As a 29 year old, I'm a vastly different person than I was at 21. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian home and went to Christian college, and lots of couples were getting engaged and married right after school. I am so grateful I gave myself time to learn and grow into who I am. Still single, but I am happy with myself and I know what I want in a relationship. I also unlearned a lot of unhealthy people pleasing and merging with other people's wants to earn approval.
Good for you ! I too went to a church based college. I saw so many young adults just rushing into relationships all twitterpated only to fail in 4-5 years. Its truly a bad thing when people rush into relationships without truly getting to know a person.
@@HosCreates Agreed. I think it's easy to think you're in love and overlook red flags when you are desperate for love and think it's the gateway to the only life you were made for (marriage, family). I know some great couples from college that continued to change and grow together, and some that ultimately grew in different directions and split. But in retrospect for me, I feel like it would have been a nightmare based on the kind of guys I was interested in at the time, and my tendency to go with whatever the other person wanted 😂💀
Ok that is one side of the coin and it is great, but biological clock is ticking and if a female wanting children of her own would wait until 30, it could be too late. It is perfect for everybody else, but for a girl wanting her own kids, not so much. Meanwhile men can get a girl pregnant even in their 40'-50'. But unfortunately world is not fair
Question for you, as someone who also was raised deeply in conservative/Christian environments and also went to a Christian school, do you believe part of the so many people rushing into relationships and getting married was, not to be blunt, sex? There was often the huge connotation of sex before marriage is wrong, sinful, but, hey, we are college aged people, we all want it… and I noticed and got the general sense many were rushing into things so they could, well, have someone they could have an intimate relationship with free from scrutiny from the community, rather than just love
I had to delete my social media because it felt like everyone I knew was falling in love, getting engaged, married, and having children. Comparison was a very real problem for me, so hearing your honest takes on relational issues means a lot!
I'm in my early 20s and sooo many of my friends of the same age are getting married and having babies. I have no desire whatsoever to get married but it still sometimes makes me question what the heck I'm doing 😅 When everybody else is doing something it's hard not to look at it and feel weird for not doing it too, even if it's not even something I want.
Woof, this is a whole mood. I couldn't tell you why, but seeing people I know getting engaged/married sets off a trigger for me. I don't like to think I have an aversion to getting married, but I'd love an explanation as to why I get triggered upon seeing people making these announcements via the socials.
I'm in my 30s and definitely feel this. The average age for women in the U.S. to get married is 28, so that's comforting. 🙄 But honestly, it really comes down to staying committed to you and your path. I have so many friends who are married or in committed relationships. But I've embraced who I am and being single so much that it doesn't bother me as much anymore. You only need YOU to be a whole person. Remember that. This past year was hard as I had to desensitize myself to the notion that I'm incomplete without a partner and fell in love with myself along the way. That's how you ultimately survive and find true happiness. I have a wonderful, fulfilling life and know exactly who I am. I likely won't get married now until my late 30s or 40s, but that's because I don't seek out dating too much and also refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve. Finding a true life partner is harder for some than for others. For those in my life who have already found their person, I've decided to be happy for them. They no longer have to go through the struggle of dating, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I got into my first relationship at 21, and we got married when I was 24, a little over a year ago. I obviously married young, but so far I have no regrets. I know myself, I know him, and I know we’re headed in the same direction. Honestly, I think the secret to a good marriage can be boiled down to this: there’s no special magic that makes romantic relationships different from other relationships. They feel slightly different because they make you experience a different cocktail of hormones (especially at the start), but really, they run on the same stuff as every other relationship. Trust. Mutual affection. Laughter. Tolerance. Lots and lots of communication. I had that pretty much figured out before getting into a relationship, which is a big reason I’ve been able to make my first (romantic) relationship work.
Thank you for this comment! I'm 23 right now and planning a wedding for June. I'll be very close to turning 24. However, we've been dating for 3 years. We've known each other since elementary school. We've been close friends since our senior year of high school. He's extremely committed to me, and sometimes videos like this end up freaking me out a bit. I'm used to over thinking every important decision, and it's hard not to fall back into that mindset of second-guessing everything.
Good luck to you both in your marriages! I got married when I was 23. I am 29 now, and we had our 5 year anniversary in May. We had another factor to our relationship, we were long distance, him England, me the US. I was very frank with him early on about what I wanted from a relationship, and we started our relationship from a place of similar values and some shared interests, so we were good there. I 100% made the right decision, and he is a great partner. We have a 13 month old now, and she has been a challenge, but I’m so glad my husband is putting so much in to raising our daughter. We only waited just over a year to get married, but he visited me for 3 months, and we were very explicit early on about what we needed from our relationship and what our flaws are, etc (and we had to wait another year for him to immigrate to the US after getting married). This would not work for everyone, but we are both very introspective and honest.
@@rachelle2227 Thank you! This gives me hope for the future. :) So many comedians like to make fun of marriage nowadays that it starts to get a little nerve-wracking.
I've been in my first romantic relationship for over a year and a half. I'm 23 and he's 20 and we're pretty sure we'll be spending the rest of our lives together. We've been living together for almost a year, but still taking things slow since I have my own things to work through and we're both really young
@@rachelle2227 oh my goodness. I didn’t get into it in my comment because it was already long enough, but hi, same exact boat. I’m Swedish, he’s Canadian. We’ve been long distance for over three years now, though we’ve been able to live together for several periods of 1-5 months. And now, a little over a year into our marriage, he’s finally received his Swedish residence permit and is in the final stages of moving here! We met online and were friends for almost a year before getting together, so we also got into this relationship knowing that we had shared interests, values and goals, and with the understanding that we could only make an LDR work if we took it seriously from the start. It also neatly sidestepped the booty blindness Jonathan talked about, since we knew we were otherwise compatible before we even had the chance to meet 😂 It’s always really nice to read about other LDR couples that make it, and especially right now. Leaving his life and family is hitting him harder than either of us expected (for a few different reasons), and that combined with the general stress of organising a transatlantic move is making this period really emotionally wrought for both of us. So thank you for writing your comment-I really needed to read it. I can’t wait to get to where you are now.
My mother married at fourteen and my grandmother at 16. Both marriages ended in bitter divorce. My husband's mother married at 16, and his great-grandmother married at 13. His mother's marriage ended in divorce; his great-grandmother was trapped out in the middle of nowhere and we don't know whether she wanted to stay put or not. He and I dated for two years and then married at 29 for me, 28 for him. Even though we had many other indicators against us, we're still happily married 38 years later. I'd say it was worth the wait.
Out of curiousity, how old was your husband's mother's husband? How old was his great-grandmother's husband? Yes. That too is relevant information for context.
I married at 21, before finishing college, and it worked well for us. Married longer than we were single now... But being young wasn't the secret sauce. Nor was the secret "a love for the ages". It was finding the right partner, common values, open communication, and stubborn commitment to working out the issues.
Yeah! Communication is key! Totally agree! You're partner is someone you can (and should) talk about everything with! Talking about you base morals not only allows you to match up, but also explore the minutia of those morals that maybe you didn't realize were important to you. And don't get married until you feel comfortable about those moral agreements and differences, or just because you've been together for a set amount of time. There's a reason they say you should marry your "best friend"
I had my first child at 36, and my second at 40. Late, I know, but fertility issues. Half of me is really glad for the wisdom, and the other half laments the lack of energy and stamina.
I’m 32, I’ve found my man, but we still can’t buy a house or get married. We want those things before having kids but I’m terrified of waiting. I’m sorry, I just needed to share. Congratulations to you both on your kids.
@@eride79 we found it very valueable to have had many years together being just a couple before becoming parents. Also, the wisdom and ressources gained helped a lot in becoming the attentive and solid parents we wanted to be. I wish you all the best in your journey!
I never felt the need or rush to getting married. Nearly everyone in my family married quite young. I just turned 34 and my now husband 35 last month and we just got married 3 weeks ago. I'm glad I waited to know we both love and respect one another for our commitment 😊 granted we were together for 7 years (COVID did postpone for a while) but glad we waited nonetheless
I wanted to get married at 25. When I was younger I was convinced that was the perfect age for it. Now I'm nearing 45 and I've never been married. I haven't dated much either. But right now I'm dating the most wonderful man and have been for about 4 and a half years. People ask why we aren't married yet and to be honest, we weren't ready. I have finally worked through most, if not all, the trauma in my life and I'm ready to say yes if he proposes. I don't know if he's ready, or if he ever will be but what I do know is that I wasn't ready at 25.
My advice. Marry when you found your person. Am 29 and have not yet met him yet. But if I had met him before now I would definitely have married earlier. Made sure it’s a good person, your morals align, and you have talked about hard topics.
Thank you for this! Still never married in my late 30s and so sick of married couples saying things like “when you’re ready God will bring someone “ I think they mean it kindly but it implies that married people have reached some level of maturity and wholeness that us poor singles just haven’t, which is pretty anguish inducing especially looking at how unstable and immature some of the married people I know are.
I think this was one of my biggest issues with singleness for a long time was how it was often as regarded as someone needing to almost go through the 12 trials of Hercules to be proven worthy to date someone or marry. I think really it’s more to do with just what’s in your life right now. Going to school, visiting places, or even just living on your own. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a test or milestone to prove worthiness and THEN you are much more levelheaded, adult, and sage-like in order to be with someone. No, sometimes you’re in Utah writing a book and they’re in Glasgow working on cars and it has nothing to do with not being mature enough, you just have other things in your life until that timeline happens. You can meet someone at 21 or 31, and you could very well have been ready at 21 too, but time and space makes interesting stories that don’t have to do with maturity or worthiness. Speaking from experience, church members could tell me once I reached a level of maturity that I would meet someone. However, I could get a masters in theology, go on missions, pray sincerely and with pure intentions and faith, and I still would have to accept the uncertainty that maybe I meet someone or maybe I don’t. It’s ambiguous grief, but I can be at peace with it. I hope I made sense lol, I’ll stop rambling now.
@@janemerrick2936 No, I get you completely, and understand where you are coming from. You said it all perfectly and expressed my own thoughts very thoroughly.
I am a religious person and I wouldn’t say that God brings you someone when you’re ready. I got married at 19 to someone who then was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. He was insanely abusive and I lasted all of 18 months. Many people said God WANTED me to go through that. It was His plan. And I fully disagree. I think God took that trial and made it something good, but I cannot believe a loving God would want anyone to go through what I did. I shortly after found my current husband. I mean like 3 months after getting free from my ex. I didn’t want to rush into anything, but this wonderful human was dropped right in front of me. So we dated for 5 years, got married a year after that, and I’m 30 now and it’s been truly wonderful. Do I think God gave me him when I was ready? Absolutely not. I had him years before I was emotionally ready for a relationship. I think it was just dumb luck and I was blessed to have someone who was willing to wait for me to go through years of therapy to be the type of partner I wanted to be. All that to say, I think we are given opportunities in life and it is our call what we do with those opportunities. Sure it’s wonderful to believe God will give us someone when we’re ready, but if we’re already ready and there aren’t good options, we shouldn’t proceed. If we aren’t yet ready we may be presented a near perfect match for us. I mean … God gives us free will and He can use things to bring Him glory, but ultimately it’s always going to be our call and our assessment of the situation.
@@anonymouscommenter6829 thank you for your kind words. It was pretty hard to hear at the time, but it was harder to be told that I wasn’t worthy of marrying again because God didn’t agree with my divorce (regardless of the scriptures I found solitude in). I think part of life is doing the best you can with what you’re given and learning from everything. My husband certainly was a blessing to have while I was healing, and I’m not sure I would be where I am today as quickly without him.
I once read somewhere that the smaller the organism the faster the heart rate The faster the heart rate, the slower the perception of time This thought came to mind when perceiving the whole “three months seemed a long time when younger” The argument for being a fully realized adult in a long term relationship carries the weight that youthful impulsivity cannot match Nicely Done
My husband and I started "dating" in junior high at age 14. We got married at age 18. We are still very happy together 25 years later. It is not for everyone, but we had a rough upbringing, and we knew what we were doing more at age 18 than a lot of people do at age 40. We also waited to be intimate until marriage, and I think that made a difference for us. I would not change a thing about it. But I also wouldn't recommend it for most people.
I'm asexual, single and my goal is to stay that way and live alone with a bunch of cats, but I watch these videos because I'm also a writer and this is very useful information so I can build realistic relationships and characters in my story. Thank you!
