Hang in there with no contact. I’ve moved on from a breakup with a girl I believed was my soulmate. It feels like waking from a coma & having to relearn who you are. Knowing I presented a strong, dignified version of myself and didn’t say or do anything to look back on and feel ashamed has helped a lot. Coach Ken’s videos contain a lot of wisdom
@@TrickyWookie how long before it felt like you were gonna be ok? This seems like it has no end. I love her like no woman before. It’s like I’m walking around with a bleeding stab wound, and I can’t get help…complete devastation.
@@michaelscott761 it took a while to feel normal again, but not hyper-focusing on it definitely played a massive part in getting there. Im lucky to have a job where I can kind of zone out & concentrate solely on the task in front of me & that helped at first. Keep in mind that obsessively thinking about her & the situation isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour- so if you get stuck in a loop of doing it you’re unlikely to start feeling ‘normal’ from it. It’s hard but like Ken says, by not focusing all your energy on the person you are actually doing the most positive thing you can to improve your chances & avoiding doing anything to drive them further away. When she comes back, if all you’ve done is obsess over her she will know & wont be impressed. Hang in there man, it’s really not the end of the world, it just feels like it 👊
Coach Ken is spot on! I trust and respect this man's knowledge and the deep level of his ability to relate to people. It is truly a rare and precious trait to possess.
It was unexpected and I made all the mistakes most people make ie begging, pleading for another chance etc. I wish I had seen these videos before going into that state of panic and pain. I have a timer running in my phone (no contact) and it makes me feel sad and yet proud of myself, for being strong. I miss her terribly, however I want to respect her wishes and I also want to be with someone who wants to be with me.
Im kind if a performer and she was a defender. I feel like i didnt show her enough kindness and didnt always listen to her little hints of how to improve tho i did listen maybe a third of the time. She rejected me after trying to repair the relationship and put me in no contact and i begged and pleaded for a week and pushed them to the point of saying theres no shot of us ever getting together so i proceeded to tell her how much i appreciated her and what she brought into my life was great. Havent heard from her since tho its been 13 days since then. I dont have too much hope for her coming back and im pretty sure shes giving someone else a chance right now…
When you said that we could be mistaken for a narcissist… I almost broke down. I didn’t want to, but I left my ex because I felt like he wasn’t putting effort in working on himself. I was working on my things too, and hearing his feedback, and actively worked on them, but I wasn’t getting the same effort back. And one day I saw a message he sent to his best friend saying I’m a narcissistic woman and I am mentally abusing him- and I was in shock. He still convinces himself I am. But after I found out he spoke about me like that, behind my back, lying about me… I realized I couldn’t stay. He kept saying sorry for the same actions he kept doing. I was the one who kept getting emotionally abused. It was so hard. Thank you for the reassurance- because when someone convinces themselves so thoroughly that you are something you know you’re not- that really messes with your mind. This was so hard to do. But I know I had to put my self respect & worth first. I deserve better. 😞
Coach Ken You’re the F*#%*^G Man! You’re very dedicated to what you do. And as a result you have not only tapped into your Talent but earned your skill in this Arena!……truly impressed with your insight, I’ve watch led this particular video at least 3-4 times. Stay Solid! Luv n Respect!
I would love to a video that goes into long term relationships, particularly ones that have had on/off cycles. I was in and on/off relationship and I feel like my ex is now gone forever. I struggled to communicate and I took fever for granted. It wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t communicating my needs, so I became withdrawn and withholding. I also discovered I have wounds that make it hard for me to be vulnerable. And I’m in the dark limerence stage so I could make a huge list of everything I did. But I’ve put so much work into improving. I’ve started therapy. I’ve read several relationship book. I’ve started to change things outside of the relationship that were impacting my ability to be happy. I wish I could show her how important she is and how much I’m willing to do to make things work and how I wish I could Make things up to her. But I don’t think she’ll ever know.
Great video. I think my ex and I share a lot of all of these qualities but she had so much trauma as a child. She dumped me twice. Been in no contact in for 6 weeks. So much harder this time.
Me too man. She has had to cut out the people who were meant to care for her the most, so it didn't take much from her to cut me out too. Trauma sucks man. They wont tell you what you need to know in order to meet their needs, in-case you use it against them. I truly loved her.
You just got a new subscriber off this video. Based on the personality styles listed, I'm definitely the Conquerer and just like you said, she's definitely the Defender. She was SO sweet and really still is, just not as much with me now. I know she loves me, she literally told me last week. I know she misses me but there is a rebound even though I know our connection is ridiculous. I'm on Smart contact because we have a child so I NEVER initiate unless it's about our child but I respond about 90% of the time. Since her relationship started, she ALWAYS reaches out once/twice a week. She definitely is a giver and family is probably the most important thing which is why at first I was confused... then I took the red pill and realized I went soft and changed to a weaker version which caused disrespect and loss of attraction. Luckily I've been changing that aspect and it's that reason I believe she has started to reach out more. This is also the VERY FIRST time I'm not chasing. Let her have her time. The guy she chose can't offer anything I can't except finances so I'm loving her from a distance and not asking to hang out. I firmly believe she will ask soon. She's already included me in new things she's done after her rebound started. It's tough at times but my emotional strength is at an all time high. Definitely relate to this breakdown.
My ex is Conqueror (running his own business) and I‘m the Orchestrator (lawyer). So, what you just said seems to match pretty well. My ex „broke up“ after I already mentally checked out. Now, he is watching all of my content on social media and wished me a happy birthday and I just replied with a nice thank you. The break up is now around four months ago. I don‘t want him back if he does not change. That‘s why I don‘t reach out to him. He always blamed me for everything, even for the break up. It was too draining. I‘m usually drawn to Conqueror. A Defender is a turn off for me.
