Adult with Autism | Autism & Bereavement | 66
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- Losing someone you care about is never easy, whether you are Autistic or not. As this topic was requested, I wanted to share a personal story about loss, as well as a few differences relating to Autism that were encountered along the way.
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My Best Friend died 7 years ago: I helped carry his Coffin & gave the 'Big Speech' at his Funeral. I didn't hang around for the Neurotypical 'Reception' - I just slipped away Quietly.
His son was Autistic, and it wasn't till a few years later I was diagnosed... there was always this unspoken 'connection' between us & he was one of the very few who 'Got me'.
Finally, someone speaks sense! I lost my brother & best friend in 2008.. Took ten years just to fully accept what has happened and step out of this warped state of feeling frozen in time while everyone else had moved on had kids, got married & moved away years prior. The fights I'd have with my sister & mother, they were neglectful & looked down on him while he was alive but once he passed played the woe is me game for attention.. they treated him like trash how could I not call out the hypocrisy?! 😠 I swear ppl like that are the absolute worse. Not spoken to them in many many years and have zero intention to do so ever again so I'm painted the "bad guy".
Thank you so much for this video, i really needed to hear this 💗
Glad it helped.
My best friend was my sister and she died at the age of 39 from cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 3 Multile Mieloma at 37 and I immediately started researching. I discovered she had 2 years of life expectancy and little to no chance of surviving. My autistic brain started mourning her then, by the time she died I did not have any more tears to cry. Her suffering ended and her memory is my companion. I miss talking to her every day.
Thank you. I couldn't watch, it's precisly the subject I need to deal with and precisely the wrong time to do it.
I have saved your video to come back to when this present crisis has burned itself out.
I am sure it will help.
Thank you, and hope you are doing alright.
You made me smile, you made me cry. Thank you.
Man that’s a beautiful friendship. I don’t understand why people don’t get y’all’s humor. That sounded hilarious.
Man. I shouldn’t have listened to this while I’m at work, I’m sitting at my laptop trying not to tear up. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me.
It’s real isn’t it!
Thank you Paul, this is great. We almost feel like we knew him from the funny 'hello? are you there?' stuff you described. Nothing beats that humour of mocking how we've all probably been at some point but can see how ridiculous it is; applying it on purpose shines a light on it. I'd love someone to get that with me, but I'm always the one being 'random' and whoever it is, the comeback's always "hi so are we meeting up?" - which is _fine_ but the hilarity, the randomnity, the sheer absurdity of existence, and revelling in it: that's what it's all about.
If "The Eternal Return" is right, you'll see him again: you just won't know about it, because every detail of your life will be the same over again, every detail and absolutely including that friendship: all of it, including not knowing he's giving you a holiday instead of changing how you see him.
If there was ever a reason to say "yea" to life, a friendship like that is surely it.
Note that as a side-effect you also made the kind of memorial most people would give their left testicle for.
I'm so glad you exist: one of the most important voices in the scene. Thank you very much indeed for this.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for talking about this. I was able to get a few things out of it. My mother is dying of cancer and I'm struggling. Having an autisitic view of these kinds of event marks you out because ppl don't understand that the autistic person cares just as much as they do though even though they don't show it in the same way. I'm sorry you lost your best friend. It's so hard. Yeah, those feelings don't diminish. You beautifully described your special friendship with him.
Thanks for sharing this is the most genuine video I've watched in years.
He sounds like a one of a kind friend. I also love that you have your own Northern lights in the background.
Thanks for sharing this Paul. People not being genuine about things is just not on, especially around someone's passing. I respect what you did with the social media thing. You honored your best friend. he would be proud. Beautiful story, beautiful connection.
Heart-wrenchingly beautiful, thank you for addressing this topic. There was so much in your experience that made me think of specific aspects of the progression of loss of my beloved father (I am a serious “Daddy’s Girl”, and he died one week before my fourteenth birthday. Forty years ago, but still a painful void; as you said, how you cared about them then, is how you will always care about them).
This video of yours spoke to my experience in so many ways that I couldn’t possibly hope to be coherent in trying to convey just how. So, I’ll just stick to another thank you...with the addition of stressing how sincere and heartfelt is my thanks.
