"The Narcissistic Family" - How The Reality of This Type of Family Life Impacts You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- "The Narcissistic Family" - How The Reality of This Type of Family Life Impacts You
The Impact of Narcissistic Parents and How to Overcome It
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
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Growing up with narcissistic parents is not easy. It is a fallacy that narcissistic parents breed narcissists. This is not the common case. Actually, children of narcissistic parents tend to be quite different, and we’re going to discuss that in this video and how you can help yourself if you’re a child of a narcissistic parent. If you haven’t seen part 1, you may want to go and check it out before diving into this one, as I explored the environment and family rules and messages and how they’re exhibited.
Adult children of narcissistic parents tend to have the following personality characteristics, beliefs, and views to different degrees. I’d like you to go and get a piece of paper or something you can mark off how much these characteristics, beliefs, and views are a part of you. As I go through these, rate each from 0 to 5; 0 being nothing like me and 5 being absolutely like me.
Self-sacrifice
Self-blame
Buried by guilt
Compulsive caretaker
Conditional Approval
Perpetual perfection
All mistakes and all consequences
Gratitude giver
Internalized narcissism
Hero/zero
Need to be needed
Emotional Minimization
Dirty competition
Diffuse boundaries
When you look over your ratings, take notice of those rated with a 4 or a 5. These are likely to be some pretty intense traits that influence how you live your life and see yourself and others. You can get control over these things, and do it differently.
Please remember, we’re all different in how our environments impacted us. This is why it’s so important to understand what makes up our personality, beliefs, and views so we can grow and develop from the knowledge. Remember, knowledge is empowerment.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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This list is painfully accurate. The narcissistic family system will never change. Self-care is so important. I finally am aware of my needs instead of everyone else's. Narcissistic parents teach their children to abandon self and care for them. It's a broken family system without love.
So so true. No love. I am finding self care to be fun and empowering .
Narcissistic husband's teach their wives to abandon their self and care for them always first and foremost!
O and the wife is treated with silent anger and withholding of attention if she dares to put herself first !!
So...Freeing...To...Be....Out....
Of.....A....Sorry....30 ...year...marriage
Of Narcissistic Abuse !!!!
I agree entirely. I have been there and still struggle with the pain. I wish you the best and I am very thankful for these posts.
Way to make it about you. Jk😂
God help me what is wrong with them they completely destroyed me!
The best thing is to leave the family, there’s nothing you can do to help them see differently
I was an abused slave for decades. I STILL I am blamed as being the Defective one. the Broken one, the one who deserves to be abused forever. ALL BULLSHIT. They need to abuse ME to feel good about themselves. Calling me names or labeling me as mentally ill is necessary for THEM to feel good, satisfied. Its Always ALL about ME.
57 years and counting, the effects are never ending...
Not sure what you mean? Hope you liked the content of the video.
@@DrDanielFox 57 years and counting, the effects of this family Dynamics are wrecking intergenerational trauma in our lineage which is just impossible to overcome it seems. I also voiced I would like your videos to be longer and to contain more self-help for those that can't afford or find proper trauma-informed therapy 💕
@@reallythere I agree, I got away but the damage is permanent. But I don’t think there’s anyway to get personalized help on TH-cam. But all these aspects described in the video are helpful to recognize and see where our thinking is holding us back.
I think this video is about gaining awareness, which is a huge starting point. We can't break free from that which we won't acknowledge. Dr. Fox is very generous to bless us with these videos. Recovery takes work and time. There are some great books out there easily accessible via local libraries or on Amazon that cost much less than therapy if you don't have access to or can't afford therapy.
@@reallythereThis can be true as it’s passed from one generation to the next. It continues until some distance and leave the fold or it’s bred out (which can take several generations).
Especially when the dominate features are control, domination , power imbalances.
They tend to pass the torch.
Great topic
At 43 I’ve decided to ignore my narc mom. I would dismiss her from my life but my empathetic aspect (my nature) won’t allow me. I decided I’m going to be me. I will do my duties as a daughter but in the back of my mind-she can’t be trusted.
Going through the same here
Same
I tried for years finally I said one mild thing in a calm voice. She hung up on me and it’s been years since I have heard from anyone in my family. No one has ever reached out. I was a lovely daughter and sister and realistically I wasn’t allowed to be anything else. Or else it would have happened much sooner.
@@brigitte9999 I'm 60 years old now , both of my parents passed away in the last year. I was 1 of 6 children and only 1 of my sisters has remained in my life. The other siblings are narcissistic and now blaming us for our parents death. My mother was 92 and dad committed suicide last February.
The narcissistic crap never ends .
Take care and God bless
You have no duties to a narc / you owe nothing to a narc.
The thing to remember is that parents of my generation narcissism narcissistic traits were the norm. In fact one of the things that people use when they gaslight you with regard to these things is they will attempt to absolve the toxic parent or parents of any blame or responsibility in the way they treated you by saying “oh well that’s just their generation“ and I think that when you were raised by narcissistic caregivers that is actually your first experience with gaslighting is when someone in many cases will actually watch your parents treat you that way and excuse it away by saying that’s just their generation.
