Im presently trying to study up and to learn something more about codependency, which i suspect i might struggle with . Yes i have many family who'd do things of what have made me question how we can ever be related.Ive even wondered, at times, if i'd been swapped over for another baby, in the hospital, at birth, or something I find it to be a hard situation for me to just decide to walk away from, and forget about , because of the way how i see how its also been "troubling" the lives of my nieces and nephews, as well. Your videos are greatly helpful. Thank you so much
Thank you! Glad they they are helpful. I don't blame you. I have spoken to many people who could relate to you for sure. Sometimes you wonder if you're adopted!
@@miro0o890 Yeah, exactly!! I guess you keep being distant and unless they want to change and choose to stop being toxic then that is the consequence to your boundary of whatever it was that caused you to need distance. If they dont want you to be distant, they need to respect you. They use guilt to manipulate you but that is where you have to stay firm of your boundary will be walked all over. Its up to them, not you for the relationship to work.
We must remember that it's totally OK to put ourselves first for protection of our mind and spirit. People say family is everything, but they don't necessarily act like it.
You have said more in these 19 minutes than my own therapist has said in a year! Thank you. I have been feeling the need to cut off my own mother! She is toxic, not willing to heal, and in complete rage and anger. Thank you!!
I was abused as a child and went no contact with my toxic family over two years ago, and I still struggle with loneliness. But I have more peace and self respect now than I’ve ever had before, so it’s better living without them than being abused.
This is the hardest step for most people which is why they refuse to go "no contact" and would instead endure the abuse. You are right "it's better living without them than being abused."
I can relate. I was verbally abused growing up. I haven't talked to my parents for 1.5 yrs. It was strange at first, but I was done with the toxicity and very negative influence. Hanging on to any contact with my Dad was slowly destroying me. My Mom won't leave him and everyone wonders why. She just won't.
Same here...distanced, walked away, said nothing- but, nobody is asking me anything. It gets lonely- but, i do feel peace from the weird text, and dynamics. Peace, joy to you!
I wasnt even aware i was living w a toxic family until now that im almost 40. So heart breaking to be longing for a mother’s love all my life and realizing that the person i love so much is the same person who gave me all this trauma by being emotionally distant and dismissive. I ask God why did he allow this .
Same, well i'm 27. I want to go back to God. But everytime I try and go back. I just remember thr things he let. Also never giving me reckoning of what my christian family did and did not do. I was starting to feel insecure of my own mind.... i want ti go back to God but It feels like I can't.
"Blood is thicker than water" "Family is everything" I disagree with that. YES!!!! 👏👏👏👏 you have no idea how much I appreciate you saying you disagree with and stand by that understanding and truth Thank you 🙏🙏🙏🙏
I distanced myself from my mother last year and family members are not happy about my decision. But due to the peace I have now, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I’m actually in the process into not engaging with my family anymore I’m such a nice person I truly want the best for others but my family strips the life away from me 💔
Just starting myself.. im always the one trying to get the "piece"; and in done people walking over me. They actually treat me like garbage. Im almost 30 and they have no respect for me.. its just super hard..
Tupac once said... Just because you lost me as a friend doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that. I want to see you eat just not at my table. Love that!
thank you very much, I just got disowned by my family because I shared my mental abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse that drained me for 20 years! I was called ungrateful for remembering these trumas. I Pray I can heal fast they don't deserve my time.
I have distanced myself from most of my family due to different reasons. It was the best decision I ever made. Thanks for another wonderful video Támara.
Great information! I decided to go no contact with my toxic family. I was so lonely at first but now I feel free from all the emotional anxiety. When I finally looked back at my relationships with my dysfunctional family, I realized I was never happy in the relationship. I was just going along to get along and that's not living! I deserve to be happy with people who want the best for me.❤
I had to cut all my toxic family off and change my number 5 months ago my mom was the number and her 4 kids was the first I wanted to get away from. I changed my life got baptized and I’m working on getting closer to GOD the peace and calmness in my life at 48 is what I been missing all this time
Thank you...I had to move to another state to get away from my toxic family members. I am happier now. I have CPTSD and am working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. Thank God for people like you. You have a special gift.
I’m literally moving away from mine to go to Florida this Friday, and even now I’m a whole mixture of emotions. I feel like I was meant to see this comment for the restoration of my sanity-
Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation is walk away. That’s what i did. It was very hard, and shame and guilt got me in a bad way. I should have got therapy at that very moment.
I'm so used now to be alone, that ibmike it more than being wooth others. Because of cPTSS, i had the need to isolate me from everyone to recover from it and to edicate myself abt toxic and narc families and people, and now, i came to a point that i love it to do things alone the whole day, spending lots of time in nature, doing hiking and skiing holidays alone, going fro skiing and mtbiking .... It's now just me and myself. As the scapegoat, bullied my whole life through my own parents and siblings, i only trust myself, avfew friends, but don't want to be attached to much anymore to anybody, because friends come and go...
This was a really informative video. It was kind of a relief to hear you say that ''blood is thicker than water" , ''family is everything'', ''give them a second chance' is over rated. My inner conflict is with setting boundaries and feelings of obligation.
Thank you Penny! I appreciate that. I'm hoping to do more videos of this kind. That was an inner conflict of mine too. It's hard. It takes practice. And it takes courage.
People should be educated on not telling others what to do with their families like you don’t know that person behind closed doors nor would they put up with it
I struggle with the feeling of obligation as well. Know you are not alone and we are dealing with this all of this stuff collectively as a human family not just individual families.. blessings to you...And everyone here who is struggling right now...keep up the strength and courage to keep choosing you!!!
Wow. This was a great video! I feel so empowered ...you hit on everything!! I am 58 yrs old and the baby sister of a very arrogant, self-entitled, smug individual. My whole life I have walked on eggshells around him and it has taken this long for me to wake up. He's bullied, manipulated, and has made me cry my entire life. He is 13 years older than I and only in a small window of time were we ever friends. He has humiliated, insulted me my whole life. I even think he tried to kill me as a baby...he was supposed to have been 'watching' me and I fell down the basement stairs. My mom says I somehow bounced off the cement floor on the bottom of the stairs and was not hurt at all. Anyway, my dad passed a few months ago, I was his caregiver, and my brother came over a few days before our dad died. He came over to call me a dumb b%#ch. I was shaking uncontrollably because he was so full of rage. I feel so full of hatred towards him because everything over all the years finally came bubbling up to the surface. I have since blocked him and ignored him at my dad's viewing. It has been hard but I'm now working on myself and trying to find out everything I can to learn about myself and this family dynamic I came from. Thank you so much again for your clarity and upfrontness about this subject matter. This helps me so much 🌈.
Ms. Hill is a highly intelligent lady. Many smart people don't understand what aloneness is like for other people. Smart people have a richer life of the mind. We talk to ourselves more than other people and on average enjoy solitude more. We get more out of learning. To anybody reading this who is having a hard time with aloneness, I suggest that you take on the challenge of learning a couple of things that you have always been curious about but never really had a handle on. Also, try listening to college lectures, TED Talks, and interviews of smart people. You might find yourself thinking in a way that is more conducive to solitude.
First time I come a cross your channel, very helpful, I want to know how to stop feeling bad because I am walking away from family members,I lived with my son and grandchildren along with my ex-husband. I moved out physically and and I wanted to strong emotional, I work 7 days a week and I have nothing I saved money 💰, but somebody have to asked they needed it more. I have decided to moved with no stable job, no car 🚗, no money 💰. Because it’s cost me more being here living in their homes. I am feeling guilty because I love them all but I need to save myself. emotionally, financially and psychologically. I thank you for helping people like me get on with their lives. I am retired I worked so I can buy what I needed,and wanted. But always empty handed. But I decided to end my suffering. I will follow your channel to learn more, thank you 😊
Thank you! I'm glad this video has been helpful. I'm sorry for your struggles within this family dynamic. You are doing the right thing by trying to push forward despite their behaviors and become more stable. I hope you are doing well now.
I’ve literally suffered with cognitive disengagement I have a lot of resent and bitterness towards both parents I’ve lived in the past and I’m now learning to heal
Thanks for sharing this. I think a lot of people feel this way about their families. Sometimes in order to cope with resentment and bitterness we have to disengage.
A new subscriber here - your professionalism and straightforwardness is welcoming in addition that you’re a licensed professional rather than someone that’s talking on their personal experience is even better!
