Midweek with Dr. C- Finding Peace In The Midst Of A Narcissist’s Chaos
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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They love to isolate you. My house has always been like we are in lockdown. I had a neighbor ask me one time " why is it no one ever comes to your house?" They never came over either. This has been over 50 years now. I began to have panic attacks soon after getting married. We thank you so much Dr. Carter for being here for us.
Yes I realized that kids never played at my house.
They could feel the unwelcoming :
Hostile energy. Now that I am aware of my 6 th sense being quite trustworthy I can se how narc father and flying monkey mother drove my friends away.
That last question really resonated with me. "After years of being gaslit and walking on eggshells, and finally leaving my narcissist, I find that I'm afraid of him". I was married for 18 years. I left my narc within 6 months of finding out and understanding that he was a covert narcissist. I was always in survival and coping mode when I was still with him. Now that I'm out of the relationship, I realize what a monster I was living with and I am petrified of any contact with him. Some friends don't understand that and tell me that time heals all wounds and that after a couple of years, I should be able to be friends with him, and not care if he follows me to my new location in another state, as he has threatened to do.It's been 2 years since our divorce and I still feel that way. I've had to set boundaries with those friends, and limit my contact with them as well, since they can't possibly understand what went on behind closed doors. They only see his mask and I'm the one who appears to be unnecessarily anxious, avoidant, unforgiving and resentful.
I soooo understand... but still in the relationship.
Dear Marty
You are absolutely right. Becoming friends after a divorce is only possible with normal thinking people. With a narcissist this is not possible, he/she will use anything to use against you even if he/she will act very lovingly. Trying again and again is giving ammunition again and again with which he/she will hit and damage you. Unfortunately it is no different.
On the other hand, you can compliment yourself, apparently you have a lot of love to give! A narcissist doesn't know what it is and will pretend to get it from you. He/she wants that! Know that it is a bottomless pit!
They’re deception is so cruel and vengeful. So painful for us and so rewarding for them. I am so sorry we’re all going through this. Stay strong and be thankful that you are no longer with him. You tried to make an immature child, in an adult’s body, happy who is in capable of being happy and then you were blamed for everything. It is so unfair and unjust. I think that is what bothers me the most. They abuse you and then they act like they are the victim. Then they tell lies about you to your children and your family and friends and you are the one that looks crazy. It is truly crazy making. It is so hard to take a radical look at the situation you have been in for a long time but that will be the only thing that will save you. They are actually incapable of love. The biggest betrayal of all is that they were supposed to be the person that loved and protected you but they were the ones who harm you and your children if you had them. It is so painful when they turn your children against you.
7 years after leaving AG, I no longer fear him, though I'm utterly terrified on behalf of his mom. He's said things about her the few times we've talked that indicate she's fine, though with only his word to base it on I don't know what to think.
It has been two years for me as well. I have went no contact with the ex narcissist. No one could understand what I saw and what I felt and it was real. Unfortunately, my stepson saw it too so I know I’m not crazy so I do not talk to them people that think that I should forgive him or let him back in or not take what he did seriously. All the people that make excuses for him. I do not talk to them. They are flying monkeys. I will go no contact with this person for the rest of my life And it is quite all right. This world is filled with millions of people who do not have an agenda and is not out to hurt and destroy me. So I make space cautiously for new people, and I continue to heal and enjoy being alive and peaceful
' I really get under your skin, don't I LOL' ... That was
the comment my narc made that finally made me realize that I need to focus on not responding, controlling my emotions towards him more, that nothing I will ever say will click in his brain. I have been pouring myself into those types of videos lately and I'm glad I finally switched my focus to that. Dr. Carter, your videos are a life changer, thank you from the bottom of my heart♥️
It has always given me an uncomfortable feeling when I hear people use the words "my narcissist." (I'm glad you had the same reaction, Dr C.) Please, friends, let's not take ownership of them. We didn't create them and we're not responsible for them.
"The narcs in my life" -z " my past narcs that were on my life"
I've had treatment for cancer, but I try to make an effort to avoid calling it "my cancer." Or calling myself "a victim of cancer." I don't want to take ownership of an illness, nor apply the noun "victim" to myself while I'm dealing with it.
Actually, great advice. Couldn’t be any more different from the prick’s, Jr. and Sr. Both horrible people. But denies it will a gassy smile 😊 I’m staying away from these freaks. Not my freak’s, No ownership here 🍀🙏🏼😍
Excellent point.
They can be extremely hard to shake though. 🙂
In my 25 years of living with a narcissist, i have found that finding peace in life, serenity, showing gentleness and kindness to her was BORING and pathetic. It made her feel 'dead'. So she resorted to chaos, even pulling BS out of thin air to somehow feel that she was still important, significant and necessary in my life.
damn. that can be achieved in peace, but she chose chaos.
this video hits home.
thanks, Dr. C.
