For all my autistic buddies: Do you do any of these things? What's your experience with "hiding" autism? And what helps you be able to unmask? Drop some of your thoughts below - we enjoy learning from everyone here!
I was diagnosed at 44 a couple of weeks ago. I mask to fit into society. I've learned that if I "be myself" which non-autistic people keep telling me to do, then I get frustrated and no one wants to engage with me.
My partner helps me unmask. I don't have to pretend around him. My mother, definitely undiagnosed AuDHD, forces me to mask and put energy into fluff and answering all her questions and if I have the wrong tone or expression she thinks I'm being rude, but will never stop nagging me about refilling the kettle even though I've only forgotten to a couple of times. She's lived a lifetime with a mask on and she expects to see my masked self, because it's what was always expected.
@@danieldunlap4077 The trick is to find other Autistic people in a nice setting and you'll get along like wildfires. I recommend either a Warhammer store or a job in a web development team. The second one is me, and my entire team is literally ADHD or Autistic. It's wonderful. We can be weird and incredibly smart about our specific roles together.
Hiding autism isn't just like hiding your favourite food. It's hiding your favourite _everything._ You can never talk about or show anything you like _ever!_ Not because it's wrong, but because others aren't into it as much as you are and that'd irritate them and you'd have to pay the price for their irritation.
Re: "you'd have to pay the price for their irritation." They would laugh at you if you presented your interests or concerns. That's why we autistics keep quiet in social settings.
I revealed to a bunch of our friends my late Autism diagnosis, my wife warned me I would regret it and in many ways she was right. I immediately sensed how they began treating me differently, as a "special person" and not just like the regular guy they had known over the years. I came to regret my decision to unmask.
Unfortunately, sadly, you found out they weren't actually friends with you. They were friends with a mask. They liked that idea of you, but if they can't cope with You then there's nothing to regret. It's how you weed out the bad apples. It hurts to lose friends. There's people I wish I'd reconnected with after school, university, work. But we're out there, the ones who understand you, and to be honest if you go anywhere interesting, I don't think we're too hard to find.
@@Sadkoi Yes, spending time with quality friends, especially neurokin like autists, is much better than having to mask with superficial "friends". Seems sad to lose some, but now there's room for better ones to fill that void.
I see many people who have 100's of "friends" on facebook and those are the people that I expect not to accept that you have autism (and unmask) because it's a big inconvenience to them. In my opinion, most people on this planet are like that and that's what's wrong with society... it's all about me-me-me. I just have (almost) a handful of friends and not a single one has had a problem with it when I came out with it. On the contrary I'd say, I'm getting more understanding, help and support from them since they know.
Have subscribed and been following you since you appeared on my feed. You are a first class communicator, full of valuable information. I have two grandsons with autism and am beginning to understand far better the way they may be thinking. Thank you so much Chris!
I hardly ever unmask. People are not ready for accepting us for who we are. When I say this, I notice they don't even accept themselves, and the non-neurodivergent. Most of them are just andividualistics and lack empathy. That's what I noticed based on my every day experience.
When my mum was very ill in hospital I went to visit her, I became very distressed and I didn’t understand what the nurses were telling me. I asked them if they had someone who knew about autism who I could speak to. I was told that no-one from the mental health team was available. I was really angry and upset because they didn’t even understand the difference between mental health and neurological conditions. Most medical professionals here in the UK don’t understand, even therapists. The only ones who do are those who are neurodivergent themselves
It's shocking. I went to an ADHD group and they were lovely, but I needed to see a therapist. I was handed a small list of therapists who actually had experience helping people with neurodevelopmental issues. I never got round to calling any of them tbh. It was too much for me when I was already dealing with too much. 😭
There isn’t always a difference between mental health and neurological conditions. These categories are human constructs which don’t reflect neurological reality. For example, schizophrenia is a mental illness, a neurological difference, and a developmental disorder. Depression is a mental illness which may be neurological.
I have tried for years in the US to get a good therapist. Last one said god could heal me. One before knew nothing about the condition, and I had to teach him. Personally, I am finding them next to useless and completely following the wrong scripts. Need to find an Autism / ADHD group to just hang out with. But even then, I find things difficult (never found a great group that fit my needs). So, I completely agree with your final sentence.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and am also SO PROUD of you for advocating for yourself and asking for someone who understands autism. I hope that you keep doing that even after this experience, because eventually someone is going to notice that it’s a problem. Maybe it won’t help you in the moment, but it could help someone else. Also, hopefully someday you’ll actually be pleasantly surprised and get a positive answer. Hang in there. You are awesome!
Me since I was a kid: "Why nobody likes me? Why can't I get/keep friends? Why I can't do these things everyone else can? Why can't I get/keep a job? Why is life so hard?" Me, long over 30+, finding out about autism: "Oh." Doctor, when I ask could I get some tests: "You can't be autistic. You're speaking clearly and making eye contact."
When my doc refused to test me, because "You can't be autistic. You're communicating without help. A test is not required because i say so and i am the doc, i am qualified, you are not." i questioned his qualifications and asserted he isn't up to date if he hasn't visited any seminars on autism since the 90s. Since he was an old school behaviorist close to 70 years of age with a psychological point of view and was dismissive of neurological developmental disorders, he offhandedly mislabled me with narcissistic personality disorder and dismissed me and my concerns. looking back it seems i had the misfortune of meeting a narc in the medical field and rubbed him the wrong way by being blunt and direct and standing up for myself... :D
@@davidbonar5190 we are true poison and bait at the same time to narcs and they just love to mess with our heads. I have been gaslit soooo many times trough all my life in many different situations. I have developed a keen radar in detecting them
I was lucky to get diagnosed young so at least I knew why all that was happening. Plus I managed to keep a small friend group. Though im terrified of what would happen if something where to happen to it, because idk if I can do that again.
I have had a very hard time making and keeping friends my whole life. Eventually I would be asked a question, answer honestly, be called a B****… friendship over. In my late 30s I made friends with a small group and have been friends with them for around a decade. Recently the guy who introduced me to everyone got an autism diagnosis. Turns out everyone in the group has or is getting diagnosed one by one. 🤣 I put in a request because my son is autistic and the whole friend group says I’m clearly autistic. My husband is neurotypical but loves hanging out with the group because they’re not judgmental and mean what they say. It’s what he liked about me when we started dating as he is physically disabled.
My son is blind and autistic,has adhd and anxiety he is now 15 and i'm homeschooling him. I always want and encourage him to be himself. He is the happiest person i know with all the challenges he is facing so he is my hero.
I'm employed but usually max out at 2 days a week. My almost full-time heart job I had to leave because of bullying. I just reach my limit on humans. Often, I go full-on and then burn out and have to quit. Being burnt out means it's so much harder to maintain the mask and avoid meltdowns, so it's a very delicate balance.
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for talking about female autism. Masking is exhausting but ensures I can connect with people and get on in the workplace. My workplace has a neurodiversity group and training is in the pipeline. Thank you for this video. ❤
We're finalizing a video that's specifically about female autism that's coming in a few weeks! Would enjoy hearing your thoughts after it's out - and I agree, the masking is really tiring but I understand the pull to do it in order to connect. That's great about your workplace 👏Hopefully with some of the training that's happening, everyone will be able to be more comfortable working together.
I am being evaluated this coming Monday. I am 53. I think that I have really bad autistic burnout from performing (masking) my entire life. I can't seem to cope with the smallest of inconveniences, changes or challenges now, and I used to PUSH through and "succeed" and get myself out of every big crisis without any "shown" issues-stayed employed, housed, fed (had what I thought were random bouts of depression and anxiety, meltdowns, anger issues and volatility that came out of nowhere!!!!) Now if something minor happens, I just about fall apart or panic. I think it's because I am in a safe place mentally now, that's quiet, kids are grown. I have the "room" to look at myself now. I have noticed that the older I get, I seem to get more instances of being let go from jobs by women, because they think i'm being insubordinate, or they don't like me or i'm rude. I think it's simply because I can't perform anymore and pretend to be a woman like them. I don't think i've ever had a bad review or let go by a man- if anything i've been promoted and had good references. Because I didn't have to act like a typical woman with them. I could be honest and straightforward, what other people would think is aggressive, and they did not take it personally. Only time I would get spoken to with the men is if I didn't recognize hierarchies, which I have a hard time with. The irony is that I work in a counseling office now and my boss, who is a licensed clinical social worker, doesn't seem to take any stock in me being autistic. She was a boss at a previous job and said I used to have such a great attitude and what happened lol. That was a mask baby. Chin up and smile and don't let anyone see the panic and uncertainty 😂
@@carlawilliams6730 Yes, my life is very similar. My last boss would bully me for perceived rudeness, hated when I spoke up and asked questions, couldn't acknowledge that quality work takes time - whilst she like my work as delivered she repeatedly asked me to work faster and cut corners. I'm so burnt out, I've taken 4 months off work and I'm still exhausted.
@lynettejwhite part-time is essential for me now!!! Used to be able to work 50 hour weeks. Only reason I can afford to do PT now is because my husband works so hard and we paid our house off. I am currently working 2-3 days a week, with days off in between. I really don't know if it is accommodation or just acknowledging that if they want me to do the really good job that I do I can't work 2 days in a row. I find that if I have a really long day with lots of stress with peopling (lots of phone calls dealing w/insurance billing yuck!), high brainpower use while juggling many details, that the entire next day at home I can do very little, like housework and basic things, but even "fun" things that take any effort. I am learning not to feel guilt over my full-day "rest" days.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was 59. If you were born with autism prior to the 1980s, you were pretty much out of luck. I have seen a good dozen mental health professionals since my teens. Not one of them ever picked up on my autism. The ignorance on autism even among mental health professionals, is tragic.
And if you were a girl born in the ‘70s forget it! I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and bipolar (which I always felt were wrong) before my diagnosis at 42. Apparently I mask well enough to fool my oldest son (28) who I also believe is like me Audhd, but he refuses to listen to me about it. He also believes the 2 doctors who diagnosed him with ADHD as a child were “quacks”. I don’t know how to talk to him about it- Id love a video about late diagnosed adults with grown children who don’t believe them and are also undiagnosed neurodivergent themselves! It has been so difficult.
@@aredriksnow2569 that's interesting your son doesn't believe you or want to hear about it. Usually it's the offspring making the parents realize their own neurodivergence.
I AM myself. Can’t really mask; waste of energy, which I don’t have to waste. People don’t like me. I try to be polite so I can at least hold down a job, but that’s about it. People can feel sorry for a disabled person; they can respect a smart person, even if they don’t especially like that (particularly in a woman; we’re not supposed to show up men); nobody can process being twice-exceptional. “Everything is either much easier or much harder for me than it is for everyone else!”, is how I put it before I knew there was a proper term for this. 🫤
I became a teacher because I hated school as a student. I knew I could make it better for kids "like me." It turns out that "like me" meant exceptionally neuro-divergent (not just weird 😂). I'm happy to say that 30 years of students experienced the wonder of my unhinged exuberance for learning before I burned out in a most epic manner. Tunnel vision, tone deaf, no touch sensation, limited comprehension, blood pressure fluxuation... And then, I healed myself. Its taken almost 4 years but I feel brand new again
Very lucky students to have connected with your neurodiversity. I enjoyed teaching too. Loved seeing the virtual "light bulbs" going on, over their heads. Classroom interactions were usually rewarding, mandatory teacher meetings were tedious. Couldn't fit in. Eventually, substitute teaching gave me more flexibility. Remember subbing a Special Ed class, and the EA (educational assistant) telling an ADHD student to "slow down" while doing his work. If I were in that situation again, I'd encourage the EA to try to "speed up". Told students they could "do the easy ones first" - instead of their getting stuck and stumbling over doing it "in order". An "outside the box" approach, which stunned, yet liberated, a few kids. Also told ADHD kid to answer quiz questions at a comfortable (fast) speed, then re-do questions, but not looking at 1st answers. Re check, and re-do those with different answers. Doing a quiz 3 times, in same time it takes a NT person to do it once. Variant processes, that I found works for myself, and hopefully some kids.
Note about increasing autism diagnoses: Anecdotally, many diagnoses seem to happen bc a family member was diagnosed. I personally think this is an important part of why diagnosis rates seem to be exploding. Consider my example: I have a partner and we have a kid. I was the first to discover that I'm autistic, just recently. And shortly after, my partner and my kid were both diagnosed as autistic as well. But it doesn't stop there: I've been sharing info with my parents and siblings and even my in-laws, and so far several of them have already discovered that they really resonate with all of this info about autism, and I have a several more family members in-mind who are likely to be on the spectrum as well. So, no, autism isn't contagious. But information and awareness is, I guess you could say. And when that information reaches a family of previously undiagnosed but high-masking individuals, you're going to see an explosion of diagnoses (and self-diagnoses, bc let's be real - diagnosis is disgustingly inaccessible to a lot of people). I imagine we'll see the rate of increase in the diagnosis rates slow down and level out to a consistent level again, albeit at a higher rate than before, once the information has breached the majority of previously undiagnosed family systems.
My family all show strong signs of autism, but for some reason don’t want to believe they are. It may also be the case that growing acceptance of neurodiversity is causing autistic people themselves to become more comfortable with the idea they may be autistic and seeking diagnoses, as is the case with me after moving out
also, family live together. family teaches eachother. family learns together. Autistic brains are teaching forming brains how to look at the world from an autistic perspective. So traits and skills and strategies are passed. Plus acquired autism is a thing and curable. Its more than just observance, there’s autism like behaviors and basically acute autism and etc too. Autism is really following the alcoholism AA route. Originally for the skid row alcoholic. Now it’s for the 24 yo who had a dui. Is the 24yo an alcoholic? Or…? At what point does it just turn into a perspective? Some argue “its not a disability!” while cashing disability checks… Its a messy situation.
@@invisibleaccount9284growing acceptance doesnt necessarily translate to seeking diagnosis or behavior though. they would behave the same regardless of diagnosis, so what does that mean? i dont get how being more comfortable changes if they have autism or not.
@@threestans9096no. Autism cannot be learned. Autistic behaviors can be learned, as Leo DiCaprio did for _Gilbert Grape;_ but the underlying brain differences that cause unique needs for neurodivergent people are not "learned." They are physical, structural differences. If it can be "cured," it wasn't autism. It can, however, be more tightly masked, sometimes as a response to ABA therapy. If an autistic person "doesn't do that any more," it doesn't mean they're "cured." It means they're conditioned to act differently.
Ohhhh yes. Just recently decided to inquire about why I act the way I do as I always felt alone, stumbled across the potentiality of being autistic and then I tested, and tested and tested across multiple accredited sites which has led me to wanting to get an assessment to see if my suspicion is correct. I’m certain it is as I’ve been bullied for being different from my conception! Bullying hasn’t stopped since I left the school system and I’ve heard I am a “space cadet”, “moron”, and “weirdo” all because I didn’t fit into the narrative others wanted me to fill. I’ve watched a couple of your videos and it’s like you’re talking to the man behind the scenes frantically pulling the levers keeping up the facade/mask I’ve perpetuated my entire life to fit in! I feel heard and honestly that’s something I never thought I would feel.
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE. I think that one of the major problems is that Autistics are being identified and assessed by non-autistic professionals; Two nurses once came to my house once to test me for dyspraxia. They asked me lots of questions, ticked lots of boxes and nodded a lot…They did not have a clue what they were talking about! But why would they, they were neurotypical, the concept of divergence would be beyond their comprehension, outside of their experience and understanding. They were completely unqualified for the task. What we need is more people who ‘get it’ working in the field.
I feel like it would be ideal if only autistic people could assess for autism. Or at the very least, they should be included somewhere in the process. I bet the process would be much better for the person being assessed and more accurate.
Yes, this has to stop. So I disclose my autism and try not to mask. Doing this has helped me get matched with a job that suits my skills, and I have accomodations at work. In my department of 20, 4 of us are autistic.
Different variety of neurospicy here, so take these observations with a grain of salt. I'm married to someone who has been in the tech industry for the last 30 years, and we've both noticed that a considerable number of his co-workers have been somewhere on the autism spectrum. We've considered why this might be, and considered that tech as a special interest, the tech sector's focus on fact-based decision making (no matter how uncomfortable the facts may be) and the fact that multiple tech companies were founded by people who appear to exhibit autistic traits all come into play here. Plus once a company has hired a certain number of autistic people and listen to their feedback on how the company could provide better support, the corporate culture tends to become more welcoming to neurodiverse folks.
I agree, I am also a software engineer and I have many colleagues who think similarly to how I do. Maybe if I would work at a smaller company with less corporate politics it could be a really good environment 🤔
@teknosbeka there are pros and cons either way. Whatever you try, i hope you will have protection by policies. I work in a small department of a large health organization. There are ADA and inclusion policies. I was the first to disclose in my dept. HR has my autism on record so they had to protect my job. Over the years now the stigma has lessened. Every situation is different. I wish you success in finding a good employment fit.
There's several reasons autistics have issues with employment, but to me, the biggest seems to be the interview process. It's geared in such a way that it's pretty much guaranteed to keep autistics out. It's just too difficult for us to answer the questions the way they want them answered. Because, let's face it, they're stupid questions. And of course, body language while being grilled with inane questions really plays against us. I only managed to get the job I have because I went through a temp agency. Once I got into the office and showed how good I was at the job, I got hired. But, I've been stuck in that job for twenty years now because in order to advance, I need to do the interview game.
Mirror to get what you want for the short term is not that hard..... though it does lead to burnout occasionally. I just can't understand why you wouldn't research the heck out of behavior/body language/ interviewing and just mask to move forward. The saying "fake it till you make it" has worked wonders for me since 2 years ago I decided I was gonna go way out of my comfort zone or die. What would you rather be doing? If you can't give a concise answer, then that is why things are the way they are in your life. I say this from a place of love, not hate. Sorry if I came across as harsh. I just wanted to share a different perspective. Hope the best for you!
