And it's not that no one pays attention to the questions that patient got right, it's that certain people don't. There are probably others that would congratulate that performance.
@@Action2me I'm having to encourage my little brother right now because he feel discouraged because he never gets praise, specifically from our mom, when he does well. He's been struggling in physics since the year began, even failing the first few assignments. He's worked hard and has gotten a 95% on his latest test. When he went to show our mom, she had little to no reaction. "Good" was literally all she said, which wouldn't be so bad if she was the same when his scores were lower. She yelled at him for at least 30 minutes, ranting about how she sacrifices too much for him to be failing. I was in his position when I was younger and I honestly got tired of trying to please her, so I decided that I just wouldn't give a damn. I would get good grades but for myself.
@@Twilight91423 Hey man, hang in there and you'll get through this. I was able to confront my mom about some stuff the other day but that took a lot of prep, your brother is lucky to have you and hope you'll be able to figure things out with your mom. Show her how she's wrong if that's on the table
@@Twilight91423 That's honestly sad to hear. It sounds like your mom is afraid of something. Afraid that people might point at her and say her kids are failing. And if somebody does that, it's kinda sad and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Yep. One Thursday afternoon, I finished studying early because I felt prepared for my exam the next day. My step father asked why I wasn't at the dinner table, studying. Told him why. He said "ok, if you don't get 100%, then you have to study for an extra hour every day next week, including Friday, and I might take your phone away,". Walked in Friday afternoon and he bombarded me straight away with "what you get?". I said "the highest mark in my class: 97%,". Instead of expressing pride, he asked "what happened to the other 3%?" It wasn't that I felt responsible for his happiness. Don't care if he perishes in a deep, dank ditch alone, or lives to suffer till 99. I felt like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. My hobbies, largely laughed at and thrown away. My awards, called BS awards and ignored. My As and Bs, overlooked for my Cs and Ds. No wonder I struggle to achieve anything now. My accomplishments meant nothing to my immediate family, so why would they matter to anyone else? Does it matter that I'm over a year and a half sober from weed? How about that I'm back in school, getting distinctions? That I intend to read 50 books next year, starting with Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and Marcus Aurelius' Meditations? What about my duolingo streak of over 700 days, and the fact that I have not used a single streak freeze since mid December last year, meaning I have practiced my second language for almost an entire year straight? I am beginning to learn how to be happy with my realistically achievable level of "good enough". Even if something is not complete, or to your standard of complete, remind yourself what you've achieved today and thus far is good enough. You're alive; that is good enough reason to believe you've done well.
@audreydoyle5268 you seem like a very smart and gifted young man. Mind if I ask you how your situation with your step father is now? Are you planning on moving out eventually? Hope more loving people enter your life 🙏
How true After watching this atleast I should stop following this kind of Gaslighting from generation Yes staying happy or sad is my responsibility and nobody else we should not bother anybody or be dependent 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
You’re not alone in this, I promise. I’m proud of you for what you’ve achieved and have been through the same. You’re past the crippled stage, I’ve been in it for the past two years and have finally been mentally broken, after my entire life- filled with achievements ignored. Getting out of it now, as I got selected in a top college after doing horribly in the last two years of high school. Trust me, the worst is behind you and you have great times ahead!
My parents' favourite area of gaslighting was forbidding negative emotions because "I'm too smart for that". I guess only dumb people get angry, or sad, or scared... In therapy I came to a realization that when I'm angry, I don't even feel it. I have the physical "symptoms" of anger, I react as an angry person, but I don't even know until I find myself confused by my own behaviour and try to analyze the emotion. It feels very bizzare to have to read my body language like an outside observer.
Similar experience here. Family would have a terrible reaction to any show of negative emotions, they got very upset over it. I have to rely on other people telling me that I'm getting bitchy or angry because I just won't pick up on it sometimes.
when the only time you don't get punished is when you shut your mouth and stay out of trouble, it doesn't take long before you stop speaking up about your problems and stop standing up for your self
@@pewpewdragon4483 so true 😔 I've also learned when they ask me to "tell the truth", they didn't actually want the truth. There was a Right Answer that I had to learn to guess. And now they wanna give me shit for lying? _You literally forced me to!_
It's called alexithymia, and same. I struggle with naming emotions more complex than "good/bad", "happy", "sad" or "mad", relying on when I started feeling off, what thoughts flood my mind, & what abstract feelings are in my body. For example, I see ego as a dense hot sun burning in my center, and once described my shame in tears to someone as "Feeling like a wound left to the elements". It can make you envision creative things. It's more common in autistic people, but other life events can disconnect you from your nervous system like that... like abuse. You can look up emotion wheels online to help. Hope you're learning how to deal with it.
When Kathy Bates won her first Oscar for Best Actress for "Misery," her mother said "I don't know what all the excitement is about, you didn't discover the cure for cancer." Parents, man .. nothing can please some of them. Best to use your own measure of success.
I like how finding the cure for cancer is where the bar is set…it’s an achievement so high no team of Harvard trained doctors and researchers has been able to do. We don’t know if it can be done at all! Something that might be impossible is the threshold for achievement in her mothers eyes. What does she have to do? Land on mars? Parents like that are sad people.
@@BrianGivensYtube fun fact they probably couldve and we absolutely have the technology to cure cancer but why would they, cancer makes the governement and hospitals thousands and thousands of dollars. hospitals treat symptoms and steal your money they don't fix your health issues
That test thing is something I've been learning about, too. When you grow up being taught that all mistakes are failure, and all failure is unacceptable... what you actually learn is that there isn't a reason to try. Why bother working hard to get 80% on a difficult exam, when the results will be exactly the same as getting 30% or 0%? That, or you develop a very detrimental degree of perfectionism. Everything you do must be flawless, so you devote an unreasonable amount of time to things that don't matter and burdening yourself with mountains of unnecessary stress.
Not to mention that perfectionist can become control freaks, which may be fine and even necessary if you are a craftsman or a business owner, but often times that extends to controlling other people, and often, by any means necessary.
This is me. I'm very very perfectionist, and I know this drains me a lot. For years I've been trying to do my best and accept my mistakes. I sing and post videos of me singing, and the first time I recorded myself singing to post it, I recorded it more than 40 times (I'm not exaggerating haha) cause I never thought it was good enough. Then I (thank God) thought: fuck it. I'll post it anyways. Result: a lot of people liked it and that encouraged me to do more, and that's what I did. Of course I don't post shitty things. I keep doing my best and accepting my mistakes, and with that I got to a point where people have invited me to sing in bands and I also won singing competitions! Accepting our own mistakes, improving ourselves and keep going is what makes us succeed
😡 Tell that to my 60 year old college professors. It’s been over 10 years. So they must be in their 70s. Man, now it seems silly to me to listen to such an old geizer. I wonder why. 🧐
@ if I may, Anna. I share this that I’ve been told over and over. You can only control you. And that’s a lot. The Grace you give them is good for you. You deserve to be able to be happy. If it’s okay I pray for you continue reading Dear Father I ask you to be w Anna and I and I ask you allow wisdom and understanding and patience, I thank you God for all the love u bring her and I ask u to help her have a great year, w joy and patience and hope. Thank you God be with Anna and allow her to pursue things bring people to her life that know you Jesus and who will not shame her when she seeks knowledge let her share her knowledge in kindness. God I ask you to help her in your way above all of this. In Jesus name! Amen 🙏☺️
I was berated, made to feel like the biggest idiot ever for making mistakes growing up. I was even severely punished for making mistakes no matter how big or small they were. It carried over to adulthood, now i punish myself and berate myself for making mistakes. I always think im going to get severely punished at work for making mistakes even though they're minor. It sucks so much.
Sending you so much love 💕💕 It may or may not help, but the people that subjected you to that treatment had some very nasty demons they chose to sit on (no, that does not mean you should pitty them). It's nice to know that the way people treat us is the sometimes the way they feel about themselves.
Similar story, about feeling like an idiot. If i did not do things thwt were shown, in first try..would be made to feel like an idiot and they would like things and done it on their own. Now for years i have struggled to start anything, in fear that of failiure. Which kinda goes away after i fo start, but to start takes so much effort. Ah and..i kinda nothing barely anything about many things because of not being allowed to explore and figure on my own
My parents have been controlling most of the things in my life from studies to relationships to the point I had given up on my desires and that made me depressed. Then they ask me why I don't smile or talk to them. I answer them you actually don't care about my happiness, so don't pretend to care. Then they call me the ungrateful child.
I understand totally. It’s why I changed my name, I don’t want to be associated with them anymore. I love my siblings, and I feel bad for my mother, but enough is enough.
