this was literally my ex-husband and i. it destroyed our marriage 4 months in. i’m so proud of all the men watching this, seeking help, and sharing their stories. thank you dr. john for this. while my marriage couldn’t be saved, not for lack of trying on my part, i pray this saves other marriages before they even start. that is my prayer.
Question for you. Ofc it’s none of my business, but you did bring it up in a public forum. So here goes… can you share how pornography ruined your marriage? Did it replace his interest in you sexually? Or was it merely that you couldn’t tolerate his viewing it at all? There’s a matter of degree here I’m trying to understand.
Not only is he not DOING anything, but he’s upset that she doesn’t trust him. What’s frustrating is his seemingly complete lack of understanding that he PROVED he CAN’T be trusted, not just once, but over and over again. So she tells him to leave his phone and it upsets him because it means she RIGHTLY doesn’t trust him- And even HE knows she’s right. He KNOWS that it’s when he takes his phone with him into a room where she ISN’T that he falls. It might not happen every time- it might only be once every 2 or 3 months- but when it DOES happen, it happens when he takes his phone into another room. So naturally, she doesn’t want him taking his phone into another room. This guy wasn’t looking at porn in FRONT of her for heavens sake- he was looking at it when he went off by himself WITH HIS PHONE. So she’s RIGHTLY and JUSTIFIABLY asking him to leave it. He’s upset with HER for not trusting him, when he knows HIMSELF that he can’t be trusted.
@tracykeeney8931 So lets look at the other side of the coin here. Lets say it is the wife who has the porn addiction even though most women do not think that women watch porn much less can be addicted to porn. Would you be ok with him divorcing her and getting on with his life or should he stay and try to save his marriage?
@@neechee5150 First, I’m well aware that women can have porn addictions. Whether it’s the husband or the wife, that person shouldn’t be upset they’re being asked to leave their phone behind. If someone has proven they can’t be trusted, and ADMITS that they keep falling back into the addiction over and over and over again, it’s entirely unfair for them to expect a spouse to just “trust them” not to fall into it again. That’s like saying “I know I keep falling back into cutting myself, but let me take the knife into the bathroom with me. I promise I won’t use it. I know I messed up last month and cut myself, and 4 months before that and cut myself and 2 months before that and cut myself, and 3 months before that, and, and, and…. but I won’t this time. Trust me. Let me take the knife into the bathroom.” The spouse has every right to demand that the knife be left at the dinner table. “No- You need a knife to cut your steak. So you can use it at the table in front of me, but I’m not going to watch you walk off with it to go to the bathroom. No one needs a knife in the bathroom.” And only a spouse who loves you and cares about you WOULD demand that you leave it. If they didn’t care, they’d LET you take the knife into the bathroom. And why would you WANT a spouse that would let you shut yourself in a room with the instrument you’re slowly destroying yourself AND your marriage with? Second, I didn’t say she should leave him and get on with her life. Neither did Delony. I don’t know where that came from. Of COURSE they should try to save their marriage. And that’s EXACTLY what “leave your phone here” is a PART of. But eventually, if he continues to fall back into his addiction, she MAY decide she’s been trying to save their marriage long enough.
@@neechee5150 1. This person who you're replying to never said anything about leaving the marriage or divorce or anything of the sort. So you're not flipping it around; you're creating an entirely new scenario and trying to compare it to this which is completely different. 2. Speaking of _this_ situation, if the wife was hiding a porn addiction for years and relapsed and finally admitted it, of course it would be normal and acceptable for the husband to react the same way as the wife it's here. 3. If this were a situation that called for divorce, no matter the gender that would be the decision of the partner filed for divorce and yes, acceptable. Bad patterns of behavior are bad no matter the gender. I'm sure why you're asking these questions.
I don’t think it’s that she “can’t get over the past” but more a disfunction of the present. Porn goes w lying, impulsiveness, and a slew of other behaviors that make for an immature husband. She feels dismissed, and not prioritized.
Congrats to this man for calling in and asking for help. Next step is for him to actually start doing the right things. I wish the best for his wife, she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way this guy is treating her.
In my recovery program, we called these things our ‘outer circle’ - things that draw us out of self-focus n spiral, and instead help ourselves and others. Reading a great book. Going to a movie n coffee w a friend. Serving at a charity. Meditation. Expressing gratitude for things (addictions usually feed on selfishness/focusing on problems. God help this caller. God help me.
6:12 is a HUGE point to listen to for anyone who thinks they have an issue with sex addiction... if you find that porn "soothes" you , THINK about what is happening. This was one lightning bolt moment for me when i began to admit my issues. You are tuning to something that is made to stimulate you and it is soothing you... thats how you know its a "Drug" and you're USING it... Good luck everyone.. God Bless
Porn is bad. I’m so happy I don’t watch it. 7 years not once watched it. Now I’m no saint. I had my addictions. I am an alcoholic and former pill popper. God is good. Keep it up everyone.
As someone who got dumped because I set porn as a NO in any romantic relationship I feel for the woman. As a woman myself if I ever encounter another romantic partner and he watches it behind my back (I am always upfront about porn and I am highly against it in a relationship also I do no consume it) it would make me feel unloved and insecure and I always compared myself to those women in the videos. Get in mind I am still young go to the gym 5-6 times a week, eat really well and I do get approached by men, I do not consider myself ugly. However, I feel so ugly if a man im romantically involved with watches it. It ruins my self esteem and my confidence is gone! I have never felt so ugly until my ex dumped me for it. Men have given me so many excuses as "its just physical its not even real and im thinking of you doing it" then why dont you imagine me doing it??? So many men have left me and I am just realizing A LOT and I mean A LOT of men regularly watch it. Having cats isnt so bad ... Ill definitely get a British short hair.
I feel the same.. But what i hate the most, is people normalize it.. even in relationship.. So when i told my girl friends about it.. their are like.. its ok, you have to accept that your man watches it or you will be alone..
The normalization of porn is terrifying. It's disgusting. When a man looks at porn, it reflects what's in his heart and it's the opposite of purity, just lust. It's viewing at women in such an undignified manner. So when he'll look at you he'll also look at you as a piece of flesh for pleasure, and not a whole person with a soul. It's a tragedy that it's destroying so many men (and women), it poisons their imagination, their perception. Btw British shorthair are great 😃👍
@@ivamrazik9788 I’ve dropped a friend literally cut her off my life because of that argument. I will say it will be difficult to find a man like that but they do exist! I believe they do due to male family members present in my life. What’s even crazier when I was young starting college I had no issue with it and didn’t care but now that I’m older i do care haha
Why his wife isn't in to him? She feels used, like she just a receptacle, he's made her feel self conscious when she didn't before, she wonders if he's lusting after that lady that just walked by them on the street, so now she has anxiety and resents him for that. She also wonders how deep his perversions go now due to porn escalations. Oh yeah and also, men on porn treat you like crap so there's that too.
Competition anxiety is a great thing for both men and women. If you’re worried about your man leaving for another woman, you’re either slacking off or married out of your league. I assure you that every straight man with a pulse is lusting after other women. It doesn’t matter if they’re married, taken, or single. And that’s everyone from the pastor down to the gravedigger.
@@staleydu1 these stories are all the same. Ask any woman with a husband who does this. It's always the same. That's what makes it so darn sad. Look at the 👍 button. We are in this sadness together. If a man cared he would see how it hurts his wife and change.
@@Evil-Rod-Farvathat is what most men don’t understand too. It is natural for a woman to be s3xually attracted to other men even if she is married. Women don’t become as3xual if a better looking guy comes along. That is one of the reasons that women che*at and leave marriages. It is natural for this to happen too. Men should stop victimising themselves over things which are beyond their control.
There are lots of SA recovery groups in St. George. They are online. Give them a call and guaranteed they’ll extend an invitation. John is right, do something
Don’t get married if you can’t focus on your partner alone sexually if that’s both of your goals. If someone isn’t enough for you then they arent for you.
Then most people would not get married. Most people do not have access to the people they really want and they settle for what's around and what they can get. What they end up with will never really satisfy them and its nothing that can be done about it, this is why many men turn to porn, to get a release and satisfaction they can 't get from who they are with. Most women cannot actually fully satisfy a man's sexual appetite which was not created for just one woman, monogamy is man made. porn can be the lesser of a lot of evils...
if he is porn/misogyny addicted.,..well "addiction" is a continuously relapsing disease and it is very likely that you will continually relapse over time and continuously find it a mental struggle to abstain or maybe sporadically over time. So you're right, going to recovery does not mean one is recovered that's for sure
I needed this today for me, and I'm not a porn addict. Dr. John's recommendation to change things instead of just thinking about the problem, to get up and DO, was just what I needed to hear. Here's to making it different. My health issues may keep me from checking everything off the list, but I WILL check something off.
It's not. That's just like saying coffee or sugar is evil. It's stupid. Some people just have problems with them and others dont. Just recognize you have a problem, take responsibility and fix it. Once you start demonizing something you ruin it for other responsible people who partake in whatever that thing is.
@Berserk1Manga You cannot convince me that porn and the porn industry isn't ruining people. Men and women are affected by that awful, disgusting industry.
@@charliedeegan1598 some people get it worse than others like for example with porn there could be a guy that jerks off to porn 10 times a day and is ruining and wasting his life but say somebody who jerks off to relax and go to bed at night and wakes up in the morning and goes about his buisness but i agree porn is defiently evil in many aspeects and effects a lot of people
@@Berserk1Mangawhen the vast majority of people are negatively affected by something, that thing is not good. full stop. the analogy we can make here is to cigarettes. yes there are people like my great grandfather who smoked until they were 90 with no health problems. should we still discourage smoking as much as possible? yes as its negative responses in people far out weigh the positive responses.
@@staydismantling9354lol there’s no benefit to porn. It can affect you mentally and physically. If you’re Christian it’s a sin. This world tries to normalize it. Make it okay and normal and it’s not. It’s not normal
This kind of addiction is so so tough. I’ve been there. Fortunately getting married was like a “reset” of sorts and my desire for porn and sexual sin really dropped and it isn’t a huge temptation anymore. However, my wife is an incredible partner in kicking the addiction. If I had to defeat it alone, there’s no way. I tried that for years as a single guy. We were honest about these struggles before marriage and now in marriage she is kind and forgiving when I screw up and always there to encourage and hold me accountable. Finally, after years of struggle I’ve moved past it and it’s because of my wife. I still might have a thought or a temptation, but then I think of her and asking for her forgiveness after I sin and it becomes much easier to push that thought out and refocus.
