Weak People Pleasers? Walk Away!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 มิ.ย. 2024
- Weak people terrify me. Weakness of character is indistinguishable from evil. The weak are suggestible, malleable, mutable and, therefore highly unstable, unreliable, and untrustworthy.
People pleasing and an inability to say “no” even to the most degrading offers and demands lead the weak to reckless, disgraceful, and antisocial acts. They are enablers in the worst sense of the word: aid and abet the self-destructiveness of others.
Gradually, to survive their wracking guilt, shame, and self-loathing, they evolve into narcissists and psychopaths. They mistake defiance for boundaried assertiveness.
They betray their loved ones and breach their own fragile and permeable boundaries time and again just in order to fit in and be “liked” or to counter loneliness and boredom.
Many weak folks are mentally ill. They suffer from Borderline or Dependent personality disorder, for example. But others have been conditioned by needy and selfish parents to become subservient and self-denying.
Rescuer/savior/fixer types are attracted to weak mates. They crave the omninpotence that comes with the territory, but also the drama: ups and downs, pain, sweet reconciliations after tumultuous fights, intermittent reinforcement, and trauma bonding.
Some intimate partners of the weak mistake the people pleaser for the empathic, kind, loving, and altruistic sort. They are in for a rude awakening as s/he pivots and cheats or lies or betrays just in order to gain the approval and continued presence of others.
Many weak people also provoke abuse, stray compulsively, prevaricate habitually, abuse substances, engage in extreme sexual self-trashing, and act recklessly - all forms of self-harming.
Some high functioning patients compartmentalize their mental illness: an accomplished professional by day prostitutes herself intoxicated by night; a beloved medical doctor turns pedophile after working hours; a respected politician burgles homes by moonlight.
Their mental illness functions like a pressure valve, a dysregulated and unboundaried release of anxiety, depression, antisocial impulses and other derangements.
Forgive these people, don’t rage or mourn what could have been. Don’t let their accomplishments and standing in society mislead you: there is nobody home, they know not what they are doing, they are spiralling out of control, threatening to take you with them.
Do not try to make sense of the choices and actions of such poor miscreants and misfits - for there is none. Just move on with your life and forget them.
Remember: you are under no obligation to sacrifice yourself and to love the mentally ill. Your remote sympathy and pity are sufficient offerings.
Safeguard your life and sanity, stay away, and remove such people from your life posthaste, regardless of how agonizing such a breakup may be to you. No contact.
Do not be a rescuer or savior or fixer - lest you end up being in need of rescuing, saving, and fixing.
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Fact: "You're under no obligation to sacrifice yourself." 🖤
This was me. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have been in therapy for many years. I am much more differentiated now. I have learned to set boundaries and be more authentic. It also became more difficult to let people into my life, which is not a bad thing in my opinion.
The same here.
@@kylemacarthur9863 Sorry for the late reply! I just saw your comment for the first time. One of the things I used to do often was that I felt like I had to be kind and polite to everyone. Even if someone was rude or made unreasonable requests, I would respond the way that I thought was respectful even though it felt bad. Now I take a moment and listen to what my body and my brain are telling me. If I don't feel good about a situation, I don't disregard my feelings. Instead I either respond truthfully or take a breather. I'm still a kind person but I make it a point to be kind and respectful to myself now. That's just an example off the top of my head. Something else I try to do is to stand up for myself in the moment, and address concerns with people individually as soon as possible so I don't ruminate.
@@kylemacarthur9863 You're welcome!
@@kylemacarthur9863 if u want something u say so and if they do anything u don’t like u speak out or take action. You do what’s best for your health and happiness. U r your own guard of your self esteem and self respect.
Brene Brown, social researcher, found that the trait the most compassionate people shared was that they had the strongest boundaries. Love what you said here Sam Vaknin.
Predators prey on kind people. You have spoken about this Sam.
Predators prey on anything, they don't discriminate
They sure do. I agree
You just want to feel special as a victim. You are not, they don't care about anyone, they suck blood whenever they can
@@StartingPlanet I guess you're right, but I think that nice people would be easier to take advantage of. And they also give the predator what it wants, whereas a fellow psychopath would probably have nothing to offer.
Weakness of character reminds me of the word "weasel". Not having principles. They hide well in crowds.