I went through a temp agency, too! But after four years we got a new executive director- that turned out to be a narcissist. I was recommended for another job, that helps disabled people with job placement, but the interview process failed me. So ironic. Meanwhile, my boss tried to force me to quit. I didn't even know I was masking, but autistic burnout hit and the only choice I had was to leave. That was years ago, and I'm still recovering. After discovering I am autistic, so much finally made sense. My struggles at home, in school, at work, with other people and life in general, as far back as I can remember. And it solved the mystery of why my coworkers seemed okay with me when I wasn't working, but had problems when I was. I tried to connect, but small talk is insufferable. When I hyperfocus, especially on budgets and financial reports, everything else ceases to exist. I can't handle interruptions, and people often just wanted to chat or say "hi." While working, I was told I am perceived as angry and unapproachable. I prefer to communicate through email, rather than having a conversation in person or over the phone. I ask for meetings to be scheduled, instead of coming to me on a whim. If an emergency arose because someone didn't do their job, I didn't blame them, but tried to put a procedure in place so it wouldn't happen again. I am a stickler for rules, policies and procedures. When I thought I was being nice, my manager would get complaints, etc. This has been true across the board, in every facet of my life. And I've been blamed. I've gotten in trouble. I've been written up. I've been fired. It's incredibly frustrating to try so hard and still fail.
I have been hiding for over 55 years and didn't even know it. I was diagnosed last year. Still learning what and why all this means for me. I really enjoy your videos. I picked up a Nee Doh cube a few weeks ago and I love it.
As a late diagnosed autistic person ( diag lv 2) raised as a girl, I didn't learn to mask.. I was forced to by my family .. As a baby and as a toddler I was scolded, punished, for every autistic trait that I showed .. and forced to act the neurotypical girl way .. At age 5 I almost didn't show any repetitive behaviour, I suppressed any meltdowns I could (I still remember the last one at age 2-3, they hold me in a bathtub full of water.. yeah.. I'm 39 yo and it's still a very present memory), I had to hide any hiperfixation and whatever big feelings I had.., I didn't do it on purpose.. to fit in.. I really was forced since my early childhood , I was a very stressed child .. no wonder I was and still am a person with selective mutism.. But yeah.. never had a say on masking.. And most of it was just because I was raised as a girl and they had to make me fit on the social expectation of it, it was the 80's .. don't move too much, don't talk too much, smile to everyone, totally gaslighting me about my sensory issues too.. and so on.. At the first day of school I was already repressing everything I could, hiding my autism without even knowing..
Most of this sounds incredibly familiar to me. Girls must be quiet, clean and tidy, well-behaved, helpful, pleasant and patient. They are all naturally nurturing, good with children, enjoy housework and cooking, prefer support roles, are gentle and non-confrontational. They're good at multi-tasking, sociable, co-operative, naturals at teamwork, good at communication and expressing their emotions, and highly empathetic. Oh, and they must never show that they're smarter than a boy, never compete with boys, but if they do, they should lose. They should downplay their intelligence, such as it is, and not worry about education because it's wasted on them. They should always be agreeable and compliant. Any girls that aren't? Well, there's a lot of names for them, and you'll soon learn how to 'behave properly' my girl. Boys? Well, boys will be boys, you know.
This sounds incredibly familiar to me too. At least I had the luck that one of my special interests was ballet, so that particular obsession was accepted. Certain parts of my family didn't like it very much when I became a rebellious teen (I blame the ADHD part of my AuDHD), realised that I was queer, and refused to act "normal" for the sake of fitting in, since I wasn't going to be accepted in our small, conservative town no matter what. I went off to art school in the Big City, and struggled through whatever jobs I could until chronic migraines and depression (and now Long Covid) landed me on long term disability. The poverty and illness suck, but the freedom, not so much.
@@carolinejames7257that seems a pretty one sided vision. I grew up in the way you both described,but being a boy, and pushed this way by my mother, except the intelligence part, for which she praised me. Always needing to keep quiet,calm, gentle, never allowed to show disappointment, anger,frustration, even when she would berate me for hours. Not being allowed to show emotion , for it to be demonized and shamed for it. Saying that i stunk,that i was in the way,that i was a "pussy" ,or "big,fat and dumb" ,for not acting like she expected a boy to act. Having to keep bottling that for years, all the time, inside and outside the house. Not being able to make connections, due to the shame and guilt drip fed to me. Don't come crying to me as if it is a men thing , when it was my mother winding my key like a toy soldier.
Love this video. Always got hit both in school and in work by being told "it wasn't done the right way" and "this is how it is supposed to be done". In a few jobs that was all the time but mom always taught improvise, adapt, overcome which doesn't go over with these people.
@@ChrisandDebby I think my problem in school was I just didn't understand the way they wanted me to do it. I realise now I was supposed to memories all that repetition and being talked at. There was never a pause to make sure I understood what was being said or explained.
I struggle to listen and understand other presenters on You tube that talk about Autism. You are the only one that l can feel comfortable and drawn too. Thank you you make so much sense and l like your sense of humour. You have helped me so much 😊
I struggled really hard mentally for quite a long time. It reached a really really bad point and stayed there for a few years when the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally decided that I needed to mask harder. Though ignorant, it was well intentioned so I try not to hold it against her. But now that I’ve moved out and been lucky enough to find people who love me for who I am again, without masking (or decreasing masking as I feel more and more comfortable), I feel like a normal person again. I feel joy and the dark thoughts are almost entirely gone. For me, the depression came from a universal human reaction to isolation. Only, because of the masking, I was isolated despite being surrounded by people who apparently liked me.
Of course, suicide and depression are higher for autistic people. Constantly feeling like you don't fit in and you have to hide who you really are is extremely depressing!
My advice as someone who is in their late 30s with autism is don't hide. it's painful but its better to find out which people weren't worth it to begin with. The sad fact is 90% of humanity or more is BEEEEEEP if you catch my drift. find the few good people and stick with them. nobody else matters.
@@x-_arthurmorgan-_x5528 Alien between aliens, yes. I didn't fit with extroverted weirdos.... I couldn't be just an introverted, there was ''more'' in play, in front of my nose all the time (masking to myself).
I was mis-diagnosed with moderate depression about 20 years ago. No amount of therapy or medication seemed to help but they still did not even consider if it could be something else. And on top of that, I hadn't a slightest of clue myself what my problem was. Then I was seeing one girl I met online. Had known for some time by then, but she asked me if I was autistic. At the time I was 32 (now 35) and I think what was the single most important question I've ever received in my whole life. Due to the previous depression diagnosis, they were extremely reclutant to assess me for autism. At first, I had to fight to tooth and nails against out psychiatric clinic to agree to study me. After that, even though by every metric I was obviously autistic, I had to continue the fight against the chief doctor of the clinic to accept the diagnosis. It took over two years of fighting before they finally relented and gave it to me. Now for a couple of years I've had to learn quite literally everything anew. From eating, sleeping, wearing clothes to living and actually keeping myself even alive. Yes, literally keeping myself alive, as I haven't done very good job of it. Originally, the depression diagnosis wasn't necessarily wrong, but it was still a mis-diagnosis because in reality it was all just caused by acute and chronic autistic burnout. While I'm still just taking baby steps in learning to live, I haven't seen a smallest sight of the depression because I now know what caused it and can accommodate appropriately. Mostly. I still cannot regulate the amount of energy that would be appropriate to use for work so that I don't break myself and burn out. And I'm still far from fully able to actually work to make my living. But I'm slowly getting there. Although, it is hard not to feel sometimes that it was too little and too late. Mainly because it is excruciatingly hard to get proper help for working these things out at this age. Would've been so much easier as a kid, or even just 25, because 29 is the cut-off age for most healthcare and social security related services that would be helpful for autism in my country.
It was this channel that said it, but the worst part is that the things that can help someone with standard depression to claw their way out, will not work for someone with Autistic burnout. They look the same, but they're oceans apart.
@@Portia620 1) identify what makes you struggle: these can include factors things like noise and lights, and remove those factors 2) for me a huge one was that I was under constant time-pressure to finish work, and then again pressure from home to not make over-hours. 3) one of the factors for me was also that I noticed things that needed to be done - so i did take time to do them, while everyone else didn't even see them nor believe they could be important when I pointed them out 4) being allowed to do things your way 5) being able to take breaktimes that are away from noise, conversations and the like - often breaktimes are way more tireful than the work itself for autistic people, 6) a really hard one: learn to say that NOW something is IMPOSSIBLE, but you may be able to do it another moment, 7) accept that average activities may take you much more energy than most people, admit that it is enough for today (I also found that working as a team with a very chatty college was a double job for me: talking and doing the work simultaneously took an incredible amount of energy while for my college it was relaxing)
Here is a poem I managed to get to paper a few years back after getting diagnosed at 35. It was how it felt. Especially before knowing what was going on. PLAYING THE PRETEND GAME Be careful when playing the pretend game The objective is not to be found out If you are You have failed. Failure brings shame. You mustn't let people see fully who you really are. They will not understand So you do your best The 'Normal' world can be harsh if you fail. So the facade stays rigidly in place But when they see though the cracks in it, panic sets in. They mustn't see all of the real you They will not understand. So you try even harder to master the pretend game. You hope and pray that you get through this hiccup, in the game. Relief sets in when you do Till the next hiccup crops up Then you panic once more. The pretend game is not just something to amuse one self with to pass the time. It's the difference between surviving the world out there or yours falling apart infront of everyone. The last thing you want, is to be treated like some freakish thing. So be careful when playing the pretend game The objective is not to be found out If you are You have failed. Remember failure brings shame.
I’ve felt, for many years now, that I had a quality that didn’t want to be found out. It seeks to remain hidden from everyone. Whenever I tried to tell someone, I could never find the right words. It’s like that part of me was sabotaging me so that it stayed hidden. This poem fits my experience to a strong degree
It’ll be great if one day there’s more autistic people then allistic, I can imagine people getting diagnosed now “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your child isn’t autistic. They will never be able to tell you every detail about an obscure topic, and won’t be as good as the other kids at problem solving, no don’t cry, there’s a lot of programs that can help you learn how to handle the new challenges.”
Thank you for another great video! One slight request: Please mention that it's not as clear-cut as "female autism" and "male autism," and a lot of it has to do with socialization. Little girls and little boys have very different expectations placed upon them in some ways, and their masking ability (or lack thereof) can have a lot to do with that. Personally, I prefer the terms "high masking autism" and "low masking, autism" but I am just a random person on the internet. Thank you for all that you do - I always look forward to watching your content.
Thank you! I was told years ago I have ADHD when I had my daughter diagnosed. But through your channel and a few others, I'm beginning to realize I'm AUDHD.
Chris & Debbie-Thank you so very much for doing what you are doing. To be warmly & kindly acknowledged-with such grace and good humor is an unbelievable gift!
I mask so hard I have forgotten how to not mask. I have no idea how to experience decompression or relief. It's terrible. I wish I hadn't fallen down this path.
I don’t know if this will help, but one thing that’s always helped me relax is either doing something related to my special interests (playing related games, drawing, reading), or finding a creative way to stim (I like to dance and stim to my favorite songs). I’ve heard that a lot of autistic people can’t decompress until they are fully on their own as well, which is definitely the case for me. It took me a long time to learn how to unmask myself, and I’m still slowly learning and getting better as time goes on. I wish you luck on finding your path out and I hope you’ll get to feel more like yourself again soon.
@@Ok_69 Thank you so much for this!! I do think I look forward to being alone haha because then I feel I can do what I need to do i.e clean and work on things without the added stress. And lately I haven't had that in about 6 months and it's not working for me. I think you've a lot of great ideas. I should put more focus on those things any time I can and maybe try and find a way to have some one on one time with just me =-=
From my experience, could be pegging things wrong here, but if you "mask so hard you forgot to mask" you might just... *not be* doing it? As in, not doing it as hard as some other people. If you cant not do it, then you are just being yourself. Its strange to think of it that way, im sure but this is pretty much my outlook. Here's the thing, just because you dont feel like youve been able to decompress or experience relief doesnt mean that masking is the reason for it. Rather just as the advice Ok_69 there gave you, you can just do things that are relaxing. This sounds a bit backwards but one way I find I sometimes can get a rush of relaxation is something with low steaks but also a short time limit. Basically a project that it doesnt *really* matter how it turns out but it *needs* to get done in 48 hours. I dont know how to organically set that up but for my case its this thing called game jams. Basically you make a videogame from start to finish in 48 hours. It is a rush, and I find it does help me decompress when I do it. A lot of fast paced problem solving all singularly oriented into one goal with a hard set deadline, but there's no real loss if I have nothing to show for it by the end.
@@Yipper64 I understand what you mean, so here’s my best explanation of it: When I started masking, I would notice how others reacted to different parts of my personality. It was kind of like manually adjusting (like the volume of a speaker) my traits and behaviors to do more of what people liked, and less of what they didn’t. At some point I felt almost like a shell of who I used to be, so used to avoiding parts of myself that I didn’t even realize they were still part of me. When I began figuring out how to unmask, I had to go back and undo my previous adjustments, trying to figure out what setting they were originally at. When I was masked for so long, I was still myself, but a version of me that had gotten used to the new settings. Now that I’ve done a lot of work to adjust and change things back, I feel a lot more like who I was meant to be. Happier, more genuine, and less worried about the settings. I’m not sure if it makes sense the way I put it, but I’m glad you brought it up. It’s less of putting in work every day to mask, and more like making small changes over time and getting used to it. Adjusting it too much makes it harder to feel like yourself though.
One of the things I wish was out there was a comprehensive list, by state, of medical doctors and mental doctors who specialize in autism and not just for children. I am currently looking for these very things in my state and city and I have no idea where to look. I'm exhausted from it all.
Try Google Scholar for research papers on autism to find the people who are actually interested in autism. Then look for the doctors that are in your state. It’s how I came across one of the leading researchers of Fragile X, and I managed to get an appointment with her.
I love how you talk about this and how knowleadgable you are. I'm sure we all ended up with a special interest in Autism at some point 😭 And it's weirdly comforting hearing you speak about Autism in both men and women, and the differences. It's so stupid, but women so often get swept to the side for being dramatic, or stressy, or for just being emotional. I'm not saying we need a male advocate, but I also know that some people and even professionals just won't listen to hear what we are saying. If men also struggle then we have almost no chance. I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety before my ADHD diagnosis. Another doctor told me I can't have tourettes because I don't swear at people and punch things. It took another 6 years before I received my official diagnosis. I'm still waiting for my autism assessment. But these different conditions are just the corona around Autism, in my opinion. I wish there was a more holistic approach to all of these conditions. They're just smoke to the fire. The fire comes from a brain wired incorrectly. We can't look at each condition with a fence around it, and stretch the time until a true diagnosis is found for decades.. I wish one day there would be one building for all these comorbidities. I think that's what I want most. I don't want to be treated seperately for the adhd, the tourettes, and the obsessive thoughts. I don't want my tourettes to be so awful and painful because the ADHD medication makes it worse. I don't want to take tourettes medication, and stop being a functional human, even if it stops the pain. I wish it hadn't taken 26 and 29 years to be diagnosed with Tourettes and then ADHD. It'll be 31 for the Autism if they agree, the last few things that the ADHD couldn't explain, that this is what it is. My bingo card will be complete, at least. Also I wanted to tell you you're adorable, sorry for being so depressing 🥲
Good video. I was just dx at age 47. I am actually quite stereotypically autistic (for ASD 1), except I was taught from a young age to mask. My mother literally would tell me this is what you do and don't ever do that thing you just did again. Therefore when anyone interacted with me the reaction was usually 'odd but nice' instead of what is wrong with her. To this day most of my masking is very deliberate and what I was explicitly taught. I am sure there is some unconscious masking too. And if I would like to keep my job I will need to continue with the masking I have always done.
Glad you posted this video recently. It speaks to me rn. My youngest sister (half) died 3yrs ago to the day (23rd)to her own hand, aged 26. She was incredibly talented as an artist and smart as well as sensitive. I didn't meet her until she was 16 so only about 10 yrs prior and have only exchanged a few words because she was very shy and quiet and little to no eye contact. I told a family member back then about my suspicion for asd and broached the subject carefully. It was received well but no further action was taken including talking to her about it . 😢 It wasn't until 2020 when she picked up tik Tok and learned about her disability. She was 25 and had dropped out of her master's program due to overwhelm. She felt that same shock and relief many late diagnosed experience. Then her dad applied pressure to get a job... She planned it for weeks, months. After treating her letter a couple days ago and interesting all of her artwork i feel determined to bring awareness to the topic of your video. That's all she wanted, was to be able to live her life unmasked and receive the support she needed... After doing some research on her self diagnosis i began to realize im incredibly madked and somehow managed 40 years in the... It's been av rough 40 years free
I’ve absolutely masked my entire life. I’m constantly drumming or making beats with my mouth (that’s not beatboxing) it’s my form of stimming. I talk about design all the time, it’s nice to feel understood.
I know that I get into trouble when I open my mouth, and I have done it very impulsively since I was a kid. Now with 53, I forced myself in life to communicate less and less in most occasions. Do not communicate nowadays means: don't move your body, don't move your face, don' make a sound, don't express anything, otherwise it will not be understood. So I became a very silent person... this is my main masking firewall.