@@luvamiart8567 haha. What an idiot who replied to you. Young or not, no one questions someone who goes on the typical path. Your choices deserve to be respected haha.
I'm a birth doula and I work almost exclusively with first time parents. I have not seen a 20-something couple in a loooooonnnngggg time. From my limited perspective, it seems to me that the general trend right now is to wait to get married and/or have children in your 30s. I even see quite a few 40 year olds. Versus some of the really young couples I've worked with, the older couples seem much more grounded and happy overall.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 22. We started dating at 16, and we were in conservative families. They wanted us to get married young (his mom "jokingly"said she would sign off if we wanted to get married at 17) but I knew I wanted to experience life, including not going straight from my parents house to a marital house. We married at 24. I think for us it was a good age because of the time we put into it. But man, have we both grown as people A LOT since then. I got really good advice from an older couple: marry old enough that you each know yourselves as individuals, but young enough that you don't harden to companionship.
Hubby and I got married when I was 30, and hadn't been intimate with anyone (by choice, no religious motivation). It worked better for us, specifically, but we also were together for several years, first. He was absolutely worth the wait and it's year 14 for us this year. ❤ My coworker knew his wife for a month before they got hitched. They've officially been married a year for every day they were dating! They're relationship goals and totally still flirt when they pass each other at work. 👩❤️👨👴👵 Your mileage will absolutely vary!
Just want to say thank you for this video! I'm 28 years old and have yet to date much less marry. The way our culture romanticizes young love left a part of me feeling embarrassed and I leaned mostly on the fact that my parents didn't marry until their early 30's and that they have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen. It's refreshing to hear someone else say that waiting and taking things slow is still totally valid.
I met my husband when we were 16 years old and waited until we were in our mid 20s to get married. We got backlash from religious family members, but I honestly don't regret it. We were young and dumb and only wanted things for ourselves, and we both knew getting married young wasn't for us. We wanted to be better people for ourselves and find out what we truly wanted before settling down.
@@lovenkind8180 probably because most religious communities believe sex before marriage to be a sin, and when people date that long, it’s inevitable. Or maybe not. But there’s a lot of pressure on young people to marry, many of whom have only dated one person in their life, which is often a recipe for disaster.
Yes, it’s less about age and more about emotional maturity. If you have the wisdom and insight it takes to handle that deep and committed of a relationship with another person and your partner is the same way, it wouldn’t matter if you were young. That’s just a really rare thing for both people to be in the same place mentally or close to it.
I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 19. We were friends for a long time. When we both found ourselves single we decided to start a casual relationship. 3 months in we both knew it was no longer casual. We still waited years before getting married. I don't think we would have lasted if we got married sooner only because we would have caved to the pressure to have kids immediately. Our kids have by far been the biggest struggle in our marriage so far. We still love each other, but having kids changes every aspect of your life, including how you relate to one another, and there's nothing that can really prepare you for that change.
very true. my husband and I waited 2 years before having a child. and its harder to have a conversation without the kids now wanting to put in their 2c. 🙄
I didn't marry until 37. I didn't feel like I knew myself until my early 30s and then I started dating my best friend. I knew within a few months that I wanted to marry him. And its been the best.
I got married at 27 back in 2020. I don't think it was the right time for us, but we've worked hard on our relationship in the last 3 years and come out stronger. My wife and I had been engaged for 5 years, so the plan had already been to get married. I got laid off on April 1st and we were married the 11th in our driveway by one of her coworkers with just my parents-in-law and my sister-in-law present. Crazy how situations can make you feel like you have no choice. All that said, I love my wife very much and I wouldn't trade her for the world
I completely agree with you! My 26 year old daughter is just now finishing her education, and she's worried that she's not married yet, like many of girls who she knows who are married and having children now. Your video perfectly explains the reason why it's not wise to rush into marriage. I will have her watch your video to make her feel better. Thanks so much!!
I’m getting ready to finish my education, I’m a 28 year old woman. She’s been fed this narrative of artificial scarcity. I see this manufactured anxiety prevalent in heterosexual culture.
I've always thought, I would get married some day... but now I realize that I am aromantic and that really changes perspective. My entire world view and self-view is shattered. But it is exciting, because now I have the opportunity to think outside the box and find other forms of living with different forms of companionship, that better fit who I really am
Me too! I spent my youth knowing I was bound to get married because that’s what people did. Ugh. I wasn’t excited about it, though. I think girls are supposed to plan dream weddings and stuff and my fantasies when I was forced to have them were about what shortcuts I could take to save money. I found out what Aro/Ace was when I was 40 and suddenly the whole world made sense.
My husband and i got married at 23 I think we were quite young at that time. we've been married for almost 6 years. I agree with Jono, marry when it feels right for you. When you found the right person and when you are ready to invest in that marriage. A lot of my friends are not married yet and that's okay (although in my culture, women are usually expected to be marries by the time they are 25)
My 11th grade English teacher, on a poem I turned in about my boyfriend, told me I was too young to know what love was. Well, we’ve been together for nearly 20 years, married for 18, and the only thing I have to say to her is, “Date smarter, not harder.” I dated one other guy because of peer pressure. I refused dating all the other guys who asked because I knew them. I knew this guy was a jerk and he showed it to me more after we were dating. I rebounded with my husband. We had a long distance relationship for 15 months as teenagers. We got married at 18 and 20. Is he the man I married? No, absolutely not, he’s better. And I’m not the woman he married, either. That’s supposed to happen. We grow and change together. Sometimes his job takes him away for a 9-15 months and we get to know each other again as these different people with the only expectation being that we’re in a committed relationship no matter how much we’ve changed from the people we were. Marriage is really an endurance test, after all.
I remember when I was 19 and went to college and I thought “this is it! This is where I meet my one true love!” But I remember a couple of years later I looked back and laughed at how immature I was. So, every year on my birthday I decided I would do a “self inventory”. I would take stock of how I had changed over the year, and what stayed the same. If I felt like I had changed a lot, I knew I wasn’t ready yet to get seriously involved. But once I hit 27 I looked back on the last 2 years of my life and thought “yeah, my perspective has remained relatively unchanged since I was 25.” And THATS how I knew I was ready to START dating seriously. Haha not that it’s happened yet though. I’m now 29 and decided to go back to school so it’s not a major priority 😂
As someone who married my husband at 23 nearly 9 years ago: I had already made that fundamental change of who I was and wasn't, I didn't need to wait longer to find myself. I think that's the difference: if you know yourself, you know what you want in a partner. When you find it, you don't have to wait.
I remember back in highschool my friend said she wanted to get married and start a family before 25. I still found it unreasonable because most of our young adulthood is taken up by college but I did still have the same desire to find love young. We were just teenagers so 25 sounded like a big number then and we had the fear of imagining life beyond that because of ageism. At least for women, we're only as valuable as our youth so we felt like we needed to find love and settle down while it lasted. I'm turning 24 now and I'm relieved that I never acted on my desperation for romantic relationships (even if my reason was just because I was busy and insecure). I only recently felt actualized in who I am and I'm still growing. I can't imagine anyone who isn't toxic or vulnerable themselves actually being attracted to any younger version of me lmao. I feel a lot more secure now that I don't even seek dating (back then, I think I just wanted dependency) but I also know that if and when I am willing to date, it'd be when I am the best version of myself for the people who'll meet me.
We met in our late teens, dated for a year and a half, were engaged for a year and a half, and got married shortly after he turned 21 (I'm 6 months older). The first two years weren't easy, but we figured a lot out. The next eight years were good. The last two years, in response to a lot of life stress, our marriage has been amazing. Debt free at 33.
I had a perfect plan in mind for my life. I'd meet my husband in college, get married at like 24-25 (giving myself a few extra years seeing as my parents got married at 22 after dating for 3 months and being engaged for 6 months), have my first kid at 28, have my second and last kid at 30. Well, turns out I didn't meet my husband until I was 26, married at 28. Whoops.
Thank you for this. The "you're ready when you've worked through your traumas" line hit me particularly hard. I guess it's time to stop putting it off. 😅
I have been with my husband for 11 years now. We are high school sweethearts and married at 23 & 21. We’ll be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this summer. I wouldn’t have had it any other way ❤️
My partner and I have been dating for 5 years, but we are young (21). I feel like I'm fighting all of my instincts not going faster. Just trying to remind myself that there are so many milestones that fly by in the first stages of a relationship and we just get extra time to savor each one. I still get all the joys of a committed relationship just without the ring.
I got married to a narcissist at 25 who actually managed to keep the mask up for more than 12 months. Ended up divorced at 28 in financial and emotional ruin isolated 10000 km away from my family. I am not sure how I could have mentally prepared myself for this possibility since it was all green flags for a long time. It was definitely a learning experience and I view people and relationships very differently now. When I look at my students (late teens, early twenties) I see a lot of innocence and optimism regarding relationships which is something that an abuser would surely look for. Getting older has the side effect that you have more scars and experiences which give you a more sceptical outlook on the people you meet. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing.
Thanks for your guidance. I personnaly already thought it is better to wait get to know the other one, but I asked myself "how can we be sure we're ready" and it's true that we're never fully ready for anything, but it doesn't mean it's not the right time. I'm 23, i'm gonna wait to heal from my traumas and to be more confident about myself but your way to put the idea of getting married is reassuring.
I'm in the same boat as you. 23 and working through trauma. My boyfriend is really loving and supportive, but I definitely need to work through my own issues before I feel ready to take that big step in life
I got married at 19 to my 21 year old boyfriend. We knew each other over almost 2 years (15-17) and dated a year before he proposed and then got married 9 months later. We've been married going on 12 years and we're still very Happy. We got lucky
@@DoloresJNurss my boyfriend and I decided at the beginning that we wanted to date for at least 2 years. Part of this is due to my own childhood trauma, since my mom married my stepdad after only 4 months of meeting him, and I didn't see the emotional abuse start to happen until a year into their marriage. I think 2 or 3 years is how long it can take to truly get to know someone, especially if you live with them.
My mother met my dad within *days* of her high school graduation. She told me many times that the moment she first saw him (before she even knew his name), she thought "that's the man I'm going to marry." She was still 17, he had turned 19 a few months earlier. They got married late that August, and were married for 52 years and change, until she died this past October. They had an amazing marriage (ups & downs, of course, but always committed). I married relatively young too: I married my spouse after we'd dated for about a year, but we'd known each other since I was 8 (we got married a couple of months after I turned 22). We're coming up on 29 years this summer, & yes, if you're doing the math, that means I turn 51 in about 2 months. :D Unless our various health concerns put a stop to it, it looks like we're well on our way to our own Golden Anniversary. OTOH, so! many! of my friends from high school got married during or shortly after high school, and almost none of them are still with their first spouse. The difference? I have no idea, other than that I suspect a lack of in-depth conversations during the dating period about what they both want. I definitely think those conversations are absolutely required, regardless of how old the potential spouses are.
1) Marriage is not a necessity. 2) The horrors of divorce far outweigh the joys of a wedding day. 3) Everything in between is identical to not being married.
I love how you mentioned keep both eyes open and keep our brains throughout the process of becoming someone’s friend etc. Unfortunately, this is not shared as often as it should
I’d like to see you guys do a video on healthy relationships where one person has multiple mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, ptsd etc. but where the other person does not have clinically diagnosed mental health issues
One really big obvious thing I say is that marriage is a legal contract in addition to being about love. If you don't want to tie yourself to that person's financial choices, don't get married. But I'd love to see you do a rundown of reasons *not* to get married.
Yup! In some instances like for paperwork I think some folks try to pressure people into this when they aren't ready or don't want to. I had a coworker tell me a story about a neighbor of hers at one point that basically asked if she would marry their cousin for paperwork for immigration, and like followed it up with comments about how she could just live her own life still and they just needed the paperwork submitted and etc. Totally transactional not even mentioning the legal ramifications let alone the process of having your relationship being questioned for legitimacy in the interview processes. She said no but the fact people come here and treat it that transactionally is quite sad and disrespectful to game the system.
@sintofg that's creepy but also scary. If anyone were to jump right in and agree, once a divorce is considered, there could be a fight on who gets what. Especially what would be in her bank account. I read before a marriage, get prenuptial agreements so that what's yours is yours and what's theirs is theirs.
