I have a suggestion for her, drive to your son’s house to see your granddaughter in her Halloween costume. Young families have so much going on and are establishing their own traditions. Ask if you and your husband can come by for 15 minutes to see her then go home. Expectations will destroy your heart, look for the road to their house rather than them coming to you. Relationships are built on a thousand moments, not just the holidays. Been there and feel your heartache.
This! Also please go home at a decent time - my sister has young children and is always angry when our parents stay over late it messes up the whole schedule and they also want them to come to their house but it's a 40 minute drive in total and a lot in traffic - it tires out the cranky kids and is not fun
No offense ma'm, Halloween is not a "spend it with the extended family" holiday. It's a make the kids worn out hunting down houses to fill their candy bag day.
@@stacyrich113 nope. Just the eldest of 7 children with over 100 first cousins and 30 aunts and uncles, all both sets of grandparents alive including great grandparents. Halloween was our favorite time of year and it has nothing to do with the holidays shared with extended family like thanksgiving and Christmas.
Yeah that was the one holiday that I never saw my grandparents. It really was a holiday just meant for the household. My Dad would take us trick or treating and my mom would pass out the candy. There was no time for grandparent visits.
Ugh the holidays are so annoying. Everyone wants you to drive 2 hours to visit them, then another 2 hours to visit someone else, then another 2 hours to visit the other relatives. None of which is fun, and none of which is enjoyable. Why can't we just stay at our own home and make our own holiday without everyone feeling annoyed, abandoned, and upset?
Stay home, deprive your kids of family traditions. Your extended family will cope without you. Our family did that with my sister who felt Christmas alone with her adopted kids was more fun than including her parents in a meal. So we did our normal stuff without them. Kids are adults now, and have no connections to their suits and uncles or cousins. Oh well.
I agree completely. Sometime you have to just establish your own holiday traditions as an immediate family...especially if you have kids. Hauling the kids here, there, and everywhere...or just hauling yourself & spouse/sig other along icy roads to make it in time...just a hassle sometimes. I think it's hard for us parents to let go of our kids and the control we used to have of them as kids.
Dr. D has a knack for hearing the unspoken story. I just heard that they didn't come by for Halloween, and figured it was genuine busyness. He dug deeper and found the truth of the repeated behavior.
Right?! Everyone wants a visit after we’ve already travelled 3 hours, then act like jerks when we can’t stay long because everyone wants a visit all over the stupid valley. Carting kids around who are fussy, carsick and miserable. Not to mention the COST of coming to visit. They’ve gotten so annoying that it’s not worth it.
People are prone to be hurt when actions like this continue. And that’s okay. She just needs to explain that hurt to her son and try to fix the situation. Hardly anyone handles issues the right way every time.
I have a mother and a mother-in-law the exact same. The baby was cold, and most likely hungry and over-stimulated. But they're still supposed to bring her to the grandmother so she can be self-fulfilled. Its not about you! How about instead of pouting, ask if you can bring the gift to their house with some coffee for the parents? That way you're being helpful and you still get to see the granddaughter.
I was thinking the same. Also, it's okay to be disappointed. But the dramatics would make me avoid her like the plague. She isn't doing herself any favors.
My toddler was exhausted after 1 hour of trick or treating so I can't imagine taking him around to parade him to grandparents after that. It's like some people conveniently forget what toddlers are like and what they can tolerate
Ya know. As a mom of several small children all I hear is “me me me, I don’t get time I’m entitled to” - lady the answer is to say to them “I know you have a lot going on tonight (Halloween) but I’d love to see the kiddos in their costume - can I swing by and see them? Also, can I grab anything for you? Need me to grab dinner?” I promise you will get a better response
This lady doesn’t just mom…she MOMS! Good on you. I like this approach a lot as someone who has an entitled, clearly emotionally manipulative mother like the caller in this video. I would LOVE and be absolutely over the moon if this was the type of communication I received. Thank you for being you 😊
To me this sounds like the mother not letting go that her son is married and has his own family. Sounds like there are juggling many sides of the family and also have to have time for themselves. It may not be deeper than that.
Same problem for us in Mississippi. The daughter in law wants to be with her family on holidays and my son goes along to get along. It hurts because he won't speak up. When my husband and I were young with small children, we knocked ourselves out to make sure we spent equal time with both sets of parents. It's not necessarily this ladies fault.
@@lisacraft9929 right! It’s always the man’s family have to suck it all up, is problematic etc. It’s not. My brother had a wife where it was her family or else he was going to get cussed out, or knocked out. He divorced her and now he comes around way more, some women do not want their husbands family around just because
I don't see why she can't go to their house to visit if they live in the same town. Why not meet up before they go trick or treating and see the kiddo then. It doesn't make sense to stop the fun of trick or treating in the middle just to see Grandma. It would probably make the kid upset to lose out on candy time. Seems to me she's creating problems whenever she could be the solution herself
@@LisaLisaCJ Sure, but statisticly speaking, paternal side of the family is usually more fucked up - creating drama for no reason, aggression, addictions, etc. While maternal side isn't perfect either, but they are way more pleasant to be around during holidays. Not sure how that statistic looks in U.S., but it sure is like that in Asia and Europe (with the difference that in Asia it's cultural to focus on paternal in-laws regardless, cause when you get married the wife joins husband's family).
Just throwing in the wife's family's divorce rate casually like that indicates that there is probably a lot of silent judgment coming from this woman. I do not blame the son.
Well its importand detail, they probably going to 4! houses not 2 because of all those divorces just on her side. And I dont blame the woman for beeing resentfull, Im sure this is not helping anyone but is valid.
You can feel the resentment (which to her credit, she admitted) and judgement in her voice. She sounds angry. I wouldn't want to talk to someone with this tone either.
My sister in law calls me and the kids her brothers wife and daughters and has nothing to do with us . With that being said he doesn’t have a relationship with his sisters ..
My mom used to get jealous of my relationship with my in-laws. Even though I see my mom all the time. My brother finally said to her "Don't you remember how AWFUL your relationship with your in-laws was? Why aren't you happy that she has a good relationship with them? That is a BLESSING." That put her in her place pretty quick.
My mom has jealousy towards my MIL big time. She had a great relationship with her MIL but issues with her own mom that she projects onto me. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I love my MIL and I'm not hiding it to prevent insecurity. You're 63! Be a grown up.
This is just me projecting, but I think buddy knows exactly why he stays away, and Mummy has been told but didn't "hear". I'm happy for guy, it sounds like he's got a good wife and been hugged into a new family.
Yyyyyyyyeah. Something tells me they try to undermine their parenting. Otherwise, they'd be allowed unsupervised time with their grandkids on a regular basis. No parent lives close by grandparents and never takes them up on babysitting UNLESS there's a very good reason they don't want their kids around them for an extended period of time.
Yeah I have a feeling that the Mom in this situation can’t help herself but correct or push her beliefs on his Wife and child. Also being in the military I’ve learned my time off is super valuable I’m not going to spend it with people who make me uncomfortable out of formality. I would way rather spend twice the amount of time with someone who just appreciates my company than someone I need to bite my tongue around or walk on eggshells.
And she wants them to come over to her... Instead of going to them during halloween. So that sounds like in my home I can do what I want and I can judge you in any way I want
The reason why they don’t see you is because you play childish games like ignoring your adult son’s calls because you’re already crying… it’s really manipulative and immature. Also unless you’re bedridden or need assistance while walking why can’t you and your husband drive down to see your grandkids especially if they live close…. WTH
This ☝️ It sounds like this mom was hoping that her home would still be the “center of gravity” for her adult kids. That’s understandable, a lot of people want to picture their home as a gathering spot for their family for generations to come. But that’s just it… this woman’s daughter-in-law has *her* own family now, with *her* own dreams of how future generations of her family will gather. And apparently, that dream doesn’t include making an appearance at her in-laws’ house for every single holiday - which it doesn’t for *most* people. It sounds like, fundamentally, this caller hasn’t considered this…
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THE SONS SIDE OF THE STORY. My husband and I were the same way with one side of our families, but it was because they were demanding with time. We had to work our family around their schedule and they never put effort into fitting our schedule. They would also be very passive aggressive if we didn’t go, so we told them we were done unless they could be more flexible and understanding that we have kids and we are our own family.
1000% -- I was listening to John tell this lady to have a sit-down conversation, but I don't think it requires that. This grandma was CRYING over not giving a goodie bag and coloring book to her granddaughter -- to the point she couldn't even take his call -- talk about guilt trip!! From the time my son was born, we were "required" to run him to every side of town so that every single family member could see him....on EVERY single holiday. We were tired -- no, we were exhausted (and so was our son!), yet all anyone cared about was their "time". At some point my husband and I even reminded all of our family members that when we were growing up, we spent time AT HOME on the holidays (not running the roads). These were not the memories we wanted our child to have. We started picking/choosing what made most sense, including celebrating holidays on different days or just staying home sometimes and allowing THEM ALL to come to us (if they wanted to). You are not entitled to run your children crazy, because you want to see your grandchildren. I have all expectations of making it EASY as possible for my son, if/when he ever has children of his own. ❤
The wife leads things. If the husband wants a happy wife and sex he isn’t going to cross his wife’s decisions. Ask me how I know. We have two sons who live the wife’s life. My husband explained facts to me. They aren’t strong enough to say my life counts as well. Or no sex
@cr2884 you must be toxic as eff to be holding your husband's balls everyday to get what you want. Your husband is a beta male. It's sad your leading the way
It might as well be my mother on the call. Some grandparents are not entitled to time with grandchildren based on what they did to their children when raising them.
Oh I’ve seen this before. The innocent victim mother in law who’s done nothing wrong. Wearing white to the son’s wedding, ignoring the wife at parties, or dishing backhanded compliments to the wife: maybe she’s refusing to give up her baby boy to “another woman”. … Yeah, she’s not fooling anyone. Your son doesn’t avoid you for no reason.
This woman has main character energy. Being so traumatized over Halloween? Next time go over there, say hi, then help with handing out treats while they take kid out. Be useful! Halloween is a lot for little kids - get them home, eat dinner and dressed up to go trick or treating. As a kid I wouldn’t have wanted to be taken over to grandma’s too. She should go over there and offer to help (make/bring dinner, give out treats.) My neighbours’ in- laws come over to do this. Be a person they want around! Then leave before it’s too late. Note: Halloween is not a national holiday.
I don’t know about “helping”. This woman sounds like the type that points out a few ants under the counter. I’d say to stop in for 10 minutes flat to take pictures and give some gifts. Then LEAVE.
Exactly! Don’t sit around your house moping because you expect them to make all the effort to come to you. With a small child on a very busy night that takes a lot of energy! Unless you are full on monster in-laws, they will appreciate you making the effort to come to them. Just don’t overstay your time there. Make friends with your DIL’s family and foster relationships with them! Offer date night babysitting, etc for your son. Try and be a blessing to their family, not just another obligation that needs to be checked off a busy holiday list. It seems that by the time a lot of people become grandparents, they forget how hard it is to pack up a young family and drive them all over the place. “Well I did it for my parents,” is not a good enough reason to expect them to bounce around on holidays, have to eat three meals in five hours, and risk, disappointing or insulting relatives at each location because they didn’t get the time they believe they are entitled to.
Every situation is different, maybe the father is in a wheel chair or she isn’t very mobile. Every situation is different and their are always rights and wrongs on both sides.
