Addressing The Myths About Abusive Relationships w/Illymation | Kati Morton
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.ย. 2024
- Our video on Ilyssa's channel: • Moving On
There are so many misconceptions out there about emotional abuse, and abusive relationships overall. That's why I sat down with my friend Ilyssa to go through some of the myths and misconceptions. Like the belief that you will know it's abuse right away, or that only women can be abused, or that there is only one type of abuse. We talk about it all and end with some helpful ways to get out of a toxic relationship for good. I hope you find this helpful! xoxo
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Thank you so much for having me on Kati!! Your videos help so many people- it’s an honor to be part of the amazing healing process you’ve created here on youtube ❤️
illymation I’m commenting as I go. I rationalized it as well. I was emotionally physically and mentally abused. They are all different. It took a huge event to get me to leave.
illymation it is a cycle never really knew how to make people understand it more.
Thank you for telling us your stories!
Opening up about certain topics are HARD.
I just wanted to add that a victim tries to justify the abuser too. And denies what is happening.
I've been abused mentally and physically too and I always tried to deny. Like it didn't happen. And hoped if I do that then it won't happen again.
It's just a one time thing etc. I was a kid so....
It's hard to get over that. It wasn't the most terrible... I mean I wasn't raped or beaten or anything like that. But still it's impossible for me to move on and forget and forgive.
What happened to me 15 years ago still affects me now. I feel stuck. He ruined my life.
Anyways. Thanks again!!
Awe of course!! So wonderful to work with you on these videos and important content :) xoxo
@@marlee7389 I hope time will help you cope and heal! Keep your head up and get the help you deserve.
I'm asexual and someone I was with for 5 years would use that whole "sex means love" mindset to guilt me, even after I explicitly said no. And I believed it. It took years of recovery to understand how bad that was. So thank you for mentioning that. Coercion is not consent.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Unfortunately not many people know about asexuality or refuse to respect it :(
Hope you are in a better place now!
Kurakaji ditto. My marriage is currently ending because we’re not sexually comparable. My spouse and I get along so great that people don’t understand why we’re splitting up even after I tell them
My ex-husband did exactly that too. *hugs* I’m sorry.
Totally rubbish. I’ve had closer more loving moments without sex and I’m not asexual. Sex doesn’t mean love. It can be a way to express it but most of the time it isn’t lol x
Sex is ONE way to show love, especially when the person takes consideration of your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, but it is most certainly NOT the only way. No one should force someone else to do that. I don't consider myself asexual, but I refuse to ever be in a relationship, have sex or have kids. I've dealt with many guys before who don't stop pressuring me to like them back for that reason. It sucks.
I was so blinded by my love for them, and did not even realize how abusive and manipulative my past two relationships have been...I’m still struggling now because I miss the good parts of them so bad...
Gracie Crisp honestly same
Know that it's okay to miss them and take the time you need to grieve that loss. I hope this video and others on this topic are helpful :) xoxo
Hang in there! Just remember, it ended for a reason
@@jessicam7938 I know what you mean. I'm going through the same thing. I left my ex a little over a month ago, and while I'm nursing a broken heart and doing my best to get better, he's dating four other women. Well, four that I know of. That number could be higher now for all I know.
Guiding Echoes aw im so sorry to hear that..❤️The only thing I’ve learned from this experience is to spread awareness. To educate, preventing the same harm to others. .. or help anyone who is going through the same thing. Im glad your out of the toxic relationship, be proud of yourself for letting go,. You weren’t meant to be with him and your worth so much more ❤️❤️❤️ know your worth
Verbal abuse is the most common one that is very difficult to prove or show.
Raja, I know exactly what you are talking about. I was emotionally abused at my first job. It was awful. And it was a few women who abused me.
True, not saying you’re wrong, any emotional abuse.
Ugh sometimes i wish i walked away at the first red flag and LISTENED to my gut!!! He was so manipulative. Appreciate the video ❤️
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Don't give yourself too hard a time 💜💜💜
Hope your doing better now
Can we talk about this in relation to non-romantic relationships? I recently had to ghost my adoptive parents. When you guys started talking about misconceptions of abuse, I really related with that in reference to my current situation. All of this doesn't have to do with just romantic relationship, but also the parent-child relationships and how sometimes parents have inappropriate relations with their child; in that, they make their child their therapist and count on their adult-child to reassure them.
Ya Brittney spears also
Another thing is being in a relationship with an abusive person kind of changes you in a bad way. I recently got out of an abusive relationship and I have been trying to talk to old friends again and because of my insecurities being at a all time high I would ask them why they used to like me or whatever and they'd say things like "oh you used to be so confident and positive". I realised I was a completely different person with him than with everybody else. I became or he made me completely dependent on him for all decisions and said horrible things which I would have immediately done something about if it had been someone else. Abuse or that control and gaslighting can change innate characteristics about you and you wouldn't even realise it until after you're out of it. The strongest person you know might become the complete opposite of everything they stood for because they loved the wrong person who kind of took those qualities from them and others might never know it because they aren't in the world of those two people.
Remember that you can work to get the old you. From what I understand you got out of it. That means that you are strong. Remember it. And your strength will come back.
sivaranjani I'm so sorry I hope you're better now and either have someone or will find someone else that's nice and is understanding to what you've been through. You deserve happiness don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.❤️
I just want to thank you for mentioning this, because I dont think people truly understand how much that level of exposure to toxicity changes the victim. I left my ex when I realized I had become a worse person for being around her, and she used it to manipulate me into staying with her, until one day I had had enough. Since then Im working hard to change back into a person whose company I enjoy and whom I can be proud of. The new SO does a great job building me back up too. But really, Im just grateful for your comment and perspective. I hope youre doing better and situations are better for you. Make good choices!
Beautifully said. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's happened to me too. I'm getting to the point where I want little to no human or animal interaction or connection. I would listen to so many introverts and people who have lived through neglect and trauma talk about just wanting and preferring to be alone.. I never thought that would be me because I'm an ambivert and genuinely enjoy hanging out and helping others, but now.. I'm getting filled with this... Idk anger and despair that I can't shake off like before. An I'm getting used to, even a little addicted to being alone. Yet, I know it's harmful. My thoughts and worldview are changing too. An most of all I can't get past how unfair situations and experiences like this are: Someone harmed ME, but I have to do ALL THE WORK TO GET BETTER!!! Virtually alone.... An I just have to tell myself it is what it is.. an that's all the positivity most people can offer me.