I'm almost 40 and I'm just starting to learn this lesson. It's been mind blowing to hear my therapist say you can't learn without making mistakes. I'm trying to let it sink in.
I have three daughters. I always tell them that if they can look me in the eye and say that they did their best, I'll be happy. The one who never made a mistake never made anything.
This is why I have a phobia of teachers. It doesn't matter how easy something is, if an authoritative person is trying to teach me something, my brain becomes a brick wall. I do things best when I'm on my own.
Yes. My own mother was a teacher and always, still does, observes everything and everyone attempting to help, she's never realized that it actually hindered her children's growth because of it.
I get this way with teachers but moreso with tests - I can learn something fully, but still fail a test because the anxious doubting and second-guessing leave me answering in all kinds of dumb ways. Only for tests though.
Yes, the only teachers I have ever learned from were the supportive, kind, engaging types. Authoritarian, dry, or disconnected teachers should lose their jobs, imo.
The "gaslighting" described in this video is just a normal part of modern life in Japan and you get it everywhere, not just your parents and family but society itself, wherever you go whether it's school, your job etc.It's not simply about risking letting someone down but also facing the possibility of being shunned and ostracized by those within these various domains in one's life, leading to that country having among the highest suicide rates in the world. That's sad!
@@muma6559 The term originated I think in an old film called "Freaks", but it is typically used to denote acceptance into a group or community, typically in a sarcastic manner to describe joining a "cult" like way of thinking.
No! - When focusing on what was wrong and if those questions are critical for later (practice) is exactly the right way to get most out of the exam! - But not being glad that it was at least 89% is a little narcistic. Those exams are to select good from bads! - If everyone would perform 95%+, every society expects that from you! This is called a power creep (if any) and brings the habit of willingness to overwork with it! Don't loose your dignity! You are the superior species on earth! And the more we evolve, the less worth that old creeps are trying to buy in cheap meat to power their machines of mass production! 😅 Cheers!
@michaelosei7751 nice. I was. Still am in some ways but on journey to completely drop that identity I became this way because my single mother was verbally cutting, and would verbally/emotionally diminish me every single time I wouldn't get things correct on my FIRST try of a new thing....this was from childhood onward I now understand that even my mother experienced these things from her own father when SHE was growing up So it's bad nurturing all around, which I will certainly end .
Fact. I had an intuitive realization that parents do in fact expect certain things from you that "should" do for them when you get older. They probably won't say it to you and will even deny it, but when they talk with other people it's clear that parentage is sometimes treated like a long term investment, at least it feels like that for me idk..
@@ScaryMango6755 It's important to set boundaries. They brought us into this life, which let's be frank, isn't all sunshine and rainbows. So they have no right to act like they gave us a "gift" of sunshine and rainbows, when they've also brought us into pain and suffering that we wouldn't have to deal with had they not reproduced. So, we don't owe them as much as they'd like to think. I do think it's morally sound to reciprocate to SOME degree, we're not morally obligated to fulfill parental expectations that interfere with our own life goals. For example, parents have no right to push marriage and procreation unto you, just because they're feeling miserable and want grandchildren to have something to look forward to. That's not your obligation, moral or otherwise. They should get a puppy instead if they need something to cheer them up instead of burdening you with their fantasies.
, I'm going to have to do the right path of it and then I can get the power of your kingdom of heaven and earth to be in touch with your holy spirit of God that I have faith in you God ❤️🙏💗
This is what happened to me. My parents were never able to go to school (dropped out in middle school) and they moved to the US so they had high expectations for my brother and I since we were doing all that they couldn’t. They enforced all their standards onto my brother first, which he defied and never tried in school. I was the ‘good’ kid and the do-over since I was the quiet one. I always found it odd how they expected me to get straight A’s when my brother was failing. Instead of raising two B-C grade kids they raised an A and an F. I always felt the pressure to get the grades that my brother never had, since I was the quiet and “good one” after all. They failed me since I’ve had 4 hospitalizations for attempts and my brother is just coasting in life, doing whatever and being care-free.
In the last 6 years of me living with my mom i never heard something like: you did well, only that i did everything wrong and when i dared to question a punishment i got kicked or punched by a person that wasnt even my father. My mother did nothing except crying. I have no relationship to my mother anymore, 6 years later i start to understand why somethings are wrong with me. Watch out for yourselves guys! You owe your parents nothing.
Hit the nail on the head. Worst part is how even after meeting some "requirements" they raise the bar. It's an impossible game and everyone's miserable. One day I just snapped and had a moment of clarity: I didn't have to put up with this the rest of my life and I could support myself if I left. So I did. Packed my bags and left. My life is nothing like what they had planned for me and I've never been happier 🙂
Nobody's happiness is depended on you, is THEIR responsibility to achieve THEIR happiness, you focus on your happiness and don't let them drain you of your beautiful energy and precious time. YOU decide who you give YOUR energy and YOUR love to. Let us keep leveling up brothers.
"my parents don't know how to be happy and it becomes my responsibility"- that's exactly the problem I'm going through right now. I'm aware I'm not actually responsible for their happiness and they should know how to maintain it on their own, but it's like they can't have a conversation without complaining or going on about their trauma, whereas I'm at a point in my healing where I'm FINALLY able to focus on the good things and let the bad ones aside. I've processed my trauma enough that I can live without thinking about it all the time and without fucking things up because of an episode. and they're holding me back in that sense, a whole lot.
As a young parent with mental health issues who dealt with a very tumultuous upbringing I'm very appreciative for these videos for the peek behind the curtain they give
Since I stopped contact with my mom, it's like suddenly I'm responsible for her happiness again, and being in no contact hurts her so much she's letting me know again and again in the last years, despite my boundaries. However, when I was young she wasn't there for me, and she forgot all the horrible ways I grew up thanks to the neglect and bullying I went through. Why can't she be happy I found my happy place - without her, on my own? It's like she needs control over her children to be happy.
I can relate. So you (my mom) chronically neglect and criticize me my entire life and then are surprised that I don't want to be friends with you? And then on top of that try to make ME the villain for no-contact? Cry me a river.
Well, it’s a bit like a sister nitpicking my one hair out of place without just letting herself give a brief compliment on the whole look to me-like she’d rather die than give validation. That’s why gaslighting works-the person is desperate for breadcrumbs from a person who will never find it in themselves to give love freely.
That's why I used to remind myself as a mom to just encourage my child to do the best she could & that should be more than enough, whatever the grade she gets. But I do remind her also to never do anything less than her best shot. She is now a practicing medical doctor. Thank God! 🙏
Parents have children to make themselves feel better about their own selves. And the second that stops, life becomes hell for the child. And that happens pretty early
One of the things I disagree with from schools is in grading they don’t circle the correct answer to help learn the right answer, that is if they got it wrong. As a mother I don’t care for the grading system, I care about the comprehension of things in learning. That’s why I try to go over their work in failing or passing with them. It’s turned out so far pretty good.
this is what made me silent quit at work. I used to be a beast i did so much and the clients always had good words and experiences with me but i never got even one thank you from my companies end and if i ever made a mistake they came down on me so hard it was bs. So now i couldn't give a sack anymore, ill do my job minimum that i have to do and move on
I wrote a beautiful short story for my English class one year. We were to write about a personal experience that changed us internally. I wrote about my fathers stroke and my amazing English teacher said she read it twice and gave me an A+. When I took my paper home that day to show my mom, she immediately told me “you should’ve wrote it this way.” She couldn’t help herself. I went straight to my room. My older brother came in moments later and said “don’t feel bad, mom shouldn’t have said that. She should have congratulated you and left it at that.” Do not ever let a narcissist tell you that your success is wrong.
Be PROUD to make mistakes as it is i decisive of taking initiative and growing into a better version of your self. People who never try never make mistakes.
I had an exam I nailed with 100% because the teacher gave me bonus points for creativity in solving a problem with a solution he didn't teached us. I had a small error somewhere else though. I was really proud of myself and I celebrated it on the weekend and my gf said: "Yeah I had 100% once. And didn't you had a small error? So technically it's not actually 100%?" All that just to realize that I had a jelause gf that was falling apart because I wasn't giving her attention and all the attention lied on me. How could I, right? Saved me from some desprate years.
Thank you Dr K. My dad was a teacher and would always question me on why I couldn't have gotten better each time that was his method for motivating me. Its really damaging.
The best thing I ever did for my mental health was accept that I was a failure in all things. A 96 was the minimum acceptable score on anything in school for my parents, and after awhile it became clear that I just wasn't going to achieve that in mathematics of any kind. So I stopped trying... Mediocre grades from that point forward. And I had NO STRESS, because I already knew that I was going to fail, so reality could be whatever. Today, 25 years later, I am a polymath, and regularly teach myself new things. I use methods and tools that I flunked through in school and later had to relearn by other means. But because I approach the subject with an eye to simply do the best that I can, and NOT to achieve high standards, I can learn faster and apply the subject to a broader range of connections than any school would ever teach.
