Boundaries Setting Without Being An A**HOLE

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  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 พ.ย. 2024
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ความคิดเห็น • 599

  • @sushmayen
    @sushmayen ปีที่แล้ว +333

    They play the innocent victim when you set boundaries. Don't let them live in your head or your life, if boundaries don't work

    • @candie5150
      @candie5150 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      Love that color on you.

    • @cameroncameron2826
      @cameroncameron2826 ปีที่แล้ว

      'They' don't exist & its all in your head.

    • @dianatenney7821
      @dianatenney7821 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      So true life humbles you when your older... it doesn't seem to work that way with narcissists boundaries or not.

    • @GreeneChakra
      @GreeneChakra ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Thank You!

    • @OGAngie
      @OGAngie ปีที่แล้ว +14

      I have a coworker that's probably a covert narcissist and politely setting boundaries or giving factual feedback nicely will be seen as an attack to them no matter how I put it

  • @dianas2766
    @dianas2766 ปีที่แล้ว +63

    I was once told by a kind and intelligent social worker that yes, I had a problem, but I was not the problem. What an eye-opener that was!

  • @lorawhite1017
    @lorawhite1017 ปีที่แล้ว +102

    If you don't set boundaries your MEAN to your self.its called self respect and self love

  • @LoveDancingLoveSinging
    @LoveDancingLoveSinging ปีที่แล้ว +288

    Setting a boundary with a narcicist is same as declaring a world war! 😊

    • @annjohnson8437
      @annjohnson8437 ปีที่แล้ว +18

      You got that right!

    • @dianatenney7821
      @dianatenney7821 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      So true! My grandma once told me as a child going to school...if you haven't been called a ABC yet you haven't lived life...found that the truth the older I got!

    • @drewgrant2795
      @drewgrant2795 ปีที่แล้ว +18

      Glad to see this comment because I’m new to setting boundaries, they’re highly uncomfortable for me to set but it comes down to my physical/mental/emotional safety (and my child’s) and word for word my narc group said “you want a war?” - your comment shows me I’m not insane and I truely do need to keep boundaries with these people, I didn’t think they’d be so unhinged on me doing so though Jesus😅 they definitely got too comfortable with me being available 24/7 and feeding into their every need/want and were used to that treatment. Feels reviving to give it back to myself though

    • @dianatenney7821
      @dianatenney7821 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@drewgrant2795 They were for me too as we have bullies in school even...my grandma did help me a lot as she was there when we were young... but as we grew up creating new ones was difficult... and people come unhinged over no I can't this time etc etc.

    • @dianatenney7821
      @dianatenney7821 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      @penijoni1316 They get harder when it's family members ...they are used of walking all over you!

  • @yashasvinigam590
    @yashasvinigam590 ปีที่แล้ว +164

    I love how honestly you could share about your trauma bonded state. Thank you Dr. Ramani for existing and this channel. I feel less lonely because of you. ❤

    • @donnahill758
      @donnahill758 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      You do this teaching in such a loving way. Yashasvinigam590 thank you for highlighting how good Dr Ramani is

    • @brookea518
      @brookea518 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      She really is great isn’t she! ❤

    • @Matriarch57
      @Matriarch57 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I was just wondering about the cause of my behavior a week ago. She just validated the thoughts that I had about it by stating what she stated. That was HUGE!

  • @AshleyMichelle369
    @AshleyMichelle369 ปีที่แล้ว +152

    Lol my family legit feels like I’m an asshole, negative, and bitchy.. the reality is.. I’m very honest and I speak up/call out everybody’s abuse/disrespect.. my father is a narcissist.. he actually wrote the book on how to be a narcissist.. he can’t stand strong women. Unfortunately for him I have my mother’s strength and his sharp tongue..

    • @kurthanke5788
      @kurthanke5788 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      It's none of my business, but that sounds like a family to stay away from, sad to say.
      I have a sister like that. But the good part, is she lives 800-plus miles away, so we don't have to see her. The only reason she does, is due to the fact that her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's

    • @Lipanj92
      @Lipanj92 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      He wrote what?!? 😅
      That's WILD.

    • @Blätter_teig
      @Blätter_teig ปีที่แล้ว +4

      except for the book situation, everything you said describes my family situation. Am sorry for everything you had to go through, especially as a child.

    • @someonespecial581
      @someonespecial581 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@Lipanj92I don’t think she meant that Literally

    • @Lipanj92
      @Lipanj92 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@someonespecial581 She said: "he *actually* wrote a book...", and I didn't think it was a metaphor but you're right, it could be 😅

  • @Lisa-gx1zv
    @Lisa-gx1zv ปีที่แล้ว +91

    It’s disheartening to see how many people react ro someone setting a healthy boundary. I have had weak to nonexistent boundaries my entire life. After being in a relationship with a full-blown narcissist, on and off for seven years, with the incredible help of these videos, I now realize that if I had healthy boundaries I wouldn’t have been in that relationship for that long. I have started setting boundaries with family and friends and each time have been met with opposition. This is a very telltale way to find out who is healthy in your life and who really cares about you and your well-being.

    • @Angela-ni8mo
      @Angela-ni8mo ปีที่แล้ว +9

      People become angry because they can no longer step all over you and use you.

    • @d.a.hunter4409
      @d.a.hunter4409 ปีที่แล้ว

      I’m

    • @GeorgeGlass298
      @GeorgeGlass298 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Their true colors shine though that's for sure. I have never seen anybody flip out so much as the time I asked a narcissist to stop eating my food and to ask before they take something if they didn't buy it or make it themselves. There was a unbelievable tantrum. After that they kept purposely taking people's food just to push people's buttons. And then when it was brought up to them they pretended they didn't know what they were doing wrong.

    • @Lisa-gx1zv
      @Lisa-gx1zv ปีที่แล้ว

      @@GeorgeGlass298 the same thing happened to me! My ex narc’s son kept eating all of the food I was buying, and I merely asked that he ask beforehand as a courtesy, because, whenever I would go to get some of the food, there wouldn’t be any. I brought over a bottle of Evian water, and he asked me if he could have some in a glass. I said yes, of course and thank you for asking. I was then reprimanded for 20 minutes on how her son should not have to ask me for food or a drink of water. I was called the food police. I was called selfish. I was told that I think I’m better than everyone else. Oh my. It went on and on.

