Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! Get the app the How to ADHD team relies on for our unified and collaborative weekly planning here: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd They’re offering a 30-day free trial if you use my link and are ADHD-friendly, so they don’t need you to put a credit card before you start.
Going to try Sunsama again, I was so overwhelmed last time but that was when I was just starting out. I’m almost 8 months into this path now and feeling a lot more confident in my ability to learn new things. ❤
How do you remember to put things in Sunsama? I'm afraid it'll work out like everything else: put things in, use them for a little bit, forget to put new things in, create a reminder to do so, snooze the alarm because I'm busy, disable the reminder because it keeps popping up at inopportune times, and stop using the tool.
@@br4nfl4k3sYou have an excellent question and one I struggle with as well. I buy calendars, planners, notebooks etc. and if I ever start, I soon forget. The one thing I am semi good at is my iPhone calendar. I put all my doctor appointments and hard schedules in most of the time. But going back to look at them. Week or month at a time is not easy. I am really tech proficient, but don’t want to pay for something I stop using.
I struggle with adding to a conversation with more than one person. People talking about something I want to comment on but I don’t want to interrupt. By the time I feel there is space in the flow of words the subject has changed.
Same. I always wonder how neurotypicals manage to read whatever body language or vocal cues they do (and process this info quickly enough) in the people they're talking to in order to find a natural pause in a convo to interject without interrupting. And/or to signal that they'd like to say something so that the other person pauses. . When I consider this and the contradictory fact that so many people don't actually *listen* to others -- hearing a few words and guessing the rest, and ending up answering questions not asked while failing to address the points actually brought up -- I don't understand how most people ever (in truth or even just in their own minds) feel that they manage to successfully communicate as speaker and/or listener.
@@iprobablyforgotsomething this... for a long time I didn't understand why I was uncomfortable with social situations involving more people, and this is it.
As an awkward person it helps me to remember that conversation is a two-way activity, and that, sometimes you feel awkward because the other person is awkward too!
This is a BIG thing I've been trying to internalize recently. Most of my social interaction takes place in a community not known for having an abundance of social skills, so quite often I end up in awkward conversations or situations and then I feel bad for being awkward, even when it was actually the other person messing things up for a change
Yes! It helps me too. That's how I've always ended up hanging out with the new students nobody talked to, because I knew how intimidating it could be to start talking with a bunch of students you don't know, so I made small talk and gave them tips to feel more welcomed.
Rehearsing ahead of time is often a helpful strategy for a lot of people! Many in our community use it as a way to help themselves feel more comfortable :)
Having conversations with people has always been a challenge for me due to my ADHD. My mind often drifts, causing me to lose track of what’s being said and struggle to remember details. People would even get frustrated with me, and they will see my distraction as a lack of interest or me being insensitive. As a result, there have been a lot of misunderstandings as it strained many of my friendships and relationships, making it difficult to connect and communicate effectively.
That happens to me too. When I realize my mind is drifting, I’ll say “Sorry, something just distracted me. Can you go back to…” and then mention the last thing I remember them saying. Most people aren’t offended because you’re showing that you do want to listen. (It’s harder when you don’t really want to listen and wish they’d shut up. 😊)
Two main things that helped me with socializing 1. A conversation is NOT two people waiting for their turn to speak. It IS two people reflecting on what the other person has said to continue the conversation. 2. You are inexperienced and learning and with learning anything there will be mistakes.
My favorite open ended question is, "What do you like to do with your days?" Especially as asking what a person's job or profession is considered rude in some cultures and not everyone is employed. 😊
That's really thoughtful, thanks for mentioning that. I've always felt awkward whenever I ask what someone does for work anyway, it seems shallow for one (and a way to let another person know that you're judging them based on their profession alone sometimes) and two, it's a touchy subject if someone is unemployed/just got laid off.
Growing up with AuDHD in the 90's, I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, although I was lucky to have special supports that many did not during that era. One of the things that really helps me growing up was my parents making me aware of my autism, which allowed me to become aware of my own mannerisms. The biggest thing of all that I've learned over the years, and the thing that's gotten me noticed by many people, is that I stop to listen. I'm constantly tempted to talk people's ears off, but I've learned to stop and wait to listen to their response before continuing. If there's no interest, I don't bring it up, even if it kills me inside. You have to know your audience and who you're talking to. There are things I've talked to some people about, and don't with others. Ironically, I have someone who shares a lot of my diagnosis that drives me absolutely crazy, because he talks _at_ me, instead of talking _to_ me. It made me realize how important it is to pay attention to how people react, Auntie tried to lead with leading questions to see whether they're actually interested in talking about something.
Also, to add to something you mentioned in the episode, I also try to keep track of things I want to talk about, but I've also learned that if it's taken way too long to bring up my point, and I forget that point, there's a very good chance that ship has sailed anyway, and the point was probably doomed to be forgotten. I find it's often best as simply let it go, unless it's extremely important in which case I'll make note of it.
Yes please! I do this often and then I feel very awkward afterwards. It's like I either say too much or I don't say anything. Its really hard to find a happy medium
I literally just did this with my son's teacher on the phone! She tried to end the conversation 3 times, that I noticed, before I actually let her go!!
I don't have any other way to speak... hahah. But also I always infodump on philosophy, as it was my degree, and usually related to something that was spoken. Tbh its worked really well for me and I've had amazing interactions because of it. People have said they like my attitude and enthusiasm when speaking. Use that adhd energy to your advantage!
I'm a board gamer, talking about game pieces and someone mentions their favourite colour is quite flowing to me as we are talking about which colour pieces we like to use in games. My favourite colour is yellow!
In the Midwest we use the "Midwestern Goodbye" to end conversations: "Welp, better get going." If you're sitting down you pair it with slapping both hand on your thighs as you stand up. Traditionally it's followed up by a conversation at the door, and then a conversation in the driveway... but it can be a quick getaway if you're fast!
I think Caroline and Jessica touched on this a little bit in previous videos! Check them out! If they don't cover it in enough detail that is helpful... let us know :D th-cam.com/video/p7SFuoNe2DI/w-d-xo.html th-cam.com/video/28L1IPSf1N4/w-d-xo.html
Thanks a lot. I really needed this. Theres a nuerotypical technique to facilitate conversation called the FORD method which presented some blindspots for nuerodivergant people. I think these 12 steps really patch up all the holes. Learned about the FORD method on a hyper fixation spree.
Thanks @johnPaul-bw1gk - We would love to potentially use this comment in a future video. Are you comfortable with us sharing the comment with your username or would you rather remain anonymous?
I usually have no problems with listening to others, but I have no damn idea what I should say or talk about in general. For example a person is telling their story to me and I'm like "ohh man that's cool/not cool" and then I freeze. Complete silence until the other person continues talking. And it's not that I'm not interested in the topic! I just have no idea what to reply most of the times, what to ask etc, lol. Like I was too focused on listening that I forgot to think about talking. This video is really useful, I need to try these tips out! Thank you, Jess!