Makes sense - it's actually harder to be impressed with someone that matches your attributes. The Conqueror mentality is more likely to be mistaken for an arrogant ass and be an arrogant ass (hope that makes sense)
@Zemohc I opened up to them and last night the person seemed to want to retry relationship. Today they want to only be friends. It was my fault by breaking it.
we were no match at all. like when I liked breathing in fresh air, she said it’s no good (no literally, but you get the idea). I love her like crazy though, it makes no sense. this night I dreamt of her: I saw her at the mall and she turned her face away, from my angle I could see she had been crying for weeks straight. when I left the mall she said she was waiting outside only brought an old computer there (?) and I kept walking. she walked with me and I just took her hand. it felt so real that I woke up from the tears and am feeling much worse than yesterday again.
@@CoachKen yes man, I was even crying while typing, thus the typos. feeling much better today and somehow I have a feeling like she is going to reach out soon. like she is missing me more day by day and I can feel it. could be my imagination though.
I’m a truck driver, so just finding a woman and then getting her to accept my job and absence is a monumental challenge. I lost my woman exactly 30 days ago today. This is my 7 day NC. The sadness and hopelessness I am feeling has no measure. She wasn’t even as attractive as the other women I’ve been with, she had such amazing qualities I saw past everything. I was just in a bad mood from being on the road all the time I seriously doubt she’ll ever be back, and the idea of finding another woman seems so strange and far off right now I can’t ever see myself touching another woman again I really don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m seriously in a dark place. I feel completely alone and it’s awful.
So sorry brother - hang in there. Deep breath - don't trust that hopelessness feeling that will be hitting you. It feels true and even undeniable when it whispers "she'll never come back" but it lies much more often than you can believe. I don't know the details but have faith in the fact than many many people have won back an ex from far worse situations than yours so it isn't as hopeless as it seems. Let me know if you schedule something and I'll try to move you up if possible (realcoachken.com)
@@CoachKen thanks for taking the time to send that. I know your time has value…I know it’s best now, that I don’t get her back. All this pain is something I will never want to experience with her again. Is she loved me half as much as I do her, we could have worked it out…there was nothing like cheating or physical abuse or any of that nonsense…I put her on the pedestal you guys speak of. I want her to become just some woman I used to love..I know from your videos, that time is the master of all things. This will pass, how much pain I continue to feel, is in my mind, I need to continue forward…thank you for your words of encouragement.
I feel your pain It's not your fault it's rather the structure of your life Like being a marine living months at sea... This kills the relationship with time
I am the conqueror, she is a defender. It is a love at first sight soul connection. Our connection is so deep and powerful and the sex was literally absolutely off the charts and that's an understatement. After a rough patch she literally walked out my door and went straight to her ex-husband. She's also a fearful attachment style. Is fearful of expressing emotion openly and directly. It would only come in little snippets and sideways comments through the back door. At some point I did not listen to understand I listened to respond. The emotional and mental pain I currently possess is indescribable. Literally feels like a steamroller is parked on my torso. I feel the pain through my whole body. I did reach out twice to express my regret and acknowledge my part in at all. Just a few days ago I entered the no contact zone and it is excruciating but I will see it through. Not real certain why I'm expressing on this venue. I guess I just needed to speak my truth, even if to someone or people I don't know and I've never met. I have started the process of healing and healing is always painful regardless of physical or emotional. I want her back so badly and I believe it will happen but right now it is a dark stormy path.
Thank you coach Ken. As I was walking listening to this I tried to keep track of the types, but I forgot. My Ronni was artistic, loyal, family oriented, not good in conflict, good with scheduling things for us, probably not very good with finances, nurturing and self-sacrificing, And she did try and tell this fearful avoidant what she needed, I guess I didn't listen (that's what she said) while a lot happened in 4 years, she essentially cut it off with a short text. Short text of death. Me, I'm some combination of fast thinker but not in high profession, and may be emotional reasoning. I did push pull, but in the end, she took control.
My ex and I broke up 25 days ago coach and been in No contact since the break up. I know what’s her personality she has orchestra and defensive personalities. And I have performance and defensive personalities. Now I understand and know what to do to gain her back and be patient. Thank you so much coach ken 🙏🏽 for giving me some sight 🫶🏽
My BF asked for a break...space. I was upset told him so and unfortunately I did get angry. I then contacted him and apologized for my hurtful words. I then wished him well and went into no contact. He since contacted me and asked to get together. My trust in what we had prior to breakup has been altered. Not sure what to do if I should see him.
Yes ...I'm a conqueror & she's more the 3rd type & the attraction is so strong between us ...going to be a tough split up , already had two before the first for two weeks then four months
I’m a conqueror and she is an orchestrator/calculator. It’s going to take forever to get her back. We were married for 17 years and have two kids together. Our divorce was final in May and she was already in a committed relationship. Any advice would be helpful.
It will feel like its over - don't trust that hopelessness - as much as you can, as unnatural as it will feel, even as wrong as it feels, let her have and feel the loss of you. Esp if you've already chased and she knows how much you want to save things. Let me know if you book a session and I'll move you up. I'm sorry you're in this position - 17 years and a marriage is more painful than just an average painful breakup
@@CoachKen my kids are out of town with my ex who I am in NC with. When my kids and I were done talking I thanked my ex for making sure my kids and I got to talk and that I appreciate it. Does that count as breaking contact in this circumstance? I didn’t want to be a dick because she could have easily have just put the kids to bed without giving it a 2nd thought to make sure I spoke to them. What do you think, coach?
