I mean they could make them credits for handjobs so if you buy one, you can sell it to someone else. That would make them transferrable liquid assets which could help.
Hahaa! I used to read the Onion’s PAPER that was free in my city many moons ago... I love the fact that modern technology has made it possible for us to watch real acted sketches on our phones/computers! I LOVE THEIR twisted sense of humor! The Onion Rocks!! Never stop making genius comedic parodies for sick people like me, PLEASE!!! 😆✌️👍😂🎉😁🤣
I know a guy who used to host a heavy metal radio show during college in a town which had a medium security men's prison. He would often get phone calls to the show that would say something like "You have a collect call from: PLAY CANNIBAL CORPSE!... An inmate at Hill Correctional Center, to accept charges, press 1--" The inmates would call in song requests by saying their request instead of their name, so the radio station wouldn't need a prison phone call payment account to get the message.
Absolutely love this. Most places they have a pre-recorded name for the account and you can't do that. Always been a thought. Easy way to get a message across without paying if it still did work
Got a family member doing time, this still works in some places. He'll call in and tell us how he's doing, to say hello, stuff like that instead of saying his name. It saves a lot of money over time.
Dude I think you are confusing actual economists from politicians and pundits. Actual economists are credible, pundits, commentators and politicians have reasons to conceal the truth.
As long as the blade didn't break off inside your gut, you could pull it out and use cleaned bed sheet bandages to patch the stab wound, but clean sheet bandages are a very rare commodity. I suggest as a professional prison moonshine maker to keep your cigarettes in the deeper parts of your prison pocket, but that's just me, as I can easily make 10-15 packs a week, and I can get up to 30 if the ingredients the guards get me are high-quality and we get a fresh batch of new inmates, who are oblivious to the economy.
American news ain't shit. I saw two soldiers blindfolded and tied up get smashed to death with a sledge hammer on Mexican news. A cartel sent them the video and told them they would attack the news office if they didn't play it, so they played it. Never a dull moment there.
I'm sorry to say that a decade later, due to the new restrictions on smoking, the price of cigarettes has skyrocketed to 5 handjobs and 3 beef jerky. We may be closing in on an economic crash, maybe the worst we've seen since the Prison Market Crash of 1926.
Evan Poole Holders are loosing face in such inflation, tensions rise. There may be new kings of jail as Lil Daps, a newcomer from last year, comes into play.
I hoarded aromatic soaps, they called me a dumbass, a sissy and all, but with so many handjobs going around, my penis is getting sore, and I've never eaten so many damn beef jerkies
My God any higher and we’re talking Blow Jobs territory a shame weed hasn’t stabilized the market as many hoped, turns out it wasn’t good to be high in a place people are constantly trying to rape you
@@knova7597 nothing could be worse than 2015 Australia dependence cash, where cigarettes rose to 2 blow jobs and a hand job. some traders hung thems selves that day
Onion; A slock always trades for a stick and a muff bag no matter what the cigarette market is doing! The two things are the same thing, it’s just a sock with something in it? Otherwise, best video on youface hands down.
Looking back at this I can’t believe it used to be so cheap, prison economy has gotten insane. I’m not proud what Big Dap had me do for that carton of smokes
I'm a lawyer in California. Before I got my license, this clip was definitely one of my favorites. But I can tell you, after talking to criminal defendants and spending time with them "on the inside", this clip is as spooky as it is funny. In my client's case, ramen and bags of chips are the main medium of exchange.
@@Ethan.s.. they still gold the ban just made them more rare and expensive. its extreamly easy to get drugs in jail since alchol is easily made from sugar and fruit, and the pharmacy gives away pills.
@@colonel1003 ah you are also active randomly, let's watch videos while either we randomly choose to become swole like Etika or become a kinda gragas like reckful
Always have to watch twice to read the bottom scroll. One favorite: “Steady job is the only thing keeping Oregon State prison guard out of prison” BWaahaa
This is what News used to sound like, and still does in some places. But most of the time you're just getting opinion and the joke of serious people talking seriously about unserious things becomes more and more abstract.
This is really not that far off from the truth. In prison, some people run shops, which is really a market maker in finance. They set the price, buy and sell products and collect the spread. The price of course would fluctuate reacting to real events.
