My 2 biggest takeaways are to communicate without getting offended. Many people have overreactions due to past trauma and fear of abandonment, be present and engaged. Takeaway 2 is to keep having fun
Thanks for this interview, Mayim. My observation as a student of human behavior (I study cognition) is that the 50% divorce rate is not necessarily a bad statistic. For 35 years I've worked with children from intact families where there is abuse, unhappiness, and dysfunction, and they are no better off, and often worse off, than the ones from fractured families. There's a reason the divorce rate is high and much of that has to do with people being able to leave untenable situations. I see the divorce rate as a positive thing because when it was low, there were a lot of miserable families out there. As humans, we need to have the option to leave. Always. With no fault. IMHO
I've heard more stories lately where therapists have seen an abused person in a dynamic, recognized it for what it is, and recommended separation. It definitely used to be the case where you were more likely to get someone who didnt understand abuse dynamics, but that appears to be shifting thankfully. Obviously it depends on the people involved.
The guy who is kind, caring, considerate to "woo" her - then after she is smitten, he turns Passive-Aggressive, cutting-down/criticizing the things a woman likes or her hopes/dreams for her career etc, acts cocky like he knows more then she does, is competitive with her for no reason - she feels "duped". He is no longer the man she was initially attracted to - and why would she want to keep seeing a guy who constantly puts her down/devalues her in small ways as if to chip away at her self worth to control her?
@@jasonmiller1553 How is she responsible for his behavior? If he is being an asshole, that’s his problem. He needs to fix himself. And not by cutting others down to feel better. My husband NEVER does that. Luckily my past boyfriends’ asshole controlling behavior came out before a marriage commitment so dodged those bullets.
In a normal person and marraige, infidelity may have a precipitating 'cause,' however in a narcissist, infidelity is an intrinsic, insatiable, primal need for validation of the self.
Very early on in my relationship with my husband he was sexting women. Im on the autism spectrum and had just moved to the biggest city in the country and so was going through a lot. And my meltdowns were hard for him to handle. He blamed me for his internet 🛜 infidelity. (The women he was speaking to were women he had slept with in university who were still local to the city so I was and still am more inclined to call it cheating) I did a lot of work on myself to get adjusted to my new environment, but the flirting and inappropriate messages never really stopped. He no longer needs to deal with that side of me, and it has given me more energy to fulfil my duties as his wife outside of my financial contributions. Cooking and cleaning, things of the sort. So now it’s hard for me to hold him accountable because he holds my previous struggles over my head, and reminds me “youre far from perfect so stop whining, after all I’m not sleeping with anyone. Stop invading my privacy” To make matters worse, he doesn’t speak with me intimately the way he does with his previous intimate partners who he still maintains an online connection with, so it hurt me deeply for a long while. I think both root causes are sometimes possible simultaneously, and that’s what makes a lot of these situations difficult to deal with. If I tell people about my situation they’re quick to say “he’s manipulating you this isn’t your fault” but the reality is that this is a shared blame scenario. He lacks restraint, I lacked control over my emotions. And unfortunately, I was the only one working on the issues we had. He watches a lot of masculinity Influencers and from my observations comparing his behaviour to what I hear his favourite saying, I think the chase is part of his masculinity as he’s come to define it in his mind. (If that is a bit convoluted, more simply put, it validates his fragile self-perceived masculinity to have many women to speak to in this manner) It’s a bit of a pickle. I’m hoping he matures out of it because I don’t believe in divorce on principle. But if it’s going to be an irreconcilable issue, then that may be the only option.
Yep. . . I was with one of those for 13.5 years. . . never married him, thankfully. His recent wife died of cancer. I think that he has a dead girlfriend or two in his past, as well. I don't think that my ex purposefully harmed anyone, but I do believe that people can sicken and die from being with one of these uber-toxic creatures.
And the awesomeness continues!!! 🥇Such a gift for us! As a woman in a long term (38 years) marriage, how I found a lot of things in this episode related to us. Btw, we still walk hand in hand..😅
It was interesting when she said some women have chosen to partner with women despite not being lesbian or mostly leaning that way. I'm more attracted to men but I date women. The reason being, not many men are emotionally available. Now when I say emotionally available, men think it means them sharing their feelings. I find men are great at sharing their feelings and using me as a therapist. What I mean by emotionally available is someone who is able to listen back and not pretend care but actually have empathy and interest. This is something I find in women often but not men and it's the most important quality in a person in a relationship for me.
Why not just date men and be friends with a caring woman, since you find the trait in women often. That is what would be normal. Do you really expect people to accept the concept of having sex with someone just because they are emotionally available for you? You are making yourself sexually available to women even though you are not attracted to them, so that you can get the emotional affection you want. How is that okay?! That is perverted.
I honestly don't think you choose whether or not you end up in a happy marriage. You either get someone who is the right fit our you don't. No matter how much work you put in, it won't matter if it's the wrong person and they don't meet you halfway.
@@MayimBialikthank you for doing what you do, for articulating it the way you do. Sincerely. Listening to you allows me to be able to feel good about myself, and that’s not nothing. There’s an epidemic of femicides and DV in developed nations like Canada, Australia, etc, we’re barely talking about it, not much is getting done to prevent it and women are still dying at an alarming rate. It should be a public health crisis in some countries but it isn’t. There wouldn’t be *that* much unaliving and DV if there wasn’t that much familial abuse. So why aren’t we more concerned about familial abuse? It’s near impossible to be heard and believed, even as an adult… but you’re “a woman”. Why is it so near impossible to say we were victim of a honour crime and not be ridiculed because “you’re white” and those don’t happen to ww.
Thank you for this podcast! Trauma from a prior relationship has most definitely hurt my current relationship... Thank goodness he is super compassionate and patient! ❤
OMG!! I grew up with a younger brother. Interesting dynamic! And learning more about healthy relationships we have to include men. At 60 I have had young men of 25-30 asking me very interesting questions from sex to girls. (My daughter’s college mates) Self care for every sex in human species is the most important. Be kind to yourself & forgive yourself as you do others.
I think sometimes when we raise boys we do not talk to them about how to relate to a female. I think it is hard for boys to know how to relate one on one to a female, how to talk with a female, or how to be part of the emotional support and activity of a family. What is their role, it isn't just monetary support., but to be there to take part in problem solving, sharing good times and making holidays or special times a memory with the people they love. I think if they feel accepted in their own families they will want to recreate that in a future family., and they will know how to build a cohesive unit.
I think it important that we pay attention to the messaging in our language. If we use “boys” then let’s use “girls”. Let’s not use “boys”and then swap to “females,” as I think it is part of the thinking in men that we are not fully human, but more like an animal to be tamed and dominated. Let’s use like terms?
Immensely grateful for everything I continually learn on this podcast! Another episode that goes to my selected ones list at my own “Corpus Doctrinae” along with Dr. Attia, Dr. Gabor Matté, Michel Singer, David Sinclair Stephen Porges and Rabbi Steve Leder past ones!
