The most memorable quote from my last session: "Will this absolve us from our crimes? That we didn't commit. We didn't commit any crimes." They did, in fact, commit crimes.
“Assassins are simply people who kill for political reasons. My economic plan is looting your corpse and your new tax bracket is all of your blood.” - Orc assassin talking to an cabal of mindflayers and incubi.
@@CATusthetidsresenarwhat is this conversation? You're almost as evil as my party😂 (Not that i'm better, i've had my fare share if horrible actions too. But still.)
Reminds me of my Paladin player who got *caught in a literal tornado* who, when asked what his plan was if he fucked up their escape strategy: "I'll break my fall. ....With my legs." This party really needs feather fall.
Literally just finished a session where it happened. "Damn, I new the situation was bad, but they sent a fucking junkie to help?" - My character staring at a wizard PC who is actively smoking a blunt.
I got a few: "Oh so it's a lot like Portland" "We should have just fought the bees instead" "I started drinking at age 3" "I did NOT mean to draw a roast beef sandwich!" "Wait we're fighting a jacked 5 month old?!" "Can we eat the Pegasus?" "The Pegasus glares at you." "The Pegasus shrugs its wings like 'WTF do you expect?" "So you know the pokemon Gligar?" "Oh yeah it's my favorite." "Not anymore roll initiative."
P1: "I'd like to put the tea-cupboard into my bag of holding." DM: "Okay, so you empty the cupboard into your bag of holding." P1: "No, the WHOLE cupboard"
"Oh you adorably silly child, you ask too much of the Castigator with each and every question, for he cannot speak, he only punishes those who've earned extreme agony before death... On that note, you may wish to forget your old family"
GM: as the door of the abandoned lab opens you see absolute darkness , but the scanners show that the nuclear reactor is close. Me trying to lighten the mood:“We take take a walk down to Chernobyl avenue now things are getting hotter”
I got a few. “You became Superman with a bathtub.” “Moral of the story: Don’t trust white haired girls or their sharks will eat you” Explains a session to people who weren’t there, “I jumped into a bottomless pit, got a magic tattoo, started a bar fight, almost burnt down the adventurer’s guild, got a wish spell, teleported the entire city of Waterdeep to a city with a purple ocean, got chased by the guards and drowned in the purple ocean.” “Theoretically, I can win, it just takes 1E-99999999% chance to win.” “In order to win D&D, we need to eat each other”
From the same one-shot "You are now in the Astral plane. This is a very bad place to be at level one." "That is an adult silver dragon. No murder hobo schnanegans." "You have killed the monster."
"Sir, can you give me back my bones?" "Oh, right, butterflies aren't real" "Your body is trembling with excitement so much so that the axe passes through your body, the molecules of both the axe and your body never touching" "You successfully ignite the corpse of your horse"
“Oh ho ho thought I was just an entertainer didn’t you? Well time to drop the act and show you just how deadly I can be!” Gaelyn Morvyre half-elf bard college of whispers.
“Ah, sorry. Arro has cat AIDs” - Me after multiple other party members started signing a contract with blood and someone mentions that we probably don’t have any bloodborne illnesses amongst us. Also “How heavy is the cornucopia?” - Also me, preparing to cast catapult
Some of my favourites come from a friend of mine: *"Art thee stupid?"* *"Prune thyself."* and of course, *"What art thee yapping about? Go take a walk."*
"Everything's fine." "Oh no, I don't believe you at all." My dragon character twisting her head around 180 degrees and using magic to make her eyes swirl weird colors. "Don't worry, everything's fine."
“I have the Cheese Lore written down here.” “We all do jazz hands at Demi” “Vidu’s skulking in the back instead” “Hit things, do big damage.” “Thank you for this logic, Logic Man.” “Cheese railguns now, is it, Tide?” (Sarcastically): “I just shit myself” “Go Go Logicman Concealed Carry!” “literally 1384” “In this world succubi are cuttlefish things.” “OMG HE WAS SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES”
"The system works!" Our party Lizardfolk barbarian, after being found innocent in a court of law of cannibalism, due to eating a drow, not another lizardfolk.
