I'm studying psychology and no one talks about these topics. All that matters for them is statistics..which to me is lying in an official way. I've watched all your videos and I just want to thank you for being true, Daniel!
@@Sketch_Sesh The thing is that psychology is a lot broader than the things you have mentioned, which fall under the branch of abnormal psychology and is not the whole of psychology but just a small portion.
Sometimes in an academic setting these topics tend to appear under the Counselling and Psychotherapy schools. But in a less scientific way more commonly seen in academic psychology
Esse é o motivo pelo qual eu não vou estudar psicologia tradicional. É tudo um conto de adultos traumatizados arranjando teorias para fugir da verdade mais profunda e simples, altamente acessível.
I've been an admitted liar about some very big subjects over the course of my short life. I've lied about achievements and aspirations. I've lied about my emotional state and coping mechanisms. I've lied to friends, family, and employers about things because I knew they wouldn't understand. I've lied about alot of little things, but I've also lied about some very big things before. I've even lied about a close friend dying, or a family member being very ill, simply because I felt trapped, and thought that being truthful would only lead to ridicule, assumptions about me or my life, or losing things I cared about. The simplest way I can explain it is that when you have been taught growing up that honesty and mistakes leads to hurt and heartache, you try to cover up and mask things that you don't want people to see. My parents are very judgmental, shortsighted, easy to anger people... so growing up, not getting in trouble and starting a screaming match at home was priority #1. But what you realize as an adult, is that it's not only normal for a kid to mess up, it's INSTRUMENTAL that they do. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to mess something up or try new things, just because as a kid, messing up or being straightforward meant being harassed and abused. I've come a long way in being more open and honest with myself, but when I'm pressed to talk about my personal life I still have to fight the urge to downplay, fabricate, and sidestep.
I love how you depict children having to cope with their abusive upbringing by lying because our society itself punishes it and they can be harmed, even physically, by doing so!
I prefer people who are honest with me, I beg them to be, because even when it hurts the ego it also releases you from the uncertainty and anxiety that's attached.I feel closer to people that are honest , I can feel their humanity and I like it, I respect them more for being brave enough to tell me the truth and for respecting me enough to make that sacrifice.The truth is highly valuable, it teaches you something, a lie confuses , keeps you in the dark, controls.
It’s hard for me to lie... So I don’t. I really hate myself when I have to lie, and I only do it to protect others. And it comes with a grate cost. People really hate me. When they ask me how are you? And I say I’m sad...they get away from me, when I said my family really hurted me and I realize they did it mostly by choice, people really find it disgusting, but the disgust is not about the abuse or the abusers, it is about me. When I stand against bosses or people with a higher status or whatever, and talk to them as they are the same as me, because I don’t Belive in status, everyone looks at me as I’m crazy. I’ve been rejected so many times, that I decided to isolate. And I remember clearly as I was groing up I realized people expected me to lie, people didn’t like me, I said to myself I have two options, Lie in order to be accepted or don’t lie and be alone. I choose the second option. And it gets harder as an adult, specially when you develop yourself and you know a lot more things about yourself, a lot of terrible and heartbreaking things that make people to feel a lot more discomfort. Even when I realized my parents had (and have still obviously) a lot narcissistic dark triad traits...and it all made sense...to know, that when I felt that they never loved me they actually didn’t. It’s horrible. I wished many times I was lying to me. But I wasn’t, and I always felt I had to be wrong, That I was a horrible person for believing that my parents didn’t liked me or loved me, I felt a lot of guilt. But I knew. I knew the things no one wanted to realize. How fucked up we really were. So I belive people lie because it’s easier and it’s a lot more comfortable and convenient. it’s accepted and in a way is the norm. ( English is not my language so sorry for the bad grammar )
I very much related to what you've described. In french we say: mieux vaut être seul que mal accompagné! It means, it's better alone than in a bad company. God bless you!
people with overlapping delusions tend to get along well. It took me a long time to understand this and stop asking myself 'why' all the time. It's the glue that holds it all together and they don't want anyone around who's poking at their delusional bubble.
The price of becomig truthful with myself and in turn my delusional family unit has cost me everything. I've been called crazy and told I should be put on medication, I've been back stabbed, sabotaged, exiled, been called every name in the book, and have smear campigns going about me to the upteenth degree. It's funny because all these things have been going on my entire life I was just in denail and believed that by continuing to lie in order to be accpted that it was in some way worth it. It's like as soon as I started telling the truth, all the bullshit started violently tumbling out of the closet and it just never fucking stops! The lies on top of lies that I've been fed since my birth is heart breaking to be honest but I'd rather live in my truth, honor my intuition that's been leading me from the very beginning then allow the poison of others to tear me down.
Snap. In every sphere of life, it seems as if the number of bad actors outweighs honest people. Money (and power) exposes everyone's character, in the same way that social media has simply exposed the majority of mankind to be petty, narcissistic, pleasure-seeking automata. Personally, the cost of truth is a small price to pay for peace of mind. It is a price I am happy to pay. Find role models (from history), since our time has precious few...
@@trollsneedhugs I can concur from same experience. It's even worse when people start colluding with each other and even organisations get involved. A psychologist said to me when I described what was happening "there seems to be a lot of distorted thinking going on" - & he wasnt referring to me! Lying helps the world go round. The oldest trick in the book is to accuse the "whistleblower" of mental illness even when theres no evidence for it.
It should still be a DSM. People lie because they get to keep their privacy, they don't get judged for the truth. They can be distant while pretending to be present and nobody knows. Sometimes people lie because they don't know how to feel. Answers are on autopilot. But it is painful because the liar is not a real person. They are too many people all at once 🤫
A lesson I've learned is that it really doesn't work. It's just a bandaid fix for some issues. You're much better off telling the truth in all situations even if it's an ugly truth. It just leads to a healthier outcome most of the time. Even if it wasn't the one you particularly wanted.