My husband shuts down at the word "feeling" funny how the triggers never seem to change. It is baffling.
@pan fried, In my experience, I've known three narcissists who were extreme types. Each one felt a need, and a compulsion to instigate a "situation" so they could see how the person they were provoking would handle themselves. Also, all three could be easily bored, and what I also noticed was that they needed to do their acting out, if you could call it that, during times that they felt some kind of stress or things weren't going easily their way. I think it's a way to let off steam that so easily builds up in them. I think peaceful people get under their skin, and for this reason can be a target of their inner chaos.
Agree. It’s one big mess! And so hard when the narcissist performs with “acceptable “ behavior in front of others and others don’t see it. But you know exactly what is happening!
A quick closing comment from the seminar was, "Nobody can take care of you like you can take care of you.". Undoubtedly I've heard versions of this many times. This time, whew, it clicked. Thank you.
My sister, a narcissist, is highly controlling but certainly not chaotic. She is highly organised, and I think she has a cleaning disorder. I see it as a need to be in control of everything, including germs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣not the germs
Nothing drives a narcissist crazy like your perfect Zen equanimity. Your calm starves them of their reason for existing, your hate, your upset, your misery.
Starve the monster.
Calm is the new super power!
It is so true. Don't argue. Don't defend. I go silent and the meltdown starts. It's a whole different person when they cannot control me (my emotions).
Absolutely. I selfishly feel like I have a tiny bit of power. Tiny is the key word.
@@robinsmith4499 Tiny things can grow into big things if you nurture them.
Feed your calm. Watch it grow, as your abuser's power dwindles.
I feed his dam @$$ when he purposely enrages me. I cannot be held back when the lies continue, triangulating my two bio kids before meeting him. He's trying to drive a wedge between us, in an already fragile relationship over me staying in an abusive relationship. I should have seen it and gotten out a LONG time ago. They are not wrong. It was an EARLY red flag, treating them badly. But I had blinders on. No bigger price paid than my angry children
That is the best definition or test of narcissism I’ve heard. “Watch how they act in conflict.” It’s confusing to know if they’re a narcissist when they’re being generous or kind, but in conflict their true colors show.
Very true.
Or it could be reactive abuse ... I'd look for repeated patterns of dysfunction rather than a one off.
I think sometimes a narcissist will start conflict, then enjoy the conflict, then claim that they resolved the conflict!
@@cfjohnson7369 Exactly 💯 so for me on last night discuss discord 😥
Exactly! My sister sent me a message today that she got 3 emails and it means she has to get more forms for her hubby's emigration. She was so upset and said: Well if we have another day like today it may be easier for him because I could feel a massive panic attack coming on. My blood pressure must have been 200/100. I will just stroke out.
I mean really? A panic attack, elevated blood pressure and possible stroke? Over emails?
I used to get puzzled and confused when someone, who barely knew me, would tell me they loved me. My "friends" would think it was so romantic and didn't think there was anything strange about it so I would question myself (I thought I was wrong for being suspicious). These days I know better ... a lot better!
😮💨🐒
I noticed sometimes I feel sick to my stomach while watching learning more.
I ended the relationship of 2 years and had to change my locks and install security cameras---that helped me a lot as far as being terrified at every sound. I am trying to be so kind to me and being gentle to me. Peace
"They do not see this as an equal relationship where we build oneanother up and exchange ideas and have mutual regard for one another. " You are so so correct and I was so blinded for 2 years believing just the opposite--sorry I did not turn into you videos 2 years ago, but I was so in love, that I overlooked some things that now are glaring. Thank you so much, Les.
Be kind to yourself, you definitely deserve it!!
It's going to be OK, do something healthy to calm your nerves and trust its gonna be OK xxxxx you got this xxxx
Get a dog if you can. Great companions. Able to discern the good guys from the baddies
@@MyPerfectGecko thank you
I was partners with a narcissist for eight years. I had no idea what was happening to me. I finally started to get a clue, and saved up enough money to leave the relationship. I have been free for a little over a year, and I’m on the path of healing, moving past just surviving, towards thriving. (I am on Team Healthy!!) Dr. C., you end most of your videos saying you hope we find our “place of peace”. I’m not sure what peace even feels like. Would you please address this topic? What is peace? How do I know if I’m peaceful? It’s almost like “peace” is a foreign language that I can’t understand…. Thanks for all you do!
I got rid of narcissist from my life by listening to Dr. Carter!!!
Freedom.
He's helped me to do it too, and continues to do so❤
"That's the best revenge: Be a healthy You", that's the wisest, Graced advice, I so thank you, Dr C!!!