@@sebastienh1100 probably from Chicken claw Jonny. He lost three fingers on his right hand to an alligator he smuggled. Now he only has a thumb and his middle finger left. I heard someone refer to them as "magical"
Well, if Big Dap's running a major cigarette distribution center in prison, chances are he's a felon -- which means he has zero chance of ever getting a US passport.
@Jojoforpres Ramen is essentially monopoly money. It has no value and isn't even worth the dough it is made from. You want to see a better return, invest in beef jerky. Trust me a pack of smokes will level off at exactly one stick of beef jerky. Now a pack of smokes has what a dozen in a pack. Ten to be safe. All ten of those smokes will equal one stick of jerky. If four equal a handjob. It sends to reason that a pack of smokes is two and a half hjs vs one stick of jerky. You do the math.
@Arturo Ochoa used to be widespread in prisons but they took cigarettes off commisarry in most states which is why they are so expensive in prison as they have to be smuggled in
I know this came out 8 years ago, but my friend Jon and I still quote this video to this day. The two most used quotes are from Big Dab... "fucked him up good in the libary" describing someone getting beat up, and "that's the way the market is gonna be for a while" describing a bothersome situation that will eventually resolve itself. good stuff. It's weird how certain quotes stick with you and your friends.
Onion is so funny its almost like a news Channel in an alternate reality where all normality is thrown out the window and replaced with all things gory, immoral and hyper-sexual!!
As a supporter of Newport®, I can understand the drastic price jumping in prison. Ive never been to prison, but the smooth, subtle taste and that minty fresh first puff of menthol can make the sellers take full advantage of the addiction.
Hmm, I don't like it. Seeing how fast the exchange rates have been rising we may see a crash sooner or later. Honestly, I advise anyone reading to change currency to pin-up posters. Those are a much more reliable payment.
@BillyFreeTX yep you're right with the way the current market is you always gotta have multiple avenues just in case one of your other assets become unprofitable
A pack of cigarettes literally will sell for over one hundred dollars in prison these days and you can and will make even more money selling single cigarettes as you can break down one cigarette to make three and sell each one for $2.50 to $5.00 each depending on location and how much is in circulation... Yeah that’s not a lie.
Big dap was wrong, cigarette demand ramped up dramatically and became uncorrected, now at up to 20 handjobs per pack, or five ramens. It's the new normal
Incredibly detailed skit. Even the ticker tape at the bottom has prisons by name alongside real stocks. The headlines are hilarious as well. Dialogue is top notch and matches financial news cadence. I laugh harder the more I watch it.
I feel this would make for a great Mini Series called "Prison Stonks" where they Just Talk about the Stock Market and value of Shit Like handjobs, cigarrettes and they would have the Same people in every Episode With their own personality
The way Hal says, "how's it going big dap" is honest to God one of the best-delivered lines in the history of acting
Its one of the most underrated parts of the whole video.
Big cap was great on "THE WIRE" played Cheese.
@@user-xr4cb3pw8k Big Dap played Detective Vern. Method Man played Cheese.
A great show. Don't make like that anymore.
My mistake.
I trust The Onion. It’s this not non-biased news source that doesn’t try to instill fear, they give us the facts and only the facts.
"Real" news has become such a parody of itself that The Onion is no longer a parody of it. The Onion is parody of the way news USED to be presented.
😆
not non biased?
They don't instill fear? Are you kidding? How about all of us that have our money invested in hand jobs?
This video gave me fear
How does the Onion find these actors that can keep a straight face this long?
Seriously, these actors can give Leslie Nielsen a run for his money.
I am sure it took multiple takes.
The actor playing 'Big Dap Ramirez' also played 'Vernon Holley' ( Homicide Detective ) from "The Wire"
Well I'm sure these are all aspiring actors who are looking for a break and it probably took multiple takes.
godsavant how hard is it to believe that this is just real news?
The jokes-per-minute ratio of this video is insane. The ticker, the graphics, you almost have to watch it three times to catch everything.
I'm on my 300th viewing and still finding new things 😆
@@fredobergthat's what life is about, always finding new things
@@fredobergdid you find the mention of you gotta be careful of your ass sets
“I M G E T T I N G A L O T O F H A N D J O B S”
AfroMoose 253 - And I, for one, am very happy for you!!