Mine would think I was hinting that it’s about him. Tho if I’m not in the mood he’ll go take care of himself. So he looks at porn. Only difference is he plays more video games than porn and he still wants me and doesn’t cheat. Thankfully he’s not as crazed as this guy.
I'm female. If you know porn is entertainment and you watch once in awhile, there's nothing wrong with it. You can learn new things to try with your partner.
@@arfriedman4577 Educate yourself. There a tons of studies over decades proving that p* is harmful to men specifically. What you're saying is ridiculous. That's like telling an alcoholic to just have a couple. They can't. That's the point. He has an addiction.
@@zammymynakersnackstbmoth People are so programmed to think it's perfectly ok/fine/good. Like, you're still an individual who can decide what to do and what not to do. But the fact so many people are absolutely uneducated when it comes to this is baffling.
She feels cheated. He isn't who she thought she married. It happened to me. Should have dealt with it before getting married. If he doesn't get help soon, and faithfully, she will leave him. She may seem understanding for a little while, but not for much longer.
So when a woman gains weight does a man get to say "Thats not the woman I married" and leave? Women get to play this card but when men do it we are villified.
Porn is not a valid reason to leave a spouse if they are working to do better… it’s crazy when people are shocked men struggle with this when like 75% of men struggle with it… it’s a gross overreaction
Clearly, he wanted Dr. Delony to fix his wife and her "issues" with his porn use. It's very common for addicts to blame the people around them for not being "forgiving" enough. He obviously has no intention of doing what he has to do to deal with himself - at least not at this point. Maybe he will after she divorces him.
Exactly. Like it's not our job to stick by them and forgive them when they do the minimum effort to stop it. I'm not ruining my mental health for anyone lol
Cool let us jerk off in piece and leave then. Marriage is a favor to yaw not us. Keep crying where all the real men at. Real men beat they meat like it owe’s them money
In my experience porn has been so normalized that the ones who feel uncomfortable with it are the ones made out to be the problem. To each their own but values need to match or be met both ways in any relationship for it to work. And like others have said, when you know what goes on in the porn industry it’s enough to make me cringe and be turned off to be completely honest instead of turn me on.
That is insane. I pray for you and I pray he gets out of that sexual bondage. I’m not sure if my wife will help me but I’m praying she does. I’ve done good so far, we are separated as of October. Living separate. No sex. Not much touch. So since found it’s way in to me. No excuse. I should’ve asked my men’s group for help. I’m doing all I can at this point as I know it won’t be okay with my wife, or is she chooses to leave any woman of faith won’t put up with it either. Sexual bondage is a terrible part of this world!
I wish I could talk to John about this. This sounds like it would be my spouse. He substitute his pn watching with alcohol and video games. I’m not saying he is a horrible person but it doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t want to be vulnerable with him anymore because when I do I become a villain and he says he feels attacked but he would get mad and start yelling. He hasn’t done much to change and I don’t think he wants to to be honest. I notice that the more I stress over it and obsess over it I get depressed and start feeling lonely. I feel like I’ve been letting things fall through the cracks and my kids deserve the best version of me. I deserve the best version of me. I’m trying to get me together and even though I love my spouse I don’t feel I can trust them. I know I can’t fully trust him.
Just bc you love your spouse doesn't mean you should stay. He is robbing you of your greatest gift - the experience of a happy and peaceful motherhood. You WILL resent him SO much once the kids are adults and move on with their life. If you are financially dependent on him I would divorce him in your heart, focus on the kids and figuring out how you can become financially independent one day. Then I'd divorce him for real. Try to keep a good relationship between him and the kids. Take whatever he'll give them assuming it's within your parental guidelines. They don't need to be brought in the middle. It's healthy for kids to see their parents as good people and to believe they are loved by both (even if you end up not being able to stand him). Obviously he doesn't love you how he claimed to love you before you married. I know it hurts but after accepting this reality it gets easier. He isn't capable of real love. He's probably got narcissistic personality disorder. Or he's running from his own abusive past and needs to choose to deal with it.
You need to go to a support group for addicts. Because your husband is an addict and he doesn't want to change. Listen. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself. I know he is your husband and for better and for worse. But.... consider this ,as long as he has people enabling him, and keeping him from hitting rock bottom, then he has no reason to change. His actions are hurting his own children and he doesn't see that. As you keep trying to save him from drowning he is dragging you and your children down with him. You have to cut the string and save yourself and your children. This is ultimantly for his own good as well. You are saving him from himself by drawing the line in the sand and sticking to it if he is not willing to change. It's a terrible sin to harm his own children and spouse. If he continues down this path he will only get worse verbuly and emotionally. Neglect is abuse. Sometimes true love is tough love. Avoiding the tough conversations for fear he will hate you is a form of cowardess and even somewhat selfish. You would rather keep him at your side liking you, then risk him leaving you. Even if he desperetly needs to hear what you have to say.
Quick question: I this issue is causing so much tension and strife within your household, why not divorce and move on with your life? Also, please don’t use your kids as an excuse, I’ve never met one person who said I’m glad my parents stayed together, living together pretending to be happy just for me.
It seems like you take his addiction like it's personal. I have been there and it is exhausting and creates so much disconnect with your significant other. It's his demon he has been struggling with, for probably many years and before you came along. He didn't do it at the start to intentionally hurt you, no he has a compulsive obsessive disorder that he can't control. Yes it's upsetting and disappointing that he lies and lives in denial that his addiction is affecting your relationship. Both of you are behaving like victims and constantly on the defense, you both see each other as a threat. You are not a team ready to confront the issue hence it is just going to be power struggle constantly. That is not a way for both of you. If he doesn't want to do anything about it, then do the only thing you are in control of and it is to heal the betrayal you have experienced and grieve that your relationship is not what you thought it was. Also rather than attacking, (we all attack when we feel hurt), learn to express yourself so you can be heard by being vulnerable. (Being vulnerable doesn't blame or criticize the other person). Most of us haven't learned to be vulnerable, learn as much as so you can have a safer more connected life with the person you live with.
A man who struggles with porn shouldn't be in a relationship. It's unfair on any woman. Porn use doesn't allow you to be present mentally, psychologically, sexually, physically, or spiritually. Everything.
Do you hold women who use porn to the same standards? Women tend to get treated with much more compassion and leniency when it is the woman who is the porn viewer.
@@CyeOutsider Whether there are more than men that women who are "addicted" to porn is not the issue. @wilcoxtam810 said that a MAN who struggles with porn should not be in a relationship and if he/she has a standard for men if he/she does not have that same standard for women that person is by definition duplicitous and sexist. We do know that women are the fastest growing porn market in the world. We also know that the rate of porn use among women has been dramatically increasing over the past 20 years. and every sign points to that rate continuing to increase at an dramatic rate. We do know that women under the age of 30 are using porn as a means of sex education (given how accessible legitimate sex ed materials are on line this is no excuse) and that these women are imponsing porn driven standards of penis size and sexual performance on men. Women have complained about men imposing porn driven standards on them but women have proven to be no better in this regard. From a study and release of data from Porn Hub we see some very interesting trends and data. First, the rate of porn use by women in the US is 33% + and the rate of porn use by women raises dramatically to 50% + in other nations. We also see from the Porn Hub study that women search for the more/most violent and more /most hard core porn at a MUCH HIGHER RATES THAN DO MEN. This is very telling.
@@CyeOutsider I’d almost say that women are more promiscuous than men. They’re also the ones providing this absolutely predatory content to our men and little boys( unless it’s against their will, which is a problem too) Absolutely women should be held accountable as well. It’s truly evil and everyone partaking in these behaviors is damaging other people. :(
This is the video I wish I watched before my ex left me. I was like the caller. I wanted to find all this help but I was afraid of failing. Afraid that my ex will just see me as a failure. Therapy now has helped me see that. This video just resonates with me so much right now. I’m sad my ex left but I understand why she left. I’m happy to have made progress in my life to be a better person. Be happier in my own skin. I’m not perfect but I know I’m trying to be better everyday and that makes me smile. Whoever is going through the same thing just know you can do it. Real failure is not trying. Learn from my mistakes
I'm so sorry he's struggled with this evil addiction 😢 And I feel sorry for his wife too. Just as an encouragement: my husband used to have an issue with porn and he cried out to God to heal him from it and He did! Having accountability is very helpful, too. Sending up a prayer for you, caller ❤🙏🏻
@Dominick John Spano Any addiction is evil.. it drains you, takes time away from your life where you can be more productive and causes you to experience such high levels of dopamine for such little effort that the regular activities you used to enjoy become less enjoyable thus leading to depression, it causes you to view the people on the screen as no longer people but tools to gratify your selfishness.. it's pretty close to evil
@@john1425 I agree. As a single guy at the immediate moment I have desires. We all do. If you satisfy them 30 timed a day sure that is a serious issue. But it is natural and normal.
I have not yet one man who actively does not watch it (romantically). They do exist because I have brothers who refuse to watch it and male family members but its bleak. LOL 😆 I have legit given up on dating. A few slip ups what ever were human but especially gen z men they watch it a lot!!!
Very very few. 99% of men watch it. Maybe 5-10% are willing to give it up for you. Why should they? Most all men don’t see women as people they see them as objects to satisfy their sexual needs and with so many women freely giving it out, why should they bother having any respect for women, women don’t respect themselves.
my husband watched as a teen, but he broke the habit before we got together. That was a must for me. If he stopped only because I asked him to, I would always be afraid of him slipping back into it. Made a big difference that he recognized it as detrimental for and to himself. If you mean guys who have **never** watched porn, I don't think there's many out there nowadays. But plenty have turned against it or matured out of it.
Never will understand people who don't take action or try anything when they know their life is in ruins and everyone tells them they should be changing their behavior and they just don't. It's frustrating dealing with those people.
