What Am I Doing After my PhD? | PhD Diaries Ep.1
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WHO AM I?
Hey there, I’m Cinzia DuBois. I’m a part-time, self-funded PhD student, TH-camr, podcaster, and writer. On this channel, I talk about my PhD, reading, dyslexia, dark and ancient history, literature and folklore.
❗️DISCLAIMER
I'm very dyslexic, so I apologise for any mispronunciations that occur when I'm reading scripts for videos. Additionally, whilst flattered, I'm only a PhD student and not a professional educator. As such, I would advise against ever citing my videos or using them as an academic resource: please instead cite references for papers I list in the description box.
You have nearly 195K subscribers. In spite of what you say, I think a lot of people find you to be interesting and informative.
Agree 💯
She's cursed. She's destined for notoriety and greatness. She's trying to escape it, but she can't. 😂
wonderful
She also has frequently stated she doesn't care for how she looks and even been negative about her voice and accent. I could listen to her read nutritional information off of soup cans, plus she is an absolutely gorgeous individual, inside and out, from everything I have seen on her channels in the last couple years. I hope she never goes away from the platform because she would be sorely missed, but ultimately I hope she finds something she loves and not just happiness but true contentment.
Please don’t focus on the number of subscribers. The last thing anyone needs is to equate such things with personal validation. She is alive, she is a person. That is enough. That is all the “quality” we need.
You don’t give yourself enough credit for how capable and intelligent and personable you are! ❤
THIS!
I can 100% see you owning a delightful little bookshop in a cute town somewhere and giving everyone wonderful reading advice.
I would absolutely patronize this place daily
This is not a job unfortunately. It’s a fantasy
My therapist once told me we should be speaking to ourselves the way we would speak to our best friend or someone who means a lot to us. I think the most important thing you could do right now is be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some grace and the same thought you would to someone you love
💯🎯
I could say that you break my heart. Perhaps because your honesty hits so close to home. On a more constructive note, the job that suited me best was as a research assistant to an attorney who handled medical malpractice cases. I did a great deal of research and writing - yes, in a tiny dark closet of an office. As an English lit major, it was not “my” subject - but it was absorbing, challenging work. And many professionals need someone who can research complicated subjects, distill large amounts of material, and write clearly. You can find your niche. Your skills as a phd student can be applicable in more areas than you may realize.
You are not below average in any way. It's heartbreaking to hear you speak badly of yourself. I think you're great and so do many other here. ❤
you are TOP TIER high quality in every way
As a neurodiverse person who left phd programme I can feel you so much
I second all of this!
@@faeriesmak I third. I love listening to her podcast Dark Pages and Erie Epistles. I wish she would post there more often. I could imagine her in a dusty library reading from a dark corner.
Opinions are NOT facts. We are too frequently our own worst critics. Cinzia is a treasure, in my opinion which is counter to her opinion about herself.
In validation and perspective, don't forget that the center of many of these institutions weren't meant to be inclusive of the intersects you describe yourself lying in. You have worth, outside of the strict lines that are meant to confine and bound. I hope you find something that's honors the vastness of who you are.
" I hope you find something that's honors the vastness of who you are.". You said it so beautifully
The sad thing is, in academia as in many other areas, we need people like you, these institutions are full of over confident people who are convinced they know the answers, there is far more value in uncertainty, questioning, exploring ❤ from a fellow neurodivergent person ❤
I am writing a PhD at UCL and totally agree with what you said about contemporary academia. You have to be at the same time a scholar, a teacher, an entrepreneur, a social media manager and your own product. And you have to fight for only a few adequate positions with dozens of other very good PhDs and postdocs since there are more PhDs than jobs. It's very overwhelming. It wasn't like this earlier, as I understand; this state of academia is a new development.
Hi, Cinzia. As someone who struggles a lot with mental health issues, I can understand that me replying to your video with praise and affirmation may not have the expected effect. Our inner saboteur is always finding ways to undermine whatever positive things people say. But I'd like to tell you that I don't know you personally and MAYBE there's a chance you could be all those negative things you said, but please, listen to my perspective as a regular viewer.
Of all the channels about ancient myths and religion, yours is my favorite. I like how your deep voice gives an atmosphere and a mystic to the videos. Your background has that fairy tale quality that I like. I love how well researched your content is, and if it EVER fell short, it was because I wanted more of it, and more of you. I love your sense of humor, the casual unexpected snark, and I love how open you are with the audience.
There are hundreds of channels retelling Greek myths with the help of AI generated content, so I'm not here for the myth, I'm here to listen to YOU retelling them. If you don't find yourself worthy or extraordinary, I do. I wouldn't stop my lunch break to tell you this if you were not deserving. Thank you for the hard work in spite of all the hardships. Please, don't disappear, you make our days SO much more inspiring. ALSO, your life as academic could perfect lead you to work with the masses, as you do now. You don't have to fight other scholars on forums over papers, you could keep your great work as a digital educator because you are REALLY good at it.
