12/7/23: Childhood Pain, Old Patterns, Escapist Behavior, Thorn In The Flesh - IT’S ALL GOOD! :)

Hello again friends :).
We meet again though I’m writing this now on 12/7. Haha I much prefer to write on a computer than the phone, however I generally don’t bring my computer when I’m living in other places and so I’m pre-writing this while I have the comp.
I recorded this video the same time I recorded the previous one, also on 12/7. After sharing a bit about the fun, fluid way the last seven months have flown, in this video I share about some of the challenges I've been experiencing. Namely about the continued journey of healing and integrating from past traumatic experiences in childhood, and the continued deconstruction and integration of the old defence mechanisms young Samuel created to try to handle those uncomfortable experiences and emotions.
I share more about how, though my sexuality in general has evolved greatly over the years, I do still currently experience periods of sexual escapism, mainly online in chat rooms etc. Escaping into the world of sexual fantasy and exploration was one of the early defence mechanisms I learned and unconsciously reinforced as a child sometimes feeling overwhelmed and hopeless about different things in life. Naturally, though unbeknownst to me for many years, this pattern not only didn’t face and heal the trauma experienced in those years, it also deeply ingrained this sort of avoidant sexual activity as a go-to for when I feel certain types of emotions such as hopelessness, helplessness, heavy gloom, feeling inadequate and worthless and when I'm in certain environments such as my childhood home.
I share more about some of the tools and insights I've gained over these years which continue to assist me in moving beyond these old patterns and experiences.
Haha writing this it feels a bit heavy lol. It's not :). We all have our strengths and gifts and blessings, and we all have, as the Apostle Paul used to say, our "thorn in the flesh". Our unique challenges - the burden that we seem to have such a hard time in setting down, the lesson that we seem to have such a hard time in learning and moving beyond.
C’est la vie, such is life :). It’s not a big deal, it’s a natural part of life and I have found that the more I can let go of all the awfulizing and drama story creating about how it’s sooo baddd and soooo hopelesss and how I’m suchhhh a failureeeee - the more that I let that go and just accept it as an area of weakness that currently exists, which I can Love just the same as I Love the rest of myself, then it becomes a lot lighter and more and more goes away on it’s own.
I send you my Love and compassion and strength and inspiration and lightness for whatever thorn in the flesh you and your loved ones are working with. May you overflow with grace and compassion and Love for yourself.
May You Be Happy my friends :)
Peace
Peace
Peace
Samuel

[@jennyquenard5110]

Thank you for your open shares and life reflections. Love and light

[@lovinglife5658]

Love to you friend and Lady :)