Let me know: how good do you think you are at sitting with emotional discomfort, especially when it comes to your loved ones? For tips on growth, download the guide: www.terricole.com/the-key-to-growth-recovery-for-high-functioning-codependents-guide AND make sure to order TOO MUCH: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, because it's out TODAY 🙌🙌
Wow Terri, you are getting better every day (hope it’s okay to say that). I just bought the book. Excited to think I could learn something so vital so late in life. Much 💚. 🥵
YES! You hit the mail right on the head! My daughter’s “pain” (no matter how big or small) causes me pain, and I need to fix it to be rid of my pain! Ugh….
Allowing ourselves to sit with distress allows our loved ones to sit with their distress. Just being with them in that moment with as less words as possible is the highest act of compassion. There’s nothing that needs fixing in those moments. That “fixing” stems from not necessarily a desire to make their pain go away but to make our own dissipate. We have the best of intentions but they often backfire if we lack the ability to develop presence in those tough moments. It’s no easy feat obviously. I’m practicing this everyday with my daughter and it’s the hardest thing, but I keep going. I also recommend you check out Irene Lyon. She looks at this from a nervous system perspective and I believe it’s been the missing link in this journey of healing. Terri Cole is also great of course! Keep up the good work!
I come from a large family where the kids were never seen or heard. We were all very good kids and only when we needed to be beat up for something insignificant we were given attention. We all developed different coping mechanisms to belong. We love each other so much but it’s so difficult to be together because we never learned to listen or patience. I’ve learned so much from you on YT just from a few videos. I wish I could show them your work but it’s such a minefield when they are not prepared to hear where most of our pain and triggers come from. Thank you 🙏 ❤
This is an epiphany for me. ❤Thank you, Terri, for literally shining a light on what 2as so hidden in my life and yet so apparent now that you've highlighted it. That I need to take a step back in each and every thing that I do. I'm definitely getting the book.
I watched you on Maria Menounos podcast, I’m watching u again, and again. I’ve been looking for the answer that I found in your programs for such a long time! It pains me that 50 years, minus the years when I was a little child, I mostly lived for the others, would get exhausted, lash out, not talk to people, get some energy back and would go back to the same cycle. Thank u so much for teaching me where I was making mistakes. With your help midlife crisis is not that scary anymore!
I just received my copy of Too Much from Amazon and am feeling like it was written for me-describing me right down to my career. Today I watched this video and was again blown away thinking “do you know me?” . Thank you so much for doing what you do. It is very much needed! I am starting to understand the patterns inherited by my folks. Your books are teaching me so much and your videos keep me motivated when I feel down. Thanks again, Chantal
Terri, you spoke to me today. I started listening to you last. I believe the universe found you for me. Your example of strategically positioning yourself in front of the train doors is me. I am a HFC/Empath- the fixer lol. Thank you for taking your time to share this.
Omg! You used the term “Growing Edge” … I just bought the new we’moon planner for 2025 and the theme for the new year is GROWING EDGE !!!!!! Right on time, sister! 🙏🏻❤️thanks Terri🦋
🎉 hold on here just a moment. I stopped your content today to say wow congrats on the book! Today is the day!!! ❤❤❤ you are a star Terri ⭐️ now back to this exciting program you have for us today ❤ ⭐️
Hi Terri! Another fabulous video - - I always felt I had to fix, rescue, manage, jump in to comment or take some sort of action to help the situation. It usually backfired and a family member or boyfriend said something nasty to me for trying to fix and help. Sitting with my feelings and NOT taking acton, is new for me - - your books, podcasts, newsletters, etc have been a tremendous help. THANK YOU! I think I wanted to help to get recognition, approval, love and acceptance. Now, when I do help, I do it because I really want to help. And I do it with a thought process - not just reacting and jumping in to fix it. LOVE your new book!!