Finally, you CLEARLY have been affected by the comment section, but you don't have to read them all. I'd like to encourage you to bring some patreons, members or fans as moderators. They could help you filter out the negativity so you could focus on all the praise and support you get in the comments.
PLEASE, don't trust yourself, trust us on this... you are REALLY good at what you do here. Stay strong, Modern Artemis!
What a lovely comment. Fully agree.
You are the type of person I want to see on my screen! I don't see you as below average at all, and I even cited one of your videos in my master's thesis. There's more people like you in academia than you know.
I think you are letting the pain of past traumas get the best of you. You are far more capable than you are giving yourself credit for.
And I know you didn't want comments about this, but I'd like to share my experience. I'm a late diagnosed person with Level 1 ASD, who didn't find out till I was almost 34 years old. For most of my life, I felt terribly inadequate in the world. My success and progress was measured by the peers around me. I'd fumble and embarrass myself in every social circumstance I was in (and still do, to be frank). I'd beat myself up over my lack of capacity in handling the dance of social interaction as well as others. Between the trauma of childhood and the persistence persecution by neuro-typicals even in adulthood, I held a very negative view on myself as a person constantly.
It wasn't until I realized that I am neurodiverse that I held myself in an unreasonable standard of 'normal' to try and achieve. Scientifically speaking, I was quite far from the mark of what 'normal' is for human beings. In short, I realized that I was doing myself a grand disservice by holding myself to a standard that was impossible to live up to. Why should I try to act like 'normal' people when everything about me was clinically proven to be not? In the words of Einstein, I was a fish trying to climb trees, and I couldn't even lift myself off the tree's trunk.
Maybe you might relate to my experience. What I can already tell is that you are exceptionally brilliant. You bring a ton of charm and wit to your videos for the subjects you cover. You speak with incredible professionalism and suave that perhaps you may underestimate at times. At no point would anyone dare say you don't know what you are talking about. (Well, anyone that isn't downright trolling or bullying on the internet, that is)
Maybe you need to let go of unreasonable standards in your life. You are an incredible person. But I can tell that you are mentally torturing yourself with a deficit of measure that only you know of. You are **good enough**. The fans on this channel can clearly see as such.
I hope this resonates with you. It's ok to not be a creature meant to climb trees. It just means that you can do something far greater instead.
That was beautiful, my friend.
Your comment is so much more eloquent than mine! I fully agree with this. It's devastating to me the hold the 'standard' has over autistic people (or, if not autistic, 'different'). I don't think I want to follow it anymore, it only exhausts and upsets me. I think we can find a way to not give as much of a shit. I think that might even help the people around us feel more comfortable with being different, too.
I sometimes have to go to professional conferences or travel for business. I have found that while I enjoy attending presentations, I spend the rest of the time happily alone in my hotel with a book or my laptop. I eat breakfasts & suppers alone, and go to a grocery store upon arrival to stock up and skip every social meal possible. I also wake at 5 a.m. before anyone else is about and walk around/explore alone in the quiet. I skip all the "mixers", etc. Perhaps I would have had a different career if I'd been more social, but I certainly would not have enjoyed it - and to be honest I've had good success in my field just the same. It's quite lovely to be the one with a book in her backpack, looking for a quiet corner and a bit of silence. I wish you all the best :)
This video absolutely broke my heart. You seriously under sell yourself. I think your vlogs are more interesting than the predictable ones I normally watch. You are unique and the world needs more people like you. I totally understand the shyness and inability to start up a conversation-I won best thesis prize and runner up in best published article and did not want to go to the awards ceremony bc I did not want to speak to anyone.. Seriously you have nearly 200,000 subscribers. Don’t you dare go hiding under a rock.
Hey there. I am almost done with a PhD and I want to encourage you not to quit. 80% of people who start a PhD don't finish because it's super stressful! I don't think it's all about writing and getting evaluated. I don't know what you're getting a doctorate in, but it's something to be proud of. You're a high quality person for even starting one. You can do it! From one socially awkward math geek to you... look, you've got this. You could run an awesome bookshop, and definitely don't color your hair unless you want to. I color mine because I find that blue hair suits me better than my nautral color, and it's a very personal decision. I hope you find peace and get what you need.
Dear Cinzia, I suffer from social anxiety, too, I have developed a fear of reading books and am currently im a analytical therapy to deal with past traumas amdy autism (how ir affects me amd has im the past). I feel very connected amd am super grateful for the content you share with us. You are one of my biggest inspirations amd I appreciate your honesty a lot. You seem like a wonderful person and whenever I watch your videos, I wish for a friend like you. I'm not making a lot of sense but I felt the need to comment. I wish you all the best, I hope you come to love and appreciate yourself. I know it's not an easy journey, I'm on my own one too.