  • @OneAdam12Adam
    @OneAdam12Adam ปีที่แล้ว +58

    Thanks for this episode. It resonated with me especially when you said,
    "When you've lived as long as I have, I don't think you don't have to play with all the kids in the sandbox."

  • @IzabelaWaniek-i1x
    @IzabelaWaniek-i1x ปีที่แล้ว +44

    When you have been forced to deal with a lot of narcisistic people and have been humiliated and dismissed countless times you arrive at a spot where you realise you do not need to play with all of the kids in the sandbox and it feels great! Thank you dr Ramani❤ God bless you❤

  • @kathydean2609
    @kathydean2609 ปีที่แล้ว +74

    It’s really tough, yes. For me to even attempt to ask/tell someone about what I need or set a boundary is a very big deal. Huge. If they have the narcissistic pattern going on, they usually get nasty. I’ve had to be a bit abrupt with them. I’m absolutely learning that I don’t appeal to everyone. So be it!

    • @brookea518
      @brookea518 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      My first attempts were really bad! I got a lot better. Don’t let them get to you. Stay strong and keep working on refining it. ❤

    • @dianas2766
      @dianas2766 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      I took a liking to not being liked by everyone. Takes a while, but it's a good feeling.

  • @camadams9149
    @camadams9149 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    7:20 That is fiercely relatable. Growing up people frequently let me down when I needed them. In some ways that was a good thing. I run a very tight ship & very rarely need people now.
    I also view "favors" as a great way of clearing out my social circles. I don't have kids yet & Im very efficient, so Im never up to anything. As a result I do a lot of favors. That 1am airport pickup or 11am doctors appoint? I got you. That also means when I have a flat tire and need a ride home, you will come and get me or I will jack that car up, mallet the wheel off, put a new one on, and then block your number & all social media
    I have very few boundaries & they are almost exclusively "You won't yell at me" "You will not abuse me". I also use other people's boundaries to determine if they are allowed in my life. If you aren't ever willing to help me out... well what's your function in my life besides being a pit that consumes my energy & time?

    • @BeeBeeBell
      @BeeBeeBell ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Very relatable.

    • @shayshaymann113
      @shayshaymann113 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      This hits home for me too!!

    • @sellyourhomenowbook
      @sellyourhomenowbook ปีที่แล้ว

      Sounds transactional

    • @lucyt-c8092
      @lucyt-c8092 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@sellyourhomenowbook and what is wrong with that ! “ transactionable “… give something to get something … seems fait to me .

    • @lucyt-c8092
      @lucyt-c8092 ปีที่แล้ว

      fair

  • @lynnebucher6537
    @lynnebucher6537 ปีที่แล้ว +39

    I found out the hard way that setting a boundary with my now ex simply let him know what he could do to REALLY piss me off.

    • @cdorothy444
      @cdorothy444 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Antagonistic

    • @mandabillie5420
      @mandabillie5420 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      This! omg it's so frustrating! He made me feel absolutely crazy for months!

  • @lou1880
    @lou1880 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Thank you for this! Advice I've often heard when needing a favor from someone is "There is no harm in asking. The worst they can say is No." This is true if the person you're asking happens to be a normal, well-adjusted human. My narcissistic mom will shame people in the most condescending and passive-aggressive manner possible. "I'm sorry you asked me that." There are so many ways to be told no, ranging from feeling mild disappointment to feeling like you have been punched in the gut.

  • @ReikiandResonance
    @ReikiandResonance ปีที่แล้ว +14

    “I don’t think you need to play with all the kids in the sandbox.”
    😂 love it!

  • @kathleenw
    @kathleenw ปีที่แล้ว +3

    "I don't think you need to play with all of the kids in the sandbox" so apposite, so succinct, 😻 thank you

  • @MicheleLHarvey
    @MicheleLHarvey ปีที่แล้ว +15

    I too, have problems asking for help & favors. Because of close narcissists in my life, I've had to learn to lower expectation to the point where I expect no as an answer. My boundary has become, get a no? Don't let it enter you. Let it go & move on. Now you know who & what you're dealing with. BTW, a no should always be delivered with kindness. Always. No excuse.

  • @evoz4489
    @evoz4489 ปีที่แล้ว +26

    Thank you for showing us your human side Dr. Ramani. Some people think that clinical psychologists must have it all "figured out". But we're all on this journey together. Btw...i don't like abrupt either. And, sadly, I've given up trying to analyze people that have a false self. It drains the soul.

  • @theglobalvagabond3074
    @theglobalvagabond3074 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    I love the way you say Boundaries. "Just set a Boooundary ; maybe I need a Boooundary" Just what I needed before going to work😁

  • @FuzzyValentine-n3h
    @FuzzyValentine-n3h ปีที่แล้ว +39

    I've been less than compassionate with people who test my patience and who have crossed my boundaries repeatedly. But these are also people I don't want relationships with. But in a work context, I try to balance my people pleasing and over explaining with being courteous when responding to work emails. It's is hard to know when I'm doing something from a healthy place vs a trauma fear place. I need to get better at communicating and respecting boundaries. Thank you for the wake up call. ❤

    • @cdorothy444
      @cdorothy444 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Just only talk work at work be a gray rock

  • @phillipearle4669
    @phillipearle4669 ปีที่แล้ว +49

    I’m terrible at setting boundaries. I hate conflict too. Basically I go no contact with ppl who don’t treat me well. I’m true to myself, but easily taken advantage of, going out of my way trying to make someone happy. That usually ends badly. For me, its easier to walk away than to set a boundary

    • @brendaalter7172
      @brendaalter7172 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Me too, because I must not make the boundary lines clear, no one ever respects them. I am 68 now, and don’t really care much anymore.

    • @jarrod210478
      @jarrod210478 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Walk the path of a loving and compassionate person using the eight tools of Righteousness.
      Loyalty
      Honour
      Respect
      Morals
      Empathy
      Remorse
      Inspiration
      Encouragement
      And do not turn a blind eye to oppressive, controlling, immoral, harmful or dishonest behaviour.
      Eventually….’The Toxic Ones’ have nowhere to hide because there won’t be anywhere for them to hide.
      We all have a responsibility to ensure the morality of mankind is maintained at or above the minimum standard.

