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Who is #EckCentrick? I wrote this when I started Writing songs, I never felt it was the right time Growing up with a Narcissist as a parent, I've learned it is never the right time to express who you are what made you...YOU You have all given me the confidence Thank You I hope that you can connect with this & it brings you some peace Full track th-cam.com/video/qXS9-bIvcgY/w-d-xo.html
We often mirror our parents behaviour. As a son of a terrible father, being a good father myself is a constant challenge, I had to unlearn the art of shouting at anything and everything.
im not a parent, but my dad shouts at everything too and i am afraid to end up like that. Sometimes i find myself yelling at my siblings because thats the way i grew up
@@TheStoneymoses Really? What if the hypothetical mother were bad, did not provide enough food, put you on the street to be a beggar, or sexually exploited you?
The problem is that the people who shouldn't become parents are the ones who do because they aren't thoughtful enough to consider this, and the people who don't become parents due to this line of thinking ironically would have been better parents than the ones who blindly stumble into parenting. We should adopt children more often.
@@alexleung842 Adoption can be ridiculously expensive for some reason, costs around $50,000 on average last time I checked. That's a down payment on a nice house right there. Talk about a high barrier to getting kids in need a home.
Yep, you cannot be by your own in misery! The sad part of this people is that by doing so they choose to make themselves even more miserable, which is quite pathetic considerig they had a chance to make things better.
The more I think about it… the more I think this applies to my mom. Not a very comforting thought… she never took us to learn how to drive, or even taught us. Wouldn’t take me to get birth control when she knew I was having sex with my boyfriend. Told me I had to drop out of college and I could “go back when my kids were bigger”. She didn’t give me any of the tools to survive. When I ask her for advice (not often anymore) she simply says “You get up and do it. You shouldn’t even have to think about it.”
My parents did that too me but I stood my ground and fought for my future and continued chasing my dreams and today I work in finance and am quite well of, in my mid 20s.
I think it would be better to listen to what a child needs than treating them the way you wanted to be treated. They might have different needs than you had. 🤔
It amazes me when I hear/read that child-free people are "selfish". For the reasons detailed in this video, not having children can be the most selfless, caring thing a person can possibly do. My childhood was so traumatic, terrifying, and lonely that I literally don't remember 90% of it. I always knew that I would not have children because I knew I had nothing to give them.
There is a TSOL episode that makes precisely your point (not having children can be the most selfless, caring thing a person can do). They suggest it can come from a deep self knowledge of their own shortcomings. But it can also come from an honest look around. My sexual prime (Reagan/Bush era) was spent during a time when the US was clearly headed towards precisely where is has arrived. No way was I bringing a child into this living Hell. Plenty of children out there to whom we can donate our love and time. As for ''today'', I simply CAN NOT imagine rationally ''deciding'' to have a child in 2022.
Raising a child is one of the most fulfilling things you can do, the problem is that a lot of people don't look at it that way and just think of it as another box to tick on their path of life.
@@sorenkair Then you have promiscuity which is simply the oversight of sex's purpose so the act is romanticized and disconnected from it's purpose or possible outcomes. Sending people into the world blindly is how this world operates.
I have never heard anyone say that kids are the meaning of life although I believe that statement isn't wrong for most... Belonging to a group or a family is very important to humans. We're social creatures. We need a group that we can feel we belong to. One could say family is the meaning of life. W/e family means to you.
That’s interesting, I’ve never met a person who thinks that everyone should have kids. I do now believe they exist, but that’s crazy. You’re are right those ppl have absolutely been “tricked” in their thinking.
If you cannot provide for the basic emotional and equally, financial necessities that come with bringing another human into this world, you should not do it. It is not their responsibility to right your wrongs. And really, bringing a child into the world just accentuates those wrongs even further.
It would require great introspection for people who are incapable of that & want children for all the wrong reasons. Also, world is populated by unplanned parenthood.
Unfortunately, the people with enough sense to avoid having children would probably still be better parents then the people who have children without even thinking about it.
@@tgypoi If people thought to think and examine the cost (investment of time, emotions, money, etc) that goes into raising and nurturing a child , none of us would be here. Procreation of humans would cease and all the animals would roam in peace.
i don't understand how some people have the audacity to bring children into this world, and then claim "you're so lucky to have an education, have food on your plate and have a roof over your house!" like, wow congrats on providing the very, most basic essentials of being a parent
My parents were far from perfect but I'm very fortunate that their atrocious childhoods led them to want my brother and I to have the childhood they never had. I'll be the first person in my entire family to graduate with a 4-year degree thanks to my parents breaking their backs their entire lives to escape poverty and bless me and my brother with every need and most wants we've ever had
This is lovely, Josh. I think other parents do the same to provide materially for their children what they didn't have. But often they are unaware of the emotional needs that they just cannot meet. It may not have been the case for you, but for many they are seen as 'ungrateful' for having their material needs met but still feeling lost or disconnected due to emotional neglect.
Surviving is all I'm doing. Still stuck on the road to nowhere. 45yr now, always dreamt of a surrogate father or someone who could teach me something and was kind but it never happened. Can't get out, no one will hire me, small town full of a-holes. No money to be had to get out.
@@haziqi3517 If anything, envy is taught to kids by dysfunctional adults. The golden child gets the love and is spoiled with gadgets, the black sheep are spit on and ridiculed for other peoples faults. Parents who are cruel compare their kids to other kids who have more, and mock their own offspring. Envy is a very nasty and powerful emotion, and sick parents use it to set their own kids against each other, so they can manipulate behavior and have mini punching bags to vomit their own built up resentment onto. Envy, fear and self hatred are taught by sick parents, and I would argue are taught in todays worthless and backward school systems. Confidence, love and resilience are taught by mature parents. But in this world, thats an ideal, unfortunately.
JAJAJ yeah its that simple. There are a million reasons for bad parenting. This video and this channel are very reductionist. They are speaking opinions like there were facts. Show me a well done study that backs these hypotesis.
Not only that, but it's shocking how little training you get when you want to become a parent. Having a child is the hardest thing I've ever done and I didn't get taught anything. I either had to figure it out for myself or think back to how my own parents raised me. It's quite scary how anyone can just have a child, as it is a huge responsibility and some people may not be up to the challenge or need some insight.
Its important to do your trauma healing before having a child, because these issues can bubble up and challenge even the best of us. For some of us, its better to not have children and there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we have been through so much trauma, that we don't have any more emotional capacity to give and we need what is left to sustain a normal life.
Not really if you want children just make sure your financial stable and don't treat them like your parents did and also teach them yiy can discipline them just do it in the right way
Agreed, an ever-deepening self-awareness is more important than anything else when considering a child, you can say you won't be like your parents, but without complete awareness of their echoing trauma you subconsciously will in one way or another.
My mother abandoned me so I was my own imaginary mother as a child. Now as a mother I would say I’m a pretty great one, thankfully. I give her every hug and attention I wish I got
@Maria Malhotra...This speaks childhood. Have you ever asked your Dad why he responds in that manner? Maybe it's a deeply imbedded childhood response. Maybe he was never made to feel OK about sharing feelings, care, or concern And now older and more settled he can't shake it. Distrust as you may be aware can lead to this. Not that he distrust you but maybe distrust what being vulnerable means for him.
It is not like I'm stereotyping but I believe many Indian parents(I guess u r an Indian) have some or the other issue. And the sad thing is it gets passed on to the next generation.
@@atiyarise4131 I have really tried to reach him. My mother is a narcissist and this has worsened everyone's mental health. I am recovering slowly but I have no children to say I've been more healthy towards.
@@lonewolf09101 You are stereotyping. In fact, parents in non industrialised cultures ( I hate the term First World, Third World etc) are more nurturing, present and committed. On the whole.
That’s so sad to hear. But remember you are worthy of love nonetheless!! Now you have grown older so that you can take charge of your own life and mental wellness. Send you lots of love xxx
My parents never celebrated my birthday (except maybe when i was born) never remember any parties or gifts whatsoever. But they are v hard working and make sure i go to uni so i can have better education for better futurey
Could it be possible they did celebrate your b-days? But in a different way you wanted it. It is not what happened (or didn't happen) it is how we live it, and perhaps, how we remember. I wish you can celebrate every birthday in a wonderful way, and better yet, make someone else's birthday a beautiful one.
My grandmother ( who unwillingly raised me) would say you don’t deserve these presents but I got them for your anyway. Then she stopped celebrating at age 15 when she gave me over the counter pimple medication for my birthday and I burst into tears. She ruined birthdays for me forever.
Im always afraid of ending up like the people in my family because of how they act and think. I wanna take their behavior and use it as reference of who NOT to be, but I'm afraid that being around them this long has normalized their behavior.
Yes, I realized tha once you are around them long, no matter how much you tell yourself '' I will not be like this, I will not be like this, I will not be like this '', most of the time you end up doing the same things.
First step is awareness, second step is living intentionally and mindfully. Having awareness of your thought and behavior patterns. Third step, using that to make changes and stick with them you can do it. Look into CBT and workbooks if you can't get a therapist to help on your journey
Suffering is inevitable. Plenty of people who had great parents still had to endure horrible trauma and hardship. The only way to ensure that your children will never have to face tremendous amounts of suffering is to never have biological children to begin with.
