So…How are you? 😂😂😂 But really, what’s your experience with small talk? What else would you add that’s different, and what resonated with your experiences? Let us know! 👇
I don't like small talk, I never know when or how to end it and it is soo awkward for me 🙈 Also, when someone asks me "what's up?" I just freeze. My brain is working so hard to think of an answer but it's blank. I hate when this happens and it happens all the time even with friends and family 😅
Yes!! And when people ask me why I’m tired, it’s so hard to explain (and also exhausting to talk about it too) - “well, the cashier at the store is just too friendly. My colleagues love to chat with me every time they pass me in the halls…” 😅
@@ClandestineGirl16X for decades I'd be mad at myself because I'd come home and fall asleep in my clothes. Too tired to even change. But I didn't know why so I thought I was lazy and was ashamed of myself 😪
It's all the loading/unloading of the social "module" for me, all while hoping the interaction doesn't create a negative or confused memory for me that is going to end up looping in my head
bro finally explained why i say "i dont know" when someone asks how i feel, it was a defense machanism my brain created to conserve my battery and end the convo quickly and i never even knew
I wish I could said that when I was younger, but it was "rude" and "unpolite" to not answer. So, I just said "good" even tho it was a lie... Now when someone ask I just say "meh" and sometimes I had used the I don't know one, which confuse people so much.
Interesting observation and food for thought. I have, in recent years, realized that I have a fair amount of alexithymia, and this is one reason I might say “I don’t know.” I usually say something borderline grim, because I can vaguely sense my nervous system, and it’s never happy. But how do I feel emotionally? That’s a hard one. What I don’t know is what the roots of the alexithymia are. I’m pretty sure that some of it is legitimate intermittent connections, structural not psychological. Some of it does relate to big, dysregulated emotions. I think I feel less emotion than the average person when I’m in homeostasis, and big, mostly “negative” emotions means I manage better feeling very little. That I know is a defense mechanism. But also, in line with your observations - I’ve learned to try and dodge the question because no one actually wants to know, which is both counterintuitive to me (why ask then?), and makes me sad because I feel even less connected to people. It doesn’t help that I interact with everyone the same, so I can over share out of context with tyecrealtionship. But even with people I’m closer to, I go into more detail than they want to know. Once I started therapy (which I did need), I became hyper focused on my inner life, and talking about it too much and in terms that others find confusing or upsetting is a big part of how I killed my marriage. Which is a big rabbit hole of a riff off your comment, but the point being: not saying much is a defense mechanism, and one I frankly need to do more of, if I want to talk to anyone. Which I avoid these days, instead choosing to infodump on neurodivergent channels.
I learned to tone it down a lot or people start wanting to hang out with me. Growing up without a diagnosis, my mom drilled into me how to greet people and do small talk even a a kid. She was completely embarrassed and disappointed in me for not being outgoing, and would tell me I was rude, so she would make me fake it or else. Thus I became good at it. But without knowing it I began to unmask in middle age, even before my diagnosis, when I realized people where liking my mask (I had not idea that’s what it’s called back then) too much and wanting to invite me to do things I didn’t want to do. So now I’m not rude, but I try not to seem super duper friendly either. I finally got my diagnosis at 54, and it’s been hard for me to forgive my mom for her mistreatment of me as a little girl, and the trauma she inflicted on me, but I’m getting there
I work in groundskeeping. I specifically decided to go into this line of work because I was tired of people. I just wanted to put my headphones in and do my job. However I currently work in a group of apartment complexes. I quickly found that if I walk by any of the tenants I'm expected to acknowledge them in some way or else I'll be seen as rude. After two years most of the long-term tenants know that if my headphones are in (which is all the time) you'll get a polite smile if I notice you, and maybe an extra wave at your cute dog, but that's it. So at least we've settled on a middle ground
Before I got in a car wreck that left me with a partially paralyzed arm, I was pretty happy doing manual work at a factory. The breaks were short and the work itself left no time to socialize. My health would have gone down had I stayed there because the chemicals. So as it turns out the car wreck was the best thing that ever happened to me because now I comfortably live in a shed in the woods. It's a real dream come true. Not sure if I have autism or not but seeing everyone here thinking similarly makes me want to get a proper diagnosis.
@@Meenaia Living in a shed in the woods honestly sounds awesome I haven't gotten an autism diagnosis but I was diagnosed with adhd back when I was a kid. There's so many overlapping things with those two issues I don't know if it's the adhd or if I've got autism too
You talking about not being prepared reminds me of how I mitigate small talk: By having a couple things to share that ARE prepared and that DO have some substance, but that can be shared quickly and be done with. An example: - NT: "Hey how are you doing?" - ND: "Good! My favorite comic just updated, and the villain exploded into snakes."" At which point, someone who actually wants to connect and engage with you can do so, and the rest of the "polite" chaff will feel awkward, go silent, leave, or whatever. Point is this: we can't play their game, we just don't have the same resources, so go ahead and change the rules to cut down the ambiguity and anxiety. Make THEM decide if they want to respect and follow your authenticity.
@ChrisandDebby Yeah, I kinda wish I hadn't invented it just for the example, lol. My brain just threw together jaffar (alladin) and oogie-boogie (nightmare before xmas) for that one, them blew it up. But I'm sure some comic sometime has done it properly.
Wait, let me think about it. 10 seconds later, awkward 10 seconds, I think I am ok. For now, we shall see later. People think I am funny, the sarcasm/dry humor kind of funny. But I was actually seriously thinking about it.
Cashier: How are you today? Me: Thanks. You too. Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for? Me: Good, You? Cashier: Have a nice day. Me: It's going to rain later. Me later in my head as I'm driving out of the parking lot: I should have said ..... instead. 🤣
It is basically monotropism. Our brain constantly needs to redirect and we don’t like that. We work with attention tunnels. And small talk feels like unpredictable obstacles in that tunnel.
I feel seen. I hate when people ask me how I'm doing without a real interest in reality. I also hate the answer good when I ask this question (= if I am interested), because there's so much more to know about them.
I get this! For me, that’s why it’s tricky - especially with strangers. Which category will it be? Someone who wants a real answer or no? Also it’s different based on where you are. Deb comes from a town where “how are you?” usually leads to a real (long) conversation - so sometimes we are traveling in other places, she actually responds to “How are you?” like she would in her hometown. And then she realizes that “How are you?” is just the standard greeting there, like hello. How confusing is that?! 😅 makes me tired just thinking about it 🫠
Agreed! I can handle adjusting to scenarios where "how are you" is a greeting (stores, for instance), and it's challenging when friends and/or family switch between whether they really want to know or a passing greeting.
That's what I said the other day. If they aren't really interested then why ask "How are you?" It feels hypocritical to reply "Fine, thanks." when in reality I want to say "I really don't know, I think I feel kinda odd today, but I'm not sure. I don't I feel happy..." Just hear them quickly change the subject and start telling about how rude the guy at the checkout counter was to them that morning.
That's what I like most about going shopping in Germany. You need exactly 3 words to be considered polite: "Hi." "Cash/Card." "Bye." That's it. 😀 (And you could even go without any of these.) Just make sure you pack up quickly, because man these cash desk people are so fast!
I live in Estonia, where self-check is everywhere!!! So amazing!!! And if you have to use the check line it is also just hi, no bag, card, thanks, but it is optional, so, there is no issue if you don't say anything.
I'm half German, half Scottish so I get it!! I moved to the USA in 2012 (married an American) and wow, do they love small talk here! I mean, it seems sincere in a way, and people here generally seem to actually care about you and give you genuine, warm smiles etc, BUT I'm also an in introverted, inattentive adhd female, strongly suspect autistic too, and the sensory everything about the USA is a lot for me, lol. Sometimes I love it (adhd novelty stim seeking etc) but other times it's pure exhausting for me. I'm in Florida, too. So, hot & humid for so much of the year. Oh, the heat. Sweat, and constant sunny brightness lol. Did I say I "suspect" I'm autistic? Sounds like most definitely. 😅😢
This is the heart of the what I call my double edged sword of going out in the world. Being autistic, I like routines and once I find places to shop that I like, I will continue to go there over and over, each place for the specific things I get from there. The problem is that over time the employees get to know me. Which makes them want to engage in more and more small talk…which makes it really uncomfortable. I have abandoned gong places entirely if people get to know me too well and want to talk to me too much. I have to wait for them to get new staff, which they generally do eventually, before I can go back.
And now I realise that I’ve been doing this constantly over my many years. I’ve had to stop going to so many of my favourite places because of the small talk. I feel doubly bad because I’ve learned to lean into my ADHD energy and fake chattiness… before suddenly disappearing because they now think I LOVE small talk 😂. The joys of late diagnosed AuDHD.
I'm a concierge. I hate small talk but people expect certain responses (fine and you) and will get mad if they don't hear it. My directness sometimes get me called an asshole. I'm high functioning \ high marking and undiagnosed due to the expense. These videos help me not feel so weird.
My biggest social interaction follies are when the waiter says their usual lines like "Enjoy your food." and I say "You too!" Or at the movie theater: "Enjoy the movie." I'll say "Thanks, you too!" 🤦♂ Just let me walk away. I can also tell someone off without them realizing it because they think I'm joking. I consider that my "superpower", I don't even have to swear or act mad/mean! I like my conversations to be honest, factual and to the point. I'm also old enough that I just "own up to being weird" when I'm with people. They like to hang around me to see what I'll blurt out next that is either inappropriate or just completely bonkers to them. Sometimes I'll share what I'm thinking just to catch them off guard with my odd thoughts too 😁 My boyfriend purposely tells me the wrong answer to a question I want to know because he thinks it's funny to annoy me. UGH. I'm known for my laugh, everyone hears it and it makes them happy. But underneath all my chuckling is just me being very nervous and unsure about everything I say. Thank you Chris and Debby!
Because of this, a lot of people have accused me of being stand offish. When i get home from social situations i am either over stimulated or mentally exhausted, depending on the situation
As an undiagnosed autistic person who worked in the service industry for two years and a half, I had to do daily small talk with complete strangers. That teached me a lot on how to handle myself, but that didn't make it any less tiring since it ended in a meltdown, but small talk was just a part of the cause. What's so important about the weather. Why are you asking me how I feel if all I can say is "I'm fine" when I'm not. It's not like you actually care. I can't overshare anything but I can't not talk either. So it's a constant back and forth. I hold no interest in common topics so I know nothing about them, yet I'm supposed to know because it's common knowledge. But I don't care, I'll forget about it right the next day, so why make the effort to learn useless information just to accomodate their small talk tendencies?