@@maylin1986 I think a prenup makes only sense in certain cases. Actually, the default situation (everything both earn during the marriage belongs to both equally) is making sure, that if one partner helps the other in their career, like taking a step back from their own career to shoulder the domestic work for both (maternity leave, etc) / moving for their partners work / investing money etc. is reflected. You are seen as one economic unit, that makes these decisions together and earn and spend money together. But, of course, it takes a certain maturity to live that responsibly. You should also know yourself and your partner well for this kind of codependence. Certainly, you should not enter it just to have a wedding, or because it is romantic, or because you/society think you should do it at a certain age.
Thanks for mentioning that holding off on sex isn't always about religion, being a "prude" or purity culture. There seems to be a culture today in dating that everyone needs to hop into bed right away. There are emotional and physical consequences to sex which people ignore in the name of "sexual freedom". Like anything in life, sometimes waiting for good things is what makes them 100 times better when you get there and make the full experience richer and more enjoyable.
Thank you for keeping it in the lane of...it depends on the couple. I am one of those who met my husband in September, first date mid-October, engaged mid-November, and married in March. I was just over a month away from turning 20, and my husband was 25 on the day of our wedding. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and are still very much in love and devoted to each other. The life we have built has not always been easy, still isn't at times. We chose the path that was right for us, but I know many who thought marrying under a similar timetable was right, and it definitely was not for them. It really does depend on the couple, not an age.
Got married at 21 to my husband. We were together since we were 15/16 but obviously knew we wanted to wait til end of college. Both our parents got married young too at ages 20/21 and 19/24 and had us right away. But we've been married for a few years now but are "out of norm" in waiting to have kids until we feel more mature in our marriage and have a few other goals down or closer to completion.
My best friend is really struggle right now because she met her boyfriend when they were 17 (her) and 18 (him) back in 2018 and they quickly got very serious and it was her first experience of a healthy relationship and even just dating a non-abusive person... and after 2 years of dating they started planning their entire future together like a 5 year plan and they've been planning on getting engaged for 3 years now more or less. But they moved in together about a year ago and he recently stepped back from the idea of getting married cause he's realising he wants to live his student life and chill like every single one of his friends are before settling down and starting a full adult life, and she's really struggling with that idea and feels like everything is falling apart... and I kinda always saw it coming? I've been trying to tell her for years that she should be careful with how intense she is about it all (she's been saying ever since she was 19 that she was planning on being married by the time she's 23 and start having kids at 25, and they hadn't even lived together yet...) because for her it makes sense but when you're not in that mindset, it is quite impressive and daunting... I've told her many times that getting engaged before living together and seeing how they live with eachother when it's 24/7 365 days a year was not a good idea and they don't know where they're going to be at in life ina few years, if they'll have the financial stability etc but I stopped trying to talk to her on that subject cause I understood that I wasn't going to get my point through and trying to was only going to end up damaging our friendship cause I would end up overstepping and it's her life, not mine. But now they are dealing with what I was afraid was going to happen and she's crushed... she feels lost and, I'll never tell her that, but it's kind of a big "I saw it coming but you didn't hear me out when I tried to work through it with you..." I don't really know how to help her right now other than to tell her to try and see his point of view and give him time to see how things pan out instead of leaving right away. Cause she does love him very deeply and they can be good for eachother. I just think she put too much pressure on their relationship and tried to move too fast without stopping to make sure he was 100% on the same page (she did at first, but she's been counting on that initial agreement eversince and never really checked in again, and he was too afraid of confrontation and conflict to say anything... they both should've done things differently, but I just know her side of things more, which is why I didn't talk much about his mistakes along the way)
I personally don't believe in living together before marriage at all, but not for the reasons you think. If you think about it, most relationships aren't lasting. You'll marry one, maybe two people, in your life and the rest didn't work out for one reason or another. Not saying it's a bad thing, it's just the literal numbers logic. So just by sheer numbers, you're more likely to break up with someone than marry them. So...who moves out? Who takes what just from a moral standpoint (you can't tell me this isn't an issue, I've seen it...)?, how long had you been living together before breaking it off? The longer the relationship while living together, the worse the breakup is and no one want that kind of unnecessary drama. I also had a friend who I believe rushed into a marriage. The guy was only her 2nd BF at 29 almost immediately after her first (call me nuts for thinking marrying any of your first few SO's is insane, I truly don't believe you've learned enough about yourself or what you want and need in a relationship within the first few), engaged not even a year later and married in even less time. I saw so many red flags apart from that. Don't know how it's going because I knew what was going to happen the moment it started moving fast. Dropped many people like a lead balloon so I haven't seen her in almost 4 years, talked only 1-3 times in 3. I don't like to think I have an aversion to marriage...but for whatever reason finding out someone I know is engaged/married sets off a slight trigger for me and I have no idea why.
I agree, I got married myself when I was 23, but we had been together for 3 years, lived together for over 2 of those years. This year we can celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.
I am so thankful I decided to wait. I am such a different person now than I was even 2 years ago. I feel very blessed I found myself and solidified my goals and passions before I found my fiancee. We were together for just under a year before he proposed. I NEVER would have said the same thing about anyone else I had been with previously.
This feels pretty solid. I think some of the big parts that are also at play really is not knowing yourself yet. I'm 25 and engaged. I grew up in a marry young and fast culture, but my parents were divorced, and I have been bullied my whole life in that culture because of it. So I spent my whole life studying what makes healthy relationships and focusing on myself, my own healing and acknowledging what I would need from a relationship. I got checking for compatability down to a calculating science to the extent that I've only really been with my now fiance, but we've been together for 8 years. Since being together, I have come to terms with being ace, bi, nb, and that I don't have to be able to do everything. That, it's okay that my trauma prevents me from cooking and cleaning because I can do other things my fiance struggles with, like planning and organization. It's okay for us to pick up where the other can't. Finding myself has been one of the biggest shifts in our relationship, and I'm glad I found someone who is supportive and compatible with me in those ways. I can't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't. I know many people who only started to recognize and come to terms with lgbt+ aspects of themselves after high school and what that means for them and their relationships. We do a massive disservice to people by not being educated, aware, and understanding of the lgbt+ community as it plays such a large role in relationships. Being able to identify that you like this aesthetic or that one, that you feel most comfortable presenting in this manner, that damn that's not the anatomy or hormone levels you were told you would have, that you aren't really into the whole sex thing, or that you're super into the sex thing but you just really don't do the romance thing. It all plays such a large part of relationships that it sets people back from living their best life because they just don't know and don't have the words for it. If more people knew and just accepted that this is just descriptor words for a person's experience, it'd be a lot easier to actually find what you're compatible with.
It's not about the age, it's about taking the time to find the right partner and who will share your core values. My husband and I started dating at 20 (while living 5hrs apart) moved in together at 22 and married at 25, but I consider we were lucky we found each other. 11 years into the marriage and we been through some tough stuff, health wise, still going through it. We're definitely not the younglings we were back then, and we are still figuring stuff out, together and individually, but it's part of growing up, we'll never stop changing! I don't think if we were to start our relationship today, at age 35, we would be able to make the distance thing work like we did at the beginning. I really don't know how we did it 15 years ago! The beauty of being young and irrationally in love haha! I'm glad we survived it! I consider myself very lucky.
I know I certainly regret it. Married at 18 to someone who was 21. I sorta just assumed they would grow up and be a good person... that did not happen. Divorced 11 years later and have literally never been happier.
I am 35, and I sometimes feel that I am too late to dive into any relationship. But at the same time I feel that I am closer to myself now than I was 10 years ago. I mean, I was young, confused, traumatized and a little bit lost. I had just started to search my true inner self when I was 25! I was shattered by that time and I am sure I wouldn’t pick great partner and I wouldn’t be a great partner myself. I’d only attract the same broken person as I was. On the other hand, as I am getting older, it seems that most great people are already taken and happily married. 😅 I don’t know what to do and what to expect. Sometimes I feel like I am as lost as I was 10, 15 years ago… and that I haven’t made any progress through years of self-improvement and healing. This topic makes me feel so many emotions and have so many thoughts all at the same time.
I’m 19 years old and I just got engaged. My fiancé is 21. I know he is the one for me because he is my best friend and is so supportive of me and my goals. I’ve been more hesitant than I would like not due to my fiancé, but because of how the world views getting married young and the statistics. This video did make me feel a lot better because although we didn’t wait on our sexual relationship, we have spent a lot of time outside of anything physical to get to know each other. We have been together for a year and a half. He’s really helped me become more confident. We got into a car accident 3 months into our relationship and our relationship has only grown since. We won’t get married until 2025 when I graduate college but I’m so happy that he’s the one I’m going to marry.
So oddball here but my husband jokes (been married 11 years) that he knew date 2 because I didn’t have a filter. I came in and did his dishes, I cooked because I enjoy it. I told him that I had a bad day and needed support or for him to leave. We got married when I was 21 and he was 28 but the reason why we worked was I never looked at my relationships as needing to be lovey. I looked at it as a partnership and could I see myself marrying them. He jokes that we just clicked but it is also that we walked into starting a relationship as building a partnership and not about the romance from day one
Married at 21, started a family at 23, finished having kids by 29, now 40 and loving going on dates with hubby while the kids are busy with their friends/extracurriculars. Listening to our friends talk about dating, marriage or becoming a parent now (early 40s) sounds so fraught (emotional baggage, kids from previous relationships, vastly different financial positions, set in their ways, etc) and makes me glad I got lucky and found someone whose life goals and brand of crazy matched mine early on, I know not everyone is that lucky.
My husband and I got married at 20 and 21 after knowing each other for 3 months. I don't regret it and would do it over and over again in a heartbeat. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and we have built a great life together. When you know, you know. But at any age it takes a lot of hard work and dedication for sure.
I don’t think there’s any arbitrary numbers when it comes to marriage, me and my wife married young, but we were together 6 years before getting engaged, we’ve been married 5 years and together for 12.
I think as you said it depends on the person/situation. I got married at 23 after meeting my husband at 19. We are 28 now and we are so happy together. We are really happy we made that decision when we did because we have grown even closer and love eachother as much as ever. Also the dating scene seems like a nightmare nowadays so we're glad we dodged that bullet
I would say it depends on the person. I know many people in my family who married young and either are miserable or got divorced, some just grew apart and some are still very happy. My fiance and I met when I was about 24 and he was 20. We are both rather rational people and knew pretty fast we wanted to get married (got engaged one year into the relationship). But we also knew that we didn't want to rush and do it "properly" (I know "proper" differs for every person) so we both first finished our education, moved in with each other and have now, after 7 years (5 years living together) reached a point where we are about to actually plan a wedding and such. At this point were are already leading a married life aside from actually being married but I believe it is important to see how your lives and goals fit before doing this last step. Especially living together, cause you might work great while living apart and as soon as this last bit of space is gone it might all crash down.
So I made a friend (f) that I met shortly after graduating high school. This guy moved into our church and we both had a crush on him. I was telling her about how I thought that he was cute and she told me to ask him out, but I never did. Anyways, those two ended up getting married when my friend was about 19. I have no idea how their marriage is going, good or bad, still married or divorced, we haven't kept in touch. I am still single at age 27, which is interesting because I thought I would get married young. Anyways, I just think it's interesting that peoples lives can be so different and everyone takes different paths and gets married (if they do) at different ages. My dads parents married each other when they were 17, but my parents didn't get married until my dad was 33 and my mom was 28. Everybody is different and there is no "right" age at which to get married.
It depends on the people. A 20 year old can be more mature then a 40 year old. School, living situation, money, careers are all variables. Everyone is different.
Totally agree with the advice. I'd add that if you're waiting, make sure you leave time and room to grow together. If you're 100% ok by yourself, will this relationship be helpful to you both? I met mine at 22. Wanted a casual sexual relationship, but after 2 months that wasn't really our dynamic. Got engaged after 4 months, which was nuts. Got married at 24. Too soon? Maybe. We were both working through some things and were broke as a joke. But we grew together and the partnership and friendship which developed out of that was better for both of us.
As a 30 year year old. I’m the same person I was at age 14…. Mentally disabled. I reread my diary and I feel I was smarter and more wise back then. But then I realize I was just more in control of my mental illness and my mental disability wasn’t as bad. I regressed so terribly as I aged.
