The blame, the shame, and the fear of going insane. Yes, that thing is a thing. A thing. Not all things. Where shall I put it? Shall I? Safety, space and time. Yes. Relieved to hear you're continuing your vlog.
Gosh this is so good. And so relatable. I am in this stage myself right now. So many of your words, word choices, carefully deliberate descriptions help me to verbally explain my own experience/evolution of feelings in a way I was having difficulty doing. I'm the "holy moly the cicadas were so loud in the last vid" lady, our ages and autism discovery timeline/journey/stages are very synced, it is so beneficial to me to hear the way you describe the things I'm also discovering and trying to verbalize, to give specific sentiment and vocabulary to the things that I have/am experiencing. Gosh. Just.... Thank you so much!!! TH-camr Mom On The Spectrum spends quite a bit of video time on the mental/life/healing/health benefits of having VOCABULARY to describe this journey. At the very beginning of my discovery journey I heard Paul Micallef of Autism From The Inside describe how he moves his upper body and shoulders because they feel like someone else's, ME TOO/SAME REASON, I could * finally * put that mind-spinning-obsessing-struggle to rest because I had a set of words to describe it now! Your channels and others like this are soooo beneficial!! Anyway, it's uncanny how aligned our journeys are, so much so that I feel like I've had a really great therapy session or break through while/after watching your content. I wonder if it is a "typical" journey that could be outlined and provided to those newly diagnosed to kinda give them a compass, of what to kind of expect... kinda like having a general understanding of the 5 stages of grief is beneficial. I know that would be really inappropriate for so many of us, and in so many ways, so I'm not sure how that would work, I sure don't want to be that jerk that presumes everyone's journey is like mine, or that the self-discovery of it all isn't a necessary and significant part of the beneficial healing part of the journey. This thought is coming from a place of wanting people to have an easier go of it. Okay I'll move on from that thought... For me, finally having a word, "autism" to apply to my 46 years of undiagnosed autistic life, and implementing it, has been like the 5 stages of grief meets a 12 step program - so much so that I think you should write a book about the life stages of late-diagnosed autism. Your ability to organize your thoughts and words and convey them so carefully and succinctly. Gosh. And you already have all the chapters created through this channel! Oh gosh I'm pre-ordering now hahhaaa ❤ Thanks for this and for reassuring us that the channel will go on! Congrats on your "you-ness"! 🎉
Thank you so much for your feedback and I'm so glad the vlog is helpful to you. I've been wanting to get this video made for a while now as I too was annoyed by the cicadas in the last video and your comment was going through my head (in an encouraging way). So now it's done. I sometimes feel like writing a book about this and sometimes don't. I'm currently in a stage of deep recovery and integration from what has been a rather tricky life thus far. Tricky but not without its wins, privileges and fun of course - possibly like everyone else's. I can't afford to push myself too hard at this stage but knowing the vlogs have some merit and benefit on their own is heartwarming and may always be enough, I don't yet know. I occasionally watch other content creators like those you've mentioned above and agree, there's a lot we can learn by listening to each other and by sharing. That said, watching others generally leaves me feeling 'no, that's not quite right for me' which is understandable on one level as no two people are exactly the same, but it also feeds into a trauma wound I have around being constantly gas-lit and invalidated. So that's why telling my own story is something I don't so much WANT to do as HAVE to do for my own mental and physical health. So I'll continue and will be forever grateful people like yourself stop by and share with me too. Thank you again
So helpful. I’m also experiencing the knowledge that I am almost definitely autistic and ADHD at 49, as a visiral experience, permeating my being. It feels like a process of embodying truth. Processing this is not cognitive, it’s deeper than that. I hope to get my official diagnosis over the next few months but it’s definitely a process of healing and identity shift that feels authentic but childlike at the same time. My inner child is showing up every day, I’m remembering my intense interests and loneliness that developed from feeling different as a child and teenager. I like the feelings wheel but I have Alexithymia so although I feel things very deeply I can’t identify what the emotion is. I’ve been masking this too by guessing when I’m with someone, to feel normal.
I couldn't identify my feelings until recently either due to a number of factors. It's definitely got easier with practice though. I've had to learn that being in my body is safe and not to dissociate. That's been hard but worth it. I don't know if I've got alexithymea but I do know I both under and over 'feel' things across my body so light touch on my skin is super awful and I can't tolerate it while I can almost break my legs and not feel a thing. I'm sure that hasn't helped me build emotional intelligence. Best of luck on your journey x
17:50 oh my heavens this sounds exactly like me!!! In my video I posted today I shared about being pretty sure I'm autistic but I just cannot afford a diagnosis!!! 😳
That level of exhaustion is completely discombobulating to me - very disabling. Being officially diagnosed is definitely something that has helped me accept myself and I can't lie, self-diagnosis would have felt like gas-lighting for me. That said, I know it feels empowering for others and then there are many of us in the community who don't get the opportunity to explore diagnosis. I would have adapted if I was in that latter bracket - always with a fear in the back of my mind that I might be wrong but I know I'd have gone with the 'treat yourself like you are autistic and see how that goes' as I have done that for other family members and it's helped. In short, I have great empathy for your current situation and wish you all the best.
