Struggling to Move Forward in Strained Relationships? (Watch This)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ก.ย. 2024
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"The feelings are very very real but they are not telling you the truth."
- Delony
I have a pre teen and I really like hearing calls from parents of teenagers. The takeaway message is usually connection. Form a connection otherwise anything you try to do as far as consequences or boundaries might backfire. Consequences and boundaries are important but the connection has to be there too.
I think Dr. John got it the first time, something is not adding up with the first caller. She’s not admitting he’s abusive and tries to separate her from her kids. That’s what’s happened to me since I was 10 with my moms boyfriend and she took his side for years until I became 18 and then they broke up. If the kids don’t like him it’s most likely for a reason and she’s coping by saying she babies them but she doesn’t.
That’s definitely possible. I think it’s also very possible that the wife is downplaying how emotionally attached her kids are to her. It’s definitely possible that her husband’s concerns are valid and that she is babying the kids too much given that they are adults. If they are calling her all times of the day and getting together constantly to talk and ask for advice, etc., it could be to the point that it’s taking away time that she would otherwise have with her husband. She said her husband specifically said he doesn’t mind her spending time with them. It could just be he just thinks it’s over the top.
I’m remarried - my kids are 32 & 29 … his kids are 29 & 26.
My kids are independent in all ways. His kids cannot make a decision on their own. They don’t do any “adulting” on their own. It’s beyond getting advice. If his kids go out of town, my husband will make the hotel room reservations for example.
He is quite immeshed with his kids. Primarily his daughter.
I my husbands case it’s a way to be needed and feel valued by his kids. Instead of teaching his daughter how to do things … he just does it for her. I’ve had conversations with him about how he won’t always be here and it’s good for her to learn from him how to do it … he says he knows he doesn’t have to - he wants to do it for her.
I’ve basically made peace with the fact his daughter especially… will always be on the payroll and he will always be handling her adult responsibilities.
Right now his 29yr old son has moved in back home after not working and traveling the world for 15 months… has no job, no money and he wants to take one month to prepare before applying for jobs … he doesn’t help around the house and creates a lot more stress. He has no car … assumes mine is there for him to use. He has a master’s degree and can easily get over 100k walking in the door where ever he goes… he could make more money that his father off the bat … but lives with us now. It is a HUGE struggle and honestly I don’t know if our marriage will survive it. I’m trying to manage things differently than I have in the past…
I think the woman is immeshed with her kids. It’s her relationship with them that helped her get through her first marriage and it makes her feel good that they “need” her.
SHE is creating stress and drama by lying about visiting her kids and doing what she did in the past … creating teams of “us” vs. “him”. She’s repeating things she did in her first marriage as a way to stay connected with her kids.
@@libbyneefe1075 I didn't think about it that way that's a good point , I think a daily check in can be somewhat excessive if it's for a long period of time but if it's lets say 10 minutes a call then I think that's within bounds. If the call was for hour + with multiple kids and they are leaning on her for things they should be able to take of themselves then I agree that is babying
@@tinam761 I appreciate you sharing and you make a super valid point, if that is how the caller is treating their kids then I agree that is super unhealthy. Sorry to hear that you are going through this and I hope your husband will realize the damage that it causes in your relationship because that is super damaging for your relationship as well as unhealthy for the kids because they should be fending for themselves. The car situation is unacceptable and the leeching off your house is as well. If he was helping around the house and paying rent/ looking for work I can see how it would be ok to stay at your house while he gets on his feet and it was mutually agreed upon but as it stands now, that is just not cool. He is also not doing any favors for his daughter by handling all the adult obligations and putting her on payroll, that is awful and I see it in people my age and even older (25+) it creates adult children and it is depressing.
@@libbyneefe1075I agree with you , she’s choosing to have 2 lives . She comparing her ex to the new hubby .
She works shift , then puts her kids first . Guys a patient man .
Also those kids sound like manipulative calling everyday trying to create a wedge.
I’d be sick of all the constant drama , he possibly is hence his low tolerance to them . They need to set boundaries together to blend their families.
When I graduated in Tech I had 3 job offers. I literally chose one based on the extra (3rd) week of vacation it offered.