I’m not getting enough....
@@bradameerbeg2154 - If you "can't afford the
going market rate then, you're plum out of
the market then aren't you, MATE"? LOL
I came looking for this comment, thank you
"I've been getting a lot of handjobs"
"Now, it's obviously a boom time for cigarettes-"
"I am getting a lot of hand jobs."
He said it so casually too LMFAO
I mean they could make them credits for handjobs so if you buy one, you can sell it to someone else.
That would make them transferrable liquid assets which could help.
"All i can say is monitor your asses carefully"
@@YourFriendlyOfficeAssistant😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
"How nervous are investors? its hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear"😂😂 their writers are so good. Hilarious
How do they come up with this shit
Hahaa! I used to read the Onion’s PAPER that was free in my city many moons ago... I love the fact that modern technology has made it possible for us to watch real acted sketches on our phones/computers! I LOVE THEIR twisted sense of humor! The Onion Rocks!! Never stop making genius comedic parodies for sick people like me, PLEASE!!! 😆✌️👍😂🎉😁🤣
"Naked women picture acquisition"
@@angelwild9145 69 👍
@@ryanjung4416 sense, would say common sense but that's not true
This is ridiculous. We need an controlled economy so that a pack of cigarettes never exceeds 1.5 HJs again.
@joebiden
💀💀 "1.5" Poor guy has to do it himself now
What even is a ".5" HJ?
@@addambelmont3050 half a hand job
@@addambelmont3050 At current market rates it’s worth about two triple A batteries and a half-used bar of soap.
I am damn glad I gave up smoking! I'm getting a bit old and my wrist just wouldn't take it
Pfft. Quitter.
@bandr I'll leave that to you heavy smokers
hahahahah nice joke,
to guys didnt get, think about "wrist" and 2 handjobs.
Better start trading gummies then
Waichung Sham what would I get for 5 flinstone gummies get
“Moving on to happier news, Two snitches were beaten to death”
lmao the onion is the only source of news I trust
Nice pfp
😆😄😂
@@TyroneBiggums789you onow what they say, "snitches go in ditches"
.. best news in a while.
This news is very alarming. Stay safe Big Dap. The market truly is unpredictable in these trying times.
I will, don't you worry. I'd worry more about your own assets. Monitor your assets carefully...
Quarentine fucked up big dap's business i hope his business recovers after this pandemic
🤣😂🤣
@@bigdapramirez6157 sheer dedication and will
Is that supposed to be an exaggeration?
"I fucked him up in the library, but that's how the market's gonna be for a while." 🤷🏿♂
"It is."
*lie-bary
Surprisingly accurate depiction of a market trade mechanism
I don't know about these other inmates, but personally, I've been cashing out
lmao
Just remember to monitor your assets carefully
Hows it going Big Dap?
@@mohamedabdourahman9845 not so good. still healing from that bitch Jango and his deathshank toothbrush. It's a slow process.
@@bigdapramirez6157 man, im something of a cigarette investor myself, are you looking for an investor Big Dap Ramirez?
...Supply will normalize ! Monitor your assets carefully !!
_Nezim. S I lol'd
Monitor your *ASS*ets carefully.
Words to live by
"I fucked him up bad in the li-barry"
@@ztotheu2974 After fucking up his "bitch", Bi-Larry.
I know a guy who used to host a heavy metal radio show during college in a town which had a medium security men's prison. He would often get phone calls to the show that would say something like "You have a collect call from: PLAY CANNIBAL CORPSE!... An inmate at Hill Correctional Center, to accept charges, press 1--"
The inmates would call in song requests by saying their request instead of their name, so the radio station wouldn't need a prison phone call payment account to get the message.
Absolutely love this. Most places they have a pre-recorded name for the account and you can't do that. Always been a thought. Easy way to get a message across without paying if it still did work
lol That's clever
Got a family member doing time, this still works in some places. He'll call in and tell us how he's doing, to say hello, stuff like that instead of saying his name. It saves a lot of money over time.
Sounds like they saw that classic Geico commercial starring Bob Wehadababyitsaboy.
That's nice. A treat for the inmates.