Imagine having a child when you haven’t healed your inner child from all the gaslighting to then having your child grow up to reflect back to you all your insecurities by demeaning you, talking down to you, and often seeing you as less than. My hope is that adults heal from childhood trauma before having children of their own.
People who say "well I suffered from this when I was a kid so you're gonna suffer too even though I hated every single minute of it" are dumb as hell, applies to parents, teachers and just people in general, why not fix that thing you hated so your kids don't suffer? Keep what you liked from when you were parented and discard what you didn't like
It's worse when it starts off as criticism to your wrongs/responsibilities, you internalise it, and later when you treat yourself to how you felt when younger you get told you shouldn't worry as much. best example is "you didn't get XX/100, we're not asking for perfection but [insert high number close to perfection] coz it's better to get it right once than have to repeat", internalising that and applying it to yourself, and when stressing out over it you get told by those same people years later that "it's ok to make mistakes, there's always another chance"
Elementary through Middle School: "Oh no!!! I got an 89 on a quiz!!! How am I gonna tell Mom????" College: "I got a 40 on my final.... but I passed the course anyway, so I can safely forget everything I barely learned immediately."
Parents saying when we're unhappy, depressed, anxious etc, it's bc we're "ungrateful" ... 99% of the time that's not how it works 🤦♀️ My hormones are messed up, not bc I'm ungrateful 😐
I never understood this automatic unconditional respect we give our parents for me it has to be earned and kept up just like everyone else, if your an adult then who cares about what they want or what makes them happy, live your own life like a grown up......
You were totally dependent on them as a child, especially when you were the most susceptible. That's why there is and always will be a certain underlying power dynamic between parents and their kids. Problem is that this power dynamic is narrated as respect and duty towards the older not as control over the younger.
@@dianthus_rubrum Good point, but I see it as it was out of my control, I had no say in being conceived or born, and as far as them protecting me in my most vulnerable times we'll that was their job their duty as a parent which just comes with the choice they made, nobody should be praised for doing their duties, and there's never been a power dynamic with my parents because I need nor want anything they have, I'm self efficient but I do see adult children kiss their parents asses because they want the parents money or love but again I need neither, the love comes if it comes but it must have no strings.......
One lesson about making mistakes or falling short of achievement I've seen/experienced is telling someone "mistakes are ok, just dont make the same one twice" with no further elaboration
Thank you. I have and am currently breaking that gas lighting cycle. My daughter never has been in charge of making me happy. I told her as a reminder last week that I am in charge of making my own happiness. And she is in charge of making her own happiness. Her dad made the big huge mistake of telling her to make straight A’s and he will buy her this $500 item she was wanting. Well that year came and went and no straight A’s. And she is so down on herself still and it’s been three years. And I hate that she does not celebrate the grades she has because I told her it’s not about the grades it’s about the learning and the enjoyment of just being in school and around her friends as she won’t ever get this time back again. My mom raised me to take care of her and regulate her emotions and feelings. And I was more like her mother than she was a mom to me. She was more like the partying teenager when I was the teen. I hated it. And there are times when I have a pity party that I have no one to take care of me. I suck it up though because I will be damned if I ever ask my daughter or expect her or want her to take care of me. Ever. I do not party and I am still much more responsible than my mom ever was. I still have issues that keep me feeling down. I’m autistic and recently diagnosed and just finalized divorce and feel like an ignorant fool trying to adult. Thank you for this message because even though I had a moment this evening when I snapped in a stressful moment at my daughter, I know we have open communication and I am not above apologizing sincerely. I love her with everything. And am so glad I have broken the cycle of making children be people pleasers and codependent. And she knows she has a voice and she uses it. Excited to see the adult she becomes. I hope she is happy. We all have issues and she has some obstacles but honestly I think she is a lot more emotionally mature than her peers. Thanks for your message again.
This is how it feels at work. There are a million things we can do right/wrong in our calls. You can get ONE thing wrong and its the ONLY thing that will be talked about. It kills your soul.
How to treat your parents! Give them the same medicine they give to you, when they act like this you also can criticise their mistakes and what they did wrong or could do better in their life! ? Works every time!
You will poison your mind with hatred the exact same way their parents did to them and before you know it you become like them. Just let go, ignore, them being alone would probably hurt them more as they grow older and see other old ppl with their kids and grandkids if you want revenge
I had this trouble with my parents and grandparents. They always told me to just not make mistakes. But humans make mistakes and if you are not ever making them you are not challenging yourself. Now I always tell myself to make as many mistakes as I can when learning something new and the stakes are lower.
Relearning these things can be sooo hard. Which is why i am doing my best to instill in my child that mistakes are OK, expected, and a part of learning. ❤
The older my age is, the more I understand that my parents are just older children like I am. They don't know better than you, so if the mistakes they made along the way weren't irreversible or serious, just forget those mistakes ever happened.
Mistakes are wrong choices leadin to wrong actions, which lead to undesirable consequences, so it's a very bad idea to forget they ever happened, but you could let go of things they didn't really have much control over
am I the only one who doesn’t give a goddamn about my parents? I learned right away at like age 7 that my parents are miserable cunts and nothing you do can please them so just do what you want. I came out really healthy, I have a job. I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t get into inappropriate or maladaptive situations, my friends are healthy and I am healthy and I’m even back in school for another degree just because I want to. sometimes your parents don’t know what’s accurate or correct. Don’t be so reliant on them for every single domain of your life.
In teacher training we were taught that we are not evaluating students' mistakes, we are evaluating what they habe learned and can do. It's a different perspective on grading which I really like. I also always encourage students to say wrong things because it means they are thinking. They are learning. We need to make mistakes to learn from them and we need people to tell us what we did wrong with a perspective of doing it better next time.
This makes sense until you're doing like a 65% on your test and trying to argue that you got 65/100 questions right. The problem is that there's an expectation for performance that doesn't allow for any score below 70% to be considered "worthy" of a learning experience.
You did 65%. Congratulations for the effort cuz 65 is not a 0% for sure and you Did study. Can you do 66% the next time? If yes, then you doing good. Expectations are fine, in society there are plenty of them, it's inevitable. And parents should teach their children that society will have expectations at one point. The important thing is to praise the efforts, not the results. Then that is motivating to give even more efforts, but it is not punished if the results are not great.
we live in a society where flaw in character is strictly prohibited. if you make a mistake, then you are your mistake. it doesnt matter about all the other standards you meet, not meeting *just 1* makes you a bad person in the vast majority of people's eyes. this sounds really weird but i swear im not referring to any particular kind of "mistake" here, genuinely just trying to speak generally lol
Dang, as someone who grew up with a parent like that and got as far as finishing med school while getting let go from my residency program, this was really validating to hear.
I get the point of the video but to play devil's advocate at least their parents care enough to want their child to be what they consider successful. I usually agree with Dr.K's takes but this feels a bit extreme. I think when we talk about gaslighting we have to account for intention. My parents do something similar and i usually brush it off with a joke or change the subject because i know they're trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to help.
You set your child up for failure more when you ignore their accomplishments and berate them more for their mistakes. There is a huge difference between constructive and destructive criticism. That is one of the biggest traps of enmeshment: believing your parents entirely mean well when they criticise you. Those who love you will want the best for you. Pointing out all your mistakes rather than believe you are intelligent enough to see and resolve them yourself is not best for a child. Again, big difference between what a parent thinks is best, and what is objectively the best course of action for their child. As a parent, they need to understand that giving dignity of risk is essential for development: they need to risk you going wayward in order for you to learn how to do better. No child learns to ride a bike if their parent holds the handlebars. Good intentions do not outweigh sin.
@@audreydoyle5268 Great response! But the first comment explicitly stated that it made use of the parent's perspective in order to gain additional insights about relations full of expectations such as what is mentioned here.
@@audreydoyle5268 So if you are allowed to make mistakes because you're learning, why don't your parents get the same benefit of the doubt? If you expect other people to be understanding and courteous of you, you need to do the same for others. Especially if they are well intentioned.
Bro sometimes this isn't gaslighting but your teacher telling you need improvement, if pointing out your fallacies and your mistakes is gaslighting, then there's no way you're gonna improve, stop with the paranoia.
That's not the point made here. The point is to entirely overlook what you have achieved so far because you are ONLY told about the things you've missed, thus never appreciating the smaller achievements as well - causing you to believe that you have to be perfect in order to be valuable.
