@@KimberleeMelissa totally agree. They are like a shark. If you get in the water or into their world they will eat you alive. However, if you remove yourself from their world they then have no power over you and at that point they are no longer a shark, they are just another fish.
@@robertaturk actually their technique starts with an attack, maybe the silent treatment ( a famous piece of abuse). After days of you trying to determent why this silent time is happening, you just give up and say "will if you don't want to engage with me, I guess I'll just enjoy this quiet time." After a few more days pass they then turn the tables saying" I guess you don't want to fight for this relationship and that silents is your immature way of fixing things." Now it is your fault that the silent treatment lasted for weeks and started in the first place. No matter how much you try and defend it, you will be gas lit until your head spins. It was only later that I found out this is done deliberately to mentally destroy you all the while you are thinking "we" are fighting for this relationship together. If you are in a relationship with with one of these people, ignore what the good doctor is saying in this video. Your only salvation is to get out. Trust me when I say get out and stay out.
They NEVER quit ask why?..Because I live with one and there relentless aggression never ends..it WILL take its toll on you if you unfortunately have to live with one…
True story and I'm living proof! (20 years of torture)! Or better yet, should I say "I'm leaving proof". 3 yrs out and learning to live again! Good luck to all of you that are victims of narcs! ❤
My husband would say things to me and then days later deny it, or he would not tell me something and then insist that he had told me. I thought I was going crazy. I have lived for over 40 years with this man and lived a life of self doubt. I've recently started recording conversations and these recordings have proven that that I'm not crazy. After 42 years of "crazy" I'm moving out and starting a new life at age 70. My advise to anyone.... don't do what I did, don't put up with less than what you deserve, don't make excuses for their behaviour. I have reflected on my own contribution to the problem and realise that I'm a people pleaser because my mother was also a Narcissist and we were brought up to "keep the peace".
Very good analysis of what you endured. I am very happy for you that could eventually get out of it. Enjoy your new life and freedom to the most. Do not let him get you back to him. Your freedom and the sanity of your soul is the most precious thing you own. If you have children they must be very proud of you to have started over at 70. ❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤
I left on my 62 birthday. Happy Birthday to me. I wasn’t living, l was just existing. Got a van, sold my house, now travelling. Day 7. Absolutely no plans, whew after years of holidays with a calendar and schedule all marked out on calendar. Was hard year as nearly 63, but going to find me and travel coast western Australia. Doesn’t matter what l do. For once l have options. Scary and exciting.
"Staying with a narcissist is totally self-destructive." I think that's a cruel thing to say about adult "children" who are tethered to their narcissistic parents because of elder care responsibilities ... and a Google around the internet might help one discover that's a much bigger problem than you might think
But what do you do when the narcissist in your life is your adult child who lives with you and is abusive? If I leave my home, my child and grandchild will end up homeless.
I made this mistake. Fell for my narc who told me that he had broken up with the mother of his kids. I never wanted kids but became step mum to his three, then we wanted kids of our own. Two kids down (youngest is 4 months) and I’m now aware of the total fiction that I was made to believe. He is a cheat, a liar and I now wish I had never met him.
As a licensed mental health professional, a narcissist is *not* going to change. That is false hope and could put you in harm's way (either physically or psychologically) waiting for them to change. They won't. You must protect yourself.
Oh well said, absolutely correct. This so called narcissist expert is just a grifter and doesn't actually know what he is talking about. Narcissm is a closed system, they can't change, there is no them, they're just empty vessels of insecurity and spite, demons in human form.
I'm an empath, and the best thing I've learned is that when a narcissist wants to start an argument, stare into the narcissist's eyes without blinking or saying one word. When the narcissist blinks or looks down, walk away. A narcissist gave me this trick, and it works. 😂
@@teresamcalister7096 Some of us are highly emotional and reactive when hurt 🤕 bcos sensitivity can play a part. I imagine a glass wall between me and them .Anything toxic stays on their side of the wall 🧱
Empaths are genuinely forgiving. It is not up to us to fix. Our Nature is doing good; we are not here to judge. Survival mode is needed for self-preservation. When in crisis, God is always here and never left our side. That’s believing: the Inner Child is waiting for your LOvE. 💕
That is so sad, but very true. Hard to admit that to myself after 53 years, but still I stick around so there must be something I need. My heart isn't in it anymore so atleast he doesn't "get to me" in that way. I'm observing him now. I'm loving towards him but not in love with him. He helps me out ( I just had vision surgery so I'm going to need help for quite a while so...) I keep praying for him. O know the Lord loves him & me too.
My elder sister is a narcissist. When I was younger and not fully independent, she would do every nasty trick in the Narcissist Book against me. When I slowly started gaining my independence, I started going against her slowly and she ramped up the tricks. As a fully independent man now, married and with kids, I couldn't stand it any longer. I took the fight to her in the most nasty way possible. I break all the rules of pampering a narcissist. I can't sit back and just be defensive. For a while, she started smearing me to people who love and respect me. I confronted her and warned her and she knew I was serious. Now she has stopped. I'm a West African and we have a saying here: Don't clap for a crazy person who suddenly starts to dance because they may think they're the best dancer in the world and wouldn't stop even if you want them to. Meaning: When a crazy person starts dancing, stop them as soon as you can. 😁
Ugh what if they have u literally stuck? I'm going back 2 therapy but ugh this is gonna destroy me even more of I can't get out of here & I know that's what they want I'm surrounded by 5 of them all "family" in my grandmothers basement bcuz she kicked my out of the place I was renting of...nd I'm 42 yrs old my privacy literally is robbed here the abuse is unimaginable literally as I'm writing this caught my mother whom doesn't evn live here looking over my shoulder 💔 they wanted me out if my place of living so bad made of lies for my mother to take over n now they continue to mess w my down here it's nver ending I'm loosing hair weight face is puffy from no sleep so health is declining..im so afraid that of I do get out if I will ever b the same as this isn't the first time I've been thru this with them
When you ignore them, you’ll drive them nuts. I lived with this narcissist, and I eventually just became apathetic to her nonsense. And one night walking thru the kitchen, she was screaming at me. I just kept walking, she attacked me. I mean a violent, full on attack. I wound up with a concussion. These people are evil.
I try to ignore my ex and he gets my attention by taking me back to supreme court.. he loves that! Can't wait till the child is older as that's the only thing that he has to use against me. He has the child full time so he just pays 5000 to get 1500 out of me.. that kind of stuff. I see it as a horrible chapter in my life that will be over in a few more years. I'm not sure I'll last though it's exhausting and draining in every way.
I’ve noticed a few people in my life, like my mom, uncle, and oldest friend, would often confront me suddenly in a rushed, panicked way or make quick assumptions or conclusions about me, triggering defensiveness. It felt like they were trying to provoke me or put me down to get an easy win. Recognizing these patterns became easier once I identified the narcissistic behaviors around me. Now, I’m getting better at staying calm and not reacting, but when I don’t take the bait, they often switch to playing the victim or getting angry.
Well, i've let a huge group of narcissists and their flying monkes mocking me, laughing at me, calling me an idiot behind my back and i just quietly walked away. But one day i calmly and politely shocked the s**t out of them by presenting very hard to swallow evidences that proved that they were ALL wrong when they laughed at me. Now they all feel like an idiot themselves. "Laugh now, cry later"...
Well done. I decided to become the CEO of my life, the boss of me. WOW l changed and never got upset, cause l was the boss of me, with everyone and everything.
Yeah. Plenty more occasions for you to practice the grey rock of non-responsiveness. Staring at one of their earlobes is good for when they push their face in front of you and start on the verbal. Grey rock. Stare at the ear lobe. Let your self get bored so that you break away suddenly because you've just remembered you've got x to do. Close your ears. You've got stuff to do.
And write down every weird thing they do even if you dont think there's anything wrong with it. Then wait a few weeks and read it back when the incident even emotionally fresh. The black and white will tell a different story than what you think happened.
If I consistently need to go into hiding in my own home to find peace, believe me I would not be living there much longer. Either let me have peace at home, or I will make a home where you are not present and I do have peace.
I was doing that exact thing , hiding in my home , reserving 4 hr slots at the library until my husband went to work , doing way to much to avoid his constant anger and raged attacks. Takes a toll on your health. Recently moved out for my peace , sanity and safety .
