Stephen Colbert's Dil-Do's & Dil-Don'ts
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- Looking for ways to reduce your sexual carbon footprint? Stephen's newest segment is here to help, with a close look at how the sex toy industry is starting to offer more eco-friendly products. #Colbert #ClimateChange #SexToys
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Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount+, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
2:21 Condoms in landfill are not as bad for the environment as millions of extra people being born.
Exactly!!!
Safe access to abortions is crucial.
Meanwhile, Elon Musk has a ton of kids who'll all each have carbon footprints greater than 100 full families in developing nations.
Aquisitiveness is more hazardous to the environment than the population size alone.
Plus.... of all the environmental problems to focus on, we're choosing.... CONDOMS? They're spit in the bucket compared to wasteful corporations, the fast fashion industry, and the ugly knick-knack industry.
Uuhh... isn't "vegan leather" just plastic?
Sheep - "You're gonna do what with my intestines?"
Also Sheep: "I should have stayed in Alabama, at least I'd still be alive afterward '
The real danger is that your woman/man/non-binary person will look at you in your eco-friendly casing, and think “Mmm... grill it, and drag it through the garden. 🌭 “
@@u.synlig Man is that is an awful scenario....
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I mean, there's a REASON that one sheep in Clifford the Big Red Dog (2021) is SO mean.
Don't use cornstarch. Yeast feed on starches.
😑so, no dry clean only when dating... Got it!
Judging by Stephen’s face, you can tell the writers had fun with this one and Stephen did not see some of these beforehand! It gave me SNL-Stephon vibes… 😂🤣
Funny you say that, as I was just watching clips of Bill Hader breaking character before coming to watch this.
@@luuketaylor Classic! 😂
You had me smiling before I started watching!! 🤣 I love when it happens- such great writing team!
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Ikr 😂🤣
It's not about the size of your carbon footprint, it's what you do with it...
I think I love you 🥰🤣💦
Love the bloom county Opus
The cornstarch lube line should be 'want some yeast infection'?
Cornstarch? What a mess! I’m not coming to that party!
And if you mix it with the wrong proportions you end up with a non-newtonian compound that gets more solid the faster it moves...
@@Voldine2 🤣☠ I think the elementary aged kids call that recipe quicksand
Coconut oil for the win.
@Niamh De Na Crainn Arda Those are sound rules. And you made me look up what sploshing is (thanks, I hate it) but what really bothers me is that I'm pretty sure I already knew what pony play is and am now questioning every piece of unwanted knowledge I have somehow absorbed from the internet...
Please don’t use corn starch for lube. Coconut oil is popular
The veggie tales clip was hilarious
Right? Was not expecting that.
For real! Stephen Colbert owes me a new laptop, mine has coffee all over it!
Sadly, my carbon footprint in this area has been negative net for a bit
You can tell the writers are like: okay what can we get past the censors today? XD
FCC: “As long as it’s vegan friendly we good”
Craig Ferguson did that all the time on his late night show. Those were good times.
The censors like everything else must be in short supply
@@hawkeye5955 his censor sounds were legendary! also all the sex talk. truly the best late night show that I've ever seen.
Done and Dil-Done
Here in Alaska we have a wind chill of -12 and at least a foot of snow outside. 56 sounds fuzzy warm.
If the rope if frozen, it's cold and if the rope's a swinging, it's windy too.
56 is still shorts-wearing weather
For real, I don't even turn my heat on at 56. Just throw on a sweater and get on with my day.
"Vegan leather" is not good for the environment. Actual leather is a renewable resource that biodegrades, while vegan leather is usually a petroleum-based plastic of some kind.
Well, but u still have to kill animals for it 😂 🤦♂️
@@Pir4niA If its not good for the environment, it kills more animals overall. It just distances hou from it.
@@PokemonTrainerAriel There are a variety of plant-based alternatives rising in popularity. For instance, MuSkin is a vegan leather made from mushroom caps. It’s tanned with non-toxic ingredients and is even said to be softer and more water repellent than traditional leather.
@@Pir4niA not if they’re already dead from the meat industry and you’re just using the byproduct.
@@ryoknits well, but then we have to keep slaughtering enough because the demand for leather is still high as fuck. In my utopia there are not enough dead animals to fulfill those demands.
