My Best Friend died 7 years ago: I helped carry his Coffin & gave the 'Big Speech' at his Funeral. I didn't hang around for the Neurotypical 'Reception' - I just slipped away Quietly. His son was Autistic, and it wasn't till a few years later I was diagnosed... there was always this unspoken 'connection' between us & he was one of the very few who 'Got me'.
I don’t like social events either . The older I have got the more I stop going and masking like you described . It’s exhausting . I’m so sorry for your loss . It sounded such a special friendship
My best friend was my sister and she died at the age of 39 from cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 3 Multile Mieloma at 37 and I immediately started researching. I discovered she had 2 years of life expectancy and little to no chance of surviving. My autistic brain started mourning her then, by the time she died I did not have any more tears to cry. Her suffering ended and her memory is my companion. I miss talking to her every day.
My sweet beautiful daughter took her own life on June 4, 2016 😢😢😢 Yes, there will always be a deep treacherous hole forever in my heart ❤️🔥💔 Thank you kind sir for your insightful video.. An American 🇺🇲 grandma (late self diagnosed autism level 1) living in France 🇫🇷 I understand your deep loss & I am so sorry that you are obligated to live with your sadness.. Words are just not enough while expressing this to you 🥺
Man. I shouldn’t have listened to this while I’m at work, I’m sitting at my laptop trying not to tear up. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me.
Finally, someone speaks sense! I lost my brother & best friend in 2008.. Took ten years just to fully accept what has happened and step out of this warped state of feeling frozen in time while everyone else had moved on had kids, got married & moved away years prior. The fights I'd have with my sister & mother, they were neglectful & looked down on him while he was alive but once he passed played the woe is me game for attention.. they treated him like trash how could I not call out the hypocrisy?! 😠 I swear ppl like that are the absolute worse. Not spoken to them in many many years and have zero intention to do so ever again so I'm painted the "bad guy". Thank you so much for this video, i really needed to hear this 💗
I was with my partner for 25 years. We were always together except for during work. She was the best, she could make me laugh until I was on the floor, pounding on the carpet saying, "stop, stop". She would do all the things I couldn't (like grocery shopping) and I would do the same for her. I knew her to her core. She was kind, always willing to help those who needed help, honest and wonderful through and through. She died in 2000 of a massive heart attack. I was just about to drive her to the hospital that was only blocks away when she fell down dead. No one will forget her as long as I live. We talk about her often. Every new thing is always rated in my mind as "Chris would love this" or how she would explain the drawbacks in her logical technical way. I have since cared for both my parents until they died, but my Chris is always in my mind and heart. I miss my parents, but I long for Chris.
Beautifully explained. It's my worst fear while I have my autistic burnout negative thought loop, you're sharing of your experience has helped me. Thank you. Am so sorry for your loss, he would love you doing what you're doing, am sure of it ❤
I get it Paul, I lost one of my best friends in a motorcycle accident in 98 - 23 years old. I went to his funeral - one and only funeral I'll ever attend. I didnt even go to my grandparents funerals a year after. It's like you're made of glass and it shatters, and all you're left with is the broken pieces you'll somehow try and put together and it will always miss those pieces you could never mend. BUT you will always have the memories, thats a consolation atleast.
Thank you for this video. I lost my Husband 15 months ago. He was my Best Friend, My Soulmate, everything to me. He passed away of Cancer quite suddenly and my Life will never be the same. I feel so lost without him, our joys, our memories, our adventures. When we first met we couldn't stop smiling, we had Deja Vu experiences, I thought we would be together well into our 70's at least, but that wasn't to be. We are estranged from our Families because they brought all sorts of drama and did not really care. My heart literally broke inside my chest and I have not stopped nor will ever stop mourning and missing him. My world has stood still since the day he left. Everything seems empty and less colorful, and I don't even love doing the things I used to love before I met him and I could not even think about moving on or with anyone else. I feel like my life is a dot-dot-dot continuation in the middle of a sentence, or like I just walked off a cliff and am forever suspended in mid-air, waiting to drop. I needed to hear what other Autistic people are going through, thank you for sharing your experience.
Dear Sheri, I am sorry for your loss. My husband died almost 3 years ago. He was just shy of 69, I am currently 72. We were married for almost 46 years. I don't nor will I even try to give you 'advice'. We each experience our own journey through this grief, and the feeling that we've lost a part of ourselves. In the beginning months I felt as if I was walking through that thick, sticky mud that sucks the shoes off your feet. Or, feeling as if I was walking in slow motion under water. I've heard the same experience from other widows. For me, that feeling has diminished over time. I didn't leave the house for three weeks and the first time I did, I began shaking at the thought of getting in the car. I was out of milk, so started by taking the short drive to the corner gas station to get milk. That fear and anxiety has also diminished over time, but I still avoid driving on the expressway because I get overwhelmed by all the cars and trucks going so fast. That first year was a blur with the shock and trauma of his death. During the second year I began to experience what you've described as the dot-to-dot continuation. I would describe my feeling as the stark realization of the day after day of waking up alone, and not having him to share things with. There has been a lot of self-reflection during this time, a reassessment of my life. For many reasons, I began to suspect that I'd been autistic all along. After research and taking a multitude of the self-tests, I'm pretty sure I am. In reflecting back, I am pretty convinced that my husband was also autistic, and perhaps that's why we could connect. Anyhow, I've rambled enough; one of my traits. My only 'advice' is to be kind to yourself, stay hydrated and make sure you eat well. All my best, Pamela
Hi from Hamilton Scotland. Your story with your friend touched me. I lost my gran in August 2022 from complications of vascular dementia. She had it for a number of years beforehand and after her cremation i was in floods of tears. I got this strange feeling that on a Saturday, i should be getting ready to go to the home for a visit, because i had done that for so long. I totally got where your coming from when you said you got that strange feeling that you should be meeting your mate by the bridge on a Saturday. From one autistic adult to another. Take care of yourself.
