She did not have to practice the speech because that would not make what she just said authentic. She mapped out the three areas resilient people flourish in. Listen to it again and you would understand that practicing her speech would not be part Being true to herself.
@@darrinsiberia I had the experience at my wife's funeral last month. Apart from when my pants fell down, I communicated in a calm, composed way. I've been anything but that at times before that and since.
@@peneloperodgers8019 I think it's a bit disingenuous to assume she didn't practice - the speech has been carefully written, it's not off the cuff. That doesn't make it less authentic in the slightest, it simply means she's taken the time to chose her words and convey the relevant messages in the best possible way in the allotted time.
In this video, she is also five years into her grieving process. As we share our pain with others in healthy ways and receive support for it, that pain dulls and becomes less acute. In our greatest grief (losing our only child), my wife and I couldn't talk about it without crying for probably over a year. But each time, it was a little bit less painful. Now we cry about it a lot less, even when sharing our deepest pain, partly because we have healed so much over time since it happened.
Resilience - especially three strategies: a) 7:10 - acceptance/acknowlegdement of situation as part of life b) 8:18 - selectional attention (focus on things you can change/ on positive things, e.g. name three things you are/were grateful for) c) 12:20 - "is what you are doing helping or harming you?" (control over situation/ be kind to yourself/ according to speakers experience - most powerful/useful tool) Thank you for sharing. Stay strong!
I have chronic pain and lupus and one of the things that gets me through is a similar saying to the one you quoted: "I will not let what I can't do keep me from doing what I CAN do" 💜
Wonderfully presented by Lucy Hone 1. Know that there's suffering in life 2. Choose those aspects which are in our control 3. Is what we are doing helping or harming us? Amazing strategies, it helps immensely!
What a great testimony. This was my motivational to start my day this morning. It's so encouraging and I'm so glad for this. Thanks for sharing the strategies too. God bless you in your work Lucy ❤❤❤
Engraining this in my mind: 1) Sh*t happens. Suffering is part of life. 2) Don't waste my energy on things I cannot change. Pay attention to things that are in my control and learn to accept what is not. 3) Is what I am doing/thinking helping me or harming me? Be kind to myself. "Don't lose what you have to what you have lost."
. . . . . I was 10 , when my dad died . What DID help me was realizing the fact that “Sh*t happens” ... Nobody ever promised u a lifetime availability of ur parental figures! But then u also can easily fall into total nihilism. I still type “ways to commit Suicide” into Search Engines... (btw: get I better responses on MeekD.. com than on Google ) . But Nihilism still helped me get more resilient
I have an illness that leaves me sobbing on the floor in pain every few months. I can at least testify to the second resilience secret: looking for at least one positive thing. I've looked at my pain as chance to increase my pain tolerance, and I've expressed gratitude to the people who helped me through it. That helps more than anything!!
I buried my son in 2014. He was almost 21 and died in the military. I didn’t realize it, but I basically did these things that she is talking about. I also have faith in Jesus.
It's impossible, really, to find the right words, any words seem so insignificant. Words cannot express what our hearts feel for you and your family. Bless you all.
Yes. Keep it in mind. These strategies don't take away the pain, but somehow provide some balance for it. Hang in. It gets better. Be kind to yourself.
@@meganhardy6983 I am so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you. It's been 9 months now, and I feel a thousand times better. Grateful to be here. And to be on a path of healing. Hope you are doing as good as you can be. Sending positive vibes your way.
My father has been fighting stage 4 lung cancer since I was in middle school. It's been 7 years by now. He had never smoked his entire life, and he barely ever drunk. The tumor has metastasized to the brain and he had an epilepsy due to cerebral edema, which I had to witness myself. I feel so lucky that he is still alive with me, thanks to the clinical trials in targeted therapy. I had three more major hardships in life, and I am going through an anxiety disorder because of all this. I am very proud for myself for not giving up, and I never will. Let's get through this together.
I had gone thru very similar situation with my mom lung cancer. She was 72 and we got only 6 weeks by the time finding out cancer to death. I went to depression and ended up taking medication and then realized it's just getting worst so early you help yourself is better.
@@jpat6360My dad and brother and I held my mother in our arms when she died of lung cancer at age 49. I was 28 at the time. My dad was a hero. He quit his high paying job to stay home and care for her to the end, starting his own business from home, which still exists decades later. He called us together and said we would not let her die in a hospital, and we would all live together for however long she lived (six months). We would also not be “grim” or “act differently” -in fact, with humor and amusement so that she would have a peaceful transition in the life we had always experienced with parents who loved and respected each other. It wasn’t always easy, but his steady, unwavering determination to get her (and all of us) through this passage as “normally” and pleasantly as possible, was, indeed, heroic. (She confided in me one day that in his grief at losing her he would sleep on the floor, on her side of the bed, sobbing quietly as he held her hand). Grief comes in a variety of forms. From what I’ve seen and experienced, every grieving person grieves in a unique way, not in the cookie-cutter “stages of grief” the “experts” set out before us. However, those stages do exist, just differently for everyone, and often not in the “order” generally put forth.
I have terminal cancer. At 73 yrs. of age, I have had to overcome many challenges. I am thankful for my faith in Jesus Christ, my my parents, who taught me resilience and my friends who love me, regardless of my many foibles. "TUNE INTO THE GOOD"
I’ve just returned from months in Ukraine. Every family I met has lost at least one family member or a close friend to the war. Your 3 strategies seem to have taken root there. Ukrainians are the most resilient people I know. Thank you for your powerful work.
