Talking with an Incel about Starting a Relationship
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 มี.ค. 2020
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Incel stands for 'involuntary celibate' or 'involuntary celibacy.' Incels are normally filled with hate, but our guest today is fairly wholesome and has a past of bad dating experiences. He is self-proclaimed incel in a sense where he still cannot find a meaningful relationship with a woman.
In this video, Dr. K talks with an incel about dating, being an incel, and the incel mentality.
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#MentalHealth #Incel #Dating
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I know this is old but around 1:01:29 I am a psychologist by my first degree and I had to comment on this as well. Your guest here loves this mindloop because in his past life it has worked as his defense from a lot of hurt and overwhelming emotions. He is constantly attacking himself and turning it into himself, which is also partly why he had low self-esteem.
Watch a lot of Ted talk and end up here. This guy genuinely reminds me of a much more mild version of myself. TH-cam algorithm is trying to tell me something, but I'm just gonna slowly step away 😆
How much tho?
@@DisobedientSpaceWhale there are 3 commenters here be sure to @ them so they know who it's for.
@@drea1985 I am asking Healthy Gamer GG how much his therapy sessions are
Let's all take a moment to appreciate the big ol cojones on our man Paul for opening up like this in a public place. Absolute Legend.
He seems like a great guy and I think we all share at least some the issues he describes. There's light at the end of the tunnel but he's put a blindfold on himself as hope leads to pain.
Hopefully these comments help him see he's not alone and he begins to believe in himself again.
true. I struggle even talking to my therapist alone imagine in front of a camera
Yes, I respect this bravery too! It's a great way of learning on how to support each other as well!
I think he doesnt realize the good qualities he has. Talking about his looks he looks like a plesant guy, not mean or scary. Hes not angry, He seems patient, thoughtful, willing to have a hard or difficult conversation.willing to listen. Not superficial. ❤ well this sounded better in my head.
@@conniekeshet I agree. Paul seems like the archetypal nerdy 'nice guy'. Unfortunately most women typically friendzone both genuine & fake nerdy nice guys they don't find attractive or charismatic....I 've never experienced the 'friendzone' as I'm relatively confident with a flirty SOH & been lucky enough to date chubby sexy girlies with lower standards that I find very attractive...
Dr. K DESTROYS mans hopelessness with facts and logic
Dont think he did.
@@aono335 he did
Cute clickbait UwU
(GONE WRONG!) (GONE SEXUAL) 😱😱😱
You really think we could decent men in indecent time you re wrong reality is cruel society is cruel most important think in life what you look like and what you look like your character don t matter morals don t matter none of them matter its over
The fact that the thought of a woman smiling at him is what brought him to tears about ripped my heart out.
I almost cried with the guy
first time?
I think it was him realizing how true and simple and obvious (and attainable) it is. He knows when you smile and laugh it makes people smile and laugh. His laugh was “omg duhhh obviously!”, the cry was “I’ve wasted so much time and heartbreak over something so simple”. In my opinion of course 🙄
@@mechadie5915 why the rolling eyes emoji?
@@gustavesoucy-breton6841this x2
This guy really put Dr. K in the corner and he expertly showed how to navigate it. Endlessly impressed with Dr. K's ability to direct a conversation.
my thoughts exactly. This was a tough one
He's insanely talented.. what I'd give to talk to him for an hour lol
He tried to put Dr K in a corner. Found him to have an unlikeable personality. Seemed to have come to the interview with a hidden agenda. A lack of empathy and superiority.
Direct a conversation by taking what Paul said, running away with it, changing the context and then coming back and saying "see now you're supposed to feel like you're in the wrong." This Dr. K is a crafty little prick, he sets traps for you, he asks questions that he knows the answer to, but he guides the logic to suit his own narrative, that he's in control of what the correct answer will be, which is contrary to the answer which he knows is the most obvious.
That's why I call him UnhealthygaslighterBG
@@NickGreiner1988 You are conflating walking someone through logic that they believe to be true and maliciously manipulating someone’s perception.
His story about a therapist turning him away is one of the most devastating things I’ve ever heard 🤦🏻♀️
Definitely makes you question the types of people they allow to be therapists
Yeah, and then this guy normalises it (which fits his personality to a t), I wish he could get mad about this for himself omg.
I hope that therapists supervisor slapped him a new one
it's shit when that happens, some therapists don't want to deal with initially difficult patients so they just bail out. They know the patient will be extra work, extra effort and they go for easy cases, or ongoing cases, like people that get therapy just to vent and talk but not really try to fix something, that usually brings in the money.
im like a 7x champion of that shit
This video compressed into two sentences:
"I'm never gonna get a girlfriend"
"Not with that attitude"
That's the thing about incels. They don't need an 8 pack, they don't need a million dollars, they don't need a jaw line that could cut glass. They need to fix their attitude and have a scrap of confidence. Men have it easy, these things are usually more important than looks.
The bell do you mean by have it easy? My what measurement?
Jack Black you are lying.
@@Saint_Magnapinna The difference I see with good looking guys is that they keep trying when a girl isn't showing interest, they try to win them over and in many cases it works.
@@JackBlack-fs3so So easy they kill themselves left and right. Truly the universal sign of an easy life.
His resistance is really soul crushing.
He does seem comforted by his situation and I can see why. He avoids the possibility of rejection and that keeps him safe in many ways.
Depression is a powerful tool your brain employs to defend against outside influence, or even inside influence. It will radically distort your thinking because the brain is simply a tool to explain how you feel. All our issues and conditions and hopeless stems from this basic and tragic flaw in our survival systems.
@@themachine5647 at the same time we can't perceive happiness or comfort without a brain so you win some you lose some
never try, never fail
He's allowed to be alone! Relationships are rough! He and everyone will be happier..
@@christinehaley8097 but...he wasn't happy.
"Im not gonna label you an incel". Title says "Talking with an incel" LMAO
was thinking the same looool
Well, Dr. K didn't label him as an incel. Paul did it himself.
@@satyakisil9711 Then don't use it in the video to get views.
True, but either way he's getting the help he needs incel labeling or otherwise.
I get it, though. The online incel groups are not groups that many men would want to associate with despite technically fulfilling the definition of not being able to get a girl.
For the comments saying "there nothing special about Dr K's message, it's just common sense", fun fact: the therapist's job isn't to say groundbreaking stuff that's never ever been said before in the course of human history, but to illuminate the individual to the *finger quotes* "common sense" that he or she has been missing/denying/burying the whole time. And if you think common sense has no value because it's 'common', then you dont realize how the all the problems that shape us, cage us, and seem too big to fix in our lives all actually stem from the simplest of truths and failings in the human condition, that are universal in all of us.
Focusing on the 'end message' of a therapy/talk and ignoring the process that led to its realization is like going straight to the answer page at the back of a maths textbook instead of attempting the question, and scoffing "this is ridiculous, i could've solved it on my own". No, you, couldn't; lots of times people like you and me can't, that's why therapy's a thing. Otherwise, posters with motivational quotes alone would've saved all the lives and relationships on the planet, wouldn't they? Respect the process, the pple who walk it, and the pple who facilitate it.
I completely agree !
True, which is why sometimes you're very good at giving advice to other people but when it comes to yourself it seems like there's no helping it. Therapy gives you that 3rd person view of yourself to show angles you've never actually considered and while it does look obvious from the outside it doesn't look very clearly from the inside, hence the need for someone to talk to you about it.
That's exactly it. My uncle used to say to me all the time "there's no such thing as common sense, only learned sense."
This right here, should be top comment. No questions asked
Not to mention, oftentimes therapists/psychologists have some truly influential advice/perspectives/tools to offer people that aren’t common knowledge but *should* be. How many people have honestly self evaluated whether their self esteem is at a healthy level? How many people have checked whether they have internalized shame from early instances of rejection that were fundamental to their view of themselves? We know things as seemingly benign as a 2nd grade break up or a week of bullying or a parent missing their kid’s senior night can have a *monumental* impact on that person going forward, but because that kind of effect is often only centered around abuse or PTSD-level trauma, we subconsciously deny the impact less severe experiences could possibly have on our personalities bc that’s seen as weakness, which just solidifies that shame. Our brains didn’t evolve to have the answer for every damn problem/conflict in our lives, this is why psychologists need a decade of training, and even then not all of em have the best answers. But ironically in my anecdotal experience, it’s often the people who shit on therapy who are most in denial of how much they need it, I mean how do you convince someone the value in something like that of their brains wont even let them recognize the source of their issues? Love me some Brene Brown talks on the price of shame and the value of vulnerability, I’m praying our society has a mental health revolution in the near future cuz jesus do we need it
Paul is seriously brave coming on here and making himself vulnerable after so many shitty experiences.
@Einsatzgruppen B Watch the fucking video lmao
@@tupi9999 lmaooo
Yeah big props to him.