I'm self diagnosed autistic and ADHD female. I haven't gotten diagnosed because of the price to get a diagnosis and I'm afraid that they'll lock me up in a padded room like they tried to do when I was around 3 years old. I was past through school even when I failed. I suck at math, language arts, I loved P.E., history (but barely past), I really liked science but an average of an 80 grade was all I could do. When it came to highschool I had too keep asking for extra credit just to stay at or slighty above an average of 75, except P.E. for the first 2 years that I was allowed to take P.E. as my elective 100 average was very simple. My husband is the soul provider because I have severe social anxiety. I stay in the house most of the time because recently I had a massive meltdown where it felt like I was painfully almost passing out my body was going limp. It happened over and over again I couldn't move but I felt all the pain and I thought I was going to be stuck like that for the rest of my life. It happens when I drink coffee and when I'm in social situations, it's only happened twice while laying in bed thinking about social events. It's like my mask got shredded and I don't know how to put it back on to look remotely normal instead of a slow severally anxious introvert. I'm scared of any kind of social event with people I know. With people I don't know I feel petrified, I don't want to do it but my husband walks me through it. I don't trust people because I've been stolen from many times growing up. My Mom left my Dad when I was about to turn 11 and we went from house to house living with relatives (that I didn't know) and people my Mom befriended (not trust worthy) and the rules always changed so I got in trouble a lot until I learned to keep what I loved most on my person and stay hidden until called. I'm sorry for the long comment but I wanted to give a little back story. I love your videos they're very helpful. I'm trying to figure out how to live now and in the future. Can you give me any advice?
I assume you're living in a first world country where they should respect human rights. Even though you are autistic, you're still human and they can't lock you up for a disability like that. Just because you get a diagnosis, it doesn't mean that you are seen as a criminal or you lose your human rights. The advantage of being diagnosed with autism however, is that a few extra doors of support will open to you. You can make use of them or not, that's up to you, but without the diagnosis they will be permanently closed. Your diagnosis should be protected by medical law so unless you disclose it to others, they would not even know about it...
To add to the previous reply, if you're an adult, you should be able to make the final decision on if you'll become institutionalized or not. I was in a psych ward as a teenager (padded room and all, though I never had to go in there) because mandatory reporters (a teacher and a social worker) deemed me a danger to myself after a suicidal episode. The adult ward was close however, and I learned that the people who go there could decide to refuse medical treatment and leave any time, since keeping them there against their will would be a violation of their rights. A year or two later (I was still a teen) there was consideration about sending me to the ward again, but it wasn't an emergency this time and I kept refusing until the end. They do respect the patient's decisions if you're not an active threat to yourself or others. Unless the police itself mandates you go there, they can't force you. This is how it works in Germany, at least. I'd imagine that most developed countries where the right to freedom is a thing would handle potential psych ward patients like this. The padded room only comes into play if you're violent. There was one patient who had to be put into it one time, and he was also the one of us who was there due to a police mandate police. He was more a danger to us than to himself, due to his tendency to get physically violent.
That sounds super difficult. I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. Losing your autonomy that way is really scary. They tried to lock me in an institution as a kid too and it made me not trust adults. Given your history, I'd highly suspect you have PTSD or CPTSD. Plus it's even more prevalent in autistic folk. Have you tried looking for a good, trauma informed therapist? I've found that has really helped me trust myself enough to know what people I can trust and made social situations easier. You might need to try a few to find a good fit, but I'd highly recommend it. You might also check out the book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Peter Levine has excellent work on trauma too. It will take time, but I promise that addressing your trauma will help. Meltdowns are scary when they hit that point! It sounds like you know some of the triggers, so avoiding coffee and caffeine would probably be wise. At least till you get things better managed. Have you learned about ways to help emotionally regulate yourself? Things like stimming, scripting, engaging in your special interests? Those have been vital for me. I also have a meltdown kit, one in my house and one in my purse. I keep a fidget, chewelry, snacks, smells I like, ear plugs, sunglasses, a notebook and pencil to communicate, a list of things I can do to calm myself, and a playlist on my phone of calming things in the purse version. The house version is a basket set up in a quiet spot that also has a weighted blanket, emergency anxiety meds (cbd and propanolol in my case), a lavender eye pillow, etc. That way everything is in one place so all I have to do is remember to go to my meltdown corner. This also clues my partner in that I need space in case I don't feel like speaking or am feeling overwhelmed by talking. I'd highly recommend this strategy. Your items might be a bit different. When I've chosen to accept that I'm having a meltdown and be compassionate to myself this way, they don't get as intense or last as long. I've also started to recognize the signs of an impending meltdown sooner (skin gets itchy, frustration tolerance tanks, sounds and smells bother me more). So maybe consider watching for what your signs of an approaching one are. I hope this helps and you get to a place where you feel safer, more supported and able to live the way you want to!
As a certified master tutor in mathematics, it was my job to find a way to help someone who was afraid of math to find a way to reach them, and show them they could learn and understand it. I had one native American youth that we finally set the multiplication tables to into a drum song for him to help him memorize the tables. Yeah they still do this in the US. The counselor at the Tribal office convinced the teacher to let him sing the multiplication song to her after class to get credit. The kid had dyslexia, and the teacher was far from understanding until we found a way to assist him with this process. Thank you for all you do for helping kids, for posting these videos to get the word out there. Been watching your videos from day one pretty much and look forward to each new video.
ableism in the upper midwest of the us is so intense that, unless you are a younger person in a highly enlightened group of people, you are definitely better off not telling anyone. This sucks, a lot, but i have seen what happens. Americans and English people particularly are intensely ableist. They start assigning traits to you, and they stop including you. But then for me, this has been the reality a lot of the time anyway with a lot of non-autistic people, so your mileage may differ.
I’m a late diagnosed individual. I was 49, assigned female at birth- trans nonbinary person. These videos you make not only help me unpack and understand my own experiences, but also give me the language to explain to my family my differences that have always made me the black sheep. Thank you for your content.
Wonderful to find other "black sheep". We make the world more interesting. This is coming from a late diagnosed (age 69), gender non-conforming (allegedly female, at birth, but really "two spirit" per native American tradition of both in one), non-binary (binary only makes sense with computers), formerly omni - but now non-sexual, auDHD, being. Virtual hugs to you!
We hide it because we can't control it, the world doesn't accommodate it, and we can't stand being beaten and ridiculed for it. So we compensate, and sweep what we can of our personality under the rug. The trade off is we still want to dome ourselves, but not as immediately as we do after an awkward or traumatic social interaction.
I think it's also really important to get these diagnoses correct because we already know that the police are 16 times more likely to unalive under a neuroDivergent person. Another issue is people with Autism but no learning disability are nine times more likely to analive themselves. In a Swedish study they showed that the average life expectancy for a person with autism is 54 years old. Nearly 2/3 of adults with autism have considered suicide It's worse for kids, because autistic children are 28% more likely to think about suicide than allistic children.
Yep, went through that, but now am glad to still be here, and more accepting of myself. Have had difficult experiences with various forms of "authority" all my life, and currently avoid interactions with police if at all possible. I don't call them, even in a traffic accident (not my fault, but didn't trust interactions with NT cop bullies; who yes, do tend to unalive NDs). Eventually, it seems to work out OK, though, for me...
Getting correct diagnoses is important. I can't help but think that those numbers wouldn't be so awful though if society treated autistic people or any people with differences like actual people worthy of the same respect, consideration and decency as NTs. Obviously that's tougher, but I think it's essential. That's why I appreciate this channel and others like it. We need to normalize autism as just a way of being that's totally valid and acceptable. Then perhaps people wouldn't feel so alone, unsupported and like their best option was not being here. No one should have to feel that way in a supposed "civilized" society. We need to do better.
Excellent video. I was not diagnosed until my early 50s, though I've always known I was wired differently. I'm really good at masking, but not as good as I used to be, and it's more exhausting now as I get older. I feel more comfortable just being myself when I'm home, but every once in a while I'll take a day or a weekend or a week and go off traveling by myself and purposely not mask and just be my true self. And as a spin on that, I'm in active discussions with myself as to wondering who I really am. I have spent over 55 years trying to emulate other people to fit in... do I really know who the true me is? It's a journey at the moment and a wondrous one at that.
I was diagnosed at 34. I also have OCD, GAD, and a history of severe depression and suicidal ideation starting when I was 8. The autism diagnosis itself eased the depression greatly as it provided an explanation that I was physically different than others, and it wasn’t just a mental failing that I couldn’t fit into society or be accepted socially. I no longer obsessed over my ‘failing’, but I could see it was society’s failure to see my value and accept me. Such a relief really. I still largely mask but feel more okay with myself. The anxiety is still really dominant and I’ve been unemployed for the past 14 months which is a bit of torture tbh.
I'm just swooping in to remind you that being low on dopamine makes you low on norepinephrine (noradrenaline) which causes anxiety when you're low on it. And if you get emotional blunting from things like SSRIs you might just need something that gives you more norepinephrine or GABA and that might balance out the neurochemicals.
I'm realizing these days that I am probably autistic. I was never diagnosed, but I have had pretty much all of the hallmarks of a high functioning autistic person my entire life. I wish I'd figured it out earlier. It would have spared me so much agony. Constantly having to mask who I truly am really is exhausting. I'm 39 now. That's a long time to not understand why you don't fit in no matter how hard you try.
Pre-diagnosis I saw my doctor regarding blood pressure. We had lifestyle talks several times. I broached the subject of workrelated stress and she said that stress was not a diagnosis as such, but we could try for a depression test. I took it and she went pale... I had answered as somebody with "severe depression". Having seen me on mutiple occations, she was stunned and commented: "You hide it extremely well!" -Well Duh! I wish at that moment she had known about autism and masking. I wish I had known about Autism and masking. Two years went by on anti depressants, that did nothing, before I connected the dots myself and asked to for a diagnosis. I am austistic with ADHD, 50 years old at diagnosis and fully employed. -But I am also at the ends of my rope. There is no more to give, no room for a personal life or a social life that I can enjoy. -I have painted or rather masked myself into a corner, where everything is built upon appearing neuro typical. Getting out of this fix is a monumental task. First by identifying when I mask, then by trying to reconstruct all relations into a version I can live with and having the courage to see social and work relations destroyed (Because that was not the person "they" befrinded or hired for this job) I can easily understand why suicide is prevalent among late diagnosed adults.
This answers a question I've asked elsewhere, that my masking has been internalized so early as to not realize that's what it is, only realizing now as I learn about autism and recognize the efforts I've made and behaviors I've hidden.
I appreciate that you bring up self-harm behaviours among females because I'm a chronic skin picker. It's a terrible compulsion that was worse when I was a child but I managed to mask that as well when people started telling me off or bullying me because of it. I'm close to 40 and still undiagnosed, but idk if I can find local medical professionals that would even consider my case. Since I have life arrangements that suit me and the way my brain works at this point, I'm not too worried about actual diagnosis. Does this mean that I'm formally employed? No, but fortunately life is still working out for me. At this point, I'm just glad that I understand why social interactions mentally and physically exhaust me so much and why I was always regarded as the "very smart, but very weird" person in all the groups I had to be a part of. Even if, say, I'm not really autistic and it's all in my head (which is pretty ironic), I still think that learning about masking is letting me show compassion towards myself. I can finally stop being so hard on myself for not being like the other people around me.
At 40, my longest employment term was about 2 years. My average job is 6 months. And every single job I was terminated from, I think I’m up to a dozen jobs. I’ve gotten so used to the signs when managers don’t like me that I just walk away from it. Diversity, inclusion, disability rights are a joke in the real world. The worst part is, I can have a great connection with my co workers who believe I go above and beyond, but I don’t do things the way managers expect them to be done. Nor do I communicate in a socially acceptable way with them. I have been doing newspaper routes for the past few years and I love it, but the pay is so pitiful.
We also can see more logical, efficient, ways of running a business. However, if we share these ideas for improvement, they're not well received, and are instead taken as personal criticism, or ad hominem attacks, on management. Our "bluntness" tends to lose us jobs. As a ND friend noted, "they don't want to know" (how to better run things). I was incredulous, but he's absolutely right. Sometimes we're better at running our own businesses, or independent work, but unfortunately lots of us wind up homeless, as Chris said. BTW, I used to love substitute teaching. Better pay, in demand, varied. Good luck.
Exact same experience. Autistic people often make excellent workers due to being motivated, intelligent and analytical - and these same traits are threatening to the social parasites known as managers, who quickly sniff out that we are “weird”. Which is all they care about, since they don’t do any real work. The quiet discrimination is horrible. I wish more people in this situation would gather evidence and sue the shit out of these scumbags, but it’s really hard to prove that you were discriminated against based on autism even when it’s so obvious in the moment.
I😂as diagnosed at 37. I walked on my toes into my teens and still so today when I get stressed. Masking is exhausting, and my first bully was my own family. School added to that, and I learned to be “normal” 😂Ben when my brain was saying, umm that ain’t you. Thank you for all your videos bringing light to us on the spectrum. Especially late diagnosis adults.
Love your content and find it very helpful. Diagnosed AuDHD aged 62 after a lifetime of meltdowns, burnouts, anxiety and depression. I’ve been masking for the better part of six decades and it is a major challenge to work out the real me. As I’ve aged my energy reserves have reduced to the point where I just don’t have the capacity to do it anymore. The late diagnosed neurodiverse do have very specific and under recognised difficulties. Not least is the sadness and regret for what might have been my life had this been diagnosed during one of my multiple contacts with mental health professionals. Thanks again for your insightful content.
My mother knows I’m autistic but if I try to do anything that makes that evident or if I am confused and try to figure out what I did wrong by going back over what I did or interpreted based on what was going on, she yells at me and calls it “giving excuses” or passive aggressively saying “you aren’t THAT autistic, stop *regressing* into *that* kind of autism it’s lazy and I know you can be *better* than that!” It’s exhausting and I barely talk to her anymore for a reason.
NTs often cannot fathom genuine neurodivergence. She literally may not understand that your brain is wired differently and that what she might assume is an easily understood vaguely socialized instruction will be interpreted literally and precisely, and that social cues that she thinks are obvious can be invisible. It sucks, but the best thing you can do is have a hard conversation about this issue.
@@turnopsverdsen9578 fair, it’s just not exactly the best when she has this weird arbitrary double standard where if my brother gets burned out it’s fine but if I’m visually doing the same thing (on my computer for long periods of time) I get yelled at. I think it’s because I’m usually writing, though. Or managing the people in our online freelance/indie work group so we all don’t get burned out on group work and we meet deadlines. She might just see me typing for an entire day and be getting annoyed because I don’t have a published novel yet…? I dunno, me and that team I mentioned are basically just getting a few odds and ends finished and we’re ready to go with the trailer for our first animated pilot.
I'm sorry she treats you like that. That sounds really hurtful and I imagine it would leaving you feeling really unseen, invalidated and uncared about. You shouldn't have to work that hard to be treated with compassion and understanding. It's totally valid to not talk to a parent if they aren't being a loving, supportive person in your life. Yelling and denying your experience isn't okay. I had to go no contact with my parents due to their abusive behavior and while difficult, it's been one of the most healing and helpful things I've ever done for myself. Not saying you need to do that necessarily, just saying that it's okay to set strong boundaries with parents for your own wellbeing. You probably wouldn't continue engaging with a friend or partner who treated you that way, so why should a parent get away with it? Someone being a relative doesn't mean they're subject to lower standards or that you owe them a relationship.
I found out at age 71 that I am autistic. When the (autistic) psychologist asked me all these questions, I felt for the first time that I'm truly disabled because I simply can't do so many things. I was a successful physician nevertheless, but the toll was high. I had a severe burnout with 51 years that left me partly disabled for the rest of my work life. Now I understand why I already felt so tired with 30 years of age. I never knew why I simply stopped function when I wanted do buy some clothing in a larger shop. How come I don't remember faces. I remembered people by the color of their top. If they took the top layer off, I wouldn't find them amongst other people. There are so many things that make sense now that didn't then. How is it now? I'm much easier on myself and give myself a lot of grace. I feel alright now and no longer ashamed. I am still masking to a degree but I have a new job - being a Buddhist teacher. People don't expect much mimic responding from a Buddhist teacher which is so incredibly helpful. They probably put all my traits into the category of "of course is she different". That makes life much easier. Probably because I am autistic, I am also attracting many autistic students, which is fantastic. They make really fast progress on the path.
I told several people in my 20s and 30s that I thought I was autistic, including health care professionals, and was told that didn’t make any sense. Started hyper learning about neurodivergence at 42, now at 44 I am self realized AuDHD. I am male but am not “typical” autistic or ADHD and “fit in” well from a young age
I do take a small issue with saying that one's school years are "just temporary." As someone who hated school, I remember the sense of dread I had in 4th grade looking ahead to 7-8 more years of having no say in my own life. Not only are the school years a LONG time, but they are especially formative times in our lives. Having agency in our lives and a positive foundation in THOSE years is, I think the best preparation for whatever life may throw at us down the road.
I got very interested in ballet as a lifelong obsession when I was about 5. So no problems with my toe-walking! (Except when I left rosin smudges on the floors from my pointe shoes...)
1 in 36 is still less than 3%. "I'll never fit in" and "I don't belong here" are not related to misdiagnosis. When a central characteristic of who you are as a person is at odds with the vast, vast majority of other humans they are an accurate assessment of your situation.
However if the "majority" were more accepting of "others", or any divergence from how things/people are "supposed to be", we'd all be better off. Then a more "accurate assessment" of one's situation would be "I'm part of a whole", or "I fit, in my own way." May we all move in that direction.
@@rjparker2414the least accepting people these days are the ones preaching acceptance and invading communities to try to change them. I don’t need to be accepted by everyone, I need a space to be weird and left alone
Shall Sweet Baby Inc and their ilk find themselves homeless and denied even the breadlines. Shall their skin be eaten by mites. Look up how medieval scribes protected their books of you don't get the above.