I am so grateful for your talk today. Back in 1983 my wonderful son Scott was killed in a car accident. As a single mother and he my only child, I did not want to go on. I can still recall the excruciating pain. What helped me the most over the years was to see that Scott was such a gift to me. So, I tried to focus on how fortunate I was to have had him inbefore
My sincerest condolences for your loss and the excruciating pain you’ve gone through. I’m glad to know that you have found a way to continue through it.
Gosh, this lady is special beyond words. Teaching us her resilience strategies has helped so many people live through grief & pain. It certainly gives us all hope.
I have huge respect for this lady. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to bury your own child, let alone talk about such a painful experience of losing one's kid in such a public setting in order to help complete strangers.
So true. I remember reading a story a few years ago about a teenage girl who collided with another vehicle.... husband, wife, baby. The mother was the only survivor. Young girl was under the influence of alcohol. That mother decided it made no sense to "loose" another life. She forgave that girl and together they share the story of that accident to school kids, etc. That's another very strong, resilient woman!
Thank you so much for this. My husband recently passed and many ask and comment on how "strong I am" and it tends to anger me because I am only doing what is best for myself and our young daughter. It is what he would have wanted me to do. I grieve...I cry...I wish he was here, but I also fight and live each day and use self-talk to guide myself through each moment. It was refreshing to hear what I do in my brain being spoken as a TedTalk. :)
I just lost my mum and people say it to me all the time too, she brought me up to be resilient and I don't see myself as strong. I grieve her. It's a mindset thing.
People say "You are so strong" as they are thinking about how they would literally go to pieces and not be able to go on. It is hard for those on the outside as they really do not know what to say. Saying you are so strong is meant to be a compliment not an insult, so please know people are just trying to give you love when they say that. I prefer to say "you are so brave" or "you have so much courage" as I think that makes people feel a little less upset that they are being judged. Just a thought :) Sending you some good thoughts at this tough time for you.
You are proving the very advice given here: It is possible to grieve and live at the same time. I imagine it is not easy, and I admire your resiliency.
It isn't a competition. Some people's problems just may be "that bad," or worse. Please do not compare cause even if they are not "that bad," they may be bad enough.
Great talk, I would have loved to hear this many years ago, however I didn’t realize that I was resilient until now. I have lost my Mother, Father and finally my sister after she couldn’t stand her life without mom and dad. All past away about 18 months of each other leaving me a single father of 4 alone and lost. It took what seemed like forever but I woke up and was shown the way to life through prayers and honesty talking with my children. Our life is changing so quickly now for the better and we are definitely reaping the rewards of faith and believing in US. Thank you so very much for sharing!!! Have a great day and live a safe and happy life!!!
Oh dear William, I'm so terribly sorry you had to endure so many devastating tragedies! How did you cope with life and not only, how did you cope with this enormous responsibility of bringing up four small children? Must be God, helping you quietly, giving you injection of concentrated strength and stamina. This is what we mostly need from God - strength to deal with the bad situation were in, not necessarily resolving of the problem. I'll pray God never leaves you and your children. You're an example how we should all live!
I am the same - with all the grief I experienced in my life I turn to one thing, my faith in God. I had this conversation with my 15 year old son last night. I told him he has to have one thing or one person he can turn to when everything is in shambles. Bless your heart, I said a short prayer for you.
@Roxanna A Lopez oh, it just came to my mind, like someone told me to write it. I meant instant, quick help, miraculous intervention. I hope it helps. Happy New Year!
You are one of a kind. Very strong and very resilient. Stay strong for the 4 who always look up to you and one day will be very proud of you and how you handled these all single-handedly. It's like you are navigating a ship in the middle of a very stormy sea to a safe and sunny land. One day they will be very proud and grateful that how you took them to somewhere safe. Hugs from an Iranian in New Zealand ;)
Thank you for this lecture. Yes, deciding to look for the good can absolutely change our lives through changing our perspective. Refusing to live as a victim is key.
It's so hard to lose our children. I lots my girl. Thank God I had her children. I have been able to focus on her loves. They are my world and I thank her for her gift. I love them almost as she did.
Goodness me, this was a truly powerful speech. Her words were so authentic and the simplicity of her guidance was so impactful, definitely one of the best TED Talks I've heard yet!
"I didn't need to be told how bad things were . . .What I needed was hope." Dr.Lucy Hone. I'm so glad she addressed the well-meant advice that winds up depleting the energies and exacerbating the pain of people who are already suffering and feeling overwhelmed. I'm glad she offers a path forward that doesn't sugarcoat reality and acknowledges the obstacles and expectations people have, and then offers a practical mindset and approach for dealing with those things.
Wonderful talk!!! I’m 84, I have experienced many, many of your named experiences, your so right..in the blink of an eye, life can change completely. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have severe back pain and several other physical issues. im 24 only. I have wish live more than 40 years. I can't think about 80 years. Its huge. Pray for me.
I survived a crash at that corner, October 1979. Compound fractured skull compounded by extradural haematoma , days unconscious. Thank you Lucy. As I wasn’t expected to live, but be a “vegetable” , am pleased there’s psychological support available since then. I wish I’d heard Lucy’s TED talk earlier…
Thanks a lot for sharing this! I find this very helpful! “The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected. Only the wounded physician heals.” ― C.G. Jung
Essential this is the serenity prayer. Accept the things you cannot change, have courage to change the things you can, and be wise to know the difference
Her tone and her breathing is speaking for her. She is full of pain and frustration still. Not being resilient means you had the ability to overcome the pain. You just keep moving with the pain.
Everything she shares is in my life. She speaks with clarity and it does not mean we are super human or better than others...no, we just make it a choice no matter how difficult.
