Why You May CONFUSE Trauma, Codependency, & Enmeshment
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.ค. 2024
- Disclaimer: Topic may be triggering to some.
What if someone told you that you aren't codependent or trauma bonded as you think?
What if you were told you are enmeshed instead?
In this video, I discuss ways to differentiate or clearly understand traumatic bonding, codependency, and enmeshment.
I welcome your comments and questions!
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---Contact me------
I'm Támara, a licensed and nationally certified mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com.
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Robinson Township, PA 15244
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Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
Blog - blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers
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#trauma #TRAUMABOND #tamarahilllpc
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Now that the definition is clear, which one may reflect your situation?
All three though.
Very helpful. For a long time I had thought I had a problem with codependency, but now I see it was really enmeshment by the family member with no boundaries. Trying to wean myself from that unhealthy relational pattern now that I'm free to remake myself. No contact allows more and more clarity.
I was brought up in enmeshment as bonding and went on to develop this attachment style with everyone including friends becoming a doormat to win friends etc
I wish I learned this at 18. Would have left home straight after highschool. Oh well, learned it in my current mid-twenties. It literally makes me feel soooo behind lol.
That's okay Nom Z! Better late than never. There's probably a TON of things I should know in my 30s that I don't know. LOL😅
You still have your whole life ahead of you!:)
I went away at 18, then I came back a few time when my life fell apart because I was so traumatized and I couldn't start life properly on my own. And finaly I will never go back again, what I'm trying to say is that even when you know everything, it is still hard to go out and stay out.
I am right with you! Mid twenties right now and recently started therapy to reclaim my life.Wish I would have known about this info years ago so life would have been less chaotic, but we can’t look into the past, only onward!
Yeap same here, mid 20s and now trying to figure myself out. Hopefully things are turning for the better for you.
Enmeshment with my mom. Codependency with my ex husband. Thanks so much for providing clear and concise definitions.
Glad this was helpful! Thank you for watching!
When you talked about enmeshment, that is *the* reason I have issues with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I had loving parents who did their best; they just were working through their childhood abuse and traumas as my sisters and I were growing up. It's taken me awhile to work through most of the dysfunction and emotional harm/abuse that occurred while I was growing up, but I can't seem to overcome being enmeshed with my mom. I don't need to hear about her sexual trauma when she was a child, and I don't *want* to hear all the struggles and conflict she's having with my dad not being a team. I still don't understand why she talked to me about that stuff instead of my dad or a counselor/therapist. Oh my goodness; I just realized that's why I felt responsible for their marriage. She dumped it on me, and I didn't know what to do so I felt like I had to fix it, even though I had no power and I it wasn't my responsibility to do so.
Edit: What do you recommend for me to do to continue to work through this?
Wauw, thanks for sharing. I am not a therapist bit i would think that its important to feel your grief and set boundaries when she tries to involve you in her problems.
Codependency is an addictive behavior. It's a compulsion and an unhealthy helping. It is important to realize that codependency *is an addiction* and can be just as harmful psychologically as being addicted to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or technology.
Dude your hair is so pretty
LOL Thank you!
@@TherapistTamaraHill Also thank you so much for sharing this information ❤️
😊 Absolutely. You're welcome!
Thank you Tamara for sharing you expertize with survivors of Narccissistic Abuse and Incest.
Absolutely! You're welcome and thank you for watching.
YEss, first video I’m watching that makes me understand why codependency didn’t feel quite right. Emeshment sounds more attuned to me. Thank you so much for posting this video !
Building the language around healing and the needs people have to find the language of their trauma will often be problematic and confusing...when you don't have that language wouldn't you agree Tamara? Thanks for your insight. It is a serious gift to the novice person healing and soon (hopefully) person working within community settings. Thankyou!!
My father is religious, and firmly believes in hell. I have enmeshment trauma from adapting to wishes of others out of fear. Over the years I fear people more and more, like every new engagement is a controlling, choking feeling. Thankfully I didn't suffer any heavy abuse, but as an adult, the fear of going to hell as a child was terrible for me in the long term. I am not religious, but it made my authenticity more possible when I am alone. I am currently quarantined with my family in an open concept house and it's brutal. I genuinely feel that I am being slowly smothered and surrounded by almost every interaction. My solution is to make boundaries for my alone time, and to actively spend time with myself and allow myself to feel authentic. When I am alone, I am fine, when another person walks into my space, I suddenly abandon myself and absorb their feelings and energy, good or bad. Still working on solutions for that. It seems to be getting progressively worse.
Have you considered seeing a therapist?
Or if you can't right now, use the time quarantined to gather more knowledge and reparent yourself with love
♡
Spot on! Thanks for covering Tamara!!
Absolutely! Thanks for watching
I love your matter of factness and your strength in it Tamara. You're an inspiration!
💖😊Thank you Kenit Cimm.