I agree!!!! Love you Dr. Carter. Thank you so much!
I can’t begin to describe the confusion I had! Nothing I said was validated, and I couldn’t finish what I was saying. On the other side; I was talking at a family function (he was invited to) and he interrupted me. I looked at him and said (I’m front of everyone) excuse me, I wasn’t finished, don’t interrupt. It felt so good when he stopped.
He was in shock!
Great to stand up for yourself. And they hate to be outed as boorish in public so double win.
The interrupting is *so* prevalent and common with them. That and lying, even when there's no real "need" to lie. Probably because both behaviors are ways of trying to have total control over every aspect of every conversation.
Thank you for the hi to those of us in New Zealand and Australia. I can tell you that your kind, calm, quiet words of advice have helped immeasurably in my recovery. I reassure myself that I am, indeed, in Team Healthy! Thank you so much.
You just made my day, Vicky!
Wow! Dr Carter, you are still here on You Tube! That is fantastic! I listened to you for months and learned so much from you! For a while I had no problem with the narc, but now I experience a crisis. I am listening to you again, you are better than ever!
Team Healthy!!! Yes. Calm in the Chaos!!! Narcissist’s are horribly chaotic ppl. My life has been turned upside down and inside out by my lack of boundaries, and my spouse’s chaos!! I had to leave. Too much. Thank God I can fix me, work on me, love me and completely heal myself instead of spending any more time trying to fix another’s brokenness. I can just work on my own person now = true peace. Thank you Dr Carter. So grateful for you. God bless!! 💝💝
I've found rehearsing a response to a narcissist's predictable behaviour e.g. gaslighting, asking you leading questions etc. is an excellent tactic. Not only can you remain calm, but this also enables you to be rationally assertive, thereby dampening the expected implication you are somehow flawed.
You make sense, Maree!
When I know I’m seeing a certain friend, I will listen to Dr. Carter and get inspiration. Yes, it still bothers me that I have to prepare myself but rehearsing helps.
Me too
Yes it does🐒
My dad would never let me sit and just do nothing. He always would say “isn’t there anything you can do for your mother?” My mother was your classic narcissist and everyone has to adore her and keep her on a pedestal. At 61 I’ve gotten out of the family dynamics. Couldn’t take the “scapegoat “ roll any longer. Just divorced a narc after 30 years of thinking I was crazy and never good enough. Wonder why? Hmmm.
Good for you! I'm so glad you got out. You aren't alone with a divorce after decades. Hopefully mine ends next month. Fingers crossed.
At 65 I hear you and wish you strength. Today I blocked a sister and sister in law and it all started with my narc mother. It is sad but necessary for our health. The ex-husband thing also.
I really love instances of family and strangers caring for one another. That is my joy.
This chaos theory is absolutely SPOT ON in respect of my wife!! I always put it down to her being an artist 😳 .We're in the process of starting a separation after 25 years, so all this information is REALLY helpful. My "diagnosis " of Covert Narco, with big passive-aggresive techniques is relatively recent.
Same here. I'm 66 and just went to see a lawyer 3 days ago. I'm so ready to start a new life.
I keep thinking "how much time do I really have left? No one really knows that. I'm going to be happy for my last years on this planet.
ALONE = HAPPY.
I'm not even going to tolerate being around anyone who can't keep their religious AND political beliefs to themselves. OR who's religious AND political beliefs are vile to me. NO MORE.
@@gloriadonahue7241 Go, you! I try to keep my mantra in my head: I gave him X years, but I'm not giving him X+1. Maybe I'll drop dead tomorrow. But at least I had this past year of sort-of freedom! A bad day now is still better than a good day there.
Thank you for your generosity and kindness that comes from your peaceful soul place.
Love your videos Dr C! It's 530am in Sydney Australia at the moment. You've helped me educate myself and my self confidence has come back now that I recognise behaviours. Thank you 🙏I want a 🐕🦺 ( Gus ) 😊
Glad to have you on board from the other side of the world. That warms my heart.
Do nice that these videos can reach way over there to help you all share in our learning and healing.
Looking back at my 2 year relationship, that I thought was going to be for life, I see exactly what you are saying here. I remember early on, I tried talking to him telling him that I felt he was in competition with me and of course he blew it off and gave some lame excuse and said he would work on it. That was my first sign, that I ignored. Along with his constant interrupting me. In fact, he would not even shut up to chew his food and swallow, but talk with a mouth full of food, chewing and showing his food while getting in his point and not allowing anyone else to add anything. How could I have been so so fooled by him?? I am so thankful for your insights. Thank you so so much, Les,
my ex always talked far more than me and always about him and his day and life.He would throw me a little bone once ina while total taker and user
Eww! Tf?
