1. It's OK to permanently cut contact with biological relatives to protect your peace and mental well-being. It's NOT selfish. 2. Forgiveness doesn't equal Reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still cut all contact with them.
Dr.John, I was like you, “I couldn’t do that” when it comes cutting parents off. Then my mother in law happened Actually being in it and seeing what my wife has delt with her whole life. Now Im like if thats the best decision for you, leave them high and dry and ill be here to support.
Exactly. I'm betting he can say that because he hasn't had to deal with a mother who's been an addict for his entire life or one who was emotionally, physically and financially abusive for decades. Adult children don't typically cut their parents off for nothing. It is almost always after YEARS of boundary crossing, neglect, abuse, blame, parentification and more. And it is not easy -- there is still guilt on the part of the child!
Dr. John, I thought you really hit it out of the park talking to Z. I'm in a different place in life than him, younger with no kids, but I really relate to his feelings and experiences and what it's like to suffer with major depressive disorder and feel as if you can't go on and my depression started in very early childhood. I've also known what it's like to get better and stop taking medication and I spent a little over four years off it. Then the depression came back so I'm again on a low dose of meds and thankful for it as they saved me from making a terrible and permenant decision. I'm a lot better now but I still struggle despite also having an amazing counselor so your words on this call were extremely impactful. They were exactly what I needed to hear and more. The empathy and wisdom and honesty you put out into the world is so important and impactful. Thank you for doing what you do.
It's not quite that simplistic. If you find someone who is so against something that you can't help wondering where the fascination comes from, that's the kind of dislike you're looking for.
I'm literally crying. Z sounds like such a kind and gentle soul. I understand him too well, better than I want to admit. I hope he has wonderful friends who he can trust. He deserves to have people who can support and love him and help him to see how valuable and important he is. I hope he learns to really believe that. Please hang in there, Z. Please keep believing, keep hoping. Keep celebrating your little wins. The older I get the more I realize how fkn real that is, it really REALLY is about the little wins. You got this, Z, you got this!!!!!!!!!
I went no contact with my dad (step dad but my only dad) for about 8 years. After that it was low contact, but with very firm boundaries. You do what you have to do to have the greatest peace of mind. He's been dead five years this last September and I still sometimes get sad about the life we didn't get to have as me being an adult and him having grandkids. He was unmedicated bipolar. Such a sad waste.
Dr.John, is awesome. Thank you, for what you do. People call in sounding so heavy to sounding so light. You can feel the hope they needed before calling in.
Oh man, doc, I can't get over how well you did with Z. God bless you. Thank you for being honest and compassionate and for genuinely caring about your fellow human beings.
The thing I see is when the parent actually evolves/HEALS BACK/grows into a better person and wants the role and can handle the role and isn't the bad part of what happened THAT can turn into a good relationship, a really good one even, that the (/adult or older) child is blessed and happy to have. That's the key. In that case the kid can also have room to say what the need to say, too, cause it's an open doorway to another chance.
I love listening to this show. JD, I met you in the summer of 2021 when my mom and I went to see the recording of the Ramsey show. I wasn’t a listener at that point, but I quickly became a big fan of yours! I wish I could meet you again and tell you thank you this time!
Wow! Powerful show … thank you to ALL of the callers for their vulnerability. ❤ I relate in some way to all of them. You’re not alone … keep moving forward to a healthier you.
*I heard someone say, "The fact that you are still alive means that GOD STILL HAS A PLAN FOR YOU* ...*This message for anyone that feels like they cannot go on*.. * Life was not created for you to end it* * there is/are still reasons for you to be alive. *TRUST THAT*
@@marcicisketti4608 I watched a Devotional a couple of months ago. She included a message about people who have pulled away and not knowing how to come back. Then, she reiterated the story about the prodigal son. The father is just waiting for us to come home, to talk to him. No explanation, no apology, no begging forgiveness. He just misses us and wants us to come home. The first time I ever really understood that story. It's beautiful.
Good for you Stephanie! Al-Anon is such a positive, healthy, affirmative, arms-wide-open organization. So many good books are available for your situation, to help guide and walk you through this.
