How The Self-Care Industrial Complex Made Us Cheap
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 มิ.ย. 2022
- In this video, Chelsea shares her unfiltered thoughts on the seemingly increasing trend of being not just frugal, but cheap. Click here to join the $4.99 tier of The Society at TFD and get immediate access to our members-only bonus content: th-cam.com/users/thefinancialdiet...
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I hate that flaking is so common now. If you don't want to go, just say it. Don't commit to something you don't intend on doing.
This is why I don’t invite people to do anything anymore. People will always say they are game, until the last min and then bow out. I got burned on quite a few trips that way. Now, I travel solo and pay for no one.
Thank you! Why is it so hard for grown adults to say no when people ask them to go to things? I would much rather someone say no to me than get ghosted or play a guessing game with them
@@sha2596 same! I have like two people whom I can rely on to stick to plans we make or at least give me enough notice if things change. For everyone else, I take any "plan" they seem hyped about with a grain of salt. I've even tried bringing it up to one of those flakey friends, telling them how it seems like they never put in the effort to make plans, they'll agree to a plan and then when the logistics get worked out, they flake. And they'll apologize and promise to try harder. But nope, they never initiate and trying to get them to join gatherings is like pulling teeth. And you betcha they'll use mental health as an excuse sometimes. Then I'll see them post IG story upon IG story of their other more "aesthetic" outings with their more "aesthetic" friends. Like if you don't feel like hanging out, just be honest, you coward.
Unfortunately a lot of people grew up essentially being punished for refusal and even if they don't realize it that can have long lasting effects also some people's memories aren't the best, etc. Honestly alot of the time though it's because of things deeper than the surface level and they just haven't gotten around to figuring it out yet
@@obscvritas3601 that always burns. They'll flake on you but not on others. If I ever saw that I wouldn't even bother with them anymore.
I'm so glad somebody FINALLY said it! Listening to your homegirl is not emotional labor 🙄
Yes! Supposed to be a component of friendship.
It really annoys me how people took the entirely legitimate concept of unpaid emotional labor and turned it into, like... being a decent human being. Unpaid emotional labor is supposed to apply to the concept of the "second shift" wherein, on an overall cultural level, women come home and do far more work than their male partners. Extrapolate to the emotional side of things, and you get things like having to constantly remind your partner to do their share, always being the one in charge of remembering important dates and maintaining connections (e.g. "honey, your sister's birthday is coming up so I've written you a note reminding you to call her"), and being the only one who deals with your kids' emotions. You know, things that actually create an imbalance in a relationship, and things that are an actual cultural problem. And then people turn that into "I can't believe that my best friend wants me to drop everything to perform the emotional labor of going to see her after her nasty breakup." Hello???? What do you think a best friend is??? Having a relationship with another person means that you do things for them sometimes! Get over yourself and go buy your bestie some chocolates!
I used to buy into this becaue my old girlfriend never ever asked about me but always dumped. It is exhausting. It is emotional labor if you feel resentful and unequal in the friendship. If you have a healthy relationship and love your friend it will not be any issue at all
Not emotional labour, but an aspect of work that involves your emotions. I see nothing wrong with acknowledging that listening to your homegirl can be emotionally draining even when you have a reciprocal relationship with them
@@amentrison2794 emotional drain and emotional labor are different
They do overlap in areas just not in their entirety
“The joy of being able to treat each other”
I’ve always thought that if I had to worry about who owes who $4.73... are we really friends?
It’s definitely not worth going after someone for such a small amount. But when the same person is picking up the tab or spending more money each time they get together that is an unhealthy friendship.
Clear communication is preferable to nebulous expectations of reciprocity. Its not about the money, its about being considerate and not burdening other people with a constant reciprocity spiral.
yes well my friends seem to be just fine when I would cover everything . I was being paid well and no problem.
then I am not working and yes I want to split everything now and all of a sudden ... I'm getting the snotty attitude like this women has.
this women is totally detached from how incredibly selfish she is. If she was truly giving there would be a completely different tone to her rants.
not everyone is a social being. I don't go around telling everyone about all the generous things I do because I do it from a genuine place.
and when I do not have the bandwidth for sharing ... for whatever valid reason I have ... I do not owe anyone an explanation as to why I'm generous in one area and not with another.
you know who your friends are when all of a sudden you are not as generous as you had been previously.
again very short sighted perspective , as I find often with this person.
@@gracemullen8183 totally agree. It’s not even a friendship if there’s zero reciprocity. That’s just a leach.
@@mausklick1635 yeah, it definitely shouldn’t feel like a game of reciprocity tag. That’s also exhausting.
I also think this theory of crappy/cheap behavior towards others justified by a hugely self centered perspective translates realllllly easily to dating app culture. Apps allow humans to become disposable products to be consumed rather than actual beings with feelings.
Totally agree
I have never seriously used a dating app and this is why. I'm not inherently against them; one of my best friends met his now-wife through an online dating site and they've been married over ten years. But any time I've been on one I feel like I'm picking people off a menu at a restaurant and it just feels weird...
Very interesting perspective!!!
This is as true as the sky is blue! Yes!
Ive noticed this too. On the dating apps you are meeting a stranger who you have no social obligation to and therefore dont need to take accountability if things go awry.
GIRL YES. I'm an introvert, and the culture of "cancel plans at the last minute just because you don't want to go" is giving us all a bad name. That is not an Introvert Thing, that is a Disrespectful Jerk Thing. It's really not that hard to know on Wednesday that you're feeling burned out and tired and may want to spend the weekend quietly watching Netflix instead of going out for brunch on Sunday and give them advance notice so they can get someone else to have brunch with, you know? How do people who don't understand that even keep friends?!
I believe the lack of communication isn't to be intentionally disrespectful. It's a combination of guilt for having to cancel, plus having to explain why - which is its own type of confrontation of one's problems (whether financially or emotionally burdened) that people are afraid to disclose. There's also a lot of conditions such as autism, ADHD, personality disorders, social anxiety disorders, post-traumatic disorders, clinical depression, etc. that affect the brain's executive function. This is the part of the brain that controls motivation, decision-making, punctuality, commitment, etc. People who struggle with a lack of executive function, tend to be the ones who cancel or remember important things last minute. They bank on their friends and family's forgiveness, bc the pain of having to discuss one's inability to meet loved ones expectations hurts far more than the pain of loved ones being mad at them.
Even though at some point the flaky person is going to have to admit their failure, they'll still push the confrontation back as much as they can until they're forced to make the dreaded phone call or text. And trust me, they hate themselves for it and feel shame for not being more present. Now yes of course there are a few exceptions of shitheads who are jerks, but for the most part, the general public falls into the category I just mentioned. Our society is steeped deep in mental issues, financial instability, and social isolation (via an abundance of technology). I think some people have embraced this "self-care" justification bc it's easier to lean on this reasoning for their behavior, than it is to confront the guilt of being incapable of measuring up.
Idk about everyone else, but I feel sympathy for our society and am not so willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater. On the surface, it seems like a hyper-individualistic culture, however underneath is a population that is starved for stability in health, financial freedom, and social connection, but who are forced to isolate bc the shame of their circumstances is so overwhelming. This is coupled with the constant measuring of ourselves against the social media veneer of "happy beautiful & successful" people online. This behavior isn't about introverts, it's about a society that got left behind by the people in charge and that lack proper coping skills for how to engage in their environment. This video is mainly about the few jerks, I know - but I am seeing a lot of comments here that are projecting the bad behavior of a minority unto the masses, which is unfair.
@@YourMajesty143 you're feeling empathy 💖
Sympathy isn't strong enough to generate the internal force to do what you just did
@@nicholaslandry6367 - Thank you kind stranger, and likewise 💖
Thank you! I'm an introvert & I practice self care. I don't flake on folks-I let them know UP FRONT if I don't want to do something. Like you said...this is just jerk behavior.
@@YourMajesty143 It's weird when people explain this kind of thing to me, assuming that I DON'T have any of the issues you mentioned. I am chronically ill and have PTSD and anxiety. I was a ward of the state for some years as a teenager, so I'd be one of those people society "left behind." AND YET... I am still able to be on time and cancel plans with a reasonable amount of notice if I need to. It was a SKILL that I LEARNED, actively researched and practiced, because it is damaging to relationships to just bail on people, be chronically late or fail to show up, and disrespect their time and effort to be in your life. I want to preserve those relationships, so I make the effort. I am not perfect, but I TRY... which builds good will for those times every once in awhile where I have to cancel at the last minute.
It's also something I learned to do BECAUSE I struggled and was financially insecure for most of my life. If I was chronically late to work and called out all the time in my 20s, I would be fired, and lose my only source of income, and that would be disastrous for me. I literally could not afford to just go "ah, well, I don't wanna so I won't." Being late or bailing with no consequences is a LUXURY. Those kinds of jobs where I was disposable and I'd be written up for being late were terrible, and they shouldn't exist, but the upshot is that I learned to be on time.
So, anyway, a lot of this really doesn't ring true to me as someone who lived a lot of the things you're talking about. Yes, mental health, financial instability, and a difficult life can lead to these things being harder, but being on time and considerate and behaving in a way that nurtures relationships is not something exclusive to people who are wealthy, healthy, and privileged.
