So, I believe that I identify with BPD more than anything else. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, but it didn't totally fit. Listening to your description, I think BPD totally fits. I am awfully old (78) to be understanding finally, now, why my life has been so chaotic. But, here I am. I will just have to work on it and hope to have some remission before I croak. I am so grateful for your videos and so thankful you take the time to make them.
Yeah, your commet really make my day. You got 78. don't be akward. People like me will be glad to hear what your impression becouse the very fact you are here and listeing it's a stunning and almost heroic thing. As a previous comment told, but it's true: Keep smiling, it's infectious and it's true. Honored to see that someone it's in here trying to understand. Never to late, don't be akwarded. I'm with you morally, it's seriously a stunning comment about what you experienced. And remember this, If I can talk with Plato and we have wonderfull converstions and you are here this age things exist but until a limit. We are here now listeing those lecture in order to understad us better. So a super giant hug for you :D
I’m 43 and have always felt different everything the dr speaks about I have been threw, everything and I don’t think I would of ever known why had I not been looking at why my narcissistic ass man is so hurtful lol imagine my surprise to stumble upon this man and I realised I’m not crazy well at least crazy coo coo crazy lol but I do have some issues and so what I’ll manage at least now I understand and can maybe step in and calm myself and kno that I’m ok and I’m safe, that’s what I’m praying for anyway. Thank u doc for the info and thank u for the other woman we got this ladies
Thank you for writing this and for being here, I don’t know the details of your life but I come from a family with bpd and autistic women and I have had displayed borderline symptoms myself. It gives me such hope to see people from all walks of life trying to become better and healthier versions of ourselves. I’m truly inspired, please don’t forget It’s never too late♥️
I am a borderline, but I find myself evolving and becoming more and more disciplined about walking the right path and self accountability. I now love myself for the man I am. It’s been a hard fight and I’ve made so many wounds and burnt so many bridges. Now I inspire, lead, and coach people that the key to health is self discipline and the commitment to being healthy no matter how painful the journey is. I have gone from hating everything about myself and everyone around me to absolutely loving life. I also stay in my own lane without trying to fill the emptiness inside, the void that she will fill one day. I no longer behave like a child. I have forgiven myself for the wild BPD behaviours of yesterday and will be the beautiful man that life wants me to be, for the help of others.
Oh wow this really makes so much sense to me!! I had a bad reputation as what i thought i was.. a "narcissist" in my teens and 20s. As a child/teenager/young adult I felt my life was being played out like a movie (not based in reality). I was in my own world.. literally. Now that i look back on my childhood/young adulthood I actually see it. My mother was a narcissist and my father was an enabler and they were both alcoholics. I always knew something was wrong with me but I never needed to put people down to feel better about myself or needed "narcissistic supply" (and i still don't need anyone to validate my existence), but i remember how absolutely unbearingly painful relationships were for me especially after they ended. I would cut myself and take drugs to ease my emotional pain. I cheated and experienced guilt and bad about it. I remember "hoovering" a few boyfriends as well. I made an a** of myself because of my emotional instability! I hurt a lot of people including myself. 😕 As i got older (i'm 38 now) my delusional thinking and emotional instability slowly faded almost like a vail was slowly being lifted. I think it has a lot to do with working on my self esteem and self discovery! Just growing up! Forcing maturity, educating myself and self awareness really helped as well. Experiencing real love from people who are not narcissistic or emotionally stunted. I am still a narcissist magnet though! It is so bizarre! We find each other not even realizing it! After a couple of narcissistic relationships i went into therapy thinking i was the narcissist after being told i was by my narcissists! Luckily for me i have Sam to educate me on narcissism so when they do come around again I can run the other way! 🏃♂️😊 Thank you Sir!
The cycle they are stuck in is tragic. Everyone deserves to feel love for their self, regardless of our imperfections. Thank you for elucidating this for us, Sam (and Minnie).
This reflects my experience. The decrease in symptoms over time but the continuation of suicidal ideation and suicidality, for me at least has been related to the causes of bpd. Child sexual abuse and emotional abuse is like a death of the soul, it makes me feel empty and hopeless to know that it happened and happens everyday. No matter how much treatment I’ve done or how much I succeed it doesn’t really touch the core sadness and hopelessness, the feeling that people close to you can hurt you so deeply.
The ultimate sadness and pain at the realisation that the people closest to you hurt you so deeply, yes I can relate. No amount of therapy can heal that...
Thank you for explaining it like this I cannot get over the things I went through in childhood no matter how hard I try it’s in my head sometimes I feel my only way out is death 😢
Dr. you make me want to go back to school, at age 53, to make this my life's mission. Indeed, you have given me so much hope in dealing with the woman I love so much. Thank you for making these videos.
The professors conclusion of what is needed by clinicians is spot on. I find myself 'recovering' and wishing i had a mom to just reteach me how to be a part of society, or how to properly relate to another human being. For the most part i avoid too much socializing now because being around others is exhausting. Im not sure of boundaries; when i am being abusive or when someone is being abusive towards me and how to stay in the middle. I am not sure sometimes if my insights or conversations are acceptable. I find it becomes almost like an obsession to be aware of my behavior towards others and that in itself seems like an unhealthy paranoia. So now i mostly just enjoy nature and animals (with whom i can connect and make friends with in ways that amaze most people). I try to be a good citizen and respond to peoples needs politely and try really hard to be a good friend. But many times i end up having to retreat and stay to myself for extended periods after getting to friendly with people.....i start getting to open and talkative and think evrryone is my friend. I just cant anymore. 39 years of this...i have no energy left. Im ok being alone now. In fact, i prefer it. Perhaps this is how symptoms 'miraculously' subside. We just give up trying and resolve to our place in society...which is mostly out of it. It's better for everyone. Birds are fascinating. Tree moss is soft. Playing in the dirt is rewarding, cows are surprisingly curious and yes...we become cat ladies because cats make sense and are clear with you about how they feel. Definitely our society as a whole is sick, passive aggressive, fake, selfish...and for some of us perhaps its just too much to try to relate and deny our trye selves to be 'ordered' instead of disordered In the words of my husband (who is from a middle eastern country): "if they label you with having a problem for your personality, just look around, everyone else is crazy too. At least you have a good heart." That was when i got off the meds and stopped going to mental hospitals....he brought some simple validation and clarity. 2022 couldnt be more validating than ever. So in the end....i would love to have a mom to disciple me how to be more effective than others...because mostly i want to follow my faith as a Christian and love others. But since its such a struggle and exhausting i fear and pray always to God that i dont love others enough. I guess i love from afar. I try to help anonymously or through others. These are things that would be helpful for clinicians to address...healthy boundaries, dealing with our own altruism, reading other peoples reactions, and how to function in society without (inadvertently) making yourself the center of attention
I can completely relate to what you have just said. I also can't be around family that also exhibit cluster B traits that just ricochet off each other in various harmful ways.
Exactly my thoughts, thank you so much for sharing. We’ve just been hard done by our childhood wounds through no fault our own. What has been helping me heal is through the childhood meditations in which I am reparenting my inner child and have been learning to accept my parents as wounded inner children too. They too were a victim of their own upbringing so there’s no blame just acceptance and self compassion.
I use to hit my head & pull out my hair, as young woman. The ultimate self harm was unintentionally maiming myself while in a rage, dealing with my narcissist partner. That incident was 2 years ago & am reminded constantly of my lack of self control. I have done so much self work (therapy) that I feel some progress has been made. I know I am a recovering codependent. I became a mother at age 22, & am 39 & getting a divorce from a covert NPD, who spends little time with his children. I had a few big ACEs an adolescent, which really changed me. It’s nice to know there’s hope. It’s still a painful path. The disregulation is often raw inside at times, & controlling it does seem to improve with knowledge & self awareness & work. Nature, gardening, & nurturing & good caring people are my metaphorical psychic balms. Awareness is definitely a key factor.