I was born in 1959, and I was raised by a narcissistic father and a narcissistic borderline codependent mother. Now back then mental health was not discussed it was swept under the rug so like most of us born around the 1950s to 60s, our parents may have been narcissistic AF but they were never officially diagnosed. With the exception of my mother who was admitted to inpatient mental health facilities twice in my childhood but of course we were simply told she had a “nervous break down” and we were never privy to her official diagnosis but now as a nurse of nearly 40 years who worked in mental health from time to time, I now know what it was. So back then you did not know that it had a name but you can certainly describe the behavior and more importantly you knew enough that this wasn’t right. Now when you are younger you think everybody’s family is like yours it’s not until you get to be school-age like middle school age and you visit friends houses and you see how very different the family dynamic is in their houses and with their families as compared to yours so that is the beginning of the never ending tortuous journey of trying to figure out where the problem is trying to define the dynamic. It’s like the game show from hell and it would be called “what’s my dysfunction“ instead of what’s my line. And you can tell where each child falls in that dynamic simply by the way they view what went on. For example you can tell which child is the golden child which one is the scapegoat etc. etc. and you can tell as an adult where that child ended up personality wise on that spectrum by how they viewed the toxic upbringing and since things like narcissism and borderline are generally some percentage genetic i.e. nature and some percentage upbringing i.e. nurture for example I am one of three siblings and I am the oldest my brother thinks my father was the greatest thing since sliced bread, he is the one that talks about it being “their generation“ and while he acknowledges the lack of emotional connection the lack of being told you were loved or valued and the lack of outward signs of love and admits to the put downs & the belittling he Does not believe that my parents bear any responsibility in it because he thinks we’re all grown up now and he thinks that to placed the responsibility on my parents that they should bear, he calls that “blaming the parents” and considers it to be trying to shirk our own responsibilities as adults and says that behaving like that is playing the victim being a drama queen or “woe is me“ syndrome. My sister is full on narcissist she is the worst combination in my opinion of my mother and my father my father would lie and manipulate but he was never actively vindictive or revenge driven but my mother was. I tend to be more borderline than anything and do not intentionally knock others down to make myself look better but I do notice that I have a tendency to point out others mistakes and others faults if you will or issues but I work very hard at trying not to utilize behavior that is gaslighting in nature I am more codependent in that regard in other words I Grew up into adulthood not tending to behave like one parent or the other but rather I never outgrew that scared toddler who walked on eggshells and live in High alert survival mode, people please denied my own needs an ate the anger until I was so full of anger I would regurgitate all the anger there by repeating all the same patterns. I married two men exactly like my father and almost married a third until the emotional violence turned physical and that was my dealbreaker and I praise God every day for the fact that it happened because it is what got me to examine that the one commonality in all of these failed relationships was me and that saved my life because it forced me to do the one thing without which you will never heal from this and that is you have to be totally raw and honest with yourself before you have a conversation with any professional you have to have that conversation with yourself.
If you were raised by narcissistic parents the first thing you need to understand is, & I don’t care what age you are, until you get professional assistance you will always be the toddler that was never taught how to grow up and leave behind. That is what is being spoken of when they talk about your wounded inner child it’s not necessarily that your inner child was wounded per se it’s just that it’s like at a certain age your psyche was put into emotional handcuffs and you were not allowed to proceed further you were never given the skills to learn how to adult and not that everyone raised by narcissists is a narcissist themselves as the video states however that is the one thing that is at the core of narcissism and narcissists are what I like to call “forever toddlers“ because if you look at the way your average toddler behaves that is the period of their life when we are naturally narcissistic it’s survival the parents job is to teach you more acceptable ways to grow out of the primary egocentricity of a toddler and learn empathy and learn that empathy allows you to put your needs first when appropriate and others needs first when appropriate. I was not able to start doing this until my father passed away shortly before Christmas this year my mother passed in 2013 and I knew that I would not be able to start to really heal until they were both passed. I do not speak to my sister or my brother unless absolutely necessary. And in case you haven’t guessed it by now yes I am the scapegoat.
Thank you for listening guys and I hope that my story helps others to understand this dynamic a little better. Thank you Dr Fox for finally giving us a concise picture that illustrates why we are how we are in adulthood
Good luck and God bless!
#ElizabethClarkson I recognised so much of what you wrote. The Walking on Eggshells is something I completely regognise, and there are so many different people in my life that I've felt ,like that about. Father was one, and he was always meering out physical PUNISHMENTS and most of these were not for anything he considered we'd done wrong, no, he hit my brother and me, It was done at the behest of my Motherwho always got him to physically hit us. In moments of bravery on my part and in my middle 30s at this point I asked my Mother why she did this. I asked why she told him whatever displeased her knowing he would assualt us physically. She answered me by telling me that my brother was hit more than me. She was referring to the past, as my brother left home when he was 15 years old, and I'd had my own life for ten + years at this point. I felt both angry and sad for my brother and me. I asked her on more than one occasion why she'd continued to do it. I asked her why and how could a Mother tell the Father thay she'd been annoyed or whatever , I cannot recall a single transgression that would have warranted her reaction. Perhaps I didn't wash some plates, or was late coming home from school. These would have been the minutiae of our "sins.". I said to her I could not comprehend why this Mother of mine could build a case against me, prepare her report, then tell my Dad whatever she felt like, knowing he would hit me, hurt me. How could a Mother do this to her own child ? Readers of this might recognise that I had got to questioning stage. Before this I would never have felt strong enough. I'd had enough years away from that life to my own life, and no longer accepted everything she'd said or done, both in the past or in the present. Of course, I then became victimised again by her, as she rallied my three sisters, and one brother to take her side, against me. She would relay her feelings about me and they fell for it.. Her Narcissism began to pick up a pace She would talk to me about them, talk to them about me. She'd be on the phone for hours either talking about them, except my youngest half-sister.. She'd complain about people she worked with for hours, and I could feel myself being drawn in, used again, being told about her helping out one sister and brother with money, because...... well they needed it. I was never offered a single penny, ever. It felt so,pointed to me, and made me feel bad, upset, the not knowing why was dreadful. It certainly diminishes a person, mostly for all of their life.
@@corryjookit7818 I can relate to both you & Elizabeth & went through the same. My situation was having been an only child there was nobody to witness my homelife. I am now 65 & it has destroyed me. I married at 19 & was determined that my own children would feel love & approval - something I had never felt. I would get the belt from my father for the slightest thing & nothing I achieved was ever good enough. My children never felt like mine & my mother referred to them as 'her babies' At Christmas & birthdays my children received 4 times the presents we could afford which made my children worship them. I was reminded on a weekly basis of what I was going to inherit from them which was a way of making me feel grateful to them in their lifetime allowing them to control my marriage & children..