The advice of cutting out friends who don’t have the same ambitions or goals in life that you do never felt right to me. I’m doing pretty well in my career, and my best friend since childhood has some mental health struggles and is on disability assistance. I still like hanging out with him and spending time together because we have a lot in common. Why would I cut him out of my life because he’s not where I’m at?
Right
Wouldn't personal values, morals, and ethics along with enjoyment of similar experiences, similar/complementary senses of human, etc be more important in determining the likelihood of a longlasting AND healthy relationship whether that be a friendship romantic relationship or otherwise
I am a cleaner and my best friend is a consultant
The difference between our incomes is no problem for us
Exactly. Years ago i considered cutting it off with my closest male friend who i perceived as being less ambitious and being stuck in his life. I still feel ashamed about it to this day and am thankful i didn't lose a great friend for being stupid.
That’s actually great advice if you have friends that aren’t really going anywhere in like. I’m approaching 30 and have left lots of friendships were I can no longer relate to them or them to my life. It’s also true people may grow resentment if your success begins to greatly outpace theirs. So it depends if they complement your growth or impede it.
Imo,friendships can drift if the life paths differ greatly. If there are no more common interests and the only conversation is reminiscing of the "golden days" then it should be grounds for a amicable split.
My former BFF and I are no longer speaking and she was the only one I truly considered a friend. We have been friends over 10 years. I moved to AZ and she has her hands full with her baby daddy drama. We just drifted apart and I became th person last to know anything new about her. In this circumstance the advice of splitting is ok.
Currently, I have acquaintances in different areas of life. I think having friendships that show different perspectives and what not provides more value than their status.
TRUTH. To add -- Working in various schools over the last two decades, I very early came to the conclusion that families in lower-income areas were almost always more charitable than those in higher-income areas. Did a food drive in both, and the lower-income area school would end up donating nearly twice as much (despite having fewer students!), as an example. They have a personal understanding of what it means to go without.
I would donate, but I don’t want to convert cash to goods inefficiently so I usually volunteer instead. Can you give me some advice on how to donate cash?
@@kawaiidere1023 Many food drives have an option to donate cash that is credited toward the drive. If this isn’t mentioned at your school’s food drive, please ask the organizers to offer it an an option! As someone who has been a food pantry client I can say that you are 100% right and that the apples, milk, and potatoes bought with donated dollars were much better than random cans of about to expire soup that can sometimes show up when people donate goods!
I've noticed poor and rich people work on connections and middle class are cheap.
I used to work in outreach providing groceries, plus at Christmas hampers and gifts for kids. Generally speaking, the lower income families gave more, the higher income families often gave scraps (some of them unusable and this actually cost the organisation money and us workers labour time) AND frequently expected praise from us for it.
i fundraise for non profits....the wealthy are stingy bastards who will demand a "thank you gift" for their donations (which costs money, so lessens the amount of their donation), while middle and lower income folks are PLEASED to give what they can and sometimes more.
also the wealthy tend to ONLY give in december so they can lower their tax obligation for the year, rather than bc they care or want to help others.
I grew up in a trailer park and Halloween was awesome. My neighbors who forgot about Halloween would go inside their homes and find something to share (pack of noodles, can of soda, cool pen). There wasn't that same spirit of generosity when I moved to the suburbs.
The burbs can definitely be an emotionally hollow waste land.
I grew up in the projects and I’m raising my daughter in the burbs. I feel bad for needing community connection out of the fear that the way we were was ghetto. No it’s not, it’s human.
I don't mean to bash Americans, but high quality drone shots of American suburbs properly scared me off of even considering moving to that country. Homogeneous hellscapes with cheap, hauntingly same-looking prebuilt houses made primarily of concealed wood, distant from each other, sealed off with bushes, and not a single shop, café, bar, or other social gathering point in sight, due to car-dependency inducing zoning laws. Truly dystopian.
That said, there are various urban planning channels on TH-cam, that show how it can be done better. For example, Not Just Bikes.
EDIT: Fix wording
@@scifino1 it's not just the USA, Canada as well apparently. I know the channel you are talking about, it's awesome 👍😁.
@@scifino1 Nah, it's ok. This country is collapsing for plenty of good reasons- greed and selfishness being some of the top ones. It's a cultural weakness.
I agree completely. people love to brag about canceling plans for their "mental health" when the person on the other end is the one being affected by their flakiness. I have had friends cancel me at the very last moment so often that as someone with actually diagnosed depression it makes me feel unwanted and that I'm too much for them to handle. It sucks how self-centered our generation has become :(
YES! Ive seen this hyper individualistic habit spread like wildfire among all kinds of youtubers. Their solution for all kinds of problems is always to "like being and living alone", I never see consideration for those around them or people who might need them (specially considering that often some of these people have quite a bit of spare money) I dont get it (this is coming from a natural introvert)
I feel that as well!! What feeds my feelings of being unwanted is when you see them bail and then they post on social media that they’re hanging out with other people. I’m naturally an extrovert and I’ve stopped hosting things as often for fear of so many people flaking out and not being able to plan accordingly.
My main friend group are all varying degrees of neurodivergent/mentally ill, and while there's times that any one of us might not be able to come to a thing on the day of, we all have respect for each other and are able to be open and give each other a heads up. We wish each other well and make time to catch up again later.
It astounds me how often simple transparency and compassion is missing in neurotypical social groups. So many things are secret and hidden, and saying things directly is rude but dipping on people without explanation is considered normal or less rude than openly saying they don't want to come for whatever reason
Ive been om both ends as someone with rejection dysphoria and chronic migraines. I hate bailing and being bailed on but so many days I cant get out of bed
You're allowed your feelings, of course, but it goes both ways.
Try to find other, more reliable friends to meet your socialization needs instead of feeling resentment toward people who consistently aren't capable or aren't willing to meet those needs.
Edit because I thought of something else that might help you: this isn't an issue with our generation. In this case, this is an issue with your specific friend group. This is an important distinction because the longer you tell yourself everyone in your generation behaves this way the longer you will remain unhappy because you think it can't get better. That mindset encourages complacency. I assure you there are plenty of people your age who would be on your wavelength socially, the issue is figuring out how to find them. If it were me I would look for events and groups that encourage consistent socialization. (Book club, for one example, or specific hobby groups.) Good luck to you.
I think we need to find a solution in the middle. We need to stay away from guilt-manipulating people who make us do things for them that actually cost us a lot of time and energy, but we also should be willing to offer help to people we care for, and who have also been kind to us in their own ways, and actually expect nothing in return.
This is exactly how I feel. I was born into a highly manipulative family with no boundaries and narcissistic behaviors. They are and have been poor forever because they want and want and take and take and give nothing but headache in return. I can only remain in contact with them because of the emotional and financial boundaries I have set up for them. I make lots more money than they do, I am a single mother, they would spend every dollar I have if they could. So I refuse to let them. They get nothing or they pay for everything they want. I have new friends in my life that I feel much more secure in sharing financially because we respect each other. I’m sorry though, not everyone is worthy of my empathy. At least they got it, misused it, and receive it no longer.
Some relationships are toxic, and then you need to either set very clear boundaries or cut ties.
Yes!!! This is so true. It's is very different between giving to someone who takes things for granted and giving to someone who values whatever you give time. And here by giving, I mean everything: time, emotions, gifts, money...
Omg. I think I was... genuinely traumatized during the 2010s by so-called 'friends' who felt that me asking for them to invest any amount of effort into our friendship was me asking them to perform an unacceptable amount of "emotional labour"
Omgee I had to dump a best friend during that time because she wouldn’t come visit me once when I was literally having one of the worst years of my life. She wouldn’t come once ALL YEAR because it was too inconvenient for her to drive the 2.5 hours to see me one weekend out of the 52 weekends we have in a year. But, after I dumped her, I found a really great best friend 😊
@@pearbeary18 Yes this happened to me too. I had a friend in college who just never ever wanted to make the trip to come see me. I would always have to drive down to see her. As we began to grow apart, I just stopped putting in the effort and moved on to people who put more effort in.
I had a friend who didn't "have the time" to call to see how I was doing. Except when she needed something from me. Then she did find the time to talk.
@@heidiheidi0 yes, I always drove to see her too! I’m glad you found better people. My best friend that I have now comes to see me AND makes time to see me whenever I’m in town.
I have ADHD and it makes it incredibly hard to return calls, messages, make plans and find time for people, even those I really, truly love and care about. It is not always about effort/not
I feel like we’ve been conditioned into thinking our goals should be great career, house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children, etc. rather than what we want to do for our community, how we want to make the world a better place, at the end of our life what do we want to be proud of, and how we made others feel better
YES! Ive seen this hyper individualistic habit spread like wildfire among all kinds of youtubers. Their solution for all kinds of problems is always to "like being and living alone", I never see consideration for those around them or people who might need them (specially considering that often some of these people have quite a bit of spare money) I dont get it (this is coming from a natural introvert)
I can see benefits to developing individualistic qualities within one's self but under the conditions that they're "tempered and balanced" properly alongside community oriented development
Such as learning to recognize one's talents and/or gifts and choosing to dedicate time/energy/and other resources into nourishing those traits and also taking the time to recognize that they can be harnessed to benefit the community
Also
Learning to recognize one's own limitations and boundaries and "making note" of reasonable exceptions and setting one's self up within the community as someone who will not tolerate xyz and that the expectation is that those limitations and boundaries will be respected (as they should be [so long as it is reasonable to do so] whether said individual offers something the community has decided is valueable or not [everyone brings something to the table naturally it's not their fault that the community lacks the ability/willingness/motivation/etc. to appreciate it or in many cases even acknowledge it])
Nah I’m still more focused on my own goals. The simple reality is that you need to focus on building yourself up to even have anything to give someone else. Just don’t make that the only thing you care about. I used to do so much for people just to realize I had so very little left for myself.
