How Long Should You Wait Until He Commits? Dating Advice |
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 มิ.ย. 2024
- How Long Should You Wait Until He Commits? Dating Advice | #AskaTherapist //
How long should you wait before he commits? You're dating. How long should you wait and stick around to see if he commits before you're just like, peace. I'm out of here. Mended Light. I like this question, but I'm gonna tell you right out of the gate, it's gonna be different for different people.
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00:00 How Long Should You Wait Until He Commits?
00:35 Why isnt he committing?
01:27 What doesn't commitment look like to you?
02:27 When people show you who they are believe them
04:23 If they are a hard no then what?
#relationshipgoals #relationshipadvice #mendedlight #jonathandecker
• How Long Should You Wa...
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I met dated and married my husband all in 6 months. We were/are older and knew exactly what we wanted. Before this I dated someone for 13 years who refuse to commit and felt like I deserved very little. So after that when I found the right one I knew it
Me too! Met on 2/13 and married 6/15. Eighteen years in and happy! 🌞
i dont like putting a time frame on it. its basically what was said in the video. if youre actively in a relationship theres supposed to be communication. checking in with one another to see if you two are still on the same wavelength. theres nothing wrong with asking your s/o whats up with things.
I had a partner who never did that. I was usually the one checking in, but not them. I think they didn’t actually want a relationship, they just wanted a fling. Or if they did want a relationship, they didn’t want it with me. What makes them a jerk though is not wanting to tell me anything about this. Wish I learned sooner lol😅
I would like to hear you answer these questions.
How can you tell if you are ready to move on to a new relationship after heartbreak? And how can you tell if you're just holding yourself back from dating again for fear of being hurt again?
I was going to ask the same thing!!!
Do you want to move on? You're ready. If you're scared to be hurt you're not ready. Be the best version of yourself before you admit to a relationship. A romantic relationship should be "just" the topping of the icing. Don't search cure in others. Heal yourself.
@@pinkimietz3243 this sounds too simplified for the matter, there is always the possibility in everything including relationships that you become trapped in your fear that you never move on because of the fear and you need to "just do it" to get over your fear.
This is why I ask for Mended lights thoughts on the matter, to get their thoughts on how to make the determination between fear to move on because you're not ready or because you're trapped in fear.
1. Take your feelings about that relationship, and explore them. Explore them HARD
2. Dig deep. Dig down to the deepest darkest feelings about it
3. Ask yourself what you found. You don't have to tell anyone what you found in the deepest darkest corners of your mind, but you still need to tell yourself
I'm going through this right now. You're ready in the moment you are going to accept that people might still want to hurt you, and the only thing that you can control are your own thoughts, actions and boundaries. So instead of being afraid to try dating again, you're gonna be focusing on improving yourself for any potential damages (I mean prevention not being paranoid and projecting your past into others). You're gonna be ready when you're gonna trust yourself and your own strength. You will be ready when you're gonna think „You know what? In case something happens I got my own back”.
I had this exact conversation with. Guy I've been seeing this weekend. He said that he wasn't ready to commit, but maybe could see it down the line. I told him I was okay with that, but that if we weren't committing to each other, I needed to date around and so did he so that if we DO committ, we both feel chosen. This timing was so good
My husband and I dated for six months, moved in and lived together for six years, and then we married. Didn't have our first kiss until the 3rd date, waited 3 months to become intimate. Nothing wrong with going slower.
I love your demonstration on how change actually is in reality
I’ve got a story that is related to this topic. My father wasn’t a great person and wasn’t there for me to grow up, so my mom was a single mother for most of my life. When I was 14, we moved to the US and she met a guy from Mexico who was single and his brother kept trying to set them up on a date. And eventually they went to have coffee and despite a huge language barrier, this guy confessed to my mom that he is ready to commit and that she is his perfect woman (which kinda frightened my mom, but she was okay with it as long as I was okay). Two months later, they married. And five years later I call him “tato”, he calls me “docha”, mom calls him “mi esposo”, and he calls her “mi bonita”. They are very happy and he fully accepted me as his daughter, although it happened so quick :)
Awwww I love this story! Your mum and step-dad sound like the cutest couple!