Went through same thing kids at 24 with a bipolar and narcissistical person. Very isolated. I don’t think all people who self harm are borderline but for a time I did self harm mostly due to toxicity around me. Now even if there’s toxicity around me I choose me. I think having boundaries really really helps.
We share a similar path at a similar age during a similar time in history. I have also found similar coping mechanisms and suggestions you offerd here have been the key to the postive changes in my life too. Lets continue on the course...as hard as it is many times, it still seems better than where we were and what could have (not) been. Too much of my life feels stolen already...
As always, this is truly enlightening information from Sam V. This video stands alone amongst the sea of BPD videos (good and bad) available on TH-cam. I say this because Sam shows there is hope, although limited, for people with BPD to recover and become functional.
I think we "miraculously" heal for the same reason that spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Jeff Foster, etc found Liberation... through unmitigated, unparalleled, indescribable abject SUFFERING. Suffering will lead you out of the delusion of a separate self, called "ego". It will crush your soul into a diamond. Borderlines should read A Course In Miracles while completing a course in DBT, and if you can afford it a good therapist that "gets" BPD and trauma. With time and love, the greatest glory of all is waiting for you.
I know why they do not test as BPD later in life. Because ... as people get older they learn how to deal with life. I do not believe this has anything to do with a brain abnormality. Is it about parent neglect. It is about a parent not helping their child learn how to deal with frustration and anxiety. It is about parents who either neglect or ignore their child or maybe they do not have self control skills to share with their child. Maybe they are not home because of long hours at work ... or they have an illness and do not have they ability to teach their child how to handle their emotions. As they get older they learn how to control their behavior either from self help books or their peers or from therapy. They figure it all out, though. ... most of the time. They are afraid of abandonment... because as a child their parents either punished them with abandonment or ignoring them. When I was 5 years old, my mother took me with her to the grocery store late at night one night. Because she called when it was time to leave and I did not notice because I was in the toy section, she went out and got in the car, when I finally noticed I ran around the store looking for her but could not find her so I started crying, the cashier told me she had already left without me, i ran out of the store and there was my car but as I ran to it my mom drove away. I ran after the tale lights down the dirt road behind the store that led to our house. She drove slow enough for me to follow her all of the way home, which was about an 8th of a mile. I have never gotten over that. One other time, when I was in 3rd grade, I got in trouble ... she told me to go pack my suitcase, so I did. She sat it by the door. When it was bedtime she took me to the door opened the suitcase and dumped my stuff out and told me none of it was really mine because she had bout it all ... closed the suitcase, handed it to me opened the door, pushed me out on the step, looked down into my eyes, turned out the porch light and slammed the door. She did not let me back in for a long time. When she did open the door I got a spanking and sent to bed. Also ... my mother told my father that if he wanted to kill himself she would get the gun for him ... if he was that stupid she would be glad so she could find a man who would be able to handle life. I was 5 years old when I heard her tell my dad that. So ... it is not a brain abnormality that causes BPD ... it is parents who are over controlling or simply very unkind. I am 100% sure of this. Or ... they are enablers.
Those experiences are traumatic and trauma changes the brain. So it's not a matter of "either or" its a matter of cause and effect. I'm sorry you went through that. I hope you're doing well ❤️🩹
Thank you - your truth is our truth. I believe you. I, too, have memories that live in my head. The real me is safe bc of something like BPD. Very, very interesting!
I appreciate you sharing that here. Your mom truly did some despicable things to you. Made me feel queasy reading it. It sounds like you have come a long way in your understanding of yourself and in your healing journey. Congrats on that. (I will also add as an aside that you are a very good writer.)
Modern society also normalises (and effectively promotes) BPD and NPD traits and behaviours. One has only to look at social media trends and it's effects on the ever younger with each passing year.
Maybe...the reason why they heal as time progressed is because they stop interacting with their dysfunctional and abusive parents? And maybe once their parents croaked, they can finally completely heal?
I broke from my mother at 29 and was in a dissociated self state for 5 years but as I recovered, I was amazed by the improvement from previous cognitive dissonance. I wasn't just cured but experienced a significant improvement in identity cohesion with consistent improvement since then. the kind of people in my life determine a lot about my mental health. you're right about parents, unfortunately
I really like your voice too Sam because I know when you start speaking you speak truth. it is like there is no other way for you. so you are helping us - totally 👍
This information confirms the conclusion I came to on my own, that DBT is essentially a symptom management tool. It has allowed my ex to better manage her extreme affect disregulation, so she feels happier, calmer, and more stable. However, the behaviors, needs, demands, and relationship patterns still remain. She's not as emotionally volatile, but she is just as promiscuous, relying on a never ending cycle of casual sex with essential strangers to self medicate. She still has no stable sense of self. She still is reckless. But now she does all those things without splitting into a psychotic state, so that's a huge improvement. There needs to be an ongoing, long term form of therapy developed focused on retraining in areas of healthy relationship dynamics, recognizing and breaking damaging and dangerous habitual patterns, understanding and adhering to cultural and social norms, and general self growth and development. You're exactly right, DBT only focuses on the crisis elements of borderline. I've seen it firsthand.
Thank you for pointing out the equal numbers of male and female borderlines. 👏 I have known 4 diagnosable borderline men and 4-5 borderline women over the years. It certainly runs in families. I do think they are more common than the statistics show, however. A few of them were misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder and so the related treatments failed them. I think this is due to a lack of education and experience on the part of the therapists. Love your videos.
Great video. Thank you. I hope that further generation will reach the help sooner. I was told about the diagnoze at the age of 37. Lots and lots of demage, lost friends, career impacts. I understand this a difficult topic. And therapists do not want to deal with that at all...
Well! My life path explained in 45 minutes. Getting sober helped a lot. I believe the behaviors remain from habit and are also somewhat iatrogenic , considering that people with bpd tend to present for a lot of unsuitable treatment that doesn’t address their long term needs. I think your idea of psychosocial training is good. This was very interesting, thank you.
I was under the impression that the 'behaviors' like impulsivity and lash out anger etc. were a result of the dysregulation and mood lability. Or even fear of abandonment. If the mood is stable, it would seem the behaviors would also decrease.
The pain is extremely difficult for parents of borderline. I am very encouraged with what you have shared here. My 20 year old is going through a lot and it's not easy to know to support him.
Thank you so much for sharing the hope of healing 💜 at some level. I really look forward to the PD name being modified in the future dropping the word borderline. As you mentioned the word borderline comes with a strong social stigma.
I'm diagnosed with BPD but I never was promiscuous, used drugs or alcohol or engaged in risky behavior. I was so "good" and self controlled that I had a hard time making friends as a teenager because I acted like an adult and "didn't know how to have fun" even adults regularly commented on my maturity and trusted me to babysit their kids because I was more responsible and took better care of their kids than teen girls several years older than me. As an adult I am highly likely to see professional help but I prefer to suffer in silence, withdraw, and make myself small in order to not be a burden on others, the opposite of a drama queen. The only time I would act out is when I was pushed or challenged emotionally and couldn't handle what feels like an attack on me. Would you say I'm misdiagnosed or have a unique presentation or something else? If it matters I'm also diagnosed with depression and OCD. And i discovered that I have autistic traits but haven't been diagnosed.
I’ve stopped interacting with everyone. I just stay in day in and day out. It’s a different kind of hell, but I am no longer universally disliked or pitied. It is an awful and insidious diagnosis. I would far rather not live at all than spend the last 30 years trying to solve it, as I have.
hey Sam, just wanted to comment, thank you for your videos. I believe my fiance has BPD and your videos have been a great help in giving me hope for our future.
The hardest part of bpd for me now is the attachment issues and not being able to trust in romantic relationships so I avoid them now. Oh and the abandonment fears- leave before they leave
Professor, I am confused as to how the borderline can recover if she has a fragmented, “empty schizoid core.” As you mentioned in a different lecture, “you can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again,” so to speak - if the ego was fragmented in early childhood, it is no longer possible to birth a whole ego later in life. So when the borderline “recovers” either spontaneously or with the help of DBT therapy, does this mean that she actually successfully becomes a narcissist?
