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my reading phobia. opening up about my fear of reading
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
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WHO AM I?
Hey there, I’m Cinzia DuBois. I’m a part-time, self-funded PhD student and TH-camr, Podcaster and writer. I’ve been creating videos for over thirteen years. On this channel, I talk about dark and ancient history, literature and folklore. I discuss productivity, personal development, PhD, academia, and mental well-being on my second channel.
❗️DISCLAIMER
I am just a random student on the internet who loves reading, especially about ancient history and classics. My videos aim to make classics and ancient history interesting and accessible to everyone. I am not a professional or qualified educator, “expert”, historian or classicist. However, I ensure that all the information I use in my video scripts has been collated from numerous credible sources. Additionally, I am dyslexic, and I will mispronounce words. This does not stem from willful ignorance, and I try to research how to pronounce words before filming, but I often misread my phonetic spelling. In light of this, please do not rely on my video for an authoritative or reliable source of how to pronounce certain words.
Chapters:
0:00 Introduction
"Books save lives, so keep reading." Hits a lot deeper now. Congratulations, you're a marvel.
This has really surprised me. You are by far the most intelligent person I watch on TH-cam I cannot understand why anyone would mock you or look down on you. I'm a working class girl who was told by multiple people I should of been born blonde and I did terribly in school but my passion is really with reading, writing and academia. To hear how hard you worked with an undiagnosed learning difficulty makes me realise you're actually far more intelligent than I thought and it also gives me some hope that maybe one day I can do my masters. If I was you I would be perpetually smug with what I've accomplished! You are a powerhouse, all you have to do is realise this. Thank you for your incredible content you can tell how much work and time you put into it, there really is no other channel like yours.
Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment x
I second all of this!
Totally agree👍
Agree. And @buymeawhiskey5905, you go! Read, write and academe to your heart's content! Rooting for you to get your master's.
Hell yes!
You are enough. You are the Lady of the Library damn it.
And a great story teller, too! :)
Yes 💙
Yesss❤❤❤
*Here's to Cinzia's determination and being a wonderful channel*
Here! Here!
Your experience of abuse as a dyslexic person is similar to my own experience as an ADHD/Autistic person. I have some idea of what you're going through and I 100% support you. Good luck with your therapy and healing.
I had a similar thought, we are so abused as undiagnosed children. I deeply grieved the childhood I could have had for months after my diagnosis. I was 34 at the time and when I told my mom, she replied with "ADHD isn't real". I have since gone NC.
I used to read like crazy, but i just cannot pick a book up like i used to. I recently started with audiobooks and it seems to be working but i miss reading. Im gunna be honest see this video this morning has given me some hope that im not losing my mind. Thank you for talking about this, i knew i was afraid of reading but i thought it had to do with not wanting something to end. Thank you so much.
I had the same problem and I couldnt understand why but then it turned out i have adhd and that its really common that people with adhd read a lot when younger but not when they are adults and I just couldnt get myself to concentrate, even tho I really wanted to read but i never got far, but after knowing why it happened, and I watched a ton of videos on books, i started reading again with really easy to read YA and now ive been reading a lot the past few months and im so happy abodut it! it might just be a hyperfixation atm, but I'm just going with it
Give yourself time, i stopped reading for years thanks t odepression, adhd and burnout. There will be a time and a book that will bring you back to it.
For me it helped to spend time in librarys and bookshops, browsing books, reading their back, just getting involved with them again
@@nodoubtmisa this resonates so much. “Reader” was a core part of my personality as a child and teen and now I find it so hard to concentrate and finish a book. I’ve long suspected I have adhd and my goal for 2024 is to finally shift my backside to get a formal assessment.
@thistley_42 good luck with that, it can be quite the journey but it's worth it in the end to understand yourself better ❤️
I was making all kinds of excuses for not reading and then I discovered I'm simply very lazy
That was GUTTING. As a lifelong reader, who has also struggled with anxiety and panic disorder, this sounds like my worst nightmare. I can’t imagine what this must be like. You’re very brave to talk about it. Cheers!
I'm glad to hear you've been finding your way back to something you clearly love so much. Thank you for all your work and dedication to knowledge and culture, and thank you so much for being so brave and open about this. Books not only save lives, books are the path to a better future. We should all aim to be more like books, without judgment, without bias, and ready to comfort those in need.
