I've dated all styles, behaved all styles. I was an FA before realising my effed up ways and healing. Yes it's probably the worst. I was the toxic girlfriend, in and out, that's so unfair to do that to someone. Looking back I was so selfish and treated the other like their feelings didn't matter one bit. I was way too engulfed in my own bubble of dysfunction. The realisation hurt me so much I then stayed alone for 10 years promising myself to never hurt anyone again. My childhood was filled with fears mum was terribly hot and cold, mamma bear one moment, would hit the crap out of me the next. I never knew what mood she'd be in etc etc. I understand how I ended up that way, still it's absolutely no justification to hurt others as an adult. Our healing is our responsibility.
My ex is definitely a fearful avoidant... and knowing that now, I can understand why she did certain things... especially given that she had an abusive relationship before she met me (and also, her father is an alcoholic)... So much makes sense now. I wish I would have known this before...
Yes! 💯correct Coach Court. Terrified of being hurt and my mind will always create stories to give me an excuse to walk away and protect myself. I am working on questioning these stories and staying long enough to become vulnerable in relationships. Thank you for your sensitive and pragmatic approach 🙌🏽
Fearful avoidant here. What is actually going on when we go cold is our needs aren't being met because we are hyperventilat and can often just know what our partners need, and meet those needs. The act is not happening from there end. Often there is no recepication or consideration for our needs. Often our partners are natural takers and we are natural givers.The thing that no one ever consider is that we would, even just once in a while like to be on the receiving end of having needs met. That never happens. We fear saying what our needs are because even when we spell out, it gets overlooked. Like it's not important to them. The relationship then starts to feel onesided to us. Our partners seem to enjoy getting there needs met so much, They forget that we have needs as well. And after a while it's just too draining to continue.
This is not accurate. I am an empath. I was dating an FA and I promise you her needs were met. It didn't stop the deactivations and shut down. Not long after she left she literally had no idea why she left other than the overwhelming "feeling of needing to get as far away as possible". When I asked her what needs weren't met she said she was sure there must have been some, she just couldn't remember exactly what it was "but there must have been for me to want to leave". The truth is - unconditional love made her leave as she has never experienced it. She has 3 brothers, so 4 siblings total. None have a stable loving relationship. None have had ANY long-term relationships as adults. None are happy in themselves. 2 have children but are not with the child's parent. You think this is because all of them are dating people who are not meeting their needs? They don't even know what they need so it's not possible to meet those needs. Until they start to heal it's going to be extremely difficult to have a successful relationship. If they do not know they are FA they have likely been like this since birth so it's going to be extremely tough.
Thank you! 5:30 how to work on becoming a secure attachment 1. move slowly into a relationship. Don't rush into things and exit just as quickly. 2. don't lovebomb 3. Don't overpromise. Don't promise committment 4. learn about each other 5. when things get more scary, pause things. Be mindful: where is this fear coming from? where did I pick up this fear from? 7:32 be present and mindful of your fears for 21 days. Check on them on a daily basis at a healthy pace.
Omg! This makes sooooo much sense about someone I know!!!!! Divorced several times. I’m trying to understand and I give him LOTS of space…. He won’t contact for weeks, then out of the blue, a “miss you “ text appears. I’m like , “WTH”????
Ahhhh.... this explains a lot with my last man friend. I could tell he's a real sweetheart. When we were great WE WERE GREAT!! Then out of the blue he'd disappear. I remember asking what that was about and he said he didn't know but that he just does that to everyone. I didn't ask him to stop. I just asked him if he could just say "I need space." I didn't mind doing my thing while he was doing whatever. Needless to say, he didn't do that. It's been 3 months since we last spoke. I miss him of course but I'll be ok. THIS I KNOW. 🙂
@@sunnypie2 He came back around in October of last year. Things were going great and he did it again. We haven't spoken in 8 months now and I don't want to do another round with him. Regardless of the why, this crap is toxic.
@@blacksongbird100 thank you for the update. I don’t blame you for not trying again. It’s like a failure to launch scenario to me. He’s not giving the opportunity to screw up. So he just ends it before something happens. Anything. Leaving when it’s good than bad. It sucks either way. It’s a shame really. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. You’re kind to give him the first round and I hope you find someone who brings you happiness
@@sunnypie2 Yeah. Very sad. It baffles me but you can't make a person be ready no matter how badly you want things to work. Awww... thank you. I hope the same for you. 🥰
Do you think it’s possible to be anxious in romantic relationships but avoidant in platonic friendships? I find myself relating pretty strongly to anxious/preoccupied attachment when it comes to a significant other, but very much avoidant in all other relationships (whether it be friends, parents, siblings, etc.). Or is this “mix” just fearful avoidant altogether?
