Also, many people don't recognize that your attachment styles can change depending on your relations with certain people. This means we can be X attachment style with one person or type of people, yet we can be X attachment style with one person or certain people. The way to look at it is we are not in 'one box', we may also be more dominant in one more than another, yet we aren't just ONE type. :D
I really needed this video right now. I got my autism and adhd diagnosis almost a year ago, and recently started dating my partner, who also has autism and adhd. He asked for space, and with my anxious attachment style, I started to spiral because I got very confused, and hurt, and didn't want to lose him. But I've been researching attachment styles, and how they affect relationships, and I feel like this is the first step in personal growth for the better. While this is a difficult time, I hope things will get better, and that I will come out a stronger person.
I’m dismissive avoidant and AuDHD and can relate a lot to this video. Especially the part about how you said you masked your autism by just going along with others and not expressing your own need and feelings. That hit close to home for me 🙏🏾
My girlfriend has a disorganized / anxious attachment style, while I am full fledged avoidant & autistic. We live in a studio apartment, and it is insanely overstimulating for my autism, but unfortunately it's really all we can afford at the moment. Sometimes I just cannot handle being around her, I can't handle hearing her, touching her, etc. Our love languages are also drastically different, she prioritizes physical affection which I find hard to provide with me being over stimulated. And then I also have the love language of acts of service, and she is emotionally disabled so she finds it hard to be productive. It's made for a challenging relationship, but I stay because I love her & I see our differences as potential for growth in both of us. We actually have our first couples therapy session today and I'm really excited about it.
As someone who has more recently discovered her autism, I can’t tell you how much I just wanted to cry listening to all of this. I’ve been accused in the past of being selfish, cold, and complicated, but now I’m realizing that it was a combination of narcissistic and codependent partners who didn’t hear me or want to hear my needs, which I didn’t understand at the time were me trying to regulate my overstimulation. I categorized it as being an HSP or energetically sensitive, which, I am those things too. But this adds an entirely new dimension to how I view myself in relationships. I’m starting to realize by watching this how little credit I’ve given myself for not settling for relationships that didn’t hear or support my needs. Thank you for voicing your own experiences. It helps me in uncovering my own and I’m deeply grateful. 💗
I guess I'm avoidant. I avoided relationships my whole life and on the occasions that I dated, always felt like the other person needed much more time together than I wanted. I struggle keeping up communication with anyone, including friends/family. Also have pretty chronic depression/anxiety and often just feel paralyzed trying to reply to a text.
Sounds like Neurologically you’ve been neglected and masking has resulted in you meeting your needs alone or self regulating. As opposed to knowing in your nervous system how to coregulate and that it’s an option available for you just a thought train that hopefully isn’t dysregulating
I feel like there’s SOME value in these relationship binaries, but there’s an unspoken stigma for folks who will probably self-identify as avoidant - and will not even consider their own experiences and/or their own genetic predisposition (whether it’s intergenerational trauma or not) - which I think is harmful. Especially for those who’ve developed maladaptive behaviors and have no sense of self, they’ll probably idealize these psychological constructs (as neurotypical as they are) and place themselves in even worse positions. If you’re that person (and you’re reading this), it’s okay to be alone. Take most things with a grain of salt - you’ll be okay, with or without the kinds of expectations we place on ourselves to be in a “secure” attachment.
I agree that the stigma can be very harmful! Sometimes especially in neurodivergent contexts. A distinction that is probably important is that insecure attachments ARE ‘maladaptive’ behaviours. You can have boundaries of communicating needs for space, without being avoidant. You can have a low capacity for avoidance without being anxious. The boxes carry traits, but attachment styles don’t define how someone ‘should’ navigate their relationships. The general idea of working on security is better viewed as an approach to communicating needs better and not disregarding another person’s needs. Instead of trying to ‘change yourself’ or change who you are to fit a neurotypical box. Personally, accepting more of myself over the years and noticing how insecure attachment patterns impact both my self esteem and life and my connections with others- it has made me ambitious to create my own kind of security, and work with people on an individual basis to have healthy close relationships- not just making myself one thing. Being myself, and behaving in ways that reflect my truth and needs, without hurting or sidelining care for others. Sorry if this is really long! I have a very big hypfix on attachment styles and relationships :)
Learning about Attachment styles a while back helped me see that actually, I have healthy attachment. I am autistic and happily living with an AuDHD partner, and have a good relationship to my parents. On the surface, the way I live my attachment might look avoidant - because I need a lot of space. But at the end of the day, I have learned to communicate my boundaries, I can participate in a ballanced give and take, and I can seek out emotional support as well as work through problems on my own. As will all things, a healthy attachment style might look different from the neurotypical norm, in an autistic person, but as long as you have harmonious and well communicating relationships, that is what makes it healthy.
I related a lot to what you’ve said about needing space and having a “needy” partner. I’m learning how to meet both our needs. I got my autism diagnosis a few months ago and understanding myself is definitely helping the relationship.
I have a low need of relation ships ... it was always like that. No wonder I found out Im aromantic. I wonder if a person really need partners in order to learn. I also learn. Im still with people in a day.
Hearing someone that is in a romantic relationship saying these things to single people gives me the same vibes as parents telling those who don't have or want children that they will not know true love until they have their own child. You can be single and learn, be a decent person, have a fulfilling life and grow as a person.
@@jamjam9962 in society it's seen as a endgoal to have a romantic relationship, married with kids. it annoys me a lot. There is more in life than that. Everyone needs something else in life the most.
I love Psychology in Seattle!! Dr. Kirk is the best. I’m AuDHD and I can’t cope with 24/7 communication on text & messages. I had to tell my friend to slow down but she wouldn’t.
@@Heyu7her3 True, yet some people expect to be responded to 24/7! I found that stressful and I felt guilty I can’t keep up. She got mad at me for being honest.
@@erikavaleriesI had a work colleague like that. She would call me after work nearly every day and want to basically talk about the job! I felt like I was still at work when I got home! I used to put my phone off (which I did anyway usually) and she’d be like, why don’t you keep your phone on? put your phone on! 😤
@@tracik1277 I completely relate. I realize now I rather not even socialize with coworkers. The workplace is typically the only thing in common unless you share similar tastes and hobbies. I def good for the "I'll let you know" if they bring up hanging out. I can't lol is your coworker still texting like a crazy person these days?
This was so spot on, I just got out of my first relationship after avoiding them for years and I have realized that in the initial stages I gave up everything for this person and never once said what I needed. With how relationships have been portrayed in my life I felt like I had to talk to them 24/7 for it to constitute a real relationship though in the process I essentially burned out of the relationship to the point where even the idea of talking to them would send me into a panic attack. I ended up breaking up with them and to them it came surprising as I hadn’t said anything though i knew that I couldn’t stay even if we had talked it out as they wouldn’t understand. Leaving was the absolute best decision I had, though may have been confusing from other views. This helped me gain some insight in to me and I appreciate you taking time to talk about this.