@@ayemiksenoj5254wow I feel this so much, I hope you found someone to listen to you and validate your experiences, and I hope you’re doing much better.
My boyfriend’s ex wife choked him twice. He stopped me once while I went to hug him around the neck, bc it was a trigger. So now I either hug him around the waist or let him hug me. I can NEVERRRR tell anyone that, because you’re right it’s only supposed to happen to women.
^My older brother's been abused by women multiple times. Society says this doesn't happen. When he went to court, the female judge ruled in the woman's favour. Is it surprising that I become very suspicious when young women show any sort of interest in me?
One year ago. My ex girlfriend did the same thing. I was emotional, physical, sexual and financial abused. One day we came home. I didn't trust her anymore. She wanted to have sex. I didn't. So she raped me. Men can also be raped. Even in relationship. My family did everything to get rid of her.
I really want to have a new relationship with a young women. But to be honest. I'm still a bit afraid. And I don't now where to look for meeting new people anymore.
@@dinobot159 As someone who has also been sexually, mentally and physically abused by an ex, my heart goes out to you. Men absolutely do get abused too and your experience is just as valid as mine (I'm a woman). I'm sorry that you went through that, and I hope that you have some people in your life who you can talk to about it and who support you wholeheartedly. Never forget to be patient and kind to yourself when it comes to healing, and if you're still afraid to get back into the swing of meeting people then take your time with it. Much love and light to you.
@@cursedcookies Thank you very much. Next month I'm going to see a psychologist. I'm still a bit afraid to meet women. If I speak to a woman. I'm completely closed. Unconsciously I push them off from me.
Must I speak to them about my experience?
dinobot159 I'm really glad that you're seeking help for yourself, sometimes it can be the hardest thing to do when we just feel like we're drowning under all the pain and memories from trauma. There's definitely nothing wrong with taking the whole process slow and getting to know your therapist before you start delving into the really painful things. They're there to help and they know that opening up takes time and trust. When you find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, it makes things a bit easier to share, so don't give up if the experience ends up not going the way you'd hoped initially, or if you get overwhelmed. Also as far as I know, depending on the availavility of the staff at the clinic you choose, you should be able to request the gender of the therapist you would like to speak with. If you would feel more comfortable speaking to a male therapist then make sure to let them know that when you schedule an appointment. Take everything at your own pace, be kind to yourself and know you are worthy. I hope it all works out for you :)
If Jaiden (jaidenanimations) would be willing, on camera or through animation, a conversation with her would be good (or other positive adjective)
The fact that you mentioned that men can also be victims of abuse is really special to me. My ex-boyfriend basically led me to an eating disorder which affects me to this day, two years have passed now and I am still hiding it from my family, because I feel obligated to be "strong" and act accordingly. Thanks, Kati and Ilyssa, it really touched me.
If you don't mind, I have a couple of questions that could make a great video! For someone who is struggling with body image and ED, taking photos of themselves, accepting compliments, dealing with criticism or basically with any remarks about their appearence can be really hard and devastating. How can one deal with these problems and how can others be more considerate, but remain honest and genuine at the same time?
I'm no professional, so you can just ignore me, but I just wanted to say a word or two.
First, as someone who is very self-aware, socially anxious, and as someone who wanted to meet people's expectations, I really experienced how... harmfully useless it can be, if I can phrase it that way. The past year has been just full of nothingness for me because of those issues.
You are allowed to take care of yourself. You are allowed to ask for help. If people have expectations that you just can't meet, you're not at fault for not meeting them. If people have reasonable expectations, but you can't meet them for the time being, take your time, because if you try when you can't, you just won't. You're allowed to say "Right now, I can't do that; remind me later and we'll see then." or "What you're asking from me is too much". Or you can have expectations for yourself, and... again, allow yourself to take the time to take care of yourself. You can't meet your expectations if you... can't meet them. That's that. You kinda have to accept it, even though it might be difficult. In my case, it was mostly stuff that I could resume later on in my life, but maybe you'll have to give up on something... but if you have to, well, you have to. You as a person is more important than expectations or projects or anything like that.
And I know it can be difficult to admit; it took me a whole year to do so.
If you're not ready to talk about it to your family, as you think you might feel unnecessary pressure from them afterwards, that's fine, so long as you can reach to someone; a therapist if possible, in your case, because eating disorders are pretty nasty (you can also go see JaidenAnimations who talked about her experience with it as well, in her video "Why I Don't Have a Face Reveal", as well as her video on anxiety; she even did a song with Boyinaband, of which there is a Behind the scenes on his channel where she talks more about her experience).
But again, I think nobody should be expecting from you more than you can meet at the moment.
Maybe your therapist could explain your situation to them as well. Mine did; he explained some things related to autism to my parents (oh yeah, didn't mention I have autism, did I?). That's a possible avenue.
As for criticism, I think that, so long as it's respectful and constructive, you should consider it. However, when it comes to self image, above everything else, you don't owe anybody anything on that level. Your body is yours, not theirs. So long as you're healthy, the rest shouldn't matter. Buuuut then again, I know it's difficult to convince yourself of that, as someone who also struggled and still struggles a little bit with self-image (a big part of my social anxiety comes from that). You just have to repeat to yourself that : 1. It doesn't matter what strangers think of you; they'll probably forget you in 5 minutes anyway; 2. People who know you know that you're more than just a body or a face; 3. People like and can be attracted to all kinds of bodies and faces (if you are concerned about such things) 4. Above anyone, YOU shouldn't judge yourself too hard; if your criticizing yourself in a constructive way, if you are thinking of ways to improve yourself, that's good, but if it's just to tell yourself you're a failure or anything like that, that's the kind of thoughts you have to put to trash. Needless to say, it goes the same for anybody else who's going to hard on you (yes, I'm telling you to put them to trash, especially if it's recurring).
Constructive criticism is good; judging and insulting and shit like that are bad. Nobody is perfect; having shitty thoughts happens to everyone, so don't blame yourself either if you have them. Just repeat to yourself that it's not true, that you have qualities, that you can improve yourself, etc. when that kind of negative thoughts about yourself come in. And if it's another person who's talking shit, you can call them on it. I'm the kind of person who likes being sarcastic, so if you like that too, you can always respond to an offensive person "Hey, how nice of you to say that" or something in the like. No pity for people who just insult you; call them on their bullshit all you want and make fun of them.