I recently as an adult in my 30s started lying to get interviews. Honesty is bad for interviews, my trauma becomes exposed and it makes me look unfit for the job.
I used to be a chronic liar, generally at ages: 12-15, in response to "have you ever kissed a girl?" 15-17, in response to "have you gotten laid?" 25-50, in response to "what does your job entail?"
Thank you for making this video. I grew up in gaslighting family and when I had the chance to move out I started realizing how bad the abuse was back there and they constantly told me Im over reacting or that some things didnt even happen and I felt and still feel so shook up and scared that maybe Im completely delusional. This video restored mt clarity. again, Thank you
Joni Mitchell’s lyrics to her song, “Both Sides, Now” come to mind. ...”It’s life’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all.” Thank you for all your good works Daniel.
It is interesting watching someone lie to you, they know their lying, you know their Lying... Their body language and micro facial expressions tell the full story. It's almost like watching a bad actor.
@@theokirkley They double down, usually anger response in males, and emotional manipulation in females...the (how dare you question me, I am higher than you in the food chain)
@@theokirkley Some people are still expert compulsive liars, in the UK they have fooled all kinds of people, even the police into mounting investigations.
I heard this once from a very intelligent person who said consensus reality is bound by culture and bound by time but not by truth. I am on the autistic spectrum so I value truth very much but find it impossible to rely on most others for it. I am capable of lying to myself when there is no other way out and like everyone else I am a incomplete human still learning. Thank you Daniel for speaking about all these topics. Humans have a hard time living with a myth that is not aligned with reality. Our Christian myth degenerated a long time ago so now it does not serve us. It does not reconcile good and evil, it treats matter as dead and lastly it only brings in the pure feminine not the dark feminine. We need a complete myth to live by or we will perish as a species. Our unconscious acceptance of western christian materialistic culture is our problem.....as if that's they way things are, should be or need to be....oh yeah right.
yea i played along too but the abuse never ended, no one else ever told the truth or took responsibility. i don't want to be in a world where this is what happens.
In addition to the reasons you mentioned, some so-called "pathological liars" seem to enjoy the creative aspect of lying! They lie even when it doesn't benefit them (for example the benefit of giving them the pleasure of gaining control over others). All the works of fiction emanate from the urge to create an unreal universe, and some petty liars simply share this drive with great writers. :)
Why do people lie? 1. Material gain. 2. Drama/ Control. 3. Some other bizarre pathology. I once met a trust-fund man in his 20s who pretended he was: - a scion of the Hapsburg dynasty - an ordained priest in the Orthodox Church (who then promoted himself to Bishop). A most charming and affable chap: mad as a box of frogs, though.
Beautiful conclusion. I experienced that unconscious development process of lying everyday (to survive rageaholic dysfunctional parents and a tyrannical Catholic school), making up stories, lying to avoid shame or punishment, lying that I agreed when I didn't, lying about my true beliefs or feelings out of fear. But probably as a blessing, I was never able to lie to myself. I thankfully always had a pretty severe self-awareness that deepened as I grew up, so the intense dissonance and self-hatred that grew out of my lying eventually forced me to make a change and to become authentic, to champion truth. I realized my low-self esteem arose from my not living my truth. I was betraying myself every day and wondered why I couldn't stop hating myself. I know that the lying was a coping mechanism and I don't guilt myself for it, but it had to stop for me to respect myself. My soul was cringing every time I betrayed it with lies. Only when I committed to being authentic and advocating for myself with honesty did I start to like myself, to become confident, and see the possibility of a positive future for myself. It's a form of self-ownership and self-love that I'm still cultivating, as it's young, but it's so relieving not to live in a confusing perpetual negative relationship with yourself.
i have kind of always been ashamed of how i grew up and the abuse i have received form my parents. so i had to constantly lie to feel “normal.” i never wanted people to pity me or think less of me…this is primarily what turned me into a “liar.”
Thank you for sharing this. I feel similarly and my life has mostly been in Fake it til you make it mode. Faking it for a lifetime has caused chronic health conditions and chronic pain in my body. Van der Kolk's book title The Body Keeps the Score is a truth.
I lie to protect myself. As a gay man living in a state where I can be fired for being so I have to lie. I've gotten so good at lying that I practice my lies when I go to the doctor, to my neighbors, to the lady who cuts my hair. I make up wild, grandiose tales to impress but never go too far. Once I told my hair stylist that I was engineer at an aerospace company and write software for flight simulators. I actually have a friend who does do that so it's easy to get enough right that I come across convincing. I tell my doctor that I'm straight. I tell my neighbors that the girl from work who visits me on weekends is my girlfriend. That the man who moved in with me is a coworker who's having financial troubles. The more I lie the easier it is. People suck. And that's no lie.
Your demonstration is chilling. It's good to hear truths, but it's scary to realize how people generally function. The paradox is that no lie really succeeds in its task of impersonating reality. Even when you "believe" it, you feel something. The anguish is there. We're not well. And in hindsight, when we find out what the truth was, we feel much better, as if by chance. I've never been able to lie with conviction. And I've dated a psychopathic person who lied with ease, on a daily basis. But... it felt. You don't know what to say, you don't know what to accuse, but you feel something not OK, not fluid. In French, the word "lie (mensonge)" is close to "songe", which means "dream", rêverie. I'm re-reading the investigation that Gitta Sereny devoted to Franz Stangl, Sobibor's torturer, who like all torturers had the art of telling himself the facts in the manner that was gentlest on his own conscience. Studying his words while reflecting on the notion of lying, and lying to oneself, is very interesting. And the magnanimous way in which Gitta Sereny asked her questions to gain Stangl's trust and the way Stangl allowed himself to reveal truths, that is very interesting too. I recently read a testimonial from a social worker who helps children and teenagers "in difficulty". She says that ALL very abusive parents know that they are abusive, and put a lot of injunctions, threats, etc. on the child so that the child does not talk, never confides in a shrink, does not betray the family, etc. Exactly what you're explaining.