Great video, Terri! This resonated. With your help, I really have been seeing how in my life others' pain made me so uncomfortable, and as I've aged/matured, I have gotten so good at just listening; however, I have had to implement boundaries/limits to protect myself and have learned that that is ok! I struggled for so long with my sister coming to me with every single problem in her life and I just wanted her reactions to stop because they made me so uncomfortable. It's still a challenge, but boy, setting those boundaries with her and sticking to them have helped me immensely. She hates it, and her reactions to those boundaries would derail me for days, but now--nope! I no longer take on her pain and try to fix it nor do I abandon myself and my boundaries for her sake. As always, thank you! So excited to receive and read your new book! Congrats!
Sooo amazing, Birdie 👏👏👏 Way to go on setting those boundaries with your sister and holding firm despite her reaction! That's huge. I'm excited for you to have Too Much, too ❤️
This is excellent! The whole auto accommodating thing was something I was so guilty of doing. I'd never even heard of it before watching your videos. With lots of practice, it is finally getting easier to just sit and listen now and not have that compulsion to fix. It is really hard to be in the discomfort like you said. Because of how our family was, I just thought it was something we were "supposed" to do. How empowering when we finally see how unhealthy it is. Your new book is going to help so many people. I am excited to get it!!
Thank you - and again, as from every video, I take some grains which flourish and blossom as I try out and get better communicating boundaries, realising triggers, being more centered in myself and such having a less stressful life because I can concentrate on those things I can REALLY influence. ♥️
First, loving the book and feeling the tough, but understanding love that created it. Second, I’ve screwed up twice this week already not sitting with that emotional discomfort while others expressing their pain. Want to fix it. Caught red handed and on chapter 3 of your book. You should be damn proud of it indeed! Powerful 📕 ❤️🙏 Signed, In recovery ❤️🩹
Thank you so much for the kind words about Too Much ❤️❤️ It's amazing that you're catching yourself, though. The more you become aware, the more you'll start to notice HFC behaviors, and the "quicker" you'll be able to course correct. But it is a journey- it won't happen overnight. You got this! ❤️ If you have really solid, emotionally trustworthy relationships, you can also talk about what you're learning and share that you're trying *not* to jump in and "fix" things, so if they notice you doing that, they can gently call you out. But only if you'd feel okay with it!
Thank you so much for this video Terri! I do struggle with others' emotional discomfort and feel overwhelmed by people's emotions. I feel others come to me for comfort when they are anxious or if they feel like they'll be abandoned in their life. Not sure how to put the responsibility back on them to work through those emotions because it can be draining on me. I have thought to ask 'How do you think we should proceed from here?' to allow them to come up with the solution that will work best for them. Possible that's invalidating as they are focusing on their emotions, not solutions? I do think 'What's the best way for me to support you right now?' is a good one. I have asked my friend what she prefers and just said she wants me to listen and there's nothing for me to do, but then I feel dumped on again and again. I do think this dynamic is different between a husband and wife, male and female vs. women to women as a men can/seem to help a women work through their emotions, while women are typically both emotional.
Thanks for sharing, Trista ❤️ If the issue is you feeling "dumped on," then perhaps boundaries are your answer. If you're at capacity and don't have space to hold for others, you're within your right to say, "I love you and want to support you but I don't have the bandwidth to properly offer that right now." The other phrase I like to use is, "I have faith you'll figure this out." You can also say things like, "That sounds difficult." "That sucks." to validate their emotions. Or you can say, "How did that make you feel?" Hope that helps!
It annoys me when I start to tell somebody a problem, and after a couple of sentences they dish out advice, which is inappropriate. If they listened to my full story they would understand what solutions were needed, as I'm not against accepting advice. The same applies to when I listen to somebody - let them finish talking. I knew a narcissist and when somebody mentioned a problem, she would say 'Do this, this and this and the problem will go', as though her ideas were omnipotent (all powerful). She never listened to anybody.