I have that same experience. I couldn't tell if I was an introvert or autistic the whole time, because I mostly spend time away from my family all the time. I just didn't felt fit in with them, but my cousin was the only member, who I felt more comfortable with being myself around with, because she understands how I felt, and she never judge me about why I don't felt fit in with the other members. I have that experience when it comes to friends. I tried to make friends, but keeping them was really hard for me. I do love being isolated, because it allows me to take breathing space. I mostly isolate myself in my room, because it was my safe space to be myself, and unmask my symptoms.
I'm a more avoidant version of the disorganized attachment style. I can't say I'm really working to be secure lol I want people to leave me alone and figure out how they'll deal with that. I tell people my needs/ limits, but it's like the won't give you space until you emotionally erupt on them/ meltdown.
This sounds like you might actually not be disorganised but actually securely attached. The theory behind attachment styles dismisses any genetic components (like introvercy or AUTISM)
I agree a little with ^ since usually avoidants don't communicate well. I've always known ppl to say "sometimes I dissappear and need space" but then never clarifying when that will happen they just randomly do it and also they don't say how long it lasts. So they can dissappear for a week or months and by then I've already interpreted that as they ghosted and we will never talk again bc I'm not playing games with ppl who don't want to effectively communicate.
@@jclyntoledo I’m usually seen as avoidant maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt by people to the point where i just don’t seem to be fearful interacting with most people
It’s ok to need space, it’s super ok to not have much capacity for people. As an anxious attachment autistic person, the problem that I reach is when someone I’m close to is avoidant and refuses to communicate their emotions, needs, and boundaries- or doesn’t clarify directly what space looks like for them. I’ve accidentally still been too involved with avoidant people when they need space because I don’t interpret what space looks like for them ‘properly’, and if I don’t know why and how long they need space for, I only get more anxious and have a hard time regulating myself if that person is very close to me. In any anxious/avoidant dynamic, both people need to adjust and communicate better to understand eachother and feel comfortable! I can easily give people distance and time if it’s communicated well! I just need to know the perimeters and specifics or else I have a hard time emotionally and socially with them. I think that’s an understandable response in general.
Without taking a quiz or anything, I’m going to say that I also have both anxious **and** avoidant attachment styles. 😆 ‘Makes total sense to me… seeing as I am also Autistic and ADHD. I’ve pretty much known my entire life that I’m a walking contradiction with never-ending internal ~and external!~ conflict.
My partner and i would like to be in close proximity even if we were doing two completely different things. It's like we just naturally gravitate towards each other, but we had enough space to do our own thing. We tried to have a long distance relationship after he moved, and unsurprisingly, it didn't work out. I also tend to just feel completely disoriented if anything consistent in my life changes, but I don't want to come off clingy in a relationship, so I give them too much freedom.
This was very interesting to hear. It helped me understand a lot of things. My ex boyfriend was Autistic and had Avoidant attachment style . It was a disaster since I have MDD and he triggered me a lot . I had many panic attacks and meltdowns. It got to a point where i started hating myself and blaming myself for all are arguments. And I would also justify his cruel behavior towards me because of his Autism. Now I am in therapy tring to get back to who I was before him❤
Its like you opened me up and read me like a book. I'm always feeling ashamed of my attachment style and need for autonomy ... I very recently went no contact with one of my oldest and closest friends because she was constantly disappointed by the amount of time we spent together. The codependence was too much and I made my boundaries clear (with compromises). Yet she still judged me and made me feel I was not a good friend over and over again. I DO care about people. I DO enjoy socializing. But I have learned I cannot sustain the 'normal' amount without a crash and burn. I always felt that avoidant people were vilified. And never understood why the content I saw about this attachment style almost NEVER brought up neurodivergence. Your video makes me feel heard and accepted. Thank you so much!!❤
Avoidant and fearful over here! I had started improving but my ex-manager put me in a state of autistic burnout and now I don't have energy for anything aside from basic functions a d trying to salvage what I can for work. I prefer remaining on my own to have a sure opportunity to get some time for myself, handled at my own rhythm. Because of my recent regression and the reawakened trust issues caused by my burnout, I also just... Don't feel well around people. I really don't. I am back to struggling to say no and express my needs as well, I'm prime prey for an exploitative relationship that can leave me even more damaged. I'd rather protect myself. I'm also 100% black cat energy, but golden retrievers are too tiring for me. Someone with a more quiet energy would be a better fit, since I am already so low on energy myself.
Every time I watch one of your videos I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone in my feelings and struggles. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
My partner and I are both autistic. He very much has an avoidant attachment style, while I believe I have a combo of both anxious and avoidant attachment. We’re still both learning how to grow together whilst having these attachment styles, and it’s definitely been a challenge, especially for me. On one hand, I appreciate us both having our space and not having to necessarily explain why we need our space, but there are times where my anxious attachment kicks in and I start ruminating. I know my fear of abandonment is what brings in my anxiety, so I was often requesting reassurance from my partner in the beginning of our relationship. I eventually had to take a step back and teach myself that my partners’ actions may sometimes have to display the reassurance I need, instead of solely relying on him to verbalize it. He has been working to be more communicative about when he needs extended periods of space, which is still a process for him. I know it’s going to take some time to get to a more “ideal” space, but I feel grateful that we are tending to our traumas in the process, so that we can both be in a healthier space, individually and together.
I’m undiagnosed but I’m definitely 100% on the spectrum you have no idea how much of a weight was lifted off me when you explained and understood the ways Ive felt my whole life. Words cannot explain how happy I am to have an explanation and videos to binge to learn myself more. I hope I can find people who understand near me ❤️
You articulated exactly how I feel in this video. The feeling of needing to be alone being the only way I can get my needs met. Yes! I find when I'm around most ppl, they need or rely on me too much emotionally. I want to run away. I tend to also come across that in romantic relationships where I eventually become more of their therapist. It's just easier for me to be alone. I like the thought of being around others in theory but once I'm there I feel like I want to jump out of my bones. Ppl mistaken this for me h8ing ppl. I don't. Im just able to take them in small doses. I already start my day at 75-85%. Once interaction begins, 20% is automatically subtracted lol. Like you, my style changes. The anxious avoidant def peeks through if the other person brings out my insecurities. Disorganized attachment also sounds pretty accurate too. Great video! I love how you actually used examples. A lot of times I feel this topic can be too theoretical where you forget how it is lived out.
Thanks for your youtube channel. You describe me. I was so completely drained and my body hurt so much. My ex wanted constant validation. I had no energy or strength. I actually felt eaten up. Like a fish gasping for air on land. More and more he put his life in my hands. Couldn't say no. But taught me a lesson for life.