My mother left home when I was 12 as she had an affair & I came home from school & found her & boyfriend in my bedroom together which was something I kept inside but when she left to go with him I felt abandoned. My father told me I couldn't stay at home with him as he had to work so went to live with my wonderful grandmother. To shorten my story mother came back to father & then nothing more was said. He also had apparently had an affair but they would both stand in condemnation of others who did likewise. My husband was weak & allowed their control of our home life & children. After 35yrs of marriage, my children were 'owned' by my parents despite me cutting off from my parents as they were now the 'new beneficiaries. My marriage went I lost my children & grandchildren. I feel a massive emptiness inside but life with these parents was about control & money.
Thank you for sharing your story! stay strong
Thank you
I understand. I was the scapegoat. The favourite sister suffered long term. These posts help understand it. Blessings and healing.
The part about relationships really rings true for me. I’ve always been drawn to people more aloof who I give more to but if someone shows me a lot of affection and is clearly interesting I’m immediately turned off. I could never figure this out.
I'm exactly the same. Then I feel like I'm trying to suck out more then they can or willing to give.
this is me, had me wondering it maybe I’m the narcissistic one because I didn’t know how to handle people who genuinely were interested.
That's also me exactly.
Relatable! Hot🤦🏻♀️
I have been exactly the same. I guess I always felt overtly affectionate people were false. It can't be real.
When I said no to my mum (probably for the first time ever) and tried to set a boundary with regards to how I would like my children to be parented there was a lot of manipulation, passive aggressive behaviour, blame, anger and eventually she has resorted to the silent treatment. It wasn’t until this time apart that I realised how narcissistic she has been to me and my sister all our lives. Now with therapy, a supportive partner and friends it’s time to heal.
Whoa can’t put your kids in that hell. Just can’t. It’s a choice.
++++ exactly like me(( my mother has a “stealing mother syndrome” with my baby-born, and I tried to set boundaries just like you. We don’t communicate.
Once when I was about 45, I was reading a book that said something about “in every relationship we have needs.” I had a huge Aha! It had never occurred to me that I had needs or that I had any right to them. I’m still learning many years later.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother is one of the main reasons that I've ended up being the quiet sub-type of BPd. I completely drain myself by internalising and I have no self worth. My mum does the silent treatment, guilt tripping and is passive aggressive. I grew up taking in everything and thinking it was all my fault and it's my job to make everything better for everyone but I forgot about myself. I was neglected by everyone and didn't know any different. Now I'm 29 and in therapy and I can see that it was not ok that my self harming was ignored, it was no ok that I was pushed and raped into sex at 13 and again at 14. Nothing was ok and I deserved better, I still deserve better now but I fully focus on my husband who has ADHD and my 6 and 4 year old who also have ADHD or something that makes them a lot of hard work, there's so many needs of everyone else to keep in my head.
Thanks for your comment. Don’t forget you matter too.
I am so sorry 😞 for the abuse you have suffered everybody deserves to be treated like they are worth something and to be happy. Sending you ❤ 😍 💖 ❣ 💕 💘
We have only one life and balance is important especially for moms. Seek win win in everything or no deal then it’s a decision process for both parties and you won’t have to internalize it so much when you’re genuinely seeking a win for both parties / people. The book…Seven habits of highly successful people is in your future. Good luck.
The hardest part is that anytime I encounter any relationship, whether a friend or a romantic that is safe, I shy away from it because it’s literally beyond overwhelming to have someone treat me kindly, because I spent so much time alone, and neglected growing up. I noticed that this Christmas when I had a friend surprise me, and really do some kind things for me during the holidays and get me some lovely gifts that I found myself listening from done because having someone treat me nicely is overwhelming from the underwhelming lack of love, my parents gave me. It literally stresses me out.
Another incredibly accurate account. As a younger person my scores would have been very high, they have decreased over the years with lots of therapy and self-awareness thankfully. The one thing I've never heard of is 'dirty competition', oh my goodness this has hit me like a brick! I have so much pain from not achieving my goals in life or not making them in the first place Not having the fight, the drive and the final push needed. The total absence of an inner cheer leader. Hearing this now I understand why competition is 'dirty'. Without fight and drive I will not achieve anything of significance and that's precisely what the Narcissist wants, for me to be kept down, 'in my place' with no voice or significance in this world. How dare I steal their glory.
I have the boundaries and the cord has been cut, that's a good place to start living my life.
Ha! I connected with that as well, but even more so after reading your comment. It's almost scary how *me* you are. 😳
@@JJo-zx5pg yes this one has really resonated with me as well . Thankyou
Omg! I just thought me being very passive was my personality and the internal struggle to assert myself was normal. I was programmed by both my Narc parents! I was berated to tears when i told my father no for the 1st time in my life. We no longer speak. No regrets on my side
Jade, the word berated hits the spot with me..
These narcissistic systems can exists in schools, workplaces, or communities too. You can run into this kind of treatment out in the world even if you dont' get it in your family.
True
Yes, I’ve found this to be true, but I’ve always felt that you’re more prone to it if you got it in your family. Unfortunately, I have run into a lot of carbon copies of my parents.
This is by design, narcissistic families and schools are feedstock for narcissistic employers. The employers interview specifically for these traits so they can more easily manipulate their employees and get more work and compliance out of them… it’s also easier for the govt to control us when they can antagonize your abuse triggers VIA THE MEDIA and get you to emotionally react in the way they want.
@@Akcd11r2002 Well said. Society is permeated with this narcissistic predator vs prey mindset. Also quite often groups/organizations including churches have a few narcissists running the show.
@@lesliegann2737 thinking back to all my job interviews after having come up to speed on the traits of narcissists, there were definitely a few that they were testing to see if you would be “mailable enough” or willing to be bullied in order to work there. But like you say, predator/prey…. It’s everywhere…
Very grateful to hear but so painful at the same time. I’ve wasted SOOO much of my life ☹️😢 Still dealing with siblings and the one who created this mess. I’ve tried to extricate myself but I am now drowning in guilt.
22 years after a 15 year marriage to a man (we have 2 children that are adults now) who was brilliant, charming, funny, successful, generous, shockingly cunning, pernicious, nefarious light switch dark triad (my diagnosis of him* after 27 years of off & on therapy *HE didn't need therapy, he didn't have the problem, of course) I feel like the damage done to our children, that baggage is so HEAVY with endless layers deep, they will never get it unpacked.
