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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ม.ค. 2025
- Coaching available at realcoachken.com - Explanation of why the attraction and desire to win back someone suffering from Borderline can be so powerful. This video includes strategies and tips for how to maintain no contact while waiting with the hope of re-attracting them.
Coaching sessions available at: dotheyloveme.com/
This is am important topic.
Great video bro
She went from "Please don't stop loving me" to "you're obsessed and I'm overwhelmed." And she said both things about the identical set of efforts from me.
Yes, the ''Please don't stop loving me'' is the borderline's abandonment axiety. And the ''you're obsessed and I'm overwhelmed'' is the borderline's engulfment anxiety.
Yep. Within 24 hours it goes to “you’re causing me more stress than you are happiness when literally nothing has changed on your side , I’m sick and worn out
yeah - that sounds about right - crazy thing is it can also happen in the same week or same day.
Been there smh
@@CoachKendefinitely happens like a day apart, we’ll have an amazing day or weekend and spill our hearts to each other and then on Monday it’s like “I need space, you’re overwhelming me, I don’t have the capacity” smh
Finally a video that explains exactly and accurately what having a relationship with a borderline feels like, i myself have never been as tremendously hurt in my entire life as i was after the breakup with a borderline , it started as a fairytale and ended up as a living hell. The hardest part was recovering from the euphoric state that he created at first as well as the tiring confusion whether what we had was real or not. Either way, if its that toxic and damaging then its not meant to last
My heart goes to all those who suffered from this kind of relationships❤️ i myself am one
Trust me it gets easier
Wow, I'm glad I'm not crazy. This sounds exactly like my experience. They stop wanting to verbalize and communicate wants and needs and expect you to read their minds, they're not assertive , nor understand healthy communication at all , so they just let resentment build and build , until they literally blow up triggered , and do something incredibly cruel to the point you wonder if you misjudged their character completely? The things they do and say can be so cruel , toxic and cold .....It makes you wonder if they even possess a heart or any empathy at all.
They discard , then they realize they acted out ridiculously , and start breadcrumbing, you reach out and they pretend it wasn't about you and reject all over again. Crazy making behavior.
Then they way they frame things , they make you sound like the toxic one for expressing your thoughts and feelings calmly and trying to have a conversation ..... Gaslighting.
In my experience , it's just laziness , complete and utter disregard for accepting any accountability or responsibility at all , if it involves taking blame for their ridiculously child like actions.
Then with everyone else they are nicely nice , people pleasing , and wouldn't hurt a fly.
It's the most overwhelming feeling and frustration ever..... Because they won't work on it , they either want things fun and light. ..or they gaslight you and run.
Then you wonder if any of the magical feelings and intimacy , they amazing sensitivity , communication , and bonding at the beginning was even real for them.
I've been going thru this for over a year .....and the silent treatment and stonewalling is just next level
I don't know how someone can still care , and go that long without making an effort to mend things.....and that's what makes me question myself my feelings , and thoughts around it.
First time around I recognized it for what it was.....it was a nice bonding experience , lovely person , but couldn't handle adult communication .....I saw that as red flag and let it go. 2nd and 3rd time it's gotten exponentially tougher ...... because my intuition and logical mind says there's gotta be something substantial there for it to go on so long , for her to still write about me .....but it's almost even more heartbreaking , that you can't be intimate , even they can't get past their trauma and illness ....and they don't even wanna address it.....They'd rather avoid the whole thing altogether and pretend their issues don't even exist. Literally leaves your hands tied.
@@FSU_KINGxSHIT O.M.G. You described every, and I mean every single thing I experienced. Especially the part when they get triggered when you calmly discuss your feelings about a concern and then turn it around on you like you just insulted them to the extreme and telling you you're crazy for doing so. (gaslighting) It's like they were waiting for the chance to go off on you and then their cruel side is literally jawdropping. I finally feel peace for not feeling like I was 100% the problem. The whole experience leaves you feeling crazy. I know I'm not perfect and have my attachment issues, but this experience was unimaginable and beyond heartbreaking. It was soul crushing and mind f-ing.
@victoriagrimm3066 I'm glad it resonated with you , yeah I mean literally EVERYONE has their own issues , I know I do , my intense fear of Abandonment myself , can end up manifesting in me seeming completely emotionless in the face of abuse or manipulation.
But I think the thing that sets us apart from them, is I'd 100% be down for trying to compromise and work things out. At least I was up until 2 years passed.
At this point I feel comfortably numb , I've reached a point where I'm disconnected enough I don't believe she can hurt me anymore, and simply for my own sanity and ability to lead a somewhat normal life , I think I need to stay away. Which is just sad , the love I had for her had so much passion and power, it's tragic that she was so mentally abusive that I realized that level of love isn't meant for me ,it's just too overwhelming
@@FSU_KINGxSHIT Thanks so much for writing all you did. A big help to me as I am just now finding out how hard I have been smacked by someone who "loved" me. Your experience is almost identical to mine. Thanks again
@@grcooley You're very welcome 🙏 and there's more of us out there feeling some of the same emotions & thoughts as you. So don't be afraid to reach out , oftentimes when we don't it can make us feel very alone.
You're so right. I lost myself when I was dating my BPD ex. Now I'm getting back to who I am. Doing the things I like that I stopped doing when I was with her. I don't want her back in my life, though I do miss her, but I recognize the importance of finding myself again.
I identify with this. I was so strong for over a year , not letting the games and manipulation get to me. But the past 3 months it's literally consumed me and made me feel crazy..... Unregulated like her.
@@FSU_KINGxSHIT this is so true, i am usually very calm and cool headed , been in a relationship with a bpd transformed me into someone very reactive
Im going to find you@@daa6677
@@FSU_KINGxSHITYeah, no guckin kidding
@daa6677 Samething happened to me. You're gaslit so often , it's like your grip on reality starts to slip.
They go from someone seemingly profoundly innocent & pure , to the flip of a switch someone so manipulative in a state of secondary psychosis which leaves you wondering "who are they really? Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde?"
How far does the rabbit hole go in terms of their immoral attention seeking behaviors? Do they have any standards or morals they stay consistent with? Or is it all subject to change like a chameleon when they see something they desire?
This guy is Phenomenal. He has the ability to explain things that appear complicated in such a way that is easy to understand!
Sincere thank you for the kind words - That's one of the best compliments that I've ever read!
