Neon Ghosts: A Witch's Sin by Daniel B. Greene | Book Review
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ค. 2024
- By popular demand, here is my review of Daniel B. Greene's Neon Ghosts: A Witch's Sin.
0:00 Intro
0:56 The Hook
1:15 Setting
3:12 Character
7:54 Plot and Tone
15:15 Writing
21:44 Final Thoughts
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you're the only daniel greene reviewer i trust lmao
Haha thanks. When you don't have a dog in the fight, you can speak your mind.
Was waiting for your review of this one. Great video!
thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
Really great review, Jason! Balanced, thoughtful and well-reasoned throughout. I think it’s good to give honest reviews so people can see if it’s for them and also if the author happens across it it helps them in their craft too. I found it very interesting to learn about the mistakes to avoid when doing creative writing. Bravo and look forward to the next review!
thanks!
16:10- It's Gungan!
This is a great review. I love the amount of detail you put into these things.
It's funny, because I was actually thinking of prose during action scenes today, and I have a good metaphor that I rely on when I write them. The ideal, at least, is to provide a dotted-line picture of what is happening. You don't need to fill in all the details. The example I always think of is: "He raised his arm, cocked back his fist, and clocked him in the chin." Just say, "He clocked him in the chin."
Something that I have been thinking about is how plot structure might change when writing a longer and more complex story. For my own story Arc, I realized that some of the "therefore"/"but" connections are a little more spread out than usual. Further, there might be some threads that emerge across different perspectives. The characters don't realize the connections, but the reader does.
There are different levels of these connections, of course. There might be a shorter plot structure for each character perspective, with a more spread out plot structure unfolding over these more obvious connections. But the point is that more complex plots might require a slightly different approach. And the more complex it is, the more loose it becomes. Idk if there is some strict strategy, here.
Just think about ASOIAF. Is there some strict strategy to that?
Thanks! And that's a great example about action. I was so guilty of it early on because I thought you needed to literally show the reader every detail, so they could picture it in their minds. It took me a bit to realize that it's about proportion, and how much or how little you describe something depends on the relevance of what's happening.
As far as your plot question, I do agree that consequences/developments will be more stretched out with a longer series, but I still think this can happen in the micro, on a scene level. Greene has an arguably "better on paper" character arc than his previous novels, even though he's missing the heart of what that transformation can be. His biggest problem structurally is he doesn't know how to write scenes. There's little to no structure that I saw. Sometimes you'd read half a chapter about the protagonist hanging out at their apartment doing mundane things (without subtextual purpose), then throw them into one of those plot points awkwardly and rush to a conclusion.
His longer chapters don't help him any either, because it makes it that much more difficult to create that structure unless you know what you're doing. He seems to view chapters as merely "divisions in a story" as opposed to having narrative purpose. The odd lengths and meandering really shows this. It's almost as if he had an outline and said "I want 20 chapters" then split the book up like that. There are some endings and beginnings that feel like he knows what a scene should do, but often the rest of it doesn't match so you're left with this jumble of "stuff."
I might re-read the first 1000 words and see if it's worth doing a First Five Pages edit on it, but that'll only make sense if it feels like there is some development during that time haha.
Oh, I was excited to see this. Curious to see if/how Daniel had improved. Sadly, it sounds like this book was something of a lateral move from his last. :/ (I cracked up at the Jar-Jar joke though. XD) Honestly I was kinda flabbergasted at that "wet liquid" line. Like, damn. :/ (Although to be fair, he's not the only one to write painfully redundant lines like that; Raymond Chandler actually wrote "wet rain" in the opening line of The Big Sleep. XD) I fear that Daniel has picked up too much from certain fantasy writers like Sanderson. Prioritization of worldbuilding over all else, characters that feel stock and talk in quippy one-liners, and a complete lack of effort put into the prose. Although it looks like he didn't lack for production value, so there's that I guess. I'm curious though whether he's jumped ship on his original series. Anyway, really good review; excellent breakdown. I think anyone would have a hard time arguing with your analysis of the writing.
Thanks!
Good point on Chandler. I started reading that one and gave up, at least temporarily. It has some good writing and some terrible writing. It's such a strange mix.
Greene created more complex worldbuilding than his last two books, even though it feels familiar since we've been so inundated with the cyberpunk genre. He created more characters but still had trouble knowing what to do with them, and I can see he attempted trauma with the main character, just didn't know how to weave it into the narrative, even from a symbolic standpoint.
So, I can see him attempting to improve in certain areas, however, I think he bit off more than he could chew. The plot and worldbuilding is so heavy, you can tell he really spent a lot of time with them. He still needs to learn how to weave all these things together, though.