My own self blame, regret, guilt and shame are just a few of my ongoing issues.
So I just turned 50 this year and now only ready to face the fact that both my parents where narcissists and that this has affected all my loving relationships as an adult. Good thing for meditation, yoga, spiritual journeys and exposure to people who showed me unconditional love, I can say that while I would have scored 5 to 2/3 of this list now its down to only 2 5s. Thank you for this list it was very helpful for me to understand how my upbringing impacted me.
I’m so glad that you found the material helpful. I wish you all the best.
Child me, 65. Adult me 0. It took a long time to get there.
I’m not yet 65 but it actually takes that long.
@@brigitte9999 Agreed. I'm 66 now and didn't really start to get it until I was 46. I keep learning and healing every day.
58 and learning every day 🌞
I didn't realise internalised narcissism was a thing; after a streak of incredibly bad luck, I found myself sinking into a deep hole of how unfair everything was, and how much easier my successful peers have always had things. It was getting so bad it made me uncomfortable. At the time I was worried that I may also have NPD as well as BPD because of this trait, but now I think it was an inevitable part of what I learned during my formativwe years.
With the exception of the narcissistic traits carrying over to me....I am a 5 on all of these. I have not seen anyone for help on my issues with my mother. I know I need it. Unless I am distracted ( something I work feverishly to remain) I spend a lot of time reliving moments, dwelling on anger, sometimes feeling guilt for the no contact etc. The insecurities and self doubt plague me daily. In my 20s I drank and partied. When alcohol was no longer desired or acceptable in my life, that's when I realized just how insecure I was. Being around other people, even friends leaves me envious of their confidence and self assured traits. I have stopped hanging out with everyone and some of my friends have taken it personally.
These are hard life choices. Insight is key. I wish you well.
The family dynamic I grew up with fits your description perfectly. Ironically, they make jokes about it and try to reinforce that if you had a problem with it, the problem must be you. Very twisted.
My family has turned on me and call me selfish because I didn't go to the family holiday Gatherings during the pandemic. They know I have asthma and my doctor had told me I should stay home because no one in the family would be wearing masks. It actually felt good to stay home and be able to just relax and enjoy the holidays. When my narcissistic dad died six months ago, all I could feel was relief. There was little grief oh, I feel like I have been set free.
i've wanted to ask someone about the dynamic my mother and i have for so long, bc i'm 99% sure she has both npd and bpd (i share that latter one) but she refuses to go to a therapist or psychiatrist in any capacity.
specifically i've heard about the golden/scapegoat child dynamic, and while it somewhat fits, there was this... weird shift between the two that i think has to do with the way her comorbidity functioned. it was like she would split on me and if i was in the "good" column that day, i was the golden child. i could do no wrong, she was so proud of me, she loved me so much... but the instant i did something "wrong" or disrupted her peace and happiness in any way, she'd instantly switch. and then i was in the "bad" category until her moods shifted again.
i was either smart and capable and talented or i was incompetent and lazy and ungrateful. i was either so thoughtful and nice or i didn't REALLY love her and my brothers and i was just using her. no nuance, no *dissonance* despite saying wildly conflicting things depending on her mood, no stability. and as a result, i could answer 5 to all but like 2 of the things you've listed here, and one of those was still a 4. despite being in therapy for years and honestly really struggling with myself, i'm still riddle with self-loathing and guilt, i still panic at the slightest hint of being abandoned.
now that my mother is older and we no longer live together, she's calmed down a lot. she's apologized for her behavior. but the damage is done. and now that i'm finally starting to be able to have even the slightest bit of a relationship with her, i'm terrified she won't be around long enough for it to really matter/turn into what it should.
i'm not sure why i'm saying all this. it mostly just started as an observation, but... maybe someone else will read this and not feel so alone. maybe it can be helpful. trying is hard, but i'm not done with it. one step at a time, right?
i also answered 5 to everything except for 2, and both of those were 4s
Your mother's apology shows that at least she's aware and even slightly repentant. Or maybe she's just reeling you back into her trap? My mother became much less reactive and angry after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and we were able to have honest conversations that were not possible in the past. I came to recognize and empathize with her lifelong brokenness and insecurity that she suffered, realizing that she really didn't know any other way. Thankfully, I was able to forgive her before she passed, releasing us both from the burden of resentment. It wasn't easy, but the healing that it brought for both of us was well worth the effort. So, don't give up!
Hey, I get it. This is still new to me but it sounds like internalizing. I havent really dealt yet with the fact that it all stemmed from my mother. I'm still learning that she set the program into me.... I have internalized many things from my husband (who I think us a covert narc). When I look back at all of the things he told me, I think his mom was def a narc. Constant guilt trips. His pops left while a teenager. Emotionally neglected. And then... he did all of it to me! But I think my mom was a narc too! It's weird how we somehow repeat patterns! It's actually amazing when u think about it! I never thought she was a narc until I figured out he was! It was like a backward connection. So for the record, ur gonna realize who u really are at some point ;) I'm learning this now, without internalizing. It turns out I'm pretty awesome. When the smoke clears, ur gonna find out that you are too :) Keep learning. Keep growing. We are unique individuals, apart from them... even if we have similarities ;)
Yeah, that's a thing for a narcissistic parent. And when it's more than one child in the family it's another weapon they can use to manipulate the kids, pitting them against each other in some twisted sort of 'contest' to 'win' their approval and attention. One minute *you're* the Golden Child because you 'always' do this particular thing, "not like your sister..." and then next the aforementioned sister is the Golden Child because she does this *other* thing that you 'never' do, and now you're the Failed Experiment Child and "why can't you be more like your sister..?"
It took me and my sister YEARS to realise our parents had been covertly doing that to us all though our childhood, purely to mould us into whatever they needed us to be in the moment to suit their purpose.
@@Maerahn Yeah, narcissistic parents pit their children against each other for their own amusement. And if both parents are narcissistic they will both grab a kid and make them golden while the other is scapegoated. What they are really doing is using the kids as a way to fight and control each other through controlling the kids. I call this game "Rockem Sockem Robots".