I am in a very similar situation. My wife and I spend time with my family much more than hers. They invite us all of the time and we never have a good time over there. The way we grew up was very different. I grew up with very supportive, affectionate parents and siblings. Her household on the other hand had a father who physically and verbally abused his wife and 2 daughters. Her mom is a shell of a person trapped in a loveless marriage. It is borderline slavery. They also did not do things that most families would call traditional. My heart still breaks when my family does such small things that we take for granted but have such an impact on my wife that she cries and says "I wish I grew up with this." Simple things like having a sit down dinner, talking, and saying "I love you". Can you beleive my wife has never heard the words "I'm proud of you" until my mother said it to her? Till this day, they do not think they do anything wrong and simply blame their culture.
I can believe this my parents now realize They don’t have a relationship with any of their kids But they have selective memory and they don’t realize our childhood was not the best I love my mother-in-law I’m able to act normal around her and I don’t feel insecure nd stressed raising my family now with my wonderful husband is very healing for me I will never my parents come around I just want to get away from them
@robzzzzzz1 I am very happy for you. You definitely sound like you have found peace and the life you deserve. Your husband and mother in law sound like wonderful people. :)
Why don’t you rescue that woman from that abusive marriage? Have her come and live with you. I could never have knowledge of that and not do something.
9:45 - “he tried to call, but I was already crying and being a massive toddler! So I didn’t pick up! 😡” I can already tell this woman is a complete narcissist, and yet she’s so dumbfounded by why her son and daughter in law don’t want to experience her “wonderful” company every holiday. Hmm I wonder why? 🙄
I can't see how someone who goes into hysterics over not seeing someone in a costume to the point of not taking phone calls would cause people to not engage with them. Sounds like a hoot.
@@kimberlyharris2774yes a pattern of an overbearing entitled grandmother throwing wobblys in order to control everyone in her family. Vecause she's jealous and insecure of her daughter in law and her family. Exactly why the son and DIL are pushing her away. Someone's expectations and feelings of entitlement aren't other people's responsibilities. She even said they do see her alot. Children get sick. They get tired. People get overstimulated. Circumstances can change in an instant ESPECIALLY with young children. People are allowed to say no, and change their minds. And if that sends someone into a hissy fit then that person is seriously unstable and needs to seek help.
As long as the kids send a photo of tne Halloween kids. That's what we did, each of my grandparents had 20 grandkids. So Mom dad took photos, and when we saw them on non holiday time we brought photos of our Halloween. Done everyone happy.
@@Elizabeth-dw6lc be a source of support and love to your daughter in laws not a source of stress and I can almost say with certainty you'll be just as included as her family. Alot of those mother in laws that are 'excluded' are horrible and nasty towards their daughter in laws through jealousy, fear and insecurities. Or they're not excluded it's just their perception because they feel less important to their sons once they've found a partner. Treat her with the same love you'd hope her mother treats your son and you'll be just fine. I'm sure you've raised/raising a fine young man who will choose a wonderful partner.
Just the fact she got so bent over "the holiday" and meant Halloween!!! I would've proposed a Part 2 costume day. Most little kids love putting in their costumes. Go over it THEIR house to see them, bring your goodie bag for her, gush over the costume cuteness and leave before they think you should. This just seems like so much made-up drama.
Narcissistic women like this thrive off conflict and drama, they need the attention to always be on them. They turn everything into a conflict or problem, when really it’s all in their delusional heads, but they just want the spotlight on them and their “poor hurt feelings😥”, over a delusion they made up in their own mind. Then she wonders why her son and daughter in law avoid spending time with her as much as possible lol.
In the first three minutes, I heard, "she...she....she....her" Mommy doesn't want to even come close to admitting she's part of the problem here! Whiny, victim-moms are never pleasant to be around!
Just the amount she said was enough to keep me away from her and her whiny dramatics. Too busy crying over a Halloween pop over to speak to her son. Drama.
These are the "missing missing reasons" parents who dismiss, deny, lie, and invalidate what their adult children are telling them. The caller even ADMITS to "being blind" about boundaries - how about, she actually IGNORES boundaries. I bet you this caller does so much manipulation that it's crazy making.
What we do and have done this since my oldest got married is I told them just give us 1 day during the holidays for us all to be together. Doesn’t matter what day during December or January. This year the only day we could get everybody together is Thursday evening Dec 7th. It has worked for us over the last 20 years.
Yes! My mom decided Palm Sunday was her Easter, hunt for eggs etc cousins gathered. Then it freed us for the in laws on Easter. My parents would date to brunch! We chose the weekend before Christmas too ! It sooo much fun. My parents went on vacation during Thanksgiving while we all did in laws. My mom didn’t to continue the stress she had as a young wife/mother hauling kids all over. God bless her, she’s passed but I’m doing the same w my adult children now!
I understand that she feels hurt. But it also looks like she is putting a lot of expectations on other people and is disappointed if they don't perform like she wants them to. Not taking the call because she felt to upset feels really childish. If she wants to have a good relationship with her son and his family she has to release the pressure
Or simply take how she feels in consideration 😮 and not taking a call when your upset is actually mature 🤣 you don’t need to be talking to anyone when you are in a emotional state that’s how things really turn upside down
She wants them to come to her. Since they live close, she could offer to babysit or drop off dinner. She could reach out instead of expecting everyone to come to her, like she is queen of the world. Be kind and respect their need to establish their own holiday traditions.
She sounds controlling and extremely manipulative. She's bawling her eyes out and refuses to take her son's call because she's too selfish to give her cold, tired grand baby some grace and comfort and simply say, "Okay sweetheart, I'll come to you in a few days when you're feeling better."? All because a grown woman NeEdeD to see "Mah GraNd-bAybeh in her costume". How selfish can a woman be? This is why they don't want to spend time with her. It's all about her and her wittle feewings. It's not about the *actual* toddler. It's about this woman who refuses to grow up and let her son cut the umbilical cord. We are called in marriage to Leave and Cleave. Not make sure we bend over backwards to protect the grandparents' little feelings. I think John could see right through her when he asked if it was her son's job growing up to manage her feelings. It 💯 percent was and she even hesitated to answer because she knew when she said no, she was lying through her teeth. Add to that the obvious judgemental attitude she has about the DIL's parents being divorced and she knew she offended the DIL with outspoken politics and you can see Exactly why the son and his family are avoiding her. If you want people to like you, BE LIKEABLE.
This mother in law makes me grateful my parents and in-laws don’t act this way. She’s playing the victim and sounds manipulative and controlling. Her expectations are being put on her son and daughter in law and she’s blaming her daughter in law completely, so I can guarantee the mom doesn’t like her.
She can't tell her son she's a big girl and can handle the truth because she's NOT a big girl. She was weeping over Halloween for Pete's sake. 🙄 Her behavior has communicated that she can't handle being grown up in situations. Also, you know the DIL feels this resentment put toward her. This woman did nothing but proclaim negativity towards the DIL. She also makes a TON of assumptions about her son's motives. You know every interaction is probably loaded with passive agressive guilt trips. No one wants to be around that b.s.
Yeah and the expectations that it’s their job to show up at their house. Just saying I have a MIL that was nasty and passive aggressive and made everything complicated and would never bend it had to be their way or no way. Well last few times I’ve seen her she hasn’t been that way and she gets pictures and we will make an effort when we can when we are invited because it wasn’t dreadful and I didn’t leave feeling angry and hurt.
My husband and I went to my parents for halloween this year. His parents went to his sisters to see all her kiddos. But toward the end of the night, my inlaws came over to my parents just to spend time with our kids. Make the effort lady.
She sounded judgemental towards the daughter in law about her family having some divorces. And, she even bothered to mention politics? Just be some happy grandparents and be welcoming which is not happening.
@@wordsalad01 Yes...she's the type that knows she's being difficult but keeps doing it anyway. Imagine the DIL's version. Also, her employer must love her calling into a show to complain about her family while she's on the clock. 😂
I didn't think she sounded judgmental about the divorces. I thought that she just felt disheartened that they're living out a situation in which the kids have so many family units to visit that it cuts into time that might've otherwise been theirs.
Halloween? Good grief, it's not a real holiday. It's a fun evening, but not a big deal. Truth is, her son and his wife dread going over to their house. They probably have to work themselves up to go visit when they do, and make excuses to leave early. This is sad and I don't know how it can change. Is the house dirty?...My ex mother in law had 12 dogs. The house stunk so bad. She had a tiny dining table. You had to eat on the couch in the living room. Is something like that going on?
As a mom with young kids and a lot of family, its really helpful (especially on halloween) when grandparents offer to come to you instead of expecting you to always go to them. It’s impossible to accommodate everyone and still get the kids to all the events they want to go to. Meet up where they’re trick or treating, stop by the parade, go to their house while they’re getting getting ready and offer to bring the pizza. My in laws always expect us to go to them and accommodate their schedules without any consideration for how much we have to balance and how little they understand/remember what it’s like. My children’s grandparents aren’t the type who show up to baseball games, or call to check on the kids, and yet they expect us to prioritize them. As much as we want to see everyone, it is actually impossible to do it all, especially when you have no support from family in getting it all done. My husband and I had grandparents that were heavily involved in the day to day, always around to babysit and help our parents. We don’t have, nor do we expect that same level of support. Yet our parents feel entitled to the same relationship that their children and parents had, without having to put in any of the same effort. I have a lot of friend’s experiencing this same thing with their parents, zero support but maximum expectation. And then behaving like victims over not being prioritized enough by their kids. This may not be the case in this situation, but if she’s genuinely looking to bond with her grandchildren I suggest she take a hard look at her own role in their life
This is my exact situation. I was told despite being married with a paid off house and a great job, that they were not babysitting, visiting or sacrificing for my kids. I wasn't going to do my mom like how she did her mom. My grandma was disabled and often times had anywhere from 10-40 grandkids with her at a given time. When Grandma passed away, her funeral procession was at least 2 miles long. Had to call a police escort to keep it in order. That woman did it all, helped my mother and her siblings while being everyone's favorite person. Even 20 years later. We still talk about that woman and all she sacrificed. My mother can't fathom that we loved her mother that way because she was around us. Her kitchen had a big pot of food ready. At all times. My kids haven't seen my mom for over a year and she lives 10 minutes away. I used to show up randomly with the "precious grandbabies" just to be shooed away 10 minutes later. If she ever babysat, she demanded a large combo from a fast food spot because she was done cooking. Now me and my kids just show up for who show up for us. Which is other parents without a village.
Martyr much? My daughter just married into a huge family. Since I'm single, I ASKED them if it would be easier for me to spend the holidays with his family. They are in a different part of the country. That way they don't have to split time. And sometime. I'll probably just do my own thing. They said that would be perfect. I'm going to spend Christmas with them for 2 day, then going to see friends in another state. I remember what it felt like to split holidays after my parents divorced. My mom never complained when I was with my dad. My dad constantly complained. So, I wanted to spend more time with mom. You can't force relationships. Plus, get a life. If you raised a creep, make friends and go skiing or to the Bahamas instead of sitting around crying.
I get it, but these are their kids and if they spend every moment trying to please her parents, his parents, etc. they will miss out on THEIR time with THEIR kids. Sometimes as a mom, I just want to experience the firsts with my own kids. And now, as the mom of an adult child, I have told him that when he gets married and has kids, we will work around what is best for them, not what's best for us because we've been on that end of things and it's exhausting.
My ex MIL is dealing with this. None of her adult grandchildren came to Thanksgiving. She's playing the sad sack to everyone. What she didn't tell her friends is I'm a manipulative POS. She told one of her granddaughters that she looked like a drag queen. Then swore it wasn't meant as an insult. She boycotted my daughter's wedding because my daughter set much needed (and overdue) boundaries with her. The list goes on. Then, she sent this long sad text to all of them on Thanksgiving. No one went for it. It started with "I don't know where we went wrong..." Then added that she might not be alive next year. Classic!
