The narcissist's UNREALISTIC expectations vs your REALISTIC expectations
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They want us to feel guilty for something they do. Its hard to ignore them and maintain our sanity.
1000 million thumbs up to your simple and core accurate comment!
(They are babies & toddlers stuck in adult bodies, with all the frustration, emptiness, need and pressure of being an adult baby, which they cannot handle.
They do not know what to do with themselves or with any of their relationships. They all want an angel mommy, a true to life fairy godmother because they are babies. And babies are not equipped to take blame or responsibility for anything.)
So true! So true I don’t know what else to add
just. Plain. Nuts! 🤮
@@iahelcathartesaura3887 💯🙏❣️
Exactly
So Brilliant. "We are not designed to be pacifiers, punching bags, or mind readers." Staying means understanding they will continue to expect these with no respect for your feelings or needs. You are so great at this Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
YES! I have been saying that for years!
And now with good videos teachers and practitioners like this, I see the whole picture, and know I'm not the one going crazy.
@@iahelcathartesaura3887 💯
It's cowardice that renders them unwilling to take responsibility for their actions.
There's nothing realistic or unrealistic in the narcissist's BIZZARRO WORLD!
LOL at “Bizzarro” 😂
And it's always our fault if their life doesn't run perfectly, they never own their own mistakes.
No matter what you did, it would have been wrong. That's what I've found with anticipating the Narcissist.
I got quite good at it and then was told off because I could “read their mind”.
@@TheBaumcmI wrote outlines of conversations, then initiated them, checked off the parts, showed it to her...that did not go well, because of course it wouldn't.
The trickiest part about trying to anticipate a narcissist’s expectations is that they are constantly changing, because they are terribly impulsive, as well as that they themselves are not always aware of what it is that they want, hence even had you been an AI program attuned to them, it’s more likely that instead of finally getting it right you would simply have gotten crushed by their chaotic mind.
Exactly! Goalposts are always moving. Their joy isn’t from someone they love meeting their needs but from watching everyone hop to. You help them solve one issue and either you didn’t do it the way they wanted or another springs up. Once you realize that, then you can focus on working within your own boundaries because their anger is like a fart. It always comes out regardless of what you do.
Hence is the reason I treat him as an annoying roommate. He gets mad, but I just don't care how he feels.
"Annoying roommate" ... that's exactly what my narcissistic husband has become. I wish I could afford to kick him out.
Does it work? Has that given you peace?
@@andreabobbette825 yep! Treat him like a roommate, I've had roommates in the past.
😂 That's so funny. He tells me we're just roommates. That's what it feels like to him, because i've been sleeping on the couch for about eight years
@@andreabobbette825Girl, please. They never give you peace. L o l
Yes, I found myself saying to the narcissist ‘Yeah, that’s Not happening!’ Or ‘Are you mental?’ and not doing whatever this person wanted-they are so delusional it’s downright crazy-they want minions and servants 24/7/365 days a year.
You just described my crazy narcissistic husband perfectly!!! 😢
@@annjohnson8437I left my husband a year and a half ago. The best decision in my life. I hope you will find support and love and people you can rely on and leave this man. If you can’t, I hope you protect your mental and physical health 🙏
I did the same. Just before he ghosted me two months ago, he told me, “you need to be broken in.” I hissed, “you ain’t breakin’ s#!t.” He then labeled me as a self-absorbed pain in the ass. 🤣 Loser!
Absolutely hes turned my children into his minions flying monkeys. Yes men it's so sad.
Narcissist detector - What I wouldn’t give to see such a device exist in my lifetime. Love you Dr Ramani ❤
just let me check, I got pretty good over time 😂
It would melt down error system overload 😂
In the UK some women describe themselves as having a "resting bi*tch" face. At 65 yrs old, & after a life-time of Narc abuse, (almost free now), I think that women who have such a face are Narcs. BTW, I'm a woman myself and haven't noticed this in men....yet! So my friend I would say, that observation is now one of my narc detectors. Anyone else got clues like this, just visual I mean? Good luck to you friend, I hope you become a narc detector yourself.
@@beekinder6953I like to think I’m a good narc detector. Anyone that doesn’t take joy in your joy (outside of the honeymoon phase of a friendship or relationship) is most certainly a narc.