@@rjparker2414Honestly I am not sure If Its up to people to make we fit In. When you study mamy body physics you see that when you have enought particles arround some things just happen, It's not up to any given electron. In the same way I feel that things like social norms and te existance of the market are not up to anybody and a significant ammount of people may dislike them, but that they are a inevitable consequence of many humans existing and interacting.
I feel so happy I've found your channel. I was late diagnosed as well. I was diagnosed at the age of 34. Even though I've got both neurological and psychological evaluations, some psychiatrists still discredit my dianosis. That hurts! And I also feel sorry for them, 'cause (unmasked) I honestly believe they're ignorant to the topic. I mean, they only study about autism in children, not in adults and specially, not in women. I'm a high-masking autistic. I work, talk, drive, I have a diploma and so many different extra courses that people just judge me for all of that. But, deep inside, I'm hiding my autistic traits to fit in, to survive and not be bullied (as I was before during childhood). I've been hiding it for my whole life and I've done it unconsciously. I believe that's why I study so many different topics, my special interests and more, so I can compensate for my lack of ability related to social interaction. I got my late diagnosis last December and now I feel I truly belong, and I needed that for my whole life. Thank you so much for your videos and keep up with the great work. I'm from Brazil and love watching your videos. I study hard 'cause I want to be approved in different Brazilian public exams. Here there are a couple of laws protecting disabled people in general, autistic people included. Because I mask my autistic traits all the time, some doctors refuse detailing my characteristics for slots to disabled people in the exam, even though I've got a diagnosis. That's so infuriating! And then, a copuple of doctors say: Even though it is saying in the document you're autistic, I'm not bound to give you the diagnosis you want, you're not that autistic, you're a mild one. When they say that, I almost get a major meltdown 'cause that's discrimination and illegal. An, I always control myself not to have a meltdown in public. I always pray for better days to autistic people and for us to feel better about ourselves, accepting ourselves more and talking more about it, in order to diminish prejudice and discrimination. If we don't talk about it, people will continue to be ignorant.
I was diagnosed when I was pretty young and it didn't stop people from telling me the same things... it doesn't actually make anyone more considerate... you just get to demand a few more things that you still have to fight to actually get.
I was diagnosed in my 30s. I had no idea at all that I'd spent my life masking, and I struggled with social interactions frequently, especially as a child/teenager. Today, I'm still figuring out what are my masking behaviors, and what is my genuine self. Fortunately, I have an amazing group of friends, many of whom are also on-spectrum, several of whom were also diagnosed late; their willingness to see the "real me" -- and, occasionally, to lovingly point out some of my autistic behaviors without criticism or negativity -- has gone a tremendous way for me to feel comfortable about myself. It's quite possibly the first time in my life I've felt this level of social acceptance and being an active and welcomed part of a community.
Omg this is great and needs more attention :D I was diagnosed with ADD in my childhood but undiagnosed but convinced to have autism (too). I could relate to almost everything :D
Whoa! Ok, this one blew my mind. I was being traumatically punished for some of the autistic behaviors you describe here. I'm still on the waiting list for my testing (sounds like end of September), but between the self harm and punishments for things I wasn't doing "right". I have a whole subset of things to bring up with my therapist that I never thought were even related to his suspicions I might be autistic. I get the "high functioning" label a lot with all my other mental health issues as well. I'm so happy I found this channel, I like the statistics you share as well as the explanations of things I thought I was just being "neurotic" about. I can't even play Yahtzee unless it's on a carpet or padding of some sort because shaking & throwing of dice is way too overstimulating and almost gives me a migraine (Like when cartoon characters slam some other character's heads between the musical cymbals type of bad) Another thing I do is have a hard time talking to doctors because I can relate one thing to another, and I don't describe symptoms and pain like others do. They didn't know I was having oral allergy syndrome because I was trying to tell the doctor "It's like I'm getting a bunch of fiberglass insulation in my mouth!" and apparently that was the first time I realized other people don't mix together experiences like that to describe things to their doctors. I have a really hard time getting medical care to say the least, as well as mental heath care (but it's much easier with a therapist because they're more trained in finding things like this.) I've got so many things going on mentally and physically, I have autoimmune disease, PTSD, treatment resistant major depressive disorder, and anxiety umbrella, I'm trans AFAB (which got me thinking when the gender differences were discussed here, made me really stop and think about that part as well!). I have the asthma/allergy/inflammation trifecta, and am disabled because of the aforementioned list. I talk in run-on sentences, ellipsis, and parenthesis as well lol 😅 Thank you for your videos, I'm starting to think my therapist is on the right track for screening me! ⚠Trigger warning ahead about my self harm ⚠ One of the biggies is I'm also on the list for TBI screening, because my mind NEVER has been quiet. So I would slam my head on the walls and floors until I passed out. (concussions?) It was the only way I could get any sleep when I was really little (around 5 or 6 is when I remember starting that little fun activity). My mom tried her best to hold pillows under my head to try to stop me, but I would just wait for her to leave the room and start right back up again. Life was way too much to handle with a busy head at that age along with all the other stuff happening to me back then. If you braved reading my story, thank you for your support just for reading it. 🫠
Thank you for these videos. I went through what i am just now realizing was a 2 year burnout which turned into agoraphobia. Quit my job and everything. Took a really good friend to see through the things i was hiding to gently push me back into society. Through this period i have been doing a lot of research and self exploration and come to this point where all these different little pieces of the puzzle are all fitting together. I'm utilizing your videos to share these things with my mom. I try to explain to her myself but i always end up so flustered and can't find the right words.
Oh man… I too battled burnout and agoraphobia (still working through them) so I know how challenging that is. Really happy to hear you have a good friend to help and support you. It takes a lot of courage to work through burnout and agoraphobia. You’re brave. Best of luck to you!!
@@ChrisandDebby I got super lucky in the fact that this friend is now my boss. Was always afraid of the boss as a friend scenario, but it has turned out great. He understands me on a level pretty much nobody else does and because of how our personalities are the professional relationship is great. He is able to see the things I truly struggle with and give compassion but also still calls me out when he knows it's something I should have done better. Thank you for the bravery comment. It's still so hard to process it all. It's hard to switch from the mindset of beating myself up for being "lazy"
Dude for real. Ive told people so many times "i dont think youd like me if i was" and people never seem to get it then when they finslly convince me i be myself snd *shocker* they dont like me
I'm always afraid to open up out of fear of being rejected or ignored, and then I end up being right. Being neurodivergent is not a fun experience. The worst part is the crippling loneliness. It's hard to connect with others when your brain is wired differently.
Hey! I LOVE your videos, thank you so much for sharing these videos because they are so so helpful and relatable! But the flashing during transitions is a little intense for me, could you please consider using a less flashy transition effect? Thank you!
I am 76. Many members of my family are just like me. The adults took pains to teach us how we had to act 'in public'. At school and jobs I have been toId I was weird all my life. In college, a professor asked me if I was autistic. I learned all I could, but the definition of autistic was different then. Still, I totally related to Dibs, in "Dibs in Search of Self". At 47, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I now have a young grand nephew who was diagnosed early with autism, and his mother has nowvalso been. When, at her request, I asked my personal physician if he thought I might be autistic, his reaction was to say 'no way' and proceed to tell me that I just cared too much and was a little controlling, and had anxiety, but, after all, I could talk and liked people. No way was I neurodivergent. My take home was that evidently I mask well enough that this man who has known me for 50 years doesn’t even remember that I have ADHD.
This video is highly informative and I really appreciate the effort you have taken to tackle this serious subject. In the future, I suggest using the terms "socialized as [gender]" or "assigned [gender] at birth". Using the terms male and female in this specific context can be inaccurate and misleading. There is no proof that it is a biological reason for the difference in manefestation of autistic traits, but instead a socialization difference. Even then, in the future I strongly encourage using "assigned male/female at birth" in place of "male/female". This may seem to be a bit pedantic, but there is a much higher instance of autistic people being trans than the general population (approx 11% of the autistic population is trans or non-binary vs 1-2.5% of the general population). This language is inclusive to everyone and more accurate. It also includes intersex individuals who do not necessarily fit into a strict male/female categorization. Human biology is messy and complex. Our sexual dimorphism is bimodal, not binary. This means people can have a mixture of repoductive organs that don't strictly match. An example is someone with a uterus but instead of ovaries they have undescended testies. People who are intersex make up approximately 1.7% of the population. Thank you again for your continued advocacy and educational efforts.
This resonates. I think the later in life diagnosis for males is challenging because we have to question if we are neurodivergent and challenge assumptions that we are not. This would explain a lot for me personally and you speak in a way that makes sense on every point.
I've only identified as autistic for 1 year, and only privately. I've always been very coy, sharing mysterious comments or poetry that hide how deep or strong my feelings really are. I know I do this because if I came out and said it plainly I would not be received the way I need to be. It's a way to release my feelings without being hurt in the process. It is very lonely, but much better than getting stabbed in my open wounds over and over. I can see how those hurting the most could also be the most secretive. People say, "you have to ask for help." I say, "why? So you can fail me again and deepen the hurt?" Sigh. I also had the habit of using self deprecating humor, because again, better coming from myself than someone else. The crazy thing is most people enjoyed it. Thankfully I've mostly broken this habit now. It's all self preservation.
It's interesting that you said you didn't know you where masking for 40 years. I didn't figure out I was autistic until i was 30, but I knew my whole life I was masking. The part that blew my mind was learning that there are people who didn't mask. 😅
Thank you for your feed. In trying to help a close friend with a young relative that we think might be autistic, but is emotionally intelligent. I went looking for inspirational role models to give the grown up ideas and hope. (You are probably close to what that young child will become). In the process, I started to recognized some traits and said to my friend that I might be high masking autistic. They said they thought they might be too. I got the formal result last week. Yep. High masking, not just with non-autistic but also with autistic. Literally life survival stuff as a child. It was my autism that enabled me to find ways to avoid or reduce the perpetrator's violence and not go insane not having "normal" relationships. My thoughts in the last few days is that masking autism is a survival skill. Many of those people who survived house of horrors from before they were verbal are probably on the autistic spectrum. They don't melt down and exacerbate the perpetrator(s) as much or as often. Thus is it is a superpower. My other thoughts in the last few days is that we are probably the souls that can advice and give solutions for getting stalking sociopathy under control. They don't want to be under control - they like intimidating and hurting others. Sociopaths are also very good at contriving systems so things are "unspeakable" e.g. pedophile rings in religious/community organizations, human trafficking, cults/gangs/mobster/organized crime. One game the sociopaths do is make souls "not credible" - traumatize people so they act out, are erratic, escape into addictions, suicide, clinical depression... They rely on marginalizing and discrediting the souls they attack, and those that would defend or advocate. Firstly to rescue current victims, but secondly to stop the predation happening in the first place. Autistic spectrum individuals often do not just look at the symptoms. They look at the root cause. If someone keeps getting an allergic reaction, they find the allergen and eliminate it from the environment... Sociopaths would not want to be outed as an allergen, so they set up a culture to not get outed.
Excellent video, I liked it very much. It so sad thinking about all of those experiences in school and how they can be avoided if people try to have a little more patience and compassion towards people instead of going directly to judge yo just because you do things a little different. I am thankful though that I have been able to find a workplace where people accept me, mask or not, and where I can feel like I belong despite any differences. I really hope that in the future more people will get to know more about autism so that more people will get to know the feeling 🙂
I appreciate everything you say but it’s upsetting when people say girls with autism act differently because they’re girls. It’s from how people who are seen as girls are trained to act by society. They are given different rules than people seen as boys. I’d just like to hear more trans inclusive language. I show the “girl” symptoms of autism because I was seen by society as a girl. Not because I “am” one. I’m a trans man and it’s just upsetting when I feel trans people are pushed to the side. Especially when autistic people are more likely to come out as trans than the general public. Love the channel but would also love some growth in trans acceptance.
Ya you hit all the right points. You have to do it this way, knowing the answer but not knowing how to explain it etc… etc… and sometimes it’s those closest to you that do the damage. I have always had problems with making friends. Not only that but getting dates also . Disabled people need love too. I would argue that disabled people need more or have a greater capacity for love.
Probably the two greatest moments in my life were when my Dad said he was proud of me and when he saw some of my model kits I built as an adult and he said they looked amazing and I should display them for all to see
I can relate. I'm not diagnosed, but I do recognize some of the traits in my way of thought and behaviour. Yes, I'm masking, and yes, I'm recognizing the stress that comes with it.
WAIT! You mentioned the communications differences only came out in the 60s. YES THANK YOU!!! 💥💥💥 That was when it was first suggested that I “had Asperger’s.” I’ve been trying to explain this to our community for a few years now. So many younger AuDHDers have read much research but not known that there were clinicians, psychiatrists, and psychologists in those days trying to teach these things to the mainstream! PS I began to mask in those days (after age 11) in order to NOT be shoved by “professionals” onto the short bus… masking has its’ hell ish qualities! THANK YOU again for noting that, and the whole video!
I'm still on a journey to get an official diagnosis so it's all pretty fresh and I feel like I started to unmask only recently after learning about all that. I used to mask a bit even when I was alone because I was telling myself that I'm weird and I need to behave "normally". Now that I know a lot about this topic I allow myself to do whatever I feel like when I can and honestly it's been so liberating!
College was such a godsend for me. K-12 was pretty awful, so I expected college to be awful. But having the teacher be someone who loved the subject matter so much they went to school for an extra 6+ years and also made researching that subject and then teaching it their job was so engaging. It was the closest thing to engaging in someone else's special interest I had ever come to by that point in my life. I miss the enthusiasm of that environment...
"This is the right way to do it" when they're are so many different ways to do something hit hard. For me it is the Dishwasher. It became such a thing that I couldn't even learn my Partner's method. The ADHD doesn't help with this, obviously, but ALL of the rules become jumbled and I can't remember which way the spoons are supposed to go in, if I can put glass next to each other, or any of a number of rules I've been told the complete opposite thing for.
I am a guest service representative ( desk clerk) and have hid it by overly "acting" I can't help the emotionally loud conversations with those close to me. But no one suspects Autism and I like to keep it that way. And I'm over 50. I hate confrontation, sometimes passive aggressive me comes out, other Times its condescending me shows its face, and then Patronizing me cheeks in there. The juggling is sometimes overwhelming, but I get through. I've made it through with no pills. I have used THC a lot. May not be for everyone. Makes some paranoid. Get those toxic people out of your life A.S.A.P. that Gaslight and belittle your "problem" Its hard for an Autistic person to remove themselves from narcissistic people, but you must.
My doctor told me that there is no doubt that I am on the spectrum but that I hide it very, very well. No, I'm not formally diagnosed, but I have a history of being placed in special ed and put on medication. Back in the 1960's it simply wasn't acceptable to be different. You learned to adapt--or you were removed from society and institutionalized.
For all my autistic buddies: Do you do any of these things? What's your experience with "hiding" autism? And what helps you be able to unmask? Drop some of your thoughts below - we enjoy learning from everyone here!
I don't hide who I am. I am good the way I am.
Did you ever have a moment where you thought, well, is there even something, anything behind my mask? 🥺
I was diagnosed at 44 a couple of weeks ago. I mask to fit into society. I've learned that if I "be myself" which non-autistic people keep telling me to do, then I get frustrated and no one wants to engage with me.
My partner helps me unmask. I don't have to pretend around him. My mother, definitely undiagnosed AuDHD, forces me to mask and put energy into fluff and answering all her questions and if I have the wrong tone or expression she thinks I'm being rude, but will never stop nagging me about refilling the kettle even though I've only forgotten to a couple of times.
She's lived a lifetime with a mask on and she expects to see my masked self, because it's what was always expected.
@@danieldunlap4077 The trick is to find other Autistic people in a nice setting and you'll get along like wildfires.
I recommend either a Warhammer store or a job in a web development team. The second one is me, and my entire team is literally ADHD or Autistic. It's wonderful. We can be weird and incredibly smart about our specific roles together.
"It is statistically impossible that you don't know someone who is autistic."
"Well of course I know him. He's me!"
Do you really know yourself?
@@Mindbulletz Better than you do :D
Star Wars reference
I see what you did there. ⭐️wars reference, good job 👍 🎉
Hope you didn't turn into a force ghost by now 😢
Hiding autism isn't just like hiding your favourite food. It's hiding your favourite _everything._ You can never talk about or show anything you like _ever!_ Not because it's wrong, but because others aren't into it as much as you are and that'd irritate them and you'd have to pay the price for their irritation.
Ouch, the way I felt this...
spot on :)
Re: "you'd have to pay the price for their irritation." They would laugh at you if you presented your interests or concerns. That's why we autistics keep quiet in social settings.
@@WaterlooExpatyall have to find some better nt friends, they aren't all like that lol
@@LuluTheCorgi Not one friend has treated me that way.
I revealed to a bunch of our friends my late Autism diagnosis, my wife warned me I would regret it and in many ways she was right. I immediately sensed how they began treating me differently, as a "special person" and not just like the regular guy they had known over the years. I came to regret my decision to unmask.
Unfortunately, sadly, you found out they weren't actually friends with you. They were friends with a mask. They liked that idea of you, but if they can't cope with You then there's nothing to regret. It's how you weed out the bad apples.
It hurts to lose friends. There's people I wish I'd reconnected with after school, university, work. But we're out there, the ones who understand you, and to be honest if you go anywhere interesting, I don't think we're too hard to find.
@@Sadkoi Yes, spending time with quality friends, especially neurokin like autists, is much better than having to mask with superficial "friends".
Seems sad to lose some, but now there's room for better ones to fill that void.