I was watching "Nobody Wants This" on Netflix last week and learned something kinda cool. One of the characters said she was talking to a hostage negotiator once and he gave her this tip to keep the conversation going. Take the last few words of what the other person just said and repeat them back to the other person in the form of a question. So like when Jessica says something about buying a house, you could say, "Oh! You're thinking about buying a house?" Then, in theory, the person continues the conversation from there. Or even if they just answer yes and stop talking, you could say something to follow up like, "What made you pick that particular house?" I'm sure it doesn't always work, but I'm sure it helps. I keep forgetting to try it. LOL
Hi Jessica, I don't think you are going to read this but I need to express this, even if it's just for random people on the internet. I bought your book, and it made me cry on the introduction. I haven't even finished reading the second chapter and I just stopped crying to write this comment. I don't think I have ever been so well understood by someone, in the way I was by reading your book. It has become, without question, my favorite book, and I haven't even finished it yet. Thank you for sharing your story and starting this channel. Thank you for being you and inspiring me (and so many others) to be myself and ourselves. Much love ❤
One thing for exiting a conversation is to do the "I have to leave soon" part but add on "before I do I would love to hear how your story ends or how that thing ended up or some tips you recommend etc." Then essentially it becomes more of an im interested but I need you to wrap it up vs. and I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Thank you, this is a great one for ADHD brains!! I love your "hang on, I want to take a note so that I can empty my brain and give you my full attention" strategy 👍 👍
This video isn’t just for ADHD-people. I know gobs of introverts and other awkward ppl who need this! 😅 including kids who are stuck on devices, don’t know how to interact w/ real-humans and heading into Middle School.
@@danielsac6316 I plan to watch this with my autistic hubs and my neuro-spicy teens. Imagine 6 people who struggle with conversations living under the same roof. 😬🤪
My favorite open ended question in like a party/ icebreaker/ table talker situation is: “if you were a wizard what spell would you cast?” Because it’s a secret way of getting someone to tell you what they value or desire or what they dream about etc. people usually answer very truthfully and also explain their reasoning so you get some extra info on what they’re interested in or their worldview
Another useful tip that idnr where it's from is the "Yes, and" technique. It helps you practice making open-ended responses that the other person(s) can build off of. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone who only gives "yes, no, maybe, idk" reponses because they give you nothing to work with when formulating a follow-up response to their reply. Conversation really is a two-way street.
The only place I find it really easy to have small talk with random strangers is the Pet Store - or the cat section in the supermarket! As I leave I tell them I hope their cat acknowledges their efforts 😹
Yeah! It feels easier at a pet store - how DOESN'T want to talk about cute pets?! It sounds like a great place to practice conversation skills though! And maybe one day it'll be easier to do it outside the pet store too :)
One thing that I have started if I have something that I would really like for someone else to ask me about I ask them about it first. For example if I had a really good weekend and I want to talk about it I ask them about their weekend. Afterwards they usually ask me about my weekend. I also love the fact that you continue to talk about games in a game store because board games are my big hobby.😊
As an AuDHD person this video was so informative and useful, I really love the way Caroline explains things. I also loved the use of the puppets it was so fun.
I cannot tell you how many times I wish and want and sometimes beg the TH-cam vids or wish I could interrupt a public speaker to ask them to give an example/step by step to support or explain or give me a list of "x" to help me get started. I know why people don't cause they don't want people to think that's the only way, but for me it help get my brain firing off and allows me to build on it and make it my own. I love this video.
GREAT video! 🤓Some additional things that have helped me: 1) Pre-deciding a certain number of "volleys" of the conversational ball for places like work (or certain people! ; - ). 🎾 I easily lose track of time and have heightened rejection sensitivity about "talking too much" (according to SOME---others like it thankfully! < : - ). So pre-planning and exiting *myself* helps me avoid feeling hurt by those who haven't mastered the art of exiting graciously. "Leave 'em wanting more." 😄 2) When I'm the one needing to leave, I always try to end on a positive note (e.g. referencing something good in the conversation/how nice it was to see them) even if right before that I had to apologize for leaving abruptly. 😃 3) If I arrive early or at the same time as someone, I intentionally pick the seat/position with the least distracting view so I can listen better and not appear disinterested. Same with *putting my phone out of sight.* And if I get distracted while having a conversation with someone, sometimes I'll say, "I don't want to miss anything you're saying and that [big screen, drunken bachelorette party, parade of dogs... ; - ) behind you is really distracting me. Do you mind if we switch positions or move somewhere else so I can focus on you better?" In general, I find framing things as a positive helps." : - )
This was awesome! After working in customer service for years I've gotten pretty good at _most_ steps, but I fail miserably at "bridging" topics, which leaves most conversations ending abruptly because I've run out of things to say (sometimes after awkwardly prompting the person to keep talking about a subject I don't care about). But I've never thought about it in the way you guys present here, I definitely gotta think about that some more and then practice it.
Thanks for saying so! We're thinking of doing a series of "how to" videos for (seemingly) basic skills that aren't always so basic for us...how to declutter might be next!
The way I learned to cope with my difficulty holding conversations when I was young was to avoid them as much as possible.... Had to start from scratch once I hit adulthood and actually had to start interacting with the world. Still a work in progress, and I am so thankful for the resources you and others have made so accessible.
I’m at the point where I take notes on the phone but not sure how this would work in person. It’s great to see the longevity of this channel. I referred students here as a teacher and still use the toss for myself and kiddos, thanks!
this was one of my fav episodes. i loved the use of puppets, notes board and speech bubbles .All these visual cues really make a difference to understanding and recalling the content.
I'm so bad at not ending conversations abruptly! Jessica's tip about "I'm so glad we chattED" is great. I also enjoyed the arm movement at 13:05 For when they *really* don't get the hint 😂
You rock @HowtoADHD ! I really appreciate posts like this! These seem like simple topics, but they're like basic essentials a person needs to know in order to socialize. Some people, like me, just didn't have opportunities to grow their social muscles. Thanks for making conversations not feel so intimidating! :D
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one feeling this way. For me, my biggest nemesis is attending a wedding. So many strangers and awkward conversations. It's so mentally draining, I usually have to recover from it for days lol. Great and very useful video for those situations!
Awesome strategies, especially the exit! Coming back to add, I love your outro music! I’m going to try to get my brain to give me that instead of some of the songs I dislike, that get lodged for *days*
For initial question, I have heard that instead of saying: What do you do for a living? I would ask: What do you do for fun? The first question implies, consciously or unconsciously, trying to rank the person according to the prestige of careers or wealth (you know, doctor instead of garbageman) whereas the second question has less of that.
Paying attention during a conversation is something I struggled with even as a kid. I learned as a kid to respond to people talking to me like "uhu" and nodding your head, that sort of thing ... I also learned to say a line back to the person talking to me (it also helps me remembering what I need to remember, when I say it out loud, and the other person might find acknowledgement in that I guess). I did find out I like to talk ... like a lot. But listening to another person is a bit of a struggle. I even tend to block off comliments or comments about me or my behaviour etc...