This is an accurate list. In this type of household, it really is all about the narc. In my parents' generation (I am 51), my dad was just programmed to please my NM at whatever the cost, no matter how absurd it was. For example, an incident I recall from 40 years ago when my NM was having surgery and needed time to rest afterward. She went down south to stay with a relative and my dad and I were not allowed by her to stay in our own house. We had to leave and stay with my uncle. After a few days, my uncle told my dad to man up and take his house back. My dad and I went shopping and got groceries and new pots and pans (my NM never cooked). This arrangement lasted only about 2 weeks until she somehow found out we were there and demanded that we come and get her. The whole 8 hour ride home, she yelled at my dad and me, saying we betrayed her and we shouldn't have been in her house while she wasn't there. Once we got home, She made me throw all of the groceries away, and then she made my dad give the pots and pans away, just to make her "point". She is a twisted individual. She is now in a nursing home and I no longer have to deal with her.
you just described our youngest daughter with your quiz. I tried to shield her from her narcissistic mom, I failed horribly because she now suffers from crippling anxiety.
Sir, You are a LIFESAVER.
Boundaries were non-existent growing up.
Thanks 😊 be well
It was always something with my mom we got on a head-on collision and she told all the doctors I was not her daughter when I was like 10 and then like even when my brother did bad things to me she wouldn't believe me until he wrote a letter from prison saying why he did it I always hated that
Both parents were emotionally-physically abusive and distant especially the mother, therefore, it created this constant dread: what did I do or didn’t do? So when people of authority go quiet, I instinctively feel-think it might have something to do with me. Now, when that happens I tell myself to calm down, get a grip; and who cares. Most times it works. Imagine growing up like that. No wonder CPTSD is real.
Awww that’s sad think it has a lot to do with the way they were raised years ago
Video request: healthy competition when living with BPD.
I'm most comfortable alone at this stage of the journey,, ppls words sound like amified feedback sometimes..yuk..I've heard about everything that has to be said I think 😃 unless it's niceness
Im looking forward to hearing anymore ideas how to Not Be A Part of This Shitshow cycle😒👍😘
LOL 😂 this made me laugh 😆
"Knowledge is empowerment." Great stuff - glad I came across this - subscribed to see more.
Thanks and welcome.
Sad to realized that I am becoming my narcissistic mother. Although I tried to do my best to be different and do what my mother didn't do to me and did something good to my kids but there are times when my behavior is just like my mother. Most of the time I can't control it and regret after and if I tried to control my emotions to just suck it up and not say anything to avoid sounding like my mother, I felt like I'm going to explode with anger. It's not easy but I'm not giving up because I love my kids. What I did do was not communicating with my mom and sister who only use me for money. I told them the truth and boy they were mad as hell but I am not allowing them to use me anymore. If I am not a family if I don't give them money then I am not a family to them in the first place. I never regretted it. I don't hate them, I forgave them but I will stand up for me and my kids and husband. I am more peaceful not hearing dramas from them and I gained my money staying in my pocket for not giving them the money they don't deserve to have. Life is better without their drama. 😁❤️🙏
Everything in my family was a zero sum game. At ten years of age I was told by my father that, “You will never be anything more than I am.” I eventually became a nurse so, yea, I’m definitely a caregiver.
This has been extremely helpful. Brought up my a Narcissitic mother. All the classic traits. Being put down. Told I could never do that. I returned to my home town just and met one of my mam's neighbours, who was surprised I was buying a lunch for my father on his 84 birthday. She said that would be a first. Then I remembered when I was about fifteen. She said to this neighbour I would never get into debt, because I was too mean. Yet she told me she never had anything, so do not come crying to me. Naturally I was careful, but never mean. What I have I share within reason. Yet it ended up local gossip that I was mean, because I could not please by never asking for anything. Jealousy hidden under protection. I was once asked to join a folk band. Mam could not sing. I was told you cannot sing in folk clubs, it is not safe because they are full of men. Protection, control masquerading as care. Things got worse when dad passed with Covid in 2020. He had some understanding. She drove him away. Even that was all about her. Oh how she suffered. This all makes sense. You can never do right for wrong with a Narcissistic parent. Get good grades in school and they will hang onto the one criticism in your school report. I thank you for your help. It has helped me determine boundaries. Though I have lacked confidence all my life. I got three degrees. I have been married 28 years to my first husband and have a loving relationship with in-laws. I was once mayor of my small town. I need to focus on the coping when the negative reminders come round. I thank you and blessings for helping me understand further. Blessings to all those who have been through similar experiences. We are not alone. We can still love with our wounds.
I scored very high in most of them - though a couple I scored 0. But if I reflect, a lot of these things have changed as I've gotten older. The younger me was a mess.
I remember one time when I was 20 or 21, my mom threw a surprise party for me. Everyone I knew and cared about was there in our living room, all looking at me, not knowing each other, smiling, expectant, no angle not covered. It was a wave of total panic for me. I couldn't handle it. I dove toward the safest protector I could quickly scan for, my large, older cousin. Everybody giggled and was a little offended, because they'd put out all this effort and I didn't want it. Mom should have known I couldn't handle something like that. I didn't have the self worth for it. It was a terrible present. She was always trying to help, but she wasn't very smart about it.
I gave every one a 5, with the exception of 2 that I gave a 4. No wonder I am still furious with my Mother who has been dead nearly 7 months due to Covid. It has been the most freeing event of my 53 years alive and I cannot explain how I rejoice often for my own life being returned to me at last, however sick it may be. Thank you it is long overdue to actually be vindicated, affirmed, and truly validated in the many ways she caused me more heartache than there are words to explain it. I hope to find someone to help me somehow recover. God bless and keep changing lives who so desperately need your message on this horrific abuse.
I’m glad that you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best
Christine, don’t worry. We have to process these very deep and damaged emotions. Yesterday in the market I spoke to a woman who was celebrating her 102 yr old mother. I said mine passed in 2018 at 101. She said,” you just want to hang onto them forever.” I said, “No, not really.” 😉🙏🏼🕊
I got a score of 60.