Been through like 5 therapists and the last one just refunded his money and said I'm giving up on you
@Vale Sauce No.
Haha I love the look Dr.K gave chat at 48:03 when his tactic of drinking water to get the guy talking worked!
THANK GOD SOMEONE ELSE CAUGHT IT. Truly a master at what he does.
Holy shit xD
The look he gives when it works is gold lol
Yeah that was elite, loved it.
Oh my word, whenever that realisation hit and he started laughing and crying I absolutely saw the change and I was crying along with him. It was hard to see when he couldn't see how beautiful that moment was
You mean this male feminist just gaslight this guy into blaming his thought process instead of actually getting to the root problem which is that he is ugly
He's still a balding, short, out-of-shape man already looking about touching 30 though. His "problem" of being involuntarily celibate won't fix itself! Not even he himself could fulfill such a tall order, looks and genetics matter, I know it hurts us humans deep down. Mother Nature is a cruel b****!
Probably couldn’t see the beauty due to alexithymia
Huh
I haven’t reached this part but it hurt my soul to see him constantly try to convince or “give evidence” he is hopeless
Guy: "No, I don't identify as an incel"
Doc: "You are not an incel"
Title: *TAlkING WiTH An iNceL*
Because there's no such thing as an incel, it's not involuntary. That's the thing.
@@ul4906 actually, there definitely is such a thing as incel. It's a whole community/ movement with their own ideologies that some people choose to become a part of. So while not being able to get laid is indeed involuntary, identifying yourself as an incel is definitely a choice.
@@Y0JA That backs up what I said, it's not involuntary, they choose to be an 'incel' (although they don't always understand that)
@@ul4906 Has anything ever been involuntary besides dying?
@@JrIcify Living?
I can already see how he thinks about himself from this hour and a half interaction.
- He hates himself
- He thinks he doesn't deserves to be with anyone
- He sees himself as a loser
- He is socially anxious
- He has a hard time listening because he is too busy to think of something next
- He is defensive(Probably was bullied by parents or classmates)
- Overthinker(That's how you can tell he is smart but he needs to apply his thoughts outside of his head)
- Afraid of what others think of him
- Lacking confidence
- He thinks he is stupid
You can tell under that hate he is a sweet person, smart, understanding, and a good person.
Probably just had too many traumatic experiences that weakened his spirit.
This man does not need a woman. This man needs help in learning how to love himself.
Why did you need to call me out like that.. 🤡😂😂🤯.
@Tiny Little Boy ur comment describes me :X
Assertive training
So he should be a Virgin his whole life.
Wow that list is me, and you're right, I desperately need to learn to love myself
The resistance he has to everything is immense. It's really unfortunate but also personally eye opening. But thank you Paul for sharing and being vulnerable in front of everyone.
If you accept what you’re being told immediately then you open up thoughts of doubt to what you were told in the future. It’s best to address all arguments right then and there
I know this was posted 3 years ago and that there are almost 0 chances of Paul reading this but I wanted to thank him for doing this. I relate to him and I've learnt a lot about myself. BIG THANKS! 💖
My key take-away was K's point on "noticing is what leads to control" and his point on "despair is protective".
I've literally noticed myself being illogical with self-loathing, and I've perpetually been unable to stop it. So, a recent solution I've tried (before watching any of Dr. K) is to notice that I am being illogical and then proceeding to despair. I think to myself "I will now feel bad because my brain is refusing to respond to reason." And while I do feel somewhat bad, the stress relief almost overwhelms it. Without getting into why there's stress relief there, Dr K's point on despair being protective resonates with that.
I still don't know how to get my brain to stop vehemently rejecting self-love. There's no logic there. It's not doing what I want. I can't control it. But I can deflect it. I can intentionally feel despair. How I replace that despair with hope? I'd really like to know.
@@Mathignihilcehkwhat does hope mean to you? Because for me right now it seems like you are hoping to overcome despair, so I would say you are on the right path.
@@caiquefreitas544 In this case, hope is believing that I will be valuable someday. My issue is not that I intellectually reject my own value. It’s my subconscious.
And as of yesterday, coincidentally, I realized my subconscious will actualize itself eventually. And has already been progressing towards that for at least a decade.
You know… this answers so many questions about my nature. It’s absurd that I never saw this. Literally, my entire worldview hinges on my lack of self worth.
I always knew I had problems with my views on my self worth. But the impact was lost on me. I thought I had it under control. I just occasionally made stupid decisions. Nah. Each and every one of those decisions was a result of my core subconscious beliefs. Nothing was an accident.
This is truly a new paradigm for me. I had been living my life thinking I had a broken controller. Nah. Self destruct mode was turned on. I still have no idea how to turn it off. But now I know the controls work.
Will this have any impact on feeling worthless? Probably not. Could this have an impact on me intentionally making my life worthless? Yes. That’s progress!
This guy is a legend for opening up to such a big crowd and allowing people to learn from it.
seriously. So difficult. Bravo to him.
A hostile and skeptical legend for Dr. K to talk to. But legend nonetheless.
@Drink Water why tho? I'm not saying there aren't people playing a losing game they don't understand.
But why play the game?
@Drink Water Sounds pathetic
@Drink Water ???? feelings matter too, that's just as real
dude’s first 4 experiences with therapy were shitty and he *still* tried again? Good for him man wow, i work with clinically depressed patients who have therapist horror stories and it’s tragic how influential just one bad first impression with therapy can be. Giving this another chance is an amazing example to set for others, i really hope ppl watch this and realize how important it is to find a therapist that fits
I can totally relate as I've had similar experiences with therapists with one of them similarly telling me I'm hopeless and he can't help. After 3 tries I stopped going and thought therapies are just scams. I was way more skeptical watching this than Paul was and by the end of it I was more than impressed by Dr K. I guess I just went to bad therapists and should try again
ppdashing i’m so sorry those therapists let you down. I have a friend who deals with the classic “Drs don’t believe black women” problem where one doc told her her problems would be solved if she lost weight, and another quack who said in their first session that he thought she had DID aka Multiple Personality Disorder when really he just wanted to be her long term doc so he could hit on her every time. She finally found a good therapist who diagnosed her with PTSD and got her on the right treatment course but i mean fk man it still haunts me to think she might not be alive today if she ran into one more bad psych. Anyway damn i’m really glad my lil comment resonated with you and others, really wish you good luck in finding a therapist that fits your needs. psychologytoday.com has “find therapists near me” tool that’s been helpful to me for anyone interested. ☮️
jewboy “talk about problems like fucking woman would”?.... Thats a very concerning sentence you got there, I hope you can find what you are looking for in life, and will be happy real soon
i mean, therapy is and always will be a scam and people who attend those are literally braindead subhumans
Filip Radić now this, this mindset has got to be some 4chan meme level shit like hot damn, I aint biting on this one
The moment he laughed at the hopelessness was so sweet:') I immediately cried cuz I felt so proud of him to acknowledge how stupid it is and that it's possible to make it silly
Teehee
teehee indeed@@icomefromoogaboogaland
Sex is exploited to sell everything, but women got men over barrel and the law can get u by the 🏀
@@icomefromoogaboogalandUnhinged response lol
@@kiiseanrobinson5084😂😂
That was awesome. That laughing/crying breakthrough set off the same reaction in me, and my opinion of him switched immediately from exasperation at his squirreliness and resistance and obstinacy to genuine love and appreciation and hope for the man. I really, really hope he’s doing well
hes coping hard bro
Mad respect for this guy for coming and talking with Dr K. Im sure this conservation helped many people.
takes some balls
u mean conversation not conservation right?
its the aoe healing brother, THE AOE HEALING!
thanks paul.
But Paul have you tried magic mushrooms.
My god. He's in an abusive relationship with himself! He's so attached to hating himself. Poor guy.
what happens when the news says white man bad for 7 years lmfao
@@lafondawilliams “muhhhh white people so oppressed muhhhhhh”
@@zeltzamer4010 cringe
@@zeltzamer4010 He's right though. Guys like these are told by the media that men, particularly white men, are bad and should feel bad. So whatever issues he has internally get confirmed by all kinds of sources.
@Mannech It's literally not just those things. For example, there are college courses in my country (canada) that teach white guilt as curriculum, in addition to "male privilege" etc.
Also, are you suggesting you know everything about paul because of an hour and a half interview? Cause I'm not. I'm just suggesting that there is external influences that affect his pre existing core beliefs about himself.
Dr. K., watching you is like watching a once in a lifetime master performing his craft. It's utterly fucking incredible. And no this isn't hyperbole. I've seen countless therapists over the decades, I've had conversations with plenty of friends and family, none of our experiences have been NOTHING like the folks you interview. You make insane breakthroughs in around an hour or so. Some therapists might take months, years, or never get that achieved for their patients. I can't wait to see you help more people. Watching has become my new favorite pass time, and it's even helping me too. Thank you Dr. K., keep it up!