@@dinkyboss Life is about balance, of course you have to think about your goals for yourself as well. It’s when it stops there, I think that’s when it becomes an issue. Or when people don’t even at least vote…
Wow. I'm old, and I didn't even know this was a thing. In my day, the ideal was to treat people like you would want to be treated. Charging your friends for dinner ingredients? Appalling.
The modern version of that saying (which is not what this video is talking about) is treat people how THEY want to be treated basically saying that the person deserves a say in how they're treated what boundaries they put down and how much leeway can be given while still respecting those boundaries
That being said I too grew up with the treat people how you want to be treated model unfortunately people don't treat themselves too kindly and so they use that to justify unkind treatment of others a bit too often
@@nicholaslandry6367 You make a good point, but the actual saying is implied to respect everyone's boundaries by default. You wouldn't want someone to cross your boundaries, so the logic would still apply. People are just hypocrites and many lack complete self-awareness.
If someone ever did that to me, I’d tell them to shove it and then block them.
I'm only in my mid-thirties and can't fathom anyone of my generation would do that.
@@yeahgirl11 It never even to me that not wanting people to cross our own boundaries would fall under treat people how you want to be treated but yea that makes sense
I have bipolar disorder and autism and when my friends want to share something I will often ask if it’s a “listen or discuss” conversation because sometimes we just like to rant and that’s great. But when I’m not in the best place mentally I’ll tell them I can only listen and will give my piece when I’m feeling better. This helps us secure another time to talk, makes me feel supported, and can lead to them feeling validated because I’m listening enough and remember past when they told me. I always apologize because I do want to help them and talk to them but it can be hard or my bluntness from being uncomfortable can hurt them, and they don’t want me to push myself because they don’t want me uncomfortable.
Holy shit this got a lot of likes and replies, thanks a lot and glad this is helpful or inspiring to you guys
It sounds like you are being very generous and communicating clearly what you can and can't offer. Sounds like a great friend to me :)
You are communicating your boundaries and that is awesome.
This is a great approach and I may try it myself!
This is wonderful! A good give and take for the both of you.
And the fact that they respect those limitations and boundaries and want you to feel comfortable, valid, supported, and heard is an indication that the relationships are relatively healthy
Some people don't understand that acknowledging someone can't currently handle anymore extra and being respectful of that is a form of generosity, selflessness, and affection
Ugh, I'm glad most people have moved on from the 'I'm an introvert/have anxiety etc so you have to forgive me for being a terrible friend and human' fad. I'm all for knowing your friends and letting the knowledge of their mental health troubles temper your reaction to them, but that doesn't mean that a friend is not allowed to be mad at you when you bail on them or ghost them for long periods of time.
Agreed, I've seen so many quotes/memes circle the internet that are basically like "If you can't handle me cancelling and not responding to your calls/texts for months then you aren't a real friend." Fair enough, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad so yeah I guess we aren't friends, but I'm not the one who made that call first. Friendships are a two way street.
Yes! And being an introvert does not mean that you have social anxiety or that you hate people. People have been using those terms interchangeably for way too long.
I dont think people are moving on from that (maybe on this channel)
Ive seen this hyper individualistic habit spread like wildfire among all kinds of youtubers. Their solution for all kinds of problems is always to "like being and living alone", I never see consideration for those around them or people who might need them (specially considering that often some of these people have quite a bit of spare money) I dont get it (this is coming from a natural introvert)
Right?! That's so fake. Most introverts (myself included) are empaths so we naturally don't treat ppl like shit and we go out of our way for ppl. They totally hijacked the term introvert.
@@rba4377 The people I personally know who were doing it have stopped. Whether it's because they've looked inside and changed their behavior or they're just on to the latest mental health meme trend, I don't know but I don't see it multiple times daily like I used to.
Caught myself in a moment of having a cheap mindset yesterday and thought of your previous rants about having a generous mindset and not being cheap. Woke up this morning and venmoed my friend (who I was having the cheap mindset moment with) for the total cost of an activity that we are going to do together instead of just half. Happy to be in a place where I can afford to do that. Also, she's treated me before and does the vast majority of the arranging/organizing work of our friendship and I've honestly never even thanked her for that. Thanks for the reminder to just be a good human because like we all should be.
I learned from a young age that you can't be prosperous without being generous. I had very generous parents. They did well for themselves even though they started with close to nothing. They made it against all odds. I truly believe that it was because they were generous without expecting anything in return. They believed that "If you do good, good will follow you." They both hated cheap people.
Amen ,my parents are very generous 😊,my little brother become very cheap 😔
DISCIPLINED generosity has been immensely useful to me and builds human support networks. I have many useful skills at which I'm respected so I can do things I greatly enjoy
at no cost to me but of immense help to my friends who also have those skills and help me. We go so far as to give each other pickup trucks, tools and equipment.
We build each others shops and much more so everyone saves absurd amounts of money while having great fun at what we enjoy.
There are so many factors to how we got this way, but an underexplored aspect is the way our cities are designed. It is harder to keep plans with people when you’re priced out of neighborhoods where you could walk to meet up and now you have to get gas and drive 20 minutes, possibly in rush hour, find parking, etc just to stay in touch. If you have to live in the suburbs there’s less natural interactions with friends or people in your neighborhood because you are in the car instead of on the street and doing all your shopping at once in one megastore instead of stopping in different shops each day.
Hadn't thought of this but definitely agree
As someone who has been priced out of my now-gentrified old neighbourhood and pushed out kilometres away into an isolating suburb, I feel this. I don't drive either, so it's a lot more than 20 minutes travel. Thanks to the rental situation in this city, my family and friends are now scattered all about the place and some have left the city entirely. I'm considering doing that myself in the future.
Great point!!!
I live in a walkable neighborhood and my german city has great public transportation. I meet people on a daily basis just walking to the drugstore. My ex lived at the other end of the city and it took me 25 minutes with public transportation. Which saves me a ton of money compared to having a car. US suburbs are horrible and the isolate people. When I wanna meet friends I mostly WALK to their appartment building! Most of my closer friends don't have cars just because we have no need to own a car. And we go out a lot. A nice sunday, sitting in the park, listening to music and drink a couple of beers, or discovering abandoned buildings or go swimming.
While the nuclear family sits at home. Because these US style suburbans are beginning to grow here too.
The rent in walkable neighborhoods is high because the overall quality of life is so much higher. People move to suburbs because they are told that's what you do as an adult. I would hate it.
@@CordeliaWagner I don't know about your country but here a lot of people (including me) move to the suburbs because that's all they can afford because the walkable inner city has become gentrified and expensive. People can't afford to rent or buy there.
You just fleshed out everything I’ve been thinking about over the last year. I also can’t help but notice how comfortable we’ve become with being selfish with our time, energy, and consideration. We’ve become hyper-individualistic and lost the concept of delayed gratification. Everyone wants everything, for themselves, now and it’s not sustainable; socially or environmentally!
I think it's lack of time, energy and attention span for many of us. I'm w ADHD but I believe that this is affecting (even non-ADHD) people more and more. The world is moving too fast.
@@lv9265 there does seem to be data supporting the idea that non-adhders are experiencing more adhd like symptoms seemingly due to excessive stimuli that is constantly updating and blah blah blah basically scrolling video apps like TH-cam vine and tiktok plus things like Instagram Facebook and Twitter and now there's also the streaming services and that's only account for the tech stuff not even the get it done and move to the next thing go go go how dare you take a breathe you're on the clock kind of work environments far too many people are essentially forced into along with many other factors that add up
So basically the reason for the symptoms is different but yes they can look the same
@@lv9265 good point, I also have ADHD and I agree
I have a friend who's much, much more extroverted than me, pretty much always up for being around people. I used to get kinda anxious if I didn't feel up to socializing, thinking it would hurt his feelings if I said no, but we actually talked about it and he told me he doesn't mind if I can't come to something or don't have the energy. What bugs him is the not knowing or not hearing back. It sounds obvious now, but good communication is so important. Avoiding texts wasn't making either of us feel better. And being able to say "Sorry, I'm really tired tonight" or "Sorry, I'm not really into sports" makes it much easier for me to wholeheartedly say "Hey, let's have a game night this weekend!"
You also don't have to apologize for not feeling it (whatever "it" may be) it's understandable but working on shifting out of apology language might help a bit with the guilt/shame/and any other "nastys" that may try to pop up
So true. Being a flake is not self-care. If anything, it digs you deeper into depression when you see yourself going back on your word and failing to follow through. It reinforces whatever fears you had instead of letting you overcome those fears and see how unfounded they may have been.
I think that the rise of suburbia and modern car culture is a major factor. When we can’t walk to Third Places (bars, cafes, tea houses, libraries, parks, schools, gyms, churches, mosques, temples, etc), we’re a lot more likely to stay home and watch TV, play video games, and browse social media.
