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If They Don't Love You Back Watch This
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 เม.ย. 2021
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If your partner leaves you alone and confused -- only to convince you everything's great the next time they come around, you're getting jerked around. "Trauma bonding" happens when love is alternatingly given and withhold, and it can alter your perception and weaken your ability to detect red flags. In this video I teach how to spot this tendency and how to take your power back.
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I'm literally shaking because of the sudden flashback. I didn't know a trauma bond was this. That this was all emotional abuse. The validation is mind boggling. I've spent the past 6 years trying to 'heal myself' thinking it's all on me.
I'm glad you were able to feel seen and validated, welcome to the community :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@ Ariel Coffin same thing happened to me! 22 years, and I was forever trying to fix myself, change and grow. I felt everything was my fault and my responsibility to fix.
Are you ok? Do you have safe, supportive people around you? I know how absolutely awful of a time this can be. Talk about a paradigm shift!
Sending gentle hugs. You're NOT crazy and you're not alone.💚
Be gentle with yourself through the realizations. These will be your building blocks.
@@victoriavanwolfen4160 I don't actually, have that support system. But it's 6 or 7 years out that relationship, I am in a safe place. And I'm doing a lot better. I do need to find that support system at present. I just haven't yet... I find it hard to find real people. People who want to help.
But I'm okay atm. I've been doing a lot of growing and healing in the last few weeks. Thank you so much for your message, for the care and concern. I really needed it. ❤
@@debralawsonpascua9632 ❤❤ I am doing that. Thank you. 💖
"Only trauma has convinced you that you can somehow make do without this basic level of love and consideration." The last 10 years of my life, if not longer. Finally getting out.
I'm so glad to hear that!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You are glad to hear relationships are ending? This kind of stuff should be taken with a grain of salt.
@@drsquashhead1656 whilst i agree that sometimes bad relationships are better than no relationships, sometimes people need to leave, to preserve sanity or life, or both.
And when the relationship is doing more harm to a person, they or the other need to leave somehow, even if it's only on an emotional level, in order to survive. My brother was better off away from family. He was so alone because i was so afraid of losing my mother's "love", i did whatever she asked, including not being there for my brother. i was convinced that work was the only important thing. i now have had 20 years as a very broken person, emotionally speaking. when the neglect, absence & unhelpful speech are bad enough, people either check out emotionally/psychologically, or they up & leave in the real sense. i agree people should stay together, but sometimes all that does is do more harm.
@@kimlec3592 how does someone just pick up and leave if they have no money, no friends, no family, no job, no where to go, no car, and responsibility’s for a disabled child????
Solid advice. Ending it will hurt at first but you will never regret clearing space in your life for happier days -- even if you're single.
Exactly!
Great advice
My problem is that I seem to be stuck in a pattern that keeps repeating itself. I don't want that to happen again with a new person.
Emotional abuse is never ok. Don't accept it. When they disappear disconnect and heal. Life is too short to be with someone that only hurts you continuously.
:)
I've been on both ends of this relationship before and question whether it's intended to be abuse. Sometimes people want too much from you and the relationship feels like you're being strangled.
The thing is... he didn't hurt me continously. If that were the case.... ending it would've been easy.
@@Nepthu I've considered this. I don't think I'm high maintenance at all... but in any case we were definitely incompatible.
@@Nepthu Nah... In this case you should leave.
I remember those days.
Disappearing is a definite trigger for me. Disregulation galore.
Not being partnered solved that problem.
It sounds like the original letter writer needs to get the f out of that relationship.
It is not worth the good times to tolerate the blatant disrespect.
She sure got some great suggestions!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Key: Recognize abuse. Your advice to her is totally correct. She needs to see how she's feeling and realize she deserves to be respected. Period.
:)
"Trauma bond relationships are like an addiction" 👍
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was in a relationship in which he would randomly strand me far from home, or say he was going to give me a ride to an appointment and then randomly take off for the rest of the day. This was with a car we co-owned. I wish I had ended things with him the first he left me in the middle of the night with no way to get home.
When we finally broke up, he took the car, put a steering wheel lock on it, and left me paying the loan/taxes/insurance until I literally had to sue him to get out of it. He had profound emotional issues and childhood trauma, and that I could have had compassion for, but he used them as a weapon and did not care how his actions affected others. Now I have very little tolerance for people who think their trauma justifies abusing others.
You've said it perfectly. Congratulations on getting out! I hope you've found much happier times and good people who love you.
6:55 - "I'll adapt to the pain"
Well, there's a huge chunk of childhood.
Anna's slinging Truth around again.
She does that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sound advice on this one. She validated my experience with the silent treatment, and I left my abuser back in 2020. I was simply tired of being ignored, invalidated and devalued, nothing is worse than someone flat out treating you like you don’t exist. You deserve better than that. The trauma bond is the hardest part. You just have to remember none of it was “real” and the future faking and love bombing was the reality.
Thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I recommend you to a man who can help you manifest whatever and who ever you want to manifest within two-days ❤❤❤
He was the person who helped me manifest back my ex three days ago with out delay 💯 💯💯
Whtsaap him"**
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omg ! i never knew this is considered emotional abuse, i do this too but with my friendships fortunately i’m not in a relationship but i never do this out of spite it’s just my coping mechanism for feeling so overwhelmed & depressed. i feel terrible about it every time & apologise my friends. Gosh this cpstd is ruining my life. i wish i wasn’t born into a dysfunctional family.
If you see yourself there, you can get help and change that, many of us don't get that far. Here is a suggestion for a starting point: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Looking at the trail of wreckage.. its ruined others lives too...... GET TO WORK!
Let’s please not forget, that we are all strangers on the internet. There is no one way to heal. Trauma disrupts the connection to the self, and in my opinion the only way to heal is to reconnect with the self. So whatever resonates with you on your healing journey is valid. You’re trauma is valid. What happened to you isn’t who you are. Please know that there are many roads to healing. If talk therapy is too overwhelming, perhaps a somatic counsellor may be more helpful. Maybe reading and self education is your way to empowering yourself. Fuck if I or Anna know. Meeting yourself where you are at is a great way to start. Please don’t shame yourself for not being at a different place in your healing journey. I hope y’all can be kind to yourself
@@lil.obsidian I agree mostly, but there's nothing wrong with seeking ideas from others who've found ways to heal themselves. I've utilized plenty of ideas from others and they are helping. Also listening to someone like Anna also helps to find pieces of the trauma puzzle, that would've otherwise may not have been figured out.