I wonder if he had any beta readers with this, and after looking at the credits, I do see he had an editor. In which case, WOW. Maybe she was more of a proofreader. That would explain the lack of attention to the stuff I mentioned in the video.
I feel like he'd be better served staying with a smaller cast and plots to hone his chops before delving into a larger series. If people keep throwing hundreds and thousands of dollars at him, there isn't much incentive to improve though.
Very interesting analysis of the tone conflict. I think you’re right on. It sounds harsher than I mean it, but by I think you could sum it up as “infantile storytelling with adult themes.” I haven’t read any Daniel Greene but I’ve never had such a precise conceptualization for that problem.
Thanks! Having read all three of his books, it's disappointing that he doesn't seem to be improving. That's the problem when you have a such a large following and anyone will buy your stuff and praise it. He's never going to improve that way, especially if the masses are buying and praising his book. He needs to really get some more work under his belt before he starts pushing his own work out there to this degree.
A good move for him would have been writing a book or short stories and giving them away to his audience for free. Then on top of that hiring a good developmental editor to coach him on his work to see if his fans are truly giving him honest feedback. But when you push a kickstarter with that kind of cash return, there is little motivation to improve.
@@JasonFuhrman yeah, I’ve been following him for a few years for his fantasy updates and some of his reviews, and this was exactly my expectation once he started putting stuff out. I suppose there’s plenty of authors out there writing stuff I don’t care for, so power to him if he has an audience for it. But as one plagued with perfectionism, all I’m thinking is “DUDE YOU HAD SO MANY BETA READERS AND YA BLEW IT.” Imagine the insight you could get into your writing- what connects and what doesn’t, ultimately to decipher why that is the case- if you had possibly thousands of people willing and able to read your stuff. Just funneling their reviews/responses through a Google form 😅 sure you might be getting biased feedback, but nowhere near the bias of presenting projects as products and kinda saying “do you think I’m good?” Cause all your fans want to make you feel good haha.
All that said, with the perfectionism aspect, the fact that he is completing projects and getting them into the world, I commend him for. Unfortunately I don’t really know what his personal goal is with writing, but whatever it is, he doesn’t seem driven to be satisfy a personal aspiration as far as quality, just to get his general ideas in the world (or to make money..).
Cheers!
“DUDE YOU HAD SO MANY BETA READERS AND YA BLEW IT.”
hahaha exactly!
I know TH-cam is his business and he really wants to make a living (at least partially) through writing, which is a great goal. I just wish he'd put in the time. In today's self-publishing world, it's easy to put out anything. But should you? I wish him the best, but I would like him to see bring something to the book world worthwhile, not just "good enough" to sell to his large fanbase and cash in.
I'm only roughly half way through the book, and I'm having trouble wanting to finish it. I don't have any problems with Daniel, I subscribe to his channel. He seems like a fairly nice guy. My issue with his writing though is I feel like he needs a few more years to get some life experience before he can really produce what he seems to want to write.
Neon Ghosts feels a bit long winded and wordy to be an effective crime thriller. The chapters are too long and seem to drag on for more than they need to. Some things that happen could have been reworked a bit so the same result happens, but is more logical. Like when she meets Oscar it would have made more sense for them to realize someone wanted them both gone and they agree to work together until they figure out who. Instead of Oscar saying he doesn't mind she broke in, almost killed him, and he wants to help cuz he's cool like that.
I agree. I think he just needs a lot more experience under his belt. He should have written some short stories and released them for free to hone his skills and get honest feedback. Instead, he went full on and approached it like he was a seasoned author, charging 8 bucks when most Indies are in the 3 dollar range. I can understand trying to take a "professional" approach, but the writing needs to reflect everything else.
This novel was a strange step for him. I'm not sure what inspired him to write it. The writing, as you said, is overly written and the scenes rarely have any drive.
The worst thing about the situation is that if everyone is telling him it's great, he's never going to try to improve.
This pretty much matches everything else I've heard about the book, which is that it's an odd amalgamation of genres and general weirdness that needed an editor. Nobody's calling it bad; nobody's calling it great. But, pretty much everybody agrees on those points. Might check it out cus I do enjoy some mediocre storytelling, but it's gonna have to get in line behind the other trash on my list. Lol.
Hahaha guilty pleasures huh?
The funny thing is it's getting pretty great reviews mostly across the board, on Amazon anyway. But I guess those are just his fans who will love it regardless. That's my biggest frustration. People who don't know him being misled.
