When my ex contacted me after 6 months I was friendly & reserved, when she asked what I’d been up to I told her the truth- that I had been putting time into my business & things were going well. Within 48 hours she started bringing up other guys to me in her messages- I told her it wasn’t really my business & id probably rather not hear about it or get involved if she’s seeing someone, I said I was open to a catch up in person maybe but didn’t see much point in getting into a just texting situation together. Long story short over the next few weeks she basically attempted to get reactions out of me & appeared to want to upset any peace I’d found while not contacting her & being single. This culminated in her saying ‘I don’t think we should talk anymore’ & ‘im with someone’ Which instinctively I felt may have been the case the whole time. She then just blocked me. It pissed me off tbh, but this other guy can’t be worth much or why bother me 🤷♂️ Be gone
@@Shippendales yeah I hear you mate, I didn’t give her whatever reaction she was looking to feed on, I was surprised how pissed off it got me though considering 6 + months of no contact. I know I was very good to her before she broke us up so the bar has been set for any new guy, that’ll be her problem to deal with not mine
Im surprised that exactly same thing happened to me , my ex came back said she missed me and wanted me , but after the hook up , i found out she was still contacting another new guy who had hooked up with her . That was a small confrontation, then after this two days she said we shouldnt talk anymore and i blocked her , she blocked me as well.
It sounds like with all the talk about other guys ( which was inappropriate) was trying to make you jealous. That sounds immature and was baiting you into a reaction. You acknowledged but didn’t react in any kind of unreasonable way. You did your part, she?? Still trying to bait you. You did right not to react it sounds to me. Hang in
Wise words.. my ex and I have had an on/off 5 year relationship, due to differences in our lifestyles. Last 2 years we've only been in the 'friend zone' - he recently told me he had 3 dates with a woman. It has derailed me completely.. I always felt and hoped we'd come back together.. we are soul mates. After letting him know the door is open to rekindle.. I told him I had to bow out of contact to protect myself. It's only been 2 weeks, and it's been so difficult.. my mind focusing on only the good times with him and creating stories of him moving on. Torture.. I will continue but it's really been tough some days. Sending support and love to others who are suffering the same. 💔
I'm feeling rejected myself. Maybe if you did some something to better yourself? Feeling rejected makes you feel less than others. It makes you feel inferior, and not good enough. So why not do things that are hard in order to make yourself feel better? Working out ....helping people ...becoming valuable to your friends and family?
@@kenbear9290 It's been months... I broke the no contact after 7 weeks, and we've exchanged messages.. it didnt' help me.. just like picking a scab that was healing. I've since blocked him and decided to 'move on' with my life. I still think about him daily.. it's unhealthy, but I do it because I'm still single. I know I'm worthy of more, but I loved the idea of him - he was never really going to put the same energy into the relationship as me. Tough lesson that I wouldnt' wish on anyone.
Our culture has made it so easy for people to break their attachments. I can see extreme cases of abuse or addiction, but decent relationships are tossed away and I think that is harmful to our spirits.
It happened to me. My wife left me for no reason after 20 years of marriage and 2 wonderful cheating. There were no issues on either of our part. She just said “I don’t want to be married to you anymore” and left. I’ve been absolutely devastated for the last 2 years. Neither of us are dating anyone and there is no reason not to put our differences aside.
Be the one to end meeting first. Coach Ken like you mentioned in your first live video, like when exchanging things at end of relationship @meet up… same rules apply, “end meeting first; be joyful, & a bit playful, have somewhere to be going and say you have people waiting on you!” Be dressed nicely 😊don’t be over chatty, let them earn the conversation & earn the information, also they don’t need to know everything!!! It’d be best for them to not be aware of how they may have been your motivation to make changes. Don’t even discuss any of that- EVER! Puts to much importance on them. No 😂 😊 Y’all GOT THIS❤
Let them notice how you’ve changed and let them comment on it… gracefully respond with, “thanks for noticing” let them earn everything about you- you know you are & have to offer, but remember, Always be okay by way of setting and enforcing boundaries by consequences & so they know you are serious that you will walk away if they continue to cross your boundaries, they need to be aware of this fact by consequences after communication has been advised of the issues.
my ex contacted me two weeks ago after about 6 months of no contact. it was midnight, i answered the third call. i figured after three calls it must be important, but he says "im sorry i shouldnt have called". i immediately hung up, out of disbelief honestly. he proceeded to call and leave slightly incoherent (probably drunk) voicemails until about 1am. i didnt answer again because i felt like if he really wanted to speak to me, he would call at a decent hour and sober. but havent heard from him since. its a relief to know he is definitely still thinking about me. but its disappointing that even after 6 months, he had nothing to say when i answered.. just hope if i hear from him again, he is actually ready to speak.
@@lineakristensen1821 hi i actually just saw your comment, we actuallly got back together shortly after i posted this comment! i didnt hear from him for about a month after the calls, so i reached out. i approached him with the idea of being friends, but he insisted that he wanted to try things again and get back together. we have now been together since september and things couldnt be better!
Love your videos coach. I did nothing wrong. She’s an avoidant and I got dumped twice. TWICE! I’m done, in no contact for almost a month. The killing the goldfish and hitting their grandma with a toaster gives me a good laugh I need and makes feel just a little better every day. 🙏
Been in no contact for 2 weeks my gf broke up with me of 5 years and we knew each other for over 10 years . I went cold turkey after she rejected talking all of a sudden today she messages me saying she wants to talk and pick up a cheap computer monitor that’s worth nothing . I think she was feeling the effects of me being gone and broke used a shitty computer monitor as an excuse . The other week she tried to message my sister to say that she has gifts for the kids but my sister shut that that down didn’t even reply . I think she though I would beg chase forever she realized that I left actually and wasn’t begging
Like a rubber band affect as you’ve used as a way to explain our anxiety in waiting brings on the anxiety when they reach out and we, “snap back!” Great video coach! I recall myself upon his reach out doing just that… snapped back & shower too much excitement! That was a mistake, but I was able to correct it right away by not pursuing. & match his energy or just below his energy (even better), & treat him with continued (no contact) only responded when he reached out. The first reach out in their part we need to treat them as guy who’s a friend or acquaintance… never mention anything about the time spent in no contact & do not discuss the relationship at all. Save that for a time when & if they mention they wanna try again. Then that’s when balls in your court & you renegotiate the contract and air anything needed & set your standard. It’s my opinion you don’t discuss your resume over no contact time spent. You don’t need to sell yourself to then & if you try to sell yourself, you are showing insecurities & that you spent all that time NC on making yourself better for them, not for yourself. Not attractive at ALL! Do you still have spots available for new coaches? And till have access to your training program? I’m highly interested in coaching. How do I get that information? Coach Ken is amazing🎉!!! Yoire understanding of the passion you have for & knowledge you have the way you articulate the information, is priceless! Best coach out there! Thanks for what you do! If they’re coming back to you, they need to sell themselves to you now 😮😊 Don’t snap back & undo all the strength you showed while in no contact. Because you will look like a fool! & they’ll now of next time you need to go no contact that you are a fake! & will call your bluff once again & will take longer for then to come back around than the first time. When they come back, let them earn you back over time & slowly. Don’t be easy to get, but be fair. & for goodness sake, have some pride for your body & respect, don’t give them your body!!!! you do, we do, needs to be for our selves; growth & ❤️🩹 healing. PERIOD, or they won’t take you seriously 😐 it’s okay to use them as motivation to become a better version of you, but KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF & be able to validate yourself! Boss up y’all ~ Alisa ❤
Good advice. I am wondering if you know anything about the effect on autism on no contact. My ex has it, and I recently found out I have it as well. He said he would always be my friend, no matter what happened with romance. I get the feeling that autistics are less likely to change their mind, so I don't know if I should reach out as a friend. We spoke briefly just shy of 60 days post breakup, and I kept it light and not about relationship stuff. He lent me something, and I mailed it back at about 90 days post breakup with a light note. I'm not sure what to do from here. Is no contact over?