Thank you. I couldn't watch, it's precisly the subject I need to deal with and precisely the wrong time to do it. I have saved your video to come back to when this present crisis has burned itself out. I am sure it will help.
I have known an autistic guy for nearly 5 years. He’s cried to me when he lost his job. He’s done some things he shouldn’t have but I will always care about him because I know his struggles, I know he doesn’t have many people and I want to help him. This time never fades comment is so true , we haven’t been able to let go
Heart-wrenchingly beautiful, thank you for addressing this topic. There was so much in your experience that made me think of specific aspects of the progression of loss of my beloved father (I am a serious “Daddy’s Girl”, and he died one week before my fourteenth birthday. Forty years ago, but still a painful void; as you said, how you cared about them then, is how you will always care about them). This video of yours spoke to my experience in so many ways that I couldn’t possibly hope to be coherent in trying to convey just how. So, I’ll just stick to another thank you...with the addition of stressing how sincere and heartfelt is my thanks.
Thanks for sharing this Paul. People not being genuine about things is just not on, especially around someone's passing. I respect what you did with the social media thing. You honored your best friend. he would be proud. Beautiful story, beautiful connection.
Thank you! This makes so much sense, I lost my partner and best friend, only managed to get my diagnosis after she wasn't here after 20years of fighting for it. 4 years on and it still breaks me. It is appreciated and comforting hearing another autistic adult speak about this 💜 The part about knowing the person and knowing what they would hate resonates so much.
My dad died unexpectedly 15 years ago when I was 23. I didn't know I was autistic until I was 32. I'm 38 now. I still struggle to process his death even now. The extreme contrast between how I processed grieving and how neurotypical people did was wild. I just wish I had known that I was autistic back then, which wouldn't have made any of this 'easier', but certainly given me more self-understanding and acceptance to my own feelings and experiences.
My mother passed two years ago from cancer. When she became ill, I moved in with her to take care of her until she passed... two years later, I'm suffering from Fibromyalgia and CFS, received my Autism & ADHD diagnosis. It broke me completely but also created new pathways... I can relate to your story of how this loss affected you. How beautiful it was that you had that type of special close friendship with another human, though, and that's something to always cherish ❤
That was emotional. And very true. When somebody is in your heart, it never goes away. I was three years old when I met my first loss, then 10, then 12, then 23 and 30. I thought it never will stop. You have deep mourning going on somewhere in your inner self and even 56 years will not swipe it away. When somebody dies nowadays it goes to that bottomless coffin in my mind where already are the ”griefery”flow where these feelings will dive. In my age people start to loss there parents and mates. I can’t understand the way how in every mother’s day or father’s day, special occasional days, people put pictures and remembrances in the social media, fishing reactions and compassion. Maybe that is the ”normal social communication”, but my autistic mind just can’t understand it, because great sadness is more inner sense than public show time. I have learned that you should live even more honestly your short life and use most of your time to things you really can deal with Thank you ❤️
I’m sorry you lost this person and the great friendship that you shared. I’m also so glad he had that time to talk and be understood and all that fun banter with you in a life that was too short
That you for sharing your powerful experience of frienship, connection and loss; it was emotional and moving. There's so much that resonates deeply. The simplicity and purity of emotionas, understanding and integrity. 🍀
I get what you are meaning. After my father died of bowl cancer, I go over it in my. I even check if people are OK a lot. I swear I might have trauma, or I could be overreacting. I have never been good at processing my emotions. They are either on or off
Sounds like you guys had a very special relationship. My mom just lost her best friend recently and they had a very similar relationship as you guys did. These are one in a lifetime friendships. Sounds like you guys had a lot of good times. Thank you for sharing even though I'm sure it was difficult. I cared for my mother's friend for the last year of her life every Wednesday I would tend to her needs, cook, clean, etc. It was difficult when she passed because I thought she would get better, and she had been in my life since the beginning. People looked at me so weird because to other people it seemed like I didn't care, because I don't show emotion the way they do. I just wanted to be home grieving in my own way instead of being around a bunch of people that didn't spend time with her or made her life difficult and now pretending to care because they feel guilty.
Paul thank you for putting your experience on TH-cam. It's ALWAYS helpful and I really appreciate it. I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend. The worst loss was my son Austin when he was 20. Too profound for words and my autistic brain 😢 My daughter tells me that I have never been the same ever since. Life is very hard for me in general. All the best to you Paul and God bless
Thank you Paul, I've watched your video and it helped me as I've just had my mums funeral. I've got a special friendship and I know exactly. Thanks again , Suzanne
I am so glad that you could share such a deep friendship. It is truly rare to have such an unconditional relationship. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. My best friend and I would also talk for hours and hours and just laugh about the most ridiculous things. We just got each other. Unfortunately she passed 12 years ago and I can relate to so much that you have shared. I also became upset at the way some people carried on at her funeral. People who really didn’t know her at all. Some had even caused her great pain and then carried on as though they were really close. I was undiagnosed at the time but I never had a relationship with these people and called out the shitty and insincere behaviour. One particular narcissist thought it was a great opportunity to hand out her new EP and do a little impromptu performance at her wake. Mind you it had nothing to do with my friend at all and she would have been mortified! I will never have another connection like that. I am grateful that I had it for the 23 years. She was kind and caring and deeply empathetic. She accepted me for me even though I was not very popular, I guess due to my social awkwardness and bluntness which were traits she loved about me.