How do onion writers pin down prison slang so accurately. Amazing
I am sure the writers do not want you to know.
Know what? He didn't ask a question, he made a rhetorical statement.🙄@@answerman9933
How do you know what's accurate?
@@leandrog2785Meet me in the prison courtyard in an hour and I'll tell you.
Look at a photo of Herman T. Zweibel and tell me those aren't the eyes of a man who's done hard time
To be honest, Big Dap sounds more credible when talking market than actual economists
It’s the post-nut clarity from all those handies taking effect
Dude I think you are confusing actual economists from politicians and pundits. Actual economists are credible, pundits, commentators and politicians have reasons to conceal the truth.
I am
Shut up dummy
Wasn't Big Dap a detective on The Wire?
*gets stabbed
Me: This is just the way the market is going to be for a while.
*gesturing to knife embedded in gut
Me: are you gonna want this back? Actual knives go for a lot these days.
*sees a guy get jumped and stabbed for his last pack of cigs
“Stocks must be down this week”
As long as the blade didn't break off inside your gut, you could pull it out and use cleaned bed sheet bandages to patch the stab wound, but clean sheet bandages are a very rare commodity. I suggest as a professional prison moonshine maker to keep your cigarettes in the deeper parts of your prison pocket, but that's just me, as I can easily make 10-15 packs a week, and I can get up to 30 if the ingredients the guards get me are high-quality and we get a fresh batch of new inmates, who are oblivious to the economy.
He fucked him up good in the library though, so the market will recover
Shoutout to all the people coming here to cram for their Prison Economics Finals!
Just Some Guy with a Mustache you are everywhere and Fuck mayo!
“Trickled down” prison economics
Unfortunately, I'm actually just procrastinating on my geometry.
Man if i was back i school id totally write a sarcastic paper on this for economics. Make the profs day haha
Here too?! You really are everywhere!
The best line delivery is : “How’s it going, Big Dap?”.
Priceless
And that little face "smile/handshake" **chef's kiss**
"How nervous are investors?"
"Well it's hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear."
LMAO
snowdaysrule2 R O F L!
I am litrally shakin RN LOL LMAO XD MY DUDE HAHA UP TOP MY RAD TUBULAR FELLOW
that the one right there! OHH SHIT!
Does this mean that investors invest handjobs?
Which are then stored as cigarettes and returned to investors in the form of more handjobs over time?
This economy sounds like a giant circlejerk to me 🤔
Taffy Adam bruh shut the fuck up
Hold up I thought a beef jerky and a hand job were the same thing
😶
oh i get it XD nice one
*walks up to the cashier* I’d like one of these famous handjobs, please
Bruh
English is not my first language, can someone please explain it to me?
If the news was actually like this I might actually watch it
James Walton it's getting there, especially American and EU sponsored media. You should be an avid watcher of the news by now.
4 years later..... u must be addicted to news by now
This is literally Wall Street in nutshell
American news ain't shit. I saw two soldiers blindfolded and tied up get smashed to death with a sledge hammer on Mexican news. A cartel sent them the video and told them they would attack the news office if they didn't play it, so they played it. Never a dull moment there.
This is fake yea? If it’s not I’ll just gouge my eyes out over there lol
I always found economics tough to grasp, this piece too flew over my head.
But do you know what isn't tough to grasp?
@@stirfryjedi this DICK
@@stirfryjedia big stick of beef jerky
I'm sorry to say that a decade later, due to the new restrictions on smoking, the price of cigarettes has skyrocketed to 5 handjobs and 3 beef jerky. We may be closing in on an economic crash, maybe the worst we've seen since the Prison Market Crash of 1926.
Evan Poole Holders are loosing face in such inflation, tensions rise. There may be new kings of jail as Lil Daps, a newcomer from last year, comes into play.
I hoarded aromatic soaps, they called me a dumbass, a sissy and all, but with so many handjobs going around, my penis is getting sore, and I've never eaten so many damn beef jerkies
Lube is now literally worth its price in gold($1,800 per oz).