    • @henryvanveen5365
      @henryvanveen5365 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I tend to be like that as well. If you do not plug into my emotional well being, I go cold on you. Tired of negative people being aggressive. I am also tired of "Yes, but..." or "If....." It never works out

    • @moniqueengleman873
      @moniqueengleman873 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Ah grasshopper, you must walk the way of conflict with kindness.
      Boundaries are so important.

    • @MT-kc7xp
      @MT-kc7xp ปีที่แล้ว +2

      It takes WAY too much energy to be around people with whom you have to constantly set and defend your boundaries. Going no contact with them is a sane decision. I'd rather be by myself or use my limited time & energy with respectful folks.

  • @kandacehart6867
    @kandacehart6867 ปีที่แล้ว +32

    It has taken me a long time to finally make more mental/emotional categories for people in my life. I had too few and struggled with boundaries. I got accused of quite a few unfair things recently when I set a boundary with someone. This person then cried victim and one of their enablers made these unfair accusations. Instead of allowing myself to stay emotionally compromised over the accusations, I spent a week managing my emotions and then placing that person in the appropriate category and am thankful now that they showed me who they are and what they think of me so I don't waste anymore of my time trying to build a relationship with them.

    • @margaretmironowicz3072
      @margaretmironowicz3072 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Thank you so much for this outlook. I am also 'thankful now'.

    • @Poodle_Gun
      @Poodle_Gun ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Their enabler relationship won't last. They'll engage in a power game, break it off, and one of them will be the "victim" who was "tricked by a narcissist."
      It's really easy for people to care about fake victims, but it's easier to split once you know what they're up to.

    • @sterntaler64
      @sterntaler64 ปีที่แล้ว

      They react in the way of "attack is the best defense"... but it's not 🙂 They are losing you. A big loss for them. Hard, but eventually better living for you 😊 Stay strong 🍀🙏💜

    • @SuzannaLiessa
      @SuzannaLiessa ปีที่แล้ว +1

      "I spent a week managing my emotions." That is beautiful. You took the time to actively manage your emotions so you could put yourself in a healthy, functional place. Thank you for sharing this, because I am taking notes.

  • @kingbee9778
    @kingbee9778 ปีที่แล้ว +54

    If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem.

    • @soniahathaway1
      @soniahathaway1 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I get you. 👌

    • @katey614
      @katey614 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      I can totally relate to this! When I first started setting boundaries with certain family members a few years ago, it was absolutely AWFUL for a while...all of the above plus stalking, harassment, threats, health problems from the stress of it all...BUT, patience, persistence, and staying calm, respectful, and factual has really helped a lot. Obviously it hasn't changed THEM, but it has helped ME. Like, "Hey! I just stood up for myself even tho I was scared, AND I did it in a respectful way, AND I didn't take it personally when they responded badly!" For so many years I thought I was to blame for their negative responses to my boundaries, like I wasn't doing it right or something...When I finally realized that I literally CAN'T change them, and that I needed to stop trying so hard, it was a light-bulb moment for me. Now I just focus on setting healthy boundaries in a respectful way and being proud of myself if I do a good job.
      p.s. A "side effect" of my perseverance has been that some of the narcs in my life eventually got tired of being reminded of my boundaries, or disappointed that I was no longer "taking the bait", or embarrassed at being consistently, respectfully called out when they crossed a line, so now they don't bother me quite so often :)

    • @SuzannaLiessa
      @SuzannaLiessa ปีที่แล้ว +6

      ​@@katey614When you set boundaries and people react badly, it's a compliment, in an ugly sort of way. You're showing them that you are too strong for them to control, and they don't like it.
      Kudos for sticking to it the way you describe. Setting boundaries often results in escalation, and it’s easy to get discouraged.

    • @SuzannaLiessa
      @SuzannaLiessa ปีที่แล้ว +10

      You're describing what happened in my marriage. I started setting boundaries, although I wouldn't have called it that at the time, and there was massive escalation. The same happened with one of my children, who was also abusive. Now the narrative is that Mom is crazy. But there's nothing I can do about that, and the abuse was killing me inside. I'm estranged from two of my children, probably permanently, but the alternative was submitting to more abuse. It breaks my heart, and I've done a lot of weeping, but I don't love anybody enough to let them trample on me.

    • @Ab3ndcgi
      @Ab3ndcgi ปีที่แล้ว +1

      It allways marvelled me that they continue to do so, even after attending "family counseling". But still expect you to honor the terms of agreement established by mediators, because of you know, " healthy relationships require compromise and sh*t from both parts"; even when you are just trying to survive at the receiving end of abuse. Family systems like this weaponize therapists and social workers at every chance.

  • @bookbeing
    @bookbeing ปีที่แล้ว +16

    Thank you! I struggle so much with this. It is agony to ask for help. If i can't somehow do it myself , I'd rather just give up, hide, shut down than be at the mercy of others.

  • @genevalawrence801
    @genevalawrence801 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    Dr. Ramani, there is something you brought up while covering this topic that I'd love to hear more about - how to acknowledge the need for help, and how to ask for it. You mentioned that as a survivor this is difficult for you. It is for me, and my young adult children, and I suspect for many of us in this community. How do we work on this? Thanks in advance for considering this topic for a future video.

  • @kathryncothern3433
    @kathryncothern3433 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Boundaries are absolutely pertinent for oneself. As an Empath, I have NO issues defining and holding steadfast with my boundaries. It's how I didn't fall into the narcissist's behavior and treatment. I walked away unscathed and sooooo much more educated, per se. 💜

  • @gertrudewest4535
    @gertrudewest4535 ปีที่แล้ว +64

    Sadly, our society is unraveling. The golden rule is dead. I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you. In every instance, trying to set a boundary, no matter how polite or professional I am has only sparked resentment that has on three occasions resulted in the loss of a much needed job. Americans, in general have no coping skills. We are a nation of addicts and all the psychological problems that go along with that. It seems that letting most people know what is important to you will be used as ammunition. I don’t think that the therapy class ( whose comfortable lifestyles protect them), are keeping up with the current pace of American hatred and self destruction. I think these dark times call for better skills at self protection. I personally recognize my boundaries but keep it to myself and just put your behavior in your dossier- I keep a polite distance preserving my energy for me and my family , ( the feathered people). Interesting, the 10% of humanity who would step back and listen, doesn’t need to have the boundaries talk - they practice the golden rule.