Thinking about this... It must be very lonely.
Another argument against it. The US more and more seem like a dystopia to me because of this.
@@user-lk9vu8nl8u Assuming your username means you're not American? But indeed it is. Our urban planning is horrid. Everyone is physically far apart, it wastes so much space.
@@skylarsaysstuff I'm not from US, that's right.
Communal flats in USSR were not perfect either :) people had to be creative and resourceful to get private space.
I guess in your situation you have to actively create communities, shared spaces. Otherwise you have no society and no offline identity.
YES!
Hi Chelsea--I'm not even halfway through the video yet, but I had to pause and give you some digital applause for calling out dickish behaviors done under the guise of "introversion." As a shy introvert myself, I can't tell you how many times I've had to suck it up and attend baby showers/birthday parties/various other gatherings, in spite of initial reluctance, because my presence mattered to a loved one.
A couple years ago I was feeling really isolated. My friend and I had agreed to meet up one weekend and I had reached out to her a few days before to finalise plans, she never replied to me. I was properly ghosted. I remember reaching out to an advice page on Facebook to ask how to deal with this sensitively because I was quite hurt by her behaviour. EVERY SINGLE COMMENT had said 'hey she is probably going through a hard time, check in on her mental health' with literally no advice on how I can advocate for my needs?
This was already 100% something that had occurred to me, but nobody had stopped to think about... my mental health? I was feeling so isolated and unwanted at the time. The comments made it worse, I hope we are reaching a tipping point where people are seeing how crappy this behaviour is. Thank you so much for calling it out
Damn that sucks. People who give advice online sometimes just want to come across high and mighty.
I hope your feeling better now my dude - I hope you have a better community or if not you can build confidence in your self (for me hobbies like knowing who I am and what makes me happy outside of friendships built more confidence)
I've been a giver most of my life, I pulled back because I never get it back. I feel emptied by most others, and I cherish the very few who are generous back. People hardly reach out first, people hardly want to be creative enough for affordable plans, I can't fucking hold it together for all of us.
I left my last partner partly because he wanted to split every. single. cost. we shared. Like I get wanting to share expenses, but whenever I treated him I knew he would never do the same back. It's sad.
I was forced to pull back, or I would have continued to lose myself trying so desparately to make connections that people didn't value. I cherish my few close friends who have done the same, and it gave us more space to give to each other.
Maybe your partner wanted to split the every single cost because he didn't like the constant anxiety that comes with such expectations of reciprocity.
Your ex sounds awful! A stingy man is incredibly gross....well done for dumping his ass!
Yep. I still try to be generous, but I’ve reigned it in because people have taken advantage and I was so bummed out every time it happened. Now I’m a little more protective of my things and my finances. Also to the person who said maybe he was anxious about reciprocity- nothing in op’s statement made me thing they were constantly expecting things. But if your partner never reciprocates, eventually you are going to notice.
I'm glad you learned to pull back but decided not to give up on literally everyone because like you said it gave you the space to focus on those who appreciate you and are able/ willing/ and comfortable showing affection in way that's seemingly relatively easy for you to recognize as appreciation and affection and reciprocate back when the time is right
I can’t fucking hold it together for all of us - I feel this so much!
Thank you SO MUCH for calling out the bastardization of the term "Emotional Labor" that I've seen proliferate online. The concept exists, as you stated, for a very specific purpose. Emotional Labor applies to situations like when you're a doctor or other medical professional where you're busting your butt trying to help your patients but then have to tell them and their family devestating news. It is not anytime you do something for anyone other than yourself as so many people seem to think.
It's not just for professionals though. Caretakers, for example, (even family and friends) can be doing emotional labour. But just like social labour, some don't recognize that a certain amount is needed in our daily lives and relations.
"bastardization" may not be the proper term (in my ears it refers to corruption through hybridization) ; "concept creep" would be a better fit
@@wombat4583 The lines are definitely blurred a bit when in the context of a caretaker, since as far as I know sometimes a family member will become a caretaker for another family member and will receive some financial support for doing so through insurance under certain circumstances? But for the most part, family, friends, personal relationships, etc. are not emotional labor, because a wage is not involved. This is considered "emotional work" rather than labor. Taking care of your own kids is work, but it's not emotional labor. Having to take care of someone else's kids in exchange for a wage, and thus having less emotional energy at the end of the day to take care of your own, is.
@@arthoeinc.3469 Most caretaking is done for free (without financial supports). Those who do get supports are usually when someone is required to quit their job to support someone but for most people that's not feasible and are only doing it because they care about the person. I absolutely think people should be able to rely on each other but their are cutoffs to how much and how often you can support someone. Some take advantage of it and some don't know how to draw boundaries so this is all a case-by-case discussion. I wouldn't say taking care of kids is emotional labour but if someone only ever wants to talk about their problems that causes excessive emotional burden and stress onto another.
Though, I would also argue that there is no harm, and is actually beneficial, or using daily emotional involvement with others as emotional labour. For some reason people are so scared of the word 'labour' thinking all labour necessitates income which I think is the bigger communal and societal problem.
@@arthoeinc.3469 A wage doesn't define whether or not something is labour.
Furthermore, it is an issue in personal relationships, particularly heterosexual romantic relationships. (Just like homemaking and childcare labour.) But it's not an issue because we shouldn't have any social/emotional labour in our relationships - just like doing housework, etc. is a normal requirement of living; it's an issue because of severe imbalance and because of so many women taking on a performative "emotional caretaker" role because that's what women have been encouraged to do (and what far too many men expect). And I say performative because there is often an aspect of "customer service personality" to it. This is harmful and shouldn't be expected of anyone. Mutually caring for each other, though, is a good and necessary thing.
"Cheap spiritually, not just financially" I feel that
I so love this. I want to also mention that we need to appreciate real generosity when we receive it, especially gifts that represent real time and effort. For example: a handmade birthday card, or a home cooked meal, or an evening out walking in a beautiful park or arboretum you didn't know existed. That handmade card may not be as polished as the card from the grocery store, but it is way more personal and representative of the way someone thinks of and cares about you. Home cooked meals or someone saying "we should check out this place I really love" - these are things that the capitalist system doesn't even know how to measure (and thank goodness it doesn't, or it would ruin those, too). We need to appreciate them on their own terms, not as measured in dollars.
YES! Im sick and we are on one income right now, every cent counts right now. But I hope people still appreciate my homemade meals and home visits.
This video really helped me have a breakthrough. My partner is significantly more financially privileged than I am (like I’ve gone without food several times because I couldn’t afford it) and they get frustrated with me that I rarely treat them for things. Until now I was always confused because I felt like I was being quite generous, but I’ve realized I have been subconsciously usually save that generosity for people I think need it. So I won’t buy my partner a coffee because I know they can afford it anyway, but I’ll buy my niece or a friend lunch or dinner because I know they’re in the same financial position as me and they’d need that help as much as I do. Thanks for helping me to this breakthrough haha!
The whole mental health angle around cancelling also ignores the fact that depressed people often self-isolate & social anxiety often gets worse when you never interact with other humans. Obviously, there are many things you need to do when managing depression or anxiety besides push through and sometimes socializing genuinely not going to happen, but if I gave in to every impulse to cut other people off just because my brain felt like that was the better choice, it would be an absolute disaster.
I would argue that I get more self-care from reaching out to loved ones. When I am feeling low, making someone else I love happy makes me genuinely feel better.
I used to be that person who Venmo’d my co-workers for covering coffee even though I was the one who asked if they wanted anything. I realized that nickel and dimeing every person I want to be friends with doesn’t make me any friends. And why would I offer coffee if I wasn’t willing to pay? I was brought up to believe that friendships are one-way streets with the other person having to do everything. But doing kind things like covering coffee or lending an ear instead of the one talking all the time are how friendships are cultivated. It was discussions like these that made me realize I was in the wrong. Just buy the coffee!!!!
Part of the reason people are not as generous with their money and time is because most of us don't have an abundance of either. We are overworked, overscheduled, and financially under water. This generation is ALWAYS on so even down time doesn't feel like downtime. The internet and its connected devices do not help with feelings of rest and having the energy to go to all the things and connect to all the people. It just doesn't end and it's no surprise that we are unprepared to cope and show up in the ways that we used to show up.
you just need to communicate that. Don't say you will be somewhere when you can't or don't want to be there, otherwise you will be who she's referencing in the video.
Yees, I tried to say that in a comment but you did it better. Thank you.
Yes, i get that. Right now every cent counts to my partner and I due to our current circumstances, but I always try to figure out ways to show i care that i can manage mentally and financially like home visits bringing some homemade meals.
That's why kids shouldn't have phones/electronics and be allowed to get on the internet either at all or unsupervised. When you're young and always online, you don't learn shit, much less coping skills. People are just lazy and expect electronics to raise their kids.
Thank you for a response that makes sense and isn’t pie in the sky nonsense. It’s annoying that this is being portrayed as a lack of care and not an obvious and inevitable response to a changing world.
Somewhere in there you perfectly worded the way I’ve been feeling for a few months now regarding not wanting to have children and having people’s reaction be that I am selfish. From one perspective, that may be true. However when I consider those around me and their inability or unwillingness to help those outside their nuclear family (i.e. their kids and spouse), I find myself thinking that my choice will not put me in that position. And will in fact perhaps allow me to continue to show up for the people in my life who are not my offspring in the way that I would like to.