Great advice. But I was in a relationship on and off for 10 yrs, so my situation is way different. I know a lot of his tendencies. I was only part of the reason for the breakup. I have done a lot of research on NPD, which I believe he has. We have both had personal growth but there's so much more
Just wanted to share that there are other "pathologies" that can end up displaying similar traits as NPD, but without the destructive intention behind. I am thinkkng for example about hings such as autism, avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment styles. I am saying this because me and my ex ended up diagnosing each other NPD but none of us were. I am more autistic with an avoidant attachment style, she had a fearful avoidant attachment style.
Hi. Thank you for a great video. You have a really great way of creating mental pictures that makes it make sense and brings it home. That made a huge difference for me.
Thanks Francois! One of my favorite compliments to hear - I like speakers who paint pictures as well. Used to make Algebra class very frustrating for me when I was younger
Stuck in the “I’m going through it and I just need my space. I’m sorry.” Which is worse in my opinion cuz I don’t know if she wants to stop seeing me or not. And for context things have great and then there is a complete 180 over a slight disagreement over nothing. So awesome.
Getting a call or text or email from your ex-partner, then be civil and just block them afterwards. Bump into them in some place, then be civil and polite and avoid returning to that locality again. Its a big world full of new opportunities without rehashing what has proven unsuitable already.
I'm 60 and she just turned 56. I am the one who broke us up, and also partly responsible for her moving 300 mi away to live with her sister and daughter. I'm working on myself now. Been respecting her "There's no more conversation to be had" since early May. Total silence. Me - counseling, meditation, journaling, videos like this, Stoicism, bike riding and fitness and looking for better job after layoff. Breakup AND layoff this year! Yes, it was a bad 60th birthday. Anyway, if my prayers to God are answered, and she actually does decide to reach out. the thoughtful concepts like in Ken's video here are helpful. There wasn't any abuse, but I did behave avoidantly. It would be nice to be able to repair, and have a special emotional and physical companion like her in my/our senior years. All of my friends here and who I ride bikes with are married, so I'm kinda fending for myself in everything. I mean even something as simple as grocery shopping I miss her doing that. Once I get back to work and feeling more "solid" again and have more to offer - if I don’t ever hear from her. should I just forget about love and live out my life as single person? I mean, I AM 60. I don't look it, and I am fit and healthy, but still?
Thanks for your videos. They've helped a lot! My ex showed up where I used to take her out. I was casual & friendly & invited her to sit with me & mutual friends. She asked for a hug & said she missed me. She said we are going to be friends, and she started snuggling up to me. I did not really give her too much back, but I was loving & kind. She is a DA & I want her to really choose me & be consistent in her affection. I want her to acknowledge some of the ways she pulled back that dont work in relationship. Any advice?
Warm and relaxed is fine - but brief - keep it brief. Don't send the signals or communicate pursuit or subtle hope for more. Relaxed and confident and show her you're not only surviving but thriving and confident.
You are the man! I love the message, and intention behind what you're saying. The examples you provide bring it together and allows me to see how to apply it.
You are an incredible man. I would love to have a cancelling session with you. I don’t know how to go about. I’m in Australia but I also have ADHD and I have much to talk about. I don’t know how to get in. Contact. You very much. Paul Motea
Thanks Paul - would love to speak with you - if you schedule anything at realcoachken.com and email me at coachken@dotheyloveme.com and I can work around a time that works for you
I made the mistake of after no contact, he reached out and apologised. Stupid me got talked into going to his place. Got used, then cruelly dumped after spilling a cup of tea. Got told to take my possessions with me 😢
My "no contact" has BPD, and I initially thought this video was regarding that, as the only other video I'd watched from Coach Ken was about BPD. Whole different situation!
@@kelvinenrico2155 I wish I had some better advice for you. Short answer; run far and run fast! Unfortunately, I know that's easier to say than to do. I didn't listen when people told me, but I would've saved myself a lot of heartache and a lot of money. 12 years and two children, (which she won't let me see). Longer answer; learn all you can about BPD. Coach Ken has several videos about it, also Lisa Leblanc and others. I'd read several books and thought I knew a lot already, but YT is where I learned the most. I knew she had some problems, but I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.
@@chuckb470 that's all my friends would say.. But i can't seem to be able to leave her, i love her too much.. She was the one who end the relationship, saying that someday i would regret this if i don't end it sooner.. But i know she's a good girl and i would do anything to help her
Thank you for this video. Dumped, he broke no contact after 8 weeks. He's hot and cold. We've slept together a few times and been on some dates. I only end up feeling confused bc his communication is inconsistent, going 1 week without contact. I try to think abt us making new memories and creating new boundaries but sometimes I think abt cutting the cord completely. I've been so anxious about this entire thing.
I'm sorry to read about your experience. Anyone who runs hot and cold is confused and conflicted. Could he be avoidant? Anxious avoidant? One of the problems with no contact is that it won't solve the problem if the person really needs to see a mental health professional. Have you listened to the Deeper Dating podcast? The "How to Heal the Trauma..." episode from November 30, 2023 might be insightful.
Great content, and very well presented! Thanks! Whether because of the algorithm or simply the lack of “No Contact - Then What?” videos, this is the first I’ve seen. Wish I saw it before she reached out after 18 months - and I jumped out from under the porch. Dammit. I expect she’ll probably reach out again, and I’ll be ready to listen rather than react. This will also put the ball in her court. In the meantime, I’m getting on with my life on peaceful, solitary terms.
My ex contacted me after 6 months to talk & get “peace” he said literally nothing…then came on to me obviously we did the deed, then told me a few days later it’s not going to happen again, and he just wants peace .. I said ok few days later I responded saying I had time to think about what you said aka didn’t say and I’d like to meet and discuss things for peace too.. once again he lead the way and we did the deed a lot a lot… week later said that the cycle needs to end and we are never getting back together and I need to understand that.. which in fact I never brought it up. I’m not confused about anything besides: how he wanted to make peace and said literally nothing of the topic & how he constantly repeats how we are nothing & feels nothing for me, but I never asked AT ALL. I went into our first meeting blank bc I was genuinely giving him the benefit to speak and now I’m here even more annoyed.
My ex broke contact with me around 2 weeks ago, we met up and entered intimate relations together and have since gone back into no contact, this video as around 2 weeks too late for me but hopefully it can help me for the next time
Coach Ken does this information still work when the reason for the breakup was I was spending too much time at work and not enough with the family, how will no contact work when no contact was the cause... thank you for all you do.
Coach what would you recommend if in that meeting they ask you if you’ve slept with anyone? Should you answer truthfully or say something like “I don’t think that’s something we owe eachother an answer for at this time.” Also why should we do like a quick coffee meet where I’m the one to say “it was nice seeing you I gotta go.” Versus a nice dinner date where you hang out with them even afterwards?
@@di114n2 nope and it will be a year soon ! Just like that went I love you to it's over and never communicate again after 3 years. I am glad because I have been able to heal but cutting people dead isn't something I am used to or experienced before. I makes you harder and less able to trust.