I see many people who have 100's of "friends" on facebook and those are the people that I expect not to accept that you have autism (and unmask) because it's a big inconvenience to them. In my opinion, most people on this planet are like that and that's what's wrong with society... it's all about me-me-me.
I just have (almost) a handful of friends and not a single one has had a problem with it when I came out with it. On the contrary I'd say, I'm getting more understanding, help and support from them since they know.
Have subscribed and been following you since you appeared on my feed. You are a first class communicator, full of valuable information. I have two grandsons with autism and am beginning to understand far better the way they may be thinking. Thank you so much Chris!
I hardly ever unmask. People are not ready for accepting us for who we are. When I say this, I notice they don't even accept themselves, and the non-neurodivergent. Most of them are just andividualistics and lack empathy. That's what I noticed based on my every day experience.
When my mum was very ill in hospital I went to visit her, I became very distressed and I didn’t understand what the nurses were telling me. I asked them if they had someone who knew about autism who I could speak to. I was told that no-one from the mental health team was available. I was really angry and upset because they didn’t even understand the difference between mental health and neurological conditions. Most medical professionals here in the UK don’t understand, even therapists. The only ones who do are those who are neurodivergent themselves
It's shocking. I went to an ADHD group and they were lovely, but I needed to see a therapist. I was handed a small list of therapists who actually had experience helping people with neurodevelopmental issues.
I never got round to calling any of them tbh. It was too much for me when I was already dealing with too much. 😭
Wow!
There isn’t always a difference between mental health and neurological conditions. These categories are human constructs which don’t reflect neurological reality. For example, schizophrenia is a mental illness, a neurological difference, and a developmental disorder. Depression is a mental illness which may be neurological.
I have tried for years in the US to get a good therapist. Last one said god could heal me. One before knew nothing about the condition, and I had to teach him. Personally, I am finding them next to useless and completely following the wrong scripts.
Need to find an Autism / ADHD group to just hang out with. But even then, I find things difficult (never found a great group that fit my needs).
So, I completely agree with your final sentence.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and am also SO PROUD of you for advocating for yourself and asking for someone who understands autism. I hope that you keep doing that even after this experience, because eventually someone is going to notice that it’s a problem. Maybe it won’t help you in the moment, but it could help someone else. Also, hopefully someday you’ll actually be pleasantly surprised and get a positive answer. Hang in there. You are awesome!
Me since I was a kid: "Why nobody likes me? Why can't I get/keep friends? Why I can't do these things everyone else can? Why can't I get/keep a job? Why is life so hard?"
Me, long over 30+, finding out about autism: "Oh."
Doctor, when I ask could I get some tests: "You can't be autistic. You're speaking clearly and making eye contact."
When my doc refused to test me, because "You can't be autistic. You're communicating without help. A test is not required because i say so and i am the doc, i am qualified, you are not." i questioned his qualifications and asserted he isn't up to date if he hasn't visited any seminars on autism since the 90s. Since he was an old school behaviorist close to 70 years of age with a psychological point of view and was dismissive of neurological developmental disorders, he offhandedly mislabled me with narcissistic personality disorder and dismissed me and my concerns. looking back it seems i had the misfortune of meeting a narc in the medical field and rubbed him the wrong way by being blunt and direct and standing up for myself... :D
@@davidbonar5190 we are true poison and bait at the same time to narcs and they just love to mess with our heads. I have been gaslit soooo many times trough all my life in many different situations. I have developed a keen radar in detecting them
I was lucky to get diagnosed young so at least I knew why all that was happening.
Plus I managed to keep a small friend group.
Though im terrified of what would happen if something where to happen to it, because idk if I can do that again.
I have had a very hard time making and keeping friends my whole life. Eventually I would be asked a question, answer honestly, be called a B****… friendship over. In my late 30s I made friends with a small group and have been friends with them for around a decade. Recently the guy who introduced me to everyone got an autism diagnosis. Turns out everyone in the group has or is getting diagnosed one by one. 🤣 I put in a request because my son is autistic and the whole friend group says I’m clearly autistic. My husband is neurotypical but loves hanging out with the group because they’re not judgmental and mean what they say. It’s what he liked about me when we started dating as he is physically disabled.
No one can make or keep friends anymore, that's not just an autism thing. After learning that I felt much better about myself
My son is blind and autistic,has adhd and anxiety he is now 15 and i'm homeschooling him. I always want and encourage him to be himself. He is the happiest person i know with all the challenges he is facing so he is my hero.
W parent
are you sure he has ADHD? lot of boys get misdiagnosed with it these days just for being rambunctious boys
Bro your son has the _how did we get here_ achivment💀
@@chrisk6637THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
I'm employed but usually max out at 2 days a week. My almost full-time heart job I had to leave because of bullying. I just reach my limit on humans. Often, I go full-on and then burn out and have to quit. Being burnt out means it's so much harder to maintain the mask and avoid meltdowns, so it's a very delicate balance.
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for talking about female autism. Masking is exhausting but ensures I can connect with people and get on in the workplace. My workplace has a neurodiversity group and training is in the pipeline. Thank you for this video. ❤
We're finalizing a video that's specifically about female autism that's coming in a few weeks! Would enjoy hearing your thoughts after it's out - and I agree, the masking is really tiring but I understand the pull to do it in order to connect. That's great about your workplace 👏Hopefully with some of the training that's happening, everyone will be able to be more comfortable working together.
You are so lucky, I am really struggling at work. No support, no understanding.
I am being evaluated this coming Monday. I am 53. I think that I have really bad autistic burnout from performing (masking) my entire life. I can't seem to cope with the smallest of inconveniences, changes or challenges now, and I used to PUSH through and "succeed" and get myself out of every big crisis without any "shown" issues-stayed employed, housed, fed (had what I thought were random bouts of depression and anxiety, meltdowns, anger issues and volatility that came out of nowhere!!!!) Now if something minor happens, I just about fall apart or panic. I think it's because I am in a safe place mentally now, that's quiet, kids are grown. I have the "room" to look at myself now. I have noticed that the older I get, I seem to get more instances of being let go from jobs by women, because they think i'm being insubordinate, or they don't like me or i'm rude. I think it's simply because I can't perform anymore and pretend to be a woman like them. I don't think i've ever had a bad review or let go by a man- if anything i've been promoted and had good references. Because I didn't have to act like a typical woman with them. I could be honest and straightforward, what other people would think is aggressive, and they did not take it personally. Only time I would get spoken to with the men is if I didn't recognize hierarchies, which I have a hard time with. The irony is that I work in a counseling office now and my boss, who is a licensed clinical social worker, doesn't seem to take any stock in me being autistic. She was a boss at a previous job and said I used to have such a great attitude and what happened lol. That was a mask baby. Chin up and smile and don't let anyone see the panic and uncertainty 😂
@@carlawilliams6730 Yes, my life is very similar. My last boss would bully me for perceived rudeness, hated when I spoke up and asked questions, couldn't acknowledge that quality work takes time - whilst she like my work as delivered she repeatedly asked me to work faster and cut corners. I'm so burnt out, I've taken 4 months off work and I'm still exhausted.
@lynettejwhite part-time is essential for me now!!! Used to be able to work 50 hour weeks. Only reason I can afford to do PT now is because my husband works so hard and we paid our house off. I am currently working 2-3 days a week, with days off in between. I really don't know if it is accommodation or just acknowledging that if they want me to do the really good job that I do I can't work 2 days in a row. I find that if I have a really long day with lots of stress with peopling (lots of phone calls dealing w/insurance billing yuck!), high brainpower use while juggling many details, that the entire next day at home I can do very little, like housework and basic things, but even "fun" things that take any effort. I am learning not to feel guilt over my full-day "rest" days.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was 59. If you were born with autism prior to the 1980s, you were pretty much out of luck. I have seen a good dozen mental health professionals since my teens. Not one of them ever picked up on my autism. The ignorance on autism even among mental health professionals, is tragic.
Believe me, they didn't know about it in the 80s either.
And if you were a girl born in the ‘70s forget it! I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and bipolar (which I always felt were wrong) before my diagnosis at 42. Apparently I mask well enough to fool my oldest son (28) who I also believe is like me Audhd, but he refuses to listen to me about it. He also believes the 2 doctors who diagnosed him with ADHD as a child were “quacks”. I don’t know how to talk to him about it- Id love a video about late diagnosed adults with grown children who don’t believe them and are also undiagnosed neurodivergent themselves! It has been so difficult.
I'm 51 and I was just diagnosed in July. My life makes a lot more sense now.
@@aredriksnow2569 that's interesting your son doesn't believe you or want to hear about it. Usually it's the offspring making the parents realize their own neurodivergence.
@@s-nooze He's probably got into anti mental health circles because he doesn't "want to be" like that.
Just be yourself they said.
Why you so weird they said.
I AM myself. Can’t really mask; waste of energy, which I don’t have to waste. People don’t like me. I try to be polite so I can at least hold down a job, but that’s about it. People can feel sorry for a disabled person; they can respect a smart person, even if they don’t especially like that (particularly in a woman; we’re not supposed to show up men); nobody can process being twice-exceptional. “Everything is either much easier or much harder for me than it is for everyone else!”, is how I put it before I knew there was a proper term for this. 🫤
Always a trap😂
Its a trap, allways. They want you to be open, so they can take you down. Masking is also a shield.
Been there, got the t-shirt. 😂
I hope you’re all doing OK out there.
I became a teacher because I hated school as a student. I knew I could make it better for kids "like me." It turns out that "like me" meant exceptionally neuro-divergent (not just weird 😂). I'm happy to say that 30 years of students experienced the wonder of my unhinged exuberance for learning before I burned out in a most epic manner. Tunnel vision, tone deaf, no touch sensation, limited comprehension, blood pressure fluxuation...
And then, I healed myself.
Its taken almost 4 years but I feel brand new again
Very lucky students to have connected with your neurodiversity. I enjoyed teaching too. Loved seeing the virtual "light bulbs" going on, over their heads. Classroom interactions were usually rewarding, mandatory teacher meetings were tedious. Couldn't fit in. Eventually, substitute teaching gave me more flexibility.
Remember subbing a Special Ed class, and the EA (educational assistant) telling an ADHD student to "slow down" while doing his work. If I were in that situation again, I'd encourage the EA to try to "speed up".
Told students they could "do the easy ones first" - instead of their getting stuck and stumbling over doing it "in order". An "outside the box" approach, which stunned, yet liberated, a few kids.
Also told ADHD kid to answer quiz questions at a comfortable (fast) speed, then re-do questions, but not looking at 1st answers. Re check, and re-do those with different answers. Doing a quiz 3 times, in same time it takes a NT person to do it once. Variant processes, that I found works for myself, and hopefully some kids.
I became a professor for the same reason!
Note about increasing autism diagnoses:
Anecdotally, many diagnoses seem to happen bc a family member was diagnosed. I personally think this is an important part of why diagnosis rates seem to be exploding.
Consider my example: I have a partner and we have a kid. I was the first to discover that I'm autistic, just recently. And shortly after, my partner and my kid were both diagnosed as autistic as well. But it doesn't stop there: I've been sharing info with my parents and siblings and even my in-laws, and so far several of them have already discovered that they really resonate with all of this info about autism, and I have a several more family members in-mind who are likely to be on the spectrum as well.
So, no, autism isn't contagious. But information and awareness is, I guess you could say. And when that information reaches a family of previously undiagnosed but high-masking individuals, you're going to see an explosion of diagnoses (and self-diagnoses, bc let's be real - diagnosis is disgustingly inaccessible to a lot of people).
I imagine we'll see the rate of increase in the diagnosis rates slow down and level out to a consistent level again, albeit at a higher rate than before, once the information has breached the majority of previously undiagnosed family systems.
My family all show strong signs of autism, but for some reason don’t want to believe they are. It may also be the case that growing acceptance of neurodiversity is causing autistic people themselves to become more comfortable with the idea they may be autistic and seeking diagnoses, as is the case with me after moving out
also, family live together. family teaches eachother. family learns together. Autistic brains are teaching forming brains how to look at the world from an autistic perspective. So traits and skills and strategies are passed.
Plus acquired autism is a thing and curable.
Its more than just observance, there’s autism like behaviors and basically acute autism and etc too.
Autism is really following the alcoholism AA route. Originally for the skid row alcoholic. Now it’s for the 24 yo who had a dui. Is the 24yo an alcoholic? Or…?
At what point does it just turn into a perspective? Some argue “its not a disability!” while cashing disability checks…
Its a messy situation.
@@invisibleaccount9284growing acceptance doesnt necessarily translate to seeking diagnosis or behavior though. they would behave the same regardless of diagnosis, so what does that mean? i dont get how being more comfortable changes if they have autism or not.
@@threestans9096no. Autism cannot be learned. Autistic behaviors can be learned, as Leo DiCaprio did for _Gilbert Grape;_ but the underlying brain differences that cause unique needs for neurodivergent people are not "learned." They are physical, structural differences. If it can be "cured," it wasn't autism.
It can, however, be more tightly masked, sometimes as a response to ABA therapy. If an autistic person "doesn't do that any more," it doesn't mean they're "cured." It means they're conditioned to act differently.
@@threestans9096 “acquired autism is a thing and is curable.” source?
Ohhhh yes. Just recently decided to inquire about why I act the way I do as I always felt alone, stumbled across the potentiality of being autistic and then I tested, and tested and tested across multiple accredited sites which has led me to wanting to get an assessment to see if my suspicion is correct. I’m certain it is as I’ve been bullied for being different from my conception!
Bullying hasn’t stopped since I left the school system and I’ve heard I am a “space cadet”, “moron”, and “weirdo” all because I didn’t fit into the narrative others wanted me to fill.
I’ve watched a couple of your videos and it’s like you’re talking to the man behind the scenes frantically pulling the levers keeping up the facade/mask I’ve perpetuated my entire life to fit in!
I feel heard and honestly that’s something I never thought I would feel.
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
I think that one of the major problems is that Autistics are being identified and assessed by non-autistic professionals;
Two nurses once came to my house once to test me for dyspraxia. They asked me lots of questions, ticked lots of boxes and nodded a lot…They did not have a clue what they were talking about!
But why would they, they were neurotypical, the concept of divergence would be beyond their comprehension, outside of their experience and understanding. They were completely unqualified for the task. What we need is more people who ‘get it’ working in the field.
Oh my god, this. It's crucial.
Good luck with that, autistic folk aren't exactly people persons. I'm a programmer for a reason
Absolutely. I noticed traits in my brother long before even my mother did. I'm on the observation constantly for my other siblings too.
I feel like it would be ideal if only autistic people could assess for autism. Or at the very least, they should be included somewhere in the process. I bet the process would be much better for the person being assessed and more accurate.
Yes, this has to stop. So I disclose my autism and try not to mask. Doing this has helped me get matched with a job that suits my skills, and I have accomodations at work. In my department of 20, 4 of us are autistic.
When I joined my time and realised we were all odd in the same way, it was like the best day ever.
@@autisticMargo Love this!
Different variety of neurospicy here, so take these observations with a grain of salt. I'm married to someone who has been in the tech industry for the last 30 years, and we've both noticed that a considerable number of his co-workers have been somewhere on the autism spectrum. We've considered why this might be, and considered that tech as a special interest, the tech sector's focus on fact-based decision making (no matter how uncomfortable the facts may be) and the fact that multiple tech companies were founded by people who appear to exhibit autistic traits all come into play here. Plus once a company has hired a certain number of autistic people and listen to their feedback on how the company could provide better support, the corporate culture tends to become more welcoming to neurodiverse folks.
I agree, I am also a software engineer and I have many colleagues who think similarly to how I do. Maybe if I would work at a smaller company with less corporate politics it could be a really good environment 🤔
@teknosbeka there are pros and cons either way. Whatever you try, i hope you will have protection by policies. I work in a small department of a large health organization. There are ADA and inclusion policies. I was the first to disclose in my dept. HR has my autism on record so they had to protect my job. Over the years now the stigma has lessened. Every situation is different. I wish you success in finding a good employment fit.
There's several reasons autistics have issues with employment, but to me, the biggest seems to be the interview process. It's geared in such a way that it's pretty much guaranteed to keep autistics out. It's just too difficult for us to answer the questions the way they want them answered. Because, let's face it, they're stupid questions. And of course, body language while being grilled with inane questions really plays against us. I only managed to get the job I have because I went through a temp agency. Once I got into the office and showed how good I was at the job, I got hired. But, I've been stuck in that job for twenty years now because in order to advance, I need to do the interview game.
YES! I feel this. 😢 Interviews are the worst.
Mirror to get what you want for the short term is not that hard..... though it does lead to burnout occasionally.
I just can't understand why you wouldn't research the heck out of behavior/body language/ interviewing and just mask to move forward. The saying "fake it till you make it" has worked wonders for me since 2 years ago I decided I was gonna go way out of my comfort zone or die.
What would you rather be doing? If you can't give a concise answer, then that is why things are the way they are in your life.
I say this from a place of love, not hate. Sorry if I came across as harsh. I just wanted to share a different perspective.
Hope the best for you!
I went through a temp agency, too! But after four years we got a new executive director- that turned out to be a narcissist. I was recommended for another job, that helps disabled people with job placement, but the interview process failed me. So ironic. Meanwhile, my boss tried to force me to quit. I didn't even know I was masking, but autistic burnout hit and the only choice I had was to leave. That was years ago, and I'm still recovering.