Thank you. The only thing they want is for me to maintain communication with them, but I get so riled up! Emotional disconnection is key, got it. Thank you. It does seem cold, but effective. Gray rock!
Amen regarding family being overrated and this idea that you should always be very close, regardless of their treatment of you and others. You are the second therapist I heard say that recently. If necessary, you can create your own family of trusted and healthy individuals outside of your own "blood".
Currently healing through this. I had psychologically traumatic experiences when I spent 5 weeks with them back in 2017. It’s crazy how I’m just now starting to work thru this trauma! When I think of it, it still feels like it happened yesterday. They have started to come back around now that I’ve published my first book. Thank you so much for this video. It is much needed!
Thank you LM! That's kind of you. I think family trauma stays with you forever. You learn to manage your thoughts and feelings about it and you learn to manage your communication with them better as well. You can heal over time but it is a very long process.
I'm really loving this channel, I just found it and it has been incredibly helpful in both validating this struggle and understanding how to heal through it. Fun fact: the full phrase for "blood is thicker than water" is actually about putting friendship over family! The full phrase is "blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb!"
The motorcycle 😂. I can't believe the timing!! I cut off my mother...I realized she is a sociopath and has been messing with my head and life since childhood. I am so grateful for your videos. I have so much shame I am trying to release! Therapy has helped me so much!! I had no idea, I am also going through the diagnostic process for Asperger's!
I know! LOL It's like someone knows I'm recording. Thanks! I'm really glad these videos are helpful on your journey! It's a process but with the right supports and the right knowledge about who you are diagnostically, emotionally, psychologically, etc. you can do well moving forward.
Thank you 🙏🏼 going through it right now and hoping for the healing process to continue, ur word spoke to my souls and I can’t appreciate you enough ! Much Respect and love 💕
Thank you 💓I' m so glad this was helpful to you! I wished so badly growing up with a complicated family dynamic that I had someone to talk me through this and understand what I would be facing. It's renewing to know someone else gets it!
I’m full of tears as I watch. I haven’t found my alone yet. But with every part of me I believe you are going to help me be a healthy woman who can progress in all parts of myself. Thank u in advance for all I believe you will be to me. Back to the video
You're welcome. 🙂😢 I'm sorry that you have had to experience the pain of this. I can almost "hear" in your comment how deep that pain may go. I do hope that you find healing on this journey.
THANK YOU, my heart is overjoyed to hear that I did the right thing for cutting my family off. My grandmother's daughters put me through hell, until the day they died. I tried to bond with my grandfather's side, and they're worse. They're the "spiritual" ones & one upper. They have all the answers for everyone else's business, but gravely fail to do their hard work to answer their own hard questions. I'm older, so when I discerned their toxic patterns, I started documenting, getting proof; they play a dirty game of gaslight, and heavily into a triangulation. They say I'm paranoid, yet whatever I said or thought came to fruition. I even had people to bear witness. Mind you; their personal losing endgames is a dead giveaway; they're the generational curses. I've been through everything you described. I started therapy and told them in hopes of; they would also go; they challenged the process and exacerbated matters. Miss Universe has been good to me by making me an introvert; I truly believe It's why I cut them off briskly.
You're welcome!! That validation is always helpful!! It's a good thing that you distanced yourself and it appears at the right time. You owe it to yourself to connect with healthier people and healthier things. You only have one life and if they can't behave appropriately in it, say goodbye.
❤You Have a Truly Wonderful Gift in Contextualizing what, just a Few years ago, Felt Like Extemely Toxic, Murky, Shark infested Waters filled with Broken Glass & Rusty Cans. * So Grateful & Hopeful too ✌😊
This is actually really helpful for me. I had been struggling with my own family since we let in my sister's family. They were homeless and we really wanted to help but they were so abusive since the moment they got to our house from screaming insane things like "drug house" to ugly or saying I was out of line or crazy for standing up for myself or mentioning something that was concerning. It really sent me spinning just trying to understand it, and it has escalated to my whole family seeing me differently. It's really difficult but I am trying to better get a grip on that whole distancing is best. Something that isn't so easy, but I find your posts really comforting and helpful through these times. So thank you. ❤️
You're welcome. :) I'm glad to hear that! Thank you! I will try to do more videos like this moving forward. It sounds to me as if these individuals need help in more ways than you think. There is an unstable dynamic often created in toxic families like this. In order to break the dynamic you have to distance yourself so you become a bit more objective and then make your move. Sorry to hear this.
This is the BEST Video I have ever seen on toxic family home. You always see videos on the net about getting a second chance with your narcissistic parent, that they also have childhood traumas and bla bla bla to make you feel guilty about going no contact. Thanks a lot Tamara . Love you xxx
I m about to move out of my toxic family home into my apartment in less than 2 months. I am so grateful and happy to end this toxic cycle in my life and Rebirthing Myself
You are such an awesome strong woman. Thank you for putting all this out there. Your videos resonate with me so much it’s not even funny. It’s like you know my life
Thank you for your advice. My older brother inherited my mothers house but she said it was ok for me and my siblings to live there. I have been dealing with a toxic, narcissistic and manipulating brother. So controlling stoping me from having friends over constantly threatening to kick me out when I speak my mind when he does something wrong. The other day our house was messy. He kicked my bedroom door off and trashed my room and attacked me. I’ve told my partner I’ve come to understand that I will need to move on from my toxic family and accept I will be alone. 💔
Thankyou for this. I'm dealing with things just like this with my daughter who's 41 now and my granddaughter who's almost 22. Oh there's so much. I'm a born again Christian, they aren't..there's been so much rejection and hurt they have done to me with rejection, accusations that's not true. Ignoring me..this all happens off and on..I walk on eggshells and it breaks my heart. But this info helps me to really think that I can't let this destroy my happiness and my self esteem..and get me in the pits anymore..so Thankyou Tamara 💓
You're welcome! ☺ And I'm sorry to hear this. No mother wants this. No grandmother wants this. I'm very glad that this video may have opened up some new areas of understanding.
Hi I am new here, loving your videos.. I like the being a lone one..I believe you have to get use to being a lone, and not stay in a bad relationship because you don’t want to be lonely...Good advice.... 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.
I had a sociopathic father and have a narcissistic brother. The emotional pain and strength that comes from this is debilitating. I just want a normal family and a brother to love me. Knowing after trying to give my brother chances for over 15 years and he still chooses not to care about my feelings. Learning about narcissists is giving me strength to acknowledge my brother will never love me. He is incapable of loving anyone but himself and that will never change. Grieving that lose of hope😢
I have had to face toxic family for so many years and at 30 those memories sometimes still bother. My mom abused me physically and is a dominant personality and the sibling being a violent manipulator. There was no support from dad either. Putting up with them for so many years had taken a toll on my mental health. To become independent and distance from them took me some time. Now I want to completely clear away from their memories and sometimes that creates bad vibes and stress within me. families are supposed to support each other, not create manipulative traps and bondage.
I distanced myself from my mother last year. My sister helped me out and I’m grateful for her assistance, but my mother still controls her. Because of this I’m very careful about what I say to her and I hate this. Years ago my sister blamed me for “breaking up the family” because she believed the lies my mother told. I know that on some level my little sister still struggles with all this but I also know she won’t really listen to me. We are not toxic to one another, and I don’t want to let go of her, but I don’t fully trust her either. Distance has saved me from self-destruction but I still feel the reach of my mother through my sister. If I let her ago, I wouldn’t have any connection with my nephew and niece. That is the real tragedy. My mother will always be a hateful, manipulative sociopath or psychopath. I wish my sister could understand that.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I say this A LOT on this channel but it's true...I'm sorry. We don't deserve familial abuse. That's not okay. It sounds like a lot of boundaries have been crossed and re-establishing those boundaries may consist of building distance between you, only communicating about certain things, and refusing to talk about anything that could move that boundary. Stay tuned because I will be talking about managing these situations in a live video soon.
Great video ... going through the process now of cutting out of my life a toxic family member it’s just difficult bc we have so many mutual friends and of course others family members so detaching can get sticky ... would love to see another video on the physical and emotional aftermath and healing from having to cut certain family members out of your life..
Thank you! I know exactly what you mean in terms of a messy detachment. It's a tough process to navigate because some family may try to influence you to lower your guard. I do have a variety of videos geared toward healing but will add your suggestions to the list.