@@Growwithgrace101 I’m in the same boat. Today makes day 4 of no contact . The last time me and my girl talked she said she’s not thinking about us getting back together . She said certainly not saying never again but I’m just working on myself and you should do the same. We had 5 years together…….. so Have you moved on to dating other people yet?
@@di114n2 it's almost a year and no I am not dating as I wasn't ready. I am happy single being with my ex was a choice and I waited a long time to feel I could commit to someone. I might start to be open to dating soon but I am not in a rush as it is a minefield out there! God knows why my ex thought he would rather get on Tinder than have a safe loving partner who was happy with his querks and relationship dynanic. I will be fine he will repeat because he isn't facing his inner issues.
If you get more than a couple of weeks down the road you have to seriously ask yourself if this person was the type to build a healthy relationship with you. It’s probably highly likely you inadvertently tangled up with someone who was always playing the field you included. I say that for myself as well.
Your videos are incredibly helpful sir, thanku so much for everything... my bpd gf, just discarded me and got a restraining order...I sure wish I knew of your help sooner😔 She's so angry at me and it's terrible now..
I left him, for good reasons. He was emotionally unavailable, but i’ve tried to apologize, we did meet up and it was wonderful but now he’s back to not forgiving me. Help
Coach Ken, I love your style. I blew a No Contact break by not really knowing what to say. He starred at me and I starred back. It was just pathetic. Two lost people that didnt know how to communicate properly. If i knew it would turn out like that I would havw written everything down
I want others here to have the best shot and not waste their prolonged energy and heartache. I dont think a short plantonic meeting on neutral ground is effective. They have to earn another shot with you because they broke the relationship, which means they have to come to you, in the evening, under the pretense that there's a possibility of romance. This weeds out the intentions of someone that isn't serious or is just looking for reassurance on their choice. Say you're not up for a coffee, but extend the invitation to your house. They'll instinctuvely know what that implies. Play it as relaxed and stay focused on fun, but set the terms and conditions. You need to be the one who is pursued, because they were the one that left.
Hi Coach Ken! Thank you for all of your advice! I am waiting for my ex to call me to return my clothes that I left at his house... how should I handle the conversation if it is just to return my items?
We talked for an hour. I did everything right and when she went with me in the elevator i kissed her and she returned it. We kissed for 20-30 seconds. Its been 4 days and I still haven't heard from her. What do you think? Am I doomed?
I went no contact for 21 days . After we met up because of the hurricane and he had to give me some mail. He told me he missed me, to go back to the house after he got back from a trip with his parents . We ended up sleeping together. The next day he was back to being so cold. Said he still needed space and he ended up going to a concert. I was back to square one , back to crying and trying to talk to him. I felt soooooooo stupid for breaking no contact I felt so used. At this point I don’t know if no contact will work again but this time I feel like I learned my lesson . We broke up because he wanted to go out with his cousin who recently divorced, they are both 37 . Is like they want to live that young life again of partying going out. I feel so dumb!
Great video! I am after the first meeting ( the coffee). It was positive, we didn't touch topic of break up. At the end he said to be in touch for the next one and hugs me in the way I felt he miss me. But since 2 wks I am in NC again. He sent me 2 days ago pics connected to our relationship and some joke that we had only between us. I am confused. It doesn't look good for me...that he wants come back. And I don't want to be just a help for him in the weak moments. Should I ask next time he reaches me out why he is doing it?
I wouldn’t mention it. And from your text I do not understand why you think it doesn’t look good. I think he is testing the waters. Let him initiate contact, be friendly but not overly excited. Let him chase you and do the work. After all, if he wants to come back, he will first have to re-earn your trust.
@@BrokenPhoenix42 Yes, he should be clear and intentional. Don't overthink things. You must have a full life. You can't be that anxious. You slept with him & now you are bonded with a soul tie. Are u familiar with that? Do you know the Lord Jesus?
They said happy birthday after 2 months NC and they are in a new relationship now. I said thank you and no response. Should I have treated that differently since they redhead out?
Hey coach. My situation doesn't fall in these categories and I would like your feedback. I was dumped after 4.5 years because she had lost feelings. She reached out after two months, we arranged a meeting at my place, she came, we talked (she actually did 80% of the talking), laughed and had a good time. The breakup or anything regarding this situation was never mentioned. After 2 days we both left town for summer vacation. She posted a lot of her vacation on Instagram. It has been more than 20 days since the meetup and I haven't heard from her. Do you thing it was because of the vacation or because she got her validation and didn't want anything else?
Only the Lord knows. I'll tell you this much. As a woman..if my boyfriend didn't marry me after even 2 years..I'd leave too. Anyway..stay in NC. Pray about this. You want to marry her?
@@danilaroche1156 marriage wasn't something either of us wanted. I get what you mean though-a form of commitment. I turned down an offer to live with her. I regret it every day..
Hi Coach Ken, I was just wondering if No Contact works in a situationship with someone who has bpd? We’ve been intimate , hung out a lot and we got really close but then she said she isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m certain she likes me tho because despite this she calls me everyday but lately has avoided seeing me in person and blows me off whenever I ask to hang out. It’s hurtful because it feels like I’m getting led on now but she’s also showing signs that she’s still interested. Is NC the best way to play it?
Ignore them. Act covert with your phone, look sneaky about it like you are hiding things. The person will go wild for you. You will be so sorry you got involved with this BPD person.
sincerely depends on the situation and details of the breakup. Usually respond with equal or less energy - but again, thats a guess on limited knowledge
I feel like i messed up, no contact for a month, he stumbled upon me at a festival, he approched me and said hi how are you doing, and i was taken by surprised that i panicked and all i did was gave him a weird look and said we'll talk about it later, and continued to hang out with my friends and ignored him, i also never texted or called him, i feel like i messed up. He also seemindly got up before an event we were bith watching finished and left, he didnt come back, i was sitting near by him cracking jokes, luaghijg and yalling to my friends. Thoughts? 😬 I also have to contact him soon to recover some belongings.
Hello, pls someone reply to my question.. Does this also apply with an ex who has BPD? My ex girlfriend seems to have it and i'm scared of making wrong move
@@CoachKenthx for replying coach.. recent update, she said she hate me now.. Because apparently my friend who doesn't know i've broken up with her, said I'm still her boyfriend to her new community she recently joined and apparently she doesn't like it.. She said it'll be the last time she ever call me and if i ever bother her she'll report me to the police.. I reply to her saying that i didn't say anything bad about her to any of my friends, but apparently she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Does this mean that the bridge is already burned? I have no chance anymore? Pls reply, i still love her... If i can't get her back, at least i don't want her to hate me.. I don't want all the good memories we've had ended with hatred..
coach, my gf broke up with me 3 months ago, throughout this time we have still kinda been together like we were dating, until i finally told her that we have to stop talking. did i kill my chances by staying with her another 3 months? feels like i walked her through the pain without letting her miss me. Im going into no contact now. will that still make a difference? will she still feel the loss? she had been the one reaching out to me whenever i would try to stay away from her.
What if your husband reaches out but to say they want to come get their stuff? Ive been in so much pain. He stonewalled me (again) so this time I took it as a break up. Hes kind of going along with that expecting me to plead for him to stay. I just dont know what to do. If I let him collect all his stuff, its definitely over.
Hi coach ken, my situation is that me end my ex booked a ticket for a vacation going home (same seats and everything) we broke up feb 14 2024 started no contact april 4 2024, and vacation will be on may 15, how will I handle the situation if we meet at the airport?
After two weeks, he came back, bought 2 tickets to Vegas, calls and texts all the time, came to see me in the hospital. We only dated a month, but he says he made mistakes (he broke up with me), I was so touched I started doing what I always do, putting him on a pedestal. It's only been a week of contact, too late to pull it back and detach? Help. Should I ask him what his intentions are?