Again, I'm not a professional, those are just thoughts from a random person. You can, again, completely ignore me if you want. I just hope some things can help you.
Aw dude I hope things get better. At least you got out of that abusive relationship! And I'm sure an absolutely gorgeous person! Hope all is well ^^
i may be male, but my mind must expand about abuse anyways, not nly for my own protection, but so hopefully if i end up being manipulative without realizing i can stop
Once a guy whom I don’t like and ignored, tried to get my attention. He said I’m beautiful one day, and said I’m ugly the next day (I forgot in which order).
And I thought how can my appearance changes in one day? It’s not like some mask ceremony performance lol
Takeaway: people have different motives, they can say things about you which doesn’t relate to you
I fully believe in forgiveness- for yourself, not for them. It doesn’t mean you have to tell them you forgive them. It means you’re actively working to heal those wounds and not allow their abuse to effect you further. I haven’t completely forgiven my abuser, but I work every day to because he’s off having a great life and I’m the one struggling. Having anger, hate, resentment, etc towards him just hold me back and keeps me in a state of wishful thinking or “shoulding” on myself.
That's what everyone says but honestly you can decide not to forgive someone and still not carry around hate and resentment. I think forgiveness IS for the other person, and loving yourself sometimes means not forgiving your abuser.
What you described is not forgiveness. That's just moving on.
People cope and heal in different ways! Someone might find peace in forgiving their abuser and moving on, while others find power in being allowed to be angry.
Lesleigh Walker and arguably the only way to move on is to forgive. This is what I’ve been learned from multiple mental health professionals from LPCs to psychologists & psychiatrists. I was sharing my experience and opinion. I’m not saying everyone has to act or be this way, I’m disagreed with that specific part of the video. I appreciate constructive criticism, but not condescending “you’re right, I’m wrong.” statements.
I really appreciate that you said that forgiveness is not something you HAVE to give. When I got out of my abusive relationship I coped by finally allowing myself to be angry. I allowed myself to cry, to resent my abuser, I allowed myself to FEEL. After my anger was gone I was left with someone who could not care for their abuser anymore, bc I’d already felt all I wanted to feel. This let me move on, and heal
Forgiveness doesn’t apply for everyone. There are always people who have committed morally awful deeds of any kinds and lack the humility to apologise and atone their punishment before becoming better. Some people can change but some cannot because they are too arrogant to feel remorse for their actions.
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years in college which ended in 2014. I had horrible PTSD for years. Illy was talking about the constant asking for forgiveness. I think this lack of boundaries is particularly hard for people of faith raised with the importance of forgiving others. I’ve talked to other Christians who’ve experienced abuse that it seemed to be a common thread. It is okay and healthy to have boundaries. Just because someone asks for forgiveness doesn’t give them a free pass for abusive behavior.
Jena, I haven't myself ever been in an abusive relationship, so I definitely don't know what it's like (not that there is one uniform experience, of course). However, I just want to say that when Jesus told his followers to forgive, I don't think he meant to stay in abusive relationships. I think it is possible to both break up with someone and forgive that person by refusing to take revenge against them.
I had everyone around me telling me how abusive and manipulative my ex girfriend was, but I always disregarded them. I wish I had listened to them
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt she took or hollowed out something deep within me that wasn't broken before. The ruminations, confidence, and self-esteem all bottomed out. And before the cognitive dissonance lifted, I still wanted her emotional support. I've never felt so bewildered.
Another point to mention is that it can be dangerous for someone to leave, especially if it's physically violent. At the physical end the victim could even be murdered after leaving, whilst at the emotional end they may find that their reputations are annihilated and/or they are stalked. There are often many things that a victim wishes that they could say to their partner but can't because they know, instinctively, that it could be dangerous for them to do so.
If anyone is in such a situation and wants to get out, get your friends and family around you + look up all the advice you can. Keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically! ❤
I love what you said about changing your routine so that you don't run into your abuser, because that's very important. My ex-sociopath/emotional abuser and I used to go to Disneyland a lot. He went there with his other girlfriends too (who he always said were just his friends, but now I know better). I stopped going there because Disneyland is now one huge giant trigger for me and I don't want to run into him. I don't want to see him. A lot of my friends who mean well have said, "Don't let him take Disneyland away from you!" My response to that is I'm choosing to heal, and you can't heal from a burn if you stay in the fire, right? There are plenty of other places for me to enjoy where I won't run into him nor be triggered by the events that happened between him, me and our mutual friends.
Yup. You’re totally justified. A fear of, I don’t know, eating is something that you HAVE to get over. No one HAS to go to Disneyland. Your friends can learn to deal. :)
Guiding Echoes of you ever get that itch to go there again but don’t want to risk running into your ex, there’s always Disneyland Paris! 😸❤️
Thanks for telling me that it's okay to miss them. I've been struggling with a tug of war as of late between wanting to love myself enough to forget them/move on, and still being able to laugh at inside jokes we shared in daily life. I think what a lot of people don't understand about abuse is that there is an extreme closeness between the two people. Since I've come out publicly about my abuse, I've gotten a lot of flack from people who didn't understand that among all of the chaos, he was still my best friend and I loved him very much.
I literally squealed when I saw Illy next to you in the thumbnail. Her videos were what originally led me down the path of looking for mental health channels on youtube. Thanks for another great video, Kati!
Finally got the courage to end an abusive relationship. And i felt so guilty for missing him. I thought that because i miss him, that maybe i overreacted and maybe he wasnt abusive. But your video made me understanf that YES i miss him, but YES it was STILL abusive. Thank you so much for this.
Katie Smith so glad you are out of that relationship and in a healthier place!