@@trwn87 I'd say why give a sh*t about society not acknowledging your achievements?, as long as you do. Expecting the society to acknowledge and appreciate your achievements is very idealistic, our sociology is built in a way where anything of any substantial value to contribute to 'society' is 'only' considered and everything else like individual's sense of improvement is discarded, if you believe society actually cares about you then you are deluding yourself, society is built in a way to only make use of its constituents as utility. Empathy and conscience are secondary.
He is not talking about people asking you or mentoring you improve. He is saying your achievements and happiness should be yours. There shouldn't be someone who is dependent on it and ask you to improve just so they can feel good about it. Do you get it now?
You just described my childhood and my relationship with my mom perfectly. Now I've realized I need to distance myself from her as soon as possible. Thanks to this video I've found new determination to move out and live independently.
Gotta say that is one thing I like about how the GRE is set up. You don’t loose points you can only gain them. Your score is determined by adding up all of your correct responses. Ultimately it’s still a test so people still care more about you getting a higher score than anything else but I think on a subconscious level it is better.
Wow!! This hit close to home for me. This February 20th will be two years since my mom’s passing. My father passed away January 16, 1994. Since my mother has died, a lot of smoke has cleared. I’ve gotten hit with the reality that I have been protecting them, even after I had had a major mental health meltdown, which led to professional intervention, in the late 80’s, I was still expected to protect them because they could not handle the truth that they did not protect me when it was their job to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but if I’m being honest, I wished I had walked away from them years ago.
I find it interesting that you gave the answer as reasoning for your actual given answer. We focus on the 11 mistakes rather than the 89 successes because we as humans learn through failure. We noticed we failed, study HOW we failed, and then improve so as not to fail in that way again. Yes there is the gaslighting aspect you brought up, and that's very valid, but the question was, "why do we focus on the failures rather than the successes?". The answer is literally just cause that's how we as a species learn.
I remember a similar story (probably adopted for confidentiality) when someone talked about how this dynamic with parents. Hope everyone else that does this felt better hearing this like I did
At my 5th and final school, I had some amazing teachers. They focussed on my errors, but constructively - for them, mistakes were a way to discover what we needed assistance with. The school was very unusual - when homework was set it focused on the next chapter of our textbook, a chapter not yet covered in class, and answering the questions at the end. At the class later in the week we asked questions of the teacher about anything we were unclear about - there was never any sense of shame, it was a very positive experience. The question and answer session lasted for the whole class
Personally I tend to focus on errors and mistakes because those are the things that require action, you don't necessarily need to act on all those things you did right, but the downside is that you end up focusing on all the negatives and can really psych yourself out. As little sense as that makes
Growing up i was frequently sent to the principal's office just for small things like not doing the homework. Because some teachers assumed that i was care free and i radiated "idgaf energy". They wanted every student to fear them but for some reason they felt i was different. Based on their negative feedback my father made sure that he created a false sense of fear inside me whenever it came to exams in school or college. Due to this so much of anxiety issues developed inside of me. anxiety developed to a point where i would freak out for no reason if my parents mentioned something related to my exams or college or lecturers and if i had an exam that day hell would break loose at the house. I would freak out and mess up my exams and fail. It was eaither that or i would not give a shit about that exam and not attend school/college that day and just happily sit at home watching shows on Netflix. My academic life was extremely unfortunate. Slowly with age i started healing. Both my parents contributed to most of the traumas that developed inside me. I eaither wish for time to eventually heal me slowly or i one day get to a point where i surround myself with positive people and i could afford therapy. (And those positive people are definitely not my parents especially my psycho father)
This is so deeply rooted in Asian parenting that its sickening. Parents have such hard time isolating their happiness from ours and somewhere down the road, the line between care and toxic parenting gets extremely blurred. The child ends up being so confused of such layered intentions of the parents, that they go on to become perfectionist, self doubting beings, people pleasers and validation seekers. This acts as a snowball effect in adulthood, where now the behaviour spills into career, love, money and relationships, and takes years to unwire. One of my friend who had a great childhood, often tells me to get over it. But its only those who've lived the trauma know how difficult it is to get over the resentment. On one hand, they are you parents and no matter what they do you can never stop loving them, but on the other is your lost childhood and years of trauma healing.
I was raised by a Dad that was very critical and gave me a perfectionist mindset. It took a long time to stop beating myself up for every mistake I made in life. I barely talk to my Dad now and I definitely dont share my achievements with him because he will try to take credit for them. I'm raising my son to understand that his feelings matter and thats its ok to make mistakes.
I wish I could donate copies of my loving parents for everyone in the comments here that struggled with this. I remember feeling pressured in the beginning but my relationship with them became much better when my mom started therapy and eventually set an example for my dad that followed.
This is why I’m so grateful for my adoptive parents. I’m alive, and although I’m on long term sick leave, deep down, I’m pretty content and they say to me that’s all that matters. I love them so much ❤
That's why those never held accountable for mistakes, keep making them, no matter how deadly and costly, yet can be considered upstanding members of society, and governing countries, deciding over multiple countries in the world
Needed to hear this. I haven’t been full time in uni for a while because every semester I tried I had to medically withdraw or drop classes because of my health. This past semester was my first time being able to stick with studying full time and I got 3 A’s and 1 A-, arguably the best I have ever done academically, but because I got the A- I feel like I failed, and am having a hard time celebrating the achievements.
thank you for that statement about mistakes. So many people do that toward mistakes of how could you, when you are right you are learning and mistakes happen its all part of it.
Thank you. You sir have really changed my way of thinking and have helped me enjoy life it's not always a perfect day but it's no longer a dark tunnel I've found the light. Many people that leave comments on your videos and shorts have also helped me out I was always afraid of making mistakes and I wanted to be a perfect person and that switch is now off I do the best I can now. Thank you all. thank you Dr K may God bless you and your family thank you for giving us viewers hope.
"No one remembers when I do good and no one forgets when I do wrong "
So deep and true
Shame based
Agreed
How people raise children in a nutshell. And we wonder why so many hurt people are running around hurting other people
@@blueeagle9883 i feel that about the election, too, and the double standards to which Kamala Harris is being held.
That patient is asking the right questions.
And it's not that no one pays attention to the questions that patient got right, it's that certain people don't. There are probably others that would congratulate that performance.
@@Action2me I'm having to encourage my little brother right now because he feel discouraged because he never gets praise, specifically from our mom, when he does well. He's been struggling in physics since the year began, even failing the first few assignments. He's worked hard and has gotten a 95% on his latest test. When he went to show our mom, she had little to no reaction. "Good" was literally all she said, which wouldn't be so bad if she was the same when his scores were lower. She yelled at him for at least 30 minutes, ranting about how she sacrifices too much for him to be failing. I was in his position when I was younger and I honestly got tired of trying to please her, so I decided that I just wouldn't give a damn. I would get good grades but for myself.
@@Twilight91423 Hey man, hang in there and you'll get through this. I was able to confront my mom about some stuff the other day but that took a lot of prep, your brother is lucky to have you and hope you'll be able to figure things out with your mom. Show her how she's wrong if that's on the table
@@Twilight91423 That's honestly sad to hear. It sounds like your mom is afraid of something. Afraid that people might point at her and say her kids are failing.
And if somebody does that, it's kinda sad and they should be ashamed of themselves.
@@Action2me no he isnt
Yep. One Thursday afternoon, I finished studying early because I felt prepared for my exam the next day. My step father asked why I wasn't at the dinner table, studying. Told him why. He said "ok, if you don't get 100%, then you have to study for an extra hour every day next week, including Friday, and I might take your phone away,". Walked in Friday afternoon and he bombarded me straight away with "what you get?". I said "the highest mark in my class: 97%,". Instead of expressing pride, he asked "what happened to the other 3%?"
It wasn't that I felt responsible for his happiness. Don't care if he perishes in a deep, dank ditch alone, or lives to suffer till 99. I felt like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. My hobbies, largely laughed at and thrown away. My awards, called BS awards and ignored. My As and Bs, overlooked for my Cs and Ds. No wonder I struggle to achieve anything now. My accomplishments meant nothing to my immediate family, so why would they matter to anyone else?
Does it matter that I'm over a year and a half sober from weed? How about that I'm back in school, getting distinctions? That I intend to read 50 books next year, starting with Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and Marcus Aurelius' Meditations? What about my duolingo streak of over 700 days, and the fact that I have not used a single streak freeze since mid December last year, meaning I have practiced my second language for almost an entire year straight?
I am beginning to learn how to be happy with my realistically achievable level of "good enough". Even if something is not complete, or to your standard of complete, remind yourself what you've achieved today and thus far is good enough. You're alive; that is good enough reason to believe you've done well.