A 'friend' just moved in and the gaslighting started immediately. She started fights over EVERYTHING. Nothing I owned was good enough for her exacting taste, If I placed something momentarily until my hands were free I was purposely disregarding her right to that space, playfully shot a rubber band at her and it was an attack, driving 35mph at night on country roads was too reckless while she tailgated at 80mph on the interstate, on a trip she argued and demeaned me for ten hours while she would flirt with the guy fueling up next to us, totally misquote me to suit her need to be right and be a victim, on and on and on and on. Mercifully she left in a huff when I would not back her in a useless fight she picked with my grand daughter. Peace returns.
Don’t give a response. They ll get bored with trying to confront you. A fight is what they want Don’t give it to them, deprive them of their sick game. Seem like you don’t care if even on the inside you”re fuming. Also don’t over do it with trying to show you don’t care, Narcissists are more in tune with that than you may realize. It taken me a while to learn how to deal with them because I’ve dealt with so many in my lifetime. It may take trial and error on learning how to fake that your not bothered, the best thing that happens is you actually start not to let it bother you, which is probably why it begins to work. Fake it tell you make it kind of thing.
After trying to reason with a narcissistic husband for three decades, I have hit a wall. I'm saving up to escape since I can definitely not retire with him.
I wish you all the luck in the world. I put a little money aside for 10 years to make this escape. It was hard as all our money was shared and he would check where the money was going. I learned to be sneaky which didn't feel good but was definitely essential. I became much less honest than I was comfortable with.
do what ever you have to in building your escape fund. And do not tell anyone. You never know which trusted friends and relatives will report back to him.
In a perfect world, it would not be about taking anyone’s power away. It is never about taking down anyone for me. It would be about free to be. So having the freedom to live and be how you wish to be.
Had to tell one lately that I was not going to argue with them. They continued to try to get me to argue. Finally just told them. That didn't phase them either. But when I pulled my phone up they got all quiet and left. Evidence.
They will tell you that they hate arguing and they don’t want to argue while arguing about every little thing you say. I didn’t realize that he was just getting narcissistic supply by pulling me into the argument. That’s why he says something and then Literally not even an hour later says he didn’t say it etc. He’s not losing his mind. He doesn’t have a bad memory. He’s trying to rope me into arguments. That is some twisted ish.
Pretend they have hired you to perform a service. Treat them like a customer or client. Client relationships rarely devolve because emotions aren’t involved. Feeling can still get hurt but for some reason you can write it off more easily when your deeper feelings aren’t involved.
-Differently- Thinking you can do or not do anything around a narcissist and expect a different result is wild. They don't respond any differently just because you respond differently. Their ultimate goal, no matter what is confrontation. You will never be treated better by reacting differently, you will only ever be treated worse because now you've caused the narcissist to have to change their normal routine of behavior. The only thing you can do is escape, cut off all communication, heal the best you can, become indifferent, and just move on however you do.
Yes, I agree with their behaviors. I’ve had several coverts in my life and God exposed this evil 2-1/2 years ago to me. I’ve always seen it but never understood it. I’m a truth-teller and they hate that about me. 😃🙌🏻
I happened across the film "Gaslight" way before people started using it as a term in the narc community. It's an interesting film in its own right, but my favorite thing about it is that it's Angela Lansbury's first film! She's AMAZING in it, and was only 19. :)
Living with a narcissistic man He says I'm evil and separates me from my children and my grandchildren by saying it's not the right time. He's controlling and is nasty to me. For 30 years now. I am trying to change the way I am and get strong
When my husband would say he wanted to talk. I would listen, but what he was saying I didn’t like or disagreed with. When I just wanted to talk, it would get all hell bent bc I didn’t see it his way. Di I gave up. Let him speak, get made bc i wouldn’t say a word. Just wait for him to leave in his car, & speed off or go to the garage. So much stress released when he just walked out the door. If he went up stairs thou , its was walking on stress. To be prepared at any given time. When he was sleeping , sometimes he was in an angrily argument with me in his sleep. Don’t think that didn’t go unnoticed in the morning. He was already mad at me. People say to leave. Can’t afford a place by myself. Would never impose on my kids, one has a family , kids, the other gets enough stress from a job. Family members got their issues also. Can’t happen. Just holding on barely, one day at a time. But , watch these videos once in a while for a support, ❤❤❤refresher course & reminders.
It's the same here too. There are no " conversations" just arguments. And for 48 years of hiding out during his childish meltdowns have seriously taken a tole on my health. Put me in the hospital last month. It was a welcome rest. Couldn't walk away with two kids. He gave me no money at all. No car unless he went too. Now that kids are grown and gone, I'm now stuck with another child at 73 in retirement. 😢 And it doesn't get better.
@@daythaheintzelman6634my husband is like a child and I am over his tantrums I will get strong I still work at 64 he is retired.. Now he's 68 I will by God's grace get strong. You will too
Stand in your truth!! Disengage from their circular conversations only cause confusion with their gaslighting tactics! Their GT’s will only create a backdraft back on them!! 🙏❤️🕊⚖️
Their conversations are a obticle course where they just throw things on the track, sticks, tire irons, a vicious dog, a piano another person or whatever is near by.
In my experience responding is candy to the narcissist, they want any response at all as an opportunity to say something demeaning and rude and blame us for what they started. I have expunged all narcissistic family members from my life, they cannot be reasoned with so i leave them alone entirely.The narcississts I know are in their 70's without any evidence of changing.
"Crisis can create growth." Thank you!! 👍😊 I desperately needed to hear something like that. My parents are my narcissists. Constant criticism. For over 25 years. I want to be a better person because of what I've been through!
Agreed. I am contending with an incredibly cruel narcissist that loves confrontation and is toxic as hell. She sabotages me whenever she can. I ignore her and just smile and walk away. It's been a process similar to taming a wild cat. I learned to keep my cool. Anything I say to her is simply a "matter of fact". There is no emotional content. She is an ugly, and cruel being. She's not going to change.
Thank you. The narc is on a spectrum. You can decide, can they be worked with. All the retaliation suggestions aren't always a good idea. But the UNDERSTANDING IS WHATS IMPORTANT. "Crisis can creat growth" for both parties. Unfortunately...while you grow, the narc may not
"Gaslighting to keep you in a state of confusion. " Oh Wow! This is so right on! So I'm talking to this car salesman who is supposed to be explaining the sales contract. But every time I ask him about a particular point, he changes it around. This goes on for a few minutes. I was really confused about what was happening. Now I get it! He is confusing me to make me vulnerable and give up trying to understand. It's a control tactic!. Sales tactic? Thank You. LoL.
When attacked by a narcissist, and accused of the very thing they are actually doing, I simply say, "no, that is incorrect", and then I turn my back and walk away. No further contact after that point. Narcissists are abusers and I refuse to tolerate that.
Dr Les Carter at his best! Thank you for asking him all the right questions. I’ve listened to so many videos, including Dr Carter’s Surviving Narcissism. “How does one survive narcissism?” The responses are brilliant- this is the clearest communication I’ve heard regarding narcissism. I finally get it. This collaboration includes the whys, the how-tos and what not-tos. I’m going to play this video over and over again until it is part of me - including memorizing these responses - which will defuse my reactions! Shedding my victim mentality is long overdue. Thank you both. 🌅
Recording them is a great method of dealing with them, I tried it and it worked, for a little while. Smartphones make it so easy and convenient. They don't want to argue if you recorded their words. Try it.
The narc turned from verbal + emotional abuse to physical abuse bc I was using my own cell phone to do what he was yelling in my face in an obviously very intimidating + threatening manner to do faster. He continues to deny ever being verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive despite, for example, stating "I was angry, so I have nothing to apologize for." Attempting to record him would have been met with even more of all types of abuse including the physical abuse. It was the first time the narc had become physically violent but not the first time he intentionally physically harmed me through other methods specifically meant to medically harm +/or kill me as a complexly multiply medically disabled person. Please be careful; we may not know what level of hell the narc is willing to further escalate.
My wife is a narcissist and I was able to end her argument by asking if she wanted a resolution or was just venting cause she's pissed off. She had to admit she was just venting
If they say what I said "was dumb", I politely ask, "Describe to me how that is dumb". Keep them talking and they will expose themselves to themselves.