@JasonFuhrman Guilty pleasures indeed. Lol. Books I fully enjoy and wouldn't recommend.
I feel you, though. It can make the book seem like something truly great, when it's really just ok.
The building level hierarchy is similar to Silo too.
Yep, good point!
Like Metropolis.
Talking about subtext. My Brilliant Friend on HBO is dripping with subtext. The dialogue is so well done every sentence could be picked apart. The plot didn't interest me, so it took me a while to watch it even though the ratings were good, but when a story is constructed like that, plot doesn't matter.
Nice, I will check it out
Brutal. I read the accent as Irish btw.
As for the gerunds, use of alliteration, or rhyming: I think those are all parts of style. Does the writer know how to write a mechanically complete sentence that adheres to the rules of English to meet the definition of such? Well usually yes, they do. But obviously the art of writing is wielding the rules to your purpose and bending or breaking them when you desire for effect. Some authors definitely break them far more than others, but that's their flavor. I'd agree the editor (or even just beta reader) should come in a more objective party to the process to see the whole effect of how that all comes together. The author will struggle with this because of course: they already know what they mean or intend before the words are read, thus making it much harder to attain that viewpoint.
I wish I could say the writing is a stylistic choice, but it didn't feel purposeful in a creative way. It looked like an amateur trying new things, which is fine. I think an editor could have helped him immensely.
The moment you add vampires it's no longer real cyberpunk. It's a take on the shadowrun setting, which can be interesting but this book doesn't seem to be for me.
Ps. I'm gonna bet Daniels next protagonist will be another young woman
Yeah when vampires showed up, I was bummed at first, then thought maybe he would do something different. But no, they still drink blood, are undead, etc.
Shadowrun. Man I haven't heard that in a while. I remember playing the ttrpg back in the 90s.
I also wonder how strategic from a marketing perspective his choice in protagonists is...
i listened to his first two. i dind't find them time well spent, sounds like this one isn't either. I like his youtube videos. i get that he loves storys and books, as many of us do which drives us to write stuff of our own, but until you tell everyone you have a new project your working on no one is expecting anything from you, and i wonder if he slowed down, took the feed back he's gotten so far how much better a book he could write. i feel like he's learning to write and putting his course work out there for us to grade him so he knows how to best improve, which hey if you have a thick enough skin and the audience to do so. you do you.
I agree. I think he should have at least put his first book out for free and welcome feedback. He went out the gate with a $8.99 book, which in the indie scene is incredibly expensive. Most indies publish a full length novel at $4.99 tops and a shorter book (his) at $2.99.
Which is why I don't cut him slack in my reviews. If he's treating himself as a pro author, I will review him like a pro author.
@@JasonFuhrman I don't want to seem too mean though so i will say his writing is probably better then mine currently. but I'm only asking my family and friends... and not even all my friends for feedback.
@maxsinclair787 yeah his writing isn't terrible, it just needs work. We all have to start somewhere and we should all strive to improve. I think he released things a little prematurely. He has hundreds of thousands of people who probably would have loved to be beta readers. He just chose to not do that.
We have a channel on my discord server dedicated to feedback, so you're welcome if you ever want other people to check out your stuff. Many of us are writers and are all avid readers.
@@JasonFuhrman I only have one manuscript finished and its out with friends and family. some have already finished it and given me notes that i could use to make it stronger but i'm holding out on the rest finishing it to see what else gets picked up. as for my other two projects one is at 38k the other at 7. but i make my dad read them as i finish a chapter just to make sure they don't need any more to feel like a complete chapter a sanity check if you will. probably be the rest of the year before i have either of those finished. but I'm nervous about putting them out beyond my friends at the moment. maybe in a couple of drafts it'll be worth it and I'll be more comfortable doing so.
@@maxsinclair787 ok no worries. Whenever you're comfortable, it's a good idea to get an unbiased person to look at it. Sometimes family and friends can be biased, so you might not always get the best feedback. That said, there are plenty who will tell you how it is too.
That was supposed to be a New York accent?
*facepalm*
Witch's Sin? More like Witch's Not Gonna Read It
There's my guy
I think DG has an edgy instinct to his wrting, but I wish he'd learn the craft to back up his gut instinct for that edge. I think young gen y and gen z don't really have a problem with telling and not showing. Sometimes I actually feel that's what they want.
I'm not sure what you mean by "edgy instinct," but you can tell he puts a lot of time into his worldbuilding. I just think he focuses on it too much and loses sight of literally everything else. Which is too bad because if he took the same time with his characters and plot that he did with constructing the setting, he'd write far better books.