@@karadiberlino yes extremely true God bless you sincerely million times If they've got any worth or true character to them,then they would know to treat others how they wish to be treated Thank you so very much for your insights enlightenment 🌞🌳🙏
Being with someone super agreeable all the time is draining too. It makes them more dull, you feel you can’t trust them because you know they’re not being their real self. Also, they don’t know their own boundaries, so don’t know how to tell you when you’re unintentionally stepping on their boundaries. They act in a way that’s not genuine, so eventually they’ll get to a point where they’ll feel resentful towards you, or may say that their feelings for you changed. Their feelings for you didn’t change, they just didn’t allow themselves to feel or show those feelings with you, and after not being able to stuff it down anymore, they let it all out in an avalanche move. Also, if you’re an intuitive person, which most women are, you’ll know that something is up but won’t know how to address things, because the other person won’t ever admit to them because they deal with things by laughing things off and acting like nothing is wrong - so eventually you’ll probably burst out too out of frustration. So basically, bottom line is, be authentic. Don’t be a people pleaser. Reveal yourself slowly (always vet good character and good intentions though, especially in this day and age of bad relationship behaviors). While you’re showing yourself and vetting, s/he will show himself for who they are eventually because people can’t keep up a show for too long.
I needed to hear this. I’ve always been a yes girl or someone who hates conflict so I dance around my relationships. Not anymore… it’s stressful and it drains me to the core.
It doesn't need to be like that Stacie...you don't need to be, I promise! I'm a fairly hard**ed guy, I have rigid princples that I won't bend for anyone and I won't cater my existence to benefit the experience of somebody else. I'm 40, no criminal record so I don't have a problem keeping my temper but never play games. I don't have more than a couple drinks because I like to be able to defend myself always, I adore the responsibility of being a man. That is context for the fact I would never argue with a woman, it's not my job to dominate them or anything Id like to do. Just because we would never argue doesn't mean we couldn't disagree, it matters how we talk to each other. It's your individuality that is what is beautiful, the imperfect flower. Nobody special is intrigued by average...I have boring women hit on me all the time, I never bite. If your body is the best thing you have to offer I'm out, it doesn't matter how good looking you are. I can be a very abrasive man but I don't want to be like that to my woman, she can understand I can be brutal but know never with her. I want her gentleness and nurturing, come back after working in -40, wash up before you enter a room with her and have your face gently held or kissed...what else do men really want?
I’ve definitely done this, even in my thirties (which I still am). I feel I may have somewhat skipped puberty or experience it very late, cause I’ve never had teenage love and now make all of the mistakes most people probably make at a young age.
You are not alone in that feeling - i feel the same way as you do. I even asked my sister the other day on the phone if she thought I was always a "late bloomer", and she said yes she always thought that. What's interesting though is I thought about this deeply and have this perspective to share - when we "bloom late", it means we are now wiser to FULLY enjoy those things we did not know how to enjoy back then. A lot of people hit their peaks and primes early and the shallow shell falls off with the inevitable introduction of mortality and time. If you feel like you experience things later than others - there is so much wisdom in that and you can now enjoy lots of beautiful things in life that one cannot when they are young in the same way. Perspective
You see this a lot in online dating forums. People posting screenshots of texts they had with someone they met through an app and they ask others what they should say next or where they went wrong in the conversation, etc. If they were talking to the person who is right for them, they wouldn't need to be asking online forums for opinions on what their next lines should be. It's sad people are so scared to be themselves in fear of rejection.
As a man, i have to say some of our personalities can come off as "excitable" (in the good way). That is who i am and ive scared off a lot of women or turned them off socially. Another reason why we turn "nice" is because some of us do need to show a little self control when it comes to presenting ourselves to others, and honestly some of the stuff that we think is funny could be absolutely diabolical to someone else.
I was “too nice” while dating an ex who truly didn’t care for me. I did resent them a lot, but also myself. Because I made myself small and always too accommodating while compromising myself. At one point, I thought to myself, “I don’t know who I am in this relationship.” I truly did not recognize the person I was because it felt like an unauthentic version of myself that I knew wasn’t the real me. I was unconsciously compromising myself in order to cater to my ex. I’m still learning to let go, move on, and grow out of being a “too nice” person. But I’m happier I left that relationship behind.
I just came out of a relationship like that. I also asked myself "who am I in this relationship?" He didn't care about me but would call me to ask for favours even after I put an end to it. I had to ask him to stop calling me because it wasn't doing me any good if I wanted to move on. I'm so disappointed with myself. I was too nice to him.
@@roberttruman8444 I think that this is such a profound question . If I’m abandoning myself ( my history, values, treasures) to accommodate someone not only am I not honoring me, I’m not giving that someone a chance to value the real me.
@@marz1222 True, but would you feel quite as bad as you do if you knew that it wasn't you who she didn't care about, but more of a persona? Not that it would change anything of course because the way she perceives you still stands, and to reveal your genuine self now would be futile. But if you go away for 2 years, work on yourself and undergo a little bit of physical reinvention, you may get a chance to reconnect with her. That's a method people use to get out of the friend zone anyway.
welcome to the world of narcissist or world of avoidance. The one with attachment like those 2 will always devaluate you till you dry. Heal yourself , be authentic and runnaway from them.
Great video!! Touches on not just one's attraction to others, but how someone can lose sight of how they view themselves (or, god forbid, devalue themselves) when in love relationships. It's funny how the hardest thing to do when trying to find love is "be yourself", because we're trying hard to "win over" someone vs actually being your true self to see whether it's honestly a good love match.
I actually cannot believe you made this video lol. I described this feeling almost verbatim to my therapist last week. I am a yes girl only when it comes to romantic relationships and just haven’t been able to map out how to NOT be. This is one I’ll be listening to on repeat. THANK YOU 💞
@@nataliecampbell8737 ~Ok, it was made only 10 days ago, so youre probably right...ha ha, but it is true that TH-cam will 'suggest' videos put in our feed that are about things we have talked, or texted, or emailed about!~☆~
It’s been 10 months. We’re you and your therapist able to pinpoint why and HOW not to be this “yes” type in romantic relationships? What was the answer
@@kendanzan8088 you must heal previous relationship wounds with partners, parents, etc. I took a long break from dating and did a lot of inner work which helped tremendously. When you learn to take ANYONE off the pedestal, that's when things change. Spend quality time with people who love you helps as well.