Narcissists are not open to your opinion. There is their opinion and their opinion only! It is a complete waste of time, and energy, trying to discuss anything with them. Walk away, walk away, walk away!!!!!
Exactly what happened to me They tried to get me back I told them all the really crappy things they did, they apologized. I rembembered them threatening to break up with me to my face. He gaslit me and told me that’s not what happened. I didn’t respond or engage. 😮😮😮 I am a sigma I am a single mom, I have my own practice and I work. Transplant focus on myself, making my network and community. Being happy it did happen to me now I address life with discernment.
Omg omg omg!!! I’m only into this video for one minute and four seconds and just said what deal with all day. I not know it was a game. Lord, have mercy on my soul because I thought 💭 that as I tried to give my point that we were having a deeper conversation to grow together. Damn!!! I did not know this!!! I have listen to the first minute of this video just to hear the Dr. explain! Omg I feel so stupid. It’s a game! Omg BAIT yes omg I see it, I’ve been looking for answers fir years trying to make sense of what was happening, I could not figure it out so I would say I will work harder on me maybe I’m the problem. I go to church and I thought I was not being a good wife and of course I felt guilty every time I wanted to end it and go back hoping that just maybe this time he would see into me! Thank you 🙏 thank you 🙏 thank you for being willing to help hurting souls and not charge a dime. 💰 … you just don’t know how much you have help me today . My heart is broken and that’s ok, God sent you to share your wisdom just when I needed it the most! Thank you
I found that not arguing was best. I just listened, and let the what may came for the narc. And it usually fell thru, but I was not yo blame, because I gave no input. He made poor decisions all his life, and figured out the why behind his failures. You can't tell them anything, and I mean anything! NC, no comment is the best route.
I live with one and we are married but roommates, we share only rent and food. We don't get into each others business or life. We will be divorced one day, but I'm waiting to be able to afford to live alone. He will try to pick my nerves by stealing my property, but I just ignore the behavior and remove my important things from my area of the house. My son moved recently, so I have turned his room into my vault so I don't have to worry about him stealing anything.
Wow ! I am experiencing the same thing . He takes away little gifts that he bought but also my own stuff that i bought myself. He finds afterwards a reason why he did that. For example he stole my parfums and than he told the kids he is allergic to parfums.
There are two films named Gaslighting that were made around the same time. I only watched one of them a few years back. It was a pretty good film to me. Thanks for sharing this message, teaching, and video. God bless. THE JOY OF THE LORD IS YOU ALL'S STRENGTH. AMEN. HALLELUJAH. AMEN. ❤❤❤
A wonderful and inspiring video Dr. Carter. Sometimes it really helps to be able to be reminded when in this situation to shift your focus on the growth that is being achieved.
My first ex came home from work one day and yelled at me for the dishes being stacked wrong in the drying rack. My response was confusion and quiet. He continued to yell at me for half an hour during which time I walked into the bedroom and laid on the bed and cried. At about the half hour point I got up and decided I couldn't live with this anymore and put a couple changes of clothes into a bag and walked past him towards the door. Then he got angry that I was leaving and slapped and pushed me around. I didn't leave - that day. Moral of the story is, when you leave be careful and safe. 🤍
Glad you got out. I was engaged to a guy who'd come home and berate me like that. I planned my escape and moved out during the day while he was working. Boy was he surprised, and he bothered me for months after.
Get a restraining order or talk to a lawyer. These people don't quit when you leave and he's already comfortable with physical violence. Keep evidence and back ups in safe places. Be careful and safe.
@@MaryDunford It's so true that once that physical violence threshold has been crossed it's much easier for them to repeat that behaviour. I was a couple of years in that mess but that was all 30+ years ago for me. It's good advice about seeing a lawyer. I ended up needing to live in a Women's Crisis Shelter for a time. Most cities have them now and I found the women counselors there very helpful. They would even just listen to me on the phone at times. I hope this information helps someone. Please know you don't deserve abuse. God didn't create you for that. He wants you to live in peace. 🤍🌹
my ex husband used to say to me for dinner that . where I presentation of this pate?.I coked for him and ı arranged everything and ı was moving and he used to say ohh where is presentation??
Dr. Carter's video on "reactive abuse" I watched on his channel recently, really helped me to understand the psychological process taking place in the dynamic I've been experiencing with an ex boyfriend I ended up in a toxic codependent trauma bond situationship for the last 2 years sincev our original "relationship" ended.. (i.e. the brief lovebombing phase). Once I realised he would never be the same person he once pretended to be, & the roller coaster of different behaviours he cycled through was causing intermittent reinforcement & trauma bond, the next thing on the list was to work out, why did he keep triggering me? Acting caring & romantic one minute only to then become abusive & triggering me to react, causing me to feel PTSD trauma responsems, was affecting my mental health. Once I learnt how to identify, feel, connect to my own emotions, then objectively detach, & logically, neutrally & calmly from my own inner place of calm observe his behaviour, I could see he was continually triggering me, in order to blame me, & have a reason to scapegoat me, humiliate me, shame me, & punish me, to gratify his inner sadist. It didn't matter how loving & kind & caring a people pleaser he could pretend to be, I wasn't going to grovel or submit to his inner sadistic tyrant's need to dominate & control. I told him now I don't need to see him again unless he apologizes for his last 2 temper tantrums, & asked him to see a doctor & get some blood tests, a medical health assessment & mental health assessment. His moods are also affected by stress, & sugar levels, because he has sugar addiction. I've lost count the number of times he's raged at me, then acted like nothing happened, it was a joke, just banter, or just plain lied about details that we had clearly previously discussed, then he accused me of lying, or made up excessive excuses to judge, condemn & punish me, only for him to come back to me with some people pleasing act a few days later. I've told him I'm done. Gone. Unless he can show he's capable of charge that's it. He attempted to demand I apologize to him turning everything around but I just calmly refused to react or argue with him. I just stopped reacting. Just taking time to take a step back & detach from the crazy making is so important. Now I've set a clear boundary & stuck with it, & remained firm, & clear I'm not going to let him suck me into his mind games, I finally feel like I've got my own peace of mind back. Phew!
It's to the point now that even healthcare providers, and other people in professional positions are narcissistic and when the gas lighting and indifference starts and my mental health is being challenged and questioned because I question people's level of professionalism or expose the disrespect, and or disregard, then it's time to just replace and explore other options, I will not argue or go into deep explanation about my health needs when everyone refuses to listen, and disregards my needs neglecting truth and treating like I don't matter. Learning to walk away versus engaging in foolishness talk has been both helpful and necessary.
I have had Epilepsy for 38 years and know very well when I've had a seizure. Last night 01/13/25 i had a Atonic seizure in my bedroom by myself and injured my legs from the knees down and my arms from the elbows to my hands and the right side of my face. After it was over and I felt better i went and told my wife and she told me i was a liar and I was looking for sympathy and a hug. (She doesn't give hugs, even when my mom passed away) Today i really feel like crap and stayed in bed all day and night and made my own dinner and then back to my room. (Wife and I have separate bedrooms) She never came and checked on me or anything. I got up and went to her room to see how she was and she started yelling at me telling me i was a liar and to not come to her with my silly problems.
I had epilepsy as a child and had to take epilum, my son is epileptic as well and my narc mother has never hugged me, not even once and she would pretend to be a kind loving mother. I refuse to talk or see her because of what she has done and it's a lot. You shouldn't have to leave your home, but she definitely should, they can do a lot of destructive things at home and you deserve to be safe
I gave my narcissist all of my trust and all of my faculties and still wound up getting screwed. I only knew I had to leave when we were in a very average couples argument and he threatened to have a restraining order put on me to "remove me from the house" we shared. Moments later I went upstairs packed a bag told him I was leaving him and never turned back.
Saying “I am sorry that you feel that way” lets them know you don’t agree with them, but refuse to argue with them. Another approach is to say “I don’t think I’ll take that bait”. It may be necessary to repeat these phrases depending on the degree of antagonism being directed at you.
After decades, it is so hard. I feel like I am crazy. I act crazy. I need to look at the fact that I have made some progress. If I have made progress I can make more toward civility and dignity. It is going to take awareness, work, and practice.