This episode was honestly fire. I can relate to so much of this… I think I’ve labelled myself as avoidant, whereas actually I have certain neuro divergent needs to regulate away from others. I’ve also learned this the hard way, by losing myself in service to partners needs. Very well articulated! 👏 you cover so many complex important topics I don’t see anyone else covering and you always do it so well. Thankyou 🙏
Im disorganized attachment style. I need connection and i’m needy but im scared of proximity because im scared they will eventually do it. So I do it first. Most of the successful friendships I have are with people who understand my abundance of energy because I talk a lot and don’t find me overstimulating.
Just wanted to say that I really appreciate your content. I have ADHD and my partner has autism-- your videos help provide more context on his autism while also being relatable to me. 😘
sincerest apologies for spamming all your videos TT i tend to binge watch my favorite youtubers every couple months instead of watching the videos as they come out like a normal person :') i definitely have been noticing a really big shift from having an avoidant attachment style with most close friends and partners earlier in my life, to now feeling like i have more of a flip-flop between an anxious and secure attachment style, up until a breaking point in a relationship, in which i will almost do a complete 180, and suddenly i'm 14 again and avoiding people because i think they're mad at me :') i've been in a relationship with my current partner for a little over 10 months now, and i've noticed that the longer we are together (we're long distance right now as well), the safer i feel being able to take time for myself and not being super upset or worried when he takes time for himself as well. while i still do have trouble getting myself to communicate some emotions that i know are a product of my anxious attachment style, like jealousy, every time i've finally decided to come to him about it, i feel like we've genuinely come to a better understanding of what we both need in order to feel safe and happy in our relationship, which in turn further reinforces both of our healing in that sense. idk sorry for the really long comment i will take any and every opportunity to talk abt him TT
I love the idea we can learn so much and be so loved at the same time through relationships where the other/both partners aren't securely attached but communicate well and soothe each other, that's so reassuring :)
I LOVE Dr. Kirk! He's so great! So I had anxious attachment most of my life and for most of my relationships growing up, always chasing people who are emotionally unavailable with avoidant attached. I never really dated an anxious attached person myself. It was very uncomfortable being the chaser all the time, i felt neglected a lot, or just taken advantage of sometimes. Eventually i grew into secure attached, and again i dated someone who was avoidant attached after growing into that, and it was so much more comfortable. He needed a lot of space and after some communication we came to a compromise so that i could get my needs met and he can get his space. It worked out really well. Often times, anxious and avoidant attract each other, but they are not very compatible.
I want to start off by saying I just discovered and love your content. It has been very helpful to me personally and I wanted to thank you for being vulnerable and sharing so much of yourself to help others. I just want to be very clear that my only critique here is the sponsorship. BetterHelp has been very problematic and harmful to non-neurotypical people and therapists. I hope anyone reading this will look further into the issues with them; there are several good videos about the issues, and I recommend Mickey Atkins’ video to start. They’re quite predatory and ineffective, unfortunately, and it sucks that they have such a broad reach on TH-cam. Their actions are no one’s fault but their own, and content creators need to make a living; I just don’t want to see anyone else get screwed over by them.
I’m the same. For most of the time, I am avoidant. However, like you, I get attracted to avoidant partners and in those relationships, I become very anxiously attached. Recently, I was having this conversation with my psychologist and we were discussing whether or not my avoidant attachment style has any correlation to my autism. I guess there are too many contributing factors that play into it which contributes to your attachment style so the answer is inconclusive.
this helped cleared why my first in-person relationship did not work our and boy am I relieved to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing and yes, growth can be uncomfortable but healing.
I have a mix of an anxious and avoidant attachment styles, as a teen I have only had one partner (perfectly fine if you ask me) and due to me being autistic and also having really bad anxiety (she is audhd) , I just felt like I couldn’t trust them to stay with me even tho every time I asked they said they would never leave me, fast forward and after 6 months of dating we broke up because she needed a break from me and I took that personally and interpreted that as her not loving me anymore and me being too much effort for her, and now are still having issues with friendship and she keeps needing breaks from me and getting banned from talking to me by her parents, which keeps making me feel like the issue. Man life is brutal sometimes 😅
I'm watching this video over some frozen arepas for breakfast and can't help but share my experience of being in a long-term relationship with my current boyfriend of 6 years. We both believe he is on the spectrum ( I myself am currently being treated for ADHD, I could possibly also be on the spectrum but I haven't even begun that rabbit hole) and throughout our six years, our attachment style has slowly flowered into that of a secure one. There were so many rough patches in the beginning, specifically in moments where we would both display our avoidant attachment style. Of the two of us, he had more of a traumatic upbringing which meant that there was a lot of unlearning with thinking patterns that he had developed for his own survival. While I didn't have as much of a traumatic upbringing, I have picked up an avoidant attachment style from my parents who still to this day are fearful of showing their authentic selves to each other. For a while, I definitely felt like more of the needy partner and unintentionally would hold him up to standards that I thought needed to be followed due to what I heard from other neurotypicals. It wasn't until after the pandemic that we started to form a strong community with other neurodivergents and that we began to embrace our individual needs. While we both met each other in a work environment six years ago, our current work environment is one where we feel at ease. We are surrounded by a beautiful community of people who are open about their mental health, people who are not afraid to speak on their experiences surrounding their neurodivergence and/or mental disorders that they may also be going through. I write this comment because I am glad that this video serves as a "thought spot" for those who have encountered the difficulties of learning our loved ones' attachment styles. While I forget the specifics of each attachment style from time to time, being vulnerable and open with each other despite the anxiety that can come with it has only served my boyfriend and me well throughout the years. There is nothing comparable to the security that is felt in knowing there is total support for one another at the end of the day. It does take quite a bit of time and a lot of patience, and definitely let go of the idea that we think we know what ought to be the next step in a relationship. Seeing your video has definitely brought a pensive tone to my day (in the best way possible!) I appreciate anyone who is willing to be vulnerable about their experiences whether it be in person or online. The thought of creating videos myself definitely feels more of a possibility; sometimes I feel like I have so much to share and I feel that we can all relate to each other more than we think we can.
Also the parallel play comment and the cat comments ring so true! Parallel play is definitely a daily thing for us, and we definitely have related to feeling like cats (we also live in a five-cat household and these little creatures always remind us that it is okay to be who we are!)
This is a very new way for me to look at life. Many books exist on ATTACHMENT STYLE in Amazon's Kindle. We need to write a letter to my fellow residents about one neighbor, which our management teams are having trouble. This video will be used as a source, explaining why he had trouble attaching to any group or any person. In Australia, our various governments try to house avoidance persons. My working life as a social worker was to try to attach such persons away from self harm, and away from being harmful to others. This video and the attachment style approach might be needed to explain our efforts. Autism and the associated effects are much more common, and much more diverse than ever known. DSM Five, and later DSM versions will continue to be inaccurate in their guessing about reality.
wow, at the start you put into words the birthplace of my avoidant learned behaviour. i couldn’t have said it better myself, thanks for sharing and thanks for making that little me feel so seen
I really enjoy watching your videos. You present information that is thought provoking without projecting your experience onto others. Thank you! My husband and I have a secure attachment style in our relationship. Just like you said, having a learning mindset and both of us caring enough not to turn away from each other through the difficult times makes secure attachment possible. My life changed in a profound way when I found my person. The woman in the embedded video was 100% accurate also. Thank you again for sharing. I appreciate your great content and remarkable self awareness. Many blessings!