My husband is more emotionally connected but after his parents divorce his mom married another woman and he lived with them in his teens, I guess that’s why he learned this? 🤷🏻♀️
Speaking to the idea of Pornography, I have a question regarding therapists and many books and even what is seen in Movies etc... encouraging couples to "watch Pornography together" to "help" spice up their sex life and encourage more intimacy. It seems this is poor at best advice? Pornography destroys intimacy, I would say from the answers and the study results on this topic. I would be interested in an answer. Thank you Mayim and Johnathan for the best interview I have seen yet of both Julie and John Gottman. Thank you Julie and John, such insightful and very practical guidance backed up by scientifically rigorous clinical studies and the reality of day to day therapy and the saving of so many relationships over so many decades.
You don't need to ask them this question. You are responsible for deciding for yourself what to believe, along with the advice you would give to others if asked, and it sounds like you already know the answer to your question. They could stand to take YOUR advice! They stated that pornography does not have to be destructive to the relationship if both partners enjoy it, and they are wrong. Experts are often wrong.
Did I just hear there's science behind divorce rates?! My mind is blown and humbled at the same time. I've learned recently (at work) if I feel I'm not being heard over a length of time to hear my concern from that person's perspective. So some people need to hear the same thing more than once and others need to understand the urgency of the situation. I really need to take time to understand what I need to communicate and how to send that message so it's received. Might be extra but I feel better working through conflict that otherwise doesn't get resolved
I love this conversation! This episode is really interesting, thank you for talking about this topic! And she is right Mayim, you’re brilliant ❤️🧠! Great episode!
Wish the interview was able to circle back to how to know when to stay or when to go when working through infidelity. But Mayim this was an excellent interview. You are so relatable and full of thoughtful questions.
I agree. Men who have learned to thread the needle between having a backbone and having a heart are one in a million. My ex-husband had a heart, but no backbone, but I was with him because I was SO scared I would end up with someone with a backbone but no heart.
This comes from not letting young boys play rough with each other, and their Father's. As John stated emotional development in both boys and girls relies heavily on the Father's play interactions.
There have been new studies that say that women were not just the gatherers but also hunters and teach hunting. The reason there was a misconception was that the researchers were men in the past and they basically brainwashed into thinking it was just the men that were hunters
Yep, anyone who could hunt may need to hunt. Male anthropologists in the early days of the field always looked at the past from their current lens, thinking that because women today aren't allowed to hunt that it must have been the same in the past.
Humans change in marriage for numerous reasons if one mate NOT committed..marriage falls apart. I had marriage 30 years and had to get divorce instead getting physically beaten up plus cheated on by productive men. I still like men but they do make me nervous. Thank you for their research!
No matter what you say unless there is a basic connection between two people nothing you do will work. We marry for love and not for values and common long term purpose. This cannot last on its own. Especially after kids are grown up there is nothing to keep things moving.
Such an excellent podcast. My only critique is the title of it. I want to share it with my significant other. However, the title reads - Why women are unhappier in marriage ... the podcast is about so much more than that and the title could be alienating, particularly for men.
Kinda upsetting that your partner wouldn't listen to something important to you just because of the title. Hope they listened to it and you are doing well.
hi mayim, I'm from Brazil and I don't speak English, but I'm trying to learn, your podcast is really wonderful, you're wonderful. I'm a big fan. I admire you. 💓💞 I think if I keep praising you, this comment will get huge and it will never end. Because you are so beautiful, incredible... if there are any mistakes, sorry, I'm still learning let me introduce myself Hellooo 🙃🛐
Okay I'm learning a lot here n this is really great information. But I do have some advice for Mayiam about trying to communicate with your children when they have their devices and earbuds. Send them a text lol they will get a notification. Now if they are trying to ignore you on purpose, that's another story, but maybe sending them A text will give them that visual notification that you are trying to contact them. Just a thought. Anyway, I'm enjoying your conversation. Keep it up.
Also, as a parent, you can and should make rules for your family. Designate times where everyone can listen to their own media with headphones, other times when all media has to be turned off, and other times where we are all enjoying the same media. The key is not to leave it in the minor's control. Teach them that others' expectations of being able to naturally communicate with them while in their physical presence is valid and very important.
Drs. John & Julie are phenomenal!! I always wonder who you have to be to be fortunate enough to have therapy with one of the many great clinicians Mayim & Jonathan have on their podcast! In the cities across the Country there seems to be an abundance of people masquerading as mental health clinicians. It was enjoyable watching John & Julie.
I would like to hear what they have to say about people who don't want to or like to be around other people. I'd also like to hear about anything they might know about how all this can apply to people with physical disabilities.
I do like this podcast and the guest but for me it comes back to two things people talking about contempt and communication. You can’t say you can predict a break up on contempt because by the point of contempt the “marriage” is already gone even if you never divorce. Contempt was never a thing in marriage until it was Way past its useful life. Its like saying you can predict death by if the person is having a heart attack. And stop saying a relationship needs communication without saying communication and compromise. You can learn to communicate better but simply hearing and knowing and understanding is different than hearing and knowing and changing. You have to value the other person enough to change after the communication. I am sure my X was 100% sure what I did not like and I him but it really boils down to no one was going to be a whole other person just to save the marriage. We did not work out because we were a poor fit we just didn’t see it for a decade.
My husband is going through his mid-life crisis at 80. 😳 His mother lived to be 102, so there's that. I'm content to be an older person living in my happy home, but he still has wander lust. I'm happy to let him travel so I get some peace and quiet, but he expects me with him 24/7. Pray for us 🤣. JK, kind of. PS I'm appreciative of your work. Thank you.
I also think it goes without saying that getting MORE help is always going to be beneficial for any activity, but that doesn't mean that ONLY a group of women added to raising a child would be helpful. Do you actually think if you were a single mother and suddenly had a dozen male relatives helping you raise the child the child wouldn't benefit? The gender doesn't matter as much as you want to believe it does. Men can raise children. Men can bond with children. Plenty of single fathers do a damn good job raising their children. Same for gay parents.
I was just thinking how there should be a Gottman singles app to weed out the clueless folks when it comes to true intimacy and connection. 😂😂 Like you would have to go through some kind of training to be a candidate to prove your emotional intimacy aptitude. Maybe its not such a ridiculous idea afterall? Anyone feel me?
Codependency is not: expressing your needs to another person. Codependency is living to fulfill the needs of other people, while divesting yourself of needs of your own. You get your identity from having other people need you. It is not healthy interdependence - it is toxic dependency. That is why it was 1st recognized in families with addiction: where an addict depends on others to take responsibility for their actions, and a family member shields them the consequences of their actions (enabling) because they depend on the addict to feel needed; they depend on others for their self-worth. They have no idea what their needs are and they do not get them met. They are not even aware of this pattern of behavior in themselves. This is only one example of this behavior however. It disturbs me that the term has been thrown around so much that its meaning has been misinterpreted. But it is a very real pattern of behavior that hurts people. A very good book to help you understand it is: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
How to explain the Japanese? They live longer, most of them don't think they love their partners. Their marriage is a business, they know they just do their jobs.