LET ME SAY THIS ONE MORE TIME:YOUR ONLY HOPE IS ESCAPE. TURN AROUND, FIND THE DOOR, AND RUN. HE IS WRONG. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. EVER. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Exactly. The more we say, the more ammo and problems they have. There is no use to communicate in any way, especially if you have tried for DECADES. Time to move on. Ex-parents unfortunately.
Before writing this I need to apologize before I start. I have ADHD and long writings tend to get grammar mistakes so once again, I apologize. I listen Dr. Carter from time to time and for the most part I think he does have an understanding of these people. However, I took the time to watch this video again and I can tell you he is not on the mark with this one. Also, Dr. Carter if you are reading this, I think it would be wise to think about some of the things you said in this video and how they do not apply to a true narcissist. For example, you tell the story of the couple that came into your office, he was with his girlfriend and wife. You said he stormed out and how that lady was "crying like a baby" when he left. You went on to say how the "narcissist" later called you and said" I was a complete jerk and I had been that way for a long time." In this case I would bet a large amount of money that this guy was a jerk and only when life smacked him in the face did he realize the mistake he had made. However, I can tell you that 100% for sure that this guy was not a narcissist or just to clarify suffered from NPD. No doubt this guy had narcissistic traits, he was self absorbed, a jerk and I can right a list of other adjectives that would fit a guy like that. However, for him to come back to you and say he was a complete jerk and have enough self awareness to now realizes that he has been that way for a long time is impossible for a narcissist. They DO NOT have that level of self awareness to reflect back on themselves and their mistakes. They can not all of a sudden realize that their life is gone to crap and that they were the blame. Totally impossible. They will acknowledge that their life went to hell for sure, but I will tell you that it will be everyone else's fault, because it can't be them. It can never be them because they are perfect. A large part of their condition is they can not see themselves. They created a character (the false self) from their childhood that was going to be perfect, strong, god like and tough as hell. This is because the true self wasn't strong enough to handle their abuser. They hate who they are so much that they create a fake person to take them true life and they left their true self far behind. Now all they know is the fake person and they can not see their true identity. They can not reach or see themselves to recognize their poor behavior. They only see the character so self reflection is impossible and reflection of the character only shows them a perfect imagine. So by their own logic it had to be someone else that cause their life to turn to crap. Finally, I hope the good doctor reads this because what I am about to say is very important. If you are dealing with a narcissist, a true narcissist (a person with NPD), get out. They are at best mentally dangerous and at worst physically dangerous and let me be very, very clear, they all and I mean all, when unregulated are physically dangerous. So doctor when you say leaving a true narcissist is drastic, I would challenge you by saying to stay with a true narcissist is drastic and dangerous. There are women's shelters, therapist office and grave yards filled with their victims. Understand, this goes far behand bad behavior. There is no fixing these people. Get out.
I think you have shared many important considerations and warnings which are so important for us to be aware and vigilant about ultimately for our own well-being, safety, and survival whether or not what you shared is deemed to dis/agree with Dr. Les Carter. Thank you for the important information and warnings you have contributed with the best of intentions. Kind regards. ❤
It's okay to be emotional. That doesn't mean you're not dignified. There is nothing you can do to make matters worse. Run away from a narcissist if you can. This therapist is giving you a recipe for disaster. I'm a forensic psychologist and they NEVER change. Not a true narcissist.
??? Plenty of psychologists disagree with you. I’m one of them. It’s not OK to get emotional. They believe it’s their superpower - to push buttons, evidenced by the emotional response they elicit. This not only encourages, but rewards the abuse. As well, contrary to popular pseudoscience, narcissists can recover somewhat. It’s just exceptionally rare and (probably) never prompted by the well-meaning ’help’ of a victim. Yes, it’s best to back away from them, having taken precautions.
If I don't show some of my true emotions the narcissist is still controlling me. Many psychologists agree that a person can be true to themselves or remain backed in a corner, damned if you do damned if you don't.
@@spn4473 I’d like to see the literature on that, if you have any references. Bc everything you’ve said is against the science, self-justifying, and off-track. But of course, it’s up to you - how you respond (feed) the narcissist. No one can help you if you insist your way is already working.
Yes, sometimes gaslighting can be when they speak to you in a condescending way or they make you feel inadequate. For example, they’ll say well you should’ve done that or they’ll say you should’ve prepared You should’ve known when it comes to just things that happen in life like circumstances like getting wet in the rain. The narcissist will say well you should’ve known it was going to rain or you should’ve known that that knife was sharp. Why did you cut yourself ?they do stupid things like that and they try to make you feel like you have an IQ of 10 or something
as long as you live with them, this will eventually fail. The only solution is get out. They will break you down if you are married to them.
or even in the same house!
@@KimberleeMelissa totally agree. They are like a shark. If you get in the water or into their world they will eat you alive. However, if you remove yourself from their world they then have no power over you and at that point they are no longer a shark, they are just another fish.
They will immediately start another attack. And never quit.
@@robertaturk actually their technique starts with an attack, maybe the silent treatment ( a famous piece of abuse). After days of you trying to determent why this silent time is happening, you just give up and say "will if you don't want to engage with me, I guess I'll just enjoy this quiet time." After a few more days pass they then turn the tables saying" I guess you don't want to fight for this relationship and that silents is your immature way of fixing things." Now it is your fault that the silent treatment lasted for weeks and started in the first place. No matter how much you try and defend it, you will be gas lit until your head spins. It was only later that I found out this is done deliberately to mentally destroy you all the while you are thinking "we" are fighting for this relationship together.
If you are in a relationship with with one of these people, ignore what the good doctor is saying in this video. Your only salvation is to get out. Trust me when I say get out and stay out.
They NEVER quit ask why?..Because I live with one and there relentless aggression never ends..it WILL take its toll on you if you unfortunately have to live with one…
The narcissist will treat the empath as if they are the narcissist," run
100 thumbs up 👍
An "empath" has the same wounds as a "narcissist" - they are pretty much the same...
👍
True story and I'm living proof! (20 years of torture)! Or better yet, should I say "I'm leaving proof". 3 yrs out and learning to live again! Good luck to all of you that are victims of narcs! ❤
@@clintstryder1131 100 thumbs up
💯
My husband would say things to me and then days later deny it, or he would not tell me something and then insist that he had told me. I thought I was going crazy. I have lived for over 40 years with this man and lived a life of self doubt. I've recently started recording conversations and these recordings have proven that that I'm not crazy. After 42 years of "crazy" I'm moving out and starting a new life at age 70. My advise to anyone.... don't do what I did, don't put up with less than what you deserve, don't make excuses for their behaviour. I have reflected on my own contribution to the problem and realise that I'm a people pleaser because my mother was also a Narcissist and we were brought up to "keep the peace".
Very good analysis of what you endured. I am very happy for you that could eventually get out of it. Enjoy your new life and freedom to the most. Do not let him get you back to him. Your freedom and the sanity of your soul is the most precious thing you own. If you have children they must be very proud of you to have started over at 70. ❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤
❤❤❤
I wish you all the luck in the world. It is brave that you could read the situation and take action.
Just turned 60, am doing the same!!
🎉🎉🎉🎉 Yay us!!!!
I left on my 62 birthday. Happy Birthday to me.
I wasn’t living, l was just existing.
Got a van, sold my house, now travelling. Day 7. Absolutely no plans, whew after years of holidays with a calendar and schedule all marked out on calendar. Was hard year as nearly 63, but going to find me and travel coast western Australia. Doesn’t matter what l do. For once l have options. Scary and exciting.
Staying with a narcissist is totally self-destructive. Being alone leaves lots of room for growth, developing interests and learning to love yourself.
I’m working on finding myself again.
@@SheilaDay-k6q I couldn't agree more, that you are better off alone than being in a toxic relationship.
"Staying with a narcissist is totally self-destructive." I think that's a cruel thing to say about adult "children" who are tethered to their narcissistic parents because of elder care responsibilities ... and a Google around the internet might help one discover that's a much bigger problem than you might think
When you have grown children and grandchildren it is hard to leave for the sake of trying to show stability in your marriage for their sake.
But what do you do when the narcissist in your life is your adult child who lives with you and is abusive? If I leave my home, my child and grandchild will end up homeless.