I can completely relate to the whole resilience thing. I have had a lot of good and bad experiences in my life. Even though during those times I felt hopeless, had no faith, or confidence, and gave up, I always searched for solutions and reached out for help. It was stressful but I accomplished everything with motivation and enjoy with the intelligence, tools,resources, and people. So therefore those experiences gave me strength and resilience. Think of the millions of people who gained resilience like that.
Hats off to this lady...i have met a 20 year old pretty girl who is the one i found resiliant in my surrounding . I always tell her that she is very brave n strong and i also ask her to share it with me . Today i came to know that her braveness really is resilience. I request you all to wish good best for her ...she is a best friend of mine ,a real fellow. Thank you
My son, who is 12, says to me when i am a bit sad: " Papa you should be thankful that i am healthy and happy" powerful message, thank you for this gift given to us; just a brilliant presentation coming from your Heart&soul.
A hard fact about life is that, things can be going really smooth and perfect today, and you wake up the next day to life situations that go as far as breaking you. Life is so unpredictable, and hence we all need resilience to go through these moments. It's honestly not easy like you said, but from your life and story, you've made us see that it can go a long way to help. Thank you very much for sharing this with us. May God continually comfort you for your loss. 🙏🏾
Was recommended this by my new CBT therapist. My life has been a complete shambles and i've experienced so much stress throughout my twenties as well as trauma throughout my life, yet I still find myself here and still carrying on. The one thing I have learn't though is that anything that I have lost in life I have grown in some way or another. Loss is essential in life. We need to loose in order to gain.
You certainly can’t comprehend what anyone goes through in this life. Many people out there have horrendous things happen to them for absolutely no reason and through no fault of their own. It helps to be nice in this world, positivity won’t make your problems go away, the “bad” in life seems to almost always bring out the good in other ways and in other places, whatever is broken and cracked can always be mended in some way but perhaps not in the way you wanted...regardless of what you’ve been through, where you are...life always goes on! She’s correct, ALL you have to do is want to live, that will is enough to carry you through, at least to the next day! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, go forward yet you will sometimes go backwards. Btw, I’m an abuse survivor and I’ve lived a fairly difficult but interesting life. I don’t consider myself an optimistic person, fake happiness is depressing. If anything, I’m a realist but also a dreamer.
Thank you!!! I need this. I had a bad break up and seeing my friends in happy relationships/getting married depressed me. This helped me gain my strength back.
I've been listening to Ted Talks for years and this is easily in the top 3. A woman who has lived through it and talks with knowledge, compassion, and real life experience. I would've listened to her for hours. Brava! 👏👏👏
I'm glad I went through so many heartbreaking things as a child bc by the time I was 13 I knew all I had to do was graduate the middle/high school to have a better life. I never tried to have hope..I just had it. If you have suicidal thoughts, God can transform any part of us & our situation. Life continued to be a roller coaster emotionally in college and afterwards. The one thing I would change would be to have a relationship with God sooner. You can encounter God. He loves you & is waiting to hear from you if you are wanting a better life. God bless & shalom
Adversity does not discriminate. Suffering is inevitable. Swim or sink. Parental bereavement is the hardest loss to bear. Dont lose what you have to what is lost. Practice gratitude, hunting for good things. Helping or harming? Beauttifully delivered speech with amazing words and thoughts. Thankyou. I can totally relate to this.
I ‘stood’ for all 4 of the categories at the beginning of the talk. Currently, my family is dealing with something unimaginable. I shared this with my husband and our therapist. Thank you for bravely sharing your story and methodology.
I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter, her friend, and your friend. Thank you for having the strength, resilience, and courage to talk about this topic with us.
I love this Talk. Some Years ago I went through a dark period due to family issues. I regrouped my self and focus on what is important for me and that is raising my son. I went through those dark years and kept my focus on letting go of things I have never control of and not my fault, to concentrate on what is near and important to me. At that time I was not even calling it self resilience. Strength to everyone
As a person in a helping/empowerment profession (educational equity for first-gen, underrepresented, low-income college students), the difficulties that my students face are sometimes, seemingly insurmountable. Yet, I have an unwavering faith and resolve they can. In a fit of insomnia, I viewed this. The result? Inspiration to rethink a class on mental health for our students to view this (with an activity). Did this harm me? No: a productive use of inadvertently being awake. Did this help me? Yes, now I'm going back to sleep.
As a bereaved mother who lost her son on September 2nd, 2013 in a car accident, this really resonated with me in so many ways. I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter Abby. Thank you for sharing your inspiring message on Ted Talk.
I wish there was a love button for this. You have inadvertently defined "resilience" which for me was a very illusive concept.And also in a simple manner explained how it can be achieved.
This lady has lived it! Incredible insight and information that is necessary for our realities. She is an example of courage at the highest level. Thank you, ma'am. 😉👍♥️
What a brilliant speech by an incredibly strong woman. I lost my beautiful Nanny to Alzheimer’s about 6 years ago. It took me about halfway through last year to finish the grieving process. I now accept her passing, and look back on the time I spent with her and the memories we shared together fondly.
This was a beautiful talk from an exceptional person I personally struggled with ms(multiple sclerosis), Graves' disease and social anxiety since a couple years now,but to hear a beautiful talk like this really helped me get that inspiration and help I need to get on with my life. Again thank you for putting this out there!😊
Full respect to this lady for sharing her experience and knowledge. What she explains is really useful. Please don't worry though if what she says doesn't suit you and your grief. We all have our individual process to complete. Sometimes we _need_ to look at those photos. Sometimes (though it may confuse others) we DON'T need hope. Instead we need to acknowledge the pain and be with it. These days there is far too much pressure from 'positive thinking gurus' (and even friends/family) to quickly 'move on'. This lady did what was right for her. Do what's right for you. Knowing what's right is the hard part but you will sense it when the time comes for you to move on. So that you don't get stuck, maybe you can follow this lady's advice when that time arrives. Or follow whatever suits _you_ in your process.