Slowly coming to the realization of how much abuse I've had to go through for over a decade and in only 19. I have no patience for it now.
i really appreciate kati's views on forgiveness. part of being a therapist is being forgiving but so many therapists seem TOO forgiving. some actions are beyond forgiveness, and everyones standards for that are different; and that choice to not forgive someone should be respected
Ah "I know what forgiveness does for them," YES THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS because so many people tell me that I need to forgive to move on, but the relationship between abuse and forgiveness is more complex than most people understand
I needed to see this. Thank you both for your insight and validation for how I feel. When I came out of a mentally abusive relationship, I felt completely lost and self deprecating for many years. I thought the self talk would go away, but I realized that going through the motions/praying etc., wasn't helping at all. We need to take action for ourselves if we are to fully move on. Btw, I loved hearing your guest's testimony and also how even I, being a male, am susceptible to abuse without even knowing it. Kati, you rock and I really adore your channel. Kudos for your time and effort.
Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I am glad you are out of that relationship and are finding my videos helpful!! xoxo
very informative, thank you
ALSO i am part of a narcissistic abuse survivors group online, its a secret group, it really helped me. message me if you would like to know more about it, everyone is really kind and non judgemental
I was involved in something similar, and that part of the video jumped out at me too. He wasn't violent or name-calling (so it was hard for me to name any of it as "abuse"), but all this other stuff would happen, and later on, well... he generally wasn't sorry. Either I had perceived it all wrong/it was all in my head, or I was overreacting/oversensitive, or it was my fault and I should be apologizing to HIM, or in some other way I'd be wrong to be upset. He seemed to only be "sorry" when I was literally at the point of leaving (which was a few times, those guys are really good at talking you into staying). I also suspect NPD with him for a few reasons. Hell, that while post-fight sequence I just described is basically "the narcissist's prayer".
great video. thanks for sharing.
can you do a video on coping with things you can't change?
I definitely can!! I am doing a video soon about coping with change.. but I can add in another question about this too! xoxo
Kati Morton. thank you so much! i love your channel and appreciate everything you do 💜 this is something i have been dealing with for so long... i could change it, but the process would be messy and hurt a lot of people. i just want to accept it and move on. any advice would be so helpful. thanks again! 💜
@@Katimorton Thanks. I'm under attack in the business i thought i would retire on by a psychopath bent on revenge for him going to prison for shooting my neighbor which i had no part of... but he's a jailhouse lawyer now and out.
Thank you for talking about this on your channel! Emotional abuse is definitely not talked about as much as it should be. I was a victim of emotional abuse and manipulation in my past relationship and it can really mess with our mind! Thankfully, healing has come and I'm slowly getting better but therapy, exercise and hanging out with friends and family has helped tremendously.
I've never been in a relationship and i can say for sure I've felt as though nothing is missing in my life, i love the freedom I have
I experienced religious abuse...the man is the head of the house and I must accept that. No matter what.
I am so sorry that happened :( I hope you were able to get out of that relationship safely. xoxo
This video is very helpful! It's crazy how many people I know who have been abused. Most are women but I definitely know a few men, too. Everyone gets abused, whether it's financially, sexually, verbally, etc.
Thank you so much for this video. One thing men tell themselves when a woman is physically abusive is, "She is not really hurting me, so it's not really abuse."
I have to say this is a video I didn't know I needed. I've been in a relationship for about 5 years that in many ways seemed fine and normal, but there was an insidious, underlying manipulation that has been happening. I have been so convince that I understand how his brain works that I didn't see it until I went to therapy for something seemingly completely unrelated (which of course, was related). Anyway, I have still hesitated to call it abuse, although I have called it manipulation many many times. But now, I'm struggling with the guilt of leaving when I know things are terrible in his life as well. It's a challenge, but the relief and decrease of panic attacks since I asked for the separation has helped me remember why it's so important. Thank you for your videos and all you both do.
Faeryn Nightshade you got this!!!! 👍❤️
It's especially hard when parents do it.
Human Person ck out Kati’s video on dealing with toxic parents!
th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html
@@_just_TK thanks
I think it's really important to stress that it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, and friends can be just as abusive and manipulative. Especially with gaslighting, because I denied it was abuse for the longest time because we weren't in a romantic/sexual relationship. Literally a best friend.
@Gob Goblin ok
One thing so many people dont realize is you can find yourself in a abusive relationship with more then a significant other. You can find that you are in that boat with your job/ boss, FRIENDS, parents, even in your religious environment. And its so hard to talk about. I was in a abusive relationship with my job for 4 years. My friends saw and they tried to get me out by confronting me it wasnt until I took a step back after one of my coworkers was telling me about how they left their abusive ex that I realized what I had found myself in.
I have been trying to get my husband to leave his current job because his boss is a Narcissist, bless him, he feels obligated to stay to support me and my daughter, and unfortunately keeps dragging his feet with finding a new job. I keep telling him to and he just blows it off, almost like its easier to stay where you are familiar than challenge yourself to get what you deserve , a respectful work environment.
What you said about change hits home. Sure people can change - and it's ok to hope that will be the case - "but not on your dime" (or time). I've carried so much guilt from a relationship in which many promises of change were made. Sometimes, the change would start to happen - but then things would just go back to normal. I'd bring it up, trying to hold them accountable, and they'd say "I'm sorry, I'm trying". I felt like the biggest asshole for questioning their efforts. Over the years, the words became meaningless.
Still going through it and processing, but slowly learning that actions are what truly matter.
So thank you. I needed to hear this.
13:04 hearing that she had PSTD symptoms, hyper vigilance, ect and that those are COMMON helped me see hope for myself. Knowing that what I am going through and feeling right now helps motivate me to get myself help. Knowing that she is doing better makes me realize that I am NOT too far gone. I am in a healthy relationship right now, and I am realizing how much my past abuse is affecting my current relationship. It also helps me that I now have a reference of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like (current boyfriend.) Before, I didn’t know that my abusive relationships were abnormal. Thank you for educating us on this. It’s important and valuable.
I was just got out of an abusive relationship 5 months ago. One thing that constantly annoys me is when friends and some family just want me to move on and find someone new. What I wish they could understand I am no where near ready. How do I get these people to leave me alone and understand I'm not ready to move on with someone new?
i think communicating with them might help you. you could try to tell them that you’ve just gotten out of your abusive relationship and you’re not ready to start again at the moment and that you would appreciate it if they didn’t ask/talk about it when you’re around.
I tell people I've put myself on dating probation because I want to make sure I don't pick the same type of bad guy again. They may not ever understand, but you don't need them too. I support your decision to wait!
Stay strong.