Omg, same exactly 😮💕
It's so important that we take care of our own needs without sacrificing our well-being to satisfy and please others. When you can, take breaks if need to, meditate, take a walk and be kind to yourself for the practice of self-care. Do whatever makes you feel that inner peace and calmness that's needed for your mental health and overall well-being.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Thank you
My mother and sister used to dislike any friends of mine that they couldn't manipulate and turn against me. Other friends were stolen from me and turned against me.
My mother (now deceased) told my current partner a tale about how I had 'run off with a waiter', creating the impression that I was 'loose'. The truth was that I had a drink with a waiter on a family holiday. The incident was totally twisted and told in a way to make him doubt me.
It was a terrible thing to do because I had finally found a relationship after many years of excruciating loneliness. My mother was prepared to ruin that for me with a lie, just to make herself look good.
I once dumped a guy for saying I love u after a couple of wks of dating! I felt like he was up to something no good! The husband I have now I accidentally said I love u after about a month of dating! I couldn't take it back! He actually said he loved me to! We've been married for well over a decade & I'm still crazy about him! I'm still quite smitten with him!!!
I am so grateful for you and team healthy.
Enjoyed this and can relate to the importance of not allowing one's self to get high jacked by emotions & automatic reactions. Love the message to "Trust" oneself " and be the person you want to be.
I'm sure by now little Gus has internalized all your advice and has such glowing self esteem he sees a perfectly coiffed standard poodle looking back at him whenever he looks in the mirror. Raw Raw Raw Team Healthy! Go Team! Cleared for take off in clear blue skies... disabling auto pilot!!! XXOO Dr C.
3:20 chaos allows people to come in and be the hero, coming across chaos by chance is fine for narcissists but creating it at the perfect time for them to benefit is ideal.
I really like TEAM HEALTHY..That is so right
You put into words and helped me to understand what exactly has been happening my whole life (43 years old) based on my relationship with my overt narcissistic mom and my covert passive aggressive narcissist ex-husband.
I am coming out of the fog. I have recognized the emotional abuse for what it was and the impact it has had on my life. This clearly describes how they kept me in a state of dysregulation to the point that I didn’t know who or what to believe. I always felt agitated, anxious, and unsafe. The gaslighting is insidious.
Through counseling and cultivating deeper relationships with other important people in my life, I have experienced (for the first time ever) the safety and love that one can experience in a safe relationship with another. This has been life-changing since I previously felt very alone and isolated.
You helped me to make sense of what has been happening for years. I have learned so much from you since following you since last fall. I appreciate all you do! Thank you.
I have developed allergies when dealing with narcissists! Ah shew! Finally seeing them for who they are! I still mourn losses! I'm a work in progress still trying to learn and move on!!
My mother has discarded me. She doesn't care it destroyed me. You are absolutely right about leading me into a "trap".
Staying in control and not reacting is difficult but key. Narcs love to watch you unravel over their pain and suffering inflicted upon you. Then I get called "crazy" by her and the enablers around her. This woman isn't living in reality... they actually believe their own lies. Best of luck & blessings to everyone going through this cruelty ❤️
Hi there, here in Australia!! (Thanks for acknowledging those of us here in Australia) Thanks for such a helpful video - this will assist many people.
I just want to say…. I am so glad I am not alone in this h*ll as I sure thought so when I was with the narc hubby! You all help me heal and I appreciate every thought you share! 🙏
#TeamHealthy.
I loved the comment, " you are free to choose how to react, how to feel and how to respond." I forgot that I was free to choose. How empowering! I'm free to choose to be me, loving, kind, respectful etc. I can choose not to answer or simply state, "I'm not going to discuss that". This of course will result in very abusive language, rage, name calling etc.... But, I am FREE to choose how I respond. I don't need his validation. I AM a GOOD person! God loves me, I'll learn to love me, and that is simply all I need to be whole and happy!! This is my first positive affirmation that I actually believe and can say!
You really hit a home run with that comment!! Thank you so much Dr C!!
Back to the basics!
I’m 65 years old and that fear always surfaces just listening to this, I am still full of fear of my elder sister Going through another very tough time now But thankyou for saying its okay to be fearful I now can watch it in me as it surfaces I so want to be brave inside I live for the day when I can feel safe in my self and hold my ground, it’s like so heavey in my heart. I just want it to lift off and not ever to come back Thank you for your wonderful channel it’s like a window being opened not easy but still let’s in the fresh breeze 🙏🙏🙏
I am 66 and have a malignant older sister and a flying monkey brother. Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to.....