Yeah! The active listening part can be... hard. It definitely takes practice... and for some it takes other strategies too (like having a fidget on hand, or doodling!). But ideally we can hooooopefully learn to steer the conversation in a way that does keep us a bit more interested to make listening a lil bit easier!
hi jessica! i just wanted to tell u that u inspired me and helped me a lot and when i was doing my english course during summer we had to talk about our idol and i chose u and talked abt u :)
I swear, when I had the "interview"-part with the doctor/therapist to find out if I had ADHD, this happened: Doctor:"So do you think you have---" she sees my gaze moving away from her to something behind her "--problems focusing?". I look back at her and say:"Sorry, there was something moving behind you, it was a flag outside the window, so nevermind, go on!" 😅😅
Getting out of a conversation is the hard part for me, and it applies to leaving a party/gathering as well. Somehow that's even more difficult for me. I really like the conversation ender suggestions.
Crossing your arms and then uncrossing them is a nonverbal signal of, "We're cut off from each other and I'm opening up to you." Seeing a really obvious physical sign might be enough to push someone to open themselves up as well and uncross their own arms.
I am so excited for sunsama. Thank you! Conversation wise, I apologize for interrupting often and I try to redeem myself by steering the conversation back to what they were about to say. If I catch myself interrupting it helps to physically cover my mouth.
THANK YOU!!! I've been struggling with conversations a lot lately even though it's something that usually comes naturally to me. I really appreciate seeing basic conversation guides, it's really encouraging! I'd love it if you could do a video on how to talk about having ADHD to people that don't know much about it (even the supportive people) I'm finally at a point where I feel safe talking about how my brain works, but sometimes I think my delivery is a bit off and that people are getting the wrong impression 😅 I want to socialize, and to be understood but I forgot how to people. Please help. lol
Great video! I appreciate all of the communication and relationship based videos. This was so helpful! I'd like to know more or have more discussion about how to know when the other person isn't interested.
great video, thanks for sharing! 9:19 also with the yawning, instead avoiding doing it (because we yawn to oxygenate to stay awake) we can provide context instead "I *am* really interested in what you're saying, I'm just tired, so the yawn isn't about what you're saying it's about my energy level" (and to address a "what if": if the other person can't accept that honestly provided context, then thaaat's on them XP)
“I think the fact that we don’t have any sort of context is tripping me up a little bit” REALLY hit home! So, how do you ANSWER when someone asks you an open-ended question with no context??? “Tell me something new.” Ummm…??? What do you mean? Something new about what? School? Work? do you want something on art? Music? Nature? Photography? Sports? What other topics do i know about? And i don't remember anything i know on any of those topics right now… I have this mountain bike that i’ve never actually ridden on a mountain, but i was watching this video… but you’re probably not interested in that… TV?… but i don’t watch a lot of tv… but i watched this show, but you’ll probably think it was weird… it was… and i don’t know what YOU know, so i don’t know what to say that’s new to you… was that the question? What am i trying to answer again?
Honestly, what I usually do, as an auDHD person, is ask them those exact things you said: 'What do you mean? Something new about what?' and it bounces the conversation back to them and then either they clarify and we both get to have a fulfilling conversation afterwards, OR they get upset that we didn't read their mind about what they meant, and now we know that's a person we should avoid interacting with where possible
One of the problems I'd like more strategies for dealing with is when you signal that the conversation is done or that you have to go and they won't let the conversation end. Some of them will even step in your way to prevent you from going.
I use many of those tips! I've learned how to be a good listener my whole life, so I'm good at mantaining conversations, but I struggle at starting them and talking about my interests or myself (11:10 is not ridiculous at all, that's how I feel too many times). I'm a people pleaser, so I have to be careful to not fall in harmful habits (like saying yes to everything or talking about things I'm not comfortable with). Also, the moment I feel someone isn't interested in hearing me, that's when I shut down. Too many times I've been ignored or talked over, or plainly showed disinterest in what I was saying, so now it's hard for me to open up. Although now I have good friends with whom I feel comfortable enough to talk about my passions (they always ask for more info), I'm still working on talking about myself, my feelings and my struggles openly. For the "How to exit conversations" part, that could be a good moment to ask for the other person's number, either for keeping in touch/talk about a second meeting, or to remember their name. I've been in the situation that I remember a person, but I don't remember their name, so telling them that I don't know if I have their number helped to find it 😅
Such a helpful video. Two comments. First, what is we wanna jump in the conversation and share something but the person keeps talking and makes it difficult to stay engaged?(I hate it when people talk for long without me participating) Second, the listening part was all new to me and I didn't understand it fully. Can you make another video on the listening topic? Thank you so much :)
Caroline is awesome, and I’m so glad you’re both active on TH-cam because you both help me so much. Fall classes start on the 19th and #LoveLearning year two is underway. Thank you both for all your help! ❤
This video is so great, thank you!! I would love a part 2 for talking at parties though. Because I struggle a lot when there are lots of people you want to talk to, and lots of them are strangers, and then there are some friends. A few examples of what can get difficult: 1) I managed to start chatting with someone and it's going well (yay!) and then I catch a snippet of a conversation the people next to us are having and it's a topic I feel passionately about, so I speak up and say something without thinking. But then the conversation shifts and I want to go back to the conversation I was having with my original conversation partner(s) but it's difficult because I left the conversation without warning and they are looking at their phones, and it's hard to reignite that talk. 2) Everything is overstimulating! There are 5 conversations going on and I cannot tune any of them out but that means I cannot join any of the conversations either. So I sit around in silence for a long time. 3) I really want to talk to my only friend at the party but they're already talking to someone else, and it seems like a one-on-one conversation. So I sit somewhere else with a bunch of strangers that I know nothing about. How do I start talking to them when they're either already having a lively conversation about something I'm not interested in or maybe they are just sitting around quietly because they are shy as well? A random party doesn't really imply a common interest. And I once tried asking "How do you know the person who's party this is?" and they said "From work, we work together." and I was like "Oh okay, cool." And I already know the place they work at, so I didn't know what else to ask there. And nobody likes to talk about work while at a party. 4) I'm at a big table with lots of people who are just sipping their drinks. Who do I even start a conversation with? With everyone??? How does that even work? 5) It's a smaller party and everyone is really good friends. Maybe they went to school together and have lots of history or they just spend a lot of time together. And I'm just good friends with one of them. So they're all constantly throwing around references I don't get or they're reminiscing about past events that they experienced together. How can I really take part in the conversation when I don't have enough background knowledge about these people and I'm also shy around them? And they all seem so close? I don't even know what jobs they have or who this "Tom" is that they keep talking about. And I don't want to interrupt the conversations with my questions because some of these things might take really long to explain. Anyway. There are probably a million more examples I could give. But I hope this gets the gist across that there are different challenges in situations that aren't one-on-one, especially at parties.
Yes, ENDING a conversation is the one I struggle with. Want it but don't know how to do politly and later I am the one that talked too long🤦🏽♀️ Nope! They just didn't leave me alone! I was clearly not interested, but told to "be polite". In the end whatever I do will be wrong...😢
As an adhd salesman there's a good formula I was taught to help build rapport with people and its called FORGE. Where are they FROM, what is their OCCUPATION, what do they do for RECREATION, what are their GOALS and the EMOTIONAL attachment behind them. You can use this anywhere and not just trying to sell and manipulate people. Hope this helps someone awkward! Edit: just realized some of y'all will take it too literal, ask those question but also ask probing questions about those subjects after the answer ESPECIALLY if you find something relatable, if you find nothing relatable ask for more information about any of those topics.