Men do express their needs But they choose to yell/scream/berate/demean/bully & abuse. And Mayan saying they ask too much of men…. So Wrong! If women have to work + do majority of housework + do majority of child rearing + bring in equal share of $$. Men can step up. Listening to the researchers say men r doing better emotionally But women r still doing more! Men need to step up
OMG YES! The mental load on the woman along with the majority of child rearing, when not supported by the “hardworking” spouse causes major problems. I’ve been married for 27 years and my husband never stepped up for anything of the stereotypical “women’s work (thanks to his mommy). And he was shocked that I had an affair 14 years into our marriage. Rather than choosing to learn about this betrayal, 1) I destroyed myself to gain his forgiveness (never happened), 2) I allowed him to continue to verbally and emotionally abuse me born from his inability to express his hurt. I stay because it’s “easier” and we have the space to live separately in the house while we still have children (25 & 18) in the house. We are just ignoring the eventual actions until the kids are out. I have shut down and it works until it won’t.
Here’s my biggest issue with this whole conversation. If we use a conservative statistic that 10% of the population is narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic, and one of the main issues with these personality styles is lack of introspection, then 10% of the population lacks the ability to even develop the skills necessary to ever have a healthy, non-toxic relationship. So much of what the Gottmans discuss requires heavy introspection and ability to change behavior in order to maintain healthy relationships.
At the start of this episode I had some many thought on ways couples could be festering their emotion and toward one another is it healthty no. Then I was reminded of someone who gets a little steaming when she might be a we bit disappointed.
What I am so astonished about is seeing heterosexual couples trying to work their relationship. I am impressed as I have never ever been able to have a good relationship with men. We are so different, and to me, it is a wonder to think how we are supposed to be in a relationship. Sorry for my honesty. I am sooooo grateful for my wife.
Have you ever tried to plug two cables together using two female connectors? Or two male ones? It’s possible with some solder, and A LOT of wasted time, but ultimately I’ve always found that it’s best to simply use both a male and a female connector when making cable connections.
@@lancewalker2595In my experience there are people who barely have half a brain to get them through life. I wonder how they don't hurt from being that stupd, but alas to each their own. 🎉
Yikes, I'd never rebuild a relationship after being betrayed in any major way. I would lose all attraction permanently. I also don't want to invest in someone who is not worth it anyways. For me there would be no attempt to rebuild with that person, I'd move on and rebuild with someone else.
Love to listen and learn from your podcasts! Could you just clarify whether Johnathan and you are a couple (romantic) or are you just friends/colleagues?
Forced celibacy for years or decades tends to lead someone to divorce or an affair. Partners who withhold physical intimacy like this have UNREALISTIC views on what marriage and partnership is.
I’m sorry, I know this is off topic but I just “discovered” the flash mobs that took place on the set of BIG BANG THEORY, I’m so enamored with these little gems. I’ve watched all of them that TH-cam has. Could you PLEASE mention them, how that came to fruition, the practice, the fun! Anything. I knew you could dance but baby.. you killed it!! Thanks for the joy you’ve brought through your career to my life and now the wisdom you share here on this podcast. - XOXO - Miah -Aunt Fox- crosby
TBH, I don't understand the POV of thinking that the way the earliest humans did things is the right way. They raised a child in a village, so that is the best way. Men weren't really part of raising a child, so that is the best way. I really don't get this logic. Things were done the way that was required by the situation back then. Men and women had to divide their time/roles based on what was needed. The situation is completely different in our modern times so why are we going to act like what we need is men out of the house and a village of women in the house raising our children? I just find it weird, especially because no one espousing this belief is actually doing that. It's almost said in a jokesy way but it continues to be repeated throughout different conversations like if this is a legitimate belief. The earliest way of doing ANYTHING isn't automatically the best way.
Alas, I don't have 2+ hours to watch all of this. Can someone just tell me the #1 reason they give? I wonder if it's different from what I think it is.
I don’t know where to ask questions for #AskMayimAnything #AMA, so I’m just going to post my question here: Dear Mayim, today, I received a birthday card from a friend, which was a personalized image of Sheldon and Amy from The Big Bang Theory. I was very moved by it but it also made me wonder: As a big fan of TBBT and MBB, I see content related to you, on a daily basis on social media. But even-though I love watching your podcast and your lives on Instagram - which makes it seem like you’re a person just like my friends in my hometown - all of this is very far away from my real life and I’m probably never going to meet you. How do you feel about people you’re a fan of but probably are never going to meet? And how does it feel to be a celebrity, knowing that there are many people out there who would love to meet you but will never be able to? Greetings from Germany, Jette
I have recently had to ask myself (after a major dumb action on my part) what have I recently learned about men? And the answer that comforted me is men are kids!!! They don't judge until they're forced to. Men are awesome ❤❤❤
Sarah Jessica Parker was in a movie about a guy who broke up with her because she "talked too much about the relationship instead of doing things for the relationship" or something like that then he went to Africa to be with some animals or something. Also they're greiving the relationship that was and is no longer.
Men need connection just as much as women, just not in the same way. As I understand it men would be in groups as hunters and thier connection would be like a brotherhood with a shared purpose. If a man needed help or practice the group would support him because the group benefits when everyone is doing thier part to the best of thier ability. This type of connection is missing for the majority of men in today's society. Men (and women, children, elderly) suffer from the lack of tribe /village mentality. Women need women to learn, share, confide in, support, reassure and know they will not be alone if thier man is killed. The feeling of security from the group is priceless. We have none of this is today's society. As Mayim said we all live in boxes. We are the result of generations of pushed down emotions, fears of abandonment, separated families, traumas, competitions, governments, changing/increased expectations and so much more that everyone is operating from various levels of dysregulation. It really isn't fixable unless the individual takes it upon themselves to do the work and pass it down to thier kids. Which is why I love this podcast and others like it that help get this information out there to individuals like me who are trying to heal and figure things out. The Gottman's work is amazing and priceless. I've listened to podcasts with them over and over and now I will add this episode to the mix. Thank you ❤
When Stottlemeyer had his monastic time, he found the need to take a vow of silence about his beliefs, he found his way of needing to be totally silent while off the clock. He only is activated while on the clock and on the beat, but when he needs to find a reason to regenerate and still keep focused while on the job, he never lets on the reason why he keeps going. There was a lot of "don't ask, don't tell" if it was not just constant and rigorous by the book grinding police work. How difficult is it to build a wall between the religious and ethical contributions to the motivations for enforcing the law when the huge bias against that dimension is writ large? It seems that Richard Dawkins' The Selfish Gene is just a lot of selfishness for some kind of propagation in a social Darwinist way on behalf of the watch commander and the police chief and the mayor. Where is the solid standard of ethics and good behavior? Evolution doesn't completely explain it.