I feel like I'm a performer/defender and he is an orchestrator/conqueror.....I reached out in April and I was ghosted ... vey much sure he moved on and lost respect for me :(
I was dealing with a single mother. I got so attached to her because she was so caring and affectionate and has so much desire towards me. We have been together for some years however i was not fully committed to her but i still gave her that boyfriend energy and all. One time she ended our connection and when i tried to get her back she was seeing someone else. I let her be. In the end the person she was seeing ghosted her left her thats like less than 3 months. She was proud telling me she was seeing someone but that guy left her. We got connected again and asked her if something happened between them, you know what i mean the bed stuff and she said she did everything because she liked the guy. Because of that i was held back from being 💯 percent being committed to her and all because whenever i was with her i would think all the things they did especially in the bedroom. February of this year i stopped messaging her just to think and be alone with my thoughts to see if i am ready to give her what she wanted needed ever since, the commitment. By march of this year i told her i want her and want to be committed to her, unfortunately it was to late. She didn’t want what i wanted anymore. I tried for months to get her back even saying i want her to be with me because i dont want her to fall In the wrong hands. Whenever i tried to communicate to her she gives me a cold shoulder from there on i sent her last message and stopped messaging calling her. Its been like two months now, no connection from her or me. I just wish she would get back to me and all.
I’ve been in no contact with my ex boyfriend for 6 months. He deleted deleted my mom off Instagram randomly. Does this mean that my chances of him coming back are completely gone since he hasn’t come back and he deleted my mom?
I actually think my ex is a defender in some sense, but it doesn't fit 100% I thought she broke up because she didn't feel loved enough or something (which is weird to me since I poured love on her because I knew she needed reassuring) because she came back after 10 days trying to stay in contact. Then I broke the contract again and 10 days later she wanted to fix things She asked if I had met anybody else and I responded why do you ask she said. "I knew it, so everything you told me about how special I was and so fourth was just a lie 😭" When I said we couldn't stay in contact after the breakup she cried and got angry. When I broke contact now to ask her a simple question about what she meant about not feeling secure in the relationship she said we should talk about it face to face. It just feels like self sabotage to make me prove my love, but at the same time she is a strong athlete which does great in her field. It's just weird. I can't fully decide if she lost attraction because I gave her all the reassurence she asked for or if she broke up because she was afraid I was going to do it because she would be out traveling for 2 months. 🤔 But she also said: "I want everything to be like before. I want to be your girl. All i want is to be close to you. But I made my decision and I understand that I must stick with it. I just wish things were different" My gut tells me she will be back. I've given her small ins and now she wants to meet face to face. So we'll see. I feel she broke the trust between us and I want her to work for it. You can't just say you don't want me in your life and expect me to be there for you. Only the girl in a relationship with me gets the full boyfriend experience. Yea I want her back. I miss her. We had a terrific connection. But still, a potential "get back again" will take time and she will have to work for it.
I stay in no contact but my ex reaches out every 3 weeks or so. I don't push for anything. We just "catch-up" and he then disappears. It's so hard to know what to do. Do you keep answering the call or do you ignore. I feel he just wants to know I am here and will answer. I have a feeling the last "reach out" a couple weeks ago is his last. On many levels it's best if it is. I'd love to get past the 2 or 3 month mark where I don't hear and can stop anticipating. It's unhealthy for me. You know? I'm not sitting around waiting. My life is full but if I'm being honest the thought of him reaching out to me is there most days still. Sigh.
👆🏻This right here! I am wondering the same thing. If my ex contacts me after weeks or months, do I respond or ignore? Need coach to do video on this topic.
Hey Ken, just had a quick question. I've been in no contact for over a month now, but lately I can't help but feel like I messed things up. They broke no contact with me already to ask to talk, but I didn't end up following up with them after agreeing to a time to speak because I thought they were with someone new and didn't see a point. Should I say something to them?
Duh, if you are doing do contact to take time for yourself/work on yourself/you messed up, and you eventually want to get back with them, then ignoring them is not the answer, Coach Ken and Coach Lee has mentioned this before, and if you don’t have proof then why go off an assumption? And you should be a man of your words, if you scheduled to talk with her you should keep ur word- hope this helps!
I'm beginning to think my ex has the Defender mentality... he broke up with me over the phone, after being together for 5 years and best friends for 7 beforehand, because he met someone else at work. He said he didn't want to go, but he also made the decision for both of us to end things... I miss him, but I don't know how to make things better, and I can't go where I'm not wanted :(
I'm a defender. My ex is an orchestrator. She wanted space, without being specific which made me anxious and in turn she didn't get enough space and broke up. How is an orchestrator in regards to, after a break up, getting time to think, space to do what she needs to and reconsider to get back together? Do you have any general advice other than what's already said in this video? Thank you so much!
Don't give up on yourself. It's like having a drink after you were sober for 7 months. I've done both of these things. Just start over and try not to Romanticize about the relationship.
So i think she is a conqueror mentally and she recently enlisted to the army and went a change in her life and that made her see that we have no future together but i strongly believe the opposite i think im also a conqueror. Whats the best way to attract her back?