I recently let go all of my immediate family and extended family. I come from a large family and was the youngest of all my cousins. My oldest cousins are about 25 years older to 5 years older and there are about 50 first cousins. My 3 brothers were 15, 12 and 5 years older. My immediate family was an alcoholic and abusive father and 3 older brothers that took out their angst on me physically and emotionally which continued into adulthood. My mom was a good person but due to my father a lot of things were left alone. I finally had my eureka moment recently on why I feel so uncomfortable even though I don’t have anything to do with my family anymore. It’s that I was criticized from all sides so much for anything I tried when I was growing up and into adulthood that I don’t know how to act now that I don’t have that happening. I have my own company now and I have this project that would provide for generations if it is completed and works out. There is no one critical or belittling me so I’m stuck in a paralysis as often as an adult I’d take an “I’ll show you” attitude to things. But that only got me through college. Now I’m 50 and no one tells me anything and it feels uncomfortable to the point where I don’t know how to proceed some days even though I am aware and have seen similar projects in my industry executed. At least the weight is off and I figured out my sticking point. Now to move ahead.
Yeah my grandma would say “tellin a story” instead of saying “lying” lo I definitely relate to that lmfaoo I don’t understand why they taught us that .. that’s so weird lol
I love this as its given me more reasurance about the distancing from the toxic unhealthy controlling sociopathic and narssasitic family that i had. Its took some time and a whole lot of courage to do it.and your so right about outsiders who try dragging you back, i was and still do hear the same rhings you mentioned blood is thicker than warter, and cant you just forgive and forget i have forgiven i will never forget but im living in peace so thank you for this video Tamars it stops all thise nagging little but what if's in my head. Once agai i feel that much more empowered.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You addressed the statement I made about family and friends asking you to forgive. You caused me to think about forgiveness as still being possible but that doesn't mean you have to be bothered. I have always lived by the notion that you can forgive in your heart but that doesn't mean you have to be abused by them.
@@TherapistTamaraHill absolutely i agree. I found that forgiving them allowed me to feel somewhat at peace with myself, I didn't have to tell them I just accepted what I can't change and forgave them then it felt les raw and more manageable for me. I don't bother with them because they are no good for me.
Your family issues are similar to mine. I have great friends and I choose the healthy family I want to add value to my life and theirs. Has been so much progress. I use to love family till the rose tinted glasses came off. The FAMILY you are born into is not everything! You can choose the family you want to grow and share with
I am going through this right now and am so scared to be alone.. but I know that I have to do this for me because staying around them will kill me. Thank you for this, it helped me a lot.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for saying that family is NOT EVERYTHING. 🙏 In my case, blood is definitely not thicker than water. My close friends are my family.
All of this are things that I learned early in life, but went long to TRY to get along for my late mom's sake and all of the Bible stuff that she believed in. I waited some 3 years after her death to "Let The Lord Handle It" and these folks are bigger devils than I remember since childhood through my early adult years. Nothing's changed...but me! I don't bother with ANY of these people these days and I feel a much better sense of relief. Thank you for this video. I will certainly forward it to a really good buddy of mine who's faced with this same type of situation.
I wish I would have known this like 10 years ago. Sad the abuse was projected much on me. I starter to become like them now they try and I agree learning to be completely alone is great and necessary. I wish I could have gotten the law against mine cuz I fell in their trap of of all what they are and did reversed on me. I was too late. Now its straight no more family and hopefully a new world, new life, new love as learning to embrace such harsh Realty's cause trauma on top of trauma. Sounds cliché but like lil whayne I never knew how to love cuz I had none growing up. I had expectational, conditioned love. No hugs, no tears allowed, yeah cognitive repairing. New mind ! I love me and I deserve love, I am enough. Very powerful affirmations I suggest for those dealing with painful trauma to say at least one time out loud a day and when triggered. Let the happiness back in !
Thank you I struggle with this my mom is from Colombia and has a very abusive way of talking to me and loved one she defends it by that’s how I am and I’m not going to change for nobody
I love this video!!! Thanks for posting. I just recently made the decision to cut ties with my toxic family. I was getting pulled into a situation and things I said to an in law who was getting attacked by my family got back to them and I have been attacked a few times. I had to let go of some death bed promises with my mom when she passed to "stay close" to my family.
Thank you Chris! I'm glad this was helpful. And you're welcome! This is a tough situation indeed. I've been there personally and professionally. You have to uphold your mental health despite what is going on.
Thank you so much for your message, very timely in my current situation, I needed this to reinforce my family decisions. I'm done with being emotionally abused.
Hi Tamara, I just want to say thank you for everything you do and making videos that cover topics that are not normally talked about or is frowned upon by society. I’m so grateful to have a resource like your channel to help me heal and empower myself in hopes of a more happier fulfilling life. Much thanks 🙏
This video absolutely changed my life. You definitely hit the nail on the head on everything I've been experiencing with my family members. Thank you so much ❤️!
Your videos are so well-needed right now in my life, so thank you, Tamara. Everything you said in this video I could identify with when it comes to the massive toxic leeches in my family tree, and as to why I choose to separate myself from them, just to cleanse my spirit of that negativity.
I'm so glad to hear this. Glad this was helpful! And thank you! It's a major process to distance from unhealthy family but once you do you can't deny the freedom you feel.
I might try to incorporate this topic at some point soon. You might find some information on this in one of my recent videos: th-cam.com/video/Nd97mPML4Fc/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for this powerful video. This has really given me clarity and made me feel like I’m not insane. I recently found this channel and I’m loving all the content. It really makes me feel I can gain strength to help myself.
So Happy i ran across your channel. thank you for your knowledge and being honest (saying the hard things that need to be said) you are like a breath of fresh air , finally someone who can help me by showing me how to move through my traumas and dysfunctional relationships, I have subscribed to your channel and so excited to dive in and watch your videos, thank you again you are appreciated.
Thank you so much for these kind comments! And welcome to the channel. 🤗 Glad to have you. If you haven't already, please join me LIVE every Friday between 6:25pm and 7:45pm.
What about that family member that disrespects you behind your back and when you address them on how their behavior makes you feel, they disregard and send I love you texts 2 days later like nothing happened? That’s exhausting to me and very irritating🤦🏾
Thank you for this, I struggling with my mom and my sister, I can't comunícate with them in a healthy, normal way, they are rude, and always unvalidate my feelings, they are cold, and I tried and tried to be more close to my sister and she always responding me in a disrespecful way and for my mom that's normal, im the difficult one, she says that I get mad over nothing, but my sister is always rude to me. I can't with that. I moved to other country to be away from that, but still hurts, they don't change, they don't see anything wrong in their behavior. I always tried to be close to them but my sister its so cold, barely talk to me, she always been that way, and also my mom is hard to comunícate, she never understand what I said, she yell, she ltell me that I always make problems just because I want a close, affectionate family, but I never have that maybe I won't
Thank you for this video💗 Gave me alil comfort today dealing with major toxicity in my family. I like the part...where u say..be ok with being alone....that is what im struggling with. I'm so afraid to cut them off. But i have to find some distance. They are causing major stress to me🙁
I have toxic sisters who are manipulating my mother and I’ve recently moved back after20years living away, I moved into the family home to live with my mother as my father recently passed away so putting distance between them & I is difficult. I try to lead the peaceful/ non drama lifestyle. Now I’m being dragged back into it just by associating with my mother again as my mother is passing me on messages, despite me stating I don’t want to hear anything about them, as they are triggering mental pain in me . The manipulation is getting to me through my mother, as she isn’t seeing what my sisters are doing. I am in mental pain right now, I don’t know how much more I can take. and No, I can’t moved out at this moment in time- it’s now my plan to move as soon as I can
Marianna, thank you for watching and sharing this. Many of my previous clients had similar situations and it only leads to more stress if you get sucked into this unhealthy dynamic. I've been here too. I would suggest explaining to your mom that this is a very unhealthy dynamic and that you really don't want to engage in the "mess" if you don't need to. I'm so sorry. This is very stressful. I would even seek out psychotherapy for yourself as you need an outlet and possible suggestions from a professional.