This made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've often felt that I experience time differently to most people. When it comes to bereavement and how I feel about people in my life, I'm like you, time doesn't change anything.
My daughter is in bits and looks exhausting. Her nana’s sister died in America. She visited her Nana, brought her flowers and watched the funeral on zoom. She didn’t even know the great aunt in America. But I can see it took so much out of her, she is irritable and can’t desl with small things at the moment. But she is going to her course. Condolences on the loss of your lovely friend. Sounds like ye had a great buzz. My daughter has no friends and ahe is lovely.
Thank you for this! Your friend was very lucky to have had you as a best friend. (And vice versa it sounds) I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my childhood best friend to a car accident at the age of 18, so I can somewhat relate.
I know it took a lot of courage to do this video, Paul. Thank you for sharing more about Mike and your beautiful friendship. Sending lots of love to you. ❤
Wow this was a tough listen on my heart. Your friend sounds like an absolute legend! The friendship/brotherhood you shared was what we should all be blessed with. It sounds like you both got to experience a friendship without any anterior motives and didn't need any mask to be a part of it. That is beautiful and you honour him by sharing with us what a great man he was and giving us the example of true genuine friendship. When I was younger I had a massive group of friends that I swore were like brothers. To mask and find an identity I overcompensated by abusing alcohol (and eventually drugs) to become the groups clown and also to be an enforcer when needed. I always felt the need to keep them laughing and enjoying my comedy and when a threat came about I had to be the first to show strength. Well, now at 41 years old, out of the group which was about 20 lads, I now only have a relationship with two of them. Turns out, when I needed a friend after snapping my leg in two, requiring two surgeries and I was living in an upstairs apartment, they all found it more important to keep the party going than come help their friend in need. The only two that did are the ones I kept Then years later I made an attempt to end my life and once again, the group did not care. I went to rehab and completed a three month program and I have been keeping my circle free from any fake individuals who don't have my back like I have theirs. I have to thank you again for sharing your experiences man! When I listen to you it helps me realize that I am not crazy and entitled like I have been made to believe. I am autistic and I have needs that I have to honour in order to survive and be healthy Thank you 🙏
Hey up Paul, I hope you read this at some point (today, tomorrow or 20 years later) but i really wanted to thank you for these videos and for just being YOU. I have only watched the first 4 of your videos and yet I've gained so much from them. I am just starting on my journey and i don't even know what it is I'm actually dealing with, but this is not about me ! This is to say thank you to you for being someone i can relate to, I feel like i could waffle on about so much (i did and deleted so much lol) but the important thing was saying THANK YOU ! and massive RESPECT mate.
Heyy Paul! I love your videos and content as I said before and I would love it if you could do more videos! Keep up the great work you're doing amazing! 👍🏻😊
I actually had to sit this one out Paul, but I did listen to you describe the unique friendship you both shared. I had a few people I was friendly with but I formed a unique friendship with this girl I met when I was 13. It was so strange because I was quite a serious person that didn't know how to let loose but when I became friends with her it was like the inner child in me was set free. I was so completely myself around her, we laughed and cut up constantly. We were in our own world and would laugh at things that no one else thought was funny and that just made it all the more so. Anyways, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I really appreciate you telling me this story. I needed to hear it. I’m proud of you for having your relationship with your friend. It can be so hard to open up, and I feel what it means to have done it & known someone so clearly. It gives me such feeling (hope, admiration, a helping of vitality) that you had that together. I hope I can have that with someone someday. Thank you for letting me know.
I stopped going to funerals and wakes. I got tired of my last memories of people being them dead in a box and surrounded by people full of pain and sorrow. I may visit the graves at some point, but no ‘events’ surrounding the death. I always express my condolences to the family and explain why I wont be attending. They never take it personally and understand. I like my last memories of the ones close to me to be ones of happiness and them being happy and smiling. I’ve lost lots of family and some friends at early ages. I used to go, but there was a point where there were so many back to back, almost every few weeks or couple of months, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was becoming so depressed and nihilistic and started feeling like “what’s the point in life? Everything can end at any second” and it started making anxious wondering am I next? Will I wake up tomorrow? How will I go? Will it be drawn out and painful? Will I be alone? And it started becoming almost a phobia. I also had a job in a big city where junkies would sneak in the bathroom and shoot up, and I found people dead in there/seizing and convulsing on a regular basis while cleaning. I was surrounded by so much death that it was killing any hope or joy I had for life. Idk, I watched a few family members waste away from cancer, my dad died of an OD. Somehow he got fentanyl in his system and died around 8 years ago, I’ve had a feeling friends shortly out of high school who OD’d and died at parties, some died suddenly in their sleep before hitting the age of 24. One friend got in an Uber who got s driver who was drunk. They got into an accident and she got ejected from the car and died on the highway, had some coworkers die from health complications, my moms health right now isn’t well, she probably doesn’t have long left. Maybe 5-6 years if she’s lucky. But yeah..for a long time I’ve had this negative outlook on life, almost hopeless. I try not to be that way, but like I’ve lost 90% of the people who I was close to. Never been able to make those kind of connections again, so I dont even try making friends anymore. Those people are irreplaceable and I wont try to find people like them because there’s no one like them and never will be.