Not sure why you’d go into no contact if he wants to see you? But don’t put him on a pedestal-you don’t need to rush into things just because he wants to- sound like love bombing? Just take it slow- keep in mind he broke up with you when he barely knew you, and you barely know this person-
SO, KEN, What if there 2nd acknowledgement was a month after the first. The first was in a large group as he was passing by, I waved at him to come and meet my friend from out of town. He was cordial and pleasant. As was walking away I wished him a good day! The next morning through the crowd he nodded at me and had a big smile. I smiled back and move on. BUT THE NEXT REACH OUT WAS FRANK INVITING ME OVER FOR THE NIGHT. I ignored him at 11pm that night. Next day he sent too question marks. I acknowledged his ??. But I told him I didn’t know what to say. I’d just was getting myself together again after not hearing from him so long. I said I’d like to be with him. ( which wasn’t the thing I should of said). I did say I’d been really busy. I’d like meet for coffee or get a soda. So Ken now do I keep ignoring him back after that till he’s reached out again. Where the question marks him trying to just bait me? Feeling depressed. I’m just sitting still. Thanks for the tips Ken!
@@danilaroche1156 yes I did maintain NC a month after the event. He started reaching out but asking me on the fly to come over. When I need to talk. I’ve not ignored him but kept any connection brief. I’m actually in an intensive counseling program now many eves per week. I don’t wish it to be like it was. Be with him then I don’t hear from him for long periods of time. Anyway. Thanks
We had the phone conversation last night and I think I milked the conversation too long and was too willing to give them information. He's bringing me my things next week. Do I have a chance in fixing it?
He reached out and asked how I was doing. I reciprocated the same energy back and let the conversation died out but he didn’t ask to meet up. What should I do?
Can someone help me. My ex borderline just reached out after 6 months of no contact. We had a positive chat for 20 minutes. My messages were on the same level as hers. She said she would reach out later in night. Never did. 2 days later, texted her " hope you have a good day", she did the same. That was it. 3rd day, late evening, I texted her a short message saying "Hey, didn't mean to bother. Just hoping you're feeling better." (She previously had mentioned she was coming down with something) She replied "yeah, please don't text me daily or this late. Thanks." It's been 5 days since, and I haven't texted her since I'm giving her space. Am I doing this right? Any help would be appreciated.
What if I broke no contact to ask for my things back and he agreed and is going to drop it off next week (I live 3 hours from him now). He also said he's been meaning to touch base with me and asked if we could talk this week...
@@ohnah6261 it took awhile and a lot of work but we're back together. Stay strong and listen to these guys. They know what they're talking about! It's not just to try to get them back either. It's about being a better you and attracting back what you put out.
She reached out by calling me after 10 and a half week weeks of no contact from me. Not sure how to go about responding to her since she didn’t leave a voicemail or text message and it’s been 12 days since. She blocked me almost 3 months ago so I feel like I have to presume with caution and I’m afraid if I do text or call I dont want to find out I’m still blocked if I try. I’m afraid she’ll falsely presume I’m being manipulative or a coward since it’s been 12 days if I decide to reach out. I also don’t know the motives but it’s a good sign they called at least. Should I break no contact and respond to her by text or call? I’ve heard we shouldn’t ignore them but she didn’t actually say anything just called and I missed it.
I can never get to that first meeting. She breaks no contact and reaches out with breadcrumbs. I offer to meet up somehow somewhere and as usual, she pulls an excuse out of her butt and won't make any effort to meet. Nothing but little doses of rejection. And to add to that, she is seeing some other guy- some asshole who managed to console his way right into her pants.. and yet she still continues to string me along with false hopes and BS. It hurts so bad. What do I do coach Ken? I'm trying to walk away from this shit.
Damn right she is. If she's got this other clown in her life, why is she keeping me in her life? I don't call her, message her, or try to see her in any way. but she will reach out to me with non-sense.@@danilaroche1156
When my ex contacted me after 6 months I was friendly & reserved, when she asked what I’d been up to I told her the truth- that I had been putting time into my business & things were going well.
Within 48 hours she started bringing up other guys to me in her messages- I told her it wasn’t really my business & id probably rather not hear about it or get involved if she’s seeing someone, I said I was open to a catch up in person maybe but didn’t see much point in getting into a just texting situation together.
Long story short over the next few weeks she basically attempted to get reactions out of me & appeared to want to upset any peace I’d found while not contacting her & being single.
This culminated in her saying ‘I don’t think we should talk anymore’ & ‘im with someone’
Which instinctively I felt may have been the case the whole time. She then just blocked me.
It pissed me off tbh, but this other guy can’t be worth much or why bother me 🤷♂️
Be gone
@@Shippendales yeah I hear you mate, I didn’t give her whatever reaction she was looking to feed on, I was surprised how pissed off it got me though considering 6 + months of no contact.
I know I was very good to her before she broke us up so the bar has been set for any new guy, that’ll be her problem to deal with not mine
Im surprised that exactly same thing happened to me , my ex came back said she missed me and wanted me , but after the hook up , i found out she was still contacting another new guy who had hooked up with her . That was a small confrontation, then after this two days she said we shouldnt talk anymore and i blocked her , she blocked me as well.
Definitely her loss! The right lady for you will show up!
She sounds very self centered and delusional. God has better for you.
It sounds like with all the talk about other guys ( which was inappropriate) was trying to make you jealous. That sounds immature and was baiting you into a reaction. You acknowledged but didn’t react in any kind of unreasonable way. You did your part, she?? Still trying to bait you. You did right not to react it sounds to me. Hang in
Once you feel you’ve been ignored never bother them again.
Wise words.. my ex and I have had an on/off 5 year relationship, due to differences in our lifestyles. Last 2 years we've only been in the 'friend zone' - he recently told me he had 3 dates with a woman. It has derailed me completely.. I always felt and hoped we'd come back together.. we are soul mates. After letting him know the door is open to rekindle.. I told him I had to bow out of contact to protect myself. It's only been 2 weeks, and it's been so difficult.. my mind focusing on only the good times with him and creating stories of him moving on. Torture.. I will continue but it's really been tough some days. Sending support and love to others who are suffering the same. 💔
my story is similar on/off relationships is not something anyone deserve especially if you're the one who wanted more. you're more real than them
sending you healing energy@@Ahicksaf
I'm feeling rejected myself.
Maybe if you did some something to better yourself?
Feeling rejected makes you feel less than others. It makes you feel inferior, and not good enough.
So why not do things that are hard in order to make yourself feel better?
Working out ....helping people ...becoming valuable to your friends and family?
Update?!
@@kenbear9290 It's been months... I broke the no contact after 7 weeks, and we've exchanged messages.. it didnt' help me.. just like picking a scab that was healing. I've since blocked him and decided to 'move on' with my life. I still think about him daily.. it's unhealthy, but I do it because I'm still single. I know I'm worthy of more, but I loved the idea of him - he was never really going to put the same energy into the relationship as me. Tough lesson that I wouldnt' wish on anyone.
Our culture has made it so easy for people to break their attachments. I can see extreme cases of abuse or addiction, but decent relationships are tossed away and I think that is harmful to our spirits.
I agree. Satan is upping the ante. Wreaking havoc.
my bad i’ve been upping the ante. wreaking havoc
@@burglar7523 Repent and call upon the name of the Lord Jesus!