So how did he exactly help this man? Just make him cry once and that is it? He STILL 100% does not have a relationship in his life and probably never will. Man istg people like this Indian and other grifters are the worst capitalizing on emotions of the lonely insecure men. It is just pathethic.
I agree with this!
I love how this guy actually talks back.
I think some therapists would just give up, and one actually did, but to a masterclass one like Alok, this just feeds him info.
Honesty is key.
This was good.
(also wtf how is this bro overweight?)
Lol right ? He does not appear overweight at all in this vid and if he is, he's not enormously obese or unable to get a gf due to weight issues. That's a complete fallacy, in my opinion. But obviously, he discovered as much through Dr. K. Lol
"Do we have enough time to do what?" "Well t-to fix me" this hits hard. He thinks there's something's fundamentally wrong with him
Paul struck me as struggling with coping and recognizing his emotions overall. The good thing is that one can learn to improve it. Keep it up, Paul.
Nothing wrong with him, its the world around him thats f**ked.
@卐 Maison des Aryens 卍 ok. So?
@@jasigana8900 Most men are ugly while being bald. Unless they have a bone structure like Jeremy Meeks which this man doesn't. It's over for him.
@@Chicodon008 Will it be more difficult than if he wasn't bald? Sure. Does that make it impossible? Of course not.
the fact that this is on youtube for free is amazing lol
Would you pay to watch it?
mandokir yea
@@mandokir people pay to go to a therapist.
@CJ Ransome
But he didn't believe in himself. This is a process of identifying a problem that is creating a negative situation so that the afflicted individual can work to improve themselves. "Believe in youself" is the main message of any therapist, whether you pay for them or not.
@CJ Ransome Well it's not JUST believe in yourself. It's to recognise that you aren't controlled purely by the negative thoughts about yourself. Stepping back and seeing that the emotions are part of your body, not the "YOU" you identify as/strive to be, and there are so many experiences that affect your mindstate. The some-scars that rise up to tell you you aren't worthy, to say you're not able and capable. To catch them and feel them and think about where they come from. Are you feeling unhealthy and lazy? See that you're unhealthy, see that you're being lazy. Then work hard at changing that. Step by step, little by little. There's no JUST DO IT like nike says.. get help to do it. Find ways to learn how to deal with the problems in your life by talking to the people who care about you... doesn't have to be someone close it could be a complete stranger.... I care enough to type out this longass message because I care enough to hope to make a difference. I know that I'm great, smart and good-looking. I don't see it all the time and sometimes all I can see are the failures.. well I've been learning to try and step back and change something about it. It doesn't always work like this morning I was glued to my bed again.. but I told my friends a few weeks ago that I needed help to get out and they call me in the morning if they haven't heard from me and that snaps me out of it. Went for a walk and it made my day. Make changes. It's hard. It hurts.. it hurts more to stay where you are and it'll hurt more the longer you do.
Tbh this is the kind of guy I would date. Brave, smart, has sense of humour, seems like a good person, nerdy looking. There’s always people for us out there. We re 8 billion peeps
I would date him too but I'm gay
Tbh same. He reminds me of a guy I used to work with who I had a massive crush on.
Started watching this for entertainment, realised I somewhat relate to it. And in the end it STRUCK. All my life I've been living with concern that I'll never be "normal", won't be able to work properly and have a family because I'm lazy and constantly ill. All those years thinking it's a rational thought, only now I've realised it's just what my mind was told to believe by others! I can provide and care for myself just fine, and I don't have to have my home perfectly clean and shining just to be "normal". It's fine. And I know I have a way to live successful life, even if it doesn't match my mother's standart. Me being abnormal was just a thought all along
Damn dog, just reading that comment was therapeutic to me 😂
Happy for you :)
Holy Shit! Thanks for that ❤️
Dude same! 💖
Listening to Paul's over analysis is painful & awkward...because he sounds exactly like my self talk.
He just lack confidence that's all.
@Tinny Foiler yes really lol. i know some people like this and it can be frustrating as hell.
hyun ass
I spoke the same way with my friends I've made from a kind of "self growth" college club the first time we've met. Super defensive because I didn't want to seem vulnerable.
@@aDriveAway You do realize your own comment is just a projection, your projection. The hypocrisy is hilarious.
This guy seems uncomfortable whenever he hears “I agree”. Whenever his personal mindset is affirmed, it seems to shatter his internal monologue of feeling worthless and unlikeable. It also speaks volumes that he argues with GG whenever he just repeats what Paul is telling him. He knows it’s his own words but he doesn’t like them. He also doesn’t like the way they sound coming from other people because he hears how he is being perceived so he tries to change it really quickly. He is hyper aware of how he thinks other people see him (he thinks they see him negatively) and that’s his main problem. Like, fix that, and you’re golden . I hope he’s doing better!!
Wow you said it perfectly
People see him negatively because they treat him negatively. He's ugly and weak and others treat him like a punching bag and you say the problem is with him. The problem is with others who choose to feel good by making others feel bad. The real problem is others choosing to treat him like dirt and insult him for no reason and put him down for no reason to feel better about themselves. There's a lot of that going on. Most people accept and love and praise it, when it happens to others. They curse it when it happens to them, but they praise it when it happens to others. You see people who have no reason to hurt others and who've been pampered all of their lives displaying absolute cruelty for no reason. Being spoiled makes you more evil than the opposite does. A lot of people need to suffer more, not less. They need misery, not happiness. You get too much happiness, you turn into a spoiled brat that loses free will that Satan can easily use as a puppet to hurt the innocent and the orphaned and the damned to make you look bad in front of god and get god to abandon you so that Satan can torture you forever. A lot of people are going to be tortured by Satan forever for what they've allowed themselves to do to god and to others who they should've had more empathy for instead of insulting and putting down every chance they got for no reason other than because it felt good to them during the moment, for five seconds, or ten. People would subject you to a life of torment for five seconds of feel-good feelings; that's how useless people are. They'll never admit it. And they don't need to. They've already lost everything. They're just not smart enough to have figured it out yet. They'll figure it out once they die and meet Satan. Then they'll figure out why it's wrong to torture others for no reason, and it'll be too late for them to do anything about it. And they'll cry out for mercy, and mercy won't come. And they'll cry out to god and god won't hear them. People forget that when you torture someone for no reason you're torturing god for no reason and that god will never love you again once you torture him for no reason too much. Just because you aren't in jail doesn't mean you don't deserve to suffer. Plenty of people aren't in jail who torture others for no reason day in and day out. People think there's no justice because there's no justice in this world. That foolish notion will finally be corrected when they die and figure out that justice isn't in this world but in hell.
@@aquilo1714 What people need is not suffering, but understanding. Experiencing different forms of suffering can increase empathy and make it easier to understand, but that lack of understanding is the core issue. And it's not that people are "not smart enough" to figure out that actions have consequences, it's that their wealth of experience tells them otherwise. Increasing accountability among the wealthy by better legislation and political involvement to that end can help reduce the number of people who don't learn that actions have consequences. Improving education and teaching your children to care about others and aim to understand also helps.
Dishing out suffering to privileged people shouldn't be the first thing you think to do. Please try to be less spiteful, more understanding and more loving.
"... Love your enemies, ..." (Matthew 5:44)
@@aquilo1714 The idea that God will "never love you again once you torture him for no reason too much" is also a limitation I wouldn't apply to God.
Squirrely as fuck haha
this was profoundly beautiful, it made me cry. to see this man who is so clearly burdened have a genuine and carefree laugh, therapy is such beautiful work. im so happy for him, and i hope thats hes working towards finding someone.
I remember when I used to be like Paul, believing my unconscious thoughts without noticing them, so I was completely controlled by them. The first step was noticing my thoughts, second step was realizing they are not the truth. It also helped to unravel where they all originated from, especially the critical, unhelpful ones. It's taken years, but I'm no longer being controlled by my unconscious programming. It feels great to be free. This was an absolute joy to watch, seeing Paul's break through and pure emotion had me laughing and crying along with him.
But how can u be so sure it's not the truth? I have these negative thoughts and I've considered its maybe just my brain but I'm convinced they're real.
@@aseed89 Because every time I did an investigation, I found no actual evidence that what I was thinking was true, or likely to happen. What I found was a lot of lies and manipulation from my childhood, which had been used to control me. It comes from fear based control, and it works very well. Someone else has managed to convince you that your negative thoughts are based in reality, but take a good look, search for some evidence for yourself, every time, ask yourself 'is this true', and unless you can find absolute solid evidence that it is, you are safe to ignore your negative thoughts and feelings.
