7 Traps of Parent-Child Relationships
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.พ. 2023
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What does it mean to be a 'good parent'? Everyone has an opinion on it...but is it accurate or are they derived from unconscious patterns from your upbringing or society? Whether you are a parent of young, teen or adults or are simply looking to understand and process your childhood experience better, it is important to learn the 7 lies we can commonly get consumed in. These traps can limit our own potential and that of our children's. Join us with parent-child relationship expert, Dr. Shefali, to learn what these negative patterns are and how they have the potential to make or break a healthy parent-child relationship. - บันเทิง
As far as “bad” or “good” children. I’m a teacher, and I have had children in my class that at 5 years old will scream, flip desks, chairs, punch other kids, curse at the teacher. How do you deal with a child like this? Usually the parents of these kids are the ones who don’t believe in punishment or saying “no” to their child.
I wish she'd covered something about not humiliating/embarrassing your child. I saw so many parents with, "Tell them WhY you cannot go out to play." And the child would answer something like, "I got a bad grade on my paper." "I hit my sister."... This is really not any of my or my child's business. This is a family issue and is being handled in the family. There is no reason to add humiliation to the punishment. I tried so hard never to reprimand my children in front of others. They were given a warning (set up ahead of time). And my children always knew we'd discuss things in private. I gave them PerMiSSioN not to have to share everything. As they grew, they had respect for others and felt no pressure to "kiss and tell". They were able to establish boundries.
I find that parents who humiliate or embarrass their children also embarrass themselves as parents. As people will start to see it after awhile as the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, how can such 'good' parent(s) raise such a 'bad' child?
PARENTS PARENTING THEMSELVES SOUNDS PERFECTLY REASONABLE...LIKE LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF ,GET CLEAN ,& SOBER FIRST AND WORK A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
It is like the parent who brags about the child's accomplishment. They don't give the child the respect or acknowledgement for what the CHILD did. Instead they act as if THEY did it. The child's hard work somehow becomes THEIRS. They want the glow of the accomplishment to shine on themselves. But THEY didn't earn that.. a phrase I take from another situation, but fits is "stolen valor" I don't brag about my children to others. First it isn't their business, and second...I didn't earn it THEY did. I Do talk to my children about what THEY did to earn it and put the pride of what they did on them. That is what I acknowledge. THEY worked hard, THEY make the sacrifices, THEY earned it. NOT ME. Frankly, I think THE most important thing is to be a kind, responsible for your actions, loving person FIRST...because with out that nothing else you do matters. Being great is not about money or status..any arse hole can accomplish THINGS.
I'm so glad to know that the one thing I did do absolutely right was the very last step allowing my children to have their own voice I always allowed my children to sit at the table as a human being not at the small table to be seen and not heard but to be heard and I was told my kids they have a voice do not let anybody run over you you are perfect and who you are
I mean you don't even know who I am and you probably don't care but I'm proud of you! I'm inspired by you I admire you and I'm so grateful you. My own family's origin was kind of more toxic than I realized and I was a bit old before I finally was forced to face the abyss and I was amazed to see that there was more to it than just me me me because I was raised with that in mind-damaged deficient disappointing... After my father died if you came clear pretty quickly how he had been protecting us even into adulthood from even worse damage emotionally and otherwise. Many years I worked as a dual diagnosis therapist in a series of State hospitals where I live. One of my four brothers spent so much of his life between 18 and 43 recyclerd in his recidivism in our great state prison system. It was very difficult for him to navigate regular life
My mom, not quite so much, but with my dad, SO MUCH. I still don't have his approval, which feels like conditional love. Their questions say it ALL. I still find myself evading and even, at times, lying, to avoid judgment.