I totally agree. My now fiance was in a weird spot when we first met and wasn't sure if he wanted to be in even a committed bf/gf relationship. I understood this, however, over time we had great chemistry and I knew if we kept seeing each other I will want something more and told him so. I gave him time to really digest and think about what he really wanted. I was nervous cause I knew there was a chance I would have to leave this good person for respect of him and me.
I'd love to see next step question: How long should I date before seriously thinking about marriage?
My therapist advised one year, giving me a chance to see (and show) my partner in all seasons. I think that if you've had significant conflict and managed it well, less time could be fine. I don't really want our first fight to be after we've already married and I find out what he's like when angry.
Only thing I can say is with avoidants youd want to wait to see their behaviors to pop up after the 3 month mark and see if they make any effort to change or at least meet you halfway. But thats if youre willing to tolerate the behaviors (which I dont advise if you havent worked on yourself or dont trust your partner) and also wanting to help them slowly change by practicing vulnerability and intimacy. Just Id say to make sure to know for a fact that its your partners attachment.
But either way Id say to still listen to this video if you have normal or high standards and look for someone else if you doubt theyre a fit for you. Itll only be self destructive in the long run if you hold on to hope and expect too much.
I really agree on the 90 day topic you brought up. I noticed quite a shift in how he acted after being with my partner for a few months. It’s not like the romcoms where you date for a few weeks, get into a disagreement, then make up and there are no more issues. Relationships are more than the fantasy of it all.
3 months/90 days is SUCH an eyeopener. I used to date guys I thought were independent and chill and whatever, and at the 2-3 month mark they suddenly were a toxic, dependent, needed to be talking to me or in my presence every second or they were mad at me. Or it was a situation of THEY could hang out with their friends for hours and not text me until the next morning when they woke up, but if I wanted to go to a weekend party with friends and family and told them I'd text to check in periodically, they'd be blowing up my phone the entire time upset I'm not responding fast enough. True colors/severe red flags revealed themselves almost like clockwork in that 60-90 window every time and then I'd break up with them. Wasting 60-90 days, though, is a heck of a lot better than wasting 6-9 years though.
I waited 9 months until my ex and I got together. The thing was not necessarily that he didn't want to commit in the beginning, because he was still scarred from his past relationships and heartaches and he needed time. The problem is more, you might get so hubg up on that person, that all the joy and the magic of the beginning when you get to know somebody might die down over time, because you get so tired of hoing and waiting, that when you get together, you are not even that excited anymore. You also might get too hung up in being with them, you may fail to see that actually, they are not really a fit for you, or that there are things that make you go "Mmmmmhhhh...!!!!"
You just want to get together so bad, it becomes a goal and it is much less about the person anymore. Aaaannnd once you got them to commit, you might end up sticking around longer than you should because you have put so much time and effort into that relationship and it becomes some sort of pride thing and a kind of sticking around out of principle when really you should let go. In other words, be smarter than my past self. The people who reject you for who you are, they are really doing you a favor. They make room for the ones who will. And they show you where your worth is... it's not with them and it doesn't depend on them. Or anyone else. Your worth is given and it's endless. You deserve to be happy and accepted. You deserve to be wanted. No questions asked.
I have so many thoughts on this! My particular experience has been to just date casual, and one day we realized we'd been dating for 3 years and planning to go live together. We've been together for over 10 years now, but there are lots of valuable things I've learned from my relationship, mostly because it was intended to be open/poly right from the beginning (not easy, not pleasant, very worth it).
First of all, from the start YOU NEED TO STATE WHAT YOU EXPECT. Maybe not the first date, but once you realize you like each other enough to meet frequently, just open up about what you want and are willing to do. Being poly is still pretty uncharted territory for most people, and our first and most painful mistake was to assume what each other meant by having an open relationship. And if you're mono, you also need to tell what stuff you're not okay with (could be going out alone with someone else, even if not a date).