Yes! If this happens, I like to gently say, "I'm looking for a compassionate ear right now, not seeking advice. Can you please listen while I finish speaking?"
Terri, thank you so much for this. I recognize myself in everything you say here. Spot on! I have started to think before I react and doing my best to change my responses according to your advice. I have a question, though: what if it's my partner who I believe is making a mistake that will affect us both and our future life? Keep up your brilliant work ! ❤
I'm so glad my content is helpful 💕 I actually answered a very similar Q in an episode a few weeks ago: th-cam.com/video/7RcYZ5-y9hU/w-d-xo.html It's at the 6:10 mark!
I have this with my children and I feel I am growingnchildren without boundaries cause there anxiety tears stress worry makes me extremely uncomfortable amd its overbearing. Even when my kids where born there crying freaked me out and my mom had to help
I'm witnessing you with compassion, Hayley ❤️ I recommend checking out Dr. Shefali- her specialty is conscious parenting and her insights are great. We did an interview here: th-cam.com/video/R5bt5frPPsM/w-d-xo.html
Cutting rotten apples it's like a bad spot that needs cut out, cant talk to her no more! Protection from doing this, dont know why it done, going thru not even being there, I cannot do it!😢🎉😭
It's possible, though I would invite anyone wondering if they're an HFC to watch this video where I name five traits of high-functioning codependency to get a better idea of it: th-cam.com/video/AuweH-5IJ4A/w-d-xo.html
Good morning, Terri! Thank you for all you do to help me. Can’t wait for your new book to arrive at my house today! I would love a companion workbook some day. ❤️❤️🩹
I've seen my old friend i haven't seen in years since we started texting back and forth Text her that I seen her coming out my apt building and offered her come and visit She stopped texting from past month and I'm worried
Sorry to hear that ❤ I think the best thing to do in these situations is to just say something. "Hey, haven't heard from you in a bit. How are things?" And if you don't get an answer, you can let her know where you stand with the situation. "I'd love to continue our friendship but noticed you haven't been responding. Is there something you'd like to talk about?" If friends ghost us, it's up to us to decide how to proceed, but I wouldn't proceed as though nothing happened otherwise they might get the message that it's okay to stop communicating because they know you'll tolerate it.
Hello Terri, I'd love to invite you on our PODCAST as a valuable Guest please. I think you have some extremely valuable insights and our viewers would love to understand some deep concepts better :) I have been listening to you all day today)) Greetings Anant
Let me know: how good do you think you are at sitting with emotional discomfort, especially when it comes to your loved ones? For tips on growth, download the guide: www.terricole.com/the-key-to-growth-recovery-for-high-functioning-codependents-guide AND make sure to order TOO MUCH: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, because it's out TODAY 🙌🙌
Wow Terri, you are getting better every day (hope it’s okay to say that). I just bought the book. Excited to think I could learn something so vital so late in life. Much 💚. 🥵
YES! You hit the mail right on the head! My daughter’s “pain” (no matter how big or small) causes me pain, and I need to fix it to be rid of my pain! Ugh….
I see you Michelle ❤️
Allowing ourselves to sit with distress allows our loved ones to sit with their distress. Just being with them in that moment with as less words as possible is the highest act of compassion. There’s nothing that needs fixing in those moments. That “fixing” stems from not necessarily a desire to make their pain go away but to make our own dissipate. We have the best of intentions but they often backfire if we lack the ability to develop presence in those tough moments. It’s no easy feat obviously.
I’m practicing this everyday with my daughter and it’s the hardest thing, but I keep going.
I also recommend you check out Irene Lyon. She looks at this from a nervous system perspective and I believe it’s been the missing link in this journey of healing. Terri Cole is also great of course!
Keep up the good work!