Obviously people have heard about echolalia, well known autistic trait, but I believe the word is "echolagia" for when you have repeating thoughts like they're stuck. Probably what you described as "ear worms". Btw. seeing and hearing the Australian spring/summer makes me jealous. Would very much like to trade the boring gray 7°C Danish weather for that right now. Hoping I can say the same, in 3½ years, that I've integrated the new reality, I only got diagnosed 3-4 months ago at the age of 41, so while I talk about it every now and then, I still can't explain to people what's going on. Like demand avoidance.
It is beautiful here at this time of year- before the searing heat hits! Thanks for your comment and yes maybe it is echolalia - I hear this in my head like they were in reality, like I've recorded it. Best of luck on your journey also
I am kind of wondering what is happening to me. I am 67 years old. A couple of years ago got a diagnosis of Autism. At first a bit nervous as to what it might bring up but mostly ok. Recently have been going through very weird state of mind very much linked to the past. Some strong alienation from society, not being able to do stuff that one should do tasks and work. Some strange comparisons with others as if I am even a sickly substance and horrible and no good. These are memories from decades ago. I can’t believe they would be this strong. As such I am finding hard to accept that I felt so bad as a child and in the past just because of not fitting in. Also there were other traumas as a child such as accidents and stuff so I wonder what is the cause or do they overlap. Even though I was sent to child guidance as a child because of other functioning problems. I have become scared that I might see myself in a way that was stigmatising as in when people used the word retard. As if I might see myself as traumatically alien and become ill by it. However contacting and mixing with other Autistic people is balancing it out because of course we are all human. I even feel strong love for them. I am concerned that something is coming out from my unconscious which is my past sickly substance self. Last night I was thinking have I made the right decision getting a diagnosis. Could it make me ill. I am backward and horrible even if I have 3 degrees and other stuff. I am working on it though.
Hello and thank you for sharing what sounds like a really difficult situation for you. Diagnosis brought up a lot of things for me too. It's hard to process things you don't understand so once these thoughts and feelings have a tangible framework, they bubble to to the surface. It's possible this new way of understanding the world could 'make you ill' - is likely there's some grief to sift through and maybe trauma too. Sifting through these doesn't immediately cause mental illness but being overwhelmed by it and unsupported through it can. I'd say it's going to help to have someone who you can talk to about these things. Sounds like you really did carry a lot of fear and possibly shame around your sense of self when you were younger. That's understandable and totally untrue x
The blame, the shame, and the fear of going insane. Yes, that thing is a thing. A thing. Not all things. Where shall I put it? Shall I? Safety, space and time. Yes. Relieved to hear you're continuing your vlog.
Gosh this is so good. And so relatable. I am in this stage myself right now. So many of your words, word choices, carefully deliberate descriptions help me to verbally explain my own experience/evolution of feelings in a way I was having difficulty doing.
I'm the "holy moly the cicadas were so loud in the last vid" lady, our ages and autism discovery timeline/journey/stages are very synced, it is so beneficial to me to hear the way you describe the things I'm also discovering and trying to verbalize, to give specific sentiment and vocabulary to the things that I have/am experiencing. Gosh. Just.... Thank you so much!!!
TH-camr Mom On The Spectrum spends quite a bit of video time on the mental/life/healing/health benefits of having VOCABULARY to describe this journey. At the very beginning of my discovery journey I heard Paul Micallef of Autism From The Inside describe how he moves his upper body and shoulders because they feel like someone else's, ME TOO/SAME REASON, I could * finally * put that mind-spinning-obsessing-struggle to rest because I had a set of words to describe it now! Your channels and others like this are soooo beneficial!!
Anyway, it's uncanny how aligned our journeys are, so much so that I feel like I've had a really great therapy session or break through while/after watching your content. I wonder if it is a "typical" journey that could be outlined and provided to those newly diagnosed to kinda give them a compass, of what to kind of expect... kinda like having a general understanding of the 5 stages of grief is beneficial. I know that would be really inappropriate for so many of us, and in so many ways, so I'm not sure how that would work, I sure don't want to be that jerk that presumes everyone's journey is like mine, or that the self-discovery of it all isn't a necessary and significant part of the beneficial healing part of the journey. This thought is coming from a place of wanting people to have an easier go of it. Okay I'll move on from that thought...
For me, finally having a word, "autism" to apply to my 46 years of undiagnosed autistic life, and implementing it, has been like the 5 stages of grief meets a 12 step program - so much so that I think you should write a book about the life stages of late-diagnosed autism. Your ability to organize your thoughts and words and convey them so carefully and succinctly. Gosh. And you already have all the chapters created through this channel!