Take care, Cinzia, and thank you again.
Thank you so much!
Books do save lives. I'm so glad you had books during those difficult times in your life. 📚❤️
I’m sorry to hear all this, people can be so horrible.
I’m glad you’re coming to know yourself better. I have an acquired brain injury so I relate to some of your experiences, I used to write all the time but now my brain just won’t do the thing.. it properly sucks when something you love also causes you difficulty and discomfort.
Sending you so much love x
Cinzia, as someone with ADHD, thank you for sharing your story. I actually went through a very similar hell. People made fun of me for not being able to read, and would get upset/make fun of me for not being able to read. I'm only a few years older than you, but I stopped reading for a while after college. It took me years to get back into it. In the end, it was Goodreads challenge that helped me remember that I loved reading. I don't know if I would recommend that for you, but just know, you're not alone. I've even been fighting an art slump since 2018 and I'm only just starting to heal from that and remembering why I love drawing. It takes time, but you can heal. I wish you the best in your journey.
Thank you so much. I'm dyslexic and desperately want to be an academic. I am halfway through my bachelor's degree at 18. All of my teachers have always told me I can't do it and I should stop. Thank you for showing me that my dyslexia does not mean I can't get my degree. I'm so proud if you.
Go for it. You CAN do it.
Please get in touch with your SEN/student services dept for support and accommodations. I used to mentor students with dyslexia, autism and Adhd in a college and I loved it. You don't lack intelligence (you may well be above average intelligence) but you might benefit from a few accommodations and some support. There's loads of great things out there to make learning accessible to different types of brains. Our college had an excellent dyslexia specialist tutor. I wish you lots of success, you can do it!
Doooo eet! ❤
Our Lady has returned!
So many literature essays and book discussion videos to come in 2024 and beyond
Yay! 🥰@@CinziaDuBois
Thank You for beeing open and vulnerable about Your mental health! I do sincerely appreciate it! Only those who are vulnerable become strong!❤️🎄❤️ You,’re a hero!❤
I understand what you're going through. Mine had the politeness to wait after my studies, I was not able to read in any capacity "clever" books from 2016 to actually last month, after years of work on me, and getting me out of the darkest places.
I was still able to read romance and the like, I would say I was even binging them to numb me to life, it took me also years so stopping using reading romance as a dissociative tool.
I wish that you will get through it soon darling, and all the surrounding issues associated with it. I could feel through the screen how much it affects you. I hope you're getting the hugs and hot chocolates you deserve, sending you virtual love and hugs
I to have a fear of reading, as I have worked hard to over come it. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you.
I understand , I also use to read everything I could get my hands on. I still love buying, looking and watching others review books but I just can't read them. I couldn't figure out why. "Books do save lives, so keep reading". You have given me hope that I'm not crazy. At least mine had the courtesy to wait till I was in my 40s but got worse as I got older. I stopped reading completely 2019ish, an haven't read any books. Cinzia you are an awesome, intelligent and brave human being. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different.
Have you tried to read books in simple language? I know at least in germany there are normal books published in simpler words for people struggling to read, no matter if its due to dyslexia or because theire not fluent in german or whatever.
The sheer amount of people who seem intent on putting others down instead of lifting them up - it’ll never cease to amaze me. I just don’t see the point, there’s plenty of space for all of us. Happy you got back into reading because otherwise this channel wouldn’t have existed, and I’ve been really enjoying the stuff you put out! Please keep reading!
It is unbelievable how much reading SPEED is held up as an indication of intelligence or diligence. I read very slowly and was always embarrassed by how much longer it took me to get through things than my classmates; I screwed up a lot of things rushing through them so I looked "smarter". For years I hated having to admit that I wasn't plowing through books at a rapid rate, so I just didn't read any at all.
I didn't end up making it in academia and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD long after i crashed out of my post-grad program. The fact that you DID make it despite infinitely more challenges is absolutely amazing.
I just want to hug you and tell you that you are good enough, a wonderful and beautiful person.
Very interesting, and very relatable. For most of my life I was an avid reader, both academically and for pleasure. I could get through a typical paperback in an afternoon, and often demolished quite substantial books in one or two sessions.
