At 66 years of age, and years of struggling with my emotions, I have finally found this method of healing I first found Dr. Gabor Mate. These two are now collaborating, which is just awesome!
@@SophiaClarissa Hi Sophia, as I was asking clients to focus on traumatic incidents during EMDR, I would often notice they would not be able to access the memory beyond the sliver of what they consciously remembered and were almost stuck, so I would ask if the adult Self could be there with the younger “part” to hug, console or take care of the part immediately following the traumatic incident. This seemed to allow the younger part to unblend, release emotions and be unburdened of the shame or other negative self judgments which came with the trauma. Afterwards, once the incident was reprocessed, the unblended/unburdened young part seemed to be more easily integrated and no longer triggered.😊
Hi Harriet 👋 I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
50 today exiled 29yes from my son and grandchildren myself and family For basically nothing we never did anything but live it Emotionally been alone so long no desire being around anyone they leave or easier to tell you go away it's beyond hurt but made me stronger go as I have to God bless everyone else going through this
I wonder as I'm listening, that connecting me to myself as the secure attachment figure sounds useful but I notice a feeling arising, a sense of frustration and retraumatising - I never had a competent trustworthy parent and had to parent my parents, so as a child I never experienced a caring, nurturing, compassionate parent-child relationship. What Richard is saying feels like it's missing that developmental piece for me and I feel some shame arising when I consider my dependence on my therapist, when all I really want to do is to allow myself to feel his care and compassion and the sense of trust and safety therein, but then I circle back aound to shame, telling myself that I shouldn't be wanting that from my therapist, I must rely on myself for it. There is a lot about IFS that I like, I am recovering exiled parts in my own therapy experience and IFS really offers a model and a language that makes sense of my experience. I don't want to be reliant forever on my therapist, the dependence is actually beginning to shift with the experience of earnt secure attachment and trusting that there is a secure base to return to, created within our therapeutic relationship. I wonder if this focus on creating the client's own good internal parent/internal attachment figure feels like re-abandonment for me. I also wonder if it is bypassing an important developmental stage....focussing on the internal attachment and reducing the role of the external attachment process, is that not an important part of a developing human being for knowing how to be in an interdependent as well as intradependent relationships? I am a big fan of IFS but I'm just left curious and wondering about this aspect....it has stirred up something in me, obviously showing me something about my early childhood wounding. I still have a lot to learn and to heal. Thanks Richard for the great work you're doing in developing this field
After interpersonally re-wounding experiences with therapists at DBT and EMDR therapy (never attempted ifs) I looked into developmental trauma. Found a psychotherapist who deals specifically with developmental therapy , attachment , early losses & adoption . I highly suggest for people with high ACES to look at developmental trauma therapists. I’ve only had one session with her but already don’t know how to even accept her warmth and care. Hoping she understands I’m not being flakey & it goes well.
Hey, it's been a year and idk if you feel differently on this, but I too have had and still deal with a similar issue. What helped me: telling these deeper exiled parts that they DID NEED a parent to take care of them, and they STILL NEED one. But I explain to them that the parents they needed were only ever supposed to be there to fill them with so much love that it would spill over, turn them into adults some day, and then they'd be adults with overflowing love to give and receive without needing parenting anymore. That makes these parts in me EXTREMELY sad, but their sadness (their grief!!) is what actually needs to be witnessed!! They'll only trust us with witnessing that sadness as long as they can be confident we won't turn around and say "good, you cried about losing your innocence and safety and childhood, are you over it now? I just wanted you to get over it so we can be adults now." THAT right there is a heavy duty projection that we get from our parents, and as adults continuing to try to heal in our own adult lives. It goes very deep and requires tons of time and compassion! It takes patience but take heart, because we're not ultimately trying to tell them "stop needing secure attachment," we're just trying to become the trustworthy "guides" into secure attachment styles for those exiled parts; once we do, we're guiding them to MORE external attachments, not less. It's a very very subtle messaging they've had to internalize, they're scared of it. There are parts of us too that will retraumatize those exiles, saying "you don't need your parents, stop it, you only need me now as your inner parent." But when you hear that, pause and examine, because that itself comes from another part! Society wants us to be self-reliant in extreme ways that are then called "normal"... its not true, we cannot be strictly self-reliant. We are interdependent, period. It's just that after developmental trauma, those exiles are SO terrified, that they need us (the people those parts live in) to be the first ones to meet them, soothe them, be patient with their fear, and begin to guide them into trusting others, which is necessary for interdependent relationships. They may not be ready right this moment to trust others, but that doesn't mean we're not worthy of relying on loved ones - yes, even sometimes rely on other adults to help soothe our inner children when it becomes overwhelming. But the parts of you that think this means "I only have me now as secure attachment" have also been traumatized into that belief system. They need patience and time, too.