I found Cinema Therapy and thus your own channel a little bit after i had quite a traumatic experience while ending a relationship of four years. I had fallen for him when I was just 16 and we had a lot of our firsts together, both of us really thought we were going to make our life together as well. Long story short, after the first year it was a complete chaos. When I broke up with him, he sent me the ring he was planning to give me after turning 21 to become engaged. And GOD, that fucked me up so much. I had already relapsed ( of depression) before the whole thing happened, so after it I had a su*cide attempt because I thought i was destroying his dreams and our future and i couldn't live with the guilt of doing that to someone i loved so deeply. Even though it hurt like hell, I'm so glad I ended things with him. Seeing your reactions made me aware of so many things that were wrong. I spent months trying to re-learn how to love and trying to see myself in a better light, and listening to you was something that gave me a lot of hope and reassurance while doing so. DEFINITELY MARRY WHEN YOU ARE READY, but even more so, love when you feel ready as well. Specially when we are young emotions can be too much and most of time i think we don't really respect our boundaries and wishes because we are constantly looking for experiences that makes us feel big things. I didn't even know what i wanted to do with my life when i began that relationship, so maintaining it ultimately became our goal in the long run. And that is not love. Not at all. It's been about two years and recently I started a new relationship in which i'm really happy. Going back to your videos, specially those in which you talk about love and healthy couples, makes me feel now warm inside because I can relate to them. It's new, so of course i feel crazy in love and already have started talking about the future with my partner, but because we are both respectful of our goals and expectations, even if I feel like i want to marry them right in the spot I know it's not something we need or should do as of now. I think the idea of marriage should come naturally once you feel in the right place to do so, and not something you set as an objective or a goal with an age as a deadline. This turned to be quite a big comment already, but really i just wanted to thank you for being such a loving and reassuring person. I love your content and I kinda wanted this to be a reminder of the way you help and give love to people. You are special and I hope you feel just as loved as you love others too. ♥︎
I married young. But I'd like to think we married smart. We dated for 6 years before tying the knot and have been with each other through a lot. We weren't that mature. Had a lot of insecurities to work through. But did it together with an open mind, consideration, and kindness for each other. With god's grace, we are doing great! Ever since we started watching your videos, it helps us do a little pre-emptive care as well. We have conversations to continue learning how to love the changing versions of each other. Thank you (and cinema therapy)!
My husband and I met @ 17, married @ 22, still happily together 18yrs later. Despite the fact that we're very happy together, we both agree that we married way too early. We were pressured into marriage by our families but neither of us felt the need to at that moment. Thankfully, we've both grown into ourselves side by side. We love and genuinely like one another. So happy it worked out!
I think one thing I appreciate about waiting until I was older was having a better idea of who I was and what I wanted and didn’t want. In my teens and early twenties my basis of understanding relationships was modeled after my parents and other adults in my life. But it wasn’t until dating around that I understood my own tastes and needs better. I got together with my now husband when I was 29 and we got married when I was 35. It feels a lot more stable to understand the value of steadiness and communication required to make things work after lots of trial and error in my twenties.
I’m 23 and just got out of a 2-year relationship (including engagement) after a year or so of dating around. He called it quits when I couldn’t commit. I wouldn’t because he clearly didn’t know himself yet (understandable at our young age) & wasn’t showing he’s willing to put in the work necessary for a healthy marriage. plus, we didn’t have candid enough communication for my taste. Now I’m grateful to be unhitched which feels like the freedom I needed to explore who I am and what I need & have to give in a marriage. I’m hoping that in a couple years I’ll have an clearer picture of what I need in a partner & in myself for a healthy marriage. Already since the 2-year relationship breakup, I’ve learned a tremendous amount about what I will or won’t live with in a man. I like talking to my guy friends to learn their mindsets and observe their behaviors to try to keep my idealism in check with realistic development for men in my age range.
I think the problem is that the longer you wait, the less dating is about seeing promise in someone and growing together. Instead dating starts becoming about finding a perfect match to gel with your settled self. As you date in your 30s, everyone starts coming in with checklists of must haves and red flags. In my experience people stop searching for someone who brings them joy and instead they search for perfection.
Personally marrying young worked for myself and my husband,at the start of our relationship we did alot and also experienced alot,sickness, breakdown of my parents relationship and a family members death,it meant we couldn't really put on this perfect version of ourselves and we knew that if we could go through that we can pretty much do anything together. We have been married nearly 8 years we have grown together and still treat each other the same even with kids in the mix family brought us Personally together more but again I know that marriage,kids or marrying young is not for everyone I think if you want any of those things they'll be the right time but marriage is not always the right awnser for everyone the same with kids
I married fairly young, and we’re still happy together after over 30 years. However, if the outcome could somehow be the same (meaning - I’d still end up with the same hubby and same son, but just a little later in life), I think I would’ve waited maybe 3-5 years before tying the knot and settling down. Now don’t get me wrong, I adore my husband and son, and I’m grateful every day for both of them and the life we have together as a family. What I’m saying is, I would’ve liked to have finished my educational pursuits before settling down. I also think I might’ve struggled more as a young wife and mom because I didn’t have the confidence and mindset that comes with more life experience as a young adult on my own. Looking back, things still worked out very well for us. But I tell my son and my nieces and nephews to go have fun before settling down. Make some memories and a few (hopefully small) mistakes they can learn from and look back on. My hope for them is that they live more “in the moment”, and not miss the adventure and exploration we so briefly get as young adults. Marriage and family come along fast enough, all in their own time and with their own moments and joys. No need for hurry or worry. Good episode - thanks! ❤
I'm that lucky person who married my high school sweetheart, but we didn't marry until we were 28, and I think it was for the best. We both changed and grew a lot in those intervening years. When we finally did it, I knew we were making the commitment with much greater insight and wisdom than we could have done in our teens.
Best age to get married is after 25 yo. Prefrontal cortex finishes developing which is the part of the braid that deals with decision making. Also, the HIGHEST risk for divorce statistic is age 18-24. Coincidence? 🤔
It's wild going from watching Love is Blind to this. I think they have less than 2 months from meeting to marriage. I married my husband at 21, but we had been dating 4 years by then and knew we were going to be married at some point. I do think a big factor was that we were mature for our age. Coming up on our 10th anniversary now and still going strong.
HAHA literally just finished the episodes and I keep thinking "this is NOT enough time to truly know someone! 3 months at least!" But I hope it works out for some of them 😅 On these kind of shows I feel like it's just a total crapshoot whether or not what they say actually will match their actions in real life.
8:25 Completely agree, my partner and I started dating the week before the pandemic and so I didn’t even hold hands with him for 7 months and that allowed us to build a really strong friendship. We’re still pretty young so I’m gonna wait till my brain is fully developed 😅
I got a really simple message from this: getting married young isn’t a bad thing, but marrying into a young relationship is very likely to struggle later
I met my husband at 14, we started dating a few months after, and I was 20 when we got married. We celebrated 23 years together this month. Sometimes, when it’s right, it just works even if you’re kids.
there would be always someone who can break the rules. and that is humanity. that is why I really don't judge anyone because no one knows who would break the rules because most of the time there are no clues.
I married at 23 my husband was 21. But we started dating when I was 18 and he was 16. So like you said we did grow to know each other well before we married. Was it all sunshine and rainbows? Absolutely not! There were some tough times and big fights but we had that foundation of love and caring for each other that got us through. We also always worked on keeping our communication open so when we experienced big personal changes we could talk it through with each other. We married young, religious, straight, and conservative but today we are young at heart😛, atheist, left leaning, and one of us is bi. Still going strong 17 years married this May (but have been together a total of 22 years) You're advice was spot on! Age isn't the main issue in marriage but knowing your partner, communicating, giving each other room to grow, and keeping your love and respect for each other as you foundation is what leads to successful marriages.
I think we are only just getting out of the tradition of marrying before having kids, and treating people born out of wedlock like something under a shoe. Im happy to have been born in 1990's and not going through the stuff that happened to people decades before i was born. I have a feeling people married young mostly because they couldnt control their desires for one another any longer. Im sure shows like Call The Midwife arent that accurate, but it is/was a good insight for me on what life was like for many people who didnt "follow the rules".
I personally do not see much of a problem with early sex and booty blindness to be honest, because falling in love is blinding anyways, also when you hold off with the sex. To me the most intuitive way of falling in love and engaging in physical intimacy is before getting committed, but that comes with the following: when I am in love and considering commitment, anything that brings me closer to the other person will be good. Getting to know one another, being real with eachother, discovering our weaknesses and insecurities - to me that is what will create closeness, and my love blindness and booty blindness will let me explore those through rosy eyes. Also, physical intimacy is very vulnerable and makes you look beyond the pretty outside and get to know one another in the most human way possible while still admiring one another. So to me, sex doesnt need to be postponed until after commitment but is part of the process of infatuation and exploration.
I agree with your advice. In my case, I'm 27 and about to have my first year anniversary with my wife this month. Due to life challenges at a young age (Started at 8) I was always more mature than the other kids, and naturally I became more reserved, to the point of telling myself as I grew older that "My first kiss needs to be deserved and reserved". So I dated a lot of girls without ever having my first kiss. I met my wife when I was 18 and we had a 3 year friendship, that later evolved into dating for 5 years and a half. I had my first kiss at 21 with her when we became a couple since we knew each other well. I knew from the start that I met my match, with a reserved and mature woman that is as determined as I am in our passions, which ended up being shared passions over time. We also chose to not have physical intimacy until we got married to strengthen the relationship more instead of the attraction. So in total we've been in each other's lives for 9 years and a half, and been together for 6 and a half, we got to see each other in different "lights": How we were in public, how we were with family, friends and strangers, how we were alone, how we were in tragedy and in difficult challenging times, and most importantly, how we supported and stayed loyal to each other. Most people say the first years of being married are tough, yet, it's been a breeze for us since we are always in sync, sometimes we even forget that we're just now celebrating our first year together married. I got married young, but because in my situation, we were ready for it.
I had several therapists tell me I needed to “grow up, get married, have children.” But one…. RELENTLESSLY pushed that! To the point where whenever I was proud of something I did, if it wasn’t “adulting related,” he would be gravely disappointed He’d bluntly tell me “Brandon, you need. To. Grow. Up!” “You need to find a woman to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH! And you NEED to have children. It’s part of growing up, and you cannot escape it” He would even get mad at me for not dating women I wasn’t interested in. “But you said she’s nice! She’s mature, and she was clearly interested in you. Why didn’t you ask her out?! You can’t know right away that you’re not interested in her. Besides, attraction doesn’t matter. Heck, if anything, attraction is a red flag. Kindness and maturity matter. Excitement doesn’t. And having children will become your excitement”
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As a 29 year old, I'm a vastly different person than I was at 21. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian home and went to Christian college, and lots of couples were getting engaged and married right after school. I am so grateful I gave myself time to learn and grow into who I am. Still single, but I am happy with myself and I know what I want in a relationship. I also unlearned a lot of unhealthy people pleasing and merging with other people's wants to earn approval.
Good for you ! I too went to a church based college. I saw so many young adults just rushing into relationships all twitterpated only to fail in 4-5 years. Its truly a bad thing when people rush into relationships without truly getting to know a person.
@@HosCreates Agreed. I think it's easy to think you're in love and overlook red flags when you are desperate for love and think it's the gateway to the only life you were made for (marriage, family). I know some great couples from college that continued to change and grow together, and some that ultimately grew in different directions and split. But in retrospect for me, I feel like it would have been a nightmare based on the kind of guys I was interested in at the time, and my tendency to go with whatever the other person wanted 😂💀
Ok that is one side of the coin and it is great, but biological clock is ticking and if a female wanting children of her own would wait until 30, it could be too late. It is perfect for everybody else, but for a girl wanting her own kids, not so much. Meanwhile men can get a girl pregnant even in their 40'-50'. But unfortunately world is not fair
Question for you, as someone who also was raised deeply in conservative/Christian environments and also went to a Christian school, do you believe part of the so many people rushing into relationships and getting married was, not to be blunt, sex? There was often the huge connotation of sex before marriage is wrong, sinful, but, hey, we are college aged people, we all want it… and I noticed and got the general sense many were rushing into things so they could, well, have someone they could have an intimate relationship with free from scrutiny from the community, rather than just love
Boy do I relate to you! I feel like I couldve written this comment. I don't regret waiting at all. Good for you, I wish you well.