I believe that the reason that they lovebomb you quickly after meeting you is because they know you are available and possibly attracted to you, and you may be attractive to others, and they're afraid that someone else will snatch you up before them.
Out of all the bpd relationship videos I’ve watched, and that’s a lot, yours have been so accurate, It’s soothing to hear other people tell the same story and know that I wasn’t mad and didn’t do anything wrong. I have hope that this is going to help me heal and move on. Thankyou sir.
Thank you for the kind words Andrew!
I am BPD. Coach Ken is completely correct , listen to him.
At least you know it and therefore are trying to change it. Best wishes to you!
Thanks coach Ken. That’s exactly what I’m going through. She came into my life and made feel I was the luckiest man on earth, sex was amazing, she treated me so nice, made breakfast, said she loved me, said I was the best boyfriend. After a month she started changing, still affectionate but I could feel the difference, sex was still happening but I felt sometimes she didn’t want. I felt bad as I thought I was doing something wrong. Then next month she was even more distant, colder, I felt she wasn’t into me anymore. She would flirt with other guys in front of me and when confronted she’d say I was imagining things, that I was insecure etc.
I tried many times to have mature conversations to keep the relationship healthy but she always said that she isn’t good with communicating and all the bs. Then after having a nice weekend, she’d just come out of nowhere and say “I don’t want this anymore, this relationship isn’t good for us and it’s over”.
From having a lovely breakfast and a nice day together to breaking in the evening. We stayed together a bit more than a year and she broke up 3x during this time. Strangely enough we would stay 3 months together then she breaks up, then few months apart, we’d get together again and the same cycle takes place, and after 3 months she breaks again. I was suspicious all the time as she was very secretive about her phone, but I never confronted as I didn’t want to go into her privacy, but I’m sure there was something there.
She said her childhood was t great with her dad, her mom passed when she was young and her father wasn’t present and supportive. She also admitted having a promiscuous past, which I should’ve seen the red flags but I thought I’d just ignore it. Biggest mistake. Now I’m struggling to let go and hurting so much as I never felt before, even bigger pain than I felt when my dad died. Not sure how things are going to be in the future. She kinda still in contact in a way, likes some of my posts, send a short gold text here and there which I should ignore but I don’t, I reply short and polite. But from now on I will ignore her. She doesn’t deserve all the energy I’m putting on her.
Run run run, life is too short. You'll waste your time with these types during the part of your life where you are at your Prime. Putting you through this, will make you look old way before your time and you'll most likely turn to food and wait. Next thing you know you're overweight and old and then you're going to feel like who's going to want you now if no one wanted you when you were looking your best while you were young. Don't waste your best years. You will be better off unhappy and alone rather than miserable with someone else. Don't be like me and look back on your life and realize that you wasted your time. I ran into a guy that I hadn't seen since eighth grade yesterday looking so fine so handsome and he had a very cute hot little wife. I was too busy wasted my time with people who never cared about me. I'll never have what my friend from high school has. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone now I'm old and unattractive I never got to have that, making love like a house on fire, ever. And I never will.
@@selfesteem3447 NEVER too late too start! Make it fucking happen!!! Go to work now. Do the inner work..
Whoa, did you date Corrine, too? She was THE ONE, at last! She "got" me, and even shared my unusual quirks. She was unusual in a way that didn't seem to work out with other men, but which fit the was I was emotionally constructed too. So affectionate! "Please don't stop loving me" and "you might be the person I've been looking for" and even "I had a dream about you before we'd ever met." Then it all started to cool down. less expressive texts. Fewer affectionate memes and messages. Fewer "Goodnight, I love you." She went from making me breakfasts--her amazing pancakes with giant piles of chocolate chips and whipped cream!--to seldom seeking my companionship for outings or dates. She never flirted in front of me, but she had a promiscuous past (I think I was number 38 or 42), which I never held against her. Distant father, cold rejection by her mother, lots of early life trauma. Very concerned about whether my previous relationship had ended because of me cheating, and intense questioning despite my protestations. Then the strange car appeared in her driveway when she didn't know I was coming by, even though it was a day when she'd blown off plans with me. She dishonestly claimed "I needed to be alone all day", and denied having a visitor by supplying me myriad incompatible explanations. It was John's car...John is the guy she met on a dating app who replaced me, probably before I was even gone. It's who she's still with tonight, even after she re-hoovered me with promises that she was done with him and wanted to be with me. The hoover started the cycle again: "I realize how special you were, I blew my chance with the best man I've ever had, I want to try again, I appreciate what I lost", followed by the slow, inevitable fade.
This is the script to my last relationship. We should talk
No Contact. Everywhere. Its the only way. I feel you man. Good luck. ✨️ Your a Star.
Good stuff. I was married to a BPD for 22 years. It was tough. I walked away.
painful road to get there but sometimes that is the happy ending
@@CoachKen watch Sam vaknin you won't regret his knowledge
Just got a flash! My friends, we are dealing with the deranged! I mean that literally! We have so much happiness to experience! Just love yourself! I know it sounds cliché, but please trust me, so much happiness now that that relationship is over. Ken played a patt in this discovery 🙏🏻 we are all in this together...
"If you have a belief that contradicts your consistent actions, your consistent actions will reprogram your belief" -Ken
Thanks coach Ken for those videos on bpd.. you make my breakup easier. Watching you multiple times a day. Its comforting thanks you
Wow!!
In my case , she told me I was too good for her .
She had a fear of engulfment
Claiming she needed to find herself
Mine had those and many more! I made her hate me tho by pressuring her and fighting back whenever she asked for something. Also made her whole family hate me so there is no chance of us coming back together. But I grow stronger everyday. Even tho I still miss her and all her flaws.
Same here
I needed this after 6 months of a relationship with my BPD narcissistic ex. She left me on Valentine's day and immediately hopped into another relationship. At first I wad her everything and now I'm nothing to her.
Hope you’re doing better.
Hey, how are you. Mine started seeing the other guy on Valentines when my dad was in the hospital. Left me two months later.
That is really cruel behavior on her part. I would venture to say “abusive.” It’s just ruthless.
Yes they do this, they will leave you when you need them the most
No contact and dont look back
Borderline here, just honestly waiting for a partner not to give up while I tirelessly work on emotional regulation. ❤
Lot of good guys are willing and excited to be with someone with BPD willing to deal with it. People with BPD tend to be highly intelligent, sensitive, and intense - amazing people who had to deal with some level of trauma at an age when they were too young for flight or fight. BPD is blanket condemned too often. - it all comes down to the person and the choice they make to address it or not.