I gave myself 10 for the Diffused boundaries because that shit lasted well into my adulthood, and was involved in THE most damaging things that ever happened to me in relationships of a romantic nature.
I learned too late that my boundaries were well established with other people, EXCEPT in romantic relationships, where i still had flimsy boundaries, and still find myself to be too giving, and receiving far too little from the romantic prospect.
The GOOD thing is, i ended every single one of those attachments before any of them even hit a year, but not before permanent and extreme damage was done to me, that i don't think I'll ever get over.
I've had years of therapy for my childhood, but I've never done a list of ratings like this before - and boy, was it enlightening! Looking at the ones I scored 4s and 5s in, there's a definite picture of what was expected of me - my role in my family was 'The Invisible Helper.' As in, everyone elses' feeling and needs HAD to take priority over my own, if things were wrong for any of them it was MY job to 'fix' things, or at least make the person feel better - but I had to do it in a way that nobody else could notice, so that it looked like they'd done all the work themselves and that, if anything, *I* was just a burden on *them* who always seemed to be making their lives difficult.
Thanks to therapy, I've now been able to give up on the idea of ever being 'good enough' for my childhood family and therefore live my life no longer jumping through hoops for them... but I'd be kidding myself if I said I haven't just transferred those same old beliefs to my new family instead (my husband and son, and, by extension, my mother-in-law and brother-in-law.)
My God Yes, The Invisible Helper.
Can’t wait to hear this vid
My sister used to ask me why our mother didn't love her and I told her that she did the best she could (as per previous therapy for me). It took me many years and only recent therapy to realize that she was totally narcissistic. Now our mother has dementia and doesn't remember her previous barbs, etc. But she is more pleasant to be around.
thank you for making these!
Really an eye opener
Woah. This is an eye opener.
Thanks Dr. Fox ✌️
Wow! Thank you for creating these clear and concise descriptions. So helpful!
I love how encouraging you are! Very helpful, informative and educational!
Hope you have a beautiful day Dr fox, you are a great source of hope to us all 🤩
Thank you so much for this.
Great information!
Thank you for this highly illuminating video.
Thank you for putting these feelings into words, verry recognisable...from zero to five...it looks as if I am still working true it, but it is getting better the last years...I will survive it by nowing the triggers and let them fal apart by my knowledge.
5 on everything and was emotional listening to them. I’m going to use this list to clear using energy healing. Thank you.
What a video!!How you articulate the family dynamics which in real life can be so subtle and sneaky but can really have a devastating effect on people’s lives is brilliant.I believe these videos are really helping people know their not alone.....keep up the good work!Fantastic as always Dr.Fox 💪🏻
Great channel , great subject , hit the nail on the head , very professionally presented. Thank you
Wow- this is so accurate. It would be wonderful to be able to analyse these scores more fully
This is C O O L stuff. Damn true all of it. I personally used to think until recently that this way of thinking is normal. These believes.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Thank you so much for making this video.
You’re welcome.
I have regularly little crisis of anger and self-esteem. Sometimes i though that i am boderline, sometimes i hting i have cptsd. I know that i have i narc mother and stepfather that i dont live since I'm 14 (i live with my father. 38 now). Videos like that helps me a lot. Even with the clarity of therapy and studying psychology, sometimes this things in this list that you spoke off come really hard. I had ten fives, one four, two tree's and one two. That lifts the weight a lot.
Thank you, Dr. Fox
You’re welcome.
Great video. 🌞
Thank you Mr Fox! I have been taking steps to cut off my parents this was a reminder that I’m doing the right thing
This was wonderfully helpful to take stock and see just how far I’ve come - and what to focus on. Thank you so much for this 🙏😎
You’re welcome ☺️
I read someplace that psychology is a science and therapy is the treatment plan to healing.
Thank you for the test.
It showed me just how far I've come & that there's still a long way to go, (and that's ok. I'm feeling gratitude in enjoying the learning path I'm on).
So many 4's. Thank you for the list
I got a 64- this is really helpful. It puts to paper the issues I need to work on in therapy and point of my suffering I need to really really work on to have a somewhat normal and functioning life that I can proudly say I am content with. I have been battling this fight against my family for my entire life. I am shocked yet not surprised that I got this number. I’m nmore ashamed I let it get to this point. Now, my narc mom is staying with me due to medical issues (I am convinced she let herself get this sick to purposely stop me from fulfilling my own dreams as a means of getting back for her having to sacrifice her life to raise me) I have told her time and time again to get medical attention but to no avail she waited until it was too late. But she has an almost identical narc personality of those who have hurt me (from her side of the family). It’s been hard but lately I have been forcing her to understand I am getting help. She’s jealous, envious and hateful towards my strength. I hope I can be a model to her on how to change but with her favorite saying:
“ you have to accep’ me for who I am”
I am not sure if she is worth saving at this point, any advice?
Thank-u this was very insightful.I understood narcissistic behaviour but the family dynamics and how they affect children I wasn't aware of.Knowledge is power.
I’m glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
I put a plus sign and stars on the strongest 5s. Then just 0 on some oh hell no reactions. Will listen again and read over. Very spot on bullet point titles and descriptions. Thanks. At 67 I am still working on boundaries, multi generational shtt show and trying to make good decisions.
I appreciate your clear , uncomplicated, and concise information , and also your pleasant delivery! You are helping to bring more love,goodness, empowerment and understanding into the world. May you be protected in doing your good work. Thank you so much for all you share and do! I wish and pray for you to be showered in blessings!🙏🏻❤️
You’re welcome ☺️
Very informative and crystal clear content in this video. Thank you so much, Dr. Fox !
Hello Bente, how are you doing hope you’re having a beautiful weekend
I have learned so much from these videos. Thank you! I am doing better at setting boundaries with our Mom. I see how she manipulates/controls others. Its power over everyone that she is after. I don't let her guilt trip me. Its sad, but reality.
I will revisit this as part of my healing.
11 out of 14 of these items I scored a 5. I've been working on this for 50 years and I'm still a mess. What a legacy to deal with!