I come from a large family where the kids were never seen or heard. We were all very good kids and only when we needed to be beat up for something insignificant we were given attention. We all developed different coping mechanisms to belong. We love each other so much but it’s so difficult to be together because we never learned to listen or patience. I’ve learned so much from you on YT just from a few videos. I wish I could show them your work but it’s such a minefield when they are not prepared to hear where most of our pain and triggers come from. Thank you 🙏 ❤
This is an epiphany for me. ❤Thank you, Terri, for literally shining a light on what 2as so hidden in my life and yet so apparent now that you've highlighted it. That I need to take a step back in each and every thing that I do. I'm definitely getting the book.
You're so welcome, I'm glad it helped 💕
“Reacting vs. Conscious Choice” was very clarifying for me Terri. My HFC book shipped today and I can’t wait to read it!
Thanks for sharing that takeaway and for ordering ❤️❤️ Can't wait for you to have it!
I watched you on Maria Menounos podcast, I’m watching u again, and again. I’ve been looking for the answer that I found in your programs for such a long time! It pains me that 50 years, minus the years when I was a little child, I mostly lived for the others, would get exhausted, lash out, not talk to people, get some energy back and would go back to the same cycle. Thank u so much for teaching me where I was making mistakes. With your help midlife crisis is not that scary anymore!
I am so glad you found my work and that it's bringing some relief ❤️❤️
I just received my copy of Too Much from Amazon and am feeling like it was written for me-describing me right down to my career. Today I watched this video and was again blown away thinking “do you know me?” . Thank you so much for doing what you do. It is very much needed! I am starting to understand the patterns inherited by my folks. Your books are teaching me so much and your videos keep me motivated when I feel down. Thanks again, Chantal
I am soooo glad to hear that, Chantal 💕 My goal was to make all my fellow high-functioning codependents feel seen!
Terri, you spoke to me today. I started listening to you last. I believe the universe found you for me. Your example of strategically positioning yourself in front of the train doors is me. I am a HFC/Empath- the fixer lol. Thank you for taking your time to share this.
I'm so glad what I shared resonated with you and that you found your way to my channel ❤️❤️
Omg! You used the term “Growing Edge” … I just bought the new we’moon planner for 2025 and the theme for the new year is GROWING EDGE !!!!!! Right on time, sister! 🙏🏻❤️thanks Terri🦋
I love that! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for all that you do, and all the help and guidance you try to give people. This is so much needed. Grateful to your hard work!
Thank you for leaving such a kind comment and letting me know ❤️❤️
Multiple nuggets of love and wisdom. Thank you so much! 💖✨️
You're so welcome, thanks for watching 💕
🎉 hold on here just a moment. I stopped your content today to say wow congrats on the book! Today is the day!!! ❤❤❤ you are a star Terri ⭐️ now back to this exciting program you have for us today ❤ ⭐️
Haha, thank youuuu!! ❤️❤️🙌🙌
Hi Terri! Another fabulous video - - I always felt I had to fix, rescue, manage, jump in to comment or take some sort of action to help the situation. It usually backfired and a family member or boyfriend said something nasty to me for trying to fix and help. Sitting with my feelings and NOT taking acton, is new for me - - your books, podcasts, newsletters, etc have been a tremendous help. THANK YOU!
I think I wanted to help to get recognition, approval, love and acceptance. Now, when I do help, I do it because I really want to help. And I do it with a thought process - not just reacting and jumping in to fix it. LOVE your new book!!
You're in good company, Linda ❤️ Glad to hear you're loving Too Much!
I find so much value in the way you describe and coach people on boundaries and grateful for you.
Thank you, Debbie 💕💕
Great video, Terri! This resonated. With your help, I really have been seeing how in my life others' pain made me so uncomfortable, and as I've aged/matured, I have gotten so good at just listening; however, I have had to implement boundaries/limits to protect myself and have learned that that is ok! I struggled for so long with my sister coming to me with every single problem in her life and I just wanted her reactions to stop because they made me so uncomfortable. It's still a challenge, but boy, setting those boundaries with her and sticking to them have helped me immensely. She hates it, and her reactions to those boundaries would derail me for days, but now--nope! I no longer take on her pain and try to fix it nor do I abandon myself and my boundaries for her sake. As always, thank you! So excited to receive and read your new book! Congrats!