I am trying to get my bpd ex back, because I see the good things in her. The only thing I wish that she would do, would be to seek some therapy, because when we broke up she knew something was going on inside of her. I know when I reach out to her she moves away, and when I step away she comes closer. She will tell me she doesn’t want a relationship with me, but when she isn’t hearing from me, she will reach out to my mom to try and get info from her about me, instead of just talking to me.
Hello cloud, I have a question.
I hurt my pwBPD and they discarded me. We live together and the first week or so was me begging for forgiveness and us working together to get help. I started no contact less than a week ago and they’re finally starting to text me random conversation starters. Being funny, etc. I’ve kept it short with them. Is this a good sign they want to be together still? 7 years and married 7 months.
I'm happy you're aware 🎉
Partner who didn’t give up on the borderline, and told her multiple times that I haven’t given up on them. They never responded.
I am without a doubt a strong case of ADHD and I have attracted back most of my BPD exes back. everything he said is true. They love the confidence. The recent one says I have an inflated sense of self but I corrected her on it and she still remains attached to me and is currently getting over her current pedestal (malignant narcissist) in the process
I'm almost crying at how accurately this describes everything. Thank you! I really feel like this video describes everything better than ANY I have seen. From how she pursued me, to how I was idealized. It broke my heart one month ago when I'd finally had enough. We argued. She left and there it was. The end. Haven't spoken in a month. As I was going through it, each thing that happened caused withdrawals and likely points taken away from the fantasy I'd become in her mind. By the end, she hardly saw me. Hardly made any effort at all. Meanwhile, I'd done all I could to be who I'd always been to her. It's just it did not elicit the same feelings from her because she'd shut me down and was likely on her way to complete devaluation. She told me from the start she'd broken up with one guy because he didn't kiss well and another she broke up with because he told his friends about her. She was always waiting for that first sign of trouble so that she can walk away. It's very scary dating them. Mine was very private. She'd even admit that. Stated multiple times she did not feel comfortable with vulnerability. I tried and I'll always love her as she is. I just wish she would have seen how much I was starving for some EFFORT. Some effort dictated by love and not feeling. In our first little argument she said to me "you doubt my feelings for you." Her feelings were very intense but they weren't love. I don't know if she knows how to love or even what it is. Thanks again so much for this video.
I'm sorry you went through it - I know how that pain feels and I can promise you, you will get over it, move on, and find happiness.
Your videos are literally helping me get through day to day thanks coach
Hi Coach- Another amazing video! Your videos are so important for those of us that were/are lost after a BPD relationship. THANK YOU! I didn't even know what BPD was, let alone understand the addictive, dangerous and cruel nature of it, the way you explain it is so accurate. Luckily I sought help during the relationship to understand the gaslighting and mental anxiety it was causing (I highly recommend this to anyone), and the psychologist put me onto researching BPD.
Almost 3 months of agony and I'm finally starting to break the addiction. I've booked a call with you in a couple of weeks time, to get advice on if I should even be wanting her back. A month ago I would have crawled over broken glass for her.
Strength and love to everyone going through this- there IS someone out there for you who will love you just as much, without all the pain and the crazy. Some wise advice I was given once ' women (insert men) are like busses- if you stand there long enough, another one will come along' I know it doesn't help at all and it didn't for me at the time but it's right. Time will heal eventually.
Thank you so much for the kind words! So sorry for the painful journey you've been on - but so happy you have the understanding that brings a bit of relief in knowing what you're dealing with. Stay strong brother!
Wish i had this months ago. There are a few videos that perfectly validate my experiences being on the receiving end.
Sorry to hear that. - but glad it was helpful
Thank you. I've just broken up with a borderline, there's a lot of great information on your channel. Subscribed.
Thanks Judy - sorry to hear you're going through it right now
Did she ever try to return?
Man I wish I found these videos before, it's given so much insight and perspective on my situation.
I'm dealing with an ex-girlfriend who's literally displaying all of these behaviors, so the key is being able to actually walk away and thrive
A cautionary tale: I met my child's mother at 19, fell instantly in love, she was diagnosed with BPD, the first 3 years were traumatic and beautiful. Then we had my son, she left me for someone else shortly after, years later we rekindled. Blossomed moved to a new state, bought a home together after 10 years intertwined, had my daughter, now 8 months old.
She leaves again. Took the house took the kids and left me homeless for 2 months.
Hearing that "they're not possible to hold on to those feelings" hit home for me
Geeze man. Truly heartbreaking. Idc what anyone says , NOBODY is worth this. BPD people especially
I hope you find yourself again soon. Hit the gym hard it helps a lot! Love you brother 💪🏼
@@sneakerhead567 I don't have bpd, but adhd actually. My ex had borderline which is why these videos hit so close to home
@freedomgunsandliberty2729 thanks man, I've definitely come along way since this post,my gym is skateboarding and the community there has been an enormous help. And also people like yourself
@@Shifting_Skates How did she come back years later man? Did she say she was done never coming back, you need to move on etc?, not reply as they’re in limerance with the new idiot, completely discard you! I broke up with her but we were working on it she chased me for over a year whilst I was sorting things out for us after my service I was messed up. I miss my child’s mumma so much but I’m not reaching out/chasing anymore I have to project moving on. I want a second go for our family this woman is destroying our her life being a married man’s side b*tch thinking she has what she needs to discard me & our family right now.
Your video helped me a lot. Thank you for posting and explaining it the way you did. I'm currently going through a divorce with a BPD wife and everything you've said in your video is spot on.
This is one of the tougher things I've been through in my life for sure. I've been and seen some crazy things early throughout my life and this BPD divorce and the mind f_ck is pretty torturous.
Thank you so much again and thank you for confirming my experience.
One of your best videos yet! I’ve had it on repeat all day!
Thank you Ken! Talk to you soon…
mental man hug - talk soon!
Man... Thanks for saying the things that need to be said. Yeah there rough, but very real. It helps to recover no doubt. I appreciate you and your style.