Hi Dr. Carter, I hope you and Gus are doing well in that hot Texas weather. Narcissistic people love to keep up confusion and use mixed messages to do so. This is so they can better control you and drag you down in the hole with them. Just remember that the devil will bring people into our lives to do his work so be careful who you let in your life. Of course, we can't do anything about family but as my Grandmother used to say "watch your friends and your enemies can do you no harm". How right she was on that point. If love is what you want, look in the mirror and love yourself. Don't look for others to define you or let others define you. These are just things I have learned from examples and mistakes I have made in my life. Thank you Dr. Carter for a great video. God bless.
Greetings and Bonjour from France Your videos are very comforting, reassuring, . Chaos is also a played script to have them deflect from their responsibilities and its everybody else's fault.;;in addition to their 'superiority' in saving the day.
Bonjour. What you say makes sense. FYI, my mother's maiden name was Guillebeau, and her ancestors were from Bordeaux.
Always an epiphany moment when I tune in. Thank you again, Dr C.
My narc husband had a seizure about a month ago, so no driving and he's now home most of the time. I'm holding firm and he's learning I'm not waiting on him hand and foot. He's quite capable of making his own sandwich and pouring cereal. So not having too many issues. But, had one issue with him raging because I wanted to watch something on TV he didn't, I went into another room to watch it and suddenly I'm a B***ch, it took a day and he gave me the silent treatment, but I made him apologize, and he did. Baby steps
Never forget that the apology was just another maneuver, I am speaking from years of experience with that one. LOL. Always planning the next move is how they work, no changing those spots. Yes it is livable but it is never gonna be better. 46 very long years.
When I was a kid in the 80's "narc" meant a Narcotics Officer.
The term has shifted!
I grew up in the 80's as well, but here a narc was a rat...a snitch. Isn't it funny how words change over time?!
Hey Dr. Carter and team healthy. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all your videos. They keep me motivated and help me to understand what happened in my life with a narcissist. As soon as the narcissist left, your videos came up on my TV on my computer and I have watched you every day since and what it did for me was to let me know what the narcissist had in store for me if I let him back in which I did not. It has been two years and I thank you.
💞 Thanks for another great video Dr. Carter. The main thing I know about the people I know with Narcissism is that they absolutely 💯 percent do not listen or let other viewpoints in to their mind. In fact they are always thinking and in their head, and they are like echoing chambers ( lol, a joking description I learned from my Mom, lol, ).The only viewpoints they hear is their own. 🙂
You are so welcome
I recently found your channel and can’t tell you how important it has become in my life. My sister is the more virulent of the two narcissists in my family (mom being the other). I even sometimes think she could be a sociopath because of the “acting” she does when she knows it’s time to be sad or empathize with anyone. I have a little to do with her as possible, as she lives far out of state. When my father was dying, she was particularly toxic- why? Because the level of uncertainty was more than she could handle. Like many narcissists, she’s a control freak, but when reality goes real, she dose t know what to do AND STARTS TO MAKE THINGS UP. I believe that these lies give her a sense of control; she can “control” the narrative she has concocted. It was then that I started to see this pattern in her, and it all made sense when it came to her intermittent spells of pathological lying. She said one of these outrageous stories while we were waiting outside his room, and I turned to her very calmly and said, “I don’t believe you.” That was all- very calm and detached. She went purple and shut up like a clam and turned away in silence. This was a defining moment for me, and a good tactic for me to use in her subsequent fictions. She lies to control the information… it all boils down to that.
Very pleased!
CRISIS REVEALS CHARACTER ...thats when I was leaving i saw who I was and that gave me my power back..I remember hearing one of your videos about HOLDING onto integrity and smiling to myself going YES! IM ON THE RIGHT TRACK
Hi Dr. C. A few years ago at Thanksgiving time, one morning I had just woken up and was sleepily making my way to the kitchen. As I was yawning and not quite fully awake walking down hallway, I enter the kitchen and as soon as my mother sees me she says, “Your aunt Andrea wanted a picture, but not the way we look” or something to that affect. Ok, like I said, I had just woken up and I knew nothing of any picture and I don’t expect to be picture ready upon awakening. She said it with her signature little laugh at the end. Is this what you mean by Narcissists wanting you to be Ill at ease and no peace? I totally had my guard down and was blissfully relaxed and that is why I think she said it right then. That is some twisted grossness.
My narcissistic father gets angry at anyone when a mishap happens that no one around him started. He can’t blame shift anybody and lecture them on being ready for preventing mishaps.