Or when the narc makes an unemotional response to what you’re saying, whether that’s verbal or non-verbal. It’s worked for me so far. X
Well said Brandon. You're spot on. There's no joy with them. They don't celebrate your achievements or good news. The genuine emotional response isn't there. One saying I learned which ties to what you said about no reciprocal joy is "beware of folks who don't applaud your achievements". Joy suckers.
I imagine for you to have become a good narc detector, you would have suffered at the hands of more than one. In which case, I applaud your journey, determination, battle and gained freedom friend. @@brandonhealy7158
Oh lordybe, 12 years with the biggest Narcissist I've ever encountered. I'm away from him and living my life happily & in peace. It took me many years and many tears to get to this point. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for all your help with learning how to identify & heal from all he did to me. You describe his actions and behaviors towards me 100%. I'm staying single because I don't trust my choices in men anymore. 😊
Still you never know
I'm still trying to get out 32 years and counting. I figured by my 53rd birthday. I'm gonna say 53 and free!
But I don't trust my opinion either and I'm gonna do like doctor R said and take a year to do everything by myself Christmas birthdays and reinvent myself relearn who I am what I like do what I want celebrate new traditions of my own before I see anybody I'm going to take. An entire year after that I don't think I will be able to trust myself still however. I want at least know if I go on a date and things my boundaries will be set. I don't have to get involved to where I'm in a relationship too much work. I don't want to answer to anyone any more ever. I don't believe in true love I just can't.
Terrible to shame the scapegoat for taking care of themselves. If I wasn't jumping rings through my A-hole for their needs (all 4 of them) then I was being yelled at.
I know exactly what you mean, I’ve been doing the same with my 2, I’m always either getting yelled or called names, and the guilt trips, I’m getting better at ignoring what they want me to feel guilty about. I’m definitely NOT BETTER, but better than I was for years. In fact, right now I’ve completely disengaged myself from my son who blames me for his behavior. It’s all bc he won’t admit he’s wrong and literally fucked up my life, and I asked him to help me get things back in control and he doesn’t want to help. He’s gaslighting me, too, and I really can’t deal with his bs any longer.
The thing is, I’m a severely, chronically ill woman and I’m single and going on 70yrs old. He knows I NEED SOMEONE (him), so he uses that against me. I get hurt whether I do or I don’t.
@@donaremensnyder6686 I understand. I grew up with it. I'm 62 have autoimmune conditions. I walked away from my apartment & belongings to watch my Mom since I'm the only one in FL and single. All 3 siblings are Narscissts. Oldest sister passed away but Psychopath brothers never helped. Oldest came down and got abusive right away. I ended up homeless winter of 2017. Was horrible. I'm going to living in my old car again soon..... before they get here. Your son will NEVER HELP YOU! The best thing you could do is follow Dr. Eirc Berg and start doing healthy Keto. I started in 2015. I'm much better. The saying is Once You Know, You've Got To Go!
They will never be happy with what you do because what makes them happy is watching you hop to. Remember, their anger is self generated and much like a bodily function, they aren’t in control of it, nor can you stop it once it’s built up. Much like someone with ADHD, who suffers from unequal attention because of low dopamine (meaning only stuff that really interests them can trigger the pathway), they have unequal ability to empathize and control emotion. Only when they have sufficient pressure from the outside (pay, reputation, etc.) can they keep their cheeks squeezed so to speak. It’s really not you. It’s absolutely them and their delusional internal perception.
❤❤I love the Silence 😀I have been completely free since 2016 and in my own place! God has fully taken care of me!
I can't tell you how much I look forward to every show the tone in your voice. How realistic you are you help me so much doctor R IReally. Appreciate you.
Have you ever met a narcissist where you have asked them please tell me what you want of me, make a list, whatever it is that makes them happy and I’ll do it ? And guess what? They never come up with a list, they never tell you what they want, EVER. They just continue to mentally and emotionally abuse you daily by criticizing and comparing you to others etc? It’s sheer torture. And guess what? They never change they just change partners…or as I did, I ended it FINALLY.
It took me 2 years to get out this relationship bc the pain of being with this person was worse than being alone. I’m so glad I got out, I’m out and free for 9 months now from him possessing me.
I’m not looking back and not looking for relationships until I’m healed and praise God, I’m healing! Praying for all of us who have been abused by these horribly toxic ppl! RUN!!!