Sounds like there was a lot of stuff that has happened in the past that this caller is either leaving out or won’t be truthful to herself about that’s caused a separation between the son and his parents. He’s most likely protecting his wife and kids from his family and knows that having a very frank conversation with his parents will only lead to them being defensive and/or aggressive towards his family. If they see them all the time but get upset when they’re gone over the holidays it sounds like they can be fairly selfish with their time and attention.
Exactly! If they get to see them regularly then it's not like they're being kept from having ANY contact with their grandkids... It's just not how THEY want the holidays to go
A daughter is a daughter for all her life. A son is a son until he marries his wife. From a mom of 3 adult sons. All family problems will be solved in your own healthy marriage. In our family I host: Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and my family bdays. I invite all and dont change anything pending my guest list. Score keeping sucks.
When I was married to my late husband, we did the whole “taking turns” during holidays and I learned that there wasn’t pleasing anybody and we were unhappy. When I got remarried, we decided that we’d do what we wanted and started our own family traditions. My family all lives close and we see them often, my husband’s siblings live all over the country and when they come home to visit, we spend time with them regardless of “turns”. Now that we have kids of our own, quite often we stay home and send out invites.
Literally my mother in law is this lady. It’s only the expectation and pressure that put us off. We love her. When she cries cuz we can’t make it, it’s too much and we pull back.
Really appreciste Dr. John for telling it to her as it is: " are you kind of a lot?" Lol yah, i have no doubt. The guilt tripping and the emptional immaturity of this woman must be too agonizing to put up with for both her son and his wife.
She sounds like a "lot" to deal with. And it is ridiculous to be crying and refuse to talk over a child being too tired and cold to keep going on Halloween. This woman really needs to grow up. Since when was Halloween some big family holiday? People are ridiculous these days.
This sounds like an overbearing mother if you ask me. My mom was like this to the point where I couldn’t stay at her place longer than 2 days. Then she tried to manipulate you into feeling guilt for not wanting to stay longer. But for the last five years I lived with her she wanted me out of the house.
@@JustinCase780 haha, thats was so funny when I heard it. Like sweetie, Halloween is for the kiddos. They’re gonna walk the neighborhood not hangout at their grandparents house.
My mother: “i want to have a life and i can’t be stuck watching your daughter twice a week!” Me: “Ok no problem I’ll sign her up for daycare twice a week.” 2 weeks laterrrrr…. Mother: “Why don’t you ever let me watch my granddaughter? I miss her so much! You like your in laws more than me!” Me: 😮😮😮😮
This sounds like mother in law that thinks nobody is good enough for son. She puts the blame on the daughter in law. No self recognition at all. He tried calling her to let her know plans changed and didn’t want to hear.
Speaking as a daughter in law that’s been on the other side of this situation - I feel bad for the caller but I feel like there’s a lot that she’s probably leaving out of the call. With the little information that we were given, my assumption is that it is one of two issues with her son and daughter in law : 1. Things that the caller and her husband were either doing or saying made her son and his wife uncomfortable, and so her son has decided to distance himself from his parents to protect his family/ his own piece of mind. Or 2. There were issues in the family long before the daughter-in-law came in the picture (at least from the son’s point of view). And now that the son has a “new family” he has a way to escape spending time with his parents. Something he may have wanted to do for a long time… Either way, the root of the problem is more likely between the parents and the son. The caller is putting too much emphasis on/blame on the daughter in law
Exactly... your second scenario is exactly what happens all the time. That's what happened to me with my in-laws. It's one of the main reasons I always believe Meghan markle. The whole world is trying to blame her for issues that Harry is saying already existed before she came along. But just because he was splashed over the media for so long and he's Diana's son people want to believe that there could not have possibly been these kind of issues between him and his brother because every time they saw him he was smiling. But now he must have been brainwashed by this beautiful Vixen wife who convinced him that he hates his whole family
Or 3. The DIL feels obligated by her own family of origin to spend time with them and hasn’t drawn clear boundaries so they’re overextending themselves trying to please her family (there can be expectations on both sides and it can be tough to navigate especially if she’s living in closer proximity to the in-laws than her family of origin so she feels she needs to make up for time spent on the big days) or 4. The DIL doesn’t really feel loved and accepted by her in-laws. It’s tricky because there doesn’t seem to be enough info to go on. Personally, instead of assuming I’d done something wrong, I’d ask, “Is there something I, or we, have said or done to cause hurt? If so, I’d really like to make it right by asking your forgiveness. You can be honest with me even if I cry. (She could be in menopause. Those of us in menopause can cry at times and it’s hard to have a conversation when we get like that. I own up However, that’s when we own up to it and get vulnerable. ). My feelings aren’t your responsibility. I want for you and your family to feel safe sharing with us. We love all of you”. The in-law relationship can be tricky. I think it helps to demonstrate love to your DIL. Sometimes the kids who marry in don’t feel accepted. Send her flowers on her birthday and a sweet card. Invite her to lunch and shopping- just the two of you- while your husband and son watch the baby. It can be hard to put yourself out there but she may appreciate the effort and your son likely would too. If she turns you down, you tried and you can tell her that if she has availability some other time to let you know! When my daughter and her fiancé got serious, I bought a stocking with his name on it and hung it on the mantle with the rest of our family’s stockings. I wanted to make sure he felt included and loved. You may have already done this. Navigating in-law relationships can be so tricky! I’ve been on both sides. I don’t yet have grandchildren so I’m sure that adds a new layer. Hugs to you, Mama. You can do this. Maybe you can find a friend/mentor who has already navigated this season of life to help!
I'm a grandmother who gets a lot of time with my grandson due to proximity - I LOVE when he gets to see his other grandparents, even when it's big holidays like Thanksgiving & Christmas. I can make any day special and he should know all his family.
I don't find this that weird. I mean there absolutely could be a reason they are avoiding them, but it's also possible that family doesn't mean as much to him. They may be at her family's house more often because that matters to her. It may not matter as much to him. I know many sons like this. Or maybe I'm just around dysfunctional people.... Most adult daughters I know talk to their parents all the time. The parents don't hear from the sons even half the amount of time.
@@beebeelicious I've heard that! I'm genuinely curious what causes it. Because I do know some sons are not like this. So I wonder how much is personality, differences in the sexes, Western culture,.....I don't know.
You may be right. And I better say this because someone jumps on me, lol. I am not insulting Western culture, but we aren't perfect. And I'm also not insulting men. I'm not saying this behavior is right or wrong. I'm stating what I have observed, and I'm extremely interested in human behavior. :)
Definitely things to talk about before marriage. I think alternating between holidays would be cool or switching years or maybe not visit them at all & just travel lol keep it even, jk. Also id like a partner that would be okay with helping our parents if they needed it.
I set up “holidays” on an alternate day. We did Thanksgiving the Saturday before. We are doing Christmas on December 23rd so they are free to do as they wish on the actual dates. The fight is not worth it. I remember being pulled 20 different directions on the holidays and I refuse to do that to our kids.
And your kids are thankful and therefore want to see you more because you’re thoughtful. Plus, you get to see everyone all together which is what matters.
My husband is in this lady’s son’s position. My in laws get so hurt and passive aggressive when we make plans with my side of the family. We don’t live near either side, so making plans and splitting time evenly is very difficult, but we do our best. My husband’s dad took him out for lunch the last time they visited us and tried to have a conversation like Dr. Delony was suggesting, telling him they feel like we prioritize my family and trying to score-keep with time. My husband thankfully (very kindly) stopped him and said it wasn’t appropriate for them to compete with my family. And he told him that the reality is we actually spend more days with them than my family. It turned out they just had a false perception of how often we see them, because it wasn’t as much as they would like. I would bet that’s the case with this lady, especially since her daughter-in-law has a split family that they have to navigate. I highly doubt they actually spend less time with his family, it just feels like that because there’s so many houses and parties to split their time between. It’s not right for parents to make their kids feel guilty for not spending holidays, birthdays, etc with them. When your child gets married and has children of their own, the choices they make for themselves should be respected, and you should realize that you don’t see the whole picture of what they have to deal with. If you want to make sure there isn’t any bad blood that’s keeping them away then sure, ask them. But if they say no and that they’re just trying their best to spend time with everyone, then let it go and be thankful for the time you do get with them. Being in the position of the daughter-in-law myself, I know my in-laws hold it against me when we have to cancel plans or we see my family for a holiday and not them. Don’t do that to her. You don’t want to create that dynamic, trust me. Because that WILL end up pushing your kids away and make them want to avoid spending time with you.
I hear you but I always notice their is always an issue with the HUSBANDS family. Never the wife’s family. One day YOU will be the mother in law that is pushed aside simply because the wife’s family is deemed more important. I have a friend right now dealing with that after years of her family coming first and her husband family were persona non grata. Her daughter in law now gives the same responses she used to give. Now she understands.
@@LisaLisaCJ Yeah I notice it’s the husband’s family a lot of the time, too. Not totally sure why that is, but I do hear a lot of boy moms say things about feeling like their daughter-in-laws take their sons away from them, like they just seem to be super clingy with their sons in a weird way. Also, I think you misread my comment, because I said that we actually don’t prioritize my family. We actually see my husband’s family more days out of the year than mine. So my mother-in-law is not pushed aside, and my family is not deemed more important. And the issues we have with my husband’s family are seen by my husband, too. They aren’t just issues I have with them. He doesn’t like how his mom treats him like her child more than a grown, married man and father. And he especially doesn’t like how his mom and dad treat me. He makes decisions for our family that he thinks are best for us, and when they don’t match up with what my in-laws want, they end up holding it against me because they can’t believe that he would make a decision like that without my encouragement. Our life can’t revolve around them, and for some reason it’s always the husband’s mother who can’t wrap her head around it. It’s like the moment her son finds a wife, they decide it’s a competition between them and her.🤷🏼♀️ I’m learning to just continue to be kind to my in-laws while my husband deals with it.
Geez, this caller reminds me of my mother. The emotional manipulation. "he tried to call but I was already crying so I didn't pick up the phone to punish him". The immaturity, the controllingness, the unwillingness to recognize any fault of her own. I began to pull away from my family shortly after getting married. I started projecting out to the future, how she treats me, and how she would likely carry that forward once we started having kids. It freaked me out. I like what he said "have you ever given your son permission to hurt your feelings?" That, exactly. My mother has always, always passed the weight of her emotional state onto me and my sisters. We cannot let her down, disappoint her, or hurt her feelings, and know that she will be fine. She is going to make us feel it, make us pay for it. It's childish, and I just can't handle it anymore. I've also gotten angry, emotional texts about how much we seem to love his parents and how we're always going to their house and preferring them. That's not true, by the way. But I've just started to refuse to answer any emotionally charged texts or phone calls. The way things are going, my mother will probably never know "what she did". Even small things that I've tried to explain why they are inappropriate or manipulative, she just cannot or will not understand. She will not recognize her faults or the need for change. She says "this is just how I am."
I love when Dr. John says things that you can tell they were NOT expecting to hear, lol. She thinks that she is entitled to his family's time because it's her grandchild. They say you get wiser as you get older. No, not necessarily. I notice this with family members and issues with codependency. We get stuck in roles and don't grow. That's why separation is necessary to becoming an adult. I'm glad her son has set boundaries, but he does also need to just tell them outright the reasons why they don't like their company.
The best strategy for a MIL is be supportive and of service the DIL who is deep into active parenting and doesn’t need coaching from the cheap seats. Be a blessing to her.