Spiritcrusher? More like spirit uplifter!
hey cinzia! i am a med student living in turkey and its actually really hard for me to put time into my social life or think about literature or deal with rejection on a romantic level etc.
just wanted to stop by and tell you that your personality and way of speech or even the look of your glasses with your iconic lipstick makes me want to watch all of your videos and they encourage me to engage socially, read and think more and even to search for romantic love🥲
i find it really hard to believe that you don’t find yourself “enough”.
GIRL YOU ARE AMAZING!
i even find myself thinking about how you say “books save lives, so keep reading” on a daily basis and it makes me so so so happy that someone out there cares about reading this much!
i don’t care if you go have an academic career or not, i just don’t want it to be about you not thinking you are “enough”
you are so enough that a 21 year old turkish girl sits and watches your videos in her bedroom first thing after waking up in the morning before heading to the lab or the hospital.
i love you and your videos too much so i could not stop myself from commenting and i really don’t do this often.
Opening your fears here is not devastating as you will feel after posting this. There is a lot of empathy with your regulars. We are here, for your skill, and your joy, of your chosen subject. And we are relieved, refreshed and hopeful at your honesty. I am sure your personal friends and mentors follow your YT, and will be there with a little more support. This is for the respect and liking for You. You girl, worrying is devastating, saying your worried is stepping forward. Go girly.
You're definitely high-quality. Your videos often wildly outshine other content I see on here
Please don't totally disappear... I really enjoy hearing your perspectives!
I've loved seeing your videos every now and then throughout the years, I think you're a really sweet person, and I trully hope you end up finding peace in your life and in the path that you think will be best for you
Watching this and hearing how you describe yourself is heartbreaking.
I understand what you’re saying. It seems that you feel an academic needs to be personable. Outgoing. I also feel awkward at conferences and tend to keep to myself unless there’s someone there I know. You feel that you don’t fit society’s stereotypical model for an “influencer”: beautiful, alluring, someone people want to emulate. Vain.
I love you and your channel as you are. I don’t follow many influencers anymore. The ones I do follow refuse to fit into the Influencer mold. You have a huge subscriber base. An amazing work ethic. You have overcome innumerable challenges and you have helped people online. You’ve helped me. Your videos I watch as soon as I see them on my page and go back to them over and over again. I hope that one day you can see yourself as I see you: intelligent. Hard working. Vulnerable. Disciplined. Self-aware. Brave. The idea of acting terrifies me but you! You love it!
You know who you are and what works for you. You can set goals and achieve them.
You’re quite hard on yourself for what you seem to feel are flaws. I hope one day you can feel comfortable and confident in yourself.
Just my words.
"I'm not the type of person that people want to see on their screen" I mean I'd say that over 193 000 people would disagree with that assessment. You too so harsh to yourself Cinzia. If you are no longer comfortable with being a semi-public person, then that's completely understandable, but outside of the trolls and fickleness of the youtube algorithm, the truth is that you have an audience of people are very interested in your expertise and in your opinions. Don't sell yourself so short as that.
I can't speak to how you feel of course, but I can tell you that you are definitely a successful influencer. I love watching your videos and listening to you. You always look beautiful and you speak intelligently. I wish you could be less hard on yourself, but I know that's easier said than done. I wish you happiness and a fulfilling career, whatever you end up doing.
I'm very sorry that you're struggling; I hope you find a job that will help you feel safer
🫂🫂🫂
Appreciate the raw transparency here.. Im oddly similar and once upon a time i wanted to be a history lecturer but that died bc im really not good with people
This 'raw' video is really powerful. You speak with grace and honesty. You will probably never know how many (myself for definite) you have positively impacted on with your wonderful videos and very wise insights. However you move forward, try not to think 'too' far ahead (easier said than done I know) you will do well.
I’ve been a subscriber for years and years (I once ran into you while on a trip in Edinburgh with my parents - it was a beautiful sunny day in 2018), and since my teenage years you’ve been somewhat of a constant in my life (I'm turning 25 this year). Perhaps it’s partly because as an introvert who’s struggled with self-esteem, who originally wanted to go into acting and is now on the path to pursuing an academic career, I can relate to you in many ways and I see you as a bit of an older, more experienced sister. But I think the main reason why I’ve stayed subscribed for such a long time is that even in unscripted videos, you always make me see things from an angle I hadn’t considered before. I think you’re incredibly intelligent and your unique insights and perspective has challenged and enriched my own thinking. I appreciate your sense of humour and your charisma, and I greatly admire your emotional honesty and your capacity for empathy. The things you’ve shared about your struggles with mental health have helped me feel less alone as I start to grapple with my own issues. All that is to say I’m very grateful for your presence in this world and this little corner of the internet, and wherever you end up, I wish you all the happiness in the world ❤
Having been in academia, i agree with you. It is about bs and self promotion rather than quality of work. You are not a 'normal' You Tuber. Nor should you be. Your charming interesting personality and 'take' on issues is wonderful. A different point of view crying out in the wilderness of mediocrity! Not my place to offer advice but I tried an office job - hoping to lie low and keep quiet and un noticed. All that happened was that i was seen as an easy target by office bullies. Give it a try, but hopefully, this will be a 'heads up' for you. Should you leave TH-cam, i should very much miss your erudite presence but also understand and respect your decision. All the best.