Whys that selfish? You know how many people ARE parents who should not be parents? If you don't want them don't have them. Not a selfish thing about it. The only reason it would be selfish is if you proceeded to not give a care about children at all or the education system since the same children will most likely care for single people in their old age
I feel this soooo much. On the flip side, I know I would need a village to be a decent parent (I like a lot of independence and solitude. If I couldn't pawn my kids off on trustworthy relations pretty regularly (and obvs return or pay forward that favor), I'd be a terrible parent!). I have zero confidence I can build that kind of village, so that's one big mark on the No Kids side.
I feel you! I always knew I didn't want children and have been called selfish more times than I can count by parents and non-parents alike. Loads of women condescendingly told me over the years "You'll change your mind," or "You'll regret it," but I'm 60 now and still sure I made the right decision. I cannot understand why people feel justified judging others' very personal decisions about raising a family. Despite my private disapproval, I don't around putting down people who have more kids than they can afford, Everyone deserves the right to NOT have children if they don't want them, and modern science has developed a variety of safe contraception methods to make this possible. Some women were born to be mommies, others are meant to be "aunties" to their siblings' and friends' kids. I'm definitely the latter.
Your comment about being even more generous when broke really stands out. If I remember correctly, you might've touched on this in the video about wealthy people being jerks. But I've also noticed that people with less tend to, ironically, be the more generous ones. I am a server and often it is the people who (appear) to not make a lot, especially other service workers, who give the best tips and are the more gracious. The (appearingly) wealthier customers tend to tip less, or not at all, and be ruder.
As a recovering cheapskate, I think there are a few factors at play:
1. A reactive defensiveness to performative generosity, wherein one person is generous only to resent or manipulate the other party later.
2. A social/generational trend of identifying with scarcity and damage, e.g. "broke millennial" or "mentally ill" and needing to defend that position so as not to be taken advantage of.
3. A poor schema for healthy conflict and self advocacy/boundaries that makes much of the generosity we give and receive insincere or suspect. (Introversion tends to correspond to conflict avoidance.)
I see stinginess as an overreaction to insincerity and manipulative generosity meant to nip resentment in the bud. In order to rebuild a culture of generosity, we need to recover honesty and trust in each other. Self care culture catalyzed this, but a cultural lack of integrity caused self care culture.
Well put, I relate to this a lot. And only now that I have been able to process trauma do I have the emotional resources to be more generous with my time. Often before I would just get exhausted by hyper vigilance and like you say, vigilant of what people wanted from me, since I was taken advantage of through Naïve trust. Vigilance is exhausting
I hope people are actually reading your comment because the lack of acknowledging trauma and schemas causing a lot of the comments to stay right at surface level
@@clairbear1234 you talkin about that "everything HAS TO BE a transaction 100% of the time" kind of mindset? Because if so yea that can seriously drain financial, emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, etc resources really really quickly
@@nicholaslandry6367 I think this is highly personal, so many are not choosing to abstract their reactions and go into systems as that is part of the problem we are facing right now. Overall, I’m mixed on a trauma informed culture. On one hand, it helps us build a bridge of empathy and understanding. On the other hand, it’s made it difficult to engage personally as it has made interpersonal relationships really political.
@@JamesLaw87 tbh my brain isn't wired to understand it as highly personal so I'll take your word for it
As a GenX-er, I'm starting to see several of my "friends" and acquaintances inherit millions from their parents (many already had trust funds.) The more they inherit, the cheaper and more narcissistic they become. It has become challenging to listen to the tales of their vacations and hobbies knowing that when they finally get around to asking me "So how are YOU doing," they really could not care less.
I once had a friend tell me that "it's hard" to become rich overnight. Ugh/Vomit!!! Chelsea, thanks so much for your kindness, savvy, and accuracy in relating the research about the perniciousness of inherited and unearned wealth and how it essentially renders most people cheap assholes with very constricted perspectives.
Sometimes it feels like I’m ALWAYS the friend that reaches out first. It just isn’t normal for people to check in, and that’s sad.
Same girl 🥲
Such an important discussion. I personally notice this phenomenon most in simple things like conversations. I cannot tell you how many people tell me that I’m a “great conversationalist” when literally all I do is express curiosity in their life & give them undivided attention. I don’t get on my phone or redirect the convo back to myself constantly. I literally just listen to people because I think people are interesting. But I do feel like this is increasingly rare. I notice a lot of folks approach conversations not as opportunities to learn about & connect with others, but as a chance to self promote or talk about themselves. Obviously nothing wrong with talking about yourself - I mean that is, ideally, half of a conversation. But it seems like people talk past one another about themselves rather than showing reciprocated interest. It’s really really sad & it’s no wonder that so many folks struggle with loneliness & feeling invisible. We hardly give one another the time of day 😓
All that’s to say, i 100% agree with all of the things you said. I feel like you’ve identified something very important here. We need to get back to community building & cultivating generosity. Probably would help us heal so many problems 😓
Thanks for your insights as always!
saw a tiktok saying "normalize not being on time" and then in the comments was told to unpack how I think that my time is somehow more valuable than other peoples and that I should be grateful they want to show up at all and I wanted to scream.
They can normalise not being on time, we can normalise not planning to meet up with them.
I'm so glad I married into a Filipino family... there are zero expectations to be on time ❤ Meanwhile, I fought my tendencies to make sure my mom and I could be on time for my side of the family's Thanksgiving "dinner" (using the term loosely since it was scheduled for noon), my family started an hour early without us. I didn't bother trying to go last year, it felt really bad doing everything I could to make sure we were on time and they started without us. My mom and I grabbing "leftovers" at that point, then nobody taking the food we made because they were full already.
"Moms' problems are my problems"-- as a fellow childfree woman, YES! I don't need things like maternity leave, but I care very much about other people-- those I know and those I don't-- who will benefit from it. It's never us vs. other people in need, it's all of us vs. an unjust system.
Thanks also for finally putting into words the discomfort I feel with so much self-care and self-help advice I see floating around on social media.
Others on the shit side of this? I do so much for others and will buy stuff for others who are in a similar financial situation as me, and yet... it never comes back. Ex. I'm always taking notes at work, will grab coffee for others, accommodate others with plans and never is it reciprocated.
I have been trying to deconstruct my own scarcity mindset for several years now. For me it’s about the knee jerk reaction to simply decline to be involved - and that includes financially. I may have to hop onto the membership for this content. Love your necklace, love your rants (“they don’t have to give a sh!t about anyone but themselves and their sh!tty little kids” slayed me), love your generous/abundant mindset.
I will help my friends in any way (childcare, cleaning, cooking, moving, etc.). I prefer for each person to pay for his/her own merchandise. I can't afford to pay for others and would never want someone to pay for me. I will be there emotionally and physically.
@@cabayern9416 and so long as that is clearly stated to the people that it would impact in a direct way that is called a boundary and should generally be respected (like most things I'm sure exceptions exist and sometimes you don't recognize em until they've already "smack you upside the head")
@@cabayern9416 Sounds fair to me, and I'm assuming that your friends understand the financial part by default.
I get you. Trauma made me go from being overly generous to overly scarce with my time and energy. It’s hard but I’m trying to find a healthy middle.
I think a lot of this, especially among feminist women, grew out of a reaction to some legitimate problems. Women are often asked to take on the burden of other people’s (esp men’s) emotions without receiving emotional support in return, whether it’s in a relationship or a friendship. Moms especially are often expected to sacrifice absolutely everything for their kids. The notion that women should sometimes take time to care for themselves or should expect a partner or friend to provide emotional support as well as receive it is a push back against all that. I think the problem is just that when combined with a lot of the other societal stuff you talked about the pendulum swung the other way and it turned into an absolute focus on the self at the expense of anyone else. There’s a happy medium somewhere where you both take care of yourself AND other people but for whatever reason we tend to go to one extreme or the other.
I agree and I think that too. But reacting by just swinging to the opposite is not helpful. What is helpful is reconsidering our approach and doing something new, something more balanced.
Yeah I agree. As a young woman raised/living in a conservative Christian area who is currently deconstructing that background, the idea that I get to live for myself first and say no sometimes is mind-bogglingly exciting. I think this is one of the many pendulum swings going on in our culture where many are taking it to extremes but it'll probably even out soon.
I'm still very much in a place where the idea of saying "no thank you, but maybe next week!" or "I'm gonna watch TV tonight even though there's laundry to do" feels like God will smite me on the spot haha. So I'm probably not the target audience for this video.
I think part of the issue is that the original message was heard and acted on by the wrong people.
Those doing the emotional labor at home and at work, putting themselves last, for the most part keep doing so or only prioritise themselves in the tiniest of ways.
In my extended circle, it was the already selfish and exhausting people (generally my friends family members) that “prioritised themselves” and put such a loud emphasis on “self care”.
Ironically the ones who need some care seem to get shit on even more.
@@abbysc417 Same. I had to fight to put boundaries between my conservative Christian family and myself and it was BRUTAL. I know that I am now the “bad daughter” but my life is 1000% better and I have had to learn to be okay with that.
