Avoid Mentally Ill: No Families, Relationships
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 มิ.ย. 2024
- Grandiose, unscrupulous, and unethical therapists cater to the mentally ill and disabled person’s most ardent and fervent wish: to be normal. It is like a medical doctor promising a quadriplegic that she would be able to run again.
Truth is: the mentally ill should be sequestered and discouraged from seeking normalcy. They should not have relationships, get married, bear children, have families, gain access to certain institutions.
Some high functioning patients compartmentalize their mental illness: an accomplished professional by day prostitutes herself intoxicated by night; a beloved medical doctor turns pedophile after working hours; a respected politician burgles homes by moonlight.
Their mental illness functions like a pressure valve, a dysregulated and unboundaried release of anxiety, depression, antisocial impulses and other derangements.
Forgive these people, don’t rage or mourn what could have been. Don’t let their accomplishments and standing in society mislead you: there is nobody home, they know not what they are doing, they are spiralling out of control, threatening to take you with them.
Do not try to make sense of the choices and actions of such poor miscreants and misfits - for there is none. Just move on with your life and forget them.
Remember: you are under no obligation to sacrifice yourself and to love the mentally ill. Your remote sympathy and pity are sufficient offerings.
Safeguard your life and sanity, stay away, and remove such people from your life posthaste, regardless of how agonizing such a breakup may be to you. No contact.
Do not be a rescuer or savior or fixer - lest you end up being in need of rescuing, saving, and fixing.
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Shipman called himself SHIPLEY when he murdered his patients, I should have made that clear: murderpedia.org/male.S/images/shipman-harold/reports/shipman-clinical-practice.pdf
But his real name was SHIPMAN, not SHIPLEY en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Shipman
Prof. Vaknin,
Please excuse the novice nature of my question. In regard to Shipman, by him referring to himself as Shipley when he was committing murder, would this be viewed as him being in a dissociative state.
Or, would it/could it, be viewed as DID?
From my novice understanding, I'm aware that DID, (if the new DSM is still recognizing this as such, if not, I'm referring to this d/o as when it was listed as a "disorder," in older versions of the DSM), is considered to be quite rare.
However, I'm curious to know what the criteria are to distinguish a temporary "state," vs a "disorder," and if the atrocity of acts committed during either, (such as what "Shipley," did), assists in rendering a differential diagnosis, (officially), or assists in subjectively making a deferential theory.
However, I also realize one's actions, (irregardless of their sinister magnitude), could also be classified as moot points as they could be viewed as collateral damage in relation to the underpinnings of the person's rational, (or lack thereof), as to why they performed such an act? Ie; a BPD and a NPD performing similar malicious acts, (due to being "kissing cousin's," of the cluster B family), however with differening "rationale," (I use that term very loosely), as to why they did what they did, and with differening hopes on the outcome(s), as well as responses to the outcome(s), but with all the aforementioned being grossly similar, (ie; destruction via distruption and analyzing their quality of new supply, however with the BPD needing "a savior," in their love bombing stage vs the NPD's need of adulation, during the same stage).
I have cat and my art that's ok.Im avere for long time that Im not gona live "normal"life .
@@ggram0551 I think he was trying to conceal his tracks. More like a grandiose primary psychopath.
@@samvaknin
Thank you for the response and clarification.
@@GODHATESADOPTION Yes, the same thought occurred to me when I was watching this.
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone” -- Robin Williams.
Brilliant
One of my favorite actors.
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
Jiddu Krishnamurti
So true
..citing Erich Fromm
@@svensebastian2712 I tried to find out if Krishnamurti was citing Fromm, but the quote keeps coming back as Jiddu's? Nonetheless, here's a Fromm quote that seems apropos for the time. "The danger of the past was that men (sic) became slaves. The danger of the future is that men may become robots". 'The Sane Society'.
Very true.
I knew from a very early age that I was hated by my older siblings due to jealousy. They were not kind to me nor did they interact with me in a positive way. I could not understand what I had done to deserve this treatment and as a result I was a lonely person. After my mom died, I severed all ties with them and I am learning to live my life in peace and have several real sisters that are not genetically linked with me however, I am loved by them and I return their love. I have fought mental illness all my life, mainly depression, but I am feeling well at the moment. I have learned to be strong.
Some relations are thicker than blood
You're amazing! 🎉❤🤟
It took me over 50 years to understand the scapegoat position I held in my family. So much confusion in my head for so many years. I am in the grieving stage now but I feel free. Blessed.
@@melanie4926 You are not alone. There are hundreds of us "scapegoats" walking on this planet and once you make the decision to look after yourself first, you will be free. Leave the bullies to find someone else to pick on. You are beautiful and deserve love!
@@flowergrower1247 no contact was the best decision I could have made. Life is getting better each day.
I dont think theres anything wrong with certain non malignant disorders like anxiety or autism spectrum disorder from seeking relationships, especially with each other. Nobody is perfect after all. And the current normal is nothing to be proud of anyways.
I agree fully.