My God any higher and we’re talking Blow Jobs territory a shame weed hasn’t stabilized the market as many hoped, turns out it wasn’t good to be high in a place people are constantly trying to rape you
@@knova7597 nothing could be worse than 2015 Australia dependence cash, where cigarettes rose to 2 blow jobs and a hand job. some traders hung thems selves that day
"Moving on to some happier news in Atlanta today, two snitches were beaten to death".
LMFAO. I'm dying over here.
why you a snitch?
"I ain't no snitch!"
Onion; A slock always trades for a stick and a muff bag no matter what the cigarette market is doing! The two things are the same thing, it’s just a sock with something in it?
Otherwise, best video on youface hands down.
Pure gold! I haven't laughed out loud on TH-cam like this in a long time.
I wish other news stations would be more positive and upbeat like the onion.
"Hows it going big Dap" I lol'd
Same for like 5 minutes. The straight face kills me 😅
I lost.
"Am getting alot of handjobs"
1:25
Best line and it's all in tge delivery.
This is what prison would be like if Wall Street actually had to answer to the courts
...do you mean the yard crew on the basketball courts?
"Study shows that innocent black men are now 30% less likely to go to prison than guilty black men."
and that some dude smuggled heroin inside of a weed brick
@@ryry9038 You wholly, and boastfully, missed the kernel of the original comment! Bahaha!!! Thanks for the additional laughs!
"every sixty seconds in africa, a minute passes"
@@cvspvr read it again
@@uhhPowers war, huh, yeah, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, read it again, y'all
Did anyone see that small line that read,
“3 condoms of clean piss”
Glenn Vitale I did...and I laughed hard.😂😂😂😂
Glenn Vitale I saw that lol died
How do you offset the cost of smokes?
we are the sons of winter and stars
Maybe to pass drug tests. Guys sometimes buy piss for that reason.
The way he says “How’s it going, Big Dap?” fucking kills me 1:20
Like he has a past with him lmao
@@Etorate_ I mean he would know him pretty well since he's the prison economic expert or whatever 😂😂
@@Etorate_ he does
That's the line that made me lose it.
It’s the irony that he is talking to a savage prison gang member the same way he would talk to a familiar guest contributor on the news
Looking back at this I can’t believe it used to be so cheap, prison economy has gotten insane. I’m not proud what Big Dap had me do for that carton of smokes
Oh shit, a CARTON? If 1 pack is 2 handjobs I don't even wanna know what you did for a carton
For a carton?? Haha :-) I can imagine.
"I'm getting a lot of hand jobs." lmao
Liar
Only problem is you can't resell a handjob
giving yourself a hand job, does not count.
Janaka Goonasekera
How else is someone supposed to produce a handjob they can sell to buy cigarettes?
1:25
I'm a lawyer in California. Before I got my license, this clip was definitely one of my favorites. But I can tell you, after talking to criminal defendants and spending time with them "on the inside", this clip is as spooky as it is funny. In my client's case, ramen and bags of chips are the main medium of exchange.
Cigarettes were king before they got outlawed.
What about rimjob?
@@sebastienh1100 😀😀😀
@@Ethan.s.. they still gold the ban just made them more rare and expensive. its extreamly easy to get drugs in jail since alchol is easily made from sugar and fruit, and the pharmacy gives away pills.
That can be said about most onion News videos.
"How is it going Big Dap?"
How did he kept that face straight 😂
That's why they cut away so quickly.
It wasn't easy
One of my favourite jokes in this vid is that in the list of stocks on the bottom, "Rope" is going up in the middle of an economic downturn
Wish the Onion didn't blow their whole budget during the Bush admin.
Nice name Krystal Meth
@4150 subscribers with coronavirus Reddit tier name that tries to sound something not wholesome 100.
@@colonel1003 ? reddit my ass
epic based ironic cringe
@@colonel1003 ah you are also active randomly, let's watch videos while either we randomly choose to become swole like Etika
or become a kinda gragas like reckful
“Supply will normalize, and we’ll see cigarettes return to a single hand job or less...”
CarlosChip Morales I’d guess about 4
@CarlosChip Morales you got a steal, most people would charge 6
@CarlosChip Morales 😲😖😍
If 1 cig costs say 0.99 handjobs, you've got to stop just before he comes.
This was recommended after the coronavirus destroyed the stock market!
😂😂😂😂yup
No doubt lol people be taking this too serious imo..