Yup ex one day goes to loving me to, taking me off her priority completely……. And ends up breaking up with me 2 days later
Let go of Her man she’s completely bananas not to mention she can be cheating on you while she is taking you off her priority list. Just last night I found out a girl with bpd I was dating for a couple months was cheating on her boyfriend of 1 year with me ! Be very careful and do not fall for these individuals
@@abolisher that’s crazy man!! Thanks bro
This just happened to me too wtf
Did she come back
This video helped me, thank you.
I’ve tried to get out for years.
After months of not seeing each other. It just took 1 day for the million phone calls, name calling to start all over again.
Been there - that's them trying to pull you back in anger/silence/pity usually works to draw back an authentic person to a toxic one
Ugh.. they wanna turn us into narcissists... I want a sens of self so strong that her words no longer phase me. But I won't be rude back... just stop being reactive to her actions and words.
Ive been in a relationship with a boderline and i find these videos so helpful to get over her when i miss her
Your THE man coach Ken 🙏 thank you so much ! I was feeling very depressed after my latest ghosting/rejection! This video made my heart smile for a while
Not only do they see all your gifts and amazing characteristics and are able to reflect that to you, they also see your deepest insecurities and bring it to surface in the most mysterious ways lol that relationship sure is not for the faint hearted. Be ready to go raw.
This is spot on. Speaking to a therapist, they told me that the boundaries they need to have with borderlines, are much stronger than other patients. Because of the BL's amazing ability to read people, understand and empathise, they are easy to trust and pour all the insecurities out to. Sometimes they even drag them out of you deliberately.
When they move to the devaluation phase, all the deep secrets you've told them are then used (subconsciously) by the BL to tear you apart and make you the enemy. Apparently they do this to rationalise to themselves the confusing feeling they have to get away from something they love, i.e they need to find a reason.
Basically they NEED to gaslight, manipulate, attack and devalue you, to make their fear of engulfment valid to themselves. If they don't make that fear valid, then they have to face the fact that they have a disconnect in their thinking and this leads to a total meltdown. It's absolutely terrifying that this can exist in a person (for them too I'm sure).
Yeah you're real funny. Yuck it up. What you're doing is not ok. It will come to a very hard end.
@@andrewallen2999 aww I not sure why you're having a go at me but I'm guessing you're in pain so big hug to you my friend
Holy shit. This is literally what I’m going through. I’m going through so much pain right now it’s unbearable
Stay strong Matthew - there is light at the end of the unbearable tunnel
Even I am in so much pain. I am at airport and can’t stop my tears & watching this video. He himself said he is damaged and yet I am in pain just because I loved him.
Going through a lot of pain ..my undiagnosed bpd discarded me brutally with lots of insults a whole night long then he replaced me by a woman ..we were supposed to get married and he said he changed his mind. We had a purpose together..so i m going through a lot of pain 2 months after..
Ken
You are separate from the pack. The pack is great and they ALL have some great information and experience and even formal education for many of them. But there's just something really different about how you lay it out there and articulate it that sets you apart. Just listening to you and how YOU put this stuff together - connect the dots, so to speak, it actually causes ME to think at a higher level than I ever did, or have. You actually put the last few remaining pieces of the puzzle together for me personally! I've seen SO many of the "things" you describe AND I even have taken the very steps to have clear borders, cut ties, go radio silence and left that person in my dust of my new life. But you honestly just put the icing on the cake.....you affirmed so many things I was feeling and seeing, but STILL not wanting to necessarily believe...
....... but yes, I was ABSOLUTELY with a full-blown narcissist for 4 years, and never knew what it was.
Your video messages are absolutely, stunningly SO spot on!!!
Thank you Ken, Rick
Rick - I'm sorry to hear about part of what you went though. Being with a narcissist for that long will exhaust you and break you down in ways that are hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through that level of manipulation. Very kind of you to share those words of encouragement, and trust me when I tell you it means a lot to me. Thank you so much for taking the time and being so honest with even part of what you've been through! Long distance mental manhug my friend!
Man coach Ken is right on the spot ,can’t wait for our call
This describes my Wife for sure. She’s in limerence with someone else that probed her life for the past 12 years during her difficulties in relationships. Time to move forward
Great vid, Just passed 3 months of no contact with compete radio silence, If you remember our conversation I still expect to hear at some point(As did you!), However I expect it could be a while!
Been 4 months, heard anything yet??
@@patrickennis4612 no nothing. But I also don’t care as much . I’ve met someone better and mentally stable. I expect I’ll hear something still but who knows when
That's a great message!!
It's been 3 weeks and I'm 1/2 way to not caring. The more time that goes by, the less value I see in her coming back.
Keep up the good work!!
@@patrickennis4612 sounds like your doing well. I told myself I’ll never contact her because she doesn’t get to avoid the pain or anxiety, I know her well enough to know it’ll hit in time. maybe use that if ever feel the need to reach out
Yep, walking and not looking back. Unstanding bpd, I know this is hitting her way harder than it's hitting me. I'm letting her have the breakup, and know that the next guy is going to pick it up where I left off... until she explodes on him. Not my problem anymore. Healing and improving myself for the next lady.
i wish i saw this video sooner, i wasn’t aware of this disorder before, and i did everything you said not to and it sheds a different light on why the relationship with her fell apart
After months of her claiming she lost feelings and then breaking up with me in the end, I still didn’t leave. (Also she was suicidal from guilt and still kept reaching out to me and I would console her while hiding my own pain.)
I was still so attached despite the way she treated me- and i still tried being friends with her for a few weeks after and showing unconditional support- but it was very one sided.
It became unbearable, and then i ended up seeking help/research about BPD and ended up here.
I didn’t realize how degraded i looked at this point, staying like a kicked puppy and letting myself be abused. I didn’t realize that i wasn’t the same strong person i was before, my secure attachment style decimated into an anxious one from all the pulling away and coldness she started showing after the devaluation
Then I finally made the decision to regain my self respect by “leaving her” despite how attached I was
When I said i’m gonna take a break from responding to her texts, she reacted with extreme hatred. It was a bit scary, but it made it easier for me to ease my attachment, cut off most of our communication channels, and continue into my break, avoiding her social medias.