@@samvaknin Thank god, Sam. I mean, you scared me a bit here. I was misdiagnosed as having GAD at the age of 17 until I finally got fed up with not much progress with therapy. I finally decided to do a full clinical psychologist 2-day assessment, which came out with ADHD and ASD, at the age of 43. I'm 43 now. So, I have friends who love and care for me. I hurt nobody, and I respect my friends and partners. I am seeing a clinical psychologist who treats ADHD, ASD; and borderline. Simply because I just spent 3 months engulfed in the most horrific relationship of my life; a petulant borderline. I was smart enough to get out quickly after I spotted the borderline traits, which I knew nothing of before. She did some serious damage accidentally in that short period. I do feel that she should have been institutionalized back when she was 16 when she took to the streets. She just simply causes excruciating pain in people she engages with. This is more what you are talking about?
I had a friend, rip, who had a phd in behavioral psychology. He was in the Nazi concentration camp early on and his family bought his way out. He got to the USA and then went back to fight the Nazi's and liberate the camp he had been imprisioned at. He said all psychology and academics is BS. People go into psych bc it is an easy soft field to get into w/o having to really challenge themselves. Psych is a pseudoscience. Your right when you say most problems in the health field have no solution. I have met many ppl who have had one or more back surgeries w/o any success. I come from a messed up family--- genetic, environment, psych trauma, alcoholic narcissistic gaslighting father who drove my overwrought and overworked mother of nine insane. My son in law has a personality disorder. I got involved and almost ended up needing to be rescued, fixed and saved myself. Finally I came to the same advice you give---forgive them, acknowledge to yourself they are sick, and stay away from them for your own well being. Thank you for telling the truth.
There is no way I’d rather start the day than with a 23-minute no-BS Professor Vaknin rant. Thank you!
"The truth will set you free". Live your life the best you can, be kind and do good. May God help us all. Have a good day!
It's amazing how you said that therapy only works on healthy people. People only change if they want to, and if a mentally ill person doesn't want to change...
You'd think therapy is for the ill yet only healthy people are aware of their need to change and are willing to do so. Therapy for the healthy - ha!
The problem is that mentally ill people are often forced into society because there is so little support. We often cannot withdraw because we need to get money somehow to pay for basic needs. Also- mentally ill people are more likely to be victims than perpetrators. A lot of mental Illness stems from being a victim of some sort of traumatic event or stressors beyond their control.
Exactly! And we are thrown into the pool of they that prey on us, especially CPST on Autism spectrum.
My husband and family hurt me for 54 years
True 😢
@@deepachaudhury4336 I am so sorry. Sending you lots of love dear. It's time to choose ourselves for once. We carried a hell of a lot burdens, guilt, pain and still do. While trying to manage all life's resposibilities. Feeling like a failieur BC it's too much. See this message as a sign that you deserve to have room to breathe. And to work on yourself + what you are good at. NOBODY can decide for you or me, if healing is possible. What healing means for you, can mean something totally different for me. I know 1 thing though, we made it through the valley of darkness and we are still standing. We are STRONGER and FASTER and WISER and...... have a LOT TO GIVE & DO here on earth. We, the survivors, have the power we earned, THE COMEBACK POWER AND THE POWER TO DECIDE FOR OURSELVES. You deserve love and every day you are healing yourself. NEVER FORGET THAT.
"Never allow Some body elses opinion of YOU, to become your reality " Think for yourself. 💯🙏❤🌟
They send them to AA.
Wow, thankyou Prof Vaknin, you have just validated me after finally ending my relationship with a very mentally unstable partner who I tried to fix, save, repeatedly forgive, understand, beg to go for therapy, all the while being on the receiving end of his abuse and projection. I gave up after the last psychotic episode and before I myself was damaged beyond repair. The partners and loved ones of the mentally ill are frequently overlooked and are often washed away in the nightmare floods of the mentally ill partners chaotic emotions xx
I’m glad you got out.
You cannot fix these people. Don’t think of their potential it was never a thing that could of been realised. They don’t see love and relationships like adults. Their minds do not and will not ever function in a way that allows them to have healthy adult relationships.
Learn to love yourself and learn to not get involved with people like this again
Thanks James. All the best.
@Archangel 777 so true, the ripple effect isn't a ripple, it's a Tsunami, especially for ppl that are dealing with their own lower level disorders like me. Take care of yourself.
I’m dealing with it now. Trying to figure out the best way to get out of the relationship
@@revertdreThe right answer is as carefully as you can and as fast as you can and preferably with assistance from DV specialists to avoid potential revenge risks.
This is so true - thank u Sam for being so honest.
I was with my ex narcissist for 5 years and I was very happy before i met him.
Thought I had met the guy I would spend the rest of my life with.
I am no longer myself. I suffer from anxiety, sleep problems and I seem like I lost myself due to the abuse, manipulation, projection, lies, triangulation, future faking, push pull, verbal abuse, sexual exploitation, porn addiction, weed and alcohol addiction.
The betrayal and destruction of my spirit from this mentally ill man has changed me forever.
They cannot and will never be normal - they will continue to hurt others for the rest of their days.
They are all out there and lurking on date sites - I will stay alone until I heal. I don’t want another relationship.
I am on the same page you are. No relationships until I have given enough love to myself to the point I am healed.