Several years ago I had a very nasty stroke. A right embuggerance it has proved to be, but gradually I became, like the vampire Lestat, something of my old self again. I learned to walk, albeit with a stick, and can care for myself and live independently. But it also seemed to have interesting neurological effects. Friends tell me my personality changed, oddly enough, for the better! I am apparently much kinder, less critical and more empathic. But it also affected my reading. I simply could not concentrate, immersing myself in a book, as I once did so regularly. Reading became a chore rather than a pleasure, and a chore I could not sustain fir more than a few minutes at s time. The phrase you employed, what was it, ‘resentful disinterest’? Very apt, that’s precisely what I felt, not merely with heavy academic tomes, but with authors I used to turn to for light relief, such as Terry Pratchett or Robert Rankin.
This was quite distressing; like you I felt part of me was missing. It was also a real handicap, for I had just discovered a new passion. The stroke had more or less put paid to my career as a lecturer. As part of my rehab, I was encouraged to seek voluntary work, and long story short. I ended up working for the Portable Antiquities Scheme and, basically, fell in love with Archaeology. I applied for and was accepted onto a degree course with Oxford University Continuing Education, and although it felt odd to be an undergraduate again at my age, I was very happy, except, of course, I now need to read in earnest. I have found it very challenging. I procrastinate, find excuses, I organise all the book I need and sit surrounded by them as if I can absorb knowledge by some kind of osmosis! I trawl through SOLO and the Bodleian and download papers by the dozen and stare at the title pages fir hours.
I’m managing, but what used to a natural act, simply part of who I was, is now a demanding and exhausting task which really takes its toll on me.
So, I very much empathise with your story. Thank you for sharing and please continue with your content, which I greatly admire.
Thank you for sharing your story too; congratulations on how far you've come
It's nice to know I am not the only dyslexic person who developed a fear of reading. I'm scared to pursue a doctorate for this reason. I also struggle with forms for some reason. Anyway, thank you for so much for being open about your struggles, it means the world.
Sending encouragement and support.
I struggle with forms too, you’re def not alone in that struggle!
Thank you for this. As someone who was only diagnosed as dyslexic when i went back to college as a mature student, so much of your own school experience rang true of my own too.
First and foremost, I'm so sorry to hear all the huge extent of troubles and traumas you've been through. I don't want to take away from everything you've survived, but your story sounds very similar to mine. I understand everything you've talked about in this video, and I hear you and support you, and even though we've never met, I want you to know that you have a friend in me. Secondly, I want to thank you for being so raw and open with your story. I thought I was alone in my similar struggles. And although I wouldn't wish anyone to go through this, it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
Keep fighting 💪 you're a survivor!🤍
Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment. It makes me feel less alone too x
This is so close to my heart, as someone with undiagnosed ADHD until a few months ago, I felt all of this feelings. Knowing that I'm a teacher and in academia in that way now seems unbelievable.
You're truly one of the most intelligent and powerful people I watch on YT and I hate that you had to go through all of this to find out.
I hope that you see the amazing bright future all of us see for you, because you deserve it and you're truly an inspiration for other people like me with something a little different in our brains. The academic world is really not made for people like us, but we persevered and I think that's what's important.
For all my neurospicy people, we can do this.
Sorry if there're mistakes, English is not my first language
This video feels like a deeply raw love letter to books and reading, and the reader in you. I'm not dyslexic (I have dyslexic family members), but I was diagnosed with ADHD only after I finished my PhD (and that came with severe anxiety, severe depression, etc.). I can definitely relate to having to read pages over and over and over again, feeling like I couldn't retain anything sometimes. Being "the smart one" but frequently feeling like an imposter. Getting a PhD really killed my love of reading, because although I loved the topic of my PhD work, and still do, the amount of reading for my dissertation was so overwhelming, and there was no space for personal reading in all of it. This seemed fine at the time, because again, I liked the subject and chose it for a reason. But at the end of it all, once I had my degree, I found that I couldn't just read for fun anymore. I've tried to get back into it, but it's so, so difficult. As a professor and professional academic now, reading just feels like work. It kills me, because I used to be a voracious pleasure reader. I keep having faith that I will get that back, and I do keep trying. But I read so quickly and efficiently now that it's difficult to have the patience to just sink into a book and enjoy a slow read like I used to in the Before Times. I think part of it is just the grind of being an early career academic, and needing entertainment that requires very little brain power. Still, I trust that one day, if I keep working at it, I'll get it back.