Thank you for sharing, the way you talk about your best friend is how I think of my Nan who passed away at the start of 2021. I was really really close to her as she was always around when Mum had to work (from a very early age) and almost always lived in walking distance of my house, she always made me laugh and even when she didn't know what to say to me she would always listen and take a proper interest in what I was doing when no one else was around. Before she retired and struggled to go places, she always took me into London on the buses to museums and the zoo and stuff. I always stayed overnight at Nan's flat growing up. I think you are right that the feelings never really go away, at best they settle down and 'get put to bed' as I call it but genuinely life is not the same without her and I still strongly miss her. And can't quite comprehend I will never see her in our reality ever again, just got the memories and thankfully still remember her voice, it would be sad if I ever forgot. I think a part of us go with that special person when they pass, I can't be the only one who finds it much harder to find motivation to get to truly know other people after that person we were so close to for so long is gone, if that makes sense. Was similarly close to my pets as they were always there and again I similarly lack motivation to become too close with any living being again, as it hurts so much when they are gone. Sorry if it's a bit of a ramble, it's hard to be coherent on this stuff.
@@AdultwithAutism Just hard to find the right words sometimes to express this sort of thing, I thought you were really eloquent. Didn't realise it but I needed this video.
I have a raggedy pair of grey sweats too!! My friend even bought me a new pair to replace the old and I refuse to give them up. 😂 I totally relate to everything you said. Thank you for sharing.
My soul can feel that pain you are feeling. I want to cry as if I knew him. I greatly sympathize with you. I hurt for you. I lost my best friend last year. To this day, I freak out because I can’t believe it happened. Same with my mother, I still freak out when I think about it too long.
@@AdultwithAutism No it doesn’t. I just made a call the other day to ask a mutual friend of my friend who passed away. I told her due to dreaming about our friend every night, it makes me confused when I wake up because I have ti face the fact that it was just a dream that I was with her. Through the day when I think of her, I feel as if she is out of the country for a while and will come back. For some reason, I can’t come to terms that she passed away. It is very hard, that is why I can totally sympathize with you.
Next month it will be 10 years since my mom died. One day we were talking on the phone about what we were making for Thanksgiving dinner in 2 weeks, and the next morning I didn't get my usual "Good morning, hon. How did you sleep?" email. I'm crying now, typing this. I turned 55 years old 3 days earlier. My mom was my best friend, and I'll never get over her being gone. Yes, I'm grateful she died in her sleep with her cat next to her. No cancer (that we know of), she smoked for 40 years, so maybe she had lung cancer but we didn't do an autopsy on a 79 year old woman who died in her sleep. They assumed her heart gave out. But dammit, I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. She didn't get a chance to see my daughter get married. She didn't get a chance to meet my grandson. So no, I don't cry every day anymore. But I do if I think about her for longer than 30 seconds. Thank you for sharing your story. 💔
Very moving and descriptive account of loss. The wet socks et cetera. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding respect. Im pretty sure im Autistic. I could never get my head around people laughing at funerals? Now i realise its probably due to autism? I am so sorry for your ongoing feelings of loss. X
Thank you for making this video and sharing the story of you and your best friend ❤ I tried to find information about autism and bereavement a few years ago, after my dad died, but couldn't find anything useful. I've been in autistic burnout for years, since well before my autism dx, and I guess I went in deeper again, because I lost the ability to talk to anyone much outside my immediate family, even my mum to a large extent, for nearly a year. But even more difficult was the bereavement I went through when I lost a pregnancy at 15 weeks. Because no-one else ever knew my tiny boy, no-one else but my husband and some nurses and hospital staff ever saw him, so there was nobody to talk to about him - and nobody ever even mentioned him! I know most probably thought I would talk to them about him if I wanted to, but how do you bring that up in conversation?? Then there's a whole ridiculous taboo around miscarriage and pregnancy loss, too. This was over 20 years ago but I still think of him in some way pretty much every day. Thank you again ❤
Thank you for this. I lost my dad 4 months ago, he was in many way my rock. I expect him to be at home, answering the phone, sending me emails about whatever... but it's not happening anymore.
Thank you for this. I'm hoping I may be able to use it to better explain my own experience. Almost everyone in my life have died. Parents,grand parents, aunnts uncles and perhaps the worst was losing my best friend. We were soulmates. Her husband had to accept me as part of the package. For 30 years we were part of each other's lives. The hole inside me seems bigger than me sometimes.
Thank you for sharing. I experience loss the same way and those around me don’t get it. I’ve stopped trying to convince them and just live in the truth of my love for those who’ve gone.
4:36 mate, no. I get it. I felt this on a spiritual level. I have a, not the same, but comparable relationship with my oldest friend. It's just something for us. Something that's funny to us, just because it is. Salt
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My Best Friend died 7 years ago: I helped carry his Coffin & gave the 'Big Speech' at his Funeral. I didn't hang around for the Neurotypical 'Reception' - I just slipped away Quietly.
His son was Autistic, and it wasn't till a few years later I was diagnosed... there was always this unspoken 'connection' between us & he was one of the very few who 'Got me'.
I don’t like social events either . The older I have got the more I stop going and masking like you described . It’s exhausting . I’m so sorry for your loss . It sounded such a special friendship
Man that’s a beautiful friendship. I don’t understand why people don’t get y’all’s humor. That sounded hilarious.
My best friend was my sister and she died at the age of 39 from cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 3 Multile Mieloma at 37 and I immediately started researching. I discovered she had 2 years of life expectancy and little to no chance of surviving. My autistic brain started mourning her then, by the time she died I did not have any more tears to cry. Her suffering ended and her memory is my companion. I miss talking to her every day.