I was the parentified 5, 10 and 15 year old boy. My biological Mother was an addict, a drunk and a Covert/ Hidden/Shy Narcissist. It was horrible growing up around that violent woman. Ugh😔
I understand that. Must have been very scary as child, I'm sorry
Thank you so much for breaking this down. I had a conversation with a friend about Enmeshment, so this is helpful to share.
You're welcome! Glad this was helpful! :)
This is an awesome learning experience both to look at self and the ones around me. Thank you
Very beautiful..your idea to separate the three itself sounds so much clarity.
Great vid as always Doc. Have a great weekend :)
😊 thanks!
You too!
Cutting edge stuff. About 50 years too late for me. Next life maybe.
😔 sorry to hear this.
Come on live the last part of life free!! We can do it!
Excellent, thank you
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!
Thanks for watching.
I have one objection to the definition of codependency.
Codependency is living for another person aka NEEDING them, as was said.
However, a codependent person does not necessarily refuse to take on responsibility. In fact, this is a great reason why codependent relationships are often seen between alcoholics or chemically dependent individuals and those in relationships with them - because codependents enable them. They may do all the chores in the house and construct their entire life around this person to “protect” them - they think that’s love. A lot of work.
However, they value this person more than themselves to the point that they neglect their own well-being. They become addicted to taking care of other people. And if that relationship ends, they unknowingly seek out other needy people.
The only 2 circumstances where I’ve seen codependents become helpless are: 1.they don’t believe they can take care of themselves and 2. They do it as a way of controlling someone with whom they’re in a relationship. So if they think someone might leave them, they become helpless to try to keep the person around.
My mother is heavily codependent. And while I don’t take advantage of that. I struggle with her not having an identity, not knowing what she wants, wanting to do everything for me and feeling rejected when her advice or efforts to help are declined. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie also has a good discussion of this.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I will say, for you and other viewers, that every codependent person is different. Not every individual who shows co-dependent behaviors and thought patterns are the same. It sounds like you are taking your personal awareness on this topic ("However, a codependent person does not necessarily refuse to take on responsibility. In fact, this is a great reason why codependent relationships are often seen between alcoholics or chemically dependent individuals and those in relationships with them -" and generalizing and we have to be careful with that. Your experience, perhaps as someone who has a mother like this, is what you express in your comment. But again, your experience (which may be somewhat limited) doesn't account for all codependent individuals.
It's difficult to pinpoint what kind of codependent individual you are working with. I might do a video on this again and highlight the different characteristics that can be displayed.
Take care
@@TherapistTamaraHill Of course. My life experience is only 1 perspective. And of course, you actually have a career in psychology. Mentioning my mother or other common examples of codependence, doesn’t mean my perspective is based on limited information. I find that in Melody Beattie’s book explored various experiences. But really, isn’t giving a definition for this behavior - in itself - trying to find something that encapsulates or gives a general idea about it?
So I guess we are both trying to do the same thing.
But stepping back and allowing someone else to do everything for you, sounds like dependence - not codependence - to me.
Once again, perhaps your clinical experience has shown otherwise.
I just know that for me, struggling with my own codependence (separate from my mother’s), your words did not resonate with me or any other experiences I’ve heard. A video exploring various manifestations of codependence would be much appreciated.
I thought it was important for anyone who is looking for validation or an explanation for their own experience, to have something in addition to what you mentioned, to refer to.
Sincerely, thank you for your work. Education about psychology is something we all need very badly.
Absolutely! I agree and thank you for mentioning this book because it's one that I may pull up as well and share with my clients. And I do appreciate your perspective because it gives me the opportunity to kind of add another perspective and educate the community. And a title was born out of this conversation too so that's great!!!
Thank you for making a very clear distinction between these topics.
I was having a hard time distinguishing the difference.
You're very welcome! They are hard to distinguish.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes they are. I understand no I was trauma bonded and enmeshed.
I was always confused about the co dependant label, mostly because I fought back. I would call them out on their behavior, I did not realize I was causing narc injury. No wonder they seemed to secretly or overtly hate me.
But the enmeshment and trauma bonding, yeah thats me for sure.
I have you and a few others to thank for setting me free from what felt like my duty and obligation to help them. ❤
Great information and I love your videos Tamara. I learned a lot more difference in all three. I think I would like to know more about trauma bonding. I am still unclear on this.
Thanks Nikki!!
I'll be talking more about traumatic bonding soon.
@@TherapistTamaraHill okay thank you so much. Have a good weekend
Wow another amazing video and shocking point at the end I feel like I know an abuser like who depends on their child for this.
Thank you for making this a 10 minute video♡♡♡ kasha
You are so welcome!
Hi Tamara! Amazing video! I believe that my narcissistic father convinced me to let my dog go
Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sure you feel a lot of emotions around this.
im sorry you were hacked. I dont believe google likes me very much i am inadequate at such defenses even when trying. The truths i know ruin what other people wish to be joy. Im not narcissistic just understanding, but after learning to control myself and not project others emotions onto others through myself I was targeted to be made uncomfortable with who I am.
thanks again.
i havent watched this yet
Thank you 😊 I appreciate that. Hackers are a poison to us all!
