“Others need to feel your confrontation so they don’t feel abandoned. It is the appropriate and right thing to do.” Those words just changed my life! Thank you 💞
I'm a sx 9w8... the ennegram has helped me realize how angry I am. Everything you said is so true. In the past I would pull away instead of confront people. Now, I let all the anger out. I now tell myself that "the fear of losing myself is scarier than losing the person I'm confronting" Also, if I don't confront them I'll lose them by default. So my fear of loss ends up happening anyway. I think 9s are afraid of saying "I need something" bc we assume it might be too demanding on the other person and they will leave us. It is a weird way of having abandonment issues. I am afraid that you will abandon me so I will abandon myself first. Thanks again
Love this explanation Emily. I’m going to be working on an enneagram and Anger episode in the near future and this is great stuff for 9’s. Don’t be surprised if you hear familiar words down the road in a future episode 😉 I’m stealing some of this Drew
My take on not completing the things I say I'm going to do, is it's more comfortable to merge with other people. I make goals and time to do them, but if someone asks me to do something else, that "feels" better to be with them. 90% of the time I will do what my enneagram 1 husband wants to do, then he'll get annoyed at me later for not doing my stuff. In my mind, him asking me to do something else, is permission to be neglectful to my things. It's a huge cycle that I struggle to break all the time. If I tell him "no, I need to get this done", then it feels so uncomfortable, I can shutdown and still not do what I am supposed to do. I'm just so thankful for the enneagram. At first I discovered it, because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband. 🤣😂
I am a transmitting nine. I love spending time alone, at peace at home but when I get attached to someone I literally think about the person almost all day 😅 I prefer to adapt to avoid embarrassment and unnecessary conflict.
Thank you for this video. I recognize myself as a sexual nine. What i've heard from you here makes me feel more comfortable on my path of being present in my life. Thank you once again:)
No doubt! you're welcome. So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks again Drew
i wonder if you’re Drew’s 9 friend….hehehe in deed he puts up/out good solid and helpful videos. so…thank you Drew. ;) i mean it. cheers from Portugal (from a fellow type 4 (albeit w5) )
@@duartepereira7255 ha! Andrew is not my 9 friend but a great supporter of the work, we’ve chatted through email and I enjoy his spirit. And I think he’s a pretty raving 4. On that note, posting two more videos for 4’s in the next two or three days. I was in Italy and now in Switzerland today, but wish I had Portugal in the mix too 😂 Thanks for the kind words Ironically, my best friend who I mention in my 9 videos is in fact, also named Andrew 🤦♂️
@@drewnewkirk hehehe Next time, you come to Europe, make sure you stop over here. I'd be honoured to showing you a couple of places. It's true, that i enjoy your videos. I've known the Enneagram for a long time..but only recently, I've been diving into it, properly. Your videos are well thought out, personal, and pretty interesting. Keep it up , man. How's that idea you talk about in some of them, of eventually conjuring up a community gathering, or a meeting, of some kind ? Enjoy your travelling. Never been to Switzerland..but Italy is brilliant ;) Cheers Thanks
@@duartepereira7255 I’m actually looking in to Tuscany for a retreat spot for enneagram folks. But, of course, I’m still playing things out. I definitely want to get to Portugal soon. It is such a beautiful country Keep going at it Drew
Just finished watching all three subtypes. I am really confused around which one is the most dominating. I have merged before, but not so much now. I do have a lot of feelings. Anger is the most difficult for me. I can feel pain and sorrow and cry in front of others. But anger was not a feeling that was welcome when I grew up, even though I was a child with a big temper. I ask my boyfriend if he thought that I was confrontational, and he said sometimes with him. I think maybe I am a 9w8, and I have to begin and love that I do love peace so much, but that I also love intensity and I do long for doing some more creative work, it is just so difficult for me to start.
A child with a big temper does not sound like a 9. Nine children (even 9w8) are usually placid and quiet and rather shy. 9w8 gets very angry but only for like minutes when someone else is mistreated.
I’ve been so behind on responding to TH-cam messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. Thanks for watching and I’m excited for you to continue to do the work. Every day is just the beginning again in a way. If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
I agree with most of your video, but I have to say, I've been in many fights in my younger days, and my rage is well known and quite terrifying to others who appear to be displaced when I go Hulk. Everything else appear to be on point, but there are sexual 9s who explode. It just takes a while.