Warforged: "Sure, and I have an aftplate the size of the San Andreas." Rouge: *whispering "Really?"* Warforged: *"No, but I know someone who does."* "If I need something to burn, I'll *BREATHE* on it." "Have I been dragon-ing wrong this whole time?" NPC Sheriff: "Never thought I'd see the day where a stoner druid was a party's Responsible Adult(TM) by default. First time for everything, indeed." "Mother said there'd be days like this." *Tiamat visibly starts looking nervous* "Who was your mother, again?"
"In your search for a sex shop, you break into and rob the first closed store you see, which happens to be a bakery." Later that same session: "You change your form to try and disguise yourself as the king to trick the robot guards into letting you go, but instead of looking like the king, you appear to be a naked caricature version of him, as you took off your clothes and forgot to put on your clown suit."
Setting: Rise Of Tiamat DM to player 1: Wow, you're really over powered" Player 2 (me): "This shouldn't be surprising, he always makes O.P characters" Player 1: "Tiamat doesn't know what's coming! I'll show her my O.Pness!" Cue the rest of the party absolutely losing their sh*t as the look of horror on player 1's face grows as he realizes what came out of his mouth
MY group I dm has a whole discord channel of these quotes, heres a few of the best ones "Not every situation can be solved with persuasion, sometimes you just need to stabbabitch" "you see the bell tower thrusting up into the sky" (not my proudest description) "has anyone touched you with magic" "the recently undeceased" "nobody can see it, I have a cloaca" (barbarian lizardfolk's excuse for not wearing anything but a belt)
"I don't care if it *IS* a decanter of endless water, you CANNOT WATERBOARD A MEREFOLK!" "As you emerge from the latrine, the goblins scatter, not wanting to get near you for some reason." "I roll to vote for candidate x." "You dont have to roll for that." "I roll anyway!" *nat 1* "congratulations, you somehow voted for the wrong guy." "Why are you handing me a liver? I asked you to deliver a message." "I assure you, the recipient is quite de-livered." "When *do* the cows come home, anyway?"
My character: "Ah sweet apples! What's that green one?" Shopkeeper: "Oh that's a honey sunrise." (The DM made up random names, I forgot them). MC: "Oh cool! What's that red one?" SK: "That's a ruby treasure." MC: "Awesome! What's that pair shaped one?" SK: "That's a pair..."
Me: "YOUR MOTHER WAS A HYENA AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A CHICKEN!" Our Cleric: "I've gotta cook these drugs up. I'm sure everyone else will be fine." Me: "I've got the mask! Hey, no! Down! Bad mask! Bad!"
"Welcome to Bloodbath & Beyond" --- "The H in Southern Hospitality stands for Hostility" --- P1: "I'm going to roast his arm!" P2: "Vicious Mockery or fire?" --- Player: "Show us the dilf" DM: "What?" Player: "Show us the dilf." DM: "Elves are very hard to find dilves for" Player: "Then show us the old twink!" --- "You thought I wouldn't butter your NPC? *Fool!"*
"I'm sorry, but your level of stupidity has rendered me speechless " "I know I shouldn't do it. I know shouldn't do it. I'm going to do it " *Talking to the 4month old baby* "baby dm, what is your wisdom? " Baby dm: "AAAAAYYYYAAA!" Also baby dm: "okay, alright"
One player offers Green dragon drugs. "Oh my gosh that's the good stuff." Immediately swallows all of it. "You're free to leave, now I'm going to go eat all your friends." Player character: "allright." Funniest ending to a oneshot we ever had.