So needed to hear this! Have always been a people pleaser, agreeing when i disagreed and it was draining. Also it was not being fair to the person because they didnt see my true self and were likely getting bored with my yes all the time. Thank you for this Matthew
I was recently in a relationship where i was "the nice person". Everytime when i tried to set boundries, he soul get annoyed with me for being dramatic or ruining a good mood. Eventually i felt like my needs or feelings didn't matter to him. I broke up with him, full of resentment.
man.... this really hit hard. I completely did this with a crush recently. I feel like my behavior was like I was 15. I'm a 39 year old man with loads of dating experience but last break up really did it for me. This crush was the second time in 7 years I felt attraction for someone (first was my ex) and I completely went the two nice route! I even had mutual friends saying we where great for each other but I fobbled it up completely. I'm even too ashamed now to contact her again and I think that's for the best now... and don't even let me start on the insane anxiety I felt just by texting her... I'm glad I understand all of this now and working on moving on but man... I really threw myself at her feet like a rug... and it hurts way more to be rejected for not showing who you really are... and now she won't ever know who I really am...
Why not just reach out to her & see. You never know what's possible unless you take some risks. If it doesn't work out, you at least don't have any question marks in your head & can fully move on.
@@lycheedreams hey thanks for the comment. I think there isn't any salvaging as I did tell her directly how I felt. There's some stuff as well I discovered that made me think if I wasn't ready for a relationship, she lacks the emotional maturity to be in one (playing mind games with guys and other stuff) Too many details to share here but I moved on and found someone who is clear in her communication and has the emotional maturity I am looking for. I think my anxiety was going up because of her lack of a straight answer and just putting me in her games? I did offer for us to meet and talk a month ago and got no answer. That is it and that is done. Happier now with someone that is clear in the way she comunicates.
The title of this should be "authenticity." This perfectly encapsulated why I stepped back from my family of origin: they weren't open to me being my authentic self. If I wasn't what they wanted - being agreeable - they would negate me/disappear. 🙏
I listened to this podcast a while ago, but this came up on my TH-cam at exactly the time I needed it to. I've really been struggling this week, I always say the thing, but it's always hard. I asked for my needs to be met this week, and he just can't at the moment, which is really painful, but the conversation we had was really healthy.
Regarding “exercising needs with other people and not having them with an S.O.”; that was all my relationships to a T. I never realized it or what I needed or could have due to a traumatic life. My last partner, I grew enough with therapy to find my voice and express my needs to them. And he never respected it. Ever. I tried to “stomach it” and “believe he was giving me enough” for a year, I recognized what I was doing to stunt my own healing, and I left. I have so much hope for my future of dating and finding someone who hears my voice. ❤
I regained assertiveness almost a year after knowing my special person. We both are predictable, now. Being a situationship, I hope our love will now evolve, this week.
I actually did so much better after I decided to start treating women like I had already slept with them. I am actually a better BF that a Date so it got rid on nervousness and is more honest. Works for me, anyway. I see too many people get lazy in a relationship to ever let that be me.
This is very helpful. Thought I was doing things wrong by opening up and finding things out. Glad I'm on the right path. Thank you for your program. Guess when I get rejected I doubt myself if real love exists.
I think differently now then when I was 20. I'm able to see how every individual has right to be loved and to be unique. I was quite person and afraid to show my feelings, my opinions and my care for the person I love! Don't be surprised by that. Trying to avoid the rejection from ppl. Knowing I'm not strong enough or pretty enough to win someone to love me. So what I have missed I wanted. I wanted someone who is smart, rich and famous 😍 to be interested in me. In my late 30st I found out that it wasn't really my goal so I moved on and I needed somebody to be in love with me the way I'm gonna love him. Someone to match and cover my needs ! 👶😃 when I became 40 nothing is really important for me. And it doesn't matter what ppl think of me or if they like my partner that I choose.. All I need is 💘 and ✌
Great content! It always helps! I would love to have another video on dating someone with a kid, as some guideline of yours might change…or not. It makes dating a lot more difficult. At least that’s how I feel at the moment, when you have a ‚free‘ life without bringing a kid into a new dating situation.
That would be a helpful video. It's really challenging dating a person with children, -even when they're adults. (That could be a separate video🐍) The maturity and wisdom of the parent are major factors, much needed to protect the children. People need to take it slow so that vulnerable kids aren't put through the vortex of a bad relationship.
I know u do coaching mainly for women, but i need to say something. Matthew i really like your content as a men. Your work gives me hope to find a woman that fits to me. There is hope that there are still "oldschool" women out there, not the gen Z TikTok Selfie women :D I'm 28 btw and had a toxic relationship. Was not her fault, she just needs time to handle her depression and thats what made her stop loving me.
I wonder, say you engage in this kind of behavior, can it be undone and save the relationship? Say the first month is tons of confidence, passion, etc, and then a conflict changes things and the nice switch turns on. 2 months in, the relationship is awkward but still alive, can the course be corrected? And how?
So when ppl come up as convenient, serving you, available and actually be there not because they have a plan, but because they wanna show you their full attention are not worthy and also ''butter on the bread'' so that the other who cannot control his respect levels, will use it and use you. Sounds like the real bastard tho is the other and not you who offer your services.
Hi Matthew so how do I know after 3years with my guy if he really cares for me he does not verbalize withe words but lots of actions and consistent .we are in our sixties . Pl help with an answer ty
I am naturally very sweet and kind and considerate & so accommodating… my EX said I was such a pleaser… but sweet people have big egos and we know our self worth, at least I do… and he’s now he’s still trying to process the reality that I walked walk away & shut the door! Don’t take advantage of sweet people, let them be sweet…because sometimes it’s just in their nature to be so giving and selfless
You would not have anything done in á household, if you would over analyze every thought. Should I ? Shouldnt I do this, this way and this this way?...The over-analyzing takes more energy then just do it, in good will. He must understand that you are gong forward, therefore you are sweet and kind. you are not going to overanalyze every thought, in order to feel safe....it wouiôld lower your energy to actually do things. Kindness allows you to be calma nd do things.
To those who are pleaser or giver types, maybe this helps: Your partner also gains from you being more assertive when it comes to addressing your needs. There is obviously a line between being selfish and simply asking for your fair share. But people who are too nice can make relationships of any sort harder sometimes. There is a reason for the rule in case of an airplane incident that you should put your own oxygen mask on first - you can't help others if you haven't helped yourself. There is a reason to why you should be less nice, but more predictable in traffic - other drivers and pedestrians need guidance, too. Most people aren't givers. Most people also aren't takers, either. Most simply think the world should be in balance. But most people don't expect you to be too nice, because you're not the norm (sadly). Think about discussions with partners about what you want to eat for dinner or if you want to go out and if to where and if it's the cinema what movie to be watched. It can be frustrating to not get to an answer. Sometimes it's nice if someone creates a fact. Isn't it sometimes nice if someone else takes charge? Be that nice person, who takes the responsibility away from your partner. It creates security, a plan, something to look forward to, something to work towards. And sometimes that's exactly what your partner (or anyone else) wants from you. Knowing who you are and what you want is the hardest thing to get to in life - sometimes I feel most people never get there. But once you do, it's not just your life that improves, it's other people's, as well. Life is about trial and error. If you never take the initiative, you'll never get to make the errors and therefore never get to improve - improve your life and that of others. It's a good thing to be a giver, never give that up. It's a good thing to care for others and to try to make the world a tiny little bit better every day. But you're more worth to the rest of us when you are happy.