All of this is to say, so much of your journey is so familiar to me. I'm glad you're sharing it with others and letting people know they aren't alone. So from one scholar to another, I see you, and I support you, and I hope you always find and receive the support you need.
SUCH a poignant video-my 💛 goes out to you Cinzia and I’m rooting for you; even though it’s a part of of how we navigate the world we are so much more than the abuse we’ve suffered and the taunts we’ve endured
I’m in much admiration of your bravery, vulnerability, and tenacity 📚
Books are still here for you!
Cinzia, I just wanted to leave you a message letting you know that the first time I watched one of your videos, I genuinely thought you were one of the most intelligent people I'd ever heard. Intelligent, yet welcoming; In academia, that's not common (and why I ultimately stepped away and went into teaching) and it's commendable.
To be upset enough about pronunciation to let it overshadow the ease with which you explain detailed and interesting topics is the commenter's issue, and I hope they deal with that. Don't let it detract from how much the rest of your viewers appreciate you! Once, at the end of a 10 minute presentation I'd given without a script in my Masters, a person raised their hand to add nothing other than correcting my pronunciation of a Polish word (I'm Canadian). It blew my mind that these people exist. I'm so sorry it's affected you, especially considering your diagnosis. All we can do is laugh and hope they will one day learn to be more kind.
But mostly, I think it's important to remember that 'intelligence' is not 'goodness' - you are much more than the number of books you've read or publications with your name on them.
Thank you for the knowledge you share with the world! I wish you all the best with your future reading
You’re brilliant. This video just demonstrates the devastating result of trauma. That it can rob you of the pleasures in life that are essentially part of your identity. Thank you
This is heartbreaking. I don’t really know what to say. I wish you nothing but the best.
Your amazing. I also have dyslexia and I also have so much anxiety about reading but you inspire me and I love how honest you are about your story. Your wonderful
Thank you for sharing darling, you are helping so many. I used to be so glued to my books and now I dream about how lovely it would be to read them while staring at them. Sometimes carrying them around but never opening them. There is something in the chasm. This video made me want to look more closely to see what that something is that is keeping me away from the most loving hobby in my life... my beloved books 📚 ❤❤
I know using / viewing our cellphones looking at the apps and the content on them is a huge distraction for many of us who used to read more. I also feel technology is isolating us not to mention there are many other social problems arising from the internet & AI. Please leave a like & reply on this comment if you can relate to these concerns about technology. ✌️❤️
I have been working through my own trauma around writing actually.. glad to know this type of trauma around reading and writing isn't just me.. sending you all the love in the world.. ❤❤
same omg 😳 I edit and proofread for people. I want to write my own books but I have trauma associated with it. Sending love to you…and to Cinzia! ❤️
I'm so glad that you have peers who care about you and offer support with things like proof reading. That is incredibly sweet. :)
All love and respect to you...please continue to kindle your spirit the world needs your light... I need your light
All the best to you!
Let's get better together. I'll be documenting a lot about literature, reading and books in the new year, and I hope they may help you with your journey too
So much love to you. When my husband was dying, I spent days at his bedside reading. Reading has always been a coping mechanism for me. After he died, I struggled with reading due to guilt. I hope you get the assistance you need.
OMG. I felt every word of that. You've been a bit of a savior yourself. I have Depression and in the last three years, I've lost my ability to write. It felt like every friend in my head had turned their backs on me. It hurts so bad. It's started to come back. Like you, I needed help with my depression. I'm still struggling. But I'm currently working on TWO books, a kids' book, and one for the furry community. I don't have to make money on it. I don't have to win awards or get on any best seller list. I just have to turn back to it. You hang in there. You are NOT stupid. You are a wonderful light in the cesspool darkness of the internet.
I think you're so brilliant no matter what other people say, I'm an INFJ and I know how it feels when other people make fun of you, I suffer bullying many years and also living alone is very difficult. I'm glad that I find your channel you're an inspiration for me, I love books as well. *Please continue, don't listen to toxic people, you matter and we support you and we love you!♡* ❤🌹
To say that you’re strength in speaking out abot this is humbling and inspirational would be an understatement
I had the same experience, whilst doing my phd, at the age of 44 discovered I was dyslexic. Always had a bad time at school, a levels etc had the same anxiety and fear around reading and writing etc. went undiagnosed until my mid 40s. Now being diagnosed everything that has happened related to studying etc etc all makes sense.