Great therapy, but I got the most unethical therapist, he was a level 3 IFS therapist, Danny D, from Philadelphia, a romancing, sexually exploiting, drugged me, hypnotized me, texting constantly to make him feel good with fantasies, said he loved me. wanting me to always let h know I loved him. Sex sessions on the floor behind locked door. true loving feelings. how did this help all my traumatized childhood abuse. I have even more exiled part's now. And, will never get the real IFS therapy because Danny D. ruined and destroyed my soul. your great Richard, that therapist was horrifically destructive
I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you can find trustworthy people to help you heal. That therapists is abusive and really needs to be reported. He may be damaging more people. Nothing about what he did was okay and you deserve to work with a safe therapist. Maybe try a woman.
I believe the "self" is truly and authentically the life God Himself breathed into us. It was made by Love (God IS Love) and for Love. It knows its Creator and longs to for Him (aka Love). No matter what ideas we formed thru abuse or lies that we were mistakes. The very hands of Love formed us and our spirit (or "true self) knows it and is untouched by the evilness of this world.
I'm an IFS practitioner in training, and I've had great results with people with alters. You have a Self too, and it is compassionate and accepting. Self-hating dialogue is what might exist between the parts of your inner family, but Self transcends them.
It probably feels like your exile(s) will be utterly helpless without alters, my friend. Alters are helpful and adaptive in so many untenable situations. Your alters (parts burdened by introjected burdens from those persons who forced us to take upon ourselves their disowned crapola) are doing battle with each other because that feels MUCH safer than battling the abusive/neglectful/oppressive adults you may have dealt with as a child. Good for you for getting through and out of that war zone! Now the next step is to get help seeing the gifts/strengths/burdens of each of your Team of Rivals, so, just as Abe Lincoln did with his, you can unite them to help you towards the life you want going forward! You and your amazing parts (alters) will end up united and miraculously reborn!
It sounds like there is a Part of you that has seen the battle and war between these alters, and is sick and tired of it. Good news is Dr Shwartz (and I have seen it for myself as well) says there is a Self underneath all the parts. And that Self is accepting of ALL your parts. It wont take sides. It will love and accept every part and opposing part. What you can do is tap into Self and let your Self heal the battling parts. Your Self is extremely creative at fixing problems and is so compassionate that it can put ALL your parts at ease. Dont give up on IFS. Keep researching and you will find a way :)
Time & practice. Like learning a difficult piano piece. Or any art... The brain needs to develop psychological capacity... That's why we practice skills, & it can sometimes feel anywhere from hokey to 100% disagreeable at first. But we have to have faith in the process of change - genuine change takes time. It's a slow process. There's resistance. It isn't painfree to work through pain. But with time. If you can look back on the past, can you think of anything you've worked to develop that you've seen gradual progress?? It takes self-discipline (another learned skill - it's ok if it's fleeting at first, nobody expects perfection)... Don't judge yourself. Just think: are you wishing your alters were less contradictory to eachother? And then work on bridging that gap. Communication... Empathy. Consideration. Evolving of perspective. Consistency (or, trying to establish more consistency when you can). And: TIME.
@@shrbnjm I have D.I.D with over 200 parts and this is what we are practicing and yes, there is a true self under all of the trauma that wasn't touched by all of the extreme abuse we experienced.