He’s closer to being defender and slightly has the orchestrator mentality. While I’m in between the conqueror and performer. Been together for more than 3 years. Lived together for more than 2 years. He broke up with me 11 weeks ago. I chased for about 5 weeks and decided to go no contact. Wasn’t in contact for 2 weeks when he finally reached out. He started slowly coming back towards me, been talking to him almost everyday for a week but I was so scared to mess it up that I usually end our conversations before it becomes too long ~~ 😢 He told me he’ll buy me a present, and it’s been 3 days now since our last convo but he hasn’t reached out yet (he was the last to reply to me and I did not reply anymore after saying I’d sleep). I don’t want to initiate contact coz it might appear I’m chasing. I’m trying to stick to no contact unless he initiates. But he hasn’t reached yet for 3 days now 😣 he has not given me an update about the present too 😩 How do I win him back? 🥺
You don’t win him back. You move on with your life and live it to the fullest. He will see from a distance and only if he wants to, he will come back. You can’t make him come back and you can’t put your own life on pause with the hopes of someone coming back.
I really like your content, Coach Ken. They’re deep, so inspiring, and you let us see the details that we could not realize on our own. I hope you make more content like this, about how different MBTI personalities react to breakup. Example: I’m an ENFP while my exBF is an INFJ. They said INFJ has this “door slamming” tendencies when they break up with people. How do you know you’ve been door slammed? Or is there still hope if he is still warm to you, reaches out from time to time, asks his family to and he himself greets me on some special occasions, still call my parents “papa” and “mama”, promised to give me a present and meet with me after I’m done with my exams? Something like that ~
My avoidant ex dumped and out of no where thru text and we’ve been in no contact for a couple weeks. She just posted a video dump of a bunch of videos of what she’s been up to lately. She put a video of just me in there. Why??? Then followed by other guy. Like genuinely curious what that means in no contact I can’t find anyone that’s had a similar experience. Is she trying to get my attention or make me jealous? Is this a time to break no contact? ( I’m thinking not) please help lol
Sometimes I think I'm one way then the other I'm not. It took me a minute to pick between Chipotle and SaladWorks. But at the gym I'm like let's do that. Then that. That looks fun. Nvm. That wasn't fun. But that was. Let's go pick up more of that.
@CoachKen That it can. I don't know anymore. Your other videos that talk about the amount of pain one feels just shows how gifted someone is. Maybe I can be all of them if I wanted to.
Shoot....I can identify with 4 or more aspects in ALL of them.... Yup, we need to chat about this. Wonder if there's a category for that. Complicated but it's okay to be different 😂
Hey coach Ken, great video and alot of your other videos are also really helpful. I'm currently trying to get my ex back using no contact and I'm really unsure of when is the time to suggest a meetup as I didn't want to try to do it too soon. I haven't seen much by you or Coach Lee on how to know when it is the right idea to suggest a meetup, just that it is important for it to happen. My situation is below if it might help answer the question. She reached out to me a little over a month ago asking how I was I was polite and responded well and it ended there, then she reached out again congratulating me for graduating and again I just said thank you and it was left at that. Then after 9 days of silence after that I reached out just asking how she was, she responded warmly and then left my next message on read. Then heard back a week later with her responding to my message she had ignored, i responded warmly again but didn't try to carry it. 2 days after that she continued it further and again I let the conversation fade after a couple messages again since she wasn't trying. 17 days of NC later and she congratulated me very warmly about another major accomplishment I had and she was somewhat flirty but again only a few messages. It's been 5 days since then and I haven't heard from her.
Makes sense - opposites attract more in many cases because they possess attributes they admire - but they also react in ways that can be misunderstood and inflict wounds on each other more than they realize and over time create deep frustration
what an obnoxious thing to say based on nothing more than your anger and previous assumptions. I'd like to break up with you myself - we need space. It's not me - it's you.
@coach ken, what do I do if my ex is the last type you've talked about ? I'm in no contact for about a month now... I apologised for some things that i did that hurted him (without my knowing) but there has been so much more that i probably didn't adressed. I told him i would have been happy to work on the problems and evolve togheter but since he has made his decision, i will go my way and I wish him the best. He has a very very low self esteem and never in our three year relationship was able to talk to me about all the little or the big things that bothered him. Will no contact have a chance to work ?
Hang in there with no contact.
I’ve moved on from a breakup with a girl I believed was my soulmate.
It feels like waking from a coma & having to relearn who you are.
Knowing I presented a strong, dignified version of myself and didn’t say or do anything to look back on and feel ashamed has helped a lot.
Coach Ken’s videos contain a lot of wisdom
Thanks Constant! Much appreciated - Stay strong
Coach Ken is the best and his content deserves recognition ❤ he is slaying the best information most thorough and well rounded ❤
@@TrickyWookie how long before it felt like you were gonna be ok? This seems like it has no end. I love her like no woman before. It’s like I’m walking around with a bleeding stab wound, and I can’t get help…complete devastation.
@@michaelscott761 it took a while to feel normal again, but not hyper-focusing on it definitely played a massive part in getting there. Im lucky to have a job where I can kind of zone out & concentrate solely on the task in front of me & that helped at first. Keep in mind that obsessively thinking about her & the situation isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour- so if you get stuck in a loop of doing it you’re unlikely to start feeling ‘normal’ from it. It’s hard but like Ken says, by not focusing all your energy on the person you are actually doing the most positive thing you can to improve your chances & avoiding doing anything to drive them further away. When she comes back, if all you’ve done is obsess over her she will know & wont be impressed. Hang in there man, it’s really not the end of the world, it just feels like it 👊
All said and done, remember this - You are strong enough to live your life without this person. Learn from it and do better next time.
You literally nailed it at 12:49...like TOTALLY nailed it!!!
Thanks McCauley! mental chest bump!