I think the most challenging part about changing in terms of being a giver or people pleaser is that it's rooted in our attachment style. So it requires a lot of self awareness, assertiveness, reflection and consistent work in and outside relationships to change. That said, it's totally doable and should be the goal for anyone who aren't securely attached. Great post. Good insight 😊
When you assert a boundary (eg. something as reasonable as please don’t keep waking me up in early hours with texts, prefer a more social able hour!) & someone says they would rather not be with you than adapt, how do you believe that that is because they can’t adapt & not link it to your worth, especially when you see them gladly going out of their way for another & behaving like a gentleman. Feels like everything I had to bring to their life wasn’t worth a small price to pay but another they would pay loads for!
It’s neediness. For whatever reason, you feel like you need to have this person to provide value in your life. So you’ll bend over backwards trying to please this person, even at the expense of yourself.
In the next relationship that I will have, I would rather be with someone that I'm not very attracted to than be with someone that I'm head over heels with. I become submissive and taken advantage of when I like the person so much. This decision is based from my past experiences.
This video session gets to the very kernel of things I have often struggled with in dating throughout life. It’s exactly what I needed to hear- what I was searching for yet didn’t realize. Thank you. You guys are sincerely the best in this space. I have enjoyed many of your other videos as well- although this particular one seems to have been mystically meant for me. My paradigm has shifted. I am now much better off going forward. ❤❤
Matthew this is so perfect when you said we over value other people when we should really value ourselves . To try to be what we think this other person wants just to get them to like you alway's fail. Value and worth and standards are the key to being our own self. We don't need another person to make us feel good about ourselves , what we need is to value ourselves for who we are. When you have standards and you keep them no matter how wonderful you think this other person is then you win.
This is an excellent topic. I wish I had understood this when I was dating & newly engaged. What many young people don't realize is that there is conflict in all relationships & if there is no healthy foundation for conflict resolution in the relationship, the relationship can go south very quickly. Children get sick, children develop mental illness, people get fired from their jobs, people make bad investments & people develop addictions. If one person is always "nice" & agreable but then an important issue arises that approaches a deal breaking situation, the other person may feel their sense of entitlement attacked. I know a couple that divorced when their teenage son developed mental illness & they couldn't agree on a course of action. I divorced when my husband developed a gambling problem & I started saying "NO" to his distructive behaviors.
I've been listening to Matt for YEARS. He hasn't been wrong yet in my love life. He never stops amazing me. Thank You, Matt for jumping on your calling. You're wonderful 💛
The fear of rejection has always been the key reason why I'm "too nice" or people pleasing. But Audrey's point was great, in that I'm more likely to be rejected for being too nice than for being myself. Another reason too is not revealing too much of myself, it's a protection thing. But it's also linked to a confidence and self esteem thing too.
Outstanding vid! Really gets down to the core of our personalities and true motives as to why we do what we do in relationships. Childhood issues that we had tend to play out in our adult lives. Those "fight, flight, freeze and fawn" tendencies that we learned in childhood that protected us from rejection and abandonment are still in our subconscious, and we will use them in romantic relationships to avoid emotional pain. If people can't love and accept us for who we are, they weren't meant to be in our lives. Too many people are looking for perfection in an imperfect world.
I've treated someone as a star at first and i was just the fan but then after a couple months i became the star -- i think that's fine and works to your advantage if you do it correctly and you have something to offer
I am the too nice kind too. My problem is not how i am, but the fact that i am never choosing partners that reciprocate or even appreciate what i do. I think many women here may have the same situation. I am 42 male from Lisbon. There goes my message in a bottle
I stood up for my self and we had an argument, next time I saw him he said he said he had doubts about me…so I left. Thank god it happened now and not later on!
If you wanna see a typical “yes person” - watch Coming to America… bark like a dog scene… 😉 On a different note - why have 4 people at the table on a podcast yet Matt does a 30min monologue 🤷♀️ perhaps less of a “teacher” lecture and more of a discussion?
He walks out when we fight. It's been 6 months and any questions about where this is going are met with "I love you. If you don't see how much I love you then..." and some other sort of bullshit. I know he's wasting my time and I'm being delusional but now that it's affecting my time and money, nah lol. I'll have a discussion with him today and if he walks out again I'll just let him walk out.
First, work on knowing and proving yourself. Once you know your limitations as well as your value, there's much less likelihood that you will act like a doormat
Teal Swan once said ;D (YES) that if we lean into people pleasing in our behavior, deep down we are afraid of people. I think this point has value in this discussion. Thank you everyone contributing to this channel for making these great and helpful videos!
I love this conversation. I just recently met someone online and this topic is exactly what happened on meeting the first date. He was exactly everything I was looking for in a man and I choked up and pulled back because I wasn't sure if he was legit or playing a manipulation game. I'm cautious. So conversation was good in some moments, but other times it was me that didn't know what to say and I was being too nice and it got awkward a lot. I'm actually really ashamed of myself for sleeping with him on the first date, (that was awkward too) but I broke my own rule of thumb, and I believe it caused a lack of respect between both of us. Anyways, he did text me the next day but not very much. Then a couple days went by and I never heard from him, and still haven't. Okay to my point, what I do think what happens like in my situation, I choked up because I wasn't sure of his intentions and who he was. I'm a bit reluctant to open up so widely. But I know he was no better than me and I didn't fawn over him too hard cuz I know my self-worth and what I deserve. So in that case, I was really hoping he'd have the patience to let me open up to him and I think things could be different because we had a good connection at moments. So finding someone who is willing to have the patience for someone like me who chokes up around men easily, is something more people need to practice. But that also makes it clear of what his intentions were to begin with. Apologies for the long story I had to get that out.
Can you all address how “fawning” which is in many ways what you are describing, is so hardwired due to upbringing. It’s an automatic response. So while this make sense logically, how do we rewire our behavior and fawning reaction?
@17:27 the Mini Bar effect - my father taught me that, it was the only way I could spend any time with him. We learn that stuff very young, before we have any awareness that it never works, not even with Dad.
