I love the perspective that we feel mom guilt not because of the things we are doing or letting our kids do, but because of the priorities that we are NOT prioritizing. So if we prioritize what is truly important to us, it’s okay when those extra things happen that aren’t inherently wrong, but just sometimes keep us from the priorities. That helps my mindset so much, thank you!!
Yes, mom guilt is so a thing! My husband doesn't feel guilt about any of the things I do. He's so cool. He'll be like, "Babe, I picked a good momma for my kids and all the things that are bothering you now will most likely not be a big deal in by the time they're 18. So don't beat yourself up, you have one of the hardest jobs in the world. Raising the next generation."
Working mom here with a stay-at home dad husband. Mom guilt is still overwhelming!!! I don't feel guilty for working because it's obviously necessary. But everything else: whether we're doing the "right" thing for feeding, sleep, screen time, etc.... Sometimes that even gets in the way of the real question: what's best for my family overall? My baby hates baby led weaning, nurses to sleep, and she is perfectly happy and healthy. But definitely social media and getting overwhelmed by health recommendations doesn't help. I think it's helpful to think about the why - okay, no screen time is recommended before age 2, but that doesn't mean my baby is harmed if my husband and I play a video game while she plays independently. If I focus on what's best for the family, then great - we are relaxing and she is developing motor skills and independence. Edit: And my husband feels ZERO guilt. He just takes great care of our baby and doesn't stress about optimizing everything. I wish I knew the secret.
I don't even know why people would criticize nursing to sleep. That is a totally normal, primal thing to do. My first did that as a toddler and never had any theeth issues nor regulation issues. My second is a baby and of course gets nursed to sleep. Nursing is like a superpower during the baby and toddler years. So often 'advice' around babies is so removed from our human nature and just stresses moms out.
My husband and I are pretty 50/50 but different tasks. He works full time but I'm in law school as well. I'm kind of Type A, he's kind of Type B, and I feel like we help each other that way. He does a lot with our son and, sometimes it's not exactly the way I would do it or he forgets stuff that I feel like is basic but I've had to learn to let go a little and not be high-strung with stuff that isn't really putting him in danger because I really don't have the capacity. In my honest opinion, I think a lot of the moms who have a ton of guilt are holding themselves to a super high standard because they can. At the very beginning of law school we were taught that the workload will take as much of your time as you let it. If you try to annotate every case and read supplements and do everything perfectly, you'll burn yourself out in about 2 seconds. I feel like parenting is similar. If you're a Type A person and you're a SAHM, you're going to fill that extra headspace with all these things you "should" be doing. I think dads don't feel the guilt as much because there's a really low standard for being a "good" dad and other dads don't judge each other the way other moms do.
I love this video, it just speaks to where I am in life rn (SAHM with first kid)! Totally underestimated how isolated I would become as an introvert. It became a cycle of not doing active things because I didn’t have energy and feeling guilt that I wasn’t doing activities with her.
I feel less relaxed as a mom now that I have two. I get so enraged so frequently with two. I go from 0 to 100 in an instant of someone whining too much or pulling on my shirt too much. I'm in a season of feeling like the worst mom and fearing what my children think of me or how they will grow up to be because of my outbursts. They are only 2 years and 9 months. It has been such a cluster and struggle. I really feel like I'm failing everyone in my family. And I want more kids but don't understand why I can't handle even two of them.
Omg because 2 and 9 months is A LOT!!! I couldn’t handle more kids at those ages! Give yourself some time and grace for more kids when the little one gets bigger you’ll probably feel ready if that’s what you want. Hunt gather parent, and good inside will change everything for you. And honestly my guide, you’re exactly who I want to help/work with. Hang in there girl, you’re doing something that’s very hard
Five years in… I have built our routine around what I want my kids to have each day. I have a visual check list for them to homeschool, go outside, and read/be read to before they’re allowed to watch tv or whatever is extra. Because we have to check off the list, the extra doesn’t happen until about quiet time which is perfect. I am expecting #3 though in Dec and am kind of nervous how postpartum and a new baby will change how I feel about all of it!