I love how on the open ended questions example in the game store “have you played this game before?” Was actually a closed ended yes/no question. She’s was just lucky to have an overly responsive partner to talk to, who picked up the conversation and added more to it than just yes/no. I cannot do open ended questions either. Which is why I noticed 😂
I really loved the puppets! It was like a callback to some of the old videos on this channel, when you used props. It makes the info engaging, and also easier to connect to the ideas with a demonstration. Also, they are friendly anthropomorphised sock guys. What’s not to like?!
Getting advice for having an conversation is helpful for me. I hate socialising but I love making new friends, but it can be overwhelming when Im fumbling for conversation topics and things to say which sound awkward, random and cringe.
Good refreshers, especially #6-8, which I'm working on, though I in the past had got it down. I work around college students so it'll be a good place to work on it to become better. Thanks Jessica!
Honestly very surprised by how much I connected with this video, the actual start of a conversation is always one of the hardest things for me, along with continuing conversations. What I've noticed in particular is that these techniques are often things I already do, except that I do them much better in text conversations where I'm able to think about things and see them written out all at once. But they're still things I can practice--especially something like being able to practice a few useful open-ended questions. The bit about switching topics/focusing on specific topics during a conversation was funny, because it reminded me of some computer RPGs like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and the way that those games have conversations where you switch topics in the same way.
I had one of those moments earlier of going off topic and throwing something random in. My coworker was mentioning how hurricane Helene is going to be hitting Florida and Georgia this weekend. I of course went to Florida Georgia Line, the band. She knows me so well and knew I’d do that. ADHDers that work together are the best! 😂
The actual subject and info of the video was great and useful and all that stuff, of course, but also I for one would love to hear about your favorite boardgames. (I'm pretty new around here, so this content could already exist somewhere...)
I find admitting that I'm having an ADHD/etc moment when the record scratches on a conversation can actually really smooth things over... It takes a bit of courage but it can be very effective as long as you don't overuse it.
Here's a thought: if I was going to mention that "bunch of stuff" after 10:50 or so, I might very well say it out loud as a list, with pasues in between and maybe even visibly counting out on my fingers, before asking the other person which one they would most like to hear about.
Yes, there's something you missed! How do you end a conversation when you're not able to walk away? Like, when you meet a colls on the train but your brain wants alone time? Anyways, great video and great to have you on my youtube feed again!!!
You can still use the exiting conversation lines! They can be adjusted or edited to fit different scenarios. "It was good to see you. I'll talk to you later." Just something that can help put the conversation in the past, and that you're moving on. :)
@@HowtoADHD No but like, what if that person has SAT DOWN next to you? (European speaking here... I think this is probably a less common problem in the US? But it's, like, REALLY common here... 🙈.) On another note: Waaaaaaah, thank you for replying!!
@@cesbiyou can go like "hey thanks for the conversation but I gotta get something done" then pull up your phone or a book or put on headphones or something, it doesn't have to be a real thing, sitting in silence with someone else is also completely ok
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Another thing I've found helpful: Know how to respond to something negative. For example, if I ask someone how their weekend was and they say their grandma or wife died, it can be helpful to have a go-to response for that. It does take a lot of practice though (and possibly a bit of research). I've found that expressing sympathy (like, "I'm sorry that happened") combined with an invitation to talk about it (such as "what's something you miss about them" or "did you know them well") tends to go over well (although it's important to read body language when choosing the follow up question) It also depends on how involved you want to get in that conversation though. The main way I would encounter them was while I was working as a cashier (I don't like being bored, and talking to customers made it more interesting) so my conversations only lasted until I finished scanning groceries, meaning I didn't usually need to worry about a conversation lasting longer than I wanted it to.
my general go to when i dont know what to do or say is to mirror what the other human said to me but turn it into a question! that or ask if they have any children/pets because those are always topics that humans like to talk about.
"Try not to yawn" also made me yawn- I feel like I have it as a stress response sometimes, I don't even have to be tired! But I did notice it probably made me seem disinterested. If I feel I have to yawn, I usually do kind of an "internal yawn" which is really just a deep nose breath. I think my body is trying to trick me into taking a calming breath to regulate anyway, so it usually works!
Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! Get the app the How to ADHD team relies on for our unified and collaborative weekly planning here: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd
They’re offering a 30-day free trial if you use my link and are ADHD-friendly, so they don’t need you to put a credit card before you start.
Going to try Sunsama again, I was so overwhelmed last time but that was when I was just starting out. I’m almost 8 months into this path now and feeling a lot more confident in my ability to learn new things. ❤
@@CetraOriens Take it at your own pace too!
How do you remember to put things in Sunsama? I'm afraid it'll work out like everything else: put things in, use them for a little bit, forget to put new things in, create a reminder to do so, snooze the alarm because I'm busy, disable the reminder because it keeps popping up at inopportune times, and stop using the tool.
@@br4nfl4k3sYou have an excellent question and one I struggle with as well. I buy calendars, planners, notebooks etc. and if I ever start, I soon forget. The one thing I am semi good at is my iPhone calendar. I put all my doctor appointments and hard schedules in most of the time. But going back to look at them. Week or month at a time is not easy.
I am really tech proficient, but don’t want to pay for something I stop using.
Thank you
I struggle with adding to a conversation with more than one person. People talking about something I want to comment on but I don’t want to interrupt. By the time I feel there is space in the flow of words the subject has changed.
Same. I always wonder how neurotypicals manage to read whatever body language or vocal cues they do (and process this info quickly enough) in the people they're talking to in order to find a natural pause in a convo to interject without interrupting. And/or to signal that they'd like to say something so that the other person pauses.
.
When I consider this and the contradictory fact that so many people don't actually *listen* to others -- hearing a few words and guessing the rest, and ending up answering questions not asked while failing to address the points actually brought up -- I don't understand how most people ever (in truth or even just in their own minds) feel that they manage to successfully communicate as speaker and/or listener.
I got stuck where I am supposed to stay on topic. I will break mid-word to mention the random thought that popped in.
@@iprobablyforgotsomething this... for a long time I didn't understand why I was uncomfortable with social situations involving more people, and this is it.
As an awkward person it helps me to remember that conversation is a two-way activity, and that, sometimes you feel awkward because the other person is awkward too!
This is a BIG thing I've been trying to internalize recently. Most of my social interaction takes place in a community not known for having an abundance of social skills, so quite often I end up in awkward conversations or situations and then I feel bad for being awkward, even when it was actually the other person messing things up for a change
Yes! It helps me too. That's how I've always ended up hanging out with the new students nobody talked to, because I knew how intimidating it could be to start talking with a bunch of students you don't know, so I made small talk and gave them tips to feel more welcomed.