I am in this relationship for 28 years and still I can't figure out what to do.
I am in great pain I just want to be free. But if I leave him he will have no food no house nobody to take care of. But just don't want to go on like this anymore. He is 49 and am 50.
@@tiaimchen3906I'm sorry you're dealing w that. His wellbeing is not your responsibility, his incompetence is likely not real and only a weapon, and even if he's truly incapable that's still not your responsibility. You do not owe truth or faith to a partner that does not reciprocate. You've got the one life, you don't owe it to anyone.
Thank you for sharing. Yes, in my experience they will not ever answer a straight question w a straight answer, that would make accountability too darn easy.
They don’t even know what they want! But they expect you to.
Narcissists are not always focused on an ordered, clean environment.
They can be incredibly messy and disorganized.
Expecting others to clean up after them and/or live in the mess with them (without judgement or complaint) is one of their unrealistic expectations.
Their time and energy is more valuable than a livable environment.
Thank you for all of the great insights!
I think it is important for people to know that narcissists can unrealistically expect you to live in tangible chaos, too.
This is so important to know. I’m living with an incredibly messy and unorganized person and I am going through WWIII because I set the expectation that common areas be clean.
My narcissistic ex used to yell at me for leaving the room when he was in a rage, yet he would also get enraged if I stayed in the room to comfort him. If I stayed in the room and said nothing when he was mad I was yelled at for not saying anything. If I asked him what he wanted he would get mad at me for bothering him when he was upset.The only garentee was that I would be wrong and I would be yelled at. Basically you can never be right when you're with a narcissist. They will break your heart and make you feel responsible for the heartache you feel.
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
This is a perfect summation of what it's like to deal with these people. My elderly mom expects to be coddled and catered to in every situation. Yet she brilliantly portrays herself as low maintenance with minimal needs. It's been this lifelong subtle gaslighting. I grew up thinking she's a self-sacrificing saint who is repeatedly failed by her loved ones. I didn't figure it out until I experienced deep despair too many times trying to be her caregiver.
I know EXACTLY what you mean.
Perfect is enemy of mental health! - it is so true dr Ramani ❤thank you. God bless you❤
This video says it all.... wow. She really spoke the absolute truth. I can relate to every word she's saying. My ex (the Narcissists) wanted to everything to be perfect all the time and to be fair and honest, her life and our life together wasn't bad at all! No room for complaints! Put it this way, since my ex wanted more and I wasn't doing good enough she took it out on me and left me and my son like nothing!!!! I hate her so much for the damage she caused. I took her back so many times...in a way it's my fault but I couldn't help it because I have a big heart!!
After so many years of it it made me sick. Now I’m working on rebuilding my health. It’s weird how much guilt is involved in being good to myself.
Even if you did anticipate all the narcissist’s needs and execute flawlessly, this could still be a problem. In this case, the narcissist would regard you as a doormat.
They also might act jealous of you being better at anything than them
Also, one of their needs is to find fault. So they'd be angry with you for not screwing up.
This video is spot on. I'm supposed to magically know a lot of stuff that's not communicated to me, or is communicated to a third person who's apparently supposed to communicate that information to me. Good times. Bonus if something upsets him that has nothing to do with me, I'd always get the blowback. Yay.
Thank you again for your hard work. Look after yourself Ramani❤
He noticed that I started watching your videos. He went through my phone saw that I had many saved
He started watching all of them now hes using these things against me saying the I'm doing these things to him oh my goodness talk about gas lighting.
That's insane!!!
@@keepitonmeatalltime5008 Oh my goodness, same happened with me too! The narc in my life constantly blames everything other than him for his poor academics even though both him and I have gone to same school with same teachers and parents working at the same department. Infact he even blames me for being better than him and always criticise me for 'showing off' 😂
Glad you are able to recognize this. These videos are so helpful.
Yes he knew none of None of the terminology before he started Reading about it. That's how I could tell he started using the word gas lighting all the time. Gray rocking love bombing you name it. I knew exactly what he. Had? Done so. I went to his Google history and saw what he was doing.
Hes trying to use it against me reverse it on me. The problem is he's the real narcissist so
My mother now expects her 3 adult children to act like we are a family again with her in control. There was so much drama because I had other plans than seeing her on my birthday. And then the raging began.
So frustrating that she'll never see that her expectations are not normal.