I promise you God will heal u in your reach out to Him. I experienced a similar situation and can promise as time goes on it gets better.
Take responsibility for yourself. As a free person no one has to be in such a relationship (except you really are locked).
@@alias701 I see what u mean but these people put up a front for who they are. You can blame a vicim for falling into a trap.
I have told my mother, bluntly, through the years, that she should have not had children. She did more of a disservice to us, than good. My sister turned out a covert borderline, and us other children (adults) have struggled in other ways, to find our way in the world with her as our highly malignant narcissistic/psychotic mother. So sad that kids are subjected to these kinds of upbringings.
I hope you get the therapy you need. Took me years to get to a point where I was at peace. Deemzz is where it started for me...not the same for everyone though good luck ✌
@@bertnorticus1662 thanks. The first step was finding out and realizing that she wasn’t just a “mean mom.” Growing up we couldn’t figure out why our mom was so different from our friends’ moms. It wasn’t till adulthood that we discovered the depth of her illness. Was like being raised by Mommy Dearest’s evil twin. Then I had to accept that my sister developed her own illness/disorder because of it all. I’ve had to cut several people out of my life to get rid of as much toxicity as possible. But you still deal with the aftermath of the destruction they cause. Family or not…they have to go, in order to get peace. We need to take care of ourselves and take every step possible to not pass the damage or the traits, on to our own children. I became the opposite of everything my mother when it came to my kids. I had to break that cycle!!!
Blessings to you too 😊
@@Langolin1998 same here, she refused to speak to social workers and so on...but yeah you're right, cut anything toxic from your life, I had to recently cut a friend...better than falling out with him.
You've done so well, you should feel very proud of yourself. The cycle of abuse ends with me too. 😊❣
@@bertnorticus1662 thank you. And you are so correct. So sorry for your experiences too.
We all know life isn’t perfect, even raised by normal, loving parents. But disordered parent(s) can really take their toll on you and when you’re young, you don’t know what to and not much you can do. By the time you’re grown, so much damage has already been done…years of turmoil behind you. My ex was a covert narc and abandoned four children. The lies he told regarding that were ridiculous, now that I’m out and away. But they’ll have you believing their stories in the beginning, until everything else about their lives don’t add up or make sense. Insidious, draining and every evil…people!!! Knowledge is strength 💪
@@Langolin1998 💪 fuck covert narcissists...we know things people shouldn't, thank you for sharing.
when my BPD husband and I split up 2 weeks ago, he said, "I think I should be alone". In my grief of us splitting up after 14 years of roller coaster behavior, I couldn't understand why he would say that. This video made me realize he may be right. The poor impulse control, the anger and all that goes along with BPD I now see he may be right. Sad very sad....
I had a couples therapist diagnose my ex husband as “anti social personality disorder” and worked with us every two weeks for many years. Recommended we have another baby bc that is a a “project” like the other two babies that we worked together as a team. I could have been out and safe a decade earlier if I had received a second opinion earlier. The new one told to take the first bridge out, she didn’t care how just when. Immediately. She even collaborated with an attorney to help him understand he was a sociopath and more than capable of pedophilia and referred ny children to the sexual abuse council while we were still married. I did file 6 months later.
Sadly, she had missed he was sexually abusing our child for years while working on “conflict management” in sessions and giving me tools to take separate cars to social events due to his “ episodic “alcoholism. She admitted he lied like he could breath, even when it was useless to lie just for fun, “clandestine” and manipulative BUT he was a “great provider”and a “family man.”
It was devastating. I told her later what she had missed and enabled. She said he was good at “duping” others. Now there’s an adult child who is successful professionally but struggles severely daily with a history of repetitive, long term sexual abuse in his own bedroom. I am bot sure he should ever marry or have children yet he’s a very good and kind person. She thought the reason my husband slept with his child, then 5 years old until 11 years old, was because he was possibly repressed homosexual or bisexual and preferred to sleep next to a male and it was comforting for him. He married me because I would be a good mother., as uou me times, he was a respected doctor who was a sexual abuser. She either followed the money trail for frequent sessions for years or was impressed by his charm, sacrificing the lives of children. She always commented on his charm and charisma. I was able to get out before the younger two were sexually abused overtly and long term . I vetted therapists for my destroyed child recognizing the facts you stated in this video.. I even told her my young child told me about dreams of “daddy rubbing his pee pee” She said that she didn’t think my husband was capable of sexual abuse. I believed her. The second opinion met with him. She stated if there’s not significant improvement then 6 sessions are her limit. She was mortified by the amount of sessions we had gone to together and she even had me come separately since I was the most dissatisfied in marriage and had a sexless marriage. She’s meet and bill us twice a week or couple and individual. Her answer to him having no interest in sex with me was to suggest an open marriage so I could get my “needs met”. She said I was very attractive and capable of getting needs met outside the marriage with an agreement .” He agreed. She asked if he was gay and his reply was “not that I’m aware of.”
The issue was her ability to keep us in the books for many years with glaring problems and anti social personally disorder. Back then, I didn’t have Sam Vaknin or any internet resources. I did read books towards the end when my instincts finally emerged and I felt like I needed information and maybe a second opinion. Thank you for making this loud and clear. I hope it brings awareness to others and prevents damage and fraud.