I sometimes catch myself rehearsing conversations before they happen lol
Rehearsing ahead of time is often a helpful strategy for a lot of people! Many in our community use it as a way to help themselves feel more comfortable :)
I do this too, especially for telephone enquiries and appointments, where I will write my questions down and set out space for the answers 😁👌
sometimes? I feel like i rehearse *every* conversation
I do this all the time!😊
@@TheBlueArcher Did you also rehearse this comment? Because I did 🙂
Having conversations with people has always been a challenge for me due to my ADHD. My mind often drifts, causing me to lose track of what’s being said and struggle to remember details. People would even get frustrated with me, and they will see my distraction as a lack of interest or me being insensitive. As a result, there have been a lot of misunderstandings as it strained many of my friendships and relationships, making it difficult to connect and communicate effectively.
That happens to me too. When I realize my mind is drifting, I’ll say “Sorry, something just distracted me. Can you go back to…” and then mention the last thing I remember them saying. Most people aren’t offended because you’re showing that you do want to listen. (It’s harder when you don’t really want to listen and wish they’d shut up. 😊)
Two main things that helped me with socializing
1. A conversation is NOT two people waiting for their turn to speak. It IS two people reflecting on what the other person has said to continue the conversation.
2. You are inexperienced and learning and with learning anything there will be mistakes.
I approve of our sock puppet overlords taking over this channel
This is also really useful for a non-native English speaker! I have been struggling to hold a conversation and this is super helpful.
My favorite open ended question is, "What do you like to do with your days?" Especially as asking what a person's job or profession is considered rude in some cultures and not everyone is employed. 😊
That's really thoughtful, thanks for mentioning that. I've always felt awkward whenever I ask what someone does for work anyway, it seems shallow for one (and a way to let another person know that you're judging them based on their profession alone sometimes) and two, it's a touchy subject if someone is unemployed/just got laid off.
@@theweastwumbologist yep that's another reason why I started 🥰 it also allows an opening for people to talk about their favorite things.
Growing up with AuDHD in the 90's, I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, although I was lucky to have special supports that many did not during that era.
One of the things that really helps me growing up was my parents making me aware of my autism, which allowed me to become aware of my own mannerisms.
The biggest thing of all that I've learned over the years, and the thing that's gotten me noticed by many people, is that I stop to listen. I'm constantly tempted to talk people's ears off, but I've learned to stop and wait to listen to their response before continuing. If there's no interest, I don't bring it up, even if it kills me inside. You have to know your audience and who you're talking to. There are things I've talked to some people about, and don't with others.
Ironically, I have someone who shares a lot of my diagnosis that drives me absolutely crazy, because he talks _at_ me, instead of talking _to_ me. It made me realize how important it is to pay attention to how people react, Auntie tried to lead with leading questions to see whether they're actually interested in talking about something.
Also, to add to something you mentioned in the episode, I also try to keep track of things I want to talk about, but I've also learned that if it's taken way too long to bring up my point, and I forget that point, there's a very good chance that ship has sailed anyway, and the point was probably doomed to be forgotten. I find it's often best as simply let it go, unless it's extremely important in which case I'll make note of it.
I think I might need a video on how to stop talking. My info dumps are very lengthy. ❤😊
Ohhh yeah the info dump desire is real and hard to contain! We'll make a note of it!
Yes please! I do this often and then I feel very awkward afterwards. It's like I either say too much or I don't say anything. Its really hard to find a happy medium
Ditto! Please cover this, the struggle is real.
I literally just did this with my son's teacher on the phone! She tried to end the conversation 3 times, that I noticed, before I actually let her go!!
I don't have any other way to speak... hahah. But also I always infodump on philosophy, as it was my degree, and usually related to something that was spoken. Tbh its worked really well for me and I've had amazing interactions because of it. People have said they like my attitude and enthusiasm when speaking. Use that adhd energy to your advantage!
I'm a board gamer, talking about game pieces and someone mentions their favourite colour is quite flowing to me as we are talking about which colour pieces we like to use in games. My favourite colour is yellow!
Purple here! Happy gaming!
In the Midwest we use the "Midwestern Goodbye" to end conversations: "Welp, better get going." If you're sitting down you pair it with slapping both hand on your thighs as you stand up. Traditionally it's followed up by a conversation at the door, and then a conversation in the driveway... but it can be a quick getaway if you're fast!
Ahahaha I wondered if someone was going to bring up the "Midwestern Goodbye" 🤣😊🧡
That's definitely a thing. I think the only way out of it is to be so blottered that you just pass out on the driveway.
We do it in Ontario too
@@HowtoADHDin Germany we do the slapping of both hands on thighs too 😊 We then say „Na dann…“ („Well then…“)
@@meggylee8078Seems to be a Canadian thing. Happened when I lived in BC, Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Ontario. 😅
Something useful on this topic would be the different levels of intimacy in conversation.
I think Caroline and Jessica touched on this a little bit in previous videos! Check them out! If they don't cover it in enough detail that is helpful... let us know :D
th-cam.com/video/p7SFuoNe2DI/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/28L1IPSf1N4/w-d-xo.html
Thanks a lot. I really needed this. Theres a nuerotypical technique to facilitate conversation called the FORD method which presented some blindspots for nuerodivergant people. I think these 12 steps really patch up all the holes. Learned about the FORD method on a hyper fixation spree.
Topics to talk about to start and never run out of things to say.
F- friends
O- occupation
R- recreation
D- dreams
Thanks @johnPaul-bw1gk - We would love to potentially use this comment in a future video. Are you comfortable with us sharing the comment with your username or would you rather remain anonymous?
@@HowtoADHD Very cool of you guys to ask if people are comfortable having their name put in the video! 👍🏻
Feel free to share the comment with my username. Big fan of your work. All the best. 👍@@HowtoADHD
I usually have no problems with listening to others, but I have no damn idea what I should say or talk about in general. For example a person is telling their story to me and I'm like "ohh man that's cool/not cool" and then I freeze. Complete silence until the other person continues talking. And it's not that I'm not interested in the topic! I just have no idea what to reply most of the times, what to ask etc, lol. Like I was too focused on listening that I forgot to think about talking.
This video is really useful, I need to try these tips out! Thank you, Jess!
I do that too!! It always makes me feel like such a boring person 😕
I was watching "Nobody Wants This" on Netflix last week and learned something kinda cool. One of the characters said she was talking to a hostage negotiator once and he gave her this tip to keep the conversation going. Take the last few words of what the other person just said and repeat them back to the other person in the form of a question. So like when Jessica says something about buying a house, you could say, "Oh! You're thinking about buying a house?" Then, in theory, the person continues the conversation from there. Or even if they just answer yes and stop talking, you could say something to follow up like, "What made you pick that particular house?" I'm sure it doesn't always work, but I'm sure it helps. I keep forgetting to try it. LOL
@rebeccabender5714 I just watched that episode too, and had the same revelation! Really enjoyed the show overall, looking forward to season 2. 😊
Hi Jessica, I don't think you are going to read this but I need to express this, even if it's just for random people on the internet.
I bought your book, and it made me cry on the introduction. I haven't even finished reading the second chapter and I just stopped crying to write this comment. I don't think I have ever been so well understood by someone, in the way I was by reading your book. It has become, without question, my favorite book, and I haven't even finished it yet.