I struggle to voice my needs. I always feel like a burden, like it's my fault and I should work on myself first. I rarely ever tell what would help, what I want and often I just feel anxious without really knowing why. I don't know what to do to make it better.
I get tired of expressing my needs, eventually I get so tired of asking for my needs to be met that I detach as to not feel annoying and pestering. Perhaps that an experience alot of autistics go through, so then we just stop asking altogether.
I also can't be around completely avoidant people. It makes me feel so unimportant and like the relationship is transactional. I had someone see me crying after I got fired, ignore it and carry on with asking me to do them a favor and then turn around and leave. This person was part of a friend group I was in through my long term boyfriend and I wasn't even expecting a huge reaction or anything. But it was just wholly ignored. Right then I knew he wasn't safe. He apparently is like that with his best friends too until HE needs them.
This is a topic that I am struggling to find answers and understand. I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, I am a recovering "nice guy" (something I started working on addressing years ago), and I have autism. I have adapted really well with being autistic (aka masking), but I still have my struggles with the traits that come with autism. I am working on moving towards a healthy secure attachment style since my last relationship that ended several months ago, but I also know that some of my maladaptive attachment traits come from learning to mask and blend in to be able to socialize with others. My question is, for someone with autism, such as myself, how do we balance moving towards a secure attachment style while also managing autistic behaviours that would otherwise alienate us from others?
This is exactly ME, thank you so much I can't even start to tell you how much your videos are important and useful for me and so many others, THANK YOU ❤
15:21 i dont get the humans obsession with pain😂 and wanting to me triggered or "bought through the fire. I dont think its something I've ever understood. Its like if I'm not "feeling the burn" or the woes of growth its not working 😂😂😂 yes we go through hard things but something about humans love to seek the hardest way to accomplish a goal. For example i alwayd thought loosing weight i had to do all these crazy workouts and whatnot. But i actually lost more weight through diet change fasting and yoga and my workout was mild. I guess that could be a different kind of fire but it was WAAAAY less intense than the head first way. 😂 like i dont want nobody in my life triggering shit 😂😂 life is triggering and trying enough!! If you bring triggers you gone be shot OUT!!😂😂😂 and i feel like shes describing only one half of being by yourself..It is ABSOLUTELY NOT EASY to walk the path alone. Its actually in my opinion the hardest think ive ever done, because Im faced with myself EVERYDAY all my shit is on me and theres no one to blame or push it on too or a partner or love or cuddling to hide behind. Its like staring at yourself in your eyes in the mirror for hours and not looking away. You gotta see all that pain and take accountability for it. Now one path is surely not over the other just a different kind of path. But I dont think most people could walk this world alone by themselves for very long though.
Thank you for making this video. It really puts things into perspective for me as I have a roommate that I really want to connect with because I feel like we have so much in common! ( they’re also super cool! )It’s really hard for me I guess (I have ADHD and also struggle with rejection sensitivity) I try my best not to smother them and to respect their space, it just seems like they don’t really like me 😭 and really don’t want to socialize most of the time- Even with simple greetings like saying hi or bye :( Learning to not take it so personally, but the times that they do have the energy to socialize I feel like we have such pleasant conversations
I am the golden retriever surrounded by black cats!!! And I'm wondering why I have so many black cats in my life!! I love my black cats and give them the space they need tho
I once told my partner i needed space “before i knew why I always needed space” i was so scared to utter that and i was right, the relationship went downhill they said i didn’t want them or love them anymore so long story short we broke up and it wasn’t pretty, i think I’ll need more than 10 years to try again…
I am a pedagoge and the attachment styles have been criticised for quite some while now. It puts parents in responsibility when kids might just be anxious or careful genetically. It also doesnt consider any non-western family models and how they influence attachment.
Attachment styles have never made much sense to me. Three of the four categories seem to be the same thing, and secure attachment is just “normal!” when there seems to be a lot more nuance and variability than that
@@innocentnemesis3519Yes, they make it sound like you are deficient unless your style is ‘secure’ and people take on the idea it’s their own fault when the parents are at least half the cause (if not all of it).
@@innocentnemesis3519 they definitely aren't they do have some good points to them, but they're simply understating how much of it is simply a genetic component and doesn't say anything about actual attachment
My ex would be on his phone a lot while hanging out with me, to me that came across as rude even though I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. I know people are socialised differently and it never occured to him that he was making me anxious. It's hard to communicate needs without having the other person become defensive 😞
I didn’t even get to the two minute mark before it occurred to me that I genuinely have days where talking is the most difficult and frustrating task in the world. Do you have a previous video that covers your remedies for these types of days? Thank you!
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. And I don’t know how to discuss it or honor this part of me. My last relationship I asked for a break and he broke up with me.
this has made me realize that such a big part of why my relationships never worked out was bc i never was able to unmask around my partners and got burnt out and ran away :/
Hi dear, I love your content and your message. I just want to inform you that better help has been in a bit of hot water and might be getting sued so just so you are aware❤
Also, many people don't recognize that your attachment styles can change depending on your relations with certain people. This means we can be X attachment style with one person or type of people, yet we can be X attachment style with one person or certain people. The way to look at it is we are not in 'one box', we may also be more dominant in one more than another, yet we aren't just ONE type. :D
Really good point!
This is the answer ive been seeking ty! It can change
This make sense to me since this has happened to me quite often
That only happens when you're both...
Yeah some are unhealthy
I really needed this video right now. I got my autism and adhd diagnosis almost a year ago, and recently started dating my partner, who also has autism and adhd. He asked for space, and with my anxious attachment style, I started to spiral because I got very confused, and hurt, and didn't want to lose him. But I've been researching attachment styles, and how they affect relationships, and I feel like this is the first step in personal growth for the better. While this is a difficult time, I hope things will get better, and that I will come out a stronger person.
I’m dismissive avoidant and AuDHD and can relate a lot to this video. Especially the part about how you said you masked your autism by just going along with others and not expressing your own need and feelings. That hit close to home for me 🙏🏾
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My girlfriend has a disorganized / anxious attachment style, while I am full fledged avoidant & autistic. We live in a studio apartment, and it is insanely overstimulating for my autism, but unfortunately it's really all we can afford at the moment. Sometimes I just cannot handle being around her, I can't handle hearing her, touching her, etc. Our love languages are also drastically different, she prioritizes physical affection which I find hard to provide with me being over stimulated. And then I also have the love language of acts of service, and she is emotionally disabled so she finds it hard to be productive. It's made for a challenging relationship, but I stay because I love her & I see our differences as potential for growth in both of us. We actually have our first couples therapy session today and I'm really excited about it.