I need a clip of the segment that you are talking about marriage when dr john says you are not ready to get married and goes on the tangent. It is a great reminder. 👍
My experience is that a lot of religious people don't understand reconciliation. It doesn't mean letting them into your world to wreck you. People with dysfunction, addiction or other problems carry that with them everywhere they go and the overlap into your life can/will cause issues. Even God Himself upholds boundaries. Theyre a good thing. 👍🏻
That's why I've stopped listening to advice from people (religious or non) who don't have a flipping clue, and don't want to just sit with you. If they arent willing to listen without opening their mouth to tell you how to fix it without being asked, don't waste your time. Bc they won't sit with you when their brilliant plans crash and burn.
This. In terms of the brother saying, "what would Jesus do?" That made me shake my head because I don't even think that's the right question Christians should be asking themselves if they acknowledge that Jesus is God. I know that the whole idea is to be Christ-like, but that's just it... to be Christ *like* because you can't be Jesus. You can't do everything exactly as Jesus did and would do. I think maybe instead of asking "what would Jesus do" Christians could ask, "what would Jesus want me to do?" And I think he'd be all about lovingly setting those boundaries which is very much implied when he talks about a man cleaving from his mother and father to form a new family with his wife. That same message would apply to Stephanie as a wife. We can even take it over to St. Paul to the church in Ephesus with "honor thy father and mother,"- and I may be wrong- but honoring your mother probably does not consist of enabling her addiction and selfish behavior by acting like everything is hunky dory whenever she does decide to show up and make everyone miserable. The pastor brother might want to reflect a bit and make sure he's not using the Bible and religion to manipulate or even bully others into letting him get his way. Not saying that's what he's doing or that it's conscious if he is but just something to avoid. My heart aches for this young woman. It's going to hurt a lot when she has kids and likely won't have her mom around but something I have learned (which John touched on) is that there are some wonderful older men and women willing to play the role of a parental or family figure to adult children with estranged parents and I hope that Stephanie is able to form one of those relationships. They have really helped me. And I hope she allows herself to put up the necessary boundaries she needs to find some peace.
If you have to ask that question, the answer is, “No.” Stay away from the schizophrenics. My uncle is one, and he strangled my grandmother and attacked my father with an axe. You will have a lifetime of trauma with them.
That is not what schizophrenia is. Many schizophrenic are NOT AT ALL violent. I've known 4 and none of them were. Schizophrenia means sometimes they can not tell what's real from what is biochemistry going so off that sounds and sights and thoughts are otherworldly not real but come through as a real frequency. I have known 2 musicians one artist and one other, two were actually two of the kindest most thoughtful sensitive people I have ever met. I think sometimes it is almost a sensitive thing contributing to it actually. Like the input of the world destroyed them they are so in tune with it, their sensors went haywire. Violence in a person is a separate trait in both schizophrenics and other 'regular' people. Not knowing what is real is the cross-factor with the violent ones that makes it so tragic.
@@Tarasyoutube Yeah, well, I am not taking the chance and will hold anyone who I come to find out is schizophrenic at arms length. This includes family members and my own children should that ever come to pass. I have seen / heard too many horrific stories (IRL + here on YT) that involve schizophrenics and their victims. I feel bad for what they have to deal with, hope they find the correct treatment/meds for themselves, and wish them the best, sincerely. However, I am staying away in the most feasible way possible.
A guys voice cracking, AT ANY AGE, is absolutely a gorgeous sexy sound. I love it, so don't any of you guys ever be ashamed of it. I also love music and so sounds are extra special to me, but regardless, it is neat, it sort of suggests emotionally, and is way preferable than a fake or macho or whatever deep voice. Why? Authenticity like a flower in nature.
If you're suicidal one thing noone talks about is vitamin deficiencies. Try medium high doses of vitamin D,* plus sunlight, look into it, be aware that if your mood elevates and you miss a day or two it can go back down though. It works. Vitamin D was important for lung health during covid, and that's how I found out I needed a year or two of vitamin D supplements. Seasonal depression be damned try the vitamin you get from the sun, see if it impacts your body. Then look into other deficiencies. B, iron, magnesium, k. Please note** i eat very healthy, my diet is full of the superfoods. Be aware it isn't about your healthy diet, to have a deficiency it can be differences in healthy bodies.