From personal experience, When I started dating my ex girlfriend, I was very laid back and kept myself composed with my emotions. In the first month, Her ex boyfriend was still in the picture because he was persistent towards her about wanting to get back together. She didn't want him This of course made her reach out to me and be vulnerable. I was there for her and reassured her that I was going to be there for her. She appreciated it and even said that I did more for her in the first three weeks of dating than her ex did in their five year relationship. A week later, we went away for the weekend together and it was amazing. We became really close and she didn't want the weekend to end. Neither did I to be honest. After she said that, she cried and opened up to me about stuff. It was that night I put her before myself and I realised how much I cared about her. Over the next few weeks, I kept putting her before myself and did everything for her. I even stopped living my life to help her to show her how I felt about her. Everytime we went out or did something together I always tried to make it adventurous. I lost myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I nearly go fired from my job because I would drop work to help her out. (Luckily I still have my job and I apologised to everyone for my actions) I was angry all the time. I wasn't happy. In that time, I lost my self respect and she took advantage of that to the point where she said horrible things about me and she even was physically abusive a couple of times. I was too nice to her because I gave too much too soon. Despite me trying to compose myself at the start. I thought she would change if I gave more and more. What I am trying to say is... I've leart from my mistakes and taken accountability for my role. I know it's hard to not put someone else above your own needs, but trust me... No one is more important than you. Especially in dating. You have needs and a life, too. Look after yourself and keep educating yourself to become a stronger and continue to be that wonderful individual that you are. I believe you all can do it and with Matthew's help, I learnt a lot from him and even though I am better off after the breakup, I still enjoy educating myself from his videos and lessons. Thank you, Matthew for all you do for us. 💯
Hey Luke! Early on in your text here you write that the situation with her ex "of course" made her reach out to you. Actually I think this behavior of her's is really strange and would be a red flag in my experience. Doesn't she have a girlfriend or friends and family she can reach out to? Do you know for sure that things were actually over but the ex was not accepting that? All this information and emotional input made you feel a lot of sympathy and compassion for her. Which she absolutely took advantage of later.
I love how Mathew addresses the topic of finding love. It makes me think that growing up, I have only come across narratives on how you need to change to fit in to his idea of love or in general sense and I love how Mathew advises otherwise, with such detailed insights and metaphors! It’s important to be and have fun in a relationship, but as they say, First things first baby! 😊
Awesome! Everyone who has experienced narcissistic relational abuse needs to watch this, and especially to take to heart the advice "Stop this nonsense". Best video yet. Thanks, team xx
People pleasing and Narcissism is two sides of Transactional relationship, both need self awareness/self love to be people and not role-playing. Happiness is being enough/accepting self and sharing enjoyment of life.
I liked this a lot: 10:30 "You are really impressive AND I need to be able to be myself around you, and I need you to be able to make space for that." "to be able to make space for me" is a really important Quality of other people, just like intellect, openness, kindness, etc. And somehow I tend to take it out from the equation when I estimate how great they are.
Craft service is the department that sets up a table on the sets of film, television, and videos, to provide snacks, drinks, and other services to the cast and crew. The other services include providing things like antacids, bandages, lotion, sunscreen, lip balm, etc.
Well said👍❤ when Matt talked about being agreeable and saying your ok but your not and then 20yrs later you've had enough, decide to have boundaries and the other person acts out... that's my parents. And I am learning how to break that cycle. Thank you for your wisdom crew🤗❤
I don’t know if he has any formal education but he is certainly well-read. He’s popular because he truly helps people, me included. You don’t always need a formal education in a subject to be knowledgeable or helpful in it.
@@NatalieZii thank you:) definitely helpful and seems that what he does comes from a good place. I am just wondering because I couldn’t find something on the web.
The thing is it just happens automatically and I cannot control it...I try to be myself around someone I like but internally I become so nervous and eventually things get screwed up in exactly the way u described.. so I ended up avoiding meeting new ppl coz I know I won't be able to be my self (which they initially admire and like) and will go down the same loop..:)
Damn that’s some real shit. I wish you were my friend, I love convos like this however I just don’t know anyone I can talk on a deep level with. Very surface round here.
18 minutes in, they all show how ordinary they are vs Matthew by the way they keep going on about his analogy and him turning it around. ‘It’s the first one he has failed at’. Thank God Matthew is the one running these videos or we’d be having a one up-manship show.
Love this. If you treat someone as if they're a star, they'll treat you like a fan.
Facts!
So well said👩🎨🐕
Only when they‘re trash! 🚮
@@karadiberlino yes extremely true
God bless you sincerely million times
If they've got any worth or true character to them,then they would know to treat others how they wish to be treated
Thank you so very much for your insights enlightenment 🌞🌳🙏
@@susanparker9877 then these types are not worth knowing or worthy of our time
Being with someone super agreeable all the time is draining too. It makes them more dull, you feel you can’t trust them because you know they’re not being their real self. Also, they don’t know their own boundaries, so don’t know how to tell you when you’re unintentionally stepping on their boundaries. They act in a way that’s not genuine, so eventually they’ll get to a point where they’ll feel resentful towards you, or may say that their feelings for you changed. Their feelings for you didn’t change, they just didn’t allow themselves to feel or show those feelings with you, and after not being able to stuff it down anymore, they let it all out in an avalanche move. Also, if you’re an intuitive person, which most women are, you’ll know that something is up but won’t know how to address things, because the other person won’t ever admit to them because they deal with things by laughing things off and acting like nothing is wrong - so eventually you’ll probably burst out too out of frustration. So basically, bottom line is, be authentic. Don’t be a people pleaser. Reveal yourself slowly (always vet good character and good intentions though, especially in this day and age of bad relationship behaviors). While you’re showing yourself and vetting, s/he will show himself for who they are eventually because people can’t keep up a show for too long.
Thissssss
I needed to hear this. I’ve always been a yes girl or someone who hates conflict so I dance around my relationships. Not anymore… it’s stressful and it drains me to the core.
You are not less valuable than your old partners! You are very valuable indeed! In your own unique way! Don’t be small! Speak up!
It doesn't need to be like that Stacie...you don't need to be, I promise!
I'm a fairly hard**ed guy, I have rigid princples that I won't bend for anyone and I won't cater my existence to benefit the experience of somebody else. I'm 40, no criminal record so I don't have a problem keeping my temper but never play games. I don't have more than a couple drinks because I like to be able to defend myself always, I adore the responsibility of being a man.
That is context for the fact I would never argue with a woman, it's not my job to dominate them or anything Id like to do. Just because we would never argue doesn't mean we couldn't disagree, it matters how we talk to each other.