DM: “Let’s just put 10,000 arrows in there” Wizard: “You might not want to stand there I’m gonna just blast whatever is there, even allies. I don’t like any of you” Paladin: “In space isn’t every side starboard?” Cleric: “What’s your name?” Rouge: “His names Jasper” Cleric: “I wasn’t asking you!” Ranger: “Thats racist it has a spider butt” Ranger: “I’ll just stab things with my bow. That’s how things work”
Oh. I can crush this. My players and I meet in person, but manage the campaign through Discord. We have a channel called "quotes." Here are some of the best ones. *Ahem:* "What if demons are like... bacteria?" "Do not 'lube up' a turtle." "The fate of the world is between my booty cheeks." "You piss grease?"/"Yeah, high fat diet." "What's a laxative for emotional constipation?"/"Therapy." "Why does being a werewolf preclude you from loan payments?" "First of all, as a free action, I would like to call you a wh*re." "My pronouns are you'll/die." "How does a god have this much religious trauma?" "The cut's gonna be immaculate."/"You know what your cut's gonna be? In memoriam." "THERE ARE NO DUNGEONS, THERE ARE NO DRAGONS! WHAT ARE WE PLAYING?!" "What other ways can the rock be heavy?"/"Like... magically?" "Mama raised a liar. But not for this." "Find my crack, Bane." "Someone thirst trapped too close to the sun and now they're having regrets." "I will throw you, you little wide ass kettlebell." "Yo horse god you ever fight a genie? Wanna try?" "Rob is Jewish, a gamer, and says bussy." This is the tip of the iceberg.
C1: "Tusevano... a tiny man just walked into your beard..." C2: (just waking up) "Huh? oh, thats just juniper." C3: (Currently transformed into a wolf) "Woof!" [he gave me strawberries!] C2: "Yeah Junipers nice like that." C1: "WHAT?! YOU SPEAK WOLF NOW TOO?!" C2: "You can't? Even Weeday can." (refering to barbarian) C1: "Well woof wuf wof then." C2/3/4 (Sharing the same braincell): "WHAT YOU DID YOU JUST CALL OUR MOTHERS?!" ... C1: "Okay, so you believe this... juniper... is an invisible being that... helps you? what do you believe in fairy tails too?" C2: "Sprite actually." C1: "Tusevano. Fairy tails. aren't. real!" (proceeds to be stabbed multiple times by an angry invisible sprite) ... C1: "Okay, I'm bringing it up. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR STOMACH TUSEVANO?!?!" C2: "It's disagreeing with me so I'm threatening it with your cooking!"
“SWORD HAND!” “Dropkicks! The best kind of kicks” “Wait you pick me up Ye IM 5’10! And?” “And she got a werewolf? She must have +10 in animal handling” “Curse of schlong”
“DM, can I be thrown at the BBEG?” “What the hell?” “Can. I. Be. Thrown. At. The. Monster?” “Everybody in favor of throwing Wizard at BBEG?” “Aye. Aye. Aye.” “Ranger picks up Mage and throws it at Monster, roll strength.” “17!” “Mage manages to bitch slap the monster for 2 damage and falls to the ground. Mage broke his neck.” “Was it worth it?” “Fuck yeah.”
Please check it out and let them know who sent you!
kck.st/3JhrZaF
9:36 YOU READ THAT BEFORE!!!
"Curiosity may have killed the cat... But I ain't no cat! I am a F***ing Lion!!!" My Leonin Paladin.
Archlich named Curiosity:
@@dragoknight589WTF is an archlich? You mean demilich
DM: "Hold up, let me clean up these bodies real quick and then we can continue."
"I don't need a god, I have a gun. And that's only 2 letters off"
-The Dwarven fighter to the God of Vengeance
"I don't like the way that frog is looking at me. I cast Eldritch Blast!"
The most memorable quote from my last session: "Will this absolve us from our crimes? That we didn't commit. We didn't commit any crimes."
They did, in fact, commit crimes.
"Maybe it's time to get rid of my 100lbs of barnacle shells."
"Can ghosts sweat underwater?"
"Surprise surgery!"
“Assassins are simply people who kill for political reasons. My economic plan is looting your corpse and your new tax bracket is all of your blood.” - Orc assassin talking to an cabal of mindflayers and incubi.
“I cast catapult on the child.”
I am no longer allowed to use this spell.
If I remember the weight restrictions on the spell, it was more likely a baby than a child.
@@kyleward3914 my dm did the math for this exact thing and you technically would have to cast it at level 2 to chuck a newborn.
@@CATusthetidsresenarwhat is this conversation? You're almost as evil as my party😂
(Not that i'm better, i've had my fare share if horrible actions too. But still.)
Fortunately or unfortunately, the baby would have to be dead (Aka, a corpse) to be targetable by the spell.