You seem like an incredibly conscientious person. I appreciate all you share on the platform. Knowledge, experience, feelings.
I hope you find happiness, peace, and fulfillment in whatever you choose to do in life.
Ms. Dubois, I must say that you are too harsh on yourself and it breaks my heart to see that. Though, I, too relate with many things you've expressed... I want to say that you are incredibly intelligent, interesting and extremely genuine. You tried to do something on your own and have had genuine, pure success and that's more than most people ever do. Heck, you've helped me through some tough times in my life currently. Not to get too personal, but my father messed up a while back and it financially crippled my family. So, my education had been hampered. I'm currently studying for my A-Levels privately because I had to drop out of school and I'm also planning to self-finance my future studies and you've been an inspiration to me to keep moving forward. I do understand where you're coming from, but I just want you to know that you are not just the harsh things you say you are. Rather, you are also an extraordinary person with unique abilities and intriguing levels of depth. LIKE COME ON woman you are finishing a PhD, a P h D. Most people don't even think about pursuing their Master's... You've accomplished so much all on your own, you have every right to be proud of yourself! I will always manifest that you have the future that you want for yourself. I hope you will be happy and fulfilled somewhere and with something of your choosing. I will forever be grateful that I had the fortune of coming across such an wonderful individual such as The Lady of The Library.
Sending you love and good wishes from Australia. You can do this. You can pivot into a new industry. Museums and libraries would all love to have someone like you at the helm.
Seriously, you as a person and a teacher are appreciated all over the globe. As a student in academia, you’ve helped me countless times. Most notably your video on researching. There is still so much time left to do so many different things.
Sweet girl, you are breaking my heart. You are really going through a rough time. I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed.
You are doing what I cannot do myself. I am also neurodivergent and have difficulties with PTSD from my service in the US Army. I am also shy, introverted and withdrawn from the community. Forgive me if I say too much. I appreciate your candor and honesty and the ability to be your true self. Please don't lose that. There is room here for you and your views on the classics and other subjects you share. I think you are fantastic and I hope you continue being yourself. That is your beauty. I apologize if I am too personal or familiar. Thank you for your channel. The subjects you share are interesting, entertaining and helpful, especially your recent work. I also hope to hear more about the classics and the various mythologies, etc. as well.
You are a high quality person 100% and a great influencer, you made me read the Illiad and the Odyessy, not something I ever thought would happen. I hope you sort out your self doubt because you are a wonderful human being, keep being you and ignore the haters. ❤
As a fellow socially anxious person, your recent videos have been a huge inspiration to me, it makes me feel less strange and alone to know that others feel the same as me. ❤
Same!
Of course you have worth. Your videos have touched me personally, and are good because you care about your work. Nothing speaks more to me about the quality of a person than how much care they put into the work they do. And about personal feedback, it took me so long to learn: personal critique is more about the giver than the receiver. Always. Be nice to you.
So much of what you are saying is what I think as well about myself. Thank you for making this video ❤
I wish you the quickest and kindest year for you so that you can start your quiet life. It will be sad to not see updates from you on YT but I will be overjoyed to know you will be happy in your space, you deserve all the calm, lovely, and enriching moments this life has to offer you. Much love ❤️✨
I don't think I have the words to express how you have helped me in my academic process and how I can relate to you. I also have social anxiety and have sabotaged myself so many times.
I understand where all your thoughts are coming from but I must say, you are anything but an average person.
You are an exceptional person and very interesting as well.
Many of us are here regularly viewing your content because you are extremely intelligent and because we find everything you say interesting.
You deserve so much more and I'm sure everyone here would love to read anything you write.
I send you much love.
I think a bookshop sounds a lovely idea and one that would give you a lot of joy. You should do whatever thing gives you comfort and happiness, and makes it possible to live safely.