My husband got angry and said he will divorce me if I bring it up. He thinks I'm being stupid. We don't have intimacy and this whole situation is depressing me. I feel like there's no hope for us. He is only making me depressed and resentful. I'm so sad 😢 26 years down the drain. I gave up so much for him including having kids. I'm 41 and no one is gonna want me now. 😢
If he has social media keep an eye on that too because we have ever accountable after battling this for a while then my husband realized he wasn't getting flagged for pornographic stuff on Facebook and just went to town for a couple of months before I noticed him looking at the stuff on Facebook RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The fact that this happened even with having Ever Accountable for 6 years I think I'm about ready to call it quits. I just can't escape the feeling of deep betrayal and pain. I feel like it will never completely stop and I can't take it anymore. Makes me feel horrible about myself and feel like I don't know this person I fell in love with.
@@msmissy1744 I'm so sorry to hear this. Is he getting help? He should look into SAA (which is what I'm in) /PA/get a CSAT - something. I know it's hard to believe, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's just addicted to pornography. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't stand up for what are your boundaries.
@@herfirstmate he did sign up for SAA online. I hope he follows through with it though. He also started to watch and read articles on what porn addiction does to the brain and doing some "Helping her heal" program. So he does recognize that it's a problem and I know he loves me but it's tearing me apart. I'm so scared that we'll constantly have to deal with these relapses. We've been to counseling a couple of different times for this and have ever accountable but sometimes I feel like this will never end no matter what we do. I don't know what to do. I feel caught between the feeling of needing to escape to protect myself from this pain or stay because I love him (he's my best friend) and hope and pray it stops.
@@msmissy1744praying for you and him. I ask the Heavenly Father to help him break free of the sexual bandage, God I ask you put that in his heart and his mind. I ask that give him the courage to lay his sin down at your feet for healing. God I also ask you to guide his wife and protect her heart over this dark season. In your heavenly name I pray!! I too struggled with porn, then thought I could get away with just looking at women, lustfully. It’s all the same in a sense. I cried out to God and have given it all to him. It hasn’t been hard other than being lonely for me and wanting my wife’s love. We are separated and not intimate. Have been since October so I filled that void with lust, instead of God.
What if they stop using porn but now look and super suggestive videos on TH-cam? Ex. See though shirts w hard nipples making sandwiches or doing construction w barely anything on or workout videos w positions that are super sexual…. It’s all the same to me, gives you the same feeling right. It’s a struggle in our relationship and it makes me feel an inch tall. And makes me want to not touch him or want him. And I do want him. It’s literally the only thing wrong in our relationship. It makes me obsessed with what he is doing when I’m not around. It’s hurtful. We have set boundaries and he says he doesn’t need it or get anything out of it. So why does he need it? Because he’s been jerking off since he’s 12. I mean come on, I’m right here.
Dr. D. Telling him to just rid of his phone might just encourage him to find it other places. It can unintentionally lead to an escalation. There are so many other ways to access porn. The harder he trying to get ahold of this the more it can slip through his fingers. It’s that slimy. He needs to wash his hands and everybody needs their own soap. Good luck kid. Just don’t give up. Your wife needs to know you’re committed to working on it with or without her. Because you want to be clean. It’s nice to be clean for her. But you need to be clean for you. So pray to know how you need to work on it individually and just never give up. This is not a one fix thing. You can do it.
Same with my husband, he lied to me. I married him unaware of his addiction and ok, he says he did put a stop on it. But how can I trust his word on that? I told him clearly that porn was a big no for me and he guaranteed he wouldn’t watch it at all. After we married I found out even in our great honeymoon days he was on porn looking for blondes and older women, which totally differ from me. Well, well, in the depths of my heart I just wish I could run or disappear. These men nowadays are lost, but I could care less if I was not married to one of them. You like prostitutes and lust, embrace yourself and go to hell with them. I am so depressed to know my 4 months marriage was build in a lie.
This is why pornography should be highly regulated..like narcotics. It’s a downward spiral. It’s definitely the “gateway”drug to more deviant behavior.
It's already getting out of control with AI. Tons of creeps are creating images with AI that would picture underaged girls ( 11- 15yo) in the explicit manner. But hey, it's "just a fantasy" right? It not real. It's not physical act. Where do we draw the line?
Everyone needs friends. Your partner definitely should be your best friend, I agree. But we need more friends than just your partner. You can't gatekeep your partner and rob them of connections, when we need connections to have good mental health.
I'm from st George, ride your bike down snow canyon or along the trail parallel to the road from dammeron valley to St George. It's thrillingly gorgeous.
I'm a woman in a 12 year relationship with a man and i really don't understand what the problem with porn is. Most people watch it from time to time. Men, women, doesn't matter. If I am out of the house and he feels like watching it, sure, why not? Same goes the other way around. We still have a good and stable intimate life. We even talk about it sometimes. It's not a secret. And to be honest, if the only need my partner has outside of our intimate life is to have some private time with himself, why would i shun that?
It's not your wife's job to learn to trust you. It's your job to become a trustworthy man. Tht comes through consistent trustworthy behavior. If you keep relapsing thn she will never be able to trust you
Calling it an 'addiction' is so moronic, I'm sorry. All of these so called addicts who can't leave their knobs alone sound about 12 years old. "Having an argument is my trigger to needing a wank", urgh. Why do they put up with that.
Everyone is sitting here trying to throw this man under the bus for admitting to have a problem. There are many things that go the other way too. Their partners and at least they are talking about it. All these keyboard Warriors would have everyone break up with everyone.
Some men need a push. Not making excuses for this guy. But sometimes only hearing your wife give you advice doesn’t seem to do much for a guy. But having a fellow man, talk sense to him might lead to some change. Hope this guy turns it around. And then hugs his wife and never lets her go after she forgives him, provided she sees real change.
I'm so relieved. I'd heard 3 horrible calls of John's today, with advice that endangered the guy imo, but this was great! Terrific! Note perfect! I don't gotta break up with him after all :))
People give up way too easily. You can see in the comments most people say "Just break up. Do it now." kind of thing. Faithfulness is not just a one way street. And it's not just regarding sex.
My husband is the same way but far worse off with porn. He is white knuckling it now. We started on this porn ridding journey 2 years ago. He has gotten off of it but has latched onto another addiction. I mean it’s not any substance if any sort but still. He is on his laptop all waking hours. Constantly. He has completely shut out me and our family because he thinks he has to have constant entertainment stimulation. He does this to keep his mind off of porn but it is just as bad. He is permanently in a fantasy state to avoid reality. He did see a therapist twice but all he did was blame me and want me to stfu and get over it. And that he doesn’t wish to spend the last remaining years of his life (he is 61) doing this and that he would rather spend it enjoying his life. And now whenever I tell him to go back to a therapist he tells me he already tried that and I had n issue with it. Well yeah I did because he took no personal accountability for his actions.
@@fpm3121 I wish I could leave or make him leave but I can’t due to finances and obligations. Trust me if there was any way to make it work I would but I can’t. Not right now anyway. But I am actively working on it so I can.
1. Do you have to join a 12 step group for a youtube female model habit you want to stop when you don't want to consider yourself as having an addiction or disease now and for the rest of your life or want to go around identifying as an addict and other disempowering ways of self image? Are there other options? It is the disease model of addiction I am not wanting to be a part of. 2. I see a soul coach twice a week online.
It’s not as easy to substitute your addiction with something good. It usually results in something else that’s not necessarily good to take the place of your addiction. Eating is a common thing. Porn gives a release of endorphins so it’s about finding something else that makes you feel good to take it’s place. Preferably something that is also good for you.
Some of this comments are atrocious. A man speaks openly about his problem and admits it and some women still have the need to put him down. If this have been a female I believe there wouldnt be that much negative comments!
Ugh. People in Utah and their addictions to everything that isn’t alcohol or drugs. Hope he can replace the behavior with a good way to self medicate of this is harming his marriage. Great advice from Dr. John.
What do you mean by “their addictions”. Are those outside of Utah not addicted to non-alcohol/drugs vices? Sounds like a. Over generalization statement to me.
@@sethkearl8056 I grew up in the Mormon community and lived in Utah for 10 yrs. Yes, it is a generalizaron of that community that is actually supported by statistics and data. People living Utah and in the Mormon community especially know what I’m talking about. The community usually have addiction issues unique to their community. I shouldn’t said Mormon but didn’t want to call them out, but since you asked. If you’re from Utah, Mormon or not, they’ll know what I was talking about.
It might be nothing for him, but for her it could be trauma. Trauma comes in different forms to people, and people should not just invalidate it as “the past.” It’s insensitive.
Internet is a major curse for relationships! Also boys need to be educated about the harms of masturbation and porn since their teenage days, instead of normalising it, so they don't ruin their own life and later their partner's
My God, porn has become a disease for almost all men. Yikes, no wonder so many women become man haters. This is an epidemic. Why are so many men so weak in this area? I just caught my boyfriend of almost 4 yrs hiding it behind my back. Im still in shock. I feel crazy. One minute, I can be around him acting normal. As soon as something sexual at all comes up, Im immediately reminded and have so much rage towards him, I literally despise him and want to walk away. I know Im not dealing with it internally. Because I feel ok as long as I don't think about it. Once Im reminded, all bets are off. 😢 Im avoiding it because I can't function knowing the truth, and I freak the hell out bad. Im going thru therapy for childhood abuse and past partners who abused me, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If I think about it, I feel I will lose my mind. I had a horrible father who was a porn addict and womanizer and a criminal. I have never had a real bond with any man in my entire life. Im 50 yrs old now. My boyfriend is gonna do sessions with my therapist. If it doesm't work with him, I will never enter another relationship because I will not trust another man as long as I live. I will find a friend with benefits when I feel the need (if I ever do feel the need again). I lost all hope, and I carry so much inside. I will never get over it. Im not kidding. This porn addition is an epidemic. They literally feel they have the right to view it no matter how it makes most women feel. I can't believe how out of control it has gotten. I will no longer fight to keep a boy who can't control his urges. How could so many men be this horrible? Im officially a man hater.
My brother's. My dudes. I so promise you, going without porn is like you never knew it. Find a partner, be Honest, Open minded and Willing (HOW) and you'll wana save yourself for you, and no one else
The Bible tells us exactly how to deal with this. If your right hand offends you, cut it off. It is better to lose that hand than keep letting it offend. Something like that. So it’s no more internet away from work. You have to be willing to do that.
As a single guy the issue is that porn is in a sense extremely readily available. I am 37. When I was a teenager really the only porn available was Playboy. Now it is in the palm of your hands at all times. I have gotten into porn a little to much at times. I think all single guys have to be candid. He is married, but whatever have you. IDK porn clearly isn't as good as the real thing. Shy away from it, at least curb it. I know it isn't that easy.