@@wordivore I agree there is nothing wrong with seeking ideas and feeling validated through connecting with others. Curiosity is a wondrous experience that has the ability to counter trauma. I subscribe to the notion that everyone's healing journey is unique and nuanced. And also, I subscribe to the notion I previously mentioned. We're all strangers on the internet. My suspicions are raised when I hear someone saying "this is the way to heal" and my alarm bells cough loudly and say "maybe one way, but there is no the way."
Yes the intensity is intensified by the intermittent reinforcement. Every time she sees him after he rejects and abandons her it’s like resurrecting a ghost. You are just so grateful to see them. A very addicting and unhealthy pattern. True love considers the other partner. I understand avoidance, I understand trauma, I also understand the power of being a decent loving considerate human being.
It feels really good to walk away from this type of relationship and not look back, just wish I had done it sooner!
But you did it!
Thank you, so validating. Deep down I thought it was my lack of patience and anger outbursts that were the whole problem but I was just getting repeatedly triggered then shamed. 21 years later, the house is sold and I’m moving on ...... don’t wait - it never gets better when they don’t have any insight into the problem or are have some awareness but so nothing to help improve things. Doing that is like treading water - I can’t wait to finally have my own place and put all my energy into myself and my well-being.
Thanks so much for sharing! Sounds like you're making some real progress!
"plastic" 😂 yeah, we all deserve better!!!
It ABSOLUTELY IS "like an addiction" undoubtedly
If you haven't already, maybe you could do a video on what's it's like to be "ghosted" when you're a C-PTSD sufferer. I have been devastated by it.
Simple and good idea. Thanks.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you and please also include coping strategies.
I second this, seriously struggling
@jillaine_Newman here we go: th-cam.com/video/Q-55PA1PIog/w-d-xo.html
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much
Yesterday, I discovered for myself that I love the " absence" of them and this allows me to put my imagination on fire and feel absolutely great about it. My mind tells me that this is not right but the feeling is awesome. I traced this back to my childhood and the absence of dad for years at the time during my early childhood. Loving the lack of someone, loving the empty space is a drug of choice as the Peace is absolute. What to do? Not much. Only realize this and see what happens. This makes me act towards interaction for a start. Real interaction with real people... This is the opposite of absence and illusion.
Hi Helen, I think you certainly came to the right place. I can so relate to being in a relationship which is painful - I had to let go of a partner when I was 56 years old - wow, that was really difficult and I put up with him stealing from me, making excuses because he paid me back and told me he loved me. Finally, I phoned the Samaritans in UK and a woman said 'They are just words, do you want this man to ruin your life?' Wow, I had not made that connection between words and action before. The aloneness, as my family is not present, was excruciating, but learning how not to be lonely, even when living alone, has been the most wonderful experience, full of difficulties, and it has taken me a long time to reach this point. If you are looking for a partner, you are losing precious time. I am not looking for a partner. If you have a God, ask for help. I spent years in London which I loathed as a country girl, and I said all day 'please help me, please please help me' as I went into the metro. The help came, but not in my time, and I now live in a peaceful cottage in France. If you do not have a God, act 'as if' or ask for belief. Perhaps you want neither. But I am sure you will find the love you are looking for - I did, but it was a love for my God, my vocation and life. And as someone who had always been suicidal that was quite a long march. 'The wheels of God are slow'. Nobody should give advice, but hey, what the heck, 'run as if your life depended on it'. You have learned something about love, now take it with you and put it into real practice. I will keep you in my thoughts today.
Thanks for sharing with us- a cottage in France sounds lovely :)
WOW, great statement, "time to direct all your patience and kindness inward." Yes please, I think I shall!
Go for it!
I just got out of a relationship like this, we both had cptsd and we met in group therapy. It was so painful each time he left me, and it was making me unwell in ways I didn’t realise. I will always cherish him because we truly did have a deep connection and love- but learning that he would never change for me is the best thing I’ve ever done. As soon as I felt settled he’d leave again, He couldn’t understand that I loved him. I’m free now to be independent and to fall in love with myself :) good luck to this person, I promise you will find love again
Thanks for supporting Helen! Glad you're here :)
This was quite excellent! I really loved the part about not changing who you are and staying your loving person. There’s so much out there about lowering expectations but for people that have lived through trauma that can be very detrimental. I expect to be treated with the same type of love dignity open communication that I give in partnerships. Also yes the intensity of the connection is the intermittent reinforcement. You feel so good when you’re with them because you’re finally being seen after being ignored.
Good healthy outlook :)
I was "seeing" a guy who disappeared for weeks at a time. Finally I put an end to it. I love him and it was a really hard thing to do.
Taking care of ourselves can be really hard
omg that is what i do just vanish RUN RUN RUN I AM DOING IT RIGHT NOW
or i get taken away by people i don't even like ALL THE TIME
no wonder people don't stick around
There IS help for those behaviors!
That’s what I needed to realize before leaving: THIS IS NOT A PARTNERSHIP HE CANNOT RESPECT YOU! Exactly, that’s the 🔑 to realize that *you* can’t make it work!! Ugh (I’m so much happier by the way)! 🤓😉❤️
Absolutely!!
i held on to one of those trauma relationships for years and years - gave away my last best years. It took awhile and a lot of these videos but I am finally free of that painful rollercoaster. Being alone is heaven by comparison!
Yay! Congratulations! Good things come to those who clear out the crapfit.
Amen! I was born into a roller coaster family. My father was an abusive tyrant my mother did her best to nurture my two sisters and myself, but she gradually accepted his behavior as tolerable. I have come to realize I suffer from CPTSD. My sisters are in denial. They both continuously would play the I'm there for you role only to act exactly as you described, unavailable. I tried to bring the way their actions were affecting me to their attention only to be told I had a problem. It got to the point where it was so emotionally painful I had to sever all ties with my family to keep any semblance of peace of mind.
I'm so glad you're taking the steps to heal.
Same situation exactly!
Very sobering, thank you. Waiting for someone's love and cherishing every single positive moment is so exhausting, humiliating and sick. I can't even get excited if a man doesn't push and pull me... Even though it hurts and I know it isn't love.
There is help for that!
Thanks. I think I will seek help, this becomes too exhausting
I know the feeling, justinael, and as crappy childhood fairy says, there is help and I hope you seek it out. You’re worthy of more than crumbs of affection!
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Thank you!