This small absence of mine seemed to have affected her badly, her emotions were going haywire, constantly switching between “i hate you” “i love you” multiple times throughout the day
The days passed, and she showed bitterness and hints of jealousy when I posted stories of me hanging out with other people as if i’m doing normal
Funny enough, the moment I started doing things as you said, pulling away, distancing myself, flipping the switch from a sad groveling version of myself, to showing the strong confident version of myself that i was at the beginning, living life as normal, it was like her attitude towards me changed
a few days later of me not reaching out, now it’d be her reaching out to me almost everyday, saying she misses what we had, reminiscing the happy memories, and feeling lonely/bad without me
I told her to get professional help, that i wouldn’t put up with her taking her anger out on me anymore by me not responding
She finally did went to seek help, but she’s even more conflicted because the psychological counselor suggested that she let me go
What happened to her discarding me and losing feelings of love as she claimed before? Now she’s back to showing signs of wanting us back- but she’s hesitant because she can’t stand the guilt of continuing to hurt me
I guess projecting the “idealized version” of myself helped, but it honestly helped me a lot in healing and finding myself back the better version i was before the damage of this relationship.
Now I respond to her texts very neutrally, polite, direct, but clearly keeping up my boundaries.
It’s very different than the warm, evasive, consoling tone i had before and it seems to make her anxious and scared to talk to me.
The last thing she said to me recently was “...I just hope that one day I can become a normal person again so that we can be happy like a normal couple”
I didn’t comment about the relationship part, but i told her that i believe in her able to heal and to continue seeking that professional help
My heart really does miss the old her, the old times we have, I want it back so badly. But I need to accept that she’s not the same person as before, and that those times will most likely never return.
I still want a positive connection with her in the future, even as friends because i genuinely enjoy the activities we do together.
But right now, it’s hard to be friends when there’s still unresolved resentful/romantic feelings between us. She’s also showing signs of wanting a relationship between us. My heart really craves it, but my mind and self respect is saying the opposite. I can’t just take her back that easily after how she’s treated me
if i were to take her back, i’d have to set down very hard boundaries, make sure she’s receiving professional help consistently, and she’d have deeply prove herself and feelings to me…
but then with BPD, such feelings/versions she’d show might just be temporary, and i could just lead to heartbreak and hurting myself again
so i might have to just accept the true reality that a relationship with her may not work out with her
Is it worth taking her back?
Do I just continue replying neutrally and guarded to her daily texts until we’re friends again?
I can’t bring myself to completely cut her off..
Is it worth taking her back? - Depends on how she comes back, what she says, what she takes accountability for and what help she's ready and willing to get
I wish that I had this video at 18. However, I do not think that my 18 year old self would have been able to handle the truth in this video. Now at 25 it is so much easier to understand and handle dating someone with BPD. This video is Sooo true!! Thank you!
" wish that I had this video at 18. However, I do not think that my 18 year old self would have been able to handle the truth" - Me and you both Hayden!
Coach Ken what you say in your video make alot of sense thank you.
Just realized my ex from two years ago AND the new girl are both borderline … it was hell 2 years ago. I’m better prepared now.
Im starting the process of being assess with BPD as Im pretty sure I have the disorder. Im seeing way too many parallels. Interestingly what has lead me to seeking a diagnosis is having had a break up with someone suffering from it and how absolutely devestating it was. I was finally seen and the idealization was pure cocaine level addiction but then the confusion and anger and explosions kept coming and I felt responsible no matter what i did or didnt do. Ive worked extremely hard on my symptoms (not knowing they were probably BPD so missing or struggling with a few big ones) and have been fairly stable until this relationship. Gaslighting, outbursts, critisims, hyper vigilence and scrutinizing, inconsistent reactions. I have greived the loss of the relationship and I have seen what I have put people through and still a part of me would take her back if it meant she would look at me the way she did when we first met.
Thank you so much. I needed this
This guy gets it. Ken I feel like you have been in the same place as me. I am a DPD that fell deeply in love with a BPD and got discarded in the most horrible way after many push and pulls and cycles from her.
Fantastic vid as always man 😃
My ex pwbpd said he was dissappointed with me all the time. He said Im 95 per cent good but he sees the 5 percent bad. Im also the best person he has ever met. Im no contact now and getting my sanity back
This video really helped me find the clarity to actually move on. Good luck & good riddance.
Man I love your videos, your teachings.....I absolutely understand everything you are saying.....and I actually understand them on a level of thinking, comprehending and understanding that makes my brain "work" AND grow!
You lay this stuff out in such a great easy-to- understand manner and articulated so we'll. .....it's chronological.
Thank you so much for these messages. You just have that perfect, magic gift of putting these together so well.
Rick
Wife of a bpd 10 years of being loved and cherished and important. Out of nowhere affair popped up, nasty, cruel behavior. anger, aggressive behavior. Blaming everything on me. Villianizing me. Re wrote our whole marriage has a nightmare. Hates me. Reaches out pulls away loves me hates me. Threatens divorce daily. Now a second affair. Im in constant emotional turmoil. I have faithfully loyally stood by through it all and still see the good in my spouse. My heart is shattered. I am now nothing, no one to my best friend and the love of my life
This is what I have been dealing with 😢
This is what I have observed, but it’s just my opinion based on my personal experience with a long term BPD relationship, where I ended up very hurt and confused by the splitting, until I started doing personal development work. It seems to me that the BPD partner chooses a romantic partner or a Favorite Person that reflect the subconsciously disowned , or "shadow” traits of their personality. The shadow is a psychological term for everything we can’t see in ourselves, meaning our psychological or personal shadow, is comprised of those qualities, impulses, and emotions that we cannot bear for others to see and thus cast into the hidden domain of ourselves, the subconscious mind, a treasure box, filled with main parts of your identity.
These personality traits are neither good nor bad. The shadow contains both what we consider the “dark side” of our personality and the “projection idealization” worthy parts of ourselves that we simply disowned.
It consists chiefly of primitive, human emotions and impulses that by indoctrination at a young age we recorded in our mind were either bad or useless:
⁃ Bad: rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the striving for power.
⁃ Useless: Creativity (become a doctor not a n artist), empathy (men don’t cry), affection/emotional attachment (you are too clingy, needy), playfulness (too hyper), joy (too loud), …
These are things children are told at a young age by their caretakers, who truly believe they are teaching them manners. I know this because I did it with my kids, until I realized what I was doing.