My sweet beautiful daughter took her own life on June 4, 2016 😢😢😢
Yes, there will always be a deep treacherous hole forever in my heart ❤️🔥💔
Thank you kind sir for your insightful video..
An American 🇺🇲 grandma (late self diagnosed autism level 1) living in France 🇫🇷
I understand your deep loss & I am so sorry that you are obligated to live with your sadness.. Words are just not enough while expressing this to you 🥺
Man. I shouldn’t have listened to this while I’m at work, I’m sitting at my laptop trying not to tear up. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me.
It’s real isn’t it!
Finally, someone speaks sense! I lost my brother & best friend in 2008.. Took ten years just to fully accept what has happened and step out of this warped state of feeling frozen in time while everyone else had moved on had kids, got married & moved away years prior. The fights I'd have with my sister & mother, they were neglectful & looked down on him while he was alive but once he passed played the woe is me game for attention.. they treated him like trash how could I not call out the hypocrisy?! 😠 I swear ppl like that are the absolute worse. Not spoken to them in many many years and have zero intention to do so ever again so I'm painted the "bad guy".
Thank you so much for this video, i really needed to hear this 💗
Glad it helped.
What a wonderful friendship to have had. You mattered greatly to him.
You made me smile, you made me cry. Thank you.
I was with my partner for 25 years. We were always together except for during work. She was the best, she could make me laugh until I was on the floor, pounding on the carpet saying, "stop, stop". She would do all the things I couldn't (like grocery shopping) and I would do the same for her. I knew her to her core. She was kind, always willing to help those who needed help, honest and wonderful through and through. She died in 2000 of a massive heart attack. I was just about to drive her to the hospital that was only blocks away when she fell down dead. No one will forget her as long as I live. We talk about her often. Every new thing is always rated in my mind as "Chris would love this" or how she would explain the drawbacks in her logical technical way.
I have since cared for both my parents until they died, but my Chris is always in my mind and heart. I miss my parents, but I long for Chris.
Beautifully explained. It's my worst fear while I have my autistic burnout negative thought loop, you're sharing of your experience has helped me. Thank you. Am so sorry for your loss, he would love you doing what you're doing, am sure of it ❤
I get it Paul, I lost one of my best friends in a motorcycle accident in 98 - 23 years old. I went to his funeral - one and only funeral I'll ever attend. I didnt even go to my grandparents funerals a year after. It's like you're made of glass and it shatters, and all you're left with is the broken pieces you'll somehow try and put together and it will always miss those pieces you could never mend. BUT you will always have the memories, thats a consolation atleast.
Thanks for sharing this is the most genuine video I've watched in years.
Thanks for making the effort to make these videos for us.
Thank you
Thank you for this video. I lost my Husband 15 months ago. He was my Best Friend, My Soulmate, everything to me. He passed away of Cancer quite suddenly and my Life will never be the same. I feel so lost without him, our joys, our memories, our adventures. When we first met we couldn't stop smiling, we had Deja Vu experiences, I thought we would be together well into our 70's at least, but that wasn't to be. We are estranged from our Families because they brought all sorts of drama and did not really care. My heart literally broke inside my chest and I have not stopped nor will ever stop mourning and missing him. My world has stood still since the day he left. Everything seems empty and less colorful, and I don't even love doing the things I used to love before I met him and I could not even think about moving on or with anyone else. I feel like my life is a dot-dot-dot continuation in the middle of a sentence, or like I just walked off a cliff and am forever suspended in mid-air, waiting to drop. I needed to hear what other Autistic people are going through, thank you for sharing your experience.
Sorry to hear of your loss.
Dear Sheri, I am sorry for your loss. My husband died almost 3 years ago. He was just shy of 69, I am currently 72. We were married for almost 46 years. I don't nor will I even try to give you 'advice'. We each experience our own journey through this grief, and the feeling that we've lost a part of ourselves. In the beginning months I felt as if I was walking through that thick, sticky mud that sucks the shoes off your feet. Or, feeling as if I was walking in slow motion under water. I've heard the same experience from other widows. For me, that feeling has diminished over time. I didn't leave the house for three weeks and the first time I did, I began shaking at the thought of getting in the car. I was out of milk, so started by taking the short drive to the corner gas station to get milk. That fear and anxiety has also diminished over time, but I still avoid driving on the expressway because I get overwhelmed by all the cars and trucks going so fast. That first year was a blur with the shock and trauma of his death. During the second year I began to experience what you've described as the dot-to-dot continuation. I would describe my feeling as the stark realization of the day after day of waking up alone, and not having him to share things with. There has been a lot of self-reflection during this time, a reassessment of my life. For many reasons, I began to suspect that I'd been autistic all along. After research and taking a multitude of the self-tests, I'm pretty sure I am. In reflecting back, I am pretty convinced that my husband was also autistic, and perhaps that's why we could connect. Anyhow, I've rambled enough; one of my traits. My only 'advice' is to be kind to yourself, stay hydrated and make sure you eat well. All my best, Pamela
He sounds like a one of a kind friend. I also love that you have your own Northern lights in the background.
Hi from Hamilton Scotland. Your story with your friend touched me. I lost my gran in August 2022 from complications of vascular dementia.
She had it for a number of years beforehand and after her cremation i was in floods of tears. I got this strange feeling that on a Saturday, i should be getting ready to go to the home for a visit, because i had done that for so long. I totally got where your coming from when you said you got that strange feeling that you should be meeting your mate by the bridge on a Saturday.
From one autistic adult to another. Take care of yourself.