Please don't take it personally. I do the same thing. Talking is so hard. Guys tend to feel a ton of shame for even having feelings. If he is anything like me, I close off and don't want to talk or see anyone when I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. Not saying that's what he's feeling. This video has opened my eyes to that though. I didn't realize how closing off can effect someone so strongly. Maybe he feels like when he's down he gets scared that he would be judged and be left alone. I guess it's just serious talk time. I hope you can work it out. If not hold your head up.
I agree, i feel cptsd's have a general low social battery and often get too overwhelmed (due to hypervigilance)and need their alone time that's hard to explain to anyone little less to a partner that would be hurt by it (take it personally as rejection).
@Jesse_Halter if you're seeing things here that you want to change in yourself there is a lot of help here crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
Literally in the thick of it right now. Thank you ❤️ I feel a lot less lonely after watching
I'm so glad! There's also memberships for more community bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm crying. This video spoke to me so deeply. I'm in a relationship that was doomed from the start and I closed my eyes to it because I was so desperate to feel loved. I've been going through the motions of life every day, so from the outside I'm "functioning," but I have been crying everyday at work and when I get home I just sleep. Saying all this I still find it incredibly difficult to leave my boyfriend.
Small steps, I'm rooting for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Just picked one to let you know and to share a moment of my experience. It is so hard to actually do anything that feels good for me or take time for myself. After listening and getting what I could from a distance am now able to do the daily practice and is, within a day or so, already helping so much. Yes there is a big difference between journaling and writing things down to let them go. Reminds me of a Native America practice of the burning basket, it does help a lot to burn the words and even photos that contribute to disregulation. I pray all who listen will take these steps and get passed not feeling worthy and know we are all here for a reason or would not exist regardless of the part we play. Some, like the fairy, will touch many lives and some of us may help one or two.. Every healed soul brings more light to the world so even if we simply heal ourself, it changes the whole world. Blessed be and have a great day!!!
Beautiful sentiment! I appreciate you emphasizing the distinction between journaling and what anna teaches! Thanks for being here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I needed to hear this today. I have been suffering from being ghosted. Thank you.
we torture ourselves enough, we need people who don't make us suffer surrounding us now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
me2
I did this for 5 years with a ...supposed good guy that could never quite love me but was always in and out of my life. Don't waste precious time anymore.🌺
I've been on both ends of this relationship before and question whether it's intended to be abuse. Sometimes people want too much from you and the relationship feels like you're being strangled. When some disappears, it's a red flag that you're being too demanding, at least by their estimation. You need to find someone who values the relationship the same way you do.
That's great insight!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you. People rarely realize when they're too demanding. One party typically expects more than the other. I think you need to find someone who puts the same weight into the relationship so it balances like a scale.
That was refreshing - I suddenly can see some past relationships with incredible clarity. No time for regrets, let me just keep moving forward.
Exactly!
Oh my gosh I needed this today. After I thought I was healed, I fell back into a relationship for 3 weeks with someone like this and got trauma bonded. Luckily I broke things off with him, and I'm in a lot of pain, bit I know it's the right thing.
The break up pain is hard and worth it to break out of something destructive, hang in there!
💞💞💞
Just ended a 10 week trauma bond r/ship on the weekend and my anxiety has already lifted. This video validates my decision! 🙏
I deserve so much better!! 🤗
How are you now
@@genevieveward2897how are you now
Thanks for your videos... They really showed me I deserve so much more. I recently broke off a fwb situation because I wanted more while he only saw me as a placeholder for when the woman he really wants appears. This video really resonated with me. I also love all of you who comment on these videos, it makes me feel like I'm not alone on this journey of healing.
Yes, such an incredible community we have here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank u for the first :49 seconds. Where u say you’re the only one who can change this. You’re absolutely right! And it’s funny while you’re in it with them, often you feel like it’s not changeable in anyway. Thanks for the reminder!
Exactly!!
10:13 How did I become someone who would give all my love and time to an unhappy relationship?
powerful question, leading to self discovery and repair.
Anna's courses are very focused on the self discovery process. Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
OmGoodness.. I went through this for over 20 years w my exe hub. I got tid bits to hold onto and believe, then ALWAYS be let down. It was childhood trauma for sure but he was a blatant narcissist that I was empathically n emotionally thinking excuses over bad behavior. Now I use logic.
:)
Gosh this video is A+++++
Nailed it. I've been with a man like this and you're right, it does change your mental state and thinking eventually. It is torture enduring repeated rejection without realising it, until you feel bad about yourself. They don't even realise what they are doing.
Exactly, they don't see it and probably won't see it so we take care of ourselves :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes I did that - and I am 70 years old! I thought I healed in my late 30’s in therapy. Married happily at 40 for 20 years till he died 9 years ago. I did this with a guy I met online! 4!years off and on!!!! Awful! Just what you are explaining. I am exhausted and hurting. I will survive and heal deeper. I will cease all contact. Toxic.
Sending you encouragement as you continue to heal. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I just experienced this. The emotional dysregulation was saping me of connection and creativity. It was helpful to realize we are in two words. I think of him as a lost boy in never land. It helped me realize just how threatening a relationship might seem and that, it's not up to me to decide what works someone chooses to live in. Very grateful for this channel!
Thank you so much for being here!
I have been in recovery for a while from a very similar scenario! I actually lost who i was. But a breakdown can only lead to a breakthrough. ❤️ wishing you all love and healing x
You too, thanks for watching!
Unfortunately it's so true, glad you broke on through to the other side.
This letter was like the last seven years!!! Ugh. So glad the burden isn't with me any longer.
I wasn't allowed to be happy, sad, are anything other than Neutral. It's been a year and a half of healing. I thought I was fine....I wasn't. It's taken lots of effort to heal myself.
Worthwhile effort!
Be proud of yourself for making that effort, though! It helps so much going forward.
I feel you with this one. I was told I had to be calm when he started pushing me away. I tried so hard to be stable but the more neutral I was the harder he’d push. Exhausting
@@eeedeee6667
Yup. Same. I dude was Infantry in the Marines....
Long story short bat a follow Bulldogs wedding I spoke to all the wives. Oh! Laaaadies. The shit these women ALL deal with is disturbing. Glad I made it out. And glad you did as well.
P>S> I'm old now and never said or even thought through any of that before, being completely isolated despite being perfectly sociable. Thank you Anna
Thanks for sharing!