    • @jessidae6332
      @jessidae6332 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      Thank you for this! This is so spot on ! ❤😊

    • @1ACL
      @1ACL ปีที่แล้ว +8

      It seems to me that people are crazier than ever, so one needs "boundries ", and a ton of discernment.

    • @gertrudewest4535
      @gertrudewest4535 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Agreed, but just saying I keep it to myself and don’t advertise my boundaries.

    • @1ACL
      @1ACL ปีที่แล้ว

      yes, I agree it's better to not say, just do. And no need to explain too much, really.@@gertrudewest4535

    • @JB-jg1tc
      @JB-jg1tc ปีที่แล้ว

      A simple way of putting boundaries is ‘saying no’. Many people won’t tolerate someone saying no. But not saying no is a recipe for self destruction.
      When setting boundaries that caused you to lose jobs, was it saying no to unreasonable behavior?
      Because if it was, they had put in in the place of either saying no, or being run over. Either way, you were shortly going to have a major problem.

  • @veronice_ronnie
    @veronice_ronnie ปีที่แล้ว +74

    You have to remind narcissists about your boundaries constantly, or they will cross them.

    • @ThimbleFox350
      @ThimbleFox350 ปีที่แล้ว +25

      Eh they will still cross them whenever they please haha...Unless there are witnesses to the behavior ofc.

    • @ReikiandResonance
      @ReikiandResonance ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@ThimbleFox350this!

    • @ic7804
      @ic7804 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Well, in my case it felt like a game I was setting up myself to loose it.

    • @lorettanericcio-bohlman567
      @lorettanericcio-bohlman567 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      Seems they take it as a challenge

    • @genevalawrence801
      @genevalawrence801 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      Mine got off on violating boundaries. It made him feel powerful.

  • @Meowch3
    @Meowch3 ปีที่แล้ว +18

    Love this. I suspect a lot of abrupt people don't mean to be jerks -- they may just be socially inept...but frankly I never have it in me to stick around long enough to find out. If you can't be human while setting a boundary, then that's the last you'll ever hear from me. That's MY boundary, I guess.

    • @IshtarNike
      @IshtarNike ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I've got to respectfully disagree. Nine times out of ten when they're called out on it they double down. That suggests they really aren't sorry. If you get to your thirties and still act like that there's pretty much zero chance they haven't been called out multiple times already. They are doing it on purpose and just don't care.

    • @Meowch3
      @Meowch3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@IshtarNike
      You make an excellent point. I have met one blunt adult who did genuinely care, and tried to stop hurting others with her bluntness, but she just could not do it. It was a sore spot for her and she ended up throwing her hands in the air after years of trying. It wasn't that she had no sense of what sort of words might sting...she said she just didn't know how else to phrase her sentences. Now that I think back on it, I think the real trouble was her inability to discern facts from her own honest opinions. She thought she was just "telling it like it is" by being logical, but her logic was propped up with hidden emotional assumptions. She couldn't see that she was choosing "logical facts" based on her own perception of which facts were important or worthy enough to mention. That involves making a series of (perhaps unconscious) emotional decisions, which are fueled by one's own emotional or moral agenda. Nothing logical about it. It's just manipulation, albeit unintentional.
      For people that don't care and are doing it on purpose, I suppose I see it as less a deliberate choice on their part and more as an unfortunate consequence of them shutting down their capacity to be vulnerable, maybe because they've been hurt badly when they were still dependent children and couldn't otherwise cope without the emotional support they were supposed to receive. If you're defended against vulnerable feelings like sadness, disappointment, shame, regret, etc. you can't care even if you want to, because caring puts you at risk of feeling those painful emotions, and your brain is on auto-pilot doing mental gymnastics to avoid that at all costs. If you can't feel your own pain, the pain of others will be incomprehensible and you won't get that you're doing anything wrong. I see these sort of people as unreachable unless they regain their capacity to feel hurt. Narcissists are a whole other ball game though...they know they're hurting you AND they know what they're doing is wrong, and they still don't care. Yikes!

  • @costelloandlizzievolk2233
    @costelloandlizzievolk2233 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    When I had to nervously learn to set boundaries with an over powering ex narcissist ‘friend’ who was being super inappropriate and disrespectful, she was minimizing and dismissive of it all. I had to learn to be kind but firm with them, yet she still freaked on me. She always expected me to respect her boundaries but she never respected mine, no matter how I expressed it. I agonized over what to say and it caused me severe stress. It became super unhealthy for me so I had to walk away from the friendship. It really shows what kind of person someone is in how they respond to your boundaries. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

  • @yazminhab1945
    @yazminhab1945 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thank you for making this video. The new "mental health" trend is overcorrecting yesteryears' doormat issues by promoting an attitude of "not my problem, you're not crossing this line" without open/kind communication first. Not boundaries; electrified, solid-steel walls. Such relationship damage and individual devastation, which will harvest a whole new generation of brokenness and pain.
    And the new therapists hungry to jump on this burning-bridge and nose-breaking door-slamming trend are kindling it.
    There is absolutely situations where such responses may be necessary, but this is becoming THE way, liberally spread and adopted, destroying loving families and relationships that could/should be salvaged.

  • @GoodLuckMagnet
    @GoodLuckMagnet ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I found your personal anecdotes in this video so damn refreshing!

  • @jannlewandowski5540
    @jannlewandowski5540 ปีที่แล้ว +22

    Hi Dr Ramani. Always keep your guard up when it comes to your boundaries. I was caught "off-guard" by a woman i met and befriended in a narc room, then i realized how damaged she is. I let it go, but i won't forget it. It was a test, and a great lesson. I broke all ties with her and I'm fine with it. GOOD TOPIC 👍

  • @orielwiggins2225
    @orielwiggins2225 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Oh my! Thank you! This is what I'm going thru RIGHT NOW. I've tried all my life, when I rarely even do, to set boundaries so empathically, and I just get mostly the repeating of my trauma, gaslighting etc. And while I'm currently doing my best to set more firm and carefully clearly stated and repeated boundaries, that doesn't mean folks are going to respect them even when they give lip service that they will.
    And then I shared that with someone who ASKED how it was going with these boundary denyers, and this friend did exactly what you were saying. Blame me as if I'm not setting boundaries with these folks. As if I'm the cause of their poor behavior cuz I'm "allowing it" by not being clear at all. Unfortunately that friend has done this in such a way that was rather presumptive and shaming and very hurtful, which is my whole trauma history, and tbh, theirs as well. It's awful.
    Thank you for yet again helping us stay clear on our reality and how difficult this is even when you muster the courage yet again.