It depends on the other person. If the other person is more anxiously attached then you might become more avoidant because you’re not comfortable with the fact someone else actually wants to be close to you and cares. If the other person is more avoidant then you might become more anxiously attached since you’re worried about abandonment. This is with any relationship. That’s why fearful avoidants have a hard time with relationships.
My bf is clearly a fearful avoidant hes all over the place everytime we get close he goes cold on me like a light switch. He would talk about our future then get distant.
This is me to the tee. Is this attachment style also called Disorganized Coach? I grew up in a often terrifying household that was completely dysfunctional.
My FA ex girlfriend fits all this, she broke up with me almost three weeks ago because she told me I deserve better, and she doesn’t feel worthy of my love.... 😔 I agreed with her and said goodbye and went into No Contact... she’s reached out a few times to return things to me... she’s wanting to come over this weekend to give me the rest of my stuff. I don’t know if I should even try to see her or just tell her to put it on my porch? I’m trying to heal and move on. I told her if she feels like she might want to try again or reconcile to talk to me. But if not I would be moving on... we said we “goodnight, I love you” every night for a year and half and now she’s gone. Sucks I miss her a lot, things were soooo good in the beginning, then her FA side kicked in. Idk what to do?
My FA ex reached out last night via text, asked if I’m willing to meet and talk been 3- months no contact with her. I hope she’s feeling more secure in herself now that she’s taken time to work out her past trauma. I love her and hope it can work this time, but I’m okay if we have to say goodbye, don’t want to regret a last chance.
Hey coach Court ! Thank you so much for making these amazing videos ! I have one particular question, so fearful avoidants love bomb and make big promises in the beginning as well ? (i was really surprised to hear this ! but it actually makes sense..) i thought these things you said are only applied to describe narcissists & people with borderline and it's giving me a nightmare but is it possible that FA's love bomb and make big promises since the beginning then become flakey? (and manage to come back every time then start being flakey again?)
If only all the guys who have unsuccessfully tried to be with me could refer to this and understand of the shit we FA’s go through. Instead, they have downplayed my feelings and dismissed me when I tell them about my attachment style. Then they wonder why I’m so quick to comfortably cut them off. They legit be surprised & shocked when I tell them I no longer have no interest in dating them 😅
Really? I'm essentially what you said...being premature is a factor...? I keep looking back into my past and wonder where and how but nothing comes up other than bullying, me not sharing my issues with people, not trusting them.
As someone dating a fearful avoidant, it makes me really sad to hear you refer to the fearful avoidant as the "worst" attachment style, especially as I know how much the knowledge/burden of being fearful avoidant impacts my partner to begin with. I get what you're saying, but using language like this can be extremely damaging to someone's morale who is suffering with fearful avoidance. I'm honestly a bit surprised to see a self-proclaimed professional like yourself using language like this. Using language such as "fearful avoidance can be the most challenging" would be much more positive in my opinion. Just a thought!
But he ain’t wrong though. Sometimes you just gotta call a spade for what it is. I know they don’t know what they are doing, but they are so damaging towards their loved one at the end. And I hate them for it. I recommend steering clear of people with FA. No matter how attractive they are STEER CLEAR! They will break your heart and treat you like you are nothing when they disconnect... Two major red flags if you start dating one... They will absolutely love bomb you from the beginning. They will make you feel you are the best thing that happened to them ever. They will give you some of the best sex ever also. Major red flag. This will only last in the honeymoon phase. Second red flag. They will very early on share you their darkest secrets. Typically past relationships where they had to struggle and overcome an abusing ex. They use this tactic so that you will feel sorry but also impressed that they got out. And you will feel an urge to be a great protector for them. If you encounter these two things then RUN!!! They will act wonderful during honeymoon phase. 2-4 months. Once that is over they go cold. Because maybe you triggered something they can’t explain. Then suddenly they are extremely busy with work etc and hardly ever have time to see you. They become very slow at answering texts, claiming they were busy. And if you ask them if everything is alright they will just say everything is fine. At that point it is too late. They are already fulfilling exit strategy. And suddenly they are gone and they ghost you and behave like they never knew you. In my opinion they are the worst partners you can get, slightly below a narcissist. Because at the end phase they show similar traits like the narcissist. They are extremely damaging to your mental health. Because they just leave you with mio of questions unanswered. What did you do wrong? Why not talk to fix this? What happened to them? And you will blame and doubt your abilities and get deeply depressed, some even suicidal... And they don’t care about your feelings. You are nothing to them at this point. If you die they couldn’t care less. Because they blame you for making them feel insecure... Even though you did nothing wrong most likely. They don’t even know themselves what you did. They are just reliving past memories and blaming them on you. Stay away from them. 99.9% they will rip your heart out and smash it. Trust me they are not worth the heartache and trouble..