At about 32 minutes into the video, you were talking about narcissists wanting their victims to run things through them. That's one of the things I've seen in my parents as well as other family members. Five years ago there was a huge argument between my parents and my dad's side of the family. My parents (the narcissists) broke off all contact with the family, constantly wanting me to take their side and turn against the rest of the family. For the reunion that year (we have a big family reunion on my dad's side every July), Mom admitted that she didn't even open the invitation, instead tearing it up and throwing it away. I went to the reunion, being the adult of my leg of the family. When everybody heard that my parents weren't coming and why, we had a big discussion about my parents' behavior over the years. Apparently years ago after shortly moving out of my parents' house, I stayed at the reunion as my parents were leaving. When they left, I was talking to one of my aunts and her husband. That evening, my parents called them up demanding to know what I was talking to them about. But, that's how my parents are. They have to constantly stick their noses in everybody else's business.
Thank you again Doc. C. Many of the questions you answered were very helpful in what I´m going through now. I love the statement `Conflict Reveals Character´. You are truly a Diamond Doc! Much Love and Light to you and Team Healthy!
Thank you, Angela.
My boss loved to have we employees argue and or fight with each other. This is because we were preoccupied with all the chaos he started, he thought we couldn't see what he was doing. Our attention was turned away from him and all his doings.
You're absolutely beautiful DR Les, Thank you so much for your wisdom and advice, I see you as a great leader, Order, Logic , Reason and rational, I don't let the Narcissist affect me, I detach, Stay calm and serene, Peace, love, Respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe 🌌🐉💜🌚😍👽🌝❤🌈🐎🌷🌹🕊💛♘💙😃💚☘🌲👁🐶
I love the delicate detachment and that part about us working on deregulation on our emotions and rehearse the "what if" it isn't what we were hoping for...
I have noticed years ago that he was act like Dr. Kekle and mr.hide
But at that time I didn't know he was an narcissistic. Thank u. God Bless.
Guard your ✌
Totally spot on doc! In conflict they sure do show their true colors! A memory about my older female narc neighbor came in my head on this! Awful situation! WoW 😮
Thank you, Dr. C, for your calm and balanced insights and advice on dealing with this difficult type of person. This was so helpful as I look ahead to seeing narcissistic relations in the next few weeks. Preparation sounds like a great way to steer clear of manipulation and be myself. Thanks!
My way of dealing w/ frustration that the narcissist caused in me, I went to the hardware store and bought a pound of roofing nails and hammered away. Imagining that it was the NARC....stress and anxiety, frustration......GONE!
SMILE ON MY FACE ....GRACE RESTORED AND PN TO THE NEXT EPISODE!!!
Pound those nails, Elaine!
They can wear you down to the point that you feel like a soldier, totally shell schocked and aschetic.
After a few years, you are grateful for every fragment of peace and joy.
You withdraw into yourself and cut down on your demands. Just smoking a cigarette without interruption, feels like heaven.
My X Narcissist husband's reaction to fearing he wouldn't get his way was to try to terrorise me.
He would stand in front of me threateningly.
His whole body would shake furiously, both his arms, a few inches out from his body, his face would go brilliant red, he would have saliva coming from his mouth, as he yelled at me, then suddenly as if somebody grabbed both his ears from behind & pulled them back very tight, (giving the appearance of a face lift,) his face would then go White...
He blamed me for his reaction.
He always called me ' a so & so 'THING' among other disgusting vile names in front of my kids.
Another reaction was on the day of my wedding.( This was supposed to be a brides happiest day of myife)
After the church service & his promises & after the wedding breakfast & his great speech we got into our car ready to drive off.
He looked at me with his angry red face & pointed finger & said
" If you step out of line or even think about it I will come down on you like a ton of bricks, you will never forget it" " You will do as I tell you ". That was my wedding gift from him..
How I wish I could have met somebody like you Dr Lez it would have save me 25 yrs of horrific physical mental emotional sexual abuse...
I look forward to your weekly talks.
God Bless you Dr Lez.
Wow. I would have jumped out of the car right then.
I like how there's a preface about rude comments in the chat. Very well handled. If we've learned something about provocation, those comments are best ignored.
There is a very small percentage (around 1%) who tune in for less than honorable reasons. So I have to remind them that we have boundaries. Thanks for picking up on that.
" I'd like to be defined by rage" 😂❤️ This explains how this daughter of a narc mother became a punk musician !
He loves it when I get things wrong. He says I know nothing and laughs at me.
Oh, I am having a nice Wednesday, only I'm watching 3 weeks later. I love that you encourage us to be good to one another!
Hi Wendy. I just finished today's live feed, so there is more on the horizon!
The hardest thing to endure is their disrespect. How do you cope with this? I've had it all my life and have almost come to expect it.
It also comes with being female. Had I been a man, my father would not have belted me, my brother in law would not have mentally abused me and my foster father would not have belittled me.
🌸
Oh boy! Yup, my mother (N) would get agitated and annoyed at people relaxing . Just never was able to relax around her my entire life!! I say ‘was’ because I’m completely not involved anymore in her life .