I just want to simply say thank you for sharing this video with me! I have been raised by a pretty chaotic family, and much of my personality has been suppressed by myself, and most certainly by people around me who do not like what I have had to say. I am realizing much of the value in studying my childhood, and trying to learn and grow on a daily basis, so that I may become closer to realizing my true self. I have truly been moved by your videos, and I want to let you know that you have made a difference in my life! I cannot let people step all over me if I want to respect myself, and I feel as if I have forgotten this fact, and need to reintegrate it into myself. Thank you for helping me realize this :)
You are amazing Daniel, thank you for making this videos, it is difficult to find an honest person that speaks from the truth, as you say to be an honest person it needs courage, and I appreciate that from you. I am always looking for your next video... thank you 🤗
The worst thing about lying to others is that it becomes lying to yourself but the actuallity of what is still doesn't cease to exist and impact your life (even if or when you don't see it). So it's basically making yourself blind while trying to trick someone else..
This is one of the most important, if not the most important for me at least, of all the videos Daniel has made. The more we are honest the most we heal our traumas.
Bryan Post (PostInstitute) talks about fostering and adoption of children and one thing that he mentions is how and why children lie and causes of 'bad behavior'. He relates that some of it can be chalked up to negative reactions by caregivers and that lying is a survival mechanism.
One day I lied for different reason, I sometimes don’t like to share my life details or interests with everyone and usually those people are some old friends I met in my life or relatives or family, for some reason that I don’t even know, I feel uncomfortable to answer their curious questions, and just want to hide from them and block them from some my activities, those people used to be close to me, so they love me and like to catch up with me as I went far away from them, but I suddenly don’t want to stay close with them, and don’t want to be rude with them as well, so they kind of felt that I am pushing them away, and that’s why they want to know why , so they keep trying to get close, and that’s really annoying me, so one day a friend texted me and talked about couple of things that we used to talk about, and then she said (can I call u now? I miss u and want to hear ur voice)and I didn’t like the idea, so I lied to her and find an excuse. I don’t like lies, but I had to protect my self, I just don’t want to be rude but I hope people understand that , I am not interested to be close to them again, I feel like they r stepping inside my personal circle ⭕️, but they don’t intend that, they r nice and respect me and love me, that’s why they like to know my life and what I do, but it’s too much for me, I had some similar experience like this before, and the results was not good, because those friends didn’t understand that , and got disappointed from me and talked behind me and said that I was acting kind and friendly all the time around them but in reality I am not a good friend. And I can’t blame them for that , I cut my relationships suddenly..... I really need help to the best way to deal with those situations, “how to cut relationships “ while they were very nice people and didn’t hurt me, it’s just me who don’t like to have long relationship with every one, I maybe only allow one friend to be close to me , have u been through this situation? Can u give me some advice or make a video about it
I camouflage with my clothing. That’s it. The rest is truth, from within. Always been like that, and my parent hated it, and my teachers hated it, and my friends are sometimes ok with it, but God loves it, and I love Him, before anyone or anything.
Thank you for sharing your life and insights Daniel. I have been working on myself for years using many of the same tools you mention - journaling, dream analysis - really whatever I can do to go deeper and release things that are stuck. From time to time I have a surprising flashback of something that happened when I was young that really devastated me and it helps me to realize why I've carried so much pain throughout my lifetime. But on the other hand, I really love myself now and I believe in myself completely. I never back down because I am so very honest. Honesty is the only way to tear down the walls.
My husband lies to me constantly and every time I try to talk to him and tell him it’s a big problem it doesn’t seem like I get through. I don’t even know if he even has the ability to understand it’s wrong. For some reason there’s this mental block. I think whenever I try to address it he’s just annoyed that I’m bringing up something “so insignificant.” When I tell him it needs to stop he gets frustrated and annoyed with me and says “IM TRYING!” yet he continues to do it over and over so it doesn’t seem like he’s trying. I don’t think honesty is even something I have to “try” to do. He grew up in a really bad toxic family with meth addicted parents, experiencing abuse and neglect. His lying is just baffling to me so thanks for the insight. Now I just need to know how to get through to him and get him to stop. It has me in a state of nonstop stress because I never know what lies he’s telling that I haven’t caught him in. Does he have a secret addiction? Is he cheating? Does he have a secret family? Trouble with the law? Job loss? Without trust my mind can go all sorts of places!
You are profound. I am endlessly fascinated - and touched - by your incredibly right-on and real takes on these aspects of childhood trauma. Wow. You nail it, again and again. You're the best therapist online. "The cure for lying is the relationship with one's own, inner self." Amen. "Truth is in our veins." I love that. "The consequences of being honest." It's true. I have been "lying" about my parents for years. I can't seem to stop thinking about them. It's because I was so conflicted. They seemed so amazing and great - but I was being abused, neglected and betrayed constantly. I need to start coming clean, but I gotta admit: it hurts.
My last therapist did the same thing my mother did: she rewrote history. I'm not even sure she knows that she lied to the trustee during the investigation against her. What infuriates me is that she got away with it! I still can't integrate the fact a therapist whom I used to trust can be so dishonest. It just doesn't compute in my mind.
I believe that when we feel our activity many times like a sacrifice or very stressful, we can stop and look at inside ourselves (with compassion) and, perhaps, we can see something that we could not see before to stop. Then, a new door is opened. For me, is a path for freedom.
Theres a special moment where in a video Daniel says something I've thought for years. It's kind of like watching Einstein explain his favorite books and hearing his favorites are your favorites. It's very validating on a deep level.
Excellent question. When he said children have to lie to protect themselves, it struck a nerve in me. But I still don't want to look at my traumas or sins
@@universeofopulence , sometimes telling the truth might actually get you killed... like that quote, telling the truth in a time of universal deceit is a revolutionary act. To me, the problem is with the fear of death. I hope to overcome my fear and learn the truth about how life continues. That will assist me as I go through this mad world, full of violent people. But if you yourself know the power of truth, you will have no problem helping others
@Lusci Nia ....it's not about me...I help underprivileged kids...so shud they lie to their abusers to save themselves from further abuse or shud I guide them to tell the truth and get abused some more...I wish Daniel wud give some advice regarding this..