Thank you. I couldn't watch, it's precisly the subject I need to deal with and precisely the wrong time to do it.
I have saved your video to come back to when this present crisis has burned itself out.
I am sure it will help.
Thank you, and hope you are doing alright.
I have known an autistic guy for nearly 5 years. He’s cried to me when he lost his job. He’s done some things he shouldn’t have but I will always care about him because I know his struggles, I know he doesn’t have many people and I want to help him. This time never fades comment is so true , we haven’t been able to let go
I lost my sister, who was also my best friend 22 years ago. It still feels like it was yesterday. Thank you for sharing
Thank you Paul for this talk. I really enjoyed it.
Thank you
Heart-wrenchingly beautiful, thank you for addressing this topic. There was so much in your experience that made me think of specific aspects of the progression of loss of my beloved father (I am a serious “Daddy’s Girl”, and he died one week before my fourteenth birthday. Forty years ago, but still a painful void; as you said, how you cared about them then, is how you will always care about them).
This video of yours spoke to my experience in so many ways that I couldn’t possibly hope to be coherent in trying to convey just how. So, I’ll just stick to another thank you...with the addition of stressing how sincere and heartfelt is my thanks.
Thank you, and glad the video connected.
Thanks for sharing this Paul. People not being genuine about things is just not on, especially around someone's passing. I respect what you did with the social media thing. You honored your best friend. he would be proud. Beautiful story, beautiful connection.
Thank you! This makes so much sense, I lost my partner and best friend, only managed to get my diagnosis after she wasn't here after 20years of fighting for it. 4 years on and it still breaks me. It is appreciated and comforting hearing another autistic adult speak about this 💜 The part about knowing the person and knowing what they would hate resonates so much.
My dad died unexpectedly 15 years ago when I was 23. I didn't know I was autistic until I was 32. I'm 38 now. I still struggle to process his death even now. The extreme contrast between how I processed grieving and how neurotypical people did was wild. I just wish I had known that I was autistic back then, which wouldn't have made any of this 'easier', but certainly given me more self-understanding and acceptance to my own feelings and experiences.
My mother passed two years ago from cancer. When she became ill, I moved in with her to take care of her until she passed... two years later, I'm suffering from Fibromyalgia and CFS, received my Autism & ADHD diagnosis. It broke me completely but also created new pathways... I can relate to your story of how this loss affected you. How beautiful it was that you had that type of special close friendship with another human, though, and that's something to always cherish ❤
That was emotional. And very true. When somebody is in your heart, it never goes away.
I was three years old when I met my first loss, then 10, then 12, then 23 and 30. I thought it never will stop. You have deep mourning going on somewhere in your inner self and even 56 years will not swipe it away. When somebody dies nowadays it goes to that bottomless coffin in my mind where already are the ”griefery”flow where these feelings will dive.
In my age people start to loss there parents and mates. I can’t understand the way how in every mother’s day or father’s day, special occasional days, people put pictures and remembrances in the social media, fishing reactions and compassion. Maybe that is the ”normal social communication”, but my autistic mind just can’t understand it, because great sadness is more inner sense than public show time. I have learned that you should live even more honestly your short life and use most of your time to things you really can deal with
Thank you ❤️
I’m sorry you lost this person and the great friendship that you shared. I’m also so glad he had that time to talk and be understood and all that fun banter with you in a life that was too short
That you for sharing your powerful experience of frienship, connection and loss; it was emotional and moving. There's so much that resonates deeply. The simplicity and purity of emotionas, understanding and integrity. 🍀
I get what you are meaning. After my father died of bowl cancer, I go over it in my. I even check if people are OK a lot. I swear I might have trauma, or I could be overreacting. I have never been good at processing my emotions. They are either on or off
6.5 minutes in and I’m crying already. I love your videos, thank you for being you.
Now to unpause and keep watching…
Sounds like you guys had a very special relationship. My mom just lost her best friend recently and they had a very similar relationship as you guys did. These are one in a lifetime friendships. Sounds like you guys had a lot of good times. Thank you for sharing even though I'm sure it was difficult. I cared for my mother's friend for the last year of her life every Wednesday I would tend to her needs, cook, clean, etc. It was difficult when she passed because I thought she would get better, and she had been in my life since the beginning. People looked at me so weird because to other people it seemed like I didn't care, because I don't show emotion the way they do. I just wanted to be home grieving in my own way instead of being around a bunch of people that didn't spend time with her or made her life difficult and now pretending to care because they feel guilty.
Paul thank you for putting your experience on TH-cam. It's ALWAYS helpful and I really appreciate it. I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend. The worst loss was my son Austin when he was 20. Too profound for words and my autistic brain 😢 My daughter tells me that I have never been the same ever since. Life is very hard for me in general. All the best to you Paul and God bless
Thank you Paul, I've watched your video and it helped me as I've just had my mums funeral. I've got a special friendship and I know exactly. Thanks again , Suzanne
I am so glad that you could share such a deep friendship. It is truly rare to have such an unconditional relationship. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. My best friend and I would also talk for hours and hours and just laugh about the most ridiculous things. We just got each other. Unfortunately she passed 12 years ago and I can relate to so much that you have shared. I also became upset at the way some people carried on at her funeral. People who really didn’t know her at all. Some had even caused her great pain and then carried on as though they were really close. I was undiagnosed at the time but I never had a relationship with these people and called out the shitty and insincere behaviour. One particular narcissist thought it was a great opportunity to hand out her new EP and do a little impromptu performance at her wake. Mind you it had nothing to do with my friend at all and she would have been mortified! I will never have another connection like that. I am grateful that I had it for the 23 years. She was kind and caring and deeply empathetic. She accepted me for me even though I was not very popular, I guess due to my social awkwardness and bluntness which were traits she loved about me.