@aseed89 what worked for me was imagining if my closest friend or my Grandma/grandpa (someone who lives u) would say that about me. 99% of the time they wouldn't, so it's just the intrusive thoughts
boi's got a REALLY clean kitchen.
Lmaooooo
Look carefully! His sink is full of dishes!
@@ChoobChoob likely aired in the evening so maybe he had dinner before..
Yes, it is to attract a lone Trad Woman into his habitat. It's a mating call called The Kitchen Posturing. What a fascinating creature..
Thats what zero pussy does to a guy
Dude's like the minister of defence in the beginning.
Ram Kumar ye he should be a boxer with those dodges
LMAO
yeah very painful to watch but thats the problem with people who think that they are smart
you can be smart all you want and have no clue about whats happening with your emotional side
GongsunXin like Dr. K said, the smarter you are, the harder it is to overcome cognitive biases .
This was 3 years ago. I'd be interested in a follow up with Paul. If this had any tangible impact on his life. I don't struggle with the same issue but I find that I can hear a literal tailored solution to my problems but when it comes to applying them im lost.
I can't believe Dr K got so many rejections from med school. He's so incredible and he's helped me so much in the few weeks I've been following him. With the amount he's helped people I'm so glad he didn't give up and I feel like those med schools must've been insane to reject him! But that's such a good example of how one could form an idea of oneself, like so many people would think they just aren't cut out for medicine.
Also reminds me I know a friend who had to do her driver's license test 6 times before she passed but she got there, she just kept trying and going for it.
People like him often face the most rejections from institutions, because they go against the normal and do things differently.
I am the same. After 25 years of being a virgin I decided that may be not everyone in this world will get a partner. So I decided that romantic love is not for me and accepted it. I started to love life itself, love everyone and anyone I meet with all my heart. I am not even looking for it but somehow I met my girlfriend.
That’s the attitude! :) It’s hard to love someone who’s bitterly cursing the universe for not handing them a significant other. It’s easy to love someone who, even when dealt a bad hand, shows love and kindness to others.
ANNNNND thats exactly how it happens ! Congratulations (honestly).
You mature along the way and become a better more responsible , mentally healthier person and women perk right up and notice you in a good light .
Thats exactly how it works. Aside from certain niche types, like macho guys and bitchy girls, "looking for a girlfriend" doesnt work if youre not extremely socially skilled, charismatic etc. Happiness is attraction. Passion is attraction. Interest in things and the world is attraction. Being focused on yourself and finding what you love doing will inevitably lead to people being attracted to you. Learning how to be happy by yourself and be independant will not only make your entire life better by itself, but its also the only way to have a healthy relationship that will last.
"Why is he so happy? I gotta know! Wow he seems so passionate about this subject, it looks like this guy is a doer... and even though i have no idea what hes talking about, it seems so interesting when he talks about it, when he shows it to me. He makes me feel like things are going to be okay, he got a grip on his life but still knows how to make light of things or take things easy when its appropriate."
Every time i got together with a woman it was always during times i was not looking for one and i wasnt trying to get with girls, but just focus on my own life and just try to have fun with people otherwise. The rest is simply a matter of time and place. When you dont try to be fun (too hard), you will most of the time be fun. And the best part about it is, the women i got together with where all truly amazing people. And surprisingly often way too pretty for me too. Im not ugly, but some of these women were out of my league looks wise. But it didnt matter. I was not into cars or soccer. I was into a lot of nerdy stuff, but i also liked sports and was always athletic. Physical attraction is important too. Take care of yourself and get comfortable with moving. It can only benefit you in all areas, and you cant expect someone to be physically attracted to you when your stomach sticks out twice than your chest and youre covered in greasy hair all over. You dont need to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chris Hemsworth either, but this is again a good base not just for relationships and women, but for yourself aswell. The rest is as i said above.
@@stylishskater92That was so autistic to read
@Professor Waffle "love everyone and anyone I meet"
That statement implies he was socializing. He means you don't hold it as a central ideal.
I was once in a relationship with a man who kept suggesting that I didn't like him. I couldn't convince him otherwise. I liked and loved him but I could never convince him.
Too bad he didn't have Dr. K's help
@@cleverman383 I could have used Dr. K's help at that point myself!
I had a similar experience. It was really hard. I was so genuinely into that man, but he met everything with self loathing. I could never convince him either.
Did you try opening your legs?
I was that guy in that situation. Its a defensive mechanism that you won't live up to your partners expectations, and would rather put your walls up to soften the blow in the event that a part of you, which you disdain would be revealed and ruin what you have. As someone who has had difficulties being my worst enemy. You really try your hardest to present the best side of yourself to the person you are in a relationship with, but when that someone thinks you are great you get an instant feeling of (Guilt?) That you are hiding who you really are. So instead you infer that you don't really like me, only the part i'm choosing to show you.
Its a self fulfilling prophecy. You are scared revealing yourself flaws and all will change the way they look at you thus dooming the relationship, so you close yourself off and dooms it anyway. But at least it was your choice and you weren't crushed by someone you care about when your weakness is shown.
It comes from a place of hurt/confusion. Blaming yourself for not being good enough in past events with ones childhood (at least for me). It's not an easy thing to fix. Sorry you had to go through that and I hope that man is doing better.
After watching this session, I am left speechless at how good Dr. K is. I knew a person like this and tried to help him, of course I didn't know how much fucking help he would need, because then I wouldn't have even tried. I'm just a normal person and it took more than an hour for Dr. K to just slightly change this man, and I thought back then I could do something. No way. Mad respect for Dr. K's work. I think what he does is a truly beautiful thing, that actually made me cry tears of happiness a little bit.
I'm rooting for this guy!!! He is not bad-looking and has a great apartment. Good communication skills. Intelligent and has a sense of humor. I hope he was helped by this interview. Best wishes from the US.
He is bad looking... like if we were judging his SMV he is a 1-2-3 tops! Thats an impossible road to hoe! We call them sub 5s & its a dark community. You are just being polite, women are not tho...
@@Scotty_Bo0mgah damn the black pill gurus are here to puke out their gay ideology. Lemme communicate to you in looksmax brain rot terminology. He is probably a 5/10 in general. Using the PSL scale is useless because his competition isn’t going to be “PSL GODS”, it’s going to be average joes who are either in the same position as him or have softmaxed. He’s basically got everything like finance stability and communication in check. All he needs to do is soft max maybe and not doubt himself. He is definitely not a truecel, and by your racist community standards, he has the jbw pill down.
Would you date him
I did not expect to connect with Paul the way I did. I ended up liking him in the first 15 minutes despite his slippery attitude, and cried along w him. Buddy, I hardly know you but im so proud.
i disliked him greatly but i believe it's because of how much he reminded me of myself. i kept watching because this type of advice Dr. K is giving, no matter how hard it is to watch, is going to be beneficial to me.
i think he's the type of guy who is afraid to be true to himself and feel loved, probably because of past trauma. his slippery attitude is kinda annoying, but you can recognize the man under that shell and it's a beautiful person. he just needs to crack the egg and discover himself.
I've been utterly laid bare by-the idea that hopelessness is a protective mechanism. never understood it until just this moment.
Mhmm. I do it too. Hurts to hope y’know? Can’t fall if you’re already 6 feet down, right? Can’t fly either but why would you want to, right?
It’s a hard mindset to get out of, but it’s not impossible
@@EtamirTheDemiDeer its interesting because I am in the total opposite of the spectrum. I am way too hopeful but my boyfriend has the same mindset as you guys… is there a way I can get to understand and help him get out of that mindset?
I feel that he grounds my feet down to earth so that helps me be realistic, but I also would love for him to have hope for the best outcome, because it helps on the long run… I think.
@@kassyyar97 wow that was 10 months ago. Time flies, huh? Lemme tell you, a lot has changed. Every situation is different, but I'd say the biggest thing is being there
For me, that mindset was a defense mechanism. Still is. But I finally left my abusive home situation, which was the cornerstone for the beginning of my healing. My person was there for me through all of it. You sound a lot like them.
They let me cry and go in circles, they let me laugh and be honest. They loved me. And I loved them. Calling them 'my light in the darkness' or saying 'they gave me hope' feels a little trite but it's the truth.
Now, you have to be aware of how much you're carrying too. You can't "fix people" and I know that's not what you're saying, I just want to be careful with what I say. Love does not cure all, sometimes love isn't enough. I'd say a lot of times love isn't enough, certainly wasn't for my folks. To me, love is communication, sometimes uncomfortable but necessary communication. Love is a choice. But... they make it an easy one
You are the only thing you have control over. You can inspire and encourage change in someone, but ultimately it's up to them.