Precisely. She does not suggest that what worked for her is what will be right for you - only that you ask yourself the insightful question about whether something is working for you.
This life shows us many situations when we can't hold on something bad happened to us knowing that it can't even change so we just have to keep going and move forward on this amazing world .
I've found this now, in 2024, at a time when I really need guidance after a deeply difficult loss in my family. Thank you, Dr Lucy Hone and Tedx Talks - somehow, this video has given me hope and encouragement. Based on the 3 strategies, it seems that I've been doing the "right" things to take care of myself while I grieve. Not easy and I still take things day by day. But this video has been a gift - thank you 🙏
i am so sorry for your loss. This is a life changing event...i hope you find ways to cope as everytime you celebrate your grand-daughter's birthday you will remember the loss. Hugs.
I'm pausing this as her daughter is in car. I sense what's next. I lost my son Michael on 01/20/19 I miss him so much! He was a funny intelligent good person who made a terrible mistake. Love you Michael Ritchie. I'm very sorry for your loss as well. It's crushing the sorrow
I wonder how many times she had practiced this speech so that she wouldn’t burst out crying when she talked about her daughter’s death. My respect.
She did not have to practice the speech because that would not make what she just said authentic. She mapped out the three areas resilient people flourish in. Listen to it again and you would understand that practicing her speech would not be part Being true to herself.
@@peneloperodgers8019 ji.
@@darrinsiberia I had the experience at my wife's funeral last month. Apart from when my pants fell down, I communicated in a calm, composed way. I've been anything but that at times before that and since.
@@peneloperodgers8019 I think it's a bit disingenuous to assume she didn't practice - the speech has been carefully written, it's not off the cuff. That doesn't make it less authentic in the slightest, it simply means she's taken the time to chose her words and convey the relevant messages in the best possible way in the allotted time.
In this video, she is also five years into her grieving process. As we share our pain with others in healthy ways and receive support for it, that pain dulls and becomes less acute. In our greatest grief (losing our only child), my wife and I couldn't talk about it without crying for probably over a year. But each time, it was a little bit less painful. Now we cry about it a lot less, even when sharing our deepest pain, partly because we have healed so much over time since it happened.
Resilience - especially three strategies:
a) 7:10 - acceptance/acknowlegdement of situation as part of life
b) 8:18 - selectional attention (focus on things you can change/ on positive things, e.g. name three things you are/were grateful for)
c) 12:20 - "is what you are doing helping or harming you?" (control over situation/ be kind to yourself/ according to speakers experience - most powerful/useful tool)
Thank you for sharing.
Stay strong!
Philipp the Sock thank you for pulling out the points! Very very helpful!
Cheers
thankew
Thankuu
You too dear,thank you for putting these up💞🍀💞🍀💞
"don't lose what you have to what you have lost" wow.
Angeline Bien 💕💕💕
Extremely powerful. Wow
Haha coincidentaly I was reading this cooment at the exact moment she said it
I have chronic pain and lupus and one of the things that gets me through is a similar saying to the one you quoted: "I will not let what I can't do keep me from doing what I CAN do"
💜
@@sempressfi prayers for you. Lupus runs deep in my family. Stay strong!
“Don’t lose what you have for what you have lost!” - what a wonderful, powerful and life changing thought! Thank you Lucy!
💪🏽💪🏽
Wonderfully presented by Lucy Hone
1. Know that there's suffering in life
2. Choose those aspects which are in our control
3. Is what we are doing helping or harming us?
Amazing strategies, it helps immensely!
Thank you for the summary! Very useful! Appreciate!
She also talk on number 2 strategy to be grateful.
Thank you. I watched it but videos like this you can’t help but think about a lot simultaneously
Thanks for helping me with my school projekt so i dont have To Watch the whole Video
What a great testimony. This was my motivational to start my day this morning. It's so encouraging and I'm so glad for this. Thanks for sharing the strategies too. God bless you in your work Lucy ❤❤❤
Engraining this in my mind:
1) Sh*t happens. Suffering is part of life.
2) Don't waste my energy on things I cannot change. Pay attention to things that are in my control and learn to accept what is not.
3) Is what I am doing/thinking helping me or harming me? Be kind to myself.
"Don't lose what you have to what you have lost."
And there was also focus on the good (search for it eg gratitude name 3 good things each day).
I just want to hug her. To not only go through it, but to help others too. She's amazing
She s amazing, yes!
God blesses her til now through her mind and soul's strength
. . . . . I was 10 , when my dad died . What DID help me was realizing the fact that “Sh*t happens” ... Nobody ever promised u a lifetime availability of ur parental figures! But then u also can easily fall into total nihilism. I still type “ways to commit Suicide” into Search Engines... (btw: get I better responses on MeekD.. com than on Google ) . But Nihilism still helped me get more resilient
She is so rite. Thank you & God Bless you..
When we find strength and Hope, sharing with others is the only way to keep it
I have an illness that leaves me sobbing on the floor in pain every few months. I can at least testify to the second resilience secret: looking for at least one positive thing. I've looked at my pain as chance to increase my pain tolerance, and I've expressed gratitude to the people who helped me through it. That helps more than anything!!