Very difficult when you have children. I urge anyone without children, no matter how much you yearn for children and to be a parent, to get out ASAP.
I made this mistake. Fell for my narc who told me that he had broken up with the mother of his kids. I never wanted kids but became step mum to his three, then we wanted kids of our own. Two kids down (youngest is 4 months) and I’m now aware of the total fiction that I was made to believe. He is a cheat, a liar and I now wish I had never met him.
I second that
Never argue with a narcissist they will bring you to their level and win by experience.
So don't play their game.
Fuck they don't even care.they are disgusting people.they are
Yep!
Don’t engage. Period.
Every response to them places you in the game.
👏 so well said 💗
As a licensed mental health professional, a narcissist is *not* going to change. That is false hope and could put you in harm's way (either physically or psychologically) waiting for them to change. They won't. You must protect yourself.
Oh well said, absolutely correct. This so called narcissist expert is just a grifter and doesn't actually know what he is talking about. Narcissm is a closed system, they can't change, there is no them, they're just empty vessels of insecurity and spite, demons in human form.
I'm an empath, and the best thing I've learned is that when a narcissist wants to start an argument, stare into the narcissist's eyes without blinking or saying one word. When the narcissist blinks or looks down, walk away. A narcissist gave me this trick, and it works. 😂
Biggest lesson I learned: do respond : do not react.
@@teresamcalister7096 Some of us are highly emotional and reactive when hurt 🤕 bcos sensitivity can play a part. I imagine a glass wall between me and them .Anything toxic stays on their side of the wall 🧱
This no response enraged him resulted in physical abuses.
35 years being with him (married 25) I realize I don’t know him; he NEVER let me in.
It's strange to finally come to the realization, but there's NOTHING in there. There was nowhere to be allowed in, in the first place.
19 and yep! I call it ‘surface level’ interaction.
You sure? I mean how the hell did you fail to see that for 35 years?
Empaths are genuinely forgiving. It is not up to us to fix. Our Nature is doing good; we are not here to judge.
Survival mode is needed for self-preservation. When in crisis, God is always here and never left our side. That’s believing: the Inner Child is waiting for your LOvE. 💕
Actually, they are just empty shells.Nothing to love there.
That is so sad, but very true. Hard to admit that to myself after 53 years, but still I stick around so there must be something I need. My heart isn't in it anymore so atleast he doesn't "get to me" in that way. I'm observing him now. I'm loving towards him but not in love with him. He helps me out ( I just had vision surgery so I'm going to need help for quite a while so...) I keep praying for him. O know the Lord loves him & me too.
@@littlelittledeer1435
I hear you. I'm stuck in my situation too 😭 I'm disabled and dependent on the narcissists in my life.
A Narcissist is a waste of time in your inner circle a threat to our well being
They will never change , just get out , move far away , if you can , ditch the flying monkeys also
100 thumbs up 👍
Copy that! Done did
My elder sister is a narcissist. When I was younger and not fully independent, she would do every nasty trick in the Narcissist Book against me. When I slowly started gaining my independence, I started going against her slowly and she ramped up the tricks. As a fully independent man now, married and with kids, I couldn't stand it any longer. I took the fight to her in the most nasty way possible. I break all the rules of pampering a narcissist. I can't sit back and just be defensive. For a while, she started smearing me to people who love and respect me. I confronted her and warned her and she knew I was serious. Now she has stopped. I'm a West African and we have a saying here: Don't clap for a crazy person who suddenly starts to dance because they may think they're the best dancer in the world and wouldn't stop even if you want them to. Meaning: When a crazy person starts dancing, stop them as soon as you can. 😁
I’m out of my relationship now, but in the end I learned the best response for criticism was to say “Thank you for your feedback.”
Lol, "Yes dear" is another one.
I love that
❤Love it
The best way is to go "NO contact"! That disempowers them and empowers YOU! "knowledge is power"...self-empowerment!
Ugh what if they have u literally stuck? I'm going back 2 therapy but ugh this is gonna destroy me even more of I can't get out of here & I know that's what they want I'm surrounded by 5 of them all "family" in my grandmothers basement bcuz she kicked my out of the place I was renting of...nd I'm 42 yrs old my privacy literally is robbed here the abuse is unimaginable literally as I'm writing this caught my mother whom doesn't evn live here looking over my shoulder 💔 they wanted me out if my place of living so bad made of lies for my mother to take over n now they continue to mess w my down here it's nver ending I'm loosing hair weight face is puffy from no sleep so health is declining..im so afraid that of I do get out if I will ever b the same as this isn't the first time I've been thru this with them
When you ignore them, you’ll drive them nuts. I lived with this narcissist, and I eventually just became apathetic to her nonsense. And one night walking thru the kitchen, she was screaming at me. I just kept walking, she attacked me. I mean a violent, full on attack. I wound up with a concussion. These people are evil.
They are courageous when they can hit you from behind. Always have your own back literally around them. ❤
I try to ignore my ex and he gets my attention by taking me back to supreme court.. he loves that! Can't wait till the child is older as that's the only thing that he has to use against me. He has the child full time so he just pays 5000 to get 1500 out of me.. that kind of stuff. I see it as a horrible chapter in my life that will be over in a few more years. I'm not sure I'll last though it's exhausting and draining in every way.
She was a malignant narcissist
I’ve noticed a few people in my life, like my mom, uncle, and oldest friend, would often confront me suddenly in a rushed, panicked way or make quick assumptions or conclusions about me, triggering defensiveness. It felt like they were trying to provoke me or put me down to get an easy win. Recognizing these patterns became easier once I identified the narcissistic behaviors around me. Now, I’m getting better at staying calm and not reacting, but when I don’t take the bait, they often switch to playing the victim or getting angry.
good point. they are trying to make yo feel that something I wrong with you and they don't want to notice what's goşng on..
Well, i've let a huge group of narcissists and their flying monkes mocking me, laughing at me, calling me an idiot behind my back and i just quietly walked away. But one day i calmly and politely shocked the s**t out of them by presenting very hard to swallow evidences that proved that they were ALL wrong when they laughed at me. Now they all feel like an idiot themselves. "Laugh now, cry later"...
Well done.
I decided to become the CEO of my life, the boss of me.
WOW l changed and never got upset, cause l was the boss of me, with everyone and everything.
Sounds about right smh
Yeah. Plenty more occasions for you to practice the grey rock of non-responsiveness. Staring at one of their earlobes is good for when they push their face in front of you and start on the verbal. Grey rock. Stare at the ear lobe. Let your self get bored so that you break away suddenly because you've just remembered you've got x to do. Close your ears. You've got stuff to do.
Emotional intelligence blow a narcissist away ✊🏾♌️♌️🙏🙌❤️
Absolutely spot on!! ❤😊
Can you explain what that is. Thanks.
@@tammyg8031Google is your friend😂
It can make you a target or those close to you their target.
Gaslight is followed by silent treatment when narcissists can not be in control with gaslighting. Keep a journal. Journaling will keep one sane. ❤
And write down every weird thing they do even if you dont think there's anything wrong with it. Then wait a few weeks and read it back when the incident even emotionally fresh. The black and white will tell a different story than what you think happened.
If I consistently need to go into hiding in my own home to find peace, believe me I would not be living there much longer. Either let me have peace at home, or I will make a home where you are not present and I do have peace.
I was doing that exact thing , hiding in my home , reserving 4 hr slots at the library until my husband went to work , doing way to much to avoid his constant anger and raged attacks. Takes a toll on your health. Recently moved out for my peace , sanity and safety .
A 'friend' just moved in and the gaslighting started immediately. She started fights over EVERYTHING. Nothing I owned was good enough for her exacting taste, If I placed something momentarily until my hands were free I was purposely disregarding her right to that space, playfully shot a rubber band at her and it was an attack, driving 35mph at night on country roads was too reckless while she tailgated at 80mph on the interstate, on a trip she argued and demeaned me for ten hours while she would flirt with the guy fueling up next to us, totally misquote me to suit her need to be right and be a victim, on and on and on and on. Mercifully she left in a huff when I would not back her in a useless fight she picked with my grand daughter.
Peace returns.
Easier said than done.