You friendship was beautiful and your story helped me very much. Thank you (through tears). 💜
I'm sorry that you lost such a special friend. I can't do funerals anymore
This made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've often felt that I experience time differently to most people. When it comes to bereavement and how I feel about people in my life, I'm like you, time doesn't change anything.
Thank you for sharing your story. Condolences for the loss of your dear friend.
My daughter is in bits and looks exhausting. Her nana’s sister died in America. She visited her Nana, brought her flowers and watched the funeral on zoom. She didn’t even know the great aunt in America. But I can see it took so much out of her, she is irritable and can’t desl with small things at the moment. But she is going to her course.
Condolences on the loss of your lovely friend. Sounds like ye had a great buzz. My daughter has no friends and ahe is lovely.
Thank you for this! Your friend was very lucky to have had you as a best friend. (And vice versa it sounds) I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my childhood best friend to a car accident at the age of 18, so I can somewhat relate.
Thanks Paul. 🙏🏼💙🏴
I know it took a lot of courage to do this video, Paul. Thank you for sharing more about Mike and your beautiful friendship. Sending lots of love to you. ❤
New hear so thank you I needed this so much
Wow this was a tough listen on my heart. Your friend sounds like an absolute legend! The friendship/brotherhood you shared was what we should all be blessed with. It sounds like you both got to experience a friendship without any anterior motives and didn't need any mask to be a part of it. That is beautiful and you honour him by sharing with us what a great man he was and giving us the example of true genuine friendship.
When I was younger I had a massive group of friends that I swore were like brothers. To mask and find an identity I overcompensated by abusing alcohol (and eventually drugs) to become the groups clown and also to be an enforcer when needed. I always felt the need to keep them laughing and enjoying my comedy and when a threat came about I had to be the first to show strength.
Well, now at 41 years old, out of the group which was about 20 lads, I now only have a relationship with two of them.
Turns out, when I needed a friend after snapping my leg in two, requiring two surgeries and I was living in an upstairs apartment, they all found it more important to keep the party going than come help their friend in need. The only two that did are the ones I kept
Then years later I made an attempt to end my life and once again, the group did not care. I went to rehab and completed a three month program and I have been keeping my circle free from any fake individuals who don't have my back like I have theirs.
I have to thank you again for sharing your experiences man! When I listen to you it helps me realize that I am not crazy and entitled like I have been made to believe. I am autistic and I have needs that I have to honour in order to survive and be healthy
Thank you 🙏
I also tried to reconnect with old friends to no avail. Looking back though, it was no loss of mine.
Thanks for making this,
Hey up Paul, I hope you read this at some point (today, tomorrow or 20 years later) but i really wanted to thank you for these videos and for just being YOU.
I have only watched the first 4 of your videos and yet I've gained so much from them. I am just starting on my journey and i don't even know what it is I'm actually dealing with, but this is not about me ! This is to say thank you to you for being someone i can relate to,
I feel like i could waffle on about so much (i did and deleted so much lol) but the important thing was saying THANK YOU ! and massive RESPECT mate.
Cheers mate, greatly appreciated 👍🏻
Heyy Paul! I love your videos and content as I said before and I would love it if you could do more videos! Keep up the great work you're doing amazing! 👍🏻😊
I actually had to sit this one out Paul, but I did listen to you describe the unique friendship you both shared. I had a few people I was friendly with but I formed a unique friendship with this girl I met when I was 13. It was so strange because I was quite a serious person that didn't know how to let loose but when I became friends with her it was like the inner child in me was set free. I was so completely myself around her, we laughed and cut up constantly. We were in our own world and would laugh at things that no one else thought was funny and that just made it all the more so. Anyways,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you
I really appreciate you telling me this story. I needed to hear it. I’m proud of you for having your relationship with your friend. It can be so hard to open up, and I feel what it means to have done it & known someone so clearly. It gives me such feeling (hope, admiration, a helping of vitality) that you had that together. I hope I can have that with someone someday. Thank you for letting me know.
I stopped going to funerals and wakes. I got tired of my last memories of people being them dead in a box and surrounded by people full of pain and sorrow.
I may visit the graves at some point, but no ‘events’ surrounding the death. I always express my condolences to the family and explain why I wont be attending. They never take it personally and understand. I like my last memories of the ones close to me to be ones of happiness and them being happy and smiling.
I’ve lost lots of family and some friends at early ages. I used to go, but there was a point where there were so many back to back, almost every few weeks or couple of months, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was becoming so depressed and nihilistic and started feeling like “what’s the point in life? Everything can end at any second” and it started making anxious wondering am I next? Will I wake up tomorrow? How will I go? Will it be drawn out and painful? Will I be alone? And it started becoming almost a phobia.
I also had a job in a big city where junkies would sneak in the bathroom and shoot up, and I found people dead in there/seizing and convulsing on a regular basis while cleaning. I was surrounded by so much death that it was killing any hope or joy I had for life.
Idk, I watched a few family members waste away from cancer, my dad died of an OD. Somehow he got fentanyl in his system and died around 8 years ago, I’ve had a feeling friends shortly out of high school who OD’d and died at parties, some died suddenly in their sleep before hitting the age of 24. One friend got in an Uber who got s driver who was drunk. They got into an accident and she got ejected from the car and died on the highway, had some coworkers die from health complications, my moms health right now isn’t well, she probably doesn’t have long left. Maybe 5-6 years if she’s lucky.