Or they stay away from romantic relationships 'cos they believe they are not made for relationships and function better alone (that's actually kinda true, considering that they don't have all that inside turmoil when alone)
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I've dated all styles, behaved all styles. I was an FA before realising my effed up ways and healing. Yes it's probably the worst. I was the toxic girlfriend, in and out, that's so unfair to do that to someone. Looking back I was so selfish and treated the other like their feelings didn't matter one bit. I was way too engulfed in my own bubble of dysfunction. The realisation hurt me so much I then stayed alone for 10 years promising myself to never hurt anyone again. My childhood was filled with fears mum was terribly hot and cold, mamma bear one moment, would hit the crap out of me the next. I never knew what mood she'd be in etc etc. I understand how I ended up that way, still it's absolutely no justification to hurt others as an adult. Our healing is our responsibility.
My ex is definitely a fearful avoidant... and knowing that now, I can understand why she did certain things... especially given that she had an abusive relationship before she met me (and also, her father is an alcoholic)... So much makes sense now. I wish I would have known this before...
It's cool that you're open to exploring that!
Maybe it's not too late?
Exactly the same with my ex.
Yes! 💯correct Coach Court. Terrified of being hurt and my mind will always create stories to give me an excuse to walk away and protect myself.
I am working on questioning these stories and staying long enough to become vulnerable in relationships. Thank you for your sensitive and pragmatic approach 🙌🏽
Mermaid Wishes 🙏🏾❤️
Fearful avoidant here. What is actually going on when we go cold is our needs aren't being met because we are hyperventilat and can often just know what our partners need, and meet those needs. The act is not happening from there end. Often there is no recepication or consideration for our needs. Often our partners are natural takers and we are natural givers.The thing that no one ever consider is that we would, even just once in a while like to be on the receiving end of having needs met. That never happens. We fear saying what our needs are because even when we spell out, it gets overlooked. Like it's not important to them. The relationship then starts to feel onesided to us. Our partners seem to enjoy getting there needs met so much, They forget that we have needs as well. And after a while it's just too draining to continue.
This is not accurate.
I am an empath. I was dating an FA and I promise you her needs were met. It didn't stop the deactivations and shut down. Not long after she left she literally had no idea why she left other than the overwhelming "feeling of needing to get as far away as possible". When I asked her what needs weren't met she said she was sure there must have been some, she just couldn't remember exactly what it was "but there must have been for me to want to leave".
The truth is - unconditional love made her leave as she has never experienced it.
She has 3 brothers, so 4 siblings total.
None have a stable loving relationship. None have had ANY long-term relationships as adults. None are happy in themselves. 2 have children but are not with the child's parent. You think this is because all of them are dating people who are not meeting their needs? They don't even know what they need so it's not possible to meet those needs. Until they start to heal it's going to be extremely difficult to have a successful relationship. If they do not know they are FA they have likely been like this since birth so it's going to be extremely tough.
If only, that was the issue with FA's lol.
Bingo!!!
That's part of it, but definitely yall have more issues than that
Thank you!
5:30 how to work on becoming a secure attachment
1. move slowly into a relationship. Don't rush into things and exit just as quickly.
2. don't lovebomb
3. Don't overpromise. Don't promise committment
4. learn about each other
5. when things get more scary, pause things. Be mindful: where is this fear coming from? where did I pick up this fear from?
7:32 be present and mindful of your fears for 21 days. Check on them on a daily basis at a healthy pace.