I think you are right when you say that social media has changed. I think also our overall social attitude to social media has changed. My only social media now is TH-cam and there are so many parts of the Internet that I cannot access because I no longer want to have a presence on all the other parts of social media. It is frustrating,as a fellow person who would like to not be endlessly perceived by others, that I can’t do some of the simplest things just because I don’t want to share all my thoughts/feelings/photographic history. We are expected to be brands, to be relentlessly performing and obviously some of that is driven by advertising money, but there’s been a definite cultural shift.
I cannot tell you how much I relate to this. I enjoy disappearing into creative writing but I've found I could not handle life in academia at all. I actually work in advertising for clients now and I love it because I can vanish into every project and it has nothing to do with me. My creative work is both me and not me, as you say. I have huge respect for you doing TH-cam when you feel this way as I know how crushing the academic environment can be and the thought of doing social media to promote myself is absolutely terrifying to me.
I feel like you have my brain, as I understand each struggle and your pain is so so familiar to me. This being said, to me you are someone to admire. You did so many things that is almost impossible to achieve. You inspire me with in many ways, especially as a person who struggles but keeps achieving. I really wish you will find job/field that will make you happy as well as helpful you feel safe. ❤
I’m the direct opposite of what you describe, although I am a severe introvert and I don’t enjoy social situations that aren’t structured and rare. I find that I have no problem self-promoting as I understand it as one of the rules of the game, same as networking. Networking has a formula/script one can follow, and the more structured the event is around and activity, the better. Self-promoting is just shouting in the same space as everyone, as we live in the attention economy, offline and online (and we always have!). Finding creative ways to shout that align more with your personal values can be beneficial, I have found a few. I find that I have a networking and self-promotion persona I put on when necessary, then rest as it’s exhausting. I have also tried NGOs, industry, academia, self-owned work (I am a bit older than you), and the same skills are required everywhere. If you self own a business you still have to promote it, and you have to negotiate purchases and contracts for that business - which often is again about who you know so they can inform you about an opportunity. There is no real escape from this aspect of society. While a lot of us aren’t a natural, we can still swim through it somehow. Good luck with wrapping up the PhD and finding what is next!
Dear Cinzia,
Your desire to disappear reminds me of Lila, a character from L'amica geniale by Elena Ferrante. You are both genius. I hope you are able to see it. At least, that's how you are perceived.
I have been watching you for more that 5 years. Your strength, determination and willingness have given me hope and inspiration in dark times. I wish you the best, no matter where you are or what you do. Yet, remember that you will always shine, even hidden in the deepest place.
It is very frustrating that our brains as a species are naturally multiple forms of functioning & that we have a false understanding about “typical” brain function. Things are often labeled as a disease or disorder, when in actuality they are just not the majority. Historically there was more inclusions in society for what is labeled “neurodivergent” today. The more varied our species is, the more we can do.
You sweet lady have no shame for being you. In fact, I would categorize your unique way as a “diamond in the rough” & find inspiration in your open sharing of your difficulties & accomplishments. Please do keep being true to who you are, because it is precious in the world and makes (at least mine) the world a better place! 💯😉
I've really enjoyed watching your videos, they're very entertaining and informative. I'm wishing the best for you, and I hope you find a job that really fits your talents and makes you happy. ♥
I honestly find you really strong, count my blessings to have found your channels last year, and wish you nothing but the best ❤
I have autism, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm very introverted, preferring to spend my days reading, writing, or researching. My social anxiety isn't as bad now, but it was terrible when I was a kid, and it's interesting that you mention a passion for acting, because I also acted when I was younger. I was in musical theatre in high school, and that played a big role in getting me out of my shell and making me comfortable with myself.
I also run a TH-cam channel and, while I don't necessarily feel like I'm socializing in the same way as if I'm face to face with someone, I do catch myself wondering if I'm boring, loud, not pretty enough, and so on. I love being on TH-cam, but it does exacerbate those insecurities.
I've always found you, and your content, relatable. I love both your channels; you're one of my favourite creators on TH-cam. You need to do what's best for you, but I'll miss you - not just your content (your various interests align with mine), but you, because I find you so relatable.
Best of luck on whatever you choose to do.
♥
Often times we don't see ourselves as we truly are, insecurities, fear, and self doubt can and often clouds our self image. Cinzia you have accomplished far more than most people dream to do. You not only got a masters degree, something most people haven't done, you are going for a PHD despite all of your fear and self doubt. Despite your social anxiety you have made an educational TH-cam channel that has 193 thousand subscribers. You are a high quality and highly intelligent person that people like and want to see. You have done what most people wouldn't even dream of doing because it would just be too hard.
I understand that this isn't what you like doing, especial given how toxic the internet can be. If you ultimately need to leave TH-cam behind for your own mental health, that is completely understandable and we would prefer you take care of your mental health even if it means we don't get videos from you anymore, but we would miss you. I'm not trying to convince you not never stop making videos, your mental health comes first. I just wanted to tell you, even though you might never read this, that you have accomplished something big and you are more than worth it.