Coach Ken is spot on! I trust and respect this man's knowledge and the deep level of his ability to relate to people. It is truly a rare and precious trait to possess.
It was unexpected and I made all the mistakes most people make ie begging, pleading for another chance etc. I wish I had seen these videos before going into that state of panic and pain.
I have a timer running in my phone (no contact) and it makes me feel sad and yet proud of myself, for being strong. I miss her terribly, however I want to respect her wishes and I also want to be with someone who wants to be with me.
Im kind if a performer and she was a defender. I feel like i didnt show her enough kindness and didnt always listen to her little hints of how to improve tho i did listen maybe a third of the time. She rejected me after trying to repair the relationship and put me in no contact and i begged and pleaded for a week and pushed them to the point of saying theres no shot of us ever getting together so i proceeded to tell her how much i appreciated her and what she brought into my life was great. Havent heard from her since tho its been 13 days since then. I dont have too much hope for her coming back and im pretty sure shes giving someone else a chance right now…
When you said that we could be mistaken for a narcissist… I almost broke down. I didn’t want to, but I left my ex because I felt like he wasn’t putting effort in working on himself. I was working on my things too, and hearing his feedback, and actively worked on them, but I wasn’t getting the same effort back. And one day I saw a message he sent to his best friend saying I’m a narcissistic woman and I am mentally abusing him- and I was in shock. He still convinces himself I am. But after I found out he spoke about me like that, behind my back, lying about me… I realized I couldn’t stay. He kept saying sorry for the same actions he kept doing. I was the one who kept getting emotionally abused. It was so hard. Thank you for the reassurance- because when someone convinces themselves so thoroughly that you are something you know you’re not- that really messes with your mind. This was so hard to do. But I know I had to put my self respect & worth first. I deserve better. 😞
Coach Ken You’re the F*#%*^G Man! You’re very dedicated to what you do. And as a result you have not only tapped into your Talent but earned your skill in this Arena!……truly impressed with your insight, I’ve watch led this particular video at least 3-4 times. Stay Solid! Luv n Respect!
I would love to a video that goes into long term relationships, particularly ones that have had on/off cycles.
I was in and on/off relationship and I feel like my ex is now gone forever. I struggled to communicate and I took fever for granted. It wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t communicating my needs, so I became withdrawn and withholding. I also discovered I have wounds that make it hard for me to be vulnerable. And I’m in the dark limerence stage so I could make a huge list of everything I did.
But I’ve put so much work into improving. I’ve started therapy. I’ve read several relationship book. I’ve started to change things outside of the relationship that were impacting my ability to be happy.
I wish I could show her how important she is and how much I’m willing to do to make things work and how I wish I could
Make things up to her. But I don’t think she’ll ever know.
Great video. I think my ex and I share a lot of all of these qualities but she had so much trauma as a child. She dumped me twice. Been in no contact in for 6 weeks. So much harder this time.
I'm sorry to hear that Darth - Stay strong!
Me too man. She has had to cut out the people who were meant to care for her the most, so it didn't take much from her to cut me out too. Trauma sucks man. They wont tell you what you need to know in order to meet their needs, in-case you use it against them. I truly loved her.
You just got a new subscriber off this video. Based on the personality styles listed, I'm definitely the Conquerer and just like you said, she's definitely the Defender. She was SO sweet and really still is, just not as much with me now. I know she loves me, she literally told me last week. I know she misses me but there is a rebound even though I know our connection is ridiculous. I'm on Smart contact because we have a child so I NEVER initiate unless it's about our child but I respond about 90% of the time. Since her relationship started, she ALWAYS reaches out once/twice a week. She definitely is a giver and family is probably the most important thing which is why at first I was confused... then I took the red pill and realized I went soft and changed to a weaker version which caused disrespect and loss of attraction. Luckily I've been changing that aspect and it's that reason I believe she has started to reach out more. This is also the VERY FIRST time I'm not chasing. Let her have her time. The guy she chose can't offer anything I can't except finances so I'm loving her from a distance and not asking to hang out. I firmly believe she will ask soon. She's already included me in new things she's done after her rebound started. It's tough at times but my emotional strength is at an all time high. Definitely relate to this breakdown.
Will you get your ex back after a rebound?
My ex is Conqueror (running his own business) and I‘m the Orchestrator (lawyer). So, what you just said seems to match pretty well.
My ex „broke up“ after I already mentally checked out. Now, he is watching all of my content on social media and wished me a happy birthday and I just replied with a nice thank you. The break up is now around four months ago. I don‘t want him back if he does not change. That‘s why I don‘t reach out to him. He always blamed me for everything, even for the break up. It was too draining.
I‘m usually drawn to Conqueror. A Defender is a turn off for me.
Makes sense - it's actually harder to be impressed with someone that matches your attributes. The Conqueror mentality is more likely to be mistaken for an arrogant ass and be an arrogant ass (hope that makes sense)
@@CoachKen I think both of us have some kind of mentality that makes us look arrogant on first sight 😅
I got dumped over the phone after 17 years. Devastated to no end.
Classless - no excuse!
I am suffering. 😢
Big hug. It hurts. When you're connected to someone like this and they just walk away. It's something else.
אני סובל. מתגעגע כל כך. 3 חודשים של ניתוק
הצילו
@Zemohc I opened up to them and last night the person seemed to want to retry relationship. Today they want to only be friends. It was my fault by breaking it.
I'm sorry to hear that - don't trust what the pain tells you though - it's not as hopeless as it might feel
Words of encouragement for a strange--stay in no contact.
we were no match at all. like when I liked breathing in fresh air, she said it’s no good (no literally, but you get the idea).