Thank you, and glad the video connected.
Thank you! This makes so much sense, I lost my partner and best friend, only managed to get my diagnosis after she wasn't here after 20years of fighting for it. 4 years on and it still breaks me. It is appreciated and comforting hearing another autistic adult speak about this 💜 The part about knowing the person and knowing what they would hate resonates so much.
I get it Paul, I lost one of my best friends in a motorcycle accident in 98 - 23 years old. I went to his funeral - one and only funeral I'll ever attend. I didnt even go to my grandparents funerals a year after. It's like you're made of glass and it shatters, and all you're left with is the broken pieces you'll somehow try and put together and it will always miss those pieces you could never mend. BUT you will always have the memories, thats a consolation atleast.
I get what you are meaning. After my father died of bowl cancer, I go over it in my. I even check if people are OK a lot. I swear I might have trauma, or I could be overreacting. I have never been good at processing my emotions. They are either on or off
I lost my sister, who was also my best friend 22 years ago. It still feels like it was yesterday. Thank you for sharing
Thank you Paul for this talk. I really enjoyed it.
Thank you
6.5 minutes in and I’m crying already. I love your videos, thank you for being you.
Now to unpause and keep watching…
Paul thank you for putting your experience on TH-cam. It's ALWAYS helpful and I really appreciate it. I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend. The worst loss was my son Austin when he was 20. Too profound for words and my autistic brain 😢 My daughter tells me that I have never been the same ever since. Life is very hard for me in general. All the best to you Paul and God bless
What a wonderful friendship to have had. You mattered greatly to him.
I am so glad that you could share such a deep friendship. It is truly rare to have such an unconditional relationship. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. My best friend and I would also talk for hours and hours and just laugh about the most ridiculous things. We just got each other. Unfortunately she passed 12 years ago and I can relate to so much that you have shared. I also became upset at the way some people carried on at her funeral. People who really didn’t know her at all. Some had even caused her great pain and then carried on as though they were really close. I was undiagnosed at the time but I never had a relationship with these people and called out the shitty and insincere behaviour. One particular narcissist thought it was a great opportunity to hand out her new EP and do a little impromptu performance at her wake. Mind you it had nothing to do with my friend at all and she would have been mortified! I will never have another connection like that. I am grateful that I had it for the 23 years. She was kind and caring and deeply empathetic. She accepted me for me even though I was not very popular, I guess due to my social awkwardness and bluntness which were traits she loved about me.
That you for sharing your powerful experience of frienship, connection and loss; it was emotional and moving. There's so much that resonates deeply. The simplicity and purity of emotionas, understanding and integrity. 🍀
Thank you Paul, I've watched your video and it helped me as I've just had my mums funeral. I've got a special friendship and I know exactly. Thanks again , Suzanne
Thank you for this. I'm hoping I may be able to use it to better explain my own experience. Almost everyone in my life have died. Parents,grand parents, aunnts uncles and perhaps the worst was losing my best friend. We were soulmates. Her husband had to accept me as part of the package. For 30 years we were part of each other's lives. The hole inside me seems bigger than me sometimes.
Thank you for this. I lost my dad 4 months ago, he was in many way my rock.
I expect him to be at home, answering the phone, sending me emails about whatever... but it's not happening anymore.
I have known an autistic guy for nearly 5 years. He’s cried to me when he lost his job. He’s done some things he shouldn’t have but I will always care about him because I know his struggles, I know he doesn’t have many people and I want to help him. This time never fades comment is so true , we haven’t been able to let go
This made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've often felt that I experience time differently to most people. When it comes to bereavement and how I feel about people in my life, I'm like you, time doesn't change anything.
Thank you for sharing your story. Condolences for the loss of your dear friend.