Oh gosh I'm pre-ordering now hahhaaa ❤
Thanks for this and for reassuring us that the channel will go on! Congrats on your "you-ness"! 🎉
Thank you so much for your feedback and I'm so glad the vlog is helpful to you. I've been wanting to get this video made for a while now as I too was annoyed by the cicadas in the last video and your comment was going through my head (in an encouraging way). So now it's done. I sometimes feel like writing a book about this and sometimes don't. I'm currently in a stage of deep recovery and integration from what has been a rather tricky life thus far. Tricky but not without its wins, privileges and fun of course - possibly like everyone else's. I can't afford to push myself too hard at this stage but knowing the vlogs have some merit and benefit on their own is heartwarming and may always be enough, I don't yet know. I occasionally watch other content creators like those you've mentioned above and agree, there's a lot we can learn by listening to each other and by sharing. That said, watching others generally leaves me feeling 'no, that's not quite right for me' which is understandable on one level as no two people are exactly the same, but it also feeds into a trauma wound I have around being constantly gas-lit and invalidated. So that's why telling my own story is something I don't so much WANT to do as HAVE to do for my own mental and physical health. So I'll continue and will be forever grateful people like yourself stop by and share with me too. Thank you again
So helpful. I’m also experiencing the knowledge that I am almost definitely autistic and ADHD at 49, as a visiral experience, permeating my being. It feels like a process of embodying truth. Processing this is not cognitive, it’s deeper than that. I hope to get my official diagnosis over the next few months but it’s definitely a process of healing and identity shift that feels authentic but childlike at the same time. My inner child is showing up every day, I’m remembering my intense interests and loneliness that developed from feeling different as a child and teenager. I like the feelings wheel but I have Alexithymia so although I feel things very deeply I can’t identify what the emotion is. I’ve been masking this too by guessing when I’m with someone, to feel normal.
I couldn't identify my feelings until recently either due to a number of factors. It's definitely got easier with practice though. I've had to learn that being in my body is safe and not to dissociate. That's been hard but worth it. I don't know if I've got alexithymea but I do know I both under and over 'feel' things across my body so light touch on my skin is super awful and I can't tolerate it while I can almost break my legs and not feel a thing. I'm sure that hasn't helped me build emotional intelligence. Best of luck on your journey x
17:50 oh my heavens this sounds exactly like me!!! In my video I posted today I shared about being pretty sure I'm autistic but I just cannot afford a diagnosis!!! 😳
That level of exhaustion is completely discombobulating to me - very disabling. Being officially diagnosed is definitely something that has helped me accept myself and I can't lie, self-diagnosis would have felt like gas-lighting for me. That said, I know it feels empowering for others and then there are many of us in the community who don't get the opportunity to explore diagnosis. I would have adapted if I was in that latter bracket - always with a fear in the back of my mind that I might be wrong but I know I'd have gone with the 'treat yourself like you are autistic and see how that goes' as I have done that for other family members and it's helped. In short, I have great empathy for your current situation and wish you all the best.
thanks for letting us walk with you. would love to know what your most helpful resources are/were.
Obviously people have heard about echolalia, well known autistic trait, but I believe the word is "echolagia" for when you have repeating thoughts like they're stuck. Probably what you described as "ear worms".
Btw. seeing and hearing the Australian spring/summer makes me jealous. Would very much like to trade the boring gray 7°C Danish weather for that right now.
Hoping I can say the same, in 3½ years, that I've integrated the new reality, I only got diagnosed 3-4 months ago at the age of 41, so while I talk about it every now and then, I still can't explain to people what's going on. Like demand avoidance.
It is beautiful here at this time of year- before the searing heat hits! Thanks for your comment and yes maybe it is echolalia - I hear this in my head like they were in reality, like I've recorded it. Best of luck on your journey also
I am kind of wondering what is happening to me. I am 67 years old. A couple of years ago got a diagnosis of Autism. At first a bit nervous as to what it might bring up but mostly ok. Recently have been going through very weird state of mind very much linked to the past. Some strong alienation from society, not being able to do stuff that one should do tasks and work. Some strange comparisons with others as if I am even a sickly substance and horrible and no good. These are memories from decades ago. I can’t believe they would be this strong. As such I am finding hard to accept that I felt so bad as a child and in the past just because of not fitting in. Also there were other traumas as a child such as accidents and stuff so I wonder what is the cause or do they overlap. Even though I was sent to child guidance as a child because of other functioning problems.
I have become scared that I might see myself in a way that was stigmatising as in when people used the word retard. As if I might see myself as traumatically alien and become ill by it. However contacting and mixing with other Autistic people is balancing it out because of course we are all human. I even feel strong love for them.
I am concerned that something is coming out from my unconscious which is my past sickly substance self. Last night I was thinking have I made the right decision getting a diagnosis. Could it make me ill. I am backward and horrible even if I have 3 degrees and other stuff. I am working on it though.
Hello and thank you for sharing what sounds like a really difficult situation for you. Diagnosis brought up a lot of things for me too. It's hard to process things you don't understand so once these thoughts and feelings have a tangible framework, they bubble to to the surface. It's possible this new way of understanding the world could 'make you ill' - is likely there's some grief to sift through and maybe trauma too. Sifting through these doesn't immediately cause mental illness but being overwhelmed by it and unsupported through it can. I'd say it's going to help to have someone who you can talk to about these things. Sounds like you really did carry a lot of fear and possibly shame around your sense of self when you were younger. That's understandable and totally untrue x
@ Thanks Hi yes shame around sense of self is coming in strong although not all the time. I have a therapist at the moment and also working on myself.