At first, I was like, oh maybe he's talking about me... my boundaries aren't what they should be. Then he went on and I was like nah, I'm good 👍
So true . My colleague kept putting me down , criticizing me after we started to become good friend . I somehow recognized this kind of behavior and confronted her immediately . Instead of hearing her apologize me , she tried to get away with it and started having a bad argument with me . Actually it became physically violent . What a horrible person . She has become vindictive ever since by trying to get other colleagues to go against me . I have stopped talking to her and let it be .
That's what happened to me. She was sleeping around cheating on her husband(I'm only aware about 3 men during knowing her for 4 years) then started grooming and going after my partner🤣. She started grooming hom. Seeking desperately contact with him, saying phrases like oh I love your hairstyle, hey sexy and keeping this seductove prolonged eye contact. Luckily he wasn't up to🙈 I made him aware that one day he will receive "accidental" pocket call from her or text message. A few weeks later it happened and he told me that I was right 🙈 She still tries to manipulates my friends and everyone she knows I was talking good about sending them lovely messages, giving gifts and being super nice 🤯 when at the same time during our "friendship" she was talking very bad things about them to me! Can't get rid that shit out of my life even if I don't talk to her anymore 🤯🤯🤯🤯
i was a people pleaser with my ex narc bc nothing i ever did made him happy enough to treat me well. so i did abandon myself and try everything to get the honeymoon period back. bc he deemed me unworthy and it mirrored my childhood i was hellbent on becoming worthy at all costs. i’ve been in trauma therapy steadily for two years and im getting much better. it’s always been interesting to me that in my one formative dynamic with my narc i’ve been absolutely different than how i conduct myself in usual dynamics.
This is a hauntingly precise description of my own recent conduct. It’s strangely reassuring to know I am not alone (like, not crazy I am hoping). Thank you. And best wishes to you! Heal stronger and brighter than you have ever been!
@@suzannegunn4674 it makes me feel less alone, too. I hate that any of us have experienced the same, but it does make me feel like I’m not insane. Especially because being with the narcs really do make you feel insane. I’ll keep trying ❤️ I hope you’re doing well too
Being a people FIXER and SAVIOR myself I can say this describes so well my past 8 years relationship! i am beyond blown away !
I was there, thinking I was nice, but in truth, i was just lost. No boundaries does equal evil.
Children's boundaries are set by parents. Running from home to get married just changed who set my boundaries.
I never grew up because my spouse liked me like that, but I didn't!
I left and have been growing up since then.
And yes, it started with abuse that I was too ashamed to confront.
I wasn't aware that one could say no to power.
Weakness = Evil. Thank you Sam. This is the video I needed to see now. God bless you for helping so many people. ❤
Well Jesus was not a people pleaser... alright
you sound confused
Simple rule of life...
Treat people as they treat you.
except your gf
A lecture on "simps" , thank you for this Professor Vaknin. I know my curious intellect coupled with what feels like a cluster A unsolidified personality creates situations where at times I unconsciously seek stimulus outside of the numb solitude of self. I can draw antagonism from being a "people pleaser" at times, otherwise I would just draw antagonism without the middleman like everyone else. My long time partnership with another is over. I am not "her narc", she is not "my narc" or "my ex narc". We are both free from our shared time together. (If misery loves company then avoid the company of those who love misery or at least need it as a self-defining crutch.)
I remain what I've always been, a student of life and if I feel like a leaf in the wind much of the time I don't blame the wind for that.
So a weak people pleaser behaves similar to some narcissists? Would that be another form of narcissism?
Sam, I’ll say it again, you’re an asset to humanity! I’m lucky to benefit from what you give away so freely~
13:12 minute mark
This portion is the two minute paradigm shift to heal a heart swiftly and finally go NO CONTACT.♥️✨👍
It’s shocking listening to this video… empty souls no body home wow 😮
This is brilliant. I'm staying no contact now for good. Every word was true about him. Actor, conman, people pleaser extraordinaire. Thank you.
Great video! Thank you! True, no contact is the only option.
weak people "Mistake defiance for boundaried assertiveness ". What a POWERFUL statement.
Yeah I know someone this fits. Calls herself an empath and says that it's the reason she jumps from one abusive relationship to the next... Well 2 right after another to be specific.