Thank you for sharing your story and starting this channel. Thank you for being you and inspiring me (and so many others) to be myself and ourselves.
Much love ❤
Especially useful with those who are AuDHD
One thing for exiting a conversation is to do the "I have to leave soon" part but add on "before I do I would love to hear how your story ends or how that thing ended up or some tips you recommend etc." Then essentially it becomes more of an im interested but I need you to wrap it up vs. and I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Thank you, this is a great one for ADHD brains!! I love your "hang on, I want to take a note so that I can empty my brain and give you my full attention" strategy 👍 👍
This video isn’t just for ADHD-people. I know gobs of introverts and other awkward ppl who need this! 😅 including kids who are stuck on devices, don’t know how to interact w/ real-humans and heading into Middle School.
True. As a non-ADHDer, autistic man, this is quite helpful.
I think post-pandemic we’ll be seeing the fallout of isolation for a while.
Good point! Updated the title to reflect that :)
You are so right! I use these ideas with all ages- Caroline
@@danielsac6316 I plan to watch this with my autistic hubs and my neuro-spicy teens. Imagine 6 people who struggle with conversations living under the same roof. 😬🤪
My favorite open ended question in like a party/ icebreaker/ table talker situation is: “if you were a wizard what spell would you cast?” Because it’s a secret way of getting someone to tell you what they value or desire or what they dream about etc. people usually answer very truthfully and also explain their reasoning so you get some extra info on what they’re interested in or their worldview
“Don’t cross your arms”. Ok…but what do I DO with my arms and hands???!! They just hang there awkwardly! 🤣
Another useful tip that idnr where it's from is the "Yes, and" technique. It helps you practice making open-ended responses that the other person(s) can build off of. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone who only gives "yes, no, maybe, idk" reponses because they give you nothing to work with when formulating a follow-up response to their reply. Conversation really is a two-way street.
The only place I find it really easy to have small talk with random strangers is the Pet Store - or the cat section in the supermarket! As I leave I tell them I hope their cat acknowledges their efforts 😹
Yeah! It feels easier at a pet store - how DOESN'T want to talk about cute pets?! It sounds like a great place to practice conversation skills though! And maybe one day it'll be easier to do it outside the pet store too :)
Considering I like animals more than people, I completely agree!
One thing that I have started if I have something that I would really like for someone else to ask me about I ask them about it first. For example if I had a really good weekend and I want to talk about it I ask them about their weekend. Afterwards they usually ask me about my weekend.
I also love the fact that you continue to talk about games in a game store because board games are my big hobby.😊
As an AuDHD person this video was so informative and useful, I really love the way Caroline explains things. I also loved the use of the puppets it was so fun.
I am so glad you liked it. I loved the puppets!! Caroline
this is actually perfect timing because college classes start soon and i’m gonna meet a lot of new people this semester :)
Goodluck!! The handout can be helpful too! Caroline
I cannot tell you how many times I wish and want and sometimes beg the TH-cam vids or wish I could interrupt a public speaker to ask them to give an example/step by step to support or explain or give me a list of "x" to help me get started. I know why people don't cause they don't want people to think that's the only way, but for me it help get my brain firing off and allows me to build on it and make it my own. I love this video.
GREAT video! 🤓Some additional things that have helped me: 1) Pre-deciding a certain number of "volleys" of the conversational ball for places like work (or certain people! ; - ). 🎾 I easily lose track of time and have heightened rejection sensitivity about "talking too much" (according to SOME---others like it thankfully! < : - ). So pre-planning and exiting *myself* helps me avoid feeling hurt by those who haven't mastered the art of exiting graciously. "Leave 'em wanting more." 😄
2) When I'm the one needing to leave, I always try to end on a positive note (e.g. referencing something good in the conversation/how nice it was to see them) even if right before that I had to apologize for leaving abruptly. 😃
3) If I arrive early or at the same time as someone, I intentionally pick the seat/position with the least distracting view so I can listen better and not appear disinterested. Same with *putting my phone out of sight.* And if I get distracted while having a conversation with someone, sometimes I'll say, "I don't want to miss anything you're saying and that [big screen, drunken bachelorette party, parade of dogs... ; - ) behind you is really distracting me. Do you mind if we switch positions or move somewhere else so I can focus on you better?" In general, I find framing things as a positive helps." : - )
This was awesome! After working in customer service for years I've gotten pretty good at _most_ steps, but I fail miserably at "bridging" topics, which leaves most conversations ending abruptly because I've run out of things to say (sometimes after awkwardly prompting the person to keep talking about a subject I don't care about). But I've never thought about it in the way you guys present here, I definitely gotta think about that some more and then practice it.
I didn't...think I'd get so much out of this. But to hear this stuff quantified so clearly is SUPER valuable.
Thanks for saying so! We're thinking of doing a series of "how to" videos for (seemingly) basic skills that aren't always so basic for us...how to declutter might be next!
The way I learned to cope with my difficulty holding conversations when I was young was to avoid them as much as possible.... Had to start from scratch once I hit adulthood and actually had to start interacting with the world. Still a work in progress, and I am so thankful for the resources you and others have made so accessible.
I’m at the point where I take notes on the phone but not sure how this would work in person. It’s great to see the longevity of this channel. I referred students here as a teacher and still use the toss for myself and kiddos, thanks!
this was one of my fav episodes. i loved the use of puppets, notes board and speech bubbles .All these visual cues really make a difference to understanding and recalling the content.
I'm so bad at not ending conversations abruptly! Jessica's tip about "I'm so glad we chattED" is great.
I also enjoyed the arm movement at 13:05 For when they *really* don't get the hint 😂
Hello there, Brains & Hearts 🧠❤
Hello!
You rock @HowtoADHD ! I really appreciate posts like this! These seem like simple topics, but they're like basic essentials a person needs to know in order to socialize. Some people, like me, just didn't have opportunities to grow their social muscles. Thanks for making conversations not feel so intimidating! :D
I haven’t been this entertained by hand puppets since Sesame Street!
Hehehe glad you enjoyed them!
Anybody who doesn't enjoy a good handpuppet is probably dead inside.
Also that one episode of Angel where he is turned into a vampire puppet.
@SmallSpoonBrigade it's called being a adult
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one feeling this way. For me, my biggest nemesis is attending a wedding. So many strangers and awkward conversations. It's so mentally draining, I usually have to recover from it for days lol. Great and very useful video for those situations!
Awesome strategies, especially the exit!
Coming back to add, I love your outro music! I’m going to try to get my brain to give me that instead of some of the songs I dislike, that get lodged for *days*
For initial question, I have heard that instead of saying: What do you do for a living? I would ask: What do you do for fun? The first question implies, consciously or unconsciously, trying to rank the person according to the prestige of careers or wealth (you know, doctor instead of garbageman) whereas the second question has less of that.
Those puppets are super cute. Please continue using them.
Paying attention during a conversation is something I struggled with even as a kid. I learned as a kid to respond to people talking to me like "uhu" and nodding your head, that sort of thing ... I also learned to say a line back to the person talking to me (it also helps me remembering what I need to remember, when I say it out loud, and the other person might find acknowledgement in that I guess). I did find out I like to talk ... like a lot. But listening to another person is a bit of a struggle. I even tend to block off comliments or comments about me or my behaviour etc...