There are many therapies available that help with integrating your fragmented parts back . You were born with these parts but fragmented them out to survive childhood.i used EFT with matrix reimprinting. Get the book by Karl Dawson. I ended up training in it and helping a lot of borderlines like myself.
Have any studies been carried out on whether the hormonal changes at the onset of menses and perimenopause affect the rates of cessation of childhood BPD?
The disorder vs the behaviours. It’s the ongoing battle you have with a borderline. You can empathise with the disorder and the psychotic like symptoms, but the behaviours can be so disturbing and destructive that it’s often healthier for both to exit the relationship. I do find it fascinating to observe a borderline. They often can talk at great lengths about how they can accomplish life (such as a relationship). This is frequently met with great intellect, but that intellect never matches the execution. It’s often so utterly destructive that it leaves the borderlines closest connections disgusted, resentful and unforgiving. Might just be better to engage when they become 45.
My most recent ex seemed to be super aware of her disorder. She was very open about it from the beginning of the relationship. She would talk about her previous behaviors, about how she knew they were bad, but that she had grown up and didn't do those things anymore. She would tell me how she wanted a stable relationship and was done with the chaos and people being in an out of her life. At the time I had never heard of BPD, so to me this seemed like a well rounded, self aware person who was working to better themselves. The actual behaviors she engaged in were the exact opposite of what she was saying.
@@nameunknown7 it’s a shame that the awareness of the subject and the execution don’t align. Extremely frustrating with those that get closest as they will be forever let down.
@@smilersmiling You claim to have empathy, yet you still speak of borderlines as if they’re an animal in a zoo, and you still don’t understand why or can’t fathom where their behaviors come from. It comes from years of abuse and trauma. I wish you could feel it. But you do you. Get out there and find someone easier with whom you don’t ever have to expand the limits of your empathy.
@@kconrad5893 😂 err my observations on borderlines are not through a glass cage where we can feed the borderline den with never ending good deeds and compliments. That feels more like the statement made by the imaginary professional victim zoo! I agree that borderlines can come from years of abuse, but not all borderlines have been subject to abuse and in addition from years of abuse. There seems to be genetic deposition to borderline and environmental influence. So yes it becomes a trauma or a complex trauma. Behaviours do not excuse anything. This is why it’s important to separate the condition and the behaviours. Then the empathic people of society can support the borderlines on the road to recovery and the borderlines can learn far better and healthier coping mechanisms with multi year Bpd therapies! Get out there and become that new winning borderline!
I have a theory based on some biological responses to stress while my now ex was caretaking for me while I had stage 4 subungual melanoma. She suffered symptoms of cushing's disorder while having no exposure to pharm corticosteroids. If you read about that you'll find links to cortisol overproduction and burnout.
i wonder if the increased pain sensitivity and opiate use is because of the internal pain we feel...studies show that opiates do relieve emotional pain as well as physical pain.
Thank you very much for your informative videos. I am confused since you have other videos where you appear to shed a much more pessimistic light as to the recovery of this condition, where at the end the video you advise to « run away » , and where the worst thing would be to try and save them. As you may have guessed I am in the midst of a such relationship and the lifting of this confusion would have great significance for me. Thank you in advance.
If you are willing to wait until they are in their 40s, by all means, knock yourself out. Plus: even when they can no longer be diagnosed with BPD, the behaviors remain the same. Search the channel more thoroughly.
Due to growing up poor and therefore lack of emphasis on the importance of mental health treatment, as a 27 year old female I’ve not been to therapy (albeit a college program where students studying for their PhD “counsel” you; which they were not prepared for me), and I can’t self diagnose but at 23 I discovered borderline for the first time and it was the only thing that truly resonated. I find it interesting you mention osteoarthritis as a linked health issue among those with bpd. At 23-24 I randomly developed aggressive Reactive Arthritis, and it persisted for over half a year, was resistant to steroid treatment, and even after seeing a specialist (thanks to government healthcare programs) and no medical professionals were able to determine why this happened to me. It resolved itself at random overnight, and I’m left wondering why this happened. I now wonder if somehow the symptoms that to me present as BPD could somehow be associated with physical health problems, instead of being two separate unrelated issues.
Maybe the suicidation continues because the person feels like they have no one to blame but themselves for all their shortcomings and mishaps. Once the victim hood is fixed and accountability is learned all that’s left to blame our misfortunes on is ourselves.
Please don’t blame yourself for suicidal ideation. It’s a symptom of a mental health disorder. Seek therapy and be compassionate with the part of you who doesn’t want to exist anymore. ❤
Sam you truly amuse us with your humor, thank you! Would you be interested in making a video on how to get borderline after the discard? something along the lines that you made for the "narcissist, how to control them and live to tell".
Is it maybe because the sex drive lowers when ageing? Maybe thoughts of sexuality and self triggering reduces during the „changing years“(i don‘t know the english term). Interesting video as always Mr. Vaknin. I once dated a BPD woman over s short time, and even that short time hurt a lot and it took a lot of time to understand what had happened there. I felt insecure for a long time like was struck by an invisible truck. Thank god (as an atheist) it was just a short affair. But its 6 years now anf i still like to listen and find more information about this topic
I got diagnosed soo late at 21 I already had two children by then and dysfunctional the system failed me by diagnosing me soo late by then a lot of damage was done yea by 21 I had literally destroyed my life I’m now 34 and sooo calm it really does start diminishing with age however I’m tired of this illness and still extremely unhappy even on antidepressants I’m still unhappy internally and still don’t understand why I cannot fill this void inside of me.
Sam, I missed the chance to comment, but your lecture on auto-eroticism is brilliant. Thank you, thank you. You have helped understand so much from a disturbing 38 year relationship that is ongoing. Btw, I too enjoy the sound of your voice, Doc.
Perhaps the behaviors remain because the emptiness and boredom never go away. I’m 41 and the emptiness is worse then ever. Therapy helps to manage my behavior but the core issues remain.
@@sorenz08 perhaps you are right. I’m 42 now. The last year has been one of spiritual awakening. The boredom and emptiness is still here from time to time but a lot better. I’m not as emotional anymore and better able to handle it. It’s blown my mind actually. My intuition is growing and amazing things have been happening.
@@oWMatt years. Last year I hit a real low after all the trauma I’ve been through. I hit therapy hard and have gotten so much better in the last year since I posted this. But the empty remains. It’s just something I’m learning to live with now. The end result of the behavior I’ve historically used to combat the boredom and emptiness is not worth it. Everyone with bpd that is older I’ve spoken with says the same, those things never go away no matter how much work we do on ourselves. Some of these people are what modern mental health professionals would consider healed borderlines.
@@Adamrhll teens, 20s and 30s had the highest experience of hormones effecting BPD and the happy ever after fantasy (Cinderella princess style), the most fertile years for a woman diminishing after perhaps 42, perimenopausal years and after 50 a complete decline after menopause. There are many factors in our society that affect a growing girl and her misalignment from fairy stories to Hollywood. IMHO this is why BPD and NPD are so common in our society.
I know you probably get thousands of questions but I’m very curious about the impacts of BPD on the family, children, and work relationships/dynamics. Do you have any videos on these topics? Thank you so much for your work, and cheers to the journey of healing.
Thank you so much for providing so many detailed videos to help people. Do you have a video about repainting the self and rebuilding or starting to build the self? Me and my 2 siblings were abused physically for years and neglected. We “made it” as adults for awhile until health problems and abusive relationships collapsed us. We know we need to re-parent ourselves, but we don’t even know what a good parent does. I would appreciate it if you could share which therapies are useful for this, book resources and which playlist of yours might address this. Thank you
When you talk about spontaneous recovery for psychopaths, are you referring primarily to factor 2 psychopathy? Or does this apply to the factor 1 psychopathy as well?
