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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ก.ย. 2024
- DISCLAIMER:
Ken Reads should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. It serves as a platform for validation, psychoeducation, and entertainment. Ken's approach to letter readings differs from traditional counseling sessions.
In his capacity as an Australian counselor, Ken will not provide advice or offer diagnoses. While he may suggest potential issues, he cannot provide official diagnoses.
Whilst attachment styles are not formal diagnoses, Ken can share his opinion on whether a particular attachment style seems evident based on the information in the letter.
Letters submitted should be around 500 words, with a +/- 10% margin. If a letter falls outside of these parameters, Ken reserves the right to decline reading it and will issue a refund to the letter sender.
Ken Reads will accept submissions based on availability.
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Part of what hurts so much is that some avoidants are like an angel partner until the point they ghosted. For those who make it past honeymoon phase, different story! Can’t envy that experience of actually being stonewalled and still in the relationship. But with what I experienced, ghosting in the honeymoon phase, it leads you to feel so completely confused in your own reality as it’s going from a completely incredible joyous and emotionally euphoric experience, to suddenly they’re completely gone and you’re feeling like it all never happened, because it’s gone so hard and so fast. Literally within the same day they could call you the love of their life and hours later, never speak to you EVER again.
Ghosting feels like it turns the relationship into emotional anti-matter.
@@elizabethlane880 tell me about it :/ it's super confusing to be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour from the ghoster...
Oh my goodness yes!! I’m so confused!! We were so sweet and loving and supportive of each other. I saw him emotionally shut down a few times but didn’t think much of it. After our first real argument, he broke up with me two days later and then proceeded to block me. I’ve lost my trust in people for the first time in my 30 years! I’ve never given up on people due to someone else’s actions but I really just don’t trust my own judgement anymore.
@@elizabethlane880 that’s exactly how I feel like wtf did everything was a lie or in my mind?
@@Aufwiedersin yep that’s what it does, and don’t worry it’s not just you it’s all of us xx
@@Picklezzz4 yep same here, the loss
of trust is severe with this! You’re not alone. It’s this experience. We here, many of us have been through it. Xx
My and my ex’s story is somewhat similar to this. When confronted with his behaviors and especially at the end of the relationship, he lashed out at me for no other reason than feeling shame about his own issues. It was so obvious to me, and this realization helped a lot to not take it all personally.
If you think about it, many avoidant and/or emotionally unavailable people behave like stubborn and difficult children when triggered. That’s when you get to see their arrested development very clearly.
Which is not their fault, but it makes no difference as to how hurtful this behavior is.
Yessss 💯 %!!
Same experience here!
You don't need to forgive them or give any more empathy. These people cause so much harm in the world.
My 7 year old niece literally had more emotional capacity and the capability to express herself than my FA ex. It's maddening how low their self awareness and accountability is. Mine kept saying that she is a 'very deep person', my ass.
@@johndoe8923-k2d They are very quick to accuse you of lacking self awareness, though!
@@johndoe8923-k2d they lack zero self awareness when it comes to their issues 😢
This might be a stretch or at least pure speculation - but when Tom got triggered about being physically intimate with Ellie and said that he was looking a life partner and not a fwb - there might be some anxiety on his sexual performance (or even erectile dysfunction) that he feels ashamed of. And then he projects this insecurity to Ellie, to who he actually might be really into and attracted to, but is afraid she will reject him if she knew about his condition.
I want to stress out this is pure speculation, because I don't know these people, but it just reminded me so much of a situation I had with a man before that I just had to point out this possibility. Usually when people get triggered and they are mean about a certain topic, it's about them, not you. And the worst case is that Ellie might think that there is something wrong with her , looks-wise etc, when usually it's not, it just might be opposite. That he feels Ellie is too good for him.
I thought the same, or the other version is that he is so avoidant, he cannot create a full physical contact because he fears he is getting too close and lose himself.
I suspect it was ed, too. He could have just been upfront and said "hey this is an issue for me, but it isn't because I'm not attracted to you" ed is pretty common for men in their 40s. Yes, it is embarrassing, but there are so many medical treatments now that you don't have to be an ass to deflect from your own shame.
This was EXACTLY my thought. Particularly him being in his 40s, and his specific intentional reference to him being in his 40s. He's not telling her that he wants to take his time before having sex...he's giving very weird, mixed signals about it that shows he's hiding something and is dealing with some sort of insecurity.
Interesting. Could also question his sexual identity and or if there is past sexual trauma.
Could be addicted to porn.
Avoidants are literally children lol, that childish behaviors.. and they claim they are logical we anxious folks are emotional.. I listen that letter with chuckles sorry for the fearful one btw
He’s a psychopath . I’m not a counselor so I can say that .