Yeah! The active listening part can be... hard. It definitely takes practice... and for some it takes other strategies too (like having a fidget on hand, or doodling!). But ideally we can hooooopefully learn to steer the conversation in a way that does keep us a bit more interested to make listening a lil bit easier!
hi jessica! i just wanted to tell u that u inspired me and helped me a lot and when i was doing my english course during summer we had to talk about our idol and i chose u and talked abt u :)
I swear, when I had the "interview"-part with the doctor/therapist to find out if I had ADHD, this happened: Doctor:"So do you think you have---" she sees my gaze moving away from her to something behind her "--problems focusing?". I look back at her and say:"Sorry, there was something moving behind you, it was a flag outside the window, so nevermind, go on!" 😅😅
Getting out of a conversation is the hard part for me, and it applies to leaving a party/gathering as well. Somehow that's even more difficult for me. I really like the conversation ender suggestions.
Crossing your arms and then uncrossing them is a nonverbal signal of, "We're cut off from each other and I'm opening up to you." Seeing a really obvious physical sign might be enough to push someone to open themselves up as well and uncross their own arms.
I am so excited for sunsama. Thank you! Conversation wise, I apologize for interrupting often and I try to redeem myself by steering the conversation back to what they were about to say. If I catch myself interrupting it helps to physically cover my mouth.
THANK YOU!!! I've been struggling with conversations a lot lately even though it's something that usually comes naturally to me. I really appreciate seeing basic conversation guides, it's really encouraging!
I'd love it if you could do a video on how to talk about having ADHD to people that don't know much about it (even the supportive people) I'm finally at a point where I feel safe talking about how my brain works, but sometimes I think my delivery is a bit off and that people are getting the wrong impression 😅 I want to socialize, and to be understood but I forgot how to people. Please help. lol
This came at the perfect time for where I am in my life. Thanks for the helpful resource.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a great basis for how to interact with other people.
Great video! I appreciate all of the communication and relationship based videos. This was so helpful! I'd like to know more or have more discussion about how to know when the other person isn't interested.
This video might save my social life.
Hope it helps!
great video, thanks for sharing!
9:19 also with the yawning, instead avoiding doing it (because we yawn to oxygenate to stay awake) we can provide context instead "I *am* really interested in what you're saying, I'm just tired, so the yawn isn't about what you're saying it's about my energy level" (and to address a "what if": if the other person can't accept that honestly provided context, then thaaat's on them XP)
“I think the fact that we don’t have any sort of context is tripping me up a little bit” REALLY hit home! So, how do you ANSWER when someone asks you an open-ended question with no context??? “Tell me something new.” Ummm…??? What do you mean? Something new about what? School? Work? do you want something on art? Music? Nature? Photography? Sports? What other topics do i know about? And i don't remember anything i know on any of those topics right now… I have this mountain bike that i’ve never actually ridden on a mountain, but i was watching this video… but you’re probably not interested in that… TV?… but i don’t watch a lot of tv… but i watched this show, but you’ll probably think it was weird… it was… and i don’t know what YOU know, so i don’t know what to say that’s new to you… was that the question? What am i trying to answer again?
Honestly, what I usually do, as an auDHD person, is ask them those exact things you said: 'What do you mean? Something new about what?' and it bounces the conversation back to them and then either they clarify and we both get to have a fulfilling conversation afterwards, OR they get upset that we didn't read their mind about what they meant, and now we know that's a person we should avoid interacting with where possible
I love "ooo, subscribe!" ❤ That's so easy and quick!
One of the problems I'd like more strategies for dealing with is when you signal that the conversation is done or that you have to go and they won't let the conversation end. Some of them will even step in your way to prevent you from going.
Can we do a conversations with people we do know, especially serious conversations this is so nice
Another fantastic video. Thank you for all that you do!
"Have you played this game before?" is a close-ended question though! (Enjoying the tips, just caught that! 😂)
I use many of those tips! I've learned how to be a good listener my whole life, so I'm good at mantaining conversations, but I struggle at starting them and talking about my interests or myself (11:10 is not ridiculous at all, that's how I feel too many times). I'm a people pleaser, so I have to be careful to not fall in harmful habits (like saying yes to everything or talking about things I'm not comfortable with).
Also, the moment I feel someone isn't interested in hearing me, that's when I shut down. Too many times I've been ignored or talked over, or plainly showed disinterest in what I was saying, so now it's hard for me to open up. Although now I have good friends with whom I feel comfortable enough to talk about my passions (they always ask for more info), I'm still working on talking about myself, my feelings and my struggles openly.
For the "How to exit conversations" part, that could be a good moment to ask for the other person's number, either for keeping in touch/talk about a second meeting, or to remember their name. I've been in the situation that I remember a person, but I don't remember their name, so telling them that I don't know if I have their number helped to find it 😅
Such a helpful video. Two comments. First, what is we wanna jump in the conversation and share something but the person keeps talking and makes it difficult to stay engaged?(I hate it when people talk for long without me participating) Second, the listening part was all new to me and I didn't understand it fully. Can you make another video on the listening topic? Thank you so much :)
Caroline is awesome, and I’m so glad you’re both active on TH-cam because you both help me so much. Fall classes start on the 19th and #LoveLearning year two is underway. Thank you both for all your help! ❤
This video is so great, thank you!!
I would love a part 2 for talking at parties though. Because I struggle a lot when there are lots of people you want to talk to, and lots of them are strangers, and then there are some friends.
A few examples of what can get difficult:
1) I managed to start chatting with someone and it's going well (yay!) and then I catch a snippet of a conversation the people next to us are having and it's a topic I feel passionately about, so I speak up and say something without thinking. But then the conversation shifts and I want to go back to the conversation I was having with my original conversation partner(s) but it's difficult because I left the conversation without warning and they are looking at their phones, and it's hard to reignite that talk.
2) Everything is overstimulating! There are 5 conversations going on and I cannot tune any of them out but that means I cannot join any of the conversations either. So I sit around in silence for a long time.
3) I really want to talk to my only friend at the party but they're already talking to someone else, and it seems like a one-on-one conversation. So I sit somewhere else with a bunch of strangers that I know nothing about. How do I start talking to them when they're either already having a lively conversation about something I'm not interested in or maybe they are just sitting around quietly because they are shy as well? A random party doesn't really imply a common interest. And I once tried asking "How do you know the person who's party this is?" and they said "From work, we work together." and I was like "Oh okay, cool." And I already know the place they work at, so I didn't know what else to ask there. And nobody likes to talk about work while at a party.
4) I'm at a big table with lots of people who are just sipping their drinks. Who do I even start a conversation with? With everyone??? How does that even work?
5) It's a smaller party and everyone is really good friends. Maybe they went to school together and have lots of history or they just spend a lot of time together. And I'm just good friends with one of them. So they're all constantly throwing around references I don't get or they're reminiscing about past events that they experienced together. How can I really take part in the conversation when I don't have enough background knowledge about these people and I'm also shy around them? And they all seem so close? I don't even know what jobs they have or who this "Tom" is that they keep talking about. And I don't want to interrupt the conversations with my questions because some of these things might take really long to explain.