Well said. We’re all still here because we deserve it ❤
@audreydoyle5268 you seem like a very smart and gifted young man. Mind if I ask you how your situation with your step father is now? Are you planning on moving out eventually?
Hope more loving people enter your life 🙏
:3
How true
After watching this atleast I should stop following this kind of Gaslighting from generation
Yes staying happy or sad is my responsibility and nobody else we should not bother anybody or be dependent 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
You’re not alone in this, I promise. I’m proud of you for what you’ve achieved and have been through the same.
You’re past the crippled stage, I’ve been in it for the past two years and have finally been mentally broken, after my entire life- filled with achievements ignored.
Getting out of it now, as I got selected in a top college after doing horribly in the last two years of high school.
Trust me, the worst is behind you and you have great times ahead!
My parents' favourite area of gaslighting was forbidding negative emotions because "I'm too smart for that". I guess only dumb people get angry, or sad, or scared...
In therapy I came to a realization that when I'm angry, I don't even feel it. I have the physical "symptoms" of anger, I react as an angry person, but I don't even know until I find myself confused by my own behaviour and try to analyze the emotion. It feels very bizzare to have to read my body language like an outside observer.
Similar experience here. Family would have a terrible reaction to any show of negative emotions, they got very upset over it. I have to rely on other people telling me that I'm getting bitchy or angry because I just won't pick up on it sometimes.
I'm the same way. And it sucks so much.
when the only time you don't get punished is when you shut your mouth and stay out of trouble, it doesn't take long before you stop speaking up about your problems and stop standing up for your self
@@pewpewdragon4483 so true 😔
I've also learned when they ask me to "tell the truth", they didn't actually want the truth. There was a Right Answer that I had to learn to guess. And now they wanna give me shit for lying? _You literally forced me to!_
It's called alexithymia, and same. I struggle with naming emotions more complex than "good/bad", "happy", "sad" or "mad", relying on when I started feeling off, what thoughts flood my mind, & what abstract feelings are in my body.
For example, I see ego as a dense hot sun burning in my center, and once described my shame in tears to someone as "Feeling like a wound left to the elements". It can make you envision creative things.
It's more common in autistic people, but other life events can disconnect you from your nervous system like that... like abuse. You can look up emotion wheels online to help. Hope you're learning how to deal with it.
"Of course you made a mistake. You're learning and when people learn they make mistakes" 🔥 So good!
Its giving "my parents only watch when i miss a goal and look away when i score one" energy
Parents can be emotionally immature also which is more evident as we age. How we talk to ourself is so important.
The sudden realization that my mother acts like a toddler and not an actual mother really stings for me. No emotional maturity at all
When Kathy Bates won her first Oscar for Best Actress for "Misery," her mother said "I don't know what all the excitement is about, you didn't discover the cure for cancer."
Parents, man .. nothing can please some of them. Best to use your own measure of success.
😖
Kathy is one of the best actresses ever! Her jealous "mom" can go pound salt!
Wow...that's downright belittling...
I like how finding the cure for cancer is where the bar is set…it’s an achievement so high no team of Harvard trained doctors and researchers has been able to do. We don’t know if it can be done at all! Something that might be impossible is the threshold for achievement in her mothers eyes. What does she have to do? Land on mars? Parents like that are sad people.
@@BrianGivensYtube fun fact they probably couldve and we absolutely have the technology to cure cancer but why would they, cancer makes the governement and hospitals thousands and thousands of dollars. hospitals treat symptoms and steal your money they don't fix your health issues
That test thing is something I've been learning about, too. When you grow up being taught that all mistakes are failure, and all failure is unacceptable... what you actually learn is that there isn't a reason to try. Why bother working hard to get 80% on a difficult exam, when the results will be exactly the same as getting 30% or 0%?
That, or you develop a very detrimental degree of perfectionism. Everything you do must be flawless, so you devote an unreasonable amount of time to things that don't matter and burdening yourself with mountains of unnecessary stress.
So well said!
Yup... I do that
Not to mention that perfectionist can become control freaks, which may be fine and even necessary if you are a craftsman or a business owner, but often times that extends to controlling other people, and often, by any means necessary.
This is me. I'm very very perfectionist, and I know this drains me a lot. For years I've been trying to do my best and accept my mistakes. I sing and post videos of me singing, and the first time I recorded myself singing to post it, I recorded it more than 40 times (I'm not exaggerating haha) cause I never thought it was good enough. Then I (thank God) thought: fuck it. I'll post it anyways. Result: a lot of people liked it and that encouraged me to do more, and that's what I did. Of course I don't post shitty things. I keep doing my best and accepting my mistakes, and with that I got to a point where people have invited me to sing in bands and I also won singing competitions! Accepting our own mistakes, improving ourselves and keep going is what makes us succeed
"When you strive for perfection, you can never feel accomplishment, only relief"
- Dr. K
“And when people learn, they make mistakes” 😤💨💙
Puts "always a student, never a master" under a new light aswell
@@GodandCarrotluv and when people make mistakes, they tend to learn from them ❤️🩹
If you've never made a mistake it means you've never tried anything new 😎😎
😡
Tell that to my 60 year old college professors.
It’s been over 10 years. So they must be in their 70s.
Man, now it seems silly to me to listen to such an old geizer. I wonder why. 🧐
@ if I may, Anna. I share this that I’ve been told over and over. You can only control you. And that’s a lot. The Grace you give them is good for you. You deserve to be able to be happy. If it’s okay I pray for you continue reading Dear Father I ask you to be w Anna and I and I ask you allow wisdom and understanding and patience, I thank you God for all the love u bring her and I ask u to help her have a great year, w joy and patience and hope. Thank you God be with Anna and allow her to pursue things bring people to her life that know you Jesus and who will not shame her when she seeks knowledge let her share her knowledge in kindness. God I ask you to help her in your way above all of this. In Jesus name! Amen 🙏☺️
I was berated, made to feel like the biggest idiot ever for making mistakes growing up. I was even severely punished for making mistakes no matter how big or small they were. It carried over to adulthood, now i punish myself and berate myself for making mistakes. I always think im going to get severely punished at work for making mistakes even though they're minor. It sucks so much.
Sorry bro
Story of my life
Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and use an AI on the side to teach you about psychology
Sending you so much love 💕💕 It may or may not help, but the people that subjected you to that treatment had some very nasty demons they chose to sit on (no, that does not mean you should pitty them). It's nice to know that the way people treat us is the sometimes the way they feel about themselves.
Similar story, about feeling like an idiot. If i did not do things thwt were shown, in first try..would be made to feel like an idiot and they would like things and done it on their own. Now for years i have struggled to start anything, in fear that of failiure. Which kinda goes away after i fo start, but to start takes so much effort. Ah and..i kinda nothing barely anything about many things because of not being allowed to explore and figure on my own
My parents have been controlling most of the things in my life from studies to relationships to the point I had given up on my desires and that made me depressed. Then they ask me why I don't smile or talk to them. I answer them you actually don't care about my happiness, so don't pretend to care. Then they call me the ungrateful child.
I understand totally. It’s why I changed my name, I don’t want to be associated with them anymore. I love my siblings, and I feel bad for my mother, but enough is enough.
@@Burns_LivingFlowers this stung right on ಠ◡ಠ 🔪
Get out of there as soon as possible
I'm almost 40 and I'm just starting to learn this lesson. It's been mind blowing to hear my therapist say you can't learn without making mistakes. I'm trying to let it sink in.
You know, I learned that when I was 10. Why you take you so long to learn that lesson.
@@jordanwhite8718Oh be quiet
I have three daughters. I always tell them that if they can look me in the eye and say that they did their best, I'll be happy.
The one who never made a mistake never made anything.
This is why I have a phobia of teachers. It doesn't matter how easy something is, if an authoritative person is trying to teach me something, my brain becomes a brick wall. I do things best when I'm on my own.
Same!
Yes. My own mother was a teacher and always, still does, observes everything and everyone attempting to help, she's never realized that it actually hindered her children's growth because of it.
Not allowing them to learn or grow on their own.
I get this way with teachers but moreso with tests - I can learn something fully, but still fail a test because the anxious doubting and second-guessing leave me answering in all kinds of dumb ways. Only for tests though.
Yes, the only teachers I have ever learned from were the supportive, kind, engaging types. Authoritarian, dry, or disconnected teachers should lose their jobs, imo.
The "gaslighting" described in this video is just a normal part of modern life in Japan and you get it everywhere, not just your parents and family but society itself, wherever you go whether it's school, your job etc.It's not simply about risking letting someone down but also facing the possibility of being shunned and ostracized by those within these various domains in one's life, leading to that country having among the highest suicide rates in the world. That's sad!
Bad parenting is the reason for every ill on this planet
"One of Us, One of Us" culture.