So many people feel so sorry for her that they downplay horrible things they endured. Ex: one time I'm talking to another female and she tells me her man cut her in the face than goes on to say at least I'm not being cheated on like the former girl. Another time I heard someone say to another "being aggressively held under water is nothing at least you aren't being cheated on like the former girl" ..I'm not even exaggerating... like I understand being cheated on is horrible, but holy cow.
I've always wondered if a covert narcissist intentionally get into overt narcissist relationships, because they know it gets them sympathy from others..
That would come across as premeditated..and am sure people dont plan on meeting abusive partners
@@donnasmith5400 probably. But I've heard w/ the first guy them play out scenes in public in front of people to get stuff.
And how I know they was doing that is because the person said " I don't like telling them I can't give them stuff, because every time I wouldn't give them something they would stand outside the house and he would call her names until I did, and as soon as I did it stopped.. they would both become happy with each other".. ok now you tell me this if your man is calling you a bunch of nasty names would you instantly stop being upset about it as soon as you got what you wanted off of someone?
You can be an empath and still have a shitty life environment or have mistakes, or make choices against her own interest, why are you doubting her? And what for? That has nothing to do with her conduct in life.
You sound like you've been watching too many empath's are suppose to have sad lives & be pain magnet vids which is a common click bait thing here on youtube rather then telling empaths what empathy actually is which is a power (when operating as it should) a power that they have to learn to wield that is very strengthening which are far rarer vids on youtube, your friend might want two books (1) ) Judith Orloff's Survival Guide for Empaths (2) Llyewellyn's little book of empathy by Cyndi Dale those will help her out on the empathy side however
She and your other friends sound like they've all got CPTSD unknown & untreated I can see several symptoms just with your descriptions alone it can lead to such behavior like he's tried to kill me but at least he ain't a cheater! (meaning he'll leave them and abandon them)They and you should check out Tim Fletcher's series 60 characteristics of CPTSD (abandonment, shame, guilt, trust, addiction, just to name a few but honestly go through the whole lot) they treat that they stop low baring their entire lives studies have 80% of the US have CPTSD untreated. This is a subconscious operation for survival a person has to look at themselves and know what to look for to see it and bring it to the conscious to change their lives.
OP here says he's psychologist yet all he's doing is gaslighting and shaming people at a minimum triggering their CPTSD and other issues which will then fire up and become worse as such isn't in their control if they know little or nothing about the condition you think he would know its not just what you say but how you say it and he's doing it horribly he's speaking on people who do not know they have CPTSD and acting like it's their fault. He's doing the equivalent of someone breaking their bones and he goes you weakling become normal right now! Such a gaslilghting vid and a disservice to his profession.
@@destroyraiden abandonment issues is BPD not cptsd. A person with cptsd is more likely to avoid intimate relationships; especially, if the relationship is toxic. A person with cptsd avoids anything that reminds them of the cause of their diagnosis.
One thing people get wrong is thinking everyone w/(c) PTSD isolate themselves, but If the person was isolated during the trauma they will probably go wild after they escape the trauma... Again avoid anything that reminds them of the trauma.
And as far as them having cptsd I already asked if they had symptoms of PTSD and they had none. When it comes down to it (C)PTSD is PTSD with added diagnoses... You have the symptoms of PTSD with other symptoms that PTSD alone doesn't fully cover.
Someone with cptsd doesn't manipulate people to get what they want, and they don't change their taste in music and their morals based on the company that surrounds them, because they are afraid to be alone.
I don't agree with just because a person is a people pleaser they will do harmful things to please someone.. I think that was said in the video if I'm remembering correctly.
The reason a person jumps from one bad relationship to the next has nothing to do with being empathetic or having cptsd... Try BPD and/or codependency.
@@destroyraiden Totally agree with you.
This video is so concise and SO utterly on point…..Thank you so much Mr Vaknin
I took a 2 year break from dating at 23 to re evaluate myself and im glad I did
You are surprisingly wise for your age. The choices you make in your early 20s seem to determine where you end up in life.
@@marybell2002 thank you
I had to watch this one two times in a row… 👀
The last 2 minutes. I needed that today! Thank you for this. They know not what they do… we just have to move on and save ourselves.