For me, there was a little seed buried 6 feet down, one I'd forgotten about, one that I'd tried to kill. It took both of us nurturing it for it to bloom. I'm still rooted in the ground, but I can finally feel the sun on my petals and the breeze through my leaves. And when another storm or fire comes, I know I can grow again
@@EtamirTheDemiDeer I am so happy you found someone who gave you hope for the future! Once you reach bottom there’s no way but up, so please dont give up!
He told me once that he is worried that his attitude and personality may annoy me or drag me down… so it would be best for me to just leave him…
Honestly that hurt me, because he thinks way too lowly of himself… It hasnt taken a toll on me as of yet, but I know that everyone has its limits, even myself.
We met each other in a point of growth, specially for him. He is trying to work hard on himself and this is just the beginning, I promised I would encourage him and listen to him through it all. I am planning on keeping that promise as long as he doesnt give up.
I can already see a long road ahead of ourselves but I am sure it will be worth it in the future!
This was really moving. I truly felt for paul, and was devastated to hear the earlier therapist pre-emptively gave up on him. The little breakthrough he had which caused him to laugh and cry moved me to tears too. I'm eager to hear about how he's doing now.
Massive hats off to Dr K, man am I glad I watched this video, far too many times have I watched videos taking a dump on lonely men without actually extending a helping hand to see that their world is a world of constant torture, and just the act of a pure smile doesn't exist
1:17:01 That part, man. When he started crying and laughing at the same time, I literally clapped out of joy.
He was finally showing authentic feelings, after a whole hour of Dr. K confronting him with his own mind's trappings.
This is a good start.
"This is a good start."
EXACTLY!!! I see a lot of doubters with the same issues saying Dr. K "didn't really help him" here. This is the start. The first fork in the road from a journey. A long journey that was colored by hopelessness for well over a decade. It's the same journey, he's still on it, but he finally had a fork in the road. You don't get to a better place without a fork in the road. This is good. He may still have a journey ahead of him. All the work isn't done yet. I believe in him though. This is FAR more progress than people unfamiliar with how the mind truly works could ever understand. If anyone thinks this was a bullshit session: "That is why you fail".
He thought his life was a tragedy but he realized it's actually a comedy.
I was cheering as well thinking about how he was processing everything and realizing he was essentially self sabotaging himself the whole time based on “evidence” he kept collecting and would also go out looking for. Which I think is the answer for why he didn’t fully give up, and would keep going to bars and clubbing m, and try speed dating, so he could add more to his confirmation bias of “I keep trying but it just doesn’t work for me”
@@DropIt56 I jump of my chair, fist in the air and a big smile on my face cheering for this dude and Dr.K. This interview was an experience man.
that was such a beautiful moment
This guy is so insanely good at backtracking through a conversation.
Pretty sure he notes some points down
Nicholas tornak
@@nicholas1867 that's the tough part... knowing what to take note of.
@@meetlawf3238 basically advanced real-time critical thinking
@@randomguyonstreet586 a skill lost on most people in the modern age sadly
You are one of the most talented therapists I have ever seen. You are downright inspiring.
im a girl and this talk helped also me a lot, i love the fact that this can be universal for a lot of people
Could you share more of your perspective?
@@RealLifeIronMan It doesent matter. None of this applies to women.
@@kennen1171 Incel moment
@@kuto0987 piss off
@@kennen1171 Why not? Women can struggle with finding a boyfriend too. For example, the guys I like will never like me back because I'm not attractive and it hurts a little bit.
Dr. K was absolutely fucking brilliant here. Staying objective when I was yelling at the TV for paul to listen, identifying his core issue VERY QUICKLY (one hour is HUGE for someone who can't figure it out for a decade) and being COMPASSIONATELY DIRECT.
As a relationship coach this is like watching lionel messi dribble past 10 players and score a bicycle kick. For an hour straight. Repetitively. I had to pause and celebrate each moment.
He is a true inspiration, and I wish the best for Paul.
Friendly correction; I think you mean repeatedly and not repetitively :)
brilliant in what sense? did he win a debate? good for him. but the more important question is: did the incel guy's dating life change for the better after they had this debate? doubtful it did. "as a relationship coach" - are you a PUA scammer btw.?
@@InimicusTuus what's that?
@@Dave_of_Mordor someone who teaches PUA.
@@InimicusTuus Idk what that is
Dr K:
"It's not about getting an A, it's about studyin as hard as u can
It's not about loosing weight, it's about doing 10 pushups everyday
It's not about finding a girlfriend, it's about working on yourself and letting go of the hopelessness that u feel
It's about improving your own life
focus on you, and doing what you want to
that's the goal"
subscribed.
Yes, not having a girlfriend is not the "problem," but merely a symptom of underlying issues.
Lol then you get older and if you aren't financially stable you get fucked because you have no kids to take care of you, stfu... You are either blue pill or red pill, although red is technically better
As far as accolades go I would say consumer culture says it is about "Those things"
@@Bennahr_Fett But it’s not about the accolades, that’s the point. The feeling of not accomplishing something is bad, but the lack of hope of ever being able to accomplish something, paired with the feeling that you’re not doing anything to accomplish that thing is much, much worse.
@@iurigrang Dude no one is negating that.
This guy seems like such a sweetheart. I hope he's feeling happier now.
So, would you date him or would you rather stay friends?
@@IsUserADuckMaybe instead of expecting empathy to turn into sexual or romantic feelings, just accept it as what it is. The ability to feel someone’s pain and want to see them be happy.
@@ambo9569 sure, empathy for this guy, snu snu for Chad.
@@IsUserADuck your question is perfect. Someone feeling bad for the guy and saying beautiful words, but doing nothing about him... In the end, it's almost the same feelings he already feels of rejection and not being enough.
I hope some girl reach (reached) him through this video, if I was an girl into man at least would try send something to see...
@@IsUserADucknot calling sex “snu snu” would be a good start for you brother
Genuine laughter is a huge turn-on for me. It inspires this level of happiness and hope in me every single time I hear it. Especially from strangers!
Only from good looking guy
@@VijayThakurMDbro what???
@@VijayThakurMDFalse. Stop projecting and seek help.
After just 30 minutes, I can hear that this guy is me to a scary degree. The skepticism that he can be helped, the hanging out in bars because it's what "normal" people do, despite hating every second of it, the overanalysing every single thing anyone says to him. All me 100%. Plus the virgin thing, too I guess.
The idea that telling myself I'm hopeless is conforting, because having hope not work out is too painful is so spot on. That's the real pearl of wisdom here!
People using bars or nightclubs to find a significant other are looking at the wrong places. Usually it's a friend of a friend, at church (or similar places with social activities such as a sport/volunteering) or someone you met during your school/Uni years. Sometimes at your job too but less common. The reason for that is because you actually get to know them properly since you have to interact and that's where interest can grow healthy. In night clubs or bars, it's just if you look hot and have confidence... even then all you're getting is a one night stand.
Dating apps fall in line with clubs and bars since they can be just as shallow.
Same!
And I have immense respect for any adult who’s a virgin, whether involuntarily or not.
There are a lot of people who wish they didn’t give it away so quickly/before a committed marriage.
Imagine your spouse saved themselves and kept their body pure JUST for YOU! No potential STDs, no unplanned/unwanted children, and no constant fear that they’re comparing you to a previous romp or ex. Just enjoying each other as it should be. 😌
Some of the most toxic narcissistic men I’ve ever met are the typical Chads who boast about their “body count” like it’s something to be proud of. It grosses me out and evokes fear in me and pity for them.
@@jessitabonita it’s more about the emotional connection with the person.
Your virginity is not something bad, it's not a burden. The more sexual partners one has before marriage, the more likely they'll divorce. Why is that? Because when you get used to sex outside the proper time and place, sex outside the proper time and place becomes almost natural, then when you get into a marriage you never learned the discipline necessary for marriage and you more easily slip up and commit adultery. Promiscuity is a trap which breaks you and your ability to romantically relate, commit and build trust. It's possible for people who are used to sex before marriage to break the habit and escape the trap, but it's more difficult, it's a longer road for them. _That_ is a burden, not virginity, and you're saving yourself from that burden.
@@MutohMech 👏👏👏 Agreed! Very well written. It trains a person to basically be adulterous & impulsive, rather than faithful & self-controlled. It leads to nothing but spiritual destruction. 💔
God bless you with even more wisdom. 💛
I do not know if this is something you can generalize, but I feel like there is a lot of value in the talks with people who aren't streamers. It might attract a smaller audience, but I feel like most of the "streamer issues" are less universal/relatable. I know they each have different backstories and different issues, but a broader field is just gonna cover more issues people can relate to and will help more people to find the issues they themselves have in others.
only reason Dr K is getting more audience is interviewing the likes of reckful etc. Not everyone knows him but yes i agree.
This stream had more viewers than the big streamers during that same week.
I have found the streamer videos more helpful than random people. I am just an average guy and a lot of the streamer issues hit home to me. Streamers are just people doing a different job that doesn't mean they are not human with very relatable problems.