It could mean that they live closer to his family so they see them in short bursts more often. And then for holidays, they chose to spend it with the family that lives further away. I’ve seen that dynamic before and the closer family still feels neglected. But frank and direct questions would help them understand IF they wanna hear and and understand
I’m in this situation. My in laws live 2 hours away so we see them once a month or every other month- and my parents live across the country so we only see them 1-2x per year. Generally around a holiday because that’s when we have the time to fly & travel that far (vacation time, time off work). My in laws haven’t said anything about it but shouldn’t honestly - wouldn’t you rather see your grandkids 12x a year and on no holidays, rather than just 1-2x a year and on holidays?
Resent and anger are painful. My heart breaks for families going through this. I have Thanksgiving and Xmas dinner a week or two earlier so we have a better chance of seeing and spending time with everyone rather than on the day of when everyone is hoping from place to place. Its been great! On the actual day of the holiday we spend a peacful, quiet day at home or go visit someone. The choice is ours.
It is so hard to constantly try to juggle everyone’s expectations while also trying to make memories with your own immediate family. It is one of the main reasons I hate holidays now as a new mom
I have 3sons and all three have been more involved in their in-laws lives. I chose a long time ago that I would not make it about me. I am proud that my sons are good to their wife’s parents. It is a reflection on how I raised them I know that they love me and this is just the way it is I chose right off the bat that I had Christmas Eve and we share time with all the other special occasions. I find joy in seeing their families grow and be healthy we also have a daughter and she is closer to us All my sons hunt and fish with their dad I grew up with divorced parents and always felt pulled and not free to be what I needed to be so I was determined to allow our relationship dictate I am here to support them in their choices the more I do that the freer they feel to come by in unplaned visits Most of the mother in laws are single and it makes me proud to see them give strength to them and care for them I do not work so I have offered to keep the children whenever I could
This is the thing, women (daughters in law) tend to be the gatekeepers of the relationship so they automatically will hang out with her family more. It's why "a son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life" is really true. I have no doubt the caller is overbearing (especially about Halloween?) but it isn't fair when the woman controls the family social life.
I have 3 children and i think about how things will be when they grow up and start their own families. I never want my children to feel guilty about spending time with their inlaws because that will also be their family. If we have to alternate holidays then that will be that. If we have to do Christmas a week before or the week after then that will be fine too. The perfect picture would be celebrating holidays as one big family but thats not always the case. I just want my kids to be happy.
Exactly. I know how hectic life with littles is right now, i want to accommodate my kids once they're in the thick of it. And i will, with all my free time, swing by their place regularly outside of holidays.
It could also mean she recognizes an additional pain her daughter-in-last has experienced and the fact that they are also trying to keep close with both her family and her step family. It's not always judging.... She's recognizing the need to understand the dynamics and that it's hard for them to be fully inclusive with all of them, while still feeling her own hurt of feeling left out.
Thank you for telling her straight out that behavior is a language. If they enjoy being with you they would come over. Very simple. Then she said she has boundaries issues. So she knows what the problem is. If she wants a relationship with them she needs to change.
I have a great suggestion. It’s won my mom who was a nurse and often worked on holidays. Have a Christmas party on another day. Your son will be relieved and likely appreciative do this with some holidays and let the rest go!
100% the reason he’s choosing them over his own mother is because his wife and his mother probably have beef. I have to live with my wife not my mother. My own mother has caused so much drama because of how she has acted towards my wife and because of her it’s caused a rift in my family. I choose to live drama free and the door is always open for my mother to apologize so we can move on from this. But she never does and never will, she doesn’t realize the hurtful things she has done and when I tried to express this to her she just redirects and thinks it’s not her fault. She also has very little to do with my son her only grandchild. I give her plenty of opportunities to see him and have communication with him but she does not even try. So the door is open but I’m not holding my breath. I feel that it’s probably a similar situation here.
As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you that trying to please everyone is very difficult when it comes to holidays and kids. And once mom said she was already crying, I understood exactly what's going on. Most people avoid conflict. Why would these two adults have any reason to want to get with you if they know there will be tears, shame, blame, or disappointment? Give them a reason for wanting to see you. Learn to live with the crumbs. Modern young parents have a lot going on. Offer to babysit the granddaughter, their house or yours, so the parents can have a night out. Ask if one Saturday you can have granddaughter over for a tea party, just you and her. If she's old enough, exchange regular post cards with her, even if they live in your town. You buy the postcards and put stamps on them so all mom and dad have to do is put them in the mail. Make every exchange pleasant, even if you're dying inside. If your son and wife stop dreading interactions, things may improve.
The thing is, the daughter law has divorced parents, which means she’s split three ways, and the son is also split three ways with her. You won’t see them at every holiday.
This is always so difficult. It's true what Delony said about something happening years ago- The day of my mom's funeral, I was standing by the hearse and my in-laws approached to tell me that they couldn't come to the reception after the funeral because they already delayed their trip by two days to see their grandkids. I was still in shock from the funeral but afterwards I thought about it and that entire interaction was odd and tasteless. They are also retired and not on any time restraints. It's been 13 years and I have never forgotten, and I have never brought it up.
They might not have time constraints, but their grandkids might have. I think you've created a narrative in your mind that they were expressing a burden. They might have just been telling you why they weren't attending the reception so you didn't feel snubbed by a no-show. You've let this poison you for more than a decade. Time to shed that toxicity.
I’m sorry but there’s a reason why the son chooses not to visit her. She can also go visit her son and see her grandchild. She’s not giving Dr. John the entire details.
Could be a million reasons here. I’m kind of in the same position. I know my wife’s family would like to see us more. But with 2 rambunctious, life loving toddlers, if we’re going somewhere, it’s always more attractive to go where there’s help with the kids. My family provides that. My wife’s doesn’t. Thats really the determining factor sometimes
It says A LOT about a grandmother who watches my she kids (she loves me) versus my biological mom who won’t even babysit my kid (never shown love) Some old women just don’t get how to love people. The granddaughter is not this lady’s prop!!!
I can't remember a time my mom wasn't offended by somebody. It's exhausting. And what happens when you tell her that? That's right, she gets offended. So you say "all is well mom, just busy, please don't be offended."
Once they have the conversation and resolves the issue, I would suggest that they no longer chase after the family. Occasionally offer to come by to visit and bring pizza, to take pressure off the mom. Be gracious and loving, as always. Send small gifts through the mail for the kids. Your grandchildren will learn to look forward to checking the mail and will always have fond memories of those times. Shift your energies toward each other. Maybe take a cruise over Xmas. Start letting them come to you or request your presence.
So many great comments! He said actions is a language. So...if she starts focusing on her daughter-in-law, her actions be her language...be supportive, positive, encouraging and accommodating. This will speak volumes to the daughter-in-law and it will improve the relationship!
We just went through this with my Dad and Stepmom. It had absolutely nothing to do with them. We want them around and around our kids but my husband's family are planners and my family is last minute. In addition, my in-laws come to us a lot while my dad was expecting us to go to them (which I don't mind but it's hard with 3 kids). So they would get hurt that we couldn't go to lunch on the weekend at the last minute because we might have plans with the other side but it's because they came to us and it was scheduled 2 weeks out. I can see how hearing "no we can't, we have plans with "the other side"" over and over feels like we're choosing.
She made it sound like they lived close by, and was mostly missing out on holiday time with them. If they live close by and get more time throughout the year then it would make sense that when they have time to travel around holidays they go see the other side of family. What's so special about Thanksgiving day if I had dinner with you twice this month already?
![[UNCUT] The Loyal Pin ปิ่นภักดิ์ EP.15 (2/4)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/qbHbshrA1f0/mqdefault.jpg)
I have a suggestion for her, drive to your son’s house to see your granddaughter in her Halloween costume. Young families have so much going on and are establishing their own traditions. Ask if you and your husband can come by for 15 minutes to see her then go home. Expectations will destroy your heart, look for the road to their house rather than them coming to you. Relationships are built on a thousand moments, not just the holidays. Been there and feel your heartache.
Yes! My in-laws got upset they’re kids with young families didn’t come to them all the time. You come to us! We had 4 little girls we were busy
This! Also please go home at a decent time - my sister has young children and is always angry when our parents stay over late it messes up the whole schedule and they also want them to come to their house but it's a 40 minute drive in total and a lot in traffic - it tires out the cranky kids and is not fun
Well said. Also, try spending more time with the grandkids during non-holiday times.
@@MattJess0421yes and traveling with a pack of little children is no simple task
This advice is full of WISDOM. Love it!
No offense ma'm, Halloween is not a "spend it with the extended family" holiday. It's a make the kids worn out hunting down houses to fill their candy bag day.
This
You are obviously not a grandparent.
@@stacyrich113 nope. Just the eldest of 7 children with over 100 first cousins and 30 aunts and uncles, all both sets of grandparents alive including great grandparents. Halloween was our favorite time of year and it has nothing to do with the holidays shared with extended family like thanksgiving and Christmas.
I mean, my parents and my in laws go trick or treating with us. But they come WITH us. They don't demand we go to them.
Yeah that was the one holiday that I never saw my grandparents. It really was a holiday just meant for the household. My Dad would take us trick or treating and my mom would pass out the candy. There was no time for grandparent visits.
Ugh the holidays are so annoying. Everyone wants you to drive 2 hours to visit them, then another 2 hours to visit someone else, then another 2 hours to visit the other relatives. None of which is fun, and none of which is enjoyable. Why can't we just stay at our own home and make our own holiday without everyone feeling annoyed, abandoned, and upset?
Stay home, deprive your kids of family traditions. Your extended family will cope without you. Our family did that with my sister who felt Christmas alone with her adopted kids was more fun than including her parents in a meal. So we did our normal stuff without them. Kids are adults now, and have no connections to their suits and uncles or cousins. Oh well.
There is nothing wrong with establishing your own traditions. I hope those traditions include invitations to include the extended family to visit you!
I agree completely. Sometime you have to just establish your own holiday traditions as an immediate family...especially if you have kids. Hauling the kids here, there, and everywhere...or just hauling yourself & spouse/sig other along icy roads to make it in time...just a hassle sometimes. I think it's hard for us parents to let go of our kids and the control we used to have of them as kids.
Dr. D has a knack for hearing the unspoken story. I just heard that they didn't come by for Halloween, and figured it was genuine busyness. He dug deeper and found the truth of the repeated behavior.
Right?! Everyone wants a visit after we’ve already travelled 3 hours, then act like jerks when we can’t stay long because everyone wants a visit all over the stupid valley. Carting kids around who are fussy, carsick and miserable. Not to mention the COST of coming to visit. They’ve gotten so annoying that it’s not worth it.
Weeping over a missed 10 minute visit on Halloween to the point you can't even talk to your son to hear why?
Boohoo! 😂 They ruined her Halloween!
Religion bigots judgmental controlling
People are prone to be hurt when actions like this continue. And that’s okay. She just needs to explain that hurt to her son and try to fix the situation. Hardly anyone handles issues the right way every time.
@@onebeyutiful She is "the situation"
@@onebeyutifulNo, she's being f'ing ridiculous. And guaranteed the son knows his mother is a drama queen.
I have a mother and a mother-in-law the exact same. The baby was cold, and most likely hungry and over-stimulated. But they're still supposed to bring her to the grandmother so she can be self-fulfilled. Its not about you! How about instead of pouting, ask if you can bring the gift to their house with some coffee for the parents? That way you're being helpful and you still get to see the granddaughter.
I was thinking the same. Also, it's okay to be disappointed. But the dramatics would make me avoid her like the plague. She isn't doing herself any favors.