@@universeofopulence my thought is, they know their abusers and their situation better than anyone. I think anyone outside trying to give advice cannot see the full picture of their lives, what's dangerous and what's safe, it's impossible. My advice would be to tell them the truth about yourself and how worried you are, and if you are a mandated reporter tell them the truth about that as well, and let them decide for themselves whether they will speak their truth to you or anyone else. At the very least you can tell them that they carry their own truth and you already believe it even if they never say it out loud to you.
I'm OK now. After being away from it, I feel great. Like the people that stood on the out side looking in didn't do nothing,, watching me burn , telling me ohh your parents love u. That I was the problem because they didn't want to get there hands dirty. They don't get to judge me. There cowards.
I lie allot to stay safe, to not look like a failure, that you wont see my brokeness and deep trruama. I lie cause l beleaved l was deficient. To look togeather and a successful person. Cause it works and has kept me safe most of all. I lie to fit in and for admiration. Slowly seeing it hurts me cause l am not being authentic. Thats coming to matter more that l am real.
You need some help. Please seek grief therapy if possible/do the challenging work. I hope you find something that works for you and your loved ones. Lying is a waste of time and the zest of life. You are spitting in your own face and the face of those you desire connection and safety with
Hi. I do not know if it coud make sens for you, but you're a great teacher. if it's possible and if it makes sens for you, you should purpose a new way of being therapist. Your sens of thruth is just amazing. I have a personal question : what is this "thing" of transference ? Why should we pass trough that ? is that not possible to avoid it ? Is there behind a kind of manipulation, perhaps a dark manipulation ? What's that and how can we avoid it and win against this ? it's a lost of self-freedom. Thanks.
I really feel life is just too short I don’t care if the truth offends someone it can’t be that serious it may sting a little at first but they will respect you more in the end. This I know from experience.
Yes l agree my parents use to beat me, and Mark my back. Had to tell the teacher l scratch my back and fall my accident 😮 Dreadful my mum forced me to lie😢
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). .... Many people prefer Illusion to the Truth because they feel powerless to others truth involves other ppl pretend and Illusion only involves us
"Most liars are not thinking, "Ha ha, I'll fool them all," but "Oh shit, if I don't tell these people what they want to hear, I'll be in so much trouble."" - Ran Prieur, blogger
Whats a healthy reaction for a parent to make when knowing their child is lying? Most parents i see often say "why would u lie?? And then u wanna go and vent to people saying (my life is unfare) when in reality it was your fault for lying?? " cause idk if i agree or disagree with those people... Its true that the lier brought it upon themselves the punishment of lying but the parent to specifically target that problem and say things that the child never thought about is kinda weird.... How does the parent just assume that the child is gonna vent else where? And why does it matter to them? Why cant the child express their feeling without the parents saying stuff like that.....
My eldiler mom lies all the time about everything to me. I think she just wants attention from me. It about the dumbest stuff as a result I don’t believe single thing that comes out of her mouth. She told me the she asked for a 2nd coffee at her retirement home and was told sure I’ll pour it on your head. I don’t believe anything she says. If I contract and tell her how aufull that must have been the lies build and build. I don’t even want to talk to her anymore. If I confront her about why she is doing this all the time she gets so angry that i start to fell bad.
Are you playing the truth game or are you playing the game of BS. I've noticed many people tend to change their orientation depending on who they are around.
I No someone that will lie when the truth sounds better. he is a habitual lier he lies in the attempt to convince everyone he lives a more exciting adventuresome life. But everyone knows he has absolutely no clams to fame.
I'm studying psychology and no one talks about these topics. All that matters for them is statistics..which to me is lying in an official way. I've watched all your videos and I just want to thank you for being true, Daniel!
I heard a lot of psychology schools don’t even talk about cluster b, bpd and narcissist traits
@@Sketch_Sesh The thing is that psychology is a lot broader than the things you have mentioned, which fall under the branch of abnormal psychology and is not the whole of psychology but just a small portion.
@@anhu92 cluster B is under abnormal? for real?
Sometimes in an academic setting these topics tend to appear under the Counselling and Psychotherapy schools. But in a less scientific way more commonly seen in academic psychology
Esse é o motivo pelo qual eu não vou estudar psicologia tradicional. É tudo um conto de adultos traumatizados arranjando teorias para fugir da verdade mais profunda e simples, altamente acessível.
And the truth will set you free.
I've been an admitted liar about some very big subjects over the course of my short life. I've lied about achievements and aspirations. I've lied about my emotional state and coping mechanisms. I've lied to friends, family, and employers about things because I knew they wouldn't understand. I've lied about alot of little things, but I've also lied about some very big things before. I've even lied about a close friend dying, or a family member being very ill, simply because I felt trapped, and thought that being truthful would only lead to ridicule, assumptions about me or my life, or losing things I cared about.
The simplest way I can explain it is that when you have been taught growing up that honesty and mistakes leads to hurt and heartache, you try to cover up and mask things that you don't want people to see.
My parents are very judgmental, shortsighted, easy to anger people... so growing up, not getting in trouble and starting a screaming match at home was priority #1. But what you realize as an adult, is that it's not only normal for a kid to mess up, it's INSTRUMENTAL that they do. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to mess something up or try new things, just because as a kid, messing up or being straightforward meant being harassed and abused.
I've come a long way in being more open and honest with myself, but when I'm pressed to talk about my personal life I still have to fight the urge to downplay, fabricate, and sidestep.
I love how you depict children having to cope with their abusive upbringing by lying because our society itself punishes it and they can be harmed, even physically, by doing so!