I love them and wish they were my parents. I bet they tongue kissed in front of their kids. Oozing about each other lol. My last memory of them together was them kissing and it pissed me off but made me happy at thr same time .
Everyone is replaceable. The idea there there is only one person out there for you is idiotic. Now you can make that commitment to some one, but there are many who can fill that roll. But on the other hand, if you can't make it work with X you probably can't make it worth with Y either.
I loved this interview until Mr Gottmann said porn can be a good thing. My 30+ marriage is over due a secretly porn addicted husband. He obviously cannot truly comprehend what a devastated woman goes through.
I also think people equate a man being emotional as a man being weak. And it becomes political because men in particular fear that if they make decisions based on emotion vs logic, then their decisions will be bad. Thats what I’ve heard from other men, that women would be poor political leaders if they choose to go to war because they are more emotional one day.
I think shallow feminists certainly make the equation between male emotionality and weakness… not so common in the land of the living though, pretty much everyone understands that all emotions have their place (for example, I’ve never known a man who didn’t cry when Aragorn says: “my friends… you bow to no one”).
@@lancewalker2595 Feminism doesn’t equate emotions with weakness for anyone. It’s has been shown many times through research than men are socially conditioned not to express emotions other than anger, and it’s shown how detrimental it is to men’s health. Many times, they’re conditioned this way because they’re told not to act “like a girl” or some other words that uses femininity as an insult. That is the attitude that equates both women and emotions with weakness. Then you get the example of men claiming women can’t be good leaders, or shouldn’t be in the workforce, etc. because they’re “too emotional” which is nonsense. Feminism fights against this social conditioning, and that supports both men and women being able to express emotions in a healthy way.
@@janelane80 That "research" is ridiculous, the notion that boys are conditioned to repress all emotions EXCEPT for anger is, quite frankly, laughably absurd. Of ALL the emotions, anger is the least socially accepted emotion for a boy to express... for obvious reasons, anger is perceived as a pretext for aggression and violence, and is therefore, the MOST socially stigmatized emotion in boys. The social "sciences" are not to be trusted, the very well publicized replication crisis is more than enough to warrant at least a little bit of skepticism, but "studies" concerning boys, men, and masculinity are especially untrustworthy... one rarely needs to look very far into such studies to recognize the clear feminist bias which motivates their "research" to justify feminist presuppositions. It's actually quite funny to me that feminists, despite their emphasis on "empathy" and "lived experience", have decided that they own the right to describe and characterize the male experience regardless of what actual men and boys presume to say for themselves; they literally go so far as to assert a "standpoint epistemology", whereby women are said to possess a "dual awareness of both the oppressor's perspective, in addition to that of the oppressed perspective". Hence the reason why feminists don't care to understand the true position and perspective of men and boys, to feminism, boys and men are nothing more than oppressive obstacles to be demoralized and stepped-over in the never ending quest to "smash the patriarchy".
Simple issue many women don’t want to solve problems or what that would take, they want to just vent about their feelings without ever making a point, digging to the deeper issue, let alone resolve it. You can’t have your cake and eat it to. It’s not a choice it’s acceptance of reality which is a personal responsibility. Tired of the nice lies. I’m as emotional a man as you will find, I have empathy for all, sympathy for none. Feeling sorry for someone is worthless and pathetic. People do what they want to do and the ones that don’t want to be self aware don’t want a friend, they want someone to do their stuff for them. Helping people has became dangerous proposition in this country. People who don’t respect themselves also don’t respect others and now that you can’t communicate that with out a damn Jerry springers show, I’m out.
At 50:12, 56:50 and 01:03:07 and 1:12:44 (So basically the whole video - ) I am ready to cry. They're my couple role models and feel like I was born in the wrong time all the more than I usually do. How lovely are Drs Gottman, I'm especially fond of them and their work❤🩹.
hi mayim, I'm from Brazil and I don't speak English, but I'm trying to learn, your podcast is really wonderful, you're wonderful. I'm a big fan. I admire you. 💓💞 I think if I keep praising you, this comment will get huge and it will never end. Because you are so beautiful, incredible... if there are any mistakes, sorry, I'm still learning let me introduce myself Hellooo 🙃🛐
My 2 biggest takeaways are to communicate without getting offended. Many people have overreactions due to past trauma and fear of abandonment, be present and engaged.
Takeaway 2 is to keep having fun
@@uniqueusername22337 very positive! I appreciate your comment
If someone is yelling at you, it is very hard to not get offended.
@@uniqueusername22337 yes, communicate without getting offended. Focus on the message rather than the messenger. I appreciate your post
If someone gets up and walks away while you’re talking, it is very hard to not get offended.
Thanks for this interview, Mayim. My observation as a student of human behavior (I study cognition) is that the 50% divorce rate is not necessarily a bad statistic. For 35 years I've worked with children from intact families where there is abuse, unhappiness, and dysfunction, and they are no better off, and often worse off, than the ones from fractured families. There's a reason the divorce rate is high and much of that has to do with people being able to leave untenable situations. I see the divorce rate as a positive thing because when it was low, there were a lot of miserable families out there. As humans, we need to have the option to leave. Always. With no fault. IMHO
In toxic, abusive relationships, couples counseling is not recommended. The counseling itself can be used as a weapon towards the abused spouse.
Absolutely correct!
100% true
@@elleneebarrett5683 yep. So true.
I've heard more stories lately where therapists have seen an abused person in a dynamic, recognized it for what it is, and recommended separation. It definitely used to be the case where you were more likely to get someone who didnt understand abuse dynamics, but that appears to be shifting thankfully. Obviously it depends on the people involved.
Lived that.
The guy who is kind, caring, considerate to "woo" her - then after she is smitten, he turns Passive-Aggressive, cutting-down/criticizing the things a woman likes or her hopes/dreams for her career etc, acts cocky like he knows more then she does, is competitive with her for no reason - she feels "duped". He is no longer the man she was initially attracted to - and why would she want to keep seeing a guy who constantly puts her down/devalues her in small ways as if to chip away at her self worth to control her?
Look at and take responsibility for your own actions. He was surely an asshole,but he's not wholly responsible. I guarantee it.
I know this guy
@@jasonmiller1553 How is she responsible for his behavior? If he is being an asshole, that’s his problem. He needs to fix himself. And not by cutting others down to feel better. My husband NEVER does that. Luckily my past boyfriends’ asshole controlling behavior came out before a marriage commitment so dodged those bullets.
The solution is for women to start choosing better partners, as simple as that.
@@jasonmiller1553you don’t much know about narcissism, do you? Or do you?
I love the Gottmans. I wish I had a partner willing to open up and grow.
In a normal person and marraige, infidelity may have a precipitating 'cause,' however in a narcissist, infidelity is an intrinsic, insatiable, primal need for validation of the self.