@@Andrew-yw6kt I have questions regarding mental and spiritual health. I do want to believe and trust that God will do what he says-renew my mind. Yet have questions because the brain is like any other organ-when ill we seek for solutions, whether it be medicine surgery etc. if I had diabetes I would seek medical intervention, so is learning about the latest evidenced based ‘interventions’ for traumatic brain issues the same? I am rather new to learning about how trauma affects the brain and I have to say it makes much more sense to me than anything I have thus learned about mental health theories and interventions. What I do believe is there is such a dramatic increase in brain issues-inside AND outside the church-with this truth I have to ask myself what is it we are ALL doing wrong. I could go on and on, but what does make me feel uneasy spiritually and mentally is when is see ALL wanting to stay ‘behind closed doors’ live in darkness with their shame, guilt and suffering. It is usually dark behind closed doors, none of us will ever heal-believers and non believers-if we live in the dark! My prayer that all will let the light in-for me that is the light of Christ and prayerfully learn from others, who’s life’s work is to help others. 🙏❤️🌸
![[ TEASER ] เงาะป่า - วงL.กฮ. | TMG RECORD](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/M4ObdFfcPww/mqdefault.jpg)
A part of me is amazed. A part of me is grateful. A part of me is filled with hope!
At 66 years of age, and years of struggling with my emotions, I have finally found this method of healing I first found Dr. Gabor Mate. These two are now collaborating, which is just awesome!
There's nothing like IFS. And once you get into legacy and unattached burdens, the healing that can be facilitated knows no bounds.
Powerful stuff. I've found that writing it out--putting my parts on paper--is helpful in really distinguishing and understanding them.
Ive found integrating EMDR with IFS is incredibly healing snd effective, and over time creates secure attachment to Self!🤗
Hey Harriet! I'd love to know how you go about integrating EMDR and IFS. I have experience with both, but separately. Thank you!
@@SophiaClarissa Hi Sophia, as I was asking clients to focus on traumatic incidents during EMDR, I would often notice they would not be able to access the memory beyond the sliver of what they consciously remembered and were almost stuck, so I would ask if the adult Self could be there with the younger “part” to hug, console or take care of the part immediately following the traumatic incident. This seemed to allow the younger part to unblend, release emotions and be unburdened of the shame or other negative self judgments which came with the trauma. Afterwards, once the incident was reprocessed, the unblended/unburdened young part seemed to be more easily integrated and no longer triggered.😊
@@harrietthespy2119 thank you for explaining, I appreciate you!
@@SophiaClarissa 🤗
So grateful for this man!
Thank you, Dr. Schwartz! Your work is an amazing help for so many of us!👏🏽👏🏿👏👏🏻👏🏾
Hi Harriet 👋 I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
So beautiful and deeply inspiring!
Brilliant! Thank you 🙏
Right on the spot
Thank you :)
I like the quick and clear way of this video, thank you.
A 'part' of me is very skeptical 🧐...but I sure hope he's right🙏
Perfect words and timing ✨
50 today exiled 29yes from my son and grandchildren myself and family For basically nothing we never did anything but live it Emotionally been alone so long no desire being around anyone they leave or easier to tell you go away it's beyond hurt but made me stronger go as I have to God bless everyone else going through this
Sending care ❤
This is exactly how my Self interacts with my exile. Very good self-psychology technique.
I wonder as I'm listening, that connecting me to myself as the secure attachment figure sounds useful but I notice a feeling arising, a sense of frustration and retraumatising - I never had a competent trustworthy parent and had to parent my parents, so as a child I never experienced a caring, nurturing, compassionate parent-child relationship. What Richard is saying feels like it's missing that developmental piece for me and I feel some shame arising when I consider my dependence on my therapist, when all I really want to do is to allow myself to feel his care and compassion and the sense of trust and safety therein, but then I circle back aound to shame, telling myself that I shouldn't be wanting that from my therapist, I must rely on myself for it. There is a lot about IFS that I like, I am recovering exiled parts in my own therapy experience and IFS really offers a model and a language that makes sense of my experience. I don't want to be reliant forever on my therapist, the dependence is actually beginning to shift with the experience of earnt secure attachment and trusting that there is a secure base to return to, created within our therapeutic relationship.