I'm finally coming around to this. Although i don't believe that either of my parents are narcs, there are some traits. My mother had a very sad childhood, (her mother died when she was a preschooler, then she was passed around to family friends and relatives). She had no consistent role models. I can't blame her.
There were many narc behaviors that I did NOT see my mother engage in, but the scapegoat/golden child dichotomy was always on full display. Also, HUGE and blatantly inappropriate guilt trips, and any boundaries I tried to set with the GC were ignored/removed by our mother. There was a pervasive feeling double standards and injustice, and I often felt as if I was being punished for doing well.
My mother did her best, and did many good things. Still, I need to be aware of this dynamic, as the signposts have been there all along, and my life has been greatly affected by this.
As adults, i believed that we were past it, until I saw some very persistent, (for 20+ years), absolute batsh*t, entitled, narc-ish behavior toward me by the GC. The G.C. made demands for apologies that were/are not owed, and always with an audience present. After years of repeated demands for apology, I grew to deeply resent this. I rarely see my family, but the GC has to bring up her 50 year-old grievances in front of an audience about every other time I see them.
We are all different. Absolutely. I identify with a few of these but not most.
😢 you nailed my life growing up!!!
a large amount of this list I found myself at 5 or 4's with. The other I have been working on and it felt selfish to do so. I have always been a zero in my family. My half-brother can do nothing wrong, however, if do something small that is deemed wrong I will never hear the end of it. I remember in time before my dad restrained me against my will I kept on telling him constantly thank you for everything you do, I did this to keep the peace.
I am/was in an on/off relationship with someone who has narcissistic/BPD traits. The one trait that I am healing and yet is still uncomfortable for me to take in is the aspect of competition which was mentioned in this video. It was an aha moment and I really appreciate Dr. Fox's insights and positive yet realistic outlooks in his videos. My mother (and ex boyfriend) were competitve with me. Other women in particular were competitive too which made me feel betrayed and uncomfortable. I am starting to realize that some people are like this and not to take it personally. In the past, I would act like the victim and wonder why they would do such a thing and think there was something wrong with me. Now I try to steer clear of these types of people when they're in that state... don't trust them.
They are very beneficial I just love that I found you
Very empowering, this cleared the fog ! Thank you Daniel !
You're very welcome
Quite useful friends, helped me biggly
This is good..gosh my recent x boss was a total catastrophies..whoa..got old very fast..Imagine a parent using name calling when a child makes a mistake, has an accident, drops something...bling .instant trauma..well over time
This was super helpful...it's hard to see what happened to you as a child as abuse, especially if it was non-physical and covert. Listing these out and then comparing them to how I've been able to reduce these traits through my healing process has been really revelatory. Thank you!
Your awesome Dr. Fox!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
80 % of my list got 5 !!! Feel horrible... And I also suffer from bipolar disorder.
But, as you told us at the end, I can seek for help and I can stop the wheel... Tnx so much for your really informative videos...
I’m so glad you found the video helpful and don’t be too hard on yourself for scoring high. I like to think that means that adaptive strategies may be more impactful to bring you down to a four, and then a three, and so on. I wish you all the best.
Thank you!
Dr Fox this was great. Thank you! I have a question about what you mean by competition? I really dislike competing with others and I think it's unnecessary. I enjoy comparing myself now to my past and seeing my growth. I appreciate that healthy viewpoint. I also appreciate seeing growth in others as it helps and inspires me to improve my life, but in a healthy and adaptive way. Is this what you mean by competition?
Never stop growing and believing in yourself 👌
Awesome self reflection tool 😃. I noted down todays values and the highest I remember in different parts of my life (half of them hitting 5 at some point). So, being in my 50ies, I am pleased to announce that you may call me teflon-chick 😂. The fact that itˋs a vulnerable narc, I‘m dealing with, makes me especially happy and proud of myself.
So, to however is out there hurting: if I can do it, you can do it. Empower yourself with educated knowledge, put your teflon suit on & let the beauties of your true personality shine free like the sun 🌞
Thanks for your comment.
Glad you presented these several points. I am in all of them on scale from 0 to 5 I am 10. One point is not right with me, narcissistic competition or jealousy, although I was envious about other kids better situations and external looks when at secondary school, I am not competitive with nobody and don't give a rat crap how others look at me now although at school years it was mandatory how one is evaluated by teachers and schoolmates. At work place I was hard working man Friday on a peanuts payroll but did not complained. Had enough mony for my tiny needs.
What I wanna mention here is pros and cons of right or wrong therapist one meets on his her way to recovery from mental traumas. Yes, my life at parents hands was a living hell. That's why early on I took interest in Fine Arts and Eastern Religions. Namely Zen, Upanishads and later Taoism of Lao Tzu. There was also Bhakti Yoga for 7 years but Zen and Taoism have been doing for 43 years now.
Wanna say as a warning to everybody, look with whom you rub elbows, who gives you spiritual guidance and advice. Have met many good people who were my friends and teachers but I want to mention 2 of them. Opposite experience. One binding the other releasing. On man I met in 1980 was Marian Skalski, a witch doctor, yogi, healer bioenergotherapist, clearvoyant, astrologer and everything in between. When I came to him, he immediately diagnosed me saying, you have a heavy mental illness, you did something bad in the past bad karma is burning in you now but in short time you will experience karmic eclipseoverpowering and everything will become peaceful for you. He added, there is 2 of you and you need to came into an agreement. He said he just has a look at a man and already knows what's wrong. I must help other people and pray. Gave me Zodiac chart and said nothing more. I was very impressed with that encounter. Believed in his words 100% immediately. Harismatic man he was. Always was saying he is very busy with healing people. When asked about the reason of giving me Zodiac chart he said, you will know by yourself. 2 weeks later I got abbreakthrough in my Zen meditation and got realization of Buddha Nature, mutual identity of enlightenment and ignorance. It happened suddenly and I was taking ordinary people as enlightened Buddhas, expressed my happiness and my mom brought home a psychiatrist on pension who immediately locked me up in a mental hospital for 8 months. That hospital seemed to me a staged environment set by some cosmic gods and Yama, for me to work there and show off what I am made of. I was taking care of local patients, working as a nurse, a giniter, floor cleaner sweaper and mopper, a laundry man, a spiritual mentor, and the best friend of all of them, patients and stuff. Was tired extremely exhausted but hey, my Nirvana depended on the results of my performance so had one and only shot and that's it. 8 months later Dr. Gadecki released me from custody home with a diagnosis, SYNDROMA PARANOIDALE. Must admitt the whole thing was unnecessary effort, but was induced by Marian Skalski, who told me before, everybody must go through this.