Second, DON'T WAIT FOR STUFF WITHOUT TELLING. If you want to take a step in the relationship that your partner doesn't, be sure you're both aware of where you stand. If you want to move in together and they don't, be sure they know. Letting other people know what you want allows them to make better decisions that take your feelings in count. Maybe the other person doesn't want to move in now. Maybe they did want and were afraid of saying. Maybe then they can tell you it's not gonna work and you can both move on. The big advantage is you get to say "I want something else but I like you so much, I'm willing to try anyway" and maybe it doesn't work, but at least everyone gave their best.
Third (for now) is DON'T STAY WITH SOMEONE JUST FOR THE SAKE. You might end up alone in the end, but it statistically more probable that you end up with someone slightly better. I found my partner just a little while after accepting my loveless fate.
Trying to be poly is so much work. So. Much. But even if you end up mono, it's 100% worth it.
I'm not somebody who really hugs a lot-and I don't know if you're really much of a hugger or not either-but I just feel compelled to let you know that your comment gave me an odd urge to give you a really big hug of gratitude and/or appreciation, or something!. (if that even makes any sense!!) 😊😊 Lolll
🤍
Wow, I'm not willing to wait that long :D. Aspecially if he doesn't want to commit but wants to sleep with you right away. That's a no go for me.
I would say no to sleeping with me for now. If he's still interested in dates/activities, then check after 3 months whether he wants to date only me. If he's interested in exclusivity, then we can consider further physical intimacy. If he's not, then stop dating him.
I'm asking a therapist:: How long should you wait before dating after getting a divorce or separating from a spouse? At what point in a relationship is it okay or right to share about serious mental health struggles (eg suicide attempts)? When is it right to date again after leaving an abusive relationship? And how much of that previous abusive situation should you disclose to your new partner?
I always wonder, how much should we let our parents' opinion/view/acceptance of our chosen partners influence and lead us as adults?
e.g. parents disapprove of a partner for cultural or religious reasons, a culture and religion you also follow, but don't interpret or follow the same/ as strictly as your parents do. If it breaks your relationship with your parents, but your relationship with your partner is amazing, is it ultimately worth it? how can we find a balance between "following your heart" and "your parents are more experienced and know what's best for you"?
The intensity of the arguments and backlash from this also varies by what country and culture you are from. It's really hard
This, first of all, depends on how you view your parents. Not everybody has a good relationship with theirs, so for some people, their partners & parents not getting along is the whole point, because the parents may be toxic or abusive. If you're like most people, first impressions aren't the ones which will be most important, as your parents will have to move past their initial prejudices to see the true value of your partner, & the true depth of your partner's love for you. They will need time to learn each other.
I think the people who are pushy about commitment are the kind of people who are living in the 50s, where you're a failure if you aren't married with kids by 21. This standard is still relevant, and people are obsessed with settling down and it ends up rushing a relationship that shouldn't have gotten to marriage in the first place. That's honestly what is leading to so many divorces compared to the previous generations, people are using an outdated concept to justify rushing committment in relationships and blaming it on "kids don't get how things are done"
They don't because they are trying to do WHAT YOU USED TO DO, in a time where this isn't going to work
Ive been dating my fiance for over 5 years and we only got engaged a couple months ago. A lot of our timeline was purely situational as we wanted to be more stable before getting married
That being said it does purely depend on the person. Marriage isnt a sign of commitment it once was. You can be very committed to someone your whole life and not be married
The only thing it does is give you legal benefits and protections. Which honestly we should also give to nonmarried relationships (including poly relationships) as well
How do you differentiate the things that your date cannot change and therefore you must learn to accept if you want to continue (like you said in the video, you don't date someone to change you, you date someone who accepts you), vs the things that you can ask for and see if they are willing to adjust their ways for you (eg. if their default way of communication doesn't meet your emotional needs)?