Agreed . It's very harmful to our spirits ti have to sit and wait in games if someone wants you and stress will they come back
It happened to me. My wife left me for no reason after 20 years of marriage and 2 wonderful cheating. There were no issues on either of our part. She just said “I don’t want to be married to you anymore” and left. I’ve been absolutely devastated for the last 2 years. Neither of us are dating anyone and there is no reason not to put our differences aside.
Be the one to end meeting first.
Coach Ken like you mentioned in your first live video, like when exchanging things at end of relationship @meet up… same rules apply, “end meeting first; be joyful, & a bit playful, have somewhere to be going and say you have people waiting on you!” Be dressed nicely 😊don’t be over chatty, let them earn the conversation & earn the information, also they don’t need to know everything!!! It’d be best for them to not be aware of how they may have been your motivation to make changes. Don’t even discuss any of that- EVER! Puts to much importance on them. No 😂 😊
Y’all GOT THIS❤
Let them notice how you’ve changed and let them comment on it… gracefully respond with, “thanks for noticing” let them earn everything about you- you know you are & have to offer, but remember, Always be okay by way of setting and enforcing boundaries by consequences & so they know you are serious that you will walk away if they continue to cross your boundaries, they need to be aware of this fact by consequences after communication has been advised of the issues.
Nice bit of advice! Would you mind sharing what you mean by "let them earn the conversation and earn the information"?
@@Cali1414 if he really loved you he would’ve stayed anyways.
lol the Spotify stalking really gives you the info you need... you dive deep into their souls
Relatable
You are a blessing. Thank you for your social service. Content and strong people make the world better rather than being destructive.
Coach Ken is the man. Fo sure!
Well said. Coach Ken is a cool dude!
Coach Ken, ROCK of MANkind!
Only love & respect for your valuable work and truest teachings!
Much love Air!
8 months NC + Long distance.
I know it’s hopeless but it’s great to prepare with you coach :)
1 yr 3 months finally..
Update?
@@Dia16d now 1 year and half No contact. Nothing has changed
On day 27 here (wow, I almost can't believe it) and just hoping this will be relevant for me one day 🤞
Day 21 here. Still hurts
Update?
Hey Coach Ken, you have a way of delivering the message, that is: powerful, believable, and entertaining. A rare talent.
Very kind of you to say - thank you Furgal!
Excellent video. Mad Props Coach Ken! :)
my ex contacted me two weeks ago after about 6 months of no contact. it was midnight, i answered the third call. i figured after three calls it must be important, but he says "im sorry i shouldnt have called". i immediately hung up, out of disbelief honestly. he proceeded to call and leave slightly incoherent (probably drunk) voicemails until about 1am. i didnt answer again because i felt like if he really wanted to speak to me, he would call at a decent hour and sober. but havent heard from him since. its a relief to know he is definitely still thinking about me. but its disappointing that even after 6 months, he had nothing to say when i answered.. just hope if i hear from him again, he is actually ready to speak.
The truth does come out when people are drunk though. He must still think about you if he called you. Even while drunk.
He is embarrassed and/or does not even remember calling!
Have you heard from him?
@@lineakristensen1821 hi i actually just saw your comment, we actuallly got back together shortly after i posted this comment! i didnt hear from him for about a month after the calls, so i reached out. i approached him with the idea of being friends, but he insisted that he wanted to try things again and get back together. we have now been together since september and things couldnt be better!
Who broke up?
The grandma with a toaster killed the goldfish part😂😂😂
Not me using the “i have people waiting on me” and it killing me inside 😂
Love your videos coach. I did nothing wrong. She’s an avoidant and I got dumped twice. TWICE! I’m done, in no contact for almost a month. The killing the goldfish and hitting their grandma with a toaster gives me a good laugh I need and makes feel just a little better every day. 🙏
Let them do most of the talking or reply the same energy .. don't sound desperate.. Thank you
Listening is the best strategy. You want them to do most of the talking.
Coach Ken, I am in the eye of the hurricane right now and your videos are helping me so much. Just wanted to say thanks. 🙏🏻
Yoooo this dude is hilarious😂 I love it!
Been in no contact for 2 weeks my gf broke up with me of 5 years and we knew each other for over 10 years . I went cold turkey after she rejected talking all of a sudden today she messages me saying she wants to talk and pick up a cheap computer monitor that’s worth nothing . I think she was feeling the effects of me being gone and broke used a shitty computer monitor as an excuse . The other week she tried to message my sister to say that she has gifts for the kids but my sister shut that that down didn’t even reply . I think she though I would beg chase forever she realized that I left actually and wasn’t begging
Same. What happened ?
‘I’ve been under the porch hiding the whole time’ made me 😂 .. thanks 👍🏼
Like a rubber band affect as you’ve used as a way to explain our anxiety in waiting brings on the anxiety when they reach out and we, “snap back!” Great video coach!
I recall myself upon his reach out doing just that… snapped back & shower too much excitement! That was a mistake, but I was able to correct it right away by not pursuing. & match his energy or just below his energy (even better), & treat him with continued (no contact) only responded when he reached out.
The first reach out in their part we need to treat them as guy who’s a friend or acquaintance… never mention anything about the time spent in no contact & do not discuss the relationship at all. Save that for a time when & if they mention they wanna try again. Then that’s when balls in your court & you renegotiate the contract and air anything needed & set your standard. It’s my opinion you don’t discuss your resume over no contact time spent. You don’t need to sell yourself to then & if you try to sell yourself, you are showing insecurities & that you spent all that time NC on making yourself better for them, not for yourself. Not attractive at ALL!
Do you still have spots available for new coaches? And till have access to your training program? I’m highly interested in coaching. How do I get that information?
Coach Ken is amazing🎉!!! Yoire understanding of the passion you have for & knowledge you have the way you articulate the information, is priceless! Best coach out there! Thanks for what you do! If they’re coming back to you, they need to sell themselves to you now 😮😊
Don’t snap back & undo all the strength you showed while in no contact. Because you will look like a fool! & they’ll now of next time you need to go no contact that you are a fake! & will call your bluff once again & will take longer for then to come back around than the first time. When they come back, let them earn you back over time & slowly. Don’t be easy to get, but be fair. & for goodness sake, have some pride for your body & respect, don’t give them your body!!!!
you do, we do, needs to be for our selves; growth & ❤️🩹 healing.
PERIOD, or they won’t take you seriously 😐 it’s okay to use them as motivation to become a better version of you, but KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF & be able to validate yourself!
Boss up y’all ~ Alisa ❤
you can reach me at coachken@dotheyloveme.com regarding the coaching workshop - putting together dates now
Good advice. I am wondering if you know anything about the effect on autism on no contact. My ex has it, and I recently found out I have it as well. He said he would always be my friend, no matter what happened with romance. I get the feeling that autistics are less likely to change their mind, so I don't know if I should reach out as a friend. We spoke briefly just shy of 60 days post breakup, and I kept it light and not about relationship stuff. He lent me something, and I mailed it back at about 90 days post breakup with a light note. I'm not sure what to do from here. Is no contact over?
Ya, i was angry at first, then too much, I need to detach again. Take it slow.
If u talk as much as you write....poor fella must have headache
Great advice. But I was in a relationship on and off for 10 yrs, so my situation is way different. I know a lot of his tendencies. I was only part of the reason for the breakup. I have done a lot of research on NPD, which I believe he has. We have both had personal growth but there's so much more
Be patient with yourself and that pain - NPD makes it very unlikely there is a happily ever after with him for anyone - not just you
Just wanted to share that there are other "pathologies" that can end up displaying similar traits as NPD, but without the destructive intention behind.
I am thinkkng for example about hings such as autism, avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment styles.