It's your individuality that is what is beautiful, the imperfect flower. Nobody special is intrigued by average...I have boring women hit on me all the time, I never bite. If your body is the best thing you have to offer I'm out, it doesn't matter how good looking you are.
I can be a very abrasive man but I don't want to be like that to my woman, she can understand I can be brutal but know never with her. I want her gentleness and nurturing, come back after working in -40, wash up before you enter a room with her and have your face gently held or kissed...what else do men really want?
It’s crazy how EVERY word hits me to my core. This is exactly how I am everytime I like someone. Matthew just gets me so well
Wait wow the mini bar analogy is so amazing. Instead of just being you, you’re trying to be anything and everything to the person you want
I’ve definitely done this, even in my thirties (which I still am). I feel I may have somewhat skipped puberty or experience it very late, cause I’ve never had teenage love and now make all of the mistakes most people probably make at a young age.
Same. Immigrant kid so my teen years were about working, school, and not dating. We'll be alright
You are not alone in that feeling - i feel the same way as you do. I even asked my sister the other day on the phone if she thought I was always a "late bloomer", and she said yes she always thought that. What's interesting though is I thought about this deeply and have this perspective to share - when we "bloom late", it means we are now wiser to FULLY enjoy those things we did not know how to enjoy back then. A lot of people hit their peaks and primes early and the shallow shell falls off with the inevitable introduction of mortality and time. If you feel like you experience things later than others - there is so much wisdom in that and you can now enjoy lots of beautiful things in life that one cannot when they are young in the same way. Perspective
You see this a lot in online dating forums. People posting screenshots of texts they had with someone they met through an app and they ask others what they should say next or where they went wrong in the conversation, etc. If they were talking to the person who is right for them, they wouldn't need to be asking online forums for opinions on what their next lines should be. It's sad people are so scared to be themselves in fear of rejection.
As a man, i have to say some of our personalities can come off as "excitable" (in the good way). That is who i am and ive scared off a lot of women or turned them off socially. Another reason why we turn "nice" is because some of us do need to show a little self control when it comes to presenting ourselves to others, and honestly some of the stuff that we think is funny could be absolutely diabolical to someone else.
I was “too nice” while dating an ex who truly didn’t care for me. I did resent them a lot, but also myself. Because I made myself small and always too accommodating while compromising myself. At one point, I thought to myself, “I don’t know who I am in this relationship.” I truly did not recognize the person I was because it felt like an unauthentic version of myself that I knew wasn’t the real me. I was unconsciously compromising myself in order to cater to my ex. I’m still learning to let go, move on, and grow out of being a “too nice” person. But I’m happier I left that relationship behind.
I just came out of a relationship like that. I also asked myself "who am I in this relationship?" He didn't care about me but would call me to ask for favours even after I put an end to it. I had to ask him to stop calling me because it wasn't doing me any good if I wanted to move on. I'm so disappointed with myself. I was too nice to him.
Which 'you' did your ex not care for, the real you or the fake you?
@@roberttruman8444 I think that this is such a profound question . If I’m abandoning myself ( my history, values, treasures) to accommodate someone not only am I not honoring me, I’m not giving that someone a chance to value the real me.
@@marz1222 True, but would you feel quite as bad as you do if you knew that it wasn't you who she didn't care about, but more of a persona? Not that it would change anything of course because the way she perceives you still stands, and to reveal your genuine self now would be futile. But if you go away for 2 years, work on yourself and undergo a little bit of physical reinvention, you may get a chance to reconnect with her. That's a method people use to get out of the friend zone anyway.
welcome to the world of narcissist or world of avoidance. The one with attachment like those 2 will always devaluate you till you dry. Heal yourself , be authentic and runnaway from them.
Great video!! Touches on not just one's attraction to others, but how someone can lose sight of how they view themselves (or, god forbid, devalue themselves) when in love relationships. It's funny how the hardest thing to do when trying to find love is "be yourself", because we're trying hard to "win over" someone vs actually being your true self to see whether it's honestly a good love match.
I actually cannot believe you made this video lol. I described this feeling almost verbatim to my therapist last week. I am a yes girl only when it comes to romantic relationships and just haven’t been able to map out how to NOT be. This is one I’ll be listening to on repeat. THANK YOU 💞
~That is because your phone 'listens' to your conversations, and puts up videos, and ads, according to words you say~
@@kathyingram3061 girl he didn't make this video because he heard me talking 😂 i wish though
@@nataliecampbell8737 ~Ok, it was made only 10 days ago, so youre probably right...ha ha, but it is true that TH-cam will 'suggest' videos put in our feed that are about things we have talked, or texted, or emailed about!~☆~
It’s been 10 months. We’re you and your therapist able to pinpoint why and HOW not to be this “yes” type in romantic relationships? What was the answer
@@kendanzan8088 you must heal previous relationship wounds with partners, parents, etc. I took a long break from dating and did a lot of inner work which helped tremendously. When you learn to take ANYONE off the pedestal, that's when things change. Spend quality time with people who love you helps as well.
So needed to hear this! Have always been a people pleaser, agreeing when i disagreed and it was draining. Also it was not being fair to the person because they didnt see my true self and were likely getting bored with my yes all the time. Thank you for this Matthew
I was recently in a relationship where i was "the nice person". Everytime when i tried to set boundries, he soul get annoyed with me for being dramatic or ruining a good mood. Eventually i felt like my needs or feelings didn't matter to him. I broke up with him, full of resentment.
This pod cast had so many " wow" moments for me. Thank you Matt for posting !
man.... this really hit hard. I completely did this with a crush recently. I feel like my behavior was like I was 15. I'm a 39 year old man with loads of dating experience but last break up really did it for me. This crush was the second time in 7 years I felt attraction for someone (first was my ex) and I completely went the two nice route! I even had mutual friends saying we where great for each other but I fobbled it up completely. I'm even too ashamed now to contact her again and I think that's for the best now... and don't even let me start on the insane anxiety I felt just by texting her... I'm glad I understand all of this now and working on moving on but man... I really threw myself at her feet like a rug... and it hurts way more to be rejected for not showing who you really are... and now she won't ever know who I really am...
Why not just reach out to her & see. You never know what's possible unless you take some risks. If it doesn't work out, you at least don't have any question marks in your head & can fully move on.
@@lycheedreams hey thanks for the comment. I think there isn't any salvaging as I did tell her directly how I felt. There's some stuff as well I discovered that made me think if I wasn't ready for a relationship, she lacks the emotional maturity to be in one (playing mind games with guys and other stuff) Too many details to share here but I moved on and found someone who is clear in her communication and has the emotional maturity I am looking for. I think my anxiety was going up because of her lack of a straight answer and just putting me in her games? I did offer for us to meet and talk a month ago and got no answer. That is it and that is done. Happier now with someone that is clear in the way she comunicates.