@@tyleralger6083 I don't disagree but I am a single man with an intense job at the immediately moment on a low budget and no time to date. End of long PhD program. I am not sticking up for porn for sure, but it isn't the worst thing ever for guy like to watch it every once and again.
Addiction is an escape hatch, started as a distracting activity that brought pleasure over pain or discomfort, they let it become a habit that turned into a compulsive obsessive disorder for some. Some people don't want or have a difficult time to deal with a void, uncomfortable emotions. Often they have a hard time with self love and self acceptance or miss understand what self love/ acceptance means. Men are very visual and sexual, so when their brain is looking for pleasure over pain, that they need to distract themselves of reality , responsibility, fantasy/ porn is a very accessible and often free platform to boost their dopamine. Many men still love their wife dearly and have great relationships but still succumb to the temptation of lust.
You made a typo in "we have an unresolved pain and trauma, so we turn to escapism in a form of substance and porn instead of facing uncomfortable emotions"
This exact thing happened to me. My husband was dishonest about his pornography habits and I found out after we were married. I was very forthcoming that I didn’t want to be with someone that struggled with it. I see a lot of women in the comments talking about how it’s a similar situation to them, and they divorced. I decided not to leave. Despite it hurting me very deeply and causing a huge issue in our marriage. For years we struggled with this, his reoccurring use, my insecurities that were crippling.. But we didn’t walk away, we didn’t give up. I have never seem a husband more devoted and loyal than my own. I stayed with him in his darkness; I loved him, I sat in the deep dark hole with him. Did I think about leaving a lot, yes of course. But I needed to remove that I was the “victim of this” and he was the perpetrator of it. He was always a victim of a horrid industry from a very young age. He was addicted, and ashamed. He didn’t do it, and then act happy about it. There was always deep shame and remorse accompanied by it. Rather than shaming these men, walking away and telling them they’re unworthy… love them. It’s different if it continues with no remorse, with no willingness to change or if there is a situation where he thinks it’s acceptable or blames you. But women, examine how youre reacting too.. says a lot about you.
I don't think women fully appreciate the ridiculous levels of hormones that men have. I agree that it's not good, but I really don't think you'd be concerned about your marriage if you understood WHY us men do this. Imagine having 1000 mosquito bites and not scratching a single one until they healed. And then doing that day after day after day. Men don't "scratch" because they aren't happy or don't love. We do it because we literally carry around two pingpong balls full of intensively powerful hormones. I totally agree that it's a terrible habit and shouldn't be apart of a marriage, but don't think that there's anything emotional or romantic about it. It's purely mechanical. Sure it's a lack of self control and morally wrong, but it's really shouldn't be suprising. A good rule of thumb is that your typical man has about 10-20x the libido in comparison to a typical woman.
My ex fiancé went on to view CP. His addiction has spiralled so bad it was the only thing that ‘worked’ for him he’d become so desensitised. I was 5 months pregnant at the start of lockdown when he was arrested for it. No one had a clue what he was up to, not me, his family or friends. There’s no way I could stay with someone who’d some that, who’d lied and done something so cruel and despicable. What does that say about me then? If that works for you and you’re prepared to stand by your husband then that’s your choice. I wish you all the best, but you don’t get to tell other women how to act in this situation.
@@Rosieblue111 …. Watching CP and my situation is extremely different. My husband violated my vows, not the law. I’d never advocate for anyone to condone or accept that type of behaviour and content. I’d call the police myself. I really don’t understand how you even drew a similarity to these situations. However, women want to encourage others to leave spouses when porn addiction is discovered and yet when a women says… maybe try staying the response is “don’t tell other women how to respond”.
Porn is a nasty addiction. Its on going to be a massive isssue as millennials and gen z folks are seeking relationships. Having porn at your finger tips is like having access to self replicating cocaine.
Ok. So porn ruined the trust, sense of safety and my sexual self worth in my past marriage. Every now and again I'd get the "confession talk" that was going to knife-edge in the heart. I was too nieve then, but this time in my present relationship I made my beautiful fella SWEAR that if he ever "slipped and indulged" that he could confession to anyone (God/mate ect) but NEVER BURDEN ME WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. Its his private business and I'll trust assume he's not doing anything! I don't want access to a grown man's computer/phone. The agony of finding out has gone. Men cannot comprehend the pain of this for women, the sense of betrayal and your sense of worthlessness to hear your man is lasting after young perfect women. He is so respectful of me around other women. I have nothing but peace now, and my sexuality has slowly been restored. Men, shut the hell up. Don't dump it on her shoulders or do it where it is possible for her to discover your betrayal of her.
@EM-KeepingtheFaith said "Men cannot comprehend the pain of this for women, the sense of betrayal and your sense of worthlessness to hear your man is lasting after young perfect women" Do you think that it hurts men any less when their wife/gf uses porn on a daily basis? Do you think that men are any less betrayed by their wife/GF using porn? Do you think that women comprehend the pain they cause their BF/husbands when the wife/gf is using porn? Very rarely do women recieve the same level of condemnation for doing the exact same bad thing as a man. YOu see this all the time when women have affairs. The first thing they do is to blame the man for not doing X,Y and Z or doing A, B or C. Where as when men cheat women just want to punish him and whether literally or figuratively castrate him
Women struggle with porn too. We just never talk about it. You don't want your friends to see you differently. That's the trap. Reality is they probably struggle just as much as you. I have noticed the times I'm tempted most is when I feel the most lonely. I like how he said to replace it with another action like lifting weights.
she "won't let go of your past porn issues" because they aren't past issues, dude.
🙌😂👏 FACTS!
Exactly
this was literally my ex-husband and i. it destroyed our marriage 4 months in. i’m so proud of all the men watching this, seeking help, and sharing their stories. thank you dr. john for this. while my marriage couldn’t be saved, not for lack of trying on my part, i pray this saves other marriages before they even start. that is my prayer.
Question for you. Ofc it’s none of my business, but you did bring it up in a public forum. So here goes… can you share how pornography ruined your marriage? Did it replace his interest in you sexually? Or was it merely that you couldn’t tolerate his viewing it at all? There’s a matter of degree here I’m trying to understand.
@@tshandy1 you can absolutely ask. it replaced his interest in me.
@@melindawhite347 - Well, that's not cool.
4 months?? Doesn't seem like much effort was put into it in that short amount of time.
@@pschieuer1 correct. not on his part.
Not only is he not DOING anything, but he’s upset that she doesn’t trust him. What’s frustrating is his seemingly complete lack of understanding that he PROVED he CAN’T be trusted, not just once, but over and over again. So she tells him to leave his phone and it upsets him because it means she RIGHTLY doesn’t trust him- And even HE knows she’s right. He KNOWS that it’s when he takes his phone with him into a room where she ISN’T that he falls. It might not happen every time- it might only be once every 2 or 3 months- but when it DOES happen, it happens when he takes his phone into another room. So naturally, she doesn’t want him taking his phone into another room. This guy wasn’t looking at porn in FRONT of her for heavens sake- he was looking at it when he went off by himself WITH HIS PHONE. So she’s RIGHTLY and JUSTIFIABLY asking him to leave it. He’s upset with HER for not trusting him, when he knows HIMSELF that he can’t be trusted.
@tracykeeney8931 So lets look at the other side of the coin here. Lets say it is the wife who has the porn addiction even though most women do not think that women watch porn much less can be addicted to porn. Would you be ok with him divorcing her and getting on with his life or should he stay and try to save his marriage?
@@neechee5150 First, I’m well aware that women can have porn addictions. Whether it’s the husband or the wife, that person shouldn’t be upset they’re being asked to leave their phone behind. If someone has proven they can’t be trusted, and ADMITS that they keep falling back into the addiction over and over and over again, it’s entirely unfair for them to expect a spouse to just “trust them” not to fall into it again. That’s like saying “I know I keep falling back into cutting myself, but let me take the knife into the bathroom with me. I promise I won’t use it. I know I messed up last month and cut myself, and 4 months before that and cut myself and 2 months before that and cut myself, and 3 months before that, and, and, and…. but I won’t this time. Trust me. Let me take the knife into the bathroom.” The spouse has every right to demand that the knife be left at the dinner table. “No- You need a knife to cut your steak. So you can use it at the table in front of me, but I’m not going to watch you walk off with it to go to the bathroom. No one needs a knife in the bathroom.”
And only a spouse who loves you and cares about you WOULD demand that you leave it. If they didn’t care, they’d LET you take the knife into the bathroom. And why would you WANT a spouse that would let you shut yourself in a room with the instrument you’re slowly destroying yourself AND your marriage with?
Second, I didn’t say she should leave him and get on with her life. Neither did Delony. I don’t know where that came from. Of COURSE they should try to save their marriage. And that’s EXACTLY what “leave your phone here” is a PART of. But eventually, if he continues to fall back into his addiction, she MAY decide she’s been trying to save their marriage long enough.
@@neechee5150
1. This person who you're replying to never said anything about leaving the marriage or divorce or anything of the sort. So you're not flipping it around; you're creating an entirely new scenario and trying to compare it to this which is completely different.
2. Speaking of _this_ situation, if the wife was hiding a porn addiction for years and relapsed and finally admitted it, of course it would be normal and acceptable for the husband to react the same way as the wife it's here.
3. If this were a situation that called for divorce, no matter the gender that would be the decision of the partner filed for divorce and yes, acceptable.
Bad patterns of behavior are bad no matter the gender. I'm sure why you're asking these questions.
@@dahliacheung6020he has a guilty conscience
I'd let him go. I will not babysit in my marriage. You're either a grown adult and accountable or bye.
“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” is a Bible verse from James 4:7 in the King James Version
But we can’t run forever and we arnt perfect
What a stupid quote.
I don’t think it’s that she “can’t get over the past” but more a disfunction of the present. Porn goes w lying, impulsiveness, and a slew of other behaviors that make for an immature husband. She feels dismissed, and not prioritized.
yup!
Somehow porn = all that stuff lmao reaching
@@AaronD313 Healthy people don’t reach for unhealthy coping mechanisms.
@@ThingsILove2266 who says it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism?
@@AaronD313 Many of the viewers here who view is as unhealthy bc it’s not God’s design.