That child will suffer. Help the child now
Your story plus Sam's point of view freeze the blood. How can a psychologist be so blind and irresponsible. God bless you and your kids
They make a good bunch of money and don't care whether they're capable of helping you. With complex problems with a complex disturbed toxic partner/ hubby; you need to find an exceptional qualified and wise therapist.
I've never been able to find one!
Except videos like Sam Vaknin that explains everything we should have known for fort + years.
How different our choices would have been !
Now we can only pray to minimize the damage done to our children.
Going to couples therapy with a psychopath will kill you. It gives them more fuel.
@Nature of course! The 2nd child we aligned with homebirth and she thought it was a “project” we did well together. She literally suggested we have a 3rd. She also recommend the “ungame.” It’s a card game for couples and families. Yet she was okay with him being “clandestine and a man unto his own island” liar, “episodic alcoholic”, she was not opposed to his self medication with prescriptions or daily marijuana use (he was a surgeon) as that was a moral difference issue. She thought he was getting his needs met outside the marriage and might be bisexual or gay. Then in next breath, you two works together on the baby common interest.
I gave her what I call the exit interview. She said “well I think your husband is a sociopath.” Back then, very little was written about it (2002 to 2006). She was liberal and later I realized specializes in gender and sexual identity. Even so sympathetic toward a man who sleeps next his son? Suggests pregnancy to a lying, questionably bi or gay, substance user? When I confronted her she decided he was an opportunist who did whatever pleased him despite the Riggs or feelings of others. Whatever was pleasurable at the moment: man woman or child.
It’s funny, everything Vaknin says about narcissism has applied to me, I realized a few years ago that I destroy anything that comes close to me, to save myself and others I isolated myself, I cut all relationships to most people and don’t get close to anyone so I can’t hurt them. It’s like my personality was a cancer and me getting into new relationships is like me spreading the cancer to the world, so I isolated and became cold, really, because I care about people, I don’t want to hurt or manipulate anyone anymore, so I chose not to get close to anyone. I became very stoic, and have been working on myself for a while… but thank you for confirming my life choices and reasonings, you’ve been helpful throughout my life, Vaknin.
Prof. Sam Vaknin thank you for your honesty with this topic. We all need this kind of truth! Thank you
You are one of the rare exceptions: a therapist who is both helpful and honest about the realistic limitations of therapy.
Thank you both.
Whatever "normal" means. We're all nuts.
Not true
I am severely ill mentally. I am also good artist. Thank you for helping me SO much with this video.
Hi. What kind of art do you like? Painting, music or something else?
I have 3 yrs listing and Sam has never been more accurate out of hundreds of accuracies. As a covert narcissist, it pains me to become self aware over and over again. He was the one who first opened my eyes and got me to therapy.
harsh but i see your point and it feels very sobering and liberating actually. my life is being destroyed by this dream of being normal. im not investing in my talents because of it.
im autistic by the way. it's not a mental illness per se, but it's something i can't change. all my cousins are autistic as well.
Same. Harsh, but necessary.
Thank you so much, Sam sensei. Sometimes the pain of being no contact feels just as painful as being with them but your body knows it has to be this way, to stay away for homeostasis. And if we go back, as their successful social standing can be a palatable way to deceive ourselves then we have learned nothing of this life lesson. The need for us to sometimes put ourselves first for the sake of sustaining and preserving our own health, sanity and humanity, even if we love them.
Most of the population then 🤣
yep....
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@Nature most of are traumatized.
Which is why we have to have compassion with ourselves and others.
The system profits off of dysfunctional people
Educating parents about how important the 6 first years are....could prevent much.....
I really really want that to happen. Parenting is so poor in Indian households, it scares me.
My therapist was one of the few good ones. He told me in my third year of seeing him that because of my trauma my identity will never be clear. I will never have a clear idea of who I am. I can stop looking for part of me I lost as a toddler.
What kind of trauma did you go through if you don’t mind me asking? Because I’m soul searching now and I cannot find answers
U need Jesus , In Him we are found !
@@joolzali4209 My babysitters father was closet pedophile. He raped all the boys under his daughters care. I left my body during this experience and only about 70% of my sense of self came back.
Wow, that is actually a very helpful nugget.
Unfortunately it wouldn't be the narcissist who goes to therapy to hear this anyway, it will be the person with anxiety who might be pretty harmless. I wonder why mandatory mental health screenings aren't a thing for certain professions
There are many people in this world, in which true values are being reversed, who are quite mentally ill but not diagnosed... Not only they are not diagnosed but they are up in high positions of power, assessing other's mental health. Is it right for these people to diagnose others and contribute to the isolation that you suggest?
Moreover, there are so many crazy things that happen in this world, things that go against the laws of our Creator, and yet they are considered normal by the majority of people...
This ♥️
Oh my goodness I so agree with you 100% This is the reason I have left many relationships but you have verbalized and communicated this so well. They should not be in marriages or another intimate relationships, being on the receiving end is heartbreaking and confusing.