Professor, can the false self be non violent towards the real self? Can it become good and actually heal the narcissist? Can the false self be changed to heal you and strengthen the real self?
Great video. As a mother of someone who I suspect to be a BpD I would like to request you to summarize in 2 sentences: what can I do to help my daughter heal faster?
I’m a borderline in her mid 40’s that exited a relationship with a NPD. Is it a sign of healing that my promiscuity and self harming behaviors ended after this relationship ? I’m not sure if I’m healing or am I having schizoid behaviors after the abuse.
Dr. Vaknin, I am having difficulty understanding. Does the age of 45 spontaneously and miraculously recovery apply to all BPD including (Covert BPD Men)?
@@eddie-q8jit's spiritual, God heals souls, try and seek him through the 12 steps program, I mean the God of the Bible, borderlines are servants of narcissists and psychopaths, borderlines have need of God and make good with good
First time commenting here, but I've been lurking. I was recently diagnosed BPD and have started DBT but have run into some difficulties. In the group I am in we have very bad attendance and a 3 client rule. So we have not been having group and I stopped learning, I have a bad relationship with my individual therapist due to my triggers and have regressed to not actively using mindfulness. I'm close to dropping out. What advice can any professionals give in regards to sticking it out? I am trying to switch groups and therapists but I don't have the skills yet to navigate all of this without getting so frustrated I engage in my target behaviors. (aggression and yelling mainly) I would love to hear what others think. DBT has helped and I really want to get better. Thanks!
Speaking solely from experience, as I am no expert in the field, all symptoms may improve as the years go by; especially the ones related to emotions (mood swings etc). But what about the shifting/unstable perception of self? I think bpds are doomed to always be in search of their true identity. I can be radically progressive one day and conservative the next day. I can be a career woman in January and a traditional mommy in February. Does this make sense in terms of fitting the bpd profile?
How can the “ borderline “ be gone with dialectical therapy and the behavior remain the same? Isn’t that what the goal of therapy is? to change the behavior?
Wondering if repeated secondary psychopathy experiences could create a sort of brain rewire or conditioning which makes a person w/BPD struggle to lose troubling behaviors/symptoms that persist after emotional regulation is achieved. Thx for the continued new thoughts.
Yes even if it’s not official wiring or whatever. But you’ll for the first time see yourself as you really are. Even if just a little bit. Good luck on your journey
Thank you for yet another great lecture professor! For the covert borderline as opposed to the classical (overt) borderline, does DBT and the therapies you discuss here offer positive results? If not, what therapies might prove useful/effective for the covert borderline? Could therapies for NPD, like your cold therapy, potentially be effective?
You cannot have BPD only in childhood and adolescence. It is a lifelong personality organization (though the diagnosis itself often remits after age 45).
Okay... So is there any possibility that a narc. Goes thtough mortification n realizes after loosing all supply and then turns into boderline and then he/she heals? Is there any possibility like that?!
Professor, is it possible that suicidal thoughts in 6 year old children are also a symptom of BPD? I wish there were more studies on suicidal ideation among children as young as six years old. I feel very alone in this. I am now an adult with symptoms of BPD. Thank you for your videos, very informative!
Prof. Sam Vaknin, thank You for sharing your knowledge with us, keep being precious. I have a question and I would love to know your opinion: Is there any effective treatment for someone with diagnosed comorbid borderline personality disorder and avoidant p.d.?
Has anyone heard of or has taken the Radically Open (RO) DBT course developed by Thomas Lynch? Is this like regular DBT that is beneficial for BPD? I’m about half way through the course and it sounds a lot like professor Vankin is suggesting as a method of treatment.
Can bpd get worse or better with age, and do they have to have all symptoms to be diagnosed with bpd, I feel like a have a lot of traits of bpd, I feel like I have gotten better with age and can control my anger more, I have anxiety and depression, mood swings and very emotional
What is borderline disorder? In simple words please. Why is it an illness and not a situation? I understand they feel things too strongly? Aren't they just weak people?
I always wonder if I’m a narcissist. I was diagnosed with BPD but what if I was just somehow manipulating or persuading my doctor or therapist. I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say. I’m always so scared that I’m so good that they’ll never spot me if I was a narcissist, so maybe they thought I had BPD? It sounds like a silly thing to say, but I’m like filling perfectionism right now wanting to know how will they know if I really am just BPD or if I’m really in PD😭
See ... no one taught them. It is just that no one taught them. You had to teach them because their parents did not give them any direction and if they did they only confused them ... and it probably was bad direction.
I see BPD and CPTSD (edit: specifically from childhood trauma) as a kind of acquired developmental disorder. It always seemed odd to me that BPD was classified as a personality disorder. I understand why it is, but it doesn't feel quite right.
@@samvaknin I am glad to have found your channel; thank you for the playlist recommendation. I think the ICD-11 is making a lot of sense in their new categorization method! Thank you so much for sharing your lectures with wide audiences.
So, I believe that I identify with BPD more than anything else. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, but it didn't totally fit. Listening to your description, I think BPD totally fits. I am awfully old (78) to be understanding finally, now, why my life has been so chaotic. But, here I am. I will just have to work on it and hope to have some remission before I croak. I am so grateful for your videos and so thankful you take the time to make them.
How are you doing today? You inspire me and I did lol at your comments 🤣
Keep smiling. It’s infectious.
Better late than never. You are a good person for even trying.
Yeah, your commet really make my day. You got 78. don't be akward. People like me will be glad to hear what your impression becouse the very fact you are here and listeing it's a stunning and almost heroic thing. As a previous comment told, but it's true: Keep smiling, it's infectious and it's true. Honored to see that someone it's in here trying to understand. Never to late, don't be akwarded. I'm with you morally, it's seriously a stunning comment about what you experienced. And remember this, If I can talk with Plato and we have wonderfull converstions and you are here this age things exist but until a limit. We are here now listeing those lecture in order to understad us better. So a super giant hug for you :D
I’m 43 and have always felt different everything the dr speaks about I have been threw, everything and I don’t think I would of ever known why had I not been looking at why my narcissistic ass man is so hurtful lol imagine my surprise to stumble upon this man and I realised I’m not crazy well at least crazy coo coo crazy lol but I do have some issues and so what I’ll manage at least now I understand and can maybe step in and calm myself and kno that I’m ok and I’m safe, that’s what I’m praying for anyway. Thank u doc for the info and thank u for the other woman we got this ladies
Thank you for writing this and for being here, I don’t know the details of your life but I come from a family with bpd and autistic women and I have had displayed borderline symptoms myself. It gives me such hope to see people from all walks of life trying to become better and healthier versions of ourselves. I’m truly inspired, please don’t forget It’s never too late♥️
I am a borderline, but I find myself evolving and becoming more and more disciplined about walking the right path and self accountability.
I now love myself for the man I am.
It’s been a hard fight and I’ve made so many wounds and burnt so many bridges. Now I inspire, lead, and coach people that the key to health is self discipline and the commitment to being healthy no matter how painful the journey is.
I have gone from hating everything about myself and everyone around me to absolutely loving life. I also stay in my own lane without trying to fill the emptiness inside, the void that she will fill one day.
I no longer behave like a child.
I have forgiven myself for the wild BPD behaviours of yesterday and will be the beautiful man that life wants me to be, for the help of others.