Yes, small talk is a waste of time. The social norms around it take away so much energy. What's even the point in it, if you're not meant to say what you think or feel? Why even bother asking how someone is? I personally would pick deep talk over small talk every time. It's usually focusing on only one or few topics and have some intense thoughts about it, instead of touching an infinite amount of topics, that passed already, as soon as my brain processed there was a change. Deep talk can also be tiring, but in a satisfying way. In a way that feels like having accomplished something. Sadly, many of the NT people in my life don't like this kind of conversation. And those, who enjoyed it, later turned out to be ND 😄
8 is by far my biggest factor. Because my ADHD side is heavily into associative thinking, and can do it pretty fast, I could wing it pretty good for a long time. It’s pretty easy for me to pivot to a subject that interests me, sometimes it’s even associated with what the other person just said, at least a little, LOL. But yes, my slow processing has meant that I review interactions after the fact - I analyze everything, after all - and have ruminated over mistakes I made without realizing it for enough decades that my social anxiety has gradually become paralyzing. I’m also finally more conscious of what I’m supposed to do, and that has finally made me notice my autistic traits much more. If I don’t “wing” my conversations, they are exhausting and just hard to do at all. For myself, I seem to deeply resent the idea that how I’m comfortable conversing is wrong. I get why I should not monologue. But I truly don’t understand why I have to show interest in what the other person is saying by techniques I’m no good at. If I tell a like story, it means I’m engaged and empathizing. I don’t want people asking ME questions, for the reasons you cited. Why do I have to ask them questions to “look interested”? Lastly, yeah, who cares about mundane details of life? I stopped being able to write letters around puberty, because I’d try to think about what I’d been up to, and I found it all too boring to share. It’s not that I only want to talk about myself! Special interests, sure. How my weekend was? What??
"Can't tell her she looks like a circus clown because I'll get fired", hahahhaa and then "...again", hahahababa. Great video that sums up my experiences really well. Over time, I've just embraced saying whatever I like, such as the circus clown joke, and others "expect it" because I am "me". Makes it way less draining on the energy expenditure and actually turns the small talk dread into a creative game of how far can we push the edge of neurotypical response before they become so befuddled and feel like we did when they started the interaction that they exit the conversation for us.
I listen to other people small talk for ideas but I find the topics things I would never ask. I just don’t care about those things. This was a great watch and really helped me understand myself better.
Here's how to stop being thrown by, "How are you?". Translate those sound waves into: "Warning, I am within visible distance of you" . Reply "I'm great!, How are you?" which actually means "Noted, one of us needs to vacate this space!" Move out of visible range if possible. (There's no law that says you can't be audibly creative) Masking 101
I learned how to use canned answers to navigate and get through small talk quickly. I also learned how to make new canned answers too. I also bring people who are within ear-shot into the conversation so I dont need to repeat my canned answer 5 times in a row in the office
Ugh.... you bringing up delayed processing just brought up so many memories for me! Memories of me remembering things that had happened years or decades ago & suddenly realizing "Holy shit! She was coming on to me & I thought she was talking about some hypothetical pretend chick!!! Damn it, she was so hot & I had such a huge crush on her and all that time I was oblivious to all those hints!?!?! 😭🤣😮💨😁" And others not quite as fun but still...i wish my brain was a lot faster on putting such things together! On the other hand, I'm glad I also met so many people that were willing to just go for it rather than hinting & beating around the bush...my wife is one of those just go for it types & we've been together 21yrs now! Literally half our lives!!!
I was always proud of myself for not being “one of those guys” who hits on women all the time, and assumes that women are hitting on me. It’s only been recently, since I started understanding my neuro profile, that it occurred to me that I could have missed someone who was actually showing interest. Partly I’d been with the same women for many years, but we’re separated now. Glad you and your wife are on the same wavelength! I swear my wife could also be autistic, but we never learned to communicate clearly, and some of my traits she has trouble seeing for what they are to me.
@@jimwilliams3816 Thank you for being a guy who doesn't hit on women. You have no idea how demeaning and obnoxious it is to be on the receiving end of that. Or maybe you do, because you don't do it. I'm grateful to be older now -- it doesn't happen as much. Maybe you and your wife could make it work with some counseling, and being open about neurodivergence? Communication is really hard. My husband and I (44 years together) are learning a lot about each other that we didn't know before I figured out that I'm autistic.
I explained my mental energy to my kids using donuts instead of spoons. I told them to imagine during my recharge time by myself I'm "making donuts". Sometimes I end up with "a bag full" and I want to share the donuts with my kids and loved ones. But when I go to work or I'm out running errands and people talk to me they are taking my donuts. I can feel the bag of donuts getting empty. I desperately want to save some donuts for my family when I get home. But most of the time others end up taking all my donuts. And by the time I get home from work I am overwhelmed and shutting down. My kids are older now and still ask if I have a donut for them.
Holy cow did you nail this! I shared it with friends and family. I wish I'd known it about myself decades ago. I was diagnosed when I was getting ready to retire when I just couldn't be an employee anymore. I now understand the struggle in the workplace. Knowing some of this may have changed the trajectory of my career and I hope more young people get this information.
Thanks for sharing with your community! And yes, I agree that I also wish I would have known earlier that no, it’s not easy for everyone and that’s okay. That struggle is real but it feels like not enough people understand it yet. Not engaging in chit chat often gets you labeled as cold or rude or unfriendly, but really, it’s me just guarding my energy so I can make it through the day 😅 it’s helped a lot after my diagnosis for me to explain this to my colleagues but like you, I also hope more people can understand too!
As a neurotypical person, I can confirm that I hate small talks just as much. I think we just tolerate them better or maybe are better equipped at dealing with them, but the sheer energy exerted or the amount of annoyance felt are no less. It's especially bad at work, which is why I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day or a work trip. There's just so many meaningless conversations, and topics I give zero f's with, and all the fake laughs I have to do... I often just need to be alone when I get home, eat something while I watch my favorite show, or just veg out on the couch scrolling on my phone.... everything in that nature feels peaceful and enjoyable.
I listen to questions others ask in small talk and use it in future chats as a way to get someone talking so that I don’t have to talk. I just smile and nod.
That's always my problem with small talk is that it's always unplanned for me so I have trouble holding conversations especially with people I'm unfamiliar with. Truthfully, it's hard even with people I know because it's hard to keep up with everything about them. It's hard for me as well to make my tone sound like I'm interested in a conversation and it's hard for me to tell sarcasm. I also struggle with oversharing as I feel sometimes I share too many personal details but it's hard to tell when I've said too much vs. not enough. I've bonded with people often by sharing my special interests. It's really helped me make more friends in recent years.
Here in Norway we don’t do small talk with strangers, it’s a weird thing to do, people might think there’s something wrong with you if you talk to strangers without a good reason.
Whenever I talk to people, it feels like a game of Tetris. There are "right" moves that move the conversation along and "mistakes". And if I hit too many "mistake" blocks I'm just done for the day. Every response in a conversation needs to "fit" or else I just feel it using up more space until I can't talk any more. There are certain people I avoid having arguments with because they waste MY precious block space with their excessive use of words.
A wonderful video. Even as a child, I’ve never liked small talk because it seemed to serve no purpose. I knew which children were interesting, comics, bullies, nose pickers, pant wetters, and whom had a greater chance of knowing the right answer. Why engage in small-talk when nothing big came out of it? I would tell the teacher that I’m here and endured the whole unison greeting, “good morning, Mrs. Mackenzie.” I was truly intrigued about greetings when I first read the Hobbit and got to the part where Bilbo tells Gandalf, “good morning.” The dialog was mind-blowing to me and that opened up a whole fascination with conversation. - I grew up learning the small-talk dance and still cringe. I did learn who my friends were because there is no small talk. There were announcements, status, and questions. “I’m here. I changed the fluids in my car. I have a headache. Do you want to first talk about holograms, magic systems, or something else? The weather is nice and talking beside you while walking is preferable.” Shaking hands is anachronistic. I usually just hold a pen and raise my hand. I don’t have a weapon, I don’t want to test our grips, I don’t belong to a secret society-well, that’s not entirely true. Actually, Covid streamlined that by making it acceptable to just show our fist without touching. Knuckle-bumping is doable. - An ironically lovely movie to watch, Being There, with Peter Sellers is unexpectedly poignant. Yes, autism confers superpowers.
I just went on the first business trip of my career. I’m lucky to have a full-time job as an autistic adult. But there were hours-long cocktail buffet socializing among total strangers. I felt like I was abandoned as an infant in a wild prehistoric jungle.😅 at the end of the two days I almost had a meltdown at night and accidentally bruised myself for stimming too much. I felt so angry about the organization. It’s not easy to keep a job as autistic adults and we need to do something about it
I’m expected to travel for a work conference every couple of years. When I tried to talk my way out of it, my boss said it would be valuable to make social connections with other people in the industry. I laughed out loud. Lady, that’s the last thing that’s going to happen with me in a room full of hundreds of people.
Small talk feels like a violation. It’s rude of you not to want to engage. But I find it rude to walk up to a stranger and expect them to talk about nothing unprovoked.
I feel like it’s rude when someone you don’t know asks what you do for a living. To me it’s like asking how much money do you have. I feel like saying none of your business. Once upon a time it was rude to ask such a question.
Some of my life's most psycho-viscerally shattering moments have been surprise parties thrown for me. The inner volcano of recoil, panic, "untetheredness" (if that makes sense), the utter unscripted abyss on every level in this sudden emotional demand, with all these people waiting for me to validate the surprise as the bestest thing that ever happened to me, it's just...unspeakable. It feels like dying.