Don’t give a response. They ll get bored with trying to confront you. A fight is what they want
Don’t give it to them, deprive them of their sick game. Seem like you don’t care if even on the inside you”re fuming. Also don’t over do it with trying to show you don’t care, Narcissists are more in tune with that than you may realize. It taken me a while to learn how to deal with them because I’ve dealt with so many in my lifetime. It may take trial and error on learning how to fake that your not bothered, the best thing that happens is you actually start not to let it bother you, which is probably why it begins to work. Fake it tell you make it kind of thing.
I love this my narc never fought fairly. It was always reflective. When I maintained my calmness. He would just walk away and ignore me
The movie “Gaslight” is not cheesy! Old, yes. Cheesy, no. I’m a big fan of Dr Carter, though. ☺️
This!! Great movie to re-watch from time to time.
It was Angela Lansbury’s first acting job….was 17!
After trying to reason with a narcissistic husband for three decades, I have hit a wall. I'm saving up to escape since I can definitely not retire with him.
I wish you all the luck in the world. I put a little money aside for 10 years to make this escape. It was hard as all our money was shared and he would check where the money was going. I learned to be sneaky which didn't feel good but was definitely essential. I became much less honest than I was comfortable with.
do what ever you have to in building your escape fund. And do not tell anyone. You never know which trusted friends and relatives will report back to him.
@@NoNewComments Well stated. Thank you! ❤
In a perfect world, it would not be about taking anyone’s power away. It is never about taking down anyone for me. It would be about free to be. So having the freedom to live and be how you wish to be.
Agreed. But they can't even comprehend equality, coexistence, and freedom. These can't exist, to them, at the same time.
😂ppl lik u is why the world. Is trashed
Had to tell one lately that I was not going to argue with them. They continued to try to get me to argue. Finally just told them. That didn't phase them either. But when I pulled my phone up they got all quiet and left. Evidence.
They will tell you that they hate arguing and they don’t want to argue while arguing about every little thing you say. I didn’t realize that he was just getting narcissistic supply by pulling me into the argument. That’s why he says something and then Literally not even an hour later says he didn’t say it etc. He’s not losing his mind. He doesn’t have a bad memory. He’s trying to rope me into arguments. That is some twisted ish.
100 thumbs up 👍
@@LeahIsHereNow Exactly the same.
@@LeahIsHereNow could be Dissociative Identity Disorder in which they have no recollection of what an alter identity said.
No need trying to have a conversation.
A miracle is the only thing that will bring about change
Wow!! You hit the nail in the head. So true.
Spiritual deliverance!
Spot on. Don’t engage, defend, explain or personalise anything the narcisist says or does. Go DEEP as dr Ramani puts it! Thank you
That movie was before it's time. It wasn't cheesy, it was a warning!
The key is I want to be better than who I was before.
The ex has invalidated my for decades. I say this to him “your agreement isn’t necessary to make it true.” It ends his abuse.
Wow, how can I find a therapist like this guy? I'm married to a narcissist and it's been hell!
Get out if you can!!! DO NOT TELK THE NARC WHERE YOU ARE!!!!!!!
Pretend they have hired you to perform a service. Treat them like a customer or client. Client relationships rarely devolve because emotions aren’t involved. Feeling can still get hurt but for some reason you can write it off more easily when your deeper feelings aren’t involved.
-Differently-
Thinking you can do or not do anything around a narcissist and expect a different result is wild. They don't respond any differently just because you respond differently. Their ultimate goal, no matter what is confrontation. You will never be treated better by reacting differently, you will only ever be treated worse because now you've caused the narcissist to have to change their normal routine of behavior. The only thing you can do is escape, cut off all communication, heal the best you can, become indifferent, and just move on however you do.
Thank you! I Think you are right
It can’t occur to them that you have something to share that’s valid😂 True words, doc.
In conclusion,all negative people only will be trapped by their own behavior and their own attitudes only👹
Yes, I agree with their behaviors. I’ve had several coverts in my life and God exposed this evil 2-1/2 years ago to me. I’ve always seen it but never understood it. I’m a truth-teller and they hate that about me. 😃🙌🏻
I happened across the film "Gaslight" way before people started using it as a term in the narc community. It's an interesting film in its own right, but my favorite thing about it is that it's Angela Lansbury's first film! She's AMAZING in it, and was only 19. :)
I should have run when my boyfriend then husband got inappropriately excited about that film. I now know they tell on themselves.
Living with a narcissistic man
He says I'm evil and separates me from my children and my grandchildren by saying it's not the right time. He's controlling and is nasty to me. For 30 years now.
I am trying to change the way I am and get strong
Really, so what stopped you leaving, you're an adult, take some responsibility for yourself.
When my husband would say he wanted to talk. I would listen, but what he was saying I didn’t like or disagreed with. When I just wanted to talk, it would get all hell bent bc I didn’t see it his way. Di I gave up. Let him speak, get made bc i wouldn’t say a word. Just wait for him to leave in his car, & speed off or go to the garage. So much stress released when he just walked out the door. If he went up stairs thou , its was walking on stress. To be prepared at any given time. When he was sleeping , sometimes he was in an angrily argument with me in his sleep. Don’t think that didn’t go unnoticed in the morning. He was already mad at me. People say to leave. Can’t afford a place by myself. Would never impose on my kids, one has a family , kids, the other gets enough stress from a job. Family members got their issues also. Can’t happen. Just holding on barely, one day at a time. But , watch these videos once in a while for a support, ❤❤❤refresher course & reminders.
Same boat. We got this.
You sound like a hostage. I hope you'll be able to leave or get him out.
It's the same here too. There are no " conversations" just arguments. And for 48 years of hiding out during his childish meltdowns have seriously taken a tole on my health. Put me in the hospital last month. It was a welcome rest. Couldn't walk away with two kids. He gave me no money at all. No car unless he went too. Now that kids are grown and gone, I'm now stuck with another child at 73 in retirement. 😢 And it doesn't get better.
❤ Bless you
There will be a better time
Get strong 🙏
@@daythaheintzelman6634my husband is like a child and I am over his tantrums I will get strong
I still work at 64 he is retired.. Now he's 68
I will by God's grace get strong. You will too
Stand in your truth!!
Disengage from their circular conversations only cause confusion with their gaslighting tactics!
Their GT’s will only create a backdraft back on them!!
🙏❤️🕊⚖️
Their conversations are a obticle course where they just throw things on the track, sticks, tire irons, a vicious dog, a piano another person or whatever is near by.
In my experience responding is candy to the narcissist, they want any response at all as an opportunity to say something demeaning and rude and blame us for what they started. I have expunged all narcissistic family members from my life, they cannot be reasoned with so i leave them alone entirely.The narcississts I know are in their 70's without any evidence of changing.
"Crisis can create growth." Thank you!! 👍😊 I desperately needed to hear something like that. My parents are my narcissists. Constant criticism. For over 25 years. I want to be a better person because of what I've been through!
It’s always your crazy something is wrong with you
Agreed. I am contending with an incredibly cruel narcissist that loves confrontation and is toxic as hell. She sabotages me whenever she can. I ignore her and just smile and walk away. It's been a process similar to taming a wild cat. I learned to keep my cool. Anything I say to her is simply a "matter of fact". There is no emotional content. She is an ugly, and cruel being. She's not going to change.
In The Taming Of The Shrew, the only thing he got wrong is that the shrew could be tamed. Who wants to spend 40 years in constant stress?
Thank you. The narc is on a spectrum. You can decide, can they be worked with. All the retaliation suggestions aren't always a good idea. But the UNDERSTANDING IS WHATS IMPORTANT. "Crisis can creat growth" for both parties. Unfortunately...while you grow, the narc may not
"Gaslighting to keep you in a state of confusion. " Oh Wow! This is so right on! So I'm talking to this car salesman who is supposed to be explaining the sales contract. But every time I ask him about a particular point, he changes it around. This goes on for a few minutes. I was really confused about what was happening. Now I get it! He is confusing me to make me vulnerable and give up trying to understand. It's a control tactic!. Sales tactic? Thank You. LoL.
Delicate detachment❤Very wise advice. Thank you 🙏🏼
I love Dr. Carter so much. Lots of wisdom.
When attacked by a narcissist, and accused of the very thing they are actually doing, I simply say, "no, that is incorrect", and then I turn my back and walk away. No further contact after that point. Narcissists are abusers and I refuse to tolerate that.