Toilet paper prices raises to 3 Hand jobs🤣
Jay Grows Not really idiot.
Big dap my boy he got my investments right!
This segment is so good it takes 3-4 watches to appreciate everything😭😭😭
I.have seen it at least once a year and I still get caught off guard.
The tickers at the bottom 😂
Always have to watch twice to read the bottom scroll. One favorite:
“Steady job is the only thing keeping Oregon State prison guard out of prison” BWaahaa
They had the balls to say "prison guard" and not "corrections officer."
These guys sound more legit than newscasters in 2018.
Better than FOX News
Efosa Oyegun I know fox fake vox fake cnn fake who to trust
@@grimmc5706 The two anchors from Today Now sounds legiter than any Fox News anchor I know, incl. Doocey, Hegseth or Kilmeade.
This comment did not age well into 2024
This is what News used to sound like, and still does in some places. But most of the time you're just getting opinion and the joke of serious people talking seriously about unserious things becomes more and more abstract.
Deadpan is my absolute favorite comedic style. Love the onion
Their titles always have me laughing before the video even starts. 👌quality sattire
This is really not that far off from the truth. In prison, some people run shops, which is really a market maker in finance. They set the price, buy and sell products and collect the spread. The price of course would fluctuate reacting to real events.
"a single hand job OR LESS"
I don't know how the "or less" part works
Two fingers :)
@@sebastienh1100 probably from Chicken claw Jonny. He lost three fingers on his right hand to an alligator he smuggled. Now he only has a thumb and his middle finger left. I heard someone refer to them as "magical"
premature ejaculation
Well, that means you can get more than one with one handjob. It's the common sense, duh.
3 cigarettes for 2 hand jobs?
The headlines scrolling along the bottom are hilarious.
"North Idaho Correctional Institution fined after tests find dog meat in the horse-loaf"
"Heroin found inside of marijuana brick"
"Rating: No Mature Content"
Yeah I found that a bit weird too.
@@ilikestew5719 and the snitch stabbed to death
@@punu3675 No that's fine. I would say... even nessecary for children to learn snitches end up in ditches
@@ilikestew5719 with stitches
@@hitchslap8254 of course. After they've suffered a bit
Russia right now:
LMAO
the “i am getting a lot of hand jobs” while Big Dap is getting talked over killed me
With how many Americans are in prison, I'm surprised these types of stories arent on mainstream media. Prisoners are a major demographic here
There arent that many
Viper what about the ever growing population of gay Islamic ex-convicts?
@Viper yeah because only like 0.5% of people are gay
@Viper Yeah and felons can't vote so no point in appealing to them.
@Viper yep for real, barely anyone is actually gay (not including bisexual females since those are kinda common)
So after 10 years did the price ever stabilize?
😂😂😂😂
One thing's for certain. More snitches got stitches.
Anal gives you one and a half pack of cigarettes back in my grandpa's days a bitch slap keeps you 5 packs
Yeah, with inflation these days it's up to four packs, two chocolate milks and three ramen for a decent hummer from the sisters.
I heard the bottom fell out of the market. 😄
It's 2 hand jobs in Australia, and that's not even in prison...Pack of 30's average around $40+ US dollars, big Dap should immigrate..
Well, if Big Dap's running a major cigarette distribution center in prison, chances are he's a felon -- which means he has zero chance of ever getting a US passport.
This video needs a update, ever since the ramen currency entered the market, prison economics has been revolutionized.
Mizanul Haque You young kids with your Ramen Coins. You can’t just buy all the noodles from the commissar and then claim it has value!
@Jojoforpres Ramen is essentially monopoly money. It has no value and isn't even worth the dough it is made from. You want to see a better return, invest in beef jerky. Trust me a pack of smokes will level off at exactly one stick of beef jerky. Now a pack of smokes has what a dozen in a pack. Ten to be safe. All ten of those smokes will equal one stick of jerky. If four equal a handjob. It sends to reason that a pack of smokes is two and a half hjs vs one stick of jerky. You do the math.
@Arturo Ochoa used to be widespread in prisons but they took cigarettes off commisarry in most states which is why they are so expensive in prison as they have to be smuggled in
@Jojoforpres gold is very essential in technology today..