Cinzia--I found your channel a couple of days ago. I've been in therapy since 1996 for severe clinical depression (same therapist all this time), but panic attacks, anxiety, severe migraines--all of it long before. I too was bullied relentlessly in primary school and high school for being different, for having an active mind, and I always found solace, strength, and above all--a sense of comradeship (if you take my meaning) within the printed page. The room you sit in looks like many areas of my house--I could never do your commendable "no-buy" year--can't pass up a great book deal. I'm in tears as I write this, since books were my friends as well--they never betray, never hurt you. I've traveled the world in their pages, and experienced the past--my degree is in History--never had a chance to pursue graduate level study. You're one of the most authentic, lovely, heroic human beings I've ever seen. There's no equivocation, no deception, nor fishing for pity in your videos, nor any self-pity whatsoever. When I had my depressive shut-down in 1996, I lost my ability to read and comprehend books--I no longer wanted to be bothered at all--those things which defined the man I was--the building blocks of the life of the mind--took leave of me. I felt abandoned, lost in a murky, monochromatic world which lost its flavor--I stopped talking to people at one point, aside from the routine day-to-day things. Your experiences are unimaginable (I saw the video on your Patreon, where you describe more about your personal experiences in detail--congrats on the "separation" by the way--a huge, courageous step. As you so astutely pointed out there, it's pointless "setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm." Your very wise maxim applies here, and I sensed from your summation--as with all of your "personal" content I've seen thus far--you are putting all of those who've mocked you, taken a perverse pleasure in juvenile insults directed at you to the curb, and with the help of your therapists, and those who do care deeply about you and love you--along with your remarkably resilient spirit (which I must confess, is far more resilient than mine, if the balance sheets are compared next to each other!), are leaving them in the dust! This was a beautiful, heartfelt video, Cinzia. Thanks you so much for standing solidly on your feet, in a time when all too many are content to kneel, crawl, or simply hide in a cave.
Actual tears rolling down my face. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, you deserved much better.
I have been struggling this year with phd burnout and it affected my concentration so badly that there were times i couldn't read a text message let alone a book. Your experiences are your own but it's nice to know i'm not alone in the "academic but books are not being my friend right now".
Books have infinite patience and they will not degrade while you are waiting to be ready to read them. Wishing you all the best for your continued healing in your relationship with books 📚
You're very brave love your channel i hope you continue to heal and know that we are pulling for you!
You were the first person to get me hooked on ancient history. That is a monumental accomplishment. Thank you for being the Lady of the Library.
Is hard for me to understand that since I love reading from a young age. Of course I enjoy more readibg for pleasure that to study but this never happenned to me. How you must have felt that all your stress and anxiety manifested this way, keeping you away from the things you love the most. Hope you are better every day Lady. Thanks for the video😊.
You have become one of my favourite. I am proud of you. I don’t think I can finish this video without crying
Sending hugs. You are clever, intelligent & have already proving those negative ppl wrong.
People with dyslexia always find a work around. You have & you can
As someone with ADHD who loves reading but finds it difficult to do consistently, I feel this. Plus I experienced emotional abuse related to reading & writing - everything you say about abuse makes sense to me. The only thing I would add is that abusers will always find something to use against their targets. So if it wasn't dyslexia, I bet it would have been some other perceived weakness or flaw. I spent a lot of emotional energy as a child try to eliminate my vulnerabilities, and of course I could never really succeed.
I love your videos, and this one only makes me admire you more. There's power in embracing your imperfections, so it looks like you're doing the right thing. Best of luck to you!
As someone that has a PhD and mild dyslexia, I really resonated with this. My dyslexia went undiagnosed until I spoke to my personal tutor about it in my first year of undergrad. He wrote PROOFREAD!!! in his comments on my essay, but I had spent the whole day proofreading. I had a suspicion that I was dyslexic after my uncle was diagnosed with dyslexia when he went to university. I struggle with pronouncing words, I read slowly, say numbers wrong and have a poor short term memory. I spent a lot of my school years feeling dumb and inadequate but l loved learning and reading even though I wasn’t great at it. Sending you a big hug and know that you are not stupid, your brain just processes words differently. Ironically, people with dyslexia have high IQs!
❤ thank you for sharing. You speaking up is a good reminder to be careful with our words so we don't (unintentionally) mock or belittle people when their experience is different from our own.