@@iamwhoyousayiam6773 Bruh, some children are molested by their own parents. Most severe traumas don’t make a person stronger, unfortunately. They usually end up passing on their pain onto some innocent victim. But I’m glad your pain made you stronger for it
More than everything in my life, I hope that I become a great father. My father wasn't... a good one, let's say. And my mother oftentimes was absent. I cannot and refuse to become like them. There is not a thing as "too much love" as my father loves to state. He is just wrong, love is everything.
Depends on how healthy the love is. Oftentimes people overprotect (coddle) or spoil their children, enable them, either making them weak fragile adults with lots of psychological issues, or tyrannical entitled monsters who can't self reflect and who also have lots of psychological issues, or very naive and sheltered idiots who think life is all sunshine and rainbows, which we see a lot of nowadays in colleges and universities. "Lots of love" is a very vague, unqualitative metric. Jordan Peterson presents this case more thoroughly on the overprotected child.
I know you'll be a great parent. I think the quality of a good parent is that they know they'll mess up but they keep learning on how to be better parents and companions for their kids. They continue to grow as parents and as people same as their child.
First reason: Something so bad occurred in their own childhood they subconsciously refuse to go back there again to connect with their child. Second reason: They're secretly jealous their child might have a better life than they did, so they unconsciously try to make sure that won't happen.
This literally opened my eyes !! My dad had a very rough childhood. When i was born he was not rich, after me being born he bacame rich and guess wat, he lost all money deliberately. Right when he got lucky. Nvr spent money on me. And being such an abusive father. Now i can totally understand. Thank u for opening up my eyes. He even said this to a friend on call that if my children get money easily they wont do the hardwork.
@@meharbachani7012 "I don't want my daughters growing up entitled and spoiled. And I agree with my father - you give your children enough money to do something but not enough to do nothing." -🎬 from 'The Descendants' (2011)
@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 but he dint give me nothing. He lost all money deliberately. Moreover my mother married a poor man. My dad was poor when my mom married him. But when i was born he became rich. So ultimately i was born as a lucky charm for him. And also, not all rich kids are spoilt.
My grandparents were emotionally neglectful of my parents. My parents were emotionally neglectful of my sibling and me. I know it even more as an adult, what an emotionally healthy family is like. Yet I will never have children. I may adopt or foster one day, but never will I try to have children on my own.
If you would never have biological children because you feel you wouldn't be a good parent, why would you adopt or foster then? Or am I misunderstanding.
I have been an adult for a long time now and I still get tears welling up in my eyes when I think or talk about my childhood. I don't ever want my child to experience what I did
My parents were and are not good role models. They would know something is upsetting and toxic and do it in our face more to upset us for no reason. They also pushed me back a grade when I passed all my classes and got even A’s in English. Disgusting.
The envy is very true indeed.The envy of my mother towards me hit me like a train since I grew up an I started feeling better.I would have never tought it would be like this.For context I am 23 and she is 44.
Same here .. and I am 35 and she is 60 . She had everything she has from my dad and stole anything she can which will be destined to me all the time . And I came from a wealthy family but you can't imagine the greed and punishment my my mother put me trought all my life .
But that´s insane, jealous of your own child. Usually people see their child as an extension of themselves. How can you be envious of a child, a son or daughter that´s a part of you? I think this has everything to do with self hatred
@@sanmc5888 in my case because my mum had me just to be guaranteed of a month allowance and didn't care at all to be a mother and she is not capable of love towards herself , as you mention , or others . She has obstacled/mistreated me in every possible way , not giving me food when I was little , criticizing me all the way .. to the point I was so unsecure that at 30 I could not go out to a restaurant with my own money because she was controlling and I allowed here probably hoping for some approval .
@@sanmc5888 a child shouldn't be even looked as an extension of its parents, in my opinion. Born from them yes, but ultimately, the child is it's own person who will cultivate their own path. The child being an extension of the parent is just another form of narcissism that parents refuse to acknowledge and explore.
Envy was precisely my mom’s problem. I could tell she wanted to be better than her mom, at times, but her envy would always win. Even with me being a 30-something, she will still say nasty envious things to me. I have to remind myself this is her trauma and has little to actually do with me.
An ever-deepening self-awareness is more important than anything else when considering a child, you can say you won't be like your parents, but without complete awareness of their generationally echoing trauma, you will subconsciously imitate them in one way or another.
@@cityseabird it’s a choice. We live in the golden age of information where there are tens of thousands of resources on these matters, ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse.
padarousou - such compassion you show there, I can clearly see which 'choice' you've made. Let's say that what you're saying is true and the only thing stopping people from being 'good' parents is their choice to ignore the, let's be honest, overwhelming and often contradictory information out there, what about those who don't have access, can't read, weren't equipped with the capabilities to make 'good' choices? Life is not a level playing field but you're 'choosing' to ignore that for whatever unforgiving voice in your head is telling you that people are all born with equal chances and it's their own fault if they fuck it up.
@@cityseabird the single factor that determines whether or not someone will live a good life above all else is good parents. With that in mind, it should be the clear priority of any parent to be the best they can for their child and I have no empathy for those who choose to bring a child in this world only to abandon, abuse, or neglect them and then plead ignorance that they didn’t know any better once it’s too late.
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Pretty sure my parents decided that if bad parenting was a list, they were on a mission to cross off every single item. Also, there's nothing wrong with not having kids to not pass on the trauma.
@@Nokss87 It's possible. Connecting with young children and mothering children are two different feats. She mentioned she doesn't remember the joys of being a child. This can be read many ways. Maybe she can't remember the joys because there's a level of trauma that has kept her from remembering or maybe her childhood was just that tattered and her subconscious defense mechanism is to stop whatever the offense was/is with her.
Allowing your kids to be stuck on themselves total failure as a person total failure... My grandad taught me to be respectful and polite in public while being totally hands off
This video hits a little too close to home. Being raised by physically and emotionally distant parents really fucks you up. Especially if the parents, on the surface, seem like decent people because the child can’t pick up on the fact the parents are actually terrible. I couldn’t figure it out until I was 24 with no friends and never being in a relationship. But that took a lot of self-reflection. And even then, I still didn’t realize the role my parents played until it was pointed out to me. Prior to that you just blame everything on yourself, your head is filled to the brim with noise and the only real emotions I felt for as long as I could remember were anger, sadness, and confusion. I’ve missed out on a lot in life and it’ll definitely be a challenge to raise a child without any knowledge of what a good parent looks like, but I will take time to learn beforehand.
I processed being the family scapegoat of narcissistic parents at 39. After that, I was able to keep them at a very safe distance. Thanks to Covid I haven't seen them in 15 months and don't care if I ever do again. Every week of No Contact brings new healing.
Dear DarkRed, please be aware that each time you lovingly look after yourself and make your life happier and healthier, the people on this site are sending you love and encouragement.
@@mariamalhotra8228 Being away from your family sounds great. Spend time with good people and enjoy your life in healthy ways. I hope all goes well for you.
@@kintsugi2262 When we look back over the 20th century, it's no wonder that we are traumatized. There were 2 World Wars and also the Spanish flu was an epidemic which killed more people than the two World Wars together. No wonder our parents and grandparents were stressed to the limit. Let's include a little kindness to ourselves and to others in every day of our lives. We never know what others have been through.
The people who deliberatly hurt their children for the most are narcissists.Many people have had deprived childhood but do not turn into tormentors of their own children,in fact many become empaths and firmly decide they will never treat their chidren as they were treated themselves.
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I ended a relationship because I realized that even if we wanted to be together... we would have been the worse parents in the world. Each had so much issues in exactly in these two aspects! its freaky how this video made it land. I think I made the right choice and I hope I can get over mine and find a partner that at least wants to work on theirs and not deny it all the time
Something tells me that the whole point of this video was to overcomplicate parenting and discourage people from having kids. Do you really think the 3.5 billion years of life that is your ancestors thought about messing up?
Everyone is going to mess up. We’re not God, but we’re supposed to at the very least continue to try to love others as God loves. Anyone saying they’re perfect enough isn’t! And in saying so, they are in more danger of ‘’messing up’’…royally. It’s often in our imperfection that we learn. That’s the only thing you have to worry about when it comes to messing up-not striving to love well. In loving well, one must learn to forgive. Sons and daughters must also learn to forgive. You forgive your friends, don’t you? Do you forgive your parents? Forgiveness gets ignored these days, but that’s because it’s often mistaken for tolerance of abuse or people think it’s a trite word spoken in haste with no real internal decision and change of heart. All these are separate things, …one is healthy, the others keeps everyone in a prison of hurt. You can forgive and grow well despite any mess ups that you make or others do to you. And yes, that’s very hard of me to write because I know it’s very hard to forgive..why it’s so rare. 🙁but precious. And not to be abused.
I’m terrified of having children and ending up like my parents. I’m a teacher, and think I’m really good with children. I treat them how I wish I was treated by my teachers and parents, and always show the neglected ones extra love. I hope I could be like that with my own children too, but maybe it’s different when you’re a teacher than a parent. Please don’t let me end up like my parents.