Oh wow this really makes so much sense to me!! I had a bad reputation as what i thought i was.. a "narcissist" in my teens and 20s. As a child/teenager/young adult I felt my life was being played out like a movie (not based in reality). I was in my own world.. literally. Now that i look back on my childhood/young adulthood I actually see it. My mother was a narcissist and my father was an enabler and they were both alcoholics. I always knew something was wrong with me but I never needed to put people down to feel better about myself or needed "narcissistic supply" (and i still don't need anyone to validate my existence), but i remember how absolutely unbearingly painful relationships were for me especially after they ended. I would cut myself and take drugs to ease my emotional pain. I cheated and experienced guilt and bad about it. I remember "hoovering" a few boyfriends as well. I made an a** of myself because of my emotional instability! I hurt a lot of people including myself. 😕 As i got older (i'm 38 now) my delusional thinking and emotional instability slowly faded almost like a vail was slowly being lifted. I think it has a lot to do with working on my self esteem and self discovery! Just growing up! Forcing maturity, educating myself and self awareness really helped as well. Experiencing real love from people who are not narcissistic or emotionally stunted. I am still a narcissist magnet though! It is so bizarre! We find each other not even realizing it! After a couple of narcissistic relationships i went into therapy thinking i was the narcissist after being told i was by my narcissists! Luckily for me i have Sam to educate me on narcissism so when they do come around again I can run the other way! 🏃♂️😊 Thank you Sir!
The cycle they are stuck in is tragic. Everyone deserves to feel love for their self, regardless of our imperfections. Thank you for elucidating this for us, Sam (and Minnie).
This reflects my experience. The decrease in symptoms over time but the continuation of suicidal ideation and suicidality, for me at least has been related to the causes of bpd. Child sexual abuse and emotional abuse is like a death of the soul, it makes me feel empty and hopeless to know that it happened and happens everyday. No matter how much treatment I’ve done or how much I succeed it doesn’t really touch the core sadness and hopelessness, the feeling that people close to you can hurt you so deeply.
Yes. That is so tough.
Woe be unto them who hurts others in any shape or form the WRATH of God is coming . Sorry for your pain 😔
The ultimate sadness and pain at the realisation that the people closest to you hurt you so deeply, yes I can relate. No amount of therapy can heal that...
Thank you for explaining it like this I cannot get over the things I went through in childhood no matter how hard I try it’s in my head sometimes I feel my only way out is death 😢
Dr. you make me want to go back to school, at age 53, to make this my life's mission. Indeed, you have given me so much hope in dealing with the woman I love so much. Thank you for making these videos.
The professors conclusion of what is needed by clinicians is spot on. I find myself 'recovering' and wishing i had a mom to just reteach me how to be a part of society, or how to properly relate to another human being. For the most part i avoid too much socializing now because being around others is exhausting. Im not sure of boundaries; when i am being abusive or when someone is being abusive towards me and how to stay in the middle. I am not sure sometimes if my insights or conversations are acceptable. I find it becomes almost like an obsession to be aware of my behavior towards others and that in itself seems like an unhealthy paranoia. So now i mostly just enjoy nature and animals (with whom i can connect and make friends with in ways that amaze most people). I try to be a good citizen and respond to peoples needs politely and try really hard to be a good friend. But many times i end up having to retreat and stay to myself for extended periods after getting to friendly with people.....i start getting to open and talkative and think evrryone is my friend.
I just cant anymore. 39 years of this...i have no energy left. Im ok being alone now. In fact, i prefer it. Perhaps this is how symptoms 'miraculously' subside. We just give up trying and resolve to our place in society...which is mostly out of it. It's better for everyone.
Birds are fascinating. Tree moss is soft. Playing in the dirt is rewarding, cows are surprisingly curious and yes...we become cat ladies because cats make sense and are clear with you about how they feel. Definitely our society as a whole is sick, passive aggressive, fake, selfish...and for some of us perhaps its just too much to try to relate and deny our trye selves to be 'ordered' instead of disordered
In the words of my husband (who is from a middle eastern country): "if they label you with having a problem for your personality, just look around, everyone else is crazy too. At least you have a good heart."
That was when i got off the meds and stopped going to mental hospitals....he brought some simple validation and clarity. 2022 couldnt be more validating than ever.
So in the end....i would love to have a mom to disciple me how to be more effective than others...because mostly i want to follow my faith as a Christian and love others.
But since its such a struggle and exhausting i fear and pray always to God that i dont love others enough. I guess i love from afar. I try to help anonymously or through others. These are things that would be helpful for clinicians to address...healthy boundaries, dealing with our own altruism, reading other peoples reactions, and how to function in society without (inadvertently) making yourself the center of attention
thanks for that ❤
I can completely relate to what you have just said. I also can't be around family that also exhibit cluster B traits that just ricochet off each other in various harmful ways.
Wow wow WOW. This was stunningly authentic
Exactly my thoughts, thank you so much for sharing. We’ve just been hard done by our childhood wounds through no fault our own. What has been helping me heal is through the childhood meditations in which I am reparenting my inner child and have been learning to accept my parents as wounded inner children too. They too were a victim of their own upbringing so there’s no blame just acceptance and self compassion.
I use to hit my head & pull out my hair, as young woman. The ultimate self harm was unintentionally maiming myself while in a rage, dealing with my narcissist partner. That incident was 2 years ago & am reminded constantly of my lack of self control. I have done so much self work (therapy) that I feel some progress has been made. I know I am a recovering codependent. I became a mother at age 22, & am 39 & getting a divorce from a covert NPD, who spends little time with his children.
I had a few big ACEs an adolescent, which really changed me.
It’s nice to know there’s hope. It’s still a painful path. The disregulation is often raw inside at times, & controlling it does seem to improve with knowledge & self awareness & work. Nature, gardening, & nurturing & good caring people are my metaphorical psychic balms. Awareness is definitely a key factor.
Went through same thing kids at 24 with a bipolar and narcissistical person. Very isolated. I don’t think all people who self harm are borderline but for a time I did self harm mostly due to toxicity around me. Now even if there’s toxicity around me I choose me. I think having boundaries really really helps.
We share a similar path at a similar age during a similar time in history. I have also found similar coping mechanisms and suggestions you offerd here have been the key to the postive changes in my life too. Lets continue on the course...as hard as it is many times, it still seems better than where we were and what could have (not) been.
Too much of my life feels stolen already...
As always, this is truly enlightening information from Sam V.
This video stands alone amongst the sea of BPD videos (good and bad) available on TH-cam. I say this because Sam shows there is hope, although limited, for people with BPD to recover and become functional.
I think we "miraculously" heal for the same reason that spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Jeff Foster, etc found Liberation... through unmitigated, unparalleled, indescribable abject SUFFERING. Suffering will lead you out of the delusion of a separate self, called "ego". It will crush your soul into a diamond. Borderlines should read A Course In Miracles while completing a course in DBT, and if you can afford it a good therapist that "gets" BPD and trauma. With time and love, the greatest glory of all is waiting for you.
Love your name! I just ordered the book per your suggestion. ❤
Are you speaking from personal experience? Did you make it all the way through the book and did it have the intended effect?
I know why they do not test as BPD later in life. Because ... as people get older they learn how to deal with life. I do not believe this has anything to do with a brain abnormality. Is it about parent neglect. It is about a parent not helping their child learn how to deal with frustration and anxiety. It is about parents who either neglect or ignore their child or maybe they do not have self control skills to share with their child. Maybe they are not home because of long hours at work ... or they have an illness and do not have they ability to teach their child how to handle their emotions. As they get older they learn how to control their behavior either from self help books or their peers or from therapy. They figure it all out, though. ... most of the time. They are afraid of abandonment... because as a child their parents either punished them with abandonment or ignoring them.
When I was 5 years old, my mother took me with her to the grocery store late at night one night. Because she called when it was time to leave and I did not notice because I was in the toy section, she went out and got in the car, when I finally noticed I ran around the store looking for her but could not find her so I started crying, the cashier told me she had already left without me, i ran out of the store and there was my car but as I ran to it my mom drove away. I ran after the tale lights down the dirt road behind the store that led to our house. She drove slow enough for me to follow her all of the way home, which was about an 8th of a mile. I have never gotten over that.
One other time, when I was in 3rd grade, I got in trouble ... she told me to go pack my suitcase, so I did. She sat it by the door. When it was bedtime she took me to the door opened the suitcase and dumped my stuff out and told me none of it was really mine because she had bout it all ... closed the suitcase, handed it to me opened the door, pushed me out on the step, looked down into my eyes, turned out the porch light and slammed the door. She did not let me back in for a long time. When she did open the door I got a spanking and sent to bed.