Dr Les Carter at his best! Thank you for asking him all the right questions. I’ve listened to so many videos, including Dr Carter’s Surviving Narcissism. “How does one survive narcissism?” The responses are brilliant- this is the clearest communication I’ve heard regarding narcissism. I finally get it. This collaboration includes the whys, the how-tos and what not-tos. I’m going to play this video over and over again until it is part of me - including memorizing these responses - which will defuse my reactions! Shedding my victim mentality is long overdue. Thank you both. 🌅
Recording them is a great method of dealing with them, I tried it and it worked, for a little while. Smartphones make it so easy and convenient. They don't want to argue if you recorded their words. Try it.
I am going to try this. Thank you!
The narc turned from verbal + emotional abuse to physical abuse bc I was using my own cell phone to do what he was yelling in my face in an obviously very intimidating + threatening manner to do faster. He continues to deny ever being verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive despite, for example, stating "I was angry, so I have nothing to apologize for." Attempting to record him would have been met with even more of all types of abuse including the physical abuse. It was the first time the narc had become physically violent but not the first time he intentionally physically harmed me through other methods specifically meant to medically harm +/or kill me as a complexly multiply medically disabled person. Please be careful; we may not know what level of hell the narc is willing to further escalate.
My wife is a narcissist and I was able to end her argument by asking if she wanted a resolution or was just venting cause she's pissed off. She had to admit she was just venting
She is no narc, a real narc lacks the self awareness to even begin to answer that question.
If they say what I said "was dumb", I politely ask, "Describe to me how that is dumb". Keep them talking and they will expose themselves to themselves.
I do the same when people use 'Always/Never' statements, or try to label you. They usually get taken aback.
Narcissists are not open to your opinion. There is their opinion and their opinion only! It is a complete waste of time, and energy, trying to discuss anything with them. Walk away, walk away, walk away!!!!!
Exactly what happened to me
They tried to get me back I told them all the really crappy things they did, they apologized. I rembembered them threatening to break up with me to my face. He gaslit me and told me that’s not what happened. I didn’t respond or engage. 😮😮😮 I am a sigma I am a single mom, I have my own practice and I work. Transplant focus on myself, making my network and community. Being happy it did happen to me now I address life with discernment.
Sound like a badass
Thats on You! THATS WHAT I SAY
Omg omg omg!!! I’m only into this video for one minute and four seconds and just said what deal with all day. I not know it was a game. Lord, have mercy on my soul because I thought 💭 that as I tried to give my point that we were having a deeper conversation to grow together. Damn!!! I did not know this!!! I have listen to the first minute of this video just to hear the Dr. explain! Omg I feel so stupid. It’s a game! Omg BAIT yes omg I see it, I’ve been looking for answers fir years trying to make sense of what was happening, I could not figure it out so I would say I will work harder on me maybe I’m the problem. I go to church and I thought I was not being a good wife and of course I felt guilty every time I wanted to end it and go back hoping that just maybe this time he would see into me! Thank you 🙏 thank you 🙏 thank you for being willing to help hurting souls and not charge a dime. 💰 … you just don’t know how much you have help me today . My heart is broken and that’s ok, God sent you to share your wisdom just when I needed it the most! Thank you
I found that not arguing was best. I just listened, and let the what may came for the narc. And it usually fell thru, but I was not yo blame, because I gave no input. He made poor decisions all his life, and figured out the why behind his failures. You can't tell them anything, and I mean anything!
NC, no comment is the best route.
I’m out of it and a lot better but I’m not fully over it
Never argue with a narcissist, they believe they are always right. They also will twist your mind apart, to the point they actually enjoy this game!
I live with one and we are married but roommates, we share only rent and food. We don't get into each others business or life. We will be divorced one day, but I'm waiting to be able to afford to live alone. He will try to pick my nerves by stealing my property, but I just ignore the behavior and remove my important things from my area of the house. My son moved recently, so I have turned his room into my vault so I don't have to worry about him stealing anything.
Wow ! I am experiencing the same thing . He takes away little gifts that he bought but also my own stuff that i bought myself. He finds afterwards a reason why he did that. For example he stole my parfums and than he told the kids he is allergic to parfums.
The narcissist is always right which infers the rest of us are always wrong. They only have one emotion, anger, which follows them around 24 hours.
I wouldn't stay t see if they will change.
Yep walk away!
There are two films named Gaslighting that were made around the same time. I only watched one of them a few years back. It was a pretty good film to me. Thanks for sharing this message, teaching, and video. God bless. THE JOY OF THE LORD IS YOU ALL'S STRENGTH. AMEN. HALLELUJAH. AMEN. ❤❤❤
Dr. Carter is 👑!!! He's helped me more than i can fathom or explain!!
A wonderful and inspiring video Dr. Carter. Sometimes it really helps to be able to be reminded when in this situation to shift your focus on the growth that is being achieved.
My first ex came home from work one day and yelled at me for the dishes being stacked wrong in the drying rack. My response was confusion and quiet. He continued to yell at me for half an hour during which time I walked into the bedroom and laid on the bed and cried. At about the half hour point I got up and decided I couldn't live with this anymore and put a couple changes of clothes into a bag and walked past him towards the door. Then he got angry that I was leaving and slapped and pushed me around. I didn't leave - that day. Moral of the story is, when you leave be careful and safe. 🤍
Glad you got out. I was engaged to a guy who'd come home and berate me like that. I planned my escape and moved out during the day while he was working. Boy was he surprised, and he bothered me for months after.
@@lynnebucher6537 I'm glad you're out now too. We are worthy to receive all the love and respect we have to give.🌹
Get a restraining order or talk to a lawyer. These people don't quit when you leave and he's already comfortable with physical violence. Keep evidence and back ups in safe places. Be careful and safe.
@@MaryDunford It's so true that once that physical violence threshold has been crossed it's much easier for them to repeat that behaviour. I was a couple of years in that mess but that was all 30+ years ago for me. It's good advice about seeing a lawyer. I ended up needing to live in a Women's Crisis Shelter for a time. Most cities have them now and I found the women counselors there very helpful. They would even just listen to me on the phone at times. I hope this information helps someone. Please know you don't deserve abuse. God didn't create you for that. He wants you to live in peace. 🤍🌹
my ex husband used to say to me for dinner that . where I presentation of this pate?.I coked for him and ı arranged everything and ı was moving and he used to say ohh where is presentation??
Dr. Carter's video on "reactive abuse" I watched on his channel recently, really helped me to understand the psychological process taking place in the dynamic I've been experiencing with an ex boyfriend I ended up in a toxic codependent trauma bond situationship for the last 2 years sincev our original "relationship" ended.. (i.e. the brief lovebombing phase). Once I realised he would never be the same person he once pretended to be, & the roller coaster of different behaviours he cycled through was causing intermittent reinforcement & trauma bond, the next thing on the list was to work out, why did he keep triggering me? Acting caring & romantic one minute only to then become abusive & triggering me to react, causing me to feel PTSD trauma responsems, was affecting my mental health. Once I learnt how to identify, feel, connect to my own emotions, then objectively detach, & logically, neutrally & calmly from my own inner place of calm observe his behaviour, I could see he was continually triggering me, in order to blame me, & have a reason to scapegoat me, humiliate me, shame me, & punish me, to gratify his inner sadist. It didn't matter how loving & kind & caring a people pleaser he could pretend to be, I wasn't going to grovel or submit to his inner sadistic tyrant's need to dominate & control. I told him now I don't need to see him again unless he apologizes for his last 2 temper tantrums, & asked him to see a doctor & get some blood tests, a medical health assessment & mental health assessment. His moods are also affected by stress, & sugar levels, because he has sugar addiction. I've lost count the number of times he's raged at me, then acted like nothing happened, it was a joke, just banter, or just plain lied about details that we had clearly previously discussed, then he accused me of lying, or made up excessive excuses to judge, condemn & punish me, only for him to come back to me with some people pleasing act a few days later. I've told him I'm done. Gone. Unless he can show he's capable of charge that's it. He attempted to demand I apologize to him turning everything around but I just calmly refused to react or argue with him. I just stopped reacting. Just taking time to take a step back & detach from the crazy making is so important. Now I've set a clear boundary & stuck with it, & remained firm, & clear I'm not going to let him suck me into his mind games, I finally feel like I've got my own peace of mind back. Phew!