I love watching your content because i can relate to you so much, i love reading, but i have a speech impediment that makes reading out loud a struggle, it helps knowing that I'm not alone when i stumble through a word or two. Thank you for continuing to read a loud, it's very comforting
Thank you so so much Cinzia!
Books have been my only friends and my lifeline in so many stages of my life, and now I struggle to read even a few books a year. So when I say I hear your struggle and I feel your pain, I mean it. Crying as I sit here. I’m so, so sorry for everything you’ve been through.
Just saw your latest video. I had no idea the struggles you have endured. My partner is a classics nut and wanted a degree in Greek and Latin, but her school dropped her scholarship to fund the tennis team. She is in awe of your knowledge and deportment. I too am so impressed with your skills, I would have never guessed at your struggles. You have triumphed over the challenges life has placed in your way. And by sharing them you inspire all of us to enjoy your channel. Best wishes.
When you get personal it's so genuine. As a side note the things you say I relate to deeply. You are an inspiration. Keep up the amazing work 🎉
Such a sad and fascinating video. HUG. You're so authentic. Beautiful.
Thank you so much!
You're welcome@@CinziaDuBois
You are so brave for sharing your trauma and expetiences with us. Thank you for opening up, I feel for you. Please know that your audience values your work and expertise, you are seen and appreciated for who you are (whom you've shown us at the very least). So proud of you, know you're not alone in tout struggles.
Holy mother of god, I am so sorry to hear all that happened to you and hope that I never accidentally fed into any of the bad conditions (if I did, please remember to turn on caps lock before yelling at me).
I will be here for all the coming parts and listen with great interest.
If it's any consolation to you: I'm part of the working class (fixing cars all day) and mostly because of you started reading books in my free time - thank you for that and thank you for your honesty.
Thank-you for being so brave, you are going to help so many people by uploading this video!
Thank you for sharing this. You have come this Far. No one should have had to go through what you did.
I am so sorry! It's completely insane to me that the adults in your life were so cruel. I can't wrap my mind around your teachers and "academic" family not knowing about dyslexia in the 90s and 2000s. Your only two years older than me and in the USA, where I am, dyslexia was usually one of the first things that people checked for when kids had trouble reading.
I'm in the USA and had to fight really, really hard for my kid to be evaluated in the early 2010s. He'd been exhibiting obvious signs since Kindergarten. Um...what I can say is that in both districts my kid attended, there was a strong disinclination to test kids for anything, and the schools were not particularly good with accommodations even after they had the diagnosis. He's not even remotely a borderline case, either.
So...I'm not shocked. I wish I could be.
@@amw6846 well that's friggin disappointing! The school system needs to get it's shit together.
You are so incredibly brave.
Thank you for continually inspiring me to never give up ❤
"They don't care that I lack the imagination to see the pictures they paint for me". This. I always thought it was just me.
I resonate with your experience more than I would like - and, at the same time, I feel immense comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my reading struggles.
Thank you (so much!) for this. Let's keep reading together, in our own way, one word at a time.
Thank you for being so honest about your mental health challenges. I have slow processing speed and need to read slowly, so I can relate to being called stupid during childhood. I'm so glad you are getting the help you need. Your channel is lovely and you are enough, and I truly believe your love of books will bring joy into your life again.
I did not expect to be in tears at the end of a 15 minute video. Thank you for sharing ❤🩹❤
That's some amazing perseverance right there. Good luck, Cinzia!
My heart is with you, Cinzia. I am going through a shadow work journey, myself and I know how difficult it can be to share that with others. I am so proud of you! And I will personally fight anyone who gives you a hard time. 🖤😊
Hugs to you! You’ve come a long way and have succeeded. Everyday is a journey.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Cinzia! I am doing a PhD and recently started therapy, which was probably the best decision ever. I couldn't work on my thesis for 2 years because I associated it with my mother dying and father getting ill. I also recognize your insecurity around intellect so much...
Thank you so much for sharing about this. When I first developed an anxiety disorder, many years ago, it sort of infiltrated into some unexpected areas of my life. For example I couldn't listen to certain music without it triggering a panic attack, I couldn't read or watch films I'd previously enjoyed or eat certain foods. Things are much better now thanks to time, patience, therapy, meds and big life changes, but having an illness take away things that previously bought so much comfort is an awful thing to go through.