I like this question. It's tricky. If the person knows what they want, like they say "I don't want a committed relationship", then believe them and don't try to change that, probably is a good baseline. Don't try to make them want what you want. But know your own desires and needs, and ask for what you want, and see if they can meet you where you're at or halfway or whatever.
It's probably best to go in with the mindset that nothing about them will change, and thinking about whether you could live with that long-term. Then if they do change for the better, great, but you're not holding the whole relationship hostage to whether they change specific things about themselves. If you can't make peace being with them as they are now, it's probably better not to keep pursuing, unless you absolutely have to for some kind of logistical reason.
What the others say. I've dated two people that fit this situation on the past and I ended up breaking up with both of them. One was more of an introverted guy and he started out pretty chill but then as we dated longer he went in the complete opposite direction and was lovebombing constantly. Marriage, kids, "I love you", all the time and would get upset when I asked him to please slow down with the talks and he'd make me feel guilty if I didn't say "I love you" back as genuinely (I didn't really feel love so early on, but I felt pressured to say it back). So he wasn't meeting my emotional needed in that he was far too oppressive with his feelings while I was still adjusting to the relationship, and he eventually became toxic and clingy in just the 3 months we dated and I dumped him. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I had a guy I dated mostly online since it was during the pandemic, and he'd be really sweet and attentive and awesome when he was in a good mood and I was in a good mood, but when I was having a rough day, he'd sort of just brush it off and if HE was having a bad day he expected me to drop everything and cater to him. He had given me a sort of sob story early on about his rather rigid adopted family and him having sort of crappy sporadic friends, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt initially that he was trying to "do better" for me. It was the pandemic times, so this also factored in to probably me waiting longer than I would've outside of pandemic times for him to become better at catering to my emotional needs. Long story short, he became very toxic when I'd push back or call him out on the inequity in our emotional responses to each other, and how he'd change "his ways" for a day and then go right back to not giving a crap about my feelings, gaslight me about my feelings, and then expecting me to coddle him and putting me at fault. I ended things with him, he got toxic, and I blocked him, but he called my number from various friend phones leaving me scathing voicemails for the next month or so before he stopped. Since then, I've followed the "when people show you who they are believe them" mentality, and if I'm communicating clearly and they aren't, I don't waste my time anymore and move on to someone who can contribute equally (at least emotionally) to the relationship. It's not worth waiting around and wasting you energy when a person isn't trying as much as you are. It's not like the romance movies where the person "comes around" and is suddenly amazing. You either are okay with how they are when you meet them or you move on.
Wow. I really needed this exactly now. Thank you.
If it's longer than 5 years I don't think it will ever happen.
Kinda depends though. Like some people start relationships as teenagers and (assuming they stay together) wouldn’t be ready to marry for a while. Say some kids started dating at 15- could be ten years. Or more. So many people just aren’t ready. Emotionally, financially, or even socially, there might be reasons to hold off on committing.
@@lijahsampson6979 why do you consider committing only when people are married? I've been with my partner for 13 years now - we married last year, but we have been in a committed relationship pretty much from the very start.
I've been in a relationship for over 5 years and we just got engaged... Granted we both wanted to finish up college and have at least one stable career before getting hitched
That being said, having the legal document that says you are married doesn't make you more or less committed to each other. All it does is give more legal protections in case you split. A good example of this is the documentary A Secret Love, where two women kept their relationship secret for over 60 years. They probably were only married for a year or two before one of them died
I give them three months, and if they don't want to commit then, they likely never will. But...we all have our own boundaries!
I don't date, I find it too stressful and anxiety inducing also I have low self esteem so it wouldn't be safe for me either. Still useful advice 😀
Jono! Good stuff, thank you.
usually if a dude says "i'm not looking for anything serious right now" means he isn't with YOU - just isn't into you cuz the next girl he usually dates he commits right away.
Can you make a video of you reacting to happy relationship stories? If so please share your opinion on what we can learn from them?
What are your thoughts on poly? Is it wanting more commitment? Is it a response to dissatisfaction or some kind of justification for cheating? I'd love to see an episode on this.