They are never attuned to your needs. 100% true. They don’t care about you, only what you can do for them. They suck!
When my narc grandmother and narc uncle demanded I give them my disability check… when they are so rich they have both 2 houses… and they thought that was ok, my jaw hit the floor.
Dr Ramani. I just want to say a huge huge Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. I was discarded by ‘the love of my life’ and have been full of anxiety, heartbreak and ptsd following this. It was only after talking to a friend when I told her some of the things he said and did to me that I realised he is NOT normal.
Your videos almost read like a script of how this man behaved and treated me. I just didn’t see it at the time. It’s been 6 months and I’m still healing (and still sad over it all) but I will continue learning in the hope it will help me move on and justify to myself exactly ‘why’ I have ended up the quivering wreck that I became. Thankyou x
I swear on anything, that’s good… My narcissistic father believes he’s living a life that he watches from his favourite soap opera. I’m just a little over a year no contact and it totally was the best move I ever did in my life. I’m still trying to figure out…What the hell me so long to understand this? Looking forward to reading your book Dr Ramani!
Don’t beat yourself up. We aren’t taught to see our needs as essential and are taught to let others’ behavior go, to be the bigger person, so we can easily dismiss behaviors, especially from a parent whom we are fundamentally taught to respect and from which to expect love. No one with a healthy perspective would expect a parent to not love their child, much less make it conditional. Just like a relatively normal detective having to learn how a criminal thinks, it usually takes experiencing it firsthand. Also, they are really good at keeping up appearances to maintain their reputation which can create cognitive dissonance and further trigger that “am I crazy?” feeling.
Yup. Done, gave everyone the best possible start, then they reject. Not bothered but will never never ever get involved with narcs again.
"Scary Bond villain office"😂😂😂😂😂
I used to say to new people (Back when there were new people) after they complimented me for what they liked and thought about me "You'll not like me when you get to know me."
"Why?" They'd ask and I'd reply "Your expectations of me are not me, they are reflections of what you want me to be for you not me."
I wasn't aware then. Love bombing man! I was a smuck for it! Ignorant trust I had for all, despite knowing the world we lived in.
The qualities they love bombed you for are the very qualities they will feast upon, tearing you down for not being what they want after telling you, you were everything they want. Toxic psycho spectrum types dietary needs.
They feast on destroying you and keeping you a disheveled husk of the person you once were and then detach; for now, unless you set boundaries.
All those weapons of expectation they use are not you, they're just weapons they use to hurt you but goodness, do they stick sometimes. These videos knock them out of me! Thank you!
The spectrum of toxic people is being understood in our personal relationships. Dr Ramani, this is a "Brilliant" thing.
I hope we can ascribe the notes and colours of bandwidth and spectrum of toxicity to higher eschelons of Humanity to see the toxic excrement storm we're all in. Those whom have even a mediocre toxic intelligence can manipulate people for their own ends. Look at our leaders and rulers... It ain't pretty! They're clever too...
I bloomin' love you Dr Ramani❤
Dr Ramani, thank you. During your zoom meeting on your birthday I cried so much because I recognized so many things you talked about in myself. 2 weeks ago I left my narc boyfriend. I had put myself and 2 of my needs first and he raged at me. I left him, I deserve better than enduring and rationalizing his behaviour. I too am important. Thank you❤
They would actively pressure you into cosplaying a character they need in their life right at the moment, and actively rage if you don't; yet if you cosplay what they want you to cosplay - they would lose interest in you and go get new supply behind your back. While the lovebomb phase is intense, there never is an active and hands on "so what would YOU like, what are YOU about"; there always is a "so what purpose can you serve" w them.. It is a shallow cold and hollow experience while it lasts, even during the lovebombing, it's a terrible harmful experience when it starts crumbling down.. Their full scope would unfold within a few years, but the red flags could be multiple previous breakups and spiteful hateful comments about all those exes.
@Ramani I realize it's not me.
@melissaleak7241 I know it’s not me as well but, it doesn’t change the amount of damage they’re still causing. These narcissists are my 2 adult kids, it’s very hard to deal with, no matter what I do or I don’t do, the treatment is always the same. They’re going to be the death of me.