Suicide because of gaslighting ??? wow
@@spinx2273 what's one of us culture?
@@muma6559 The term originated I think in an old film called "Freaks", but it is typically used to denote acceptance into a group or community, typically in a sarcastic manner to describe joining a "cult" like way of thinking.
Absolutely true. Perfectionist parents.
Perfectionist people. Some become parents. Some become basement dwellers who never become parents. Some become other things.
No! - When focusing on what was wrong and if those questions are critical for later (practice) is exactly the right way to get most out of the exam! - But not being glad that it was at least 89% is a little narcistic. Those exams are to select good from bads! - If everyone would perform 95%+, every society expects that from you!
This is called a power creep (if any) and brings the habit of willingness to overwork with it!
Don't loose your dignity!
You are the superior species on earth!
And the more we evolve, the less worth that old creeps are trying to buy in cheap meat to power their machines of mass production! 😅
Cheers!
@@EriPages You seem like a perfectionist 😂
Perfectionists can be insufferable.
@michaelosei7751 nice. I was. Still am in some ways but on journey to completely drop that identity
I became this way because my single mother was verbally cutting, and would verbally/emotionally diminish me every single time I wouldn't get things correct on my FIRST try of a new thing....this was from childhood onward
I now understand that even my mother experienced these things from her own father when SHE was growing up
So it's bad nurturing all around, which I will certainly end .
It can be very damaging to know a parents love is entirely conditional 😢
It's not the love that's conditional, but approval is.
Yes.
Fact. I had an intuitive realization that parents do in fact expect certain things from you that "should" do for them when you get older. They probably won't say it to you and will even deny it, but when they talk with other people it's clear that parentage is sometimes treated like a long term investment, at least it feels like that for me idk..
@@ScaryMango6755 It's important to set boundaries. They brought us into this life, which let's be frank, isn't all sunshine and rainbows. So they have no right to act like they gave us a "gift" of sunshine and rainbows, when they've also brought us into pain and suffering that we wouldn't have to deal with had they not reproduced. So, we don't owe them as much as they'd like to think. I do think it's morally sound to reciprocate to SOME degree, we're not morally obligated to fulfill parental expectations that interfere with our own life goals. For example, parents have no right to push marriage and procreation unto you, just because they're feeling miserable and want grandchildren to have something to look forward to. That's not your obligation, moral or otherwise. They should get a puppy instead if they need something to cheer them up instead of burdening you with their fantasies.
Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss
Rip to my childhood 😅 setting unrealistic goals for myself makes me realize I am still allowing my family to control my life and worth.
@@kaiwagner2924 snakes
Wow, great point 😮😅
"When you're learning, you make mistakes" 🔥 🔥 🔥
, I'm going to have to do the right path of it and then I can get the power of your kingdom of heaven and earth to be in touch with your holy spirit of God that I have faith in you God ❤️🙏💗
This is what happened to me. My parents were never able to go to school (dropped out in middle school) and they moved to the US so they had high expectations for my brother and I since we were doing all that they couldn’t. They enforced all their standards onto my brother first, which he defied and never tried in school. I was the ‘good’ kid and the do-over since I was the quiet one. I always found it odd how they expected me to get straight A’s when my brother was failing. Instead of raising two B-C grade kids they raised an A and an F. I always felt the pressure to get the grades that my brother never had, since I was the quiet and “good one” after all. They failed me since I’ve had 4 hospitalizations for attempts and my brother is just coasting in life, doing whatever and being care-free.
@@maryp9923 WOW that hit home for me. I hear you and feel for you. Dang that's exactly what I was trying to do
In the last 6 years of me living with my mom i never heard something like: you did well, only that i did everything wrong and when i dared to question a punishment i got kicked or punched by a person that wasnt even my father. My mother did nothing except crying. I have no relationship to my mother anymore, 6 years later i start to understand why somethings are wrong with me. Watch out for yourselves guys! You owe your parents nothing.
Hit the nail on the head. Worst part is how even after meeting some "requirements" they raise the bar. It's an impossible game and everyone's miserable.
One day I just snapped and had a moment of clarity: I didn't have to put up with this the rest of my life and I could support myself if I left. So I did. Packed my bags and left. My life is nothing like what they had planned for me and I've never been happier 🙂
Nobody's happiness is depended on you, is THEIR responsibility to achieve THEIR happiness, you focus on your happiness and don't let them drain you of your beautiful energy and precious time. YOU decide who you give YOUR energy and YOUR love to. Let us keep leveling up brothers.
"my parents don't know how to be happy and it becomes my responsibility"- that's exactly the problem I'm going through right now. I'm aware I'm not actually responsible for their happiness and they should know how to maintain it on their own, but it's like they can't have a conversation without complaining or going on about their trauma, whereas I'm at a point in my healing where I'm FINALLY able to focus on the good things and let the bad ones aside. I've processed my trauma enough that I can live without thinking about it all the time and without fucking things up because of an episode. and they're holding me back in that sense, a whole lot.
@@sk_lxr2920 damn. What an exact situation that I've got too. We've got this. We will be strong!
'When people learn they make mistakes.' Oh my gosh! Why did that hit me so hard? 😯
As a young parent with mental health issues who dealt with a very tumultuous upbringing I'm very appreciative for these videos for the peek behind the curtain they give
This short unpacks ALOT
Since I stopped contact with my mom, it's like suddenly I'm responsible for her happiness again, and being in no contact hurts her so much she's letting me know again and again in the last years, despite my boundaries. However, when I was young she wasn't there for me, and she forgot all the horrible ways I grew up thanks to the neglect and bullying I went through. Why can't she be happy I found my happy place - without her, on my own? It's like she needs control over her children to be happy.
Actually, that mom needing to control her children is a known thing.
I can relate. So you (my mom) chronically neglect and criticize me my entire life and then are surprised that I don't want to be friends with you? And then on top of that try to make ME the villain for no-contact? Cry me a river.
Well, it’s a bit like a sister nitpicking my one hair out of place without just letting herself give a brief compliment on the whole look to me-like she’d rather die than give validation. That’s why gaslighting works-the person is desperate for breadcrumbs from a person who will never find it in themselves to give love freely.
This is helping me so much and I don’t know why.
That's why I used to remind myself as a mom to just encourage my child to do the best she could & that should be more than enough, whatever the grade she gets. But I do remind her also to never do anything less than her best shot. She is now a practicing medical doctor. Thank God! 🙏
Parents have children to make themselves feel better about their own selves. And the second that stops, life becomes hell for the child. And that happens pretty early
Absolutely, great job in explaining this and thanks for exposing this to us.
One of the things I disagree with from schools is in grading they don’t circle the correct answer to help learn the right answer, that is if they got it wrong. As a mother I don’t care for the grading system, I care about the comprehension of things in learning. That’s why I try to go over their work in failing or passing with them. It’s turned out so far pretty good.
I got an 89 on my last calculus test, im hype i have a 91.5 in calculus rn we goated
Very good brotha
Based?!!
nice job bro
great job !!!
Running in the 90s!
this is what made me silent quit at work. I used to be a beast i did so much and the clients always had good words and experiences with me but i never got even one thank you from my companies end and if i ever made a mistake they came down on me so hard it was bs. So now i couldn't give a sack anymore, ill do my job minimum that i have to do and move on
That's a sad result, but hey, you do want to stay healthy and sane, and that's what it sometimes takes.
I wrote a beautiful short story for my English class one year. We were to write about a personal experience that changed us internally. I wrote about my fathers stroke and my amazing English teacher said she read it twice and gave me an A+. When I took my paper home that day to show my mom, she immediately told me “you should’ve wrote it this way.” She couldn’t help herself. I went straight to my room. My older brother came in moments later and said “don’t feel bad, mom shouldn’t have said that. She should have congratulated you and left it at that.” Do not ever let a narcissist tell you that your success is wrong.
OMG!! That is why I allways feel so ashamed when I made a mistake!!
Thank you for the clarification Dr. K!! ❤
Be PROUD to make mistakes as it is i decisive of taking initiative and growing into a better version of your self. People who never try never make mistakes.
I had an exam I nailed with 100% because the teacher gave me bonus points for creativity in solving a problem with a solution he didn't teached us. I had a small error somewhere else though. I was really proud of myself and I celebrated it on the weekend and my gf said: "Yeah I had 100% once. And didn't you had a small error? So technically it's not actually 100%?" All that just to realize that I had a jelause gf that was falling apart because I wasn't giving her attention and all the attention lied on me. How could I, right? Saved me from some desprate years.
Because we’re conditioned and programmed to think like that since we’re little.
What a smart man with a sincere face....a pleasure to listen to...