Damn Sam, didn’t have to call us out like that 👀
Lol
I know that I am a weak person, and I know that I am too often listen to others because of anxiety. I also know that I have hurt others with this behavior. It is a terrible feeling, to be toxic towards other people that you care about. Nobody wants to be evil. Is there a cure for toxic weakness?
Lack of self awareness is the true sickness... in my opinion. Awareness allows space for healthier choices and change. Cultivating boundaries protects our relationships because they protect everyone involved. Learning to be honest in the face of rejection is VERY BRAVE. It takes great strength to face one's own demons. Especially if we grew up in homes where to be authentic, honest and imperfect meant to be emotionally and mentally thrown out into the cold. As people, we want to belong. We want to be loved. Personally, I would not lay down my sense of morality, my mind, my values, my beliefs in the name of belonging and "love" from narcisstic abusers. THIS and this alone is what lead to the discard. To be a subservient, enabler is to live in a false, simulated, twisted bliss with the narcissist. If we can take personal responsibility in the role we play in our dysfunction and abuse... this is the way out. This is the road to health, healing, life and love in its truest form. These are my beliefs and my opinions. Just wanted to add a positive note as this was an extremely insightful and simultaneously rather dismal lecture. Again, I reiterate, these are my personal beliefs and opinions.
Therapy can help Lano
Rise up!
"You are under no obligation to sacrifice yourself."
I will be saving and sharing this video. This...was amazing. I really don't like being around "weak" people. But I've been wondering lately if that made me "uppity". Like I'm the one with the problem that needs to be fixed. This video just helped put it all in perspective.
Ty Sam. I’ll keep listening to this superb advice
The concluding advice was really helpful. Thank you.
Thanks Sam, that's all I needed to know, clarity and confirmation of the need to get away as soon as I can, you are absolutely spot on, like a best friends advice. Thanks
In today’s world. Almost Everyone I know fits into this definition.
Thank You 🌸
This was a very good topic, tomarrow is 9 weeks NO CONTACT, as I am going through this phase, I am still learning how to deal with everything I went through. Thanks for your perspective!
Thank you for this video. It helped.
Omg.. sounds like my dad. A people pleaser to my mother..who is a full blown abusive narcissist.
I HAVE THE SAME EXACT SITUATION!
Thanks for the advice … WALK AWAY !!
Thank you. Superbly explained.
Thank you Dr. Vaknin❤❤
As usual, this is an amazing lecture. Full of truth!
This is my ex husband. On the surface, he seemed extremely kind and giving. However, he never said no to anyone and would actively find ways to sabotage himself. He said on more than one occasion he 'couldn't do anything for himself' but he could do almost anything for others, especially me. This was until a change happened and all of a sudden, he became angry and like a totally different person. He then did the 'discard' thing, treated me like I was worthless, took away almost everything, and of course, started sleeping with a much younger woman. He's now repeating the same type of over-giver/subservient thing with someone else. After years of trying to figure out what happened ( the switch in personality was so scary), I believe he's some form of a covert narcissist. He takes on the personality of the person he's with so what he was like with me is totally gone. He's not paying giving all his money to his GF and her extended family and hasn't sent any child support. He also put all of my things in a storage unit he never paid for.
Thank you I got it at right time.
Look at the last 24months. All I see is weak people.
I am not weak. I am too nice,i think.
Always like to see the good in others.
There's no power in saying yes.
Whewww I NEEDED THIS.......YESSSSSS
Wonderfully wise - much respect Sir
So many truth bombs here.
This is something similar I understood myself when figured out what is evil.
Wow, I have just got rid of someone who was the weak link and the enabler to all the narcissists in my life. Thank you Professor.
Thanks Sam.
Thanks, Sam.
Sad truth nobody is home house to let that's deep it make sense thanks Prof 🙏🏽
As usual super super true!!!!
I like how you put everything my life situations and the way i thought about it into a concise video. I need to be more confident in myself. I already knew. A people pleaser is nobodies friend.
Very good.
Thank you for this one Professor. You are appreciated.
Thank you..❤️🙏🙏🇱🇹✌️
Best one I seen yet😊
You are describing mu husband , I have been living with him for thirty seven years ..He is like a seven year old boy ...I can't do anything since we have two sons ..
Thank you
Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.
Very interesting. I'm a new subscriber for sure! Thank you.