Very early on in my relationship with my husband he was sexting women.
Im on the autism spectrum and had just moved to the biggest city in the country and so was going through a lot. And my meltdowns were hard for him to handle.
He blamed me for his internet 🛜 infidelity. (The women he was speaking to were women he had slept with in university who were still local to the city so I was and still am more inclined to call it cheating)
I did a lot of work on myself to get adjusted to my new environment, but the flirting and inappropriate messages never really stopped. He no longer needs to deal with that side of me, and it has given me more energy to fulfil my duties as his wife outside of my financial contributions. Cooking and cleaning, things of the sort. So now it’s hard for me to hold him accountable because he holds my previous struggles over my head, and reminds me “youre far from perfect so stop whining, after all I’m not sleeping with anyone. Stop invading my privacy”
To make matters worse, he doesn’t speak with me intimately the way he does with his previous intimate partners who he still maintains an online connection with, so it hurt me deeply for a long while.
I think both root causes are sometimes possible simultaneously, and that’s what makes a lot of these situations difficult to deal with.
If I tell people about my situation they’re quick to say “he’s manipulating you this isn’t your fault” but the reality is that this is a shared blame scenario.
He lacks restraint, I lacked control over my emotions.
And unfortunately, I was the only one working on the issues we had.
He watches a lot of masculinity Influencers and from my observations comparing his behaviour to what I hear his favourite saying, I think the chase is part of his masculinity as he’s come to define it in his mind. (If that is a bit convoluted, more simply put, it validates his fragile self-perceived masculinity to have many women to speak to in this manner)
It’s a bit of a pickle. I’m hoping he matures out of it because I don’t believe in divorce on principle.
But if it’s going to be an irreconcilable issue, then that may be the only option.
*marriage
So true
6🎉
Yep. . . I was with one of those for 13.5 years. . . never married him, thankfully. His recent wife died of cancer. I think that he has a dead girlfriend or two in his past, as well. I don't think that my ex purposefully harmed anyone, but I do believe that people can sicken and die from being with one of these uber-toxic creatures.
And the awesomeness continues!!! 🥇Such a gift for us! As a woman in a long term (38 years) marriage, how I found a lot of things in this episode related to us. Btw, we still walk hand in hand..😅
🥹🤯
@@MayimBialik Big hug Mayim! 🫶🏽
It was interesting when she said some women have chosen to partner with women despite not being lesbian or mostly leaning that way. I'm more attracted to men but I date women. The reason being, not many men are emotionally available. Now when I say emotionally available, men think it means them sharing their feelings. I find men are great at sharing their feelings and using me as a therapist. What I mean by emotionally available is someone who is able to listen back and not pretend care but actually have empathy and interest. This is something I find in women often but not men and it's the most important quality in a person in a relationship for me.
Why not just date men and be friends with a caring woman, since you find the trait in women often. That is what would be normal. Do you really expect people to accept the concept of having sex with someone just because they are emotionally available for you? You are making yourself sexually available to women even though you are not attracted to them, so that you can get the emotional affection you want. How is that okay?! That is perverted.
I honestly don't think you choose whether or not you end up in a happy marriage. You either get someone who is the right fit our you don't. No matter how much work you put in, it won't matter if it's the wrong person and they don't meet you halfway.
We all need to have relationship tools and skills. Many people don’t then blame the burger person.
Yes, thank you for saying it: there’s a lot of bad therapists! Especially those that are available through insurance😭
After a two year relationship that became toxic I decided to take time to avoid the rebound blindness - relationship episodes are my favorites♥️
I don't know why this suddenly popped up on my feed.
But, 13 minutes in and I realized something about myself.
🧠🫶
Mayim’s content is by far a notch above everything else found on TH-cam in terms of accuracy and quality. Her guests are always 💯
@@MayimBialikthank you for doing what you do, for articulating it the way you do. Sincerely. Listening to you allows me to be able to feel good about myself, and that’s not nothing.
There’s an epidemic of femicides and DV in developed nations like Canada, Australia, etc, we’re barely talking about it, not much is getting done to prevent it and women are still dying at an alarming rate. It should be a public health crisis in some countries but it isn’t.
There wouldn’t be *that* much unaliving and DV if there wasn’t that much familial abuse. So why aren’t we more concerned about familial abuse? It’s near impossible to be heard and believed, even as an adult… but you’re “a woman”.
Why is it so near impossible to say we were victim of a honour crime and not be ridiculed because “you’re white” and those don’t happen to ww.
I work for therapists and they all follow the Gottman method. They know their stuff!
Thank you for this podcast!
Trauma from a prior relationship has most definitely hurt my current relationship... Thank goodness he is super compassionate and patient! ❤
Mayim, you are so humble, sweet, very smart and very talented! You are a DOLL!
Amazing that you interview them! I recently watched their ted talk and really like them. I will watch this later!!! 🎉🎉🎉
ptsd from betrayal is so real, thank you for sharing this information it's so vital and validating ❤
OMG!! I grew up with a younger brother. Interesting dynamic! And learning more about healthy relationships we have to include men. At 60 I have had young men of 25-30 asking me very interesting questions from sex to girls. (My daughter’s college mates) Self care for every sex in human species is the most important. Be kind to yourself & forgive yourself as you do others.
Really interesting conversation with these two doctors and relationship experts. Much love to you Mayim! ❤
Glad you found this episode interesting! Thanks so much for sharing and for being here 🫶🧠
I think sometimes when we raise boys we do not talk to them about how to relate to a female. I think it is hard for boys to know how to relate one on one to a female, how to talk with a female, or how to be part of the emotional support and activity of a family. What is their role, it isn't just monetary support., but to be there to take part in problem solving, sharing good times and making holidays or special times a memory with the people they love. I think if they feel accepted in their own families they will want to recreate that in a future family., and they will know how to build a cohesive unit.
I think we can start by calling them “women” and not females.
I think it important that we pay attention to the messaging in our language. If we use “boys” then let’s use “girls”. Let’s not use “boys”and then swap to “females,” as I think it is part of the thinking in men that we are not fully human, but more like an animal to be tamed and dominated. Let’s use like terms?
Throwback time. I studied the Gottmans and the Love Lab during my undergrad.
Immensely grateful for everything I continually learn on this podcast!
Another episode that goes to my selected ones list at my own “Corpus Doctrinae” along with Dr. Attia, Dr. Gabor Matté, Michel Singer, David Sinclair Stephen Porges and Rabbi Steve Leder past ones!
🫶🧠
I'm glad there are so many women on this list 😅😉
This is such a lovely interview with lovely people. Peace and love my friends. ❤🙏✌️
My husband is more emotionally connected but after his parents divorce his mom married another woman and he lived with them in his teens, I guess that’s why he learned this? 🤷🏻♀️
Speaking to the idea of Pornography, I have a question regarding therapists and many books and even what is seen in Movies etc... encouraging couples to "watch Pornography together" to "help" spice up their sex life and encourage more intimacy. It seems this is poor at best advice? Pornography destroys intimacy, I would say from the answers and the study results on this topic. I would be interested in an answer. Thank you Mayim and Johnathan for the best interview I have seen yet of both Julie and John Gottman. Thank you Julie and John, such insightful and very practical guidance backed up by scientifically rigorous clinical studies and the reality of day to day therapy and the saving of so many relationships over so many decades.