The title of this should be "authenticity." This perfectly encapsulated why I stepped back from my family of origin: they weren't open to me being my authentic self. If I wasn't what they wanted - being agreeable - they would negate me/disappear. 🙏
I listened to this podcast a while ago, but this came up on my TH-cam at exactly the time I needed it to.
I've really been struggling this week, I always say the thing, but it's always hard. I asked for my needs to be met this week, and he just can't at the moment, which is really painful, but the conversation we had was really healthy.
Sameeee
Regarding “exercising needs with other people and not having them with an S.O.”; that was all my relationships to a T. I never realized it or what I needed or could have due to a traumatic life. My last partner, I grew enough with therapy to find my voice and express my needs to them. And he never respected it. Ever. I tried to “stomach it” and “believe he was giving me enough” for a year, I recognized what I was doing to stunt my own healing, and I left. I have so much hope for my future of dating and finding someone who hears my voice. ❤
This is one of my favorite ones, so powerful and true ❤
Dear lord I NEED this one today, going to listen now
I regained assertiveness almost a year after knowing my special person. We both are predictable, now. Being a situationship, I hope our love will now evolve, this week.
I actually did so much better after I decided to start treating women like I had already slept with them. I am actually a better BF that a Date so it got rid on nervousness and is more honest. Works for me, anyway. I see too many people get lazy in a relationship to ever let that be me.
Which language is this? 🧐🤔
This is very helpful. Thought I was doing things wrong by opening up and finding things out. Glad I'm on the right path. Thank you for your program.
Guess when I get rejected I doubt myself if real love exists.
I love this debate between you , so much of it resonates with me.
I think differently now then when I was 20. I'm able to see how every individual has right to be loved and to be unique. I was quite person and afraid to show my feelings, my opinions and my care for the person I love! Don't be surprised by that. Trying to avoid the rejection from ppl. Knowing I'm not strong enough or pretty enough to win someone to love me. So what I have missed I wanted. I wanted someone who is smart, rich and famous 😍 to be interested in me. In my late 30st I found out that it wasn't really my goal so I moved on and I needed somebody to be in love with me the way I'm gonna love him. Someone to match and cover my needs ! 👶😃 when I became 40 nothing is really important for me. And it doesn't matter what ppl think of me or if they like my partner that I choose.. All I need is 💘 and ✌
24.35: "they won the genetic lottery for symmetry" omg matthew haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Outstanding clear and logical analysis
this is a really good video with tons of good advice.
always on point! thanks Matt
Thank you for the wealth of wisdom , knowledge and insight… you have help me in a way I can not put in words
Great content! It always helps!
I would love to have another video on dating someone with a kid, as some guideline of yours might change…or not. It makes dating a lot more difficult. At least that’s how I feel at the moment, when you have a ‚free‘ life without bringing a kid into a new dating situation.
That would be a helpful video. It's really challenging dating a person with children, -even when they're adults. (That could be a separate video🐍) The maturity and wisdom of the parent are major factors, much needed to protect the children. People need to take it slow so that vulnerable kids aren't put through the vortex of a bad relationship.
Loved it 111 comments soz, had to add that. Smashing it you lot 🥰thank you
This was so useful for my work in sales 👍
I know u do coaching mainly for women, but i need to say something. Matthew i really like your content as a men. Your work gives me hope to find a woman that fits to me. There is hope that there are still "oldschool" women out there, not the gen Z TikTok Selfie women :D I'm 28 btw and had a toxic relationship. Was not her fault, she just needs time to handle her depression and thats what made her stop loving me.
20:45 blew my fucking mind
Me sitting up „Did someone say freaky?“😁
Wonderful information 💗💗💗
Love this! Wish I have heard it 21 years ago
Love the content. Dislike the imbalance of people talking.
Love this too nice to the people around you💖💖
I wonder, say you engage in this kind of behavior, can it be undone and save the relationship? Say the first month is tons of confidence, passion, etc, and then a conflict changes things and the nice switch turns on. 2 months in, the relationship is awkward but still alive, can the course be corrected? And how?
It ended on a strong piece of bs did it not. Concentrate on connecting !? What does that even mean?
my "moment" was when a guy accidentally threw a pen at me because he was really nervous while talking to me. I found that endearing and sweet, hahaha
Thank u ❤
Yes, yes, yes!
Shout out to Alain De Bottom from the School of Life Channel! @16:10
Mini bar mentality is incredibly expensive!! The cost is way too high not to live your life authentically.
So when ppl come up as convenient, serving you, available and actually be there not because they have a plan, but because they wanna show you their full attention are not worthy and also ''butter on the bread'' so that the other who cannot control his respect levels, will use it and use you. Sounds like the real bastard tho is the other and not you who offer your services.
Hi Mathew, Great knowledge I appreciate. How do I get your Email for some advice?
I absolutely HATE when I feel and act that way! I get so sweaty 🥵
I am tooooooo nice. My downfall.
Hi Matthew so how do I know after 3years with my guy if he really cares for me he does not verbalize withe words but lots of actions and consistent .we are in our sixties . Pl help with an answer ty
23:00
Damn
loved this
I am naturally very sweet and kind and considerate & so accommodating… my EX said I was such a pleaser… but sweet people have big egos and we know our self worth, at least I do… and he’s now he’s still trying to process the reality that I walked walk away & shut the door! Don’t take advantage of sweet people, let them be sweet…because sometimes it’s just in their nature to be so giving and selfless
You would not have anything done in á household, if you would over analyze every thought.
Should I ? Shouldnt I do this, this way and this this way?...The over-analyzing takes more energy
then just do it, in good will.
He must understand that you are gong forward, therefore you are sweet and kind.
you are not going to overanalyze every thought, in order to feel safe....it wouiôld lower your energy to actually do things.
Kindness allows you to be calma nd do things.
Same!!!!!!
To those who are pleaser or giver types, maybe this helps:
Your partner also gains from you being more assertive when it comes to addressing your needs.
There is obviously a line between being selfish and simply asking for your fair share. But people who are too nice can make relationships of any sort harder sometimes.
There is a reason for the rule in case of an airplane incident that you should put your own oxygen mask on first - you can't help others if you haven't helped yourself. There is a reason to why you should be less nice, but more predictable in traffic - other drivers and pedestrians need guidance, too.
Most people aren't givers. Most people also aren't takers, either. Most simply think the world should be in balance. But most people don't expect you to be too nice, because you're not the norm (sadly).