I prefer people who are honest with me, I beg them to be, because even when it hurts the ego it also releases you from the uncertainty and anxiety that's attached.I feel closer to people that are honest , I can feel their humanity and I like it, I respect them more for being brave enough to tell me the truth and for respecting me enough to make that sacrifice.The truth is highly valuable, it teaches you something, a lie confuses , keeps you in the dark, controls.
Perfectly said.
A habitual or pathological liar does not change.
I fell in love with truth from my lying upbringing
It’s hard for me to lie... So I don’t. I really hate myself when I have to lie, and I only do it to protect others. And it comes with a grate cost. People really hate me. When they ask me how are you? And I say I’m sad...they get away from me, when I said my family really hurted me and I realize they did it mostly by choice, people really find it disgusting, but the disgust is not about the abuse or the abusers, it is about me. When I stand against bosses or people with a higher status or whatever, and talk to them as they are the same as me, because I don’t Belive in status, everyone looks at me as I’m crazy. I’ve been rejected so many times, that I decided to isolate. And I remember clearly as I was groing up I realized people expected me to lie, people didn’t like me, I said to myself I have two options, Lie in order to be accepted or don’t lie and be alone. I choose the second option. And it gets harder as an adult, specially when you develop yourself and you know a lot more things about yourself, a lot of terrible and heartbreaking things that make people to feel a lot more discomfort.
Even when I realized my parents had (and have still obviously) a lot narcissistic dark triad traits...and it all made sense...to know, that when I felt that they never loved me they actually didn’t. It’s horrible. I wished many times I was lying to me. But I wasn’t, and I always felt I had to be wrong, That I was a horrible person for believing that my parents didn’t liked me or loved me, I felt a lot of guilt. But I knew. I knew the things no one wanted to realize. How fucked up we really were.
So I belive people lie because it’s easier and it’s a lot more comfortable and convenient. it’s accepted and in a way is the norm.
( English is not my language so sorry for the bad grammar )
I very much related to what you've described. In french we say: mieux vaut être seul que mal accompagné! It means, it's better alone than in a bad company.
God bless you!
In Spanish: Mejor solo que mal acompañado
people with overlapping delusions tend to get along well. It took me a long time to understand this and stop asking myself 'why' all the time. It's the glue that holds it all together and they don't want anyone around who's poking at their delusional bubble.
The price of becomig truthful with myself and in turn my delusional family unit has cost me everything. I've been called crazy and told I should be put on medication, I've been back stabbed, sabotaged, exiled, been called every name in the book, and have smear campigns going about me to the upteenth degree. It's funny because all these things have been going on my entire life I was just in denail and believed that by continuing to lie in order to be accpted that it was in some way worth it. It's like as soon as I started telling the truth, all the bullshit started violently tumbling out of the closet and it just never fucking stops! The lies on top of lies that I've been fed since my birth is heart breaking to be honest but I'd rather live in my truth, honor my intuition that's been leading me from the very beginning then allow the poison of others to tear me down.
Snap.
In every sphere of life, it seems as if the number of bad actors outweighs honest people.
Money (and power) exposes everyone's character, in the same way that social media has simply exposed the majority of mankind to be petty, narcissistic, pleasure-seeking automata.
Personally, the cost of truth is a small price to pay for peace of mind. It is a price I am happy to pay.
Find role models (from history), since our time has precious few...
@@trollsneedhugs
I can concur from same experience. It's even worse when people start colluding with each other and even organisations get involved. A psychologist said to me when I described what was happening "there seems to be a lot of distorted thinking going on" - & he wasnt referring to me!
Lying helps the world go round. The oldest trick in the book is to accuse the "whistleblower" of mental illness even when theres no evidence for it.
I'm horrible at lying to others which is good but I am good at lying to myself to escape emotional pain. I am happy that I have learned this.
It should still be a DSM. People lie because they get to keep their privacy, they don't get judged for the truth. They can be distant while pretending to be present and nobody knows. Sometimes people lie because they don't know how to feel. Answers are on autopilot. But it is painful because the liar is not a real person. They are too many people all at once 🤫
A lesson I've learned is that it really doesn't work. It's just a bandaid fix for some issues. You're much better off telling the truth in all situations even if it's an ugly truth. It just leads to a healthier outcome most of the time. Even if it wasn't the one you particularly wanted.
I recently as an adult in my 30s started lying to get interviews. Honesty is bad for interviews, my trauma becomes exposed and it makes me look unfit for the job.
I could relate to every single word! Thank you, Daniel, for your honesty! Great video, again!
Nice to know. I was raised with only 1 value. Being honest. Got me more often in trouble then not. But I still admire honesty over lies
I used to be a chronic liar, generally at ages:
12-15, in response to "have you ever kissed a girl?"
15-17, in response to "have you gotten laid?"
25-50, in response to "what does your job entail?"
I understand you. I'm 19 years old and I just want to live somewhere where I don't need to lie in respond to these stupid people.
Thank you for making this video. I grew up in gaslighting family and when I had the chance to move out I started realizing how bad the abuse was back there and they constantly told me Im over reacting or that some things didnt even happen and I felt and still feel so shook up and scared that maybe Im completely delusional. This video restored mt clarity. again, Thank you
Joni Mitchell’s lyrics to her song, “Both Sides, Now” come to mind. ...”It’s life’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all.”
Thank you for all your good works Daniel.
It is interesting watching someone lie to you, they know their lying, you know their
Lying... Their body language and micro facial expressions tell the full story. It's almost like watching a bad actor.
Well said. And if you mention that they are lying, they escalate
@@theokirkley They double down, usually anger response in males, and emotional manipulation in females...the (how dare you question me, I am higher than you in the food chain)
Some people are expert liars, their existence is an act & everyones taken in by them
@@daisy7066 that's 99%
@@theokirkley
Some people are still expert compulsive liars, in the UK they have fooled all kinds of people, even the police into mounting investigations.