On another note, I just NOWWW at 36 have realized how people pleasing has led to almost every major problem in my life, INCLUDING going out with friends or doing things for years out of guilt. It is a MASSIVE overhaul of my brain’s wiring and the way I relate to people to realize that I don’t have to automatically carve myself into the shape others want me to fit.
I suffered from migraines my whole life and would basically ignore my needs until one hit and I was forced to cancel plans for a day or two to sleep it off. Realizing that it’s okay to have different values and to stay in over the weekend if I went out the week or even two weeks prior is a huge shift for me. But I definitely went through a period of over correction, lateness and last-minute cancellation before I figured myself out. What I did wasn’t right, but I also had to deprogram myself via a lot of therapy and reflection to get out of the mindset of myself-last.
I may never be the best daughter or sister again, but now, I honor the commitments I have made because I am cognizant of my choices and not just dome automaton who views people as above me and to be automatically served to the detriment or even annihilation of myself.
A lot of great points but I think a lot of the issues mentioned here are also affected by things like how we build our cities and how we all go from point A to B. Cars and the atomization of homes have had a monumental effect on how we interact with others and encourages us to stay within our social bubbles and not socialize or network in person
Good point but even nations with better built cities and less car dependent are going through similar problems I.e. Japan. Our obsession with capitalistic unsustainable growth is like a cancer on our society.
The first time I hung out with my fiancés best friend he cancelled my Venmo payment to him because I was a dollar off for my share of pizza and recharged me the correct amount. We are no longer friends.
YIKES. Good call
You ended a friendship because of it...? Because they charged the correct amount? Sorry, you obviously agreed to pay your portion, so I don't get why recharging the correct amount is an issue. It's not something I would do, but if someone did that to me I would be apologetic I almost paid less than my fair share.
@@NickaLah we didn’t immediately stop being friends after this one interaction. It showed his character, it was a problem throughout the rest of the friendship, we would pick up the tab here and there when hanging out and it was never reciprocated. He once Venmo requested me money for food that he offered me. I don’t wish to be in a friendship with someone who acts like that, and that’s my choice
Omg. I’m pausing on the hyper scarcity mindset for yourself while being more generous part. I’ve had to pull back on spending on my family recently because Every summer for the last 3 years since I started college I would spend WILDLY on my low income family and be left with literally nothing. I mean like spending 5 to 7 thousand dollars on them because it felt like too much money to me. Then, after doing that last summer, I ended my fall semester with 12 cents in my account and was struggling to pay rent and I had no help. It was a devastating realization but I realized in order not to be resentful I need to take a step back and focus on building up my finances so that I can be able to treat my family more without running myself into the ground again.
Ooof, this makes me not feel so bad that I used to spend hundreds on family during the holidays and particularly Mother's Day, which used to be a big holiday for us until my grandmother passed away.
Honestly I am drained by friends cancelling on me last minute or being inconsiderate and just placing it all on anxiety. I have anxiety and see a therapist and have the same struggles but still try and look out for my friends. I’m getting more and more cynical feeling like no one actually gives a shit. And don’t get me started on charging for every penny, I have been asked to pay back less than a pound to a good friend (who is the highest earner in our friend group by a mile) on more than one occasion. So much so that a new friend treated me to lunch and it completely threw me and I didn’t know how to react.
You mentioned it in the video but I really think this is a response to nobody having enough. We have to work for unreasonable amounts of time for increasingly little pay. The time and money and energy for that has to come from somewhere and the culture has realized that maintaining healthy relationships isn't as strictly necessary for survival as having a job.
It's quite natural to reach that conclusion. However, I've found that community can actually be equally (or even more) helpful to survival than having a job. It took me a long time to learn this but it actually makes sense. Take the example of moving house. With friends, you can all pitch in your personal vehicles and strength to move everything instead of hiring movers. When you realize your lounge suite or table doesn't fit the new place properly, you can swap tables with someone else or perhaps a friend can give you one that their parents are getting rid of. Also, maybe your aunt knows a local high school kid who would make a great babysitter in your new neighborhood. Instead of going to the convenience store for emergency over-priced toilet paper, a neighbor gives you a spare roll. There are lots of little ways to make each others' lives easier which cost very little time or money but save so much time and money when you add them up.
@@sharoncox1734 Community is definitely a fundamental human need and extremely important. But when it comes down to it most people are going to choose food and shelter.
My life is full of people like this. It’s a real problem in our society. Narcissism is a way of life for many.
I have been saying for years that people have been abusing social anxiety as an excuse for being an asshole. This does a disservice to those with actual severe social anxiety
God, it was really fucking annoying to have a boyfriend that would regularly shut off on me bc he had "social anxiety". At some point, those ppl begin to claim that nobody is ever there for them and nobody likes them but if you are never present for that person, dont expect them to drop everything for you the one time you need them when they needed you many times and you left them in the dust. Don't cry about being isolated and never hanging out with ppl when u never respond to them or ever accept their invites anywhere or ever come through when they themselves need a friend. By leaning into the whole "i'm intorverted and I AM an island", you not only do a disservice to the ppl who actually care about you, but also to yourself bc you end up cutting off all the lifelines you need for when times actually get tough. If you are not my friend when things are good, I really have a hard time giving a shit when things are bad for you.
@@Pomagranite167 Damn this kind of hurts and makes me want to get my act together, even as someone that had severe social anxiety in the past.
and maybe the over-use of the term/any mental health term is also a symptom of a trend toward selfishness as in thoughtlessly co-opting clinical terms to dismiss poor behavior while also living in an age of mental health awareness idk?
I read a great quote about how mental health issues do not make you unaccountable for your behaviour. You can’t just treat people like shit and blame it on mental health and walk away.
People nowadays (especially the younger ones) like to be dramatic. People like to misuse the term "phobia" for example. I mean wtf, being scared of something isn't a "phobia".
Someone who has a phobia of something can't even look at a picture of said phobia. My husband, for example, has a phobia of clowns- he was ALWAYS irrationally afraid of them (he's 46, so it definitely wasn't brought on by the fad we had a few years ago with people dressed as clowns doing dumb stuff to scare people). He absolutely hates my Killer Clowns From Outer Space shirt and refuses to touch it if he doesn't have to. His friend painted a clown picture for him decades ago as a present, and while he accepted the gift graciously, he hid the painting in a storage locker lol.
My husband isn't a wimp at all. He simply has a legit phobia of clowns. It's the ONLY thing I've ever seen him legitimately terrified of, and trust me, his job is extremely dangerous so he has a lot more to be terrified of.
Chelsea, I agree with everything you’ve said here. And I also feel pain remembering how I’m fully aware that I am turning more self-centered because of the sense of community I’ve lost over the years. I grew up in a religious, conservative immigrant family with the community mindset. l deeply love my culture, but due to trauma and politics, I’ve chosen to disconnect from my family. On one hand, becoming more “selfish” has allowed me to realize the abuse I’ve suffered and move away to a safer place. On the other hand, I do not have a support system I can trust anymore. Even amongst progressive friends with similar backgrounds, I struggle to connect because everyone is nice but also so volatile and distant.
It is incredibly isolating. I feel I’ve given a lot and was abandoned when I needed help. The self-centeredness trauma response is turning from protection to cynicism. It’s not a good way to live. Even when I can barely care for myself, I miss having someone to care for, and I miss feeling like people cared for me. Watching this video encouraged me to have faith in generosity again. Thank you.
That's very very well said !! I moved to the US 5 years ago and honestly didn't make one friend (ok the last 2+ years weren't the best moment to meet people). I don't blame people, I met some great ones, but it feels like everybody is so busy. I didn't have this issue in my country, so I'm planning on moving back, mostly because of the feeling of loneliness.
That's interesting. Where are you from, if it's ok to ask?
@@lv9265 oh np, I'm French
so well said. i grew up in a south asian country and am of that descent. i've been here close to 10 years and my husband close to 15, and this self centeredness and lack of generosity, especially with time and effort, and of course with money is something i can see developing in me over time. recently it was pointed out to me by my parents also, with the note that my husband has these traits it WAY more than i do. we both come from families and cultures where social sense of belonging, and large inter-generational family and social dynamics are strong. but I feel living in the US, over time has made us more isolated and self centered. some of it also comes from us being introverts and trying to do the opposite of what we've seen and didn't always like growing up, but also because this is what we see on a day to day basis all around us.
i still enjoy treating and hosting ppl and gift giving is my love language too, but my husband whos great otherwise really doesn't participate or enjoy these as much as i do..and after watching your video..everything makes more sense now.
My ex used to preach to me how "my feelings aren't your responsibility" under the guise of the "emotional labor" dogma, which always blew my mind as someone who acted so mature and responsible. Not only is that flat-out unhealthy in a long-term relationship, it also implies that _mine_ aren't _your_ responsibility, no matter what happened and who was involved and how it related to either of us. Really great way to guilt your partner into never sharing anything. And he wondered why I built up enough resentment to leave.
a tip i picked up from the tfd comment section somewhere along the line was the assumption that inviting someone out means you should be willing/in a position to treat the person. now i don’t take it as always being able to comp an entire meal, but getting an appetizer to share w the table, a round of drinks. i always want my friends to feel like they can participate even where money can be a barrier. the emphasis a lot of my friends place on mutual aid and also on being generous or not keeping tallies has been a big influence too. one of my friends even calls it “interpersonal finance” as a term for the amount she budgets to redistribute each month.