  • @theresafowler9000
    @theresafowler9000 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I loved when you said “I don’t have to play with everyone in the sandbox!” So true!! Thanks! :)

  • @sanaahmed4817
    @sanaahmed4817 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    What a great video! Dr Ramani, you have a great sense of humor!

  • @poojaindia
    @poojaindia ปีที่แล้ว +13

    I relate so strongly with your personal experience of difficulty in asking for help, giving them a out and being so curteous and wanting to do everything myself and shutting down deciding never to ask for help when abruptly told no or just ignored❤

  • @terryhutchings7701
    @terryhutchings7701 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    If you grew up in a house where you were not allowed to have your own needs met, thoughts or feelings; boundaries might as well be a foreign word. I didn’t even know what that meant ‘setting boundaries’. I had to ask my therapist.

  • @SerenityWithSelf
    @SerenityWithSelf ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Aw man, I was reactively setting boundaries yesterday and ended up being an asshole 😭 I recentered myself and apologized and expressed my feelings and needs in a more diplomatic way today.
    😂would have been useful to see this yesterday but we live and we learn!

  • @Austin171
    @Austin171 ปีที่แล้ว +16

    Your wisdom in dealing with narcissists is invaluable, and I also love to hear about topics that can help when not dealing with a narcissist!

    • @lorettanericcio-bohlman567
      @lorettanericcio-bohlman567 ปีที่แล้ว

      You do realize Dr Ramani specializes in narcissism, right?

    • @Austin171
      @Austin171 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Not sure what you're getting at... I'm simply saying this topic is helpful for dealing with everyone, not just narcissists. I appreciate that.

  • @jennrobi38
    @jennrobi38 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    So appreciate u sharing your own experience of trying to set boundaries.👍🏻🙏❤

  • @robinkholmes7127
    @robinkholmes7127 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    It's the enforcing boundaries that people tend to struggle with, especially around narcs.

  • @jrhc3827
    @jrhc3827 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    "...an overwhelming discomfort in my body" when I am faced with asking someone for a favor. Absolutely! I have postponed my colonoscopy because I have to ask someone to drive me!

    • @BeeBeeBell
      @BeeBeeBell ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Relatable. There are actually services that will take you and are licensed for a moderate fee. Get the colonoscopy then work on asking people for assistance.

    • @sterntaler64
      @sterntaler64 ปีที่แล้ว

      Please, get the colonoscopy done at next possible date 🙏 There are surely people "grateful to be needed". 😊🍀

  • @jswan312
    @jswan312 ปีที่แล้ว +26

    The problem with being nice about setting boundaries is that it’s often the people who refuse to pick up on nonverbal cues that need to have boundaries put in place.
    I had to get nasty with a creep in the office who would not pick up on strong nonverbal cues that I was NOT INTERESTED in him. By the time I expressed the boundary it came out like rage. I feel bad about that but didn’t know what else to do and was feeling triggered and unsafe by his constant unwanted attention. 😬

    • @xiphocostal
      @xiphocostal ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Don't give clues.Tell them.

    • @Crafty-One
      @Crafty-One ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Try saying in a KIND voice. ''Im so sorry!! But Im really not interested''. I bet that will work. Its cus you one foot in and one foot out. theres no need to be a jerk about it or mean or agressive or demeaning. Imagine it was you. Dont be a giving clues and then blow up.

  • @someonerandom256
    @someonerandom256 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    The one time I set a boundary, I tried being nice, and they tried guilt-tripping me, so I was very clear and blunt. They hung up and never asked me for another favor. I'm sorry if their feelings were hurt, but that's a win in my book!

  • @bethharvey5170
    @bethharvey5170 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Thank you for your vulnerability in using yourself as an example, Dr Ramani. Feels good to know that I’m not alone in feeling upset by rude/abrupt people.

  • @carolniemann8966
    @carolniemann8966 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    It is so difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. I should’ve known better, but when I was left with two kids when my husband died, and everyone and their uncle was bombarding me with, “If you need anything, just ask,” I finally gained the courage to ask for the help of someone who had offered it, I was promptly and rudely shut down. I was so discouraged and felt so alone. When people ask my advice on how to help widows I tell them not to say “If you need anything just ask,” unless they truly mean it.

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Excellent advice.

  • @tracytaylor9825
    @tracytaylor9825 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Thank you Dr Ramani for being here on TH-cam. Your information and advice on the narcissistic personality, is invaluable. Thank you.

  • @rafaellecampionmasson3752
    @rafaellecampionmasson3752 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    I have a friend who's very nice, if he can help, he will. But, he can't or doesn't want to, he will just say "no". He is abrupt, but when you learn to know him, you know it's not to make you feel bad, it's just his way to say "no". But as you said, one doesn't have to like everyone, I'd add one can't like everyone.❤

  • @joehernandez6260
    @joehernandez6260 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I love it, Thank You Dr. Ramani❤

  • @craigmerkey8518
    @craigmerkey8518 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I really appreciate how vulnerable you are in in this example!

  • @johns2248
    @johns2248 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    You are so smart and candid for making sense out of chaos! You're a wealth of knowledge!

  • @theresaconley5930
    @theresaconley5930 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thank you Dr. Ramani. I've always dreaded having to ask anyone for anything and still have trouble asking because of all the negative responses and avoidant reactions. I don't feel so alone navigating through my own feelings and thought processes when it comes to being rejected now. Somehow there's healing there, even while wobbling on the stepping stones trying to keep balanced. Thanks for sharing.