Think about discussions with partners about what you want to eat for dinner or if you want to go out and if to where and if it's the cinema what movie to be watched. It can be frustrating to not get to an answer. Sometimes it's nice if someone creates a fact. Isn't it sometimes nice if someone else takes charge? Be that nice person, who takes the responsibility away from your partner. It creates security, a plan, something to look forward to, something to work towards. And sometimes that's exactly what your partner (or anyone else) wants from you.
Knowing who you are and what you want is the hardest thing to get to in life - sometimes I feel most people never get there. But once you do, it's not just your life that improves, it's other people's, as well. Life is about trial and error. If you never take the initiative, you'll never get to make the errors and therefore never get to improve - improve your life and that of others.
It's a good thing to be a giver, never give that up. It's a good thing to care for others and to try to make the world a tiny little bit better every day.
But you're more worth to the rest of us when you are happy.
There are a lot of good thoughts here. Enjoyed the read. 👩🎨🐕
Great post and advice. Thank you for taking the time.
Your input was most helpful. I had to read it multiple times. Thank you 😊
I think the most challenging part about changing in terms of being a giver or people pleaser is that it's rooted in our attachment style. So it requires a lot of self awareness, assertiveness, reflection and consistent work in and outside relationships to change. That said, it's totally doable and should be the goal for anyone who aren't securely attached. Great post. Good insight 😊
When you assert a boundary (eg. something as reasonable as please don’t keep waking me up in early hours with texts, prefer a more social able hour!) & someone says they would rather not be with you than adapt, how do you believe that that is because they can’t adapt & not link it to your worth, especially when you see them gladly going out of their way for another & behaving like a gentleman. Feels like everything I had to bring to their life wasn’t worth a small price to pay but another they would pay loads for!
It is truly fascinating when you already stopped liking someone, you start to see all your efforts and how they were not appreciated.
It’s neediness. For whatever reason, you feel like you need to have this person to provide value in your life. So you’ll bend over backwards trying to please this person, even at the expense of yourself.
Take it slow, give yourself time to set boundaries and aim to find a best friend who you're attracted to.
9:42..the goal changes from "I want to find a connection" to "I want to win over *this* person."
Oh man, I've done this, argh !
"why, because they won the genetic lottery of symmetry?" Hahahahah.
In the next relationship that I will have, I would rather be with someone that I'm not very attracted to than be with someone that I'm head over heels with. I become submissive and taken advantage of when I like the person so much. This decision is based from my past experiences.
Well hey there 😏😅
This video session gets to the very kernel of things I have often struggled with in dating throughout life. It’s exactly what I needed to hear- what I was searching for yet didn’t realize. Thank you. You guys are sincerely the best in this space. I have enjoyed many of your other videos as well- although this particular one seems to have been mystically meant for me. My paradigm has shifted. I am now much better off going forward. ❤❤
Matthew this is so perfect when you said we over value other people when we should really value ourselves . To try to be what we think this other person wants just to get them to like you alway's fail. Value and worth and standards are the key to being our own self. We don't need another person to make us feel good about ourselves , what we need is to value ourselves for who we are. When you have standards and you keep them no matter how wonderful you think this other person is then you win.
3yrs with my partner & I’m only just learning how to set boundaries & stop being “too nice”. This is great, thank you ❤
This is an excellent topic. I wish I had understood this when I was dating & newly engaged. What many young people don't realize is that there is conflict in all relationships & if there is no healthy foundation for conflict resolution in the relationship, the relationship can go south very quickly. Children get sick, children develop mental illness, people get fired from their jobs, people make bad investments & people develop addictions. If one person is always "nice" & agreable but then an important issue arises that approaches a deal breaking situation, the other person may feel their sense of entitlement attacked. I know a couple that divorced when their teenage son developed mental illness & they couldn't agree on a course of action. I divorced when my husband developed a gambling problem & I started saying "NO" to his distructive behaviors.
You stood up for yourself rather than be sunk with him. 👩🎨🐕
This is where knowing the difference between niceness and kindness.
I've been listening to Matt for YEARS. He hasn't been wrong yet in my love life. He never stops amazing me. Thank You, Matt for jumping on your calling. You're wonderful 💛
The fear of rejection has always been the key reason why I'm "too nice" or people pleasing. But Audrey's point was great, in that I'm more likely to be rejected for being too nice than for being myself. Another reason too is not revealing too much of myself, it's a protection thing. But it's also linked to a confidence and self esteem thing too.
Outstanding vid! Really gets down to the core of our personalities and true motives as to why we do what we do in relationships. Childhood issues that we had tend to play out in our adult lives. Those "fight, flight, freeze and fawn" tendencies that we learned in childhood that protected us from rejection and abandonment are still in our subconscious, and we will use them in romantic relationships to avoid emotional pain. If people can't love and accept us for who we are, they weren't meant to be in our lives. Too many people are looking for perfection in an imperfect world.
I've treated someone as a star at first and i was just the fan but then after a couple months i became the star -- i think that's fine and works to your advantage if you do it correctly and you have something to offer
Exactly!
Not everyone understands this… 😊
This was a real eye opener, i’ve been realizing this slowly over the last couple weeks and this video graded it perfectly
Same here
I am the too nice kind too. My problem is not how i am, but the fact that i am never choosing partners that reciprocate or even appreciate what i do. I think many women here may have the same situation. I am 42 male from Lisbon. There goes my message in a bottle
I stood up for my self and we had an argument, next time I saw him he said he said he had doubts about me…so I left. Thank god it happened now and not later on!
If you wanna see a typical “yes person” - watch Coming to America… bark like a dog scene… 😉
On a different note - why have 4 people at the table on a podcast yet Matt does a 30min monologue 🤷♀️ perhaps less of a “teacher” lecture and more of a discussion?
I really like Audrey. She comes across as quite genuine to me. Also as a mental health nurse myself, her views are always very valid
He walks out when we fight. It's been 6 months and any questions about where this is going are met with "I love you. If you don't see how much I love you then..." and some other sort of bullshit. I know he's wasting my time and I'm being delusional but now that it's affecting my time and money, nah lol. I'll have a discussion with him today and if he walks out again I'll just let him walk out.
Great episode! So important for me to be mindful of building others up on pedestals and how that can affect how I relate to them.
Shear the love round ❤️
First, work on knowing and proving yourself. Once you know your limitations as well as your value, there's much less likelihood that you will act like a doormat
Teal Swan once said ;D (YES) that if we lean into people pleasing in our behavior, deep down we are afraid of people. I think this point has value in this discussion. Thank you everyone contributing to this channel for making these great and helpful videos!
I love this conversation.