The people you can trust and are real are the ones you can have comfort in silence and be at ease with them .
Dr. Carter, thank you! Your videos are very informative; I've found answers to life-long questions regarding the Narcissist in my life (my mother). Your videos have been invaluable. Staying tuned in from Sacramento ❤
He has a "speech" memorized, almost word for word, no matter what the argument is about, it's always blaming me.
Listening to the podcast with Julie hall again. Hearing her experience is so reminiscent of my own.
I'm interested in learning more from her. Thank you for having her on.
Glad for this feedback. I plan to have other guests like her.
I've never been good at boundaries. He would always come at me and get me wound up, and I get so mad, and I thought I needed to stick up for myself, so I didn't want to back down. The last time, I was cool and calm. He just got more wound up and was trying to stir things up. Then he attacked me from behind. I was in shock and ran away from him for good.
Dr C you are so helpful to all of us who have had contact with a Narcisstic! Thank-you for your words!
It's not easy when a controlling person keeps pushing hard. The key is choosing to be you, knowing the narcissist won't be pleased. Thanks for sharing this, Deb.
@Surviving Narcissism I am learning, and your helping me to remain strong. I really like your easy way of explaining Narcisstic without sensationalism.
I really appreciate your support 🙏😃🦄
These videos are so helpful, the way that the format covers topics from so many angles through real world situations really allows a more comprehensive understanding that has helped me in gaining an understanding of what is happening in this type of relationship dynamic and of myself resulting in increased confidence in myself. Thank you so much Dr Carter🙌🙌🙌
Thank you Dr. C. Eager to hear this one. Not a good time to go no contact now. Just trying to find my own peace and calm for myself.
My narc friend is consumed with a mutual friend of ours. He has now villified the person, keeps trying to get me to agree this friend is a bad person, and even wants to go as far as getting a restraining order against the person. The friend and I are laughing about it. I am 1200 miles away, and in another state. We find it amazing that he would go to this length, but we will be staying in touch because we have a healthy friendship. His anxiety is his and I'm having none of it.
Hello- I am so thankful for your videos. They have truly helped me understand what has happened in my marriage. Question: Is the narcissist consciously aware of what they are doing and how damaging it is? I am struggling to understand if it was malicious towards me or simply the only way he knows how to interact with other humans? Did he ever love me genuinely or is he not truly capable of love but did his best?
I'll make sure to address your question on this week's feed.
My narcissist mother said to me via text "I can tell that you're upset with me since you're not talking to me. Call me and let me know what you're upset about so that I can tell you whether or not it's something you should be upset about or not." 🤣 That's the most classic narcissistic statement I've ever seen. Another tactic she tried to pull was "If you don't call me and tell me what's wrong, I'm not going to come see you when you're in town." I live 2,000 miles away and come to visit once per year if I'm lucky. Very telling what kind of person and 'mother' she is.
My mother gets upset if I don't share the same opinion that she hasn't formulated yet...so she asks me to see what she will go against or i don't share approval for what she secretly wants to do...and when I'm frustrated and angry...she reminds me that I'm always disrespectful yet she requires my approval.... there is no logic....ive been trying to find logic where logic doesn't exist...50 years of this was enough !
Are you two really my sisters??? I had the same type of mother, LOL. Must be a plan for narc 101 system of living. They got so good at it too.
@@Feribrat99 I'm beginning to think that there is a whole bunch of us not just the three of us.....maybe more like a sad fraternity of daughters with narc mothers....?
Thank you Dr. Carter 🍀🐞🍀
I’m a mother of a 52 years old daughter. She’s married to a narcissists for almost 30 years. I’ve been going to see her and family annually since they moved to Florida 5 years ago. So this year I stayed a couple weeks and went to my granddaughters (flying monkey as far as I can judge)college graduation. Anyway while there he was horrible to me in the fact he was always using triangulation, gaslighting and treating with total disrespect. The uber driver while I was there treated me more kind. So after I returned home I told my daughter I no longer would have him in my life. He’s always been bad, but now that I have the knowledge I see the light. So that was 1 1/2 months ago and my daughter has slowly had no conversations with me. I see what is happening, but don’t know how to handle the situation. I love my daughter and I’m hurt. But I’m 76 years old and no longer want to be around her dysfunctional family. What should I do? Thank you
Let your daughter know how much you love her and your grandchildren, don't say anything else about the husband or being hurt. She may not have knowledge about narcissism, I didn't learn until this year at age 63. She can't change her husband, but you know she and her children suffer his abuse. Love on her all you can, we all need our mother's love.
I would do the same thing as you, and the other reply is spot on as well. All you can do is be there if she does come up for air. Anything else is not helpful.... sucks doesn't it?