As someone who is both dyslexic and struggles with social generalized anxiety, this is relatable especially since I had to leave my MA program. I personally find your videos very informative and well researched. I do understand your reasons for wanting leave social media, and open a bookshop, I think that would be lovely, though not without stress.
I'm also a PhD student, just in a different subject matter, I like your videos because you acknowledge how difficult it can be. What you say about socializing in conferences is true, I never know what to say, it is just like a weird chat with no specific objective in mind.
Thank you for your videos.
"Professional researcher"- is that even a thing? A. researcher-for-hire? I've watched several of your vids on different subjects,most recently the ' was Alexander gay? vid, and the depth and variety of the sources you dig up are always amazing. Can you make a living doing that? Maybe a government or NGO job,. or for professional writers, or historical movies or TV? Whatever you settle on, please continue to make your interesting and informative videos. They brighten the days of my retirement!
Just remember, being different is your superpower. You don’t need to change, you need to accept who you are and surround yourself with people who accept you. There is a puzzle where you are the perfect peace to complete it. Don’t try to reshape to fit in another puzzle. And hey, you manage to find quite a number of people who enjoy listening to you.
You are so special and unique Cinzi im a overly confident person and wasnt always, and it was terrifying being so anxious growing up, your stronger than you think and whatever future path you choose i hope it works out, im a poler opposite person now but, i admire the inspiration you're videos have had the emotions they ignite and your gorgeous aesthetic 🖤
Oh my dearest girl…. You are far more amazing than know. I think you are brilliant and I love your videos. I appreciate you and your vulnerability and wish I could just scoop you up in a hug when you get so emotional. You are lovely and wonderful and have a bright future ahead!!
I'm about a month away from submitting my PhD in History. I totally get what you mean about contemporary academia, so have already decided to not even bother looking for a position in a university. Instead, I'm looking into postdoctoral research and commercial research opportunities, as well as writing a novel! There are lots of options for you to make the most of your PhD without putting it to one side - although a bookshop does sound amazing!
God bless you, dear one. I hope you can learn to love and accept your uniqueness without trying to hide it. The world is a better place with you in it. X
You have become my favourite TH-camr. You are one of the most honest and down to earth people on the platform and that is a rare trait indeed and I for one will miss you if you ever decide to leave but you need to do what you need to do.
I will say this though - you have a lot of people here who are rooting for you and wish you all the happiness in the world whatever you decide to do.
I am someone that just finished my PhD, i'm in the physical sciences. I definitely agree with you that academia, particularly in the last decade seems very much about promoting "you" as the product. I also similar found networking at conferences very hard, i'm also relatively shy. At the moment I am still in academia as a postdoc, but I like this position - I don't have to worry about grants or leading other people, yet my boss gives my freedom to set my own research agenda. Unfortunately postdocs are generally just considered temporary, so after this i'm still not sure what I'll do. It's likely I could end up doing somthing very different.
It's a bummer to hear that you'll be going soon. Your videos have hit home many a time, especially when you were sharing your struggles with school and life as they were very relatable in a refreshing kind of way that's hard to really put to words.
I mostly want to say Thank You for all the videos and essays that you have shared and created.
I kinda selfishly hope you leave them up when you do dissappear from the web; but if they dissappear too it'll be okay because they helped me most when I really needed it.
Good vibes and Good Luck
Well done algorithm for FINALLY recommending someone I absolutely would like to sub to recently!
I cried about what you talked about yourself. It is almost the same as myself.but yesterday when I met my supervisor, who seems to also have serious social issues. I suddenly realised that, many people,maybe more than you imagine, go to work in academia because they have social problems and they assume that in academia you can avoid all the social contacts and at last find it's not. So some people are good at talking or networking is just that they are good at masking. I can imagine my supervisor would consider me behaving so naturally while he has been making a fool of himself. But I'm not. I couldn't sleep before the meeting and usually after a meeting I would ruminate everyone in my head a million times about how awkward I was, which generally drove me crazy. My point is that the world is made for extroverts for sure. We can only try to adjust ourselves to adapt to it. I constantly told myself that nobody really cares about how you behave everyone is concentrating on themselves! It's really hard, I know. But I'm exercising it and gradually becoming better
You said you are not someone worth to be listened to or watched, someone who has no power of influencing people but let me tell you-- I've been watching your videos for ages, you have been so inspiring for me, especially in pursuing my own studies and in getting the most out of them. Watching your videos years ago, while I was in my first year of my Bachelor, completely changed my way of thinking about my university experience and my way of attending it. Your passion for books, written words and studying have literally been one of the things that have influenced my path. It's partly thanks to you if I fell in love with uni the way I did and if I now have a BA, a MA and I am applying to a second MA in a foreign country. I hope this is not too much info dump about me lol I just would like you to know how inspiring and amazing you are for other people
This video stands out as the most sincere one on your channel, rich in delightful contradictions. You dream of acting but shy away from the spotlight, longing to be everyone yet preferring the comfort of your own cocoon. Remember, the pursuit of external approval isn't necessary; you embody what you are, resonating with over 190,000 subscribers. To me, you're a captivating storyteller, offering a comforting presence I enjoy in the background and find deeply engaging when I tune in fully. Your voice is a pleasant melody that, upon closer listen, reveals profound insights. You're bridging a significant gap with your vulnerability, spontaneous reactions, and total immersion in your topics. Keep in mind, what you're doing is not just good-it's on its way to becoming even better.