I feel beyond grateful for watching this video. Although I'm not a parent yet, I grew up having Parents that were very conservative, emotionally immature and unavailable in some areas, over strict and over controlling. I can go for at least an hour talking about this issue. Main areas that impacted me was that my mom stayed in an unhealthy marriage until I was about 15 when she finally had the courage to divorce my dad, my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive and put me down a lot, both did more for my brother than me. They wanted control over everything I did including choosing my studies in college. I was home schooled until I was about 10 and had to beg my parents for real School because I felt like I missed out on so much. My mom was not skilled in that so it caused me to fall behind on academics and end up in Special Education classes growing up which made no sense because I knew I was better than that, and more hurt that my brother did not go through any of that. My mom ended up passing away from cancer when I was 16, then about 8 years later, I lost my brother from some form of cancer, I ended up not having contact with my dad because he never cared about his actions until about 4 months prior to his passing in 2018. I'm almost 40 now, but it has taken me years to process so much unresolved trauma and unlearning so many wrong behaviors because of what they did. I did a lot to turn my life around including finishing college and leaving toxic relationships. If they were around now, they would likely not support the career field which is being a social worker inside a prison, they would have reacted with "I told you to teach music and you went behind my back." I hope parents out there will be open to learning the best possible skills no matter where they are in life.
That’s sad what happened to your mom, dad and brother, I have a dad who is similar. I hope you find your happiness in this life and find someone who treats you better than your family did. Love and peace Morgan ❤️
@@MrPaCorcoran Much appreciated, I pray anyone who's been in a similar situation whether worse or not will have the courage to reach out for the right help and know that you can heal no matter how hard the journey will be at times
@@morganrobertson3721 definitely Morgan we all need some help none of us can do it on our own especially growing up with parents that don’t see us the way we want to be seen. Take it day by day dear and try to be as positive as much as possible ❤️
The doctor is talking about narcissistic and codependent traits in parents who are adult children themselves
like majority of adults are like that, they dont deserve to breed
I got so bombarded negatively on IG for agreeing with these same sentiments. I still get hate responses. It's incredibly difficult.
I'm 49 and my mother is still controlling, possessive, wants to be enmeshed in my life 😡
She messed me up real good. Wish she had a talk to with Dr Shefali
I'm still trying to heal from growing up with this woman!
This was so cathartic and validating. This puts words to so many things I've felt but couldn't figure out how to describe. It perfectly encapsulates both the good and bad parts of my childhood, parent dynamics, and my reasons why I'm doing specific things differently with mine.
I agree that there is no "bad Child". But there are children that are children that are not safe. They need more supervision because they are dangerous. There is an assumption that the child is nuero-typical. But these are good tips.
I would call a dangerous child a bad child.
are you saying neurodiverse children are dangerous?
@@chelseastrmserver2813 I'm simply saying that you cant say that all children are one way or will react in the same manner. some neurodiverse are very dangerous some are sweet as can be. Thank you for helping my point be more clear.
Thanks for covering this
A good parent always focus on their child
So helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for recognizing teachers here.
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). The Number One Most Important Thing Wee Wiil Ever Do For hOUR Children is to Dive Into hOUR Own Emotional Pain Integrate hOUR Own Un-integrate Inner Child and Parent that Child in a Moor Loving Way if Wee do Not Wee Wiil Pass Those Wounds On To hOUR Children
Well she is so on target best advice I've heard in years
It's a fantastic episode 👌
Best regards from Poland 😘
I'm so excited! fan-girling that dr shefali is talking to kyle on medcircle!
TE AMO
This is a very interesting video. What saddens me are the arguments in the comments.
Wish it had come 22 years ago … what a game life has played ? Got stuck in guilt and pain
I am a clinical psychologist and therapist, former teacher, and a parent of 2 children and 3 step children, having been working with children for 30+ years.
Here’s my recommendation to any parent: read this book ONLY if you are having issues with your own ego - she’s right on the point here.
DO NOT READ this book if you are looking for any specific “how-to”!!! She is absolutely confusing, contradicting, and misleading on “parental control “. You WILL go crazy, if you follow her OPINIONS!!!!
Here’s why: she is very cute and cool talking about reduction of parental control over children, letting the child explore, being him/herself, children deserving respect by birth, and all of that psychobabble that’s been pushed since Dr. Spock. Look where this nonsense has brought us so far: children telling parents what they want and will do! Parents are encouraged to serve their children, instead of guiding them.