How are things doing?
As someone who has more recently discovered her autism, I can’t tell you how much I just wanted to cry listening to all of this. I’ve been accused in the past of being selfish, cold, and complicated, but now I’m realizing that it was a combination of narcissistic and codependent partners who didn’t hear me or want to hear my needs, which I didn’t understand at the time were me trying to regulate my overstimulation. I categorized it as being an HSP or energetically sensitive, which, I am those things too. But this adds an entirely new dimension to how I view myself in relationships. I’m starting to realize by watching this how little credit I’ve given myself for not settling for relationships that didn’t hear or support my needs. Thank you for voicing your own experiences. It helps me in uncovering my own and I’m deeply grateful. 💗
I guess I'm avoidant. I avoided relationships my whole life and on the occasions that I dated, always felt like the other person needed much more time together than I wanted. I struggle keeping up communication with anyone, including friends/family. Also have pretty chronic depression/anxiety and often just feel paralyzed trying to reply to a text.
Sounds like Neurologically you’ve been neglected and masking has resulted in you meeting your needs alone or self regulating. As opposed to knowing in your nervous system how to coregulate and that it’s an option available for you just a thought train that hopefully isn’t dysregulating
I feel like there’s SOME value in these relationship binaries, but there’s an unspoken stigma for folks who will probably self-identify as avoidant - and will not even consider their own experiences and/or their own genetic predisposition (whether it’s intergenerational trauma or not) - which I think is harmful. Especially for those who’ve developed maladaptive behaviors and have no sense of self, they’ll probably idealize these psychological constructs (as neurotypical as they are) and place themselves in even worse positions.
If you’re that person (and you’re reading this), it’s okay to be alone. Take most things with a grain of salt - you’ll be okay, with or without the kinds of expectations we place on ourselves to be in a “secure” attachment.
I agree that the stigma can be very harmful! Sometimes especially in neurodivergent contexts.
A distinction that is probably important is that insecure attachments ARE ‘maladaptive’ behaviours.
You can have boundaries of communicating needs for space, without being avoidant. You can have a low capacity for avoidance without being anxious.
The boxes carry traits, but attachment styles don’t define how someone ‘should’ navigate their relationships.
The general idea of working on security is better viewed as an approach to communicating needs better and not disregarding another person’s needs. Instead of trying to ‘change yourself’ or change who you are to fit a neurotypical box.
Personally, accepting more of myself over the years and noticing how insecure attachment patterns impact both my self esteem and life and my connections with others- it has made me ambitious to create my own kind of security, and work with people on an individual basis to have healthy close relationships- not just making myself one thing. Being myself, and behaving in ways that reflect my truth and needs, without hurting or sidelining care for others.
Sorry if this is really long! I have a very big hypfix on attachment styles and relationships :)
Learning about Attachment styles a while back helped me see that actually, I have healthy attachment. I am autistic and happily living with an AuDHD partner, and have a good relationship to my parents. On the surface, the way I live my attachment might look avoidant - because I need a lot of space. But at the end of the day, I have learned to communicate my boundaries, I can participate in a ballanced give and take, and I can seek out emotional support as well as work through problems on my own. As will all things, a healthy attachment style might look different from the neurotypical norm, in an autistic person, but as long as you have harmonious and well communicating relationships, that is what makes it healthy.
I related a lot to what you’ve said about needing space and having a “needy” partner. I’m learning how to meet both our needs. I got my autism diagnosis a few months ago and understanding myself is definitely helping the relationship.
Or feeling needy and so detaching before someone can do it to you.
@@raydromeda3777 oof. yeah I feel that. It’s hard.
Congrats on navigating both your needs and growing to understand yourself more !! I wish u luck
I have a low need of relation ships ... it was always like that. No wonder I found out Im aromantic. I wonder if a person really need partners in order to learn. I also learn. Im still with people in a day.
Hearing someone that is in a romantic relationship saying these things to single people gives me the same vibes as parents telling those who don't have or want children that they will not know true love until they have their own child. You can be single and learn, be a decent person, have a fulfilling life and grow as a person.
@@jamjam9962 in society it's seen as a endgoal to have a romantic relationship, married with kids. it annoys me a lot. There is more in life than that. Everyone needs something else in life the most.
I love Psychology in Seattle!! Dr. Kirk is the best.
I’m AuDHD and I can’t cope with 24/7 communication on text & messages. I had to tell my friend to slow down but she wouldn’t.
Good thing with text messages is you can reasons when you feel like (unlike calls) and can even mute notifications til a certain time.
@@Heyu7her3 True, yet some people expect to be responded to 24/7! I found that stressful and I felt guilty I can’t keep up. She got mad at me for being honest.
@@erikavaleriesI had a work colleague like that. She would call me after work nearly every day and want to basically talk about the job! I felt like I was still at work when I got home! I used to put my phone off (which I did anyway usually) and she’d be like, why don’t you keep your phone on? put your phone on! 😤
@@tracik1277 aaahhh it’s so frustrating! I need to not give my number to anyone until I know they respect my time and don’t act clingy or pushy.
@@tracik1277 I completely relate. I realize now I rather not even socialize with coworkers. The workplace is typically the only thing in common unless you share similar tastes and hobbies. I def good for the "I'll let you know" if they bring up hanging out. I can't lol is your coworker still texting like a crazy person these days?
This was so spot on, I just got out of my first relationship after avoiding them for years and I have realized that in the initial stages I gave up everything for this person and never once said what I needed. With how relationships have been portrayed in my life I felt like I had to talk to them 24/7 for it to constitute a real relationship though in the process I essentially burned out of the relationship to the point where even the idea of talking to them would send me into a panic attack. I ended up breaking up with them and to them it came surprising as I hadn’t said anything though i knew that I couldn’t stay even if we had talked it out as they wouldn’t understand. Leaving was the absolute best decision I had, though may have been confusing from other views. This helped me gain some insight in to me and I appreciate you taking time to talk about this.
I have that same experience. I couldn't tell if I was an introvert or autistic the whole time, because I mostly spend time away from my family all the time. I just didn't felt fit in with them, but my cousin was the only member, who I felt more comfortable with being myself around with, because she understands how I felt, and she never judge me about why I don't felt fit in with the other members. I have that experience when it comes to friends. I tried to make friends, but keeping them was really hard for me. I do love being isolated, because it allows me to take breathing space. I mostly isolate myself in my room, because it was my safe space to be myself, and unmask my symptoms.
I'm a more avoidant version of the disorganized attachment style. I can't say I'm really working to be secure lol I want people to leave me alone and figure out how they'll deal with that. I tell people my needs/ limits, but it's like the won't give you space until you emotionally erupt on them/ meltdown.
Fr man we’re not feeling well why can’t you support that!!