Yes abuse often takes several forms. Thank you for covering this topic. So important. 🌸
I love u sis u help me a lot with so much thanks for that
I am so glad the videos have been helpful :) xoxo
I went through emotional verbal mental and physical abuse all at once. I had an awful friend that would hit me and leave bruises and once she punched me in the face and told me I deserved it. She gave me a black eye and finally my parents noticed and helped me changed schools but I couldn’t leave till the end of the year so I suffered more abuse. She told me the things I liked were not girly enough. She even told me in front of my boyfriend that he wasn’t good enough for me. I finally stood up and said “you can insult me all you want but when you insult my boyfriend that’s the line.” She was awful and my boyfriend and I left that friend group and found a better one that helped me and I still had the black eye so they showed me tricks to cover it up and it made me feel like a person again. I’ve been with these friends for about a year and the toxic friend is trying to hang out with my friends and is actively ruining my life cause I decided to stay at my school cause things were better. I told the principal what had happened and because a lot of it happened on school property she was suspended for 3 months because of all the trauma she caused me. Her mother is also actively trying to claim these allegations are false but my mom took photos after each time and I had people who had to give a statement to the principal about me coming to school covered in bruises and that she would hit me and harm me in front of them. We are fighting against her and we may even have to go to court cause she abused me for almost 5 years causing a lot of suffering and what she did could get her out in juvie.
Hey helpful info. Some colleges with therapy masters programs offer clinics for masters students to practice therapy in and they will offer therapy to the general public for cheap. So if you're ok with seeing a student therapist (they are supervised by fully licensed counselors) that may be a cheap and viable option.
I left 7 months ago today and this was very helpful for me. I’ve come so far but I have a ways to go. Thank you for what you do ❤️
Rebecca Long it’s a process not perfection! ❤️
Also I've been in a few emotional abusive relationships especially the "if you leave I'm going to kill myself" and other guilt trips to make me stay and the last one would call me every five minutes and accuse me of cheating if I didnt constantly keep in contact with him after he tried to force me into doing something sexual when I wasnt ready I told him I needed space (was scared to break up because he was prone to anger and fits) he stalked me on campus which caused me to become paranoid even now and the day I finally broke it off he wouldn't stop calling and texting me I had to turn off my phone and then he showed up at my house crying and yelling at me luckily my sister was there and made him leave. But he still tried to isolate me by lying to our mutual friends about what happened but luckily someone who knew the situation told them what was actually happening and they fully supported me and turned against him
I meant to finish this video sooner and comment sooner... But I just now got to do so.
As much as I appreciate that there are conversations and resources for those dealing with or have dealt with an abusive, romantic relationship... It still feels like other abusive relationships are ignored. I'm glad Kati has videos addresses what to do as an adult of you have abusive parents, rather than all the focus of those conversations just being on if it's a child suffering. But what I rarely ever hear about is when you have friends that are abusive, which is what I've encountered the most in life. I know there is a certain level of degree where such abusive 'friendships' are not as invasive into one's life, but they were still very much so for me. While I was going to school across the country from my family, there was a classmate that would spend time with me and she knew where I lived, what classes and teachers I had... Just when I realized how she was terrifying and using me, I was too scared to anger her all the more just by refusing to spend time with her. All because I felt like she could easily come and find me.
One of my first abusive 'friendships' was with a girl that romanticized and encouraged self-harm behavior, which only enforced my own existing self-harm behavior and kept me thinking there was nothing wrong. She would barge into my parents' home, uninvited, if I refused to spend time with her. So yes... That made me wary to refuse to he wishes of others.
Just... Harmful friendships aren't always easy to walk away from and I wish there were more conversations about those as well.
This info is great. Abuse victims didn’t have the help years ago they have today. We lose women and children every day due to domestic abuse.Keep spreading the word and save lives!
One thing I've noticed is how some of these abusive people use hope as a tool to keep their targets longer. They implant this lie that if you just explain it this way, use this tone, make sure the stars are aligned, they'll magically snap out of being abusive. So the target's stuck chasing this constantly changing goal post in the hopes that finally their abuser will change. Unfortunately, hope it's the last thing to die in these situations.
My abuser kept me with him for seven years with this. He seemed so well-meaning, I couldn’t believe he actually understood but just didn’t care. But the truth was, he didn’t. I’m one of the rare people who got a confession (of sorts) from my abuser. He knew what he was doing to me, but he still felt like he was justified in hurting me, because it made HIM feel better, and that was more important. All those years, his guilt had been performative, and his sadness when called out was his fear was over losing me, not his empathy for how I was being hurt.
I only recently realized that I was sexually abused as a child.
I don't think it was something physical, I just remember being exposed to sexual stuff that I shouldn't have witnessed or heard and it makes so much sense! I feel so good because I realized that my devastating anger and my depression are caused by something! I'm not just a crazy woman! Also, I have problems starting and maintaining relationships with men and I'm counterdependent, I am 25 and still virgin and finally I know why.
There's nothing wrong with me!
Now that I know exactly what I've been through I can finally take time to heal myself and then move on to the life of love that I deserve :)
Sorry for the long comment but I just felt like I needed to share this. I was psychically and mentally bullied all through middle- and highschool, which led me down the path of a deep depression, eating disorders and suicide attempts. I decided to leave the country for a year and met a boy who I fell in love with. His family was shattered by economic difficulties, an absent father and a brother and a cousin that used to lock him inside pitch black rooms for hours. So we were like two broken souls that found each other. He understood me, and I him, in a way that no one had done before. The first couple of months were great, but then the fights started. We used to go out drinking a lot, and somehow it always ended in a fight. We could scream at each other in the streets, push each other, spit, claw, grab. We would come home and cry to each other, begging for forgiveness. Say how awful we are. Threat to kill ourselves. Both of us. At the same time. We would then get mad again, and say the most horrible things to each other just to cause pain, to then make up again and promise each other our love. And so I feel so conflicted watching this, because this bad circle kept on going for months, and I feel like both of us abused, and were abused. We tore each other down, but at the same time we always saw it as us two against the world. After every fight we would say "Remember, it's me and you. Us against the world. I love you" And I did love him, and he did love me. And so I feel so conflicted inside me, because I feel so much for people who have been in abusive relationships, I just want to help and support them, but at the same time I have this huge guilt inside about what I have put another person through. Don't really know were I am going with this but I just needed to put this into words because this video perfectly explained how I felt, and open up my eyes even more to the awful things I did to him as well
This is helping me to heal from the hurt of my last relationship and to remind myself that I made the right decision to leave!