Appreciate Dr Carter's advice here. Thanks for having him as a guest.
It's to the point now that even healthcare providers, and other people in professional positions are narcissistic and when the gas lighting and indifference starts and my mental health is being challenged and questioned because I question people's level of professionalism or expose the disrespect, and or disregard, then it's time to just replace and explore other options, I will not argue or go into deep explanation about my health needs when everyone refuses to listen, and disregards my needs neglecting truth and treating like I don't matter. Learning to walk away versus engaging in foolishness talk has been both helpful and necessary.
I have had Epilepsy for 38 years and know very well when I've had a seizure. Last night 01/13/25 i had a Atonic seizure in my bedroom by myself and injured my legs from the knees down and my arms from the elbows to my hands and the right side of my face. After it was over and I felt better i went and told my wife and she told me i was a liar and I was looking for sympathy and a hug. (She doesn't give hugs, even when my mom passed away) Today i really feel like crap and stayed in bed all day and night and made my own dinner and then back to my room. (Wife and I have separate bedrooms) She never came and checked on me or anything. I got up and went to her room to see how she was and she started yelling at me telling me i was a liar and to not come to her with my silly problems.
That sounds horrible. Are you able to leave?
I had epilepsy as a child and had to take epilum, my son is epileptic as well and my narc mother has never hugged me, not even once and she would pretend to be a kind loving mother. I refuse to talk or see her because of what she has done and it's a lot. You shouldn't have to leave your home, but she definitely should, they can do a lot of destructive things at home and you deserve to be safe
@@petermoore5203Wonder why he is staying? He should leave.
Once out of the relationship I recommend listening to “Brave” and “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles might help to move on and set boundaries.
Les is the best
I gave my narcissist all of my trust and all of my faculties and still wound up getting screwed. I only knew I had to leave when we were in a very average couples argument and he threatened to have a restraining order put on me to "remove me from the house" we shared. Moments later I went upstairs packed a bag told him I was leaving him and never turned back.
Run….
Don't give oxygen to fire.
Saying “I am sorry that you feel that way” lets them know you don’t agree with them, but refuse to argue with them. Another approach is to say “I don’t think I’ll take that bait”. It may be necessary to repeat these phrases depending on the degree of antagonism being directed at you.
Saying sorry you feel that way is a narcissistic apology.
After decades, it is so hard. I feel like I am crazy. I act crazy. I need to look at the fact that I have made some progress. If I have made progress I can make more toward civility and dignity. It is going to take awareness, work, and practice.
LET ME SAY THIS ONE MORE TIME:YOUR ONLY HOPE IS ESCAPE. TURN AROUND, FIND THE DOOR, AND RUN. HE IS WRONG. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. EVER. PROBLEM SOLVED.
I do what they do if they don’t want to converse, I just randomly change the subject in a goofy way, it drives them crazy…
Exactly. The more we say, the more ammo and problems they have. There is no use to communicate in any way, especially if you have tried for DECADES. Time to move on. Ex-parents unfortunately.
100 thumbs up 👍
Bye mom~
Don't let the door hit'cha where the good Lord split'cha! :)
Thanks for giving me the tools to know qhat to say doung these situations.
Thanks!
Thanks! Appreciate this timely advice!
Thank-you. Im learning a lot.
I left with broken bones from maliciousness 5 years ago..thank you Jesus
Before writing this I need to apologize before I start. I have ADHD and long writings tend to get grammar mistakes so once again, I apologize. I listen Dr. Carter from time to time and for the most part I think he does have an understanding of these people. However, I took the time to watch this video again and I can tell you he is not on the mark with this one. Also, Dr. Carter if you are reading this, I think it would be wise to think about some of the things you said in this video and how they do not apply to a true narcissist. For example, you tell the story of the couple that came into your office, he was with his girlfriend and wife. You said he stormed out and how that lady was "crying like a baby" when he left. You went on to say how the "narcissist" later called you and said" I was a complete jerk and I had been that way for a long time." In this case I would bet a large amount of money that this guy was a jerk and only when life smacked him in the face did he realize the mistake he had made. However, I can tell you that 100% for sure that this guy was not a narcissist or just to clarify suffered from NPD. No doubt this guy had narcissistic traits, he was self absorbed, a jerk and I can right a list of other adjectives that would fit a guy like that. However, for him to come back to you and say he was a complete jerk and have enough self awareness to now realizes that he has been that way for a long time is impossible for a narcissist. They DO NOT have that level of self awareness to reflect back on themselves and their mistakes. They can not all of a sudden realize that their life is gone to crap and that they were the blame. Totally impossible. They will acknowledge that their life went to hell for sure, but I will tell you that it will be everyone else's fault, because it can't be them. It can never be them because they are perfect.
A large part of their condition is they can not see themselves. They created a character (the false self) from their childhood that was going to be perfect, strong, god like and tough as hell. This is because the true self wasn't strong enough to handle their abuser. They hate who they are so much that they create a fake person to take them true life and they left their true self far behind. Now all they know is the fake person and they can not see their true identity. They can not reach or see themselves to recognize their poor behavior. They only see the character so self reflection is impossible and reflection of the character only shows them a perfect imagine. So by their own logic it had to be someone else that cause their life to turn to crap.
Finally, I hope the good doctor reads this because what I am about to say is very important. If you are dealing with a narcissist, a true narcissist (a person with NPD), get out. They are at best mentally dangerous and at worst physically dangerous and let me be very, very clear, they all and I mean all, when unregulated are physically dangerous. So doctor when you say leaving a true narcissist is drastic, I would challenge you by saying to stay with a true narcissist is drastic and dangerous. There are women's shelters, therapist office and grave yards filled with their victims. Understand, this goes far behand bad behavior. There is no fixing these people. Get out.
I don't think you know what you are talking about and he is not wrong
I think you have shared many important considerations and warnings which are so important for us to be aware and vigilant about ultimately for our own well-being, safety, and survival whether or not what you shared is deemed to dis/agree with Dr. Les Carter. Thank you for the important information and warnings you have contributed with the best of intentions. Kind regards. ❤
❤️Dr Les Carter💜
It's okay to be emotional. That doesn't mean you're not dignified. There is nothing you can do to make matters worse. Run away from a narcissist if you can. This therapist is giving you a recipe for disaster. I'm a forensic psychologist and they NEVER change. Not a true narcissist.
??? Plenty of psychologists disagree with you. I’m one of them.
It’s not OK to get emotional. They believe it’s their superpower - to push buttons, evidenced by the emotional response they elicit. This not only encourages, but rewards the abuse.
As well, contrary to popular pseudoscience, narcissists can recover somewhat. It’s just exceptionally rare and (probably) never prompted by the well-meaning ’help’ of a victim.
Yes, it’s best to back away from them, having taken precautions.
If I don't show some of my true emotions the narcissist is still controlling me. Many psychologists agree that a person can be true to themselves or remain backed in a corner, damned if you do damned if you don't.
@@spn4473 I’d like to see the literature on that, if you have any references. Bc everything you’ve said is against the science, self-justifying, and off-track. But of course, it’s up to you - how you respond (feed) the narcissist. No one can help you if you insist your way is already working.
@@meleshenko3767 where's your science, narcissist?
God open my eyes
Thank you
about 2:00 almost never works Les, because they will always interrupt and not at all listen to you or try to communicate then
I think what he's saying is exactly this, don't communicate with them.
Yes, sometimes gaslighting can be when they speak to you in a condescending way or they make you feel inadequate. For example, they’ll say well you should’ve done that or they’ll say you should’ve prepared You should’ve known when it comes to just things that happen in life like circumstances like getting wet in the rain. The narcissist will say well you should’ve known it was going to rain or you should’ve known that that knife was sharp. Why did you cut yourself ?they do stupid things like that and they try to make you feel like you have an IQ of 10 or something
Go Dr C
I've been saying "make an appointment on the 15th of next month", then I walk away.
My next encounter will be me saying "Why do you have be so mean? Can't you be nice?"
I can’t wait to leave this house
Same. I hope you get free 🌹