I had to delete my social media because it felt like everyone I knew was falling in love, getting engaged, married, and having children. Comparison was a very real problem for me, so hearing your honest takes on relational issues means a lot!
I'm in my early 20s and sooo many of my friends of the same age are getting married and having babies. I have no desire whatsoever to get married but it still sometimes makes me question what the heck I'm doing 😅 When everybody else is doing something it's hard not to look at it and feel weird for not doing it too, even if it's not even something I want.
To see (this) gives me comfort!
Woof, this is a whole mood. I couldn't tell you why, but seeing people I know getting engaged/married sets off a trigger for me. I don't like to think I have an aversion to getting married, but I'd love an explanation as to why I get triggered upon seeing people making these announcements via the socials.
I'm in my 30s and definitely feel this. The average age for women in the U.S. to get married is 28, so that's comforting. 🙄 But honestly, it really comes down to staying committed to you and your path. I have so many friends who are married or in committed relationships. But I've embraced who I am and being single so much that it doesn't bother me as much anymore. You only need YOU to be a whole person. Remember that. This past year was hard as I had to desensitize myself to the notion that I'm incomplete without a partner and fell in love with myself along the way. That's how you ultimately survive and find true happiness. I have a wonderful, fulfilling life and know exactly who I am. I likely won't get married now until my late 30s or 40s, but that's because I don't seek out dating too much and also refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve. Finding a true life partner is harder for some than for others. For those in my life who have already found their person, I've decided to be happy for them. They no longer have to go through the struggle of dating, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Stay single.. get a dog.. gives those married people on social media a bit of time... the majority will be miserable in their marriages. Trust me...
I got into my first relationship at 21, and we got married when I was 24, a little over a year ago. I obviously married young, but so far I have no regrets. I know myself, I know him, and I know we’re headed in the same direction. Honestly, I think the secret to a good marriage can be boiled down to this: there’s no special magic that makes romantic relationships different from other relationships. They feel slightly different because they make you experience a different cocktail of hormones (especially at the start), but really, they run on the same stuff as every other relationship. Trust. Mutual affection. Laughter. Tolerance. Lots and lots of communication.
I had that pretty much figured out before getting into a relationship, which is a big reason I’ve been able to make my first (romantic) relationship work.
Thank you for this comment! I'm 23 right now and planning a wedding for June. I'll be very close to turning 24. However, we've been dating for 3 years. We've known each other since elementary school. We've been close friends since our senior year of high school. He's extremely committed to me, and sometimes videos like this end up freaking me out a bit. I'm used to over thinking every important decision, and it's hard not to fall back into that mindset of second-guessing everything.
Good luck to you both in your marriages! I got married when I was 23. I am 29 now, and we had our 5 year anniversary in May. We had another factor to our relationship, we were long distance, him England, me the US. I was very frank with him early on about what I wanted from a relationship, and we started our relationship from a place of similar values and some shared interests, so we were good there. I 100% made the right decision, and he is a great partner. We have a 13 month old now, and she has been a challenge, but I’m so glad my husband is putting so much in to raising our daughter.
We only waited just over a year to get married, but he visited me for 3 months, and we were very explicit early on about what we needed from our relationship and what our flaws are, etc (and we had to wait another year for him to immigrate to the US after getting married). This would not work for everyone, but we are both very introspective and honest.
@@rachelle2227 Thank you! This gives me hope for the future. :) So many comedians like to make fun of marriage nowadays that it starts to get a little nerve-wracking.
I've been in my first romantic relationship for over a year and a half. I'm 23 and he's 20 and we're pretty sure we'll be spending the rest of our lives together. We've been living together for almost a year, but still taking things slow since I have my own things to work through and we're both really young
@@rachelle2227 oh my goodness. I didn’t get into it in my comment because it was already long enough, but hi, same exact boat. I’m Swedish, he’s Canadian. We’ve been long distance for over three years now, though we’ve been able to live together for several periods of 1-5 months. And now, a little over a year into our marriage, he’s finally received his Swedish residence permit and is in the final stages of moving here!
We met online and were friends for almost a year before getting together, so we also got into this relationship knowing that we had shared interests, values and goals, and with the understanding that we could only make an LDR work if we took it seriously from the start. It also neatly sidestepped the booty blindness Jonathan talked about, since we knew we were otherwise compatible before we even had the chance to meet 😂
It’s always really nice to read about other LDR couples that make it, and especially right now. Leaving his life and family is hitting him harder than either of us expected (for a few different reasons), and that combined with the general stress of organising a transatlantic move is making this period really emotionally wrought for both of us. So thank you for writing your comment-I really needed to read it. I can’t wait to get to where you are now.
My mother married at fourteen and my grandmother at 16. Both marriages ended in bitter divorce. My husband's mother married at 16, and his great-grandmother married at 13. His mother's marriage ended in divorce; his great-grandmother was trapped out in the middle of nowhere and we don't know whether she wanted to stay put or not. He and I dated for two years and then married at 29 for me, 28 for him. Even though we had many other indicators against us, we're still happily married 38 years later. I'd say it was worth the wait.
Oh lord those aren't young marriages those are child marriages 😂
That’s another level of young
Out of curiousity, how old was your husband's mother's husband? How old was his great-grandmother's husband?
Yes. That too is relevant information for context.
@@Mistyfaery I don't know on that side. I do know on my family's side my father was 16 at his wedding and so was his father before him.
What country/culture was this?
I married at 21, before finishing college, and it worked well for us. Married longer than we were single now... But being young wasn't the secret sauce. Nor was the secret "a love for the ages". It was finding the right partner, common values, open communication, and stubborn commitment to working out the issues.
Yeah!
Communication is key! Totally agree!
You're partner is someone you can (and should) talk about everything with!
Talking about you base morals not only allows you to match up, but also explore the minutia of those morals that maybe you didn't realize were important to you.
And don't get married until you feel comfortable about those moral agreements and differences, or just because you've been together for a set amount of time.
There's a reason they say you should marry your "best friend"
I had my first child at 36, and my second at 40. Late, I know, but fertility issues. Half of me is really glad for the wisdom, and the other half laments the lack of energy and stamina.
I'm 35 and pregnant. I'm glad i waited but i wish i had had the money and mental health to have kids younger
@@whittenaw I hope you have a smooth, easy birth.
I’m 32, I’ve found my man, but we still can’t buy a house or get married. We want those things before having kids but I’m terrified of waiting. I’m sorry, I just needed to share.
Congratulations to you both on your kids.
@@eride79 we found it very valueable to have had many years together being just a couple before becoming parents. Also, the wisdom and ressources gained helped a lot in becoming the attentive and solid parents we wanted to be. I wish you all the best in your journey!
I never felt the need or rush to getting married. Nearly everyone in my family married quite young. I just turned 34 and my now husband 35 last month and we just got married 3 weeks ago. I'm glad I waited to know we both love and respect one another for our commitment 😊 granted we were together for 7 years (COVID did postpone for a while) but glad we waited nonetheless
Congratulations on the nuptials
@@sameaston9587 Thank you very much for the congratulatory wishes 😊
I wanted to get married at 25. When I was younger I was convinced that was the perfect age for it. Now I'm nearing 45 and I've never been married. I haven't dated much either. But right now I'm dating the most wonderful man and have been for about 4 and a half years. People ask why we aren't married yet and to be honest, we weren't ready. I have finally worked through most, if not all, the trauma in my life and I'm ready to say yes if he proposes. I don't know if he's ready, or if he ever will be but what I do know is that I wasn't ready at 25.
My advice. Marry when you found your person. Am 29 and have not yet met him yet. But if I had met him before now I would definitely have married earlier. Made sure it’s a good person, your morals align, and you have talked about hard topics.
Is it possible to find your person as a child? And grow to love them.
Thank you for this! Still never married in my late 30s and so sick of married couples saying things like “when you’re ready God will bring someone “ I think they mean it kindly but it implies that married people have reached some level of maturity and wholeness that us poor singles just haven’t, which is pretty anguish inducing especially looking at how unstable and immature some of the married people I know are.
I think this was one of my biggest issues with singleness for a long time was how it was often as regarded as someone needing to almost go through the 12 trials of Hercules to be proven worthy to date someone or marry. I think really it’s more to do with just what’s in your life right now. Going to school, visiting places, or even just living on your own. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a test or milestone to prove worthiness and THEN you are much more levelheaded, adult, and sage-like in order to be with someone. No, sometimes you’re in Utah writing a book and they’re in Glasgow working on cars and it has nothing to do with not being mature enough, you just have other things in your life until that timeline happens. You can meet someone at 21 or 31, and you could very well have been ready at 21 too, but time and space makes interesting stories that don’t have to do with maturity or worthiness. Speaking from experience, church members could tell me once I reached a level of maturity that I would meet someone. However, I could get a masters in theology, go on missions, pray sincerely and with pure intentions and faith, and I still would have to accept the uncertainty that maybe I meet someone or maybe I don’t. It’s ambiguous grief, but I can be at peace with it.
I hope I made sense lol, I’ll stop rambling now.
@@janemerrick2936
No, I get you completely, and understand where you are coming from. You said it all perfectly and expressed my own thoughts very thoroughly.
Go out and get stop waiting for G-d 😅
I am a religious person and I wouldn’t say that God brings you someone when you’re ready. I got married at 19 to someone who then was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. He was insanely abusive and I lasted all of 18 months. Many people said God WANTED me to go through that. It was His plan. And I fully disagree. I think God took that trial and made it something good, but I cannot believe a loving God would want anyone to go through what I did. I shortly after found my current husband. I mean like 3 months after getting free from my ex. I didn’t want to rush into anything, but this wonderful human was dropped right in front of me. So we dated for 5 years, got married a year after that, and I’m 30 now and it’s been truly wonderful. Do I think God gave me him when I was ready? Absolutely not. I had him years before I was emotionally ready for a relationship. I think it was just dumb luck and I was blessed to have someone who was willing to wait for me to go through years of therapy to be the type of partner I wanted to be.
All that to say, I think we are given opportunities in life and it is our call what we do with those opportunities. Sure it’s wonderful to believe God will give us someone when we’re ready, but if we’re already ready and there aren’t good options, we shouldn’t proceed. If we aren’t yet ready we may be presented a near perfect match for us. I mean … God gives us free will and He can use things to bring Him glory, but ultimately it’s always going to be our call and our assessment of the situation.
@@anonymouscommenter6829 thank you for your kind words. It was pretty hard to hear at the time, but it was harder to be told that I wasn’t worthy of marrying again because God didn’t agree with my divorce (regardless of the scriptures I found solitude in). I think part of life is doing the best you can with what you’re given and learning from everything. My husband certainly was a blessing to have while I was healing, and I’m not sure I would be where I am today as quickly without him.
I once read somewhere that the smaller the organism the faster the heart rate
The faster the heart rate, the slower the perception of time
This thought came to mind when perceiving the whole “three months seemed a long time when younger”
The argument for being a fully realized adult in a long term relationship carries the weight that youthful impulsivity cannot match
Nicely Done
My husband and I started "dating" in junior high at age 14. We got married at age 18. We are still very happy together 25 years later. It is not for everyone, but we had a rough upbringing, and we knew what we were doing more at age 18 than a lot of people do at age 40. We also waited to be intimate until marriage, and I think that made a difference for us. I would not change a thing about it. But I also wouldn't recommend it for most people.
I'm asexual, single and my goal is to stay that way and live alone with a bunch of cats, but I watch these videos because I'm also a writer and this is very useful information so I can build realistic relationships and characters in my story. Thank you!
You sound too young.
@@DiamondsRexpensive I'm 29.
@@luvamiart8567 you're young! but not too young to know what you want. Kitties need a good home!
Cats are good.
Me and my bf wanna adopt thogeter and foster. 😊
@@luvamiart8567 haha. What an idiot who replied to you. Young or not, no one questions someone who goes on the typical path. Your choices deserve to be respected haha.
I'm a birth doula and I work almost exclusively with first time parents. I have not seen a 20-something couple in a loooooonnnngggg time. From my limited perspective, it seems to me that the general trend right now is to wait to get married and/or have children in your 30s. I even see quite a few 40 year olds. Versus some of the really young couples I've worked with, the older couples seem much more grounded and happy overall.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 22. We started dating at 16, and we were in conservative families. They wanted us to get married young (his mom "jokingly"said she would sign off if we wanted to get married at 17) but I knew I wanted to experience life, including not going straight from my parents house to a marital house. We married at 24. I think for us it was a good age because of the time we put into it. But man, have we both grown as people A LOT since then.