If they're not calling the cornstarch-and-water lube Loobleck, what are we even doing here?
I love this comment so much!
At my age I’m more interested in sustainability!!
"cornstarch and water" ah yes, the tried and true oobleck lube. Surely nothing could go wrong there.
I vote for coconut oil, it smells great too.
Well, as long as you don't go too fast ...
I like my sex like I like my non-Euclidean substances. Dr. Seuss-inspired!
Glad I wasn't the first one to consider the issues with a lube that becomes resistant to movement when friction was applied....
On the plus side, somewhere a physics grad student and their sexologist partner just discovered the most immersive research grant EVER..... Who knows, maybe non-Newtonian lube is the cure for premature ejaculation we didn't expect....🤣🤣
@@jedinxf7 non-Newtonian 😉
"That's a HARD pass."
Didn't even realize he made a funny. LOL
Come on!!! Over 50.
So it means NOT so HARD pass.
@@marketazelezna1249 Even I missed that one. Nice!!
"homemade lube" - makes me think of Frankie's Yam lube! 😃
My lady-bits shriveled up at the mention of "home made lube." have these people not heard of water based lube?
In Bojack Horseman, Todd briefly dates a closeted Asexual Axlotl whose family is extremely sexual and sex positive, and they present her with a barrel of her grandmother's homemade lube as a present for getting a boyfriend. Kinda feel like Stephen stole that joke.
So I googled some numbers and crunched some numbers: 10 billion condoms fill about 500 m by 500 m with a 1 m layer of used condoms. That's about the same numbers in yards. Less than one tenth of a square mile filled to a height of 1 yard.
Given that they degrade rather well and especially given the environmental benefits of preventing children, *this is absolutely a negligible problem.*
I was generous about packing density by the way.
Yeah, but how about the smell...?
Thanks.
If they were all together someone would have figured out how to recycle or repurpose. Non-alergenic tire swing anyone?
@@jemiebridges3197 Not from *that,* thank you very much.
Yes - thank you! 9,000 tons of carbon saved every time you DON'T have kids!
I'm going to download this so I can save it forever. The comment section just turned my shit life into pure rofl. Thank you for this all of you lovely humans!🧡🧡🧡🧡
Well I guess I can be happy about helping save the environment for the past two years...
My whole life. :}
😅🙈 Yep .. my thought as well
😑ur dating app still left a carbon footprint...
I fucking lost it at the Veggie Tales bit.
Oh yeah, I'm soooo good at this, my sexual carbon footprint is basically non-existent!
Just need to relocate all the crying from the shower to the bedroom, lights off and we're set.
Please cry into the grey water so it can be recycled.
There may only be two posts in this thread, but I love both of them.
LMAO! double winners here.
If only our government had some sort of bill that could help slow or reverse climate change .... newp, better make environmentalism seem ridiculous rather than promoting that bill.
“I misread the signals... turns out it was the hazards.”... that’s some grade A punnage right there. Top shelf.
Most lube is primarily vegetable gylcerine, sometimes with a tiny bit of silicone (oil based lubes are not condom friendly, petrochemical oils also make poor massage oils compared to vege oils), condoms are primarily natural latex (which photodegrades and oxygen degrades fairly readily), 'vegan' plastics and leather are just more mining and petrochemicals.
The beeb screwed that article, just more corporate greenwashing .
Thank you for mentioning that about the supposedly "eco-friendly" vegan leather, that one really bothered me when he mentioned it, because of how untrue it is.
You know, I'd understand even a quarter of what you said if any of it were relevant to my life...
In the end nothing really matters.
Ta.
@@IamAcerbus
There IS eco-friendly vegan leather: fruit leather. It's just not mentioned here. And to be honest; I don't know how well it performs compared to regular lether, whether real of artificial.
And then there's also the price.
I can definitively say I haven't laughed as hard as I did at the VeggieTales joke than I have at anything else all week. All month, possibly. I think I woke my housemate up.
Who cares
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Same! That was so funny! 🤣
This video isn’t Dilbert-related at all! Bait and switch!