Also ... my mother told my father that if he wanted to kill himself she would get the gun for him ... if he was that stupid she would be glad so she could find a man who would be able to handle life. I was 5 years old when I heard her tell my dad that.
So ... it is not a brain abnormality that causes BPD ... it is parents who are over controlling or simply very unkind. I am 100% sure of this. Or ... they are enablers.
Those experiences are traumatic and trauma changes the brain. So it's not a matter of "either or" its a matter of cause and effect. I'm sorry you went through that. I hope you're doing well ❤️🩹
Thank you - your truth is our truth. I believe you. I, too, have memories that live in my head. The real me is safe bc of something like BPD. Very, very interesting!
I appreciate you sharing that here. Your mom truly did some despicable things to you. Made me feel queasy reading it. It sounds like you have come a long way in your understanding of yourself and in your healing journey. Congrats on that.
(I will also add as an aside that you are a very good writer.)
Modern society also normalises (and effectively promotes) BPD and NPD traits and behaviours. One has only to look at social media trends and it's effects on the ever younger with each passing year.
Maybe...the reason why they heal as time progressed is because they stop interacting with their dysfunctional and abusive parents? And maybe once their parents croaked, they can finally completely heal?
Or they separate from their narcissist and finally see themselves in a different light
Very good point re the parents!
I broke from my mother at 29 and was in a dissociated self state for 5 years but as I recovered, I was amazed by the improvement from previous cognitive dissonance. I wasn't just cured but experienced a significant improvement in identity cohesion with consistent improvement since then. the kind of people in my life determine a lot about my mental health.
you're right about parents, unfortunately
We don't heal aa we age we simply are pro at masking and we isolate
Truth.
I really like your voice too Sam because I know when you start speaking you speak truth. it is like there is no other way for you. so you are helping us - totally 👍
I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 15 and I can say with confidence my bpd began to burn out around 22 , thankfully
pls man i have BPD and i am realy suffering fromt this i am permanently angry and hateful, i am permanently in rage.
pls man i need some good advise
That phenomenon is why clinically diagnosing a minor with a personality disorder is not supported in professional best practices.
@@claudiojosepe8244DBT skills group and workbooks, TFE therapy, IFS therapy and EMDR
This information confirms the conclusion I came to on my own, that DBT is essentially a symptom management tool. It has allowed my ex to better manage her extreme affect disregulation, so she feels happier, calmer, and more stable. However, the behaviors, needs, demands, and relationship patterns still remain. She's not as emotionally volatile, but she is just as promiscuous, relying on a never ending cycle of casual sex with essential strangers to self medicate. She still has no stable sense of self. She still is reckless. But now she does all those things without splitting into a psychotic state, so that's a huge improvement. There needs to be an ongoing, long term form of therapy developed focused on retraining in areas of healthy relationship dynamics, recognizing and breaking damaging and dangerous habitual patterns, understanding and adhering to cultural and social norms, and general self growth and development. You're exactly right, DBT only focuses on the crisis elements of borderline. I've seen it firsthand.
Thank you for pointing out the equal numbers of male and female borderlines. 👏 I have known 4 diagnosable borderline men and 4-5 borderline women over the years. It certainly runs in families. I do think they are more common than the statistics show, however. A few of them were misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder and so the related treatments failed them. I think this is due to a lack of education and experience on the part of the therapists.
Love your videos.
That’s cause they don’t cling to people as much as they age. They become more self sufficient which in turn regulates their emotions better
It is part of the healing process, though.
@@samvaknin you’re my favorite TH-cam professor of the Crazy Underworld of Strange Humans!
Great video. Thank you. I hope that further generation will reach the help sooner. I was told about the diagnoze at the age of 37. Lots and lots of demage, lost friends, career impacts. I understand this a difficult topic. And therapists do not want to deal with that at all...
Well! My life path explained in 45 minutes. Getting sober helped a lot. I believe the behaviors remain from habit and are also somewhat iatrogenic , considering that people with bpd tend to present for a lot of unsuitable treatment that doesn’t address their long term needs. I think your idea of psychosocial training is good. This was very interesting, thank you.
Getting sober is the best thing any of us--borderline or not--can do to find peace and healing.
I was under the impression that the 'behaviors' like impulsivity and lash out anger etc. were a result of the dysregulation and mood lability. Or even fear of abandonment.
If the mood is stable, it would seem the behaviors would also decrease.
Thank you Sam , you are wonderful for posting this video
The pain is extremely difficult for parents of borderline.
I am very encouraged with what you have shared here.
My 20 year old is going through a lot and it's not easy to know to support him.
An agency called NEA BPD has a program called Family Connections that many find helpful. Best wishes to you.
Thank you so much for sharing the hope of healing 💜 at some level. I really look forward to the PD name being modified in the future dropping the word borderline. As you mentioned the word borderline comes with a strong social stigma.
I'm diagnosed with BPD but I never was promiscuous, used drugs or alcohol or engaged in risky behavior. I was so "good" and self controlled that I had a hard time making friends as a teenager because I acted like an adult and "didn't know how to have fun" even adults regularly commented on my maturity and trusted me to babysit their kids because I was more responsible and took better care of their kids than teen girls several years older than me. As an adult I am highly likely to see professional help but I prefer to suffer in silence, withdraw, and make myself small in order to not be a burden on others, the opposite of a drama queen. The only time I would act out is when I was pushed or challenged emotionally and couldn't handle what feels like an attack on me.
Would you say I'm misdiagnosed or have a unique presentation or something else? If it matters I'm also diagnosed with depression and OCD. And i discovered that I have autistic traits but haven't been diagnosed.
This does not sound like BPD at all.
@@samvaknin thank you
Sounds more like you're on the spectrum! Find someone who knows how to diagnose adult women. It changed my life for the better!
@@Shoonam do you mean autistic spectrum!
@@justjamie7577 Yes!
The change is coming for me, it's like I'm waking up in my coffin & exiting my funeral of the shared fantasies I've been playing the same part in.
I’ve stopped interacting with everyone. I just stay in day in and day out. It’s a different kind of hell, but I am no longer universally disliked or pitied. It is an awful and insidious diagnosis. I would far rather not live at all than spend the last 30 years trying to solve it, as I have.
hey Sam, just wanted to comment, thank you for your videos. I believe my fiance has BPD and your videos have been a great help in giving me hope for our future.
Wow wow I am amazed so many questions answered and self understanding God I pray I find the proper doors to open .
The hardest part of bpd for me now is the attachment issues and not being able to trust in romantic relationships so I avoid them now. Oh and the abandonment fears- leave before they leave
I wonder if the behaviors persist because of exposure to narcissists.
Professor, I am confused as to how the borderline can recover if she has a fragmented, “empty schizoid core.” As you mentioned in a different lecture, “you can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again,” so to speak - if the ego was fragmented in early childhood, it is no longer possible to birth a whole ego later in life. So when the borderline “recovers” either spontaneously or with the help of DBT therapy, does this mean that she actually successfully becomes a narcissist?
It means that she succeeds to self-regulate emotions (affects), moods, and impulses.
There are many therapies available that help with integrating your fragmented parts back . You were born with these parts but fragmented them out to survive childhood.i used EFT with matrix reimprinting. Get the book by Karl Dawson. I ended up training in it and helping a lot of borderlines like myself.
Have any studies been carried out on whether the hormonal changes at the onset of menses and perimenopause affect the rates of cessation of childhood BPD?
No.
The disorder vs the behaviours. It’s the ongoing battle you have with a borderline. You can empathise with the disorder and the psychotic like symptoms, but the behaviours can be so disturbing and destructive that it’s often healthier for both to exit the relationship.