Ooof. That hit home. I did the same thing - got into an industry where I thought I could hide in the background and it turns out there is a lot more networking and client interaction than I ever thought or wanted.
Thank you for sharing
❤❤❤❤
Judging by the videos of yours I've seen I'd say you're a high quality person, a very high quality person. There's so much support out there to help you with the social anxiety you describe. I wish I could be of the quality you are.
Hey, I just wanted to send some encouragement your way. I think your videos are great and you seem like a really smart and insightful person. I understand the struggles of an aspiring actress. I study performance and it can be very taxing. But whatever you choose to do, never give up on yourself. A PhD is a huge accomplishment, so my advice is, just make sure you aren't keeping yourself from doing what you love out of fear. Live your life the way you truly want to live it and not in the way your internal bully tells you to. Often we are capable of so much more than we thought possible.
I hope you getting your PhD gives you what you desire. I understand what you are going through, dealing with things that create anxiety is so difficult. Though so many would miss your vlogs I'm sure so many would rather you be happy with life.
Whatever gives you peace, be. 💞
I have only recently discovered your channel and I am sorry it took me so long to find, because it's a real treasure. You underrate yourself on all counts. You have accomplished much, and I have no doubt that you will do well at whatever you choose to do.
I so relate to this. Since getting a job after uni I’ve had such a big sense of nostalgia for academia because in my mind it’s a way to escape from all the bits of the professional world which I don’t like. It’s been so hard to breakdown the fantasy in mind into something real.
Thank you for this honesty. I hope you find happiness in whatever you do in the future ❤
I appreciate your honesty and openness. I've also set aside my past dreams after realizing they weren't a good fit for who I am and what I need in life. I'm still looking for my "forever home" type job, but I'm hopeful I'll find it sometime. I do know the society I live in was not structured for introverted, neurodiverse people like me, and I'm learning to give myself more kindness about not fitting into the boxes. I wish that same kindness for you. ❤
Your feelings are totally valid but, as a viewer who doesn't know you, I can assure you that you are special and such a well spoken person and far from an ordinary nobody.
I hope your wishes come true and you disappear from the Internet and can only be found in a cosy little bookshop but I'll keep watching and loving your videos until that happens and just know that you are exceptional and I've always been in awe of your intelligence and everything that you do! 💜
And I mean that. Virtual hugs!
I only wish you could see how amazing you are and how much joy you bring to our screens. Your videos are so interesting and your aesthetic is fabulous! You would be such an asset to your chosen academic field. Please never give up hope and believe in yourself. Lots of love, Ois xx
i'm at the tail end of my own PhD and holy cow we have the same anxieties about needing to be "known" in a community. i wish i didnt have to network and do all that jazz. conferences scare me. its ridiculous.
I'm watching this video for when I'm done with a PhD I haven't started yet 😅
I'm not the most dedicated viewer, but I've been subscribed for a couple years now. Keep going. Your PhD Taught you to keep pushing through those barriers. I'm in College now. And persistence, and the ability to keep going carries you many places.
If I may, you've always come across as quite charismatic to me, also very relatable, I appreciate both you and your work a great deal!
I can relate to many of the struggles you describe. Thank you for being uniquely you! :) I recently found a wonderful book by Haruki Murakami, "Novelist as a Vocation". I am currently reading it and it is helping me so much. Highly recommend :)
As someone who is considering pursuing a phd and a career in academia, your vulnerability is very insightful and helpful. Thank you very much
This video is so heartbreaking 💔 I really hope you find the space to continue with your 2024 goal of developing self love, because it seems like that is something which would improve your life loads, whether you continue in academia or not.
I have been sharing my own PhD breakdown woes with friends who have gone through it and they have all assured me that these feelings are normal and very much not forever ❤
Sending love from one tired sad brain to another
I have been watching you off and on for years and what I see is an intelligent, articulate woman with a lovely personality and lots of interesting thoughts. And something new I saw today for the first time is how strong you are, although I suspect you don't see that in yourself. I sincerely wish you the very best with your future, whatever you end up doing.