I just recently met someone online and this topic is exactly what happened on meeting the first date. He was exactly everything I was looking for in a man and I choked up and pulled back because I wasn't sure if he was legit or playing a manipulation game. I'm cautious. So conversation was good in some moments, but other times it was me that didn't know what to say and I was being too nice and it got awkward a lot. I'm actually really ashamed of myself for sleeping with him on the first date, (that was awkward too) but I broke my own rule of thumb, and I believe it caused a lack of respect between both of us.
Anyways, he did text me the next day but not very much. Then a couple days went by and I never heard from him, and still haven't. Okay to my point, what I do think what happens like in my situation, I choked up because I wasn't sure of his intentions and who he was. I'm a bit reluctant to open up so widely. But I know he was no better than me and I didn't fawn over him too hard cuz I know my self-worth and what I deserve. So in that case, I was really hoping he'd have the patience to let me open up to him and I think things could be different because we had a good connection at moments. So finding someone who is willing to have the patience for someone like me who chokes up around men easily, is something more people need to practice. But that also makes it clear of what his intentions were to begin with.
Apologies for the long story I had to get that out.
Can you all address how “fawning” which is in many ways what you are describing, is so hardwired due to upbringing. It’s an automatic response. So while this make sense logically, how do we rewire our behavior and fawning reaction?
@17:27 the Mini Bar effect - my father taught me that, it was the only way I could spend any time with him. We learn that stuff very young, before we have any awareness that it never works, not even with Dad.
From personal experience,
When I started dating my ex girlfriend, I was very laid back and kept myself composed with my emotions. In the first month, Her ex boyfriend was still in the picture because he was persistent towards her about wanting to get back together. She didn't want him This of course made her reach out to me and be vulnerable. I was there for her and reassured her that I was going to be there for her. She appreciated it and even said that I did more for her in the first three weeks of dating than her ex did in their five year relationship.
A week later, we went away for the weekend together and it was amazing. We became really close and she didn't want the weekend to end. Neither did I to be honest.
After she said that, she cried and opened up to me about stuff. It was that night I put her before myself and I realised how much I cared about her.
Over the next few weeks, I kept putting her before myself and did everything for her. I even stopped living my life to help her to show her how I felt about her. Everytime we went out or did something together I always tried to make it adventurous.
I lost myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I nearly go fired from my job because I would drop work to help her out. (Luckily I still have my job and I apologised to everyone for my actions)
I was angry all the time. I wasn't happy.
In that time, I lost my self respect and she took advantage of that to the point where she said horrible things about me and she even was physically abusive a couple of times.
I was too nice to her because I gave too much too soon. Despite me trying to compose myself at the start. I thought she would change if I gave more and more.
What I am trying to say is... I've leart from my mistakes and taken accountability for my role. I know it's hard to not put someone else above your own needs, but trust me... No one is more important than you. Especially in dating. You have needs and a life, too. Look after yourself and keep educating yourself to become a stronger and continue to be that wonderful individual that you are. I believe you all can do it and with Matthew's help, I learnt a lot from him and even though I am better off after the breakup, I still enjoy educating myself from his videos and lessons.
Thank you, Matthew for all you do for us. 💯
Thank you for sharing that with us! ♡
Thats true. Been there done that too in ma past relationships.
Sounds like both of you have/had growing up to do.
Hey Luke! Early on in your text here you write that the situation with her ex "of course" made her reach out to you. Actually I think this behavior of her's is really strange and would be a red flag in my experience. Doesn't she have a girlfriend or friends and family she can reach out to? Do you know for sure that things were actually over but the ex was not accepting that? All this information and emotional input made you feel a lot of sympathy and compassion for her. Which she absolutely took advantage of later.
love your honesty and transparency and humilation. You will find someone with those same qualities. Be patient.
oh wow 'won the genetic lottery on symmetry ?? that makes them more important than you...what nonsense....' was some of the best words everrrrr
Its important to be yourself from the beginning of a relationship if you want to find someone suitable. Otherwise it is a charade.
Yea, it’s so scary when it’s a big chemistry.
I nearly get breathless just thinking of it.
I love how Mathew addresses the topic of finding love. It makes me think that growing up, I have only come across narratives on how you need to change to fit in to his idea of love or in general sense and I love how Mathew advises otherwise, with such detailed insights and metaphors! It’s important to be and have fun in a relationship, but as they say, First things first baby! 😊
Awesome! Everyone who has experienced narcissistic relational abuse needs to watch this, and especially to take to heart the advice "Stop this nonsense". Best video yet. Thanks, team xx
People pleasing and Narcissism is two sides of Transactional relationship, both need self awareness/self love to be people and not role-playing. Happiness is being enough/accepting self and sharing enjoyment of life.
I liked this a lot:
10:30 "You are really impressive AND I need to be able to be myself around you, and I need you to be able to make space for that."
"to be able to make space for me" is a really important Quality of other people, just like intellect, openness, kindness, etc. And somehow I tend to take it out from the equation when I estimate how great they are.
This video should be called "why we became so insecure" when someone we like a lot appears in our life
I deeply appreciate this Matthew, we need to get back to our internal truths.
Craft service is the department that sets up a table on the sets of film, television, and videos, to provide snacks, drinks, and other services to the cast and crew. The other services include providing things like antacids, bandages, lotion, sunscreen, lip balm, etc.
Well said👍❤ when Matt talked about being agreeable and saying your ok but your not and then 20yrs later you've had enough, decide to have boundaries and the other person acts out... that's my parents. And I am learning how to break that cycle. Thank you for your wisdom crew🤗❤
"Looks mean nothing to me!" *Looking at Audrey* I call Bullshit, Matthew Hussey!
I am curious about Matthew's professional qualifications and education in psychology/therapy. Does anyone know?
I don’t know if he has any formal education but he is certainly well-read. He’s popular because he truly helps people, me included. You don’t always need a formal education in a subject to be knowledgeable or helpful in it.
@@NatalieZii thank you:) definitely helpful and seems that what he does comes from a good place. I am just wondering because I couldn’t find something on the web.
The thing is it just happens automatically and I cannot control it...I try to be myself around someone I like but internally I become so nervous and eventually things get screwed up in exactly the way u described.. so I ended up avoiding meeting new ppl coz I know I won't be able to be my self (which they initially admire and like) and will go down the same loop..:)
I find that if I just accept that I'm nervous and smile anyway, things usually work out!
Damn that’s some real shit. I wish you were my friend, I love convos like this however I just don’t know anyone I can talk on a deep level with. Very surface round here.
18 minutes in, they all show how ordinary they are vs Matthew by the way they keep going on about his analogy and him turning it around. ‘It’s the first one he has failed at’. Thank God Matthew is the one running these videos or we’d be having a one up-manship show.