Such good advice! Thank you so much. Sometimes as mom we beat ourselves up for things that are very "trivial". It's great to keep your priorities straight and focus on those and know that not everyday is going to be a successful day and that's ok
2:08 Sorry for so many comments back to back. Married lesbian here to speak on mom guilt. lol! I am a stay at home mom/homemaker. My wife works full time. We both spend tons of time with our daughter, but I am the primary caregiver. My wife & I had the same conversation. She said she misses us a lot, but doesn’t usually feel guilty for going to work because she knows our daughter is with me. She doesn’t feel guilty for too much TV time, not going outside enough, etc… I was like: “That’s fascinating! I cannot imagine! That sounds so beautiful & liberating!” I feel bad if we weren’t outside much, had take out ‘too many times’, if I prioritized cleaning the house for a day, etc….
Video request 🤗 you’ve recommended so many amazing books in different videos. Would you consider making a whole designated video going through your top 5-10 “must reads” for pregnancy and parenting? I’m getting a bit lost and overwhelmed and the sheer volume of books and podcasts available to me!
Yes I can totally relate! I think it shows how much we love our kids, we want them to have it all and can’t always give it to them! Other ideas for videos (unless you already made them): Did your kids show a behavioral or sleep regression when you brought baby home? How is it going? (Currently have a 2 year old and 1 month old so I’m in it!) Easy snack ideas for toddlers (realistic, no need to be fancy!) also, how do you feed your toddler? Do you let them feed themselves even when it’s super messy? Do you make separate meals for them? (I’m a super clean freak so it’s hard for me to let my toddler to just go to town, knowing most of it will end up on the ground) Have you considered homeschooling? What pros and cons were on your mind when considering?
Yes they totally had/ have behavioral and sleep changes (though my sleep coach friend said this is typical of two year olds and it usually coincides with a new sibling. I’ve found this is personality. My first was a lot less interested, my second you can tell is upset getting the boot from being the baby. Looots of big feelings were supporting over here 🫶 Snacks, we do lots of fruit, salami, try to do nuts, smoothies, croissants with cheese or meat baked in them (so easy) Yes I think we’re going to homeschool. Pros: they don’t have to sit for 8 hrs and you can pace their learning to them Cons: work time for me, I think we’ll get a nanny
Can you make a video about moms that didn’t plan on being a housewife and it just turned out that way? And the adjustments you had to do to feel good about it ? Because I’m not bringing money in the household, I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job at home.
Loved this video, thanks for sharing! For comparison, my first daughter who’s two now, is so clingy to me and needs to cuddle at all times and I was that crazy first time who never wanted her to cry and did contact naps more times than not when she was little. So it sounds like that’s just the personality of your second baby. I’m 13 weeks pregnant with our little boy and I’m curious to see what his personality will be like. What a fun ride motherhood is. 🥰
Clingy baby is not because you let them cry!! We have super clingy baby/toddler and our families tell us it’s because we never let him cry. We all get judged no matter what we choose, so do what works for you! It’s probably just their little personalities.
That's interesting. I would not say I feel mom guilt. But I do often feel that I would like to be able to do more but that's the same for everything in my life, I just tend to want to juggle too many balls at once 😅 But I do not feel guilty about not managing to do it, I feel sorry about it. But I also have a to-do app where I enter all of the tasks I did today. This gives me perspective every evening on how much I was actually able to achieve and how unrealistic it would have been to try and fit in more.
Whoa. The last video i caught you were most likely not having a 3rd, and i see a tiny baby in your thumbnail lol... Time flies.. THEN i just realized that i DID see your video announcing #3... But still, time flies cause now there is a baby lol
I clothed my 1st baby from about 5 months on. I’m on the fence about doing cloth from birth with future kiddos. I do plan to still do cloth, but prob start at 2-3 months.
Hi! Here's our experience as a same sex couple. Yup! Mom guilt is real, at least for this mommy who navigates mom guilt all day every day. My partner and I truly do split the caregiving tasks 50/50, but I carried so... maybe? I think the guilt is more likely to impact those of us who are socialized into thinking we SHOULD be the primary caretaker. Just speculating. 😂
I was just googling gratitude journal and alike past night. Mom rage is fueling my mom guilt. It's been tough since the welcoming of my second and feeling like life is completely off control...