@@scottallen4569 Maybe it was Zombie Baby (I LOVE the Comic Scary Gary)...
😄😁😆😅😂🤣
"There once was a monk of great fame,
Till a bard with a much bigger brain,
At once lit a fuse,
HAHA ITS A RUSE,
THIS ISN'T A SPELL ITS JUST PAIN "
"My Nana says you shouldn't worry about dying because death isn't real."
How old was your pcs nana?
I'm going to just assume in the ballpark of yes
Hold the frog, I'm coming in ... and whatever happens do not let it escape
My personal favorite:
Cleric: "If you fall, I'm not healing your broken legs. You will lay there, with the pain as a lesson to not be an idiot."
Reminds me of my Paladin player who got *caught in a literal tornado* who, when asked what his plan was if he fucked up their escape strategy:
"I'll break my fall. ....With my legs."
This party really needs feather fall.
"That's the 5th Kobold you've shoved into the bag of holding (Dragonborn Fighter)."
"GIVE ME YOUR BONES!"
Did they?
@@GZilla311 u know it bb
"So is it sea men or is it blood?"
*"IT'S BOTH!!!"*
“HEY ELF, EAT BOULDER”
“HEY ELF, EAT ANOTHER BOULDER”
“Hey elf, guess what”
“EAT KNIVES!”
@@Aaa-vp6ugsword swallower Vs knife thrower ultimate showdown
@@dragoknight589 lol
Literally just finished a session where it happened.
"Damn, I new the situation was bad, but they sent a fucking junkie to help?" - My character staring at a wizard PC who is actively smoking a blunt.
"WAIT IM NOT DEAD, SINCE I WASN"T CONSENTING SO SHE DIDN'T KILL ME "
This was a golden line from me
"Not sure she is into you?! Need i remind you she was looking at you the way i look at a crispy-grilled salmon!"
“I can barely hit a staggered dwarf with one hit point in the knee, and you SUMMON A FUCKING DEATH WORM?!?!” *falls out of chair in disbelief*
“SAVE ME, DUSTBUNNIES!”
“I bite the Werewolf’s crotch.”
“My religion just got Bin Ladened”
He found his temple ransacked and all the priestesses murdered
"The bard didn't try to suduce it? -The answer was shatter"
“I’m gonna punt the goblin.”
“You’re two inches tall!”
“I’M PUNTING THE GOBLIN.”
"Are you proficient in Fish?"
Our Paladin and Echo Knight Fighter to a mini boss before smacking them with fish combined with a smite to end them
I got a few:
"Oh so it's a lot like Portland"
"We should have just fought the bees instead"
"I started drinking at age 3"
"I did NOT mean to draw a roast beef sandwich!"
"Wait we're fighting a jacked 5 month old?!"
"Can we eat the Pegasus?"
"The Pegasus glares at you."
"The Pegasus shrugs its wings like 'WTF do you expect?"
"So you know the pokemon Gligar?" "Oh yeah it's my favorite." "Not anymore roll initiative."
P1: "I'd like to put the tea-cupboard into my bag of holding."
DM: "Okay, so you empty the cupboard into your bag of holding."
P1: "No, the WHOLE cupboard"
"I'm going to roll for lobotomy." followed by "I don't eat vegetables... WAIT, NOT IN THAT WAY!!!"
I then proceeded to roll a nat 20 for lobotomy
"Oh you adorably silly child, you ask too much of the Castigator with each and every question, for he cannot speak, he only punishes those who've earned extreme agony before death... On that note, you may wish to forget your old family"
"The ladle is all about the emotional damage!"
My dragonborn barbarian with the chef feat.
“The part of me that won. I drink the liquid nitrogen.”
"The Boulder approves this Sexual Harassment" my DM playing a Officer in a London Vampire themed Call of Cthulhu Campaign. There is no context...
"Fuck it, I'll do it. I take a bite of the dead mycanid"
GM: as the door of the abandoned lab opens you see absolute darkness , but the scanners show that the nuclear reactor is close.
Me trying to lighten the mood:“We take take a walk down to Chernobyl avenue
now things are getting hotter”
4:50 an ad RIGHT AFTER THAT ONE has gotta be the most devious thing possible
I got a few.