This guy sounds a lot like my most recent ex (he doesn't have C-PTSD, but he most likely has a cluster B personality disorder). Good thing I finally dumped him after I worked on my C-PTSD, realized that I was stuck in yet another trauma bond, and learned that his behavior was not my fault 🥳
Not your fault: that's a great healing realization!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My latest ex was a drug addict who used to not speak to me for up to 5 days at a time and then he would come back with crumb offerings and I would fall for it every time! I cut him off completely about a year ago, but he keeps trying to come back! It hasn't worked lol! It's been a pattern since I started dating. I would rather be alone than to be with someone who doesn't respect me
We can get such a feeling of empowerment when we stop it with the crumbs! I'm with you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for everything that you do ❤
You have inspired me and still continue to inspire me to heal/live a better life ❤
Wow! Well done. You have such an easy, yet effective way of communicating to your viewers. This is an especially problematic challenge for many many people, including me.You are absolutely right. You can’t see it until you’re out of it and you can’t get out of it until you see it, and even then it takes an inordinate amount of time, effort and open and honest self reflection. I love your channel. You are doing a lot of good. Thank you very much! Andrew
Thank you! 😃
My ex stone walls and simply couldn't hear me say "please talk to me" . After 6 years I realised how much I was hurting. The good days were amazing but the gaslighting she used when I got my adhd diagnosis was gutting. I've become aware of why I lived like this and no doubt she was aswell but damn it hurts. Staying at work 18 hours a day in the end was to much. To get blamed for everything by councilors, Dr and her family was the worst I've ever had. Now I also relise that I have childhood ptsd but meeting new people who talk is amazing. Thank you for your work 🙏
I'm so glad you are finding some relatedness :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks. Lots of in sight makes relating easy . 🙂
Wow. This was a superb explanation. Man have I been there. I have watched soooo much on narcissistic abuse and so much of it focuses on what’s wrong with the narcissist. I understand that this is an important thing to wake up to. But I love how Anna keeps the focus on Helene and what she needs to do moving forward. The insight about how it will want to become a pattern due to the trauma bond, regardless of whether is was or wasn’t before, was brilliant. Bravo 👏, and all the best to you Helene as you navigate your way through this difficult time. You can do it!
Always the focus is on us and what we can control! And yes, we are rooting for Helen!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is the very best channel. I was in and out of therapy for years but after watching these videos my eyes were opened as to the causes of my emotional problems. I am now working on myself…… all thanks to these amazing videos. Thank you so much.
Absolutely love to hear this! Glad Anna's content has been helpful - cheering you on! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Oh gosh!
My dad did the almost same thing to my mom, and I exactly remember how it was. So have i now developed anxiety disorder and Panic disorder, but not very chronic, but,anxiety and avoidance take a great toll on me. Sometimes i think, if I get married, will I be doing the same thing that he did to my mom and me? If I Do, how hard and excruciatingly painful it is to that girl! Lord Jesus help me.
Thanks for the video.
There are tools to help with this including the dating & relationship course! crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Thanks dear friend 😊
Yes. This attraction to emotionally or otherwise unavailable men is my pattern. You have enlightened me.
I'm so glad the video was helpful. -Calista@TeamFairy
Sending hugs to Helen and everybody dealing with this.
Hugs to you as well!
This just happened to me. My wife of 5 years just left. She had been going thru periodical depression, and would withdraw from communicating or putting in to the relationship. I spent the past year building a new business, so we had only been living off her income. She had left before, only to return a few weeks later. Just as your video describes, it was like a roller coaster. 4 weeks we would be like angels, followed by 2 weeks of feeling like total strangers. That cycle was out relationship for 5 years.
Only now am I able to realize that I was giving myself to someone who was unable to feel the same for me.
I'm sorry. This is so heartbreaking. Seeing it for what it is, is a door opening. I hope you get free!
it's me, I am that terrible partner (which is why i avoid relationships altogether lol)
You don't have to be :)
There are resources, including a dating & relationship course if you want help with that. As always, the best starting point is Daily Practice which is a free course courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I get being self-aware about our flaws. Part of why I haven't been in a relationship or even dated since before COVID is because I know my occasional episodes of depression are really harmful to people close to me, and I'd rather be able to withdraw in those times. But just like I'm working toward maybe someday not having such painful episodes, maybe you can someday reach a point where you can head off the impulse to run away.
I was in the hot / cold relationship (so I thought) for 1 1/2 years! I was bonded to him which was tremendous unhealthy… it was gut wrenching… i cut it off 1 1/2 years ago and have been healing the parts of myself that allowed me to put up with a such a healthy relationship… Anna is SPOT ON!
Best not to tell them if your leaving. They can find that out later by themselves.
honestly ?
@@stephenfermoyle4578 yes they will either pull a pity ay to suck you in or possible vet physical. If you go no contact. You don't tell and block their number get a new phone stay off socal media at least 6 mo.
@Ed_Green sometimes that is the right thing-particularly if one feels unsafe but not always. We get empowered to be honest with people :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you AGAIN for this video! I have been in WAY too many just plain weird, emotionally abusive relationships it is just not even funny. Never was. I have always known I deserve better, and never stayed with someone who wasn't treating me right, but as I think is often the case, I am now alone, all the time. I am not looking for a romantic relationship, but am looking right now to surround myself with people and friends who WANT to give and receive at the same level I do. It is hard. work. It is true that I have put up with WAY too much. Glad to be out of it but trying to learn and function on a more "normal" level of accepting the love and respect I truly deserve is quite foreign to me. I believe in the long run though It is difficult right now to change, in the long run I will be happier. Thank you for teaching me this very important information and giving me hope. I am too young to die emotionally and I still have a lot to give!
Just knowing you have a lot to give emotionally is very powerful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
emotional abuse is a self- serving set up to be in a relationship that will make me leave, be alone and finally safe in the emptiness of life. Once we figure out what is it we get from such relationships, the spell is gone.
Of all the TH-cam experts on relation, crappy childhood, and inner trauma, you are the BEST plain and simple! You know so damn well how I feel inside....
Guy🙋
57 years old From Quebec ,Canada 🇨🇦
Thank you!