Being honest cost a lot
I heard this once from a very intelligent person who said consensus reality is bound by culture and bound by time but not by truth. I am on the autistic spectrum so I value truth very much but find it impossible to rely on most others for it. I am capable of lying to myself when there is no other way out and like everyone else I am a incomplete human still learning. Thank you Daniel for speaking about all these topics. Humans have a hard time living with a myth that is not aligned with reality. Our Christian myth degenerated a long time ago so now it does not serve us. It does not reconcile good and evil, it treats matter as dead and lastly it only brings in the pure feminine not the dark feminine. We need a complete myth to live by or we will perish as a species. Our unconscious acceptance of western christian materialistic culture is our problem.....as if that's they way things are, should be or need to be....oh yeah right.
yea i played along too but the abuse never ended, no one else ever told the truth or took responsibility. i don't want to be in a world where this is what happens.
In addition to the reasons you mentioned, some so-called "pathological liars" seem to enjoy the creative aspect of lying! They lie even when it doesn't benefit them (for example the benefit of giving them the pleasure of gaining control over others). All the works of fiction emanate from the urge to create an unreal universe, and some petty liars simply share this drive with great writers. :)
my honestly brought me troubles always. It's hard for me to live in this world where lying is the norm.
Why do people lie?
1. Material gain.
2. Drama/ Control.
3. Some other bizarre pathology.
I once met a trust-fund man in his 20s who pretended he was:
- a scion of the Hapsburg dynasty
- an ordained priest in the Orthodox Church (who then promoted himself to Bishop).
A most charming and affable chap: mad as a box of frogs, though.
I hate lying. But I'd rather lie than possibly get attacked. So I do it
Beautiful conclusion. I experienced that unconscious development process of lying everyday (to survive rageaholic dysfunctional parents and a tyrannical Catholic school), making up stories, lying to avoid shame or punishment, lying that I agreed when I didn't, lying about my true beliefs or feelings out of fear. But probably as a blessing, I was never able to lie to myself. I thankfully always had a pretty severe self-awareness that deepened as I grew up, so the intense dissonance and self-hatred that grew out of my lying eventually forced me to make a change and to become authentic, to champion truth. I realized my low-self esteem arose from my not living my truth. I was betraying myself every day and wondered why I couldn't stop hating myself. I know that the lying was a coping mechanism and I don't guilt myself for it, but it had to stop for me to respect myself. My soul was cringing every time I betrayed it with lies. Only when I committed to being authentic and advocating for myself with honesty did I start to like myself, to become confident, and see the possibility of a positive future for myself. It's a form of self-ownership and self-love that I'm still cultivating, as it's young, but it's so relieving not to live in a confusing perpetual negative relationship with yourself.
Thank you
Beautiful. Thank you!
i have kind of always been ashamed of how i grew up and the abuse i have received form my parents. so i had to constantly lie to feel “normal.”
i never wanted people to pity me or think less of me…this is primarily what turned me into a “liar.”
Thank you for sharing this. I feel similarly and my life has mostly been in Fake it til you make it mode. Faking it for a lifetime has caused chronic health conditions and chronic pain in my body. Van der Kolk's book title The Body Keeps the Score is a truth.
I lie to protect myself. As a gay man living in a state where I can be fired for being so I have to lie.
I've gotten so good at lying that I practice my lies when I go to the doctor, to my neighbors, to the lady who cuts my hair.
I make up wild, grandiose tales to impress but never go too far.
Once I told my hair stylist that I was engineer at an aerospace company and write software for flight simulators. I actually have a friend who does do that so it's easy to get enough right that I come across convincing.
I tell my doctor that I'm straight.
I tell my neighbors that the girl from work who visits me on weekends is my girlfriend.
That the man who moved in with me is a coworker who's having financial troubles.
The more I lie the easier it is.
People suck. And that's no lie.
How do I know you're not lying about being gay?
These liars also like to create systems and environments forcing others to lie or face repercussions creating emotional and cognitive dissonance
Your demonstration is chilling. It's good to hear truths, but it's scary to realize how people generally function.
The paradox is that no lie really succeeds in its task of impersonating reality. Even when you "believe" it, you feel something. The anguish is there. We're not well. And in hindsight, when we find out what the truth was, we feel much better, as if by chance.
I've never been able to lie with conviction. And I've dated a psychopathic person who lied with ease, on a daily basis. But... it felt. You don't know what to say, you don't know what to accuse, but you feel something not OK, not fluid.
In French, the word "lie (mensonge)" is close to "songe", which means "dream", rêverie.
I'm re-reading the investigation that Gitta Sereny devoted to Franz Stangl, Sobibor's torturer, who like all torturers had the art of telling himself the facts in the manner that was gentlest on his own conscience.
Studying his words while reflecting on the notion of lying, and lying to oneself, is very interesting.
And the magnanimous way in which Gitta Sereny asked her questions to gain Stangl's trust and the way Stangl allowed himself to reveal truths, that is very interesting too.
I recently read a testimonial from a social worker who helps children and teenagers "in difficulty". She says that ALL very abusive parents know that they are abusive, and put a lot of injunctions, threats, etc. on the child so that the child does not talk, never confides in a shrink, does not betray the family, etc. Exactly what you're explaining.
I just want to simply say thank you for sharing this video with me! I have been raised by a pretty chaotic family, and much of my personality has been suppressed by myself, and most certainly by people around me who do not like what I have had to say. I am realizing much of the value in studying my childhood, and trying to learn and grow on a daily basis, so that I may become closer to realizing my true self. I have truly been moved by your videos, and I want to let you know that you have made a difference in my life! I cannot let people step all over me if I want to respect myself, and I feel as if I have forgotten this fact, and need to reintegrate it into myself. Thank you for helping me realize this :)
Your videos are so thoughtful and unique. Keep up with your good work :)
Thank you for the videos!
You have no idea how much you have influenced me in some decisions.
God bless you!