A surprise party sounds like the most terrifying experience. 😮 who were the people who clearly didn’t know you well? Or your masking skills are very good maybe. 🎉
@@saragoltz1191 My masking skills are Oscar-worthy! 😄 Which has come at a huge visceral cost over 65 years. And of course, the classic point for autistic people, I never knew, either, so I didn't know I was "masking," just thought I was trying to be normal. You're so right, so-o-o right, saragoltz, about people not knowing me at all. So often, it's all about keeping the matrix, the hivemind, satisfied, not about really seeing a person in his/her uniqueness, isn't it? One friend, my dearest life-friend, who was helpless to forestall the surprise, at least understood me, even without knowing (any more than I could have) why or what it was behing this torturing me so much. He shared my "secret," knew how awful this was for me, did his best to reassure and buck me up with a caring smile and word. It meant a lot, a huge lot, at least relieved some of the existential loneliness.
@@kensears5099 Oh yes, what a horrible thought! Don’t understand why anyone thinks that surprise parties are such a wonderful idea - much better perhaps for the giver than the receiver!😄
I'm thankful of how honest I generally am, cause since I was a little kid I say I hate having birthday parties and I always tell every friend how I hate the idea of surprises. But even then, I'm always scared someone will think this is a good idea and try to throw some at me (til this day people still come visit me in my birthdays even though I say I really don't like it, so idk). My stress this week is thinking what I should do this Tuesday since I just wanted to be quiet in my home for my birthday, but that might not happen. Oh, well...
Thank you for putting that feeling of recoiling and “untetheredness” into words. When I left a job a few years back for another one (remote, but in a wework sort of one-person office setup), the old boss asked me what sort of going away party I’d like. I said just to spend a calm moment with the half dozen folks in our small department for a tea and coffee break. When I got in on the day, she had turned it into a company-wide party, held directly outside my then-office, with tables set up with food platters, lots of chairs and chatting, lots of bustle and noise and people. To this day I’m not sure whether she thought I hadn’t really meant what I said, whether she just held the kind of party she likes, whether she thought a big splash looked better for her department...
5:00 around here I see a possible topic for a video, how (in my very limited experience) for some of us clothing is at best an afterthought, where the only important thing is comfort, not how it matches, how it looks or how it "fits". I just hate when people go on and on about how you should "dress well" and what not... for me this is just a piece of cloth, that very likely was gifted to me since clothing stores are just hell from my point of view.
Someone, I managed to last a year doing phone sales. Through sheer brute force, I managed to learn some basic small talk techniques. The one I still use is to introduce a question with: "I am curious." It disarms the other person and you can ask personal questions and get to the part of conversation that is interesting.
2:21 I actually got really into weather because I learned about it to be able to talk about weather in small talk. Now weather talks turn into weather info dumping! Turns out, people don’t want to talk about weather *like that*. 😬
I’m not a fan of small talk either. But I’m 73 now, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve more or less learned to play the game by uttering something that sounds like some kind of answer. I try to say something pretty much con-committal and talk around what ever the subject is. While I don’t have an official diagnosis, I can check most of the boxes to one degree or another. At this point I don’t think a formal diagnosis would really even matter.
11:00 correct. Smalltalk is such a chore. Funny how allistics use it to make conversations less stressful, while we're stressed out by it and just waiting to be done with the fluff
I'm not sure if I am autistic or not but man so many of your topics hit hard. I hope to get a proper diagnosis one day and thank you for sharing all this. Side note, the color saturation is very high in this video. It looks wonderful honestly but at the same time makes it very difficult to focus on the topic because now it's all I can see and I keep glancing outside and wishing the green trees popped this much in reality.
I actually got a bad review at a job because i hate small talk. It was a client facing role (corporate clients) but not sales. I would start a call and then go silent while waiting for everyone to join. Apparently this was unacceptable. Thankfully i got fired from that job after burning out...
Thanks for the videos. So glad I found your channel. This video really struck a chord. If my hotel room is only a couple of storeys up, I’ll take the stairs. Just to avoid the off chance of being joined in the lift and having to go through the ‘which floor’ chat. Also, if I can, I’ll avoid taxis and walk or take the bus or tube. I understand the rules of courteous interaction on tubes and buses (and i can keep my headphones on). I never know what the level of chat is going to be from well-intentioned taxi drivers, and whatever it is, I’ll be replaying it for the rest of day.
I’m just sad I can only give this video 1 like-I wish I could give it a million! Great video. This is such a good explanation of how I hate small talk. Can we make this a required video for neurotypicals?
I really enjoyed this video thank you. Lots of insights for me as a newly and late diagnosed autistic. I'm interested in how autistics connect in a different way to neuro typical people. Could you please speak to that? 😊
I have been going through a lot of health challenges recently. I have friends who, when we meet, will ask "how are you?". It's something more than small talk because, if I were to button them down on it, they would say that they sincerely want to know how I'm coping... However, the alexithymia kicks in and i can't figure it out in the moment, plus they aren't such close friends that i want to give them intimate details of my health issues, plus it's just kinda depressing to explain it (especially several times as i might have several people come up to me consecutively). I'm trying to normalize asking "have you had any interesting experiences lately?", but changing society is impossible.
I have to have long client meetings to go over large scale project details and they often devulge into an hour or so of getting to know each other. I pretty much disassociate and let my subconscious take over and when it's done I don't remember anything but they are happy. Thanks subconscious!
What I've learned from being in retail is that small talk is maintenance language for some folks to be able to make sure that the people they see regularly are still operating nominally.
What I lately realized is that there is a huge different in US small talk, and what happens here in the Netherlands. I watched a couple of American expats (and TH-camrs) talking about the huge difference, where in the US it is a complex system with it seems a lot of lying, talking around things etc. that makes it insanely hard for autistic people, here our Dutch directness makes it a lot easier (I would even think that our directness feels almost autistic to a US citizen). This might be why I have trouble relating to the small talk is hard part of my autism diagnosis, yes social interaction is still hard when it takes a long time, but at least here directness is more the norm and appreciated so you don't have to act fake the entire time (and yes as an autistic adult I still am to blunt even for a Dutch person sometimes, but there is more place for it).
I'm not autistic, but as ADHD he spoke to the core of my soul. I hate smalltaks that don't move into smth meaningful immediately, but I also hate smalltaks on my coffee breaks, when they get so long I don't know how to escape
I’m a master when it comes to small talk … because I get anxious around other people… don’t want the situation become cringe… but it takes a toll when I arrive at home
This is one of the areas where I had the greatest imposter syndrome in my journey toward self-diagnosis. Because I don't actually mind small talk very much. In fact, I'll often instigate it when I'm dealing with a cashier or bank teller, because standing around silently feels uncomfortable to me. (And makes me worry that I'm coming off as cold or negative.) Because this attitude runs counter to the general trends of autism presentation, I thought that maybe I wasn't really autistic. Reading Devon Price's book "Unmasking Autism" helped me realize that there are other autistic people who are very social, like me, but it took a year of intense exploration for me to find that nugget toward self-acceptance.
I love reading your comments because it’s such a good reminder how diverse autism can look! If you enjoy small talk, you go right ahead and keep on doing it! 🙌
I also don't usually struggle with small talk, but I think that is because I have figured out some strategies that have made it easier. Often, when asked how are you, I will say, ready for the day to end. Or ready for Friday. That usually will lead to them sharing whatever they want to, and I can just nod. That usually fills their need for connection because they get to talk about themselves, which is what they really want, and then I can move on.
Devon Price strikes me as an extreme extrovert. I don't identify with some of what he says, because I'm an introvert. To me, this is a large unexplored and unaddressed difference in the field of autism -- extrovert vs introvert.
I learned a long time ago that when people ask “how are you?”, I must reciprocate with “fine, how are you?”, to which they respond “fine thanks”. They’re not actually asking you how you are, and if you tell them they’ll treat you like you’re a weirdo for answering. It’s expected every time you call someone, and I just refuse to do it.
Small talk is one of the reasons I stopped going to hair salons, apart from the loud music and noise of hair dryers. I learnt to cut and style my own hair and have never looked back.
funny thing is I actually enjoy talking about weather, but very few people want to discuss meteorology and space weather 🙃🤣 totally different than the small talk weather chit chat I know I occasionally enjoy chatting with a stranger on a plane or something, but I can see now how much masking went into most of those interactions, even when they were about interesting topics that felt beyond small talk. definitely now with everyone
My husband tried to tell an election joke, and the two autists at the table took it literally! He could not get a word in edgewise, because we actually talked about people over 18 who can not vote in the US. The joke he explained later, was about how some of the discussion seems to be that the candidates are speaking at a 12 year old level. I told him later, that you need to preface the joke with ‘I got a joke for you’ This is how us two autists preceded to discuss his ‘misinformation’ fact. In the US, some states do not allow convicted felons to vote, people with severe learning disabilities (cannot think of the correct politically correct term right now), or Native Americans on reservations that have no street names or house numbers. This has been alleviated/fixed in some states and reservations with the person drawing a map to their house, where some states do not accept anything but a physical address. These people usually have a post office box in town. To combat this, reservations have been giving road names and house numbers, but we are storytellers and visual thinkers. Everyone on the Rez knows that is where Jimmy’s Grandma Rose lives, and calls the road she lives on Jimmy’s Grandmas road and house number is literally Rose’s house with no number. Or my aunties place over near her mother Rose’s house. Just take the first left after passing Grandma Rose’s house. Since my Tribe was terminated in 1955, all the streets have names and house numbers. Except maybe the cultural buildings on Government Hill or the longhouse. There was a long discussion about Native Americans not being able to vote and they are the ones who should just have that right because it was their land, spoken by half European and Indian (from India) women who was having a coffee with.
This is right on the spot, as always Chris. Lol One thing that feels like small talk to me is having to take pictures with a group just because they want to... I don't even like to take pictures of myself alone and ppl don't seem to respect that, but if I refuse, I'm the rude one
Have you tried hiding in the bathroom during photo time? 😂 And yes, it feels similar to me in a lot of ways, but I also try to understand photos can be important, especially for people I don't see often...which is probably most people. But it also drains my social battery 😅
@ChrisandDebby I totally did that last time my co-workers wanted to take a picture! 😂 I too understand sometimes ppl just want to register the moment, like a birthday party. The thing is, I seem to attract all the "let's take a selfie" people..