I have pretty bad CPTSD and I was in a long term relationship with someone who also suffers from it on the same level I do. Because of this the understanding and connection between us was no short of amazing. We met when I was 15, it didnt take long for us to start dating but it didnt last long either due to us being young and other life factors. Especially factors of my home life, which were by no means even slightly normal or stable in any way. We stayed best friends though. We even helped each other through relationship problems with other people we dated through out the years. He was there for me through almost every bad and traumatic experience I had growing up, as well as being right there with me during every single one of the greatest experiences of my youth. He ended up moving to a neighboring state for 4 years, during that time we both had children of our own. Still we kept in contact and I even visited him and his girlfriend as well as their daughter. He ended up moving back when my daughter was about 8 months old. He was single at this point, and I was with the father of my daughter. The intimate and sexual part of my relationship with my daughters father had unfortunately fallen apart shortly after my daughter was born but we had been best friends since I was 13. That connection alone had kept us together and somehow still happy. But when he came back, I ended up being the only one there for him. He family wouldn't take him in after his decision to leave his previous girlfriend. I held him while he grieved that relationship, and while he beat himself up about being away from his daughter. Our connection grew stronger then any connection I had ever known. I ended up choosing to leave my daughters father so I could be with him. We dated for 4 years solid, and even planned to get married. Then, he relapsed, and eventually I relapsed. Slowly I watched the man I knew turn into something else. In those 4 years he started to gaslight me, blaming me for his family not wanting anything to do with him, even though my own family disowned me for being with him. Eventually he started mentally abusing me, which turned into physical abuse. He ended up getting diagnosed with schizophrenia, the same illness my mother has. The drugs made it worse. He started manipulating me in ways I never thought were possible. He abandoned me and my daughter. Leaving us to lose everything, including our apartment. Still I took him back. Then the psychological abuse started, and he had started warping my mind, and distorting my memories in every way a person can. He had sex with every female friend I had, flirted with our roommate right in front of me (among so many other things) and told me I was seeing things and being jealous. But by this time he had branded it into my mind and my heart that we were soulmates, meant to be together. We were two halves to a whole, each other's missing puzzle piece. That's why we understood each other so well, that's why we were so much a like down to even our music taste and hobbies, and that's why our hands and our bodies fit together so perfectly. So leaving was never a thought I could bare, especially considering this was the only real love I had felt I ever had. I had never gotten love from my family, just like he didnt get love from his. I built him up in every way I could not realizing he was destroying me in the process. Towards the end I found a letter he wrote, it basically said he was playing a game with me, rambling about how much fun it would be. He wanted to see how much I could take before I broke, and that when he was done with me, I wouldn't even have my mind. Closer to the end, after we had lost everything due to his behaviors and were homeless, we had gotten a room one night. We had deep conversations that night, expressing our love for each other and planning how we were going to get back on our feet. We ended up having the most passionate sex I had ever had in my life. Afterwards he held me, we were both naked and we were talking. Our of now where he said, I didnt get with you organized by choice, I chose you because I needed to survive and I had nobody else willing to help me or that even cared. Who knew such a deep connection and understanding love would come out of it. I spent the rest of that night silent, trying not to let on hiw much he just tore me apart, saying all of that as if it was a normal and okay thing to say. A few days later, he abandoned me again, homeless on the streets days before my birthday and took off with the money I had left. Since then hes claimed to have wanted me back several times, and every time he called I came running. Then he found another girl willing to take care of him. One that doesn't know his games or bullshit. So now the promises we made to each other 'Best friends over everything ' and 'Not even in death' are just words in my head played back in my memories. He still wears the engagement ring I got him around his neck, and I still wear mine just on a different finger. We dont really speak, its way too painful for me. Hes the only love I ever knew, and not even that was based on truth. Now, I'm here just trying to sort through the wreckage that is my mind, my heart, my life, and my entire being. Being with someone that also has CPTSD ruined me more than my childhood did by far. And now I'm too terrified and traumatized to move a muscle. I'm completely frozen as I watch everyone else's life go on, grow, and prosper. I have no idea which way is up or down. I need help. But I have screamed and begged for help just to be told to get over it. I dont have a clue about how to get help for the problems I have now, and I'm afraid if i dont do something soon... I'm going to drown. I dont have a lot of fight left in me to stay a float..
The Fairy's work is designd exactly for people like you- I would start with the 'healing childhood PTSD' course bit.ly/39NxUBo
-Cara@TeamFairy
Unfortunately I cant afford your classes....
If there's anyway you could help me with that I would be eternally grateful. I dont much how longer I can hold on. The flashbacks I'm having and emotional flashback and trigger are getting to be too much for me to handle. It's making me want to go back to my addiction to get it to stop, and that's the last thing I want.
Please, I need your help.. I'm begging you.. you're the only person I have to turn too. I've been abandoned by everyone. And you're my last ditch effort for help.
Omg! I love my daughter with all my heart and she can not love me back. I’m so glad you made this video.
It's interesting how she could diagnose the guy from the videos but not herself at all... I've been there. The pain misleads you to try to understand and maybe fix the other instead if taking care of yourself first, and setting a firm boundary for your emotional health and who cares why the other is abusing you.
Helen and fairy, thank you so so much for this. I am in this situation and this video really helps me a lot. Love the metaphor of the plastic apple, it's spot on.
Glad it was helpful!
Intermittent reinforcement is the name for the insanity of abuse. “He’s not all bad. He can be loving.”
Thank you so much! I admire your knowledge and your gentle wisdom. When I watched this video, I recognized that the way she treated me was emotional abuse.
I'll call her Cynthia, not her real name. She grew up in the Philippines, the last of 5 children. Her dad was an alcoholic. I don't know how bad he was, but she told me it took her many years to forgive him for being such an awful father. Her dad passed away many years ago. Her mom is 70 now. She worships her mom, who was a hard working seamstress.
She married a man who is 28 years older than she is. She and he live in northern Alabama. I watched a few videos about daddy issues. Her husband has classic narcissist behaviors. He blames her for his problems. They have been married for 11 years. They still argue. They probably cheat on each other.
Filipina women tend to be * very * emotional. She has this pattern where - she creates some drama. I don't like it. But then instead of discussing things like mature adults, she goes on and on about how hurt she is, and she blames me for the problem which she created. This speaks of old childhood wounds.
Could this behavior come from someone guilt tripping her over and over when she was a girl?
She just does not want to change. Right now she is playing the victim over her latest drama, which she created.
Not sure I understand... this is someone you are involved with?
Thank you for this one Anna! I really needed to hear about the trauma bonding pattern.
You are so welcome!
I was in this situation for 10 years, with a few very specific reasons why he would suddenly disappear. The "normal" times were fantastic. But the "absent" times...he literally didn't exist. And I felt like I didn't either. The relief when he came back (or even when he just didn't leave) was addictive. But eventually the distress at the abandonment outweighed the relief, and the fear of abandonment became too constant to bear. I couldn't eat, sleep or function.
Earlier on, he would disappear a few times a year for a few days. Later, he would leave for 1-2 months at a time once every 1-2 years, and then come back.