Thank you for this video Professor Vaknin. Watching your content lead me to taking actions from developing relationships with unhealthy people I live with in a homeless shelter but also with women I dated that were narcissists and even my own family. Its been painful for months having to accept this but I've always known this and it's that psychology can't fix the worst of mental health as it is but what it has available makes a huge difference through how you teach it and if I can mitigate my anxiety somehow by how I think temporarily it helps tremendously. Not only did I realize from what you teach that if I'm still capable of making choices they would be revolved on how I choose to live the rest of my life. Now the future rests in me accepting that for my health and for the health of others that superficial interactions with people are probably the only thing I'm capable of having. My parents are twice my age and are in a shared fantasy and I lived in it my whole life. For me to try to take them out of that delusion would be abuse itself. It took my ex narcissist to abuse me with truth to push me to see what was behind my own delusions and since then many of those delusions that held my repressed pain haven't been able to come back. I can't say I'm better but accepting what's in reality is far better for a healthier future than rejecting reality.
I’m only halfway through your video and I understand, I get it. Still, I’m thankful I’ve had the guidance from two specific professionals who helped me over many years how to cope, understand myself, care for myself and make realistic adjustments accordingly: not being so emotionally invested when I shoot for the stars yet learning how to push myself when I’m believing the worst. And I’ve learned the food, exercise and mindset can have a tremendous effect on mood disorders, i.e. I don’t believe everything I think or feel. Lastly, even a small amount of alcohol can be devastating to someone like myself. And for some of us, that’s only the beginning;-)
Absolutely! I never thought about my depression and anxiety that way before. I have always wanted a cure but now realize that it is a condition that I have to live with and manage. Thank you Dr. Vakin
Vaknin
Juanita, Vaknin is a convicted fraudster with no experience of clinical practice. Please do not believe what this man says. With self love, study and dicipline, depression and anxiety are most certainly treatable! Try the channel of Andrew Huberman if you want quality advice! x
LOVE THIS VIDEO! YESSSSSS! I have three friends who are therapist and the exnars current partner is a therapist. They all live with narcissists while they are supposed to be counselling couples on how to have a great relationship. Makes me angry and amused at the same time. I love that you say that personality disorders are mental illnesses. I have always thought that!
Thanks for giving it to us the way it is Sam ! That why I appreciate this channel so much . Your work helps me and people understand things that are so criptic and complicated . So a big thanks for your amazing work .
💯 You are almost always totally on the money Sam. I have so much respect for people who choose to remain childless or single. They know themselves well.
Here I would like to be a bit more somewhat careful about topics like 'isolating' - who will do the diagnosis, who will measure - who will decide that someone should be isolated, and how much isolated.
I agree for serious cases, but what about ones on the middle part of spectrum ... how should we deal with that.
I have had some experiences with unhinged people, it can be very exhausting and traumatising, thus I much prefer staying with sane naturally.
Being surrounded with sane people can be somewhat healing, provided that the sane people are emotionally and rationally intelligent and aware of the issues, and have enough resources and patience to deal with occasional weirdo.
I am talking about self-isolation and about the need to avoid mentally ill people in daily life - not about mental asylums and concentration camps.
That was absolutely brutal. Especially for one who has both an Axis and an Axis II. Please sir...keep it coming.
You're the best at explaining in layman's terms and the reality of being involved with the mentally ill. There will never be another Prof. Sam Vaknin. Thank you so much for all your informative videos on the lives of the mentally ill no matter how utterly devastating, all you speak is too true, sadly enough perhaps. You are a wealth of education to us all. We are the fortunate ones.
One of your best. Thank you Sam.
I've been following you for many years.
“There's no normal life Wyatt,
It's just life.
Get on with it.” - Val Kilmor, Tombstone
Thank you Sam, thank you for this video. Honesty is a scarce commodity in todays hysterically positive world, and despite knowing how much shit you are going to get for this video, I value you and your honesty. And thank you for your kind words when we met in Bratislava.
I want to thank you for this. Fr. I had the worst episode of my life today. And I said how I really felt. I was sad and that my dreams were dying. I don’t have a mom or dad at all. And I was screaming about it till the point of the police coming. By the time they came I was just chillin crying with no sound and I asked them to leave I just need ten minutes to recollect and proccess. They gave me my ten minutes and I took the bus home. I was so stuck on the family dynamic that I’ll never have. I’m glad you said the hurtful things I needed to hear, because I was tired of the therapy fixes you, I’ve been in therapy since I was 6, and everything you said here I’m going to apply it to my life. I need to focus on what I’m good at. Thankyou. And I’ll keep my episodes at night or go to the escape room if my anger is to powerful. *for those who want to know, escapes rooms have destruction rooms, that are safe for everyone, it’s 30-50$ but it’s worth it to have a safe space to be angry and break things without breaking the law, or hurting others. You just have to schedule ahead of time.
Is it mental illness or just not fitting in a sick society? Maybe it’s mental strength 😜
This is also my question. I hope the Dr. can consider this in the future. In the same way he mentioned the idiot American idea of curing all illness, there is a lot of mental illnesses that are only mental illnesses in North America, Eastern and Western Europe, Australia, and Israel for instance, but not in South East Asia, Africa, South America, and the Middle East. The reason being how different the way of life is in these areas. The concept of stress, anxiety, and triggers, for instance, manifest much differently in group A than in group B.