In regards to the topic, I like that you say "the truths I know ruin what other people wish to be joy," so true!
Thank you
You're welcome!
Hi. I'm new here. Thank you for making me feel welcome 😀. I love the information you provide.
Can a person be traumatically bonded and co-dependent at the same time? By the descriptions I feel I have both.
Welcome Jannette! And you're welcome.
Thank you.
The short-answer to your question is yes. Because they are two different things and have different stages it is possible. I might do a video on this if there is enough need for one.
@@TherapistTamaraHill a video about this would be awesome.
Can a person become codependent in the context of an abusive relationship but not outside? of it? Can a person have traits or behavious in certain life spheres but not in others?
Very helpful
Glad to hear that!!
Thank you!
This is so useful- i had not idea the mental confusion created by dysfunctional relationships. I am wondering if this causes depression? I know I feel best when I am away from my family- but, i do miss them and also feel guilty for leaving and guilty for feeling better. Then, i feel worse.
Absolutely, it does! It causes many many things discussed on this channel. The missing them part is the challenge for many families. That's why I discuss being okay with being alone in your family. If you didn't see that one Makayla, I encourage you to check it out: th-cam.com/video/GIxny-ctBhU/w-d-xo.html
I had a traumatic experience when I was young and I got better and I looked for my mom to do stuff with me through middle and high school and she wouldn't I caught on to it, now I am 31 learning alot about mental health and know the problem of narcissistic people and I think my mom became all 3 to me
Hi Sam, thank you for sharing this with us. I'm glad that you have come to a place of understanding of what happened and who your mom is. Understanding is the first step toward progress and healing in our lives.
@@TherapistTamaraHill is there a way that you can change their prespective, I've tried to talk to her as a human and it's going in one in out of other. Is it that they really don't want to let go?
Definitions start at 2:05
Geez, I'm 2 of 3...
Basically, i was traumatized, bonded by abuse, whether verbal and emotional, then I'm enmeshed, i become my mother emotional support, at the same time being her emotional trash, but i kinda hate it because she's always toxic and don't care at all about my needs, and then end up being codependent because I'm depressed ....
A lot of dissociation, sometimes my inner child seeing my mother as perpetrators and enemy, abuser.....
Now i kind a free from a verbal abuse and gaslit, because I'm doing no contact with my narc mother and sister, but im still traumatized....
Hello. Great videos!
Are there rehab centers for codependency, no drugs but another person addiction?
Would you say they work? Is it just a matter of reprogramming the brain?
That's a really good question! I'm not too familiar with treatment centers for codependency but because codependency is sometimes conceptualized as an addiction I wouldn't be surprised if there are more programs than I'm aware of. I'd have to look at the research.
I would prefer to look at codependency as a trauma response as opposed to an addiction but that is just my opinion based on my training.
There's one in Arizona www.sierratucson.com/programs/family-recovery/codependency-treatment/
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you for taking time to respond 👏
Absolutely! You're welcome.
I'm healing now. I'm a work in progress.
That's great!!
Reality is that we all are.
Could these different types overlap and be intertwined thought out life?
Oh my..I trauma dumped on my son alot decades of chikdhood trauma came to the surface and can i fix this and what can he do for himself
Is it trauma bond when at 24 years old I keep failling opportunities to leave my parent's house ? I feel stuck since I keep coming back in their house.
My narcissist partner is co dependent he needs me to be able to function. I am trauma bonded to him and trying to leave, easier said than done.
It is easier said than done. You truly need a support system to walk away.
Is this still emeshment if you talk to them about these things at the age of 18
😎👍✨✨✨✨💛💛💛 Thank You
You're welcome!☺
My daughter is codependent on me . She is okay with being like that . She likes to play the role of “ I’m only 18 I’m practically a child” and “ I’m almost 19 I’m a grown woman” whenever each is convenient. She literally relay on me for everything and begs me to write text to her bf when they fight, begs me to make calls for her,I’m literally me and I’m literally her at the same time. It’s a complete prison. I’m aware I raised her so please no hate. I’ve tried to transition her to do her own thinking , to be independent but she was diagnosed with bipolar, and ODD so I know that sometimes contributes to her combative responses
I'm sorry to hear this. This is difficult for both of you. But there may be a simple answer to some of the behaviors and that is... don't reward bad behavior. If she asks you to text her boyfriend...don't! It doesn't matter what the reason or reaction. Don't do it. What you're doing is enabling this behavior and "strengthening" it which will make "transitioning" her very difficult. The more you placate, enable, and reinforce the behavior the worse things will be. I know this is easier said than done. It might be a good way, however, to think of this moving forward.
Is it possible to experience all of these together with the same person?
Yes, absolutely! I might do a video where I give you examples of how this would look. Stay tuned!
All three? Lol.
🤭 I do understand. It happens.
Same
Probably enmeshment
Perhaps. It can be confusing.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I've read a little on boundaries but don't know a great deal about them.