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate your advice. Infact I decided I should take action after watching your video. It definitely motivated me to do something about this. I am actively looking at psychotherapists in my area as I’m well aware of the importance for me to clear & heal my thoughts/mind in regards to these family dynamics 💗
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC thank you so much. I appreciate you and the videos you have shown in highlighting these particular family issues as I really thought I was alone and luckily I’m very open in talking and getting things off my mind 💗 keep it going
In regards to Getting the law involved sometimes it has to come to that unfortunately and the more we delay the distance and the reality of the gravity of the situation the more it escalates and then has to be taken to the next level. I can’t tell you how much your topics are helping me right now through an incredibly sad, difficult and challenging situation. 🙏🏼
Yes, very true. That's my point! And thank you so much! Very glad these videos are helpful. I do hope they provide some peace. I know I've needed peace in the past and finding that special book, article, or video did just the thing I needed to keep me fighting and pushing ahead. Welcome to the channel. I don't remember seeing your display name on the channel in the past.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I’ve just started watching... I think I may have done a search about dealing with dysfunctional family members. I’m pretty sure that’s how you popped up for me. 🙏🏼 I’m trying to find resources to get through this mostly on my own and help me to understand that what I’m dealing with is real. It can be hard to really know this when you have been raised in the toxic environment, it feels normal. I’m struggling with a lot of guilt and feelings of this being my fault . Like if only I could be this or that or more patient or if I didn’t do this ...then that wouldn’t have happened. It’s a real deep wound and everything in my life is now being questioned because of this. Thank you again for your work, there aren’t a lot of people talking about this right now. You are a true blessing to me during this time and for the world as well. ☀️🌻💛
@@DeepDivingDiva333 WOW!!..I could've written this! Learning about (CEN)... Childhood Emotional Neglect helped me tremendously! It's definitely not your fault! Stay strong and safe! 🙏
Great stuff! Thanks for talking about this topic. That old saying "blood is thicker" has actually gotten warped and turned backwards in its meaning: it originates in European Christianity, meaning that the blood of the covenant (i.e. practice of communion in your chosen congregation) is stronger than the water of the womb.
Omg you are talking to me. I love your videos. I wish you were in my area for therapy. Your always so nurturing and transparent. I appreciate your work.
Thanks Támara! I'm so amazed with you! You💫 are so exceptional! In my opinion, you are like the🎤 voice of good sense and soundness (and so much more than that, too). Simply said- you the best💯. All of your videos are so spot on🎯. I can relate to something in every single one of them I watched. And I have learned and gained so much insight from your incisive videos and feedback. Thank you for really caring and providing a real helpful resource to the world. I can also relate to the way you reach out and shed your light on all of the topics you cover. I can even honestly say that's exactly how I needed to hear some of those things for the sake of myself; or that's how I would've wanted to deliver the information to others if I was in your shoes. And just like your book, your channel is pure gold! And you 💖 are the most precious gem of all! I'm even more impressed that you have been helping us all for a very long time. You are a Godsend 😇 and an answer to many prayers🙏🙏🙏. God has blessed you; and I hope that you know that you are a blessing to us all. I know that I'm forever thankful 👍👍👍. God bless you, Támara. And I wish you nothing but the best!
🥰😭😢 Thank you so much for these words of gold. God knows what we need to hear. Perhaps He knew this gracious language would push me another day forward. You have such a beautiful heart! Thank you!
@@TherapistTamaraHill😊 Thank you, again, Támara. This world needs more and more people like you- the real deal cream of the crop! You are definitely the gold standard. I appreciate every ounce you have put into building this truly valuable platform. It's perfect. It's always enlightening and fulfilling. It checks all of my boxes. You cover everything that I can say I wish I have known a long time ago- but I'm glad to know now. The way you help kindle the spark in our spirits is like Prometheus's passion to give fire to Mankind- except, you give us the fuel, too, for our inner flame that lights our individual pathways looking forward. You are providing the most valuable service to us all. Even if it's like ice skating uphill to teach a wretch how to fish, you make it seem as easy as rowing your boat down the stream and casting a net. So, I will always want you to know this and feel it, too- you're nothing less than a saint, in my opinion. I'm a big fan of what you have done, even if you were to stop and start doing something else. (And I'm pretty sure that you can have your individual flaws or vices, too, just like any one of us- but what matters is what you have done for others by using that amazing God given talent that you're so heavily anointed with. That surpasses everything). I can also say that if the powers to be were to block all of the useless and nonsensical content from our social media platforms, all of your content will still be here. You're teaching style has given me much needed affirmation, validation, clarity, closure, and even the language and a platform to express it, too. And so much more. Personally, I think you must be epitome of a truly amazing person. I never could've imagined that the biggest 💖 heart in the world would be reaching out to us all in the way that you have been doing. Someone prayed for this kind of help and healing, and God answered with the likes of you 😇. So, thank you again for even putting yourself out there like that and making yourself available for us.
Such a great video. This just further educates me and validates a lot of the thoughts and plans I had regarding my parents. I learned a lot from many other videos of yours as well. Thanks for putting in the work to learn, and then share.
Cognitive distance--really helpful new to me idea. All of this is good, clear, compassionate and developing cognitive distance is a way to make my solo life better. Any tips on mental processes I can try when my thoughts are circling around the abusers?
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Thanks for watching guys!
Do you feel you can't overcome your family "dysfunction?"
It's difficult. Not impossible.
I should actually point out that it was thanks to similar videos from you that helped me make the break away , so thanks Tamara.
💖💖You're welcome!
Im presently trying to study up and to learn something more about codependency, which i suspect i might struggle with . Yes i have many family who'd do things of what have made me question how we can ever be related.Ive even wondered, at times, if i'd been swapped over for another baby, in the hospital, at birth, or something I find it to be a hard situation for me to just decide to walk away from, and forget about , because of the way how i see how its also been "troubling" the lives of my nieces and nephews, as well. Your videos are greatly helpful. Thank you so much
Thank you! Glad they they are helpful.
I don't blame you. I have spoken to many people who could relate to you for sure. Sometimes you wonder if you're adopted!
@@TherapistTamaraHill thats been in my mind since i was little
You will be ridiculed and guilt-tripped but distance is truly key! Distance changed my life!
Very true. I agree!
I moved away and created my own family
And what do you do when they call you on being distant?! 😑
@@miro0o890 Yeah, exactly!! I guess you keep being distant and unless they want to change and choose to stop being toxic then that is the consequence to your boundary of whatever it was that caused you to need distance. If they dont want you to be distant, they need to respect you. They use guilt to manipulate you but that is where you have to stay firm of your boundary will be walked all over. Its up to them, not you for the relationship to work.
Say you an adult, enjoying your independence. As is healthy. That’s what I said. They could not argue with that. I said it calmly and respectfully.
We must remember that it's totally OK to put ourselves first for protection of our mind and spirit. People say family is everything, but they don't necessarily act like it.
Agree 100%. Good point!
I totally agree with you. Our mental health comes first!
Yep! Actions speak louder than culturally ingrained labels
Brain washed By Toxic Family Life
You have said more in these 19 minutes than my own therapist has said in a year! Thank you. I have been feeling the need to cut off my own mother! She is toxic, not willing to heal, and in complete rage and anger. Thank you!!
Thank you! 😊 I'm glad this is helpful to you.
I was abused as a child and went no contact with my toxic family over two years ago, and I still struggle with loneliness. But I have more peace and self respect now than I’ve ever had before, so it’s better living without them than being abused.
This is the hardest step for most people which is why they refuse to go "no contact" and would instead endure the abuse. You are right "it's better living without them than being abused."
I can relate. I was verbally abused growing up. I haven't talked to my parents for 1.5 yrs. It was strange at first, but I was done with the toxicity and very negative influence. Hanging on to any contact with my Dad was slowly destroying me. My Mom won't leave him and everyone wonders why. She just won't.
Absolutely!
Same here...distanced, walked away, said nothing- but, nobody is asking me anything. It gets lonely- but, i do feel peace from the weird text, and dynamics. Peace, joy to you!
Absolutely 💯
I wasnt even aware i was living w a toxic family until now that im almost 40. So heart breaking to be longing for a mother’s love all my life and realizing that the person i love so much is the same person who gave me all this trauma by being emotionally distant and dismissive. I ask God why did he allow this .
Sending love 🙏
God loves you more than your mother. Stay very close to Jesus talk to Jesus. He (God) is before everyone and anyone.. Praise him..
Same, well i'm 27. I want to go back to God. But everytime I try and go back. I just remember thr things he let. Also never giving me reckoning of what my christian family did and did not do. I was starting to feel insecure of my own mind.... i want ti go back to God but It feels like I can't.
Their rejection is God's protection. I've been there, it's hard, but we must stay no contact so they don't hurt us again.