I struggle with small talk bc I feel a compulsion to be honest when asked a question - such as "Hi, how are you?" I feel incapable of just replying with BS "Good, you?" So instead I'd end up sharing way too much personal information nobody gives a crap about. Eventually I found a way to be honest but not over share: "Oh you know, life is hard sometimes but I'm getting by - you?" Is now my planned honest response
Mine too, words to that effect! And if anyone replies with the same sort of answer, I know to say I hope things get better. I struggle with remembering to say the “you?” part of “Good, you?” but my “Getting by” or “Hanging on” seems to imply enough of “no, I’m not good” that people don’t seem to mind if I neglect to ask them how they are too.
@@jimwilliams3816 well considering I'm physically disabled (severe chronic pain in ¾ my body & in a wheelchair) & on oxygen, people seem to take my reply just fine - never gotten any sort of negative response from anyone for it, irl anyway
Amidst small talk I feel like an astronaut doing a space walk who suddenly realized he's been untethered from the ship. There's no connection, no direction, no tools at hand to fix the situation.
as a much younger person, when I thought of myself as the most important, smart and deeply thinker, I hated smalltalk. Because it seemed so meaningless, draining and pointless. When I grew up a bit, I realised that not every exchange of words needed to be "deep", "meaningful", "philosophical" or just really important. It's just a social lubricant and after developing a special interest in bodylanguage and how to read and understand people, I realised that small talk was a really helpful thing: I trained myself in reading people and to put my hypervigilance to a good use. Learning about behaviours, little tells, just engaging with another human being without the pressure of maintaining a deep connection. getting comfortable with it, even liking it because it gave me tons of really useful insights. That coworker had a rough few days, the boss is in a good mood, learned anchors for the next time (hey, how was that concert you told me about last time) and just get more fluent in social interactions. I'm definitily neurodivergent with adhd, maybe there is autism as well - but I kinda love small talk. But of course, my fondness of small talk can be brushed of with "you cannot be autistic" or "you're just masking" or whatever. There are times when my battery is drained where I will do a lot to avoid running into that neighbor, coworker because i just can't pull out that part of me. I'm also at least as extroverted as I am introverted, so that maybe is also a reason why I don't get the hatred of small talk. Also: living in germany, where the social norms for chit chat are a little different (its not that ubiquitous and you are expected to come to an end more quickly). I guess autistics not only have all the characteristics of dislike of change, love for routine, difficulties in social interactions, special interests and more - but to me it seems by listening to your content, the content of Taylor (Mom on the spectrum) and others - that being and knowing that your being autistic often goes hand in hand with a fixed mindset instead of growth mindset. You are all so caught up in explaining and cementing your difficulties and how bad all the neurotypical ways are for you, that you need to defend yourself, getting defensive and fixed in your view of yourself. You're autistic so small talk is bad, you're autistic, so you just hate any change, you only have your few spoons, neurotypicals make you mask and feel bad afterwards and the whole world is out to get you. Thats the underlying tone of a lot of your content. maybe adopting a growth mindset would make life in this society a little easier. By that I don't mean brush over your difficulties and just mask. Nah, I mean more like what I described in the process of how I learned to change my pov of small talk, try to use it as a learning opportunity, as a challenge to improve my social skills and knowledge about the world around me. improve my empathy and people reading skills - all the while still allowing myself to avoid it when I just don't have the energy: it is not that superficial masquerade of meaningless noise that I have to participate in to appear normal. It's a skillset that I learned and almost all skils you learn will help your confidence and you will want to use that skill.
so i spent most of this vidio identifing the plants behind you..very nice... im not autistic but can totally realate why carnt peeps just say hi and be done with it ,, how are yous make me want to give an honest assesment of my feelings health and how i realate in that moment knowing they dont want to know really that im hot hungry hate supermarkets and they smell bad...oh hum
I've got a script: " fine thanks how about you? Can you believe this weather we've been having? Well it was great running into you!" It fits no matter what kind of weather you've been having
Curious to watch this one. I think a lot of it has to do on how im doing. There are times, though, where I find it incredibly frustrating ngl. Mainly evolving around the whole "how are you?" bit, as when its not so good... I find it to be a bit triggering... I want to talk about it (even in passing, in a small dose), not gloss over it and pretend like everything is ok. It feels so... wrong. I get that we all are dealing with our own stuff, but please bare in mind not all of us are blessed to have a solid support network... and just to be seen and validated... yeah, its not your responsibility but the next time youre thinking someone is weirdly overstepping boundaries in this case... please try to opt to be more compassionate. Anyways, thank you internet for listening to my impromptu ted talk.
Will be interested to hear what you think after watching! But I also find many parts of it challenging and frustrating, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I also agree with your comment on hoping more people will be compassionate - the world definitely could use a litle more understanding and compassion! Hope to see you at the premiere soon 🙂
@ChrisAndDebby I despise small talk! Especially this year, with Kate Middleton being ill. I worry about her; she's my autistic special interest (along with Renaissance and Baroque music and pipe organs).
@@ChrisandDebby totally understand and can relate to the points made in the video. I think the only reason I've gotten more comfortable with the small talk is because I've done customer support roles for so long, so I've had a lot of practice. (You have it drilled in your head that any length of silence is bad, use your hold...!) If you are wanting to get better at it, strangers honestly are perfect to practice with. (If you mess up it's not like you'll have to deal with them again...) Ive sat and shot the breeze with random people in waiting rooms and waiting in line. That being said there are definitely times where I wish I had a sign that said please don't poke me, as I'm feeling rather fragile. Also, I often had to call in sick when I knew I couldn't wear the mask. It's definitely really difficult when either physically or mentally not feeling well. Now navigating and maintaining relationships long term is something I really struggle with. The small talk I know on a good day, with an appropriate amount of spoons, I can ace.
It only took about 20 seconds of your video before my stomach started feeling a clench from the automatic stress of knowing I need to small talk & appear “normal”.
I have no problem with small talk when it’s really small, like, tiny. And I enjoy talking about big stuff. It’s “medium” talk that crushes me. It’s the “how long is this supposed to go on” problem.
Eeek...yesterday I reluctantly substituted for an absent bowler on my husband's bowling team. I was super nervous and was being counted on by strangers. (I do not go to the ally while my husband bowls. It's loud and people want to talk about nothing.) So I convinced myself into believing i could have fun and just bowl. After all, it is a performance with my back turned that is done individually. Turns out there are dozens of unwritten rules. The very worst thing is that you are supposed to high five people after each one of them bowls. My spacial awareness causes me to miss and end up slapping wrists, and I am so overstimulated that I space off and do not notice when people are bowling or done with their turn....I layed down to rest after bowling, was exhausted, and could not sleep. I tossed around for 2 hours in bed. I woke up this morning and every high five, awkward conversation, and horrible throw of a bowling ball keeps replaying in my head. I have no idea what my face was doing yesterday because there was too much happening. I kept going outside to smoke. It is a good escape plan, but Do you have any idea how many people want to chat during a 7 minute cigarette? Omg, at least there were no high fives or loud noises outside. AWKWARD. SO AWKWARD.
With me it goes like this: A neurotypical throws a smalltalk topic at me and I embark on it...or a tangent... so enthusiastically, I don't notice the other person just leaves. Neurotypicals and their smalltalk are so boring I prefer to entertain myself. 😅
The relationship between the “ habit” of small talk and the autistic need for routine cannot be overstated…… because it actually cuts both ways, in my experience. While it’s true that planned leave us feeling disrupted, it’s also true that not getting regular conversations when we expect them can do the same thing, and talking with the few friends that we have is vital important. my list of friends isn’t particularly long, but deliberately seeking them out to say hello on a regular basis is explicit PART of my routine, for my perspective, and I feel disappointed or miffed when I don’t get the chance to talk to them, even even if it’s not about something very important.
All of these. I used to struggle with small talk until I realized I could get by with mostly listening, some polite nodding of my head, and then saying the same things in each situation. I’ve got a great script going for office environments. What I can’t figure out is how to take it from small talk to real talk and make a friend. I’m okay now with not having friends but it’s a puzzle to me when I observe other people. How did they know what to say? Funny thing is I thought I had this small talk skull in the bag. But after watching this video I realized maybe not so much. I avoid small talk at restaurants and grocery stores and anywhere else like the plague. If forced to participate in it, then I’m thinking of how to escape. And ending conversations is so hard!! Especially on the phone. I don’t know why it took me so long to recognize I was autistic. It seems so obvious to me now 😂.
I do find it a waste of time, and I find myself only engaging in conversation with a person I can gain knowledge and insight from. I call this habit "gleaning." After doing this for a while I then began to feel that I was being very selfish so I have forced myself to engage in small talk just for the sake of giving everyone a fair shake as it were. Now being middle-aged I've actually gotten fairly good at it
Sounds like you’ve figured out a good system for it - do you find that it changes based on the day? I can do it but especially after getting diagnosed and since being in burnout, I don’t put as much effort into it, especially when I’m really tired and overwhelmed
@@ChrisandDebbyOh yes absolutely, being retired I can pick my poison, as it were, and have the luxury of refraining from contact when not in the mood.
Wow. So the thumbnail alone summed up my entire experience. It brought me back to a day I was trying to write an important email at work, I was getting overstimulated because two coworkers were talking so loud and nonstop right by the computer and I just cracked and said “oh my god can you guys please stop talking?!” I said something like “how can you guys have SO MUCH to talk about?” And I felt bad and all but how unaware do people have to be to not consider anyone around them and the volume and amount of talking they are doing. Just massively inconsiderate in my opinion.
Honestly, I think I lucked out with small talk; one of my special interests is *people*, what they like and how they socialize, so though small talk is kinda boring, I can usually redirect things to subjects that are more interesting. how the person is really doing + their interests as examples, and then i can come back next time and ask them 'oh, anything interesting with that thing you mentioned?" And they are usually amazed/happy i remembered. That being said, i still do get exhausted after work a lot. My masking is usually holding myself back from over engaging/making sure I'm giving proper time for them to talk, and that takes a lot out of me...