I’m sorry you lost this person and the great friendship that you shared. I’m also so glad he had that time to talk and be understood and all that fun banter with you in a life that was too short
I'm sorry that you lost such a special friend. I can't do funerals anymore
❤❤❤💔😢❤❤❤
Thank you for this video. I lost my Husband 15 months ago. He was my Best Friend, My Soulmate, everything to me. He passed away of Cancer quite suddenly and my Life will never be the same. I feel so lost without him, our joys, our memories, our adventures. When we first met we couldn't stop smiling, we had Deja Vu experiences, I thought we would be together well into our 70's at least, but that wasn't to be. We are estranged from our Families because they brought all sorts of drama and did not really care. My heart literally broke inside my chest and I have not stopped nor will ever stop mourning and missing him. My world has stood still since the day he left. Everything seems empty and less colorful, and I don't even love doing the things I used to love before I met him and I could not even think about moving on or with anyone else. I feel like my life is a dot-dot-dot continuation in the middle of a sentence, or like I just walked off a cliff and am forever suspended in mid-air, waiting to drop. I needed to hear what other Autistic people are going through, thank you for sharing your experience.
Sorry to hear of your loss.
Dear Sheri, I am sorry for your loss. My husband died almost 3 years ago. He was just shy of 69, I am currently 72. We were married for almost 46 years. I don't nor will I even try to give you 'advice'. We each experience our own journey through this grief, and the feeling that we've lost a part of ourselves. In the beginning months I felt as if I was walking through that thick, sticky mud that sucks the shoes off your feet. Or, feeling as if I was walking in slow motion under water. I've heard the same experience from other widows. For me, that feeling has diminished over time. I didn't leave the house for three weeks and the first time I did, I began shaking at the thought of getting in the car. I was out of milk, so started by taking the short drive to the corner gas station to get milk. That fear and anxiety has also diminished over time, but I still avoid driving on the expressway because I get overwhelmed by all the cars and trucks going so fast. That first year was a blur with the shock and trauma of his death. During the second year I began to experience what you've described as the dot-to-dot continuation. I would describe my feeling as the stark realization of the day after day of waking up alone, and not having him to share things with. There has been a lot of self-reflection during this time, a reassessment of my life. For many reasons, I began to suspect that I'd been autistic all along. After research and taking a multitude of the self-tests, I'm pretty sure I am. In reflecting back, I am pretty convinced that my husband was also autistic, and perhaps that's why we could connect. Anyhow, I've rambled enough; one of my traits. My only 'advice' is to be kind to yourself, stay hydrated and make sure you eat well. All my best, Pamela
Thanks for making the effort to make these videos for us.
Thank you
I know it took a lot of courage to do this video, Paul. Thank you for sharing more about Mike and your beautiful friendship. Sending lots of love to you. ❤
New hear so thank you I needed this so much
Thank you for this! Your friend was very lucky to have had you as a best friend. (And vice versa it sounds) I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my childhood best friend to a car accident at the age of 18, so I can somewhat relate.
🤍
Sounds like you guys had a very special relationship. My mom just lost her best friend recently and they had a very similar relationship as you guys did. These are one in a lifetime friendships. Sounds like you guys had a lot of good times. Thank you for sharing even though I'm sure it was difficult. I cared for my mother's friend for the last year of her life every Wednesday I would tend to her needs, cook, clean, etc. It was difficult when she passed because I thought she would get better, and she had been in my life since the beginning. People looked at me so weird because to other people it seemed like I didn't care, because I don't show emotion the way they do. I just wanted to be home grieving in my own way instead of being around a bunch of people that didn't spend time with her or made her life difficult and now pretending to care because they feel guilty.
Thank you for making this video and sharing the story of you and your best friend ❤ I tried to find information about autism and bereavement a few years ago, after my dad died, but couldn't find anything useful. I've been in autistic burnout for years, since well before my autism dx, and I guess I went in deeper again, because I lost the ability to talk to anyone much outside my immediate family, even my mum to a large extent, for nearly a year.
But even more difficult was the bereavement I went through when I lost a pregnancy at 15 weeks. Because no-one else ever knew my tiny boy, no-one else but my husband and some nurses and hospital staff ever saw him, so there was nobody to talk to about him - and nobody ever even mentioned him! I know most probably thought I would talk to them about him if I wanted to, but how do you bring that up in conversation?? Then there's a whole ridiculous taboo around miscarriage and pregnancy loss, too.