Congrats to this man for calling in and asking for help. Next step is for him to actually start doing the right things. I wish the best for his wife, she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way this guy is treating her.
I agree completely, can you believe some people think he should divorce her over this like she did something wrong?!
@@juliavie7278and plenty of people calling for the opposite. The man needs help and is seeking it
Quote at 6:48 is incredibly important to learn for any aspect of self-improvement. You can't just get rid of a coping mechanism and not replace it!
Yes
In my recovery program, we called these things our ‘outer circle’ - things that draw us out of self-focus n spiral, and instead help ourselves and others.
Reading a great book. Going to a movie n coffee w a friend. Serving at a charity. Meditation. Expressing gratitude for things (addictions usually feed on selfishness/focusing on problems.
God help this caller. God help me.
Not doing something is a 'dead man goal." Anything a dead man could do. I.E not eat sugar. Not watch pron.
@@jackcoleman5955 Hope your recovery is going well, brave Jack. O ♡ O
6:12 is a HUGE point to listen to for anyone who thinks they have an issue with sex addiction... if you find that porn "soothes" you , THINK about what is happening. This was one lightning bolt moment for me when i began to admit my issues. You are tuning to something that is made to stimulate you and it is soothing you... thats how you know its a "Drug" and you're USING it... Good luck everyone.. God Bless
Great point 😳
Thank you, Dr. John for taking this seriously. And for trying to get him to be proactive. Celebrate recovery can lifesaver.
Porn is bad. I’m so happy I don’t watch it. 7 years not once watched it. Now I’m no saint. I had my addictions. I am an alcoholic and former pill popper. God is good. Keep it up everyone.
Alcohol is so much worse than porn
@@hoiendehe that’s comparing two different types of addictions. Porn devastates in other ways that alcohol does not Vice versa.
@@gabolujan3109 my pronouns is Dave Ramsey
@@hoiendehe my pronouns is ken/Coleman
Dave Ramsey watches porn😏
As someone who got dumped because I set porn as a NO in any romantic relationship I feel for the woman. As a woman myself if I ever encounter another romantic partner and he watches it behind my back (I am always upfront about porn and I am highly against it in a relationship also I do no consume it) it would make me feel unloved and insecure and I always compared myself to those women in the videos. Get in mind I am still young go to the gym 5-6 times a week, eat really well and I do get approached by men, I do not consider myself ugly. However, I feel so ugly if a man im romantically involved with watches it. It ruins my self esteem and my confidence is gone! I have never felt so ugly until my ex dumped me for it.
Men have given me so many excuses as "its just physical its not even real and im thinking of you doing it" then why dont you imagine me doing it???
So many men have left me and I am just realizing A LOT and I mean A LOT of men regularly watch it.
Having cats isnt so bad ... Ill definitely get a British short hair.
Thanks Lord for your salvation 🤘
I feel the same..
But what i hate the most, is people normalize it.. even in relationship..
So when i told my girl friends about it.. their are like.. its ok, you have to accept that your man watches it or you will be alone..
@@ivamrazik9788 I got the same response from my oldest brother too! I would rather be alone then haha!
The normalization of porn is terrifying. It's disgusting. When a man looks at porn, it reflects what's in his heart and it's the opposite of purity, just lust. It's viewing at women in such an undignified manner. So when he'll look at you he'll also look at you as a piece of flesh for pleasure, and not a whole person with a soul.
It's a tragedy that it's destroying so many men (and women), it poisons their imagination, their perception.
Btw British shorthair are great 😃👍
@@ivamrazik9788 I’ve dropped a friend literally cut her off my life because of that argument. I will say it will be difficult to find a man like that but they do exist! I believe they do due to male family members present in my life. What’s even crazier when I was young starting college I had no issue with it and didn’t care but now that I’m older i do care haha
Hahaha I love this call! This guy definitely needed the tough love talk
How do i get her to trust me like i don't have a porn addiction I'm not doing anything about? 😂😂
Why his wife isn't in to him?
She feels used, like she just a receptacle, he's made her feel self conscious when she didn't before, she wonders if he's lusting after that lady that just walked by them on the street, so now she has anxiety and resents him for that. She also wonders how deep his perversions go now due to porn escalations. Oh yeah and also, men on porn treat you like crap so there's that too.
Totally agree!
Competition anxiety is a great thing for both men and women. If you’re worried about your man leaving for another woman, you’re either slacking off or married out of your league.
I assure you that every straight man with a pulse is lusting after other women. It doesn’t matter if they’re married, taken, or single. And that’s everyone from the pastor down to the gravedigger.
You should let her speak for herself, and where she can’t don’t presume that your story is her story. Every story is different
@@staleydu1 these stories are all the same. Ask any woman with a husband who does this. It's always the same. That's what makes it so darn sad. Look at the 👍 button. We are in this sadness together. If a man cared he would see how it hurts his wife and change.
@@Evil-Rod-Farvathat is what most men don’t understand too. It is natural for a woman to be s3xually attracted to other men even if she is married. Women don’t become as3xual if a better looking guy comes along. That is one of the reasons that women che*at and leave marriages. It is natural for this to happen too. Men should stop victimising themselves over things which are beyond their control.
There are lots of SA recovery groups in St. George. They are online. Give them a call and guaranteed they’ll extend an invitation. John is right, do something
Don’t get married if you can’t focus on your partner alone sexually if that’s both of your goals.
If someone isn’t enough for you then they arent for you.
Then most people would not get married. Most people do not have access to the people they really want and they settle for what's around and what they can get. What they end up with will never really satisfy them and its nothing that can be done about it, this is why many men turn to porn, to get a release and satisfaction they can 't get from who they are with. Most women cannot actually fully satisfy a man's sexual appetite which was not created for just one woman, monogamy is man made. porn can be the lesser of a lot of evils...
Thats a pretty superficial response to this clip. I would have to guess you don't know much about this subject. Read, educate yourself. Good luck
@@md22773 it’s the exact opposite of superficial but good try pal. Enjoy your porn addiction.
That's why I'm single. I can't promise to be faithful.
@@crashcompilations2352 if people were more honest like that we wouldn’t have as much drama 👏🏻
If you don’t do something - you are not willing to let it go!🎉
That was motivation! Good Reprogramming and very specific!
I've been to recovery groups and when they fall they can pull you down with you...be careful who you associate with even in recovery groups
if he is porn/misogyny addicted.,..well "addiction" is a continuously relapsing disease and it is very likely that you will continually relapse over time and continuously find it a mental struggle to abstain or maybe sporadically over time. So you're right, going to recovery does not mean one is recovered that's for sure
@@whitneyw.7919 Then what does that mean you physco?
I needed this today for me, and I'm not a porn addict. Dr. John's recommendation to change things instead of just thinking about the problem, to get up and DO, was just what I needed to hear. Here's to making it different. My health issues may keep me from checking everything off the list, but I WILL check something off.
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ this is such a tough issue. It’s so difficult. Porn is truly evil.
It's not. That's just like saying coffee or sugar is evil. It's stupid. Some people just have problems with them and others dont. Just recognize you have a problem, take responsibility and fix it. Once you start demonizing something you ruin it for other responsible people who partake in whatever that thing is.
@Berserk1Manga You cannot convince me that porn and the porn industry isn't ruining people. Men and women are affected by that awful, disgusting industry.
@@charliedeegan1598 some people get it worse than others like for example with porn there could be a guy that jerks off to porn 10 times a day and is ruining and wasting his life but say somebody who jerks off to relax and go to bed at night and wakes up in the morning and goes about his buisness but i agree porn is defiently evil in many aspeects and effects a lot of people
@@Berserk1Mangawhen the vast majority of people are negatively affected by something, that thing is not good. full stop. the analogy we can make here is to cigarettes. yes there are people like my great grandfather who smoked until they were 90 with no health problems. should we still discourage smoking as much as possible? yes as its negative responses in people far out weigh the positive responses.
@@staydismantling9354lol there’s no benefit to porn. It can affect you mentally and physically. If you’re Christian it’s a sin. This world tries to normalize it. Make it okay and normal and it’s not. It’s not normal
This kind of addiction is so so tough. I’ve been there. Fortunately getting married was like a “reset” of sorts and my desire for porn and sexual sin really dropped and it isn’t a huge temptation anymore. However, my wife is an incredible partner in kicking the addiction. If I had to defeat it alone, there’s no way. I tried that for years as a single guy. We were honest about these struggles before marriage and now in marriage she is kind and forgiving when I screw up and always there to encourage and hold me accountable. Finally, after years of struggle I’ve moved past it and it’s because of my wife. I still might have a thought or a temptation, but then I think of her and asking for her forgiveness after I sin and it becomes much easier to push that thought out and refocus.
How has she helped you through this? What are some of the most helpful and effective things she's done or said? 🙏🏻
Bro you were lonely and horny, now you have your wife for it
Imagine that, a compassionate wife that isn’t focused on self
You're ridiculous.
Thanks Lord for your peace
Can we talk for a minute about how it wasn't disclosed BEFORE marriage?!
They always lie by omission to catch you. Morally bankrupt individuals.
Yep. An annulment is definitely in order.
YES! He lied to her by not telling her this massive thing and now he’s like, “Why won’t she trust me?”
It shouldn’t have to be. It’s wrong.
Exactly. Since he knew that was a dealbreaker, he basically committed fraud by not telling her. He didn't even bother to get help and stop.
I showed this to my husband and all he got from it was, ‘yeah I get that youll never get over it. Okay’ 😢
you deserve WAY better than that.
Pray for him
That’s exactly what mine would take from this. SO FRUSTRATING
Mine would think I was hinting that it’s about him. Tho if I’m not in the mood he’ll go take care of himself. So he looks at porn. Only difference is he plays more video games than porn and he still wants me and doesn’t cheat. Thankfully he’s not as crazed as this guy.
I've had a husband like that. Had being the important word. My current husband is abhorrently against porn.
This man has no intention of changing since his porn is his "wifes issue"
I'm female. If you know porn is entertainment and you watch once in awhile, there's nothing wrong with it.
You can learn new things to try with your partner.
@@arfriedman4577 Educate yourself. There a tons of studies over decades proving that p* is harmful to men specifically. What you're saying is ridiculous. That's like telling an alcoholic to just have a couple. They can't. That's the point. He has an addiction.