I love talking. Really, deep conversations are really nice to have! And I have always been great at talking and specially listening to others, which made me good at small talking. But do I like small talks? Not at all lol. But I do feel like, when I have the energy and interest, I tend to transform small talks to deeper conversations, which make me more interested. Being a psychologist might make that habit easier, I think haha
Small talk is a form of pleasantry for people who engage in it, which are most likely neurotically. I derive no pleasure from small talk if the subject is not deep, meaningful and heavily reinforced with logic and real based facts, not opinion or perception, but being perceptive of the material that you’re talking about, breaking it down from first principal thinking and analyzing every little piece of it. If someone’s not willing to dive into a deep philosophical or psychological or science driven conversation, it is boring talking about rappers and pop stars don’t interest me talking about food unless I’m going to eat it is not as interesting either although I do like the culinary arts, but that doesn’t necessarily mean, I like talking about it in vertebrates any type of family tree of any kind is interesting RPG Tabletop, RPG dungeons and dragons, and anything that has to do with the workings of the human mind, behavioral therapies different types of communication, understanding the ends and out of it all.
I think this is a key difference - the deep dive into a topic rather than the chit chat where everything just grazes the surface. Those talks also drive my brain crazy and it’s hard to stay focused for longer than 10 seconds 😅
@@ChrisandDebby whenever I dive into a topic, I tend to overwhelm people, especially if it’s something I’m specially interested in even my partner is looking at me like slow down take a breath or they’re looking at me like you’ve already been talking about this for over two hours, no more lol 😂 I’ve gained some control over being able to not info dump, but it was definitely a difficult thing to learn
Person who I have known vaguely for years but whose name I don't know: Hi [my name] Me: Oh hi, how are you? Them: Doing well, thanks, how about you? Me: Yeah, good thanks, how are you? 😩
I struggle with small talk as well. 1. social interactions usually make me anxious. 2. they’re talking about nothing. literally, nothing. you could scramble the word order into nonsense and it wouldn’t change the actual conversation.
I tend to pause looking for the right words, the other person often thinks I've finished speaking and cuts me off , meaning I rarely get to express a complete thought. Very frustrating at times. 🙈🙉🙊
Hey, I am a late diagnosed high-Masking autist my self. I am from Germany with only very little experience in english. Your videos are helping me a lot. It's awesome to be able to voice thinks so clearly now thanks to your help. All those thinks i knew but wasn't able to voice can now be clearly communicated. Its helping my Marriage as well, because i can send your videos to my wife and say: "what he said" But I'm wondering. Could Debby make similar videos explaining how those thinks are for non autistic people. Like Smalltalk. What are they expecting from us? why is smalltalk good for them? What can I do to know when i should I talk or share a story? How do I know when silence is akward and when they are just processing? What does smalltalk feel like for them? Does smalltalk recharge the energy for them? Questions like those. I realy want to understand them a little better. Not only be understood.
Your English is very good. Your questions are also good. From what I've read, neurotypical people are not asking to find out how we are. The asking is a social ritual, to be answered with "Fine," even if that's a lie. They expect to be asked back, to which they are also supposed to respond with "Fine" (I usually forget that part). Then everyone can go on their way, with their obligations to the ritual met. Beyond that, I don't remember what I read (when something does not make sense to me, I don't usually remember it). If you keep reading the comments here, you will gain some information about your questions.
I hate small talk, but I do it well (at least from my perspective, I might be terrible and I just don’t know 😂) I used to avoid it like the plague, but I try to engage when I can. I see it as a neurotypical accommodation. I have also done well with it because I work a job where I have to rush around taking care of things so I always have an excuse to leave if the small talk goes on for more than a couple back and forths
So…How are you? 😂😂😂
But really, what’s your experience with small talk? What else would you add that’s different, and what resonated with your experiences? Let us know! 👇
HATE small talk! It's unnecessary noise and brain usage. Pointless! I hate pointless things.
I hate small talk, unless it’s about the weather 😂
It’s one of my special interests
@@b4by81tch Meteology ❤️
I don't like small talk, I never know when or how to end it and it is soo awkward for me 🙈 Also, when someone asks me "what's up?" I just freeze. My brain is working so hard to think of an answer but it's blank. I hate when this happens and it happens all the time even with friends and family 😅
@Sk.Sylvie when someone asks me what's up I just say 'everything that isn't down' gets a laugh and ends the small talk 😂
I come home from work in tears because I'm so spent. Not because of the physical work, but the socializing and masking. Thank you Chris and Debby
Yes!! And when people ask me why I’m tired, it’s so hard to explain (and also exhausting to talk about it too) - “well, the cashier at the store is just too friendly. My colleagues love to chat with me every time they pass me in the halls…” 😅
@@ClandestineGirl16X for decades I'd be mad at myself because I'd come home and fall asleep in my clothes. Too tired to even change. But I didn't know why so I thought I was lazy and was ashamed of myself 😪
It's all the loading/unloading of the social "module" for me, all while hoping the interaction doesn't create a negative or confused memory for me that is going to end up looping in my head
I'm so grateful to be able to work from home, and that my manager doesn't make us go on camera during zoom meetings. It makes all the difference!
I feel so seen and understood in the autistic community🥰🥰🥰
“Small talk is just NOISE”.
OMG - absolutely!!
❤
bro finally explained why i say "i dont know" when someone asks how i feel, it was a defense machanism my brain created to conserve my battery and end the convo quickly and i never even knew
I wish I could said that when I was younger, but it was "rude" and "unpolite" to not answer. So, I just said "good" even tho it was a lie... Now when someone ask I just say "meh" and sometimes I had used the I don't know one, which confuse people so much.
Interesting observation and food for thought. I have, in recent years, realized that I have a fair amount of alexithymia, and this is one reason I might say “I don’t know.” I usually say something borderline grim, because I can vaguely sense my nervous system, and it’s never happy. But how do I feel emotionally? That’s a hard one.
What I don’t know is what the roots of the alexithymia are. I’m pretty sure that some of it is legitimate intermittent connections, structural not psychological. Some of it does relate to big, dysregulated emotions. I think I feel less emotion than the average person when I’m in homeostasis, and big, mostly “negative” emotions means I manage better feeling very little. That I know is a defense mechanism.
But also, in line with your observations - I’ve learned to try and dodge the question because no one actually wants to know, which is both counterintuitive to me (why ask then?), and makes me sad because I feel even less connected to people. It doesn’t help that I interact with everyone the same, so I can over share out of context with tyecrealtionship. But even with people I’m closer to, I go into more detail than they want to know. Once I started therapy (which I did need), I became hyper focused on my inner life, and talking about it too much and in terms that others find confusing or upsetting is a big part of how I killed my marriage.
Which is a big rabbit hole of a riff off your comment, but the point being: not saying much is a defense mechanism, and one I frankly need to do more of, if I want to talk to anyone. Which I avoid these days, instead choosing to infodump on neurodivergent channels.
The horror is that if you successfully small talk, it keeps going!
Lol! There was an episode of The Middle pertaining to This! 😂
That is so true. Lololol!
This!
I learned to tone it down a lot or people start wanting to hang out with me. Growing up without a diagnosis, my mom drilled into me how to greet people and do small talk even a a kid. She was completely embarrassed and disappointed in me for not being outgoing, and would tell me I was rude, so she would make me fake it or else. Thus I became good at it. But without knowing it I began to unmask in middle age, even before my diagnosis, when I realized people where liking my mask (I had not idea that’s what it’s called back then) too much and wanting to invite me to do things I didn’t want to do. So now I’m not rude, but I try not to seem super duper friendly either. I finally got my diagnosis at 54, and it’s been hard for me to forgive my mom for her mistreatment of me as a little girl, and the trauma she inflicted on me, but I’m getting there
I work in groundskeeping. I specifically decided to go into this line of work because I was tired of people. I just wanted to put my headphones in and do my job.
However I currently work in a group of apartment complexes. I quickly found that if I walk by any of the tenants I'm expected to acknowledge them in some way or else I'll be seen as rude. After two years most of the long-term tenants know that if my headphones are in (which is all the time) you'll get a polite smile if I notice you, and maybe an extra wave at your cute dog, but that's it. So at least we've settled on a middle ground
I'm that way on neighborhood walks with my dog. I cringe when I see someone coming and usually cross to the other side of the street..
That’s why I’m an overnight custodian.
Before I got in a car wreck that left me with a partially paralyzed arm, I was pretty happy doing manual work at a factory. The breaks were short and the work itself left no time to socialize. My health would have gone down had I stayed there because the chemicals. So as it turns out the car wreck was the best thing that ever happened to me because now I comfortably live in a shed in the woods. It's a real dream come true. Not sure if I have autism or not but seeing everyone here thinking similarly makes me want to get a proper diagnosis.
@@Meenaia Living in a shed in the woods honestly sounds awesome
I haven't gotten an autism diagnosis but I was diagnosed with adhd back when I was a kid. There's so many overlapping things with those two issues I don't know if it's the adhd or if I've got autism too
You talking about not being prepared reminds me of how I mitigate small talk: By having a couple things to share that ARE prepared and that DO have some substance, but that can be shared quickly and be done with.
An example:
- NT: "Hey how are you doing?"
- ND: "Good! My favorite comic just updated, and the villain exploded into snakes.""
At which point, someone who actually wants to connect and engage with you can do so, and the rest of the "polite" chaff will feel awkward, go silent, leave, or whatever.
Point is this: we can't play their game, we just don't have the same resources, so go ahead and change the rules to cut down the ambiguity and anxiety. Make THEM decide if they want to respect and follow your authenticity.
my response: "still alive." the awkwardness of some people is funny.
@breinfrog5879 That is a wonderful filter, find yourself the real ones who give a damn.
@@3X3NTR1K that comic sounds awesome 🙌
@ChrisandDebby Yeah, I kinda wish I hadn't invented it just for the example, lol. My brain just threw together jaffar (alladin) and oogie-boogie (nightmare before xmas) for that one, them blew it up. But I'm sure some comic sometime has done it properly.
Cashier: HI How are you today?
Me: I don’t wanna be here.
Accurate and concise 😂
Wait, let me think about it. 10 seconds later, awkward 10 seconds, I think I am ok. For now, we shall see later. People think I am funny, the sarcasm/dry humor kind of funny. But I was actually seriously thinking about it.
Customer: How are you?
Me, a cashier: I don't want to be here
(I *do* say this, if they're a customer who I know will be compassionate)
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: Thanks. You too.
Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Good, You?
Cashier: Have a nice day.
Me: It's going to rain later.
Me later in my head as I'm driving out of the parking lot: I should have said ..... instead.