“You became Superman with a bathtub.”
“Moral of the story: Don’t trust white haired girls or their sharks will eat you”
Explains a session to people who weren’t there, “I jumped into a bottomless pit, got a magic tattoo, started a bar fight, almost burnt down the adventurer’s guild, got a wish spell, teleported the entire city of Waterdeep to a city with a purple ocean, got chased by the guards and drowned in the purple ocean.”
“Theoretically, I can win, it just takes 1E-99999999% chance to win.”
“In order to win D&D, we need to eat each other”
“If I have to launch a couple babies to further science, I will do it!”
From the same one-shot
"You are now in the Astral plane. This is a very bad place to be at level one."
"That is an adult silver dragon. No murder hobo schnanegans."
"You have killed the monster."
"Sir, can you give me back my bones?"
"Oh, right, butterflies aren't real"
"Your body is trembling with excitement so much so that the axe passes through your body, the molecules of both the axe and your body never touching"
"You successfully ignite the corpse of your horse"
"I have never met a tree that wasn't at least a kittle but suspicious"
Ex soldier "beam the the light towards the vampire" hazmat guy. "Throws the torch at the vampires head*
“Only moss fears me!” By our dragon born Druid who was disguised as Mario.
"I would like to remind you that Geneva Convention isn't a thing in D&D. The diamond, quartz, and Phosphorite aren't for healing spells."
This was out of context even in the campaign; "Grandma? I KILLED YOU THOUGH, HOW ARE YOU HERE?"
Barbarian kept backstory secret and I as DM allowed it
"It is an immortal potato, it doesn't need air!"
“Oh ho ho thought I was just an entertainer didn’t you? Well time to drop the act and show you just how deadly I can be!” Gaelyn Morvyre half-elf bard college of whispers.
"You gave an old man dementia."
“HA! I’m better at lying than you are”
“Yeah, but you’re shorter, so you’re going in the sewer”
“Ah, sorry. Arro has cat AIDs” - Me after multiple other party members started signing a contract with blood and someone mentions that we probably don’t have any bloodborne illnesses amongst us.
Also “How heavy is the cornucopia?” - Also me, preparing to cast catapult
“YOU ATE BRIGG??!? Tacky.”
“Great, now I gotta figure out what spirit owls eat.”
Some of my favourites come from a friend of mine:
*"Art thee stupid?"*
*"Prune thyself."*
and of course,
*"What art thee yapping about? Go take a walk."*
"Everything's fine."
"Oh no, I don't believe you at all."
My dragon character twisting her head around 180 degrees and using magic to make her eyes swirl weird colors. "Don't worry, everything's fine."
"He holds up his finger and does the "urethra" thing."
Have fun with that.
"this is why i pay for undermountain premium, no ads"
*Plays ad*
nice
Aasimar bard: "My name is Gabriel Jazz. I have travelled the Heavens and played my original music to the Gods."
- entire table groans -
“I have the Cheese Lore written down here.”
“We all do jazz hands at Demi”
“Vidu’s skulking in the back instead”
“Hit things, do big damage.”
“Thank you for this logic, Logic Man.”
“Cheese railguns now, is it, Tide?”
(Sarcastically): “I just shit myself”
“Go Go Logicman Concealed Carry!”
“literally 1384”
“In this world succubi are cuttlefish things.”
“OMG HE WAS SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES”
"The system works!"
Our party Lizardfolk barbarian, after being found innocent in a court of law of cannibalism, due to eating a drow, not another lizardfolk.
Warforged: "Sure, and I have an aftplate the size of the San Andreas."
Rouge: *whispering "Really?"*
Warforged: *"No, but I know someone who does."*
"If I need something to burn, I'll *BREATHE* on it."
"Have I been dragon-ing wrong this whole time?"
NPC Sheriff: "Never thought I'd see the day where a stoner druid was a party's Responsible Adult(TM) by default. First time for everything, indeed."
"Mother said there'd be days like this." *Tiamat visibly starts looking nervous* "Who was your mother, again?"
"Can I fart in the elemental plane of fire and change the damage to radiant?"