They are powerful traits people are born with, which they often have trouble recognizing as themselves. The BPD shadow people may be experienced as AMAZING FRIENDS (IDEALIZATION) or as EVIL FOES (DEVALUATION), hence the splitting. This is why a BPD who is splitting may say: “I don’t even know who I am.” In reality, their shadow identity was being projected on you because you have traits that they simply disavowed. And when they split, they project on you all the traits they were told in childhood were negative, for instance: a man with BPD and traits of narcissism may hate you more when you cry, because crying makes you “weak” (remember that this person at a certain point was emotionally available, understanding and even very tuned to your needs). Well, now, the BPD is projecting the opposite of that beautiful trait of empathy they loved about you during idealization and turning it to a bad trait of their “shadow”, hence their projected personality on you.
The battle or idealization of a BPD partner is really never for or against you, but more about the them they see in you, and that’s what they love and hate about you, or really, about themselves. Until that BPD partner realizes that this hidden, buried shadow (treasure box of amazing traits, which are all necessary for survival, including anger, self-love, self-worth, empathy, kindness, and even rage at certain moments) are important to own for them to have and freely express and fully live their own IDENTITY and they fully accept themselves as fearfully and wonderfully made people in the image of God, I think it will be a rollercoaster relationship EFIT at with self and of course with others.
On the other hand, the partner MUST ALSO DO THR SHADOW WORK, because whatever it is that is making you addicted to that person, it’s probably a shadow of yours. So, LET US DO THE WORK TOO, to avoid these toxic relationships. True love starts with loving yourself as a child of God. You are VALUABLE! ❤❤❤
Just a thought ❤
thanks for the enlightenment, i'm in a relationship with a BPD and now she's in th devaluation phase, now I understand I should do the shadow work too! I think if I tolerate all the bad treatments she's giving it won't make her change, I will make her feel the loss.
This is absolutely how my marraige went. Now its ending and i can see her fighting to find her feelings for me but she cant. Like most BPD she immediately jumped to the new one and there is zero chance i can compete with how she sees him.
I'm an avoidant , I'm dying to hear " I love you, care about you but I won't put up with your hot and cold behaviour "...I work on myself anyway but hearing that would calm me down, I would be a lot less reactive knowing that I'm safe but I must have my act together if I want other petson to stay 💛 I admire people with boundaries 😊
Thanks!
Jake - Thank you so much! You're my first Super Thanks for a video - much appreciated
You videos came at the right time ! Sir you are amazing and God sent Thankyou for your videos 🖤
Thanks Conwald
I haven't heard things explained any better! My ex does not have a BPD dx as far as I know. She has an ADHD dx. But I am 99% sure she also has BPD. The relationship pattern is there, the traits are there, and how fucking confused and trauma bonded I was at the end (still am), they all fit too perfectly. Figured it out too late. We broke up 1/4, after I already did all the wrong things. Finally starting to understand and accept that it's over. No fancy love letter or text message or phone call is going to fix anything. The best thing I can do is leave her alone and hope that she reaches out some day. The reality is that I should not even want to go back anyways. It was unhealthy for both of us, and she treated me less than human in the end, and never thought twice about it lol! But It's so fucking hard when you can empathize their perspective. And in all honesty, I was not the best boyfriend in the world. My personal advice for anyone with a BPD partner; learn to consider their perspective, always. Because their reality is VERY different from yours. They are just like anyone else, they want to feel seen, heard and appreciated. But when they get offended, it feels much different than when you or I get offended. It's much more intense. Understand that if they hurt you, it is (usually) not intentional lol. Odds are, if you think back, you probably hurt them first and didn't realize it, and made them feel invisible. Learn to understand how powerful their emotions are! They can become physically ill because of stress, anger, etc. They have chronic pain, soreness from their body being flooded with stress hormones and emotions all the time. I will not lie, I'm 36 years old, and my ex made me feel like shit ten times over in the end. But if she walked up to me right now and wanted to get back together, I would do it without thinking (yes I need to some inner healing work)! That is the kind of power we are talking about here. My ex is a beautiful warrior/sexual goddess that fucking knows how to love someone. I will never ever forget her and how she touched my life.
Thanks Sean!
When she’s hitting you up. Remember how that twisted brain made you feel.
And they don’t even know what they did. And if you did exactly that to them, than what?
They aren't even people.
Mongoloids
Run run run life is too short. You'll waste your time with these types during the part of your life where you are at your Prime. Putting you through this, will make you look old way before your time and you'll most likely turn to food and gain weight. Next thing you know you're overweight and old and then you're going to feel like who's going to want you now if no one wanted you when you were looking your best while you were young.
And you will find yourself still old and alone while still never having met the love of your life. Do not. Don't waste your best years. You will be better off unhappy and alone rather than miserable with someone else.
BPD guy here. I apologise for the shit we do. I promise to be better.
Lies. All lies.
Haha I believe you... cus even you believe you... but it won't last. It's like u don't exist when u aren't around others... almost like a particle... when we focus on you you get un paused... and get to feel how it is to be human.. but sadly you never remember the last time you were Un paused. It must be so sad. I have empathy for your kind.. it was hard on us but must be more on you. Still wish you all find healing in this life or the next.
Thank you for this important information
Thanks Paperboy!
Amazingly informative video
Really well explained, thanks!
My ex seems to have many of the characteristics of BPD but is undiagnosed. Last week she reached out 3 times. This week has been radio silent. Is it realistic to believe you can actually win back a BPD ex and build a successful long term relationship by using no contact. There are some relationship experts that don't believe the odds are great. This is extremely painful and the fear is very very real. Trying to disappear and not pursue, but there's a big difference between portraying contentment and actually being content.
I was totally out of the blue discarded a almost 2mo ago like u said its the shock factor which makes it 10Xs worse ive been in total no contract for 2wks but by this being my 2nd go around with a woman with BL i know how dangerous it is to get close to that person again just because of the difference in thought process look at it like this you can't go into a basketball game with shoulder pads cleats and a football helmet if you're going to enter a basketball game you have to go in with the appropriate attire and if you're unable to change your mindset then you totally need to leave your BL ex alone FOREVER
This is very good guidance 🙏🏻
Wow tx you perfect explanation first time anyone had such a good explanation
This is pure gold.