🤣
🤣
It is basically monotropism. Our brain constantly needs to redirect and we don’t like that. We work with attention tunnels. And small talk feels like unpredictable obstacles in that tunnel.
Monotropism explains my experiences perfectly. All my struggles are fundamentally caused by difficulties with task switching.
I feel seen. I hate when people ask me how I'm doing without a real interest in reality. I also hate the answer good when I ask this question (= if I am interested), because there's so much more to know about them.
I get this! For me, that’s why it’s tricky - especially with strangers. Which category will it be? Someone who wants a real answer or no? Also it’s different based on where you are. Deb comes from a town where “how are you?” usually leads to a real (long) conversation - so sometimes we are traveling in other places, she actually responds to “How are you?” like she would in her hometown. And then she realizes that “How are you?” is just the standard greeting there, like hello. How confusing is that?! 😅 makes me tired just thinking about it 🫠
Agreed! I can handle adjusting to scenarios where "how are you" is a greeting (stores, for instance), and it's challenging when friends and/or family switch between whether they really want to know or a passing greeting.
That's what I said the other day. If they aren't really interested then why ask "How are you?" It feels hypocritical to reply "Fine, thanks." when in reality I want to say "I really don't know, I think I feel kinda odd today, but I'm not sure. I don't I feel happy..."
Just hear them quickly change the subject and start telling about how rude the guy at the checkout counter was to them that morning.
That's what I like most about going shopping in Germany. You need exactly 3 words to be considered polite: "Hi." "Cash/Card." "Bye."
That's it. 😀 (And you could even go without any of these.)
Just make sure you pack up quickly, because man these cash desk people are so fast!
Oh why can't it be like this where I live 😩 It would make going out so much easier
@@WallflowerCat7 You don't have to talk to people more than you like to. Just don't do small talk if you don't like it.
It was similar in the UK when I lived there ❤
I live in Estonia, where self-check is everywhere!!! So amazing!!! And if you have to use the check line it is also just hi, no bag, card, thanks, but it is optional, so, there is no issue if you don't say anything.
I'm half German, half Scottish so I get it!! I moved to the USA in 2012 (married an American) and wow, do they love small talk here! I mean, it seems sincere in a way, and people here generally seem to actually care about you and give you genuine, warm smiles etc, BUT I'm also an in introverted, inattentive adhd female, strongly suspect autistic too, and the sensory everything about the USA is a lot for me, lol. Sometimes I love it (adhd novelty stim seeking etc) but other times it's pure exhausting for me. I'm in Florida, too. So, hot & humid for so much of the year. Oh, the heat. Sweat, and constant sunny brightness lol. Did I say I "suspect" I'm autistic? Sounds like most definitely. 😅😢
LOL, I’d LOVE to talk about the weather!! I highly doubt the other person will be as fulfilled, at the end, as me! ❤🌦️
The weather can be a special interest! It was for my father. One of his cousins went so far as to become a meteorologist.
This is the heart of the what I call my double edged sword of going out in the world. Being autistic, I like routines and once I find places to shop that I like, I will continue to go there over and over, each place for the specific things I get from there. The problem is that over time the employees get to know me. Which makes them want to engage in more and more small talk…which makes it really uncomfortable. I have abandoned gong places entirely if people get to know me too well and want to talk to me too much. I have to wait for them to get new staff, which they generally do eventually, before I can go back.
Ugh, I have to change the Starbucks I've been going to bc they now know my name. I have to laugh at myself bc I know it's me. 😂
😂 "I'm gonna need you guys to go ahead and quit"..
And now I realise that I’ve been doing this constantly over my many years. I’ve had to stop going to so many of my favourite places because of the small talk. I feel doubly bad because I’ve learned to lean into my ADHD energy and fake chattiness… before suddenly disappearing because they now think I LOVE small talk 😂. The joys of late diagnosed AuDHD.
I'm a concierge. I hate small talk but people expect certain responses (fine and you) and will get mad if they don't hear it. My directness sometimes get me called an asshole. I'm high functioning \ high marking and undiagnosed due to the expense. These videos help me not feel so weird.
My biggest social interaction follies are when the waiter says their usual lines like "Enjoy your food." and I say "You too!"
Or at the movie theater: "Enjoy the movie." I'll say "Thanks, you too!" 🤦♂ Just let me walk away.
I can also tell someone off without them realizing it because they think I'm joking. I consider that my "superpower", I don't even have to swear or act mad/mean!
I like my conversations to be honest, factual and to the point. I'm also old enough that I just "own up to being weird" when I'm with people. They like to hang around me to see what I'll blurt out next that is either inappropriate or just completely bonkers to them. Sometimes I'll share what I'm thinking just to catch them off guard with my odd thoughts too 😁
My boyfriend purposely tells me the wrong answer to a question I want to know because he thinks it's funny to annoy me. UGH.
I'm known for my laugh, everyone hears it and it makes them happy. But underneath all my chuckling is just me being very nervous and unsure about everything I say.
Thank you Chris and Debby!
Because of this, a lot of people have accused me of being stand offish. When i get home from social situations i am either over stimulated or mentally exhausted, depending on the situation
As an undiagnosed autistic person who worked in the service industry for two years and a half, I had to do daily small talk with complete strangers. That teached me a lot on how to handle myself, but that didn't make it any less tiring since it ended in a meltdown, but small talk was just a part of the cause.
What's so important about the weather. Why are you asking me how I feel if all I can say is "I'm fine" when I'm not. It's not like you actually care. I can't overshare anything but I can't not talk either. So it's a constant back and forth. I hold no interest in common topics so I know nothing about them, yet I'm supposed to know because it's common knowledge. But I don't care, I'll forget about it right the next day, so why make the effort to learn useless information just to accomodate their small talk tendencies?
One of the best channels on autism.
Yes, small talk is a waste of time. The social norms around it take away so much energy. What's even the point in it, if you're not meant to say what you think or feel? Why even bother asking how someone is?
I personally would pick deep talk over small talk every time. It's usually focusing on only one or few topics and have some intense thoughts about it, instead of touching an infinite amount of topics, that passed already, as soon as my brain processed there was a change. Deep talk can also be tiring, but in a satisfying way. In a way that feels like having accomplished something.
Sadly, many of the NT people in my life don't like this kind of conversation. And those, who enjoyed it, later turned out to be ND 😄
8 is by far my biggest factor. Because my ADHD side is heavily into associative thinking, and can do it pretty fast, I could wing it pretty good for a long time. It’s pretty easy for me to pivot to a subject that interests me, sometimes it’s even associated with what the other person just said, at least a little, LOL. But yes, my slow processing has meant that I review interactions after the fact - I analyze everything, after all - and have ruminated over mistakes I made without realizing it for enough decades that my social anxiety has gradually become paralyzing. I’m also finally more conscious of what I’m supposed to do, and that has finally made me notice my autistic traits much more. If I don’t “wing” my conversations, they are exhausting and just hard to do at all.
For myself, I seem to deeply resent the idea that how I’m comfortable conversing is wrong. I get why I should not monologue. But I truly don’t understand why I have to show interest in what the other person is saying by techniques I’m no good at. If I tell a like story, it means I’m engaged and empathizing. I don’t want people asking ME questions, for the reasons you cited. Why do I have to ask them questions to “look interested”?
Lastly, yeah, who cares about mundane details of life? I stopped being able to write letters around puberty, because I’d try to think about what I’d been up to, and I found it all too boring to share. It’s not that I only want to talk about myself! Special interests, sure. How my weekend was? What??
thank you for building a safe and beautifully designed space for your fans.
"Can't tell her she looks like a circus clown because I'll get fired", hahahhaa
and then "...again", hahahababa.
Great video that sums up my experiences really well. Over time, I've just embraced saying whatever I like, such as the circus clown joke, and others "expect it" because I am "me". Makes it way less draining on the energy expenditure and actually turns the small talk dread into a creative game of how far can we push the edge of neurotypical response before they become so befuddled and feel like we did when they started the interaction that they exit the conversation for us.
I listen to other people small talk for ideas but I find the topics things I would never ask. I just don’t care about those things. This was a great watch and really helped me understand myself better.
I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling thrown by the 'How are you?' question. Thanks Chris and Debby. Beautiful foliage, by the way ❤
The foliage is amazing! Stared at it through the entire video 😍
Here's how to stop being thrown by, "How are you?". Translate those sound waves into: "Warning, I am within visible distance of you" . Reply "I'm great!, How are you?" which actually means "Noted, one of us needs to vacate this space!" Move out of visible range if possible. (There's no law that says you can't be audibly creative) Masking 101
Clothing tags, the bane of my existence. 😂
I hate HATE HAAATE when i walk into the office and i get asked "how are you?" I can't engage with superficial niceties
I can't tell you unless you pay me cash right now 😅
Or if you give an honest answer and they look at you like you have three heads and don't know what to say back.
@@Casmomof3 ugh even worse. now MORE talking hahahah
@@BulbaTube 😂
I learned how to use canned answers to navigate and get through small talk quickly. I also learned how to make new canned answers too. I also bring people who are within ear-shot into the conversation so I dont need to repeat my canned answer 5 times in a row in the office
Ugh.... you bringing up delayed processing just brought up so many memories for me! Memories of me remembering things that had happened years or decades ago & suddenly realizing "Holy shit! She was coming on to me & I thought she was talking about some hypothetical pretend chick!!! Damn it, she was so hot & I had such a huge crush on her and all that time I was oblivious to all those hints!?!?! 😭🤣😮💨😁"
And others not quite as fun but still...i wish my brain was a lot faster on putting such things together! On the other hand, I'm glad I also met so many people that were willing to just go for it rather than hinting & beating around the bush...my wife is one of those just go for it types & we've been together 21yrs now! Literally half our lives!!!
I was always proud of myself for not being “one of those guys” who hits on women all the time, and assumes that women are hitting on me. It’s only been recently, since I started understanding my neuro profile, that it occurred to me that I could have missed someone who was actually showing interest.
Partly I’d been with the same women for many years, but we’re separated now. Glad you and your wife are on the same wavelength! I swear my wife could also be autistic, but we never learned to communicate clearly, and some of my traits she has trouble seeing for what they are to me.
@@jimwilliams3816 Thank you for being a guy who doesn't hit on women. You have no idea how demeaning and obnoxious it is to be on the receiving end of that. Or maybe you do, because you don't do it. I'm grateful to be older now -- it doesn't happen as much.