Thank you doctor
I don’t loathe myself. However, I do often question how valiant my efforts are, but I don’t cheat or lie. Eccentric, self doubting, cynical, untrusting, imaginative, scathing when the buttons are pushed just right. And a licensed counselor treating the mentally ill. I have no qualms identifying with the more sinister parts of self that always seem just two steps away from “jumping”. I feel quite composed, resilient, loving, and adaptable. But I’ve been told I give too much of myself which has always felt more natural to me.
Is it possible, that I am switching between these 2 roles and not only one?Sometimes I'm a weak person and I feel like a victim and I probably send signals to my surroundings that I need to be rescued, but at the same time I often get into the position of savior and neither of them are not really healthy. Can't it have something to do with switching the role of father / child in relationships?
Hopefully this gets addressed, because I have a very similar question.
I should not be answering this but you made me think of another question... aren't we maybe a bit exaggerating?
I mean we are here in life for the experience of it!
And so we do go through faces and are discovering and rediscovering our self and the life itself through our experiences and our relationships with others but also with the relationship with our self... And so we do get to feel all kind of things .
And especially in todays situation of society allot of us have not adequate possibility of real and honest relationships face to face .
Ofcourse it is important to question things and this is definitely a very good place for that!
I'm just thinking that it might be actually normal to feel in our life lonely and in "need" of attention, of love and of being saved, helped and supported. To have somebody around us to care!
And at another moment it may be "normal " to feel empowered and strong ourselves and to have the courage and the "need" to be the savior to another. Especially remembering our situation when we wished for support and there was none. Or the people that where surrounding us did not understand...
I'm seeing all this as normal human steps in life to a surtain point.
☀️🌹🌳🌍🚀🥰
Greetings and love from Greece, Tania.
look into the roles YOU play in the drama-game from the drama triangle by Karpman. I think this concept is a great starter for healing
Very true. The advice is good. If those weak people want help, what type of therapy should they get. I've got an X boss who could use this advice.
I luv Sam's bluntness legendary
I've let this toxic relationship go on way too long ... paying the full price now ...😬😔
Now I know I'm not a poeple pleaser. Thanks.
Let's see.
I have picked up Philosophy and Psychology because I lack something in me, I never realy fitted in I don't use alcohol, weed or drugs I manly use my phone I go outside I work alot I'm 21 never had a girlfriend not because I can't I don't think I'm ready for one. I know I don't have real friends l, more like many aqaintences, I'm fit and I'm trying to become my best self.
But sometimes I feel weak and sometimes my anxiety seems to change in ocd and the the ocd changes or goes away. Firts started with clean room the light switches on and of usually a positive number. I'm more confident now so it doesn't bother me much and I do feel better now and more confident in myself.
Life can be so hard, especially for a young person like yourself. But it sounds like you are writing to build a better life! Just keep working on it, and you’ll achieve great improvements. Sending you my best wishes! 💖
@@tatusha thank you so much I wish best wishes for you to.
I confess my dear professor Sam Vagnin... I'm addicted to listening to you... But the good thing is that my daily life has changed alot and is still changing, being regulated... what am I going to do when I want need you anymore hihihi 🚀🌍🌳🌹☀️
If can only be your apprentice your an amazing professor
Obvious, "don't be nice, be true'
Good video
You are describing my mother
Does your opinion of “staying away” change If I have minor kids with such a person and I have been married for more than 20 years
Hi Sam - Can you please take the position , speak from role as a parent - when mental illnesses emerge - there are responsibilities, grief for sure with letting old person go and loving( practising love) for emerging new person - whatever new situation brings . As caregivers - walking away not an option when the 1 in 100 event of psychosis presents
Minnie, hung out with mugs! She's hot 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My old mother lives with my sister. For providing this "servive", my sister expects me to pay money to her. Truth is, I don't mind contributing towards expenses but I feel that my sister takes advantage of this situation, and expects more than necessary. This time I asked her to share bank statements to prove the expenditure. My sister has gone silent, and I am feeling UNBELIEVABLY guilty and ashamed. Have I done wrong? Why am I feeling so bad. What is wrong with me?
@@BrendaBaBoom thank you
Or she feels like she doesn't want to prove herself to you. Honestly idk
@@yasmino6387 yes you might be right, probably she doesn't want to prove herself to me, that means she has pride and ego, which is better, rather than my sister actually conning me for money which will be really sad if true.