I got really good advice from an older couple: marry old enough that you each know yourselves as individuals, but young enough that you don't harden to companionship.
Hubby and I got married when I was 30, and hadn't been intimate with anyone (by choice, no religious motivation). It worked better for us, specifically, but we also were together for several years, first. He was absolutely worth the wait and it's year 14 for us this year. ❤
My coworker knew his wife for a month before they got hitched. They've officially been married a year for every day they were dating! They're relationship goals and totally still flirt when they pass each other at work. 👩❤️👨👴👵
Your mileage will absolutely vary!
Just want to say thank you for this video! I'm 28 years old and have yet to date much less marry. The way our culture romanticizes young love left a part of me feeling embarrassed and I leaned mostly on the fact that my parents didn't marry until their early 30's and that they have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen. It's refreshing to hear someone else say that waiting and taking things slow is still totally valid.
Maybe you’re not meant to be married too. Most people don’t think about that
I met my husband when we were 16 years old and waited until we were in our mid 20s to get married. We got backlash from religious family members, but I honestly don't regret it. We were young and dumb and only wanted things for ourselves, and we both knew getting married young wasn't for us. We wanted to be better people for ourselves and find out what we truly wanted before settling down.
Why were your religious family members upset?
@@lovenkind8180 probably because most religious communities believe sex before marriage to be a sin, and when people date that long, it’s inevitable. Or maybe not. But there’s a lot of pressure on young people to marry, many of whom have only dated one person in their life, which is often a recipe for disaster.
Yes, it’s less about age and more about emotional maturity. If you have the wisdom and insight it takes to handle that deep and committed of a relationship with another person and your partner is the same way, it wouldn’t matter if you were young. That’s just a really rare thing for both people to be in the same place mentally or close to it.
I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 19. We were friends for a long time. When we both found ourselves single we decided to start a casual relationship. 3 months in we both knew it was no longer casual.
We still waited years before getting married. I don't think we would have lasted if we got married sooner only because we would have caved to the pressure to have kids immediately. Our kids have by far been the biggest struggle in our marriage so far. We still love each other, but having kids changes every aspect of your life, including how you relate to one another, and there's nothing that can really prepare you for that change.
very true. my husband and I waited 2 years before having a child. and its harder to have a conversation without the kids now wanting to put in their 2c. 🙄
I didn't marry until 37. I didn't feel like I knew myself until my early 30s and then I started dating my best friend. I knew within a few months that I wanted to marry him. And its been the best.
I got married at 27 back in 2020. I don't think it was the right time for us, but we've worked hard on our relationship in the last 3 years and come out stronger. My wife and I had been engaged for 5 years, so the plan had already been to get married. I got laid off on April 1st and we were married the 11th in our driveway by one of her coworkers with just my parents-in-law and my sister-in-law present. Crazy how situations can make you feel like you have no choice. All that said, I love my wife very much and I wouldn't trade her for the world
I completely agree with you! My 26 year old daughter is just now finishing her education, and she's worried that she's not married yet, like many of girls who she knows who are married and having children now. Your video perfectly explains the reason why it's not wise to rush into marriage. I will have her watch your video to make her feel better. Thanks so much!!
26 isn't old ! 25 is when your brain is fully developed. many people in my area who are middle class and above are waiting to get married
Yeah, in our community, it is common to wait until your 30ies.
I’m getting ready to finish my education, I’m a 28 year old woman. She’s been fed this narrative of artificial scarcity. I see this manufactured anxiety prevalent in heterosexual culture.
I've always thought, I would get married some day... but now I realize that I am aromantic and that really changes perspective. My entire world view and self-view is shattered. But it is exciting, because now I have the opportunity to think outside the box and find other forms of living with different forms of companionship, that better fit who I really am
Me too! I spent my youth knowing I was bound to get married because that’s what people did. Ugh. I wasn’t excited about it, though. I think girls are supposed to plan dream weddings and stuff and my fantasies when I was forced to have them were about what shortcuts I could take to save money. I found out what Aro/Ace was when I was 40 and suddenly the whole world made sense.
Married at 21, eight years and three kids later, no regrets.
You have to be willing to grow together, and change with each other.
My husband and i got married at 23
I think we were quite young at that time. we've been married for almost 6 years. I agree with Jono, marry when it feels right for you. When you found the right person and when you are ready to invest in that marriage. A lot of my friends are not married yet and that's okay (although in my culture, women are usually expected to be marries by the time they are 25)
I knew I'd marry my partner when I was 22. But i waited til 26 anyway 😁 still together at 29. No regrets.
My 11th grade English teacher, on a poem I turned in about my boyfriend, told me I was too young to know what love was. Well, we’ve been together for nearly 20 years, married for 18, and the only thing I have to say to her is, “Date smarter, not harder.” I dated one other guy because of peer pressure. I refused dating all the other guys who asked because I knew them. I knew this guy was a jerk and he showed it to me more after we were dating. I rebounded with my husband. We had a long distance relationship for 15 months as teenagers. We got married at 18 and 20. Is he the man I married? No, absolutely not, he’s better. And I’m not the woman he married, either. That’s supposed to happen. We grow and change together. Sometimes his job takes him away for a 9-15 months and we get to know each other again as these different people with the only expectation being that we’re in a committed relationship no matter how much we’ve changed from the people we were. Marriage is really an endurance test, after all.
I read it as you've been married to your English teacher for 18 years at first
I remember when I was 19 and went to college and I thought “this is it! This is where I meet my one true love!” But I remember a couple of years later I looked back and laughed at how immature I was. So, every year on my birthday I decided I would do a “self inventory”. I would take stock of how I had changed over the year, and what stayed the same. If I felt like I had changed a lot, I knew I wasn’t ready yet to get seriously involved. But once I hit 27 I looked back on the last 2 years of my life and thought “yeah, my perspective has remained relatively unchanged since I was 25.” And THATS how I knew I was ready to START dating seriously. Haha not that it’s happened yet though. I’m now 29 and decided to go back to school so it’s not a major priority 😂
As someone who married my husband at 23 nearly 9 years ago: I had already made that fundamental change of who I was and wasn't, I didn't need to wait longer to find myself. I think that's the difference: if you know yourself, you know what you want in a partner. When you find it, you don't have to wait.
Got married at 44. It wasn't on my radar much, honestly. Most of my life was spent not dating/not being interested in all that.
I remember back in highschool my friend said she wanted to get married and start a family before 25. I still found it unreasonable because most of our young adulthood is taken up by college but I did still have the same desire to find love young. We were just teenagers so 25 sounded like a big number then and we had the fear of imagining life beyond that because of ageism. At least for women, we're only as valuable as our youth so we felt like we needed to find love and settle down while it lasted.
I'm turning 24 now and I'm relieved that I never acted on my desperation for romantic relationships (even if my reason was just because I was busy and insecure). I only recently felt actualized in who I am and I'm still growing. I can't imagine anyone who isn't toxic or vulnerable themselves actually being attracted to any younger version of me lmao. I feel a lot more secure now that I don't even seek dating (back then, I think I just wanted dependency) but I also know that if and when I am willing to date, it'd be when I am the best version of myself for the people who'll meet me.
We met in our late teens, dated for a year and a half, were engaged for a year and a half, and got married shortly after he turned 21 (I'm 6 months older). The first two years weren't easy, but we figured a lot out. The next eight years were good. The last two years, in response to a lot of life stress, our marriage has been amazing. Debt free at 33.
I had a perfect plan in mind for my life. I'd meet my husband in college, get married at like 24-25 (giving myself a few extra years seeing as my parents got married at 22 after dating for 3 months and being engaged for 6 months), have my first kid at 28, have my second and last kid at 30. Well, turns out I didn't meet my husband until I was 26, married at 28. Whoops.
Thank you for this. The "you're ready when you've worked through your traumas" line hit me particularly hard. I guess it's time to stop putting it off. 😅
I have been with my husband for 11 years now. We are high school sweethearts and married at 23 & 21. We’ll be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this summer. I wouldn’t have had it any other way ❤️
You pulled a Thanos with your snap! Immediately went to an ad! 😂
Mi abuelita gave me the greatest advice i could ever get in this regard. Enjoy living by yourself for a while. marry a bit later
My partner and I have been dating for 5 years, but we are young (21). I feel like I'm fighting all of my instincts not going faster. Just trying to remind myself that there are so many milestones that fly by in the first stages of a relationship and we just get extra time to savor each one. I still get all the joys of a committed relationship just without the ring.
I got married at 30 and it's been a wonderful 18 yrs so far!
I work as a college counselor and I recommend this book all the time! So glad it’s mentioned on here!
My father married young and urged me to get married when I was secure in my career. He died in 1999…he was ahead of the curve.
I got married to a narcissist at 25 who actually managed to keep the mask up for more than 12 months. Ended up divorced at 28 in financial and emotional ruin isolated 10000 km away from my family. I am not sure how I could have mentally prepared myself for this possibility since it was all green flags for a long time. It was definitely a learning experience and I view people and relationships very differently now. When I look at my students (late teens, early twenties) I see a lot of innocence and optimism regarding relationships which is something that an abuser would surely look for. Getting older has the side effect that you have more scars and experiences which give you a more sceptical outlook on the people you meet. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing.
Thanks for your guidance. I personnaly already thought it is better to wait get to know the other one, but I asked myself "how can we be sure we're ready" and it's true that we're never fully ready for anything, but it doesn't mean it's not the right time. I'm 23, i'm gonna wait to heal from my traumas and to be more confident about myself but your way to put the idea of getting married is reassuring.
I'm in the same boat as you. 23 and working through trauma. My boyfriend is really loving and supportive, but I definitely need to work through my own issues before I feel ready to take that big step in life
I got married at 19 to my 21 year old boyfriend. We knew each other over almost 2 years (15-17) and dated a year before he proposed and then got married 9 months later. We've been married going on 12 years and we're still very Happy. We got lucky
Knowing each other for two years seems definitely critical in maturing the relationship beyond the norm.
@@DoloresJNurss my boyfriend and I decided at the beginning that we wanted to date for at least 2 years. Part of this is due to my own childhood trauma, since my mom married my stepdad after only 4 months of meeting him, and I didn't see the emotional abuse start to happen until a year into their marriage. I think 2 or 3 years is how long it can take to truly get to know someone, especially if you live with them.
@@leahtheanimationfan40 Smart lady!
married my hubby at 31, we've been together almost 12 years. married after 4 years. no regrets
My mother met my dad within *days* of her high school graduation. She told me many times that the moment she first saw him (before she even knew his name), she thought "that's the man I'm going to marry." She was still 17, he had turned 19 a few months earlier. They got married late that August, and were married for 52 years and change, until she died this past October. They had an amazing marriage (ups & downs, of course, but always committed).
I married relatively young too: I married my spouse after we'd dated for about a year, but we'd known each other since I was 8 (we got married a couple of months after I turned 22). We're coming up on 29 years this summer, & yes, if you're doing the math, that means I turn 51 in about 2 months. :D Unless our various health concerns put a stop to it, it looks like we're well on our way to our own Golden Anniversary.
OTOH, so! many! of my friends from high school got married during or shortly after high school, and almost none of them are still with their first spouse. The difference? I have no idea, other than that I suspect a lack of in-depth conversations during the dating period about what they both want. I definitely think those conversations are absolutely required, regardless of how old the potential spouses are.
1) Marriage is not a necessity.
2) The horrors of divorce far outweigh the joys of a wedding day.
3) Everything in between is identical to not being married.
I love how you mentioned keep both eyes open and keep our brains throughout the process of becoming someone’s friend etc. Unfortunately, this is not shared as often as it should
I’d like to see you guys do a video on healthy relationships where one person has multiple mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, ptsd etc. but where the other person does not have clinically diagnosed mental health issues
yess
YES
One really big obvious thing I say is that marriage is a legal contract in addition to being about love. If you don't want to tie yourself to that person's financial choices, don't get married.
But I'd love to see you do a rundown of reasons *not* to get married.
Yes! Marriage is often only seen as a romantic milestone, but it has significant legal consequences.