Maybe you and your wife could make it work with some counseling, and being open about neurodivergence? Communication is really hard. My husband and I (44 years together) are learning a lot about each other that we didn't know before I figured out that I'm autistic.
I explained my mental energy to my kids using donuts instead of spoons.
I told them to imagine during my recharge time by myself I'm "making donuts". Sometimes I end up with "a bag full" and I want to share the donuts with my kids and loved ones. But when I go to work or I'm out running errands and people talk to me they are taking my donuts. I can feel the bag of donuts getting empty. I desperately want to save some donuts for my family when I get home. But most of the time others end up taking all my donuts. And by the time I get home from work I am overwhelmed and shutting down.
My kids are older now and still ask if I have a donut for them.
Holy cow did you nail this! I shared it with friends and family. I wish I'd known it about myself decades ago. I was diagnosed when I was getting ready to retire when I just couldn't be an employee anymore. I now understand the struggle in the workplace. Knowing some of this may have changed the trajectory of my career and I hope more young people get this information.
Thanks for sharing with your community! And yes, I agree that I also wish I would have known earlier that no, it’s not easy for everyone and that’s okay. That struggle is real but it feels like not enough people understand it yet. Not engaging in chit chat often gets you labeled as cold or rude or unfriendly, but really, it’s me just guarding my energy so I can make it through the day 😅 it’s helped a lot after my diagnosis for me to explain this to my colleagues but like you, I also hope more people can understand too!
As a neurotypical person, I can confirm that I hate small talks just as much. I think we just tolerate them better or maybe are better equipped at dealing with them, but the sheer energy exerted or the amount of annoyance felt are no less. It's especially bad at work, which is why I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day or a work trip. There's just so many meaningless conversations, and topics I give zero f's with, and all the fake laughs I have to do... I often just need to be alone when I get home, eat something while I watch my favorite show, or just veg out on the couch scrolling on my phone.... everything in that nature feels peaceful and enjoyable.
I listen to questions others ask in small talk and use it in future chats as a way to get someone talking so that I don’t have to talk. I just smile and nod.
That's always my problem with small talk is that it's always unplanned for me so I have trouble holding conversations especially with people I'm unfamiliar with. Truthfully, it's hard even with people I know because it's hard to keep up with everything about them. It's hard for me as well to make my tone sound like I'm interested in a conversation and it's hard for me to tell sarcasm. I also struggle with oversharing as I feel sometimes I share too many personal details but it's hard to tell when I've said too much vs. not enough. I've bonded with people often by sharing my special interests. It's really helped me make more friends in recent years.
Yes, I have the same experiences so often too. But so true about getting good friends who get it - that’s great you’ve found them 😊
To me smalltalk = neurotypical screeching 🤣
It's like scratching with nails on a chalkboard, but the larger part of the group somehow enjoys it and feels offended when you ask them to stop.
💯
Yeap, nails on a chalkboard.
As you've written this I can hear it
Here in Norway we don’t do small talk with strangers, it’s a weird thing to do, people might think there’s something wrong with you if you talk to strangers without a good reason.
I think I may need to move there
@ You’re welcome 😊
Whenever I talk to people, it feels like a game of Tetris. There are "right" moves that move the conversation along and "mistakes". And if I hit too many "mistake" blocks I'm just done for the day. Every response in a conversation needs to "fit" or else I just feel it using up more space until I can't talk any more. There are certain people I avoid having arguments with because they waste MY precious block space with their excessive use of words.
A wonderful video. Even as a child, I’ve never liked small talk because it seemed to serve no purpose. I knew which children were interesting, comics, bullies, nose pickers, pant wetters, and whom had a greater chance of knowing the right answer. Why engage in small-talk when nothing big came out of it? I would tell the teacher that I’m here and endured the whole unison greeting, “good morning, Mrs. Mackenzie.”
I was truly intrigued about greetings when I first read the Hobbit and got to the part where Bilbo tells Gandalf, “good morning.”
The dialog was mind-blowing to me and that opened up a whole fascination with conversation.
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I grew up learning the small-talk dance and still cringe. I did learn who my friends were because there is no small talk. There were announcements, status, and questions. “I’m here. I changed the fluids in my car. I have a headache. Do you want to first talk about holograms, magic systems, or something else? The weather is nice and talking beside you while walking is preferable.”
Shaking hands is anachronistic. I usually just hold a pen and raise my hand. I don’t have a weapon, I don’t want to test our grips, I don’t belong to a secret society-well, that’s not entirely true. Actually, Covid streamlined that by making it acceptable to just show our fist without touching. Knuckle-bumping is doable.
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An ironically lovely movie to watch, Being There, with Peter Sellers is unexpectedly poignant. Yes, autism confers superpowers.
I love Gandalf's retort to Bilbo's good morning and the confusion it affords Bilbo! What an author Tolkien was!
Thank you for bringing up this exchange (I haven't read The Hobbit since the 1970s, or seen the movie). It made me laugh out loud!
I just went on the first business trip of my career. I’m lucky to have a full-time job as an autistic adult. But there were hours-long cocktail buffet socializing among total strangers. I felt like I was abandoned as an infant in a wild prehistoric jungle.😅 at the end of the two days I almost had a meltdown at night and accidentally bruised myself for stimming too much. I felt so angry about the organization. It’s not easy to keep a job as autistic adults and we need to do something about it
I’m expected to travel for a work conference every couple of years. When I tried to talk my way out of it, my boss said it would be valuable to make social connections with other people in the industry. I laughed out loud. Lady, that’s the last thing that’s going to happen with me in a room full of hundreds of people.
@ lolllll you had a point
Small talk feels like a violation. It’s rude of you not to want to engage. But I find it rude to walk up to a stranger and expect them to talk about nothing unprovoked.
I feel like it’s rude when someone you don’t know asks what you do for a living. To me it’s like asking how much money do you have. I feel like saying none of your business. Once upon a time it was rude to ask such a question.
Thank you Chris and Debby...! great video, very specific and helpful 😍😍
Thanks for the nice feedback 😊
Some of my life's most psycho-viscerally shattering moments have been surprise parties thrown for me. The inner volcano of recoil, panic, "untetheredness" (if that makes sense), the utter unscripted abyss on every level in this sudden emotional demand, with all these people waiting for me to validate the surprise as the bestest thing that ever happened to me, it's just...unspeakable. It feels like dying.
A surprise party sounds like the most terrifying experience. 😮 who were the people who clearly didn’t know you well? Or your masking skills are very good maybe. 🎉
@@saragoltz1191 My masking skills are Oscar-worthy! 😄 Which has come at a huge visceral cost over 65 years. And of course, the classic point for autistic people, I never knew, either, so I didn't know I was "masking," just thought I was trying to be normal. You're so right, so-o-o right, saragoltz, about people not knowing me at all. So often, it's all about keeping the matrix, the hivemind, satisfied, not about really seeing a person in his/her uniqueness, isn't it? One friend, my dearest life-friend, who was helpless to forestall the surprise, at least understood me, even without knowing (any more than I could have) why or what it was behing this torturing me so much. He shared my "secret," knew how awful this was for me, did his best to reassure and buck me up with a caring smile and word. It meant a lot, a huge lot, at least relieved some of the existential loneliness.
@@kensears5099 Oh yes, what a horrible thought! Don’t understand why anyone thinks that surprise parties are such a wonderful idea - much better perhaps for the giver than the receiver!😄
I'm thankful of how honest I generally am, cause since I was a little kid I say I hate having birthday parties and I always tell every friend how I hate the idea of surprises. But even then, I'm always scared someone will think this is a good idea and try to throw some at me (til this day people still come visit me in my birthdays even though I say I really don't like it, so idk).
My stress this week is thinking what I should do this Tuesday since I just wanted to be quiet in my home for my birthday, but that might not happen. Oh, well...
Thank you for putting that feeling of recoiling and “untetheredness” into words. When I left a job a few years back for another one (remote, but in a wework sort of one-person office setup), the old boss asked me what sort of going away party I’d like. I said just to spend a calm moment with the half dozen folks in our small department for a tea and coffee break. When I got in on the day, she had turned it into a company-wide party, held directly outside my then-office, with tables set up with food platters, lots of chairs and chatting, lots of bustle and noise and people. To this day I’m not sure whether she thought I hadn’t really meant what I said, whether she just held the kind of party she likes, whether she thought a big splash looked better for her department...
5:00 around here I see a possible topic for a video, how (in my very limited experience) for some of us clothing is at best an afterthought, where the only important thing is comfort, not how it matches, how it looks or how it "fits". I just hate when people go on and on about how you should "dress well" and what not... for me this is just a piece of cloth, that very likely was gifted to me since clothing stores are just hell from my point of view.
Someone, I managed to last a year doing phone sales. Through sheer brute force, I managed to learn some basic small talk techniques. The one I still use is to introduce a question with: "I am curious." It disarms the other person and you can ask personal questions and get to the part of conversation that is interesting.
I really appreciate your videos. I've been watching for for a few months. I love your humor and editing style and content. Thank you
I agree with you except: 5:04 I like the Rolling Stones very much.
2:21 I actually got really into weather because I learned about it to be able to talk about weather in small talk. Now weather talks turn into weather info dumping!
Turns out, people don’t want to talk about weather *like that*. 😬
Unless they're farmers. Weather isn't small talk with them.
I’m not a fan of small talk either. But I’m 73 now, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve more or less learned to play the game by uttering something that sounds like some kind of answer. I try to say something pretty much con-committal and talk around what ever the subject is. While I don’t have an official diagnosis, I can check most of the boxes to one degree or another. At this point I don’t think a formal diagnosis would really even matter.
This video describes my life.
11:00 correct. Smalltalk is such a chore. Funny how allistics use it to make conversations less stressful, while we're stressed out by it and just waiting to be done with the fluff
I'm not sure if I am autistic or not but man so many of your topics hit hard. I hope to get a proper diagnosis one day and thank you for sharing all this. Side note, the color saturation is very high in this video. It looks wonderful honestly but at the same time makes it very difficult to focus on the topic because now it's all I can see and I keep glancing outside and wishing the green trees popped this much in reality.