Anyway. There are probably a million more examples I could give. But I hope this gets the gist across that there are different challenges in situations that aren't one-on-one, especially at parties.
OH THAT IS a good idea. I have thought of that!! Caroline
Personally, I'd need a video on how to STOP talking! 😂
Great video, as always!
You do amazing work! I watch your videos when I feel overwhelmed and feel crazy . I very much appreciate you ✌💚
Yes, ENDING a conversation is the one I struggle with.
Want it but don't know how to do politly and later I am the one that talked too long🤦🏽♀️
Nope! They just didn't leave me alone! I was clearly not interested, but told to "be polite".
In the end whatever I do will be wrong...😢
As an adhd salesman there's a good formula I was taught to help build rapport with people and its called FORGE. Where are they FROM, what is their OCCUPATION, what do they do for RECREATION, what are their GOALS and the EMOTIONAL attachment behind them. You can use this anywhere and not just trying to sell and manipulate people. Hope this helps someone awkward!
Edit: just realized some of y'all will take it too literal, ask those question but also ask probing questions about those subjects after the answer ESPECIALLY if you find something relatable, if you find nothing relatable ask for more information about any of those topics.
I love how on the open ended questions example in the game store “have you played this game before?” Was actually a closed ended yes/no question. She’s was just lucky to have an overly responsive partner to talk to, who picked up the conversation and added more to it than just yes/no.
I cannot do open ended questions either. Which is why I noticed 😂
Thank you for the ideas. How do we be more polite and not talk someone’s ear off, or how do we keep from interrupting?
Ahahah, the puppets are a hoot, I love it 🤣 We need more of this!
Putting things in past tense to exit a conversion is brilliant. Not sure ive ever used this!
I really loved the puppets! It was like a callback to some of the old videos on this channel, when you used props. It makes the info engaging, and also easier to connect to the ideas with a demonstration. Also, they are friendly anthropomorphised sock guys. What’s not to like?!
I haven't even Started this yet and I have 2 dates coming up this month Perfect Timing THANK YOU!
Getting advice for having an conversation is helpful for me. I hate socialising but I love making new friends, but it can be overwhelming when Im fumbling for conversation topics and things to say which sound awkward, random and cringe.
I love this! Especially, help with exiting a conversation. I'm terrible at that. Thank you :)
OMG, "remind me to come back to" is gonna be so useful.
Good refreshers, especially #6-8, which I'm working on, though I in the past had got it down. I work around college students so it'll be a good place to work on it to become better.
Thanks Jessica!
Hope it helps and let us know how it goes!!
@@HowtoADHD I'll try to remember. 😄 I'll write it down. 😃
I'm currently on medical leave for surgery so I'll have time to practice at it by myself.
Love the Hand Puppets, Jess
Honestly very surprised by how much I connected with this video, the actual start of a conversation is always one of the hardest things for me, along with continuing conversations. What I've noticed in particular is that these techniques are often things I already do, except that I do them much better in text conversations where I'm able to think about things and see them written out all at once. But they're still things I can practice--especially something like being able to practice a few useful open-ended questions.
The bit about switching topics/focusing on specific topics during a conversation was funny, because it reminded me of some computer RPGs like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and the way that those games have conversations where you switch topics in the same way.
Really helpful tips, thank you!
I had one of those moments earlier of going off topic and throwing something random in. My coworker was mentioning how hurricane Helene is going to be hitting Florida and Georgia this weekend. I of course went to Florida Georgia Line, the band. She knows me so well and knew I’d do that. ADHDers that work together are the best! 😂
The actual subject and info of the video was great and useful and all that stuff, of course, but also I for one would love to hear about your favorite boardgames. (I'm pretty new around here, so this content could already exist somewhere...)
Something I struggle with/hate/avoid but I've found is hugely important to neurmal people/in general: goodbyes.
You finally got those puppets you were talking about! Good job
Yeah!! Aren't they adorable?!
I find admitting that I'm having an ADHD/etc moment when the record scratches on a conversation can actually really smooth things over... It takes a bit of courage but it can be very effective as long as you don't overuse it.
Here's a thought: if I was going to mention that "bunch of stuff" after 10:50 or so, I might very well say it out loud as a list, with pasues in between and maybe even visibly counting out on my fingers, before asking the other person which one they would most like to hear about.
This was great, it's confirmed to me that I am starting conversations well (could be better, of course 😅). Let's spread the word 😂
Yes, there's something you missed! How do you end a conversation when you're not able to walk away? Like, when you meet a colls on the train but your brain wants alone time?
Anyways, great video and great to have you on my youtube feed again!!!
*colleague
You can still use the exiting conversation lines! They can be adjusted or edited to fit different scenarios. "It was good to see you. I'll talk to you later." Just something that can help put the conversation in the past, and that you're moving on. :)
@@HowtoADHD No but like, what if that person has SAT DOWN next to you? (European speaking here... I think this is probably a less common problem in the US? But it's, like, REALLY common here... 🙈.)
On another note: Waaaaaaah, thank you for replying!!
@@cesbiyou can go like "hey thanks for the conversation but I gotta get something done" then pull up your phone or a book or put on headphones or something, it doesn't have to be a real thing, sitting in silence with someone else is also completely ok
@@Yamartim OH my god, that's brilliant! Thank you so much.
The puppets are so cute 😀!
Thank you for THIS.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porassss.
Love the sock puppets! Lol Love a step by step guide. ❤
Wow, this video's kind of perfect timing for me. Been trying to talk to more people, this helped a lot :D
Let us know how it goes!!!
omg those are the most adorable sock puppets in all of everdom.
Not sure if I feel seen or if I feel outright surveilled
👁️👄👁️
This is so great!
That was super helpful 😍🥰
Another thing I've found helpful:
Know how to respond to something negative.
For example, if I ask someone how their weekend was and they say their grandma or wife died, it can be helpful to have a go-to response for that. It does take a lot of practice though (and possibly a bit of research).
I've found that expressing sympathy (like, "I'm sorry that happened") combined with an invitation to talk about it (such as "what's something you miss about them" or "did you know them well") tends to go over well (although it's important to read body language when choosing the follow up question)
It also depends on how involved you want to get in that conversation though. The main way I would encounter them was while I was working as a cashier (I don't like being bored, and talking to customers made it more interesting) so my conversations only lasted until I finished scanning groceries, meaning I didn't usually need to worry about a conversation lasting longer than I wanted it to.
my general go to when i dont know what to do or say is to mirror what the other human said to me but turn it into a question! that or ask if they have any children/pets because those are always topics that humans like to talk about.
"Try not to yawn" also made me yawn- I feel like I have it as a stress response sometimes, I don't even have to be tired! But I did notice it probably made me seem disinterested. If I feel I have to yawn, I usually do kind of an "internal yawn" which is really just a deep nose breath. I think my body is trying to trick me into taking a calming breath to regulate anyway, so it usually works!