My toddler was exhausted after 1 hour of trick or treating so I can't imagine taking him around to parade him to grandparents after that. It's like some people conveniently forget what toddlers are like and what they can tolerate
In-laws can be the most self-absorbed, selfish people, I swear.
Wow that's rude
Ya know. As a mom of several small children all I hear is “me me me, I don’t get time I’m entitled to” - lady the answer is to say to them “I know you have a lot going on tonight (Halloween) but I’d love to see the kiddos in their costume - can I swing by and see them? Also, can I grab anything for you? Need me to grab dinner?” I promise you will get a better response
Right
This lady doesn’t just mom…she MOMS! Good on you. I like this approach a lot as someone who has an entitled, clearly emotionally manipulative mother like the caller in this video. I would LOVE and be absolutely over the moon if this was the type of communication I received. Thank you for being you 😊
Yes 🙌
1st time grandparents have a lot to learn about expectations and boundaries!!! Yes they need to happen!
To me this sounds like the mother not letting go that her son is married and has his own family. Sounds like there are juggling many sides of the family and also have to have time for themselves. It may not be deeper than that.
Same problem for us in Mississippi. The daughter in law wants to be with her family on holidays and my son goes along to get along. It hurts because he won't speak up. When my husband and I were young with small children, we knocked ourselves out to make sure we spent equal time with both sets of parents. It's not necessarily this ladies fault.
@@lisacraft9929 right! It’s always the man’s family have to suck it all up, is problematic etc. It’s not. My brother had a wife where it was her family or else he was going to get cussed out, or knocked out. He divorced her and now he comes around way more, some women do not want their husbands family around just because
The biological mom of the dad should come before freaking step, step cousins or whatever.
I don't see why she can't go to their house to visit if they live in the same town. Why not meet up before they go trick or treating and see the kiddo then. It doesn't make sense to stop the fun of trick or treating in the middle just to see Grandma. It would probably make the kid upset to lose out on candy time. Seems to me she's creating problems whenever she could be the solution herself
@@LisaLisaCJ Sure, but statisticly speaking, paternal side of the family is usually more fucked up - creating drama for no reason, aggression, addictions, etc. While maternal side isn't perfect either, but they are way more pleasant to be around during holidays. Not sure how that statistic looks in U.S., but it sure is like that in Asia and Europe (with the difference that in Asia it's cultural to focus on paternal in-laws regardless, cause when you get married the wife joins husband's family).
Just throwing in the wife's family's divorce rate casually like that indicates that there is probably a lot of silent judgment coming from this woman. I do not blame the son.
Well its importand detail, they probably going to 4! houses not 2 because of all those divorces just on her side. And I dont blame the woman for beeing resentfull, Im sure this is not helping anyone but is valid.
Agreed. Could’ve said just a large extended family
@@ChristianRomero-z5s There's more political stuff when there's divorce
The son chose a trainwreck wife who has a trainwreck family. The wife is recreating her past. It won't last.
You can feel the resentment (which to her credit, she admitted) and judgement in her voice. She sounds angry. I wouldn't want to talk to someone with this tone either.
Notice how she said "my son and his wife" rather than "my son and my daughter-in-law."
This lady can't admit any wrong- that's the problem right there.
True, it could mean something, or it could also be just the faster way to say it (wife being faster than DIL, which is a mouthful).
My sister in law calls me and the kids her brothers wife and daughters and has nothing to do with us . With that being said he doesn’t have a relationship with his sisters ..
My mom used to get jealous of my relationship with my in-laws. Even though I see my mom all the time. My brother finally said to her "Don't you remember how AWFUL your relationship with your in-laws was? Why aren't you happy that she has a good relationship with them? That is a BLESSING." That put her in her place pretty quick.
My mom has jealousy towards my MIL big time. She had a great relationship with her MIL but issues with her own mom that she projects onto me. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I love my MIL and I'm not hiding it to prevent insecurity. You're 63! Be a grown up.
This is just me projecting, but I think buddy knows exactly why he stays away, and Mummy has been told but didn't "hear". I'm happy for guy, it sounds like he's got a good wife and been hugged into a new family.
“We don’t force our beliefs in their home”
She does it in her home.
Yyyyyyyyeah. Something tells me they try to undermine their parenting. Otherwise, they'd be allowed unsupervised time with their grandkids on a regular basis. No parent lives close by grandparents and never takes them up on babysitting UNLESS there's a very good reason they don't want their kids around them for an extended period of time.
Yeah I have a feeling that the Mom in this situation can’t help herself but correct or push her beliefs on his Wife and child. Also being in the military I’ve learned my time off is super valuable I’m not going to spend it with people who make me uncomfortable out of formality.
I would way rather spend twice the amount of time with someone who just appreciates my company than someone I need to bite my tongue around or walk on eggshells.
I caught that as well...
And she wants them to come over to her... Instead of going to them during halloween.
So that sounds like in my home I can do what I want and I can judge you in any way I want
Love this comments section, yall are all spot on.
The reason why they don’t see you is because you play childish games like ignoring your adult son’s calls because you’re already crying… it’s really manipulative and immature. Also unless you’re bedridden or need assistance while walking why can’t you and your husband drive down to see your grandkids especially if they live close…. WTH
This ☝️
It sounds like this mom was hoping that her home would still be the “center of gravity” for her adult kids.
That’s understandable, a lot of people want to picture their home as a gathering spot for their family for generations to come.
But that’s just it… this woman’s daughter-in-law has *her* own family now, with *her* own dreams of how future generations of her family will gather.
And apparently, that dream doesn’t include making an appearance at her in-laws’ house for every single holiday - which it doesn’t for *most* people.
It sounds like, fundamentally, this caller hasn’t considered this…
It must be so hard to only get 10 minutes or half an hour. Like never have a real meating. I get her pain. 😢❤❤
@@DidiLassen That's all she gets because that's all they can stand. 90 seconds in and I could tell she's an exhausting MIL.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THE SONS SIDE OF THE STORY. My husband and I were the same way with one side of our families, but it was because they were demanding with time. We had to work our family around their schedule and they never put effort into fitting our schedule. They would also be very passive aggressive if we didn’t go, so we told them we were done unless they could be more flexible and understanding that we have kids and we are our own family.
Annndd?? How did it go in the end??
You are missing the juiciest part of the story!!
1000% -- I was listening to John tell this lady to have a sit-down conversation, but I don't think it requires that. This grandma was CRYING over not giving a goodie bag and coloring book to her granddaughter -- to the point she couldn't even take his call -- talk about guilt trip!!
From the time my son was born, we were "required" to run him to every side of town so that every single family member could see him....on EVERY single holiday. We were tired -- no, we were exhausted (and so was our son!), yet all anyone cared about was their "time". At some point my husband and I even reminded all of our family members that when we were growing up, we spent time AT HOME on the holidays (not running the roads). These were not the memories we wanted our child to have. We started picking/choosing what made most sense, including celebrating holidays on different days or just staying home sometimes and allowing THEM ALL to come to us (if they wanted to).
You are not entitled to run your children crazy, because you want to see your grandchildren. I have all expectations of making it EASY as possible for my son, if/when he ever has children of his own. ❤
I agree dagmar, I think this is exactly the situation.
I haven’t watched yet, but 100% there is a reason he’s choosing the in-laws 😂
The wife leads things. If the husband wants a happy wife and sex he isn’t going to cross his wife’s decisions. Ask me how I know. We have two sons who live the wife’s life. My husband explained facts to me. They aren’t strong enough to say my life counts as well. Or no sex
@@cr2884 uh…what?
@cr2884 you must be toxic as eff to be holding your husband's balls everyday to get what you want. Your husband is a beta male. It's sad your leading the way
@cr2884 you suppressing your husband's lead is sad. He should be leading most the time.
@@SarahConnor562 It's "Groundhog Day" darn it...why isn't that witch with my sonny poo bringing my grandkids!!
Wouldn't it be awesome if the actual dil and son got on here in the comments and shared the "entire story".
It would actually will be awesome
That would be so awesome!!
It might as well be my mother on the call. Some grandparents are not entitled to time with grandchildren based on what they did to their children when raising them.
This!!!! Same!
Oh I’ve seen this before. The innocent victim mother in law who’s done nothing wrong. Wearing white to the son’s wedding, ignoring the wife at parties, or dishing backhanded compliments to the wife: maybe she’s refusing to give up her baby boy to “another woman”. … Yeah, she’s not fooling anyone. Your son doesn’t avoid you for no reason.
💯
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
You’re right
Everyone else is a side character in her story.
Yep.
This woman has main character energy. Being so traumatized over Halloween?
Next time go over there, say hi, then help with handing out treats while they take kid out. Be useful!
Halloween is a lot for little kids - get them home, eat dinner and dressed up to go trick or treating. As a kid I wouldn’t have wanted to be taken over to grandma’s too.
She should go over there and offer to help (make/bring dinner, give out treats.) My neighbours’ in- laws come over to do this. Be a person they want around! Then leave before it’s too late.
Note: Halloween is not a national holiday.
Absolutely as a kid I wouldn't want to be taken away from trick or treating.
'Main character energy' Love that. Very clever wording😊
I don’t know about “helping”. This woman sounds like the type that points out a few ants under the counter. I’d say to stop in for 10 minutes flat to take pictures and give some gifts. Then LEAVE.
Exactly! Don’t sit around your house moping because you expect them to make all the effort to come to you. With a small child on a very busy night that takes a lot of energy! Unless you are full on monster in-laws, they will appreciate you making the effort to come to them. Just don’t overstay your time there. Make friends with your DIL’s family and foster relationships with them! Offer date night babysitting, etc for your son. Try and be a blessing to their family, not just another obligation that needs to be checked off a busy holiday list. It seems that by the time a lot of people become grandparents, they forget how hard it is to pack up a young family and drive them all over the place. “Well I did it for my parents,” is not a good enough reason to expect them to bounce around on holidays, have to eat three meals in five hours, and risk, disappointing or insulting relatives at each location because they didn’t get the time they believe they are entitled to.
Every situation is different, maybe the father is in a wheel chair or she isn’t very mobile. Every situation is different and their are always rights and wrongs on both sides.
I am in a very similar situation. My wife and I spend time with my family much more than hers. They invite us all of the time and we never have a good time over there. The way we grew up was very different. I grew up with very supportive, affectionate parents and siblings. Her household on the other hand had a father who physically and verbally abused his wife and 2 daughters. Her mom is a shell of a person trapped in a loveless marriage. It is borderline slavery. They also did not do things that most families would call traditional. My heart still breaks when my family does such small things that we take for granted but have such an impact on my wife that she cries and says "I wish I grew up with this." Simple things like having a sit down dinner, talking, and saying "I love you". Can you beleive my wife has never heard the words "I'm proud of you" until my mother said it to her? Till this day, they do not think they do anything wrong and simply blame their culture.
I can believe this my parents now realize They don’t have a relationship with any of their kids But they have selective memory and they don’t realize our childhood was not the best
I love my mother-in-law I’m able to act normal around her and I don’t feel insecure nd stressed raising my family now with my wonderful husband is very healing for me I will never my parents come around I just want to get away from them
@robzzzzzz1 I am very happy for you. You definitely sound like you have found peace and the life you deserve. Your husband and mother in law sound like wonderful people. :)
Bring the fun, bring the love.
Is your wife’s family Asian? 😂
Why don’t you rescue that woman from that abusive marriage? Have her come and live with you. I could never have knowledge of that and not do something.