Thank you Dr K. My dad was a teacher and would always question me on why I couldn't have gotten better each time that was his method for motivating me. Its really damaging.
Especially when you get darn near perfect marks only to have the same canned response, with maybe a slightly more upbeat delivery.
People also make mistakes because they’re human, even if they’re not learning!
We focus on mistakes to learn, which is good. I would argue that is over focusing on mistakes without any recognizing of the goods that is bad.
The best thing I ever did for my mental health was accept that I was a failure in all things. A 96 was the minimum acceptable score on anything in school for my parents, and after awhile it became clear that I just wasn't going to achieve that in mathematics of any kind. So I stopped trying... Mediocre grades from that point forward.
And I had NO STRESS, because I already knew that I was going to fail, so reality could be whatever.
Today, 25 years later, I am a polymath, and regularly teach myself new things. I use methods and tools that I flunked through in school and later had to relearn by other means. But because I approach the subject with an eye to simply do the best that I can, and NOT to achieve high standards, I can learn faster and apply the subject to a broader range of connections than any school would ever teach.
Imagine having a child when you haven’t healed your inner child from all the gaslighting to then having your child grow up to reflect back to you all your insecurities by demeaning you, talking down to you, and often seeing you as less than. My hope is that adults heal from childhood trauma before having children of their own.
@@Aguilita510 so true 🙏🏽
Then they would truly be adults and to quite a mentor of my mine, people NEVER grow up
People who say "well I suffered from this when I was a kid so you're gonna suffer too even though I hated every single minute of it" are dumb as hell, applies to parents, teachers and just people in general, why not fix that thing you hated so your kids don't suffer? Keep what you liked from when you were parented and discard what you didn't like
Hot take: grandparents are the better parents. They had more time to self-reflect.
You are right. This is the condition of the world. Unfortunately.
It's worse when it starts off as criticism to your wrongs/responsibilities, you internalise it, and later when you treat yourself to how you felt when younger you get told you shouldn't worry as much.
best example is "you didn't get XX/100, we're not asking for perfection but [insert high number close to perfection] coz it's better to get it right once than have to repeat", internalising that and applying it to yourself, and when stressing out over it you get told by those same people years later that "it's ok to make mistakes, there's always another chance"
Moving from England to Australia worked well for me!!🙏🌺💜
Elementary through Middle School: "Oh no!!! I got an 89 on a quiz!!! How am I gonna tell Mom????"
College: "I got a 40 on my final.... but I passed the course anyway, so I can safely forget everything I barely learned immediately."
Parents saying when we're unhappy, depressed, anxious etc, it's bc we're "ungrateful" ... 99% of the time that's not how it works 🤦♀️
My hormones are messed up, not bc I'm ungrateful 😐
I never understood this automatic unconditional respect we give our parents for me it has to be earned and kept up just like everyone else, if your an adult then who cares about what they want or what makes them happy, live your own life like a grown up......
You were totally dependent on them as a child, especially when you were the most susceptible. That's why there is and always will be a certain underlying power dynamic between parents and their kids. Problem is that this power dynamic is narrated as respect and duty towards the older not as control over the younger.
@@dianthus_rubrum Good point, but I see it as it was out of my control, I had no say in being conceived or born, and as far as them protecting me in my most vulnerable times we'll that was their job their duty as a parent which just comes with the choice they made, nobody should be praised for doing their duties, and there's never been a power dynamic with my parents because I need nor want anything they have, I'm self efficient but I do see adult children kiss their parents asses because they want the parents money or love but again I need neither, the love comes if it comes but it must have no strings.......
I gaslight myself to being the best version of myself...I went from 2.0 to 5.0 now...Progress!
Even though he is speaking English, his hands are communicating in Indian.
I was about to say that too lol! Reminded me of Russell Peters comedy shows lol!
Happiness is an inner phenomenon. Nobody can make you happy from outside. It’s your own responsibility.
My father once told me that i'm supposed tò makes him Happy by my Life chioces. And i said heck No, its your responsibility dude
Yeah, especially true in Germany, where people don't care what you can, people care what you don't can so they can complain
One lesson about making mistakes or falling short of achievement I've seen/experienced is telling someone "mistakes are ok, just dont make the same one twice" with no further elaboration
Thank you. I have and am currently breaking that gas lighting cycle. My daughter never has been in charge of making me happy. I told her as a reminder last week that I am in charge of making my own happiness. And she is in charge of making her own happiness.
Her dad made the big huge mistake of telling her to make straight A’s and he will buy her this $500 item she was wanting. Well that year came and went and no straight A’s. And she is so down on herself still and it’s been three years. And I hate that she does not celebrate the grades she has because I told her it’s not about the grades it’s about the learning and the enjoyment of just being in school and around her friends as she won’t ever get this time back again.
My mom raised me to take care of her and regulate her emotions and feelings.
And I was more like her mother than she was a mom to me. She was more like the partying teenager when I was the teen.
I hated it. And there are times when I have a pity party that I have no one to take care of me. I suck it up though because I will be damned if I ever ask my daughter or expect her or want her to take care of me. Ever.
I do not party and I am still much more responsible than my mom ever was. I still have issues that keep me feeling down. I’m autistic and recently diagnosed and just finalized divorce and feel like an ignorant fool trying to adult.
Thank you for this message because even though I had a moment this evening when I snapped in a stressful moment at my daughter, I know we have open communication and I am not above apologizing sincerely.
I love her with everything. And am so glad I have broken the cycle of making children be people pleasers and codependent. And she knows she has a voice and she uses it.
Excited to see the adult she becomes. I hope she is happy. We all have issues and she has some obstacles but honestly I think she is a lot more emotionally mature than her peers.
Thanks for your message again.
This is how it feels at work. There are a million things we can do right/wrong in our calls. You can get ONE thing wrong and its the ONLY thing that will be talked about. It kills your soul.
Ngl you're right, i need to stop gaslighting myself into thinking everything will be okay.
How to treat your parents! Give them the same medicine they give to you, when they act like this you also can criticise their mistakes and what they did wrong or could do better in their life! ? Works every time!
Congrats. You are your parents son after all. What does that achieve? Gaslighting the gaslighter is still gaslighting
Only thing is you and I are not like them and we know that acting like that is not of us. We would wither away from the inside.
You will poison your mind with hatred the exact same way their parents did to them and before you know it you become like them. Just let go, ignore, them being alone would probably hurt them more as they grow older and see other old ppl with their kids and grandkids if you want revenge
I had this trouble with my parents and grandparents. They always told me to just not make mistakes. But humans make mistakes and if you are not ever making them you are not challenging yourself. Now I always tell myself to make as many mistakes as I can when learning something new and the stakes are lower.
That "Here's Johnny!" Thumbnail tho
Relearning these things can be sooo hard. Which is why i am doing my best to instill in my child that mistakes are OK, expected, and a part of learning. ❤
The older my age is, the more I understand that my parents are just older children like I am. They don't know better than you, so if the mistakes they made along the way weren't irreversible or serious, just forget those mistakes ever happened.
But they were serious
Yes I agree with not holding grudges but don't reduce it to mere mistakes.
Mistakes are wrong choices leadin to wrong actions, which lead to undesirable consequences, so it's a very bad idea to forget they ever happened, but you could let go of things they didn't really have much control over
You can tell he's Indian bro.
When he talked about parents expectations, he did the Indian head and hand motions at "THIS is the gaslighting"
am I the only one who doesn’t give a goddamn about my parents? I learned right away at like age 7 that my parents are miserable cunts and nothing you do can please them so just do what you want. I came out really healthy, I have a job. I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t get into inappropriate or maladaptive situations, my friends are healthy and I am healthy and I’m even back in school for another degree just because I want to.
sometimes your parents don’t know what’s accurate or correct. Don’t be so reliant on them for every single domain of your life.
You are lucky! 😊
In teacher training we were taught that we are not evaluating students' mistakes, we are evaluating what they habe learned and can do. It's a different perspective on grading which I really like. I also always encourage students to say wrong things because it means they are thinking. They are learning. We need to make mistakes to learn from them and we need people to tell us what we did wrong with a perspective of doing it better next time.
This makes sense until you're doing like a 65% on your test and trying to argue that you got 65/100 questions right. The problem is that there's an expectation for performance that doesn't allow for any score below 70% to be considered "worthy" of a learning experience.
You did 65%. Congratulations for the effort cuz 65 is not a 0% for sure and you Did study. Can you do 66% the next time? If yes, then you doing good. Expectations are fine, in society there are plenty of them, it's inevitable. And parents should teach their children that society will have expectations at one point. The important thing is to praise the efforts, not the results. Then that is motivating to give even more efforts, but it is not punished if the results are not great.
we live in a society where flaw in character is strictly prohibited. if you make a mistake, then you are your mistake. it doesnt matter about all the other standards you meet, not meeting *just 1* makes you a bad person in the vast majority of people's eyes.
this sounds really weird but i swear im not referring to any particular kind of "mistake" here, genuinely just trying to speak generally lol
First
Dang, as someone who grew up with a parent like that and got as far as finishing med school while getting let go from my residency program, this was really validating to hear.