“Curiosity killed the Nazis” - My World Traveling Barbarian to a pack of Kobolds and an Orphanage of goblins
My b2 Battle Droid right before stabbing a stormtrooper:"I hate knock offs!"
"FIRE THE SPOONS!"
"You were hired by a horse?" *laughing*
"We were hired by a horse too." *To the first player*
"Shut up!"
"....Why don't you just shrink the guild door and carry it with you?"
"...Why not just destroy the old one and make a new one?"
"In your search for a sex shop, you break into and rob the first closed store you see, which happens to be a bakery."
Later that same session:
"You change your form to try and disguise yourself as the king to trick the robot guards into letting you go, but instead of looking like the king, you appear to be a naked caricature version of him, as you took off your clothes and forgot to put on your clown suit."
"Some might call it torture, others would call it a convenience."
I'm _so_ using this. 😂.
Setting: Rise Of Tiamat
DM to player 1: Wow, you're really over powered"
Player 2 (me): "This shouldn't be surprising, he always makes O.P characters"
Player 1: "Tiamat doesn't know what's coming! I'll show her my O.Pness!"
Cue the rest of the party absolutely losing their sh*t as the look of horror on player 1's face grows as he realizes what came out of his mouth
3:50 You are still absolutely vaporized, just slightly less.
MY group I dm has a whole discord channel of these quotes, heres a few of the best ones
"Not every situation can be solved with persuasion, sometimes you just need to stabbabitch"
"you see the bell tower thrusting up into the sky" (not my proudest description)
"has anyone touched you with magic"
"the recently undeceased"
"nobody can see it, I have a cloaca" (barbarian lizardfolk's excuse for not wearing anything but a belt)
@4:55 then I get a TH-cam Ad lol
"You know, if you just kill him, he'll stop annoying you."
"He's my party member!"
Yoooo I love this series! Cant wait for more!
"The koi shrugs... somehow."
"Let's go eat them Dead Drow." (From a Half-Orc Fighter PC after the party kills hostile Drow)
"I'd like to roll stealth to milk the cow."
"Who Fridged Roger Rabbit?"
"the boulder says nothing"
"I don't care if it *IS* a decanter of endless water, you CANNOT WATERBOARD A MEREFOLK!"
"As you emerge from the latrine, the goblins scatter, not wanting to get near you for some reason."
"I roll to vote for candidate x." "You dont have to roll for that." "I roll anyway!" *nat 1* "congratulations, you somehow voted for the wrong guy."
"Why are you handing me a liver? I asked you to deliver a message." "I assure you, the recipient is quite de-livered."
"When *do* the cows come home, anyway?"
My character: "Ah sweet apples! What's that green one?"
Shopkeeper: "Oh that's a honey sunrise." (The DM made up random names, I forgot them).
MC: "Oh cool! What's that red one?"
SK: "That's a ruby treasure."
MC: "Awesome! What's that pair shaped one?"
SK: "That's a pair..."
Me: "YOUR MOTHER WAS A HYENA AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A CHICKEN!"
Our Cleric: "I've gotta cook these drugs up. I'm sure everyone else will be fine."
Me: "I've got the mask! Hey, no! Down! Bad mask! Bad!"
"Welcome to Bloodbath & Beyond"
---
"The H in Southern Hospitality stands for Hostility"
---
P1: "I'm going to roast his arm!"
P2: "Vicious Mockery or fire?"
---
Player: "Show us the dilf"
DM: "What?"
Player: "Show us the dilf."
DM: "Elves are very hard to find dilves for"
Player: "Then show us the old twink!"
---
"You thought I wouldn't butter your NPC? *Fool!"*
"I'm sorry, but your level of stupidity has rendered me speechless "
"I know I shouldn't do it. I know shouldn't do it. I'm going to do it "
*Talking to the 4month old baby* "baby dm, what is your wisdom? "
Baby dm: "AAAAAYYYYAAA!"
Also baby dm: "okay, alright"
One of my favorite video series! I see I click!
“So, have you ever heard of wind?”
10:53 Hey! That's one I submitted ages ago! You wouldn't believe how giddy I was to hear that in this episode.