9:45 - “he tried to call, but I was already crying and being a massive toddler! So I didn’t pick up! 😡” I can already tell this woman is a complete narcissist, and yet she’s so dumbfounded by why her son and daughter in law don’t want to experience her “wonderful” company every holiday. Hmm I wonder why? 🙄
This
Narcissist will be the victim every time. This is why I struggle so hard with will I ever send my son to my mothers vacation house
This mom still wants to be the center of his world. The truth that she has to orbit theirs is more than she willing to accept at this point.
I can't see how someone who goes into hysterics over not seeing someone in a costume to the point of not taking phone calls would cause people to not engage with them. Sounds like a hoot.
It's a pattern not just halloween
@@kimberlyharris2774yes a pattern of an overbearing entitled grandmother throwing wobblys in order to control everyone in her family.
Vecause she's jealous and insecure of her daughter in law and her family.
Exactly why the son and DIL are pushing her away.
Someone's expectations and feelings of entitlement aren't other people's responsibilities.
She even said they do see her alot.
Children get sick.
They get tired.
People get overstimulated.
Circumstances can change in an instant ESPECIALLY with young children.
People are allowed to say no, and change their minds.
And if that sends someone into a hissy fit then that person is seriously unstable and needs to seek help.
As long as the kids send a photo of tne Halloween kids. That's what we did, each of my grandparents had 20 grandkids. So Mom dad took photos, and when we saw them on non holiday time we brought photos of our Halloween. Done everyone happy.
It has been my experience, with family and friends, that men are closer to the wife's family. I have a son and that scares me to death.
@@Elizabeth-dw6lc be a source of support and love to your daughter in laws not a source of stress and I can almost say with certainty you'll be just as included as her family.
Alot of those mother in laws that are 'excluded' are horrible and nasty towards their daughter in laws through jealousy, fear and insecurities.
Or they're not excluded it's just their perception because they feel less important to their sons once they've found a partner.
Treat her with the same love you'd hope her mother treats your son and you'll be just fine.
I'm sure you've raised/raising a fine young man who will choose a wonderful partner.
Just the fact she got so bent over "the holiday" and meant Halloween!!! I would've proposed a Part 2 costume day. Most little kids love putting in their costumes. Go over it THEIR house to see them, bring your goodie bag for her, gush over the costume cuteness and leave before they think you should. This just seems like so much made-up drama.
Yep.
Narcissistic women like this thrive off conflict and drama, they need the attention to always be on them. They turn everything into a conflict or problem, when really it’s all in their delusional heads, but they just want the spotlight on them and their “poor hurt feelings😥”, over a delusion they made up in their own mind. Then she wonders why her son and daughter in law avoid spending time with her as much as possible lol.
In the first three minutes, I heard, "she...she....she....her" Mommy doesn't want to even come close to admitting she's part of the problem here! Whiny, victim-moms are never pleasant to be around!
She probably lays such a guilt trip on son controlling manipulation its unpleasant to be around her
Uncontrolled tears to the point she refuses to talk over a stupid Halloween drop over? Yep.
Yes
I feel we are only hearing one side of the story. You don’t just leave family out unless it’s warranted.
Just the amount she said was enough to keep me away from her and her whiny dramatics. Too busy crying over a Halloween pop over to speak to her son. Drama.
These are the "missing missing reasons" parents who dismiss, deny, lie, and invalidate what their adult children are telling them. The caller even ADMITS to "being blind" about boundaries - how about, she actually IGNORES boundaries. I bet you this caller does so much manipulation that it's crazy making.
What we do and have done this since my oldest got married is I told them just give us 1 day during the holidays for us all to be together. Doesn’t matter what day during December or January. This year the only day we could get everybody together is Thursday evening Dec 7th. It has worked for us over the last 20 years.
That’s a great idea!
This is brilliant
Great idea!!
Whole-heartedly Agree! Just Don't understand All the pressure society puts on any ONE DAY. It defeats the very purpose it was meant to honor
Yes! My mom decided Palm Sunday was her Easter, hunt for eggs etc cousins gathered. Then it freed us for the in laws on Easter. My parents would date to brunch! We chose the weekend before Christmas too ! It sooo much fun. My parents went on vacation during Thanksgiving while we all did in laws. My mom didn’t to continue the stress she had as a young wife/mother hauling kids all over. God bless her, she’s passed but I’m doing the same w my adult children now!
Thank you John, for being honest with her....
I understand that she feels hurt. But it also looks like she is putting a lot of expectations on other people and is disappointed if they don't perform like she wants them to. Not taking the call because she felt to upset feels really childish. If she wants to have a good relationship with her son and his family she has to release the pressure
Exactly. E.g. at Halloween or Thanksgiving, she could have driven to them, so not to add extra driving and stress to their evening.
@@dudeorduuude5211yep
Or simply take how she feels in consideration 😮 and not taking a call when your upset is actually mature 🤣 you don’t need to be talking to anyone when you are in a emotional state that’s how things really turn upside down
Exactly, she is withdrawing when she’s uncomfortable aka punishing them for making her uncomfortable
She wants them to come to her. Since they live close, she could offer to babysit or drop off dinner. She could reach out instead of expecting everyone to come to her, like she is queen of the world. Be kind and respect their need to establish their own holiday traditions.
I just left a similar comment, but called her self-appointed Queen of the Universe, demanding court.
Yes, you usually have to go to them. Their lives are usually very busy with little ones.
She sounds controlling and extremely manipulative. She's bawling her eyes out and refuses to take her son's call because she's too selfish to give her cold, tired grand baby some grace and comfort and simply say, "Okay sweetheart, I'll come to you in a few days when you're feeling better."?
All because a grown woman NeEdeD to see "Mah GraNd-bAybeh in her costume". How selfish can a woman be?
This is why they don't want to spend time with her. It's all about her and her wittle feewings. It's not about the *actual* toddler. It's about this woman who refuses to grow up and let her son cut the umbilical cord.
We are called in marriage to Leave and Cleave. Not make sure we bend over backwards to protect the grandparents' little feelings. I think John could see right through her when he asked if it was her son's job growing up to manage her feelings. It 💯 percent was and she even hesitated to answer because she knew when she said no, she was lying through her teeth.
Add to that the obvious judgemental attitude she has about the DIL's parents being divorced and she knew she offended the DIL with outspoken politics and you can see Exactly why the son and his family are avoiding her.
If you want people to like you, BE LIKEABLE.
❤
Women have a lot of pent up anger
🙌 yes.
@@ABeautifulEarthForOurChildren I didn't until I read that.
Now I suddenly do.
Sounds like my mother…. 🙄. I still get the jabs often. It makes me not want to be around her.
This mother in law makes me grateful my parents and in-laws don’t act this way. She’s playing the victim and sounds manipulative and controlling. Her expectations are being put on her son and daughter in law and she’s blaming her daughter in law completely, so I can guarantee the mom doesn’t like her.
She can't tell her son she's a big girl and can handle the truth because she's NOT a big girl. She was weeping over Halloween for Pete's sake. 🙄 Her behavior has communicated that she can't handle being grown up in situations. Also, you know the DIL feels this resentment put toward her. This woman did nothing but proclaim negativity towards the DIL. She also makes a TON of assumptions about her son's motives. You know every interaction is probably loaded with passive agressive guilt trips. No one wants to be around that b.s.
Caller does indeed sound like the travel agent for guilt trips!
Yeah and the expectations that it’s their job to show up at their house. Just saying I have a MIL that was nasty and passive aggressive and made everything complicated and would never bend it had to be their way or no way. Well last few times I’ve seen her she hasn’t been that way and she gets pictures and we will make an effort when we can when we are invited because it wasn’t dreadful and I didn’t leave feeling angry and hurt.
My husband and I went to my parents for halloween this year. His parents went to his sisters to see all her kiddos. But toward the end of the night, my inlaws came over to my parents just to spend time with our kids. Make the effort lady.
She sounded judgemental towards the daughter in law about her family having some divorces. And, she even bothered to mention politics? Just be some happy grandparents and be welcoming which is not happening.
This!
@@wordsalad01 Yes...she's the type that knows she's being difficult but keeps doing it anyway. Imagine the DIL's version.
Also, her employer must love her calling into a show to complain about her family while she's on the clock. 😂
I didn't think she sounded judgmental about the divorces. I thought that she just felt disheartened that they're living out a situation in which the kids have so many family units to visit that it cuts into time that might've otherwise been theirs.
@@bcsikesThen she would’ve said it’s about their large family. But she didn’t. She made it about divorces.
I think she meant that there were a lot of people in her dil's family which meant time was even more limited on holidays.
Halloween? Good grief, it's not a real holiday. It's a fun evening, but not a big deal. Truth is, her son and his wife dread going over to their house. They probably have to work themselves up to go visit when they do, and make excuses to leave early. This is sad and I don't know how it can change. Is the house dirty?...My ex mother in law had 12 dogs. The house stunk so bad. She had a tiny dining table. You had to eat on the couch in the living room. Is something like that going on?
As a mom with young kids and a lot of family, its really helpful (especially on halloween) when grandparents offer to come to you instead of expecting you to always go to them. It’s impossible to accommodate everyone and still get the kids to all the events they want to go to. Meet up where they’re trick or treating, stop by the parade, go to their house while they’re getting getting ready and offer to bring the pizza. My in laws always expect us to go to them and accommodate their schedules without any consideration for how much we have to balance and how little they understand/remember what it’s like. My children’s grandparents aren’t the type who show up to baseball games, or call to check on the kids, and yet they expect us to prioritize them. As much as we want to see everyone, it is actually impossible to do it all, especially when you have no support from family in getting it all done. My husband and I had grandparents that were heavily involved in the day to day, always around to babysit and help our parents. We don’t have, nor do we expect that same level of support. Yet our parents feel entitled to the same relationship that their children and parents had, without having to put in any of the same effort. I have a lot of friend’s experiencing this same thing with their parents, zero support but maximum expectation. And then behaving like victims over not being prioritized enough by their kids. This may not be the case in this situation, but if she’s genuinely looking to bond with her grandchildren I suggest she take a hard look at her own role in their life
I was about to comment exactly this !
It honestly sounds like she just expects for their family to come to THEM.
@@aelh123 it does sound that way! She didn’t mention any effort on her part to go out of her way to go to them
This is my exact situation. I was told despite being married with a paid off house and a great job, that they were not babysitting, visiting or sacrificing for my kids. I wasn't going to do my mom like how she did her mom. My grandma was disabled and often times had anywhere from 10-40 grandkids with her at a given time. When Grandma passed away, her funeral procession was at least 2 miles long. Had to call a police escort to keep it in order. That woman did it all, helped my mother and her siblings while being everyone's favorite person. Even 20 years later. We still talk about that woman and all she sacrificed. My mother can't fathom that we loved her mother that way because she was around us. Her kitchen had a big pot of food ready. At all times. My kids haven't seen my mom for over a year and she lives 10 minutes away. I used to show up randomly with the "precious grandbabies" just to be shooed away 10 minutes later. If she ever babysat, she demanded a large combo from a fast food spot because she was done cooking. Now me and my kids just show up for who show up for us. Which is other parents without a village.
Yepppppll
It’s possible that everyone in your daughter in laws life is only getting 15 minutes. There’s so many people on her list
The more you push, the more they pull away.
Martyr much?
My daughter just married into a huge family. Since I'm single, I ASKED them if it would be easier for me to spend the holidays with his family. They are in a different part of the country. That way they don't have to split time. And sometime. I'll probably just do my own thing. They said that would be perfect. I'm going to spend Christmas with them for 2 day, then going to see friends in another state.