This sounds like you might actually not be disorganised but actually securely attached. The theory behind attachment styles dismisses any genetic components (like introvercy or AUTISM)
I agree a little with ^ since usually avoidants don't communicate well. I've always known ppl to say "sometimes I dissappear and need space" but then never clarifying when that will happen they just randomly do it and also they don't say how long it lasts. So they can dissappear for a week or months and by then I've already interpreted that as they ghosted and we will never talk again bc I'm not playing games with ppl who don't want to effectively communicate.
@@jclyntoledo I’m usually seen as avoidant maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt by people to the point where i just don’t seem to be fearful interacting with most people
It’s ok to need space, it’s super ok to not have much capacity for people. As an anxious attachment autistic person, the problem that I reach is when someone I’m close to is avoidant and refuses to communicate their emotions, needs, and boundaries- or doesn’t clarify directly what space looks like for them. I’ve accidentally still been too involved with avoidant people when they need space because I don’t interpret what space looks like for them ‘properly’, and if I don’t know why and how long they need space for, I only get more anxious and have a hard time regulating myself if that person is very close to me. In any anxious/avoidant dynamic, both people need to adjust and communicate better to understand eachother and feel comfortable! I can easily give people distance and time if it’s communicated well! I just need to know the perimeters and specifics or else I have a hard time emotionally and socially with them. I think that’s an understandable response in general.
Without taking a quiz or anything, I’m going to say that I also have both anxious **and** avoidant attachment styles. 😆
‘Makes total sense to me… seeing as I am also Autistic and ADHD. I’ve pretty much known my entire life that I’m a walking contradiction with never-ending internal ~and external!~ conflict.
Sadly my boyfriend of seven years left me but after seeing this video I’m starting to understand both our attachment styles and issues
My partner and i would like to be in close proximity even if we were doing two completely different things. It's like we just naturally gravitate towards each other, but we had enough space to do our own thing. We tried to have a long distance relationship after he moved, and unsurprisingly, it didn't work out. I also tend to just feel completely disoriented if anything consistent in my life changes, but I don't want to come off clingy in a relationship, so I give them too much freedom.
This was very interesting to hear. It helped me understand a lot of things. My ex boyfriend was Autistic and had Avoidant attachment style . It was a disaster since I have MDD and he triggered me a lot . I had many panic attacks and meltdowns. It got to a point where i started hating myself and blaming myself for all are arguments. And I would also justify his cruel behavior towards me because of his Autism. Now I am in therapy tring to get back to who I was before him❤
Its like you opened me up and read me like a book. I'm always feeling ashamed of my attachment style and need for autonomy ... I very recently went no contact with one of my oldest and closest friends because she was constantly disappointed by the amount of time we spent together. The codependence was too much and I made my boundaries clear (with compromises). Yet she still judged me and made me feel I was not a good friend over and over again. I DO care about people. I DO enjoy socializing. But I have learned I cannot sustain the 'normal' amount without a crash and burn.
I always felt that avoidant people were vilified. And never understood why the content I saw about this attachment style almost NEVER brought up neurodivergence.
Your video makes me feel heard and accepted. Thank you so much!!❤
Avoidant and fearful over here! I had started improving but my ex-manager put me in a state of autistic burnout and now I don't have energy for anything aside from basic functions a d trying to salvage what I can for work. I prefer remaining on my own to have a sure opportunity to get some time for myself, handled at my own rhythm. Because of my recent regression and the reawakened trust issues caused by my burnout, I also just... Don't feel well around people. I really don't. I am back to struggling to say no and express my needs as well, I'm prime prey for an exploitative relationship that can leave me even more damaged. I'd rather protect myself.
I'm also 100% black cat energy, but golden retrievers are too tiring for me. Someone with a more quiet energy would be a better fit, since I am already so low on energy myself.
Every time I watch one of your videos I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone in my feelings and struggles. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
My partner and I are both autistic. He very much has an avoidant attachment style, while I believe I have a combo of both anxious and avoidant attachment. We’re still both learning how to grow together whilst having these attachment styles, and it’s definitely been a challenge, especially for me. On one hand, I appreciate us both having our space and not having to necessarily explain why we need our space, but there are times where my anxious attachment kicks in and I start ruminating.
I know my fear of abandonment is what brings in my anxiety, so I was often requesting reassurance from my partner in the beginning of our relationship. I eventually had to take a step back and teach myself that my partners’ actions may sometimes have to display the reassurance I need, instead of solely relying on him to verbalize it. He has been working to be more communicative about when he needs extended periods of space, which is still a process for him. I know it’s going to take some time to get to a more “ideal” space, but I feel grateful that we are tending to our traumas in the process, so that we can both be in a healthier space, individually and together.
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I’m undiagnosed but I’m definitely 100% on the spectrum you have no idea how much of a weight was lifted off me when you explained and understood the ways Ive felt my whole life. Words cannot explain how happy I am to have an explanation and videos to binge to learn myself more. I hope I can find people who understand near me ❤️
I just found your channel definitely am aware.. something says pay attention to what I do the most. And that’s what my ability is strongest .
You articulated exactly how I feel in this video. The feeling of needing to be alone being the only way I can get my needs met. Yes!
I find when I'm around most ppl, they need or rely on me too much emotionally. I want to run away. I tend to also come across that in romantic relationships where I eventually become more of their therapist. It's just easier for me to be alone. I like the thought of being around others in theory but once I'm there I feel like I want to jump out of my bones. Ppl mistaken this for me h8ing ppl. I don't. Im just able to take them in small doses. I already start my day at 75-85%. Once interaction begins, 20% is automatically subtracted lol.
Like you, my style changes. The anxious avoidant def peeks through if the other person brings out my insecurities. Disorganized attachment also sounds pretty accurate too. Great video! I love how you actually used examples. A lot of times I feel this topic can be too theoretical where you forget how it is lived out.
Thanks for your youtube channel. You describe me. I was so completely drained and my body hurt so much. My ex wanted constant validation. I had no energy or strength. I actually felt eaten up. Like a fish gasping for air on land. More and more he put his life in my hands. Couldn't say no. But taught me a lesson for life.
This episode was honestly fire. I can relate to so much of this… I think I’ve labelled myself as avoidant, whereas actually I have certain neuro divergent needs to regulate away from others. I’ve also learned this the hard way, by losing myself in service to partners needs. Very well articulated! 👏 you cover so many complex important topics I don’t see anyone else covering and you always do it so well. Thankyou 🙏
Im disorganized attachment style. I need connection and i’m needy but im scared of proximity because im scared they will eventually do it. So I do it first. Most of the successful friendships I have are with people who understand my abundance of energy because I talk a lot and don’t find me overstimulating.