I do find it fascinating to observe a borderline. They often can talk at great lengths about how they can accomplish life (such as a relationship). This is frequently met with great intellect, but that intellect never matches the execution. It’s often so utterly destructive that it leaves the borderlines closest connections disgusted, resentful and unforgiving.
Might just be better to engage when they become 45.
My most recent ex seemed to be super aware of her disorder. She was very open about it from the beginning of the relationship. She would talk about her previous behaviors, about how she knew they were bad, but that she had grown up and didn't do those things anymore. She would tell me how she wanted a stable relationship and was done with the chaos and people being in an out of her life. At the time I had never heard of BPD, so to me this seemed like a well rounded, self aware person who was working to better themselves.
The actual behaviors she engaged in were the exact opposite of what she was saying.
@@nameunknown7 it’s a shame that the awareness of the subject and the execution don’t align. Extremely frustrating with those that get closest as they will be forever let down.
@@smilersmiling You claim to have empathy, yet you still speak of borderlines as if they’re an animal in a zoo, and you still don’t understand why or can’t fathom where their behaviors come from. It comes from years of abuse and trauma. I wish you could feel it. But you do you. Get out there and find someone easier with whom you don’t ever have to expand the limits of your empathy.
@@kconrad5893 😂 err my observations on borderlines are not through a glass cage where we can feed the borderline den with never ending good deeds and compliments. That feels more like the statement made by the imaginary professional victim zoo!
I agree that borderlines can come from years of abuse, but not all borderlines have been subject to abuse and in addition from years of abuse. There seems to be genetic deposition to borderline and environmental influence. So yes it becomes a trauma or a complex trauma.
Behaviours do not excuse anything. This is why it’s important to separate the condition and the behaviours. Then the empathic people of society can support the borderlines on the road to recovery and the borderlines can learn far better and healthier coping mechanisms with multi year Bpd therapies! Get out there and become that new winning borderline!
@@kconrad5893 Spot on! Thank you for saying it.
I wonder the correlation between BPD and thyroid pathologies.
I have a theory based on some biological responses to stress while my now ex was caretaking for me while I had stage 4 subungual melanoma. She suffered symptoms of cushing's disorder while having no exposure to pharm corticosteroids. If you read about that you'll find links to cortisol overproduction and burnout.
Why do some people believe that Borderline is a misnomer and in fact borderlines are narcissists??
You are charitable. Try 99.99%.
Many thanks for your videos. Awesome, as usual !
It is caused from childhood trauma.
I agree!! There needs to be ongoing recovery after dbt. There is no appropriate ongoing support afterwards
Does this mean that a borderliner actually recovers the true self with time?! Becoming ”whole”? This is nothing short of a miracle.
With work . Good info. Support..no gas lighting, yes
i wonder if the increased pain sensitivity and opiate use is because of the internal pain we feel...studies show that opiates do relieve emotional pain as well as physical pain.
I would love more info on bpd in men differentiated with covert narcissism
Thank you very much for your informative videos. I am confused since you have other videos where you appear to shed a much more pessimistic light as to the recovery of this condition, where at the end the video you advise to « run away » , and where the worst thing would be to try and save them. As you may have guessed I am in the midst of a such relationship and the lifting of this confusion would have great significance for me. Thank you in advance.
If you are willing to wait until they are in their 40s, by all means, knock yourself out. Plus: even when they can no longer be diagnosed with BPD, the behaviors remain the same. Search the channel more thoroughly.
Thank you, Mr Vaknin, for the quick reply. I will do so.
Due to growing up poor and therefore lack of emphasis on the importance of mental health treatment, as a 27 year old female I’ve not been to therapy (albeit a college program where students studying for their PhD “counsel” you; which they were not prepared for me), and I can’t self diagnose but at 23 I discovered borderline for the first time and it was the only thing that truly resonated. I find it interesting you mention osteoarthritis as a linked health issue among those with bpd. At 23-24 I randomly developed aggressive Reactive Arthritis, and it persisted for over half a year, was resistant to steroid treatment, and even after seeing a specialist (thanks to government healthcare programs) and no medical professionals were able to determine why this happened to me. It resolved itself at random overnight, and I’m left wondering why this happened. I now wonder if somehow the symptoms that to me present as BPD could somehow be associated with physical health problems, instead of being two separate unrelated issues.
I think that for bpd patients after all the harm they do to others,remission does more harm than good.
Maybe the suicidation continues because the person feels like they have no one to blame but themselves for all their shortcomings and mishaps. Once the victim hood is fixed and accountability is learned all that’s left to blame our misfortunes on is ourselves.
Please don’t blame yourself for suicidal ideation. It’s a symptom of a mental health disorder. Seek therapy and be compassionate with the part of you who doesn’t want to exist anymore. ❤
I bring you the good news - most patients with BPD improve with time ❤
Sam you truly amuse us with your humor, thank you!
Would you be interested in making a video on how to get borderline after the discard? something along the lines that you made for the "narcissist, how to control them and live to tell".
Hi Prof. Sam, why are they less functional, even after remission?
I guess we finally grow up.
Is it maybe because the sex drive lowers when ageing? Maybe thoughts of sexuality and self triggering reduces during the „changing years“(i don‘t know the english term). Interesting video as always Mr. Vaknin. I once dated a BPD woman over s short time, and even that short time hurt a lot and it took a lot of time to understand what had happened there. I felt insecure for a long time like was struck by an invisible truck. Thank god (as an atheist) it was just a short affair. But its 6 years now anf i still like to listen and find more information about this topic
I got diagnosed soo late at 21 I already had two children by then and dysfunctional the system failed me by diagnosing me soo late by then a lot of damage was done yea by 21 I had literally destroyed my life I’m now 34 and sooo calm it really does start diminishing with age however I’m tired of this illness and still extremely unhappy even on antidepressants I’m still unhappy internally and still don’t understand why I cannot fill this void inside of me.
Sam, I missed the chance to comment, but your lecture on auto-eroticism is brilliant. Thank you, thank you. You have helped understand so much from a disturbing 38 year relationship that is ongoing. Btw, I too enjoy the sound of your voice, Doc.
Thank Jesus for DBT!
Perhaps the behaviors remain because the emptiness and boredom never go away. I’m 41 and the emptiness is worse then ever. Therapy helps to manage my behavior but the core issues remain.
42-49 is a 7-year period where the Higher Self is awakening. Maybe the reason for Miraculous Healing, There is still hope.
@@sorenz08 perhaps you are right. I’m 42 now. The last year has been one of spiritual awakening. The boredom and emptiness is still here from time to time but a lot better. I’m not as emotional anymore and better able to handle it. It’s blown my mind actually. My intuition is growing and amazing things have been happening.
@@sorenz08 I had a huge awakening at age 42 :)
How long have you been in therapy?
@@oWMatt years. Last year I hit a real low after all the trauma I’ve been through. I hit therapy hard and have gotten so much better in the last year since I posted this. But the empty remains. It’s just something I’m learning to live with now. The end result of the behavior I’ve historically used to combat the boredom and emptiness is not worth it. Everyone with bpd that is older I’ve spoken with says the same, those things never go away no matter how much work we do on ourselves. Some of these people are what modern mental health professionals would consider healed borderlines.
How someone that keeps destructive behaviors like impulsivity or suicidal thinking can remit?
Imho yes it's hormones that brought on my BPD young and getting older diminished the BPD symptoms.
when exactly bpd disappeared?
@@Adamrhll teens, 20s and 30s had the highest experience of hormones effecting BPD and the happy ever after fantasy (Cinderella princess style), the most fertile years for a woman diminishing after perhaps 42, perimenopausal years and after 50 a complete decline after menopause. There are many factors in our society that affect a growing girl and her misalignment from fairy stories to Hollywood. IMHO this is why BPD and NPD are so common in our society.
I know you probably get thousands of questions but I’m very curious about the impacts of BPD on the family, children, and work relationships/dynamics. Do you have any videos on these topics? Thank you so much for your work, and cheers to the journey of healing.