Mine went from oct 2021 being. I want you forever, you’re the greatest boyfriend, always wanting to be with me , to Dec 15 2024 / the relationship was too intense it went too far. I need freedom to fix myself
She went silent until Dec 28 asked to talk then said it was a mistake she was drunk, silent until Jan 03 called me like nothing happened , called me and accused me of being outside her house .told me Jan 18 she’s feeling better without me contacting her, she was contacting me
Solid advice Coach
Without years of treatment borderlines don’t love you , your an actor in their theatre play , a prop and a stagehand, if you want to have a intimate relationship with a BPD you’ll have to change yourself for them and hand over your agency, over time it will wear you down, yes BPD are sexy , smart , charming, but I think for men it’s the sex that keeps them stuck , seriously without treatment and not 6 months or a DBT workbook that relationship will be one sided and you won’t and cannot win , you can’t fix them and can’t save them watch AJ Mahari who has over 30 years of treating borderline personality disorder, or Sam Vaknin experts in this field , it doesn’t work , I’ve had borderlines in my family and I’ve been in a relationship with one it doesn’t work and I’ve never seen one that does , again with the proper treatment maybe , but usually when they do get help they leave or you leave anyways .
Definitely do not go back to a borderline. The cycle will repeat unless they seek long term treatment. It doesn’t matter how strong or self sufficient you are. It still is more about them in the end. Is that a relationship you really want?
It, in the end, were the constant contradictions, sometimes in the same sentence, that said my future is RUN !!!!!!!! 😞
this is literally what i've just experienced, i asked her after a while of being separated if there was any chance of us being a thing again she said no chance. a week ago she said she still loved me but within this week thats passed, she found someone new. this shit sucks man :(
Great vid man
If an ex is shit talking, demonizing, throwing spaghetti the wall and see what sticks. About you to everyone. Are they doing that on purpose? And do they believe everything they say?
In the moment after they start redefining and vilifying you then yes - they can convince themselves of the things they're saying about you, even though they are conscious on some level that it isn't who you truly are.
@@CoachKen that's so weird to even comprehend. Like it is literally impossible to put yourself in that way of thinking as a neurotypical
in this video, do you talk about what to do if your ex with BPD jumped into a new relationship shortly after a breakup? Do people with BPD even rebound or is it over forever?
They definitely have a pattern of swinging back to you but it takes control to not jump back in so fast that it causes them to quickly lose interest or have the anxiety come roaring back to life. Restraint, self respect, and a constant willingness to love on without them are all needed - and even then without good counseling it's usually not a winnable situation as much as it becomes a tormenting pattern. There is hope with counseling and many times people struggling with BPD are exceptionally intelligent, sensitive, and intense - and they get a bad rap for being insincere. Usually (not always) but most of the time despite being inconsistent in terms of their feelings and beliefs about the relationship they are being very sincere.
@@CoachKen So how long would you give the new relationship? She started dating this person a month after we ended. We dated for 9 months. They've been together almost 3 months now and judging from what people have told me,, they still appear to be in the honeymoon phase. Spending lots of time together, spending lots of time with each other's family. They've been together approximately 3 months now.
@@JesseJames771 My situation is similar, you can read my post in this tread. I've seen a ton of videos on this, and what most people say is that rebound relationships usually crash and burn 85% within the first 6 months.
@@Cornelius1212 Hi man! Thanks for the reply! I guess I'm not so sure my ex is in a rebound. I'm worried it's serious. I read your story, and I think yours definitely classifies as a rebound. Wish that was the case for mine. I'm worried that since my ex and I only dated for 9 months, that she'll forget about me completely the more time she spends with the new guy. At least your relationship with your ex had a lot more time under its belt. I'm staying in NC (on day 77 right now) and just trying to improve myself, but I don't know that I'll get another chance. The holidays and all the trips they are taking seem to be bringing them closer together
@@JesseJames771 I know the hurt, because I have the same hurt. I've lost 9 kilos since the breakup, imagine how much that is. So yes I really know the hurt. Think of it like this, you're in a better position than me because you only "lost" 9 monhts. I'm feeling the lost of 3½ years of memories. She'll never forget you, because you can remember every single person you were in a relationship, and so can she. Off course that doesn't mean that she will come back. I feel your fear as well, because I really, really fear that I'll never be together with her again. She wrote me an angry message that night about me not deleting pictures of her (wrote her a goodbye love letter 2.november). I wrote her a sort reply .. "pictures deleted. Thank you for our good times and memories and thanks for the dance we had together. Take care. Goodbye X." And then blocked her. Unblocked her then day after, she haven't blocked me back. But that doesn't really mean anything. I've just chosen not to block her, because at least in that way, the pictures of us will be visible on her Facebook and thus the new Boyfriend can see those pistures as well, and he'll know that she weeks before him was in a long-term relationship. But my hope is fading and sadly my heartache is not, I'm soul destroyed because although she was in a new relationship from 1.oct. it was only this monday 5. dec. that she made it puplic and I found out, so that wound is very, very raw and bleeding.
Yea. You are right!! Especially when my wife fights back and becomes independent and strong. That's when I craaaavvveee her back and got my full obedience!!! I didn't know this until I saw this video lol
She expressed vague confusion to a close mutual friend, it's been 3 months since no contact.
I am catholic and married to her during the fairy tale phase, now she does not want to accept diagnosis, left me her values her faith and threaten to sue me if i mention her condition in the process, wich might be the only way to obtain it.
And still it will take years where i cannot get married and start a family, she completely trapped me...
I was her first relationship and After breakup she told me she only went out and kissed strangers but she lies so much it's hard to know if she did more, and this i could not accept.
After 81/2 years with her - at least 10times broke up with me & me getting her back this last break up 4 months
I tried to talk & see her any chance l got
I meet her in church 3 weeks ago we kissed & held hand 2 days later l was served with an order of protection!!
She is in AA & a victim of child abuse
Today is my birthday & honestly l want to hear from her will l take her back if she returns
Probably cause l never felt the love with anyone else l felt with her
Ken u can use this story if u like & l am still in disbelief she did this to me- us
Hi coach.
I was in a serious relationship with a bpd for almost a year now but currently on a rollercoaster mode. She’s is so amazing. She use to tell she had a rough past with her dad. She told lot of the signs of a bpd. She first broke up with me after a misunderstanding and I ignored her for 3 months and later started calling me like nothing happened. After experiencing her first switch in emotions, it was shocking but she has never disrespected me or use abusive language with me. I managed to move on but she keeps on reaching out sometimes. Honestly she’s aware there is something wrong with her but she’s not aware of anything termed as bpd. How can I help her realise what she’s going through… I feel I need to break it to her so she can seek treatment…
Advice me pls
I wish I knew this before things fell apart
It's sad. I don't even know who I'm mourning
You and me both
Can you text them that you feel devalued and disrespected? They won’t even communicate.