I buried my son in 2014. He was almost 21 and died in the military. I didn’t realize it, but I basically did these things that she is talking about. I also have faith in Jesus.
@Destiny Luv Thank you so much.
My condolences. You are extremely strong.
God bless you!
It's impossible, really, to find the right words, any words seem so insignificant. Words cannot express what our hearts feel for you and your family. Bless you all.
Amen.. faith in God Jesus helps me through my tough times as well.
Your daughter would be proud beyond measure of the way you have used her passing to help others - and yourself. xx
Well said
Can't tell you how many times I have viewed this Ted talk over the last two months. It's saving my life really. Thank you
Thank you for this, I'll listen to it and pay more attention.
Hi makale Stay strong along your path. Love And Light.
Yes. Keep it in mind. These strategies don't take away the pain, but somehow provide some balance for it. Hang in. It gets better. Be kind to yourself.
I hope the best for you my friend. I'm here for you if you need a neutral party to listen to you. My dad committed suicide and lost my sister to OD.
@@meganhardy6983 I am so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you.
It's been 9 months now, and I feel a thousand times better. Grateful to be here. And to be on a path of healing.
Hope you are doing as good as you can be. Sending positive vibes your way.
My father has been fighting stage 4 lung cancer since I was in middle school. It's been 7 years by now. He had never smoked his entire life, and he barely ever drunk. The tumor has metastasized to the brain and he had an epilepsy due to cerebral edema, which I had to witness myself. I feel so lucky that he is still alive with me, thanks to the clinical trials in targeted therapy. I had three more major hardships in life, and I am going through an anxiety disorder because of all this. I am very proud for myself for not giving up, and I never will. Let's get through this together.
I had gone thru very similar situation with my mom lung cancer. She was 72 and we got only 6 weeks by the time finding out cancer to death. I went to depression and ended up taking medication and then realized it's just getting worst so early you help yourself is better.
Your resilience makes you a great source of wisdom for others. ❤
@@jpat6360My dad and brother and I held my mother in our arms when she died of lung cancer at age 49. I was 28 at the time. My dad was a hero. He quit his high paying job to stay home and care for her to the end, starting his own business from home, which still exists decades later. He called us together and said we would not let her die in a hospital, and we would all live together for however long she lived (six months). We would also not be “grim” or “act differently” -in fact, with humor and amusement so that she would have a peaceful transition in the life we had always experienced with parents who loved and respected each other. It wasn’t always easy, but his steady, unwavering determination to get her (and all of us) through this passage as “normally” and pleasantly as possible, was, indeed, heroic. (She confided in me one day that in his grief at losing her he would sleep on the floor, on her side of the bed, sobbing quietly as he held her hand). Grief comes in a variety of forms. From what I’ve seen and experienced, every grieving person grieves in a unique way, not in the cookie-cutter “stages of grief” the “experts” set out before us. However, those stages do exist, just differently for everyone, and often not in the “order” generally put forth.
I have terminal cancer. At 73 yrs. of age, I have had to overcome many challenges. I am thankful for my faith in Jesus Christ, my my parents, who taught me resilience and my friends who love me, regardless of my many foibles. "TUNE INTO THE GOOD"
I’ve just returned from months in Ukraine. Every family I met has lost at least one family member or a close friend to the war. Your 3 strategies seem to have taken root there. Ukrainians are the most resilient people I know. Thank you for your powerful work.
Lost my son 4 months ago. Thank you so much for this wonderful and powerful video. It helps.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes those words feel so hollow.From one grieving human being to another, I really mean it.❤💔❤️
I'm so sorry. Devastating. Sending a warm hug from Cape Town x
"It is possible to live and grieve at the same time." Good to know.
Simply. THANK YOU. THANK YOU!
🙌
I have just lost my husband because of Covid. I am living and grieving. People say hurtful comments that I am coping really well.
@@samanb1268 Right. How could they know how much you hurt and how different the world has become? I'm sorry.
@@timferguson2682 so true. Thanks
I am so grateful for your talk today. Back in 1983 my wonderful son Scott was killed in a car accident. As a single mother and he my only child, I did not want to go on. I can still recall the excruciating pain. What helped me the most over the years was to see that Scott was such a gift to me. So, I tried to focus on how fortunate I was to have had him inbefore
Thank you for sharing about your son Scott ❤
❤
My sincerest condolences for your loss and the excruciating pain you’ve gone through. I’m glad to know that you have found a way to continue through it.
Heavens!
This woman has in her face the scars of suffering but also the strong marks of mastery over the pains of life.
Far out. The pain in her face. I just want to hug her.
Me too. Blessings to you.
yes, the pain is stamped in her face all the time. even though she is clearly so resilient, she cannot hide her suffering.
Gosh, this lady is special beyond words. Teaching us her resilience strategies has helped so many people live through grief & pain. It certainly gives us all hope.
For all of us, let we know this:
"It is possible to live and grieve at the same time".
Agreed. The price of love is grief ❤😢❤😢❤
I have huge respect for this lady. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to bury your own child, let alone talk about such a painful experience of losing one's kid in such a public setting in order to help complete strangers.
So true. I remember reading a story a few years ago about a teenage girl who collided with another vehicle.... husband, wife, baby. The mother was the only survivor. Young girl was under the influence of alcohol.
That mother decided it made no sense to "loose" another life. She forgave that girl and together they share the story of that accident to school kids, etc.
That's another very strong, resilient woman!
She doing it so that it doesnt haunt her anymore. Ppl always do things for themselves 1st then for others..
Whenever you feel as if you've hit rock bottom, remember this; there's no where else to go but up.