I love her like crazy though, it makes no sense. this night I dreamt of her:
I saw her at the mall and she turned her face away, from my angle I could see she had been crying for weeks straight. when I left the mall she said she was waiting outside only brought an old computer there (?) and I kept walking. she walked with me and I just took her hand. it felt so real that I woke up from the tears and am feeling much worse than yesterday again.
I'm sory - I know that hurt that follows you into your dreams and then you wake exhausted and hurting all over again just to start your day
@@CoachKen yes man, I was even crying while typing, thus the typos. feeling much better today and somehow I have a feeling like she is going to reach out soon. like she is missing me more day by day and I can feel it. could be my imagination though.
I’m a truck driver, so just finding a woman and then getting her to accept my job and absence is a monumental challenge. I lost my woman exactly 30 days ago today. This is my 7 day NC. The sadness and hopelessness I am feeling has no measure. She wasn’t even as attractive as the other women I’ve been with, she had such amazing qualities I saw past everything. I was just in a bad mood from being on the road all the time I seriously doubt she’ll ever be back, and the idea of finding another woman seems so strange and far off right now I can’t ever see myself touching another woman again I really don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m seriously in a dark place. I feel completely alone and it’s awful.
You're never alone in that realm dude..chin-up!
So sorry brother - hang in there. Deep breath - don't trust that hopelessness feeling that will be hitting you. It feels true and even undeniable when it whispers "she'll never come back" but it lies much more often than you can believe. I don't know the details but have faith in the fact than many many people have won back an ex from far worse situations than yours so it isn't as hopeless as it seems. Let me know if you schedule something and I'll try to move you up if possible (realcoachken.com)
@@CoachKen thanks for taking the time to send that. I know your time has value…I know it’s best now, that I don’t get her back. All this pain is something I will never want to experience with her again. Is she loved me half as much as I do her, we could have worked it out…there was nothing like cheating or physical abuse or any of that nonsense…I put her on the pedestal you guys speak of. I want her to become just some woman I used to love..I know from your videos, that time is the master of all things. This will pass, how much pain I continue to feel, is in my mind, I need to continue forward…thank you for your words of encouragement.
I feel your pain
It's not your fault it's rather the structure of your life
Like being a marine living months at sea... This kills the relationship with time
I am the conqueror, she is a defender. It is a love at first sight soul connection. Our connection is so deep and powerful and the sex was literally absolutely off the charts and that's an understatement. After a rough patch she literally walked out my door and went straight to her ex-husband. She's also a fearful attachment style. Is fearful of expressing emotion openly and directly. It would only come in little snippets and sideways comments through the back door. At some point I did not listen to understand I listened to respond. The emotional and mental pain I currently possess is indescribable. Literally feels like a steamroller is parked on my torso. I feel the pain through my whole body. I did reach out twice to express my regret and acknowledge my part in at all. Just a few days ago I entered the no contact zone and it is excruciating but I will see it through. Not real certain why I'm expressing on this venue. I guess I just needed to speak my truth, even if to someone or people I don't know and I've never met. I have started the process of healing and healing is always painful regardless of physical or emotional. I want her back so badly and I believe it will happen but right now it is a dark stormy path.
Thank you coach Ken. As I was walking listening to this I tried to keep track of the types, but I forgot. My Ronni was artistic, loyal, family oriented, not good in conflict, good with scheduling things for us, probably not very good with finances, nurturing and self-sacrificing, And she did try and tell this fearful avoidant what she needed, I guess I didn't listen (that's what she said) while a lot happened in 4 years, she essentially cut it off with a short text. Short text of death.
Me, I'm some combination of fast thinker but not in high profession, and may be emotional reasoning. I did push pull, but in the end, she took control.
Love coach Ken. He knows his shi*..
Gloria inna houyse! Much thanks!
Yes, he really does.
My ex and I broke up 25 days ago coach and been in No contact since the break up. I know what’s her personality she has orchestra and defensive personalities. And I have performance and defensive personalities. Now I understand and know what to do to gain her back and be patient. Thank you so much coach ken 🙏🏽 for giving me some sight 🫶🏽
My BF asked for a break...space. I was upset told him so and unfortunately I did get angry. I then contacted him and apologized for my hurtful words. I then wished him well and went into no contact. He since contacted me and asked to get together. My trust in what we had prior to breakup has been altered. Not sure what to do if I should see him.
Yes ...I'm a conqueror & she's more the 3rd type & the attraction is so strong between us ...going to be a tough split up , already had two before the first for two weeks then four months
Another good well explained presentation coach Ken - Jim
I’m a conqueror and she is an orchestrator/calculator. It’s going to take forever to get her back. We were married for 17 years and have two kids together. Our divorce was final in May and she was already in a committed relationship. Any advice would be helpful.
It will feel like its over - don't trust that hopelessness - as much as you can, as unnatural as it will feel, even as wrong as it feels, let her have and feel the loss of you. Esp if you've already chased and she knows how much you want to save things. Let me know if you book a session and I'll move you up. I'm sorry you're in this position - 17 years and a marriage is more painful than just an average painful breakup
@@CoachKen thanks. I set one up for October 16th at 10am under the name Isaac
@@CoachKen my kids are out of town with my ex who I am in NC with. When my kids and I were done talking I thanked my ex for making sure my kids and I got to talk and that I appreciate it. Does that count as breaking contact in this circumstance? I didn’t want to be a dick because she could have easily have just put the kids to bed without giving it a 2nd thought to make sure I spoke to them. What do you think, coach?