My two friends, a couple, are very soft and wishing someone would get better, almost weak, but of course strong to deal with their addict son (once addict; keep reading, he is in real recovery :) ). I will tell you all the years of extending and letting him sleep in one od their cars so he wasnt homeless wjth his gf wtc i told her one day : they don't get better without firm boundaries: he doesnt get to drag your marraige and emotions through the mud like this!!! And ya know what? The next year they called the police on him and it straightened him right out. Because he thought to himself damn if these kind people need to call the police on me it must be bottom. Or maybe a miracle of words came from some kind policeman, or maybe someone in jail woke him up or jail itself somewhere he didn't see himself being when he was young.... DO THEM A FFAAVVOORR, let them know what is not right for you. Teach them to Grow.
Uhm ok... So this woman *wants* to marry a diagnosed skirzephrenic who does meth instead of meds... Why?!? Because she loves drama and instability? And "Abject abuse". Those are her comfort zones? Well, the likelihood this marriage will end because of those within 5 years if not 5 months seems very high. To me. Because I'm not. But this call makes me wonder if I should be.
Girl, don't do it. This is a legal entanglement. That is expensive to reverse or correct. If all his money goes to meth (and it will because that's the whole point of meth - to make the producers rich) then you won't be able to afford the divorce you'll need when his high hits you coming down. Deloney and crew have seen the next 10 yards of track, here. They know where the tunnel gets railroaded and it's generally not a good place for women. You have a choice now to jump onto the track in front of the engine hoping it will stop - for you - because you have super powers - or to back away slowly from the track or run hard away from harm instead of toward a future filled with it. Marriage is also a spiritual contract.. You have a spiritual responsibility to yourself to spare yourself the trouble this stuff leads to down the road in peace time, let alone the potential barrel of a WWIII metaphorical gun. You put yourself at risk when you mess with this or people on it. Why are you worth so little to yourself that this risk seems tempting to you? Seems reasonable or manageable? Solve for x before wedding anyone. Please. For your life to be it's best potential. Rather than see it's most painful.
Amen! Before my grandfather abused me, he was the one that would always tell my cousins and I to close our legs when we were sitting down (I was between the ages of 6-9). Interesting.
Isn't everyone self righteous about child molester? I know I am, especially cause I've had a number of close friends and a few exes who went through that crap and I saw first hand what it does to a person. It's a cause level of harm and damage most of us will hopefully never endure. Anyway, I'm 💯 sure I'm not a struggling pedophile.
Jessica....your fiancé has a lot of issues. Sorry. Please grow up for pete's sake and take care of yourself first. Don't stay or get involved with people with such extreme problems. Getting married is (often) overrated.
1. It's OK to permanently cut contact with biological relatives to protect your peace and mental well-being. It's NOT selfish.
2. Forgiveness doesn't equal Reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still cut all contact with them.
Dr.John, I was like you, “I couldn’t do that” when it comes cutting parents off. Then my mother in law happened Actually being in it and seeing what my wife has delt with her whole life. Now Im like if thats the best decision for you, leave them high and dry and ill be here to support.
Exactly. I'm betting he can say that because he hasn't had to deal with a mother who's been an addict for his entire life or one who was emotionally, physically and financially abusive for decades. Adult children don't typically cut their parents off for nothing. It is almost always after YEARS of boundary crossing, neglect, abuse, blame, parentification and more. And it is not easy -- there is still guilt on the part of the child!
@@theshunnedBandersnatch yep! And Dr. D himself says chose guilt over resentment 🙌🏾
Is there a button I'm missing in order to make a comment other than under others comments? 👀
@@2cents996go to the top of the comments 😊
3.5 years no contact 🎉
Dr. John, I thought you really hit it out of the park talking to Z. I'm in a different place in life than him, younger with no kids, but I really relate to his feelings and experiences and what it's like to suffer with major depressive disorder and feel as if you can't go on and my depression started in very early childhood. I've also known what it's like to get better and stop taking medication and I spent a little over four years off it.