We try to be "perfect" for the narcissistic person in our life to avoid their wrath. My question is: how do we deal with the hate/anger we begin feeling toward the narc when we can never please them and cannot cut them out of our lives? I can barely stand to be in the same room with him at this point, but I'm stuck financially.
Dr Ramani has likened it to grieving, both the person we once were and the relationship we thought we had or should have had. Sometimes you grieve lost opportunities. First stage of grief? Anger. Resentment. What I might suggest is focus on your mindset and becoming more authentic to yourself.
In my case, I was angry that I was not the person I am, confident, competent, master of my own destiny, and not afraid of conflict (not fighting but differing). I started working on being honest in my emotion and fighting the fawn response or the tendency to act content when I wasn’t. I stopped making decisions based on what I thought the narc would want, when it was important (pick your battles), and agreeing to things just to keep the peace, and when they were passive aggressive, hinting that they wanted me to read their mind, I asked for clarity, because you know they already said I was terrible at figuring out what they want. Another was dimming my talents so as not to make the narc feel less. In short, I stopped letting the narc be the voice in my mind, stopped giving up pieces of myself, which made me resent them, and I felt a little bit better able to handle the slings and arrows because the me who fundamentally exists, my basic moral compass and decision making, was unearthed and revived. It made me feel powerful and that cannot be taken away, just given up.
One, their anger is like a fart. It’s coming out, usually at the most inopportune time, generated by things that happened before your interaction, and nothing you do will stop or delay it when it must out. Go DEEP, as the good doc says. Two, they aren’t pleased when someone who loves them helps them or anticipates a need because you are removing something they can complain about. You fix a problem and you didn’t do it right or a new one pops up. It’s watching people hop to and center around them that makes them happy. Once I learned these two things, I was able to feel more authentic because I was able to operate within my own boundaries without feeling guilty for letting down someone I love.
Thank you so much Dr Rahmani. All is right 😊
I received constant rage and constant guilt trips. And then when I had a dysregulated emotion, I was told that as the oldest...I should set the example. Meaning I wasn't allowed to feel anything about how I was treated and just accept it.
I received a special gift to celebrate the release of the new book. Thank you.
My parents always wanted us to live to their satisfaction, their dreams had better be your goals.
but they did not want their children to out shine them either and always found ways to undermine our confidence.
Has sung by Michael Jackson Scarecrow in The wiz:
You can't win,
You can't break even,
.,..And you can't get out of the game.
I am so not taking him back! Enough is a meaningful complete Word.
Every, single word of this video is 100% accurate. And sadly, I have experienced ALL of it. Thank you Dr R for validating this for us. ❤️
When I saw Sleeping with the Enemy I cried. Also Stepford Wives.
I agree with Dr. R, I was extremely lucky he left, but I can't emphasize this enough, it was as awful, long and expensive as if I had left.
Same. Encanto, Waitress, and a host of others, all textbook narcissism and hit just a little too close to home for me to enjoy.
Mad tv show had a skit called lowered expectations. lol
It’s so painful, mine is my own mother. I’m the only one left in the family to put up with this. 😢
Oh my gosh, your testimony of “trying” to do something good was very similar to what recently happened to me. I also got yelled at & not even a thank you. It hurt me so much beyond words.- I was “trying” to do good & be considerate to no avail. This so called “friend” would have me as the punching bag, demean, criticize, belittle, insult, have no empathy nor compassion. Ironically, all this & them looking cool calm & collected while one is the “crazy” for showing emotions in regard to the behavior the narcissist had inflicted on one. They don’t give a hoot about the damage they inflict. They also lie as easily as they breathe & when confronted go ballistic - it is like a machine gun spurting out venom. I honestly believe that they are never capable of real love: parent, spouse, friend - their 1st love is to themselves & what is best to them even if it means causing harm to others including their children. It is incredibly hard to break this trauma bond. Things happened to me for which I am not at liberty to put here, but suffice to say A LOT of damage was done. The narcissist has many skeletons in their closet & wouldn’t be surprised if one day they had blood on their hands. They thrive on destruction - very sick.
Thank you, Dr Ramani! You have helped me so much!‼️❤️🩹💕💕🙏🏼
Yup, they are triggered by your ordinary, everyday human acts of kindness, patience, empathy, generosity. Been 6 months no-contact post-discard. Then she calls. I know what's up and call back to satisfy my curiosity. Yup, she wanted to ask if we could be "friends". And that she hopes that I find someone worthy of me. So her feeling of not being worthy of me makes me unworthy of her. I turned her down on any contact, let alone friends. If she really believes she's unworthy of me as a romantic partner, why does she believe she's worthy to be my friend?