The reasons were valid for him, but that didn't mean I had to accept the emotional turmoil in MY life. His reasons were related to HIS life, HIS issues...and no matter how "perfect" I was or whatever I did, it couldn't change that.
The last few times he left, when he came back it wasn't the same. I'd detached unconsciously. I still cared for him and always will, but I simply could not care about IT (what we had) anymore. The care factor had been knocked out of me.
The last time he left, it was in March 2020 and I assumed after a month that he was never coming back, and though not ideal, it wasn't my choice and I couldn't do anything about it. He then suddenly reappeared in DECEMBER 2020. 8 months.
So...we're friends, with a long and emotionally intimate history that mostly, I cherish. But no longer do I feel how I used to, and for that I am so grateful. I can't, and I won't, and that's a good thing. I want only good things for him and I don't regret anything. I'm in a good place. He may never be, consistently, but that's not my responsibility.
Disclaimer - long distance (AU to US) online relationship from 2011 to 2020. He was already in a long term relationship and 80% of his vanishings stemmed from his partner finding out, 20% stemmed from his serious chronic health problems. He is also 69 years old and I'm 42.
I can relate almost exactly the same it's been 8yrs for me and I just felt like a ultimate side Chick and I was so blinded by love it was stupid!!! I wasn't myself he was also in various relationships the last one made him change into a total asshole and the disguard was just too fucking much to handle he was distant and always disregarding it's really fresh for me just a few days I've gone no contact but as hard as it is ultimately it's toxic and I have to keep reminding myself I deserve more
@@unknownuser2300 Oh wow, that's so bad!!! I'm so sorry you've had to live like this. I guess in some ways, I was "lucky" in that my ex person, when he was with me, treated me 100% well. Always encouraging, supportive, caring, never demanding, very open with his feelings, funny, understanding, always made me feel hugely desired and wanted physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually, and above all else, he loved me unconditionally just as I am, and didn't run away or back off even when I was not the easiest person to deal with. The reasons for his disappearing were unrelated to me.
This is, for me, why it was SO hard to lose him when he'd disappear, and also why I allowed myself to basically develop PTSD from it and accept that lifestyle for so long. Because the good parts were SO good. And he listened when I expressed my anger, pain, indignance, upset and distress. He listened at great length and was always patient and understanding.
Having said that, from all of this, I've learned a few things...
- We show people what we will tolerate from them, and how we will accept being treated. WE do that. Sure, other people will not always treat us well, and some of those reasons are valid, BUT...nonetheless, it's OUR choice (and not an easy one) whether we accept that or not.
- When you notice the bad / stressful / anxious / unhappy times are outweighing the good times...start asking yourself why, and then, if it's still worth it?
- IF he really loved you in the way that you need and deserve, would he treat you this way? Would YOU treat someone you loved this way? If you treated someone like this, what do you think it would say about how you felt about them? Not much respect, I'm guessing. Would you suddenly vanish on a close friend, making them worry? (Yes, I know intimate relationships are more complex, but complexity is NOT an excuse for poor treatment!)
- No matter how good they are when they're good, that cannot negate the bad, and unfortunately, you can't only take the good without the bad - you have to take both. All the baggage.
- No matter how "perfect" or "easy" you are, it won't protect you from him disappearing. It won't prevent it. NOTHING you do can prevent it, because you cannot control another person. Only he is in control of his actions, and he DOES have control. He CHOOSES to leave. To treat you in these ways. And mostly, he doesn't even realise because he doesn't / can't place that much importance on how HIS actions impact YOU.
- Basically, at the end of the day, you choose how you want to be treated by a partner. In this situation, nothing is going to change. So...unless you want to feel unloved, neglected and disrespected...the only option is to leave. Unless you WANT to continue feeling bad and chipping away at your own self worth, the only option is to leave. Which you have done, and good for you for being so strong!
- It feels like you're dying inside. I know. But it DOES get SO much better, believe me.
- From this, you become wiser, you will have some happy memories, and you will know more how YOU require a partner to treat you.
Wow- those were very long disappearances. Thanks for sharing and so glad you seem past it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Unknown glad you're here- you can do it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@ladybaabaa3294 I mean I'm trying I'm on day five so it's a process
I'm not going to sit here and lie like I don't sometimes look at my phone and wish I got a sorry or an explanation but let's be honest and realistic is not going to happen I know that leaving a narc in general is the hardest thing anyone can do and it is a mind f u c k so I'm trying I don't know what I feel I'm just numb at the moment
I'm doing exactly what you mentioned which is thinking about the good and the bad and the bad outweighs the good for me the love bombing was real when he was there he's attentive no fighting but then it just got to a point where I feel like I'm devalued I'm no longer necessary or needed or beneficial if that makes sense
I have to let it go because of my sanity ultimately I can't be a better person or the best mom I can be if I'm constantly going crazy and having thoughts and not being happy you know
I guess I was at the stage of denial for a long time thinking it was going to work out and somewhere along the line if I stuck it out and swallowed all the crap I mean years of crap that eventually he would be like man that's the one girl that stuck it out with me but it's not worth it
I lost who I am myself worth my self esteem my confidence I became a very insecure weak and a very analytical person to myself
I did a lot of terrible things that I would have not normally done and I had to catch myself like what's next become an alcoholic abuse drugs find some other addiction to get you off of that one
like no I can't do that so I have to be strong and I know it's only day five but five turns into six and then next thing you know it's 30 days
I wish I had a support group or a friend I really have nobody to talk to so it makes it a little bit harder to go through the process of withdrawal in a sense
but this is life and everybody has their own struggles and you deal with the cards that your dealt
and you're right I put myself in this position because I kept taking it I didn't have boundries I wanted to be the yes woman the it's okay I'm down I got you I know the game but the game comes with consequences
You win some you lose some
I don't know what the lesson to be learned is
To know the signs of an narc and never date one again big deal
I don't think that's it at all for me I literally lost love trust I don't feel like anyone else who comes after this person is going to get my true authentic self off the rip because I'm very standoffish with the brick wall you know
I think I just need to take time for myself he drove me insane I give him that he really did a number on me my soul and my heart I'm very desensitized and I don't believe in "love" anymore
I feel like it's 2021 and there is no love There's situational situations beneficial situations and just understandingsbut that's my broken heart talking you know maybe it's just hard going through something like this completely alone you either come out stronger or you die trying and I'm not the suicidal type because I have a kid so I have no choice but to come out stronger
I just pray that I get over it faster than it feels like it's going to take..