  • @amberspicks547
    @amberspicks547 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    As someone who has really struggled with setting and even more so, standing up for my boundaries, I sometimes swing too far the opposite direction. I’m still learning how to stand up for myself…

  • @leeannschaffer1433
    @leeannschaffer1433 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Dr. R., you've talked about how society keeps sliding to the more narcissistic end of the continuum. I'm reminded often of my re-written form of the aphorism about common sense, "Common courtesy isn't so common anymore."
    I've taken to saying to myself as I turn away from them, "Ok... ya burnt." Then I put them in a mental box of trash.😅

  • @madelinebock6469
    @madelinebock6469 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Your wonderful instructions have been very helpful in my establishing boundaries nicely, and without saying "sorry, but." Simply stating, "I cant do that" is enough.

  • @anav1785
    @anav1785 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    I suspected, but didn't really know, that my problem asking for help and that feeling of rejection and dismisiveness, feeling you own your life to whoever helps you once, was from my trauma of growing up in a narcissistic family. Clear to me now. Thank you!

  • @starqueenlotus3755
    @starqueenlotus3755 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thanks for sharing Doc. Completely relatable... It feels terrifying to the core to express a need... i belong to two narcissists parents who dint give me food and used to abuse me when i asked for it... also physically abused all the time .. even the basic needs of food & safety was denied by my narc parents.... and all my life I have had such people in my life in career who did the same thing

  • @jarrod210478
    @jarrod210478 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Great Vid Doc. Perfect timing for my very good friend who is currently going through a bit of a rough time with a long term guest in his home who continues to step over my friends (and his wife's) personal boundaries.
    My friend is close to breaking point due to many of the reasons you discuss in the video........which really boils down to my friend no longer feeling 'at ease' or 'comfortable' in his own home. My friend has a good heart and he has always struggled to say "No".
    I reckon your video might be just the thing he need's right now, so thank you.

  • @kaizen_5091
    @kaizen_5091 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    When hearing Doctor Ramani speak of her feelings around setting boundaries is so relatable. Her content helps me feel better about myself because it gives me a healthy framework to look at my experiences and make good judgement. Bit by bit I am getting rid of ill-conceived notions of myself, and others based on the decades of narcissistic abuse.

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว

      She is simply the best!

    • @kaizen_5091
      @kaizen_5091 ปีที่แล้ว

      Agree 💯💖@@palalechat

  • @ThanksHermione
    @ThanksHermione ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Setting boundaries with my mom is tough. She's talented at rationalizing and I don't want her trying to talk me out of my boundaries or judging them. As a lawyer, she can argue for or against anything.

    • @scuba6797
      @scuba6797 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      The point is it doesn't matter if its rational or important to her its important to you thus she should respect it.

  • @stepintoyourpower
    @stepintoyourpower ปีที่แล้ว +1

    You are a gift to humanity Dr. Ramani ❤Never have I felt so much love and appreciation for someone I have never even met as I do for you. Thank you for everything you do, your work has helped me (and so many others) more than you can know :)

  • @qnkendra1523
    @qnkendra1523 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    This has been a huge and on going challenge for me. I joke now that I used to have such loose boundaries until someone hit one hard then I'd push back so hard it was bad and cruel at times. I've been learning to set boundaries more gently but there is always that trigger where old learned behaviors come out. I figured it was because in order to have my boundaries respected with my toxic family I had to get nasty so nasty they didn't want to deal with the drama of pushing me. And I've gotten better but like with asking for help/ letting my needs be known it's a challenge and I check myself often.

  • @alimccreery755
    @alimccreery755 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    I get totally what you’re saying. I try to rely on myself so when someone offers to help me when I really need it I’m extremely grateful. I just got away from a few narcissistic people that I thought were my friends but in actuality I was the friend and they weren’t. I’m no longer tolerating one way relationships. I’m not bitter about it as I still have some healing to do big time and I’m going through a grieving process over the loss of my little dog as well which has been harder to deal with 😢💔. I believe I have better days ahead and I’m keeping my faith close to me ✡️🔯. My faith is what keeps me strong and moving on. I never learned to properly set boundaries from childhood so my adventures with the narcissist has been a eye opener experience. I should be grateful at this point of my life and not just drifting in the sea of narcissistic personality types and dodging the red flags 🚩 because I want to have friends, no one needs friends like that. If I want my life to be miserable I can do it all on my own without any help 😊. The trauma bond hits home with me.

    • @donnahill758
      @donnahill758 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I totally appreciate your comment. I am such an empath and that has been the cause of friends who are not friends. Recently I have had to stop these one sided friendships with three people. It has been painful but I am proud of my new skills. I am also proud of you😊

    • @alimccreery755
      @alimccreery755 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@donnahill758 thank you for your support. I usually don’t take compliments well as I’m modest but I agree with you and I’m proud of myself for handling a particular situation just recently. I had a so called friend who knew I was moving send me a text weeks before I moved that she wanted to have dinner with me. After her text I heard nothing. Then almost a month later well after I moved I get this text about how much she misses me so my reply back was that she’s the one who wanted to have dinner with me and then I heard nothing so where in that time frame did she really miss me. I changed my cell number because it’s important that I stay no contact with toxic people. I think that that message should be crystal clear, you think 🤔

    • @madelinebock6469
      @madelinebock6469 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Sorry about your furbaby. You sound strong and I know youll get through it. Baruch Hashem we were born with brains, now we need to slough off the trauma bond.

    • @alimccreery755
      @alimccreery755 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@madelinebock6469 absolutely 👍

    • @lorettanericcio-bohlman567
      @lorettanericcio-bohlman567 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Whenever I lose a much loved pet I have to remind myself that grief is not linear and to take as much time as you need to process. Then I remember a quote by the Greek philosopher Pericles (495-429 BC) “Those who can most truly be accounted brave are those who best know the meaning of what is sweet in life and what is terrible, and then go out undeterred to meet what is to come.” 💐

  • @DesertNebula
    @DesertNebula ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I love setting boundaries now. Especially towards narcissistic humans.
    Then I smile when they get petty.
    Give em the eye roll, giggle and waltz away.

  • @SanamJanamian
    @SanamJanamian ปีที่แล้ว +3

    I finally figured out what type of narcissist I have been dealing with thanks to Dr. Ramani. Neglectful narcissist! Thanks Dr. Rameni! This was such an important discovery for me. Now everything makes so much more sense

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว

      Dr. Ramani setting us free. A massive gift to humanity. I'm so glad for you that you now know the mechanism of abuse and are building tools to protect yourself.