I'm so glad you have support and again, thank you for being so honest and brave in sharing about this!
Thank you so much for telling this story. As someone who also realized only after years of academic burn out that i might have adhd, it hits close to home and makes me feel less alone. Books will always be there for us... and hopefully we (the communtity) can always be there for each other
From one dyslexic to another I feel you! And I thank you for your courage from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. ❤❤❤
Oh Hunney 😮😢❤❤❤ this is horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are such an inspiration, you have no idea how many people you touch. Hugs!!!! From Los Angeles!!! You have all our support!!!
This video left me absolutely gutted. I have only been following your channel for a few months and I always just assumed you were an academic who wanted us to read more.
I'm so sorry for everything bad that's happened to you. I wanted so badly just to give you a hug and tell you everything will be alright.
I'm so glad you're trying to find your love of reading again.
Hugs to you for being so courageous
Thank you for sharing that with us! As someone with ADHD who often has to reread pages and has problems with comprehension this was so moving and I hope you continue to do what makes you most happy.
Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Secrets of Nicholas Flammel, The Inheritance Cycle were all books my mother and I read together for 19 years. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and died in 2019. We were rereading Harry Potter up until she passed. We were reading book 📖 four Goblet of Fire. I can’t bear to read any of these books 📚 I love ❤ for fear of breaking down and crying 😢 I waste my free time, which actually is abundant as I’m unmarried and live alone, on social media. Thank you Cinzia for opening up and discussing your struggle. You’re not alone.
Thank you so much for this video 🙏 I never liked reading as a child because I had similar problems. We all knew where the problem was coming from - my father. It's often genetics but he never got help. But I did & after my Mom bought a lot of books with different topics & enrolled me in a creative writing class (my head is always full with stories), it got better. I've been writing in my diary on a weekly basis for over 20 years and when I check old entries from 2006/2007 even I have difficulties now to read that (I also had horrible handwriting 😅 I was bullied by my elementary school teacher that my handwriting looks like the one's from the boys).
I was never diagnosed but as I learned my 2nd language (English) & 3rd (Spanish) it got difficult again 😢
Still to this day I feel stupid whenever I do a spelling mistake & people make fun of me. Nevertheless I will never give up because knowledge is power❤
Again thank you so much for sharing your thoughts 💭 with us! And sorry for any mistakes I made in my comment😊
Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve also lost my affinity for reading, I don’t read like I used to, though mine is more attention deficit related. We hear your struggles and we relate. Keep fighting, we’re with you 💜💜💜
You moved me to tears. You are so brave and so strong. What a role model you are in so many ways.❤
you are not alone, darling. It's blessing in disguise actually. What many people consider to be a disadvantage you will turn into an advantage. It's a gift, not a curse.
People can be cruel , personally I think you’ve created a wonderful channel and to do that with your setbacks is a testament to your dedication. Great job 😊
This was so incredibly powerful. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this. **long rambling to follow**
I'm not a member of your audience, this video came up on my youtube homepage; but I think it came up there for a reason. I too, was mocked for reading slowly, or not well enough, or mispronouncing words. I didn't even learn to read until the age of 7 or 8 years old (a result of being a homeschooled child with undiagnosed ADHD, and a mother caring enough to wait until I was ready), and I hated books for many years after. In my teen years, however, when school got harder and life started to seem bleaker, I understood why people said that books were the things to save them. Books are my favourite things in the world. But I, like you, always feel as if I wasn't enough of a reader, I didn't read enough books in a year, or a month. I felt horrible when I went months without reading anything for pleasure because all of my energy was spent on getting good enough grades to get into my dream university (which I achieved, I study there now.).
My winter break starts today, and my plan for the entire thing was to read as many books as possible to "catch up", so I wouldn't have read fewer books this year than last year. That's why I think this video showed up, by chance, on my homepage for a reason. What you said about not listening to the people anymore, but listening to the books, who don't care if you're slow, or the "best" reader. The books care that they are read at all. That's the philosophy I'm bringing into my winter break, and into 2024.
I sincerely hope you are able to overcome this. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I hope, one day, you are able to read without any of those things people said to you floating around in your head. Thank you, once again for your vulnerability in this video.