I am curious to hear what you would say to those of us who grew up with a mentally ill family member. Is the illness or disorder “contagious?” The after effects of growing up with the scars and fears developed from growing up with a mentally ill sibling, in my case, have hobbled my attempts at a decent life as well. I married a partner who was mentally ill, although quite devious in keeping it from view for the first years of our marriage. I’m old, my family is gone, my spouse is too, the echoes are fainter but lasting. I’m glad I cannot have children.
Was it a brother or a sister, John? I'm 30 years old and I think I'm permanently fucked up by having a fucked up sibling
@@user-yi1zz5kw2i My ex made fun of my spirituality so I’m enjoying returning to my daily prayer and meditation routines. A return to peace.
I fitted the criteria perfectly for BPD as a young woman. My life was hell and I made it hell for others around me, including 2 husbands. Today at 54 I appear to have outgrown all of the traits. I’m calm, level, no splitting and certainly no self harming. No drugs or alcohol. I no longer fear abandonment (it used to terrify me) Seemingly “normal” Is it possible to outgrow BPD? Have I just learned better coping mechanisms? I don’t see myself as cured, but I do feel and act very different now I’m older. Do you come across this much? I haven’t had any therapy ever. Thanks Sam
Do your homework and search this channel. There is a playlist dedicated to BPD.
BPD can start remitting in the early 30's. Perhaps the brain heals itself over the course of time. Same with ASPD and men in their 40's. The latter was commonly observed in my work as a counselor in a prison.
@@wildhorses6817 Those factors would be welcome and may indeed be helpful, but I think we also need to look at the idea that all organisms have a built-in maturational goal, so to speak. I can't prove this, but I tend to think that sometimes when the primary developmental pathways are blocked for whatever reason, that the brain eventually finds another way, although what was supposed to occur early in life and take a few years instead happens later in life after a few decades. Kind of like having to take the side roads rather than the developmental interstate, so to speak. Admittedly however, as I said I can't prove this. Maybe someday (centuries form now per Prof. Sam?) someone will.
I wonder if hormones were the underlying cause of the BPD symptoms all along. I'm guessing at 54 you have gone through menopause.
@@19valleydan I have struggled with mental illness for most of my life and I've had so much therapy. I've been on medication for nearly 3 decades and the only way I have improved is by seemingly trying to grow up and mature so I think you might be on to something there. It made me very sad to watch this video because it made me feel like we should just kill ourselves and save the world a lot of trouble, but I have realized that others are not only harmed by a relationship with me, they also have benefited, because I have good days, too. When I have difficult days they have learned empathy and patience so I don't believe those of us with mental illness should be discarded or ostracized like this video made me feel but I feel we have our place in society just like handicapped people.
I heard someone say once if you have a handicapped child you should kill them at birth but I think there is a place for learning compassion and empathy with people who are less than perfect because not one of us is perfect, only Jesus. And I look to HIM day-by-day to walk in my healing.
Doctor Sam says we cannot recover, ever, but we can still grow and mature as people, and our symptoms can be reduced. When we focus on building ourselves up increasing our maturity and self responsibility step-by-step we can learn those lessons that we failed to learn in our childhoods being raised by our mentally ill parents, and our children, if we already had them (as in my case) can learn and mature as well and we can help them on that road because we've been there been there. So I disagree with the premise that we are people to be avoided at all costs I think that is a cold and clinical and cynical view, lacking a heart, lacking compassion and totally devoid of any hope.. When someone has a spiritual faith they can have a hope that is beyond what a doctor can conceive of or provide so I would say that is an avenue definitely worth exploring for anyone reading my comment here.
Mentally Ill people are toxic and they do not notice their own toxicity. Their complains and modus operandi are repetitive. I am very sensitive to them and normally I get headache after some hours in close contact. I do not like people that play games or are not direct. It sounds manipulative. To be at the presence of toxic people sucks. They drain energy. Maybe they are so victim as their victims.
Wow thanks for putting out this video... never stop spreading your insights and knowledge.
hi. I have long term mental health problems. even though it is hard, but I have chosen not to have kids or go into a relationship until I can manage properly in daily life - but realistically, that will never happen. it is sad that I never be 'normal' but I don't want to go into a toxic relationship or burden my issues on future children. I see many mentally ill people going into relationships, and so many relationships are toxic....or they put their toxic ways onto their children sadly. I agree with Sam here. it may sound like Sam has no empathy here but it's more cruel to burden your future children and relationship with your mental health issues. I'm learning to be independent and be alone and focus on improving myself first but taking on things.
I’ve developed health issues at a younger age and it’s made all my mental health issues 100 times
Worse … I was planning on having children but I’m not so sure anymore , and it has effected my marriage :( x
So much healing is done within relationships... you will meet the person you are meant to be with to undergo a period of healing. Please don't listen to this fraud - he knows nothing about life at all.
Brilliant !
THANK YOU for the confirmation.