After discovering I am autistic, so much finally made sense. My struggles at home, in school, at work, with other people and life in general, as far back as I can remember. And it solved the mystery of why my coworkers seemed okay with me when I wasn't working, but had problems when I was. I tried to connect, but small talk is insufferable. When I hyperfocus, especially on budgets and financial reports, everything else ceases to exist. I can't handle interruptions, and people often just wanted to chat or say "hi." While working, I was told I am perceived as angry and unapproachable. I prefer to communicate through email, rather than having a conversation in person or over the phone. I ask for meetings to be scheduled, instead of coming to me on a whim. If an emergency arose because someone didn't do their job, I didn't blame them, but tried to put a procedure in place so it wouldn't happen again. I am a stickler for rules, policies and procedures. When I thought I was being nice, my manager would get complaints, etc.
This has been true across the board, in every facet of my life. And I've been blamed. I've gotten in trouble. I've been written up. I've been fired. It's incredibly frustrating to try so hard and still fail.
@@Sun-ng7gj Not everyone can mask through everything, or I'm sure they would have.
@ZeonGenesis your absolutely right. But if you can't do something why be upset about it? Use that energy towards something you can do
I have been hiding for over 55 years and didn't even know it. I was diagnosed last year. Still learning what and why all this means for me. I really enjoy your videos. I picked up a Nee Doh cube a few weeks ago and I love it.
As a late diagnosed autistic person ( diag lv 2) raised as a girl, I didn't learn to mask.. I was forced to by my family .. As a baby and as a toddler I was scolded, punished, for every autistic trait that I showed .. and forced to act the neurotypical girl way .. At age 5 I almost didn't show any repetitive behaviour, I suppressed any meltdowns I could (I still remember the last one at age 2-3, they hold me in a bathtub full of water.. yeah.. I'm 39 yo and it's still a very present memory), I had to hide any hiperfixation and whatever big feelings I had.., I didn't do it on purpose.. to fit in.. I really was forced since my early childhood , I was a very stressed child .. no wonder I was and still am a person with selective mutism.. But yeah.. never had a say on masking..
And most of it was just because I was raised as a girl and they had to make me fit on the social expectation of it, it was the 80's .. don't move too much, don't talk too much, smile to everyone, totally gaslighting me about my sensory issues too.. and so on..
At the first day of school I was already repressing everything I could, hiding my autism without even knowing..
Most of this sounds incredibly familiar to me.
Girls must be quiet, clean and tidy, well-behaved, helpful, pleasant and patient. They are all naturally nurturing, good with children, enjoy housework and cooking, prefer support roles, are gentle and non-confrontational. They're good at multi-tasking, sociable, co-operative, naturals at teamwork, good at communication and expressing their emotions, and highly empathetic.
Oh, and they must never show that they're smarter than a boy, never compete with boys, but if they do, they should lose. They should downplay their intelligence, such as it is, and not worry about education because it's wasted on them. They should always be agreeable and compliant.
Any girls that aren't? Well, there's a lot of names for them, and you'll soon learn how to 'behave properly' my girl.
Boys? Well, boys will be boys, you know.
Sounds awful. Hugs 🫂
This sounds incredibly familiar to me too. At least I had the luck that one of my special interests was ballet, so that particular obsession was accepted.
Certain parts of my family didn't like it very much when I became a rebellious teen (I blame the ADHD part of my AuDHD), realised that I was queer, and refused to act "normal" for the sake of fitting in, since I wasn't going to be accepted in our small, conservative town no matter what. I went off to art school in the Big City, and struggled through whatever jobs I could until chronic migraines and depression (and now Long Covid) landed me on long term disability. The poverty and illness suck, but the freedom, not so much.
That sounds like your parents some mental illness themselves, dark triad kinded.
@@carolinejames7257that seems a pretty one sided vision. I grew up in the way you both described,but being a boy, and pushed this way by my mother, except the intelligence part, for which she praised me.
Always needing to keep quiet,calm, gentle, never allowed to show disappointment, anger,frustration, even when she would berate me for hours. Not being allowed to show emotion , for it to be demonized and shamed for it. Saying that i stunk,that i was in the way,that i was a "pussy" ,or "big,fat and dumb" ,for not acting like she expected a boy to act. Having to keep bottling that for years, all the time, inside and outside the house.
Not being able to make connections, due to the shame and guilt drip fed to me.
Don't come crying to me as if it is a men thing , when it was my mother winding my key like a toy soldier.
Love this video. Always got hit both in school and in work by being told "it wasn't done the right way" and "this is how it is supposed to be done". In a few jobs that was all the time but mom always taught improvise, adapt, overcome which doesn't go over with these people.
Yeah… and what if the way it’s “supposed to be done” sucks? Coming up with better or alternative ways could be very advantageous.
@@ChrisandDebby I think my problem in school was I just didn't understand the way they wanted me to do it. I realise now I was supposed to memories all that repetition and being talked at. There was never a pause to make sure I understood what was being said or explained.
I struggle to listen and understand other presenters on You tube that talk about Autism. You are the only one that l can feel comfortable and drawn too. Thank you you make so much sense and l like your sense of humour. You have helped me so much 😊
Debby always looks like she finds her husband's wackiness so endearing
I bet there are times she is absolutely pulling her hair out over it.
She is good at masking her allistic tendencies 😉
I struggled really hard mentally for quite a long time. It reached a really really bad point and stayed there for a few years when the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally decided that I needed to mask harder. Though ignorant, it was well intentioned so I try not to hold it against her. But now that I’ve moved out and been lucky enough to find people who love me for who I am again, without masking (or decreasing masking as I feel more and more comfortable), I feel like a normal person again. I feel joy and the dark thoughts are almost entirely gone.
For me, the depression came from a universal human reaction to isolation. Only, because of the masking, I was isolated despite being surrounded by people who apparently liked me.
You've just pictured my actual life 😢😢
Of course, suicide and depression are higher for autistic people. Constantly feeling like you don't fit in and you have to hide who you really are is extremely depressing!
My advice as someone who is in their late 30s with autism is don't hide. it's painful but its better to find out which people weren't worth it to begin with.
The sad fact is 90% of humanity or more is BEEEEEEP if you catch my drift. find the few good people and stick with them. nobody else matters.
Hope you’re doing OK.
I always felt like I was secretly alien. Anyone else?
It is :(
But finally I understand why I've been living through situations like that.
I'll die knowing WHY.
@@x-_arthurmorgan-_x5528 Alien between aliens, yes. I didn't fit with extroverted weirdos....
I couldn't be just an introverted, there was ''more'' in play, in front of my nose all the time (masking to myself).
I was mis-diagnosed with moderate depression about 20 years ago. No amount of therapy or medication seemed to help but they still did not even consider if it could be something else. And on top of that, I hadn't a slightest of clue myself what my problem was.
Then I was seeing one girl I met online. Had known for some time by then, but she asked me if I was autistic. At the time I was 32 (now 35) and I think what was the single most important question I've ever received in my whole life.
Due to the previous depression diagnosis, they were extremely reclutant to assess me for autism. At first, I had to fight to tooth and nails against out psychiatric clinic to agree to study me. After that, even though by every metric I was obviously autistic, I had to continue the fight against the chief doctor of the clinic to accept the diagnosis. It took over two years of fighting before they finally relented and gave it to me.
Now for a couple of years I've had to learn quite literally everything anew. From eating, sleeping, wearing clothes to living and actually keeping myself even alive. Yes, literally keeping myself alive, as I haven't done very good job of it. Originally, the depression diagnosis wasn't necessarily wrong, but it was still a mis-diagnosis because in reality it was all just caused by acute and chronic autistic burnout. While I'm still just taking baby steps in learning to live, I haven't seen a smallest sight of the depression because I now know what caused it and can accommodate appropriately. Mostly. I still cannot regulate the amount of energy that would be appropriate to use for work so that I don't break myself and burn out. And I'm still far from fully able to actually work to make my living. But I'm slowly getting there. Although, it is hard not to feel sometimes that it was too little and too late. Mainly because it is excruciatingly hard to get proper help for working these things out at this age. Would've been so much easier as a kid, or even just 25, because 29 is the cut-off age for most healthcare and social security related services that would be helpful for autism in my country.
It was this channel that said it, but the worst part is that the things that can help someone with standard depression to claw their way out, will not work for someone with Autistic burnout. They look the same, but they're oceans apart.
@@Sadkoiwhat works then???
@@Portia620 1) identify what makes you struggle: these can include factors things like noise and lights, and remove those factors 2) for me a huge one was that I was under constant time-pressure to finish work, and then again pressure from home to not make over-hours. 3) one of the factors for me was also that I noticed things that needed to be done - so i did take time to do them, while everyone else didn't even see them nor believe they could be important when I pointed them out 4) being allowed to do things your way 5) being able to take breaktimes that are away from noise, conversations and the like - often breaktimes are way more tireful than the work itself for autistic people, 6) a really hard one: learn to say that NOW something is IMPOSSIBLE, but you may be able to do it another moment, 7) accept that average activities may take you much more energy than most people, admit that it is enough for today (I also found that working as a team with a very chatty college was a double job for me: talking and doing the work simultaneously took an incredible amount of energy while for my college it was relaxing)
@@Portia620 Unmask and find supporting people. Don't think much about it, this is the way trust me.
Here is a poem I managed to get to paper a few years back after getting diagnosed at 35. It was how it felt. Especially before knowing what was going on.
PLAYING THE PRETEND GAME
Be careful when playing the pretend game
The objective is not to be found out
If you are
You have failed.
Failure brings shame.
You mustn't let people see fully who you really are.
They will not understand
So you do your best
The 'Normal' world can be harsh if you fail.
So the facade stays rigidly in place
But when they see though the cracks in it, panic sets in.
They mustn't see all of the real you
They will not understand.
So you try even harder to master the pretend game.
You hope and pray that you get through this hiccup, in the game.
Relief sets in when you do
Till the next hiccup crops up
Then you panic once more.
The pretend game is not just something to amuse one self with to pass the time.
It's the difference between surviving the world out there or yours falling apart infront of everyone.
The last thing you want, is to be treated like some freakish thing.
So be careful when playing the pretend game
The objective is not to be found out
If you are
You have failed.
Remember failure brings shame.
Excellent poem, and spot on!
I’ve felt, for many years now, that I had a quality that didn’t want to be found out. It seeks to remain hidden from everyone. Whenever I tried to tell someone, I could never find the right words. It’s like that part of me was sabotaging me so that it stayed hidden. This poem fits my experience to a strong degree
Thank you Autie friend 💜
It’ll be great if one day there’s more autistic people then allistic, I can imagine people getting diagnosed now “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your child isn’t autistic. They will never be able to tell you every detail about an obscure topic, and won’t be as good as the other kids at problem solving, no don’t cry, there’s a lot of programs that can help you learn how to handle the new challenges.”
Thank you for another great video! One slight request: Please mention that it's not as clear-cut as "female autism" and "male autism," and a lot of it has to do with socialization. Little girls and little boys have very different expectations placed upon them in some ways, and their masking ability (or lack thereof) can have a lot to do with that. Personally, I prefer the terms "high masking autism" and "low masking, autism" but I am just a random person on the internet. Thank you for all that you do - I always look forward to watching your content.
Correct.
I don't believe there's two autisms...two types, that's biased crap.
Social expectations ARE the point and you've just nailed the issue!
Thank you! I was told years ago I have ADHD when I had my daughter diagnosed. But through your channel and a few others, I'm beginning to realize I'm AUDHD.
Chris & Debbie-Thank you so very much for doing what you are doing. To be warmly & kindly acknowledged-with such grace and good humor is an unbelievable gift!
I mask so hard I have forgotten how to not mask. I have no idea how to experience decompression or relief. It's terrible. I wish I hadn't fallen down this path.
I don’t know if this will help, but one thing that’s always helped me relax is either doing something related to my special interests (playing related games, drawing, reading), or finding a creative way to stim (I like to dance and stim to my favorite songs). I’ve heard that a lot of autistic people can’t decompress until they are fully on their own as well, which is definitely the case for me.
It took me a long time to learn how to unmask myself, and I’m still slowly learning and getting better as time goes on. I wish you luck on finding your path out and I hope you’ll get to feel more like yourself again soon.
@@Ok_69 Thank you so much for this!! I do think I look forward to being alone haha because then I feel I can do what I need to do i.e clean and work on things without the added stress. And lately I haven't had that in about 6 months and it's not working for me.
I think you've a lot of great ideas. I should put more focus on those things any time I can and maybe try and find a way to have some one on one time with just me =-=
Late diagnosis so I’m kinda on the same page , I really struggle to decompress and I’ve worn a semi normal mask for so long it’s just who I am now …..
From my experience, could be pegging things wrong here, but if you "mask so hard you forgot to mask" you might just... *not be* doing it?
As in, not doing it as hard as some other people. If you cant not do it, then you are just being yourself. Its strange to think of it that way, im sure but this is pretty much my outlook.
Here's the thing, just because you dont feel like youve been able to decompress or experience relief doesnt mean that masking is the reason for it.
Rather just as the advice Ok_69 there gave you, you can just do things that are relaxing.
This sounds a bit backwards but one way I find I sometimes can get a rush of relaxation is something with low steaks but also a short time limit. Basically a project that it doesnt *really* matter how it turns out but it *needs* to get done in 48 hours. I dont know how to organically set that up but for my case its this thing called game jams. Basically you make a videogame from start to finish in 48 hours. It is a rush, and I find it does help me decompress when I do it. A lot of fast paced problem solving all singularly oriented into one goal with a hard set deadline, but there's no real loss if I have nothing to show for it by the end.
@@Yipper64 I understand what you mean, so here’s my best explanation of it:
When I started masking, I would notice how others reacted to different parts of my personality. It was kind of like manually adjusting (like the volume of a speaker) my traits and behaviors to do more of what people liked, and less of what they didn’t. At some point I felt almost like a shell of who I used to be, so used to avoiding parts of myself that I didn’t even realize they were still part of me.
When I began figuring out how to unmask, I had to go back and undo my previous adjustments, trying to figure out what setting they were originally at. When I was masked for so long, I was still myself, but a version of me that had gotten used to the new settings. Now that I’ve done a lot of work to adjust and change things back, I feel a lot more like who I was meant to be. Happier, more genuine, and less worried about the settings.
I’m not sure if it makes sense the way I put it, but I’m glad you brought it up. It’s less of putting in work every day to mask, and more like making small changes over time and getting used to it. Adjusting it too much makes it harder to feel like yourself though.
One of the things I wish was out there was a comprehensive list, by state, of medical doctors and mental doctors who specialize in autism and not just for children. I am currently looking for these very things in my state and city and I have no idea where to look. I'm exhausted from it all.
Try Google Scholar for research papers on autism to find the people who are actually interested in autism. Then look for the doctors that are in your state.
It’s how I came across one of the leading researchers of Fragile X, and I managed to get an appointment with her.
Contact your state's autism society for referrals. Or Vocational Rehabilitation. Or your state's Arc. Good wishes!
I love how you talk about this and how knowleadgable you are. I'm sure we all ended up with a special interest in Autism at some point 😭
And it's weirdly comforting hearing you speak about Autism in both men and women, and the differences. It's so stupid, but women so often get swept to the side for being dramatic, or stressy, or for just being emotional. I'm not saying we need a male advocate, but I also know that some people and even professionals just won't listen to hear what we are saying. If men also struggle then we have almost no chance.
I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety before my ADHD diagnosis. Another doctor told me I can't have tourettes because I don't swear at people and punch things. It took another 6 years before I received my official diagnosis.
I'm still waiting for my autism assessment. But these different conditions are just the corona around Autism, in my opinion. I wish there was a more holistic approach to all of these conditions. They're just smoke to the fire. The fire comes from a brain wired incorrectly. We can't look at each condition with a fence around it, and stretch the time until a true diagnosis is found for decades..
I wish one day there would be one building for all these comorbidities. I think that's what I want most. I don't want to be treated seperately for the adhd, the tourettes, and the obsessive thoughts. I don't want my tourettes to be so awful and painful because the ADHD medication makes it worse. I don't want to take tourettes medication, and stop being a functional human, even if it stops the pain. I wish it hadn't taken 26 and 29 years to be diagnosed with Tourettes and then ADHD. It'll be 31 for the Autism if they agree, the last few things that the ADHD couldn't explain, that this is what it is.
My bingo card will be complete, at least.
Also I wanted to tell you you're adorable, sorry for being so depressing 🥲
Good video. I was just dx at age 47. I am actually quite stereotypically autistic (for ASD 1), except I was taught from a young age to mask. My mother literally would tell me this is what you do and don't ever do that thing you just did again. Therefore when anyone interacted with me the reaction was usually 'odd but nice' instead of what is wrong with her. To this day most of my masking is very deliberate and what I was explicitly taught. I am sure there is some unconscious masking too. And if I would like to keep my job I will need to continue with the masking I have always done.
Glad you posted this video recently. It speaks to me rn. My youngest sister (half) died 3yrs ago to the day (23rd)to her own hand, aged 26. She was incredibly talented as an artist and smart as well as sensitive. I didn't meet her until she was 16 so only about 10 yrs prior and have only exchanged a few words because she was very shy and quiet and little to no eye contact. I told a family member back then about my suspicion for asd and broached the subject carefully. It was received well but no further action was taken including talking to her about it . 😢
It wasn't until 2020 when she picked up tik Tok and learned about her disability. She was 25 and had dropped out of her master's program due to overwhelm. She felt that same shock and relief many late diagnosed experience. Then her dad applied pressure to get a job... She planned it for weeks, months.
After treating her letter a couple days ago and interesting all of her artwork i feel determined to bring awareness to the topic of your video. That's all she wanted, was to be able to live her life unmasked and receive the support she needed...
After doing some research on her self diagnosis i began to realize im incredibly madked and somehow managed 40 years in the... It's been av rough 40 years free
I’ve absolutely masked my entire life. I’m constantly drumming or making beats with my mouth (that’s not beatboxing) it’s my form of stimming. I talk about design all the time, it’s nice to feel understood.