  • @stingylizard
    @stingylizard ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Thanks! A year ago,I knew nothing about NPD's. My new girlfriend started love-bombing me and it just felt weird. Couldn't put a finger on the exact problem,it shifted. The lack of respect for boundaries led me to dig deeper. Typed in all my notes for internet searches and everything came back NPD. BUMMER! What was too messed up was her empty eyes reminded me of someone that stressed me out. Took a week to realize it was the same mirror-eyes as my mom. Ewww...damnzit😳

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Those empty eyes, a "dead" giveaway. And on the other end of the spectrum, tha "I will drain every ounce of your humanity " needy eyes. The many faces of narcissism! 😂

  • @m.e.3614
    @m.e.3614 หลายเดือนก่อน

    It is so difficult to imagine Dr. Ramani struggling with setting boundaries and dealing with receiving cold replies from curt people. She is so together and intelligent. But I appreciate her honesty very much because it shows everyone has their struggles. We do not always see our selves as others do.

  • @angelacahill9460
    @angelacahill9460 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    For me, an unknown phenomena, this thing called 'boundaries'. Then, many years of learning. Finally, putting into practice, very badly at first. Practice makes perfect. Still working on it.

  • @steph3098
    @steph3098 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    I can set boundaries. It's the holding that I struggle with. Both my husband and son poke around the edges to see exactly what they can get away with. It's so subtle sometimes and I can be logiced and lawyered into giving a little here and there until I realize my boundary is long gone

  • @dawnford5919
    @dawnford5919 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

  • @RebeccaMollett-it4gk
    @RebeccaMollett-it4gk ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Oooh ok. Interesting view point. I always feel pressured to “explain myself” if I just don’t want to do something. My trauma response is “you don’t have to JADE”. So I am probably guilty of not giving the soft let down.

  • @gracelion
    @gracelion ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thanks so much for being so authentic.....i can relate so much as a Survivor of a 20 years relationship with a narc. Expressing my needs Is still very difficult!

  • @eringobragh7
    @eringobragh7 5 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Thank you Dr. Ramani.
    Sharing your lived experience and vulnerability makes me feel less alone.
    I appreciate you! 🙏🏼

  • @inkihans97
    @inkihans97 ปีที่แล้ว

    Ramani .you deserve so much love. You are wonderful. Your vulnerability is authentic not manipulative or self pitying . it is my true honor to know you even if it is just per TH-cam. Thank you for being you.

  • @barbarascoggins5239
    @barbarascoggins5239 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    It's all about being kind, respectful in your delivery.❤

  • @ericacampbell5584
    @ericacampbell5584 ปีที่แล้ว

    I AM LOVING THIS VULNERABILITY OF SHARING AND HILARITY DR RAMANI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • @jrhc3827
    @jrhc3827 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Such an important topic. No--I don't have to play with all of the kids in the sandbox anymore. Love that cute analogy. :)

  • @davegayaldo
    @davegayaldo ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I just love how she’s so genuine

  • @Non-Artificial-Intelligence
    @Non-Artificial-Intelligence ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Well said! Civility is not only a lost art, but most of the world's love today has grown so cold, that civility and empathy are considered 'inefficient' at best. Evil human nature, and technology, and the speed of the world because of it, has made most people view other human beings as robots. Simply a means to their end, most people use others to obtain whatever they want or need in the moment they require it of them.

  • @patormsby9441
    @patormsby9441 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I love hearing about your personal experiences with narcissists. I don't feel so all alone!
    I was 26 when I finally got enough distance from my big narc to start developing an independent personality. But it wasn't until several years after that that I finally realized, hey, why am I still asking the narc their opinion on everything I do? They know jack----- about social rules in Japan, where I live!
    It was then that I finally went through the all-important teenage years of testing each and every inviolable rule I'd been taught to figure out which ones had real reasons in the context of society and which ones were simply holding me back for the narc's convenience.
    Within their society, the Japanese have trouble setting boundaries. Any expressed wish seems to be a command to them. It makes it hard to express needs here. It seems they will bend over backwards for you, but you get little hints that your request (which you didn't even mean as a request) was unreasonable. There seem to be very elaborate ways of making requests when you really need to.

  • @patrouche88
    @patrouche88 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Thank you Doctor Ramani - this video is so helpful. 👍

  • @Mycenaean
    @Mycenaean ปีที่แล้ว +1

    “We can say what we need to say.
    We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.
    We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truths.”
    -Melody Beattie

  • @inkihans97
    @inkihans97 ปีที่แล้ว

    Good for you! No we do not need to play with all the kids in the sandbox. Discern rather than judge. Accept that we do not live in a perfect world. Some can be friends, others not. Grieve the losses even if grieving sucks! I love Dr. Ramami. She is warm intelligent, authentic, expressive, caring and my kind of people.

  • @mariannami8049
    @mariannami8049 ปีที่แล้ว

    I agree, boundaries are not as cut and dry as many think. They are more layered, that is correct. Thank you ❤❤❤

  • @gwenjohn8673
    @gwenjohn8673 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    I start shaking and beating myself when I set a need or boundary. I was shamed for having any needs, boundaries are a life long journey.

  • @monie227
    @monie227 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    Wow! You are fucking amazing! I tried for the first time to set a boundary with my MIL and it went south real fast! I was literally just diganoised with cancer and lying in bed when she came in town. She was suppose to be here to help me and my husband her son. She honestly didn’t help me a bit. She would wash her own laundry but never once asked if I needed anything washed. Then would turn it around on me like I was the bad guy. I asked her to not tell my sister anything that was going on in my life right that I would tell her what I wanted to share with her. Sorry there’s so much back story in the drama filled episode. My sister had a baby with my husbands brother lots of drama as they were never together. So that’s how my MiL and my sister now talk which I think is triangulation, right? I’m just realizing at 48 what has been going on and wow!!! Anyways, so when I asked her not to share any info with my sister, she blew up and got all defensive. Said that I was trying to fight with her and literally stood up and said no not with me sister and shook her pointing finger at me and stormed out, while I was lying in bed dying with stage 4 cancer!!!! I called after her and said really? And she never came back. So now I am getting ready to go see my niece and sister and I am so anxious about it and don’t wanna go. It sucks we have a small family and we told our siblings this would be weird and uncomfortable and knew that wouldn’t be together then they bring a child into the drama. Sorry thank y’all for listing !!! This video helped so much because I am trying really hard to make boundaries. ❤❤❤love to yall

  • @bitsybugaloo
    @bitsybugaloo ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Entitled, prideful, self interested people don’t respect boundaries. Sometimes a boundary is looked at as a welcome opportunity to show they’re in control of not respecting your boundaries. Emotionally healthy people respect others, honor and recognize set boundaries and don’t violate them.