"Blood is thicker than water"
"Family is everything"
I disagree with that. YES!!!! 👏👏👏👏
you have no idea how much I appreciate you saying you disagree with and stand by that understanding and truth
Thank you 🙏🙏🙏🙏
I distanced myself from my mother last year and family members are not happy about my decision. But due to the peace I have now, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I’m actually in the process into not engaging with my family anymore I’m such a nice person I truly want the best for others but my family strips the life away from me 💔
Just starting myself.. im always the one trying to get the "piece"; and in done people walking over me.
They actually treat me like garbage. Im almost 30 and they have no respect for me.. its just super hard..
Tupac once said...
Just because you lost me as a friend doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that. I want to see you eat just not at my table.
Love that!
I like that!
thank you very much, I just got disowned by my family because I shared my mental abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse that drained me for 20 years! I was called ungrateful for remembering these trumas. I Pray I can heal fast they don't deserve my time.
This hit home. I walked away in my 20s, then everytime I try to come back, I get why I disengaged. I'm trying to get back to myself and I am done.
I have distanced myself from most of my family due to different reasons. It was the best decision I ever made. Thanks for another wonderful video Támara.
You're welcome Bart!
I did too growing up. My extended family just wasn't healthy. Wouldn't change it for anything.
Boundaries are limited in my family as well as they have no filter.
Amen to everything you are saying
Lol! For sure!
I feel like I’m the problem, no matter what I do to please them
Great information! I decided to go no contact with my toxic family. I was so lonely at first but now I feel free from all the emotional anxiety. When I finally looked back at my relationships with my dysfunctional family, I realized I was never happy in the relationship. I was just going along to get along and that's not living! I deserve to be happy with people who want the best for me.❤
Thank you!
Yes! very good points! It isn't living at all. It's rather depressing to say the least.
Me too. It wasn't easy to do but it does get better
I had to cut all my toxic family off and change my number 5 months ago my mom was the number and her 4 kids was the first I wanted to get away from. I changed my life got baptized and I’m working on getting closer to GOD the peace and calmness in my life at 48 is what I been missing all this time
Thank you...I had to move to another state to get away from my toxic family members. I am happier now. I have CPTSD and am working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. Thank God for people like you. You have a special gift.
Thank you! Amen. I claim that!
And thank God you are healing!
I’m literally moving away from mine to go to Florida this Friday, and even now I’m a whole mixture of emotions. I feel like I was meant to see this comment for the restoration of my sanity-
@@selenathetabby Never look back they're sick individually
Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation is walk away. That’s what i did. It was very hard, and shame and guilt got me in a bad way. I should have got therapy at that very moment.
Absolutely. It's a process. Some people need therapy while others do not. It just depends what's all involved in walking away.
I'm so used now to be alone, that ibmike it more than being wooth others. Because of cPTSS, i had the need to isolate me from everyone to recover from it and to edicate myself abt toxic and narc families and people, and now, i came to a point that i love it to do things alone the whole day, spending lots of time in nature, doing hiking and skiing holidays alone, going fro skiing and mtbiking .... It's now just me and myself. As the scapegoat, bullied my whole life through my own parents and siblings, i only trust myself, avfew friends, but don't want to be attached to much anymore to anybody, because friends come and go...
Yeah I needed this. I’m in a toxic family relationship and it’s definitely time for me to leave them
This was a really informative video. It was kind of a relief to hear you say that ''blood is thicker than water" , ''family is everything'', ''give them a second chance' is over rated.
My inner conflict is with setting boundaries and feelings of obligation.
Thank you Penny! I appreciate that. I'm hoping to do more videos of this kind.
That was an inner conflict of mine too. It's hard. It takes practice. And it takes courage.
People should be educated on not telling others what to do with their families like you don’t know that person behind closed doors nor would they put up with it
I struggle with the feeling of obligation as well. Know you are not alone and we are dealing with this all of this stuff collectively as a human family not just individual families.. blessings to you...And everyone here who is struggling right now...keep up the strength and courage to keep choosing you!!!
Wow. This was a great video! I feel so empowered ...you hit on everything!!
I am 58 yrs old and the baby sister of a very arrogant, self-entitled, smug individual. My whole life I have walked on eggshells around him and it has taken this long for me to wake up. He's bullied, manipulated, and has made me cry my entire life. He is 13 years older than I and only in a small window of time were we ever friends. He has humiliated, insulted me my whole life. I even think he tried to kill me as a baby...he was supposed to have been 'watching' me and I fell down the basement stairs. My mom says I somehow bounced off the cement floor on the bottom of the stairs and was not hurt at all. Anyway, my dad passed a few months ago, I was his caregiver, and my brother came over a few days before our dad died. He came over to call me a dumb b%#ch. I was shaking uncontrollably because he was so full of rage. I feel so full of hatred towards him because everything over all the years finally came bubbling up to the surface. I have since blocked him and ignored him at my dad's viewing. It has been hard but I'm now working on myself and trying to find out everything I can to learn about myself and this family dynamic I came from. Thank you so much again for your clarity and upfrontness about this subject matter. This helps me so much 🌈.
Ms. Hill is a highly intelligent lady. Many smart people don't understand what aloneness is like for other people. Smart people have a richer life of the mind. We talk to ourselves more than other people and on average enjoy solitude more. We get more out of learning. To anybody reading this who is having a hard time with aloneness, I suggest that you take on the challenge of learning a couple of things that you have always been curious about but never really had a handle on. Also, try listening to college lectures, TED Talks, and interviews of smart people. You might find yourself thinking in a way that is more conducive to solitude.
First time I come a cross your channel, very helpful, I want to know how to stop feeling bad because I am walking away from family members,I lived with my son and grandchildren along with my ex-husband. I moved out physically and and I wanted to strong emotional, I work 7 days a week and I have nothing I saved money 💰, but somebody have to asked they needed it more. I have decided to moved with no stable job, no car 🚗, no money 💰. Because it’s cost me more being here living in their homes. I am feeling guilty because I love them all but I need to save myself. emotionally, financially and psychologically. I thank you for helping people like me get on with their lives. I am retired I worked so I can buy what I needed,and wanted. But always empty handed. But I decided to end my suffering. I will follow your channel to learn more, thank you 😊
Thank you! I'm glad this video has been helpful.
I'm sorry for your struggles within this family dynamic. You are doing the right thing by trying to push forward despite their behaviors and become more stable. I hope you are doing well now.
I’ve literally suffered with cognitive disengagement I have a lot of resent and bitterness towards both parents I’ve lived in the past and I’m now learning to heal
Thanks for sharing this. I think a lot of people feel this way about their families. Sometimes in order to cope with resentment and bitterness we have to disengage.
A new subscriber here - your professionalism and straightforwardness is welcoming in addition that you’re a licensed professional rather than someone that’s talking on their personal experience is even better!
Welcome to the channel!! And thanks so much.
Thank you. The only thing they want is for me to maintain communication with them, but I get so riled up! Emotional disconnection is key, got it. Thank you. It does seem cold, but effective. Gray rock!
You're welcome. Sometimes disconnection (in every sense of the word) is the right approach.
Amen regarding family being overrated and this idea that you should always be very close, regardless of their treatment of you and others. You are the second therapist I heard say that recently. If necessary, you can create your own family of trusted and healthy individuals outside of your own "blood".
I will listen to this a number of more times.
Currently healing through this. I had psychologically traumatic experiences when I spent 5 weeks with them back in 2017. It’s crazy how I’m just now starting to work thru this trauma! When I think of it, it still feels like it happened yesterday. They have started to come back around now that I’ve published my first book. Thank you so much for this video. It is much needed!
Thank you LM! That's kind of you.
I think family trauma stays with you forever. You learn to manage your thoughts and feelings about it and you learn to manage your communication with them better as well. You can heal over time but it is a very long process.
I'm really loving this channel, I just found it and it has been incredibly helpful in both validating this struggle and understanding how to heal through it. Fun fact: the full phrase for "blood is thicker than water" is actually about putting friendship over family! The full phrase is "blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb!"
Thank you @SJ!! I'm sorry I missed this comment. Welcome to the channel!
The motorcycle 😂. I can't believe the timing!! I cut off my mother...I realized she is a sociopath and has been messing with my head and life since childhood. I am so grateful for your videos. I have so much shame I am trying to release! Therapy has helped me so much!! I had no idea, I am also going through the diagnostic process for Asperger's!
I know! LOL It's like someone knows I'm recording.