"edit" Commented before I watched and Dr K said exactly what I was saying but better in the first 10 mins of the video. People are just people not a class ect.
"edit 2" Watching more into this another reason I think streamers help me is that they are use to talking all the time on stream. "average joes" like me get flustered and lost easier which watching someone else like that can make it hard for me to watch and absorb the information.
nah more like you can reap more revenue to people who can relate to the issue at hand
I feel like people who go to the twitch channel are looking for those big names to be on. However, I mostly catch healthy gamer on TH-cam, and this attracts me more than him talking to other streamers. I feel like this would be good for the TH-cam audience, while the big streamers would be for the twitch audience
Dr K, I’ve watched a many counselors and religious and spiritual priests give advice and must say I’m extremely impressed by your patience and to nail down this persons thinking process so precisely. It was done kindly and compassionately. Skillful means. Thank you for allowing us to watch this process. You have a gift.
Not going to lie, three years later and I hope this man's breakthrough has improved his life. Made me tear up a bit watching it.
Same
@@VioletEmeraldnothing improved bc the problem is not him…it’s just women who are very selective when it comes to looks. Of course he can find a relationship if he’s willing to pay her bills and that stuff but that ain’t a good relationship where ur being used for money. The best advice woulda been for him to go overseas but of course dr k cannot say that bc he has to be politically correct
@@laptopstudy3279 you're acting like being in a relationship has a very high bar for looks, it really doesn't. overweight people get relationships, ugly people get relationships, balding people get relationships.
@@codenamepyro2350 i just said that read my comment again.
@@laptopstudy3279 it's like you didn't watch the video
Not even joking. When he cried at the sheer thought of being without hopelessness and a woman smiling it him, it was honestly one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
Seeing Dr. K brightly smiling and lighting up every time his "patient" builds blockades and shows defensive mechanism is beautiful.
It's like he is solving a puzzle and every time he "gets a piece" right he gets really hyped up about it.
I am happy that he is good at his job AND enjoying it!
This is all true. He's also basically a sociopath lol. I mean, maybe not in a bad way.
@@Bauernade Where did he talk about this? I'm curious about it and I'm new around here :) A link or video title would be really appreciated!
@@ket1507 th-cam.com/video/Hv-gxF7qoOI/w-d-xo.html
@@threadEvent Dr. K is a sociopath? I think you mixed up the definition of it: "A sociopath is a term used to describe someone who has an antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). People with ASPD can’t understand others’ feelings. They’ll often break rules or make impulsive decisions without feeling guilty for the harm they cause."
That does not seem like Dr. K or any psychiatrist.
Yea, it’s a subtle interpersonal thing, your brain sees someone smile and it determines that person is not a threat
As someone in pre med currently to be a psychiatrist, this was incredible, uplifting, and inspired even more drive than I have had in the past. THIS is what I want to be able to do for people.
You've changed his life in an hour an 15 minutes
I'm crying
This is so inspiring and amazing to watch
His laugh is so fun and relieving to hear, and it's so clear when he first laughs authentically, and immediately constrains himself, and then slowly opens up
Wow
> You've changed his life in an hour an 15 minutes
How would _you_ know?
@@mandokir Well look at him wdym
@@lizardltd7647 Delusional
BS
@@cristianm7097 What's BS?
That he changed his life? That I'm crying? That it's inspiring to watch?
I love this convo. Not just some comfortable chat. They were really challenging each other.
Only for the first ~15 minutes. After that equal conversation ended and for merely an hour there was only K and his script. Then he got tired and forced ending by discovering weak spot, crushing it and yelling at man. Hitting next weak spot (no one smiled him back on speeddating?) breaks him. Literaly lvl2 vs lvl10. With the proper "gg ez" (1:13:22) and "This one was pathetic, bring me the real one" (1:38:25)
@@user-uh2ps4ze9k mmm, interesting take. He is a TH-camr after all, so he probably does like the sound of his own voice 😂 (not a criticism)
I’m not a therapist, so I might be talking crap, but I guess the question is whether this was good for the patient, or just good for views.
I'm finding this convo so jarring, only a little bit in... but the guy seems sweet hope he can meet a nice girl 👧 💓💜🏳️🌈
DR K and his comforting lies that won't help for shit in the real world... this guy can't even get a tinder match...A GF is beyond hopeless
@@jcransome5616 are you suggesting that getting a tinder match is easy?
I appreciate this guy so much bc he was so willing to state his skepticism even on a broadcast. I know exactly how it feels to have this many doubts, not feel like it’s getting anywhere, frustration at the therapist for seemingly circular dialogue, among other things. I feel like so many people would just pretend to fully accept what the therapist was saying but this guy voiced his skepticism, and was rigid in making sure he didn’t just give a big flashy show for the channel or anything. I really wish him the best going forward and I hope he comes back on
man this resistance. But you know you found a good therapist when they identify this on the first session. Is like, finally someone that can make you understand.
Agreed. I would probably pretend to agree with the therapist when I probably didn't really.
He was being authentic to himself.. I respect that
Yeah, I would've just nodded and rushed to get off the line. I'm so glad I got to see the benefit of actually verbalizing concerns, skepticism, questions.
That was amazing. Seeing the information come full circle on him over and over and then the laugh/cry. There were so many emotions that battled in that moment and you saw the pure essence of pain, buried happiness and the beginning of healing. STEP ONE COMPLETE!
Man I almost cried. 1:17:00 was a beautiful moment truly
Kinda gay
@@Cateater123 average sigma male🤡🤡
If it was like it was for me for this guy, it was really painful. But it will benefit him. I'm glad he experienced it. It's like mind surgery while mind can't be anesthesised.
Sounded like hysteria to me, maybe hopelessness
favorite exchange:
"Paul, are you a smart guy? It's not a trick question."
"How would I know?"
"THE ANSWER IS FUCKIN' YES!"
so american
??? what's american abt that
In an alternative universe: Fucking yes Dr. K i'm the smartest person in America, are you fucking blind or something?
@@90Aga you are just so British bro
At that exact point I was getting pretty fed up with Paul so that was a magical moment to hear Dr. K say that lol
45:12 Paul: “What kind of is the rough amount of time to find a girlfriend?” Dr. K: “18 months.” Paul: “Jesus Christ...”
That shit cracked me tf up
@@kaniza1465 bRuTaL
Ain't nobody got time for that 😂
I'm becoming decrepit by the minute.
Why its so"Jesus Christ"? If you cant get girl, then you just cant get girl. Like it can be 10 years, or just forever. Yes its possible somtimes with hand of luck, but... As example I first get girl in my 34, and next 9 years i have just 4. I live no lifesyle where girls can be. I dont do enough money, i'm far not pretty, i dont like people and conversations to much. You can logically assume that this condition will basically stay, and just go worst with getting older.
"i was speed dating next week, whats the point of that"
One time I had a date with a guy who was a little awkward but I had a good time and I was fully expecting that I would be going on another date with him at some point in the future. But at the end of the date he said, "So... I guess we're not going to go on another date then, huh?" and it was him saying that changed my mind. That memory resonates really strongly while watching this video. It's very weird being on the other side of this and knowing I was probably a "piece of evidence" to that guy--- all because he completely misread the situation and assumed he was hopeless.
Edit: Getting really sick of men responding to this just to criticize me for not being more reassuring. My date had a moment of weakness. So did I. Why does he get a pass but not me? Why is it okay for him to make a mistake but not for me? Of course I wish I had reacted differently after 7 years of reflection but in the moment I only had seconds to respond. Stop holding female people to a higher standard of emotional awareness than our male counterparts.
I agree that you should be confident in yourself and not say stuff like that but I have to ask did you challenge that or ask him why he felt like that? I'm not saying that he should use you not doing that as "evidence" but I feel like it would be good and helpful for him maybe to let him know not to think lowly of himself. Idk just seems like something I would do if a girl said that to me on a date. Ultimately I don't know your situation and I'm not judging of course but I was just wondering
@@MichaelTurner856 It was 7 years ago and before I ever went to therapy. I have grown as a lot as a person and I wouldn't react the same way today.
That said, it's not really anyone's job to be their date's therapist, cognitively reframing anything pessimistic they say. A date's job is to assess whether or not they like the person they are spending time with. At the time, I found that lack of confidence unattractive.
@@mvo9856 Yeah I get everything you're saying and I'm glad you changed. I agree with you on Dates I was just saying that to be more as an in the moment thing than a full on therapy session of a date. Either way I appreciate your response! Have a wonderful day :)
@@MichaelTurner856 It probably had made no difference. Had a guy think I was too good for him. He knows himself better than I do so I was not going to challenge him on it.