I’ve seen it my friend. I mean, you got 8’s on one side and uptight 1’s on the other. While you mediate them you also are them 😳 It’s why I think the video people ask for most for me to do is 9w8’s. I think for this reason I see you and am taking note. It’s on my mind Thanks for calling this to the forefront, you are not alone Drew
9w8 is extremely rare. Like 5w6. I dare say that someone who has been into many fights is not a 9w8. 9w8s explode when someone else is mistreated. They still do not stand up for themselves and are not present to themselves but they have strong protective instincts for the underdog. They can fight for others in short bursts before collapsing because fighting is not a 9 thing. And when their comfort is at stake.
It’s all in the unconscious motivation To have harmony and peace at all costs Or To befriend and care for people to get love But 9’s and 2’s so often get confused I’m glad you may be closer to nailing it down
That is a good question. It is really really difficult for me have a conflict most of the time or when people seem to not like me. When I have a conflict at work, then I am not in peace with myself and I ruminate a lot and often have trouble falling asleep. I love meditation and yoga to get in touch with myself and accepting my anger, disappointment etc. I am okay to handle conflict in love relationships, but not at work or with friends. But I want to learn that conflict mostly is a good thing and a sign of meeting the other person. I do not expect you to answer my long text here, hehe Thanks for some good informative videos😊
Interesting As a 67 yo male just finished a 6 mo relationship after 12 years of being single Not recognizing my issues drove me crazy and didn’t help navigate the two of us forward Seems like an unclimbable mountain
I think you have it in you Reggie! I got some good ole faith in ya. So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks again Drew
20:24 - yeeeah, that's a good point. It probably would have been good to have seen this before I replied to your comment as I totally forgot about that; for some reason I totally missed that you did the Nines when going through your channel. A lot of my anger would come after I had made attempts to withdrawal and keep the atmosphere all well and good and then when circumstances forced me to deal with something I'd be like 'fine! I did what I could, so now we'll have to do it another way!' So either a drought or excess. Glad to hear you and your friend are doing well. I have lost relationships over that very topic so that's awesome to hear. Great video.
Hmmm, I don’t think many people would find energy when they think they don’t matter. I think the mattering has to come before the energy. That’s what I would focus on.
Be aware of your anger and get moving physically. Feel the body and center. Best is dance and rock climbing. Not group or one on one sports and no sports where you can switch of. Something that forces you to focus on your movements. It can feel utterly lonely for a 9 to focus on themselves as connection is what they are all about. And therapists don’t help because the only thing that happens is merging - again. Self expression is key.
Something that really helped me to choose between sp4 and sx9 was to ask myself why I behaved the way I did in certain situations that got me into trouble. For example, if I neglected a certain chore, why did I? Did I neglect it because I got overwhelmed and subconsciously felt that I was somehow above such mundane work (sp4). Or else, did I neglect the chore because completing the chore might mean bothering somebody else and therefore bring me into conflict with important others in my life and lead to seperation (sx9)? Does it feel more like death to engage in a conflict that could lead to seperation from an important person in your life (sx9), or does it feel more like death to abdicate your individuality and swallow false accusations in order to find peace with that important other (sp4)? I hope that helps. Good luck!
How have you Drew responded to your friend when he confronts you?? Probably defensive considering you are in the shame triad. It’s your anger not the absence of a 9s anger that seems to be a bigger issue for me (sexual 9).
I don’t”t matter. The other one matters more. If I protect the other (9w8) I am safe. I am forgotten and my issues don’t matter. Usually one or two extremely dominant and intolerant parents
9s are usually quite independent. Codependency is not really the right term. People pleasing also doesn’t cut it. Although it happens a lot to avoid any sort of conflict. More tuning into the other and give them what they expect and need so that harmony prevails.
“Others need to feel your confrontation so they don’t feel abandoned. It is the appropriate and right thing to do.” Those words just changed my life! Thank you 💞
That’s awesome. Yeah, ruffle some feathers and honor people with honesty
1w9 in the room
That made so much sense to me in regards to my relationships with 9’s as a 4, and why I’ve not fully trusted the dynamic. Great post!
I'm a sx 9w8... the ennegram has helped me realize how angry I am. Everything you said is so true. In the past I would pull away instead of confront people. Now, I let all the anger out. I now tell myself that "the fear of losing myself is scarier than losing the person I'm confronting"
Also, if I don't confront them I'll lose them by default. So my fear of loss ends up happening anyway. I think 9s are afraid of saying "I need something" bc we assume it might be too demanding on the other person and they will leave us. It is a weird way of having abandonment issues. I am afraid that you will abandon me so I will abandon myself first.
Thanks again
Love this explanation Emily. I’m going to be working on an enneagram and Anger episode in the near future and this is great stuff for 9’s. Don’t be surprised if you hear familiar words down the road in a future episode 😉
I’m stealing some of this
Drew
@@drewnewkirk looking forward to it.
😊
I Really identified with this as i'm questioning whether i'm a 9 too atm, very interesting.