I am saying this because me and my ex ended up diagnosing each other NPD but none of us were. I am more autistic with an avoidant attachment style, she had a fearful avoidant attachment style.
Thank you for sharing @@nickskywalker2568
Hi. Thank you for a great video. You have a really great way of creating mental pictures that makes it make sense and brings it home. That made a huge difference for me.
Thanks Francois! One of my favorite compliments to hear - I like speakers who paint pictures as well. Used to make Algebra class very frustrating for me when I was younger
Lol, I love Coach Ken’s realness and the fact that he knows how us anxious types work!
Ken, your videos are excellent! Directly to the point, and very well presented. ❤ People love you!
You're very kind as always! Thank you!
@@CoachKen You deserve it, Ken. ❤️
Stuck in the “I’m going through it and I just need my space. I’m sorry.” Which is worse in my opinion cuz I don’t know if she wants to stop seeing me or not. And for context things have great and then there is a complete 180 over a slight disagreement over nothing. So awesome.
Getting a call or text or email from your ex-partner, then be civil and just block them afterwards. Bump into them in some place, then be civil and polite and avoid returning to that locality again. Its a big world full of new opportunities without rehashing what has proven unsuitable already.
I'm 60 and she just turned 56. I am the one who broke us up, and also partly responsible for her moving 300 mi away to live with her sister and daughter. I'm working on myself now.
Been respecting her "There's no more conversation to be had" since early May. Total silence.
Me - counseling, meditation, journaling, videos like this, Stoicism, bike riding and fitness and looking for better job after layoff. Breakup AND layoff this year! Yes, it was a bad 60th birthday.
Anyway, if my prayers to God are answered, and she actually does decide to reach out. the thoughtful concepts like in Ken's video here are helpful. There wasn't any abuse, but I did behave avoidantly.
It would be nice to be able to repair, and have a special emotional and physical companion like her in my/our senior years. All of my friends here and who I ride bikes with are married, so I'm kinda fending for myself in everything. I mean even something as simple as grocery shopping I miss her doing that.
Once I get back to work and feeling more "solid" again and have more to offer - if I don’t ever hear from her. should I just forget about love and live out my life as single person? I mean, I AM 60. I don't look it, and I am fit and healthy, but still?
Thanks for your videos. They've helped a lot!
My ex showed up where I used to take her out. I was casual & friendly & invited her to sit with me & mutual friends. She asked for a hug & said she missed me. She said we are going to be friends, and she started snuggling up to me. I did not really give her too much back, but I was loving & kind.
She is a DA & I want her to really choose me & be consistent in her affection. I want her to acknowledge some of the ways she pulled back that dont work in relationship.
Any advice?
Warm and relaxed is fine - but brief - keep it brief. Don't send the signals or communicate pursuit or subtle hope for more. Relaxed and confident and show her you're not only surviving but thriving and confident.
I always think I might not get to this point with my ex. But the way things have been going lately, I better watch and strategize, so I am prepared.
Any news since this comment?
You are the man! I love the message, and intention behind what you're saying. The examples you provide bring it together and allows me to see how to apply it.
You are an incredible man. I would love to have a cancelling session with you. I don’t know how to go about. I’m in Australia but I also have ADHD and I have much to talk about. I don’t know how to get in. Contact. You very much.
Paul Motea
Thanks Paul - would love to speak with you - if you schedule anything at realcoachken.com and email me at coachken@dotheyloveme.com and I can work around a time that works for you
TOASTER 😂😂😂 I NEED YOUR HUMOR RIGHT NOW..TY. 😂😢😢😅
I made the mistake of after no contact, he reached out and apologised. Stupid me got talked into going to his place. Got used, then cruelly dumped after spilling a cup of tea. Got told to take my possessions with me 😢
My "no contact" has BPD, and I initially thought this video was regarding that, as the only other video I'd watched from Coach Ken was about BPD. Whole different situation!
Same here. BPD people have a very "particular" pattern of behavior.
I also have a BPD ex, can you tell me how you handle the situation? And also how is it going on your end?
@@kelvinenrico2155 I wish I had some better advice for you. Short answer; run far and run fast! Unfortunately, I know that's easier to say than to do. I didn't listen when people told me, but I would've saved myself a lot of heartache and a lot of money. 12 years and two children, (which she won't let me see). Longer answer; learn all you can about BPD. Coach Ken has several videos about it, also Lisa Leblanc and others. I'd read several books and thought I knew a lot already, but YT is where I learned the most. I knew she had some problems, but I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.
@@chuckb470 that's all my friends would say.. But i can't seem to be able to leave her, i love her too much.. She was the one who end the relationship, saying that someday i would regret this if i don't end it sooner.. But i know she's a good girl and i would do anything to help her
You are sooooo right in everything you said.
Coach Ken, you’re the Goat
Much love to you brotha
Thank you for this video. Dumped, he broke no contact after 8 weeks. He's hot and cold. We've slept together a few times and been on some dates. I only end up feeling confused bc his communication is inconsistent, going 1 week without contact. I try to think abt us making new memories and creating new boundaries but sometimes I think abt cutting the cord completely. I've been so anxious about this entire thing.
You have a soul tie. A stronghold created thru premarital sex. Turn to Christ. The Lord cares for you.
im in the same boat, what ended up happening & what did you do?
@@nylaaaa8607 I'd recommend to stay away from this person. If they won't marry you or love God..they are using you.
You too have a soul tie. That's why u can't get away.
I'm sorry to read about your experience. Anyone who runs hot and cold is confused and conflicted. Could he be avoidant? Anxious avoidant? One of the problems with no contact is that it won't solve the problem if the person really needs to see a mental health professional.
Have you listened to the Deeper Dating podcast? The "How to Heal the Trauma..." episode from November 30, 2023 might be insightful.
I been under the porch sweetheart.
HA! (that's where I recognize you from)
Great content, and very well presented! Thanks!
Whether because of the algorithm or simply the lack of “No Contact - Then What?” videos, this is the first I’ve seen. Wish I saw it before she reached out after 18 months - and I jumped out from under the porch. Dammit.
I expect she’ll probably reach out again, and I’ll be ready to listen rather than react. This will also put the ball in her court. In the meantime, I’m getting on with my life on peaceful, solitary terms.
My ex contacted me after 6 months to talk & get “peace” he said literally nothing…then came on to me obviously we did the deed, then told me a few days later it’s not going to happen again, and he just wants peace .. I said ok few days later I responded saying I had time to think about what you said aka didn’t say and I’d like to meet and discuss things for peace too.. once again he lead the way and we did the deed a lot a lot… week later said that the cycle needs to end and we are never getting back together and I need to understand that.. which in fact I never brought it up. I’m not confused about anything besides: how he wanted to make peace and said literally nothing of the topic & how he constantly repeats how we are nothing & feels nothing for me, but I never asked AT ALL. I went into our first meeting blank bc I was genuinely giving him the benefit to speak and now I’m here even more annoyed.
Really appreciate your videos. You have obviously been where I am at. You go into the real feelings we go through. Thank you.
Dynamic solo
My ex broke contact with me around 2 weeks ago, we met up and entered intimate relations together and have since gone back into no contact, this video as around 2 weeks too late for me but hopefully it can help me for the next time
".....unless you're a psychopath.....",this was actually hilarious😂...thanks coach!
Coach Ken does this information still work when the reason for the breakup was I was spending too much time at work and not enough with the family, how will no contact work when no contact was the cause... thank you for all you do.
You should acknowledge your error and apologize.
Coach what would you recommend if in that meeting they ask you if you’ve slept with anyone? Should you answer truthfully or say something like “I don’t think that’s something we owe eachother an answer for at this time.”