I hope you are joking? If not, you are leading the charge of adult Duhmuricans to a 4th grade level... JFC
😂🤣😂😭😭☠☠
@@Wolverines77 Please go back to facebook
Cornstarch and water? That creates a non-newtonian fluid: The harder you push it, the harder it gets... Hmmm... MIGHT WORK! :'D
Grandma Colbert's Olde Fashioned Lube. That's a million dollar idea.
Veggie Tales tells "The Aristocrats."
vegan leather just means plastic
I worked in an abattoir in Scotland in the 80s that made intestine jonnies.
I haven’t commented since the show was in your home. I just want to let you know I’m still watching and loving your show! 💗😄
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Being over 50 solves a lot of things.
E.g. taxi drivers are more likely to handle your luggage (even if you don't need it.) 😄🚖
"handle your luggage"...is that a euphemism?
@@rebeccaelliot6586
No.
🤔but that's for a bigger tip... Ask them to check the glove-box for clean underwear.
@@f_USAF-Lt.G
We don't tip taxi drivers.
Wait, they're telling them to make Oobleck and use it as lube?
Worse, they seems to recycle the idea of using vegetables as dildos. Corn, ribbed for your pleasure.
He's old... He needs to get stiffer with every push
Vegan is not the V-word that I think of during intimate moments.
I too think of Volcanos
Violins?
Vagrant?
Vibraphone.
Vulcans 🖖
Has everyone forgot, vegan leather is a plastic?
there are alternatives made out of mushrooms and vegetal stuff
@@zizinnnn there are that is true, but most "vegan leather" that is widely available is petrochemical based. I wish there was oversight in labeling
I know right! Cracking me up almost as fun as telling vegan vegetarians and such that jello is animal bone marrow and that they spray animal lard on mc mcdonalds fries before they are froze and boxed and sent to the restaurants.
Fun fact. The first condoms were made from sheep intestines. Hence the name condoms from Arabic/swahili word Kondoom/Kondomu
And an animal bladder held water... Who knew
Back before latex there were reusable rubber ones. People hung them out on the clothesline. The big brand was 3 merry widows.
😳
GIGGLE WORTHY!!!
Wow!
Saving the environment just got a lot more freaky!
But wilderness boot knockin always was by the riverside near the milkweed
2:30 the model be like "why do I ever agree to be a Stock photo model...🤦♂️😩" *Simu Liu regrets mode on*🤣
Lube like grandma used to make.
Wait. Was one of the writers actually aware that those McCormick Bacon bits are accidentally vegan
aren't they also actually Kosher?
Yeah showering 5 minutes less or leaving the lights off is totally going to save us when we're still subsidizing millions for wholly inadequate carbon capture programs of the fossil fuel industry. But please keep guilt tripping and gaslighting us in to believing we're the problem, except when it comes to the actual lifestyle change that does somewhat help because that threatens another heavily subsidized billion dollar industry.
Fossil fuels certainly are the biggest clusterfsck imaginable, but that doesn't mean they're the only sector that is causing harm to our environment. Everything and anything we can do to minimize our environmental impact is still beneficial. Also, "we" (as in the entirety of humanity) *are* the problem; even if both of us were definitively the least polluting individuals on the planet, we're still marginally contributing to what ails us.
Five minutes? Is that how long it takes you?
@@Phroggster These PSA's are insulting, because if our "leaders" hadn't sucked the teats of big industry for half a century, I could probably be having sex for days under a hot shower with the lights on at zero or negligible environmental impact.
Sure every bit helps - but it's a bit like pouring a cup of water on a fire, some of us bring a bucket (vegans), but it's all pretty pointless when we're subsidizing the fire department to buy trucks without wheels.
@@asterix7842 Give me some of that Panoramix juice and I'll last longer than a small Gallic village against the S.P.Q.R.
@@asterix7842 my ex husband could do it in 3 seconds or less.
Nothing funnier than a religious tomato saying "have we got a show for you" in this context.
Somebody has a man crush on Bruce Springsteen. He reverently mentions him often
You know he has a wife.
I recommend Astroglide Natural. It's made from Aloe and actually feel 1000% better than their petrol product.
Remember, corn starch and water combined makes oobleck, so you can do science experiments at the same time. Seriously -- oobleck is weird stuff if you make it right.