Yup! In some instances like for paperwork I think some folks try to pressure people into this when they aren't ready or don't want to. I had a coworker tell me a story about a neighbor of hers at one point that basically asked if she would marry their cousin for paperwork for immigration, and like followed it up with comments about how she could just live her own life still and they just needed the paperwork submitted and etc. Totally transactional not even mentioning the legal ramifications let alone the process of having your relationship being questioned for legitimacy in the interview processes. She said no but the fact people come here and treat it that transactionally is quite sad and disrespectful to game the system.
@sintofg that's creepy but also scary. If anyone were to jump right in and agree, once a divorce is considered, there could be a fight on who gets what. Especially what would be in her bank account.
I read before a marriage, get prenuptial agreements so that what's yours is yours and what's theirs is theirs.
@@maylin1986 I think a prenup makes only sense in certain cases. Actually, the default situation (everything both earn during the marriage belongs to both equally) is making sure, that if one partner helps the other in their career, like taking a step back from their own career to shoulder the domestic work for both (maternity leave, etc) / moving for their partners work / investing money etc. is reflected. You are seen as one economic unit, that makes these decisions together and earn and spend money together. But, of course, it takes a certain maturity to live that responsibly. You should also know yourself and your partner well for this kind of codependence. Certainly, you should not enter it just to have a wedding, or because it is romantic, or because you/society think you should do it at a certain age.
It’s beautiful to see healthy relationships work long term
Thanks for mentioning that holding off on sex isn't always about religion, being a "prude" or purity culture. There seems to be a culture today in dating that everyone needs to hop into bed right away. There are emotional and physical consequences to sex which people ignore in the name of "sexual freedom". Like anything in life, sometimes waiting for good things is what makes them 100 times better when you get there and make the full experience richer and more enjoyable.
Thank you for keeping it in the lane of...it depends on the couple. I am one of those who met my husband in September, first date mid-October, engaged mid-November, and married in March. I was just over a month away from turning 20, and my husband was 25 on the day of our wedding. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and are still very much in love and devoted to each other. The life we have built has not always been easy, still isn't at times. We chose the path that was right for us, but I know many who thought marrying under a similar timetable was right, and it definitely was not for them. It really does depend on the couple, not an age.
Got married at 21 to my husband. We were together since we were 15/16 but obviously knew we wanted to wait til end of college. Both our parents got married young too at ages 20/21 and 19/24 and had us right away. But we've been married for a few years now but are "out of norm" in waiting to have kids until we feel more mature in our marriage and have a few other goals down or closer to completion.
We did that. Married after college but waited til we were both in our 30s to become parents. Best of both worlds. Our boy is 4 now. 😊
My best friend is really struggle right now because she met her boyfriend when they were 17 (her) and 18 (him) back in 2018 and they quickly got very serious and it was her first experience of a healthy relationship and even just dating a non-abusive person... and after 2 years of dating they started planning their entire future together like a 5 year plan and they've been planning on getting engaged for 3 years now more or less. But they moved in together about a year ago and he recently stepped back from the idea of getting married cause he's realising he wants to live his student life and chill like every single one of his friends are before settling down and starting a full adult life, and she's really struggling with that idea and feels like everything is falling apart... and I kinda always saw it coming? I've been trying to tell her for years that she should be careful with how intense she is about it all (she's been saying ever since she was 19 that she was planning on being married by the time she's 23 and start having kids at 25, and they hadn't even lived together yet...) because for her it makes sense but when you're not in that mindset, it is quite impressive and daunting... I've told her many times that getting engaged before living together and seeing how they live with eachother when it's 24/7 365 days a year was not a good idea and they don't know where they're going to be at in life ina few years, if they'll have the financial stability etc but I stopped trying to talk to her on that subject cause I understood that I wasn't going to get my point through and trying to was only going to end up damaging our friendship cause I would end up overstepping and it's her life, not mine.
But now they are dealing with what I was afraid was going to happen and she's crushed... she feels lost and, I'll never tell her that, but it's kind of a big "I saw it coming but you didn't hear me out when I tried to work through it with you..."
I don't really know how to help her right now other than to tell her to try and see his point of view and give him time to see how things pan out instead of leaving right away. Cause she does love him very deeply and they can be good for eachother. I just think she put too much pressure on their relationship and tried to move too fast without stopping to make sure he was 100% on the same page (she did at first, but she's been counting on that initial agreement eversince and never really checked in again, and he was too afraid of confrontation and conflict to say anything... they both should've done things differently, but I just know her side of things more, which is why I didn't talk much about his mistakes along the way)
I personally don't believe in living together before marriage at all, but not for the reasons you think. If you think about it, most relationships aren't lasting. You'll marry one, maybe two people, in your life and the rest didn't work out for one reason or another. Not saying it's a bad thing, it's just the literal numbers logic. So just by sheer numbers, you're more likely to break up with someone than marry them. So...who moves out? Who takes what just from a moral standpoint (you can't tell me this isn't an issue, I've seen it...)?, how long had you been living together before breaking it off? The longer the relationship while living together, the worse the breakup is and no one want that kind of unnecessary drama.
I also had a friend who I believe rushed into a marriage. The guy was only her 2nd BF at 29 almost immediately after her first (call me nuts for thinking marrying any of your first few SO's is insane, I truly don't believe you've learned enough about yourself or what you want and need in a relationship within the first few), engaged not even a year later and married in even less time. I saw so many red flags apart from that. Don't know how it's going because I knew what was going to happen the moment it started moving fast. Dropped many people like a lead balloon so I haven't seen her in almost 4 years, talked only 1-3 times in 3.
I don't like to think I have an aversion to marriage...but for whatever reason finding out someone I know is engaged/married sets off a slight trigger for me and I have no idea why.
I agree, I got married myself when I was 23, but we had been together for 3 years, lived together for over 2 of those years. This year we can celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.
I am so thankful I decided to wait. I am such a different person now than I was even 2 years ago. I feel very blessed I found myself and solidified my goals and passions before I found my fiancee. We were together for just under a year before he proposed. I NEVER would have said the same thing about anyone else I had been with previously.
This feels pretty solid.
I think some of the big parts that are also at play really is not knowing yourself yet.
I'm 25 and engaged. I grew up in a marry young and fast culture, but my parents were divorced, and I have been bullied my whole life in that culture because of it. So I spent my whole life studying what makes healthy relationships and focusing on myself, my own healing and acknowledging what I would need from a relationship. I got checking for compatability down to a calculating science to the extent that I've only really been with my now fiance, but we've been together for 8 years.
Since being together, I have come to terms with being ace, bi, nb, and that I don't have to be able to do everything. That, it's okay that my trauma prevents me from cooking and cleaning because I can do other things my fiance struggles with, like planning and organization. It's okay for us to pick up where the other can't.
Finding myself has been one of the biggest shifts in our relationship, and I'm glad I found someone who is supportive and compatible with me in those ways. I can't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't.
I know many people who only started to recognize and come to terms with lgbt+ aspects of themselves after high school and what that means for them and their relationships. We do a massive disservice to people by not being educated, aware, and understanding of the lgbt+ community as it plays such a large role in relationships. Being able to identify that you like this aesthetic or that one, that you feel most comfortable presenting in this manner, that damn that's not the anatomy or hormone levels you were told you would have, that you aren't really into the whole sex thing, or that you're super into the sex thing but you just really don't do the romance thing. It all plays such a large part of relationships that it sets people back from living their best life because they just don't know and don't have the words for it. If more people knew and just accepted that this is just descriptor words for a person's experience, it'd be a lot easier to actually find what you're compatible with.
Wow you said a lot❤😂
It's not about the age, it's about taking the time to find the right partner and who will share your core values. My husband and I started dating at 20 (while living 5hrs apart) moved in together at 22 and married at 25, but I consider we were lucky we found each other. 11 years into the marriage and we been through some tough stuff, health wise, still going through it. We're definitely not the younglings we were back then, and we are still figuring stuff out, together and individually, but it's part of growing up, we'll never stop changing! I don't think if we were to start our relationship today, at age 35, we would be able to make the distance thing work like we did at the beginning. I really don't know how we did it 15 years ago! The beauty of being young and irrationally in love haha! I'm glad we survived it! I consider myself very lucky.
I know I certainly regret it. Married at 18 to someone who was 21. I sorta just assumed they would grow up and be a good person... that did not happen. Divorced 11 years later and have literally never been happier.
I am 35, and I sometimes feel that I am too late to dive into any relationship.
But at the same time I feel that I am closer to myself now than I was 10 years ago. I mean, I was young, confused, traumatized and a little bit lost. I had just started to search my true inner self when I was 25! I was shattered by that time and I am sure I wouldn’t pick great partner and I wouldn’t be a great partner myself. I’d only attract the same broken person as I was.
On the other hand, as I am getting older, it seems that most great people are already taken and happily married. 😅 I don’t know what to do and what to expect. Sometimes I feel like I am as lost as I was 10, 15 years ago… and that I haven’t made any progress through years of self-improvement and healing.
This topic makes me feel so many emotions and have so many thoughts all at the same time.
I’m 19 years old and I just got engaged. My fiancé is 21. I know he is the one for me because he is my best friend and is so supportive of me and my goals. I’ve been more hesitant than I would like not due to my fiancé, but because of how the world views getting married young and the statistics. This video did make me feel a lot better because although we didn’t wait on our sexual relationship, we have spent a lot of time outside of anything physical to get to know each other. We have been together for a year and a half. He’s really helped me become more confident. We got into a car accident 3 months into our relationship and our relationship has only grown since. We won’t get married until 2025 when I graduate college but I’m so happy that he’s the one I’m going to marry.
I agree. I'm planning on getting married when I'm 30. An I been with my girlfriend for 7 years and I'm 28
So oddball here but my husband jokes (been married 11 years) that he knew date 2 because I didn’t have a filter. I came in and did his dishes, I cooked because I enjoy it. I told him that I had a bad day and needed support or for him to leave. We got married when I was 21 and he was 28 but the reason why we worked was I never looked at my relationships as needing to be lovey. I looked at it as a partnership and could I see myself marrying them. He jokes that we just clicked but it is also that we walked into starting a relationship as building a partnership and not about the romance from day one
Married at 21, started a family at 23, finished having kids by 29, now 40 and loving going on dates with hubby while the kids are busy with their friends/extracurriculars.
Listening to our friends talk about dating, marriage or becoming a parent now (early 40s) sounds so fraught (emotional baggage, kids from previous relationships, vastly different financial positions, set in their ways, etc) and makes me glad I got lucky and found someone whose life goals and brand of crazy matched mine early on, I know not everyone is that lucky.
My husband and I got married at 20 and 21 after knowing each other for 3 months. I don't regret it and would do it over and over again in a heartbeat. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and we have built a great life together. When you know, you know. But at any age it takes a lot of hard work and dedication for sure.
I had so many insecurities before 26, when I reached 26 is when I felt I was finally matured and confident in my own skin and had developed my goals.
I don’t think there’s any arbitrary numbers when it comes to marriage, me and my wife married young, but we were together 6 years before getting engaged, we’ve been married 5 years and together for 12.
I think as you said it depends on the person/situation. I got married at 23 after meeting my husband at 19. We are 28 now and we are so happy together. We are really happy we made that decision when we did because we have grown even closer and love eachother as much as ever. Also the dating scene seems like a nightmare nowadays so we're glad we dodged that bullet
I would say it depends on the person. I know many people in my family who married young and either are miserable or got divorced, some just grew apart and some are still very happy.
My fiance and I met when I was about 24 and he was 20. We are both rather rational people and knew pretty fast we wanted to get married (got engaged one year into the relationship). But we also knew that we didn't want to rush and do it "properly" (I know "proper" differs for every person) so we both first finished our education, moved in with each other and have now, after 7 years (5 years living together) reached a point where we are about to actually plan a wedding and such. At this point were are already leading a married life aside from actually being married but I believe it is important to see how your lives and goals fit before doing this last step. Especially living together, cause you might work great while living apart and as soon as this last bit of space is gone it might all crash down.
As someone who got married at 24 and it's on very, very rocky ground three and a half years later, neither of us were over our own crap enough.