Then the depression came back so I'm again on a low dose of meds and thankful for it as they saved me from making a terrible and permenant decision. I'm a lot better now but I still struggle despite also having an amazing counselor so your words on this call were extremely impactful. They were exactly what I needed to hear and more.
The empathy and wisdom and honesty you put out into the world is so important and impactful. Thank you for doing what you do.
"If you want to find out someone's struggling with find what they're self righteous about"
Awesome !
John is insightful but this perspective isn’t particularly profound.
Enh. I hate drugs and I don't use any drugs. I don't buy this simplistic argument
It's not quite that simplistic. If you find someone who is so against something that you can't help wondering where the fascination comes from, that's the kind of dislike you're looking for.
@@Tarasyoutube That doesn’t mean you are self-righteous about drugs.
I'm literally crying. Z sounds like such a kind and gentle soul. I understand him too well, better than I want to admit. I hope he has wonderful friends who he can trust. He deserves to have people who can support and love him and help him to see how valuable and important he is. I hope he learns to really believe that. Please hang in there, Z. Please keep believing, keep hoping. Keep celebrating your little wins. The older I get the more I realize how fkn real that is, it really REALLY is about the little wins. You got this, Z, you got this!!!!!!!!!
I went no contact with my dad (step dad but my only dad) for about 8 years. After that it was low contact, but with very firm boundaries. You do what you have to do to have the greatest peace of mind.
He's been dead five years this last September and I still sometimes get sad about the life we didn't get to have as me being an adult and him having grandkids.
He was unmedicated bipolar. Such a sad waste.
If someone tells me "don't do it" but you're going to do it even though you know it's a train wreck waiting to happen?!? Please get MORE counseling!
Dr John … I can’t imagine what you go through internally giving so much of yourself to those that need your voice … peace be with you
Dr.John, is awesome. Thank you, for what you do. People call in sounding so heavy to sounding so light. You can feel the hope they needed before calling in.
Oh man, doc, I can't get over how well you did with Z. God bless you. Thank you for being honest and compassionate and for genuinely caring about your fellow human beings.
The thing I see is when the parent actually evolves/HEALS BACK/grows into a better person and wants the role and can handle the role and isn't the bad part of what happened THAT can turn into a good relationship, a really good one even, that the (/adult or older) child is blessed and happy to have. That's the key. In that case the kid can also have room to say what the need to say, too, cause it's an open doorway to another chance.
I love listening to this show. JD, I met you in the summer of 2021 when my mom and I went to see the recording of the Ramsey show. I wasn’t a listener at that point, but I quickly became a big fan of yours! I wish I could meet you again and tell you thank you this time!
Wow! Powerful show … thank you to ALL of the callers for their vulnerability. ❤ I relate in some way to all of them. You’re not alone … keep moving forward to a healthier you.
You can hear the sigh of relief when someone hears the words..."me too, you're not alone".
*I heard someone say, "The fact that you are still alive means that GOD STILL HAS A PLAN FOR YOU* ...*This message for anyone that feels like they cannot go on*.. * Life was not created for you to end it* * there is/are still reasons for you to be alive. *TRUST THAT*
@@marcicisketti4608 I watched a Devotional a couple of months ago. She included a message about people who have pulled away and not knowing how to come back.
Then, she reiterated the story about the prodigal son. The father is just waiting for us to come home, to talk to him. No explanation, no apology, no begging forgiveness. He just misses us and wants us to come home.
The first time I ever really understood that story. It's beautiful.
My dad is the person I can't and won't deal with. No contact suits me. He is negative and a controller. I am 60, I don't want or need his nonsense!
I love John's empathy ...could feel it a lot with Stephanie .
Good for you Stephanie! Al-Anon is such a positive, healthy, affirmative, arms-wide-open organization. So many good books are available for your situation, to help guide and walk you through this.
I need a clip of the segment that you are talking about marriage when dr john says you are not ready to get married and goes on the tangent. It is a great reminder. 👍
My experience is that a lot of religious people don't understand reconciliation. It doesn't mean letting them into your world to wreck you.
People with dysfunction, addiction or other problems carry that with them everywhere they go and the overlap into your life can/will cause issues.