I wonder if this focus on creating the client's own good internal parent/internal attachment figure feels like re-abandonment for me. I also wonder if it is bypassing an important developmental stage....focussing on the internal attachment and reducing the role of the external attachment process, is that not an important part of a developing human being for knowing how to be in an interdependent as well as intradependent relationships? I am a big fan of IFS but I'm just left curious and wondering about this aspect....it has stirred up something in me, obviously showing me something about my early childhood wounding. I still have a lot to learn and to heal. Thanks Richard for the great work you're doing in developing this field
After interpersonally re-wounding experiences with therapists at DBT and EMDR therapy (never attempted ifs)
I looked into developmental trauma.
Found a psychotherapist who deals specifically with developmental therapy , attachment , early losses & adoption .
I highly suggest for people with high ACES to look at developmental trauma therapists.
I’ve only had one session with her but already don’t know how to even accept her warmth and care. Hoping she understands I’m not being flakey & it goes well.
Hey, it's been a year and idk if you feel differently on this, but I too have had and still deal with a similar issue. What helped me: telling these deeper exiled parts that they DID NEED a parent to take care of them, and they STILL NEED one. But I explain to them that the parents they needed were only ever supposed to be there to fill them with so much love that it would spill over, turn them into adults some day, and then they'd be adults with overflowing love to give and receive without needing parenting anymore. That makes these parts in me EXTREMELY sad, but their sadness (their grief!!) is what actually needs to be witnessed!! They'll only trust us with witnessing that sadness as long as they can be confident we won't turn around and say "good, you cried about losing your innocence and safety and childhood, are you over it now? I just wanted you to get over it so we can be adults now." THAT right there is a heavy duty projection that we get from our parents, and as adults continuing to try to heal in our own adult lives. It goes very deep and requires tons of time and compassion! It takes patience but take heart, because we're not ultimately trying to tell them "stop needing secure attachment," we're just trying to become the trustworthy "guides" into secure attachment styles for those exiled parts; once we do, we're guiding them to MORE external attachments, not less. It's a very very subtle messaging they've had to internalize, they're scared of it. There are parts of us too that will retraumatize those exiles, saying "you don't need your parents, stop it, you only need me now as your inner parent." But when you hear that, pause and examine, because that itself comes from another part! Society wants us to be self-reliant in extreme ways that are then called "normal"... its not true, we cannot be strictly self-reliant. We are interdependent, period. It's just that after developmental trauma, those exiles are SO terrified, that they need us (the people those parts live in) to be the first ones to meet them, soothe them, be patient with their fear, and begin to guide them into trusting others, which is necessary for interdependent relationships. They may not be ready right this moment to trust others, but that doesn't mean we're not worthy of relying on loved ones - yes, even sometimes rely on other adults to help soothe our inner children when it becomes overwhelming. But the parts of you that think this means "I only have me now as secure attachment" have also been traumatized into that belief system. They need patience and time, too.
rather than their spouse
IFS is so intuitively right, that it's got to be right.
Great therapy, but I got the most unethical therapist, he was a level 3 IFS therapist, Danny D, from Philadelphia, a romancing, sexually exploiting, drugged me, hypnotized me, texting constantly to make him feel good with fantasies, said he loved me. wanting me to always let h know I loved him. Sex sessions on the floor behind locked door. true loving feelings. how did this help all my traumatized childhood abuse. I have even more exiled part's now. And, will never get the real IFS therapy because Danny D. ruined and destroyed my soul.
your great Richard, that therapist was horrifically destructive
0:53 "rather than themselves"
I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you can find trustworthy people to help you heal. That therapists is abusive and really needs to be reported. He may be damaging more people. Nothing about what he did was okay and you deserve to work with a safe therapist. Maybe try a woman.
You're not going to a therapist you're going to a psychopath. Report him immediately.
@kim Spetzer are you talking about Danny Deutsch, MS, LMFT?