This was over 20 years ago but I still think of him in some way pretty much every day.
Thank you again ❤
Hey up Paul, I hope you read this at some point (today, tomorrow or 20 years later) but i really wanted to thank you for these videos and for just being YOU.
I have only watched the first 4 of your videos and yet I've gained so much from them. I am just starting on my journey and i don't even know what it is I'm actually dealing with, but this is not about me ! This is to say thank you to you for being someone i can relate to,
I feel like i could waffle on about so much (i did and deleted so much lol) but the important thing was saying THANK YOU ! and massive RESPECT mate.
Very moving and descriptive account of loss. The wet socks et cetera. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding respect. Im pretty sure im Autistic. I could never get my head around people laughing at funerals? Now i realise its probably due to autism? I am so sorry for your ongoing feelings of loss. X
I really appreciate you telling me this story. I needed to hear it. I’m proud of you for having your relationship with your friend. It can be so hard to open up, and I feel what it means to have done it & known someone so clearly. It gives me such feeling (hope, admiration, a helping of vitality) that you had that together. I hope I can have that with someone someday. Thank you for letting me know.
Thank you for sharing. I experience loss the same way and those around me don’t get it. I’ve stopped trying to convince them and just live in the truth of my love for those who’ve gone.
We are experts on handling death
All life just has to keep going further
❤❤❤
Thanks Paul. 🙏🏼💙🏴
❤😢
I am more “present” if I don’t go at all.
Thank you
I actually had to sit this one out Paul, but I did listen to you describe the unique friendship you both shared. I had a few people I was friendly with but I formed a unique friendship with this girl I met when I was 13. It was so strange because I was quite a serious person that didn't know how to let loose but when I became friends with her it was like the inner child in me was set free. I was so completely myself around her, we laughed and cut up constantly. We were in our own world and would laugh at things that no one else thought was funny and that just made it all the more so. Anyways,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you
I have not watched yet, just wanted to say hello ❤
Hope you're keeping well. It's been a while!
💚
Thank you for sharing, the way you talk about your best friend is how I think of my Nan who passed away at the start of 2021. I was really really close to her as she was always around when Mum had to work (from a very early age) and almost always lived in walking distance of my house, she always made me laugh and even when she didn't know what to say to me she would always listen and take a proper interest in what I was doing when no one else was around. Before she retired and struggled to go places, she always took me into London on the buses to museums and the zoo and stuff. I always stayed overnight at Nan's flat growing up. I think you are right that the feelings never really go away, at best they settle down and 'get put to bed' as I call it but genuinely life is not the same without her and I still strongly miss her. And can't quite comprehend I will never see her in our reality ever again, just got the memories and thankfully still remember her voice, it would be sad if I ever forgot. I think a part of us go with that special person when they pass, I can't be the only one who finds it much harder to find motivation to get to truly know other people after that person we were so close to for so long is gone, if that makes sense. Was similarly close to my pets as they were always there and again I similarly lack motivation to become too close with any living being again, as it hurts so much when they are gone. Sorry if it's a bit of a ramble, it's hard to be coherent on this stuff.
Never a ramble, simply sharing 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Just hard to find the right words sometimes to express this sort of thing, I thought you were really eloquent. Didn't realise it but I needed this video.
My soul can feel that pain you are feeling. I want to cry as if I knew him. I greatly sympathize with you. I hurt for you. I lost my best friend last year. To this day, I freak out because I can’t believe it happened. Same with my mother, I still freak out when I think about it too long.
Never makes sense does it.
@@AdultwithAutism No it doesn’t. I just made a call the other day to ask a mutual friend of my friend who passed away. I told her due to dreaming about our friend every night, it makes me confused when I wake up because I have ti face the fact that it was just a dream that I was with her. Through the day when I think of her, I feel as if she is out of the country for a while and will come back. For some reason, I can’t come to terms that she passed away. It is very hard, that is why I can totally sympathize with you.
4:36 mate, no. I get it. I felt this on a spiritual level. I have a, not the same, but comparable relationship with my oldest friend. It's just something for us. Something that's funny to us, just because it is. Salt