Just wanted to say that I really appreciate your content. I have ADHD and my partner has autism-- your videos help provide more context on his autism while also being relatable to me. 😘
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sincerest apologies for spamming all your videos TT i tend to binge watch my favorite youtubers every couple months instead of watching the videos as they come out like a normal person :')
i definitely have been noticing a really big shift from having an avoidant attachment style with most close friends and partners earlier in my life, to now feeling like i have more of a flip-flop between an anxious and secure attachment style, up until a breaking point in a relationship, in which i will almost do a complete 180, and suddenly i'm 14 again and avoiding people because i think they're mad at me :')
i've been in a relationship with my current partner for a little over 10 months now, and i've noticed that the longer we are together (we're long distance right now as well), the safer i feel being able to take time for myself and not being super upset or worried when he takes time for himself as well. while i still do have trouble getting myself to communicate some emotions that i know are a product of my anxious attachment style, like jealousy, every time i've finally decided to come to him about it, i feel like we've genuinely come to a better understanding of what we both need in order to feel safe and happy in our relationship, which in turn further reinforces both of our healing in that sense.
idk sorry for the really long comment i will take any and every opportunity to talk abt him TT
I really loved this thank you. This gives me much to think about.
I love the idea we can learn so much and be so loved at the same time through relationships where the other/both partners aren't securely attached but communicate well and soothe each other, that's so reassuring :)
I LOVE Dr. Kirk! He's so great!
So I had anxious attachment most of my life and for most of my relationships growing up, always chasing people who are emotionally unavailable with avoidant attached. I never really dated an anxious attached person myself. It was very uncomfortable being the chaser all the time, i felt neglected a lot, or just taken advantage of sometimes. Eventually i grew into secure attached, and again i dated someone who was avoidant attached after growing into that, and it was so much more comfortable. He needed a lot of space and after some communication we came to a compromise so that i could get my needs met and he can get his space. It worked out really well. Often times, anxious and avoidant attract each other, but they are not very compatible.
I want to start off by saying I just discovered and love your content. It has been very helpful to me personally and I wanted to thank you for being vulnerable and sharing so much of yourself to help others. I just want to be very clear that my only critique here is the sponsorship. BetterHelp has been very problematic and harmful to non-neurotypical people and therapists. I hope anyone reading this will look further into the issues with them; there are several good videos about the issues, and I recommend Mickey Atkins’ video to start. They’re quite predatory and ineffective, unfortunately, and it sucks that they have such a broad reach on TH-cam. Their actions are no one’s fault but their own, and content creators need to make a living; I just don’t want to see anyone else get screwed over by them.
I am Attached to you now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m the same. For most of the time, I am avoidant. However, like you, I get attracted to avoidant partners and in those relationships, I become very anxiously attached. Recently, I was having this conversation with my psychologist and we were discussing whether or not my avoidant attachment style has any correlation to my autism. I guess there are too many contributing factors that play into it which contributes to your attachment style so the answer is inconclusive.
Such a explanation in depth and relatable, great great work❤
this helped cleared why my first in-person relationship did not work our and boy am I relieved to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing and yes, growth can be uncomfortable but healing.
I have a mix of an anxious and avoidant attachment styles, as a teen I have only had one partner (perfectly fine if you ask me) and due to me being autistic and also having really bad anxiety (she is audhd) , I just felt like I couldn’t trust them to stay with me even tho every time I asked they said they would never leave me, fast forward and after 6 months of dating we broke up because she needed a break from me and I took that personally and interpreted that as her not loving me anymore and me being too much effort for her, and now are still having issues with friendship and she keeps needing breaks from me and getting banned from talking to me by her parents, which keeps making me feel like the issue. Man life is brutal sometimes 😅
Thank you for sharing!❤
I'm watching this video over some frozen arepas for breakfast and can't help but share my experience of being in a long-term relationship with my current boyfriend of 6 years.
We both believe he is on the spectrum ( I myself am currently being treated for ADHD, I could possibly also be on the spectrum but I haven't even begun that rabbit hole) and throughout our six years, our attachment style has slowly flowered into that of a secure one. There were so many rough patches in the beginning, specifically in moments where we would both display our avoidant attachment style. Of the two of us, he had more of a traumatic upbringing which meant that there was a lot of unlearning with thinking patterns that he had developed for his own survival. While I didn't have as much of a traumatic upbringing, I have picked up an avoidant attachment style from my parents who still to this day are fearful of showing their authentic selves to each other. For a while, I definitely felt like more of the needy partner and unintentionally would hold him up to standards that I thought needed to be followed due to what I heard from other neurotypicals.
It wasn't until after the pandemic that we started to form a strong community with other neurodivergents and that we began to embrace our individual needs. While we both met each other in a work environment six years ago, our current work environment is one where we feel at ease. We are surrounded by a beautiful community of people who are open about their mental health, people who are not afraid to speak on their experiences surrounding their neurodivergence and/or mental disorders that they may also be going through.
I write this comment because I am glad that this video serves as a "thought spot" for those who have encountered the difficulties of learning our loved ones' attachment styles. While I forget the specifics of each attachment style from time to time, being vulnerable and open with each other despite the anxiety that can come with it has only served my boyfriend and me well throughout the years. There is nothing comparable to the security that is felt in knowing there is total support for one another at the end of the day. It does take quite a bit of time and a lot of patience, and definitely let go of the idea that we think we know what ought to be the next step in a relationship.
Seeing your video has definitely brought a pensive tone to my day (in the best way possible!) I appreciate anyone who is willing to be vulnerable about their experiences whether it be in person or online. The thought of creating videos myself definitely feels more of a possibility; sometimes I feel like I have so much to share and I feel that we can all relate to each other more than we think we can.
Also the parallel play comment and the cat comments ring so true! Parallel play is definitely a daily thing for us, and we definitely have related to feeling like cats (we also live in a five-cat household and these little creatures always remind us that it is okay to be who we are!)
This is a very new way for me to look at life. Many books exist on ATTACHMENT STYLE in Amazon's Kindle.
We need to write a letter to my fellow residents about one neighbor, which our management teams are having trouble. This video will be used as a source, explaining why he had trouble attaching to any group or any person.
In Australia, our various governments try to house avoidance persons. My working life as a social worker was to try to attach such persons away from self harm, and away from being harmful to others.
This video and the attachment style approach might be needed to explain our efforts. Autism and the associated effects are much more common, and much more diverse than ever known. DSM Five, and later DSM versions will continue to be inaccurate in their guessing about reality.
You sharing your experience is extremely valuable and I relate to it often. Enough people have already talked about general stuff. Thank you!
wow, at the start you put into words the birthplace of my avoidant learned behaviour. i couldn’t have said it better myself, thanks for sharing and thanks for making that little me feel so seen
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I relate to everything you said about yourself.. I feel so much more understood and that I'm not alone
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I really enjoy watching your videos. You present information that is thought provoking without projecting your experience onto others. Thank you!
My husband and I have a secure attachment style in our relationship. Just like you said, having a learning mindset and both of us caring enough not to turn away from each other through the difficult times makes secure attachment possible. My life changed in a profound way when I found my person. The woman in the embedded video was 100% accurate also. Thank you again for sharing. I appreciate your great content and remarkable self awareness. Many blessings!