GUIDING your child is the parental responsibility! And it means controlling him/her.
There is no other way around it.
I am not talking about authoritarian style; I’m talking about logic: it is the parents who set up the boundaries for the children, not the other way around. And the boundaries control how far the child can go.
It doesn’t take a book to explain it.
She admits it on the 33 minute of this presentation 🤷🏼♂️ “brushing teeth”, “bed time”, …. It is the parent who CONTROLS these boundaries and applies consequences if the boundaries are violated.
The US has more ADHD children than any other country in the world. Why? I see in my practice why: parents let their children run the family, interrupting adults at any given moment, refusing to comply. When these children enter the structured environment of a school, they face the reality: you have to wait, you have to comply, you have to follow the rules without challenging them! Period!
And that’s when we slap ADHD diagnosis on these kiddos who can’t handle the structure.
We give them medication.🤷🏼♂️ we treat them as sick!😡
The result of these “child-flower” psychobabble - the “offended culture “ that we live in these days: everyone NEEDS to be heard, and nobody wants to listen!
LISTEN before you talk - is what a parent has to tell to any child: therefore - control the child’s impulsive egocentric behavior.
I hope you don’t have a valid licence as a clinical psychologist and therapist. For someone in the psychology field to denounce ADHD as a medical condition is alarming.
@@chelseastrmserver2813 Dear Chelsea, don’t give way to emotions, if you insist on cerebral communication.
My license is valid.
My opinions don’t have to agree with yours.
So, let’s be rational.
My comments are for the folks who are trying to find help.
People outside of Mental Health put too much value into it.
ANY diagnosis in mental health is just an opinion, NOT a fact.
Should you wish to continue this conversation, I would like to ask about your background, so I can adjust my communication accordingly.
Respectfully, how much do you know about DSM and the history of it?
Respectfully, don’t put emotions into my words where there are none. You make far too many assumptions about individuals you know nothing about. I’ve never asked anyone to adjust their way of communicating with me and I’m not about to start now. Is it not true that a clinical psychologist’s conclusions and recommendations must not be biased by the psychologist’s preconceptions, prejudices, unsupported beliefs, or criteria which are not represented within the body of scientific knowledge generally recognized within the practice of psychology?
@@chelseastrmserver2813 did you get this from internet?
Or from your clinical psychology class?
Or maybe from your clinical psychologist career?
ANY diagnosis is a PERSONAL opinion of the diagnosing clinician about the scope of problems communicated by the client. Which simply amounts to: if your child’s behavior fits into a certain framework, here’s your child’s diagnosis.🤷🏼♂️
Oh, and by the way: here’s the dirty truth of the diagnosis in mental health: if the insurance doesn’t pay for specific diary, we just slap a different one, so we can bill for our services.
Bet you never heard about it.
Well, it is true.
@@chelseastrmserver2813 Your emotions were showing very clearly when you attacked my license rather than providing facts in support of your opinion.
In logic - this is called @straw man” fallacy: dirty trick used when you can’t say anything reasonable.
In theory this is a clear example of redirecting the conversation from rational to emotional.
Sorry, but you have to (at least sometimes) acknowledge your behavior.
The ancient cultures (not all though) had very thight conections and usualy lived with or had very closed conections and communication with their parents and grandparents. They were the solid base of old traditional knowledge and values that were passed from one generation to another. Those were healthy ppl on each level. They knew their priorities which is the family! Then, at some point the 'modern' values have been brought on humanity through pop culture (music, movies, TV) and education, institutions, food, doctors, and so on and on. The children and humanity today is only a consequence today of that masterly prepared and implemented plan. Until we recognize what is the problem we wont fix it, and we will only be dealing with the concequences! I have positive attitude about Dr. Shafalii but again she can be healing and helping parents, but I'am afraid that the problem is much much bigger and it needs an army of human, moral persons that will change the course of humanity that is going into its destruction.
im so tired of my parents trying to control me, and i feel so powerless. and everytime i explain to them that it's not supposed to be like this, they would be angry. i dont even know what to do, they wouldn't listen. i brought up "psychologist says.." and they denies it. im so freakin tired. so what am i supposed to do? there are better knowledge and they won't listen. i thought science suppose to be beneficial, im confused why they wont accept it.