I self isolated as a child to protect myself from the chaos that was my peers outside my immediate family. Then I self isolated to protect myself from the awkwardness of my social skills and the embarrassment that I or others would feel. Then I self isolated from a long depression stemming from family situations and my long isolation. Then I self isolated as I could find no joy or fulfillment in the outside world. At last I am asked to self isolate as I am apparently "ill" with schizoid personality disorder, a condition defined by my self isolating behavior. I'm like kitchen garbage that bags itself and takes itself out to the curb.
On the plus side, I'm the only one in my immediate family that has never gone through a divorce (or marriage for that matter) I'm a self-styled student of life/intellectual, not because I'm very smurt but because there is a lot of interesting stuff to experience and learn when you don't have a partner intent on keeping you grounded and "normal" or children requiring a "competent" role model.
There is no "cure" for what to me feels like a lifelong handicap but that doesn't mean the general public and those suffering from personality disorders can't stand to benefit from learning about these disorders. The field of psychology is still new. Painfully new at times.
Thank you Sam. This was helpful. 🙏
You nailed it again!!! Thank you!
This is a life saving video!!! And I’m very experienced! Thank you sam!
best reality check I’ve ever gotten , regarding myself and others . Thank you Doc Vaknin
As a self-aware sufferer of strong traits of a narcissistic personality disorder, I agree with the statements made in this video 100%
I love this channel. He’s honest. Save yourself. You cannot save them. It’s like the zombie show, The Walking Dead. Once you’ve been bitten, there’s nothing anyone can do for you. Game over.
I needed YOU to say that! TY! VALIDATION!!!
Thank you Dr. Vaknin. I feel understand.
This is such a refreshing opinion and forgive my ignorance, but I have never heard of it. The mentally ill should not form families and avoid close relationships. It's controversial but shouldn't be. There is no need for a push to fix mental illness. Let it be but just don't hurt others. It's so simple in its beauty.
I Appreciate you telling us the Real Truth. Thank you
In a world where we believe we can fix or control everything, this is a stunning truth!
This is truth.Not a popular opinion but TRUTH
My mother had an undiagnosed personality disorder which transformed into schizophrenia later in life. My brother suffers from delusional and a plethora of other disorders. He doesn't understand why he is single and cannot accept the fact that it is for the best. I was spared... For now.
The lies the industry sells to their patients only cause more pain and suffering to future generations. I guess it's exactly what the drug makers want.
Thank you Professor. For real !
It's sad but it's true. Thank you for saying this.
Thank u very much for this- i came from a disgust family being the 2nd youngest of 11- i was the patsey for all of them. I disowned all of them but suffer tremendously 4 it.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
Thank you so much Sam
Are mentally hill people really watching this video? Are we the mentally hill by being the psychopath victims? Are we them are they we? Who are they? Who are we? Who am I?
Narcissist doesn’t care About being normal. They are not interested in being normal at all
@@wildhorses6817 it’s the nature of the beast
These comments are astounding. A wake up call to the Therapy Industrial Complex! Thank you all for your candor and humanity. Sam, how do your comments relate to what you previously said about temporary self states, particularly with regard to CPSD? Thank you so much for any reply or response. Wendy
I needed to hear this! Thank you
What you said about the Narcissist resonated with me because my ex husband within PT is an artist. He does the most amazing work I’ve ever seen and then he goes on to self sabotage and ruin it by doing terrible things to it to make it better. It is hard to watch. But I think you’re right. We need to practice radical candor and tell them straight up what they are and what they can be. He can be an artist. He can have casual relationships. He can convince himself he’s the victim hero in the story. But he can never ever be normal and his attempt to be a normal husband with a home and a job was 16 years, a failed experiment, and abysmal failure.
Thank you Sam 💕
A wonderful topic! Very helpful!
This help me to heal, help myself, forgive those who hurt me!
I was lately diagnosed with CPTSD but the trauma is related to my childhood I suffered selective mutism, which was neglected and untimely diagnosed,untreated for years and I was left not talking for years , that caused a lot of confusion in my early childhood since I was not being seen at all even when I was being bullied because of the mutism.The deludedness was insane while I was being neglected . My family members are all ignorant and maybe even ableists they expect me to forget about it and move on and don’t show any emotional side to other people.But that was impossible. One time my mom forcefully hospitalized me to a mental hospital, I met psychiatrists who laughed and smirked when I was crying and not even listening to what I had to tell them .After that I started having panic attacks and autonomic dysfunctions for years I don’t know maybe because of the trauma and the distrust in humanity. I was totally sick for years and that made me vulnerable and sometimes aggressive but I wouldn’t have the energy to cause tremendous harm. Being weak for years made me severely depressed , I also have learning difficulties , and that’s why I find it difficult to function in workplaces. I have experienced being a waitress overseas and stuff but honestly I sucked at it . It’s weird how a person who used to have selective mutism worked as a waitress but that was how much I was being ignored and pushed and forced. I’m slowly healing and I’m able to meet friends once or twice a week .But I’m not able to function in society well, I have learning difficulties and depression. I am now learning about selective mutism and early developmental problems to share my experience and awareness and that is all I can do rn.