You're confusing this time line with a time line that modern technology is a new discovery
And now toilet paper
I wouldn’t invest, clearly just a pump and dump.
[Cumdump]
Such an underrated comment 😂
How do you dump a hand job?
I am from germany and have never seen something like this intelligent, hilarious here. Thx Onion.
They have 20+ years of awesome stuff
Its shit now but the decade old stuff is amazing
From Germany to and the Positlion got some amazing stuff
Postillion, Heute Show...
@@StrawberryLegacy heute Show is more like bad version of daily show (Wich is more satirical commentary then real satire)
Dog meat in HORSE LOAF?
We used to be a proper country
😂
Possibly the best onion video.
Agreed!
Which are the runners up?
Boa constrictor therapy is up there
future news 2137.
White Girl Has to be Tried as a Black Man
I know this came out 8 years ago, but my friend Jon and I still quote this video to this day. The two most used quotes are from Big Dab... "fucked him up good in the libary" describing someone getting beat up, and "that's the way the market is gonna be for a while" describing a bothersome situation that will eventually resolve itself. good stuff. It's weird how certain quotes stick with you and your friends.
Brian Evans u have a playslist that says mine but has someone else’s video in it of Jesús
Supply will normalize, may go back down to 1 hand job
haha, wish i had someone to quote ancient onion news clips with
Those quotes stuck with me too! I think it's cus his delivery is stellar.
With all due respect, he said “li-berry” not “brary”
"That's the way the market's gonna be for a while." damn near killed me with this one
I personally own a ton of Rim Job stock, glad to see it doing well
It's a long-term investment. Profits follow a circular cycle.
Mike Adriano is a big investor.
- Whats happening hal
- Hows it going big dap
'Steady job only thing keeping Oregon prison guard out of prison' Fuck I love The Onion
As a finance major, this is my favorite video on TH-cam
americans will use anything but the metric system i swear
As a finance & economics student this is fn hilarious!
Dude, I'm right there with you. I'm dying over here
"Weve got slocks at a stick and a muff bag" (report indicates this is up from 2 cans of mackerel) ROFL
Wile E. Coyote As an ex-con I find this hilarious.....
As a person who used to own money this was pretty hilarious too.
As a person who understands basic economics without having to pay $250,000.00 I find this fn hilarious.
"And for some happier news, today, two snitches were beaten to death"
In class last month we had a group of girls give presentation about economics and used the onion as a source. XD
This was aheaf of its time
The actor playing 'Big Dap Ramirez' also played 'Vernon Holley' ( Homicide Detective ) from "The Wire"
Brian Anthony Wilson
I knew I recognized him!!!
I always thought they used random people from the street or random employees..
and the detective in limitless
Onion is so funny its almost like a news Channel in an alternate reality where all normality is thrown out the window and replaced with all things gory, immoral and hyper-sexual!!
Dark Scorpion Alternate universe Diamond Joe Biden is my favorite.
like today?
Well fox news is an entertainment channel and people believed them. lol
It's called "satire"
Mu Effe yeah but we can all agree that CNN is the worst
I guess Django was unchained.
More like Django detained.
“The market should stabilize and we’ll see cigarettes return to one hand job or less” Well that aged poorly.
Yeah legit had to blow a guy for just one cig
So how many hand jobs does a smoke cost you nowadays?
How much is it now? 3 handjobs, 4? A blowjob even?
Why?
@@mediocreman2i had to start giving blowjobs just to afford a cigarette.
As a supporter of Newport®, I can understand the drastic price jumping in prison. Ive never been to prison, but the smooth, subtle taste and that minty fresh first puff of menthol can make the sellers take full advantage of the addiction.
judo4 bagels yes, precisely
newports are unsmokeable garbage
Smiley Tats *Sponsered by Newport®
Anna Gruber, booo Marlboro, yay Camel!
Damn bro, you got a sponsorship or something?
Lmao this goes "hand in hand" with the corona virus
I see what you did there 👀
Woah there pal social distancing don’t hold others’ hands
@@cannae920 I don't think they were holding each other's "hands".
I love how serious they are about it. LOL
Ironically, those prisoners are more trustworthy than actual Wall Street types!