@@CoachKen good morning. Will you be moving my appointment up?
Hey coach Ken I'm going to need to get with you because its sound like all of them with my SP but I do want her back because she did love me.
I feel like I'm a performer/defender and he is an orchestrator/conqueror.....I reached out in April and I was ghosted ... vey much sure he moved on and lost respect for me :(
I was dealing with a single mother. I got so attached to her because she was so caring and affectionate and has so much desire towards me.
We have been together for some years however i was not fully committed to her but i still gave her that boyfriend energy and all.
One time she ended our connection and when i tried to get her back she was seeing someone else. I let her be. In the end the person she was seeing ghosted her left her thats like less than 3 months. She was proud telling me she was seeing someone but that guy left her. We got connected again and asked her if something happened between them, you know what i mean the bed stuff and she said she did everything because she liked the guy.
Because of that i was held back from being 💯 percent being committed to her and all because whenever i was with her i would think all the things they did especially in the bedroom.
February of this year i stopped messaging her just to think and be alone with my thoughts to see if i am ready to give her what she wanted needed ever since, the commitment. By march of this year i told her i want her and want to be committed to her, unfortunately it was to late. She didn’t want what i wanted anymore. I tried for months to get her back even saying i want her to be with me because i dont want her to fall
In the wrong hands. Whenever i tried to communicate to her she gives me a cold shoulder from there on i sent her last message and stopped messaging calling her. Its been like two months now, no connection from her or me.
I just wish she would get back to me and all.
I’ve been in no contact with my ex boyfriend for 6 months. He deleted deleted my mom off Instagram randomly. Does this mean that my chances of him coming back are completely gone since he hasn’t come back and he deleted my mom?
I actually think my ex is a defender in some sense, but it doesn't fit 100%
I thought she broke up because she didn't feel loved enough or something (which is weird to me since I poured love on her because I knew she needed reassuring) because she came back after 10 days trying to stay in contact. Then I broke the contract again and 10 days later she wanted to fix things
She asked if I had met anybody else and I responded why do you ask she said.
"I knew it, so everything you told me about how special I was and so fourth was just a lie 😭"
When I said we couldn't stay in contact after the breakup she cried and got angry.
When I broke contact now to ask her a simple question about what she meant about not feeling secure in the relationship she said we should talk about it face to face.
It just feels like self sabotage to make me prove my love, but at the same time she is a strong athlete which does great in her field. It's just weird. I can't fully decide if she lost attraction because I gave her all the reassurence she asked for or if she broke up because she was afraid I was going to do it because she would be out traveling for 2 months.
🤔 But she also said: "I want everything to be like before. I want to be your girl. All i want is to be close to you. But I made my decision and I understand that I must stick with it. I just wish things were different"
My gut tells me she will be back. I've given her small ins and now she wants to meet face to face. So we'll see. I feel she broke the trust between us and I want her to work for it. You can't just say you don't want me in your life and expect me to be there for you. Only the girl in a relationship with me gets the full boyfriend experience.
Yea I want her back. I miss her. We had a terrific connection. But still, a potential "get back again" will take time and she will have to work for it.
A lot of that was me
I stay in no contact but my ex reaches out every 3 weeks or so. I don't push for anything. We just "catch-up" and he then disappears. It's so hard to know what to do. Do you keep answering the call or do you ignore. I feel he just wants to know I am here and will answer. I have a feeling the last "reach out" a couple weeks ago is his last. On many levels it's best if it is. I'd love to get past the 2 or 3 month mark where I don't hear and can stop anticipating. It's unhealthy for me. You know? I'm not sitting around waiting. My life is full but if I'm being honest the thought of him reaching out to me is there most days still. Sigh.
👆🏻This right here! I am wondering the same thing. If my ex contacts me after weeks or months, do I respond or ignore? Need coach to do video on this topic.
Ignore ignore ignore until you hear something significant
Oof. I’m orchestrator and he was performer. He left me, rightfully so. I did everything wrong you said. I’m a jerk.
How long will the defender on average take to come back if they are with someone else?
Amazing
Hey Ken, just had a quick question. I've been in no contact for over a month now, but lately I can't help but feel like I messed things up. They broke no contact with me already to ask to talk, but I didn't end up following up with them after agreeing to a time to speak because I thought they were with someone new and didn't see a point. Should I say something to them?
Duh, if you are doing do contact to take time for yourself/work on yourself/you messed up, and you eventually want to get back with them, then ignoring them is not the answer, Coach Ken and Coach Lee has mentioned this before, and if you don’t have proof then why go off an assumption? And you should be a man of your words, if you scheduled to talk with her you should keep ur word- hope this helps!
I'd get the details and at least have the conversation to find out where things are
I'm beginning to think my ex has the Defender mentality... he broke up with me over the phone, after being together for 5 years and best friends for 7 beforehand, because he met someone else at work. He said he didn't want to go, but he also made the decision for both of us to end things... I miss him, but I don't know how to make things better, and I can't go where I'm not wanted :(
I'm a defender. My ex is an orchestrator. She wanted space, without being specific which made me anxious and in turn she didn't get enough space and broke up.
How is an orchestrator in regards to, after a break up, getting time to think, space to do what she needs to and reconsider to get back together? Do you have any general advice other than what's already said in this video?
Thank you so much!
7 months no contact I broke last month I give up now
what happened?
Sometimes giving up can actually bring them back so living like you give up isn't a bad thing in the least either way
What happened? That could be me too. Only about 2 months NC here. You'll be okay! You WILL feel better.
Don't give up on yourself.