Thanks! I'm really glad these videos are helpful on your journey! It's a process but with the right supports and the right knowledge about who you are diagnostically, emotionally, psychologically, etc. you can do well moving forward.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you!! 💚 :) I have faith now, I am seeing the light at the end of this period
Going through distance myself after 31 years of verbal abuse by older sister this definitely help me thank you
I'm sorry. But I'm glad you feel this was helpful. All the best on your journey ahead.
Thank you 🙏🏼 going through it right now and hoping for the healing process to continue, ur word spoke to my souls and I can’t appreciate you enough ! Much Respect and love 💕
Thank you 💓I' m so glad this was helpful to you! I wished so badly growing up with a complicated family dynamic that I had someone to talk me through this and understand what I would be facing. It's renewing to know someone else gets it!
Distance kept me sane but I loved what you said about outsiders. I fight those pressures and I’m grateful for your advice.
I’m full of tears as I watch. I haven’t found my alone yet. But with every part of me I believe you are going to help me be a healthy woman who can progress in all parts of myself. Thank u in advance for all I believe you will be to me. Back to the video
You're welcome. 🙂😢 I'm sorry that you have had to experience the pain of this. I can almost "hear" in your comment how deep that pain may go. I do hope that you find healing on this journey.
THANK YOU, my heart is overjoyed to hear that I did the right thing for cutting my family off. My grandmother's daughters put me through hell, until the day they died. I tried to bond with my grandfather's side, and they're worse.
They're the "spiritual" ones & one upper. They have all the answers for everyone else's business, but gravely fail to do their hard work to answer their own hard questions. I'm older, so when I discerned their toxic patterns, I started documenting, getting proof; they play a dirty game of gaslight, and heavily into a triangulation.
They say I'm paranoid, yet whatever I said or thought came to fruition. I even had people to bear witness.
Mind you; their personal losing endgames is a dead giveaway; they're the generational curses. I've been through everything you described.
I started therapy and told them in hopes of; they would also go; they challenged the process and exacerbated matters.
Miss Universe has been good to me by making me an introvert; I truly believe It's why I cut them off briskly.
You're welcome!! That validation is always helpful!!
It's a good thing that you distanced yourself and it appears at the right time. You owe it to yourself to connect with healthier people and healthier things. You only have one life and if they can't behave appropriately in it, say goodbye.
You are truly a breath of fresh air and a wealth of knowledge. Thank you I will follow and subscribe 😊
Thanks so much and welcome!!
❤You Have a Truly Wonderful Gift in Contextualizing what, just a Few years ago, Felt Like Extemely Toxic, Murky, Shark infested Waters filled with Broken Glass & Rusty Cans.
* So Grateful & Hopeful too
✌😊
Definitely. true.I have given them my ❤️myself its still not getting any better with them. the divel is controlling them
This is actually really helpful for me. I had been struggling with my own family since we let in my sister's family. They were homeless and we really wanted to help but they were so abusive since the moment they got to our house from screaming insane things like "drug house" to ugly or saying I was out of line or crazy for standing up for myself or mentioning something that was concerning. It really sent me spinning just trying to understand it, and it has escalated to my whole family seeing me differently. It's really difficult but I am trying to better get a grip on that whole distancing is best. Something that isn't so easy, but I find your posts really comforting and helpful through these times. So thank you. ❤️
You're welcome. :)
I'm glad to hear that! Thank you! I will try to do more videos like this moving forward.
It sounds to me as if these individuals need help in more ways than you think. There is an unstable dynamic often created in toxic families like this. In order to break the dynamic you have to distance yourself so you become a bit more objective and then make your move. Sorry to hear this.
This is the BEST Video I have ever seen on toxic family home. You always see videos on the net about getting a second chance with your narcissistic parent, that they also have childhood traumas and bla bla bla to make you feel guilty about going no contact. Thanks a lot Tamara . Love you xxx
I m about to move out of my toxic family home into my apartment in less than 2 months. I am so grateful and happy to end this toxic cycle in my life and Rebirthing Myself
Hi Marika,
Thank you!! I'm glad this was helpful! And I agree. One of the reasons why I felt the video was needed. We don't get enough of these topic!
Yes. I can't blame you! Congratulations in your new life. It really will feel like a new life.
You are such an awesome strong woman. Thank you for putting all this out there. Your videos resonate with me so much it’s not even funny. It’s like you know my life
I'm so glad! You're welcome!!
And thank you for these kind words🥰
Thank you for your advice.
My older brother inherited my mothers house but she said it was ok for me and my siblings to live there. I have been dealing with a toxic, narcissistic and manipulating brother. So controlling stoping me from having friends over constantly threatening to kick me out when I speak my mind when he does something wrong. The other day our house was messy. He kicked my bedroom door off and trashed my room and attacked me. I’ve told my partner I’ve come to understand that I will need to move on from my toxic family and accept I will be alone. 💔
*you only feel some type of what , because of gulit*
Move foward... dont look back. Dont run back to them. Prove to yourself that you get this
Thankyou for this. I'm dealing with things just like this with my daughter who's 41 now and my granddaughter who's almost 22. Oh there's so much. I'm a born again Christian, they aren't..there's been so much rejection and hurt they have done to me with rejection, accusations that's not true. Ignoring me..this all happens off and on..I walk on eggshells and it breaks my heart. But this info helps me to really think that I can't let this destroy my happiness and my self esteem..and get me in the pits anymore..so Thankyou Tamara 💓
You're welcome! ☺
And I'm sorry to hear this. No mother wants this. No grandmother wants this. I'm very glad that this video may have opened up some new areas of understanding.
Amen and Amen. The wisdom that is being spoken in this video is very precious and true... God bless you sister...
❤Thank you and God bless you too!
Hi I am new here, loving your videos.. I like the being a lone one..I believe you have to get use to being a lone, and not stay in a bad relationship because you don’t want to be lonely...Good advice.... 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.
Thank you Karen! :)
I have to remind myself of this very point sometimes.
I had a sociopathic father and have a narcissistic brother. The emotional pain and strength that comes from this is debilitating. I just want a normal family and a brother to love me. Knowing after trying to give my brother chances for over 15 years and he still chooses not to care about my feelings. Learning about narcissists is giving me strength to acknowledge my brother will never love me. He is incapable of loving anyone but himself and that will never change. Grieving that lose of hope😢
I have had to face toxic family for so many years and at 30 those memories sometimes still bother. My mom abused me physically and is a dominant personality and the sibling being a violent manipulator. There was no support from dad either. Putting up with them for so many years had taken a toll on my mental health. To become independent and distance from them took me some time. Now I want to completely clear away from their memories and sometimes that creates bad vibes and stress within me. families are supposed to support each other, not create manipulative traps and bondage.
I distanced myself from my mother last year. My sister helped me out and I’m grateful for her assistance, but my mother still controls her. Because of this I’m very careful about what I say to her and I hate this. Years ago my sister blamed me for “breaking up the family” because she believed the lies my mother told. I know that on some level my little sister still struggles with all this but I also know she won’t really listen to me. We are not toxic to one another, and I don’t want to let go of her, but I don’t fully trust her either. Distance has saved me from self-destruction but I still feel the reach of my mother through my sister. If I let her ago, I wouldn’t have any connection with my nephew and niece. That is the real tragedy. My mother will always be a hateful, manipulative sociopath or psychopath. I wish my sister could understand that.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I say this A LOT on this channel but it's true...I'm sorry. We don't deserve familial abuse. That's not okay. It sounds like a lot of boundaries have been crossed and re-establishing those boundaries may consist of building distance between you, only communicating about certain things, and refusing to talk about anything that could move that boundary. Stay tuned because I will be talking about managing these situations in a live video soon.
Great video ... going through the process now of cutting out of my life a toxic family member it’s just difficult bc we have so many mutual friends and of course others family members so detaching can get sticky ... would love to see another video on the physical and emotional aftermath and healing from having to cut certain family members out of your life..
Thank you!
I know exactly what you mean in terms of a messy detachment. It's a tough process to navigate because some family may try to influence you to lower your guard.
I do have a variety of videos geared toward healing but will add your suggestions to the list.