For years I've been aware of the fact that the reason why some of my siblings and cousins always tried to beguilt me for anything and everything was because, in their eyes, I had a more fortunate childhood than they did. However, until today, I could not call it ENVY. I feel such a relief for being able to put a name on it, finally, and that it did not come from my mouth but from a group of experts. I feel so validated, finally!!!
I had a traumatic childhood, in the end, I parent the exact opposite of what I received. It was the catalyst for my own transformation. I prayed for my children that I was told I might never have. That is a reason to be a excellent mother.
Break the cycle. Many of us had neglectful or zombie-parents. I've delayed having children (I'm 45), because I wasn't ready, or I didn't have a partner who shared my values. I still don't, so the question is, should I be selfish and have a child in any case, or not bother. I know the answer.
Simple answer: they don’t care. They have a child when they shouldn’t. They have prejudices against their own child- first born of gets the scapegoat role.
Being a child of a toxic father i always hated my life... My mom too want to end up her life.... He always talk about his good things eventhough he do nothing for us... I promis to me that i will not grow up like this.
Unpopular opinion: We all should strive to be parents, that is what we generally exist and reproduce for. However, we all should strive to be _good_ parents. Not wanting to be a parent is exactly the thing that makes you be a bad parent because you haven't thought about it.
A lot of them aren't going to be good parents. If you're watching this video, you will probably fair better than most. But the bad ones won't even try.
A lot of humans are too arrogant to admit their lack of appropriate responsibility & certainly won’t take responsibility for that which is inappropriate.
We need parent licensing and we need it now; I'm sick and tired of seeing parent acquit themselves, collude together in torturing innocent creatures who weren't even there to begin with! Where are Pediatricians? What have Psychologists been doing so far? What have social workers in mind to fix the problem? Children are just left to grieve their destiny.
I work in pediatrics. Unfortunately most of our reports fall on deaf ears. There are so many kids I'd love to take into my own home. The "parents" don't love or even like them, they own them. Treated like property that brings in welfare money each month. I truly think there should be a license to parent.
@@foxbyte0157 Yes, a license needed in order to become a parent; it is not a new concept though it has never been applied as far as I know. Life that has been treated bad feels a strong pull to becoming bad, we shouldn't toy with life! Parents do all the time.
@@Francesco_M. I used to agree with with idea but after the past 2 years I don’t trust the government with the power they already gave, let alone letting them decide who can breed and who can’t. If it was enacted it would be wide open to abuse and would be completely unenforceable without extreme draconian measures
@@sdrawkcabUK I wouldn't let any government get near the power to enforce such schemes; It must be like what has happened during the last Covid pandemic, it is the M.D.'s and the scientist of the world that has to come together, elaborate a plan and address the public as to what is to be done. Governments are there just to receive the informations and proceed to legislate, not to put their own warped minds to it. There goes my thinking at least.
As a child not being showered with the love you deserve is more shattering than anything. Not everyone has the same loving parents and had to face all their mood swings, abuse, expectation yet not very successful, and dragging down to their misery is very traumatic. But one thing, no one can rescue you, but only a friend we have in our Lord. Just look up to him and draw strength from him.
I had a terrible childhood and somehow I knew I was nor prepared to be a mother. I did not have children, BUT I see all around me those horribles parents creating pain in the next generation and I feel sad!!!
Sometimes I get jealous when I see my daughter loving and clinging to another adult besides me. It’s the broken part of me. I’ve never acted on my jealousy, I only felt it and let it turn into sadness. And I know I’m doing the right thing by allowing her to love someone other than her mommy. 😊
You sound like a loving Mum. As well as loving your daughter, find the time to love yourself. Perhaps put some lovely flowers in a vase for yourself or put on some beautiful music. Even a cup of tea that is lovingly prepared can carry a message of kindness and encouragement.
I agree with Tracesprite. I read somewhere that if we had bad childhoods, sometimes we need to mother ourselves as well, along with our children. Like if you lovingly prepare some breakfast that yiu know your kid with love, you should do the same with you, lovingly prepare something you love. Talk to your inner self with the same love you talk to your child. Also, I think you're very strong for putting your child's wellbeing ahead of your own discomfort and pain. From one mom to another, I'm proud of you.
My parents were absolutely dreadful and decided young that I would never ever ever have children as I know for a fact I too would have made a very very bad job of it. :'-(
@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 - No I'm too old now (67) and never regretted my decision - did the right the thing - too badly damaged to have been a good mother - had loads of cats instead though :-)
@@ChickpeatheTortie sometimes I’m really scared I’ll selfishly give into the pressure to have a child, your my hero, I hope I end up like you at your age
I hated my parents for not loving each other instead they fought over very little things so my software decided I will never marry to anyone .if they have loved what worsed have happened?
9/10 parents try to teach their kids what is legal vs. illegal instead of what is right vs. wrong. That is why most adults turn out only knowing consequences instead of morality. That's why everyone ends up a passive bully or active bully.
My parents were terrible. I've done everything I can to be the best mother and help my husband be the best father our daughter could ever have. I think we've done a bang up job too because we did things in the right order and had privileges not everyone has.
Parenting with severe trauma is a constant juggling act. And nowhere seems to want to help unpick trauma if you're trying to keep the kids from being hurt by it. I do not know, for the life of me, how to play with my children. I was never allowed to play as a child and it was severely punished. Trying just makes me angry, or so incredibly and obviously disinterested despite my best efforts that my children get quite upset (They're 5, 3 and 1). My 1st never wanted to be played with from the start (ASD) which helped buy me time to work out tactics. I'll cuddle with them, I'll read stories, I'll do crafts and I'll pick them up no matter how heavy to dance with them. I'll constantly be able to respond to everything they say no matter what I'm doing (Or ask for a little patience so I can when I'm done). I'll suggest to them ideas they can play themselves or with each other. But they know that Momma does not play. Their father will often start by playing with them then just play by himself not even realising they've left, on the other hand. But I learned recently that I don't HAVE to play with them with their toys etc. They don't actually need me to at all for their development. They need to know I'm there and interested. They need me to engage with them regularly. But they don't actually require for me to sit there with their toys and do a full game with them. I pretend to eat the odd bit of toy food, tuck a doll into bed etc. And that's enough. I'm doing a great job without it. A large part of parenting with trauma is to work out what they actually need from us, not just what they'd like or what we wish we were. Let go of the guilt, and just work on what we are able to do without burning the tank dry. Ultimately, the more we can keep our own shit together, the happier our children will be. Even if that means they don't get the fancy, home baked cookies every night. The bed time story every night with a cuddle is enough.
I didn't have a father and my mother hated me for my existence but I never lived with her, I lived with her parents (grandma). She hated me, accused me, insulted me. You are not alone.
This is why I waited until 28 before starting my family, and had therapy and lots of time to process all the abuse and to cut the bad people out of my life first. I'm a very loving parent to my two girls and I love giving them a better life than I had.
What is up with the fists? If they really did their best, they did. If you were parents, you would definitely end up like them regardless of whatever you are saying now.
I understand what you mean, but sometimes doing your best is not enough. Sometimes you need to ask for help, educate yourself and learn how to get better as a parent.
How to be my father: Step 1. Have a child. Step 2. AT 2 years old, give them internet with no supervision. Step 3. Work and watch TV all day. Step 4. Years pass, be mad when you're child turns out to be self-isolating, sad, doesn't want affection from adults, terminally online, acting weird, doesn't like sports and being physical, lie to you, different from other boys, traumatized of how much you and your wife/girlfriend argued infront of him for years and etc. Step 5. Try to fix things and be all cuddly and act like a good father, be mad when they don't want to involve with you. Extra notes: Ignore how succesfull your child has been comparing to other kids their age, argue violently with partner infront of them, at 6-10 years old only watch TV and ignore them.
No, that's a fiction. The School of Life is a useful site with some helpful ideas. I hope you take good care of yourself, enjoy your life and get enough sleep, exercise and healthy food.
I had a bad child hood but good parents. They tried to improve on their traumas and gave me a better life than they had. With kids now I try to improve on their parenting more but sometimes I catch myself being just like them!
Hopefully, in the future, we will all be educated enough to understand and practice these types of self awarenesses in order to continue evolving as humans and a society.
It all boils down to a character flaw in the parent to begin with. If you don’t overcome your childhood traumas because you Yourself were mistreated; it’s because you don’t have the character or empathy within you to sympathize with anyone other than yourself.
I know my parents love me ! but they make my life very harsh , at 18 I start working, and all they do is try to depend on me financially .Their mindset and mine is different, they only thought of spending the little of what we have and later asked me for more, I have tried to tell them to find ways to earn, invest the money i have given , be it small shop or small anything otherwise we’ll forever be poor ! now Im 20 and this burden wont let me live freely ! 😭
thanks for the documentary on my parents! I ended up in foster care which wasn’t much better (cashin’ those cheques amirite?) after many years in therapy, I was emotionally healthy enough to marry and have a child .. she’s thriving on our love and support .. so glad I’m leaving the world a better place than I found it ❤️
If people want others to give them empathy for their bad childhood, then people should also realise that others who had a bad childhood, no matter what age, also deserve the same empathy.