I struggle to voice my needs. I always feel like a burden, like it's my fault and I should work on myself first. I rarely ever tell what would help, what I want and often I just feel anxious without really knowing why.
I don't know what to do to make it better.
I get tired of expressing my needs, eventually I get so tired of asking for my needs to be met that I detach as to not feel annoying and pestering. Perhaps that an experience alot of autistics go through, so then we just stop asking altogether.
Uh wow, listening to this sounds EXACTLY like the dilemmas of my attachment style! I had never thought of myself as that avoidant but I guess I am!
3 things i think are important in a relationship for both parties to understand each other: attachment style, love language, mbti
Whew!!!! The endless source of validation part is so real. 😅
❤ Your current relationship sounds a lot like my current relationship! It's so good!! ❣️
Wow. Same. Thanks for sharing.
Im autistic and adhd with anxious and avoidant styles. Very conflicting
Fearful Avoidant attachment style maybe?
The bangs are back!!! 🥰
I also can't be around completely avoidant people. It makes me feel so unimportant and like the relationship is transactional. I had someone see me crying after I got fired, ignore it and carry on with asking me to do them a favor and then turn around and leave. This person was part of a friend group I was in through my long term boyfriend and I wasn't even expecting a huge reaction or anything. But it was just wholly ignored. Right then I knew he wasn't safe. He apparently is like that with his best friends too until HE needs them.
that’s not an avoidant style. that’s sociopathy.
This is a topic that I am struggling to find answers and understand. I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, I am a recovering "nice guy" (something I started working on addressing years ago), and I have autism. I have adapted really well with being autistic (aka masking), but I still have my struggles with the traits that come with autism.
I am working on moving towards a healthy secure attachment style since my last relationship that ended several months ago, but I also know that some of my maladaptive attachment traits come from learning to mask and blend in to be able to socialize with others.
My question is, for someone with autism, such as myself, how do we balance moving towards a secure attachment style while also managing autistic behaviours that would otherwise alienate us from others?
Me to myself about you "I love her" 🐾🐾 your videos have helped me so much, tysvm
Yes! As soon as I feel a friend, partner, or anyone is dependent on me to validate their feelings, I'm out.
I’m going to look up more about this theory thanks
This is exactly ME, thank you so much I can't even start to tell you how much your videos are important and useful for me and so many others, THANK YOU ❤
U continue to amaze me
15:21 i dont get the humans obsession with pain😂 and wanting to me triggered or "bought through the fire. I dont think its something I've ever understood. Its like if I'm not "feeling the burn" or the woes of growth its not working 😂😂😂 yes we go through hard things but something about humans love to seek the hardest way to accomplish a goal. For example i alwayd thought loosing weight i had to do all these crazy workouts and whatnot. But i actually lost more weight through diet change fasting and yoga and my workout was mild. I guess that could be a different kind of fire but it was WAAAAY less intense than the head first way. 😂 like i dont want nobody in my life triggering shit 😂😂 life is triggering and trying enough!! If you bring triggers you gone be shot OUT!!😂😂😂 and i feel like shes describing only one half of being by yourself..It is ABSOLUTELY NOT EASY to walk the path alone. Its actually in my opinion the hardest think ive ever done, because Im faced with myself EVERYDAY all my shit is on me and theres no one to blame or push it on too or a partner or love or cuddling to hide behind. Its like staring at yourself in your eyes in the mirror for hours and not looking away. You gotta see all that pain and take accountability for it. Now one path is surely not over the other just a different kind of path. But I dont think most people could walk this world alone by themselves for very long though.
Thank you for making this video. It really puts things into perspective for me as I have a roommate that I really want to connect with because I feel like we have so much in common! ( they’re also super cool! )It’s really hard for me I guess (I have ADHD and also struggle with rejection sensitivity) I try my best not to smother them and to respect their space, it just seems like they don’t really like me 😭 and really don’t want to socialize most of the time- Even with simple greetings like saying hi or bye :( Learning to not take it so personally, but the times that they do have the energy to socialize I feel like we have such pleasant conversations
I am the golden retriever surrounded by black cats!!! And I'm wondering why I have so many black cats in my life!! I love my black cats and give them the space they need tho
This was sooo good! And so relatable. Thank you so much for sharing
I relate to so much of what you are saying. Thank you for discussing this with us
this video is so important to you thank you so much
Thanx so much for your video!
bailey appearance!
AuDHD and am FA leaning avoidant. Working towards secure w. the help of the Personal Development School
This has been so informative! ThanX
Thank you so much for this. Love and light. ❤
I once told my partner i needed space “before i knew why I always needed space” i was so scared to utter that and i was right, the relationship went downhill they said i didn’t want them or love them anymore so long story short we broke up and it wasn’t pretty, i think I’ll need more than 10 years to try again…
I am a pedagoge and the attachment styles have been criticised for quite some while now. It puts parents in responsibility when kids might just be anxious or careful genetically. It also doesnt consider any non-western family models and how they influence attachment.
Attachment styles have never made much sense to me. Three of the four categories seem to be the same thing, and secure attachment is just “normal!” when there seems to be a lot more nuance and variability than that
@@innocentnemesis3519Yes, they make it sound like you are deficient unless your style is ‘secure’ and people take on the idea it’s their own fault when the parents are at least half the cause (if not all of it).
@@innocentnemesis3519 they definitely aren't they do have some good points to them, but they're simply understating how much of it is simply a genetic component and doesn't say anything about actual attachment
Side note… your hair and makeup 😍
This hit me so hard..................just wow
Hey just saw that this video is unlisted. I found it in your 'Autism and Dating' playlist. Just wanted to check if it's supposed to be unlisted?
My ex would be on his phone a lot while hanging out with me, to me that came across as rude even though I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. I know people are socialised differently and it never occured to him that he was making me anxious. It's hard to communicate needs without having the other person become defensive 😞
I didn’t even get to the two minute mark before it occurred to me that I genuinely have days where talking is the most difficult and frustrating task in the world.
Do you have a previous video that covers your remedies for these types of days?
Thank you!
Wow this is amazing, thank you
I identify with cats so much that my cats also seem to identify with me.
I love this channel!!
Damn your challenge has grown, congrats!
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. And I don’t know how to discuss it or honor this part of me. My last relationship I asked for a break and he broke up with me.
I'm afraid to tell people what I need.
Me too. I'm afraid of being misunderstood.
this has made me realize that such a big part of why my relationships never worked out was bc i never was able to unmask around my partners and got burnt out and ran away :/
Leaving a comment for the algorithm
I am fearful avoidant, plus autistic.
Hi dear, I love your content and your message. I just want to inform you that better help has been in a bit of hot water and might be getting sued so just so you are aware❤
Great content 👍🏻
#relatable
Looks a lot like CEN :)
i feel like my girlfriend and I have a really similar dynamic.
People who stare at me make me so fucking angry
You sound FA w/ the whole attuning into other people thing