"Never met a shorty that wana make music wid me so I had to post ts" This shit touched me on a personal level, on a real note learn to spell. Walter's better at it than you
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside.
DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear)
SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him.
OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.
SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.
FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.
INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.
DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.
MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her.
FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.
SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something.
GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!
FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...
MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union....
FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about?
DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?
SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap!
SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me...
Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess?
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.
DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess?
FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.
DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -
FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.
DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."
DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry)
DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?
FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.
TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.
SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent.
SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)
DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again.
SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him!
GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.
DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)
FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.
FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull)
SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help.
FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about...
SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood?
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead.
SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.
SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.
SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.
DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.
FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -
FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse)
FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.
DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - -
SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off)
DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.
SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing?
DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.
SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away)
DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him!
MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer)
CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?
CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him.
WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek.
HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet)
FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.
SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.
FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet.
DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.
SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes)
FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!
WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!
FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh)
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.
INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -
SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love?
SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.)
FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles)
FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them.
SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?
FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!
FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife...
SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.
DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...
HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.
DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good.
SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.
DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.
SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.
DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins)
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down)
DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.)
SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly.
SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description.
DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.
DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?
FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan)
DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?
SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!
SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.
DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!
SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)
DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)
DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)
DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!
SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)
DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)
DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off)
EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.
FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.
FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.
SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.
SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.
SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - -
DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.
ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...
DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire.
SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor.
DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.
FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?
SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway.
FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.)
FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.
SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room)
DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.
MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep.
DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.
SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off)
LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.
ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast.
SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own!
ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away.
FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender)
SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off)
SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey.
"Never met a shorty that wana make music wid me so I had to post ts" This shit touched me on a personal level, on a real note learn to spell. Walter's better at it than you
Preciate you Gus
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.
BIG BAD WOLF
What?
OUTSIDE
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
hand.
SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking.
FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock.
FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.
INSIDE
FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.
DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.
DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.
MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
her.
FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.
SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything,
Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA
You heard what I said?
SHREK
Every word.
FIONA
I thought you'd understand.
SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.
SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
him in shock. He looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Princess, I've brought you
a little something.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?
MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!
FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...
MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD
I'll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DULOC - CHURCH
Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union....
FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?
DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"
SHREK
I don't have time for this!
DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
You wanna hold her?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Please her?
SHREK
Yes!
DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!
SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?
DONKEY
We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH
As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...
Outside
SHREK
What do you see?
DONKEY
The whole town's in there.
Inside
PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside
DONKEY
They're at the altar.
Inside
PRIEST
...king and queen.
Outside
DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!
He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
TIME LAPSE
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess?
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
out.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
Oh, no!
DONKEY
No, help!
FIONA
Shh!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
It's me, in this body.
DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
Shh.
DONKEY
Shrek!
FIONA
This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
down.
DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -
FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.
DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.
FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."
DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.
FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
to cry)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?
FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
lot in common.
FIONA
Shrek?
TIME LAPSE
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)
DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.
SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
DULOC - KITCHEN
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)
FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!
FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.
FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)
SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK
No, it's tender.
FIONA
Now, hold on.
SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.
FIONA
Don't move.
SHREK
Look, time out.
FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE
Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK
(os) Ow!
DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH
SHREK
Ow! Not good.
FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...
SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY
Ahem.
SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL
SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
you.
FIONA
That's DuLoc?
DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.
FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
about Donkey.
SHREK
What?
FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
so good.
DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.
SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA
I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.
SHREK
Written by
William Steig & Ted Elliott
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.
DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.
SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
and set down in front of her. He comes
to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
not like it has feelings.
FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?
FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
make - -
FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
on the back of his horse)
FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
them go.
DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.
SHREK
Yeah? So what?
DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -
SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?
DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking donkeys!
DONKEY
But I thought - -
SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)
DONKEY
Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
outside to investigate.
SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
with what he's doing.) What are you
doing?
DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.
SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
SHREK
Back off!
DONKEY
No, you back off.
SHREK
This is my swamp!
DONKEY
Our swamp.
SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY
You let go.
SHREK
Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY
Smelly ogre.
SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)
DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.
SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!
SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK
Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA
What is so funny?
SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.
FIONA
Just take off the helmet.
SHREK
I'm not going to.
FIONA
Take it off.
SHREK
No!
FIONA
Now!
SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)
FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
an ogre.
SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
wants to marry you.
FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there.
FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
pet.
DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.
SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)
FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.
FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!
WOODS
A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.
DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!
FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?
SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.
INSIDE CHURCH
SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA
Shrek?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
of all. Very clean.
FIONA
What are you doing here?
SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -
SHREK
But you can't marry him.
FIONA
And why not?
SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK
He's not your true love.
FIONA
And what do you know about true love?
SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!
FIONA
Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
smiles)
FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
them.
SHREK
No, no!
FIONA
Shrek!
FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?
FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK
No!
FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
FIONA
No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
SHREK
Fiona!
FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?
The congregation cheers.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?
SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.
FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.
SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK
Hey! Over here.
DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.
SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.
FIONA
(os) I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.
DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.
SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.
DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for.
DONKEY
I know you're making this up.
SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.
DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.
SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK
Our swamp?
DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
the princess.
SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK
No, do ya think?
DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?
SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?
SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.
DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY
Why are you blocking?
SHREK
I'm not blocking.
DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?
SHREK
Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)
DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?
"You don't belong to the streets" is a crazy bar 🔥song tho
Bro PLEASE quit riding so hard
DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY
Sorry about that.
DONKEY
Hi, Princess!
FIONA
It talks!
SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.
SHREK
Oh!
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK
(echoing) Run!
They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK
Uh, no.
FIONA
Why not?
SHREK
I have helmet hair.
FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.
SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA
But how will you kiss me?
SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
job description.
DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A princess locked in a
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.
DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
love?
FIONA
Well, yes.
Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?
SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!
SHREK
But you're already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.
DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
DONKEY
Don't do that!
SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But...
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.
SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
SUNSET
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats.
FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?
SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.
SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.
FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that.
They smiles at each other.
SHREK
Um, Princess?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.
SHREK
What?
DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?
FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.
Shrek sighs
FIONA
Good night.
SHREK
Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.
SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
an animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.
SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Farquaad.
DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.
SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -
DONKEY
An ogre?
SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.
ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...
DONKEY
(os) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?
FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK
I don't think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)
FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.
SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA
What kind of knight are you?
SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)
DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.
DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.
SHREK
Yeah, I know.
DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.
DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
Fiona puts the door back.
SHREK
That's the moon.
DONKEY
Oh, okay.
DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.
MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
in his sleep.
DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.
SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY
Huh? What?
SHREK
Wake up.
DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?
DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK
What's all this about?
FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.
SHREK
Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)
LATER
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY
Shrek!
SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a princess.
Fiona belches
FIONA
Thanks.
DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.
FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.
ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
SHREK
Princess!
FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
disgust)...beast.
SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own!
ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?
FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
needy.
MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...
ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN
That's bad.
ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA
Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Fiona begins walking away.
FIONA
Uh, shall we?
SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?
FIONA
What?
SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)
FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.
DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA
Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)
SHREK
What are the flowers for?
FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Donkey.
SHREK
Ah.