@@hissyfitz7890 Oh look I found a toxic person who's projecting and refuses to give others empathy, yet claims that the other person is a narc. Interesting.
@@bunille Just because someone deserves something does not mean they are entitled to it. A parent is not entitled to empathy from their kids. I don't like how narcissistic people are labeled and berated for something largely out of their control, but the damage they cause means fighting back is the only option. They want empathy so that they can drain you of everything that makes you human.
@@blueskiesinc And a teen is not entitled empathy from others? Or when they grow up they're apparently not allowed empathy anymore from others? It works both ways, y'know. Also, what's with this "narcissism"? Why are you all projecting it? The video is not about that and never was. Narcissists don't even want empathy, they want validation, different thing. You can realise that someone's bad and still have empathy for them... it's called empathy. Mentally sick people do bad things. Healthy people do bad things. Does bad things = no empathy for them? That's not looking good on you. What's with all of the 'I am hurt = people should give me empathy', but 'You are hurt = nobody should give you empathy' in so many entitled people?
I have to comment on this video! First, if we all waited to be emotionally and financially healthy to have kids, a LOT of people would never have kids. Most people have suffered some sort of trauma in their life, including the issues of generational pathology, and the difficulties that life itself presents - it is inevitable that we will raise kids who have some sort of problems. I’ve had a very traumatic childhood, and on top of that I’ve survived a war in Bosnia as a child so there is no doubt in my mind that I’ve transferred that trauma while my daughter was in my womb! It wasn’t intentional but I know in my soul that she has issues because I have significant issues. I’ve done my best to go to finish university, I’ve got a career, I’ve gone through various forms of therapy, I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or prostitute myself so my behaviour in that sense is not destructive. But I struggle daily with anger issues, I have CPTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, misophonia and I’m doing my hardest to create the best possible life that I can. I’m not a bad mum but I’m not the best either but God knows I’m trying to do the best possible job that I can.
As a parent I am scared to fail. All I wish for is for my kid to have a good childhood. I remember some things about my childhood so I know that little things can mean the world to a kid. This just feeds my anxiety.
If you don't want kids that's perfectly fine. But don't let fear stop you from doing something you want to do, from doing something you care about, and doing something important to you. If you ultimately want kids but are too afraid to be a "bad parent", just know that making mistakes is part of parenting and can never be avoided. What's important is that you try your best. Your self awareness is the first step to growth and being the parent you ever hope to be.
Not all people with a bad childhood become bad parents. Some of them learn what exactly not to do so their children don't go through what they did. And so no one else ends up as broken as they feel inside.
My siblings and I had an horrendous childhood of emotional and physical abuse. Our parents had traumatised childhoods themselves and were incapable of parenting compassionately. As children, my siblings and I were never encouraged to like each other and we have no contact now. From choice, none of us (we are all in our old age) had children. When I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy at age 30, I opted for an abortion. Philip Larkin's This Be The Verse spoke to me and I listened. It may sound evil to some but having an abortion was one of my finest moments - I acted unselfishly to protect a child from a life of misery.
You bravely chose to end the cycle of misery. I wonder if you could at least give each of your siblings an occasional phone call. That might be a small light in the darkness. But you will know if that's a good idea or not.
When I look at my daughter, all i see is how much happiness i want her to have thru her life and that i need to take better care so i can always be there for her. Even the though of not having her in my life makes me stop and realize that i don't know if i could go on. When I see her, i want to give her everything i didnt have in my childhood but also built on the lessons i can teach her to make her a strong, independent person. She is my beautiful gift to the world.
If you enjoy our films and want a say on what ones we make you can now become a channel member here: th-cam.com/channels/7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog.htmljoin
No link to the Connect card game? Please post link.
Is there any way i can submit subtitles in my language (indonesia) to your videos?
Who is #EckCentrick?
I wrote this when I started Writing songs, I never felt it was the right time
Growing up with a Narcissist as a parent,
I've learned it is never the right time to express who you are
what made you...YOU
You have all given me the confidence
Thank You
I hope that you can connect with this & it brings you some peace
Full track
th-cam.com/video/qXS9-bIvcgY/w-d-xo.html
pls expand this knowledge with the same videos in spanish language!
We often mirror our parents behaviour. As a son of a terrible father, being a good father myself is a constant challenge, I had to unlearn the art of shouting at anything and everything.
I actually step back and think, "What would my parents do in this situation?" Then I have to do the opposite.
Gotta remember to respect the little ones
🧡🤗🤗
You're a courageous, honorable man Sir.
im not a parent, but my dad shouts at everything too and i am afraid to end up like that. Sometimes i find myself yelling at my siblings because thats the way i grew up
I'd rather have no children than be a bad mother...
Bless you
I'd rather have a bad mother than not being born at all
Me too, I'd want to be the best possible parent I can be, and not a reflection on anyone else.
@@TheStoneymoses And how would you know what it feels like if you are not born at all?
@@TheStoneymoses Really? What if the hypothetical mother were bad, did not provide enough food, put you on the street to be a beggar, or sexually exploited you?
unpopular opinion: not everyone should become parents.
should be a popular opinion
The problem is that the people who shouldn't become parents are the ones who do because they aren't thoughtful enough to consider this, and the people who don't become parents due to this line of thinking ironically would have been better parents than the ones who blindly stumble into parenting.
We should adopt children more often.
@@alexleung842 Adoption can be ridiculously expensive for some reason, costs around $50,000 on average last time I checked. That's a down payment on a nice house right there. Talk about a high barrier to getting kids in need a home.
that, my friend, is a fact.
@@Jasta85 having kids in general is expensive...giving birth in an american hospital is pricey 😭
I think parents that envy their children are the worst. They sabotage their children’s future.
Yep, you cannot be by your own in misery! The sad part of this people is that by doing so they choose to make themselves even more miserable, which is quite pathetic considerig they had a chance to make things better.
The more I think about it… the more I think this applies to my mom. Not a very comforting thought… she never took us to learn how to drive, or even taught us. Wouldn’t take me to get birth control when she knew I was having sex with my boyfriend. Told me I had to drop out of college and I could “go back when my kids were bigger”. She didn’t give me any of the tools to survive. When I ask her for advice (not often anymore) she simply says “You get up and do it. You shouldn’t even have to think about it.”
My parents did that too me but I stood my ground and fought for my future and continued chasing my dreams and today I work in finance and am quite well of, in my mid 20s.
Now i am waiting for my father to die cause after he die only i will have luck
@@wte7618 stop waiting, you can have good luck now.
Instead of treating your child like how you were treated. Treat them with the same love and attention you wanted from your parents while growing up.
How would one teach something they do not know?
this is easier said than done as it requires being self aware married with the desire to change added with the curiosity to learn.
@@hiscash personal experience is different than knowledge. If you can't manage that, maybe don't be a parent
exactly.
I think it would be better to listen to what a child needs than treating them the way you wanted to be treated. They might have different needs than you had. 🤔
The last line:
"Give our offspring the Childhood we deserve, not the childhood we had " 😢
A Calming Video on how bad parents are made th-cam.com/video/yRq2tYnpgO0/w-d-xo.html
😢
It amazes me when I hear/read that child-free people are "selfish". For the reasons detailed in this video, not having children can be the most selfless, caring thing a person can possibly do. My childhood was so traumatic, terrifying, and lonely that I literally don't remember 90% of it. I always knew that I would not have children because I knew I had nothing to give them.
Excellent ♥️
I'm sorry, I think you've become a lovely person tho, and I can tell that j from one comment.
See, and that’s not bad. You’re more self aware than 90% of people out there or lots
There is a TSOL episode that makes precisely your point (not having children can be the most selfless, caring thing a person can do). They suggest it can come from a deep self knowledge of their own shortcomings. But it can also come from an honest look around. My sexual prime (Reagan/Bush era) was spent during a time when the US was clearly headed towards precisely where is has arrived. No way was I bringing a child into this living Hell. Plenty of children out there to whom we can donate our love and time. As for ''today'', I simply CAN NOT imagine rationally ''deciding'' to have a child in 2022.
Having children is SELFISH.
ive noticed people who have been tricked into thinking everyone should have kids and that its the meaning of life, dont want to listen to this stuff.
Raising a child is one of the most fulfilling things you can do, the problem is that a lot of people don't look at it that way and just think of it as another box to tick on their path of life.
@@sorenkair Then you have promiscuity which is simply the oversight of sex's purpose so the act is romanticized and disconnected from it's purpose or possible outcomes. Sending people into the world blindly is how this world operates.
I have never heard anyone say that kids are the meaning of life although I believe that statement isn't wrong for most... Belonging to a group or a family is very important to humans. We're social creatures. We need a group that we can feel we belong to. One could say family is the meaning of life. W/e family means to you.
That’s interesting, I’ve never met a person who thinks that everyone should have kids. I do now believe they exist, but that’s crazy. You’re are right those ppl have absolutely been “tricked” in their thinking.
Also, people have been tricked into having kids later in life. Millennials are going to be all old uninterested and tired parents.