I don't date people who aren't looking for a full commitment. Once it has been established that they are in the marriage mindset, then I start evaluating where they are with their emotional, mental, and physical state. Just because someone says they want to marry doesn't mean they will if they're going through financial instability, personal issues, etc.
please do a video about your opinion to not wanting to get married
Would you consider making a video on how to heal after a breakup or how long it takes? Your insight would be really interesting.
That fly on the wall was such a distraction lol
Spider?
I am your sister in this scenario... 6 weeks in we knew, married him a year later, that was 21 years ago
Id like to see a video on if you should or shouldn’t try to get back with an ex partner
At first I thought the video title was about software development
😂lol
So I guess the answer, in this case, would be slightly different from what he gave. Commit often & daily :D
I don't date, but this is a fantastic advice nonetheless.
If you're uncomfortable. Then it's time to make moves. That's the answer.
How long should i date before getting married and giving life long commitment
as long as one or both (all) people are continuously communicating and checking in. Maybe give an estimated amount of time then check in and see where each person is at. Also establish at the beginning of the relationship what level your both starting at (casual, monogamous etc) so there is no confusion. for possible topic: how to recognize subtle toxicity in a relationship (family, platonic, romantic/sexual) but not specifically gaslighting
5/5star⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
The way i see it is
Yes, there can be people who are “not right” for you (want entirely different things out of life, have entirely different values, etc)
But there isn’t only just one single person that can be right for you. Because whoever this person is, the relationships will always take a lot of deliberate work. (Maybe for different people with different values, strengths, or weaknesses here and there, the work will be about different things. But it’s still work at the end of the day)
Do you consider that open relationships/polyamorus people are not commited? I would like if you would talk more about that as a next "askatherapist". Can open relationships still be commited?
Thank you for all great content!
Open relationships/polyamory can be committed! Just as much as monogamous relationships can be committed. It's about communication with your partners and having healthy emotional connections with everyone involved
My friends boyfriend doesn't really know if he wants kids, he thinks he does, but maybe not now. She on the other want's to very badly. both parts doesn't want the relationship to end. How do you deal with that? Her boyfriend has trouble to express his feelings and always has gone with the flow and i think avoided difficult questions. And when things are bad he doesnt really work for it, they have just stopped talk to eachother because he has fear of commitment. So my question is. How do you know if its time for you to have kids? Espesially for someone who has hard for setteling down but also for others hur aren't sure. How do you help your partner to actually dive into the hard stuff and work through them? Love you guys! bless yall!
It sounds like they need a significant number of private counseling sessions. Specifically, I recommend couples counseling as well as extra counseling for him, to work on tending to the needs of the relationship instead of avoiding.
I've met girls that I wanted to commit to who wanted to date around. So it can go both ways. One girl I've held onto like a life preserver like you said. I've gotten to the point to where I'm now seeing if she actually wants me in her life and I'm starting to let go. And another girl who I'm getting to know who wants to do things with me but doesn't seem to want to commit.
Is this a round about way of saying you're cheating on your partner?
@@jakemarie828 No. She is not my partner. And she knows I'm getting to know this other girl.
@@jakemarie828 Nothing in that comment suggests they're cheating? Where are you even getting that?
What is going through the mind of someone who does this? She says that she is through with men and doesn't care to date or try to get married. Yet, she allows this one guy to come in and out of her life for over 10 years. She is the one pushing for marriage but he won't marry her.
And what about sex in relation to 3 months casual relationship...cause I feel personally there is more pressure for a sexual relationship prior to committed one.
How to rewire your brain to get over a one sided relationship in which you have always been around?
I disagree with three months. I think it is six months
I alway enjoy your videos.
I do have a question/topic. My wife and I have been marries for almost 8 years. Sadly the majority of that time has been a "dead bedroom". She has been seeing both a therapist and psychologist. They both say to keep waiting but I don't see any changes. In fact it's only gotten worse over the years. My question is, How long should I wait? (I already feel like im at my wits end.)