@@Monster-wf7bh keep exploring. It makes its home sooner or later. Appreciate you grappling with the content
Drew
Wow! You nailed it. Thank you
My take on not completing the things I say I'm going to do, is it's more comfortable to merge with other people. I make goals and time to do them, but if someone asks me to do something else, that "feels" better to be with them. 90% of the time I will do what my enneagram 1 husband wants to do, then he'll get annoyed at me later for not doing my stuff. In my mind, him asking me to do something else, is permission to be neglectful to my things. It's a huge cycle that I struggle to break all the time. If I tell him "no, I need to get this done", then it feels so uncomfortable, I can shutdown and still not do what I am supposed to do. I'm just so thankful for the enneagram. At first I discovered it, because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband. 🤣😂
Ha! You are highly aware, I love it…. Now to the leaning in to your 3 to get some work done 😉
I am a transmitting nine. I love spending time alone, at peace at home but when I get attached to someone I literally think about the person almost all day 😅 I prefer to adapt to avoid embarrassment and unnecessary conflict.
Ha! Totally makes sense. Keep working on you my friend and it will level out
Thank you for this video. I recognize myself as a sexual nine. What i've heard from you here makes me feel more comfortable on my path of being present in my life. Thank you once again:)
No doubt! you're welcome. So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks again
Drew
This Drew Newkirk guy seems to really know what he's talking about!
Ha! 🤦♂️
i wonder if you’re Drew’s 9 friend….hehehe
in deed he puts up/out good solid and helpful videos.
so…thank you Drew. ;)
i mean it.
cheers from Portugal
(from a fellow type 4 (albeit w5) )
@@duartepereira7255 ha! Andrew is not my 9 friend but a great supporter of the work, we’ve chatted through email and I enjoy his spirit. And I think he’s a pretty raving 4. On that note, posting two more videos for 4’s in the next two or three days. I was in Italy and now in Switzerland today, but wish I had Portugal in the mix too 😂
Thanks for the kind words
Ironically, my best friend who I mention in my 9 videos is in fact, also named Andrew 🤦♂️
@@drewnewkirk hehehe
Next time, you come to Europe, make sure you stop over here.
I'd be honoured to showing you a couple of places.
It's true, that i enjoy your videos.
I've known the Enneagram for a long time..but only recently, I've been diving into it, properly.
Your videos are well thought out, personal, and pretty interesting.
Keep it up , man.
How's that idea you talk about in some of them, of eventually conjuring up a community gathering, or a meeting, of some kind ?
Enjoy your travelling.
Never been to Switzerland..but Italy is brilliant ;)
Cheers
Thanks
@@duartepereira7255 I’m actually looking in to Tuscany for a retreat spot for enneagram folks. But, of course, I’m still playing things out. I definitely want to get to Portugal soon. It is such a beautiful country
Keep going at it
Drew
Just finished watching all three subtypes. I am really confused around which one is the most dominating. I have merged before, but not so much now. I do have a lot of feelings. Anger is the most difficult for me. I can feel pain and sorrow and cry in front of others. But anger was not a feeling that was welcome when I grew up, even though I was a child with a big temper. I ask my boyfriend if he thought that I was confrontational, and he said sometimes with him. I think maybe I am a 9w8, and I have to begin and love that I do love peace so much, but that I also love intensity and I do long for doing some more creative work, it is just so difficult for me to start.
The difficulty in deciding your subtypes breakdown might mean you’re getting healthier and healthier 😉
A child with a big temper does not sound like a 9. Nine children (even 9w8) are usually placid and quiet and rather shy. 9w8 gets very angry but only for like minutes when someone else is mistreated.
I am pretty sure now that I relate to 6 the most😁 The contradictory ways of the 6s structure feels very true to me.
Holy moly, Drew … crazy!!! that is truth but how to i practice this …?
That’s what I get paid the big bucks for 😂 To know is one thing, to practice and repeat another… I concede
Amazing I really needed this
So much work I need to do 😅
I’ve been so behind on responding to TH-cam messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
Thanks for watching and I’m excited for you to continue to do the work. Every day is just the beginning again in a way.
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
this is sooo accurate for sx9s! im also a sx4 and i agree with u about how we see them
🤝
I agree with most of your video, but I have to say, I've been in many fights in my younger days, and my rage is well known and quite terrifying to others who appear to be displaced when I go Hulk. Everything else appear to be on point, but there are sexual 9s who explode. It just takes a while.