The key is to recognize BPD person as soon as possible and leave ASAP. Otherwise, Borderliner will cripple you.
Truth
Thank you, Ken. Thank you.
Thank you brother, for everything.
More borderline videos please
I don’t even know how healthy secure person can love a borderline.. they’re babies 👶
Because they’re people…they’re hurting because they were hurt as children and beneath all that behavior is fear. We don’t have to allow ourselves to be hurt, we need to have boundaries, but it is possible to have a relationship with them uou just have to make sure to take care of yourself too
Coach Ken, when you say we're not quite the person they idealized us to be, is it that we weren't good enough or that they would just find an excuse to devalue you regardless of who you were
yes to both - but NO ONE is capable of living up to the idealized version of who they viewed you during that initial stage
Woah...i needed to hear this....
He came back after 9 months 😢
Best of luck for all.
Did you chase at the beginning? I did it for 2 months
I love your videos ! My partner is bPD & he won’t get help doesn’t give a shit to try . So I feel I should dump him he scares me a lot his moodiness he sounds like a borderline / narc
If he doesn't care enough to get help - he doesn't care enough about you. If he's BPD or Narc without a willingness to get help (which is common) - please, let it go.
Q; due to constant contact that isn’t meaningful, telling her that we should cease contact a weak move or strong move? She finds any excuse to try instigate conversation but I did no contact for a month but I want to cease contact but want to do it with strength and not look emotional.
Its a nightmare cant get out of it.
She had just got done telling me within a week no matter what i do i am always hers no matter what i do nothing will change it and to not think about those thoughts. A week later after a blowup she fully went the opposite way after days of not talking to me ignoring me onve i showed up to talk about the issues. Later made it clear i hold no value to her for relations etc.
Great break down 💯🎯
Borderlines are fucking DANGEROUS! Do not walk away, run, as fast and far as you can. I would NEVER want to be in another relationship with someone with this illness.
Sounds like you experienced one the more toxic types - been there - will change you forever!
@@CoachKen Thank you for the response Coach! Well many years ago I was with a woman,we lived together and ended up having a kid together. It could only be enplaned as being on an emotional rollercoaster. The ups and downs were tremendous. It was very toxic. She was later diagnosed after our relationship as BPD.Luckily the kids are almost grown and I don't have to deal with her all that often.
More recently I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman who reminded me of her however, not as extreme perhaps we didn't live together. She did have a lot of amazing qualities but looking back it was quite chaotic. My mistake with her was I broke up with her and continued to see her and sleep with her. Eventually she lined up her next guy and came and had sex with me one last time and the last thing she said to me way " You are going to be mad soon"
Turns out she had plans to move in with this guy right down the street form my house as if to try to rub my nose in the hot steaming pile of shit that is her life. I haven't seen her for a while but when I do she looks so empty and almost on auto pilot. She never told me she had BPD but man she checks all the boxes. You can almost tell she is splitting when we do cross paths. The day she left is the last day we spoke. I since blocked her from contacting me and began the journey of healing. Videos like yours have helped to understand why these people are the way they are and that none of this has anything to do with me.
I began taking a long hard look at myself and why I attract these types of people and have been working to correct this. It is funny that you can't really see how awful and toxic these relationships are until your brain gets out of survival mode. I have come so far and am so proud of my progress over the past 7 months. I am close to the point of indifference thanks to the work I have put in as well as the understand from videos like yours.
These people are extreme and dangerous and once they paint you black there is no going back. I am happy to be out of that and glad she is now someone else's problem. The constant chaos and walking on eggshells as to not trigger their temper is something I never was to experience again.
Thanks for all the hard work you do to help us strangers out. It is appreciated. At this point I am ready for my next relationship to be calm mellow happy and relaxed.
Wow painful truth in this . I may as well give up and get going
me and my borderline ex of 2 years brokeup a month ago she said she doesnt love me anymore but she still shows jeolsy, curiousity and sexual tension towards me, Im not doing no contact and reaching to her with stupid questions jokes in every 3-4 days just trying to melt the ices what should I do and will this work ? can her emotions turn around she doesnt know she has this situation but I worked with experts that said she clearly has borderline controling mother suicidel thought when she was a kid, she idealized me and everything you said is accurate I just want to get her back then go treatment with her make things right I really do love her and I myself is a narcisist according to my therapist I also want to work on that and have a happy relationship that might have up and downs cause thats how I like it 😅
Have a bpd wife who's unwilling to admit she has bpd and i know shes monkey branching. I have the evidence and am going to confront her and give her the choice of who she wants to be with. If she wants to be with me great, she needs to do some work and set things up so i can verify her words as i cant trust her anymore. If she doesn't then im out. I can't deal with it anymore and i deserve better. I'll be moving halfway across the country if its over so i dont have to worry about her coming back as i opened my heart to her on a level i didnt know i was capable of and I can't handle being discarded and lied to anymore
"If she doesn't then im out." - You have the right approach; you just have to mean that - she'll likely be able to sense if you're legitimately willing and ready to walk away.
@@CoachKen yeah, I've been working on myself to get to a point where I'm willing to walk away and with my codependency and the trauma of the relationship it's definitely a work in progress. Am I there fully yet? I don't know but I'm definitely getting there. I won't have the chance to confront her until the 15th as she's out of state currently. So I'm going to keep working on me so that I can be ready.
Coach, when i was in the hospital, at my weakest, she said, i realized if you died, id get nothing. Made me feel like shit. She proposed marriage, and later when i suggested it, she rejected it. She fits bpd and even told me she was at the beginning. That comment though, thoughts?
RUN - I can give you strategies to win someone like this back but trust me when I tell you it would only be temporary - there is no winning with someone like this. Get away - rebuild and never look back is my best and only recommendation.
@CoachKen thank you. I've been torn up. I eventually left, but then found myself begging to go back. Very difficult. I'd love to talk to you for more perspective
Are pwBPD petulent subtype less likely to be jealous or have a fear of abandonment? I male I was in a 5 year relationship with strongly meets most criteria, and I suspect petulent subtype, but he was not jealous, or have a fear of abandonment, however, in the first year he broke it off 4 times after varying levels of argument. I suspect he had a fear of being let down tho.