Even God Himself upholds boundaries. Theyre a good thing. 👍🏻
Exactly...u can forgive.but u dont put em back in ur life .....cut these toxic ppl out
That's why I've stopped listening to advice from people (religious or non) who don't have a flipping clue, and don't want to just sit with you. If they arent willing to listen without opening their mouth to tell you how to fix it without being asked, don't waste your time. Bc they won't sit with you when their brilliant plans crash and burn.
This. In terms of the brother saying, "what would Jesus do?" That made me shake my head because I don't even think that's the right question Christians should be asking themselves if they acknowledge that Jesus is God. I know that the whole idea is to be Christ-like, but that's just it... to be Christ *like* because you can't be Jesus. You can't do everything exactly as Jesus did and would do.
I think maybe instead of asking "what would Jesus do" Christians could ask, "what would Jesus want me to do?" And I think he'd be all about lovingly setting those boundaries which is very much implied when he talks about a man cleaving from his mother and father to form a new family with his wife. That same message would apply to Stephanie as a wife.
We can even take it over to St. Paul to the church in Ephesus with "honor thy father and mother,"- and I may be wrong- but honoring your mother probably does not consist of enabling her addiction and selfish behavior by acting like everything is hunky dory whenever she does decide to show up and make everyone miserable. The pastor brother might want to reflect a bit and make sure he's not using the Bible and religion to manipulate or even bully others into letting him get his way. Not saying that's what he's doing or that it's conscious if he is but just something to avoid.
My heart aches for this young woman. It's going to hurt a lot when she has kids and likely won't have her mom around but something I have learned (which John touched on) is that there are some wonderful older men and women willing to play the role of a parental or family figure to adult children with estranged parents and I hope that Stephanie is able to form one of those relationships. They have really helped me. And I hope she allows herself to put up the necessary boundaries she needs to find some peace.
When I got sober I could have a relationship w my parents and I cut it off 4 years ago...ny life's never been better
I had and have the exact same problems as the second caller but with no alcoholism. Dr John's advices really helps.
Great advice! You can do family, invite Mom, expect she won't come and have fun with who is there.
I’m only a few minutes in and I am not a doctor. I’m just a real estate broker. But no, you should not get married. Run!!!
This was my favorite show!!! Dr John, you gave Z so much 🙏💞
If you have to ask that question, the answer is, “No.” Stay away from the schizophrenics. My uncle is one, and he strangled my grandmother and attacked my father with an axe. You will have a lifetime of trauma with them.
All kinds of trouble there, for sure.
That is not what schizophrenia is. Many schizophrenic are NOT AT ALL violent. I've known 4 and none of them were. Schizophrenia means sometimes they can not tell what's real from what is biochemistry going so off that sounds and sights and thoughts are otherworldly not real but come through as a real frequency. I have known 2 musicians one artist and one other, two were actually two of the kindest most thoughtful sensitive people I have ever met. I think sometimes it is almost a sensitive thing contributing to it actually. Like the input of the world destroyed them they are so in tune with it, their sensors went haywire.
Violence in a person is a separate trait in both schizophrenics and other 'regular' people.
Not knowing what is real is the cross-factor with the violent ones that makes it so tragic.
@@Tarasyoutube Yeah, well, I am not taking the chance and will hold anyone who I come to find out is schizophrenic at arms length. This includes family members and my own children should that ever come to pass. I have seen / heard too many horrific stories (IRL + here on YT) that involve schizophrenics and their victims. I feel bad for what they have to deal with, hope they find the correct treatment/meds for themselves, and wish them the best, sincerely. However, I am staying away in the most feasible way possible.
I absolutely love what you said here about marriage.
Can we please get a excerpt of the interview with the depressed father?
Psilocybin treatment is working for PTSD Veterans suffering from severe major Depression & Anxiety
Dr. John should have his parents on his show.
Jessica is not ready to get married. And it’s okay to have boundaries with people who hurt you are are addicts.
That was Beautiful
A guys voice cracking, AT ANY AGE, is absolutely a gorgeous sexy sound. I love it, so don't any of you guys ever be ashamed of it. I also love music and so sounds are extra special to me, but regardless, it is neat, it sort of suggests emotionally, and is way preferable than a fake or macho or whatever deep voice. Why? Authenticity like a flower in nature.