I know that I get into trouble when I open my mouth, and I have done it very impulsively since I was a kid. Now with 53, I forced myself in life to communicate less and less in most occasions. Do not communicate nowadays means: don't move your body, don't move your face, don' make a sound, don't express anything, otherwise it will not be understood. So I became a very silent person... this is my main masking firewall.
I'm self diagnosed autistic and ADHD female. I haven't gotten diagnosed because of the price to get a diagnosis and I'm afraid that they'll lock me up in a padded room like they tried to do when I was around 3 years old.
I was past through school even when I failed. I suck at math, language arts, I loved P.E., history (but barely past), I really liked science but an average of an 80 grade was all I could do. When it came to highschool I had too keep asking for extra credit just to stay at or slighty above an average of 75, except P.E. for the first 2 years that I was allowed to take P.E. as my elective 100 average was very simple.
My husband is the soul provider because I have severe social anxiety. I stay in the house most of the time because recently I had a massive meltdown where it felt like I was painfully almost passing out my body was going limp. It happened over and over again I couldn't move but I felt all the pain and I thought I was going to be stuck like that for the rest of my life. It happens when I drink coffee and when I'm in social situations, it's only happened twice while laying in bed thinking about social events. It's like my mask got shredded and I don't know how to put it back on to look remotely normal instead of a slow severally anxious introvert.
I'm scared of any kind of social event with people I know. With people I don't know I feel petrified, I don't want to do it but my husband walks me through it.
I don't trust people because I've been stolen from many times growing up. My Mom left my Dad when I was about to turn 11 and we went from house to house living with relatives (that I didn't know) and people my Mom befriended (not trust worthy) and the rules always changed so I got in trouble a lot until I learned to keep what I loved most on my person and stay hidden until called.
I'm sorry for the long comment but I wanted to give a little back story. I love your videos they're very helpful. I'm trying to figure out how to live now and in the future. Can you give me any advice?
I assume you're living in a first world country where they should respect human rights. Even though you are autistic, you're still human and they can't lock you up for a disability like that. Just because you get a diagnosis, it doesn't mean that you are seen as a criminal or you lose your human rights. The advantage of being diagnosed with autism however, is that a few extra doors of support will open to you. You can make use of them or not, that's up to you, but without the diagnosis they will be permanently closed. Your diagnosis should be protected by medical law so unless you disclose it to others, they would not even know about it...
To add to the previous reply, if you're an adult, you should be able to make the final decision on if you'll become institutionalized or not. I was in a psych ward as a teenager (padded room and all, though I never had to go in there) because mandatory reporters (a teacher and a social worker) deemed me a danger to myself after a suicidal episode. The adult ward was close however, and I learned that the people who go there could decide to refuse medical treatment and leave any time, since keeping them there against their will would be a violation of their rights.
A year or two later (I was still a teen) there was consideration about sending me to the ward again, but it wasn't an emergency this time and I kept refusing until the end. They do respect the patient's decisions if you're not an active threat to yourself or others. Unless the police itself mandates you go there, they can't force you.
This is how it works in Germany, at least. I'd imagine that most developed countries where the right to freedom is a thing would handle potential psych ward patients like this.
The padded room only comes into play if you're violent. There was one patient who had to be put into it one time, and he was also the one of us who was there due to a police mandate police. He was more a danger to us than to himself, due to his tendency to get physically violent.
That sounds super difficult. I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. Losing your autonomy that way is really scary. They tried to lock me in an institution as a kid too and it made me not trust adults. Given your history, I'd highly suspect you have PTSD or CPTSD. Plus it's even more prevalent in autistic folk. Have you tried looking for a good, trauma informed therapist? I've found that has really helped me trust myself enough to know what people I can trust and made social situations easier. You might need to try a few to find a good fit, but I'd highly recommend it. You might also check out the book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Peter Levine has excellent work on trauma too. It will take time, but I promise that addressing your trauma will help.
Meltdowns are scary when they hit that point! It sounds like you know some of the triggers, so avoiding coffee and caffeine would probably be wise. At least till you get things better managed. Have you learned about ways to help emotionally regulate yourself? Things like stimming, scripting, engaging in your special interests? Those have been vital for me. I also have a meltdown kit, one in my house and one in my purse. I keep a fidget, chewelry, snacks, smells I like, ear plugs, sunglasses, a notebook and pencil to communicate, a list of things I can do to calm myself, and a playlist on my phone of calming things in the purse version. The house version is a basket set up in a quiet spot that also has a weighted blanket, emergency anxiety meds (cbd and propanolol in my case), a lavender eye pillow, etc. That way everything is in one place so all I have to do is remember to go to my meltdown corner. This also clues my partner in that I need space in case I don't feel like speaking or am feeling overwhelmed by talking. I'd highly recommend this strategy. Your items might be a bit different. When I've chosen to accept that I'm having a meltdown and be compassionate to myself this way, they don't get as intense or last as long. I've also started to recognize the signs of an impending meltdown sooner (skin gets itchy, frustration tolerance tanks, sounds and smells bother me more). So maybe consider watching for what your signs of an approaching one are. I hope this helps and you get to a place where you feel safer, more supported and able to live the way you want to!
Thank you for the replies, they're helpful. I'm working to get up the courage and energy to go in to get help.
As a certified master tutor in mathematics, it was my job to find a way to help someone who was afraid of math to find a way to reach them, and show them they could learn and understand it. I had one native American youth that we finally set the multiplication tables to into a drum song for him to help him memorize the tables. Yeah they still do this in the US. The counselor at the Tribal office convinced the teacher to let him sing the multiplication song to her after class to get credit. The kid had dyslexia, and the teacher was far from understanding until we found a way to assist him with this process.
Thank you for all you do for helping kids, for posting these videos to get the word out there. Been watching your videos from day one pretty much and look forward to each new video.
ableism in the upper midwest of the us is so intense that, unless you are a younger person in a highly enlightened group of people, you are definitely better off not telling anyone. This sucks, a lot, but i have seen what happens. Americans and English people particularly are intensely ableist. They start assigning traits to you, and they stop including you. But then for me, this has been the reality a lot of the time anyway with a lot of non-autistic people, so your mileage may differ.
Some guy hit the back of my head and gave me brain damage. The reason was he didn’t want someone with autism sleeping with women.
I’m a late diagnosed individual. I was 49, assigned female at birth- trans nonbinary person. These videos you make not only help me unpack and understand my own experiences, but also give me the language to explain to my family my differences that have always made me the black sheep. Thank you for your content.
Wonderful to find other "black sheep". We make the world more interesting.
This is coming from a late diagnosed (age 69), gender non-conforming (allegedly female, at birth, but really "two spirit" per native American tradition of both in one), non-binary (binary only makes sense with computers), formerly omni - but now non-sexual, auDHD, being. Virtual hugs to you!
It's the nonbinary club here, and I love it!
We hide it because we can't control it, the world doesn't accommodate it, and we can't stand being beaten and ridiculed for it. So we compensate, and sweep what we can of our personality under the rug. The trade off is we still want to dome ourselves, but not as immediately as we do after an awkward or traumatic social interaction.
I think it's also really important to get these diagnoses correct because we already know that the police are 16 times more likely to unalive under a neuroDivergent person.
Another issue is people with Autism but no learning disability are nine times more likely to analive themselves.
In a Swedish study they showed that the average life expectancy for a person with autism is 54 years old.
Nearly 2/3 of adults with autism have considered suicide
It's worse for kids, because autistic children are 28% more likely to think about suicide than allistic children.
Yep, went through that, but now am glad to still be here, and more accepting of myself. Have had difficult experiences with various forms of "authority" all my life, and currently avoid interactions with police if at all possible. I don't call them, even in a traffic accident (not my fault, but didn't trust interactions with NT cop bullies; who yes, do tend to unalive NDs). Eventually, it seems to work out OK, though, for me...
Getting correct diagnoses is important. I can't help but think that those numbers wouldn't be so awful though if society treated autistic people or any people with differences like actual people worthy of the same respect, consideration and decency as NTs. Obviously that's tougher, but I think it's essential. That's why I appreciate this channel and others like it. We need to normalize autism as just a way of being that's totally valid and acceptable. Then perhaps people wouldn't feel so alone, unsupported and like their best option was not being here. No one should have to feel that way in a supposed "civilized" society. We need to do better.
Excellent video. I was not diagnosed until my early 50s, though I've always known I was wired differently. I'm really good at masking, but not as good as I used to be, and it's more exhausting now as I get older. I feel more comfortable just being myself when I'm home, but every once in a while I'll take a day or a weekend or a week and go off traveling by myself and purposely not mask and just be my true self. And as a spin on that, I'm in active discussions with myself as to wondering who I really am. I have spent over 55 years trying to emulate other people to fit in... do I really know who the true me is? It's a journey at the moment and a wondrous one at that.
I could written this (besides the traveling alone!)
I was diagnosed at 34. I also have OCD, GAD, and a history of severe depression and suicidal ideation starting when I was 8. The autism diagnosis itself eased the depression greatly as it provided an explanation that I was physically different than others, and it wasn’t just a mental failing that I couldn’t fit into society or be accepted socially. I no longer obsessed over my ‘failing’, but I could see it was society’s failure to see my value and accept me. Such a relief really. I still largely mask but feel more okay with myself. The anxiety is still really dominant and I’ve been unemployed for the past 14 months which is a bit of torture tbh.
I'm just swooping in to remind you that being low on dopamine makes you low on norepinephrine (noradrenaline) which causes anxiety when you're low on it.
And if you get emotional blunting from things like SSRIs you might just need something that gives you more norepinephrine or GABA and that might balance out the neurochemicals.
I'm realizing these days that I am probably autistic. I was never diagnosed, but I have had pretty much all of the hallmarks of a high functioning autistic person my entire life. I wish I'd figured it out earlier. It would have spared me so much agony. Constantly having to mask who I truly am really is exhausting.
I'm 39 now. That's a long time to not understand why you don't fit in no matter how hard you try.
The unemployment rate hurt me more and made me more sad then the lower life expectancy and I was actually disappointed that it was only 6 years less.
Same
Pre-diagnosis I saw my doctor regarding blood pressure. We had lifestyle talks several times. I broached the subject of workrelated stress and she said that stress was not a diagnosis as such, but we could try for a depression test. I took it and she went pale... I had answered as somebody with "severe depression". Having seen me on mutiple occations, she was stunned and commented: "You hide it extremely well!" -Well Duh! I wish at that moment she had known about autism and masking. I wish I had known about Autism and masking.
Two years went by on anti depressants, that did nothing, before I connected the dots myself and asked to for a diagnosis.
I am austistic with ADHD, 50 years old at diagnosis and fully employed. -But I am also at the ends of my rope. There is no more to give, no room for a personal life or a social life that I can enjoy. -I have painted or rather masked myself into a corner, where everything is built upon appearing neuro typical.
Getting out of this fix is a monumental task. First by identifying when I mask, then by trying to reconstruct all relations into a version I can live with and having the courage to see social and work relations destroyed (Because that was not the person "they" befrinded or hired for this job)
I can easily understand why suicide is prevalent among late diagnosed adults.
This answers a question I've asked elsewhere, that my masking has been internalized so early as to not realize that's what it is, only realizing now as I learn about autism and recognize the efforts I've made and behaviors I've hidden.
I appreciate that you bring up self-harm behaviours among females because I'm a chronic skin picker. It's a terrible compulsion that was worse when I was a child but I managed to mask that as well when people started telling me off or bullying me because of it.
I'm close to 40 and still undiagnosed, but idk if I can find local medical professionals that would even consider my case. Since I have life arrangements that suit me and the way my brain works at this point, I'm not too worried about actual diagnosis. Does this mean that I'm formally employed? No, but fortunately life is still working out for me.
At this point, I'm just glad that I understand why social interactions mentally and physically exhaust me so much and why I was always regarded as the "very smart, but very weird" person in all the groups I had to be a part of.
Even if, say, I'm not really autistic and it's all in my head (which is pretty ironic), I still think that learning about masking is letting me show compassion towards myself. I can finally stop being so hard on myself for not being like the other people around me.
I was diagnosed on my late 30's. This video summarised so many things about my life.
At 40, my longest employment term was about 2 years. My average job is 6 months. And every single job I was terminated from, I think I’m up to a dozen jobs. I’ve gotten so used to the signs when managers don’t like me that I just walk away from it. Diversity, inclusion, disability rights are a joke in the real world.
The worst part is, I can have a great connection with my co workers who believe I go above and beyond, but I don’t do things the way managers expect them to be done. Nor do I communicate in a socially acceptable way with them.
I have been doing newspaper routes for the past few years and I love it, but the pay is so pitiful.
We also can see more logical, efficient, ways of running a business. However, if we share these ideas for improvement, they're not well received, and are instead taken as personal criticism, or ad hominem attacks, on management. Our "bluntness" tends to lose us jobs. As a ND friend noted, "they don't want to know" (how to better run things). I was incredulous, but he's absolutely right.
Sometimes we're better at running our own businesses, or independent work, but unfortunately lots of us wind up homeless, as Chris said.
BTW, I used to love substitute teaching. Better pay, in demand, varied. Good luck.
Exact same experience. Autistic people often make excellent workers due to being motivated, intelligent and analytical - and these same traits are threatening to the social parasites known as managers, who quickly sniff out that we are “weird”. Which is all they care about, since they don’t do any real work. The quiet discrimination is horrible. I wish more people in this situation would gather evidence and sue the shit out of these scumbags, but it’s really hard to prove that you were discriminated against based on autism even when it’s so obvious in the moment.
I😂as diagnosed at 37. I walked on my toes into my teens and still so today when I get stressed.
Masking is exhausting, and my first bully was my own family. School added to that, and I learned to be “normal” 😂Ben when my brain was saying, umm that ain’t you. Thank you for all your videos bringing light to us on the spectrum. Especially late diagnosis adults.
Love your content and find it very helpful. Diagnosed AuDHD aged 62 after a lifetime of meltdowns, burnouts, anxiety and depression. I’ve been masking for the better part of six decades and it is a major challenge to work out the real me. As I’ve aged my energy reserves have reduced to the point where I just don’t have the capacity to do it anymore. The late diagnosed neurodiverse do have very specific and under recognised difficulties. Not least is the sadness and regret for what might have been my life had this been diagnosed during one of my multiple contacts with mental health professionals. Thanks again for your insightful content.
My mother knows I’m autistic but if I try to do anything that makes that evident or if I am confused and try to figure out what I did wrong by going back over what I did or interpreted based on what was going on, she yells at me and calls it “giving excuses” or passive aggressively saying “you aren’t THAT autistic, stop *regressing* into *that* kind of autism it’s lazy and I know you can be *better* than that!”
It’s exhausting and I barely talk to her anymore for a reason.
NTs often cannot fathom genuine neurodivergence. She literally may not understand that your brain is wired differently and that what she might assume is an easily understood vaguely socialized instruction will be interpreted literally and precisely, and that social cues that she thinks are obvious can be invisible. It sucks, but the best thing you can do is have a hard conversation about this issue.
@@turnopsverdsen9578 fair, it’s just not exactly the best when she has this weird arbitrary double standard where if my brother gets burned out it’s fine but if I’m visually doing the same thing (on my computer for long periods of time) I get yelled at. I think it’s because I’m usually writing, though. Or managing the people in our online freelance/indie work group so we all don’t get burned out on group work and we meet deadlines.
She might just see me typing for an entire day and be getting annoyed because I don’t have a published novel yet…? I dunno, me and that team I mentioned are basically just getting a few odds and ends finished and we’re ready to go with the trailer for our first animated pilot.
I'm sorry she treats you like that. That sounds really hurtful and I imagine it would leaving you feeling really unseen, invalidated and uncared about. You shouldn't have to work that hard to be treated with compassion and understanding. It's totally valid to not talk to a parent if they aren't being a loving, supportive person in your life. Yelling and denying your experience isn't okay.
I had to go no contact with my parents due to their abusive behavior and while difficult, it's been one of the most healing and helpful things I've ever done for myself. Not saying you need to do that necessarily, just saying that it's okay to set strong boundaries with parents for your own wellbeing. You probably wouldn't continue engaging with a friend or partner who treated you that way, so why should a parent get away with it? Someone being a relative doesn't mean they're subject to lower standards or that you owe them a relationship.
“Hurts my brain” - relate. My learning was so so different. Abstract was hard. Was such a kinesthetic learner. See one, do one teach one …..
I found out at age 71 that I am autistic. When the (autistic) psychologist asked me all these questions, I felt for the first time that I'm truly disabled because I simply can't do so many things. I was a successful physician nevertheless, but the toll was high. I had a severe burnout with 51 years that left me partly disabled for the rest of my work life.
Now I understand why I already felt so tired with 30 years of age. I never knew why I simply stopped function when I wanted do buy some clothing in a larger shop. How come I don't remember faces. I remembered people by the color of their top. If they took the top layer off, I wouldn't find them amongst other people. There are so many things that make sense now that didn't then.
How is it now? I'm much easier on myself and give myself a lot of grace. I feel alright now and no longer ashamed. I am still masking to a degree but I have a new job - being a Buddhist teacher. People don't expect much mimic responding from a Buddhist teacher which is so incredibly helpful. They probably put all my traits into the category of "of course is she different". That makes life much easier. Probably because I am autistic, I am also attracting many autistic students, which is fantastic. They make really fast progress on the path.