Sooo amazing, Birdie 👏👏👏 Way to go on setting those boundaries with your sister and holding firm despite her reaction! That's huge. I'm excited for you to have Too Much, too ❤️
This is excellent! The whole auto accommodating thing was something I was so guilty of doing. I'd never even heard of it before watching your videos. With lots of practice, it is finally getting easier to just sit and listen now and not have that compulsion to fix. It is really hard to be in the discomfort like you said. Because of how our family was, I just thought it was something we were "supposed" to do. How empowering when we finally see how unhealthy it is. Your new book is going to help so many people. I am excited to get it!!
I am so happy for you, Denise ❤️❤️ What an amazing shift!!
Thank you - and again, as from every video, I take some grains which flourish and blossom as I try out and get better communicating boundaries, realising triggers, being more centered in myself and such having a less stressful life because I can concentrate on those things I can REALLY influence. ♥️
Woohooo cheering you on, Anna! ❤️❤️
First, loving the book and feeling the tough, but understanding love that created it. Second, I’ve screwed up twice this week already not sitting with that emotional discomfort while others expressing their pain. Want to fix it. Caught red handed and on chapter 3 of your book. You should be damn proud of it indeed! Powerful 📕 ❤️🙏
Signed,
In recovery ❤️🩹
Thank you so much for the kind words about Too Much ❤️❤️ It's amazing that you're catching yourself, though. The more you become aware, the more you'll start to notice HFC behaviors, and the "quicker" you'll be able to course correct. But it is a journey- it won't happen overnight. You got this! ❤️ If you have really solid, emotionally trustworthy relationships, you can also talk about what you're learning and share that you're trying *not* to jump in and "fix" things, so if they notice you doing that, they can gently call you out. But only if you'd feel okay with it!
@@terri_cole 🙏 thank you this is so helpful.
Thanks so much Terri ❤. Can’t wait for my book to come.
Woohoo, me neither, Paula! ❤️
Hi from South Africa. New sub here. Thank you so much 🙏🏻💐. I'm tolerating uncomfortable emotions way too often. Spot on.
Welcome to my channel 💕
Just got my book! Can't wait to start reading!😊
❤️❤️❤️
So much wisdom and insight (as always!) ❤🤗
❤️❤️
Needed this info! Couldn’t find it anywhere! Thank you!
You're so welcome 💕
I love this episode
Thank you so much for all the amazing work you do
You inspire me and teach me so much
Off to buy your book!!🎉❤
Thank you for saying so ❤️❤️ and for ordering Too Much!
Congratulations on the new book!
Why thanks, Leslie! ❤️
Thank you so much for this video Terri! I do struggle with others' emotional discomfort and feel overwhelmed by people's emotions. I feel others come to me for comfort when they are anxious or if they feel like they'll be abandoned in their life. Not sure how to put the responsibility back on them to work through those emotions because it can be draining on me. I have thought to ask 'How do you think we should proceed from here?' to allow them to come up with the solution that will work best for them. Possible that's invalidating as they are focusing on their emotions, not solutions? I do think 'What's the best way for me to support you right now?' is a good one. I have asked my friend what she prefers and just said she wants me to listen and there's nothing for me to do, but then I feel dumped on again and again. I do think this dynamic is different between a husband and wife, male and female vs. women to women as a men can/seem to help a women work through their emotions, while women are typically both emotional.
Thanks for sharing, Trista ❤️ If the issue is you feeling "dumped on," then perhaps boundaries are your answer. If you're at capacity and don't have space to hold for others, you're within your right to say, "I love you and want to support you but I don't have the bandwidth to properly offer that right now."
The other phrase I like to use is, "I have faith you'll figure this out." You can also say things like, "That sounds difficult." "That sucks." to validate their emotions. Or you can say, "How did that make you feel?"