I think what you’re describing to a degree is parents teaching a child civilization. Are we supposed to let them go with their instincts with no sense of structure or solid values? Behaviors?Allowing them to be who they are and accepting their inherent strengths, weaknesses, talents, opinions… of course… but in tandem with teaching them all that we need to teach them about civilized coexistence. Isn’t that the delicate balance? We all know about the laissez-faire parents who let their children “run the show,” without structure, rules, direction… and what that child looks like, how they approach social settings and school, etc…walking (or colliding head first) into life. To fail to take the reins entirely?…it is a contradiction of the order of things, of the responsibility of teaching our children while still respecting their autonomy, but their DIRECTED autonomy. Hands-off parenting? Otherwise we are told that it is only about our own egos? Sorry I don’t buy it.
My husband and I fight a lot about how to raise my 15-year-old son from a previous marriage. I would love some guidance on how to raise a teenage boy into manhood. HELP!!!! Thank you.
No, you absolutely don’t have to make it fun telling your child to clean the room.
This is another psychobabble trap: unless it is fun, the child doesn’t have to do the chore. It leads to such pathetic mentality - having fun all the time, expecting to be happy all the time. We have generations of adults now who can’t handle any frustration just because they don’t have fun.
Work is not fun, but it has to be done.
And you NEVER repeat your directive more than once: you TELL (not ask) first time, you repeat one more time (just in case the child forgot). Done. End of discussion.
A parent’s role IS to set boundaries and keep the children within those.
And the funny thing is - this lady actually admits it by the end of this presentation.
So, what new stuff has she written about? Nothing, in my professional opinion.
I think the main reason professionals say to “make it fun” is because learning through play is 10x more faster than learning through less fun and engaging ways.
@@chelseastrmserver2813 I, as a professional, totally disagree with this misconception.
There is absolutely no scientific evidence to support it. Or, shall I say - in the past 20 years (at least) I have failed to find any research supporting this pop psychology.
In fact, there is research, plenty empirical evidence, and universal acceptance of the opposite: we learn better from our mistakes, from trial and ERROR.
We celebrate our successes, but they are short-lived, in comparison with the long-term effects of mistakes.
Once we know that we failed, we naturally want to avoid the same failure in future.
Simply put - have you ever met a person who WANTS to repeat his/her mistake?
With learning speech for example, when taught words through play, toddlers learn the word as fast as within 10 times of the word being used to describe an object. However if words are just used to describe random objects outside of a play setting, it can take up to 30 times of the word being associated to a specific object to learn.
@@chelseastrmserver2813 with rote learning - everything is faster.
Children learn language naturally not through fun, but through immersion.
Hope you aren’t going to deny this fact. 🤣
What you are talking about is actually - immersion in the vocabulary, not the presence of the fun.
@@andreirodin2061 I don’t need to deny anything, my own child is living proof you are wrong. he is 6 years old and immersed in language use all around him and yet still doesn’t speak a word. He is capable of speech and has used a few words on occasion but has since regressed.
Parenting has failed at the point consent is given for injections that consistently fail to perform as described for pathogens that have been contrived through false methods into perceived existence
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Jiddu Krishnamurti
Judging parents who feel/have no choice but to do what they think is right
How could anyone judge humans who has been attacked for millennia with toxins, psychological manipulation and financial enticement if they aren't thinking they are going to be on a chair, when it seems the music may have stopped already.
Sounds like Elkhart tolle is the grandfather of all these personal development stuffs nowadays
I'm so glad to know that the one thing I did do absolutely right was the very last step allowing my children to have their own voice I always allowed my children to sit at the table as a human being not at the small table to be seen and not heard but to be heard and I was told my kids they have a voice do not let anybody run over you you are perfect and who you are