I recently let go all of my immediate family and extended family. I come from a large family and was the youngest of all my cousins. My oldest cousins are about 25 years older to 5 years older and there are about 50 first cousins. My 3 brothers were 15, 12 and 5 years older. My immediate family was an alcoholic and abusive father and 3 older brothers that took out their angst on me physically and emotionally which continued into adulthood. My mom was a good person but due to my father a lot of things were left alone. I finally had my eureka moment recently on why I feel so uncomfortable even though I don’t have anything to do with my family anymore. It’s that I was criticized from all sides so much for anything I tried when I was growing up and into adulthood that I don’t know how to act now that I don’t have that happening. I have my own company now and I have this project that would provide for generations if it is completed and works out. There is no one critical or belittling me so I’m stuck in a paralysis as often as an adult I’d take an “I’ll show you” attitude to things. But that only got me through college. Now I’m 50 and no one tells me anything and it feels uncomfortable to the point where I don’t know how to proceed some days even though I am aware and have seen similar projects in my industry executed. At least the weight is off and I figured out my sticking point. Now to move ahead.
Yeah my grandma would say “tellin a story” instead of saying “lying” lo I definitely relate to that lmfaoo I don’t understand why they taught us that .. that’s so weird lol
I love this as its given me more reasurance about the distancing from the toxic unhealthy controlling sociopathic and narssasitic family that i had. Its took some time and a whole lot of courage to do it.and your so right about outsiders who try dragging you back, i was and still do hear the same rhings you mentioned blood is thicker than warter, and cant you just forgive and forget i have forgiven i will never forget but im living in peace so thank you for this video Tamars it stops all thise nagging little but what if's in my head. Once agai i feel that much more empowered.
I should actually point out that it was thanks to similar videos from you that helped me make the break away , so thanks Tamara.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You addressed the statement I made about family and friends asking you to forgive. You caused me to think about forgiveness as still being possible but that doesn't mean you have to be bothered. I have always lived by the notion that you can forgive in your heart but that doesn't mean you have to be abused by them.
@@TherapistTamaraHill absolutely i agree. I found that forgiving them allowed me to feel somewhat at peace with myself, I didn't have to tell them I just accepted what I can't change and forgave them then it felt les raw and more manageable for me. I don't bother with them because they are no good for me.
Your family issues are similar to mine. I have great friends and I choose the healthy family I want to add value to my life and theirs. Has been so much progress. I use to love family till the rose tinted glasses came off. The FAMILY you are born into is not everything! You can choose the family you want to grow and share with
@@bbdass4598 TOTALLY AGREE WITH THAT
I am going through this right now and am so scared to be alone.. but I know that I have to do this for me because staying around them will kill me. Thank you for this, it helped me a lot.
Matthew 10:36..."Your worst enemies will be members of your own family"...
So Sad, but true!
Stay strong! 👠👒👜
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for saying that family is NOT EVERYTHING. 🙏 In my case, blood is definitely not thicker than water. My close friends are my family.
You're welcome! It's a truth we need!
All of this are things that I learned early in life, but went long to TRY to get along for my late mom's sake and all of the Bible stuff that she believed in. I waited some 3 years after her death to "Let The Lord Handle It" and these folks are bigger devils than I remember since childhood through my early adult years. Nothing's changed...but me! I don't bother with ANY of these people these days and I feel a much better sense of relief. Thank you for this video. I will certainly forward it to a really good buddy of mine who's faced with this same type of situation.
You're welcome! So many people, admittedly or not, can relate. Sometimes, as I stated, you just have to walk away.
@@TherapistTamaraHill So True! I believe that one has to STAY away as well. I've given 2nd chances all for things to be worse.
I wish I would have known this like 10 years ago. Sad the abuse was projected much on me. I starter to become like them now they try and I agree learning to be completely alone is great and necessary. I wish I could have gotten the law against mine cuz I fell in their trap of of all what they are and did reversed on me. I was too late. Now its straight no more family and hopefully a new world, new life, new love as learning to embrace such harsh Realty's cause trauma on top of trauma. Sounds cliché but like lil whayne I never knew how to love cuz I had none growing up. I had expectational, conditioned love. No hugs, no tears allowed, yeah cognitive repairing. New mind ! I love me and I deserve love, I am enough. Very powerful affirmations I suggest for those dealing with painful trauma to say at least one time out loud a day and when triggered. Let the happiness back in !
Thank you I struggle with this my mom is from Colombia and has a very abusive way of talking to me and loved one she defends it by that’s how I am and I’m not going to change for nobody
That's not an excuse. She can change if she wanted to but it's obvious she has little respect.
I love this video!!! Thanks for posting. I just recently made the decision to cut ties with my toxic family. I was getting pulled into a situation and things I said to an in law who was getting attacked by my family got back to them and I have been attacked a few times. I had to let go of some death bed promises with my mom when she passed to "stay close" to my family.
Thank you Chris! I'm glad this was helpful. And you're welcome!
This is a tough situation indeed. I've been there personally and professionally. You have to uphold your mental health despite what is going on.
Hey there. This is a great video, distance has helped me. Was great finding your video. Strong boundaries are essential.
Glad it was helpful! Thank you!
Great advice about being alone and being ok with it
Thank you so much for your message, very timely in my current situation, I needed this to reinforce my family decisions. I'm done with being emotionally abused.
You're welcome!! It's an uncertain path but sometimes gets better the more you learn about yourself and the truth along the way.
Hi Tamara, I just want to say thank you for everything you do and making videos that cover topics that are not normally talked about or is frowned upon by society.
I’m so grateful to have a resource like your channel to help me heal and empower myself in hopes of a more happier fulfilling life.
Much thanks 🙏
EXCELLENT. so glad I came across this older video. Thank you for your work and generosity
You are very welcome! and thank you for watching.
Thank you for the insight and wisdom into my situation, like your own. You are a medicine woman, Tamara!
You are so welcome! And thank you. :)
I may need to pen and paper this one and listen again. Thank you Tamara. Very helpful!!
5:58 its really hard to distance yourself when you wake up to the fact that they wont change and don't care as a teenager.
This video absolutely changed my life. You definitely hit the nail on the head on everything I've been experiencing with my family members. Thank you so much ❤️!
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome and Thank you!
Your videos are so well-needed right now in my life, so thank you, Tamara. Everything you said in this video I could identify with when it comes to the massive toxic leeches in my family tree, and as to why I choose to separate myself from them, just to cleanse my spirit of that negativity.
I'm so glad to hear this. Glad this was helpful! And thank you!
It's a major process to distance from unhealthy family but once you do you can't deny the freedom you feel.
I am so glad I found your channel. God bless you and all that you are doing to help all of us who have dealt with some really crazy stuff!
Thank you so much! Glad to have youbon the channel. Welcome and God bless you too.
You mentioned that, "if not treated, borderline personality could form." This is very interesting and I would like to hear more.
I might try to incorporate this topic at some point soon. You might find some information on this in one of my recent videos: th-cam.com/video/Nd97mPML4Fc/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for this powerful video. This has really given me clarity and made me feel like I’m not insane. I recently found this channel and I’m loving all the content. It really makes me feel I can gain strength to help myself.
Thanks so much!! :) Very glad to hear that these videos are helpful. And welcome to the channel!
Oh my god this is so liberating, thank you so much! ❤️💛💚💚💜🖤
You're welcome!! This is good to hear.😊❤
This is definitely helpful in regards to all ways of life and relationships. I’m so glad my friend sent this to me
Glad it was helpful!
This was so great!
So glad this video showed up on my channel. There is such little information for us adults who dealt with these types of parents. Very helpful.
Thank you Bianca! I'm glad this was helpful. :)
Thank you very much for this beautiful video which I needed the most . I will use this tips in this video to Heal from my toxic siblings trauma.
I found this at the PERFECT TIME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!
You're welcome!!😊
So Happy i ran across your channel. thank you for your knowledge and being honest (saying the hard things that need to be said) you are like a breath of fresh air , finally someone who can help me by showing me how to move through my traumas and dysfunctional relationships, I have subscribed to your channel and so excited to dive in and watch your videos, thank you again you are appreciated.
Thank you so much for these kind comments! And welcome to the channel. 🤗 Glad to have you. If you haven't already, please join me LIVE every Friday between 6:25pm and 7:45pm.
Your video came across just in time...totally nailed it and thank you so much for the insight.
So glad this was helpful!!
And thank you.
What about that family member that disrespects you behind your back and when you address them on how their behavior makes you feel, they disregard and send I love you texts 2 days later like nothing happened? That’s exhausting to me and very irritating🤦🏾
Thank you for this, I struggling with my mom and my sister, I can't comunícate with them in a healthy, normal way, they are rude, and always unvalidate my feelings, they are cold, and I tried and tried to be more close to my sister and she always responding me in a disrespecful way and for my mom that's normal, im the difficult one, she says that I get mad over nothing, but my sister is always rude to me. I can't with that. I moved to other country to be away from that, but still hurts, they don't change, they don't see anything wrong in their behavior. I always tried to be close to them but my sister its so cold, barely talk to me, she always been that way, and also my mom is hard to comunícate, she never understand what I said, she yell, she ltell me that I always make problems just because I want a close, affectionate family, but I never have that maybe I won't
Thank you sooo much for this. I feel so validated.