If you cannot provide for the basic emotional and equally, financial necessities that come with bringing another human into this world, you should not do it. It is not their responsibility to right your wrongs. And really, bringing a child into the world just accentuates those wrongs even further.
It would require great introspection for people who are incapable of that & want children for all the wrong reasons. Also, world is populated by unplanned parenthood.
Unfortunately, the people with enough sense to avoid having children would probably still be better parents then the people who have children without even thinking about it.
@@tgypoi So true.
@@hissyfitz7890 I imagine that parenthood is mostly unplanned both in the then and now.
@@tgypoi If people thought to think and examine the cost (investment of time, emotions, money, etc) that goes into raising and nurturing a child , none of us would be here. Procreation of humans would cease and all the animals would roam in peace.
i don't understand how some people have the audacity to bring children into this world, and then claim "you're so lucky to have an education, have food on your plate and have a roof over your house!" like, wow congrats on providing the very, most basic essentials of being a parent
I agree!!
@@gergokadar9560 Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
@@ChrisB-ki9ch that’s usually a manipulative statement that doesn’t come from a good-willed place.
Life is the GIFT that you didn't ask for.
truuuu
Children have never been good at listening to their parents but they are great at imitating them. - James Baldwin
My parents were far from perfect but I'm very fortunate that their atrocious childhoods led them to want my brother and I to have the childhood they never had. I'll be the first person in my entire family to graduate with a 4-year degree thanks to my parents breaking their backs their entire lives to escape poverty and bless me and my brother with every need and most wants we've ever had
This makes me happy 😊
That's so wonderful, Josh. I hope your life is full of happiness.
This is lovely, Josh. I think other parents do the same to provide materially for their children what they didn't have. But often they are unaware of the emotional needs that they just cannot meet. It may not have been the case for you, but for many they are seen as 'ungrateful' for having their material needs met but still feeling lost or disconnected due to emotional neglect.
@@superbettynow very true. I had my father sacrifice ' missing ' my childhood, thankfully we got 10 years to catch up from my 30 to 40.
Congrats and best wishes!!!
If you had a bad parent and you are now learning to become a better human being you are a hero and a surviver, keep going ❤️
Thank you ❤
pretty sure I'm just broken
Thanks, I needed to hear this ❤
Surviving is all I'm doing. Still stuck on the road to nowhere. 45yr now, always dreamt of a surrogate father or someone who could teach me something and was kind but it never happened. Can't get out, no one will hire me, small town full of a-holes. No money to be had to get out.
Two reasons why people end up bad parents;
1. Something in their childhood was so difficult.
2. Envy
I honestly don’t understand. Why parents could envy their children?
@@jost1101 poor mindset probably
@@haziqi3517 If anything, envy is taught to kids by dysfunctional adults. The golden child gets the love and is spoiled with gadgets, the black sheep are spit on and ridiculed for other peoples faults. Parents who are cruel compare their kids to other kids who have more, and mock their own offspring. Envy is a very nasty and powerful emotion, and sick parents use it to set their own kids against each other, so they can manipulate behavior and have mini punching bags to vomit their own built up resentment onto. Envy, fear and self hatred are taught by sick parents, and I would argue are taught in todays worthless and backward school systems. Confidence, love and resilience are taught by mature parents. But in this world, thats an ideal, unfortunately.
JAJAJ yeah its that simple. There are a million reasons for bad parenting. This video and this channel are very reductionist. They are speaking opinions like there were facts. Show me a well done study that backs these hypotesis.
turn off comments
It's heartbreaking that some people end up parents, yet they can't handle the responsibility that comes with rearing children.
And then keep having children on top of that...
Exactly...becoming a father is easy but being called as father is difficult
Same to me. I had a very, very narcissistic mother.
What I've learned is that everyone is shit and theres nothing I can do about it
Not only that, but it's shocking how little training you get when you want to become a parent. Having a child is the hardest thing I've ever done and I didn't get taught anything. I either had to figure it out for myself or think back to how my own parents raised me. It's quite scary how anyone can just have a child, as it is a huge responsibility and some people may not be up to the challenge or need some insight.
Its important to do your trauma healing before having a child, because these issues can bubble up and challenge even the best of us. For some of us, its better to not have children and there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we have been through so much trauma, that we don't have any more emotional capacity to give and we need what is left to sustain a normal life.
Not really if you want children just make sure your financial stable and don't treat them like your parents did and also teach them yiy can discipline them just do it in the right way
Agree!
Agreed, an ever-deepening self-awareness is more important than anything else when considering a child, you can say you won't be like your parents, but without complete awareness of their echoing trauma you subconsciously will in one way or another.
@@KevlarKoat Well said
Unfortunately I don’t that that’s a sacrifice most people are willing to make
My mother abandoned me so I was my own imaginary mother as a child. Now as a mother I would say I’m a pretty great one, thankfully. I give her every hug and attention I wish I got
🤗 That's wonderful!
❤ Godspeed to you, Cindy Lizbeth!
Much love ❤️
I wish you the best cindy
Good job ❤️
🤗🌺
The way the father just watches the young child cry in pain is exactly my dad. Absolutely unresponsive and even a bit resentful.
@Maria Malhotra...This speaks childhood. Have you ever asked your Dad why he responds in that manner? Maybe it's a deeply imbedded childhood response. Maybe he was never made to feel OK about sharing feelings, care, or concern And now older and more settled he can't shake it. Distrust as you may be aware can lead to this. Not that he distrust you but maybe distrust what being vulnerable means for him.
It is not like I'm stereotyping but I believe many Indian parents(I guess u r an Indian) have some or the other issue. And the sad thing is it gets passed on to the next generation.
@@atiyarise4131 I have really tried to reach him. My mother is a narcissist and this has worsened everyone's mental health. I am recovering slowly but I have no children to say I've been more healthy towards.
@@lonewolf09101 You are stereotyping. In fact, parents in non industrialised cultures ( I hate the term First World, Third World etc) are more nurturing, present and committed. On the whole.
th-cam.com/video/SFldLbu6mno/w-d-xo.html
My heart already broke when my parents stopped celebrating my birthday
My childhood was sad and I envy a lot of kids.
That’s so sad to hear. But remember you are worthy of love nonetheless!! Now you have grown older so that you can take charge of your own life and mental wellness. Send you lots of love xxx
Wishing to send you a hug and a lot of love over the internet. That must really hurt 😞. I’m sorry. You deserve more than that. ❤️
My parents never celebrated my birthday (except maybe when i was born) never remember any parties or gifts whatsoever. But they are v hard working and make sure i go to uni so i can have better education for better futurey
Could it be possible they did celebrate your b-days? But in a different way you wanted it. It is not what happened (or didn't happen) it is how we live it, and perhaps, how we remember.
I wish you can celebrate every birthday in a wonderful way, and better yet, make someone else's birthday a beautiful one.
My grandmother ( who unwillingly raised me) would say you don’t deserve these presents but I got them for your anyway. Then she stopped celebrating at age 15 when she gave me over the counter pimple medication for my birthday and I burst into tears. She ruined birthdays for me forever.
Who is childish? The person who says to a child "Don't be so childish"
Exactly.
Sounds like my parents
"Act your age! You're being childish!"
"Know your place! You're just a child!"
TF do you want then!?
“Stop being so childish” if only some adults could achieve childishness while they’re adults
Very true, people usually parent the way they were brought up. I hope I can learn from the failings of mine and help break the cycle.
Don't even risk putting that pain on another
Exactly the same for me, I’ll strive with all my power to not do what my parents did, and finally break the vicious cycle.
I did... I do the opposite.... and I have the most loving and open 13 yr old boy.... hes not afraid to talk to me about anything.... :)
Me too.
@Sienna Mobbs right? and we know at that age, parents are usually annoying embarrassments and we are told to leave them alone 😂
Im always afraid of ending up like the people in my family because of how they act and think. I wanna take their behavior and use it as reference of who NOT to be, but I'm afraid that being around them this long has normalized their behavior.
Yes, I realized tha once you are around them long, no matter how much you tell yourself '' I will not be like this, I will not be like this, I will not be like this '', most of the time you end up doing the same things.
First step is awareness, second step is living intentionally and mindfully. Having awareness of your thought and behavior patterns. Third step, using that to make changes and stick with them you can do it. Look into CBT and workbooks if you can't get a therapist to help on your journey
When i will have a kids, I don't want them suffer like me. It is my responsibility to never multiply the suffering to next generation
Give them positive suffering not negative suffering
Suffering is inevitable. Plenty of people who had great parents still had to endure horrible trauma and hardship. The only way to ensure that your children will never have to face tremendous amounts of suffering is to never have biological children to begin with.
I can't imagine my childhood being any harder... And I wouldn't trade it for anything because it made me stronger.
@@iamwhoyousayiam6773
Bruh, some children are molested by their own parents. Most severe traumas don’t make a person stronger, unfortunately. They usually end up passing on their pain onto some innocent victim. But I’m glad your pain made you stronger for it
More than everything in my life, I hope that I become a great father.
My father wasn't... a good one, let's say. And my mother oftentimes was absent.
I cannot and refuse to become like them.
There is not a thing as "too much love" as my father loves to state.