First again! I showed my sister 2 of your videos and she had many AHA moments (suicide & sexual abus pt2) thanks for expressing yourself-irene
Congrats!
You are amazing Daniel, thank you for making this videos, it is difficult to find an honest person that speaks from the truth, as you say to be an honest person it needs courage, and I appreciate that from you. I am always looking for your next video... thank you 🤗
Thank you for being honest by the way 💕
The worst thing about lying to others is that it becomes lying to yourself but the actuallity of what is still doesn't cease to exist and impact your life (even if or when you don't see it). So it's basically making yourself blind while trying to trick someone else..
This is one of the most important, if not the most important for me at least, of all the videos Daniel has made. The more we are honest the most we heal our traumas.
Bryan Post (PostInstitute) talks about fostering and adoption of children and one thing that he mentions is how and why children lie and causes of 'bad behavior'. He relates that some of it can be chalked up to negative reactions by caregivers and that lying is a survival mechanism.
To myself I often say, "It is all (the present paradigm) a lie and that is why it must die."
I have shared this, good one as usual, thank you
The information you provide here is so real and rings so true. It was actually hard for me to hear but also so very helpful.
Thank you so much. Love the clarity of your thinking. Keep up the good work
One day I lied for different reason, I sometimes don’t like to share my life details or interests with everyone and usually those people are some old friends I met in my life or relatives or family, for some reason that I don’t even know, I feel uncomfortable to answer their curious questions, and just want to hide from them and block them from some my activities, those people used to be close to me, so they love me and like to catch up with me as I went far away from them, but I suddenly don’t want to stay close with them, and don’t want to be rude with them as well, so they kind of felt that I am pushing them away, and that’s why they want to know why , so they keep trying to get close, and that’s really annoying me, so one day a friend texted me and talked about couple of things that we used to talk about, and then she said (can I call u now? I miss u and want to hear ur voice)and I didn’t like the idea, so I lied to her and find an excuse. I don’t like lies, but I had to protect my self, I just don’t want to be rude but I hope people understand that , I am not interested to be close to them again, I feel like they r stepping inside my personal circle ⭕️, but they don’t intend that, they r nice and respect me and love me, that’s why they like to know my life and what I do, but it’s too much for me, I had some similar experience like this before, and the results was not good, because those friends didn’t understand that , and got disappointed from me and talked behind me and said that I was acting kind and friendly all the time around them but in reality I am not a good friend. And I can’t blame them for that , I cut my relationships suddenly..... I really need help to the best way to deal with those situations, “how to cut relationships “ while they were very nice people and didn’t hurt me, it’s just me who don’t like to have long relationship with every one, I maybe only allow one friend to be close to me , have u been through this situation? Can u give me some advice or make a video about it
I camouflage with my clothing. That’s it. The rest is truth, from within. Always been like that, and my parent hated it, and my teachers hated it, and my friends are sometimes ok with it, but God loves it, and I love Him, before anyone or anything.
Thank you Daniel!
Thank you for sharing your life and insights Daniel. I have been working on myself for years using many of the same tools you mention - journaling, dream analysis - really whatever I can do to go deeper and release things that are stuck. From time to time I have a surprising flashback of something that happened when I was young that really devastated me and it helps me to realize why I've carried so much pain throughout my lifetime. But on the other hand, I really love myself now and I believe in myself completely. I never back down because I am so very honest. Honesty is the only way to tear down the walls.
It's helpful to live in NYC as opposed to LA -the pressure to smile, and present is incredible.
Great video.
My husband lies to me constantly and every time I try to talk to him and tell him it’s a big problem it doesn’t seem like I get through. I don’t even know if he even has the ability to understand it’s wrong. For some reason there’s this mental block. I think whenever I try to address it he’s just annoyed that I’m bringing up something “so insignificant.” When I tell him it needs to stop he gets frustrated and annoyed with me and says “IM TRYING!” yet he continues to do it over and over so it doesn’t seem like he’s trying. I don’t think honesty is even something I have to “try” to do. He grew up in a really bad toxic family with meth addicted parents, experiencing abuse and neglect. His lying is just baffling to me so thanks for the insight. Now I just need to know how to get through to him and get him to stop. It has me in a state of nonstop stress because I never know what lies he’s telling that I haven’t caught him in. Does he have a secret addiction? Is he cheating? Does he have a secret family? Trouble with the law? Job loss? Without trust my mind can go all sorts of places!
You are profound. I am endlessly fascinated - and touched - by your incredibly right-on and real takes on these aspects of childhood trauma. Wow. You nail it, again and again. You're the best therapist online. "The cure for lying is the relationship with one's own, inner self." Amen. "Truth is in our veins." I love that. "The consequences of being honest." It's true. I have been "lying" about my parents for years. I can't seem to stop thinking about them. It's because I was so conflicted. They seemed so amazing and great - but I was being abused, neglected and betrayed constantly. I need to start coming clean, but I gotta admit: it hurts.
My last therapist did the same thing my mother did: she rewrote history. I'm not even sure she knows that she lied to the trustee during the investigation against her. What infuriates me is that she got away with it! I still can't integrate the fact a therapist whom I used to trust can be so dishonest. It just doesn't compute in my mind.
So sick.
omg! timely!
I believe that when we feel our activity many times like a sacrifice or very stressful, we can stop and look at inside ourselves (with compassion) and, perhaps, we can see something that we could not see before to stop. Then, a new door is opened. For me, is a path for freedom.
Stunning, really good stuff. Thanks Daniel.
thanks for sharing your insight!
Lying...surrounded by them.
Theres a special moment where in a video Daniel says something I've thought for years. It's kind of like watching Einstein explain his favorite books and hearing his favorites are your favorites. It's very validating on a deep level.
big one. sometimes we get to be close enough to the truth that we can feel and watch ourselves the second we are being fake and pretending.
Being honest need acceptance of oneself. The more you can accept yourself the more you can be yourself and to be true.