Thank you for this video💗
Gave me alil comfort today dealing with major toxicity in my family.
I like the part...where u say..be ok with being alone....that is what im struggling with. I'm so afraid to cut them off. But i have to find some distance. They are causing major stress to me🙁
Hi K,
I understand. It is hard but once you "grow" into it you will realize you are much healthier. It's a process.
Law of Attraction with the motorcycles 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
Right?!🤣🤔
I love your channel. Information, Validation leads to healing path. Thank you!
Thanks so much Makayla! :) And you're welcome!
You are amazing!
Thanks so much!❤
Powerful Thankyou 🙏
Thank you 🤗 And you're welcome.
I have toxic sisters who are manipulating my mother and I’ve recently moved back after20years living away, I moved into the family home to live with my mother as my father recently passed away so putting distance between them & I is difficult. I try to lead the peaceful/ non drama lifestyle.
Now I’m being dragged back into it just by associating with my mother again as my mother is passing me on messages, despite me stating I don’t want to hear anything about them, as they are triggering mental pain in me . The manipulation is getting to me through my mother, as she isn’t seeing what my sisters are doing. I am in mental pain right now, I don’t know how much more I can take. and No, I can’t moved out at this moment in time- it’s now my plan to move as soon as I can
Marianna, thank you for watching and sharing this. Many of my previous clients had similar situations and it only leads to more stress if you get sucked into this unhealthy dynamic. I've been here too. I would suggest explaining to your mom that this is a very unhealthy dynamic and that you really don't want to engage in the "mess" if you don't need to. I'm so sorry. This is very stressful. I would even seek out psychotherapy for yourself as you need an outlet and possible suggestions from a professional.
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC
Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate your advice. Infact I decided I should take action after watching your video. It definitely motivated me to do something about this. I am actively looking at psychotherapists in my area as I’m well aware of the importance for me to clear & heal my thoughts/mind in regards to these family dynamics 💗
You're welcome!! This is a great first step!🙌 Good for you. I wish you the best on this journey.
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC thank you so much. I appreciate you and the videos you have shown in highlighting these particular family issues as I really thought I was alone and luckily I’m very open in talking and getting things off my mind 💗 keep it going
In regards to Getting the law involved sometimes it has to come to that unfortunately and the more we delay the distance and the reality of the gravity of the situation the more it escalates and then has to be taken to the next level. I can’t tell you how much your topics are helping me right now through an incredibly sad, difficult and challenging situation. 🙏🏼
Yes, very true. That's my point!
And thank you so much! Very glad these videos are helpful. I do hope they provide some peace. I know I've needed peace in the past and finding that special book, article, or video did just the thing I needed to keep me fighting and pushing ahead.
Welcome to the channel. I don't remember seeing your display name on the channel in the past.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I’ve just started watching... I think I may have done a search about dealing with dysfunctional family members. I’m pretty sure that’s how you popped up for me. 🙏🏼 I’m trying to find
resources to get through this mostly on my own and help me to understand that what I’m dealing with is real. It can be hard to really know this when you have been raised in the toxic environment, it feels normal. I’m struggling with a lot of guilt and feelings of this being my fault . Like if only I could be this or that or more patient or if I didn’t do this ...then that wouldn’t have happened. It’s a real deep wound and everything in my life is now being questioned because of this. Thank you again for your work, there aren’t a lot of people talking about this right now. You are a true blessing to me during this time and for the world as well. ☀️🌻💛
@@DeepDivingDiva333
WOW!!..I could've written this!
Learning about (CEN)... Childhood Emotional Neglect helped me tremendously!
It's definitely not your fault!
Stay strong and safe! 🙏
Great stuff! Thanks for talking about this topic. That old saying "blood is thicker" has actually gotten warped and turned backwards in its meaning: it originates in European Christianity, meaning that the blood of the covenant (i.e. practice of communion in your chosen congregation) is stronger than the water of the womb.
Thank you!! And you're welcome.
My grandfather was a pastor for over 20 years and this is my first time hearing this. Interesting perspective.
Love your channel! Could you speak more on the being alone aspect of healing? That is where I'm at in my healing journey.
Thank you 😊 I will add this to the list for sure.
Thank You so much this really helps me at the moment. I just rtecently cut ties with a alcohol abusing toxic sister, and it really breaks my heart....
I'm sorry David. 😔 I know it's really tough. It gets easier once you realize how free you are now.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks Tamara
this is helpful and I'm doing this
Lots of love for you sharing insight and words in this video. Thank you. ❤
❤ Thank you! Glad it was helpful!
Wow!!!! You are so on point. So glad I found your Chanel. Thank you so much. This has been so helpful and meaningful to me.
Welcome! Glad to have you on the channel. And thank you!
Omg you are talking to me. I love your videos. I wish you were in my area for therapy. Your always so nurturing and transparent. I appreciate your work.
Thanks so much!! 😊
Thanks Támara! I'm so amazed with you! You💫 are so exceptional! In my opinion, you are like the🎤 voice of good sense and soundness (and so much more than that, too). Simply said- you the best💯.
All of your videos are so spot on🎯. I can relate to something in every single one of them I watched. And I have learned and gained so much insight from your incisive videos and feedback. Thank you for really caring and providing a real helpful resource to the world.
I can also relate to the way you reach out and shed your light on all of the topics you cover. I can even honestly say that's exactly how I needed to hear some of those things for the sake of myself; or that's how I would've wanted to deliver the information to others if I was in your shoes.
And just like your book, your channel is pure gold! And you 💖 are the most precious gem of all!
I'm even more impressed that you have been helping us all for a very long time. You are a Godsend 😇 and an answer to many prayers🙏🙏🙏. God has blessed you; and I hope that you know that you are a blessing to us all.
I know that I'm forever thankful 👍👍👍. God bless you, Támara. And I wish you nothing but the best!
🥰😭😢 Thank you so much for these words of gold. God knows what we need to hear. Perhaps He knew this gracious language would push me another day forward.
You have such a beautiful heart! Thank you!
@@TherapistTamaraHill😊 Thank you, again, Támara. This world needs more and more people like you- the real deal cream of the crop! You are definitely the gold standard.
I appreciate every ounce you have put into building this truly valuable platform. It's perfect. It's always enlightening and fulfilling. It checks all of my boxes. You cover everything that I can say I wish I have known a long time ago- but I'm glad to know now.
The way you help kindle the spark in our spirits is like Prometheus's passion to give fire to Mankind- except, you give us the fuel, too, for our inner flame that lights our individual pathways looking forward.
You are providing the most valuable service to us all. Even if it's like ice skating uphill to teach a wretch how to fish, you make it seem as easy as rowing your boat down the stream and casting a net. So, I will always want you to know this and feel it, too- you're nothing less than a saint, in my opinion. I'm a big fan of what you have done, even if you were to stop and start doing something else.
(And I'm pretty sure that you can have your individual flaws or vices, too, just like any one of us- but what matters is what you have done for others by using that amazing God given talent that you're so heavily anointed with. That surpasses everything).
I can also say that if the powers to be were to block all of the useless and nonsensical content from our social media platforms, all of your content will still be here. You're teaching style has given me much needed affirmation, validation, clarity, closure, and even the language and a platform to express it, too. And so much more. Personally, I think you must be epitome of a truly amazing person.
I never could've imagined that the biggest 💖 heart in the world would be reaching out to us all in the way that you have been doing. Someone prayed for this kind of help and healing, and God answered with the likes of you 😇.
So, thank you again for even putting yourself out there like that and making yourself available for us.
Such a great video. This just further educates me and validates a lot of the thoughts and plans I had regarding my parents. I learned a lot from many other videos of yours as well. Thanks for putting in the work to learn, and then share.
Thanks so much! :) Glad it was helpful! And you're welcome. I appreciate your acknowledgement of the work involved. Feel honored to share for sure.
Cognitive distance--really helpful new to me idea. All of this is good, clear, compassionate and developing cognitive distance is a way to make my solo life better. Any tips on mental processes I can try when my thoughts are circling around the abusers?