I LOVED this video!! If you have mental health struggles or are tight on money you should be able to communicate that with your friends rather than canceling last minute or charging someone unexpectedly on Venmo.
And being clear about the reason why upfront when plans are being made.
I now have the mindset where if my "friend" doesn't understand that I can't or afford it or shames me for it, they are not my friend.
While I totally agree with everything you said, I've got to throw an except in there in reference to the whole treating your friends for food or gifts thing. Splitting stuff down the middle and venmo requesting your friends or partners for Stuff is not a problem if you just clarify that that's what's going to happen. Acting like you'll cover something and then not is manipulation regardless of how you slice it but splitting everything is not inherently a bad thing.
💯! I am an introvert myself with quite a low social battery. so if I don’t feel like socialising i let them know but NOT last minute because i value my friends and respect their time.
I have an uncle who was INTENSELY cheap. To the point where he would give us cheap discount gifts for holidays and birthdays. My father and mother were growing their business and he asked for a bit of help when they needed to pay an important bill. My father said he would pay him back in a month without question. He had plenty of money to spare at the time and he wouldnt help his own brother when our family was worried sick about getting by. What hurt wasn't his denial of the money itself. It was the fact that my father has given him a job before, he'd been living with us in our home without rent and still he couldn't find it in his heart to help us when we needed it. That really damaged their relationship. His cheapness also cost him his wife and his home.
practical tips: go from work directly to activity so that you don't go home and get inertia and bail on the next thing. and eat enough protein to keep energy level stable.
thank you! so many people are rude and would rather ghost someone than simply saying they can't come or don't want to do something. it's hard to be friends with people who are blatantly disrespectful and selfish...
One comment I had about the "money between friends" conversation, is that this would all be so much easier if we didn't find talking about money taboo. I know that your channel is a huge proponent of frank discussions about finances and I feel like if you are friends and love and respect each other, you can talk about money and not have it come between you. The reason I mention this is because, while being generous and not keeping a ledger in your mind are things that on the surface seem totally altruistic and good, they can in practice create situations where assumptions take over.
For example, I have a friend of 20 years, that we have decided to plan a weekly friend date for the summer. Not every time will involve going out or spending any/a lot of money, but sometimes it will; it just depends on what we feel like doing that week. Since we know we have weekly plans, I figured that we would just trade off paying for things and not care about if one time was a few dollars more or less. We went out to a food hall and realized it would be easier to just use one credit card to buy all of our food and drinks. We bought whatever we wanted and agreed on all of the things, sharing it all. Since it was my friends credit card, at the end I just said, "Do you want me to pick up next time or would you prefer I give you money now or something else?". She said to Venmo her. In my position at a salaried job, making good money, I would have just thought to pay next time, however my friend is a college professor and earns stipends in the summer for classes she teaches. She makes decent money, but because it's not on a steady timeframe, she wanted to get money from me to cover her bills that week. By asking her directly and not in a dramatic way, we were able to figure out a plan that worked for both of us, without assuming things.
I think having those discussions is the ultimate form of respect in a relationship, because it says to them "I want to know your perspective, since mine is different and I don't want to just assume we agree on something."
A lot of people making far less money don't really want to discuss finances with friends in their free time and no matter how close you are, it's not really any of their business.
I'm so glad you posted this video! There's something about the strict adherence to "protecting my peace", super harsh boundary setting, lack of consideration, and hyper-individualistic behavior that has been so depressing to me and I feel kind of icky trying to take on those behaviors to stop getting my feelings hurt. I've been feeling like I have to become more self-centered even though I value community and communal practices. It's like I have to become stingy because that is how I see most people going about their lives. I'm just so glad that I'm seeing other people who have the same feelings as I do
This is SUCH a refreshing video -- I would absolutely love to see more content on this, it's such an important topic. Everyone seems to be completely fine with this phenomenon of increasing selfishness and having transactional relationships. We need more people to have discourse about it and criticise it. Please do more!!
I think the premise of this video ignores the fact that we are all getting financially demolished.
We're constantly penny pinching because we have to. We're self centered and plan cancelling because we have no energy left. There's nothing there to give. A lot of us with "good jobs" are working 50 hours a week and not making enough to live.
We should still be as generous and kind as possible, but I think it's important to note that this cultural development isn't occurring in a vacuum.
Yes, exactly. I think most of us are exhausted. And if you throw into it people who take and expect all the time too without ever giving back, no wonder we are making excuses to save the little time we have to ourselves!
I'm autistic and honestly sometimes this channel is surprisingly helpful with social skills.
Man I feel so lucky to have some of the neighbors I do. They always invite us to their events and we make it a point to show up. They have been generous with our kids and we have felt honored to return the favor. There has never been a question of “charging” each other if we invite each other’s kids for ice cream or something of that matter. We know that would be absurd because it comes around full circle.
I LOVE THIS!!! Im SO tired of seeing influencers using mental health/self care as their thing to bring more followers to sell crap to. Im physically unwell and we are on one income right now, what i can afford are homemade meals and home visits to my loved ones. Meanwhile, my close relative with a double income of fat six figures and free time wont even visit the lonely elderly in the family. Pisses me off.
"The most anti-capitalist thing to do is to care for yourself and care for others"-Joanna Hedva, Sick Woman Theory
Omg let me tell you a story. When we first moved to US, my sis was invited to a bday party at a restaurant and I went along. We were really enjoying ourselves until checks came and everyone asked for a separate one. We were like what.. you invite us and we pay? It was a huge culture shock! In our culture, we feed people all the time! If it’s our party we make sure they’re all fed and sometimes even give them party gifts, generally sweets or leftover food. I really miss that part of my culture, US is very cold in that regard. So hard to make friends here too
I sooo resonate with this video, this is honestly what I find like difficult about connecting with people and not understanding how to feel connected others when they are not focused on connecting with others and just on yourself
Thank you, thank you, thank you! There has been 10 years of selfish behavior glamorized as self care and I was confused
As someone who has been living in poverty my entire life I had no idea this even happened.
Its not just about money. Ex. a friend wanted us to get togeather. We arranged a time and were deciding on a place. She INSISTED on going to a coffee shop right by her house that was an hour out of everyone else's way. If we didn't go to the place she wanted, she wouldn't go because it was bad for her mental health. The group didn't want to feel like jerks so we all went an hour out of our way to accommodate her. There must have been some sort of middle ground.
I grew up in upper middle class and didn't either. And I can confirm my family was stingier than poorer ones. But "you're invited" always meant "I pay for everything and not you". Period.
One of the best speeches you gave us. Thank you! It makes clear that true value is in caring for each other, no matter the form of that care.
Really interesting video, I haven't seen a lot of the media around "emotional labor", but the whole point of friendship is that you offer emotional connection to people you care extra about! I've dropped friends who couldn't make the time or energy for me, ever, and I can't comprehend what people think a real friendship is for if not showing up for them and providing support.
Sure there are cases where it can be toxic or over the top, but I want my friends to *want* to go out of their way for me at least sometimes. You can't show that you care by sending memes and expecting reciprocation for every single thing.
Thanks I needed that. Honestly, I’ve been kind of very anxious about my future at this time because i feel like in this world if you don’t have a shitload of money when retiring you’ll sink into poverty like that. But honestly our social security system where i live is okay, I’m not going to be rich but I’m not going to be poor as long as i make reasonable decisions along the way and always have some money for worse situations saved up. I definitely don’t want to fall into the trap of penny pinching with my friends, that’s not the way, if anything i should want to have spare money to treat myself and others once in a while. That’s worth striving towards, not just money for the sake of having it
Some of us are in caring professions (education and medicine for example) and at the end of a work day (or weekends) we are exhausted. Some are indeed introverts and need to go home and just decompress.
It's so important to pick your moments with the adding up every cent spent with other people. I have a running list with my sister - birthday gifts, concerts and stuff make the list to be paid back. (I work in the city and usually pay for more because I can go get the stuff during lunch break - so these things don't really even out.) But the casual coffee or the spontaneous pizza one of us paid for doesn't make the list. It's nice to invite somone we should do it more often.
Thank you for the rant, you're a fantastic human being! (I still frequently think of your comment on people adopting pets during the pandemic and then having to return them, because that was so on point!)
Yes, everything about this message. I’ve always loved the saying of giving 100% of yourself in relationships. When you give 100% - you aren’t over here tallying how much your friend paid vs how much you paid. You are focusing on being a great friend, and being a your best self in that relationship. And it just feels good to treat your friends 😊
I remember feeling shocked five years ago when a "friend", who had paid for my coffee because the cafe was only taking cash and I didn't have any on me, literally ten minutes after I left her company messaged me to transfer $2.70 to her. I would never in a million years ask someone for that. What made it worse was that she was on six times my income.
I think there definitely is a class difference. I grew in and around the poor, working class, and lower middle class. Later, in my 30s, I was around upper middle class people (the woman mentioned above included). I was incredibly shocked at how mean they were. In my experience, the "lower classes" (and those from that background, even if they are more well-to-do now, like a doctor friend of mine) tend to be far more generous. Until then, I had never seen people be so mean and "everyone for themselves". I was used to people sharing and helping each other out.