I told several people in my 20s and 30s that I thought I was autistic, including health care professionals, and was told that didn’t make any sense. Started hyper learning about neurodivergence at 42, now at 44 I am self realized AuDHD. I am male but am not “typical” autistic or ADHD and “fit in” well from a young age
I do take a small issue with saying that one's school years are "just temporary." As someone who hated school, I remember the sense of dread I had in 4th grade looking ahead to 7-8 more years of having no say in my own life. Not only are the school years a LONG time, but they are especially formative times in our lives. Having agency in our lives and a positive foundation in THOSE years is, I think the best preparation for whatever life may throw at us down the road.
I tip toed a lot. I was told to quit sneaking around. 😢
Yeeeeah I was told that my muscles in my legs were gonna grow wrong... Haha
Same. Ugh.
My parents and grandparents told me I tip toed a lot to. My Mom said she had too hold my heals down to the ground to get me to walk right.
My autistic dad still tiptoes, and compliments the grandkids any time he sees them tiptoe. He thinks everyone should be doing it.
I got very interested in ballet as a lifelong obsession when I was about 5. So no problems with my toe-walking! (Except when I left rosin smudges on the floors from my pointe shoes...)
Chris, this was an amazingly terrific explanation of the experience of high functioning people with autism. Thank you
1 in 36 is still less than 3%.
"I'll never fit in" and "I don't belong here" are not related to misdiagnosis. When a central characteristic of who you are as a person is at odds with the vast, vast majority of other humans they are an accurate assessment of your situation.
However if the "majority" were more accepting of "others", or any divergence from how things/people are "supposed to be", we'd all be better off.
Then a more "accurate assessment" of one's situation would be "I'm part of a whole", or "I fit, in my own way." May we all move in that direction.
@@rjparker2414well said.
@@rjparker2414the least accepting people these days are the ones preaching acceptance and invading communities to try to change them. I don’t need to be accepted by everyone, I need a space to be weird and left alone
Shall Sweet Baby Inc and their ilk find themselves homeless and denied even the breadlines. Shall their skin be eaten by mites.
Look up how medieval scribes protected their books of you don't get the above.
@@rjparker2414Honestly I am not sure If Its up to people to make we fit In.
When you study mamy body physics you see that when you have enought particles arround some things just happen, It's not up to any given electron.
In the same way I feel that things like social norms and te existance of the market are not up to anybody and a significant ammount of people may dislike them, but that they are a inevitable consequence of many humans existing and interacting.
I feel so happy I've found your channel. I was late diagnosed as well. I was diagnosed at the age of 34.
Even though I've got both neurological and psychological evaluations, some psychiatrists still discredit my dianosis. That hurts!
And I also feel sorry for them, 'cause (unmasked) I honestly believe they're ignorant to the topic. I mean, they only study about autism in children, not in adults and specially, not in women.
I'm a high-masking autistic. I work, talk, drive, I have a diploma and so many different extra courses that people just judge me for all of that. But, deep inside, I'm hiding my autistic traits to fit in, to survive and not be bullied (as I was before during childhood). I've been hiding it for my whole life and I've done it unconsciously. I believe that's why I study so many different topics, my special interests and more, so I can compensate for my lack of ability related to social interaction.
I got my late diagnosis last December and now I feel I truly belong, and I needed that for my whole life.
Thank you so much for your videos and keep up with the great work.
I'm from Brazil and love watching your videos. I study hard 'cause I want to be approved in different Brazilian public exams. Here there are a couple of laws protecting disabled people in general, autistic people included.
Because I mask my autistic traits all the time, some doctors refuse detailing my characteristics for slots to disabled people in the exam, even though I've got a diagnosis. That's so infuriating!
And then, a copuple of doctors say: Even though it is saying in the document you're autistic, I'm not bound to give you the diagnosis you want, you're not that autistic, you're a mild one. When they say that, I almost get a major meltdown 'cause that's discrimination and illegal. An, I always control myself not to have a meltdown in public.
I always pray for better days to autistic people and for us to feel better about ourselves, accepting ourselves more and talking more about it, in order to diminish prejudice and discrimination. If we don't talk about it, people will continue to be ignorant.
I was diagnosed when I was pretty young and it didn't stop people from telling me the same things...
it doesn't actually make anyone more considerate... you just get to demand a few more things that you still have to fight to actually get.
I was diagnosed in my 30s. I had no idea at all that I'd spent my life masking, and I struggled with social interactions frequently, especially as a child/teenager. Today, I'm still figuring out what are my masking behaviors, and what is my genuine self. Fortunately, I have an amazing group of friends, many of whom are also on-spectrum, several of whom were also diagnosed late; their willingness to see the "real me" -- and, occasionally, to lovingly point out some of my autistic behaviors without criticism or negativity -- has gone a tremendous way for me to feel comfortable about myself. It's quite possibly the first time in my life I've felt this level of social acceptance and being an active and welcomed part of a community.
This one is on point! 🎯 Thanks for uploading this gem!
I love how you're able to explain so much and so well in such a succint manner, and with humor and great edition too. Amazing!
This is an excellent video, thank you for making it.
Thanks!
Stellar summary! I will be sharing this. This definitely earns my subscription.
Omg this is great and needs more attention :D
I was diagnosed with ADD in my childhood but undiagnosed but convinced to have autism (too). I could relate to almost everything :D
Whoa! Ok, this one blew my mind. I was being traumatically punished for some of the autistic behaviors you describe here. I'm still on the waiting list for my testing (sounds like end of September), but between the self harm and punishments for things I wasn't doing "right". I have a whole subset of things to bring up with my therapist that I never thought were even related to his suspicions I might be autistic. I get the "high functioning" label a lot with all my other mental health issues as well. I'm so happy I found this channel, I like the statistics you share as well as the explanations of things I thought I was just being "neurotic" about. I can't even play Yahtzee unless it's on a carpet or padding of some sort because shaking & throwing of dice is way too overstimulating and almost gives me a migraine (Like when cartoon characters slam some other character's heads between the musical cymbals type of bad)
Another thing I do is have a hard time talking to doctors because I can relate one thing to another, and I don't describe symptoms and pain like others do. They didn't know I was having oral allergy syndrome because I was trying to tell the doctor "It's like I'm getting a bunch of fiberglass insulation in my mouth!" and apparently that was the first time I realized other people don't mix together experiences like that to describe things to their doctors. I have a really hard time getting medical care to say the least, as well as mental heath care (but it's much easier with a therapist because they're more trained in finding things like this.)
I've got so many things going on mentally and physically, I have autoimmune disease, PTSD, treatment resistant major depressive disorder, and anxiety umbrella, I'm trans AFAB (which got me thinking when the gender differences were discussed here, made me really stop and think about that part as well!). I have the asthma/allergy/inflammation trifecta, and am disabled because of the aforementioned list. I talk in run-on sentences, ellipsis, and parenthesis as well lol 😅
Thank you for your videos, I'm starting to think my therapist is on the right track for screening me!
⚠Trigger warning ahead about my self harm ⚠
One of the biggies is I'm also on the list for TBI screening, because my mind NEVER has been quiet. So I would slam my head on the walls and floors until I passed out. (concussions?) It was the only way I could get any sleep when I was really little (around 5 or 6 is when I remember starting that little fun activity). My mom tried her best to hold pillows under my head to try to stop me, but I would just wait for her to leave the room and start right back up again. Life was way too much to handle with a busy head at that age along with all the other stuff happening to me back then. If you braved reading my story, thank you for your support just for reading it. 🫠
Thank you for these videos. I went through what i am just now realizing was a 2 year burnout which turned into agoraphobia. Quit my job and everything. Took a really good friend to see through the things i was hiding to gently push me back into society. Through this period i have been doing a lot of research and self exploration and come to this point where all these different little pieces of the puzzle are all fitting together. I'm utilizing your videos to share these things with my mom. I try to explain to her myself but i always end up so flustered and can't find the right words.
Oh man… I too battled burnout and agoraphobia (still working through them) so I know how challenging that is. Really happy to hear you have a good friend to help and support you. It takes a lot of courage to work through burnout and agoraphobia. You’re brave. Best of luck to you!!
@@ChrisandDebby I got super lucky in the fact that this friend is now my boss. Was always afraid of the boss as a friend scenario, but it has turned out great. He understands me on a level pretty much nobody else does and because of how our personalities are the professional relationship is great. He is able to see the things I truly struggle with and give compassion but also still calls me out when he knows it's something I should have done better.
Thank you for the bravery comment. It's still so hard to process it all. It's hard to switch from the mindset of beating myself up for being "lazy"
You guys are knocking these vids out of the park!
Neurotypicals: just be yourself
Neurodivergents: *unmasks*
Neurotypicals: no not like that
Dude for real.
Ive told people so many times "i dont think youd like me if i was" and people never seem to get it then when they finslly convince me i be myself snd *shocker* they dont like me
This is a feeling that everyone has had.
I'm always afraid to open up out of fear of being rejected or ignored, and then I end up being right. Being neurodivergent is not a fun experience. The worst part is the crippling loneliness. It's hard to connect with others when your brain is wired differently.
I have Sensory Processing Disorder, but I'm not ausitic, so i feel your pain
Hey! I LOVE your videos, thank you so much for sharing these videos because they are so so helpful and relatable! But the flashing during transitions is a little intense for me, could you please consider using a less flashy transition effect? Thank you!
I am 76. Many members of my family are just like me. The adults took pains to teach us how we had to act 'in public'. At school and jobs I have been toId I was weird all my life. In college, a professor asked me if I was autistic. I learned all I could, but the definition of autistic was different then. Still, I totally related to Dibs, in "Dibs in Search of Self". At 47, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I now have a young grand nephew who was diagnosed early with autism, and his mother has nowvalso been. When, at her request, I asked my personal physician if he thought I might be autistic, his reaction was to say 'no way' and proceed to tell me that I just cared too much and was a little controlling, and had anxiety, but, after all, I could talk and liked people. No way was I neurodivergent. My take home was that evidently I mask well enough that this man who has known me for 50 years doesn’t even remember that I have ADHD.
This video is highly informative and I really appreciate the effort you have taken to tackle this serious subject. In the future, I suggest using the terms "socialized as [gender]" or "assigned [gender] at birth". Using the terms male and female in this specific context can be inaccurate and misleading. There is no proof that it is a biological reason for the difference in manefestation of autistic traits, but instead a socialization difference.
Even then, in the future I strongly encourage using "assigned male/female at birth" in place of "male/female". This may seem to be a bit pedantic, but there is a much higher instance of autistic people being trans than the general population (approx 11% of the autistic population is trans or non-binary vs 1-2.5% of the general population).
This language is inclusive to everyone and more accurate. It also includes intersex individuals who do not necessarily fit into a strict male/female categorization. Human biology is messy and complex. Our sexual dimorphism is bimodal, not binary. This means people can have a mixture of repoductive organs that don't strictly match. An example is someone with a uterus but instead of ovaries they have undescended testies. People who are intersex make up approximately 1.7% of the population.
Thank you again for your continued advocacy and educational efforts.
Autistic human here. This is really good. We autistic humans just have different priorities and different way of being and reacting.
This resonates. I think the later in life diagnosis for males is challenging because we have to question if we are neurodivergent and challenge assumptions that we are not. This would explain a lot for me personally and you speak in a way that makes sense on every point.
I've only identified as autistic for 1 year, and only privately. I've always been very coy, sharing mysterious comments or poetry that hide how deep or strong my feelings really are. I know I do this because if I came out and said it plainly I would not be received the way I need to be. It's a way to release my feelings without being hurt in the process. It is very lonely, but much better than getting stabbed in my open wounds over and over. I can see how those hurting the most could also be the most secretive. People say, "you have to ask for help." I say, "why? So you can fail me again and deepen the hurt?" Sigh.
I also had the habit of using self deprecating humor, because again, better coming from myself than someone else. The crazy thing is most people enjoyed it. Thankfully I've mostly broken this habit now.
It's all self preservation.
It's interesting that you said you didn't know you where masking for 40 years. I didn't figure out I was autistic until i was 30, but I knew my whole life I was masking. The part that blew my mind was learning that there are people who didn't mask. 😅
Thank you for your feed. In trying to help a close friend with a young relative that we think might be autistic, but is emotionally intelligent. I went looking for inspirational role models to give the grown up ideas and hope. (You are probably close to what that young child will become). In the process, I started to recognized some traits and said to my friend that I might be high masking autistic. They said they thought they might be too. I got the formal result last week. Yep. High masking, not just with non-autistic but also with autistic.
Literally life survival stuff as a child. It was my autism that enabled me to find ways to avoid or reduce the perpetrator's violence and not go insane not having "normal" relationships.
My thoughts in the last few days is that masking autism is a survival skill. Many of those people who survived house of horrors from before they were verbal are probably on the autistic spectrum. They don't melt down and exacerbate the perpetrator(s) as much or as often. Thus is it is a superpower.
My other thoughts in the last few days is that we are probably the souls that can advice and give solutions for getting stalking sociopathy under control. They don't want to be under control - they like intimidating and hurting others. Sociopaths are also very good at contriving systems so things are "unspeakable" e.g. pedophile rings in religious/community organizations, human trafficking, cults/gangs/mobster/organized crime. One game the sociopaths do is make souls "not credible" - traumatize people so they act out, are erratic, escape into addictions, suicide, clinical depression... They rely on marginalizing and discrediting the souls they attack, and those that would defend or advocate. Firstly to rescue current victims, but secondly to stop the predation happening in the first place.
Autistic spectrum individuals often do not just look at the symptoms. They look at the root cause. If someone keeps getting an allergic reaction, they find the allergen and eliminate it from the environment... Sociopaths would not want to be outed as an allergen, so they set up a culture to not get outed.
Excellent video, I liked it very much. It so sad thinking about all of those experiences in school and how they can be avoided if people try to have a little more patience and compassion towards people instead of going directly to judge yo just because you do things a little different. I am thankful though that I have been able to find a workplace where people accept me, mask or not, and where I can feel like I belong despite any differences. I really hope that in the future more people will get to know more about autism so that more people will get to know the feeling 🙂
I appreciate everything you say but it’s upsetting when people say girls with autism act differently because they’re girls. It’s from how people who are seen as girls are trained to act by society. They are given different rules than people seen as boys. I’d just like to hear more trans inclusive language. I show the “girl” symptoms of autism because I was seen by society as a girl. Not because I “am” one. I’m a trans man and it’s just upsetting when I feel trans people are pushed to the side. Especially when autistic people are more likely to come out as trans than the general public. Love the channel but would also love some growth in trans acceptance.
Ya you hit all the right points. You have to do it this way, knowing the answer but not knowing how to explain it etc… etc… and sometimes it’s those closest to you that do the damage. I have always had problems with making friends. Not only that but getting dates also . Disabled people need love too. I would argue that disabled people need more or have a greater capacity for love.
Probably the two greatest moments in my life were when my Dad said he was proud of me and when he saw some of my model kits I built as an adult and he said they looked amazing and I should display them for all to see
I can relate. I'm not diagnosed, but I do recognize some of the traits in my way of thought and behaviour.
Yes, I'm masking, and yes, I'm recognizing the stress that comes with it.
WAIT! You mentioned the communications differences only came out in the 60s. YES THANK YOU!!! 💥💥💥 That was when it was first suggested that I “had Asperger’s.” I’ve been trying to explain this to our community for a few years now. So many younger AuDHDers have read much research but not known that there were clinicians, psychiatrists, and psychologists in those days trying to teach these things to the mainstream! PS I began to mask in those days (after age 11) in order to NOT be shoved by “professionals” onto the short bus… masking has its’ hell ish qualities! THANK YOU again for noting that, and the whole video!
I'm still on a journey to get an official diagnosis so it's all pretty fresh and I feel like I started to unmask only recently after learning about all that. I used to mask a bit even when I was alone because I was telling myself that I'm weird and I need to behave "normally". Now that I know a lot about this topic I allow myself to do whatever I feel like when I can and honestly it's been so liberating!
College was such a godsend for me. K-12 was pretty awful, so I expected college to be awful. But having the teacher be someone who loved the subject matter so much they went to school for an extra 6+ years and also made researching that subject and then teaching it their job was so engaging. It was the closest thing to engaging in someone else's special interest I had ever come to by that point in my life. I miss the enthusiasm of that environment...
This explains so much about why my Aspie loved one is a totally different person in public: masking vs. not
“It is statistically impossible for you to not know someone who is autistic”
Well of course I know him, he’s me
"This is the right way to do it" when they're are so many different ways to do something hit hard. For me it is the Dishwasher. It became such a thing that I couldn't even learn my Partner's method. The ADHD doesn't help with this, obviously, but ALL of the rules become jumbled and I can't remember which way the spoons are supposed to go in, if I can put glass next to each other, or any of a number of rules I've been told the complete opposite thing for.
People (including my children) have teased me my whole life about walking on my toes 😊
I'm 58 & just got diagnosed.
Fantastic video! Will be sharing!
I am a guest service representative ( desk clerk) and have hid it by overly "acting"
I can't help the emotionally loud conversations with those close to me. But no one suspects Autism and I like to keep it that way. And I'm over 50. I hate confrontation, sometimes passive aggressive me comes out, other Times its condescending me shows its face, and then Patronizing me cheeks in there. The juggling is sometimes overwhelming, but I get through. I've made it through with no pills. I have used THC a lot. May not be for everyone. Makes some paranoid.
Get those toxic people out of your life A.S.A.P. that Gaslight and belittle your "problem" Its hard for an Autistic person to remove themselves from narcissistic people, but you must.
Your videos are the best!!! Thank you!
My doctor told me that there is no doubt that I am on the spectrum but that I hide it very, very well. No, I'm not formally diagnosed, but I have a history of being placed in special ed and put on medication. Back in the 1960's it simply wasn't acceptable to be different. You learned to adapt--or you were removed from society and institutionalized.