As time goes on im realizing what emotional crumbs i had to pick up just to survive........and a lot of times where I had to create it in my head just because I loved her.....I still miss her but as time goes on I'm feeling better about making sense of it all from all the things that didn't happen.
I cant thank you enough for all the ah ha moments that I've gotten from this channel as well as your ability to compassionately relate....I know i can trust what you say......and that is huge.🙏
That's a wonderful compliment for the Fairy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You made the dx of f60.1 npd have trauma -they can be dismissive. Lack of need to be involved in the relationship. Inner child work can help with the feelings elicited during his leaving. If behavior and words don't match; watch the behavior ignore the b.s. talk.
:)
My husband is diagnosed with ptsd. He triggers at me and leaves for one week or more. He expected me to walk on eggshells and make things right for him. I finally stopped crap fitting and set a strict boundary for him to get help.
If you are triggered then you also look into self-care that isn't reliant on his self-care. That's the best support. Good luck to both of you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks, I'm in therapy and do my own self care. I've grown and healed a lot through our separation and will continue to heal myself no matter what.
I have used to be being self sufficient or emotionally resourceful, and have lowered my expectations about or of what is possible. Perhaps this is part of becoming a mature person in love rather than my past childlike self in love.
I can't comment regarding your lowered expectations, I hope they aren't too low! If the issue is that you expect people to anticipate triggers for you, then I suggest trying the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl
Best,
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am so grateful I found this channel. ❤️🙏🏼
A partner who disappears is doing drugs and/or cheating.
Walk away.....nothing wrong with solitude. Being alone doesn't equal being lonely.
Couldn't have said it better myself
I agree with you Rick. I've been on the side of both a few times simultaneously. Being by yourself is not such an awful thing.
it's not always drugs or cheating it's a trigger that comes out of nowhere
@Rick in this case we won't make assumptions, the partner could be a covert avoider and not cheating but the point is that we always keep the focus on ourselves and what is acceptable (or not) to us :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@stephenfermoyle4578 Yes, and the cause isn’t as important as the effects.
I have been in an exact situation one year ago and ... the pain... omg the pain was unbearable
Yes, the pain is miserable. But the freedom that comes is also indescribable!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes i'm experiencing it 😊💙
Self governance is sooo needed
I had that for 2yrs and I have let that go ,he had a drug problem I was involed in that,But I decided togo to the Lord and turn my life around And it feels good,It's been 2wks & 4days and I'm so glad he's out of my LIFE, ,praise the Lord.🙏🌈💯😁🌹
Good for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was my last validation to know I have to cut all ties. I have cut most ties while I started to heal, but I was still holding on. I know now that I can't heal him, we can only heal ourselves and have faith that in healing ourselves it shows others they can too!
I'm so glad to hear that!
This video is really relatable to my relationship with my mother; she has not stepped up to support me the way I needed even when I've talked with her and that is fine.
What I didn't know was that this is a trauma bond, and it explains why I want it to work out so badly with her 😞
Still, with the help of my very grounded partner, today I chose to finally stand behind my needs and if that is to let her go and look for fulfillment elsewhere I promise to do that for myself.
She can catch up to me if she wants a better relationship with me later.
Great attitude!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My friend has been in a marriage like this for decades. She’s had cancer twice and now rheumatoid arthritis. She tries to make it ok, but the body keeps the score. I’m sad to think this is killing her and she’ll die in it.
The sad thing is i somewhat wish it was like that with him. Push and pull. But he just didn't love me back. He was interested, we got to know each other, and he felt we were better off friends. My ex and I had that push pull dynamic where he'd leave and come back over and over throughout 3 years. At least sometimes I felt better. But with this guy I just feel the pain of not being good enough and there's no relief. I just found out last night he's in a relationship, and the girl is a beautiful yoga teacher. I made myself feel better by believing he would just be a forever bachelor type. I thought he was incapable of loving anyone, but that's just because i didn't want to accept he just didn't love me. Now I see that.This truth feels like a million shards of glass shooting into my heart.
How are you doing now?
it's difficult when you have c-ptsd and being dysregulated , regulated people see something different within we , this has only made sense till I watched your'e videos Anna . and looked at the buried trauma within my mind , and talking for the first time to a therapist and feeling my pain I have hidden coming out in tears , god bless you ,
Thank you for what you do.
LOVE “go ahead and love fully and be someone who gets high quality love right back. Be someone who gets clear and timely information when your partner needs a break.”
Yes. This is not too much to ask!
Absolutely!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is great video! The guy left me without telling me reasons, feel like he did plan to break up witg me while i was dreaming to build the house with him. It hurts so bad but i cut all of contact. No contact for 2 months already. It hurts like hell in first 2 weeks being abandoned and then whole month i could not do anything but blaming myself for any mistakes. He still disappeared! I tried to go to dance class, get new jobs, read books, see alot your videos understand my ptsd. I feel better day by day. Still somehow i miss him as we had good time during covid 2 months. But then at the end, he did not love me that much. I can take that from now.
It is typical for an abused child to be an abused adult, But what is rarely mentioned is that it is common for that abused woman (usually) not only to be clueless about boundaries with partners, colleagues, friends and every situation (especially where there is a power imbalance). She will have no idea what a healthy family looks like, so she will do her best, work her hardest (usually as a single parent, or with a husband still hanging round intermittently, abusing and harming her, showing children a partnership means a bully and a doormat). She will be determined to do everything she can for the children, always put them above anything, would give her life for them at a moment. But she won't, probably, have spare time and money to play with them very often, take them out much , and talk to them at length more than occasionally.
They, especially her, will always live under dread of what the father might suddenly turn up and do, and her options in life are limited by the need to keep the bills paid single-handedly. The children won't realise how hard she paddles under water, working nights and days. They will realise she is a doormat. They will despise her. When adult, they will think ( without actually thinking) that partnerships are between bully and doormat ,and they choose one role or the other. But they will treat their boundary-less mother with contempt, because she won't lay down rules or have expectations or make demands that, for instance, they visit, or phone.
She will pathetically hope to be asked to babysit, as she feels she has no right to exist on earth if she is not being useful to someone else. She has never been loved or accepted just for being herself, so that's how it stays, to the grave nobody will visit. I have seen many women whose lives have been really hard, from childhood, and they have not been cruel or neglectful of their children (on the contrary) Yet as adults, those children have never been told the true situation, and never realise, and in any case probably never will respect or love or care for a doormat.