As someone who lives in a culture where unless your friend explicitly said that she was treating you, you’d be expected to pay her back as soon as possible, even I think it’s extremely rude to ask to be paid back for such a small amount. However here it would be rude if you didn’t pay her back, either with a coffee if you see each other often or to send her the money as soon as you were able to.
It’s “wild” to be shocked by that regardless of how much she makes. It seems like you had no intention of paying them back which is sucky. I’d at least offer so that I don’t look entitled to another person’s money. Even if I tell a friend to keep the cash I still appreciate that they didn’t take advantage of even a small amount.
It's true that people who grew up in poverty are generally more generous. I say that as someone who grew up in upper middle class.
But even as someone with this background, I would never accept such a degree of stingyness. If you're able to have an upper middle class lifestyle, 2.70 $ shouldn't be an issue.
@@dinkyboss Did you miss the part where I said that *I* would never do that? It's shocking because according to my background/culture/social circles, the normal thing is to cover a small amount. I have shouted (paid for) many coffees, drinks, etc. for my friends and family and would be ashamed to ask for money. Most non-upper-middle-class Aussies and most people in most (not all) cultures would be shocked also, because it is regarded as extremely rude and showing poor hospitality. Before this happened, I had no idea that anyone did this because in over 30 years of life socialising with many different people, I'd never even witnessed people doing this. When I told family and friends about it, they were likewise shocked.
I didn't expect to be asked for money because that is not the social norm in my social circles and no one in my circles would ever do that. It would be a major social faux pas and considered an insult towards the other person. It's considered extra rude to be "tight" if you have much more money than the people with you. Again, another social faux pas and an insult. It has nothing to do with entitlement, especially as the paying small amounts for each other goes both ways. Furthermore, she had insisted on that cafe rather than going elsewhere nearby where they had functioning EFTPOS facilities, making it even worse again. It is quite normal to be shocked when someone transgresses social norms you take for granted and behaves in a manner that is so rude as to be basically a slap in the face, even if that was not the intention.
Also, this woman turned out to be incredibly narcissistic, but that's a side issue and another story.
I wonder if I hadn't said anything about my income at the time, if you would've responded in the same way. In my experience, it has been those from more well-to-do backgrounds who don't make an effort to pay people back rather than the other way around. In fact, I still have one outstanding debt and another woman who still hasn't returned my dress after 3 years...both upper middle class women. Of course, this is in Australia, so it might not be the same in every country.
Do try to actually understand what people are saying rather than just reacting. It's not about the money, it's about the social behaviour. Maybe in your circles what she did is considered normal but it certainly is not in mine.
@@Dejmo In most circles here it is considered extremely rude to expect someone to pay you back for a very small amount of money like that. (Different for larger amounts.) Even more so if you are doing well and the other person is struggling. It's not only rude, it's an insult towards the other person and you are telling them that you don't value or respect them. I was shocked because in over 30 years of life I had never even witnessed someone do that.
Furthermore, if you never pay for anything, then you're seen as cheap, "a tightarse", and get a bad reputation. In my circles, even when people are broke, they'll still pay for things because that's what you do.
However, this paying for things is not one-sided. It's reciprocal. There is the underlying assumption that sometimes you will buy them a coffee or similar. I would've gladly paid for her coffee another time because that's what you do. I didn't because I avoided socialising with her after that incident. (This incident wasn't the only issue but was a factor.)
Just my two cents, but I believe a lot of "selfish" people were once the most caring people on the planet. My best friend is one of them. She would be kind to every person she encountered, doesn't matter who needed money she would give, even if she had none, volunteer her time, her home, car, everything. In the end no one ever appreciated all she did, and most of the people she encountered took advantage. Today she's in selfish mode, doesn't say yes to things unless she feels like it, won't share her time if she doesn't want to, and I'm proud of her. At some point we all have to put ourselves first
This is really important. As someone who burned out years ago and then used the pandemic as an excuse to not meet people, I can say that today as I try to regain my social life I feel like shit. I think about the cost of riding the bus and having coffee, even tho I KNOW I need to meet my friends. I've come to realize that I've lost years of social life and that friendships means the world to me, and yet the petty economic side and introverted propaganda gets to me. Is money hard, yes. Am I somewhat introverted, also yes. Do I still need friends and a social life, YES.
I have been thinking about this for a while and it pretty awesome to see someone put it into something understandable. Particularily not beating around the push and acknowledging the real struggle that some (a growing number) need to deal with. In some ways the continuing trend feels like a fundamental misalignment with what being a human being is thought to be versus what being a human being is experienced as. Having the conversation sometimes feels like telling someone germs are real before they were "discovered". The comfort the provide is so strong at the expense of the rest of you comment is especially on point (if I am not misunderstanding)
1. Show up if you say you’re going to especially if a kid is waiting for you. Nothing is sadder than watching my kid wait at a window with excitement as every car passes. If you need to cancel, make sure it is done before the other party is waiting.
2. Learning generosity outside of gift giving is essential. The environmentalist in me gets anxiety from getting gifts just to get a gift. Live generously with your time and thoughtfulness instead of stuff. Find a way to volunteer if you can.
3. Tit for tat has no place in any relationship. I think it is nice to acknowledge when someone does something you perceive as lavish and to offer to contribute, but when the giver refuses, accepting their generosity without feeling like repayment is necessary is a learned skill.
4. Have confidence in yourself and gratitude for what you have. Keeping up with the Joneses has robbed too many people of happiness.
Thanks for the great video.
THIS IS A MUCH NEEDED CONVERSATION AND YOU ARE THE PERFECT PERSON TO TACKLE IT
Hell yes! A decade’s worth of feelings verbalized for me. Love this. Thank you! 😭❤️
Chelsea, you're amazing! I was guilty of these things over the years but I've been a lot more mindful of changing my ways since I quit my toxic work place. I found myself nodding along with every word you said! You go girl! 🌸
Chelsea for president 2024. You always manage to nail the *perfect* balance between critiquing systems and still acknowledging what things individuals can and should take initiative on, like not being socially cheap in our relationships.
What a remarkable video. What a fantastic and clear description and evaluation of something I've never thought about this way. Brilliant. Thank you
OMG! I really love every video I've watched from you but this is by far my favorite. I've been struggling with exactly this dichotomy, cos I consider myself a naturally generous person but I haven't had the desired response from others, so my first reaction was to become stingy, but I also found that it's not my best self and I felt like wasting one of my core gifts. Thanks for this amazing take, you've helped me clarify what I want and what my job is in order to achieve it. Love you, Chelsea!!! ❤️❤️❤️💚💚💚
I can be very generous with my time and energy, but am strapped financially. I also do not want gifts, but cherish interactions which do not need to cost money.
this is fair, some people are bothered by gifts because they feel the need to reciprocate the gift, and it gives them anxiety. It's important to understand the person you are giving to
@@tdreamer25 I am on the minimalism path....dedicated to reducing.... Receiving more stuff gives me anxiety.
@@cabayern9416 minimalism is fair too, that’s why I think you can’t go wrong by gifting food or just learning what each person wants/needs
I grew up poor. VERY poor (for an American anyway). I'm still not particularly well off.
Still, I could never EVER imagine asking people over to my house for a dinner and then having the absolute GALL to try and charge them for the food afterwards.
Thinking someone owes you for the time they spent talking to you about their grief, or canceling on people (or just not showing up) doesn't mean you're an introvert. It means you're a selfish asshole. I have avoidant personality disorder, I know about being introverted. (And no, I did not diagnose myself. Something else the internet can fuck straight in the direction of off for.)
For anyone out there who is struggling financially there is a fantastic way for that you can show your generosity:
Volunteer. Like, anywhere. Everywhere is in desperate need of help. You literally just have to ask.
I regularly volunteer my local church's foodbank. I am not even Christian. They know this and I still go and I even pray with them because I understand that their sentiment is heart felt.
I go to my local old folks rec center a few times a month for art time. The folks there just want to chat and paint. Sometimes you get the MAGA wearing "Millennials all suck" rather racist person, and you're probably thinking "I shouldn't have to be the person to change their minds!", and you don't. All you need to do is try to be kind and understanding. (Unless someone is overtly racist/sexist directly to you. You most certainly never should have to tolerate that.)
Your time and compassion are worth more than all the gold and diamonds on Earth. Reaching out to others is hard. Anything worth doing is.
I suffer from mental health issues and not once have thought about ditching on my friends, that's NOT taking care of your mental health, that's being an a-hole. Cheapens friendship, and trivializes mental health.
Thank you for this!!!! The happiest people I know are those who are abundantly generous, and are always thinking of lifting up others.
I love this video so much! I was thinking about this this morning. There are so many bs quotes on the internet that justify selfish behavior. Sometimes I want to be generous but have to withhold because it feels one sided. It honestly sucks and I wish that we would normalize being considerate.
I read a book twenty years ago that sort of revolutionized my life, 'Bowling Alone: the loss of Association in American Society'. Still as relevant today, if not more so. It got me volunteering, participating and generally improving my life since then.
Amen Chelsea. This video was so so needed. Thank you for making it!
This is my absolute favorite video you've posted. Dang. It's spot on.
I appreciate you!
I’ve always said with real friends financially treating one another always evens out, and I’ve never seen that not be true. Every genuine friendship I’ve have has been a give and take of paying for coffee, dinner, gifts whatever. It never feels like an IOU system, and both parties equally feel valued and cared for.