He is just wrong, love is everything.
I feel you, man.... I feeel you...
Depends on how healthy the love is.
Oftentimes people overprotect (coddle) or spoil their children, enable them, either making them weak fragile adults with lots of psychological issues, or tyrannical entitled monsters who can't self reflect and who also have lots of psychological issues, or very naive and sheltered idiots who think life is all sunshine and rainbows, which we see a lot of nowadays in colleges and universities.
"Lots of love" is a very vague, unqualitative metric. Jordan Peterson presents this case more thoroughly on the overprotected child.
❤️❤️❤️
I really hope you can be a great Dad. I suggest that you read the books if Steve Biddulph. They can really help. Also there are courses in parenting.
I know you'll be a great parent. I think the quality of a good parent is that they know they'll mess up but they keep learning on how to be better parents and companions for their kids. They continue to grow as parents and as people same as their child.
First reason: Something so bad occurred in their own childhood they subconsciously refuse to go back there again to connect with their child.
Second reason: They're secretly jealous their child might have a better life than they did, so they unconsciously try to make sure that won't happen.
This literally opened my eyes !! My dad had a very rough childhood. When i was born he was not rich, after me being born he bacame rich and guess wat, he lost all money deliberately. Right when he got lucky. Nvr spent money on me. And being such an abusive father. Now i can totally understand. Thank u for opening up my eyes. He even said this to a friend on call that if my children get money easily they wont do the hardwork.
Both reasonings, especially the second, are so sad!
@@meharbachani7012
"I don't want my daughters growing up entitled and spoiled. And I agree with my father - you give your children enough money to do something but not enough to do nothing."
-🎬 from 'The Descendants' (2011)
@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 definitely. I’d love to be wealthy and rich enough to give my kids the resources for their own success story
@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 but he dint give me nothing. He lost all money deliberately. Moreover my mother married a poor man. My dad was poor when my mom married him. But when i was born he became rich. So ultimately i was born as a lucky charm for him. And also, not all rich kids are spoilt.
My grandparents were emotionally neglectful of my parents. My parents were emotionally neglectful of my sibling and me. I know it even more as an adult, what an emotionally healthy family is like. Yet I will never have children. I may adopt or foster one day, but never will I try to have children on my own.
Why?
If you would never have biological children because you feel you wouldn't be a good parent, why would you adopt or foster then? Or am I misunderstanding.
I have been an adult for a long time now and I still get tears welling up in my eyes when I think or talk about my childhood. I don't ever want my child to experience what I did
My parents were and are not good role models. They would know something is upsetting and toxic and do it in our face more to upset us for no reason. They also pushed me back a grade when I passed all my classes and got even A’s in English. Disgusting.
It’s honestly such a shame these emotionally stunted and heavily damaged people reproduce. Childhood trauma dates back generations in my family.
The envy is very true indeed.The envy of my mother towards me hit me like a train since I grew up an I started feeling better.I would have never tought it would be like this.For context I am 23 and she is 44.
Same here .. and I am 35 and she is 60 . She had everything she has from my dad and stole anything she can which will be destined to me all the time . And I came from a wealthy family but you can't imagine the greed and punishment my my mother put me trought all my life .
Și cum te simți acum, Alina?
But that´s insane, jealous of your own child. Usually people see their child as an extension of themselves. How can you be envious of a child, a son or daughter that´s a part of you? I think this has everything to do with self hatred
@@sanmc5888 in my case because my mum had me just to be guaranteed of a month allowance and didn't care at all to be a mother and she is not capable of love towards herself , as you mention , or others . She has obstacled/mistreated me in every possible way , not giving me food when I was little , criticizing me all the way .. to the point I was so unsecure that at 30 I could not go out to a restaurant with my own money because she was controlling and I allowed here probably hoping for some approval .
@@sanmc5888 a child shouldn't be even looked as an extension of its parents, in my opinion. Born from them yes, but ultimately, the child is it's own person who will cultivate their own path. The child being an extension of the parent is just another form of narcissism that parents refuse to acknowledge and explore.
I think, if my life partner is someone i could be a team with, and i mean really, a team.
Maybe i would want to bring a child into this life.
Envy was precisely my mom’s problem. I could tell she wanted to be better than her mom, at times, but her envy would always win. Even with me being a 30-something, she will still say nasty envious things to me. I have to remind myself this is her trauma and has little to actually do with me.
envy seems to comes from people who aren't very intelligent
@@jantelopez5626interesting. I never thought of it that way. Care to elaborate? I am curious about this.
An ever-deepening self-awareness is more important than anything else when considering a child, you can say you won't be like your parents, but without complete awareness of their generationally echoing trauma, you will subconsciously imitate them in one way or another.
Exactly.
Wise and compassionate x
@maewest4098 😊 Aw, thanks!
It's too easy to be a bad parent. That's why we have so many of them.
You say that like it’s a choice. People don’t choose to be bad parents. Some don’t even know that they are.
@@cityseabird it’s a choice. We live in the golden age of information where there are tens of thousands of resources on these matters, ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse.
padarousou - such compassion you show there, I can clearly see which 'choice' you've made. Let's say that what you're saying is true and the only thing stopping people from being 'good' parents is their choice to ignore the, let's be honest, overwhelming and often contradictory information out there, what about those who don't have access, can't read, weren't equipped with the capabilities to make 'good' choices?
Life is not a level playing field but you're 'choosing' to ignore that for whatever unforgiving voice in your head is telling you that people are all born with equal chances and it's their own fault if they fuck it up.
@@cityseabird the single factor that determines whether or not someone will live a good life above all else is good parents. With that in mind, it should be the clear priority of any parent to be the best they can for their child and I have no empathy for those who choose to bring a child in this world only to abandon, abuse, or neglect them and then plead ignorance that they didn’t know any better once it’s too late.
@@cityseabird Bull. It's still a choice.
For all the reasons above, the only child I ever wanted to parent is my own inner child. She continues to be worth all my love and attention ❤️
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Pretty sure my parents decided that if bad parenting was a list, they were on a mission to cross off every single item.
Also, there's nothing wrong with not having kids to not pass on the trauma.
Same.
I work with children, yet I can’t remember the joy of being a child. I would make a bad mother and I am aware of that.
I have the same qualm
So how are you working with children 🤔??
@SU-SAN Del Ray, that is good that you have reflected on this. Above all else know thy self.
@@Nokss87 It's possible. Connecting with young children and mothering children are two different feats. She mentioned she doesn't remember the joys of being a child. This can be read many ways. Maybe she can't remember the joys because there's a level of trauma that has kept her from remembering or maybe her childhood was just that tattered and her subconscious defense mechanism is to stop whatever the offense was/is with her.
Pls susan don't ever considering have a children use protection 😭
Allowing your kids to be stuck on themselves total failure as a person total failure... My grandad taught me to be respectful and polite in public while being totally hands off
This video hits a little too close to home. Being raised by physically and emotionally distant parents really fucks you up. Especially if the parents, on the surface, seem like decent people because the child can’t pick up on the fact the parents are actually terrible.
I couldn’t figure it out until I was 24 with no friends and never being in a relationship. But that took a lot of self-reflection. And even then, I still didn’t realize the role my parents played until it was pointed out to me. Prior to that you just blame everything on yourself, your head is filled to the brim with noise and the only real emotions I felt for as long as I could remember were anger, sadness, and confusion. I’ve missed out on a lot in life and it’ll definitely be a challenge to raise a child without any knowledge of what a good parent looks like, but I will take time to learn beforehand.
I processed being the family scapegoat of narcissistic parents at 39. After that, I was able to keep them at a very safe distance. Thanks to Covid I haven't seen them in 15 months and don't care if I ever do again. Every week of No Contact brings new healing.
Dear DarkRed, please be aware that each time you lovingly look after yourself and make your life happier and healthier, the people on this site are sending you love and encouragement.
@@mariamalhotra8228 Being away from your family sounds great. Spend time with good people and enjoy your life in healthy ways. I hope all goes well for you.
i hv gone through same
@@kintsugi2262 When we look back over the 20th century, it's no wonder that we are traumatized. There were 2 World Wars and also the Spanish flu was an epidemic which killed more people than the two World Wars together. No wonder our parents and grandparents were stressed to the limit. Let's include a little kindness to ourselves and to others in every day of our lives. We never know what others have been through.
The people who deliberatly hurt their children for the most are narcissists.Many people have had deprived childhood but do not turn into tormentors of their own children,in fact many become empaths and firmly decide they will never treat their chidren as they were treated themselves.
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I pray so
I ended a relationship because I realized that even if we wanted to be together... we would have been the worse parents in the world. Each had so much issues in exactly in these two aspects! its freaky how this video made it land. I think I made the right choice and I hope I can get over mine and find a partner that at least wants to work on theirs and not deny it all the time
Some of the greatest acts of love is to let others go.
Therapy can help
One of the reason I don't want to have kids is because I know for sure that I'm going to mess up.
Something tells me that the whole point of this video was to overcomplicate parenting and discourage people from having kids. Do you really think the 3.5 billion years of life that is your ancestors thought about messing up?
@@stigcc You aren't living 3.5 Billion years ago bro.