@@zammymynakersnackstbmoth People are so programmed to think it's perfectly ok/fine/good. Like, you're still an individual who can decide what to do and what not to do. But the fact so many people are absolutely uneducated when it comes to this is baffling.
The fact that he’s calling in is a step forwards. Hopefully he can change.
I realize after that some people gamble away money to these porn people and that's not good.
She feels cheated. He isn't who she thought she married. It happened to me. Should have dealt with it before getting married. If he doesn't get help soon, and faithfully, she will leave him. She may seem understanding for a little while, but not for much longer.
So when a woman gains weight does a man get to say "Thats not the woman I married" and leave? Women get to play this card but when men do it we are villified.
Yup, it’s the norm
@@crzyruskie86 Dumb comparison but keep playing victim
@@erismana2105 no that is actually reasonably comparable
Porn is not a valid reason to leave a spouse if they are working to do better… it’s crazy when people are shocked men struggle with this when like 75% of men struggle with it… it’s a gross overreaction
I’m glad he got called out for half a***ing this
You are absolutely awesome! Excellent level headed responses. amazing work! keep lifting people up to be better people! Saving souls!
Clearly, he wanted Dr. Delony to fix his wife and her "issues" with his porn use. It's very common for addicts to blame the people around them for not being "forgiving" enough. He obviously has no intention of doing what he has to do to deal with himself - at least not at this point. Maybe he will after she divorces him.
Exactly. Like it's not our job to stick by them and forgive them when they do the minimum effort to stop it. I'm not ruining my mental health for anyone lol
Cool let us jerk off in piece and leave then. Marriage is a favor to yaw not us. Keep crying where all the real men at. Real men beat they meat like it owe’s them money
My ex just moved on to the next woman whom would fall for his lies, lol.
In my experience porn has been so normalized that the ones who feel uncomfortable with it are the ones made out to be the problem. To each their own but values need to match or be met both ways in any relationship for it to work. And like others have said, when you know what goes on in the porn industry it’s enough to make me cringe and be turned off to be completely honest instead of turn me on.
My husband just destroyed a 28 yr marriage because he refuses counseling or help for his porn addiction….
Let him be. He doesn't have to do what you want him to do. Go live
That is insane. I pray for you and I pray he gets out of that sexual bondage. I’m not sure if my wife will help me but I’m praying she does. I’ve done good so far, we are separated as of October. Living separate. No sex. Not much touch. So since found it’s way in to me. No excuse. I should’ve asked my men’s group for help. I’m doing all I can at this point as I know it won’t be okay with my wife, or is she chooses to leave any woman of faith won’t put up with it either. Sexual bondage is a terrible part of this world!
That's crazy especially when the real thing is so much better (when good).
So sorry. Porn destroys marriages
@Shaolin91z... You write after she's given 28 years to a marriage.
Absolutely CLUELESS....
I don't get why people think John was mean. Sounds nice to me
Hmm, somewhere in our marriage vows 🤔 - oh yes, here it is.... And forsaking ALL others, keep myself ONLY UNTO YOU, for as long as we both shall live.
I’m sorry but the wet toast comment about to me out 🤣
I wish I could talk to John about this. This sounds like it would be my spouse. He substitute his pn watching with alcohol and video games. I’m not saying he is a horrible person but it doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t want to be vulnerable with him anymore because when I do I become a villain and he says he feels attacked but he would get mad and start yelling. He hasn’t done much to change and I don’t think he wants to to be honest. I notice that the more I stress over it and obsess over it I get depressed and start feeling lonely. I feel like I’ve been letting things fall through the cracks and my kids deserve the best version of me. I deserve the best version of me. I’m trying to get me together and even though I love my spouse I don’t feel I can trust them. I know I can’t fully trust him.
Just bc you love your spouse doesn't mean you should stay. He is robbing you of your greatest gift - the experience of a happy and peaceful motherhood. You WILL resent him SO much once the kids are adults and move on with their life. If you are financially dependent on him I would divorce him in your heart, focus on the kids and figuring out how you can become financially independent one day. Then I'd divorce him for real. Try to keep a good relationship between him and the kids. Take whatever he'll give them assuming it's within your parental guidelines. They don't need to be brought in the middle. It's healthy for kids to see their parents as good people and to believe they are loved by both (even if you end up not being able to stand him). Obviously he doesn't love you how he claimed to love you before you married. I know it hurts but after accepting this reality it gets easier. He isn't capable of real love. He's probably got narcissistic personality disorder. Or he's running from his own abusive past and needs to choose to deal with it.
You need to go to a support group for addicts. Because your husband is an addict and he doesn't want to change. Listen. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself.
I know he is your husband and for better and for worse. But.... consider this ,as long as he has people enabling him, and keeping him from hitting rock bottom, then he has no reason to change.
His actions are hurting his own children and he doesn't see that. As you keep trying to save him from drowning he is dragging you and your children down with him. You have to cut the string and save yourself and your children.
This is ultimantly for his own good as well. You are saving him from himself by drawing the line in the sand and sticking to it if he is not willing to change. It's a terrible sin to harm his own children and spouse. If he continues down this path he will only get worse verbuly and emotionally. Neglect is abuse.
Sometimes true love is tough love. Avoiding the tough conversations for fear he will hate you is a form of cowardess and even somewhat selfish. You would rather keep him at your side liking you, then risk him leaving you. Even if he desperetly needs to hear what you have to say.
Quick question: I this issue is causing so much tension and strife within your household, why not divorce and move on with your life?
Also, please don’t use your kids as an excuse, I’ve never met one person who said I’m glad my parents stayed together, living together pretending to be happy just for me.
It seems like you take his addiction like it's personal. I have been there and it is exhausting and creates so much disconnect with your significant other.
It's his demon he has been struggling with, for probably many years and before you came along. He didn't do it at the start to intentionally hurt you, no he has a compulsive obsessive disorder that he can't control. Yes it's upsetting and disappointing that he lies and lives in denial that his addiction is affecting your relationship. Both of you are behaving like victims and constantly on the defense, you both see each other as a threat. You are not a team ready to confront the issue hence it is just going to be power struggle constantly. That is not a way for both of you. If he doesn't want to do anything about it, then do the only thing you are in control of and it is to heal the betrayal you have experienced and grieve that your relationship is not what you thought it was. Also rather than attacking, (we all attack when we feel hurt), learn to express yourself so you can be heard by being vulnerable. (Being vulnerable doesn't blame or criticize the other person).
Most of us haven't learned to be vulnerable, learn as much as so you can have a safer more connected life with the person you live with.
A man who struggles with porn shouldn't be in a relationship. It's unfair on any woman. Porn use doesn't allow you to be present mentally, psychologically, sexually, physically, or spiritually. Everything.
Do you hold women who use porn to the same standards? Women tend to get treated with much more compassion and leniency when it is the woman who is the porn viewer.
@neechee5150 Yeah but how prevalent is porn addiction amongst women? I'd wager not as bad as it is with men.
@@CyeOutsider Whether there are more than men that women who are "addicted" to porn is not the issue. @wilcoxtam810 said that a MAN who struggles with porn should not be in a relationship and if he/she has a standard for men if he/she does not have that same standard for women that person is by definition duplicitous and sexist.
We do know that women are the fastest growing porn market in the world. We also know that the rate of porn use among women has been dramatically increasing over the past 20 years. and every sign points to that rate continuing to increase at an dramatic rate. We do know that women under the age of 30 are using porn as a means of sex education (given how accessible legitimate sex ed materials are on line this is no excuse) and that these women are imponsing porn driven standards of penis size and sexual performance on men. Women have complained about men imposing porn driven standards on them but women have proven to be no better in this regard.
From a study and release of data from Porn Hub we see some very interesting trends and data. First, the rate of porn use by women in the US is 33% + and the rate of porn use by women raises dramatically to 50% + in other nations. We also see from the Porn Hub study that women search for the more/most violent and more /most hard core porn at a MUCH HIGHER RATES THAN DO MEN. This is very telling.
@@CyeOutsider I’d almost say that women are more promiscuous than men. They’re also the ones providing this absolutely predatory content to our men and little boys( unless it’s against their will, which is a problem too)
Absolutely women should be held accountable as well. It’s truly evil and everyone partaking in these behaviors is damaging other people. :(
This is the video I wish I watched before my ex left me. I was like the caller. I wanted to find all this help but I was afraid of failing. Afraid that my ex will just see me as a failure. Therapy now has helped me see that. This video just resonates with me so much right now. I’m sad my ex left but I understand why she left. I’m happy to have made progress in my life to be a better person. Be happier in my own skin. I’m not perfect but I know I’m trying to be better everyday and that makes me smile. Whoever is going through the same thing just know you can do it. Real failure is not trying. Learn from my mistakes
Because you creeped her out. I doubt she will get over that.
I appreciate that John called him out. He doesn't care to change, he's blaming her for holding onto the betrayal. He's a pig.
I'm so sorry he's struggled with this evil addiction 😢 And I feel sorry for his wife too.
Just as an encouragement: my husband used to have an issue with porn and he cried out to God to heal him from it and He did! Having accountability is very helpful, too. Sending up a prayer for you, caller ❤🙏🏻
I do not think it is an 'evil' addiction. It is just something to overcome like booze or drugs. It isn't 'evil' in my book.
@Dominick John Spano Any addiction is evil.. it drains you, takes time away from your life where you can be more productive and causes you to experience such high levels of dopamine for such little effort that the regular activities you used to enjoy become less enjoyable thus leading to depression, it causes you to view the people on the screen as no longer people but tools to gratify your selfishness.. it's pretty close to evil
@@DominickSpano a more appropriate word would be "normal" or "harmless" for most people
@@john1425 I agree. As a single guy at the immediate moment I have desires. We all do. If you satisfy them 30 timed a day sure that is a serious issue. But it is natural and normal.
I used to think like you but my views have changed. Watching porn is ok and fun. A person who chooses not to view porn isn’t morally superior.
I feel like he's saying that he's gonna fail again and how does he not keep promising her that he won't do it again.
The Finale was amazing ..Dr Delony wanted to jumpstart him …He really wants to help people .
Sick of It All is such a good band. Cheers from a fellow punk/hardcore kid 🤙🏼
Porn addiction is another way to “Escape” and not deal with their issues.
We love you Dr. John! You’re doing God’s work ❤
Lol, what’s to understand? He has been cheating, she shouldn’t let it go. I mean if she was cheating would he want to just “let it go”?