You don't need to ask them this question. You are responsible for deciding for yourself what to believe, along with the advice you would give to others if asked, and it sounds like you already know the answer to your question. They could stand to take YOUR advice! They stated that pornography does not have to be destructive to the relationship if both partners enjoy it, and they are wrong. Experts are often wrong.
Did I just hear there's science behind divorce rates?! My mind is blown and humbled at the same time. I've learned recently (at work) if I feel I'm not being heard over a length of time to hear my concern from that person's perspective. So some people need to hear the same thing more than once and others need to understand the urgency of the situation. I really need to take time to understand what I need to communicate and how to send that message so it's received. Might be extra but I feel better working through conflict that otherwise doesn't get resolved
wow! this was so informative! thank you MBB! ❤
Glad you found it informative! Thanks so much for sharing and for being here 🫶🧠
I love this conversation! This episode is really interesting, thank you for talking about this topic! And she is right Mayim, you’re brilliant ❤️🧠! Great episode!
🧠🫶
I am ever grateful, Mayim and Jonathan, to your commitmemt to purposeful deep dives of life. And all the inifinite possibilites therein!
🥹🤯
Wish the interview was able to circle back to how to know when to stay or when to go when working through infidelity. But Mayim this was an excellent interview. You are so relatable and full of thoughtful questions.
THANK YOU. Yes, behavior back then was also social conditioning. It doesn't mean men can't feel or don't have emotional depth.
As a single woman I have found it hard to find a man who has any gumption And is willing to listen to his partners ideas.
I agree. Men who have learned to thread the needle between having a backbone and having a heart are one in a million. My ex-husband had a heart, but no backbone, but I was with him because I was SO scared I would end up with someone with a backbone but no heart.
This comes from not letting young boys play rough with each other, and their Father's. As John stated emotional development in both boys and girls relies heavily on the Father's play interactions.
There have been new studies that say that women were not just the gatherers but also hunters and teach hunting. The reason there was a misconception was that the researchers were men in the past and they basically brainwashed into thinking it was just the men that were hunters
Yep, anyone who could hunt may need to hunt. Male anthropologists in the early days of the field always looked at the past from their current lens, thinking that because women today aren't allowed to hunt that it must have been the same in the past.
Humans change in marriage for numerous reasons if one mate NOT committed..marriage falls apart. I had marriage 30 years and had to get divorce instead getting physically beaten up plus cheated on by productive men. I still like men but they do make me nervous. Thank you for their research!
This is a much needed topic for every person thank you, for so much wisdom.
I really like julie ! So well spoken. Great stuff❤
No matter what you say unless there is a basic connection between two people nothing you do will work.
We marry for love and not for values and common long term purpose. This cannot last on its own. Especially after kids are grown up there is nothing to keep things moving.
Beautiful couple. Such great role models for me.
Such an excellent podcast. My only critique is the title of it. I want to share it with my significant other. However, the title reads - Why women are unhappier in marriage ... the podcast is about so much more than that and the title could be alienating, particularly for men.
Kinda upsetting that your partner wouldn't listen to something important to you just because of the title. Hope they listened to it and you are doing well.
hi mayim, I'm from Brazil and I don't speak English, but I'm trying to learn, your podcast is really wonderful, you're wonderful. I'm a big fan. I admire you. 💓💞
I think if I keep praising you, this comment will get huge and it will never end. Because you are so beautiful, incredible... if there are any mistakes, sorry, I'm still learning let me introduce myself
Hellooo 🙃🛐
Thank you. Very helpful and informative. ❤
Glad you found this episode helpful! Thanks so much for sharing and for being here! 🧠🫶
Okay I'm learning a lot here n this is really great information. But I do have some advice for Mayiam about trying to communicate with your children when they have their devices and earbuds. Send them a text lol they will get a notification. Now if they are trying to ignore you on purpose, that's another story, but maybe sending them A text will give them that visual notification that you are trying to contact them. Just a thought. Anyway, I'm enjoying your conversation. Keep it up.
Also, as a parent, you can and should make rules for your family. Designate times where everyone can listen to their own media with headphones, other times when all media has to be turned off, and other times where we are all enjoying the same media. The key is not to leave it in the minor's control. Teach them that others' expectations of being able to naturally communicate with them while in their physical presence is valid and very important.
The Awesomeness that Is Continues!! 👊😎✊
All the best To you and your family 👌😆👍🍁🍁
🫶🧠
@@MayimBialik 👋😆👋🍁🍁
Drs. John & Julie are phenomenal!! I always wonder who you have to be to be fortunate enough to have therapy with one of the many great clinicians Mayim & Jonathan have on their podcast! In the cities across the Country there seems to be an abundance of people masquerading as mental health clinicians. It was enjoyable watching John & Julie.
F technology should not be used for emotional depth Why do So Many mental health counselors Only do online sessions?
I'd vote for you Mayim.. just sayin' 💞
Believe me I Did Not learn emotional regulation from my dad
Same
Their books and videos are GREAT!!
I would like to hear what they have to say about people who don't want to or like to be around other people. I'd also like to hear about anything they might know about how all this can apply to people with physical disabilities.
This is the best.
I do like this podcast and the guest but for me it comes back to two things people talking about contempt and communication. You can’t say you can predict a break up on contempt because by the point of contempt the “marriage” is already gone even if you never divorce. Contempt was never a thing in marriage until it was Way past its useful life. Its like saying you can predict death by if the person is having a heart attack. And stop saying a relationship needs communication without saying communication and compromise. You can learn to communicate better but simply hearing and knowing and understanding is different than hearing and knowing and changing. You have to value the other person enough to change after the communication. I am sure my X was 100% sure what I did not like and I him but it really boils down to no one was going to be a whole other person just to save the marriage. We did not work out because we were a poor fit we just didn’t see it for a decade.
My husband is going through his mid-life crisis at 80. 😳 His mother lived to be 102, so there's that. I'm content to be an older person living in my happy home, but he still has wander lust. I'm happy to let him travel so I get some peace and quiet, but he expects me with him 24/7. Pray for us 🤣. JK, kind of. PS I'm appreciative of your work. Thank you.
Camp for 9 days? That’s a whole different life that I lived with kids.
I also think it goes without saying that getting MORE help is always going to be beneficial for any activity, but that doesn't mean that ONLY a group of women added to raising a child would be helpful. Do you actually think if you were a single mother and suddenly had a dozen male relatives helping you raise the child the child wouldn't benefit? The gender doesn't matter as much as you want to believe it does. Men can raise children. Men can bond with children. Plenty of single fathers do a damn good job raising their children. Same for gay parents.