Also why should we do like a quick coffee meet where I’m the one to say “it was nice seeing you I gotta go.” Versus a nice dinner date where you hang out with them even afterwards?
Wish I heard this earlier today 😮😮
10 months NC....he won't reach out...If I am wrong I will come back and let you'll know 😅
Still nothing ?
@@di114n2 nope and it will be a year soon ! Just like that went I love you to it's over and never communicate again after 3 years. I am glad because I have been able to heal but cutting people dead isn't something I am used to or experienced before. I makes you harder and less able to trust.
@@Growwithgrace101 I’m in the same boat. Today makes day 4 of no contact . The last time me and my girl talked she said she’s not thinking about us getting back together . She said certainly not saying never again but I’m just working on myself and you should do the same. We had 5 years together…….. so Have you moved on to dating other people yet?
@@di114n2 it's almost a year and no I am not dating as I wasn't ready. I am happy single being with my ex was a choice and I waited a long time to feel I could commit to someone. I might start to be open to dating soon but I am not in a rush as it is a minefield out there! God knows why my ex thought he would rather get on Tinder than have a safe loving partner who was happy with his querks and relationship dynanic. I will be fine he will repeat because he isn't facing his inner issues.
Helpful as always. Thx Coach!
Good content ..thank you Ken ..I subcribed
Excellent advice per usual!
Great video bro.
If you get more than a couple of weeks down the road you have to seriously ask yourself if this person was the type to build a healthy relationship with you. It’s probably highly likely you inadvertently tangled up with someone who was always playing the field you included. I say that for myself as well.
He reaches out and I cave and the cycle repeats. Now it’s time to not cave. I’m missing work just to avoid the cycle.
You shouldn't be sleeping with him. He's not your spouse. Stop self sabatoging.
@@danilaroche1156 I’m sorry, is he your spouse?
3:30 no contact bcs re-leveraging in their head less in our; do not go in candy store to not eat candy
I'm beginning day 1 of no contact right now😔🙏🙏
Your videos are incredibly helpful sir, thanku so much for everything... my bpd gf, just discarded me and got a restraining order...I sure wish I knew of your help sooner😔
She's so angry at me and it's terrible now..
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
I left him, for good reasons. He was emotionally unavailable, but i’ve tried to apologize, we did meet up and it was wonderful but now he’s back to not forgiving me. Help
Coach you the best
Coach Ken, I love your style. I blew a No Contact break by not really knowing what to say. He starred at me and I starred back. It was just pathetic. Two lost people that didnt know how to communicate properly. If i knew it would turn out like that I would havw written everything down
I want others here to have the best shot and not waste their prolonged energy and heartache. I dont think a short plantonic meeting on neutral ground is effective. They have to earn another shot with you because they broke the relationship, which means they have to come to you, in the evening, under the pretense that there's a possibility of romance.
This weeds out the intentions of someone that isn't serious or is just looking for reassurance on their choice. Say you're not up for a coffee, but extend the invitation to your house. They'll instinctuvely know what that implies. Play it as relaxed and stay focused on fun, but set the terms and conditions. You need to be the one who is pursued, because they were the one that left.
nah
Hi Coach Ken! Thank you for all of your advice! I am waiting for my ex to call me to return my clothes that I left at his house... how should I handle the conversation if it is just to return my items?
Great speech, coach. And as always: more than helpful, and in my view necessary. I am grateful 2 u! ❤
My ex broke no contact just to say the door is well and truly shut. *sigh* and she was terribly unhappy.
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
I would just say, "Who is this?" Like you deleted and forgot.😅 The bpds play to many games.
No consistency ever.
U always make me laugh
We talked for an hour. I did everything right and when she went with me in the elevator i kissed her and she returned it. We kissed for 20-30 seconds. Its been 4 days and I still haven't heard from her. What do you think? Am I doomed?
No - not doomed - but he's too assured that he hasn't lost you - let the no contact humble him and drain some of that over confidence
I went no contact for 21 days .
After we met up because of the hurricane and he had to give me some mail.
He told me he missed me, to go back to the house after he got back from a trip with his parents .
We ended up sleeping together.
The next day he was back to being so cold.
Said he still needed space and he ended up going to a concert.
I was back to square one , back to crying and trying to talk to him.
I felt soooooooo stupid for breaking no contact I felt so used.
At this point I don’t know if no contact will work again but this time I feel like I learned my lesson .
We broke up because he wanted to go out with his cousin who recently divorced, they are both 37 .
Is like they want to live that young life again of partying going out.
I feel so dumb!
Great video! I am after the first meeting ( the coffee). It was positive, we didn't touch topic of break up. At the end he said to be in touch for the next one and hugs me in the way I felt he miss me. But since 2 wks I am in NC again. He sent me 2 days ago pics connected to our relationship and some joke that we had only between us. I am confused. It doesn't look good for me...that he wants come back. And I don't want to be just a help for him in the weak moments. Should I ask next time he reaches me out why he is doing it?
If he left he should make his intensions known. He sounds a tad bit flaky. Pray about this relationship. God will show you the way.
I wouldn’t mention it. And from your text I do not understand why you think it doesn’t look good. I think he is testing the waters. Let him initiate contact, be friendly but not overly excited. Let him chase you and do the work. After all, if he wants to come back, he will first have to re-earn your trust.
@@BrokenPhoenix42 Yes, he should be clear and intentional. Don't overthink things. You must have a full life. You can't be that anxious. You slept with him & now you are bonded with a soul tie. Are u familiar with that? Do you know the Lord Jesus?
Well ive been threatened with a restraining order so i dont know if these videos help a whole lot
Positive aspect of that is you have no choice now but to prove you're strong enough to live without her
@@CoachKen just to rephrase man, your videos are really helpful. Thank you for what you're doing🙏🏽
Let me just date this man and save myself from heartache by guys who dont understand to love and be loved. What do you think Couch Ken...
Hit the Grandma with a toaster?! 😭
Ashamedly, I tried doing that. But her grandma man. She knows kung fu or something. I still haven't recovered from what happened.
Good video. Thanks
I appreciate you.
They said happy birthday after 2 months NC and they are in a new relationship now. I said thank you and no response. Should I have treated that differently since they redhead out?
Hey coach. My situation doesn't fall in these categories and I would like your feedback. I was dumped after 4.5 years because she had lost feelings. She reached out after two months, we arranged a meeting at my place, she came, we talked (she actually did 80% of the talking), laughed and had a good time. The breakup or anything regarding this situation was never mentioned. After 2 days we both left town for summer vacation. She posted a lot of her vacation on Instagram. It has been more than 20 days since the meetup and I haven't heard from her. Do you thing it was because of the vacation or because she got her validation and didn't want anything else?
Stay no contact. She’s thinking of you
Only the Lord knows. I'll tell you this much. As a woman..if my boyfriend didn't marry me after even 2 years..I'd leave too. Anyway..stay in NC. Pray about this. You want to marry her?
@@danilaroche1156 marriage wasn't something either of us wanted. I get what you mean though-a form of commitment. I turned down an offer to live with her. I regret it every day..
Hi Coach Ken, I was just wondering if No Contact works in a situationship with someone who has bpd? We’ve been intimate , hung out a lot and we got really close but then she said she isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m certain she likes me tho because despite this she calls me everyday but lately has avoided seeing me in person and blows me off whenever I ask to hang out. It’s hurtful because it feels like I’m getting led on now but she’s also showing signs that she’s still interested. Is NC the best way to play it?