Oh my gosh the best duo!
Yay!! xoxo
I'm so greatful that you guys made this video. I've experienced mental and psysical abuse alot, from parents, loved ones and partners. It's so hard explaining that abuse isn't just psychical. New people usually only understand my situation if I start out telling about my father and classmates beating me. But if I told about how two of my best friends mentally abused me and used me, people just told me to move on. Also, the thing the messed with me the most was never the psysical abuse, sometimes I wish they would just beat me up, so I had evidence, instead of fucking me up mentally, making be on edge 24/7.
Thank you for this. I was the frog in the pot. Never saw it until it was a cycle that got so intense. Never again.
Sorrys are meaningless when bad behaviour is a regular occurrence.
So great that you mentioned how many resources there are. I work in the hotline space and I'm constantly just so wowed by the extensive resources there are for survivors of abuse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, sex, age, class, race, medical condition, even addiction to drugs, you can find help at literally no cost to you. People are out there who can help. Just reach out. Hotline operators are specially trained to keep you safe and they want to help. You can be anyone from anywhere, help is available.
Ugh this hit hard. What’s the worst bit for me is still wanting them, even when they have completely ruined your life over and over and you know they are pure *poison* for you. Even years later I get moments of weakness wanting him back. Mainly because I feel like he’s my only option, my stupid ass heart would rather be with someone that causes nothing but pain, over not having anyone- or the reality of not ever having someone. I’m 22 and had my 25th surgery a couple weeks ago.. I have several severe health issues, including chronic pancreatitis, that make my life quality...less that stellar. I’m technically an adult but will never be able to be completely independent because my pain and nausea keep me from doing something as simple as getting my food out of the kitchen most days. I know a lot of sick people find spouses, but I have too many things against me. I don’t have beauty or a good personality to make up for it, lol. My best friend (ONLY friend) since the age of 3 turned out to be the spawn of Satan and somehow I was too damn stupid to see that and believe what people were telling me until everything came to a head when I was 18. Found out things he had done that were not forgivable, not even a little bit- by anyone’s standards. He begged me to be with him from as long as I can remember and I always said no, I wouldn’t let anyone in. But he was the only person in my life that stayed with me and didn’t betray me so I finally started thinking about if I should give him a chance in that way. I finally gave into him and been vulnerable for the first time in my life, and let myself be happy. I finally started thinking I could have a good life and I realized I’ve been in love with him my whole life. Not long after that he broke my heart. Yet even with his abuse spiraling out of control I nearly ran off with him to get eloped when my parents (thank god) were trying to make sure I had nothing to do with him. I’m not even in love with him anymore, sure it took over 2 years of talking myself out of suicide every night but I’m finally over him. I now get to see physiatrist through the government and am on 3 depression and anxiety meds that have stopped the suicidal tendencies but we still have work to do, I know that.. point is, why am I so weak as to want someone back when I know they are the worst thing for me? I’ve always been a tough and logical person but damn have I been stupid with this person..
Thank you both
I recently discovered that part of my behavior problems stem from my parents being narcissistic. I was made aware that this behavior is why there is a wedge between myself and my parents at the moment. I didn't know the reason for the wedge, but I knew it was there. I normalized it and didn't even realize this was a problem while I was growing up. Therapy does wonders.
Sean Lovely Ramsey you might find Kati’s video in Narcissistic Patents helpful! th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
I was with my abusive ex for 7 years before I left him he would isolate me, put me down, tell me how to dress, pay for things and then say that I owed him money. He actually sued me for money I supposedly owed him and I had to go to court and face him even though he had been physically abusive to me too if he didn’t get his way. It is not easy to get out. I tried leaving him many times and he would always threaten me or threaten our dog (which he got to keep-only way he dropped the $5000 he sued me for.) BUT I did get out! He cannot legally contact me! He cannot come near me. I am safe. There is always hope and remember you are strong and beautiful and worth so much! Also there is no shame in getting help, even if medications are involved. Thanks Kati for talking about such and important issue and to Alyssa (I hope I spelled that right) for sharing her experience🥰
Rachel Winter so glad you made it out, thank you for sharing your story!
I'll be honest, having a lot of mixed feelings on this because I understand when someone belittles abuse. Sending a virtual hug.
Ive been watching for a while. Ive thought about going to a therapist for a long time and im so proud of myself i finally reached out. My college offers free therapy with a free therapist. Im so glad i did i knew after the first appointment that this was something that was going to help me.
Alisa B Yay! So proud of you!!!! ❤️
@@_just_TK thank you!:)
Thank you so much for making this video! You've put some of my deepest thoughts I wish other people knew into this video, and I really hope this helps cut down on the victim blaming. The aftermath of an abusive relationship can be so heavy to deal with when met with victim blaming instead of belief and a support system. This video explains it so well.
The bit about not forgiving the person hit me hard
Hi Kati! Awesome video as always. Really great that you are addressing this topic. Emotional abuse, particularly, can be hard to recognize, I think.
Do you think you could dig deeper into this topic at some point, specifically, abusive relationships when there are children involved?
About 7 years ago I had an INCREDIBLY emotionally abusive girlfriend that would constantly compare me to her ex and say weird comments like if I bought a new shirt she'd say " *HE* would never wear a shirt like that" and it absolutely destroyed my confidence and made me super insecure of how other people think about me. This is just the tip of the iceberg and all that I really feel like drudging up right now but almost a decade later and I still feel like I'm unworthy of anyone loving me and constantly think I'll never be as good as anyone else.
Illy, you have been incredibly brave. You and Kati have described this perfectly.
I may have mentioned this on your animated series about your relationship with your ex, but I went through just what you did. He was originally a kind man, but once he got me under his spell and I moved in with him after my parents divorced, the mask slipped. Manipulation to start, then gradually it became physical, emotional, mental, séxual, and monetary.
He was happy-go-lucky on the outside... inside, he was poisonous. He made me feel like I was going mad and told others that I was taking a lover's tiff out of context... thankfully there were those that saw me being harassed by him out of our view line and they reported that to my boss.