I was just thinking how there should be a Gottman singles app to weed out the clueless folks when it comes to true intimacy and connection. 😂😂
Like you would have to go through some kind of training to be a candidate to prove your emotional intimacy aptitude.
Maybe its not such a ridiculous idea afterall? Anyone feel me?
If you don't know what bids for connection are, swipe left! Lol
@@aawillma That’s a good one! 😂
Yeah, if you don't pass, you don't gain access to the real pool of singles. You end up only with bots.
The Gottmans are legit
Codependency is not: expressing your needs to another person. Codependency is living to fulfill the needs of other people, while divesting yourself of needs of your own. You get your identity from having other people need you. It is not healthy interdependence - it is toxic dependency. That is why it was 1st recognized in families with addiction: where an addict depends on others to take responsibility for their actions, and a family member shields them the consequences of their actions (enabling) because they depend on the addict to feel needed; they depend on others for their self-worth. They have no idea what their needs are and they do not get them met. They are not even aware of this pattern of behavior in themselves.
This is only one example of this behavior however. It disturbs me that the term has been thrown around so much that its meaning has been misinterpreted. But it is a very real pattern of behavior that hurts people. A very good book to help you understand it is: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
This is amazing.
Great insight into relationships! ❤
How to explain the Japanese? They live longer, most of them don't think they love their partners. Their marriage is a business, they know they just do their jobs.
Men do express their needs But they choose to yell/scream/berate/demean/bully & abuse.
And Mayan saying they ask too much of men…. So Wrong! If women have to work + do majority of housework + do majority of child rearing + bring in equal share of $$. Men can step up.
Listening to the researchers say men r doing better emotionally But women r still doing more! Men need to step up
OMG YES! The mental load on the woman along with the majority of child rearing, when not supported by the “hardworking” spouse causes major problems. I’ve been married for 27 years and my husband never stepped up for anything of the stereotypical “women’s work (thanks to his mommy). And he was shocked that I had an affair 14 years into our marriage. Rather than choosing to learn about this betrayal, 1) I destroyed myself to gain his forgiveness (never happened), 2) I allowed him to continue to verbally and emotionally abuse me born from his inability to express his hurt. I stay because it’s “easier” and we have the space to live separately in the house while we still have children (25 & 18) in the house. We are just ignoring the eventual actions until the kids are out. I have shut down and it works until it won’t.
Let's start a commune
Here’s my biggest issue with this whole conversation. If we use a conservative statistic that 10% of the population is narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic, and one of the main issues with these personality styles is lack of introspection, then 10% of the population lacks the ability to even develop the skills necessary to ever have a healthy, non-toxic relationship. So much of what the Gottmans discuss requires heavy introspection and ability to change behavior in order to maintain healthy relationships.
One-size-fits-all relationships rarely do.
At the start of this episode I had some many thought on ways couples could be festering their emotion and toward one another is it healthty no. Then I was reminded of someone who gets a little steaming when she might be a we bit disappointed.
What I am so astonished about is seeing heterosexual couples trying to work their relationship. I am impressed as I have never ever been able to have a good relationship with men. We are so different, and to me, it is a wonder to think how we are supposed to be in a relationship. Sorry for my honesty. I am sooooo grateful for my wife.
Have you ever tried to plug two cables together using two female connectors? Or two male ones? It’s possible with some solder, and A LOT of wasted time, but ultimately I’ve always found that it’s best to simply use both a male and a female connector when making cable connections.
@@lancewalker2595In my experience there are people who barely have half a brain to get them through life. I wonder how they don't hurt from being that stupd, but alas to each their own. 🎉
@@lancewalker2595people aren't wires
When my friend was called the B word, she responded with; than you for noticing, 😊 been practicing my whole life. That’s a perfect rebuttal.
Yikes, I'd never rebuild a relationship after being betrayed in any major way. I would lose all attraction permanently. I also don't want to invest in someone who is not worth it anyways. For me there would be no attempt to rebuild with that person, I'd move on and rebuild with someone else.
Love to listen and learn from your podcasts! Could you just clarify whether Johnathan and you are a couple (romantic) or are you just friends/colleagues?
Wouldn’t you think it’s a personal question? “Clarify” really?
Just asking, didn’t mean to be offensive!! I also don’t think it deserved such a response!
After all, the subject matter was relationship related!?
@@Nissa55574oh for Pete's sake. They're obviously fond of each other, it's natural to be curious. That response was mean-spirited and unnecessary.
@@aekelly How was I rude? By saying its a personal question?
Forced celibacy for years or decades tends to lead someone to divorce or an affair. Partners who withhold physical intimacy like this have UNREALISTIC views on what marriage and partnership is.
It’s only on your death bed that you realize, none of this sht mattered.
I’m sorry, I know this is off topic but I just “discovered” the flash mobs that took place on the set of BIG BANG THEORY, I’m so enamored with these little gems. I’ve watched all of them that TH-cam has. Could you PLEASE mention them, how that came to fruition, the practice, the fun! Anything. I knew you could dance but baby.. you killed it!! Thanks for the joy you’ve brought through your career to my life and now the wisdom you share here on this podcast. - XOXO - Miah -Aunt Fox- crosby
Oh, the ear bud thing. Drives me crazy.
TBH, I don't understand the POV of thinking that the way the earliest humans did things is the right way. They raised a child in a village, so that is the best way. Men weren't really part of raising a child, so that is the best way. I really don't get this logic. Things were done the way that was required by the situation back then. Men and women had to divide their time/roles based on what was needed. The situation is completely different in our modern times so why are we going to act like what we need is men out of the house and a village of women in the house raising our children? I just find it weird, especially because no one espousing this belief is actually doing that. It's almost said in a jokesy way but it continues to be repeated throughout different conversations like if this is a legitimate belief. The earliest way of doing ANYTHING isn't automatically the best way.
Alas, I don't have 2+ hours to watch all of this. Can someone just tell me the #1 reason they give? I wonder if it's different from what I think it is.
Gerry1of1
If you want to, you can access the transcript, with time stamps if you want to see/hear them
I don’t know where to ask questions for #AskMayimAnything #AMA, so I’m just going to post my question here:
Dear Mayim, today, I received a birthday card from a friend, which was a personalized image of Sheldon and Amy from The Big Bang Theory. I was very moved by it but it also made me wonder:
As a big fan of TBBT and MBB, I see content related to you, on a daily basis on social media. But even-though I love watching your podcast and your lives on Instagram - which makes it seem like you’re a person just like my friends in my hometown - all of this is very far away from my real life and I’m probably never going to meet you.
How do you feel about people you’re a fan of but probably are never going to meet? And how does it feel to be a celebrity, knowing that there are many people out there who would love to meet you but will never be able to?