@@MichaelTurner856 I guess the only reason you would ask that is just sheer curiosity, you can't really change a person's life by asking a question, it seems quite pointless. Dr. K made the person in the interview understand his point by a very complex serious of questions and diologue, which, I think, is impossible for a non-licenced, non-experienced in the field person to do. Which is absolutely ok, I think it would take quite some time for me to see what's the problem with my way of thinking, because it extend so deep into my past experiences and life view. Self doubt would probably write this question off as another denial or it could do something else, things like that shouldn't have place at a date with a random person
Man I’d like to see where this guy is 4 years later.
Same place
Oh my god that therapist that gave up on him, that fucking killed me. Thats so terrible
It's extremely common. My therapist told me to do things, then just left me to my own devices. Nothing of what he told me worked. There's a reason for why the stereotype of therapists being useless people who just prop you up with meds exist, because it fits the description of, sadly, quite a lot of therapists.
@@nils191 Maybe that therapist wasn't right for you but from the very limited information they didn't give up on you, therapy often involves homework.
I think its important for everyone to understand that therapist are people and you have to find a person you vibe with to get good therapy. If you're therapist doesn't think they can help you they can do the professional thing and refer you to someone they think would be more suited to you.
@@ilyem999 I'm aware. Therapists aren't magical humans with godlike reagents who can somehow magically cure you of all ailment. Majority of the time they just either don't fit you, or you're being very closed around them.
What I am essentially saying is that therapists has this general stereotype because of personal expectation, and general history with fairly incompetent therapists among a minority of former clients. Because sadly, incompetence in the medical field is scarily common. I mean, when I suffered from obesity my doctor used BMI as a measurement- Even though BMI doesn't account for musclemass or fat-%, and therefor doesn't give an accurate portrayal of the actual issue.
I am a psychologist by my first degree and I felt both sadness and anger. Angry because the therapist clearly failed him and sad, that it made him feel even worse about himself. I am only 20 minutes in but already I can see that Paul has low self-esteem for clear and understandable reasons and that isn't at all unfixable. He just needs to understand his self wroth and all the great things that make Paul Paul. He is intelligent, perceptive, brave, orderly and has a good sense of humor.
It clearly affected him, even if it was years later.
When he had a genuine laugh his whole face changed, you could see him see himseld for the first time without a guard up. I hope he holds on to that.
yeah, that was beautiful
No. Not If you cum awkwardly prematurely. Then you will become worse. Sex ain't gonna solve anything if it's not done right.
@Jaime Ares the only thing that sex actually helps with, is realizing that sex doesn't matter half as much as you think it does as a virgin. Sex isn't some kind of magical cure
@@Futurepointmusic FACTS. I've had sex, I've had relationships, I've even given and received real love. I'm still MISERABLE at times. BUT!!!! I'm no longer chasing something external to solve my problems. I've turned my attention inward and I'm working on myself. I'll be happy to turn my attention outward again and seek intimate relationships sometime soon. I just need to try and address, and maybe fix (maybe not), some of the things that I THOUGHT relationships would automatically fix. I know I'm capable of having the relationships I want. I also know the challenges I have with attaining them are all in my head.
@@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026 greatly put, that sums up how I feel at the moment pretty well. Good on you for looking inward, I'm sure you will be able to find what you need
This is amazing. Many many praises to Paul for being so brave to open up on stream. I'm even more amazed by the fact that such open sessions really allow us to dive into the human mind and understand how it works. Dr. K, you're a great man, love your videos, you're helping so many people by shedding light n these modern psychological problems. I'm from Russia, but im so happy to know English, so I can watch these, your project is super cool.
Loved the last bit about focusing on the journey instead of the destination. I needed the reminder 😌
"When do we get to the "fixing me" part?"
Oh, boy.
@Togapower I disagree. I think you missed many points. Maybe you are a master at that.
Togapower he got to a lot of great points you’re just too thick to see them
@Togapower umm, did you even listen to any of what they were saying?
@Togapower Kid, they are making fun of you, and you are still missing that too.
@jewboy You think that one or two sessions are enough?
Oh, boy.
Did you actually just get him to talk by drinking water lmao. Silence makes people uncomfortable i guess
and you can see the little eyebrow raise he knew what he was doing lol
That was a power move
@The elephant In the room if you look right after he starts talking when he takes a drink, dr. does a little eyebrow raise
@The elephant In the room in the video! its worth the watch! ;)
Silence is very powerful. It’s also used heavily in sales.
i loved seeing him smile at the end with more hope in his heart, and hearing about your efforts for getting into med school. so inspirational!
This has been the most profound dr K video for me and therapy video. It broke me down just like him when i also realized i was doing the same exact thing as him even though i dont have a problem finding a girlfriend like him i also felt like i was hopeless cause i have a physical affliction with my knees and i just felt hopeless like they were the cause of my failures when in reality i need to laugh in my ailments face and know i can succeed. Wow this is some powerfull stuff!
"The mind is not the knower of truth"
Thats a phat ass pearl right there
if that doesnt blow everybody's brain you doing it wrong ^^
I had this revelation the first time I nut in my petite, blond bimbo’s mouth😝
Yes it is wtf hahahahhahaha i guess we just know things with our kidneys or something
@@RedPlaystationController facepalm
I know Jesus. He is the truth.
He laughed because he hoped and in that very moment he doubted and cried, poor guy.
I think he cried because se felt hope, he never felt that way before. Then he laughed at his own reaction or how happy he felt at that exact moment.
@@nicolasmiranda932 I think he had a bunch of repressed emotions and when he thought there was a logical reason to, he let them loose for a while, then realized his release wasn't really to do with what the Dr said and repressed them again.
He didn't feel doubt, but relief from it. There was pure joy, and probably an uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability. Not just because he is in front of the doc, but the internet. A wall was broken, both external and internal.
I'm not sure if you are trolling. But, like the doc said, a lot of confusing emotions.
Ok, I puased teh vid around 1:18:12 After that the old doubt really started back in; quckly rebuilding and patching the walls.
real confidence comes from emotional maturity. and it was beautiful to see paul take a step toward that. many people who are deemed perfect by external factors are struggling with this too, its easy to forget
Man Dr K is so damn good, I don’t have issues in dating but my head works a lot like this guys and it’s so amazing to see him progress
Wow - 140 rejections to med school? I admire your tenacity and wish I had the same. You're truly a gifted Dr and have helped several people.
@@StevenMacQuarrie
You aren't kidding. I've promoted this channel to anyone who will listen. It is genuinely one of the best uses of a platform anywhere on the internet.
Med school reject people? Thought they looking for people since no one wants be in medicine.
This motivates me to not give up my neuroscience dreams after just 4
Thank you Dr. K
I assume you at least did not understand what “several” means when you posted your comment. He has helped many people, not just several.
@@enlightened7master 🫠
I relate to this dude so much, this was basically a free therapy session
Me too. Respect bro!
Same, 25 and still virgin and depressed since 10y...
Hope y'all are doing well. Dr. K is an absolute champ and I feel like I learn a lot from watching these.
that's what this entire channel is
@@shio-fps one day at a time my friend, one day at a time
I feel like Dr. K has built such a wholesome community, it’s honestly great
This was incredibly wholesome and beautiful. Thank you both for sharing this experience. I'm proud of Paul, and will continue to cheer him on through his journey. Thank you, Dr. K!
Its like the guy just cant bring himself to believe that he's not worthless. Really sad to be honest.
Really made me get slightly choked up when he could finally start feeling comfortable with himself, and answering questions. It’s like he transformed positively right before my eyes.
I'm only 13 minutes in but so far he's really annoying in my mind. I hope he gets better
@@mikemurphy5898 Please watch the whole thing, I implore you. I’m so emotional as a male virgin myself. I didn’t know people like me felt so bad about themselves like he did. It was really comforting as I watched on and see how he changed.
We need to start preaching being confident without being MODEST about it
MODESTY is toxic af after a while bc we keep ourselves short of the full praise we know we deserve want desire. Dammit we all got an ego. What’s wrong with being confident? I don’t want to preach arrogance or stepping on others to make yourself feel better but
@@r011ing_thunder6 what do we deserve and why?
I think "hopelessness" needs to be studied more. It seems very common.
XNaturalPhenomenonX Because reality sucks
its a core aspect of reality, and that statement only seems weird to people who've had their every whim satiated since birth (most first world people)
Hopelessness, depression, sadness are all inherent aspects of being a finite organism. Its only a problem when you imprint upon those feelings and allow them to marinate in your psyche & allow those thoughts to impede progress.
You might be interested in the term of "learned helplessness" - basically if an elephant is tied down when he's young to some small chain, even when he's really big and large and able to break it after countless failures he'll still think it's impossible and won't try.