I was called aside and told what was witnessed. Thankfully, I was believed. It gave me the strength to call my parents (divorced but amicable) and get the strength to run from him when he went too far (intercepting my mail and reading it without my consent - it was regarding financial advise I sought) before calling me and dumping me by phone, and then calling back and telling me to "come home and talk" ("Talk" meant being subjected to more anger and possible assault). My parents got me from work, and we rescued my cats and remaining possessions that my ex hadn't destroyed or ruined when the A-Hole was out at his nightshift.
He took to FB calling me the "b*tch that broke his heart", but my real friends and family saw it for what it was, a narc that lost his emotional punchbag/voodoo doll.
Good points about misconceptions. One thing I hear ALL THE TIME on tv is “he had no record” well that doesn’t mean he has never abused someone before. Or she has never abused before.
I think a lot of abusers come from sick or bad homes. So it is tough for them to break the cycle because their emotions have been abused or neglected. So they can’t see themselves through their actions and it may take a huge break for them to recognize they are the problem. I know this from first hand experience. I was neglected which led me down a path or acting out on others. To this day my brother inflicts abuse on me and his own family. It takes a lot of introspection to see this.
Many people that have gone through abuse live a life where they don't hurt or abuse others because they know the damage it causes all to well and statements like this end up hurting a lot of survivors
As you can see from my statement you can be both a recovering abuser as well as still getting abuse. If you come from a sick family it’s not so cut and dry. I believe life deserves empathy at all turns.
Agree, this is my firsthand experience too.
I love these videos, it makes more of us realize the things we've been telling ourselves are "good" when they are actually bad for us! HUGS, thank you!
PLEASE do a video just on the best way to handle having someone you love be the one who is getting abused, and how to deal with the pain of it yourself. Maybe with a few different situations and outcomes so we can do these things and to help us feel like we're doing our best to help them.
Abusive relationships are especially terrible when someone is 1) young, like a teenager, usually and 2) easily influenced because they will pick up on these behaviors, learning from them, and begin to think that they're normal! Then they might even start abusing back or abusing others!
Thank you so much for sharing. It's so brave and courageous to share in this way.
I have a different understanding of the word 'forgiveness'. Forgiveness is for us, not for the person who has done something to hurt us. Personally, I am able to forgive those who haven't changed. There's lots of people that will not change their behaviours. And they have to want to do it for themselves, which can be really difficult. I can usually distance myself from someone who has hurt me - forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting.
I'd love to hear everyone else's views on this!
currently in recovery from an intense emotionally abusive relationship. so glad to have found this!
My ex sometimes took off the condom, without my knowledge when we had sex. He also tend to be an asshole when he was drunk, which didn't happen that rarely. He would do things like, grab me under the blanket when we had a sleepover at a friend. His brother in law slept in the same room...and I was really tired and I just simply felt uncomfortable of the situation. And he kept being like, come oonnnn, and I was telling him to stop, telling him he hurt me and explicitly saying no. He only stopped when his brother-in-law woke up and told him to stop. The worst part is, I thought he was doing it because he was drunk or it was fun, that he was just playing around, kinda. He also did it on one occassion, touching me, not necessarily in my nono zone, but generally, trying to hug me on a family party. He was drunk and I felt so uncomfortable and I just panicked and tried to break free from his hug, he tried to pull me to him again and again and I told him no, it's too close and it's too much, you smell like alcohol (that triggers me because my father is an alcoholic, so yeah...) And he didn't stop and tried to discuss with me... And then I snapped. And I slapped him.
Later i felt horrible about it when he confronted me. I never did it again. I guess the thing is, I realized I was doing wrong but he didn't. Later he would try to turn these things around and shift blame on me. Not the best experience.
I have been through every sort of abuse in my life. I have been through years of therapy. And do feel like I should return. The only thing I don't agree with is that I think it's vital to forgive. Not letting them back in ur life but releasing urself from the pain.
Hey Kati thank you for creating this wonderful video and giving me some tools to use. Please do more video on this topic. I lost a coworker to domestic violence. Please let everyone know that men can be victim to just as much as woman.
I was married to a BPD wife for 10 years. I had no idea I was being abused. I had no idea how set boundaries, or that I should have set boundaries. I knew I was going through hell, but I thought it was my fault. I am so grateful to be gone. My wife was a straight laced Christian girl.
I did not realize things in my childhood were abuse until I became an adult. It is hard to admit you were abused, so I can see how someone could end up entrapped in a horrible situation.
I'm not sure how, but I don't think I've ever heard of the cycle of abuse in this way. I've heard of it as people who have been abused turning into abusers. Hearing about the cycle of abusing, "honeymooning", waiting, tension, and abuse really helps. It cements how I think about a relationship I had that, years later, I still have a hard time putting the label of "abuse" on.
It's also interesting to me how certain red flags will stick out more than others. I was with my abusive ex for a couple years and I put up with a lot of mental and psychological abuse but the second he wanted to read my texts it was over.
::Sees Kati’s collab w/ Lillymation-1st thought::
“I hope Luigi makes an appearance!!” 🤞🐈❤️
Financial abuse also works the other way round. My ex had a lot of money and offered to buy all the furniture I want when we moved in together. No matter the prize, no big deal. Later on he used the all the things he offered me years ago as a way to guilt trip me into doing things for him I didn't want to.
As a result, I know feel really uncomfortable accepting gifts from others, I always feel like I owe them something, like they secretly expect something in return now or later, even If they don't.
I was in an abusive relationship. Emotional, physical, financial, verbal... combined with having complex-PTSD and bipolar NOS, has just laid me flat. I'm done. It's been almost 3 years and I am finally feeling relief from him. But I am still so vulnerable that I refuse to date.
About the frog in boilling water, the thing that really confused me at that time was that the person I was with was really comprehensive and supportive at first and I would even drink more than him (meaning that he wasn't drinking too much or at least that's what I know). At first it's the perfect person, then you may find some red flags but see them as acceptable flaws because everyone has some and you can't expect people to be perfect, then it spirals more and more lower and lower and you end up realizing it later than you think you would. Because we all say "that's not going to happen to me, I'm not that dumb" but we don't know how it works until it happens.
What were the red flags if I may ask?