Are there any men who are not porn addicts these days? I'm being serious. I don't know any.
I have not yet one man who actively does not watch it (romantically). They do exist because I have brothers who refuse to watch it and male family members but its bleak. LOL 😆 I have legit given up on dating. A few slip ups what ever were human but especially gen z men they watch it a lot!!!
Very very few. 99% of men watch it. Maybe 5-10% are willing to give it up for you. Why should they? Most all men don’t see women as people they see them as objects to satisfy their sexual needs and with so many women freely giving it out, why should they bother having any respect for women, women don’t respect themselves.
yeah busy guys who are getting laid every day and dont have time. i know a few.
There are plenty that don't watch.
Best wishes. Take care always.
my husband watched as a teen, but he broke the habit before we got together. That was a must for me. If he stopped only because I asked him to, I would always be afraid of him slipping back into it. Made a big difference that he recognized it as detrimental for and to himself.
If you mean guys who have **never** watched porn, I don't think there's many out there nowadays. But plenty have turned against it or matured out of it.
Been waiting for this one. Thank you.
Pastor Tim Ross has great advice from his experience with porn adiction. I believe his testimony would help anyone struggling with this stronghold.
The basement! Let’s go!
Never will understand people who don't take action or try anything when they know their life is in ruins and everyone tells them they should be changing their behavior and they just don't. It's frustrating dealing with those people.
It’s because at their core they don’t believe it’s truly a problem for “them”. When someone is truly tired of “insert”, THEY WILL CHANGE IT!
Because this addiction never goes away and is a gross deal breaker.
The more you view it the further away from your spouse you should expect to get.
💯
They don't stop. Been doing this with my Husband and he has destroyed me. Im in therapy. He won't go💔
Porn is bad even in moderation
If its bad and you decide to watch it then it is a big deal.
@@DanBorensbro bro hit the gym and give it up 31 days. Change ur life entirely
My husband got angry and said he will divorce me if I bring it up. He thinks I'm being stupid. We don't have intimacy and this whole situation is depressing me. I feel like there's no hope for us. He is only making me depressed and resentful. I'm so sad 😢 26 years down the drain. I gave up so much for him including having kids. I'm 41 and no one is gonna want me now. 😢
41 is still young, don’t beat yourself up. You deserve someone who will love and respect you.
Honey, leave him
I use Everaccountable and go to SAA. You don't have to live like that anymore.
If he has social media keep an eye on that too because we have ever accountable after battling this for a while then my husband realized he wasn't getting flagged for pornographic stuff on Facebook and just went to town for a couple of months before I noticed him looking at the stuff on Facebook RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The fact that this happened even with having Ever Accountable for 6 years I think I'm about ready to call it quits. I just can't escape the feeling of deep betrayal and pain. I feel like it will never completely stop and I can't take it anymore. Makes me feel horrible about myself and feel like I don't know this person I fell in love with.
@@msmissy1744 I'm so sorry to hear this. Is he getting help? He should look into SAA (which is what I'm in) /PA/get a CSAT - something. I know it's hard to believe, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's just addicted to pornography. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't stand up for what are your boundaries.
@@herfirstmate he did sign up for SAA online. I hope he follows through with it though. He also started to watch and read articles on what porn addiction does to the brain and doing some "Helping her heal" program. So he does recognize that it's a problem and I know he loves me but it's tearing me apart. I'm so scared that we'll constantly have to deal with these relapses. We've been to counseling a couple of different times for this and have ever accountable but sometimes I feel like this will never end no matter what we do. I don't know what to do. I feel caught between the feeling of needing to escape to protect myself from this pain or stay because I love him (he's my best friend) and hope and pray it stops.
@@msmissy1744praying for you and him. I ask the Heavenly Father to help him break free of the sexual bandage, God I ask you put that in his heart and his mind. I ask that give him the courage to lay his sin down at your feet for healing. God I also ask you to guide his wife and protect her heart over this dark season. In your heavenly name I pray!!
I too struggled with porn, then thought I could get away with just looking at women, lustfully. It’s all the same in a sense. I cried out to God and have given it all to him. It hasn’t been hard other than being lonely for me and wanting my wife’s love. We are separated and not intimate. Have been since October so I filled that void with lust, instead of God.
Dr John you nailed it 👏👏
What if they stop using porn but now look and super suggestive videos on TH-cam? Ex. See though shirts w hard nipples making sandwiches or doing construction w barely anything on or workout videos w positions that are super sexual…. It’s all the same to me, gives you the same feeling right. It’s a struggle in our relationship and it makes me feel an inch tall. And makes me want to not touch him or want him. And I do want him. It’s literally the only thing wrong in our relationship. It makes me obsessed with what he is doing when I’m not around. It’s hurtful. We have set boundaries and he says he doesn’t need it or get anything out of it. So why does he need it? Because he’s been jerking off since he’s 12. I mean come on, I’m right here.
hurtful
I ❤ that go talk at the end!
Dr. D. Telling him to just rid of his phone might just encourage him to find it other places. It can unintentionally lead to an escalation. There are so many other ways to access porn. The harder he trying to get ahold of this the more it can slip through his fingers. It’s that slimy. He needs to wash his hands and everybody needs their own soap. Good luck kid. Just don’t give up. Your wife needs to know you’re committed to working on it with or without her. Because you want to be clean. It’s nice to be clean for her. But you need to be clean for you. So pray to know how you need to work on it individually and just never give up. This is not a one fix thing. You can do it.
Sometimes the ease of accessing porn makes a massive difference. That could very well be the step he needs.
Where are the other guys like the one in this call lol
He called a podcast because he realizes the issue. Thats rare.
Same with my husband, he lied to me. I married him unaware of his addiction and ok, he says he did put a stop on it. But how can I trust his word on that? I told him clearly that porn was a big no for me and he guaranteed he wouldn’t watch it at all. After we married I found out even in our great honeymoon days he was on porn looking for blondes and older women, which totally differ from me. Well, well, in the depths of my heart I just wish I could run or disappear. These men nowadays are lost, but I could care less if I was not married to one of them. You like prostitutes and lust, embrace yourself and go to hell with them. I am so depressed to know my 4 months marriage was build in a lie.
Yeah he doesn't want to change too much work for him been the way for that one
This video is amazing
This is why pornography should be highly regulated..like narcotics. It’s a downward spiral.
It’s definitely the “gateway”drug to more deviant behavior.
It's already getting out of control with AI. Tons of creeps are creating images with AI that would picture underaged girls ( 11- 15yo) in the explicit manner. But hey, it's "just a fantasy" right? It not real. It's not physical act. Where do we draw the line?
Males are just so weak.
@@DanBorensIt shouldn't exist at all.
Well the Hebrew is about yall are getting porn
He says he needs frieds, why he's not being frriend of his wife? She should be his best friend.
Everyone needs friends. Your partner definitely should be your best friend, I agree. But we need more friends than just your partner. You can't gatekeep your partner and rob them of connections, when we need connections to have good mental health.
Your right fly, that's grounds for divorce.
I'm from st George, ride your bike down snow canyon or along the trail parallel to the road from dammeron valley to St George. It's thrillingly gorgeous.
I'm a SL,UT native and love riding my bike on the Provo River trail. 😎
I'm a woman in a 12 year relationship with a man and i really don't understand what the problem with porn is. Most people watch it from time to time. Men, women, doesn't matter. If I am out of the house and he feels like watching it, sure, why not? Same goes the other way around. We still have a good and stable intimate life. We even talk about it sometimes. It's not a secret. And to be honest, if the only need my partner has outside of our intimate life is to have some private time with himself, why would i shun that?
It's not your wife's job to learn to trust you. It's your job to become a trustworthy man. Tht comes through consistent trustworthy behavior. If you keep relapsing thn she will never be able to trust you
There’s more to trust than this one issue. Don’t be stupid.
Calling it an 'addiction' is so moronic, I'm sorry. All of these so called addicts who can't leave their knobs alone sound about 12 years old. "Having an argument is my trigger to needing a wank", urgh. Why do they put up with that.
Everyone is sitting here trying to throw this man under the bus for admitting to have a problem. There are many things that go the other way too. Their partners and at least they are talking about it. All these keyboard Warriors would have everyone break up with everyone.
Delony has all the compassion in the world for a woman that calls in but if a man calls in delony cuts him short and scolds him
I do agree he should have told his wife before marriage.
Some men need a push. Not making excuses for this guy. But sometimes only hearing your wife give you advice doesn’t seem to do much for a guy. But having a fellow man, talk sense to him might lead to some change. Hope this guy turns it around. And then hugs his wife and never lets her go after she forgives him, provided she sees real change.
He’s in denial.
I'm so relieved. I'd heard 3 horrible calls of John's today, with advice that endangered the guy imo, but this was great! Terrific! Note perfect! I don't gotta break up with him after all :))
People give up way too easily. You can see in the comments most people say "Just break up. Do it now." kind of thing. Faithfulness is not just a one way street. And it's not just regarding sex.
My husband is the same way but far worse off with porn. He is white knuckling it now. We started on this porn ridding journey 2 years ago. He has gotten off of it but has latched onto another addiction. I mean it’s not any substance if any sort but still. He is on his laptop all waking hours. Constantly. He has completely shut out me and our family because he thinks he has to have constant entertainment stimulation. He does this to keep his mind off of porn but it is just as bad. He is permanently in a fantasy state to avoid reality. He did see a therapist twice but all he did was blame me and want me to stfu and get over it. And that he doesn’t wish to spend the last remaining years of his life (he is 61) doing this and that he would rather spend it enjoying his life. And now whenever I tell him to go back to a therapist he tells me he already tried that and I had n issue with it. Well yeah I did because he took no personal accountability for his actions.
You could have a carefree, fulfilling life if You just made a decision.
@@fpm3121 I wish I could leave or make him leave but I can’t due to finances and obligations. Trust me if there was any way to make it work I would but I can’t. Not right now anyway. But I am actively working on it so I can.
1. Do you have to join a 12 step group for a youtube female model habit you want to stop when you don't want to consider yourself as having an addiction or disease now and for the rest of your life or want to go around identifying as an addict and other disempowering ways of self image?
Are there other options?
It is the disease model of addiction I am not wanting to be a part of.