Nothing is wrong with you dear!! You have every right to make sure the money is going to the well being of your mother and not something else. Your sisters" silence" speaks volumes, just listen, good for you for putting your foot down and stop feeling guilty, you did nothing wrong 🤗
@@suegoldfild8990 thanks, will look into IFS
I would be interested in knowing if a person can display both covert bpd and normal bpd. Or possibly what the most defining characteristic that separates the two is
My ex narc lives next door.... He is always comming back also if i block him everywhere. No contact is not working for him.... he always finds a way. I decide he can be in my life but only see me doing great on my own..... He thinks he need to save me.....and i dont know what he is..... I have no fear for him i see him without the mask.....i see a little boy in a body of a 62 old man..... Your telling is helping a lot :-) he now nows my boundaries and if mistreat me ever again he is kicked out.
Hard to hear it, but it's the true. And more important: they don't get better, they never will. Appearances can be deceive.
How associate without disassociate from people that I do love?
How do you detach from these people when kids are involved?
Exactly my question and when you know the custody will probably go to them too since thats how “America” works
Why why why can't people just respect each other?
Yes proff.
And here I was thinking it was me the WEAK 1...
#MINDSET
Good advise , get out while you still have some of your sanity....from someone who has been there .
accurate
wow..same thing happening since very long
Hahaha about the mug!!
Dr sam what can i do if the weak is my mather?
Are narcissists always aggressive?
I will agree with you Brigitte... and I ad only that if they are covered ,as long you are hypnotized living happily with them in your common dream life. And as long you are doing your best to find solutions in "your common " problems... All is fine and dandy...And if they manage to make you loose your self respect and self love than you start to "be aggresive " inwardly to your self because you believe that YOU are the problem and the one that is Keeping him back in his life...and so on , and so on, and so on....
And indeed at the end when you figure out the dilution you have been living in and you start to climb out of the dark pit...than you will see for real agretion to kick you back in, to throw mud on your face and... nobody believes you, sometimes even your own mother not.
So there is only one way to handle this, simple and fast... very quiet, collect your belongings, your important papers and all that belongs to you. Send them out of the house without any conversation...and empty handedly walk out the door and never look back.
If people criticize you for this don't even answer... let them check this person for themselves out.
That simple...
But if you have children than...I'd say...ask professor Vagnin.
Thank you for the opportunity for thinking this through again.
Love and Greetings from Greece, Tania
Very good talk about communists!
I keep thinking of Kevin Trudeau watching this video.
The driving force behind all of these weak characters is cowardice and self-pity. People pleasers/enablers always tend to feel sorry for or express pity over others, children, and even animals. But it is a ruse. The depth of your pity and feeling sorry for others is always inversely correlated to how much you feel sorry for yourself.
Prof. Sam vaknin. What about schizophrenic people? Do the same apply for them? Don't we have a moral obligation to help them?
Great insight as always! Prof. Vaknin I wonder what is your personal experience with homeless people in Israel? In my experience -not Israel- most homeless people I encouter act very defiant, and when asked always blame someone else for their situation, even though they refuse any kind of serious help like going to the government shelters and recieving food, medical and psychological attention, etc. They always go back to the street and seems to enjoy their total freedom and harassing others to give them food, money, everything... Watching some amateur documentarists interviewing homeless youths in America I get a strong impression that there is something very wrong with their minds, and that trying to help them is just a waste of our hard earned resources. Even Ray Holland after interviewing many of them just states that these people are just 'unhelpable' , and that opinion coming from a humanist-left-leaning-californian is pretty harrowing...
Hmmm will look up Ray Holland. I'm not a professional of course, but I've always questioned the disease model of addiction and alcoholism. I think it applies sometimes, but not others. I'll have to research that too.
A lot of homeless people have substance abuse disorder. I believe they should still be given a second chance at life. A lot of them aren't mentally ill. They're just a product of their environment. And sometimes it takes a lot of time for someone to break that social conditioning.
My mom spanked me whenever I said no to her. I never really said no to her and then she died when I was 19. My mom acted like I was unworthy of love.
She was wrong of course♥️
Are you talking about a narcissist or a co dependent