...jus like sex if you do it wrong.
Isn't cornstarch and water a type of glue?
No. It's all about proportions.
It’s Oobleck, a non-Newtonian liquid.
"Mother Earth does not have a carbon foot fetish." :)
Am I missing why they booed Springsteen? Or did I hear that wrong?
They were saying "Bruce".
They were saying "boo-urns"
Bruuuuuuuce
Don't bring me down...BRUCE!
@@AJ42K still cannot un-hear that every time it plays
...or just use an actual cucumber. The food-grade wax layer that keeps them from drying out in the produce bin works well with coconut or any oil of choice. They are cheap, easy to find, pick the size you like, it's biodegradable or just eat it. Hahahaha
Well I ain’t eating at your house on salad night. LOL
@@kcharles1149 🤣🤣🤣
But, I thought vegan leather was sundries tomato & cucumber skins... 😳it's what I wear
I have been eeked out by most lubes, petroleum jelly, etc since learning they are petroleum products. Coconut oil based & other natural ones are way healthier, more enviro friendly, and waaaayyyyy more pleasant!
Fun fact: bacon bits (the brand) is vegan!
I don’t think there is a Bacon Bits brand. Hormel makes Bac’n Bits and Betty Crocker makes Bacos.
@@asterix7842 wow! you really know your bits. i think its the mccormic ones.
@@animalorangel Well, to be honest, I googled it. 😁 I already knew Bacos was vegetarian (I didn't know about vegan) because my brother uses it.
But Ooblek is for getting stiffer with every push...
Bad news for the graphics department: "Dil-Do's" shouldn't have an apostrophe in it 😉
Usually not, but then the second syllable would be "dos" as in the number, and then maybe they could only do 2 jokes? 🤔
It should be Dil-Does, pronounced Dil-Duz.
LET'S GO RUSSELL BRAND-ON!
Wait a minute, are you a Jackal?
It's common-and proper according to some grammar style guides-to use "do's" as the plural of "do" in "do's and don'ts." Even so, when I see "do's and don'ts," it annoys me, and I always think to myself, "If you pluralize 'do' with 'do's,' then the plural of 'don't' is 'don't's.' D-O-N-apostrophe-T-apostrophe-S. WTF."
@@brendammit I might be a hyena, according to Seth's "jackal-intern" mug 😅
the music at the end of this segment was ridiculously groovy, even by batiste+stay human standards. could barely stay in my chair
Wait so your carbon footprint is smaller without the shower sex? I thought with two people getting in at the same time, you use less water. Someone needs to replace these researchers.
It counts as a longer shower... That's why you can't understand why you're late for work, huh?
I don’t know where Jon gets his clothes but they are totally fabulous!❤️😉
When I saw the thumbnail I thought the creator of Delbert had gone and sad some more bone headed stuff again.
He missed a very obvious joke with the corn vibrator
Country girls make do?
@@everentropy ribbed for her pleasure
😭no... Don't get the children's game involved! He already played Veggie Tails!
@@f_USAF-Lt.G ????
I thought it was going to be about batteries. disposable batteries. boy, oh, boy, was I wrong.
Well, lamb intestines don’t stop the Welsh from doing it…
Or cowboys in Montana... just saying
Lol so true
The historical context for the Welsh and sheep is if you got caught stealing a sheep it was death, if you said you were only going to sleep with it you lost a finger as punishment. Plus their sheep are very good locking
Stephen WE NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER. THE WORLD NEED YOU.
SENDING MY LOVE.
#IMNURSE#IRELAND.🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Please stay in ireland
Eco lube= coconut oil, bought at the grocery store. Works great! 😘😏😜
Ps, I'm dead serious
Except coconut oil has been found to be as bad for the environment as palm oil. Otherwise it would be great
In a classic "that's what she said" moment... I wish this segment had lasted longer.
Vegan leather, AKA plastic
56 is about 13 in real temperature. That's cold? To a New Yorker? Californian, sure, but...
Sitting still in 56 degree temps gets cold real f-ing quick...
@@Wolverines77 Fair enough. I guess it depends if there is a draft somewhere... Old building and all. Though you'd figure all the studio lights would help a bit.