Oh dear sweet Cinzia. Girl, I feel like we are kindred spirits or soul family and I want to fly my ass from the USA to Scotland, come find you, and just hug you so tight. We all love you so much here and we all appreciate your openness and willingness to share and be so raw with us. We love you!! I know it’s easier said than done, but f what others think and say…. You have a community that loves and supports you!!
I'm 44 and I've known that I was dyslexic for probably 31 years . I've never been able to read fast enough to enjoy. Even though I can read at college level if give time. I want to say thank you for sharing your story.
To say that you wouldn't do anything in academia you're working on a PhD which most people never achieve. Give yourself some credit.
Know that your critics don't matter. hope this helps you as much as you've helped me with this video.
Sincerely with all the ❤
You’ve read aloud to us all this time even though it’s been hard. What a gift! Thank you.
I totally relate to not being able to read after trauma. Its been a couple years, but I'm working on it. Also, I noticed you have a Kate Atkinson book on your shelf. If you haven't already, you should check out human croquet. It was my favorite book in HS before transitioning
Thank you for the rec!
@@CinziaDuBois np! ^.^
Oh, my goodness, you precious precious human🥰🫂🥰❤ Thank you So Much for sharing these wonderful things you've realized ❤ I know it's very serious and was a lot of hardship for you, But coming out the other side is just brilliant, found myself laughing at your descriptions. The way you told the story not laughing at your experiences. 🫂 Thank you so much❣️❣️❣️Have a wonderful day❣️❣️❣️ Look forward to your share next. ❤❤❤❤
I got diagnosed for dyslexia at 17 when my grades started to drop from high A's to C's as my brain couldn't logic passed the holes I was reading in class. The way you described the realizing that some of the abuse and struggles of your youth was a similar rough realization for me too. I got told a lot I was stupid or slow as a kid and it's taken the last 6 years since my diagnosis to really process that I am not slow, just got extra hurdles. I love running into other people who are open about their dyslexia as seeing your videos and people in my life be open as helped me accept myself. Now I'm in my first year teaching high school and seeing how when I'm open about dyslexia and not ashamed helps my students!
Keep going and dyslexics untie!
Bless you, Cinzia. I have been reading for about 60 years, and I cannot imagine the torment you have suffered. May you triumph in the end.
Thank you so much for this. Books really do save lives. You're an amazing person. Keep going Cinzia 💛
As someone who once devoured books to stave off my own childhood problems, and now a parent of a child struggling with reading, this was very moving - and ultimately important - to hear and reflect on. Thank you so much for sharing this and your recent video on learning to love books.
Wow, how incredibly painful this must be, yet here you are every day showing up and literally doing your best. Keep being amazing. Thank You for being so vulnerable, kind and authentically you.
Thank you for being brave and open about this. I have dyslexia and ADHD, and all my life I've been convinced I 'simply can't read for fun' because I'm 'bad' at it. I read slow, I have to reread sentences again and again to take in the meaning, and I frequently mispronounce words/don't know how to sound them out (something I get deeply embarrassed and down about) among other things. The thing is, when I have managed to read books for fun (it's honestly not many) I have really enjoyed it and treasured it.
You've managed to find such joy and comfort in reading despite the struggles you've faced; they sound like similar struggles to me and that's really motivating. I'm allowing things bullies/toxic family members/old friends have said to me in the past to hold me back from something enjoyable, and I don't want to give that mean-spirited, ableist attitude power any more.
I hope you manage to overcome the struggles you're facing and experience joy from reading again. The specifics of your struggles are your own, but you're also not alone in facing these kind of struggles either. I hope you're having a good day, take care.
You ARE the Lady of the Library. So many of us respect and appreciate you so much.
Thank you for sharing, bless you for your courage, and know you are heard. Your videos are of great value to me❤
Your story made me cry and fume. It's never ok to bully someone for reading. Your channel is outstanding and fabulous
I am also a dyslexic. You described so many experiences that I have had myself. I was so bullied as a child and told I was stupid even by teachers. Until one teacher in 6th grade took the time to actually help me cope. I still get stilly comments from my family even my children. Nothing like getting called out by a six year old that can read the story better than you. It was incredibly helpful to know that it was a processing disorder and I’m not stupid. You are not alone. I hear you. I can relate. I’m so sorry you don’t have the comfort of a good book to help you through life’s struggles. May you find a way through and back to the best comfort in life, a good book. ❤