Thank you for this video.
Thank you so much for this. My husband recently passed and many ask and comment on how "strong I am" and it tends to anger me because I am only doing what is best for myself and our young daughter. It is what he would have wanted me to do. I grieve...I cry...I wish he was here, but I also fight and live each day and use self-talk to guide myself through each moment. It was refreshing to hear what I do in my brain being spoken as a TedTalk. :)
Kristin McCoy so sorry for your loss.
I just lost my mum and people say it to me all the time too, she brought me up to be resilient and I don't see myself as strong. I grieve her. It's a mindset thing.
People say "You are so strong" as they are thinking about how they would literally go to pieces and not be able to go on. It is hard for those on the outside as they really do not know what to say. Saying you are so strong is meant to be a compliment not an insult, so please know people are just trying to give you love when they say that. I prefer to say "you are so brave" or "you have so much courage" as I think that makes people feel a little less upset that they are being judged. Just a thought :) Sending you some good thoughts at this tough time for you.
You are proving the very advice given here: It is possible to grieve and live at the same time. I imagine it is not easy, and I admire your resiliency.
You're crying. I'm not crying, How did she niot cry - so courageous and inspiring. What an amazing talk. Thank you.
When you hear other people’s stories, makes you appreciate your problems are maybe not that bad
It isn't a competition. Some people's problems just may be "that bad," or worse. Please do not compare cause even if they are not "that bad," they may be bad enough.
@Moon in Joon. Yes, this concept in psychology is called “downward social comparison”
But it's no consolation for people who have worse problems.
Yes, so true!
Exactly dear
"Adversity doesn't discriminate." Brilliant quote. I will use this in my classes. So well said!!
One of the best TED Talk I have ever come accross.
Great talk, I would have loved to hear this many years ago, however I didn’t realize that I was resilient until now.
I have lost my Mother, Father and finally my sister after she couldn’t stand her life without mom and dad.
All past away about 18 months of each other leaving me a single father of 4 alone and lost.
It took what seemed like forever but I woke up and was shown the way to life through prayers and honesty talking with my children.
Our life is changing so quickly now for the better and we are definitely reaping the rewards of faith and believing in US.
Thank you so very much for sharing!!!
Have a great day and live a safe and happy life!!!
Oh dear William, I'm so terribly sorry you had to endure so many
devastating tragedies! How did you cope with life and not only, how did you cope with this enormous responsibility of bringing up four small children? Must be God, helping you quietly, giving you injection of concentrated strength and stamina. This is what we mostly need from God - strength to deal with the bad situation were in, not necessarily resolving of the problem.
I'll pray God never leaves you and your children.
You're an example how we should all live!
I am the same - with all the grief I experienced in my life I turn to one thing, my faith in God. I had this conversation with my 15 year old son last night. I told him he has to have one thing or one person he can turn to when everything is in shambles. Bless your heart, I said a short prayer for you.
@Roxanna A Lopez oh, it just came to my mind, like someone told me to write it. I meant instant, quick help, miraculous intervention.
I hope it helps.
Happy New Year!
Bless you
You are one of a kind. Very strong and very resilient. Stay strong for the 4 who always look up to you and one day will be very proud of you and how you handled these all single-handedly. It's like you are navigating a ship in the middle of a very stormy sea to a safe and sunny land. One day they will be very proud and grateful that how you took them to somewhere safe. Hugs from an Iranian in New Zealand ;)
Thank you for this lecture. Yes, deciding to look for the good can absolutely change our lives through changing our perspective. Refusing to live as a victim is key.
I love you
I love you even more
Ààaàààqa212111
It's so hard to lose our children. I lots my girl. Thank God I had her children. I have been able to focus on her loves. They are my world and I thank her for her gift. I love them almost as she did.
Wife died young left me with 10 kids in from age 5 up. Morning after, the day of the funeral, I woke up shaking
It takes alot of courage to stand up infront of all those people and be so vulnerable... all in the pursuit to help others. Great video.
I want to give this woman a hug for her wisdom and for her grief :)
She doesn't need yours or anyone else's hug. Don't you get it?
Goodness me, this was a truly powerful speech. Her words were so authentic and the simplicity of her guidance was so impactful, definitely one of the best TED Talks I've heard yet!
I have learned that to live and grieve is possible
"I didn't need to be told how bad things were . . .What I needed was hope." Dr.Lucy Hone. I'm so glad she addressed the well-meant advice that winds up depleting the energies and exacerbating the pain of people who are already suffering and feeling overwhelmed. I'm glad she offers a path forward that doesn't sugarcoat reality and acknowledges the obstacles and expectations people have, and then offers a practical mindset and approach for dealing with those things.
Wonderful talk!!! I’m 84, I have experienced many, many of your named experiences, your so right..in the blink of an eye, life can change completely. Thank you for sharing your story.
Fantastic. I can't believe at my age 84 I've came to precisely the same conclusion. Thank you . I did the same thing with photos of those I lost.
im here for you brother
I have severe back pain and several other physical issues. im 24 only. I have wish live more than 40 years.
I can't think about 80 years. Its huge. Pray for me.
This was tough to watch. So much respect for sharing her story. Also excellent advise, thank you.
To me, this person is straight up no bs and this is one of the most impressive self-awareness-oriented TED or TEDx presentations out there.
She just cured my depression. Thanks for every word you spoke it was well needed.
I survived a crash at that corner, October 1979. Compound fractured skull compounded by extradural haematoma , days unconscious.
Thank you Lucy. As I wasn’t expected to live, but be a “vegetable” , am pleased there’s psychological support available since then. I wish I’d heard Lucy’s TED talk earlier…
Thanks a lot for sharing this! I find this very helpful!