@@hakimdiwan5101 My ancestors did… Life startet 3.5 (or maybe even 4.5) billion years ago and we all origin from that.
Everyone is going to mess up. We’re not God, but we’re supposed to at the very least continue to try to love others as God loves. Anyone saying they’re perfect enough isn’t! And in saying so, they are in more danger of ‘’messing up’’…royally. It’s often in our imperfection that we learn. That’s the only thing you have to worry about when it comes to messing up-not striving to love well. In loving well, one must learn to forgive. Sons and daughters must also learn to forgive. You forgive your friends, don’t you? Do you forgive your parents? Forgiveness gets ignored these days, but that’s because it’s often mistaken for tolerance of abuse or people think it’s a trite word spoken in haste with no real internal decision and change of heart. All these are separate things, …one is healthy, the others keeps everyone in a prison of hurt. You can forgive and grow well despite any mess ups that you make or others do to you. And yes, that’s very hard of me to write because I know it’s very hard to forgive..why it’s so rare. 🙁but precious. And not to be abused.
Why don't you talk things over with a psychologist? Not everyone repeats their parents mistakes. The books of Steve Biddulph can really help.
I’m terrified of having children and ending up like my parents. I’m a teacher, and think I’m really good with children. I treat them how I wish I was treated by my teachers and parents, and always show the neglected ones extra love. I hope I could be like that with my own children too, but maybe it’s different when you’re a teacher than a parent. Please don’t let me end up like my parents.
This is a lovely sounding narrator, but I hope Alain hasn`t abandoned us as a narrator !? (yes, I have issues :-)
I agree! The new narrator is great but Alain has such a wise and reassuring voice, I could listen to him read the dictionary! (I also have issues 😂)
I think this is his girlfriend
I love her voice - even better than Alain.
Missing his voice
Is it just me or does this sound like Emma Watson?!??
For years I've been aware of the fact that the reason why some of my siblings and cousins always tried to beguilt me for anything and everything was because, in their eyes, I had a more fortunate childhood than they did. However, until today, I could not call it ENVY. I feel such a relief for being able to put a name on it, finally, and that it did not come from my mouth but from a group of experts. I feel so validated, finally!!!
I'm glad my grandparents showed me a normal childhood
You've been blessed!
Not me 😥😥
I had a traumatic childhood, in the end, I parent the exact opposite of what I received. It was the catalyst for my own transformation. I prayed for my children that I was told I might never have. That is a reason to be a excellent mother.
Break the cycle.
Many of us had neglectful or zombie-parents.
I've delayed having children (I'm 45), because I wasn't ready, or I didn't have a partner who shared my values. I still don't, so the question is, should I be selfish and have a child in any case, or not bother.
I know the answer.
Don't give up . 🙏
Simple answer: they don’t care. They have a child when they shouldn’t. They have prejudices against their own child- first born of gets the scapegoat role.
I went from fearful to hateful as I grew up.
Being a child of a toxic father i always hated my life... My mom too want to end up her life.... He always talk about his good things eventhough he do nothing for us... I promis to me that i will not grow up like this.
Unpopular opinion: We all should strive to be parents, that is what we generally exist and reproduce for. However, we all should strive to be _good_ parents. Not wanting to be a parent is exactly the thing that makes you be a bad parent because you haven't thought about it.
To everyone reading this: because you’re watching this video you are going to be an awesome parent 🚀🍀❤️
Hopefully.
Thanks so much, I really hope so!
A lot of them aren't going to be good parents. If you're watching this video, you will probably fair better than most. But the bad ones won't even try.
thanks but not everyone who watches this video wishes to be a parent
Aamiin
I think I’m too afraid of hurting them like my parents did me to even think about having one… plus I’m constantly questioning if i even want children
Just try not to have kids if you ain't ready for the responsibility :/
Unfortunately many people assume that they are but aren't...
In Nigeria even people who don’t have a job gave birth to 12 or 10 children 😶💔
You're never ready for parenthood
Unfortunately another reason people are bad parents is because of other people. Pressure from partners or parents, or their religion.
A lot of humans are too arrogant to admit their lack of appropriate responsibility & certainly won’t take responsibility for that which is inappropriate.
Oh yeah. My mom is so jealous of me. She’s admitted to it. No one believes me.
We need parent licensing and we need it now; I'm sick and tired of seeing parent acquit themselves, collude together in torturing innocent creatures who weren't even there to begin with!
Where are Pediatricians? What have Psychologists been doing so far? What have social workers in mind to fix the problem?
Children are just left to grieve their destiny.
I work in pediatrics. Unfortunately most of our reports fall on deaf ears. There are so many kids I'd love to take into my own home. The "parents" don't love or even like them, they own them. Treated like property that brings in welfare money each month. I truly think there should be a license to parent.
Parent licensing??
@@foxbyte0157 Yes, a license needed in order to become a parent; it is not a new concept though it has never been applied as far as I know. Life that has been treated bad feels a strong pull to becoming bad, we shouldn't toy with life! Parents do all the time.
@@Francesco_M. I used to agree with with idea but after the past 2 years I don’t trust the government with the power they already gave, let alone letting them decide who can breed and who can’t.
If it was enacted it would be wide open to abuse and would be completely unenforceable without extreme draconian measures
@@sdrawkcabUK I wouldn't let any government get near the power to enforce such schemes;
It must be like what has happened during the last Covid pandemic, it is the M.D.'s and the scientist of the world that has to come together, elaborate a plan and address the public as to what is to be done.
Governments are there just to receive the informations and proceed to legislate, not to put their own warped minds to it.
There goes my thinking at least.
As a child not being showered with the love you deserve is more shattering than anything. Not everyone has the same loving parents and had to face all their mood swings, abuse, expectation yet not very successful, and dragging down to their misery is very traumatic. But one thing, no one can rescue you, but only a friend we have in our Lord. Just look up to him and draw strength from him.
Videos like this help us to shed light on our shadow. Greatly appreciate this.
I had a terrible childhood and somehow I knew I was nor prepared to be a mother. I did not have children, BUT I see all around me those horribles parents creating pain in the next generation and I feel sad!!!
Sometimes I get jealous when I see my daughter loving and clinging to another adult besides me. It’s the broken part of me. I’ve never acted on my jealousy, I only felt it and let it turn into sadness. And I know I’m doing the right thing by allowing her to love someone other than her mommy. 😊
You sound like a loving Mum. As well as loving your daughter, find the time to love yourself. Perhaps put some lovely flowers in a vase for yourself or put on some beautiful music. Even a cup of tea that is lovingly prepared can carry a message of kindness and encouragement.
@@tracesprite6078 thank you 😊
I agree with Tracesprite. I read somewhere that if we had bad childhoods, sometimes we need to mother ourselves as well, along with our children. Like if you lovingly prepare some breakfast that yiu know your kid with love, you should do the same with you, lovingly prepare something you love. Talk to your inner self with the same love you talk to your child.
Also, I think you're very strong for putting your child's wellbeing ahead of your own discomfort and pain. From one mom to another, I'm proud of you.
Mother’s are possessive even if they had a normal childhood but we need to strive to do better, to give our children the strongest foundation.
@@netforce13 Thank you so much. This means so much to me. It's very hard at times. But thank you
Dont bring children if you didn’t resolve your traumas
My parents were absolutely dreadful and decided young that I would never ever ever have children as I know for a fact I too would have made a very very bad job of it. :'-(
You are not your parents. You can choose a different future.
Please reconsider.
@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 - No I'm too old now (67) and never regretted my decision - did the right the thing - too badly damaged to have been a good mother - had loads of cats instead though :-)
@@ChickpeatheTortie sometimes I’m really scared I’ll selfishly give into the pressure to have a child, your my hero, I hope I end up like you at your age
I hated my parents for not loving each other instead they fought over very little things so my software decided I will never marry to anyone .if they have loved what worsed have happened?
I've been a parent 4 times, and I've loved them all..... Thank you
What’s ur secret formula?
9/10 parents try to teach their kids what is legal vs. illegal instead of what is right vs. wrong. That is why most adults turn out only knowing consequences instead of morality. That's why everyone ends up a passive bully or active bully.
My parents were terrible. I've done everything I can to be the best mother and help my husband be the best father our daughter could ever have. I think we've done a bang up job too because we did things in the right order and had privileges not everyone has.
And then her daughter has a massive failure for a significant other speaks volumes...
Parenting with severe trauma is a constant juggling act. And nowhere seems to want to help unpick trauma if you're trying to keep the kids from being hurt by it.
I do not know, for the life of me, how to play with my children. I was never allowed to play as a child and it was severely punished. Trying just makes me angry, or so incredibly and obviously disinterested despite my best efforts that my children get quite upset (They're 5, 3 and 1). My 1st never wanted to be played with from the start (ASD) which helped buy me time to work out tactics.