Was haunted by his words, sense of guilt for the next 36 years and was wondering what bad thing I did he mentioned to me in his place...? I fell into some kind of blessing giving on the streets of Montreal for 23 years till Dr. Bachneff put me on Seroquel and my obsession with being tested by some upper beings subsided.
My second man, was with the opposite suggestions. He was Korean Zen Master Seung Sahn. Personally I did not speak to him but was corresponding with for 24 years till October 2004 when he died. His last letter was saying to me, go only don't know, don't make anything. Put it all down. When hungry eat. When tired sleep. That's all. He was the man who took away my painful suggestions given me by Polish clearvoyance Marian Skalski. I am no more obsessed with helping people nor with prayers. Have returned to normal life everyday mind is Tao as was said in Zen.
CONCLUSION:
From my life experiences I can say to everybody be careful with whom you rub your elbows and before believe in someone words first check it out if they are true and working for you. Don't lose faith in yourself and your ideals. One man can put you down but if you are lucky with your karma you might meet the other man who will lift you up and high. Don't give up on yourself no matter how things may go against you. If you are patient your perseverance will lead you to calm waters of paradise, as Jesus once said, the God's Kingdom is spread all over the Earth but blind people cannot see it. Although I got my soup to eat, I am living in Buddha Land on earth now in Nirvana world.
Enlightenment of Zen Buddha is nothing special.
Your everyday things are not changed you are the same man as always have been. Things go on. Life goes on. Before you lived in samsara, the world of ignorance, dirty vision and opposite karma, attached to words.
Now you live in Nirvana, world of enlightenment, clear mind and pure vision and clear karma, freed from attachment to words. People were hostile before and now they are all the same nature, BuddhaNature, and nobody is making you any obstacles because the main culprit of trouble, your own evil mind, violent, cunning and black Bull, became neutral loving mind, peaceful, truthful and white Ox. Two realities in one world.
Sky always blue. After winter came spring and trees got green leaves. Television people as always friendly.
Perfect video..loved it..I know the reality of healthy..before this..so, ty
I find the opposite is true with competition, as children of narcissists are often compared to each other, played off of each other and are never good enough, so you become driven to be the best, creating competition. It kind of plays into being a perfectionist.
Dr. Fox - could you possibly provide a list of anecdotal behaviors to this assessment of characteristics? Would be helpful! Thank you so much for this!!
Dr Fox, I really appreciate these resources you put out here to help people with BPD & our loved ones. May I ask, can you discuss the notion that people with BPD can't/don't love others in a video? Or do you already have a video discussing it? I was shocked to hear that notion because I've always considered the way I feel about my family, my desire to make them happy to be love.
That’s a good idea. I’ve found people with bpd to be full of love but the fear gets in the way. Thanks
Thank u im doing this😘
wow........... i dont know how to feel agen ...... deff giving me a panic attack as it really on point .... all of these two videos are really on point ...i even have have a hard time knowing what i want ....if my partner says what do you want to buy just look for something i cant i become to paniced ... only reason we are even in Hawaii is he wanted to i am so paniced even thinking of how to change these things as there just part of my core understanding and comfort .... i love being the helper i always bend ...... even in my current relationship ill try to put down aboundry on not accepting the blame all the time and end up just giving in and saying yes its me cuz i know it will get things back to normal ...... thanks for this video ..... but deff maes me cry and paniced as I'm not sure what to do as I've been doing therapy since 6 and even still got locked up from finally hitting a braking point of not expressing and tried to kill my sisters ..... and its all cuz of this kinda dynamic but i truly love my parents they have always taken care of me ..... and stood by my side even with a lot of the dynamics discussed in these videos ...... I'm not sure how to prossess this ..... but really thanks for the grate video
You’re welcome and I’m glad that you found the video helpful. I hope that it helped you build insight and please use this insight to develop adaptive strategies.
@@DrDanielFox allways will gotta self relfect right lol
My family dynamic is so very sad and extreme. It would be a good book.
I feel like I was scoring 4 or 5s on most of the items on the list. I was basing this on a period a few years ago, before my body started physically breaking down on me due to lifelong illness. Around the same time I left a relationship which I now suspect was also somewhat narcissistic, and my daughter was born a few years later. Since then, my current partner has had no choice but to care more for me, and I've had to learn to ask for what I need, and be less giving (due to physical inability to provide ongoing help to anybody!). I still feel intense guilt for all the time I take up, for all my needs having to be met by my partner and daughter, for having to ask them to help me up, help me get things, and help me do things, and for my inability to fulfil that helper role as a partner and a parent.
I really fear turning into a narcissist, as many of the words and phrases I have used to ask for help, and the way I react due to frustration, reminds me so much of my parents. My patience, which once was really solid, has now eroded so far that it's almost non-existent. This has resulted in narcissistic phrases and dismissals of things that are, in the whole scheme of things unimportant, but to the other person might be important.
I was so glad to hear that narcissists don't create narcissists, and that expressing some of these traits because we don't know better (effectively) is kind of normal. I do feel now that my ratings of several items on that list would be down around 2 instead of 4, or 3 instead of 5. A couple have completely flipped in the last few years.
I just wish I could afford therapy to help me with these issues. I hate seeing the distress on my daughter's face when I lose patience with her and my parents words flow out of my mouth.
I got a 5 in all but 2 of the items on your list. I gad suspected I grew up in narcissistic family for years. This video confirms I was right. They disowned me, which is fine. I'm honestly happier without them. I wanted to learn about this mainly so I can be self aware to try to not do those things with own children
Great. Insight is key to managing and controlling your life.