Hope that helps!
@@terri_cole Awesome, thank you so much!
It annoys me when I start to tell somebody a problem, and after a couple of sentences they dish out advice, which is inappropriate. If they listened to my full story they would understand what solutions were needed, as I'm not against accepting advice. The same applies to when I listen to somebody - let them finish talking. I knew a narcissist and when somebody mentioned a problem, she would say 'Do this, this and this and the problem will go', as though her ideas were omnipotent (all powerful). She never listened to anybody.
Yes! If this happens, I like to gently say, "I'm looking for a compassionate ear right now, not seeking advice. Can you please listen while I finish speaking?"
@@terri_cole I find saying that difficult, and get tense and frustrated when people talk about themselves, when I need a listening ear.
Thank You💐🎶
❤️
Terri, thank you so much for this. I recognize myself in everything you say here. Spot on! I have started to think before I react and doing my best to change my responses according to your advice. I have a question, though: what if it's my partner who I believe is making a mistake that will affect us both and our future life? Keep up your brilliant work ! ❤
I'm so glad my content is helpful 💕 I actually answered a very similar Q in an episode a few weeks ago: th-cam.com/video/7RcYZ5-y9hU/w-d-xo.html It's at the 6:10 mark!
@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri 💖 It's hard to change our usual MO, but I see I need to do it. I'm learning 😁
It is hard, but soo worth it! You got this ❤️
❤❤❤wonderful woman
💕💕
I have this with my children and I feel I am growingnchildren without boundaries cause there anxiety tears stress worry makes me extremely uncomfortable amd its overbearing. Even when my kids where born there crying freaked me out and my mom had to help
I'm witnessing you with compassion, Hayley ❤️ I recommend checking out Dr. Shefali- her specialty is conscious parenting and her insights are great. We did an interview here: th-cam.com/video/R5bt5frPPsM/w-d-xo.html
❤
Cutting rotten apples it's like a bad spot that needs cut out, cant talk to her no more! Protection from doing this, dont know why it done, going thru not even being there, I cannot do it!😢🎉😭
You probably hear this often lol but you are such a beautiful woman! ☺️😍😅♥️ absolutely
Thank youuu 💕
OMG you are describing me ! *subscribe
I see you 💕 Welcome!
Can the scapegoat be high a functioning codependent?
Scapegoats are notoriously codependent. They have been trained from birth by a narcissistic parent to be codependent
It's possible, though I would invite anyone wondering if they're an HFC to watch this video where I name five traits of high-functioning codependency to get a better idea of it: th-cam.com/video/AuweH-5IJ4A/w-d-xo.html
Good morning, Terri! Thank you for all you do to help me. Can’t wait for your new book to arrive at my house today! I would love a companion workbook some day. ❤️❤️🩹
I can't wait for you to have it! ❤If I decide to do another workbook you guys will be the first to hear about it!
I've seen my old friend i haven't seen in years since we started texting back and forth
Text her that I seen her coming out my apt building and offered her come and visit
She stopped texting from past month and I'm worried
Sorry to hear that ❤ I think the best thing to do in these situations is to just say something. "Hey, haven't heard from you in a bit. How are things?" And if you don't get an answer, you can let her know where you stand with the situation. "I'd love to continue our friendship but noticed you haven't been responding. Is there something you'd like to talk about?" If friends ghost us, it's up to us to decide how to proceed, but I wouldn't proceed as though nothing happened otherwise they might get the message that it's okay to stop communicating because they know you'll tolerate it.
Yes I am. I have known I was codependent but this tells more
I'm glad it was helpful 💕
Hello Terri,
I'd love to invite you on our PODCAST as a valuable Guest please. I think you have some extremely valuable insights and our viewers would love to understand some deep concepts better :)
I have been listening to you all day today))
Greetings
Anant
This video makes me SO uncomfortable!😉
Not do it...