I remember what it felt like to split holidays after my parents divorced. My mom never complained when I was with my dad. My dad constantly complained. So, I wanted to spend more time with mom. You can't force relationships. Plus, get a life. If you raised a creep, make friends and go skiing or to the Bahamas instead of sitting around crying.
I get it, but these are their kids and if they spend every moment trying to please her parents, his parents, etc. they will miss out on THEIR time with THEIR kids. Sometimes as a mom, I just want to experience the firsts with my own kids. And now, as the mom of an adult child, I have told him that when he gets married and has kids, we will work around what is best for them, not what's best for us because we've been on that end of things and it's exhausting.
My ex MIL is dealing with this. None of her adult grandchildren came to Thanksgiving. She's playing the sad sack to everyone. What she didn't tell her friends is I'm a manipulative POS. She told one of her granddaughters that she looked like a drag queen. Then swore it wasn't meant as an insult. She boycotted my daughter's wedding because my daughter set much needed (and overdue) boundaries with her. The list goes on. Then, she sent this long sad text to all of them on Thanksgiving. No one went for it. It started with "I don't know where we went wrong..." Then added that she might not be alive next year. Classic!
OMG! I think we have the same ex-MIL !
I have a grandmother exactly like this. She's always the victim and never tells the full story to her church friends who all gossip with each other.
Lol this is my dad. Been saying "I won't live long" since he was 64 and guess what he turns 81 this yr. Behaviour never changed ofc.
Glad you are aware of her manipulation tactics. Hugs!
Sounds like there was a lot of stuff that has happened in the past that this caller is either leaving out or won’t be truthful to herself about that’s caused a separation between the son and his parents. He’s most likely protecting his wife and kids from his family and knows that having a very frank conversation with his parents will only lead to them being defensive and/or aggressive towards his family. If they see them all the time but get upset when they’re gone over the holidays it sounds like they can be fairly selfish with their time and attention.
This is what I think
Agreed!
Exactly! If they get to see them regularly then it's not like they're being kept from having ANY contact with their grandkids... It's just not how THEY want the holidays to go
Are these etranged parents who don't "understand" why their son and daughter-in-law are shutting them out. She sounds demanding and put out.
Definitely
A daughter is a daughter for all her life. A son is a son until he marries his wife.
From a mom of 3 adult sons.
All family problems will be solved in your own healthy marriage.
In our family I host: Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and my family bdays. I invite all and dont change anything pending my guest list.
Score keeping sucks.
Am so sorry 😢😢😢
If they have 3 events per holiday that sounds stressful
Yeah now he rather that do that than hang with his family lol says a lot
"Hey pick that up your mother's coming home" sent chills down my spine. Thanks John for helping me realize why I can't rest around my parents
When I was married to my late husband, we did the whole “taking turns” during holidays and I learned that there wasn’t pleasing anybody and we were unhappy.
When I got remarried, we decided that we’d do what we wanted and started our own family traditions. My family all lives close and we see them often, my husband’s siblings live all over the country and when they come home to visit, we spend time with them regardless of “turns”. Now that we have kids of our own, quite often we stay home and send out invites.
Smart
I have realized that a parent of adults need to be grateful for what they get.
She's manipulative ( not taking his call because shes in tears), bet she uses that strategy a lot and doesn't want to hear the truth.
Very manipulative tactic…many women use their emotions to get the reaction to control their sons sadly
Literally my mother in law is this lady. It’s only the expectation and pressure that put us off. We love her. When she cries cuz we can’t make it, it’s too much and we pull back.
Make your own joyful celebrations with folks who do love you.
Really appreciste Dr. John for telling it to her as it is: " are you kind of a lot?" Lol yah, i have no doubt. The guilt tripping and the emptional immaturity of this woman must be too agonizing to put up with for both her son and his wife.
The entitlement is outrageous.
She sounds like a "lot" to deal with. And it is ridiculous to be crying and refuse to talk over a child being too tired and cold to keep going on Halloween. This woman really needs to grow up. Since when was Halloween some big family holiday? People are ridiculous these days.
This sounds like an overbearing mother if you ask me. My mom was like this to the point where I couldn’t stay at her place longer than 2 days. Then she tried to manipulate you into feeling guilt for not wanting to stay longer. But for the last five years I lived with her she wanted me out of the house.
But the son and his wife ruined her Halloween!! 😢
@@JustinCase780 haha, thats was so funny when I heard it. Like sweetie, Halloween is for the kiddos. They’re gonna walk the neighborhood not hangout at their grandparents house.
My mother: “i want to have a life and i can’t be stuck watching your daughter twice a week!”
Me: “Ok no problem I’ll sign her up for daycare twice a week.”
2 weeks laterrrrr….
Mother: “Why don’t you ever let me watch my granddaughter? I miss her so much! You like your in laws more than me!”
Me: 😮😮😮😮
This sounds like mother in law that thinks nobody is good enough for son. She puts the blame on the daughter in law. No self recognition at all. He tried calling her to let her know plans changed and didn’t want to hear.
Speaking as a daughter in law that’s been on the other side of this situation - I feel bad for the caller but I feel like there’s a lot that she’s probably leaving out of the call. With the little information that we were given, my assumption is that it is one of two issues with her son and daughter in law : 1. Things that the caller and her husband were either doing or saying made her son and his wife uncomfortable, and so her son has decided to distance himself from his parents to protect his family/ his own piece of mind. Or 2. There were issues in the family long before the daughter-in-law came in the picture (at least from the son’s point of view). And now that the son has a “new family” he has a way to escape spending time with his parents. Something he may have wanted to do for a long time…
Either way, the root of the problem is more likely between the parents and the son. The caller is putting too much emphasis on/blame on the daughter in law
Exactly... your second scenario is exactly what happens all the time. That's what happened to me with my in-laws. It's one of the main reasons I always believe Meghan markle. The whole world is trying to blame her for issues that Harry is saying already existed before she came along. But just because he was splashed over the media for so long and he's Diana's son people want to believe that there could not have possibly been these kind of issues between him and his brother because every time they saw him he was smiling. But now he must have been brainwashed by this beautiful Vixen wife who convinced him that he hates his whole family
Or 3. The DIL feels obligated by her own family of origin to spend time with them and hasn’t drawn clear boundaries so they’re overextending themselves trying to please her family (there can be expectations on both sides and it can be tough to navigate especially if she’s living in closer proximity to the in-laws than her family of origin so she feels she needs to make up for time spent on the big days) or 4. The DIL doesn’t really feel loved and accepted by her in-laws.
It’s tricky because there doesn’t seem to be enough info to go on. Personally, instead of assuming I’d done something wrong, I’d ask, “Is there something I, or we, have said or done to cause hurt? If so, I’d really like to make it right by asking your forgiveness. You can be honest with me even if I cry. (She could be in menopause. Those of us in menopause can cry at times and it’s hard to have a conversation when we get like that. I own up However, that’s when we own up to it and get vulnerable. ). My feelings aren’t your responsibility. I want for you and your family to feel safe sharing with us. We love all of you”.
The in-law relationship can be tricky. I think it helps to demonstrate love to your DIL. Sometimes the kids who marry in don’t feel accepted. Send her flowers on her birthday and a sweet card. Invite her to lunch and shopping- just the two of you- while your husband and son watch the baby. It can be hard to put yourself out there but she may appreciate the effort and your son likely would too. If she turns you down, you tried and you can tell her that if she has availability some other time to let you know!
When my daughter and her fiancé got serious, I bought a stocking with his name on it and hung it on the mantle with the rest of our family’s stockings. I wanted to make sure he felt included and loved. You may have already done this. Navigating in-law relationships can be so tricky! I’ve been on both sides. I don’t yet have grandchildren so I’m sure that adds a new layer. Hugs to you, Mama. You can do this. Maybe you can find a friend/mentor who has already navigated this season of life to help!
This is why I avoided my ex mother in law 😂 so similar! And also why I have an ex husband lol
I can tell right off the bat he's not spending as much time with her because she's exhausting and judgemental
The minute she said, "I'd never ask him to choose," I knew that's exactly what she's done.
I'm a grandmother who gets a lot of time with my grandson due to proximity - I LOVE when he gets to see his other grandparents, even when it's big holidays like Thanksgiving & Christmas. I can make any day special and he should know all his family.
💗💗💗💗
I can’t imagine why her son doesn’t wanna be around
Lol
😂
I don't find this that weird. I mean there absolutely could be a reason they are avoiding them, but it's also possible that family doesn't mean as much to him. They may be at her family's house more often because that matters to her. It may not matter as much to him. I know many sons like this. Or maybe I'm just around dysfunctional people.... Most adult daughters I know talk to their parents all the time. The parents don't hear from the sons even half the amount of time.
Unfortunately true my Nan used to say you gain a daughter and lose a son.
@@beebeelicious I've heard that! I'm genuinely curious what causes it. Because I do know some sons are not like this. So I wonder how much is personality, differences in the sexes, Western culture,.....I don't know.
@@Jmc989 western culture (UK here) has a lot to answer for I think.
You may be right. And I better say this because someone jumps on me, lol. I am not insulting Western culture, but we aren't perfect. And I'm also not insulting men. I'm not saying this behavior is right or wrong. I'm stating what I have observed, and I'm extremely interested in human behavior. :)
Definitely things to talk about before marriage. I think alternating between holidays would be cool or switching years or maybe not visit them at all & just travel lol keep it even, jk. Also id like a partner that would be okay with helping our parents if they needed it.
My son and his wife…… that says everything.
I set up “holidays” on an alternate day. We did Thanksgiving the Saturday before. We are doing Christmas on December 23rd so they are free to do as they wish on the actual dates. The fight is not worth it. I remember being pulled 20 different directions on the holidays and I refuse to do that to our kids.
Best way to do it
And your kids are thankful and therefore want to see you more because you’re thoughtful. Plus, you get to see everyone all together which is what matters.
My husband is in this lady’s son’s position. My in laws get so hurt and passive aggressive when we make plans with my side of the family. We don’t live near either side, so making plans and splitting time evenly is very difficult, but we do our best. My husband’s dad took him out for lunch the last time they visited us and tried to have a conversation like Dr. Delony was suggesting, telling him they feel like we prioritize my family and trying to score-keep with time. My husband thankfully (very kindly) stopped him and said it wasn’t appropriate for them to compete with my family. And he told him that the reality is we actually spend more days with them than my family. It turned out they just had a false perception of how often we see them, because it wasn’t as much as they would like. I would bet that’s the case with this lady, especially since her daughter-in-law has a split family that they have to navigate. I highly doubt they actually spend less time with his family, it just feels like that because there’s so many houses and parties to split their time between. It’s not right for parents to make their kids feel guilty for not spending holidays, birthdays, etc with them. When your child gets married and has children of their own, the choices they make for themselves should be respected, and you should realize that you don’t see the whole picture of what they have to deal with. If you want to make sure there isn’t any bad blood that’s keeping them away then sure, ask them. But if they say no and that they’re just trying their best to spend time with everyone, then let it go and be thankful for the time you do get with them. Being in the position of the daughter-in-law myself, I know my in-laws hold it against me when we have to cancel plans or we see my family for a holiday and not them. Don’t do that to her. You don’t want to create that dynamic, trust me. Because that WILL end up pushing your kids away and make them want to avoid spending time with you.
I hear you but I always notice their is always an issue with the HUSBANDS family. Never the wife’s family. One day YOU will be the mother in law that is pushed aside simply because the wife’s family is deemed more important. I have a friend right now dealing with that after years of her family coming first and her husband family were persona non grata. Her daughter in law now gives the same responses she used to give. Now she understands.