It's like having a drink after you were sober for 7 months.
I've done both of these things.
Just start over and try not to Romanticize about the relationship.
So i think she is a conqueror mentally and she recently enlisted to the army and went a change in her life and that made her see that we have no future together but i strongly believe the opposite i think im also a conqueror.
Whats the best way to attract her back?
He’s closer to being defender and slightly has the orchestrator mentality. While I’m in between the conqueror and performer.
Been together for more than 3 years. Lived together for more than 2 years. He broke up with me 11 weeks ago.
I chased for about 5 weeks and decided to go no contact. Wasn’t in contact for 2 weeks when he finally reached out. He started slowly coming back towards me, been talking to him almost everyday for a week but I was so scared to mess it up that I usually end our conversations before it becomes too long ~~ 😢
He told me he’ll buy me a present, and it’s been 3 days now since our last convo but he hasn’t reached out yet (he was the last to reply to me and I did not reply anymore after saying I’d sleep).
I don’t want to initiate contact coz it might appear I’m chasing. I’m trying to stick to no contact unless he initiates. But he hasn’t reached yet for 3 days now 😣 he has not given me an update about the present too 😩
How do I win him back? 🥺
You don’t win him back. You move on with your life and live it to the fullest. He will see from a distance and only if he wants to, he will come back. You can’t make him come back and you can’t put your own life on pause with the hopes of someone coming back.
Still early - deep breath and give it time (easy to say I know)
@@CoachKen aww thank you, Coach Ken! 🥺💗
I really like your content, Coach Ken. They’re deep, so inspiring, and you let us see the details that we could not realize on our own. I hope you make more content like this, about how different MBTI personalities react to breakup.
Example: I’m an ENFP while my exBF is an INFJ.
They said INFJ has this “door slamming” tendencies when they break up with people. How do you know you’ve been door slammed?
Or is there still hope if he is still warm to you, reaches out from time to time, asks his family to and he himself greets me on some special occasions, still call my parents “papa” and “mama”, promised to give me a present and meet with me after I’m done with my exams? Something like that ~
Yea I’m cooked… she’s def not coming back
He’s closer to being the conqueror
I’m the defender
How does categorising based on these 4 mentalities relate to attachment theory?
5 years means nothing ???
Insightful
Thank you
My avoidant ex dumped and out of no where thru text and we’ve been in no contact for a couple weeks. She just posted a video dump of a bunch of videos of what she’s been up to lately. She put a video of just me in there. Why??? Then followed by other guy. Like genuinely curious what that means in no contact I can’t find anyone that’s had a similar experience. Is she trying to get my attention or make me jealous? Is this a time to break no contact? ( I’m thinking not) please help lol
Do I have to ignore them if they reach out? I'm on the 4th day of my 2nd attempt of no contact.
Sometimes I think I'm one way then the other I'm not. It took me a minute to pick between Chipotle and SaladWorks. But at the gym I'm like let's do that. Then that. That looks fun. Nvm. That wasn't fun. But that was. Let's go pick up more of that.
Circumstances can trigger different aspects - normally your primary will be triggered the more crisis or intense the situation
@CoachKen That it can. I don't know anymore. Your other videos that talk about the amount of pain one feels just shows how gifted someone is. Maybe I can be all of them if I wanted to.
Shoot....I can identify with 4 or more aspects in ALL of them.... Yup, we need to chat about this. Wonder if there's a category for that. Complicated but it's okay to be different 😂
my ex is the last one...
I'd love some help
Hey coach Ken, great video and alot of your other videos are also really helpful.
I'm currently trying to get my ex back using no contact and I'm really unsure of when is the time to suggest a meetup as I didn't want to try to do it too soon. I haven't seen much by you or Coach Lee on how to know when it is the right idea to suggest a meetup, just that it is important for it to happen.
My situation is below if it might help answer the question.
She reached out to me a little over a month ago asking how I was I was polite and responded well and it ended there, then she reached out again congratulating me for graduating and again I just said thank you and it was left at that. Then after 9 days of silence after that I reached out just asking how she was, she responded warmly and then left my next message on read. Then heard back a week later with her responding to my message she had ignored, i responded warmly again but didn't try to carry it. 2 days after that she continued it further and again I let the conversation fade after a couple messages again since she wasn't trying. 17 days of NC later and she congratulated me very warmly about another major accomplishment I had and she was somewhat flirty but again only a few messages. It's been 5 days since then and I haven't heard from her.
First! Hey Coach Ken
Boom
1. Conqueror
2. Performer
3. Orchestrator
4. Defender
I’m almost certain my ex is the performer. I am the orchestrator.
Makes sense - opposites attract more in many cases because they possess attributes they admire - but they also react in ways that can be misunderstood and inflict wounds on each other more than they realize and over time create deep frustration
Has it ever occurred to you “3D” coaches that there is a universe above and beyond your short sighted “labels”…human beings are so much more …
what an obnoxious thing to say based on nothing more than your anger and previous assumptions. I'd like to break up with you myself - we need space. It's not me - it's you.
I rest my case, dude… who’s angry? Do everyone a favor and change business…
@coach ken, what do I do if my ex is the last type you've talked about ? I'm in no contact for about a month now... I apologised for some things that i did that hurted him (without my knowing) but there has been so much more that i probably didn't adressed. I told him i would have been happy to work on the problems and evolve togheter but since he has made his decision, i will go my way and I wish him the best.
He has a very very low self esteem and never in our three year relationship was able to talk to me about all the little or the big things that bothered him. Will no contact have a chance to work ?
Looking good Ken!