“ I thought you said give them broken bones, not break their bones.” -me
Also, from last week: “ You know roll disadvantage on all things chicken related.”
One player offers Green dragon drugs. "Oh my gosh that's the good stuff." Immediately swallows all of it. "You're free to leave, now I'm going to go eat all your friends."
Player character: "allright."
Funniest ending to a oneshot we ever had.
Ok. These are absolutely hilarious. I need to know the context behind a lot of them.
DM: “Let’s just put 10,000 arrows in there”
Wizard: “You might not want to stand there I’m gonna just blast whatever is there, even allies. I don’t like any of you”
Paladin: “In space isn’t every side starboard?”
Cleric: “What’s your name?”
Rouge: “His names Jasper”
Cleric: “I wasn’t asking you!”
Ranger: “Thats racist it has a spider butt”
Ranger: “I’ll just stab things with my bow. That’s how things work”
Oh. I can crush this. My players and I meet in person, but manage the campaign through Discord. We have a channel called "quotes." Here are some of the best ones. *Ahem:*
"What if demons are like... bacteria?"
"Do not 'lube up' a turtle."
"The fate of the world is between my booty cheeks."
"You piss grease?"/"Yeah, high fat diet."
"What's a laxative for emotional constipation?"/"Therapy."
"Why does being a werewolf preclude you from loan payments?"
"First of all, as a free action, I would like to call you a wh*re."
"My pronouns are you'll/die."
"How does a god have this much religious trauma?"
"The cut's gonna be immaculate."/"You know what your cut's gonna be? In memoriam."
"THERE ARE NO DUNGEONS, THERE ARE NO DRAGONS! WHAT ARE WE PLAYING?!"
"What other ways can the rock be heavy?"/"Like... magically?"
"Mama raised a liar. But not for this."
"Find my crack, Bane."
"Someone thirst trapped too close to the sun and now they're having regrets."
"I will throw you, you little wide ass kettlebell."
"Yo horse god you ever fight a genie? Wanna try?"
"Rob is Jewish, a gamer, and says bussy."
This is the tip of the iceberg.
"Wait one more time, so is the horse the hostage or the hostage taker?"
C1: "Tusevano... a tiny man just walked into your beard..."
C2: (just waking up) "Huh? oh, thats just juniper."
C3: (Currently transformed into a wolf) "Woof!" [he gave me strawberries!]
C2: "Yeah Junipers nice like that."
C1: "WHAT?! YOU SPEAK WOLF NOW TOO?!"
C2: "You can't? Even Weeday can." (refering to barbarian)
C1: "Well woof wuf wof then."
C2/3/4 (Sharing the same braincell): "WHAT YOU DID YOU JUST CALL OUR MOTHERS?!"
...
C1: "Okay, so you believe this... juniper... is an invisible being that... helps you? what do you believe in fairy tails too?"
C2: "Sprite actually."
C1: "Tusevano. Fairy tails. aren't. real!" (proceeds to be stabbed multiple times by an angry invisible sprite)
...
C1: "Okay, I'm bringing it up. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR STOMACH TUSEVANO?!?!"
C2: "It's disagreeing with me so I'm threatening it with your cooking!"
Achievement Unlocked: America
"Can I roll for forced miscarriage?"
One of the few questions I've said NO to.
You know damn well my parent's didn't die to no bullshit ass Corgis!
I went to a temple, and conferred with... what I can assume... is a magic man.
“SWORD HAND!”
“Dropkicks! The best kind of kicks”
“Wait you pick me up
Ye
IM 5’10!
And?”
“And she got a werewolf? She must have +10 in animal handling”
“Curse of schlong”
I don’t know who Angie is, but I already love them
“DM, can I be thrown at the BBEG?”
“What the hell?”
“Can. I. Be. Thrown. At. The. Monster?”
“Everybody in favor of throwing Wizard at BBEG?”
“Aye. Aye. Aye.”
“Ranger picks up Mage and throws it at Monster, roll strength.”
“17!”
“Mage manages to bitch slap the monster for 2 damage and falls to the ground. Mage broke his neck.”
“Was it worth it?”
“Fuck yeah.”
So many of these go together like a story