Ignore them. Act covert with your phone, look sneaky about it like you are hiding things. The person will go wild for you. You will be so sorry you got involved with this BPD person.
In the past, my guy would text asking me to call him to catch up or tell me a couple of thoughts he has. How do I respond to that?
sincerely depends on the situation and details of the breakup. Usually respond with equal or less energy - but again, thats a guess on limited knowledge
F all this. SO much easier to start fresh with a new person.
I feel like i messed up, no contact for a month, he stumbled upon me at a festival, he approched me and said hi how are you doing, and i was taken by surprised that i panicked and all i did was gave him a weird look and said we'll talk about it later, and continued to hang out with my friends and ignored him, i also never texted or called him, i feel like i messed up. He also seemindly got up before an event we were bith watching finished and left, he didnt come back, i was sitting near by him cracking jokes, luaghijg and yalling to my friends. Thoughts? 😬
I also have to contact him soon to recover some belongings.
Hello, pls someone reply to my question.. Does this also apply with an ex who has BPD? My ex girlfriend seems to have it and i'm scared of making wrong move
Yes it does - but even more important you don't come across like you can't live without them. Project strength
@@CoachKenthx for replying coach.. recent update, she said she hate me now.. Because apparently my friend who doesn't know i've broken up with her, said I'm still her boyfriend to her new community she recently joined and apparently she doesn't like it.. She said it'll be the last time she ever call me and if i ever bother her she'll report me to the police.. I reply to her saying that i didn't say anything bad about her to any of my friends, but apparently she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Does this mean that the bridge is already burned? I have no chance anymore? Pls reply, i still love her... If i can't get her back, at least i don't want her to hate me.. I don't want all the good memories we've had ended with hatred..
coach, my gf broke up with me 3 months ago, throughout this time we have still kinda been together like we were dating, until i finally told her that we have to stop talking. did i kill my chances by staying with her another 3 months? feels like i walked her through the pain without letting her miss me. Im going into no contact now. will that still make a difference? will she still feel the loss? she had been the one reaching out to me whenever i would try to stay away from her.
What if your husband reaches out but to say they want to come get their stuff? Ive been in so much pain. He stonewalled me (again) so this time I took it as a break up. Hes kind of going along with that expecting me to plead for him to stay. I just dont know what to do. If I let him collect all his stuff, its definitely over.
Hi coach ken, my situation is that me end my ex booked a ticket for a vacation going home (same seats and everything) we broke up feb 14 2024 started no contact april 4 2024, and vacation will be on may 15, how will I handle the situation if we meet at the airport?
After two weeks, he came back, bought 2 tickets to Vegas, calls and texts all the time, came to see me in the hospital. We only dated a month, but he says he made mistakes (he broke up with me), I was so touched I started doing what I always do, putting him on a pedestal. It's only been a week of contact, too late to pull it back and detach? Help. Should I ask him what his intentions are?
Not sure why you’d go into no contact if he wants to see you? But don’t put him on a pedestal-you don’t need to rush into things just because he wants to- sound like love bombing? Just take it slow- keep in mind he broke up with you when he barely knew you, and you barely know this person-
Yup, it lasted 2 weeks and he broke up again lol, I’m DONE.
Cried meeting my ex after staying in no contact for 4 months guess it’s done
SO, KEN, What if there 2nd acknowledgement was a month after the first. The first was in a large group as he was passing by, I waved at him to come and meet my friend from out of town. He was cordial and pleasant. As was walking away I wished him a good day! The next morning through the crowd he nodded at me and had a big smile. I smiled back and move on. BUT THE NEXT REACH OUT WAS FRANK INVITING ME OVER FOR THE NIGHT. I ignored him at 11pm that night. Next day he sent too question marks. I acknowledged his ??. But I told him I didn’t know what to say. I’d just was getting myself together again after not hearing from him so long. I said I’d like to be with him. ( which wasn’t the thing I should of said). I did say I’d been really busy. I’d like meet for coffee or get a soda.
So Ken now do I keep ignoring him back after that till he’s reached out again. Where the question marks him trying to just bait me? Feeling depressed. I’m just sitting still. Thanks for the tips Ken!
Yes. He should initiate a date or meet up. Focus on your goals and a strong relationship with Christ.
@@danilaroche1156 yes I did maintain NC a month after the event. He started reaching out but asking me on the fly to come over. When I need to talk. I’ve not ignored him but kept any connection brief. I’m actually in an intensive counseling program now many eves per week. I don’t wish it to be like it was. Be with him then I don’t hear from him for long periods of time. Anyway. Thanks
We had the phone conversation last night and I think I milked the conversation too long and was too willing to give them information. He's bringing me my things next week. Do I have a chance in fixing it?
Be polite and cordial but a bit reserved. It's not too late.
Are you coach Lees brother 😂
Awesome
If they come back, practice emotional self-control. Remember why you went no contact.
What if I broke no contact and my ex wants to meet up for a coffee?
He reached out and asked how I was doing. I reciprocated the same energy back and let the conversation died out but he didn’t ask to meet up. What should I do?
Work on you. If he loves you, he'll ask for a date or coffee. Don't over analyze it. What is God saying?
Can someone help me. My ex borderline just reached out after 6 months of no contact. We had a positive chat for 20 minutes. My messages were on the same level as hers. She said she would reach out later in night. Never did.
2 days later, texted her " hope you have a good day", she did the same. That was it.
3rd day, late evening, I texted her a short message saying "Hey, didn't mean to bother. Just hoping you're feeling better." (She previously had mentioned she was coming down with something)
She replied "yeah, please don't text me daily or this late. Thanks."
It's been 5 days since, and I haven't texted her since I'm giving her space. Am I doing this right? Any help would be appreciated.
Dont waste your time with her. She just want to reverse the feeling of power and control over the situation.
What if I broke no contact to ask for my things back and he agreed and is going to drop it off next week (I live 3 hours from him now). He also said he's been meaning to touch base with me and asked if we could talk this week...
Update?
@@ohnah6261 it took awhile and a lot of work but we're back together. Stay strong and listen to these guys. They know what they're talking about! It's not just to try to get them back either. It's about being a better you and attracting back what you put out.
I wish I watched this before this happened
She reached out by calling me after 10 and a half week weeks of no contact from me. Not sure how to go about responding to her since she didn’t leave a voicemail or text message and it’s been 12 days since. She blocked me almost 3 months ago so I feel like I have to presume with caution and I’m afraid if I do text or call I dont want to find out I’m still blocked if I try.
I’m afraid she’ll falsely presume I’m being manipulative or a coward since it’s been 12 days if I decide to reach out. I also don’t know the motives but it’s a good sign they called at least.
Should I break no contact and respond to her by text or call? I’ve heard we shouldn’t ignore them but she didn’t actually say anything just called and I missed it.
Did your ex ever reach out to you again?
I can never get to that first meeting. She breaks no contact and reaches out with breadcrumbs. I offer to meet up somehow somewhere and as usual, she pulls an excuse out of her butt and won't make any effort to meet. Nothing but little doses of rejection. And to add to that, she is seeing some other guy- some asshole who managed to console his way right into her pants.. and yet she still continues to string me along with false hopes and BS. It hurts so bad. What do I do coach Ken? I'm trying to walk away from this shit.
She's messing with you. Leave her alone.
Damn right she is. If she's got this other clown in her life, why is she keeping me in her life? I don't call her, message her, or try to see her in any way. but she will reach out to me with non-sense.@@danilaroche1156
How do I do nocontact while I work with her.? It's so painful everyday
I’m taking a week off from work to give myself a chance to breathe and heal. He will wonder where I am. it does get better. Hang tough