My second is a little over a year old and I felt like you describe after she was born. It was SO hard as a transition but it gets better ❤ sending love, you're doing amazing!
Do you know what Mum I feel guilty just thinking about getting a massage. My husband told me that I should organise care for the baby such as getting a nanny if I want to get him a massage or something hypothetically.. but we both know that’s never going to happen because I’m just guilty just thinking about it And it’s so surprising to me that he doesn’t even get it when I say that I feel guilty doing that for this . Like he just doesn’t get it.
2:08 Sorry for so many comments back to back. Married lesbian here to speak on mom guilt. lol! I am a stay at home mom/homemaker. My wife works full time. We both spend tons of time with our daughter, but I am the primary caregiver. My wife & I had the same conversation. She said she misses us a lot, but doesn’t usually feel guilty for going to work because she knows our daughter is with me. She doesn’t feel guilty for too much TV time, not going outside enough, etc… I was like: “That’s fascinating! I cannot imagine! That sounds so beautiful & liberating!” I feel bad if we weren’t outside much, had take out ‘too many times’, if I prioritized cleaning the house for a day, etc….
![ILLSLICK - THE KING'S LANDING [Freestyle]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/feIJJnNkTfk/mqdefault.jpg)
I love the perspective that we feel mom guilt not because of the things we are doing or letting our kids do, but because of the priorities that we are NOT prioritizing.
So if we prioritize what is truly important to us, it’s okay when those extra things happen that aren’t inherently wrong, but just sometimes keep us from the priorities. That helps my mindset so much, thank you!!
Yes, mom guilt is so a thing! My husband doesn't feel guilt about any of the things I do. He's so cool. He'll be like, "Babe, I picked a good momma for my kids and all the things that are bothering you now will most likely not be a big deal in by the time they're 18. So don't beat yourself up, you have one of the hardest jobs in the world. Raising the next generation."
Working mom here with a stay-at home dad husband. Mom guilt is still overwhelming!!! I don't feel guilty for working because it's obviously necessary. But everything else: whether we're doing the "right" thing for feeding, sleep, screen time, etc.... Sometimes that even gets in the way of the real question: what's best for my family overall? My baby hates baby led weaning, nurses to sleep, and she is perfectly happy and healthy. But definitely social media and getting overwhelmed by health recommendations doesn't help. I think it's helpful to think about the why - okay, no screen time is recommended before age 2, but that doesn't mean my baby is harmed if my husband and I play a video game while she plays independently. If I focus on what's best for the family, then great - we are relaxing and she is developing motor skills and independence.
Edit: And my husband feels ZERO guilt. He just takes great care of our baby and doesn't stress about optimizing everything. I wish I knew the secret.
I don't even know why people would criticize nursing to sleep. That is a totally normal, primal thing to do. My first did that as a toddler and never had any theeth issues nor regulation issues. My second is a baby and of course gets nursed to sleep. Nursing is like a superpower during the baby and toddler years. So often 'advice' around babies is so removed from our human nature and just stresses moms out.
Wiiiild!!
My husband and I are pretty 50/50 but different tasks. He works full time but I'm in law school as well. I'm kind of Type A, he's kind of Type B, and I feel like we help each other that way. He does a lot with our son and, sometimes it's not exactly the way I would do it or he forgets stuff that I feel like is basic but I've had to learn to let go a little and not be high-strung with stuff that isn't really putting him in danger because I really don't have the capacity. In my honest opinion, I think a lot of the moms who have a ton of guilt are holding themselves to a super high standard because they can. At the very beginning of law school we were taught that the workload will take as much of your time as you let it. If you try to annotate every case and read supplements and do everything perfectly, you'll burn yourself out in about 2 seconds. I feel like parenting is similar. If you're a Type A person and you're a SAHM, you're going to fill that extra headspace with all these things you "should" be doing. I think dads don't feel the guilt as much because there's a really low standard for being a "good" dad and other dads don't judge each other the way other moms do.
I love this video, it just speaks to where I am in life rn (SAHM with first kid)! Totally underestimated how isolated I would become as an introvert. It became a cycle of not doing active things because I didn’t have energy and feeling guilt that I wasn’t doing activities with her.