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว

      Well said, boundaries are just used to establish dominance.

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว

      Meant to say someone else's boundaries are a good tool for establishing dominance.

  • @beatlebarb64
    @beatlebarb64 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I love and appreciate how you share your life experiences. i can totally relate! Keep up the great work you do!

  • @bunnytelle
    @bunnytelle ปีที่แล้ว

    thank you so much for being so vulnerable in this video. It means so much to hear about your own experience with this.

  • @ann-christinevossberg-stra435
    @ann-christinevossberg-stra435 ปีที่แล้ว

    Thank you for this! I want to add, setting boundaries can be clumsy when we're just starting to learn how to do this. It may come over too strong, too weak, we might have a part of us that is alarmed (I certainly do!) while setting the boundary making it really hard to so sanely and compassionately and wisely. We will make mistakes in the process, won't we. But I fully agree that how people respond to boundaries and how they set them tells me if they are people I want to be around. If they react to a boundary of mine with gaslighting, or other gross behavior it'^s a very clear sign to grey rock & disengage. I would love to learn these things better though. And practice them in a safe setting.

  • @sharicoburn5475
    @sharicoburn5475 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    yes, very hard to ask for help, especially when they 'purposely/accidentally' do things wrong all the time so you learn to just do it yourself

  • @HSM144
    @HSM144 ปีที่แล้ว

    Thank you for this nuanced conversation Dr Ramani. I feel that when empaths have trouble setting boundaries due to fear of CRAP (criticism, rejection, abandonment, punishment) - it is usually not because we don't have the knowledge and understanding, but because we still have deep primal wounds stored within our body. So our brain understands it all, but our body reacts in a somatic way. Some of these wounds can even be ancestral trauma we have epigenetically inherited. The only way to get past it is to do somatic body work and releasing the energy of these primal wounds stuck in the body. Sending so much love ❤🙏🌸

  • @TouchdownJesusMB
    @TouchdownJesusMB ปีที่แล้ว +1

    ❤❤❤ Blessed by Your Wisdom! ❤❤❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani & Team! 🤚🎉🤚 Have an awesome day!!

  • @Gabekhp
    @Gabekhp ปีที่แล้ว

    This couldn't have come at a better time for me. Thanks. This is so healing for me.

  • @pickleballgirl4937
    @pickleballgirl4937 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    Oh Dr. Ramani, this brought up some memories. I had asked my (then) husband to go to church on Saturday nights sometime, instead of early Sunday morning. It REALLY to a lot for me ro even bring it up. He completely shot me down. It wasn't even an option. We were obviously not in a good place in our relationship, but were supposed to be trying to make it work. His absolute no really hit me hard. I honestly think it was one of my breaking points. That he didn't even care enough to give it consideration. Plus it took soooo much for me to even ask. Thankfully we are divorced now! The hurts still hurt though...

  • @vpand321
    @vpand321 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

    No contact…❤it is my way to move on from a narcissist!!

  • @DesertlizzyThe
    @DesertlizzyThe ปีที่แล้ว

    Bravo 🎉 Exactly whst I need to hear. Have had the same dismissive rude treatments. Courtesy is responding in some way and in a nice manner. neighbor across the street is like this: never answers the phone. Nor returns calls. I stopped leaving tele- messages/ for 20 years shes like this.. but when she wants something she comes over,😮 bangs on your door consistently... shouting your name out and is in your face! trying to keep distance politely & set boundaries with this type of forceful person, who gets a little Wiggy at times in personality of OCD to the maximum & maybe sociopath, definitely is narcissistic.😢

  • @sawdustadikt979
    @sawdustadikt979 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Cannot remember how many times I’ve given a polite no, and the response be a belligerent demand. I’m a middle aged, self employed carpenter. Thanks to hgtv, people are very entitled to my attention, time and knowledge, for free. In the past 20 years of doing this and dealing with my own miss perceptions, due to being raised in a generationally traumatized and narcissistic family system, I had to painfully learn in trauma therapy to build, establish, maintain and modify boundaries with myself, to be more effective in building, establishing, maintaining and modifying boundaries outside of myself. A lot of us are here because we had poor boundaries with ourselves, and the narcs knew it when they gave us that little verbal push when we first met them. That back handed compliment or our lack of response when they invalidated or devalued what we said.

    • @sterntaler64
      @sterntaler64 ปีที่แล้ว

      My former boss declared, she was "consistant in decisions, but friendly in telling it" 🙂 and she did. She was a mindfull, great boss and there was nothing to argue about.

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat ปีที่แล้ว

      "Our lack of response when invalidated or devalued" so very true, that is the gateway. Now we know that if a response is met with abuse, time to cut losses. It helps a lot to now know, but still hurts a lot. Sadly anymore I'm inclined to simply avoid most people as a way to minimize such interactions. It can be lonely but does feel good to be able to breath in peace.

    • @sellyourhomenowbook
      @sellyourhomenowbook ปีที่แล้ว

      I would say "my consulting fee is x per 1/2 hour".

  • @mrbb.business7281
    @mrbb.business7281 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Great video, very common and tricky problem too. I think BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) helps create boundaries in a better way. Also asking yourself, will I regret my decision years down the track is a good question to ask before acting.

  • @winter-qd4yw
    @winter-qd4yw ปีที่แล้ว

    Dr. Ramani - thank you for sharing your story! I thought it was just me, but I too have a very difficult time asking for anything from anyone else. I am a few years older than you and my experiences have been hell on earth. What scares me is the thought of being able to continue to do for myself as I age. Thanks again.