I wish you a complete healing and a happy life! You certainly deserve it...
@@Bojan_V Thank you, you're very kind.
Thinker is the thought, observer is the observed, analyzer is the analyzed
- Jiddu Krishnamurti
Thank you so much Sam.
WOW good for u ! Finally Some Truth Talking
This is absolutely brilliant! Bravo!
Ideally, we would have gradually intensive lifelong management of symptoms depending on severity of the pathology. Going by Kernberg's work, those PD's with the highest level of personality organization (such as Depressive-Masochists and high functioning Histrionics) would have limited mandatory check-ins/therapy and just be encouraged to simply not take certain specific jobs, "relationships" may be feasible if the partner knowingly accepts them as they are, but they would have to be warned first.
The next level of disorganized Personalities (Agentic/Communal Narcissists, Passive-aggressives, some Sadomasochists, Hysteroids, etc.) would have more regular check-ins and "relationships" should only be encouraged (though not mandated) with compatible personalities (forms of codependents and other PD's). More jobs involving power would be barred. Potential partners should be given a more severe warning of the PD they would be involved with. Supply would be offered to help internal regulation of emotions.
The most dangerous and lowest level of personality organization, the Primary Psychopath and Malignant Narcissist, I'm honestly not so sure what's to be done, it would obviously be logical to have them housed away from general society akin to a cushier minimum security prison but I don't know how defendable it is apart from my selfish desire for self-preservation. At the minimum they should have the greatest restrictions on jobs that deal with others. The borderline seems to be oddly largely treatable, on the other hand, but would need mandated therapy.
None of the above should raise children. This would probably be as close to a solution as we could get today in a utopia with enlightened and empathic citizenry, heavy investment in medical science and advanced diagnosticians. In our world your solution is the much better one.
Thank you for this
Man, I love you. This is so true !! My parents should have never ever gotten into a relationship and had kids !!! I am breaking that F***king intergenerational cycle !! It ends with me !!
Me too my friend 💜 We're actually the lucky ones. Everything in their world is upside down and inside out. Let them untangle their own mess ✌️
@@user-vp7kn3js4x I agree. I'm just glad I don't have a child and this ends with me. My brother has done the same. Thanks for your comment.
@@monavis2356 I chose not to have children when I was a child. Couldn't bear the thought of someone that I loved feeling suicidal like me. Turns out to have been the best decision I ever made. No guilt.
I wish you well on your journey 💜
@@user-vp7kn3js4x Me too, I was 3 when I knew I'd never want to have kids cause I love them so much and would not want them to experience such neglect. I am 45 now and it has been the best decision I ever made. I have 11 god-children whom I love to bits and they keep me busy from time to time. All the best to you too. We are fortunate to have access to such priceless knowledge and experts like Sam
Yes, you’re right. At one point it wasn’t tolerated as much as it is now - society used to have locked facilities called “asylums”, and families used to commit their family members. It’s hard to understand what changed, except that it’s very possible that crime, abuse and un-virtuous behaviour has become so widespread and pervasive that no one can really clearly identify the warning signs anymore.
Thank you for your efforts!!! Great info
Thank you so much for your content❤️❤️❤️❤️ ❤️
Great video. Question: how should high functioning person with anxiety disorder fulfill their needs for relationships? Anxiety in particular is not a threat to others, do you have any advice on this subject?
@@NMTDelightfulMusic this is really good advice
Totally agree! Accept, adapt and modify if possible. Work on their strengths. Thankyou Sam x
Thats the course i have chosen. Isolation, no relationships, job without colleagues. Cant wait till i dont have to work anymore, then my isolation will be complete.
I tell you all this good information comes to late, I really need help when I was younger,so Iam running from the monster of my misfortune 😢 I keep learning and keep running.
Excellent content. Thank you
Brilliant! So insithful! Thank you!
Where do people who are working to heal relational limitations from trauma and CPTSD fit into this? Are we also to avoid relationships? We weren’t born mentally ill, we have issues that stem from trauma and abuse. Are we in the mentally ill category here?
No. Late onset CPTSD is transitory.
@@matthewatwood207 Late onset means late in life, not during childhood or adolescence.
@@samvaknin what about CPTSD from childhood?
Oh my god, this video hit me so hard I almost started crying.
This is the reason in mental health case management when they are inconsistent with their goals, I do not take it seriously but wish them well.
Amen!!! Thank you for the truth
Only the person in charge of their meat suit may decide how to get on living in spite of their past problematic behaviors. Good luck fellow pseudo scientists and spiritual people 🙏 amen
“Things as they are…” as always…thank you…
Very informative. Thank you!
I don't know if my therapist selection criteria are poor or my location, but I have never come across a therapist that has claimed that any mental condition can be "cured"...in fact they don't say anything (🤦), I only ever seem to talk. Talky, talky has been a waste of money for me. I have gained far more useful information, understanding, practical ways for coping, and hope for my future via trying many things, thinking positively (which I never did before) and my own research and discernment. I still isolate (hermitage) as I much prefer my own company, but I also still feel ill equiped to relate to most humans. But I am ok with that. Thankyou Professor Vaknin.