Greetings from Germany, Jette
I have recently had to ask myself (after a major dumb action on my part) what have I recently learned about men? And the answer that comforted me is men are kids!!! They don't judge until they're forced to. Men are awesome ❤❤❤
Sarah Jessica Parker was in a movie about a guy who broke up with her because she "talked too much about the relationship instead of doing things for the relationship" or something like that then he went to Africa to be with some animals or something.
Also they're greiving the relationship that was and is no longer.
Mayim should get Jim in one of these
Men need connection just as much as women, just not in the same way. As I understand it men would be in groups as hunters and thier connection would be like a brotherhood with a shared purpose.
If a man needed help or practice the group would support him because the group benefits when everyone is doing thier part to the best of thier ability. This type of connection is missing for the majority of men in today's society. Men (and women, children, elderly) suffer from the lack of tribe /village mentality. Women need women to learn, share, confide in, support, reassure and know they will not be alone if thier man is killed. The feeling of security from the group is priceless. We have none of this is today's society. As Mayim said we all live in boxes. We are the result of generations of pushed down emotions, fears of abandonment, separated families, traumas, competitions, governments, changing/increased expectations and so much more that everyone is operating from various levels of dysregulation. It really isn't fixable unless the individual takes it upon themselves to do the work and pass it down to thier kids. Which is why I love this podcast and others like it that help get this information out there to individuals like me who are trying to heal and figure things out. The Gottman's work is amazing and priceless. I've listened to podcasts with them over and over and now I will add this episode to the mix. Thank you ❤
When Stottlemeyer had his monastic time, he found the need to take a vow of silence about his beliefs, he found his way of needing to be totally silent while off the clock. He only is activated while on the clock and on the beat, but when he needs to find a reason to regenerate and still keep focused while on the job, he never lets on the reason why he keeps going. There was a lot of "don't ask, don't tell" if it was not just constant and rigorous by the book grinding police work. How difficult is it to build a wall between the religious and ethical contributions to the motivations for enforcing the law when the huge bias against that dimension is writ large? It seems that Richard Dawkins' The Selfish Gene is just a lot of selfishness for some kind of propagation in a social Darwinist way on behalf of the watch commander and the police chief and the mayor. Where is the solid standard of ethics and good behavior? Evolution doesn't completely explain it.
The institute of marriage is not natural, it's almost supernatural.
Is that good or bad?
@@19katsandcounting l have no idea. For some it is good for others can be bad.
I stopped watching because I don’t like the commercials.
I love them and wish they were my parents. I bet they tongue kissed in front of their kids. Oozing about each other lol. My last memory of them together was them kissing and it pissed me off but made me happy at thr same time .
Everyone is replaceable. The idea there there is only one person out there for you is idiotic. Now you can make that commitment to some one, but there are many who can fill that roll. But on the other hand, if you can't make it work with X you probably can't make it worth with Y either.
I loved this interview until Mr Gottmann said porn can be a good thing. My 30+ marriage is over due a secretly porn addicted husband. He obviously cannot truly comprehend what a devastated woman goes through.
I also think people equate a man being emotional as a man being weak. And it becomes political because men in particular fear that if they make decisions based on emotion vs logic, then their decisions will be bad. Thats what I’ve heard from other men, that women would be poor political leaders if they choose to go to war because they are more emotional one day.
I think shallow feminists certainly make the equation between male emotionality and weakness… not so common in the land of the living though, pretty much everyone understands that all emotions have their place (for example, I’ve never known a man who didn’t cry when Aragorn says: “my friends… you bow to no one”).
@@lancewalker2595 Feminism doesn’t equate emotions with weakness for anyone.
It’s has been shown many times through research than men are socially conditioned not to express emotions other than anger, and it’s shown how detrimental it is to men’s health. Many times, they’re conditioned this way because they’re told not to act “like a girl” or some other words that uses femininity as an insult. That is the attitude that equates both women and emotions with weakness. Then you get the example of men claiming women can’t be good leaders, or shouldn’t be in the workforce, etc. because they’re “too emotional” which is nonsense. Feminism fights against this social conditioning, and that supports both men and women being able to express emotions in a healthy way.
@@janelane80 That "research" is ridiculous, the notion that boys are conditioned to repress all emotions EXCEPT for anger is, quite frankly, laughably absurd. Of ALL the emotions, anger is the least socially accepted emotion for a boy to express... for obvious reasons, anger is perceived as a pretext for aggression and violence, and is therefore, the MOST socially stigmatized emotion in boys. The social "sciences" are not to be trusted, the very well publicized replication crisis is more than enough to warrant at least a little bit of skepticism, but "studies" concerning boys, men, and masculinity are especially untrustworthy... one rarely needs to look very far into such studies to recognize the clear feminist bias which motivates their "research" to justify feminist presuppositions. It's actually quite funny to me that feminists, despite their emphasis on "empathy" and "lived experience", have decided that they own the right to describe and characterize the male experience regardless of what actual men and boys presume to say for themselves; they literally go so far as to assert a "standpoint epistemology", whereby women are said to possess a "dual awareness of both the oppressor's perspective, in addition to that of the oppressed perspective". Hence the reason why feminists don't care to understand the true position and perspective of men and boys, to feminism, boys and men are nothing more than oppressive obstacles to be demoralized and stepped-over in the never ending quest to "smash the patriarchy".
Uow 💞
:)
Simple issue many women don’t want to solve problems or what that would take, they want to just vent about their feelings without ever making a point, digging to the deeper issue, let alone resolve it.
You can’t have your cake and eat it to. It’s not a choice it’s acceptance of reality which is a personal responsibility. Tired of the nice lies.
I’m as emotional a man as you will find, I have empathy for all, sympathy for none. Feeling sorry for someone is worthless and pathetic.
People do what they want to do and the ones that don’t want to be self aware don’t want a friend, they want someone to do their stuff for them.
Helping people has became dangerous proposition in this country. People who don’t respect themselves also don’t respect others and now that you can’t communicate that with out a damn Jerry springers show, I’m out.
Plain & simple: When the well drys up & she has No interest, it's time to move on.
Then don't get married, because usually after the first year the well is dried and resentful!
*dries
😂@@izzydeadyet7336
sorry. male excuses are lame.
Gee, let me see🤔 Maybe because they're married to men?!!! Lol
What is your sissy date?
At 50:12, 56:50 and 01:03:07 and 1:12:44 (So basically the whole video - ) I am ready to cry. They're my couple role models and feel like I was born in the wrong time all the more than I usually do. How lovely are Drs Gottman, I'm especially fond of them and their work❤🩹.
He looks so bored when she’s talking. He’s falling asleep.
Great episode!
hi mayim, I'm from Brazil and I don't speak English, but I'm trying to learn, your podcast is really wonderful, you're wonderful. I'm a big fan. I admire you. 💓💞
I think if I keep praising you, this comment will get huge and it will never end. Because you are so beautiful, incredible... if there are any mistakes, sorry, I'm still learning let me introduce myself
Hellooo 🙃🛐