Thank you for bringing clarity, i am FA and im recognizing how damaging this can be in relationship with friends, family and romantic partners.
Omg! This makes sooooo much sense about someone I know!!!!! Divorced several times. I’m trying to understand and I give him LOTS of space…. He won’t contact for weeks, then out of the blue, a “miss you “ text appears. I’m like , “WTH”????
🤷🏾♂️
Dating an FA is like a light switch. On and great then instantly off and ditched 🤦🏼
Tiring relationship
I'm in a relationship with one its a Rollercoaster
They make their own nightmares come true
Ahhhh.... this explains a lot with my last man friend. I could tell he's a real sweetheart. When we were great WE WERE GREAT!! Then out of the blue he'd disappear. I remember asking what that was about and he said he didn't know but that he just does that to everyone. I didn't ask him to stop. I just asked him if he could just say "I need space." I didn't mind doing my thing while he was doing whatever. Needless to say, he didn't do that. It's been 3 months since we last spoke. I miss him of course but I'll be ok. THIS I KNOW. 🙂
Update?
@@sunnypie2 He came back around in October of last year. Things were going great and he did it again. We haven't spoken in 8 months now and I don't want to do another round with him. Regardless of the why, this crap is toxic.
@@blacksongbird100 thank you for the update. I don’t blame you for not trying again. It’s like a failure to launch scenario to me. He’s not giving the opportunity to screw up. So he just ends it before something happens. Anything. Leaving when it’s good than bad. It sucks either way. It’s a shame really. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. You’re kind to give him the first round and I hope you find someone who brings you happiness
@@sunnypie2 Yeah. Very sad. It baffles me but you can't make a person be ready no matter how badly you want things to work.
Awww... thank you. I hope the same for you. 🥰
Hi my mom has OCD ....i have high functioning anxiety ....which has caused me to a fearful avoidant 🤧
Very helpful and insightful video Coach Court!
Do you think it’s possible to be anxious in romantic relationships but avoidant in platonic friendships? I find myself relating pretty strongly to anxious/preoccupied attachment when it comes to a significant other, but very much avoidant in all other relationships (whether it be friends, parents, siblings, etc.). Or is this “mix” just fearful avoidant altogether?
Yes. You can be secure in friendships, anxious in the romantic!
It depends on the other person. If the other person is more anxiously attached then you might become more avoidant because you’re not comfortable with the fact someone else actually wants to be close to you and cares. If the other person is more avoidant then you might become more anxiously attached since you’re worried about abandonment. This is with any relationship. That’s why fearful avoidants have a hard time with relationships.
My bf is clearly a fearful avoidant hes all over the place everytime we get close he goes cold on me like a light switch. He would talk about our future then get distant.
This is me to the tee. Is this attachment style also called Disorganized Coach? I grew up in a often terrifying household that was completely dysfunctional.
Yes. This is also known as the disorganized!
My FA ex girlfriend fits all this, she broke up with me almost three weeks ago because she told me I deserve better, and she doesn’t feel worthy of my love.... 😔 I agreed with her and said goodbye and went into No Contact... she’s reached out a few times to return things to me... she’s wanting to come over this weekend to give me the rest of my stuff. I don’t know if I should even try to see her or just tell her to put it on my porch? I’m trying to heal and move on. I told her if she feels like she might want to try again or reconcile to talk to me. But if not I would be moving on... we said we “goodnight, I love you” every night for a year and half and now she’s gone. Sucks I miss her a lot, things were soooo good in the beginning, then her FA side kicked in. Idk what to do?
Got her the break up and find the person who didn’t rely on a “I love you” every night again.
@@IamCoachCourt ? “Give Her the break up? How do you mean coach?
@@kicksalot9943 email me.
Courtney@fruitfulseedz.com
My FA ex reached out last night via text, asked if I’m willing to meet and talk been 3- months no contact with her. I hope she’s feeling more secure in herself now that she’s taken time to work out her past trauma. I love her and hope it can work this time, but I’m okay if we have to say goodbye, don’t want to regret a last chance.
@@kicksalot9943 Hi. Can you please report what happened past 6 months?Thank you !
Hey coach Court ! Thank you so much for making these amazing videos ! I have one particular question, so fearful avoidants love bomb and make big promises in the beginning as well ? (i was really surprised to hear this ! but it actually makes sense..) i thought these things you said are only applied to describe narcissists & people with borderline and it's giving me a nightmare but is it possible that FA's love bomb and make big promises since the beginning then become flakey? (and manage to come back every time then start being flakey again?)