Great episode!
Mutual commitment to sobriety, not just: "yeah!!". 😅
If you're suicidal one thing noone talks about is vitamin deficiencies. Try medium high doses of vitamin D,* plus sunlight, look into it, be aware that if your mood elevates and you miss a day or two it can go back down though. It works. Vitamin D was important for lung health during covid, and that's how I found out I needed a year or two of vitamin D supplements. Seasonal depression be damned try the vitamin you get from the sun, see if it impacts your body. Then look into other deficiencies. B, iron, magnesium, k. Please note** i eat very healthy, my diet is full of the superfoods. Be aware it isn't about your healthy diet, to have a deficiency it can be differences in healthy bodies.
The Pee Wee Herman Alamo basement reference. 😅😂
My two friends, a couple, are very soft and wishing someone would get better, almost weak, but of course strong to deal with their addict son (once addict; keep reading, he is in real recovery :) ). I will tell you all the years of extending and letting him sleep in one od their cars so he wasnt homeless wjth his gf wtc i told her one day : they don't get better without firm boundaries: he doesnt get to drag your marraige and emotions through the mud like this!!! And ya know what? The next year they called the police on him and it straightened him right out. Because he thought to himself damn if these kind people need to call the police on me it must be bottom. Or maybe a miracle of words came from some kind policeman, or maybe someone in jail woke him up or jail itself somewhere he didn't see himself being when he was young.... DO THEM A FFAAVVOORR, let them know what is not right for you. Teach them to Grow.
Dr. John, you familiar with Molly? "Very much so ;)"
Lol he’s worked in colleges for years I imagine he’s worked with all drugs, especially party drugs.
@@flashthecorgi2053 oh that too, I was thinking about his father. Who was a homicide detective for years
I caught that too lol
Uhm ok... So this woman *wants* to marry a diagnosed skirzephrenic who does meth instead of meds... Why?!? Because she loves drama and instability? And "Abject abuse". Those are her comfort zones? Well, the likelihood this marriage will end because of those within 5 years if not 5 months seems very high. To me. Because I'm not.
But this call makes me wonder if I should be.
Girl, don't do it.
This is a legal entanglement. That is expensive to reverse or correct.
If all his money goes to meth (and it will because that's the whole point of meth - to make the producers rich) then you won't be able to afford the divorce you'll need when his high hits you coming down.
Deloney and crew have seen the next 10 yards of track, here. They know where the tunnel gets railroaded and it's generally not a good place for women.
You have a choice now to jump onto the track in front of the engine hoping it will stop - for you - because you have super powers - or to back away slowly from the track or run hard away from harm instead of toward a future filled with it.
Marriage is also a spiritual contract..
You have a spiritual responsibility to yourself to spare yourself the trouble this stuff leads to down the road in peace time, let alone the potential barrel of a WWIII metaphorical gun.
You put yourself at risk when you mess with this or people on it.
Why are you worth so little to yourself that this risk seems tempting to you? Seems reasonable or manageable?
Solve for x before wedding anyone. Please.
For your life to be it's best potential. Rather than see it's most painful.
My dad was always self-righteous about child molesters…. Hmmm it all makes sense now😂
Amen! Before my grandfather abused me, he was the one that would always tell my cousins and I to close our legs when we were sitting down (I was between the ages of 6-9). Interesting.
Isn't everyone self righteous about child molester? I know I am, especially cause I've had a number of close friends and a few exes who went through that crap and I saw first hand what it does to a person. It's a cause level of harm and damage most of us will hopefully never endure. Anyway, I'm 💯 sure I'm not a struggling pedophile.
It gives me haemorrhoids every time I ask for it 😂😂😂
6:08 being in recovery ...this is a textbook user...lies lies
RUN R U N RUN
1st caller: Don't marry a method addict, your looking for trouble and it seems like that's what you want, why call the show?
Jessica....your fiancé has a lot of issues. Sorry. Please grow up for pete's sake and take care of yourself first. Don't stay or get involved with people with such extreme problems. Getting married is (often) overrated.
Should i marry him. No.