I'll cuddle with them, I'll read stories, I'll do crafts and I'll pick them up no matter how heavy to dance with them. I'll constantly be able to respond to everything they say no matter what I'm doing (Or ask for a little patience so I can when I'm done). I'll suggest to them ideas they can play themselves or with each other. But they know that Momma does not play. Their father will often start by playing with them then just play by himself not even realising they've left, on the other hand. But I learned recently that I don't HAVE to play with them with their toys etc. They don't actually need me to at all for their development. They need to know I'm there and interested. They need me to engage with them regularly. But they don't actually require for me to sit there with their toys and do a full game with them. I pretend to eat the odd bit of toy food, tuck a doll into bed etc. And that's enough. I'm doing a great job without it.
A large part of parenting with trauma is to work out what they actually need from us, not just what they'd like or what we wish we were. Let go of the guilt, and just work on what we are able to do without burning the tank dry. Ultimately, the more we can keep our own shit together, the happier our children will be. Even if that means they don't get the fancy, home baked cookies every night. The bed time story every night with a cuddle is enough.
Hey Stacy. Thanks for sharing your story. How old was your 1st born when he was diagnosed with ASD?
I am a traumitized child whose parents don't care. I hope life gets better...
I didn't have a father and my mother hated me for my existence but I never lived with her, I lived with her parents (grandma). She hated me, accused me, insulted me. You are not alone.
This is why I waited until 28 before starting my family, and had therapy and lots of time to process all the abuse and to cut the bad people out of my life first. I'm a very loving parent to my two girls and I love giving them a better life than I had.
👍🏻👍🏻
👍🏾 I been a subscriber to this channel for years. Learned so much.
Be a good parent and always have time for your children; never stop caring for them, be an adult
here's to all parents who are simply doing their best... 👊👊
What is up with the fists? If they really did their best, they did. If you were parents, you would definitely end up like them regardless of whatever you are saying now.
Bs. Sometimes their best is awful. Mine did their best and it was abuse.
I understand what you mean, but sometimes doing your best is not enough. Sometimes you need to ask for help, educate yourself and learn how to get better as a parent.
How to be my father:
Step 1. Have a child.
Step 2. AT 2 years old, give them internet with no supervision.
Step 3. Work and watch TV all day.
Step 4. Years pass, be mad when you're child turns out to be self-isolating, sad, doesn't want affection from adults, terminally online, acting weird, doesn't like sports and being physical, lie to you, different from other boys, traumatized of how much you and your wife/girlfriend argued infront of him for years and etc.
Step 5. Try to fix things and be all cuddly and act like a good father, be mad when they don't want to involve with you.
Extra notes: Ignore how succesfull your child has been comparing to other kids their age, argue violently with partner infront of them, at 6-10 years old only watch TV and ignore them.
The school of life is watching me this is fact !!
No, that's a fiction. The School of Life is a useful site with some helpful ideas. I hope you take good care of yourself, enjoy your life and get enough sleep, exercise and healthy food.
I had a bad child hood but good parents. They tried to improve on their traumas and gave me a better life than they had. With kids now I try to improve on their parenting more but sometimes I catch myself being just like them!
Hopefully, in the future, we will all be educated enough to understand and practice these types of self awarenesses in order to continue evolving as humans and a society.
Anyone can have a child. But not everyone can be a parent
It's so freeing being able to talk about our more "ugly" feelings! ❤
In the Philippines there is no “Divorce” and “Abortion”
It all boils down to a character flaw in the parent to begin with. If you don’t overcome your childhood traumas because you Yourself were mistreated; it’s because you don’t have the character or empathy within you to sympathize with anyone other than yourself.
Could be used as a definition for narcissism. 👍🏻
@@hissyfitz7890 I agree, that could be one of the problems along with others..
I know my parents love me ! but they make my life very harsh , at 18 I start working, and all they do is try to depend on me financially .Their mindset and mine is different, they only thought of spending the little of what we have and later asked me for more, I have tried to tell them to find ways to earn, invest the money i have given , be it small shop or small anything otherwise we’ll forever be poor ! now Im 20 and this burden wont let me live freely ! 😭
Too many people see parenthood as a sort of hobby, you get bored with it, you put it aside....
thanks for the documentary on my parents! I ended up in foster care which wasn’t much better (cashin’ those cheques amirite?) after many years in therapy, I was emotionally healthy enough to marry and have a child .. she’s thriving on our love and support .. so glad I’m leaving the world a better place than I found it ❤️
Good on you, Avril. I hope you go from strength to strength.
If people want others to give them empathy for their bad childhood, then people should also realise that others who had a bad childhood, no matter what age, also deserve the same empathy.
No way; absolutely NOT giving empathy to narcissists!
@@hissyfitz7890 Oh look I found a toxic person who's projecting and refuses to give others empathy, yet claims that the other person is a narc. Interesting.
@@bunille Just because someone deserves something does not mean they are entitled to it. A parent is not entitled to empathy from their kids. I don't like how narcissistic people are labeled and berated for something largely out of their control, but the damage they cause means fighting back is the only option. They want empathy so that they can drain you of everything that makes you human.
@@blueskiesinc And a teen is not entitled empathy from others? Or when they grow up they're apparently not allowed empathy anymore from others? It works both ways, y'know.
Also, what's with this "narcissism"? Why are you all projecting it? The video is not about that and never was. Narcissists don't even want empathy, they want validation, different thing. You can realise that someone's bad and still have empathy for them... it's called empathy.
Mentally sick people do bad things. Healthy people do bad things. Does bad things = no empathy for them? That's not looking good on you.
What's with all of the 'I am hurt = people should give me empathy', but 'You are hurt = nobody should give you empathy' in so many entitled people?
@@bunille - Some people believe the abuse excuse will stand up in court; maybe for spousal abusers but pedophiles…
I have to comment on this video! First, if we all waited to be emotionally and financially healthy to have kids, a LOT of people would never have kids. Most people have suffered some sort of trauma in their life, including the issues of generational pathology, and the difficulties that life itself presents - it is inevitable that we will raise kids who have some sort of problems. I’ve had a very traumatic childhood, and on top of that I’ve survived a war in Bosnia as a child so there is no doubt in my mind that I’ve transferred that trauma while my daughter was in my womb! It wasn’t intentional but I know in my soul that she has issues because I have significant issues. I’ve done my best to go to finish university, I’ve got a career, I’ve gone through various forms of therapy, I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or prostitute myself so my behaviour in that sense is not destructive. But I struggle daily with anger issues, I have CPTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, misophonia and I’m doing my hardest to create the best possible life that I can. I’m not a bad mum but I’m not the best either but God knows I’m trying to do the best possible job that I can.
that slow fall & the surrounding emptiness at 2:31 s i g h . . . wishing everyone who's falling lands on new, fertile ground... 👊👊
We should all just stop having kids. Nobody would have to suffer any more
There's no bad child if there is no bad parents
#1 reason children ended up with bad parents: being born.
wtf???? so, you say your father was bad? he made a bad work on you? he didn't care of you?....what kind of selfish person could think in that way...
@@fitito500 ffs dude that's sarcasm.
#1 reason children ended up with good parents: being born. See? Your logic is faulty.
As a parent I am scared to fail. All I wish for is for my kid to have a good childhood. I remember some things about my childhood so I know that little things can mean the world to a kid. This just feeds my anxiety.
No parents are perfect. It's enough to just be good enough. Steve Biddulph has written some good books on parenting.
some parents,are envious of their own children s progress and success, they harm.them on purpose
Having been brought up by abusive, codependent parents I decided to end the cycle of abuse by not having any children of my own.
Me 2!
I just work on bettering myself and having fun for the 1st time, since i didnt have a childhood, my parents beat and abused me since i was born
All my insecurities and issues just got sung by this video 😭😭😭😭
Society needs to stop telling people they need to have children its not for everyone and that's ok there is nothing wrong or selfish with that.
If you don't want kids that's perfectly fine.
But don't let fear stop you from doing something you want to do, from doing something you care about, and doing something important to you.
If you ultimately want kids but are too afraid to be a "bad parent", just know that making mistakes is part of parenting and can never be avoided.
What's important is that you try your best. Your self awareness is the first step to growth and being the parent you ever hope to be.
Not all people with a bad childhood become bad parents. Some of them learn what exactly not to do so their children don't go through what they did. And so no one else ends up as broken as they feel inside.
My siblings and I had an horrendous childhood of emotional and physical abuse. Our parents had traumatised childhoods themselves and were incapable of parenting compassionately. As children, my siblings and I were never encouraged to like each other and we have no contact now. From choice, none of us (we are all in our old age) had children. When I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy at age 30, I opted for an abortion. Philip Larkin's This Be The Verse spoke to me and I listened. It may sound evil to some but having an abortion was one of my finest moments - I acted unselfishly to protect a child from a life of misery.
You bravely chose to end the cycle of misery. I wonder if you could at least give each of your siblings an occasional phone call. That might be a small light in the darkness. But you will know if that's a good idea or not.
This is the saddest comment I've read on here
A Calming Video on how bad parents are made th-cam.com/video/yRq2tYnpgO0/w-d-xo.html
When I look at my daughter, all i see is how much happiness i want her to have thru her life and that i need to take better care so i can always be there for her. Even the though of not having her in my life makes me stop and realize that i don't know if i could go on. When I see her, i want to give her everything i didnt have in my childhood but also built on the lessons i can teach her to make her a strong, independent person. She is my beautiful gift to the world.