@@Feribrat99 yes it does suck. We use to talk every day. Not since I took the stand. She has texted a few times but not the same. We’ve always been close I thought? I appreciate your advice. Thank you.
@@sharoncarroll9657 thank you so much for the input. I will take your advice.
Just let go. That's what I did.
Imagine someone Livid, PUNITIVE & angry- over 1 LOST DISH RAG!!!!!
"Delicate detachment" is a great way of putting it. Hopefully God brings grace and gratitude🌊🐬🤙
My narcissist spouse has suddenly changed his behavior from completely confrontational to asking me what I want and when I asked what he wants he says I have no opinion or it doesn't matter or I don't care. When I make a choice he smirks or sulks and then later says I don't appreciate anything he does for me. I was injured in a car wreck and he's had to drive me to doctors appointments since I lost my license due to disability. He says " it's what he's supposed to do" or "it's the right thing to do". I put all my appointments in 3 days even though it sets me back to take some pressure off of him. He blames me for his not being able to get shoulder or hip surgery, but yet I offered to pay medical transportation or get someone else to drive me so he could take care of himself. He refused and says I couldn't afford it (which I can't - he won't share finances) and I couldn't figure out how to arrange it (not true) and he's "fine", followed by limping, groaning, crying out in pain whenever I am unable to function due to brain injury and overwhelm. I know this relationship is toxic but I can't afford to leave, all my money goes to medical bills. I rather be alone than selling my soul just to get along. He has threatened me in the past and I believe him. I connected with domestic violence but shelters are full and no housing is available. How do I determine what is real and what is not, with him? Do he really not love me?
I am working very hard on reclaiming me...that usually sparks constant gaslighting and he uses my brain injury limitations against me to prove I can't survive without him. I'm beginning to think about going homeless to get out. I know it's drastic and I wouldn't have health insurance or my doctor's ( they don't take Medicaid), but I'd have my soul, my choices, my freedom. I'm really confused and overwhelmed.
If you can answer my questions I would appreciate it. Thank you.
Thank you ❤️
When you said say whatever you think, I believe that's reacting and contradicts grey rocking
Thankyou Dr Carter, you're the best.
Warm regards from Australia 😘
You're quite welcome.
Ty!! I appreciate you so much 🌻
You are so welcome, Melanie!
My narcissistic husband of 37 yrs wants me to actually be in our home 24/7 if he could have it his way of course. Resents me even going to lunch with a lady friend from time to time and many other activities during the day. Or even talking to one of my adult sons who lives with us or when we had our dig just talking to her!
I made a comment a few days back about my bpd ex girlfriend I wasn't referring to anyone online. And never curse online. I leave it at that. Thank You .
How wonderful it is, Dr. Carter, really - that we can access your videos without undue influences :)
Thank you, once again. You always make me feel like I have a cheer squad xx being born into this sort of abuse means the value of your 'Team Healthy' conditioning is incalculable.
Thankyou once again Dr.C. you really do help us all and i so appreciate this at the moment as i recently am back in contact with an ex partner who in the past was nice at times and not at others so i am wary as the gaslighting has started already and I've had a low mood. I am so glad be connected with you. Thankyou so much!
Wonderful information. Thank you.
Somehow I stopped getting your notifications for a while, but I should be seeing your videos again from now on. Of course I'm several weeks behind, but it's nice to be back. Your presentations are always helpful, comforting, encouraging, informative, etc.
I think something is going on with the google algorithms. One way is to keep clicking like and they will pick up on it.
True. Several channels warn that people get spontaneously unsubscribed all the time, which is why when I realized I hadn't been hearing from you I went to check. My subscription was active, but "no notifications" was checked (which I never did) so I rechecked it. Frustrating, but very fixable.
My response to the shut down mode is as long the house isn't on fire or no one's gonna get hurt or die I can wait too. This would send him crazier. He would then accuse me of being heartless.
Thank you so much Dr. C!
You're quite welcome!
"Team Healthy" shirts or car stickers would be great!
Could you please talk about narcissistic siblings and family. I am 53 and am just now learning how to be an adult. So much, "the family" is EVERYTHING, and because I do not do what was expected (break up with my partner) I have been discarded emotionally. It is so difficult to find balance.
Thank you. 😊
@surviving narcissism Hello, Dr Carter, question for you. Is there such a thing as a chameleon narcissist. One that is able to move through overt-malignant, covert, and community narcissism. Dealing with a brother that is a 57 yo narcissist. Just realized through counseling that I’ve been abused by him for about 40 years and decided to go no contact. Obviously, I’m an empath. My parents even call me the peacemaker. Problem is we just lost mom a couple of weeks ago and my dad doesn’t want to deal with it, although it breaks his heart that we aren’t talking.
Webinar was excellent! So helpful.