The man in this image is probably not feeling hopeless: i.pinimg.com/originals/dc/8e/3f/dc8e3f227f1f97f25a17ad925f3a7f57.jpg
Honestly I think that people need to start realizing that we are all traumatized in many ways that we don’t realize, I really think we need to unearth and grieve that shit
That was the biggest genuine breakthrough I’ve ever seen for a long time. Dr. K…. you are a master of your craft 👏👏👏
damn. i got chills with this one. I relate so hard to this man. I was on the same boat until about 28. Then I realized the belief shift, and then I met my wife and had a kid. There's always hope, and it seems so obvious now what needed to have been done, but that breakthrough happens when you are able to understand it's a belief issue, and start making steps towards changing it. HUGE advice on the fact that three months isn't enough. I tried dating apps several times over several years and kept quitting for no matches. Then when I fixed the belief, I downloaded ALL the apps and swiped every single day for months and months nonstop until I did get a few matches, and then I met my wife. It's the action that's required for the goal you are trying to achieve and it doesn't care about your feelings. It's just persistent action... Great episode. I hope this guy found someone.
Belief is one of the strongest and most important things human have. I think the incel guy should stop trying to be "logical". Logic works at work, it doesn’t work when you try to get a girlfriend
This talk helped me more than any of the others because it made me realize that there isnt just going to be some golden nugget of information that will fix everything. In reality my mind has a cognitive bias around the idea that my anxiety will never get better. I realized that my mind convinces it self to not even attempt at making a change because i draw a lot of comfort from staying the same.
To anyone else dealing with this problem stay strong i know its scary to create a change in your life but i believe in you👍👍👍
@Tinny Foiler you think only outgoing people have girlfriends, or that all women are outgoing?
@Tinny Foiler if you never meet anyone ever you have deeper problems than the lack of a significant other. Just as Paul needs to get rid of his self destructive mentality and gain confidence you might need something else, but what that something else is you'll have to figure out yourself. I also am not an outgoing person whatsoever and yet I've met people through Steam, through school, friends of friends and so on. No need to go out of your way to bars or clubs or places where you're not in your element. Just because you are introverted does not mean you can't or shouldn't have friends.
So true dude.
@Tinny Foiler You're right that it's a very low chance of meeting women if you are just on the computer unless you are in an environment in which you can meet them. Otherwise, you would have to search elsewhere to increase that probability. However, I don't believe that you need to be "completely free of anxiety" and/or an "outgoing person". Anxiety isn't something you get rid of easily since you're only human, it's something you need to be aware of yourself and accept/own it without repressing it. You can like being quiet and do your own thing, that's completely fine and people have accepted as a part of themselves. Sure, you can absolve yourself from any uncomfortable situation, it depends on how much you truly want to have a girlfriend. If you really wanted a romantic relationship, you would need to express interest in changing in that case, not in the sense that you are trying to become an entirely different person, but actually evolving your current self by fixing underlying problems and/or strengthening your strong points or even trying to understand yourself. For example, if I was a mage and expressed interest in fighting in the front lines without changing class to a warrior, I would spec my stats elsewhere to become a mage tank or combat mage in order to help me do that The reality of meeting someone and getting into a relationship is that you will be put into uncomfortable and inevitable situations, it's a matter how you respond to it. You aren't obliged or forced to do anything that you don't want to do . You can still be an introvert and still be able to interact with people. It would be even tougher to start a relationship without any form of interaction
At the point of desiring physical relationships, you gotta meet people halfway because sometimes things don't just fall in people's laps. When you don't try, you should determine whether it's something you really want or if you just think it's going to fail no matter what you do
Based on Paul's experience and that he came to talk to Dr. K, this shows he expressed interest in changing because he wants a relationship. However, Paul has an underlying problem.. his self destructive mentality of hopelessness, which burdens him and his social interactions. As emphatic as we are, we can sense that he was uncomfortable and when he was "slippery" by him finding evidence that it was hopeless. It's not going to be easy in the long run, working on his inner self would be a good step in the right direction, but it's far from a solution. The fact of the matter is that there isn't one specific solution that will solve everything. You would need to slowly level yourself up
*"I realised that my mind convinces itself to not even attempt at making a change because I draw a lot of comfort of staying the same."* So much power in that portion of your comment. One of the reasons we all struggle so much with our personal issues is that right there. Refusing to acknowledge that we are actively engaging in self sabotage by not trying despite the lack of reason that accompanies not trying to improve oneself whilst being dissatisfied with current issues we have. I am guilty of this too.
As an aspiring therapist, it's really inspiring to watch these. It's a learning experience in that way. 10/10 would take his class if he was a counseling techniques professor lol.
He’s said he works counselling here and there, maybe worth a try to contact him
His problem may not be solved just by changing his mindset. If he had the correct look he would have already have a gf. Maybe ask yourself if his look didn’t create is situation in the first place. You should read more about Lookism discrimination... You don’t have to hate women to be an incel ... Most men are incels without realizing it ...
Right? Is fascinating
There is lot of good professionals out there
@@Lo-to7zh it's not about the looks, it's about social skills and upbringing. I know a dude, who had and still has lots of girls (fucked up his marriage, but nevertheless), and he's short and quite overweight (I'm two heads higher than he is, also slightly overweight, but quite strong, and he still weights 10 kg more then me), but he's extremely good at talking to people.
And it's me, who newer had a girl, and I know what exact mistakes my parents made during my upbringing (some hormonal issues didn't help either, were fixed, but the time was lost), but couldn't overcome all of them yet.
As an example, I thought that mentioning to a female acquaintance/friend that you noticed her changing a hairstyle was rude as "that's none of my business", turned out that it is extremely delightful to them. And many other things like this.
That friend told me lots of tips and tricks on how to manipulate women, their desires, e.t.c. But that does not help if you feel awkward around them, and can't strike up a simple conversation (unless she is a college, and its work related).
Also if you live in a country where prostitution is legal, and you can easily afford their services, but don't want to, are you also considered incel?
Incredible experience watching this. “Awareness precedes control” was beautifully put.
Absolutely agree. I paused the video and told my husband that was a mike drop moment.
Dr. K is just astounding! He definitely needed a breather after this one. I hope that 'Paul' was able to build on his success or even just to acknowledge that he actually did have a breakthrough and he's not hopeless!
In some ways, I think a breakthrough like this could really hurt someone. If he suddenly believes that he is not hopeless, but instead chooses to ruminate on all the chances he could have had if he wasn't ensnared by hopelessness, that could send him down another less helpful path... Maybe I need to take my own advice because I'm doing the same thing to myself he was doing....
1:17:00 is such a pure, beautiful moment. Decades of pain and the new feeling of clarity fighting each other.
It's absolutely cathartic
Joker noment
Was listening this to my ride back from work. When it got to that moment I had tears, was clapping, and cheering for Paul looking like a weirdo in my car. Loved it
Interesting. This moment was painful for me.
The way Dr. K put it was just so raw
U N B E L I E V A B L E talk. This is BY FAR the most amazing " client " Dr. K has had. The challenges Dr. K has been faced with this guy and the way he thinks probably corresponds to 90% of the audience. INSANELY informative, challenging (because he's so fucking into his cognitive bias) and helpful.
Thank you for having the balls to do this, man. Amazing work.
unironically thinks this man is a doctor. yep the world is really coming to an end.
@@lakvadtrorubre5021 You mean the guy that's faculty at Harvard and worked in an emergency room for years?
@@j.p.westwater2334 implying hospitals are anything but a scam in 2020. its called affirmative action btw this pajeet is 90 iq max no way he could be a doctor in pre zog america.
@@lakvadtrorubre5021 You should start a TH-cam channel, you seem to have it all figured out mate.
@@lakvadtrorubre5021 Wtf do you mean… doctor doesnt mean health specialist you dumb fuck it means having a doctorate. Which he has. Clearly you"re not the sharpest assault riffle in the school.
So much love for Paul, this was beautiful to watch ❤
I kind of needed this, I think. I have heard many of these things before when I was in therapy, however, this video reminded me of how my mind works and all of the stuff about laughing the feeling in the face, etc.
This was single handedly the most hopeful thing I have seen in years. If Paul comes and reads these comments, I hope you have continued your work on training your mind and if not already meet someone that will see and appreciate who you have become!
I’m feeling this AOE healing man
Wolololo
AOE?
@@BitterTast3 Area Of Effect. Like instead of healing a single person you heal in an area.
@@thefruityking6722 Oh ok thanks. I kept seeing AOE in this channel's comments and I'm a very casual gamer so I thought it might have been one of Dr. K's psychology techniques or something.
@anderson Well I used to think like you. I know that nothing I say will change your mind, but let me tell you this: There is still good in the world and people aren't all evil. If you consider yourself not evil then that is proof that there is still the possibility for good and justice in this world.
I kind of want to hug that man. He was really brave and strong opening up like that.