Later I was sent to work abroad and while there I got a 4th week of vacation because it is law!!!
Why have Americans accepted the horrible behaviors of of the corporate overlords???
So thankful for this show and for the parenting advice given to the last caller. Game changer hearing it called a performance based connection. We need more therapists like Deloney.
Society and economics has made it so that the workplace is our primary home....and the people who head that home can either build you up or tear you down and i've seen both cases. I spent 18 years at a job with intentions of retirement from there and one day management called me in to fire me because i was a 1/2 point over their attendance system. What was going on in my personal life was of no interest to them, they already had their minds made up. I lost a steady paycheck, health insurance, stock options and had to transfer my 401k. It took a long time to recover from that not to mention the loss of friends there, job security and a ton of self esteem.
There's 2 sides to every story with the 1st caller. My situation is the opposite, my ex fiance could never talk about OUR future without bringing up his grown kids. What does their grown kids have to do with us having a baby, buying a new home, going on a honeymoon/vacation, etc! Wtf!!!
That’s the problem with dating and marrying people in a different phase of life. Likely bringing up their GROWN children because they already completed their child rearing phase of life! Better question would be why on earth are you considering having a baby with someone who is obviously in their later years?
Sounds like she needs to grow up herself. The whole giggling is very disrespectful to her husband, Bc there are two sides to every story at the end of the day!!
@@juicysmith38235 I understand that is what you want. However it does not sound like you both want to have children together. More like your spouse may wish they had had children with you but are at least questioning whether they want to recycle that phase of life again rather than enjoying their “fun” golden years after sacrificing the last twenty for their children. Some people do make the choice to commit another 20 years as parents instead of grandparents. It just doesn’t sound like that is the case, given your comment.❤️
@@JP-ll8iy giggling is probably a nervous reaction…
They are his kids I can’t imagine not talking about my kids even when they are older. If you want t to be with someone who has kids grown or not you have to be open to them being in your life or break up.
The first caller is basically my mom and her husband is basically my stepdad. And I can assure you, he’s an abusive jerk, and it’s not that she’s carrying her beliefs from her first marriage into this one.
My second husband was like this. That's why I won't even date again. It's too late for my kids to benefit from me being in a good marriage but it's not too late for them to be further damaged by another bad one.
lol you don't have to stop dating, just choose wisely
@@jghetto85 and do it for yourself, not for children. Children not to be used as a shield, or, at least, an excuse
Why jump to marriage? You can date and date as often as you can, when/if you feel comfortable. But you may not for a bit. The key is to talk to each and not go on another date if there’s something that’s a problem. For instance, he says he wants/wants more kids and you do not. Full stop right there!
My stepfather was so jealous of us kids. He made my mum do a will to leave all her stuff to him and his kids. My mum started a business with my brothers. When it started doing well, he changed the locks and put his son in there. Just jealous all the time.
I love the ideology of teaching our youth how to study and repair relationships! I'm a therapist with ADHD, I had a diagnosed ADHD youth ruining family life due to sitting at table hours because he wouldn't do his homework. I helped him make homework a game, we used timer etc. He completed 6 assignments, and he wanted to complete more assignments! Parents are teachers. We tend to forget that I'm definitely guilty of this.
I believe the work place may be the place where you feel the least amount of autonomy. At home you and your partner are on equal footing and can work together to improve a relationship. Your manager could be a "my way or the highway" type leaving you no recourse and feeling powerless.
Me either! The reason I couldn't find love or to be loved bec I was living in a dark bubble not finding anyone for me. I believed the word I love you!! But there was nothing there!!
Awesome video- so true- show you love through your actions- not just your words.
And make sure your actions and your words are consistent with each other!
Same here as with caller one and it is rough! So very hard to again balance a man’s immature needs to avoid temper tantrums.
Keep up the good work!
50:05 "performance-based connection" ...that hits hatd, very hard
I was raised like that: be a good kid so we like you. Now at 59yo, I am still a 'good kid' BUT you can read on my face I detest (your) authority, I reject advices, I decline participation in (your, whomever) conditional like. I do not even pronounce the word *love.
Well.... what can I do with this...? Dr. John...
Such great advice Dr. Delony!