@@redpalex At first it was pretty mild I would say, not liking some of my friends, a little of criticism here and there, not liking me talking about my problems to my friends because it would eventually involve him and he didn't want me to talk about him, talking about the way I dressed and about the possibility of someone raping me (sometimes he was right about the length of my shorts but how am I going to get raped just for having boobs and wearing a purse like a normal person? Should I just wear it like a scarf or something?)... And btw I say not liking because at first he wouldn't tell me "I don't want you to do this or that" he would say "I don't really like that you're doing so and so", "I don't really like those friends of yours". Later on he started drinking a little more, every now and then he would start being passive-aggressive, like indirectly blaming, bringing back mistakes from the past, criticising my friends, if he got angry he would throw a lot of mean comments and after the tension goes away he would apologize and use pity as a bait to make me come back like "I'm an idiot" or "You shouldn't stand someone like me". Things ended up escalating and the drinking problem got bigger and bigger, he would show his jealousy and suspicion towards my friends, assuming things from his own imagination, accusing without knowing, insulting, breaking things, throwing tantrums, spying on me, trying to isolate me from the rest of the world, using suicide as a threat, like "go to sleep, by the time you're awake I'll already be dead", punching things but looking you in the eyes with a gaze so full of hatred as if he's choking you in his mind, he had depression so it was a difficult topic, I was worried all the time about him committing suicide so I was easily controlled. In the end he moved to another region and I just broke up with him because I kinda knew he found someone else who unfortunately had worse luck than I had, she went through similar things but he eventually beated her so she also left him. Now who knows where he is or what is he doing with his life. There are some times where I get worried about him dying but I know I can't help everybody. We need to take care of our own health too, it's okay to help and give but it's more important to keep our boundaries with toxic relationships or we'll absorb their energy, habits, thoughts, beliefs and get burned in the end.
And your friends can see the red flags better than you, because he's your bf, he treats you nicely most of the time, you won't feel like it's that much of a problem so you'll be a little biased while talking about it to friends, even to the point of defending him in a kinda delusional way so careful with that lol
Having been in an abusive relationship in the past, I remember actually looking up abusive relationship online and my ex met all of the criteria.
I really needed this. I recently got out of an abusive relationship, and I am dealing with the after-effects of it now. He made me love him; he used me for love and support which he didn't do for himself. He was also dealing with addiction/alcoholism. We started out at simply friends, but he attached himself to me; he made me care. So much emotional pain I was willing to put up with bc I loved and cared for him. I lost myself in it, and I question, "How did I let this happen?" Thank you Kati and Ilyssa.
Thank you for bringing up that men can (and are) abused. I want to take that part of the video and just blast it in Times Square.
This was so so helpful, thank you for making these videos, I know there's a lot of people out there who really need to hear these things and feel validated. While personally, I've only experienced some manipulation in a past relationship, I do want to help others by spreading awareness of abuse and its impact through fictional stories. For example, I have a ghost story I've been working on, and the main character is a survivor of an abusive relationship - so I'm not showing the abuse so much as the effect it has on her once she's out of it and trying to heal. So videos like this really help make sure I'm doing it justice and not just making up romanticized BS. Thank you for all your work Kati.
I was mentally and emotionally abused by my best friend for a year and it never felt like abuse until now that I look back at it. I’m so happy that I got out of the situation when I did but I wish I got out earlier
xaMeLiAx Same Hope your doing good now
If your partners consistently neglects you can it be considered abuse?
I’d say yes especially if they’re doing it to get back at you.
I would “therefore” class it as not a relationship. So tell them about it see if they change. 🤔 (... or tell you the reason so see it might not be what you looking for. )
Neglect felt like abuse to me. They were withholding love, affection, and quality time. When I asked them what's going on, they lied, blamed me, and pretended the issue was resolved. They might do one thing for me to act like they've changed, but then it was followed by even worse behavior. Nasty stuff.
Yes
Janey Imaani - Emotional Awareness ck out Kati’s video on this! th-cam.com/video/HtDIFA5KhWo/w-d-xo.html
These videos were really amazing.
Thank you guys so much for making them. I've been in a very unhealthy relationship before and it really does take quite some time to kind of "get over it". But this video sure did help a lot.
Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video :)
Illyssa's stories really hit me in the heart the first time I watched them. I can't believe that two inspiring people got together 😍
Thanks for supporting us very much
I'm glad therapy is free where I live. That being said, the waiting lists are super long...
Thank you both so much for making this video. I am in a recently found state of clarity, making the final committed decision to start the process of healing and escape my abusive situation. While doing so though, I am met with a lot of insecurities and doubts about the validity of my situation, which I didn't expect because I know I need to leave. It is similar, if not the same feelings of invalidity that I felt a while back when I was first trying to figure out what was happening. But, it is hearing other people tell their stories and acknowledging that none of us are alone that helps me feel valid, thus helping me stay on the path to leave my situation. This video could not have had better timing :)
I learned this the hard way. I suffer from PTSD. I have an assault and battery charge because of a black out from PTSD. All the abuse has made me a happy person though. Just dealing with mental symptoms.
Thank you. Unfortunately there is still a lot of shame and backlash. Especially those of us who repeat. Statistics show there is a significant number who end up in another abusive relationship. Then society really turns on you squarely. If you find your way back again, society thinks you must like or deserve it. It supports the idea that you need to hide behind a mask so others don't see you.
Thank you both for this! Would love more videoes on this topic.
Still working through trauma from an abusing relationship, 9 years later. Hard to find a way out of the mindset of being worthless, when that was shoved into a 14 yo, but I'm getting better!
You’re he best Kati! Thanks so much for making such useful and necessary videos for the TH-cam community. You are super appreciated. Also Ilyssa is helping so many people too by continuing to spread info about abuse. Love seeing incredible people on this platform ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for making a video on his topic.
Also, that is such important advice. If anyone plans to leave an abusive situation PLEASE tell somebody! Don’t underestimate how dangerous that can be. Many of us have learned this in the worst possible ways.
4:28 - you're speaking straight to my heart. :'(
Kati, the timing of you posting this video is impeccable. I had a therapy session today with my mom and we talked about my dad. I think my dad is a pathological narcissist or, at the very least, an emotional abuser. I’ve started considering what to do and I really want to move out, I just need to come up with a plan and put it into action. I am a man and I have been emotionally abused by my own father for pretty much my entire life. I can’t wait to get out and start living life the way I want to :0)