The women who never showed pain or distress since their tortured infancy will not have been correctly socialised (one of your talks covers that) They also won't be in the habit of bursting into tears. They will hold their children and say they love them, as they do, more than the whole world. They will be doing everything they know, to show it. But as one of your other videos says, if you do something in a slightly different way, you won't be trusted. And your children will correctly accuse you of "being secretive" (of course you are, you don't tell your precious children about a cesspit of abuse) and they will say " you isolate yourself".
And you lose contact, and having never wanted anything except a family and a home, you have neither. It feels hard, because you still kept up dutiful contact with monsters from your childhood, yet your own children and therefore grandchildren can casually cancel the fact of your existence, when everyone always describes you as "kind", and you never ever harmed a fly, let alone did anything deliberately wrong or cruel to them. They maybe think you don't love them or care or have human feelings or are not human, so you don't need a mother's day or birthday card, or even to know, in time, and after their own divorces, where they live and what their phone numbers are. (You never did and never would 'be a nuisance' by uninvited contact with them, allowing the assumption that you are nothing, like some ex neighbour they once knew, and if they want to contact you, like any of your friends, it will only be when they want to, or want something, which is fine. )Sometimes the only way to stop hurting is to blank your mind out, but you are human, whatever they think, and it does hurt not to have any family at all, even your own children and grandchildren, and not even know contact details .
This is a profound description of one common thread of the way trauma plays out in a lifetime. I have seen it. I'll give my all to helping good people everywhere avoid this deadness, and live freely, in a life filled with received love. Thank you.
As a complete stranger to you, I'd like to offer my sincere gratitude to your unbelievably detailed, accurate account of the way my own mother has raised me and my sister.
I'm 44 yo now and it's taken me my whole lifetime to get my arms around this complicated life.
The words from both of you ladies tonight have given me a completely new perspective on things.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Sincerely,
TH-cam stranger Justin
Thankyou for sharing this it shines light onto my own mother and just thankyou X
@@rubytuesday7653 thank you Ruby. It sort of surprises me I wrote it, But it really surprises me anyone wold read and reply
I guess I’m more healed than I sometimes think because I would never treat a partner like this.
Probably the opposite: if had this kind of wonderful synergistic connection with someone I’d have trouble spending any time away from them.
:)
Been binge watching your vids since I found you! Thank you for sharing! Cut the ties almost a year ago and I am trying to find a way to heal.
Thank you for all the content you share it’s so helpful and grounding. 🙏🏼
Happy to help!
Was guided to this today. Thank you.
You are so welcome
Needed this.
I've loved people who couldn't love me back many times... A painful place to be..
this can be about parents and grown children as well as romantic relationships.
This “abandonment” from someone who didn’t love me back was the catalyst for my healing.
I'm going through this right now. Sometimes I think that he really loves me deep down, but he's scared. I can relate to the woman in the letter. Recently I told someone that I've been off and on with for 3 years that I couldn't see him anymore. He flakes out on me a lot. He doesn't communicate well, or at all. Yes, I've thought that it is a trauma bond. I don't fear being alone. I've been single for 13 years. I'm nearly 57 years old. He's 21 years younger than me. I'm not desperate. I think I must be going through the withdrawal now. I'm actually considering reaching out to him at some point, not because I want to see him again, but just to let him know that I still care. Crazy isn't it? I have abandonment issues and cutting him off triggers those wounds. I just don't want him to feel unloved, eventhough the way he's treated me has me feeling unloved and unwanted. I've always made excuses for his behavior. I blamed it on an insecure attachment style. I've got an insecure attachment style too... but you're right. He really offers me nothing... for whatever reason. I feel like I love him unconditionally even though I know that we can never be together. I don't want him to text me back. He has a dentist appointment next week and I just wanted to text him good luck. Is that sad, or what.
You're not sad- but CPTSD gets some old idea about love & attention stuck in our heads. We want to identify the bad programming in our minds so we can start to have a new experience, without all the fear clouding us. We recommend the Daily Practice for that, it's a free course Anna created bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thankyou
i feel like such a monster bc i did it to someone who was doing it to me. she was my friend and her life was at a very bad place i was helping her but also trying to leave some space between us so she could feel like she's fixing her situation on her own. and then she started to get help from people who were there all the time and did things for her and they didnt take no for an answer and so she stopped texting me back when i asked something simple that takes no effort to answer like yes/no it would take her sometimes hours and thats ok everyone is busy from time to time but sometimes 5 days. i felt like shit after that kept happening and so i started doin it to her as well (i would still text back after a few hours or if she texted late at night i would text back in the morning) and i felt like such a monster and i still do when i think about it. the worst part is i talked to her about it even recently and she says sorry and everything is ok and then she does it again. it is that way with texting calling and even meeting. i cant meet up with her bc theres always something more important or some emergency or whatever. i wish her all the best but also distance myself from her bc i cant live like that, feeling like im not important or not worthy or like bad person. im tired.
Try the Daily Practice, it's a free course bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Please please do more on this topic and about the grief and false guilt after recognizing it is emotional abuse to experience this kind of relationship from a family member. The false guilt is the hardest for me even though I recognize it’s because I was trained in childhood that it was my role in my family to keep the family together and that I was responsible for the feelings, thoughts and actions of others. I know those are lies but it’s so hard to manage the feelings even when doing what is right by cutting off
Thank you for your comment. Yes, many of us can relate! I'll pass along the suggestion.
TeamFairy
He’s just got another girl that he goes to when he ghosts this one. This is the main MO of most men these days. Stop accepting these guys back. They leave one time, and it’s OVER. I have PTSD, and I don’t use it as an excuse to have two men and abandon them alternately.
A lot of us could not deal with the ghosting, for whatever reason. It has been interesting that several people have commented they do the same thing for a break and are bad communicators, not always cheaters.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yeah well, I’ve heard the “I’m not a great communicator” excuse before, too. He still went and knocked up a waitress at the restaurant he used to take me to all of the time. It’s better to realize that if a man’s not in your bed, he’s in someone else’s. Because women get burnt by being understanding. Men know exactly what we want to hear so that they can keep us around for future use. A man who loves you wouldn’t do anything to risk losing you, and once bad behavior starts, they never go back to the way they were. It’s over.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy No one should deal with ghosting and however bad communicators those could be they wouldn't do that to someone they loved. One can't disappear just like that. I did ghost people many times but I never did it to anyone I loved or even those I didn't but I knew that they loved me.
@@toscadonna Being in other woman's bed, elsewhere or in my own bed without noticing me at all doesn't make much difference for me
do people actually comment things like that?? "That's sooo old fashioned????" That's hysterical. I'm going to send you a letter Anna.