I’ve seen it my friend. I mean, you got 8’s on one side and uptight 1’s on the other. While you mediate them you also are them 😳 It’s why I think the video people ask for most for me to do is 9w8’s. I think for this reason
I see you and am taking note. It’s on my mind
Thanks for calling this to the forefront, you are not alone
Drew
9w8 is extremely rare. Like 5w6. I dare say that someone who has been into many fights is not a 9w8. 9w8s explode when someone else is mistreated. They still do not stand up for themselves and are not present to themselves but they have strong protective instincts for the underdog. They can fight for others in short bursts before collapsing because fighting is not a 9 thing. And when their comfort is at stake.
Very very Well described ❤
Thank you my friend 🙏🏼
I thought I was a type 2 SX, but I relate a lot more to what you say about the type 9 SX.
It’s all in the unconscious motivation
To have harmony and peace at all costs
Or
To befriend and care for people to get love
But 9’s and 2’s so often get confused
I’m glad you may be closer to nailing it down
That is a good question. It is really really difficult for me have a conflict most of the time or when people seem to not like me. When I have a conflict at work, then I am not in peace with myself and I ruminate a lot and often have trouble falling asleep. I love meditation and yoga to get in touch with myself and accepting my anger, disappointment etc. I am okay to handle conflict in love relationships, but not at work or with friends. But I want to learn that conflict mostly is a good thing and a sign of meeting the other person.
I do not expect you to answer my long text here, hehe
Thanks for some good informative videos😊
@@KathrineMarie4 no problem! Keep up the good processing
Hopefully my next video which will be on anger will help a bit
Drew
Thank you for making me understand my dad
No problem... happy to help
Interesting
As a 67 yo male just finished a 6 mo relationship after 12 years of being single
Not recognizing my issues drove me crazy and didn’t help navigate the two of us forward
Seems like an unclimbable mountain
I think you have it in you Reggie! I got some good ole faith in ya.
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks again
Drew
20:24 - yeeeah, that's a good point. It probably would have been good to have seen this before I replied to your comment as I totally forgot about that; for some reason I totally missed that you did the Nines when going through your channel. A lot of my anger would come after I had made attempts to withdrawal and keep the atmosphere all well and good and then when circumstances forced me to deal with something I'd be like 'fine! I did what I could, so now we'll have to do it another way!' So either a drought or excess.
Glad to hear you and your friend are doing well. I have lost relationships over that very topic so that's awesome to hear. Great video.
They were ugly internal battles for me for sure
How can I find energy for myself when myself doesn’t matter?
But you do :)
Hmmm, I don’t think many people would find energy when they think they don’t matter. I think the mattering has to come before the energy. That’s what I would focus on.
Be aware of your anger and get moving physically. Feel the body and center. Best is dance and rock climbing. Not group or one on one sports and no sports where you can switch of. Something that forces you to focus on your movements. It can feel utterly lonely for a 9 to focus on themselves as connection is what they are all about. And therapists don’t help because the only thing that happens is merging - again. Self expression is key.
Wow! @14:40 such a great warning! It hits so hard I think I may be sx9. The other one I may be is sp4. Is sp4 not as likely to merge when in love??
Something that really helped me to choose between sp4 and sx9 was to ask myself why I behaved the way I did in certain situations that got me into trouble.
For example, if I neglected a certain chore, why did I? Did I neglect it because I got overwhelmed and subconsciously felt that I was somehow above such mundane work (sp4). Or else, did I neglect the chore because completing the chore might mean bothering somebody else and therefore bring me into conflict with important others in my life and lead to seperation (sx9)?
Does it feel more like death to engage in a conflict that could lead to seperation from an important person in your life (sx9), or does it feel more like death to abdicate your individuality and swallow false accusations in order to find peace with that important other (sp4)?
I hope that helps. Good luck!
But what happens when the other person says see ya
How have you Drew responded to your friend when he confronts you?? Probably defensive considering you are in the shame triad. It’s your anger not the absence of a 9s anger that seems to be a bigger issue for me (sexual 9).
Personally, when I don’t know someone or their level of health or dysfunction I try to not presume how they would respond. But, that’s just me.
Why nines want to be one with their partner? What happened in their childhood?
I don’t”t matter. The other one matters more. If I protect the other (9w8) I am safe. I am forgotten and my issues don’t matter. Usually one or two extremely dominant and intolerant parents
What would you say is a difference between SX9 and SX7?
I’m literally working on the SX 7’s right now in my local cafe. Stay tuned
Great video
The title of this video can be changed to: CODEPENDENCY
9s are usually quite independent. Codependency is not really the right term. People pleasing also doesn’t cut it. Although it happens a lot to avoid any sort of conflict. More tuning into the other and give them what they expect and need so that harmony prevails.
@@coconutandcardamom2897 yes 💯 you describe it perfectly. It’s not codependency.