I had a female friend, I say the word "friend" very loosely as I don't believe she was ever one to begin with. She used to treat people like this and have very high unrealistic expectations. She would never take accountability for thing's going wrong even when she was the one at fault. Shed try and make I and others feel bad for attempting to help. Alot of red flags in that relationship, and I'm grateful to be out of it. Females can also be narcissistic. it's just not as common.
Thank you. Totally needed to hear all this right now as I can be way too hard on myself for mistakes or thinking I need to do it all and ‘be perfect’ to be worthy or loved. Learning I don’t have to try so hard, beat myself up, nor take the blame for everything. Keeping my boundaries positive self talk and realistic expectations for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
And if you don't meet their expectations they retaliate! The part that makes me need to get away the most is the projection of their own narcissism onto you once they become aware of narcissism and then you can feel them trying to paint you and corner you into a "GOTCHA!" moment where they talk down on you and call you this or that. They are perpetually a victim and if you actually show emotion they say you are acting like a victim! It's like they claim to be the scapegoat black sheep empath, while at the same time literally using you as the scapegoat. I had a gf for 5 years but a year into it I caught her lying to me but she begged me to stay just to ghost me 4 years later while I was at work for someone older with more money. I don't really trust anyone anymore, it feels like I can't, but maybe it is for the best.
Stay strong until you can get out.
The cynic in me wonders if she might not try to actually get the police in on it. Might I suggest some very subtle nanny cams? They make them very small and you can wire them in to relay and download. Most are really easy to use. At least you could have some clear evidence in your defense.
Also, I know it’s crazy making. Remember that this is indicative of her faults not yours. Recognize that there is no way to meet expectations since they don’t want you to. They just like watching people hop to, center around them, and in their more sadistic moments, squirm in guilt. I know it’s difficult to trust when the most fundamental relationship is this dysfunctional and you’ve had really bad experiences but instead of focusing on her, focus on what you can do to leave the fear behind. In other words, work on the one thing you have control over, you. Figure out what life you would actually want without her as a factor. Then, go for it.
Towards the end, I found that the best way to deal with my ex saying that things needed to be done and expecting me to drop everything and do it (he actually told me that this was what he expected) was to tell him that if it is so important to him, he is welcome to do it himself. I got the house in the divorce (which is only fair, I was paying for it) and the things he wanted done, still aren't done. But the leaks in two of the bathrooms are now fixed. Yes. Fixing a leak was not as important to him as trim on the floor. Of course, one of those bathrooms was his personal bathroom, and it's now a walk-in closet.
They are the satans in saints robes!!!!!
They want the best of everything, as long as they don't have to work for it.or put forward effort
Another very important topic to cover, thanks Dr R! I had sometimes minimal expectations in my narcissistic relationships and I was told I was going too far. They had exaggerated, unrealistic expectations towards me and this was never enough.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! I realized as a very ver young child... specific memories around 4 that key family members were going to have temper tantrums no matter what choices I made. I just went on with my life. It was a double edged sward.
I am so excited, I really can't wait to read the book. I bought a reading light, a journal and a nice pen. I am trilled to begin this journey of healing with all of you guys. Thank you Dr. Ramani
Though I don’t know you personally, Dr. Ramani I love you! You have changed my life in so many ways and I’m so very grateful and I cannot wait to read your book. I’ve been following you for several years and to be able to sit and read a book with your voice in my head is just Divine!
They want you to be perfect, but not them.
Thank you for your work. You really helped me very much and I am at the other side of the world. Thank you.
THEY are emotionally and mentally exhausting.
This feels so validating! I used to go out of my way to do something thoughtful and kind for them and it'd always somehow turn into a lecture about how awful I was for doing or not doing something else.
Oh, I see I can get it in the UK, Thank's, I should have checked the drop down. Thank you Dr Ramani : )
Dr. Ramani thank you for being my light as become more aware of this hellish nightmare. I am commenting because I have a topic idea that I am very much interested in hearing from your experiences. If I remember correctly there are narcissists that come from childhood trauma but you also mentioned sometimes it was the “golden child” that was spoiled and can do no wrong and never learning how to accept no can also be a factor in narcissism. After observing his family dynamics I am positive he was created out of the latter. Can you talk more about that and maybe if there are differences between the two upbringings?