“The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected. Only the wounded physician heals.” ― C.G. Jung
"When you see someone as yourself, you’ll know how to be... with them, as them, for them." ~ Paul Jung
My respect for your hidden tears that u might have shed beyond stage.lots of luv stay blessed.
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
In many ways my life has been blessed.
But I have also had some unusual hardships.
Thank you for this coping skill!!!
Essential this is the serenity prayer. Accept the things you cannot change, have courage to change the things you can, and be wise to know the difference
"Don't lose what you have to what you have lost" 10:22
What a phenomenal woman.
Her tone and her breathing is speaking for her. She is full of pain and frustration still. Not being resilient means you had the ability to overcome the pain. You just keep moving with the pain.
Everything she shares is in my life. She speaks with clarity and it does not mean we are super human or better than others...no, we just make it a choice no matter how difficult.
Very moving talk - fantastic speaker - so sorry for the loss of her daughter.
That was worthy of a standing ovation, wow!
I can completely relate to the whole resilience thing. I have had a lot of good and bad experiences in my life. Even though during those times I felt hopeless, had no faith, or confidence, and gave up, I always searched for solutions and reached out for help. It was stressful but I accomplished everything with motivation and enjoy with the intelligence, tools,resources, and people. So therefore those experiences gave me strength and resilience. Think of the millions of people who gained resilience like that.
Hats off to this lady...i have met a 20 year old pretty girl who is the one i found resiliant in my surrounding . I always tell her that she is very brave n strong and i also ask her to share it with me . Today i came to know that her braveness really is resilience. I request you all to wish good best for her ...she is a best friend of mine ,a real fellow. Thank you
I believe you can only see such kind of things in other, if have such kind of things with in you already.....
This talk helped me get out of bed this morning. I had not opened my curtains in days. "Don't lose what you have for what you have lost..." ❤🥰
My son, who is 12, says to me when i am a bit sad: " Papa you should be thankful that i am healthy and happy" powerful message, thank you for this gift given to us; just a brilliant presentation coming from your Heart&soul.
Your son is wise beyond his years...
Thanks for reminding us that suffering is part of life.
OMG! This speech changed my life!!! Thank you!!! "Time to sink or swim" 💪🏻
You got this!
Truth.
Bless you.
God u are resilience master piece.
A hard fact about life is that, things can be going really smooth and perfect today, and you wake up the next day to life situations that go as far as breaking you.
Life is so unpredictable, and hence we all need resilience to go through these moments.
It's honestly not easy like you said, but from your life and story, you've made us see that it can go a long way to help.
Thank you very much for sharing this with us.
May God continually comfort you for your loss. 🙏🏾
Amazing is an often overused word, but this woman truly is. Through unbearable hurt she seeks to help others and lessen their pain. Wow.
Was recommended this by my new CBT therapist. My life has been a complete shambles and i've experienced so much stress throughout my twenties as well as trauma throughout my life, yet I still find myself here and still carrying on. The one thing I have learn't though is that anything that I have lost in life I have grown in some way or another. Loss is essential in life.
We need to loose in order to gain.
You certainly can’t comprehend what anyone goes through in this life. Many people out there have horrendous things happen to them for absolutely no reason and through no fault of their own. It helps to be nice in this world, positivity won’t make your problems go away, the “bad” in life seems to almost always bring out the good in other ways and in other places, whatever is broken and cracked can always be mended in some way but perhaps not in the way you wanted...regardless of what you’ve been through, where you are...life always goes on! She’s correct, ALL you have to do is want to live, that will is enough to carry you through, at least to the next day! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, go forward yet you will sometimes go backwards. Btw, I’m an abuse survivor and I’ve lived a fairly difficult but interesting life. I don’t consider myself an optimistic person, fake happiness is depressing. If anything, I’m a realist but also a dreamer.
It is realistic to have dreams. Keep them coming. ^-^
Realistic dreamer who maintains gratitude here, too.
Thank you!!! I need this. I had a bad break up and seeing my friends in happy relationships/getting married depressed me. This helped me gain my strength back.
I feel this comment . Not only is everyone else loved - but they always remind you that you aren’t .
I can only imagine her pain. No mother will ever 100% move on without a pain in their hearts when remembering the child they lost.
I've been listening to Ted Talks for years and this is easily in the top 3. A woman who has lived through it and talks with knowledge, compassion, and real life experience. I would've listened to her for hours. Brava! 👏👏👏
I'm glad I went through so many heartbreaking things as a child bc by the time I was 13 I knew all I had to do was graduate the middle/high school to have a better life. I never tried to have hope..I just had it. If you have suicidal thoughts, God can transform any part of us & our situation. Life continued to be a roller coaster emotionally in college and afterwards. The one thing I would change would be to have a relationship with God sooner. You can encounter God. He loves you & is waiting to hear from you if you are wanting a better life. God bless & shalom
Adversity does not discriminate. Suffering is inevitable.
Swim or sink.
Parental bereavement is the hardest loss to bear.
Dont lose what you have to what is lost.
Practice gratitude, hunting for good things.
Helping or harming?
Beauttifully delivered speech with amazing words and thoughts.
Thankyou.
I can totally relate to this.
I ‘stood’ for all 4 of the categories at the beginning of the talk. Currently, my family is dealing with something unimaginable. I shared this with my husband and our therapist. Thank you for bravely sharing your story and methodology.
My best wishes to you and your family 😐
Love and light to you.
Heather Elzinga, May you and your family be universally blessed and endure, surpass, and thrive through any and all challenges in your way!