Some of this is familiar. Birthdays triggers! My ex shut me out on his birthdays completely. Afterwards he came back in hard but the final time...5 weeks after his 40th and having suddenly opened up to me more than he ever had...he shut down completely. Said I looked and sounded like his ex who abused him! I asked if I had ever done anything in our 3 years yo make him feel unsafe or hurt him. He said no and that he realises I am not her but he doesn't love me anymore yet 2 dats earlier was telling me he loved me looking into my eyes and gave no indication of a problem, even on the day of the discard, which he spent totally normally with me until the end and dumped me in a park!
Better off out of it...there is no future with these people.
That's called narcissistic abuse
Toxic people have issues around significant dates such as birthdays, christmas etc. They get triggered as It brings back memories of being hurt. No excuse to pass this on however. Good riddance
@@dannywholuv I didn't realise until after our breakup. He wouldn't celebrate his birthday with me and I respected his wishes but it triggered me because we never dud anything together so for me the birthday was an opportunity to spend time making a memory. I didn't underdtand fully. When I looked back at the previous year I noticed we didn't spend his birthday together as he had covid for 10 days before and after! I completely didn't register the pattern as I just accepted where he was at all the time and never pressured him to do anything he wasn't happy to do. Valentines was another big NO. 😅
Here from IG, glad to see more of your content here! 🙂
Very well said, Ken. I would not engage with this type of person. Avoid like the plague.
Excellent advice given. 👍
Ken - Love you for keeping it real! Please keep sharing your wisdom. These videos are fantastic.
He could be impotent at 42
You had some good advice, especially when you told that person to no contact the avoidant. I like your shows and your question answer for him. You did a good job also with your new look!
Thank you Ken for another video!! Many thanks.
A lot of Avoidant’s have problems with ED so that could’ve been the shame trigger around being sexual for him..
Like Ken says this Tom guy has an immense amount of toxic shame around sex. He may sleep around like a fuckboy and feel bad about himself and project. Or he may have had traumatic experiences as a child or as an adult. No matter. That's no way to treat anyone.
But the toxic shame shows up in everything he did around and after the breakup, not just about the sex.
He should realise he's being an arsehole and get help for his trauma.
Interesting topic! Thank you ❤
Also ken you really need to understand that many guys out there are narcissists as we live in an environment that encourages and cultivates these personalities from men
Women too. Personality disorders do not discriminate between the sexes
@@dannywholuv Narcissism is statistically wayyy higher in men. This is well documented.
@@brennam954 and BPD in women. They're both cluster b and such a headfuck to deal with.
@@dannywholuv
Sam Vaknin has educational information on cluster b disorders.
BPD is equal in the genders.
@@SherriFlemming there's plenty of studies out there that suggest otherwise.
Is there a spectrum of this kind of behavior? I feel like most people are not this bad, but they have characteristics of the attachment styles.
If these people are jumping from one relationship to the next how do you know if they liked you or if you're a rebound from another relationship?
You won't know. Treat the person who walked out as a closed chapter of your life and never look back.
Rejection is protection.
Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record.
What you do matters most of all ❤️
Remember why the relationship ended. Do a relationship autopsy.
Karma always has an address.
Victor consciousness! 🌞
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter
I Hear You by Micheal Sorenson
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg
The Language Of Emotions by Karla McLaren
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix-
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Volk
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
@@SherriFlemming Wow, thank you so much for the resources.
I follow you on Insta, but TH-cam is so much more convenient.
The guy in the first letter is just lying and making shit up.
this goes for women too, don't forget. most avoidants i have met have been female.
Me and my FA broke up 3 months ago and went straight in to no contact wasn’t really a bad break up but she was so mean and rude straight after the break up till we blocked each other I kept my calm and didn’t react to her, so fast forward 3 months and yesterday she as heard I’m seeing someone new, so she sent me a really nasty email going off at me telling me she back with her ex and wants nothing to do with me and she doesn’t want to speak to me yet it was her that sent the email I’ve not spoken to her since the break up is this normal ?
No, this is not normal. She sounds really insecure.
@@annewellmann8867 thank you, I dunno where my head is at with her I love her to bits and I didn’t want the break up at all but she did do I respected her wishes and vanished, and I’ve only bin on one date with the new girl, so I dunno what to do now
Normal for an avoidant lol. But no, not normal in general.
@@dallo6196 you don't have to do anything. If you can, just ignore her tantrum. I know it is tough! Give it some time though. This person does not sound secure. Take care and remember: you are worthy to be treated with kindness ❣️
How can we communicate to you that we want to be added to that waiting list for the letters if we dont have instagram?
By emailing me and communicating a desire for letters and to be prioritised.
👍
Love the accent..cannot stand the topic lol
Ken sometimes you sound too sarcastic when you speak and not serious enough