I don't feel like she's telling the truth fully.
I think her husband is jealous of her kids and she feels like she needs to sneak around to see them or he will have a fit.
I love this management advice. I try my best to build a safe and supported workplace for my team.
Note to self......dont have kids i will be more happy and my spouse will not hate me
Great. Video John thank you
The ghost in this call is loyalty...behavior is a language? What's the message the step kids were conveying showing up late for the marriage? The lady strive navigating between her new husband and her children rather than taking side with her husband telling the kids to either respect her marriage or go to hell
Telling them to go to hell is pretty wild lol
Her kids aren’t obligated to like her new husband and spend time with him. She knew beforehand that was an issue and she still chose her new husband. Now she’s complaining that there’s friction.
Too bad lady.
The first caller talks bad about her children to her new spouse behind their back. Thats why he doesn’t like them. She plays them against each other but I’m not sure why….it might be she has major control issues and deep rooted resentment and bitterness. She is the problem wjth the lack of unity in her new family. I’d bet almost anything. I’ve seen it!
Dude. On that first call...way to constantly berate a guy who's not there to tell his side. Maybe her kids are just massive a-holes, and she's an enabler. It's calls like this where Deloney attacks people that aren't there, especially men, that make me consider stepping away from this show.
I’m the second wife and my husband and I both have adult children. His are 29 & 27. They are very immature and did a lot of things to try to break us up under the radar… they would do things … I would say something about it and my husband would ask his kids about it … they’d say they know nothing about it and then I was “crazy” and the bad guy. They used to take my things … a lot. They were complete a$$holes. It’s a little better now, 6 years after me moving in, but still not where it should be.
Mom wants to keep the closeness of “us” vs. “him” … she wants her kids to “need” her … she just has a new person in the “him” role. She is getting something out of this … otherwise she would stop the lying.
TLDR; legal adulthood doesnt excuse families from the blending process. If they can't blend, and the relationship is worth it, you need agreeable boundaries. If you can't do that... pick your kids. Someone better can meet your needs.~~~~~~
I don't know I felt that way about how Dr Deloney responded. I think he took the safest route through what sounds like two people trying to make something work that might not work. The woman did not seem to fully understand how her context plays into her feelings- that's a great reason to ask for help.
Parenting doesn't end, and it's okay to not be together on the sole basis that you can't agree how to raise a child in their twenties.
I disagree with all sorts of parents at the schoolyard on how to parent and our kids are under ten. I don't see them outside of pickup and drop off and that's best for everybody😅
John only has one side of the story, and he has to run with the information he’s given to support the caller. He can’t give the other person the benefit of the doubt every time because that doesn’t benefit the caller- through I’ve heard him defend the other party and berate the caller several times. I’ve heard him go off about women, too- but I’ve also heard way more women call into this show with abusive male partners than the reverse, and when that’s the reality, that’s what you’re going to hear on the show. None of that is Delony’s fault.
Dr John, u no longer have the George foreman grill as a sponsor?
Just scanning Dataiku to collect data science 🔭 valid networking opportunities ✌️ see ya
Speak for yourself bro. I have tons of friends
I’m sorry, but this is to be expected when you break up families. I get that marriage is hard but once you bring children into the mix marriage should be almost absolute. Yes in the very rare case of abuse the marriage should certainly end, however abuse is FAR from common. Divorce should be an absolute LAST resort and remarriage should only be allowed AFTER the children are adults. Unrelated men around minor children are the number ONE cause of ABUSE to the unrelated children.
I think how common abuse is......is a matter of the mental health of your groups. In a large amount of groups of people, it's incredibly common. Just well hidden and excused....like church.
@@sackettfamily4685 real abuse is actually quite uncommon. Most marriages are broken up by normal things like greed, infidelity, immaturity, or perversions like porn. We throw around the word “abuse” too easily anymore.
@@sarahalderman3126 so define abuse......
@@sackettfamily4685 my ass just produced a beam of light
@@sackettfamily4685 the toilet bowl has been filled, to the brim
Its NOT me that you're JEALOUS of its MONEY 💵💹💲🔢🔢🔢 JEALOUS OF NUMBERS, MONEY, ETC.