I get the point of the video but to play devil's advocate at least their parents care enough to want their child to be what they consider successful. I usually agree with Dr.K's takes but this feels a bit extreme. I think when we talk about gaslighting we have to account for intention. My parents do something similar and i usually brush it off with a joke or change the subject because i know they're trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to help.
You set your child up for failure more when you ignore their accomplishments and berate them more for their mistakes. There is a huge difference between constructive and destructive criticism. That is one of the biggest traps of enmeshment: believing your parents entirely mean well when they criticise you.
Those who love you will want the best for you. Pointing out all your mistakes rather than believe you are intelligent enough to see and resolve them yourself is not best for a child. Again, big difference between what a parent thinks is best, and what is objectively the best course of action for their child. As a parent, they need to understand that giving dignity of risk is essential for development: they need to risk you going wayward in order for you to learn how to do better. No child learns to ride a bike if their parent holds the handlebars.
Good intentions do not outweigh sin.
@@audreydoyle5268 Great response! But the first comment explicitly stated that it made use of the parent's perspective in order to gain additional insights about relations full of expectations such as what is mentioned here.
@@audreydoyle5268 So if you are allowed to make mistakes because you're learning, why don't your parents get the same benefit of the doubt? If you expect other people to be understanding and courteous of you, you need to do the same for others. Especially if they are well intentioned.
This is why we need to learn how to accept ourselves and parent ourselves.
I am learning all those parenting skills for this reason.
Bro sometimes this isn't gaslighting but your teacher telling you need improvement, if pointing out your fallacies and your mistakes is gaslighting, then there's no way you're gonna improve, stop with the paranoia.
That's not the point made here. The point is to entirely overlook what you have achieved so far because you are ONLY told about the things you've missed, thus never appreciating the smaller achievements as well - causing you to believe that you have to be perfect in order to be valuable.
@@trwn87 I'd say why give a sh*t about society not acknowledging your achievements?, as long as you do. Expecting the society to acknowledge and appreciate your achievements is very idealistic, our sociology is built in a way where anything of any substantial value to contribute to 'society' is 'only' considered and everything else like individual's sense of improvement is discarded, if you believe society actually cares about you then you are deluding yourself, society is built in a way to only make use of its constituents as utility. Empathy and conscience are secondary.
@@sarveshjewalikar9921 I never said I cared about society, I don't, it's solely an observation.
@@trwn87 That's good then.
He is not talking about people asking you or mentoring you improve. He is saying your achievements and happiness should be yours. There shouldn't be someone who is dependent on it and ask you to improve just so they can feel good about it. Do you get it now?
i love how desi his mannerisms/movements are in this video lmfaoo🩷
You just described my childhood and my relationship with my mom perfectly. Now I've realized I need to distance myself from her as soon as possible. Thanks to this video I've found new determination to move out and live independently.
Gotta say that is one thing I like about how the GRE is set up. You don’t loose points you can only gain them. Your score is determined by adding up all of your correct responses. Ultimately it’s still a test so people still care more about you getting a higher score than anything else but I think on a subconscious level it is better.
Wow!! This hit close to home for me. This February 20th will be two years since my mom’s passing. My father passed away January 16, 1994. Since my mother has died, a lot of smoke has cleared. I’ve gotten hit with the reality that I have been protecting them, even after I had had a major mental health meltdown, which led to professional intervention, in the late 80’s, I was still expected to protect them because they could not handle the truth that they did not protect me when it was their job to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but if I’m being honest, I wished I had walked away from them years ago.
I find it interesting that you gave the answer as reasoning for your actual given answer.
We focus on the 11 mistakes rather than the 89 successes because we as humans learn through failure. We noticed we failed, study HOW we failed, and then improve so as not to fail in that way again. Yes there is the gaslighting aspect you brought up, and that's very valid, but the question was, "why do we focus on the failures rather than the successes?". The answer is literally just cause that's how we as a species learn.
I remember a similar story (probably adopted for confidentiality) when someone talked about how this dynamic with parents. Hope everyone else that does this felt better hearing this like I did
At my 5th and final school, I had some amazing teachers. They focussed on my errors, but constructively - for them, mistakes were a way to discover what we needed assistance with. The school was very unusual - when homework was set it focused on the next chapter of our textbook, a chapter not yet covered in class, and answering the questions at the end. At the class later in the week we asked questions of the teacher about anything we were unclear about - there was never any sense of shame, it was a very positive experience. The question and answer session lasted for the whole class
Personally I tend to focus on errors and mistakes because those are the things that require action, you don't necessarily need to act on all those things you did right, but the downside is that you end up focusing on all the negatives and can really psych yourself out. As little sense as that makes
Growing up i was frequently sent to the principal's office just for small things like not doing the homework. Because some teachers assumed that i was care free and i radiated "idgaf energy". They wanted every student to fear them but for some reason they felt i was different. Based on their negative feedback my father made sure that he created a false sense of fear inside me whenever it came to exams in school or college. Due to this so much of anxiety issues developed inside of me. anxiety developed to a point where i would freak out for no reason if my parents mentioned something related to my exams or college or lecturers and if i had an exam that day hell would break loose at the house. I would freak out and mess up my exams and fail. It was eaither that or i would not give a shit about that exam and not attend school/college that day and just happily sit at home watching shows on Netflix. My academic life was extremely unfortunate. Slowly with age i started healing. Both my parents contributed to most of the traumas that developed inside me. I eaither wish for time to eventually heal me slowly or i one day get to a point where i surround myself with positive people and i could afford therapy. (And those positive people are definitely not my parents especially my psycho father)
This is so deeply rooted in Asian parenting that its sickening. Parents have such hard time isolating their happiness from ours and somewhere down the road, the line between care and toxic parenting gets extremely blurred. The child ends up being so confused of such layered intentions of the parents, that they go on to become perfectionist, self doubting beings, people pleasers and validation seekers. This acts as a snowball effect in adulthood, where now the behaviour spills into career, love, money and relationships, and takes years to unwire. One of my friend who had a great childhood, often tells me to get over it. But its only those who've lived the trauma know how difficult it is to get over the resentment. On one hand, they are you parents and no matter what they do you can never stop loving them, but on the other is your lost childhood and years of trauma healing.
Truth, perhaps not as children but codependent rely on others to make them happy, happiness comes from within
"i responsible for my own action, not others expectations or feelings"
I was raised by a Dad that was very critical and gave me a perfectionist mindset. It took a long time to stop beating myself up for every mistake I made in life. I barely talk to my Dad now and I definitely dont share my achievements with him because he will try to take credit for them. I'm raising my son to understand that his feelings matter and thats its ok to make mistakes.
I wish I could donate copies of my loving parents for everyone in the comments here that struggled with this. I remember feeling pressured in the beginning but my relationship with them became much better when my mom started therapy and eventually set an example for my dad that followed.
Your so right!!! In our society is making a mistake still not acceptable! We are humans and nobody is petfect! Making a mistake is not a shame!!
This is why I’m so grateful for my adoptive parents. I’m alive, and although I’m on long term sick leave, deep down, I’m pretty content and they say to me that’s all that matters. I love them so much ❤
Excellent points!!!
That's why those never held accountable for mistakes, keep making them, no matter how deadly and costly, yet can be considered upstanding members of society, and governing countries, deciding over multiple countries in the world
Needed to hear this. I haven’t been full time in uni for a while because every semester I tried I had to medically withdraw or drop classes because of my health. This past semester was my first time being able to stick with studying full time and I got 3 A’s and 1 A-, arguably the best I have ever done academically, but because I got the A- I feel like I failed, and am having a hard time celebrating the achievements.
Wow. This is hitting hard. Thank you for this video and all that you put out into the world.
You are absolutely right my brother. I am always wondering in my shoes
Thank you😊. I see the strong empathy in you.
thank you for that statement about mistakes. So many people do that toward mistakes of how could you, when you are right you are learning and mistakes happen its all part of it.
Thank you. You sir have really changed my way of thinking and have helped me enjoy life it's not always a perfect day but it's no longer a dark tunnel I've found the light. Many people that leave comments on your videos and shorts have also helped me out I was always afraid of making mistakes and I wanted to be a perfect person and that switch is now off I do the best I can now. Thank you all. thank you Dr K may God bless you and your family thank you for giving us viewers hope.