You are not only above average, but excellent on every level! I admire your original content very much! Keep going! Do not quit TH-cam, because we will miss you a lot! But if you are happier quitting it, I wish you all the success in anything you choose to do!
I felt that. I was a school teacher for 12 years and left during the pandemic. I was good at it too from the pedagogy. It reached a point where I could no longer socially schmooze with the higher ups the way I needed to in order to advance my career. It was awful for my mental health. Now I work for a youth homeless shelter in a position that only required a bachelor's degree not a master's degree, as a case manager. My degree is teaching with technology has allowed me to be the tech support for my small office, and I can teach my clients how to fix their laptops. I am good at my job. My boss is just understanding that I am a social weirdo. I don't need a diagnosis, as I have one of CPTSD. It'd be too much to untangle to give my symptoms a name. If you are not a socially functioning extrovert, academia is brutal. I'm glad you figured out what works for you. We will miss you though.
You are the only youtuber who can actually hold my attention. You are so not below average in anyway.
You are The Lady of the Library, and you are amazing. You inspire people everyday with your storytelling, and love of books. May your days be filled with interesting books, warm cups of tea, and lots of fluffy cuddles... 🙏
As someone who’s a semi regular viewer of your videos on both of your channels I echo what everyone else has said, you are absolutely good enough, you are someone I want to see. When I watch your videos and what you might be talking about you reflect back to me similar experiences. Additionally you remind me of the others who do TH-cam here like The Cottage Fairy, Jonna Jinton, Bernadette Banner, etc of someone who is so comfortable in what they enjoy talking about, your channel is part of the quiet side of TH-cam and social media and podcasts the ones where maybe you don’t know they are out there but once you discover them you and the reflective nature that radiates through has you wondering why didn’t you know about this person before!? Where you quietly get to sit and give space to yourself in a way that’s becoming harder to find, and not everyone sadly has access to. But somehow through a video it comes through you almost think you’re both quietly sitting in one another’s company for tiny bit and then continue with your day. Like the solitude and relaxing atmosphere of an old library, or National Park, other physical spaces like Scottish Highlands. You articulate yourself so well in a way that isn’t my strongest skill set and you’re so fucking good at it! Cinizia I hope when you read through these comments maybe, you’ll get to see how everyone here sees you and take some of it with you. And I also understand not being built for certain aspects of how people interact with one another and put themselves out there.
I think you are spectacular. So articulate, intelligent, always in pursuit of knowledge... You're my goal. It's aching me to know you feel lesser than that. Do what you deem needed to better your own life, for yourself, not for anyone else or academia or anything, and thrive, because you will thrive.
This is exactly how I feel about being in academia. I’m in the final year of my PhD and seriously debating whether an academic job is worth it. I think the amount of strain it places on neurodivergents in particular makes it quite an ableist and inaccessible area to work in (especially in the humanities). I’ve been having debates just like this with my other PhD friends and my DSA mentor. It seems like every other neurodivergent person I know who has done a PhD has had to make their own reasonable adjustments (after receiving push back from their supervisors or department) by not engaging in the kinds of extracurricular activities that we are told are essential to getting a job in academia: Speaking at conferences, organising events, being on panel discussions, networking, having multiple projects and deadlines going at once (which for autistic people like me is an impossibility), and teaching, etc.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re so very intelligent (a bit intimidating, in fact). You have this compelling, chocolatey voice that is beyond perfection for storytelling, especially for dark tales, and so many of us can’t wait for you to post! Give yourself credit, girl! You’re better than you think you are by far
Sending my love - I hope you can find a place to work/be where you feel confident and intelligent and strong and capable, because you are worth all those things!
I relate to this in a way that is almost indescribable. For what it's worth, which isn't much, you're not alone in what you're feeling. To be on view for people all over the world is not for the faint of heart. I think your videos, on both channels, are fabulous, and you're one of my favorite youtubers. I would be sad to see you leave the internet, but whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best. Take care and God bless!
The way you are is just why I watch you every day you get a video out! I don't watch much youtube, but I follow your channel because its amazing. And you're amazing!!!!!
Thank you for your honesty. What you've spoken about, I felt like I could relate to much of the blocks social anxiety has caused you. Watching your videos gives me hope that following my true passions and interests is worth it. I am happy that I get to see your videos and learn about such interesting historical and mythological topics. Thanks you, truly for your honesty.
I feel exactly the same way. I can’t do things that regular people do. I’m very shy too!
You are brave for being here, though. I can’t even do internet because I have some traumas related to that, so, hell no. Haha
I only evaluate the content because I can see your love of knowledge. I watched lots of videos before I watched your super honest videos and never had any sense of what you perceive as your failures.
I am one of those people who don't want to know about the life of writers just appreciate their creativity.