@@LisaLisaCJ Yeah I notice it’s the husband’s family a lot of the time, too. Not totally sure why that is, but I do hear a lot of boy moms say things about feeling like their daughter-in-laws take their sons away from them, like they just seem to be super clingy with their sons in a weird way. Also, I think you misread my comment, because I said that we actually don’t prioritize my family. We actually see my husband’s family more days out of the year than mine. So my mother-in-law is not pushed aside, and my family is not deemed more important. And the issues we have with my husband’s family are seen by my husband, too. They aren’t just issues I have with them. He doesn’t like how his mom treats him like her child more than a grown, married man and father. And he especially doesn’t like how his mom and dad treat me. He makes decisions for our family that he thinks are best for us, and when they don’t match up with what my in-laws want, they end up holding it against me because they can’t believe that he would make a decision like that without my encouragement. Our life can’t revolve around them, and for some reason it’s always the husband’s mother who can’t wrap her head around it. It’s like the moment her son finds a wife, they decide it’s a competition between them and her.🤷🏼♀️ I’m learning to just continue to be kind to my in-laws while my husband deals with it.
Geez, this caller reminds me of my mother. The emotional manipulation. "he tried to call but I was already crying so I didn't pick up the phone to punish him". The immaturity, the controllingness, the unwillingness to recognize any fault of her own. I began to pull away from my family shortly after getting married. I started projecting out to the future, how she treats me, and how she would likely carry that forward once we started having kids. It freaked me out. I like what he said "have you ever given your son permission to hurt your feelings?" That, exactly. My mother has always, always passed the weight of her emotional state onto me and my sisters. We cannot let her down, disappoint her, or hurt her feelings, and know that she will be fine. She is going to make us feel it, make us pay for it. It's childish, and I just can't handle it anymore.
I've also gotten angry, emotional texts about how much we seem to love his parents and how we're always going to their house and preferring them. That's not true, by the way. But I've just started to refuse to answer any emotionally charged texts or phone calls.
The way things are going, my mother will probably never know "what she did". Even small things that I've tried to explain why they are inappropriate or manipulative, she just cannot or will not understand. She will not recognize her faults or the need for change. She says "this is just how I am."
He's doing the right thing by choosing his wife first!
Her expectations seems as though she needs to be served rather than to make sure SHE serves. She will ALWAYS be disappointed with the former.
That is a great way to put it. I had in-laws like this. I want I want I deserve I deserve you must you must …. It’s just so draining.
I love when Dr. John says things that you can tell they were NOT expecting to hear, lol. She thinks that she is entitled to his family's time because it's her grandchild. They say you get wiser as you get older. No, not necessarily. I notice this with family members and issues with codependency. We get stuck in roles and don't grow. That's why separation is necessary to becoming an adult. I'm glad her son has set boundaries, but he does also need to just tell them outright the reasons why they don't like their company.
The best strategy for a MIL is be supportive and of service the DIL who is deep into active parenting and doesn’t need coaching from the cheap seats. Be a blessing to her.
It could mean that they live closer to his family so they see them in short bursts more often. And then for holidays, they chose to spend it with the family that lives further away. I’ve seen that dynamic before and the closer family still feels neglected. But frank and direct questions would help them understand IF they wanna hear and and understand
I’m in this situation. My in laws live 2 hours away so we see them once a month or every other month- and my parents live across the country so we only see them 1-2x per year. Generally around a holiday because that’s when we have the time to fly & travel that far (vacation time, time off work). My in laws haven’t said anything about it but shouldn’t honestly - wouldn’t you rather see your grandkids 12x a year and on no holidays, rather than just 1-2x a year and on holidays?
Resent and anger are painful. My heart breaks for families going through this. I have Thanksgiving and Xmas dinner a week or two earlier so we have a better chance of seeing and spending time with everyone rather than on the day of when everyone is hoping from place to place. Its been great! On the actual day of the holiday we spend a peacful, quiet day at home or go visit someone. The choice is ours.
It is so hard to constantly try to juggle everyone’s expectations while also trying to make memories with your own immediate family. It is one of the main reasons I hate holidays now as a new mom
I have 3sons and all three have been more involved in their in-laws lives. I chose a long time ago that I would not make it about me. I am proud that my sons are good to their wife’s parents. It is a reflection on how I raised them I know that they love me and this is just the way it is I chose right off the bat that I had Christmas Eve and we share time with all the other special occasions. I find joy in seeing their families grow and be healthy we also have a daughter and she is closer to us All my sons hunt and fish with their dad I grew up with divorced parents and always felt pulled and not free to be what I needed to be so I was determined to allow our relationship dictate I am here to support them in their choices the more I do that the freer they feel to come by in unplaned visits Most of the mother in laws are single and it makes me proud to see them give strength to them and care for them I do not work so I have offered to keep the children whenever I could
This is the thing, women (daughters in law) tend to be the gatekeepers of the relationship so they automatically will hang out with her family more. It's why "a son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life" is really true. I have no doubt the caller is overbearing (especially about Halloween?) but it isn't fair when the woman controls the family social life.
I have 3 children and i think about how things will be when they grow up and start their own families. I never want my children to feel guilty about spending time with their inlaws because that will also be their family. If we have to alternate holidays then that will be that. If we have to do Christmas a week before or the week after then that will be fine too. The perfect picture would be celebrating holidays as one big family but thats not always the case. I just want my kids to be happy.
Exactly.
Exactly. I know how hectic life with littles is right now, i want to accommodate my kids once they're in the thick of it. And i will, with all my free time, swing by their place regularly outside of holidays.
I think it says it all that she is a grown up and “couldn’t take his call because she was crying her eyes out “ OMG I would run from her too
Why; one can't cry over a hurt!!! Remember it was just one more time the treatment was happening.
Good for him. Sounds like he was just looking for a reason to break free from his perfect parents 😊
Within 3 minutes she said “she has a broken up family” to describe daughter in law’s divorced parents.
Good catch. The daughter in law feels judged.
Right. Judgy ass in her glass house
Just so my mother
She is judgmental and manipulative, no wonder the son avoids them.
It could also mean she recognizes an additional pain her daughter-in-last has experienced and the fact that they are also trying to keep close with both her family and her step family. It's not always judging.... She's recognizing the need to understand the dynamics and that it's hard for them to be fully inclusive with all of them, while still feeling her own hurt of feeling left out.
Mama needs some self awareness
It’s Halloween FFS, and this lady is crying 😑.
Right? Clear indication to what life is like with this woman.
I notice absolutes in her speech. She started with that they "never" spend time at the holidays, and then it was they "always" make excuses.
Thank you for telling her straight out that behavior is a language. If they enjoy being with you they would come over. Very simple. Then she said she has boundaries issues. So she knows what the problem is. If she wants a relationship with them she needs to change.
The Halloween story is ridiculous.
I have a great suggestion. It’s won my mom who was a nurse and often worked on holidays. Have a Christmas party on another day. Your son will be relieved and likely appreciative do this with some holidays and let the rest go!
100% the reason he’s choosing them over his own mother is because his wife and his mother probably have beef. I have to live with my wife not my mother. My own mother has caused so much drama because of how she has acted towards my wife and because of her it’s caused a rift in my family. I choose to live drama free and the door is always open for my mother to apologize so we can move on from this. But she never does and never will, she doesn’t realize the hurtful things she has done and when I tried to express this to her she just redirects and thinks it’s not her fault. She also has very little to do with my son her only grandchild. I give her plenty of opportunities to see him and have communication with him but she does not even try. So the door is open but I’m not holding my breath. I feel that it’s probably a similar situation here.
As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you that trying to please everyone is very difficult when it comes to holidays and kids. And once mom said she was already crying, I understood exactly what's going on. Most people avoid conflict. Why would these two adults have any reason to want to get with you if they know there will be tears, shame, blame, or disappointment? Give them a reason for wanting to see you. Learn to live with the crumbs. Modern young parents have a lot going on. Offer to babysit the granddaughter, their house or yours, so the parents can have a night out. Ask if one Saturday you can have granddaughter over for a tea party, just you and her. If she's old enough, exchange regular post cards with her, even if they live in your town. You buy the postcards and put stamps on them so all mom and dad have to do is put them in the mail. Make every exchange pleasant, even if you're dying inside. If your son and wife stop dreading interactions, things may improve.
The thing is, the daughter law has divorced parents, which means she’s split three ways, and the son is also split three ways with her. You won’t see them at every holiday.
This is always so difficult. It's true what Delony said about something happening years ago- The day of my mom's funeral, I was standing by the hearse and my in-laws approached to tell me that they couldn't come to the reception after the funeral because they already delayed their trip by two days to see their grandkids. I was still in shock from the funeral but afterwards I thought about it and that entire interaction was odd and tasteless.
They are also retired and not on any time restraints. It's been 13 years and I have never forgotten, and I have never brought it up.
Except, it lies in your heart, doesn't it? Like your Mom's death caused a burden to them .... Geeesh, and then then they poke at it...
P. S. sorry that happened 😢
They might not have time constraints, but their grandkids might have. I think you've created a narrative in your mind that they were expressing a burden. They might have just been telling you why they weren't attending the reception so you didn't feel snubbed by a no-show. You've let this poison you for more than a decade. Time to shed that toxicity.
That is BEYOND insensitive.
OMG
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You can celebrate on another day. So they can be together and not feel pressured with all the places they are expected to go.
I’m sorry but there’s a reason why the son chooses not to visit her. She can also go visit her son and see her grandchild. She’s not giving Dr. John the entire details.
Could be a million reasons here. I’m kind of in the same position. I know my wife’s family would like to see us more. But with 2 rambunctious, life loving toddlers, if we’re going somewhere, it’s always more attractive to go where there’s help with the kids. My family provides that. My wife’s doesn’t. Thats really the determining factor sometimes
It says A LOT about a grandmother who watches my she kids (she loves me) versus my biological mom who won’t even babysit my kid (never shown love)
Some old women just don’t get how to love people. The granddaughter is not this lady’s prop!!!
I can't remember a time my mom wasn't offended by somebody. It's exhausting. And what happens when you tell her that? That's right, she gets offended. So you say "all is well mom, just busy, please don't be offended."
Once they have the conversation and resolves the issue, I would suggest that they no longer chase after the family. Occasionally offer to come by to visit and bring pizza, to take pressure off the mom. Be gracious and loving, as always. Send small gifts through the mail for the kids. Your grandchildren will learn to look forward to checking the mail and will always have fond memories of those times. Shift your energies toward each other. Maybe take a cruise over Xmas. Start letting them come to you or request your presence.
So many great comments!
He said actions is a language. So...if she starts focusing on her daughter-in-law, her actions be her language...be supportive, positive, encouraging and accommodating. This will speak volumes to the daughter-in-law and it will improve the relationship!
I can see why they don’t go see her very often😂 oof
We just went through this with my Dad and Stepmom. It had absolutely nothing to do with them. We want them around and around our kids but my husband's family are planners and my family is last minute. In addition, my in-laws come to us a lot while my dad was expecting us to go to them (which I don't mind but it's hard with 3 kids). So they would get hurt that we couldn't go to lunch on the weekend at the last minute because we might have plans with the other side but it's because they came to us and it was scheduled 2 weeks out. I can see how hearing "no we can't, we have plans with "the other side"" over and over feels like we're choosing.
She made it sound like they lived close by, and was mostly missing out on holiday time with them. If they live close by and get more time throughout the year then it would make sense that when they have time to travel around holidays they go see the other side of family. What's so special about Thanksgiving day if I had dinner with you twice this month already?
They have their own family. I wish people would respect that parents want their own traditions.