So I made a friend (f) that I met shortly after graduating high school. This guy moved into our church and we both had a crush on him. I was telling her about how I thought that he was cute and she told me to ask him out, but I never did. Anyways, those two ended up getting married when my friend was about 19. I have no idea how their marriage is going, good or bad, still married or divorced, we haven't kept in touch. I am still single at age 27, which is interesting because I thought I would get married young. Anyways, I just think it's interesting that peoples lives can be so different and everyone takes different paths and gets married (if they do) at different ages.
My dads parents married each other when they were 17, but my parents didn't get married until my dad was 33 and my mom was 28. Everybody is different and there is no "right" age at which to get married.
It depends on the people. A 20 year old can be more mature then a 40 year old. School, living situation, money, careers are all variables. Everyone is different.
Totally agree with the advice. I'd add that if you're waiting, make sure you leave time and room to grow together. If you're 100% ok by yourself, will this relationship be helpful to you both? I met mine at 22. Wanted a casual sexual relationship, but after 2 months that wasn't really our dynamic. Got engaged after 4 months, which was nuts. Got married at 24. Too soon? Maybe. We were both working through some things and were broke as a joke. But we grew together and the partnership and friendship which developed out of that was better for both of us.
As a 30 year year old. I’m the same person I was at age 14…. Mentally disabled.
I reread my diary and I feel I was smarter and more wise back then. But then I realize I was just more in control of my mental illness and my mental disability wasn’t as bad.
I regressed so terribly as I aged.
I found Cinema Therapy and thus your own channel a little bit after i had quite a traumatic experience while ending a relationship of four years. I had fallen for him when I was just 16 and we had a lot of our firsts together, both of us really thought we were going to make our life together as well. Long story short, after the first year it was a complete chaos. When I broke up with him, he sent me the ring he was planning to give me after turning 21 to become engaged. And GOD, that fucked me up so much. I had already relapsed ( of depression) before the whole thing happened, so after it I had a su*cide attempt because I thought i was destroying his dreams and our future and i couldn't live with the guilt of doing that to someone i loved so deeply.
Even though it hurt like hell, I'm so glad I ended things with him. Seeing your reactions made me aware of so many things that were wrong. I spent months trying to re-learn how to love and trying to see myself in a better light, and listening to you was something that gave me a lot of hope and reassurance while doing so. DEFINITELY MARRY WHEN YOU ARE READY, but even more so, love when you feel ready as well. Specially when we are young emotions can be too much and most of time i think we don't really respect our boundaries and wishes because we are constantly looking for experiences that makes us feel big things. I didn't even know what i wanted to do with my life when i began that relationship, so maintaining it ultimately became our goal in the long run. And that is not love. Not at all. It's been about two years and recently I started a new relationship in which i'm really happy. Going back to your videos, specially those in which you talk about love and healthy couples, makes me feel now warm inside because I can relate to them. It's new, so of course i feel crazy in love and already have started talking about the future with my partner, but because we are both respectful of our goals and expectations, even if I feel like i want to marry them right in the spot I know it's not something we need or should do as of now. I think the idea of marriage should come naturally once you feel in the right place to do so, and not something you set as an objective or a goal with an age as a deadline.
This turned to be quite a big comment already, but really i just wanted to thank you for being such a loving and reassuring person. I love your content and I kinda wanted this to be a reminder of the way you help and give love to people. You are special and I hope you feel just as loved as you love others too. ♥︎
I married young. But I'd like to think we married smart. We dated for 6 years before tying the knot and have been with each other through a lot. We weren't that mature. Had a lot of insecurities to work through. But did it together with an open mind, consideration, and kindness for each other. With god's grace, we are doing great! Ever since we started watching your videos, it helps us do a little pre-emptive care as well. We have conversations to continue learning how to love the changing versions of each other. Thank you (and cinema therapy)!
The right time is never.
My husband and I met @ 17, married @ 22, still happily together 18yrs later.
Despite the fact that we're very happy together, we both agree that we married way too early. We were pressured into marriage by our families but neither of us felt the need to at that moment.
Thankfully, we've both grown into ourselves side by side. We love and genuinely like one another. So happy it worked out!
I think one thing I appreciate about waiting until I was older was having a better idea of who I was and what I wanted and didn’t want. In my teens and early twenties my basis of understanding relationships was modeled after my parents and other adults in my life. But it wasn’t until dating around that I understood my own tastes and needs better. I got together with my now husband when I was 29 and we got married when I was 35. It feels a lot more stable to understand the value of steadiness and communication required to make things work after lots of trial and error in my twenties.
I’m 23 and just got out of a 2-year relationship (including engagement) after a year or so of dating around. He called it quits when I couldn’t commit. I wouldn’t because he clearly didn’t know himself yet (understandable at our young age) & wasn’t showing he’s willing to put in the work necessary for a healthy marriage. plus, we didn’t have candid enough communication for my taste. Now I’m grateful to be unhitched which feels like the freedom I needed to explore who I am and what I need & have to give in a marriage. I’m hoping that in a couple years I’ll have an clearer picture of what I need in a partner & in myself for a healthy marriage. Already since the 2-year relationship breakup, I’ve learned a tremendous amount about what I will or won’t live with in a man. I like talking to my guy friends to learn their mindsets and observe their behaviors to try to keep my idealism in check with realistic development for men in my age range.
I think the problem is that the longer you wait, the less dating is about seeing promise in someone and growing together. Instead dating starts becoming about finding a perfect match to gel with your settled self. As you date in your 30s, everyone starts coming in with checklists of must haves and red flags. In my experience people stop searching for someone who brings them joy and instead they search for perfection.
Personally marrying young worked for myself and my husband,at the start of our relationship we did alot and also experienced alot,sickness, breakdown of my parents relationship and a family members death,it meant we couldn't really put on this perfect version of ourselves and we knew that if we could go through that we can pretty much do anything together. We have been married nearly 8 years we have grown together and still treat each other the same even with kids in the mix family brought us Personally together more but again I know that marriage,kids or marrying young is not for everyone I think if you want any of those things they'll be the right time but marriage is not always the right awnser for everyone the same with kids
I married fairly young, and we’re still happy together after over 30 years. However, if the outcome could somehow be the same (meaning - I’d still end up with the same hubby and same son, but just a little later in life), I think I would’ve waited maybe 3-5 years before tying the knot and settling down. Now don’t get me wrong, I adore my husband and son, and I’m grateful every day for both of them and the life we have together as a family. What I’m saying is, I would’ve liked to have finished my educational pursuits before settling down. I also think I might’ve struggled more as a young wife and mom because I didn’t have the confidence and mindset that comes with more life experience as a young adult on my own.
Looking back, things still worked out very well for us. But I tell my son and my nieces and nephews to go have fun before settling down. Make some memories and a few (hopefully small) mistakes they can learn from and look back on. My hope for them is that they live more “in the moment”, and not miss the adventure and exploration we so briefly get as young adults. Marriage and family come along fast enough, all in their own time and with their own moments and joys. No need for hurry or worry. Good episode - thanks! ❤
I'm that lucky person who married my high school sweetheart, but we didn't marry until we were 28, and I think it was for the best. We both changed and grew a lot in those intervening years. When we finally did it, I knew we were making the commitment with much greater insight and wisdom than we could have done in our teens.
Best age to get married is after 25 yo. Prefrontal cortex finishes developing which is the part of the braid that deals with decision making. Also, the HIGHEST risk for divorce statistic is age 18-24. Coincidence? 🤔
last night my boyfriend who i thought i was going to marry broke up with me and this video has helped me realise he wasn't the one
It's wild going from watching Love is Blind to this. I think they have less than 2 months from meeting to marriage. I married my husband at 21, but we had been dating 4 years by then and knew we were going to be married at some point. I do think a big factor was that we were mature for our age. Coming up on our 10th anniversary now and still going strong.
HAHA literally just finished the episodes and I keep thinking "this is NOT enough time to truly know someone! 3 months at least!" But I hope it works out for some of them 😅 On these kind of shows I feel like it's just a total crapshoot whether or not what they say actually will match their actions in real life.
8:25 Completely agree, my partner and I started dating the week before the pandemic and so I didn’t even hold hands with him for 7 months and that allowed us to build a really strong friendship. We’re still pretty young so I’m gonna wait till my brain is fully developed 😅
I got a really simple message from this: getting married young isn’t a bad thing, but marrying into a young relationship is very likely to struggle later
I met my husband at 14, we started dating a few months after, and I was 20 when we got married. We celebrated 23 years together this month. Sometimes, when it’s right, it just works even if you’re kids.
there would be always someone who can break the rules. and that is humanity. that is why I really don't judge anyone because no one knows who would break the rules because most of the time there are no clues.
Married at 21. Best decision I ever made. We made all the big life-altering adult decisions together.
I married at 23 my husband was 21. But we started dating when I was 18 and he was 16. So like you said we did grow to know each other well before we married. Was it all sunshine and rainbows? Absolutely not! There were some tough times and big fights but we had that foundation of love and caring for each other that got us through. We also always worked on keeping our communication open so when we experienced big personal changes we could talk it through with each other. We married young, religious, straight, and conservative but today we are young at heart😛, atheist, left leaning, and one of us is bi. Still going strong 17 years married this May (but have been together a total of 22 years)
You're advice was spot on! Age isn't the main issue in marriage but knowing your partner, communicating, giving each other room to grow, and keeping your love and respect for each other as you foundation is what leads to successful marriages.
I think we are only just getting out of the tradition of marrying before having kids, and treating people born out of wedlock like something under a shoe. Im happy to have been born in 1990's and not going through the stuff that happened to people decades before i was born. I have a feeling people married young mostly because they couldnt control their desires for one another any longer.
Im sure shows like Call The Midwife arent that accurate, but it is/was a good insight for me on what life was like for many people who didnt "follow the rules".
As a 29 year old man who’s never had a girlfriend. Waiting is fine. But you may eventually tire of it 🤷🏻♂️
I personally do not see much of a problem with early sex and booty blindness to be honest, because falling in love is blinding anyways, also when you hold off with the sex. To me the most intuitive way of falling in love and engaging in physical intimacy is before getting committed, but that comes with the following: when I am in love and considering commitment, anything that brings me closer to the other person will be good. Getting to know one another, being real with eachother, discovering our weaknesses and insecurities - to me that is what will create closeness, and my love blindness and booty blindness will let me explore those through rosy eyes. Also, physical intimacy is very vulnerable and makes you look beyond the pretty outside and get to know one another in the most human way possible while still admiring one another. So to me, sex doesnt need to be postponed until after commitment but is part of the process of infatuation and exploration.
You snapped and an ad started, it was like a magic trick 😂 this video is so helpful thank you!
I agree with your advice. In my case, I'm 27 and about to have my first year anniversary with my wife this month.
Due to life challenges at a young age (Started at 8) I was always more mature than the other kids, and naturally I became more reserved, to the point of telling myself as I grew older that "My first kiss needs to be deserved and reserved". So I dated a lot of girls without ever having my first kiss. I met my wife when I was 18 and we had a 3 year friendship, that later evolved into dating for 5 years and a half. I had my first kiss at 21 with her when we became a couple since we knew each other well. I knew from the start that I met my match, with a reserved and mature woman that is as determined as I am in our passions, which ended up being shared passions over time. We also chose to not have physical intimacy until we got married to strengthen the relationship more instead of the attraction.
So in total we've been in each other's lives for 9 years and a half, and been together for 6 and a half, we got to see each other in different "lights": How we were in public, how we were with family, friends and strangers, how we were alone, how we were in tragedy and in difficult challenging times, and most importantly, how we supported and stayed loyal to each other.
Most people say the first years of being married are tough, yet, it's been a breeze for us since we are always in sync, sometimes we even forget that we're just now celebrating our first year together married. I got married young, but because in my situation, we were ready for it.
I had several therapists tell me I needed to “grow up, get married, have children.” But one…. RELENTLESSLY pushed that! To the point where whenever I was proud of something I did, if it wasn’t “adulting related,” he would be gravely disappointed
He’d bluntly tell me “Brandon, you need. To. Grow. Up!” “You need to find a woman to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH! And you NEED to have children. It’s part of growing up, and you cannot escape it”
He would even get mad at me for not dating women I wasn’t interested in. “But you said she’s nice! She’s mature, and she was clearly interested in you. Why didn’t you ask her out?! You can’t know right away that you’re not interested in her. Besides, attraction doesn’t matter. Heck, if anything, attraction is a red flag. Kindness and maturity matter. Excitement doesn’t. And having children will become your excitement”