D Bone, that’s why tv studios keep in that cold. All the studio lights put out a lot of heat and you can’t have the host and guests sweating on TV.
@@asterix7842 Nah. Much better to have them freeze. 😂
I mean... They could very easily get him a space heater for under his desk
In Michigan, I don't even turn the heat on till it hits the 40s, or single digits in the Celcius system. Unless my cat starts shivering, then the heat goes on immediately. My cat's a real pussy when it comes to cold weather.
So we're going to pretend the audience didn't just boo Springsteen?
it was "Bruuuuuce" ...
I hear 56 degrees and I can't help thinking "A yes moron temperature measurements, in the more widely used and less stupid Metric system 56 degrees would be almost lethally hot."
The first 2 min snd 11 sec deserve a 😄.
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@@dkamphaus43
I'm not sure anyone (with a brain) will trust a link like this. (No description).
DONT CLICK THIS LINK!
@@Finnec123 If everyone could just report the spammers wherever they show up, we might not have this problem.
Not gonna lie, the Vegetales bit got me. 😭😭😭
"switch off the lights when you have sex to save the planet". Bullshit. Do not reduce your electric consumption to save the environment. It's not your job to consume less. It's the power company's responsibility to provide you as much electricity as you want, 10x, 100x, 1000x what you use now if you're willing to pay for it, and do no carbon emissions at all. It is their responsibility for their carbon emissions. You're buying electricity. It's the same to you if it comes from solar or coal. It's their job to clean up their act. You can't clean up their act.
the most impactful aspect of sex is that it produces more people.
THOSE veggies are gonna have some tales for sure. @4:44
It's my grandmother's recipe!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍💯✌✌😎🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love how Jon dresses.
The veggie tales clip got me. 🤣
Is sex dirty? It is if you’re doing it right.
- Woody Allen
Coconut oil makes great lube!
The last woman I was with was really into coconut oil, but mostly as skin conditioner. :)
@@warlockpaladin2261 I too play a warlock and a paladin, Warlock Paladin lol
I'm really into coconut oil but mostly for butt stuff 😆
@@quackaddict2203 D&D and butt stuff?
Bacon bits are vegan 🌱
Jon Baptiste looking fresh love his threads tonight
His pants look like my bathroom floor tiles😁
Eco-friendly sex includes using Toys and condoms that haven't been tested on animals
I got the cornstarch and water... Just bring a little yeast and we're makin' muffins, baby.
Followed by a bun in the oven.
It's half of receipt for either glue, slime or cornbread. Non should participate in sex
It’s Oobleck, a non-Newtonian liquid.
I'd think shower sex would be encouraged. I mean, they're in there at the same time, and two minutes later they're done.
Yeah but unless you have like a walk in or you two are small, shower sex is kinda cramped haha.
Two minutes? Is that how long it takes you?
Than, why is he late for work _ every time?
#LateShow.
#SexIsBiodegradable.
#GetEcoFriendlyWithSex.
#FreakOnInTheEnvironment.
That vegan toy company needs a vibe that looks like a kumquat.
If I go much longer without sex I will be able to offer carbon offset credits to industrial giants.
Vegi-tales, Tijuana Edition!!!
🍌🥑🍒🌶️🥒
Looks like Sausage Party has a sequel 🍌🍆🌽🥒🌶 👀
Jon batiste always warms my heart! 💕☺️
As an atheist, I thank you for finally ruining my Christian childhood with that Vege Tales reference 😆
Wait… so pineapple is no longer a safe word to use?? 😂
😳NO! That tells them to put nipple clips on you
I thought the safe word was "meat loaf"
🤔not so safe _ covered in Ooblek
As long as you say it Dill dues
Like if you’re here from the Holy Post Podcast
Dill pickles taste better, just not as crunchy
Why is Fahrenheit still a thing 🇨🇦
Because it's a better temp scale than centigrade. Remarkably, the most-useful non-metric measurement.
I thought showering with a friend saved water.
I keep a dozen in my nightstand drawer, just in case. They have been there for 12 years! Wonder if any are still any good?? Wonder if I am still any good??😉😣😄😂🤣
If they ain't got an expiration date, they were made before 1990