I feel less relaxed as a mom now that I have two. I get so enraged so frequently with two. I go from 0 to 100 in an instant of someone whining too much or pulling on my shirt too much. I'm in a season of feeling like the worst mom and fearing what my children think of me or how they will grow up to be because of my outbursts. They are only 2 years and 9 months. It has been such a cluster and struggle. I really feel like I'm failing everyone in my family. And I want more kids but don't understand why I can't handle even two of them.
Omg because 2 and 9 months is A LOT!!! I couldn’t handle more kids at those ages! Give yourself some time and grace for more kids when the little one gets bigger you’ll probably feel ready if that’s what you want. Hunt gather parent, and good inside will change everything for you. And honestly my guide, you’re exactly who I want to help/work with.
Hang in there girl, you’re doing something that’s very hard
Five years in… I have built our routine around what I want my kids to have each day. I have a visual check list for them to homeschool, go outside, and read/be read to before they’re allowed to watch tv or whatever is extra. Because we have to check off the list, the extra doesn’t happen until about quiet time which is perfect. I am expecting #3 though in Dec and am kind of nervous how postpartum and a new baby will change how I feel about all of it!
Such good advice! Thank you so much. Sometimes as mom we beat ourselves up for things that are very "trivial". It's great to keep your priorities straight and focus on those and know that not everyday is going to be a successful day and that's ok
2:08 Sorry for so many comments back to back.
Married lesbian here to speak on mom guilt. lol! I am a stay at home mom/homemaker. My wife works full time. We both spend tons of time with our daughter, but I am the primary caregiver. My wife & I had the same conversation. She said she misses us a lot, but doesn’t usually feel guilty for going to work because she knows our daughter is with me. She doesn’t feel guilty for too much TV time, not going outside enough, etc… I was like: “That’s fascinating! I cannot imagine! That sounds so beautiful & liberating!” I feel bad if we weren’t outside much, had take out ‘too many times’, if I prioritized cleaning the house for a day, etc….
Video request 🤗 you’ve recommended so many amazing books in different videos. Would you consider making a whole designated video going through your top 5-10 “must reads” for pregnancy and parenting? I’m getting a bit lost and overwhelmed and the sheer volume of books and podcasts available to me!
This is a great idea
Absolutely agree. & all the fear mongering over healthy foods online is so so so bad.. it really increased my post partum anxiety
Omg it’s never ending and soooo stressful
Yes I can totally relate! I think it shows how much we love our kids, we want them to have it all and can’t always give it to them!
Other ideas for videos (unless you already made them):
Did your kids show a behavioral or sleep regression when you brought baby home? How is it going? (Currently have a 2 year old and 1 month old so I’m in it!)
Easy snack ideas for toddlers (realistic, no need to be fancy!) also, how do you feed your toddler? Do you let them feed themselves even when it’s super messy? Do you make separate meals for them? (I’m a super clean freak so it’s hard for me to let my toddler to just go to town, knowing most of it will end up on the ground)
Have you considered homeschooling? What pros and cons were on your mind when considering?
Yes they totally had/ have behavioral and sleep changes (though my sleep coach friend said this is typical of two year olds and it usually coincides with a new sibling. I’ve found this is personality. My first was a lot less interested, my second you can tell is upset getting the boot from being the baby. Looots of big feelings were supporting over here 🫶
Snacks, we do lots of fruit, salami, try to do nuts, smoothies, croissants with cheese or meat baked in them (so easy)
Yes I think we’re going to homeschool. Pros: they don’t have to sit for 8 hrs and you can pace their learning to them
Cons: work time for me, I think we’ll get a nanny
Thank you Shayla, we love you!!!! Love from the PNW
Pre Mum here and theres no judgement here I think this all makes sense and plan on doing the same 😊 ps love your content and your whole energy ❤
Looking forward to the mindset guide!
Can you make a video about moms that didn’t plan on being a housewife and it just turned out that way? And the adjustments you had to do to feel good about it ? Because I’m not bringing money in the household, I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job at home.
This is literally who I was thinking about when I made my guide.