2. I see a soul coach twice a week online.
It’s not in the past if it’s still going on
It’s not as easy to substitute your addiction with something good. It usually results in something else that’s not necessarily good to take the place of your addiction. Eating is a common thing. Porn gives a release of endorphins so it’s about finding something else that makes you feel good to take it’s place. Preferably something that is also good for you.
Sometimes I feel alone. Women have the temptation too. I have overcome it but I used to have a porn issue too
Some of this comments are atrocious. A man speaks openly about his problem and admits it and some women still have the need to put him down. If this have been a female I believe there wouldnt be that much negative comments!
Ugh. People in Utah and their addictions to everything that isn’t alcohol or drugs. Hope he can replace the behavior with a good way to self medicate of this is harming his marriage. Great advice from Dr. John.
What do you mean by “their addictions”. Are those outside of Utah not addicted to non-alcohol/drugs vices? Sounds like a. Over generalization statement to me.
@@sethkearl8056 I grew up in the Mormon community and lived in Utah for 10 yrs. Yes, it is a generalizaron of that community that is actually supported by statistics and data. People living Utah and in the Mormon community especially know what I’m talking about. The community usually have addiction issues unique to their community. I shouldn’t said Mormon but didn’t want to call them out, but since you asked. If you’re from Utah, Mormon or not, they’ll know what I was talking about.
@@mimimonster yes, please share the source of the statistics.
Porn addiction is not unique to Utah.
It might be nothing for him, but for her it could be trauma. Trauma comes in different forms to people, and people should not just invalidate it as “the past.” It’s insensitive.
Internet is a major curse for relationships! Also boys need to be educated about the harms of masturbation and porn since their teenage days, instead of normalising it, so they don't ruin their own life and later their partner's
Very good advice
My God, porn has become a disease for almost all men. Yikes, no wonder so many women become man haters. This is an epidemic. Why are so many men so weak in this area? I just caught my boyfriend of almost 4 yrs hiding it behind my back. Im still in shock. I feel crazy. One minute, I can be around him acting normal. As soon as something sexual at all comes up, Im immediately reminded and have so much rage towards him, I literally despise him and want to walk away. I know Im not dealing with it internally. Because I feel ok as long as I don't think about it. Once Im reminded, all bets are off. 😢 Im avoiding it because I can't function knowing the truth, and I freak the hell out bad. Im going thru therapy for childhood abuse and past partners who abused me, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If I think about it, I feel I will lose my mind. I had a horrible father who was a porn addict and womanizer and a criminal. I have never had a real bond with any man in my entire life. Im 50 yrs old now. My boyfriend is gonna do sessions with my therapist. If it doesm't work with him, I will never enter another relationship because I will not trust another man as long as I live. I will find a friend with benefits when I feel the need (if I ever do feel the need again). I lost all hope, and I carry so much inside. I will never get over it. Im not kidding. This porn addition is an epidemic. They literally feel they have the right to view it no matter how it makes most women feel. I can't believe how out of control it has gotten. I will no longer fight to keep a boy who can't control his urges. How could so many men be this horrible? Im officially a man hater.
My brother's. My dudes. I so promise you, going without porn is like you never knew it. Find a partner, be Honest, Open minded and Willing (HOW) and you'll wana save yourself for you, and no one else
I think she should watch it. See how fast he feels threatened, ignored, disrespected.
Ride Dirtbikes man! I've overcome so much by riding my dirtbike and friends are everywhere!
The Bible tells us exactly how to deal with this. If your right hand offends you, cut it off. It is better to lose that hand than keep letting it offend. Something like that. So it’s no more internet away from work. You have to be willing to do that.
Needed this
Me too
As a single guy the issue is that porn is in a sense extremely readily available. I am 37. When I was a teenager really the only porn available was Playboy. Now it is in the palm of your hands at all times. I have gotten into porn a little to much at times. I think all single guys have to be candid. He is married, but whatever have you. IDK porn clearly isn't as good as the real thing. Shy away from it, at least curb it. I know it isn't that easy.
This is a spiritual issue. He needs deliverance.
I wouldn’t say just shy away from it, I’d say shun it. It ruins relationships and families
@@tyleralger6083 I don't disagree but I am a single man with an intense job at the immediately moment on a low budget and no time to date. End of long PhD program. I am not sticking up for porn for sure, but it isn't the worst thing ever for guy like to watch it every once and again.
@@DominickSpano you fix it now or when you get married it'll rear it's ugly head in your future nuptials and will ruin a marriage(just like this guy)
There's a need in your heart . Get professional therapy, as soon as possible. Do not play this off.
When we lack connection we seek substances or substitutes.
There's a lot of addicts who have connection. On contrary, addiction often ensures lack of connection
Wow!!!!!!
Addiction is an escape hatch, started as a distracting activity that brought pleasure over pain or discomfort, they let it become a habit that turned into a compulsive obsessive disorder for some. Some people don't want or have a difficult time to deal with a void, uncomfortable emotions. Often they have a hard time with self love and self acceptance or miss understand what self love/ acceptance means. Men are very visual and sexual, so when their brain is looking for pleasure over pain, that they need to distract themselves of reality , responsibility, fantasy/ porn is a very accessible and often free platform to boost their dopamine.
Many men still love their wife dearly and have great relationships but still succumb to the temptation of lust.
You made a typo in "we have an unresolved pain and trauma, so we turn to escapism in a form of substance and porn instead of facing uncomfortable emotions"
This exact thing happened to me.
My husband was dishonest about his pornography habits and I found out after we were married. I was very forthcoming that I didn’t want to be with someone that struggled with it.
I see a lot of women in the comments talking about how it’s a similar situation to them, and they divorced.
I decided not to leave. Despite it hurting me very deeply and causing a huge issue in our marriage. For years we struggled with this, his reoccurring use, my insecurities that were crippling..
But we didn’t walk away, we didn’t give up. I have never seem a husband more devoted and loyal than my own. I stayed with him in his darkness; I loved him, I sat in the deep dark hole with him. Did I think about leaving a lot, yes of course.
But I needed to remove that I was the “victim of this” and he was the perpetrator of it. He was always a victim of a horrid industry from a very young age. He was addicted, and ashamed.
He didn’t do it, and then act happy about it. There was always deep shame and remorse accompanied by it.
Rather than shaming these men, walking away and telling them they’re unworthy… love them.
It’s different if it continues with no remorse, with no willingness to change or if there is a situation where he thinks it’s acceptable or blames you. But women, examine how youre reacting too.. says a lot about you.
I don't think women fully appreciate the ridiculous levels of hormones that men have. I agree that it's not good, but I really don't think you'd be concerned about your marriage if you understood WHY us men do this.
Imagine having 1000 mosquito bites and not scratching a single one until they healed. And then doing that day after day after day.
Men don't "scratch" because they aren't happy or don't love. We do it because we literally carry around two pingpong balls full of intensively powerful hormones.
I totally agree that it's a terrible habit and shouldn't be apart of a marriage, but don't think that there's anything emotional or romantic about it. It's purely mechanical.
Sure it's a lack of self control and morally wrong, but it's really shouldn't be suprising. A good rule of thumb is that your typical man has about 10-20x the libido in comparison to a typical woman.
You cannot tell someone how to react and respond to betrayal and violations.
My ex fiancé went on to view CP. His addiction has spiralled so bad it was the only thing that ‘worked’ for him he’d become so desensitised. I was 5 months pregnant at the start of lockdown when he was arrested for it. No one had a clue what he was up to, not me, his family or friends.
There’s no way I could stay with someone who’d some that, who’d lied and done something so cruel and despicable. What does that say about me then?
If that works for you and you’re prepared to stand by your husband then that’s your choice. I wish you all the best, but you don’t get to tell other women how to act in this situation.
@Rosieblue111 Completely agree. So sorry this happened. You are so strong.
@@Rosieblue111 …. Watching CP and my situation is extremely different. My husband violated my vows, not the law. I’d never advocate for anyone to condone or accept that type of behaviour and content. I’d call the police myself. I really don’t understand how you even drew a similarity to these situations.
However, women want to encourage others to leave spouses when porn addiction is discovered and yet when a women says… maybe try staying the response is “don’t tell other women how to respond”.
9:55 Utah doesn't have Academy, but we have Dick's sporting goods.
If Dicks triggers his addiction he can go to Big 5 sporting goods instead. 🤷♂️
Porn is a nasty addiction. Its on going to be a massive isssue as millennials and gen z folks are seeking relationships. Having porn at your finger tips is like having access to self replicating cocaine.
Because women NEVER forget!
Ok. So porn ruined the trust, sense of safety and my sexual self worth in my past marriage. Every now and again I'd get the "confession talk" that was going to knife-edge in the heart. I was too nieve then, but this time in my present relationship I made my beautiful fella SWEAR that if he ever "slipped and indulged" that he could confession to anyone (God/mate ect) but NEVER BURDEN ME WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. Its his private business and I'll trust assume he's not doing anything! I don't want access to a grown man's computer/phone. The agony of finding out has gone. Men cannot comprehend the pain of this for women, the sense of betrayal and your sense of worthlessness to hear your man is lasting after young perfect women. He is so respectful of me around other women. I have nothing but peace now, and my sexuality has slowly been restored. Men, shut the hell up. Don't dump it on her shoulders or do it where it is possible for her to discover your betrayal of her.
@EM-KeepingtheFaith said "Men cannot comprehend the pain of this for women, the sense of betrayal and your sense of worthlessness to hear your man is lasting after young perfect women"
Do you think that it hurts men any less when their wife/gf uses porn on a daily basis? Do you think that men are any less betrayed by their wife/GF using porn? Do you think that women comprehend the pain they cause their BF/husbands when the wife/gf is using porn? Very rarely do women recieve the same level of condemnation for doing the exact same bad thing as a man. YOu see this all the time when women have affairs. The first thing they do is to blame the man for not doing X,Y and Z or doing A, B or C. Where as when men cheat women just want to punish him and whether literally or figuratively castrate him
Do men just walk around thinking of sex all day every day? Serious question.
Yeah
Yep
Yes
of course! how have you lasted this long on the planet and not figured this out yet?? that is wild imo.
Of course not 🤡
Women struggle with porn too. We just never talk about it. You don't want your friends to see you differently. That's the trap. Reality is they probably struggle just as much as you. I have noticed the times I'm tempted most is when I feel the most lonely. I like how he said to replace it with another action like lifting weights.