Also any and all information to arrive at radical acceptance. Thank you again for all these videos, I play them after he’s been particularly cruel and they keep me hanging on. Honestly I don’t know what I’d do without them. Thank you.
BRILLIANT SPOT ON AS ALWAYS ❤THANK YOU 🙏
Prefect will wear you down.You can miss out on so much.😊
I’m a messy slob, I can’t be a narcissist. Wait, I express feelings. I feel things and express my feelings. I’m a narcissist.
You explained my last 7 years of my life. My kids dad has expected all of this. Cleaning up the mess from his presence has been exhausting.
So true. I’m living in it as we speak.
Thank you for discussing the plight of a child of a narcissist (mother, in my case). It coloured my world more than I even know.
My partner and I are coming out on the other side, after having no contact with his family.
If an adult child has no contact with parents and sibling, why don’t people realize that it is deeply difficult decision. It was, and is, best for our nuclear family. “The delusional entitlement” that they have to see ournchildren but cannot be cordial or respect our boundaries.
Over one year no contact, I feel lighter. The toxic weight has been lifted.
Rules the kids and I had to live by:
Absolutely NOTHING out of place outside.
All bikes and trikes put away according to “Dad’s” specifications.
Dinner MUST be started in the oven or on the stove by the time “Dad” walked into the house.
Absolutely no one is to interact with “Dad” for the first 20-30 minutes after he arrives home. After that, interact at your risk.
Never interrupt “Dad” when he is watching a T.V. program. Especially the News.
I Any of these rules were violated at any time all HELL BROKE LOOSE!
I wonder if there could be a video done, regarding narcissism and caregiving. Because people DO need caregiving. However, it is VERRRY easy to be threatened, coerced, smeared and even bullied, by those who need care and enablers around them, who decide one person wi carry the responsibility of caregiving. Obviously, there might be natural caregiving roles, within families. But, I’ve seen and been the target of attempts at forced caregiving, by neighbors. This has happened to me alone, twice and I’ve heard it from others. I don’t know there are actual solutions, in these times of the Aging of America, against single living and a long term declining economy, compounded by people who don’t simply need care, but feel entitled to it, from whomever they feel they can force into it. But, in comes the topic of narcissistic abuse where, you can provide help to an appreciative neighbor, who tries their best to mitigate their circumstances and those who are narcissistic, who may be covertly excited to get a crown of grey, so they can overtake someone else’s life and life like kings and queens, unattached to any idea, that they may be destroying the life of another, because they may have even retired early, with no medical or financial plans and aren’t interested in the still gig economy, that a caregiver must also navigate. As I know it is a game of survival, I DO feel empathy for aging narcissists, in this situation. But, I will not trade my health, personal finances, and retirement, for someone, who I owe nothing to, so they can have a soft landing.
I had a Narc guy who is involved in the occult, spied on me via astral projection then dared to get mad at me because I was not wearing sexy enough clothes while at home alone while this guy wore clothes that has stains on them. The double standard is ridiculous! These people are sick and disgusting.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I am belly laughing at the memories coming back. After I was "zombified", I just could not remember dates and times. I could disappear in stores when he ranted, leave out the back of restaurants. Place cold pancakes on the table that he didn't eat for breakfast. I could not remember how to dress right either, mismatched shoes, inside out dresses. I developed a great vacant stare. I really had fun.
Realizing that no matter what I did, I'd be condemned and raged on actually made it so much easier. Rather than feeling helpless, it relieved me of the burden of trying to get it right and avoid the condemnation and rage. It wasn't my fault, I wasn't the key factor, I could realize it was him, and I could mentally disengage from the dynamic of centering appeasing him in my life and get on with making my life safer and more balanced.
That Catch-22 has been my Achilles heel for sooo long, and no one I know (me included!) how to prevent this criticism and dissatisfaction with us. People pleasing becomes “trying to take over” and asking them what they want is silence or some insane set of demands no one in their right mind could do. If you're told to back off and you switch into a hands-off policy you’re accused of neglecting them or worse. Either way, you’re the villian, always and forever.