It’s sooo hard when you weren’t planning it. 🫶
Loved this video, thanks for sharing! For comparison, my first daughter who’s two now, is so clingy to me and needs to cuddle at all times and I was that crazy first time who never wanted her to cry and did contact naps more times than not when she was little. So it sounds like that’s just the personality of your second baby. I’m 13 weeks pregnant with our little boy and I’m curious to see what his personality will be like. What a fun ride motherhood is. 🥰
This makes me feel better lol so fun and honestly learning their personalities is my fav part!
You sponsoring LMNT-- me hearing your sponsor and taking a sip of my LMNT that's right in front of me... Yeah. LMNT.
😂🙌🙌🙌
Clingy baby is not because you let them cry!! We have super clingy baby/toddler and our families tell us it’s because we never let him cry. We all get judged no matter what we choose, so do what works for you! It’s probably just their little personalities.
Haven't watched yet but oh I know I need to hear this right now
Please talk about what you intentionally do to promote a secure attachment
That's interesting. I would not say I feel mom guilt. But I do often feel that I would like to be able to do more but that's the same for everything in my life, I just tend to want to juggle too many balls at once 😅 But I do not feel guilty about not managing to do it, I feel sorry about it. But I also have a to-do app where I enter all of the tasks I did today. This gives me perspective every evening on how much I was actually able to achieve and how unrealistic it would have been to try and fit in more.
Whoa. The last video i caught you were most likely not having a 3rd, and i see a tiny baby in your thumbnail lol... Time flies.. THEN i just realized that i DID see your video announcing #3... But still, time flies cause now there is a baby lol
Shayla!! Could you do a Day in my life/ Week in my life? I think it could be super helpful
Ugh vlog style is soooo hard for me, to film, put together and to not show my kids faces. What do you want to see from it maybe I can talk about it
I clothed my 1st baby from about 5 months on. I’m on the fence about doing cloth from birth with future kiddos. I do plan to still do cloth, but prob start at 2-3 months.
Those newborns do be pooping all the time 😂😅
This is what I’m doing, mostly bc I’ve tried a few times and they’ve leaked! So I’m waiting for him t get bigger
super random, but just curious:
Did you decide to cloth diaper from birth this time or are you waiting for baby boy to grow into the all-in-ones
Hi! Here's our experience as a same sex couple. Yup! Mom guilt is real, at least for this mommy who navigates mom guilt all day every day. My partner and I truly do split the caregiving tasks 50/50, but I carried so... maybe? I think the guilt is more likely to impact those of us who are socialized into thinking we SHOULD be the primary caretaker. Just speculating. 😂
Those guns 💪 registered as lethal weapons? 😮💨
Hahahaha
What kind of baby carrier are you using?
Heyshayla.com/sakurabloom
I wonder if the guilt is connected more to type A personalities 🤔
Nope, I am not type a lol
@@heyshayla 😆 well scrap that idea
I was just googling gratitude journal and alike past night. Mom rage is fueling my mom guilt. It's been tough since the welcoming of my second and feeling like life is completely off control...
My second is a little over a year old and I felt like you describe after she was born. It was SO hard as a transition but it gets better ❤ sending love, you're doing amazing!
@@bethw3573 thanks 🙏
Same I had rage around naps and the toddler interrupting
❤
Do you know what Mum I feel guilty just thinking about getting a massage. My husband told me that I should organise care for the baby such as getting a nanny if I want to get him a massage or something hypothetically.. but we both know that’s never going to happen because I’m just guilty just thinking about it
And it’s so surprising to me that he doesn’t even get it when I say that I feel guilty doing that for this . Like he just doesn’t get it.
😢you see me🥲
2:08 Sorry for so many comments back to back.
Married lesbian here to speak on mom guilt. lol! I am a stay at home mom/homemaker. My wife works full time. We both spend tons of time with our daughter, but I am the primary caregiver. My wife & I had the same conversation. She said she misses us a lot, but doesn’t usually feel guilty for going to work because she knows our daughter is with me. She doesn’t feel guilty for too much TV time, not going outside enough, etc… I was like: “That’s fascinating! I cannot imagine! That sounds so beautiful & liberating!” I feel bad if we weren’t outside much, had take out ‘too many times’, if I prioritized cleaning the house for a day, etc….
Primary care giver!!!! I think it makes a big difference.