Strength and love to you. xoxo
God bless you. Sending you love and prayers. ❤
I'm so grateful for this talk being shared, it has so much value for me and for anyone who cares to listen to this amazing woman. Thank you.
I admire her strength. There are some powerful human out there who are cable of doing things beyond imagination.
Accepting what is...is a grand lesson to be learned and too, re learned.
I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter, her friend, and your friend. Thank you for having the strength, resilience, and courage to talk about this topic with us.
I love this Talk. Some Years ago I went through a dark period due to family issues. I regrouped my self and focus on what is important for me and that is raising my son. I went through those dark years and kept my focus on letting go of things I have never control of and not my fault, to concentrate on what is near and important to me. At that time I was not even calling it self resilience. Strength to everyone
One of the most powerful TED Talks I've ever heard! Who can argue with the real-life experience of this expert? Brilliantly delivered!
"Choose Life Not Death" Acceptance but not denial. Be greatful! Yes!
This is the best TED talk I have ever heard.
The Serenity Prayer comes to mind.... excellent!
As a person in a helping/empowerment profession (educational equity for first-gen, underrepresented, low-income college students), the difficulties that my students face are sometimes, seemingly insurmountable. Yet, I have an unwavering faith and resolve they can. In a fit of insomnia, I viewed this. The result? Inspiration to rethink a class on mental health for our students to view this (with an activity). Did this harm me? No: a productive use of inadvertently being awake. Did this help me? Yes, now I'm going back to sleep.
Taking control of things I can change and building resilience! Such a strong woman thank you for sharing your story and empowering us!!
The Serenity Prayer is a terrific mantra.
As a bereaved mother who lost her son on September 2nd, 2013 in a car accident, this really resonated with me in so many ways. I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter Abby. Thank you for sharing your inspiring message on Ted Talk.
I’m sorry for your loss
This came at the perfect time. Thank you so much.
I wish there was a love button for this. You have inadvertently defined "resilience" which for me was a very illusive concept.And also in a simple manner explained how it can be achieved.
I'm grateful I saw this. This is such a powerful speech. I'll forever take this with me.
Thank you my wonderful kindest lady. God bless you and your family.
This lady has lived it! Incredible insight and information that is necessary for our realities. She is an example of courage at the highest level. Thank you, ma'am. 😉👍♥️
Wow, great talk. What a beautiful woman. My heart goes out to her for all she has suffered and endured but she's resilient and chose life. Brava!
Just what I thought!
Dr. Hone - Thank you for what you are doing, it is very helpful!!! You are making a difference!!
What a brilliant speech by an incredibly strong woman. I lost my beautiful Nanny to Alzheimer’s about 6 years ago. It took me about halfway through last year to finish the grieving process. I now accept her passing, and look back on the time I spent with her and the memories we shared together fondly.
Be kind to yourself. Best feedback you can give yourself. Thank you for sharing .
This was a beautiful talk from an exceptional person I personally struggled with ms(multiple sclerosis), Graves' disease and social anxiety since a couple years now,but to hear a beautiful talk like this really helped me get that inspiration and help I need to get on with my life. Again thank you for putting this out there!😊
Thank you so so much, Dr. Lucy Hone. Sending you love and appreciation.
"Don't lose what you have, to what you have lost."
Full respect to this lady for sharing her experience and knowledge. What she explains is really useful. Please don't worry though if what she says doesn't suit you and your grief. We all have our individual process to complete. Sometimes we _need_ to look at those photos. Sometimes (though it may confuse others) we DON'T need hope. Instead we need to acknowledge the pain and be with it. These days there is far too much pressure from 'positive thinking gurus' (and even friends/family) to quickly 'move on'. This lady did what was right for her. Do what's right for you. Knowing what's right is the hard part but you will sense it when the time comes for you to move on. So that you don't get stuck, maybe you can follow this lady's advice when that time arrives. Or follow whatever suits _you_ in your process.
Precisely. She does not suggest that what worked for her is what will be right for you - only that you ask yourself the insightful question about whether something is working for you.
This life shows us many situations when we can't hold on something bad happened to us knowing that it can't even change so we just have to keep going and move forward on this amazing world .
I've found this now, in 2024, at a time when I really need guidance after a deeply difficult loss in my family. Thank you, Dr Lucy Hone and Tedx Talks - somehow, this video has given me hope and encouragement. Based on the 3 strategies, it seems that I've been doing the "right" things to take care of myself while I grieve. Not easy and I still take things day by day. But this video has been a gift - thank you 🙏
I lost my daughter in 2023 October. She delivered a healthy girl baby who was 6 days old when this happened. I'm still grieving. 😢
i am so sorry for your loss. This is a life changing event...i hope you find ways to cope as everytime you celebrate your grand-daughter's birthday you will remember the loss. Hugs.
This is one of the best ted talk I have watched lately. So many great insights. More power to everyone going through something of the other in life.
Agreed. The Ted Talk is validation. On the tight track
Feel my warm hug. Thank you for sharing. Gob bless you all.
I'm pausing this as her daughter is in car. I sense what's next. I lost my son Michael on 01/20/19
I miss him so much! He was a funny intelligent good person who made a terrible mistake. Love you Michael Ritchie. I'm very sorry for your loss as well. It's crushing the sorrow
I embrace you! Live your life meaningfully by honoring his memory...⭐ Don't give up!
I 've also been depressed for sometime but she made me understand that it's self healing required and to be a good decision maker.
One of the best and most useful talks I have ever seen.
This is one of the most powerful things I've heard in a long time.