Thank you very much.
yeah the 90 days "rule" is very helpful with friendship too, with everyone really :)
James bond got married…
This is a wonderful video Jono thank you. I married when I was 22. was abused for 8 years, then divorced. So now I'm going on 2 years after divorce this year. Directly after I managed to manipulate him into divorce (Only thing that worked) I started texting with someone else. I remember thinking at the time: 'well at least one of us know what we are doing'😂I didn't know how this goes, but your advice is much appreciated. I would love to have a healthy committed relationship, put my best foot forward and not send makeup-less selfies. Yes I did that. (In my defense he seems like he only gets these perfectly well put together women and I'm not like that. I wanted him to know that.) Anyways, it's been a shock, and interesting for me to see people in general and the ideas people now have. I grew up very traditionally and religious.
If I were to hopefully find someone who will accept my daughter and also wait for marriage before we have sex, that sea just became a puddle in the desert.
Hubs and I are an odd case; we both sort of wanted the same landmarks at the same times. He was ready to settle down because he'd sown quite a few wild oats, and I wanted commitment before I got intimate with anyone because then I'd know he wasn't as likely to panic and run if unintended pregnancy happened, among other things. 13 years together so far, and he still seems pretty cool about being sruck with me. 💕
He asked me once, "Babe, are you sure you're cool with me having had a few partners while you're staying a virgin until we're married?"
My response: "Well, YEAH. One of us has to know what we're doing." 😂
Uummm that wasn't the peace sign.
And yet that's exactly what it was and how we all understood it. If you're not going to tell him what you think it was instead, this isn't a helpful comment.
@@amypetty5013 sorry for not clarifying. the two fingers sign palm in is basically analogous to giving someone the middle finger in much of the world. I know it isn't used that way in the States and didn't take offence but figured it would have been picked up in editing. Everyone makes mistakes and I figured I should point it out as a learning opportunity.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V_sign#As_an_insult
Also the specific moment he pulls the sign is amusing in how it changes the characterisation of the breakup.
@@alexandersteel7272 Then I'm at a loss as to why you didn't say that in the first place, if you want to point out a learning opportunity. It IS the peace sign here in the U.S, so why would you just unilaterally declare "ummmm that's not the peace sign"?
And there's no reason to assume "it would have been picked up in editing." It's not a mistake just because the gesture has a different interpretation elsewhere.
@@amypetty5013 I honestly didn't consider that the explanation would be needed as it is a common understanding of the sign and a common mistake even where the sign is used. I also didn't want to come across as accusatory claiming that Jonno was flipping off the audience, merely wanting to point out a potential mistake for future reference.
I meant no offense but you appear to have taken offence at how I responded to this. Can you please explain what I did wrong so I can learn from this?
@@alexandersteel7272 I'll walk you through it. Your initial comment was "ummmmm that's not the peace sign." But you're saying that to a person for whom yes, that's exactly what it is. That's literally how it's used in the U.S., and this is a video made by U.S-based people that reaches primarily a U.S.-based audience.
And now you're telling me you didn't think an explanation would be needed "as it is a common understanding of the sign and a common understanding even where the sign is used. Think that through. It's only a common understanding of the sign in SOME parts of the world. Here in the U.S. it IS the peace sign - because obviously why do you think Jono's using it as the peace sign if it's not?
If we were watching this video from a person in the UK, speaking to a mostly UK audience, and that gesture was made with the intended meaning of vulgarity...but I left a comment on the video saying "ummmm that's the peace sign," - do you see the problem?
But my larger complaint here is that it doesn't really make sense to tell someone "ummm that's not the peace sign" if you genuinely are trying to point something out to them. Because obviously as far as they are concerned, yes, it is the peace sign, and they're not going to understand why you're saying it isn't. So why wouldn't you just specify what you're getting at? "Hey, I know that's the peace sign in the U.S., but I thought I'd point out that it's got a vulgar connotation in other parts of the world."