... Daniel...how do one explain to a child about lies ..when lies can save them from violence & abuse..
Excellent question. When he said children have to lie to protect themselves, it struck a nerve in me. But I still don't want to look at my traumas or sins
@@theokirkley ....I don't know how to guide kids /pre teens on honesty...when lying wud most likely save their lives...I just don't know..😢
@@universeofopulence , sometimes telling the truth might actually get you killed... like that quote, telling the truth in a time of universal deceit is a revolutionary act. To me, the problem is with the fear of death. I hope to overcome my fear and learn the truth about how life continues. That will assist me as I go through this mad world, full of violent people.
But if you yourself know the power of truth, you will have no problem helping others
@Lusci Nia ....it's not about me...I help underprivileged kids...so shud they lie to their abusers to save themselves from further abuse or shud I guide them to tell the truth and get abused some more...I wish Daniel wud give some advice regarding this..
@@universeofopulence my thought is, they know their abusers and their situation better than anyone. I think anyone outside trying to give advice cannot see the full picture of their lives, what's dangerous and what's safe, it's impossible. My advice would be to tell them the truth about yourself and how worried you are, and if you are a mandated reporter tell them the truth about that as well, and let them decide for themselves whether they will speak their truth to you or anyone else. At the very least you can tell them that they carry their own truth and you already believe it even if they never say it out loud to you.
It hurts. It will get better.
I'm OK now. After being away from it, I feel great. Like the people that stood on the out side looking in didn't do nothing,, watching me burn , telling me ohh your parents love u. That I was the problem because they didn't want to get there hands dirty. They don't get to judge me. There cowards.
I lie allot to stay safe, to not look like a failure, that you wont see my brokeness and deep trruama. I lie cause l beleaved l was deficient. To look togeather and a successful person. Cause it works and has kept me safe most of all. I lie to fit in and for admiration. Slowly seeing it hurts me cause l am not being authentic. Thats coming to matter more that l am real.
You need some help. Please seek grief therapy if possible/do the challenging work. I hope you find something that works for you and your loved ones. Lying is a waste of time and the zest of life. You are spitting in your own face and the face of those you desire connection and safety with
Reminds me of my dad because he lies a lot.
I find your talk to be valuable. Mahalo.
Thanks!
Lack of character and quality of the person. Their ego can’t handle responsibility for their own actions
Hi. I do not know if it coud make sens for you, but you're a great teacher. if it's possible and if it makes sens for you, you should purpose a new way of being therapist. Your sens of thruth is just amazing.
I have a personal question : what is this "thing" of transference ? Why should we pass trough that ? is that not possible to avoid it ? Is there behind a kind of manipulation, perhaps a dark manipulation ? What's that and how can we avoid it and win against this ? it's a lost of self-freedom. Thanks.
so true we are taught to lie what irony. they re not interested in the truth. who wants to deal with it.
Truth is my identity. Sat Nam
I grew up in a house that way. We're the reality was just to painful I couldn't bare it.
I really feel life is just too short I don’t care if the truth offends someone it can’t be that serious it may sting a little at first but they will respect you more in the end. This I know from experience.
What you said! That was my childhood.
Yes l agree my parents use to beat me, and Mark my back.
Had to tell the teacher l scratch my back and fall my accident 😮
Dreadful my mum forced me to lie😢
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). .... Many people prefer Illusion to the Truth because they feel powerless to others truth involves other ppl pretend and Illusion only involves us
What if somebody would lie for all rhe reasons except for it works... Maybe it means this person is codependent
49 seconds in and you've described religion in a nutshell, well done.
Simplistic.
Polygraph tests need to be sold in stores so it can be given to anyone at any time.
They are not acurate.
#resistblueisis Aiken county is corrupt! I know. They are only 93 percent accurate.
"Most liars are not thinking, "Ha ha, I'll fool them all," but "Oh shit, if I don't tell these people what they want to hear, I'll be in so much trouble."" - Ran Prieur, blogger
Whats a healthy reaction for a parent to make when knowing their child is lying? Most parents i see often say "why would u lie?? And then u wanna go and vent to people saying (my life is unfare) when in reality it was your fault for lying?? " cause idk if i agree or disagree with those people... Its true that the lier brought it upon themselves the punishment of lying but the parent to specifically target that problem and say things that the child never thought about is kinda weird.... How does the parent just assume that the child is gonna vent else where? And why does it matter to them? Why cant the child express their feeling without the parents saying stuff like that.....
If u don't look at it it's not there, if it's not there u can create something to fill it.
This Video is Rated ''H'' For honest.
😄
Lol... I love you.
My eldiler mom lies all the time about everything to me. I think she just wants attention from me. It about the dumbest stuff as a result I don’t believe single thing that comes out of her mouth. She told me the she asked for a 2nd coffee at her retirement home and was told sure I’ll pour it on your head. I don’t believe anything she says. If I contract and tell her how aufull that must have been the lies build and build. I don’t even want to talk to her anymore. If I confront her about why she is doing this all the time she gets so angry that i start to fell bad.
Youre right, they dont want to be hated by thwir superiors incase they lose their jobs.
If I may recommend a book on this topic, People of the Lie by Scott Peck.
Okie dokie!!! . Seen enough liars. No thanks!
would lying be getting a wrong math answer?
Me ex would cough or clear his throat, before lying about the most. Insignificant.
21st Century Fantasists in the Kingdom of Graves, on the brink.
Are you playing the truth game or are you playing the game of BS. I've noticed many people tend to change their orientation depending on who they are around.
Guess who does this the.Government departments.
Violate people's privacy 🙄🙄🙄
❤
R u talking about a famous gay in Washington DC?
There are many closeted gays in congress.
But Lady Lindsey comes to mind immediately. lol
I No someone that will lie when the truth sounds better.
he is a habitual lier he lies in the attempt to convince everyone he lives a more exciting adventuresome life. But everyone knows he has absolutely no clams to fame.