Thank you for this!
Very good insight
Thanks coach
If only all the guys who have unsuccessfully tried to be with me could refer to this and understand of the shit we FA’s go through. Instead, they have downplayed my feelings and dismissed me when I tell them about my attachment style. Then they wonder why I’m so quick to comfortably cut them off. They legit be surprised & shocked when I tell them I no longer have no interest in dating them 😅
Sounds like you want for others to understand your style and adapt to it in order for you to get better. That's the job of a therapist.
People who were premature babies can also be FA even though their parents were loving.
😧I knew it!!
Really? I'm essentially what you said...being premature is a factor...? I keep looking back into my past and wonder where and how but nothing comes up other than bullying, me not sharing my issues with people, not trusting them.
makes sense, separated at birth for a while is traumatic.
💗💗💗 this video!!
🙌🏾🙌🏾
As someone dating a fearful avoidant, it makes me really sad to hear you refer to the fearful avoidant as the "worst" attachment style, especially as I know how much the knowledge/burden of being fearful avoidant impacts my partner to begin with. I get what you're saying, but using language like this can be extremely damaging to someone's morale who is suffering with fearful avoidance. I'm honestly a bit surprised to see a self-proclaimed professional like yourself using language like this. Using language such as "fearful avoidance can be the most challenging" would be much more positive in my opinion. Just a thought!
Amanda Bulmer you’re absolutely right Amanda. I received some backlash over that a draw months back and I thought I changed the way I phrased it 🤔
@@IamCoachCourt It's great you acknowledge it! Thanks :)
AKB I know I know that I always have room for growth! 🌱
@Bryan Creecy you're not only a robot account, but a terrible "friend" lol
But he ain’t wrong though. Sometimes you just gotta call a spade for what it is. I know they don’t know what they are doing, but they are so damaging towards their loved one at the end. And I hate them for it.
I recommend steering clear of people with FA. No matter how attractive they are STEER CLEAR! They will break your heart and treat you like you are nothing when they disconnect... Two major red flags if you start dating one...
They will absolutely love bomb you from the beginning. They will make you feel you are the best thing that happened to them ever.
They will give you some of the best sex ever also. Major red flag. This will only last in the honeymoon phase.
Second red flag. They will very early on share you their darkest secrets. Typically past relationships where they had to struggle and overcome an abusing ex. They use this tactic so that you will feel sorry but also impressed that they got out. And you will feel an urge to be a great protector for them.
If you encounter these two things then RUN!!!
They will act wonderful during honeymoon phase. 2-4 months. Once that is over they go cold. Because maybe you triggered something they can’t explain. Then suddenly they are extremely busy with work etc and hardly ever have time to see you. They become very slow at answering texts, claiming they were busy. And if you ask them if everything is alright they will just say everything is fine.
At that point it is too late. They are already fulfilling exit strategy.
And suddenly they are gone and they ghost you and behave like they never knew you.
In my opinion they are the worst partners you can get, slightly below a narcissist. Because at the end phase they show similar traits like the narcissist.
They are extremely damaging to your mental health. Because they just leave you with mio of questions unanswered. What did you do wrong? Why not talk to fix this? What happened to them? And you will blame and doubt your abilities and get deeply depressed, some even suicidal... And they don’t care about your feelings. You are nothing to them at this point. If you die they couldn’t care less. Because they blame you for making them feel insecure... Even though you did nothing wrong most likely. They don’t even know themselves what you did. They are just reliving past memories and blaming them on you.
Stay away from them. 99.9% they will rip your heart out and smash it.
Trust me they are not worth the heartache and trouble..
Any ties between cptsd and fearful avoidance?
I just put that together today too
Huge tie! I’m pretty sure the majority of people with fearful-avoidant have CPTSD. I am one of them.
Or they stay away from romantic relationships 'cos they believe they are not made for relationships and function better alone (that's actually kinda true, considering that they don't have all that inside turmoil when alone)
Mine seems ready to leave me.
I think he is tired of me. Is that an avoidant fearful
Men don't want anything slow
Sounds like me lol
Fear a Fearful Avoidant… or you will end up living in Fear - of everything and anything.