But yeah..for a long time I’ve had this negative outlook on life, almost hopeless. I try not to be that way, but like I’ve lost 90% of the people who I was close to. Never been able to make those kind of connections again, so I dont even try making friends anymore. Those people are irreplaceable and I wont try to find people like them because there’s no one like them and never will be.
Thank you for sharing, the way you talk about your best friend is how I think of my Nan who passed away at the start of 2021. I was really really close to her as she was always around when Mum had to work (from a very early age) and almost always lived in walking distance of my house, she always made me laugh and even when she didn't know what to say to me she would always listen and take a proper interest in what I was doing when no one else was around. Before she retired and struggled to go places, she always took me into London on the buses to museums and the zoo and stuff. I always stayed overnight at Nan's flat growing up. I think you are right that the feelings never really go away, at best they settle down and 'get put to bed' as I call it but genuinely life is not the same without her and I still strongly miss her. And can't quite comprehend I will never see her in our reality ever again, just got the memories and thankfully still remember her voice, it would be sad if I ever forgot. I think a part of us go with that special person when they pass, I can't be the only one who finds it much harder to find motivation to get to truly know other people after that person we were so close to for so long is gone, if that makes sense. Was similarly close to my pets as they were always there and again I similarly lack motivation to become too close with any living being again, as it hurts so much when they are gone. Sorry if it's a bit of a ramble, it's hard to be coherent on this stuff.
Never a ramble, simply sharing 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Just hard to find the right words sometimes to express this sort of thing, I thought you were really eloquent. Didn't realise it but I needed this video.
Hi Paul.. i haven't watched in a while. Hope you're well. Losing people we love is the hardest thing we live through.
I have a raggedy pair of grey sweats too!! My friend even bought me a new pair to replace the old and I refuse to give them up. 😂 I totally relate to everything you said. Thank you for sharing.
The pants won't be replaced until they disintegrate off me.
My soul can feel that pain you are feeling. I want to cry as if I knew him. I greatly sympathize with you. I hurt for you. I lost my best friend last year. To this day, I freak out because I can’t believe it happened. Same with my mother, I still freak out when I think about it too long.
Never makes sense does it.
@@AdultwithAutism No it doesn’t. I just made a call the other day to ask a mutual friend of my friend who passed away. I told her due to dreaming about our friend every night, it makes me confused when I wake up because I have ti face the fact that it was just a dream that I was with her. Through the day when I think of her, I feel as if she is out of the country for a while and will come back. For some reason, I can’t come to terms that she passed away. It is very hard, that is why I can totally sympathize with you.
Next month it will be 10 years since my mom died. One day we were talking on the phone about what we were making for Thanksgiving dinner in 2 weeks, and the next morning I didn't get my usual "Good morning, hon. How did you sleep?" email. I'm crying now, typing this. I turned 55 years old 3 days earlier. My mom was my best friend, and I'll never get over her being gone. Yes, I'm grateful she died in her sleep with her cat next to her. No cancer (that we know of), she smoked for 40 years, so maybe she had lung cancer but we didn't do an autopsy on a 79 year old woman who died in her sleep. They assumed her heart gave out. But dammit, I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. She didn't get a chance to see my daughter get married. She didn't get a chance to meet my grandson. So no, I don't cry every day anymore. But I do if I think about her for longer than 30 seconds. Thank you for sharing your story. 💔
Very moving and descriptive account of loss. The wet socks et cetera. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding respect. Im pretty sure im Autistic. I could never get my head around people laughing at funerals? Now i realise its probably due to autism? I am so sorry for your ongoing feelings of loss. X
Thank you for making this video and sharing the story of you and your best friend ❤ I tried to find information about autism and bereavement a few years ago, after my dad died, but couldn't find anything useful. I've been in autistic burnout for years, since well before my autism dx, and I guess I went in deeper again, because I lost the ability to talk to anyone much outside my immediate family, even my mum to a large extent, for nearly a year.
But even more difficult was the bereavement I went through when I lost a pregnancy at 15 weeks. Because no-one else ever knew my tiny boy, no-one else but my husband and some nurses and hospital staff ever saw him, so there was nobody to talk to about him - and nobody ever even mentioned him! I know most probably thought I would talk to them about him if I wanted to, but how do you bring that up in conversation?? Then there's a whole ridiculous taboo around miscarriage and pregnancy loss, too.
This was over 20 years ago but I still think of him in some way pretty much every day.
Thank you again ❤
Thank you for sharing that
Thank you for this. I lost my dad 4 months ago, he was in many way my rock.
I expect him to be at home, answering the phone, sending me emails about whatever... but it's not happening anymore.
Thank you for this. I'm hoping I may be able to use it to better explain my own experience. Almost everyone in my life have died. Parents,grand parents, aunnts uncles and perhaps the worst was losing my best friend. We were soulmates. Her husband had to accept me as part of the package. For 30 years we were part of each other's lives. The hole inside me seems bigger than me sometimes.
Thank you for sharing. I experience loss the same way and those around me don’t get it. I’ve stopped trying to convince them and just live in the truth of my love for those who’ve gone.
Thank you
We are experts on handling death
All life just has to keep going further
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Thanks
Thank you 😁
🤍
I am more “present” if I don’t go at all.
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😢😢❤❤❤
I have not watched yet, just wanted to say hello ❤
Hope you're keeping well. It's been a while!
4:36 mate, no. I get it. I felt this on a spiritual level. I have a, not the same, but comparable relationship with my oldest friend. It's just something for us. Something that's funny to us, just because it is. Salt