My covert narc husband’s expectations were always going to be disappointed because - he wouldn’t say what they were! I was supposed to read his mind, my family on tiptoes for years…
Guarantee of you had met his expectations, he would’ve gotten pissed because he felt violated that you could read his mind. Mine does.
One of the most confounding things is they expect people to be mind readers to please them. And they think they are mind readers and that their pronouncements are law. And when time passes, and their edicts turn out to be wrong, they never apologize. Do they think they control the world through force of will?!
This reminds me of an incident that happened when I was a teenager. My mother went out on an errand, and I decided to clean the kitchen while she was gone. It's not something I usually did, but it was grimy and I thought, why not? When she came home, she immediately starting shaming me for "not cleaning the kitchen." I told her I had cleaned it, and my father told her I'd cleaned it. But she kept on nagging me. If I hadn't cleaned the kitchen? She probably wouldn't have said anything.
I definitely spent the 1st 20ish years of my adult life being trained to have unrealistic expectations and rage at everyone who couldn't meet my expectations and what I thought was everyone else's expectations. Then I went thru a burnout for doing too much that wasn't my responsibility and got some amazing therapy and found a job and group of people who didn't thrive on toxic behavior and I'm so much happier and healthier living within a realistic umbrella.
I'm so thankful to you for what you share. I just preordered your book on Amazon. You have completely changed my life. I was abused terribly by all kinds of narcissists because my parents were abusive narcissists. I went with what was familiar. Because of you I am continually freeing myself from their abuse. It's been a life of hell. You helped change that. I'm enjoying myself now and so much more.
Congratulations on everything you have done. You change people and help them out of hell. I am sooooo looking forward to reading your book. Thank you❤
A good friend referred me to you Dr. Ramini, because of my situation . I’m terribly afraid, I’m pregnant for a narcissist, and I feel like I’m on a roller coaster , he’s cycling, raging 😡, idk. This guy seemed perfect for me. Wonderful, attentive , loving 🥰, but he has created 2 different events/ rumors and blamed me for them. This is all fake, I was hoping ppl were saying things, but it’s false , it’s made up. I feel like I’m losing it, trying to understand why he’s doing this…
OMGOSH 😢
Dr. Ramani I know this is such a very personal experience for those who have been "there" in these relationships whether short or long ones. You really made me laugh though and I appreciate that very much. I am one of us. Thank you!
I can’t wait to read your book. Thank you Dr Ramani. You are amazing.
beautifully executed… thank you.
I am not a psychologist but I think I am a covert narcissist. I have never thought about me this way. That specifical behaviour is so about me and I don't want to do that way anymore but I don't know how. I don't want to pretend I am not the person who I am. Please please please can you make a video reaching to a narcissistic person about ways to minimise their toxic behaviour. Maybe there is a way to heal...
I appreciate your job! The channel is great! Thank you!
Good for you for exploring this! She has made some videos in the past specifically for people who think they might be narcs themselves. I would say focus less on the diagnosis and more on the difference between your behaviors and what you want to get an idea if you might need some changes and what kinds of changes to make. For example, most parents want a close relationship with their children but some are a bit unhinged. Some of those parents recognize their role when children push away and recognize that their behavior is not in keeping with their goal.
I think of it as their “Stepford Wife” fantasy…the original book or movie not the remade movie. Good luck with that Bucko.
I have literally told him, I'm a real human being not a stepford wife(robot here to please you)!
I once said that I thought he was in love with his idea of me and what I could do for him, rather than the reality of who I am.
“Their scary bond-villain office in order” 😂🤣🤣 Dr. R has a fabulous sense of humor!
This is one of your best videos!
I endured so much abuse from a narcissist father. I will never have a narcissist in my life again.
"to keep their underwear drawer alphabetised" hahahhaha Doc, have you met my father? Thank you for making me laugh :-)
"Perfect is not just the enemy of good, it's the enemy of mental health."
Love you ❤
Congrats on the book and thanks as always for illuminating this topic
It’s not just their expectations that are unrealistic. Their understanding of life events are also unrealistic.
Awesome insights, thank you Dr
Never understood why it was so hard for them to just tell me what they wanted, you'd think it would make life easier for them and us but if he taught me anything it was that people like that prefer life be difficult
Holy moly Dr Ramani you can make me lunch any time! Even better let me cook you lunch lol as a thank you