Thank you so much for providing so many detailed videos to help people. Do you have a video about repainting the self and rebuilding or starting to build the self? Me and my 2 siblings were abused physically for years and neglected. We “made it” as adults for awhile until health problems and abusive relationships collapsed us. We know we need to re-parent ourselves, but we don’t even know what a good parent does. I would appreciate it if you could share which therapies are useful for this, book resources and which playlist of yours might address this. Thank you
Watch the NA Healing and the Life’s Wisdom playlists.
When you talk about spontaneous recovery for psychopaths, are you referring primarily to factor 2 psychopathy? Or does this apply to the factor 1 psychopathy as well?
F1 psychopathy, mostly.
What is the poem? On loving someone with BPD and it being an excruciating descent into hell? Would love to hear it.
instagram.com/p/CNmgeUODoso/
Professor, can the false self be non violent towards the real self?
Can it become good and actually heal the narcissist?
Can the false self be changed to heal you and strengthen the real self?
No. samvak.tripod.com/faq48.html (the term is "true self", not "real self").
@@samvaknin thanks professor, I’ll keep that in mind.
Great video. As a mother of someone who I suspect to be a BpD I would like to request you to summarize in 2 sentences: what can I do to help my daughter heal faster?
Search the therapies playlist and the BPD playlist. The From Child to Narcissist playlist has videos about mothering.
I just tell my borderline female friends that I understand why they so bitter and then I hug the bpd straight up out of them.
@@mcmjclemence738 love helps bpd.
Oh my what a hero 👏
Me too. Then it hops into me!
I’m a borderline in her mid 40’s that exited a relationship with a NPD. Is it a sign of healing that my promiscuity and self harming behaviors ended after this relationship ? I’m not sure if I’m healing or am I having schizoid behaviors after the abuse.
Such a sad, strange thing.
You really would do anything to help them until you remember how they shat on you the last 4 times you tried to help.
real
Dr. Vaknin, I am having difficulty understanding. Does the age of 45 spontaneously and miraculously recovery apply to all BPD including (Covert BPD Men)?
No. Only to classical borderlines.
I believe that I may have covert bpd, how do I heal? I've been in the healing process for years and continuing to get professional support.
@@eddie-q8jit's spiritual, God heals souls, try and seek him through the 12 steps program, I mean the God of the Bible, borderlines are servants of narcissists and psychopaths, borderlines have need of God and make good with good
I'm healing thanks to Jung.
First time commenting here, but I've been lurking. I was recently diagnosed BPD and have started DBT but have run into some difficulties. In the group I am in we have very bad attendance and a 3 client rule. So we have not been having group and I stopped learning, I have a bad relationship with my individual therapist due to my triggers and have regressed to not actively using mindfulness. I'm close to dropping out. What advice can any professionals give in regards to sticking it out? I am trying to switch groups and therapists but I don't have the skills yet to navigate all of this without getting so frustrated I engage in my target behaviors. (aggression and yelling mainly) I would love to hear what others think. DBT has helped and I really want to get better. Thanks!
Speaking solely from experience, as I am no expert in the field, all symptoms may improve as the years go by; especially the ones related to emotions (mood swings etc). But what about the shifting/unstable perception of self? I think bpds are doomed to always be in search of their true identity. I can be radically progressive one day and conservative the next day. I can be a career woman in January and a traditional mommy in February.
Does this make sense in terms of fitting the bpd profile?
How can the “ borderline “ be gone with dialectical therapy and the behavior remain the same? Isn’t that what the goal of therapy is? to change the behavior?
Interesting. I was diagnosed at 14 and I always thought it was too young. Now, in my 30s, I only have some traits but don’t meet a full diagnosis.
Wondering if repeated secondary psychopathy experiences could create a sort of brain rewire or conditioning which makes a person w/BPD struggle to lose troubling behaviors/symptoms that persist after emotional regulation is achieved. Thx for the continued new thoughts.
Yes even if it’s not official wiring or whatever. But you’ll for the first time see yourself as you really are. Even if just a little bit.
Good luck on your journey
Profesor in your opinion, this could also apply to your proposed covert borderline diagnosis?
No.
Is there any chance for covert borderline to heal?
Thank you for yet another great lecture professor! For the covert borderline as opposed to the classical (overt) borderline, does DBT and the therapies you discuss here offer positive results? If not, what therapies might prove useful/effective for the covert borderline? Could therapies for NPD, like your cold therapy, potentially be effective?
DBT is less effective with covert borderlines owing to their grandiosity. Cold Therapy is counterindicated in all types of Borderlines.
@@samvaknin Thank you for the response!
Thank You 🌟
🤯🤯🤯🤯 Professor Vaknin, i have stumbled upon gold. do you think a narcissist can trigger bpd onset for someone who had it in childhood and adolescence?
You cannot have BPD only in childhood and adolescence. It is a lifelong personality organization (though the diagnosis itself often remits after age 45).
Coping strategies they are not going to give them up in case they need it again.
Thank you for this video. I wonder how they treat the need to do an impulsive act in order to reduce the distress in BPD.
Okay... So is there any possibility that a narc. Goes thtough mortification n realizes after loosing all supply and then turns into boderline and then he/she heals? Is there any possibility like that?!
No.
Professor, is it possible that suicidal thoughts in 6 year old children are also a symptom of BPD?
I wish there were more studies on suicidal ideation among children as young as six years old. I feel very alone in this. I am now an adult with symptoms of BPD.
Thank you for your videos, very informative!
It is a sign of clinical depression (MDD) which MAY lead to BPD, starting in early adolescence.
Nice to hear there’s some hope 😅
Prof. Sam Vaknin, thank You for sharing your knowledge with us, keep being precious. I have a question and I would love to know your opinion: Is there any effective treatment for someone with diagnosed comorbid borderline personality disorder and avoidant p.d.?
DBT works on more than BPD. DBT changed my life.
Has anyone heard of or has taken the Radically Open (RO) DBT course developed by Thomas Lynch? Is this like regular DBT that is beneficial for BPD? I’m about half way through the course and it sounds a lot like professor Vankin is suggesting as a method of treatment.
Very good. Thank you.
Can bpd get worse or better with age, and do they have to have all symptoms to be diagnosed with bpd, I feel like a have a lot of traits of bpd, I feel like I have gotten better with age and can control my anger more, I have anxiety and depression, mood swings and very emotional
Listen to the video! The answers are here.
Have you heard of IFS therapy?
Search the channel for IFS.
What is borderline disorder?
In simple words please.
Why is it an illness and not a situation?
I understand they feel things too strongly? Aren't they just weak people?
Watch the BPD playlist.
is this miraculous healing linked to the death of the mother ?
No.
How about shizoid personality disorder? Is there any chance to heal it?
Search the comorbidities playlist.
I always wonder if I’m a narcissist. I was diagnosed with BPD but what if I was just somehow manipulating or persuading my doctor or therapist. I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say. I’m always so scared that I’m so good that they’ll never spot me if I was a narcissist, so maybe they thought I had BPD? It sounds like a silly thing to say, but I’m like filling perfectionism right now wanting to know how will they know if I really am just BPD or if I’m really in PD😭
Watch the comorbidities playlist.
See ... no one taught them. It is just that no one taught them. You had to teach them because their parents did not give them any direction and if they did they only confused them ... and it probably was bad direction.
I want to see the study on normal people.
I see BPD and CPTSD (edit: specifically from childhood trauma) as a kind of acquired developmental disorder.
It always seemed odd to me that BPD was classified as a personality disorder. I understand why it is, but it doesn't feel quite right.
Search the comorbidities playlist.
@@samvaknin I am glad to have found your channel; thank you for the playlist recommendation. I think the ICD-11 is making a lot of sense in their new categorization method!
Thank you so much for sharing your lectures with wide audiences.
Do you think Megan Markle is a narcissist?
I don't know. Didn't study her enough. But she strikes me as one.
Thank you!