Report his creepy ass. Your voice will be heard!
I believe the "self" is truly and authentically the life God Himself breathed into us. It was made by Love (God IS Love) and for Love. It knows its Creator and longs to for Him (aka Love). No matter what ideas we formed thru abuse or lies that we were mistakes. The very hands of Love formed us and our spirit (or "true self) knows it and is untouched by the evilness of this world.
Goodluck with that, cause as far as my alters and I are concerned, we hate each other and don't ever intend to change that, till death do us part.
I'm an IFS practitioner in training, and I've had great results with people with alters. You have a Self too, and it is compassionate and accepting. Self-hating dialogue is what might exist between the parts of your inner family, but Self transcends them.
It probably feels like your exile(s) will be utterly helpless without alters, my friend. Alters are helpful and adaptive in so many untenable situations. Your alters (parts burdened by introjected burdens from those persons who forced us to take upon ourselves their disowned crapola) are doing battle with each other because that feels MUCH safer than battling the abusive/neglectful/oppressive adults you may have dealt with as a child. Good for you for getting through and out of that war zone! Now the next step is to get help seeing the gifts/strengths/burdens of each of your Team of Rivals, so, just as Abe Lincoln did with his, you can unite them to help you towards the life you want going forward! You and your amazing parts (alters) will end up united and miraculously reborn!
It sounds like there is a Part of you that has seen the battle and war between these alters, and is sick and tired of it.
Good news is Dr Shwartz (and I have seen it for myself as well) says there is a Self underneath all the parts. And that Self is accepting of ALL your parts. It wont take sides. It will love and accept every part and opposing part. What you can do is tap into Self and let your Self heal the battling parts. Your Self is extremely creative at fixing problems and is so compassionate that it can put ALL your parts at ease. Dont give up on IFS. Keep researching and you will find a way :)
Time & practice. Like learning a difficult piano piece. Or any art... The brain needs to develop psychological capacity... That's why we practice skills, & it can sometimes feel anywhere from hokey to 100% disagreeable at first. But we have to have faith in the process of change - genuine change takes time. It's a slow process. There's resistance. It isn't painfree to work through pain.
But with time. If you can look back on the past, can you think of anything you've worked to develop that you've seen gradual progress?? It takes self-discipline (another learned skill - it's ok if it's fleeting at first, nobody expects perfection)...
Don't judge yourself. Just think: are you wishing your alters were less contradictory to eachother? And then work on bridging that gap. Communication... Empathy. Consideration. Evolving of perspective. Consistency (or, trying to establish more consistency when you can). And: TIME.
@@shrbnjm I have D.I.D with over 200 parts and this is what we are practicing and yes, there is a true self under all of the trauma that wasn't touched by all of the extreme abuse we experienced.
Nice .. very similar to eastern christian orthodox Psyschotherapy
@@nikiforosmamassis5869 yeah, in what way?
How so?
I'm Orthodox and am trying to see the similarities in real Christianity
@@bartlevenson7851 I wonder if this is accurate in a Christian understanding
@@Andrew-yw6kt I have questions regarding mental and spiritual health. I do want to believe and trust that God will do what he says-renew my mind.
Yet have questions because the brain is like any other organ-when ill we seek for solutions, whether it be medicine surgery etc. if I had diabetes I would seek medical intervention, so is learning about the latest evidenced based ‘interventions’ for traumatic brain issues the same? I am rather new to learning about how trauma affects the brain and I have to say it makes much more sense to me than anything I have thus learned about mental health theories and interventions. What I do believe is there is such a dramatic increase in brain issues-inside AND outside the church-with this truth I have to ask myself what is it we are ALL doing wrong.
I could go on and on, but what does make me feel uneasy spiritually and mentally is when is see ALL wanting to stay ‘behind closed doors’ live in darkness with their shame, guilt and suffering. It is usually dark behind closed doors, none of us will ever heal-believers and non believers-if we live in the dark!
My prayer that all will let the light in-for me that is the light of Christ and prayerfully learn from others, who’s life’s work is to help others. 🙏❤️🌸