The funniest thing about all this is that Big Dap is mentioned in a Harvard Law & Policy Review Article
Source?
@@loungekiller Mayo
@@cokelife5831 Is that an instrument?
@@qty1315 no this is patrick😆
Can't believe no one has mentioned: that's the actor who played Detective Vernon Holley in the Wire
I was sitting here trying to remember where I’ve seen him thanks!!
I knew he was vernon holley!
He also had a one episode appearance on the Sopranos
Clearly he needs to get a bigger role in something, he's got acting chops.
Exept someone did, two years before you;). Sorry to burst your bubble.
Damn why is this reccomended to me just now ???? Not earlier haha
The Corona stockmarket panic most likely.
It's probably a sign that you will be going to prison soon. You'll need to know this stuff.
Mark Flierl pray for me i guess I’m snuggling in as many packs of cigarettes
Man I was a correctional officer for 7yrs and this shit was funny as hell.
“Slocks at a stick and a muff bag” “that’s incredible” “yes”
Hmm, I don't like it. Seeing how fast the exchange rates have been rising we may see a crash sooner or later.
Honestly, I advise anyone reading to change currency to pin-up posters. Those are a much more reliable payment.
@BillyFreeTX yep you're right with the way the current market is you always gotta have multiple avenues just in case one of your other assets become unprofitable
As a former CO, I find this extra hilarious.
"When we return, we will get to some happier news where 2 snitches were beaten to death."
I didn’t know Edward Snowden used to report for The Onion
LUL
Looks nothing like him
"How's it goin big dap" I'm high and that made me laugh
It seemd so real haha
Pill Traders report Rimjob Trading:
"Surprisingly active"
A pack of cigarettes literally will sell for over one hundred dollars in prison these days and you can and will make even more money selling single cigarettes as you can break down one cigarette to make three and sell each one for $2.50 to $5.00 each depending on location and how much is in circulation... Yeah that’s not a lie.
Big dap was wrong, cigarette demand ramped up dramatically and became uncorrected, now at up to 20 handjobs per pack, or five ramens. It's the new normal
Man i got out of prison last year.
This is true about the prison economy.
Incredibly detailed skit. Even the ticker tape at the bottom has prisons by name alongside real stocks. The headlines are hilarious as well. Dialogue is top notch and matches financial news cadence. I laugh harder the more I watch it.
"Pill traders report rimjob trading 'surprisingly active'"
"Well, most analysts are tracing it back to the Brothers/Paisas pop-off at San Quention Friday..." 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
care to explain, i missed the meaning of that one
@@iRjarlok Brothers = Black Inmates, Paisas = Hispanic Inmates, "pop-off" = fight (usually between two gangs).
@@iRjarlok
Specifically Paisas are Mexican immigrants in prison.
better news than cnn
Malibu Beatz the onion is more real than any American propaganda outlet. The onion gives you straight facts on some gay things.
Or fox
randall2020 nice try lib
i would like to add that the algorithm doesn’t agree with this comment. I had to scroll for 10 minutes.
I feel this would make for a great Mini Series called "Prison Stonks" where they Just Talk about the Stock Market and value of Shit Like handjobs, cigarrettes and they would have the Same people in every Episode With their own personality
This'll make a great pegi 18 show to air on HBO,or Adult Swim,and less likely netflix and more or less likely HBO Max
yeah but why stonks and not stocks
That sound great im robbing your idea
@@tubaraofeio1053 stonks
@@tubaraofeio1053 because #GAMESTONK!
His best advice is monitor your ASSets carefully.
The Onion... One of the rare jems that Wisconsin gave to the world.
The Onion and Ellsworth Cheese Curds. At least the 2 good things from there are very good things.
The only thing Wisconsin gave the world.
@@connorutegg2486 the electric guitar?
What about the Packers? I'm in Green Bay by the way lol !!!!
Don't forget Red Letter Media.
Step one: give yourself two hand jobs.
Step two: free cigarettes.
step 3:profit
Stonks
This video inspired me to learn about the stock market nearly a decade ago. Thank you Big Dap
Moving on to some happier news, *Two snitches were B E A T E N T O D E A T H*
"two snitches were beaten to death" I lol'd
Your profile picture pls