I actually got a bad review at a job because i hate small talk. It was a client facing role (corporate clients) but not sales. I would start a call and then go silent while waiting for everyone to join. Apparently this was unacceptable.
Thankfully i got fired from that job after burning out...
I love it when people infodump on me with enthusiasm even if I'm not interested in it. Never knew why.
Thanks for the videos. So glad I found your channel. This video really struck a chord. If my hotel room is only a couple of storeys up, I’ll take the stairs. Just to avoid the off chance of being joined in the lift and having to go through the ‘which floor’ chat. Also, if I can, I’ll avoid taxis and walk or take the bus or tube. I understand the rules of courteous interaction on tubes and buses (and i can keep my headphones on). I never know what the level of chat is going to be from well-intentioned taxi drivers, and whatever it is, I’ll be replaying it for the rest of day.
I’m just sad I can only give this video 1 like-I wish I could give it a million! Great video. This is such a good explanation of how I hate small talk. Can we make this a required video for neurotypicals?
I really enjoyed this video thank you. Lots of insights for me as a newly and late diagnosed autistic.
I'm interested in how autistics connect in a different way to neuro typical people. Could you please speak to that? 😊
I have been going through a lot of health challenges recently. I have friends who, when we meet, will ask "how are you?". It's something more than small talk because, if I were to button them down on it, they would say that they sincerely want to know how I'm coping... However, the alexithymia kicks in and i can't figure it out in the moment, plus they aren't such close friends that i want to give them intimate details of my health issues, plus it's just kinda depressing to explain it (especially several times as i might have several people come up to me consecutively). I'm trying to normalize asking "have you had any interesting experiences lately?", but changing society is impossible.
I thought I already understood this about myself, but this was very very validating and took it deeper. Thanks Chris ❤
Great video! So many me too moments 👍🏻 I find small talk extremely draining
I have to have long client meetings to go over large scale project details and they often devulge into an hour or so of getting to know each other. I pretty much disassociate and let my subconscious take over and when it's done I don't remember anything but they are happy. Thanks subconscious!
Thanks for the slower clouds in between. They're great and really comfortable to watch! ❤
@@maggie2811 thanks for the feedback!! It’s taken some trial and error, so we’re glad to hear you like the adjustments we’re making 😊
What I've learned from being in retail is that small talk is maintenance language for some folks to be able to make sure that the people they see regularly are still operating nominally.
What I lately realized is that there is a huge different in US small talk, and what happens here in the Netherlands. I watched a couple of American expats (and TH-camrs) talking about the huge difference, where in the US it is a complex system with it seems a lot of lying, talking around things etc. that makes it insanely hard for autistic people, here our Dutch directness makes it a lot easier (I would even think that our directness feels almost autistic to a US citizen). This might be why I have trouble relating to the small talk is hard part of my autism diagnosis, yes social interaction is still hard when it takes a long time, but at least here directness is more the norm and appreciated so you don't have to act fake the entire time (and yes as an autistic adult I still am to blunt even for a Dutch person sometimes, but there is more place for it).
I'm not autistic, but as ADHD he spoke to the core of my soul. I hate smalltaks that don't move into smth meaningful immediately, but I also hate smalltaks on my coffee breaks, when they get so long I don't know how to escape
I’m a master when it comes to small talk … because I get anxious around other people… don’t want the situation become cringe… but it takes a toll when I arrive at home
This is one of the areas where I had the greatest imposter syndrome in my journey toward self-diagnosis. Because I don't actually mind small talk very much. In fact, I'll often instigate it when I'm dealing with a cashier or bank teller, because standing around silently feels uncomfortable to me. (And makes me worry that I'm coming off as cold or negative.) Because this attitude runs counter to the general trends of autism presentation, I thought that maybe I wasn't really autistic. Reading Devon Price's book "Unmasking Autism" helped me realize that there are other autistic people who are very social, like me, but it took a year of intense exploration for me to find that nugget toward self-acceptance.
I love reading your comments because it’s such a good reminder how diverse autism can look! If you enjoy small talk, you go right ahead and keep on doing it! 🙌
I also don't usually struggle with small talk, but I think that is because I have figured out some strategies that have made it easier. Often, when asked how are you, I will say, ready for the day to end. Or ready for Friday. That usually will lead to them sharing whatever they want to, and I can just nod. That usually fills their need for connection because they get to talk about themselves, which is what they really want, and then I can move on.
Devon Price strikes me as an extreme extrovert. I don't identify with some of what he says, because I'm an introvert. To me, this is a large unexplored and unaddressed difference in the field of autism -- extrovert vs introvert.
I learned a long time ago that when people ask “how are you?”, I must reciprocate with “fine, how are you?”, to which they respond “fine thanks”. They’re not actually asking you how you are, and if you tell them they’ll treat you like you’re a weirdo for answering. It’s expected every time you call someone, and I just refuse to do it.
Small talk is one of the reasons I stopped going to hair salons, apart from the loud music and noise of hair dryers. I learnt to cut and style my own hair and have never looked back.
funny thing is I actually enjoy talking about weather, but very few people want to discuss meteorology and space weather 🙃🤣 totally different than the small talk weather chit chat I know
I occasionally enjoy chatting with a stranger on a plane or something, but I can see now how much masking went into most of those interactions, even when they were about interesting topics that felt beyond small talk. definitely now with everyone
My husband tried to tell an election joke, and the two autists at the table took it literally! He could not get a word in edgewise, because we actually talked about people over 18 who can not vote in the US. The joke he explained later, was about how some of the discussion seems to be that the candidates are speaking at a 12 year old level. I told him later, that you need to preface the joke with ‘I got a joke for you’
This is how us two autists preceded to discuss his ‘misinformation’ fact. In the US, some states do not allow convicted felons to vote, people with severe learning disabilities (cannot think of the correct politically correct term right now), or Native Americans on reservations that have no street names or house numbers. This has been alleviated/fixed in some states and reservations with the person drawing a map to their house, where some states do not accept anything but a physical address. These people usually have a post office box in town. To combat this, reservations have been giving road names and house numbers, but we are storytellers and visual thinkers. Everyone on the Rez knows that is where Jimmy’s Grandma Rose lives, and calls the road she lives on Jimmy’s Grandmas road and house number is literally Rose’s house with no number. Or my aunties place over near her mother Rose’s house. Just take the first left after passing Grandma Rose’s house. Since my Tribe was terminated in 1955, all the streets have names and house numbers. Except maybe the cultural buildings on Government Hill or the longhouse. There was a long discussion about Native Americans not being able to vote and they are the ones who should just have that right because it was their land, spoken by half European and Indian (from India) women who was having a coffee with.
This is right on the spot, as always Chris. Lol
One thing that feels like small talk to me is having to take pictures with a group just because they want to... I don't even like to take pictures of myself alone and ppl don't seem to respect that, but if I refuse, I'm the rude one
Have you tried hiding in the bathroom during photo time? 😂 And yes, it feels similar to me in a lot of ways, but I also try to understand photos can be important, especially for people I don't see often...which is probably most people. But it also drains my social battery 😅
@ChrisandDebby I totally did that last time my co-workers wanted to take a picture! 😂 I too understand sometimes ppl just want to register the moment, like a birthday party. The thing is, I seem to attract all the "let's take a selfie" people..
I struggle with small talk bc I feel a compulsion to be honest when asked a question - such as "Hi, how are you?" I feel incapable of just replying with BS "Good, you?" So instead I'd end up sharing way too much personal information nobody gives a crap about. Eventually I found a way to be honest but not over share: "Oh you know, life is hard sometimes but I'm getting by - you?" Is now my planned honest response
LOL. “Getting by” or “hanging in” is my go to. Anyone who finds it too dour should be thankful it’s not the same alternative you listed!
Mine too, words to that effect! And if anyone replies with the same sort of answer, I know to say I hope things get better. I struggle with remembering to say the “you?” part of “Good, you?” but my “Getting by” or “Hanging on” seems to imply enough of “no, I’m not good” that people don’t seem to mind if I neglect to ask them how they are too.
@@jimwilliams3816 well considering I'm physically disabled (severe chronic pain in ¾ my body & in a wheelchair) & on oxygen, people seem to take my reply just fine - never gotten any sort of negative response from anyone for it, irl anyway
Thank you.
Couldn’t agree more about small talk (and I am not autistic). It is exhausting and just plain ridiculous most of the time!
Thank you
Excellent! Thank you!
Amidst small talk I feel like an astronaut doing a space walk who suddenly realized he's been untethered from the ship. There's no connection, no direction, no tools at hand to fix the situation.
as a much younger person, when I thought of myself as the most important, smart and deeply thinker, I hated smalltalk. Because it seemed so meaningless, draining and pointless. When I grew up a bit, I realised that not every exchange of words needed to be "deep", "meaningful", "philosophical" or just really important. It's just a social lubricant and after developing a special interest in bodylanguage and how to read and understand people, I realised that small talk was a really helpful thing: I trained myself in reading people and to put my hypervigilance to a good use. Learning about behaviours, little tells, just engaging with another human being without the pressure of maintaining a deep connection. getting comfortable with it, even liking it because it gave me tons of really useful insights. That coworker had a rough few days, the boss is in a good mood, learned anchors for the next time (hey, how was that concert you told me about last time) and just get more fluent in social interactions. I'm definitily neurodivergent with adhd, maybe there is autism as well - but I kinda love small talk. But of course, my fondness of small talk can be brushed of with "you cannot be autistic" or "you're just masking" or whatever. There are times when my battery is drained where I will do a lot to avoid running into that neighbor, coworker because i just can't pull out that part of me. I'm also at least as extroverted as I am introverted, so that maybe is also a reason why I don't get the hatred of small talk. Also: living in germany, where the social norms for chit chat are a little different (its not that ubiquitous and you are expected to come to an end more quickly). I guess autistics not only have all the characteristics of dislike of change, love for routine, difficulties in social interactions, special interests and more - but to me it seems by listening to your content, the content of Taylor (Mom on the spectrum) and others - that being and knowing that your being autistic often goes hand in hand with a fixed mindset instead of growth mindset. You are all so caught up in explaining and cementing your difficulties and how bad all the neurotypical ways are for you, that you need to defend yourself, getting defensive and fixed in your view of yourself. You're autistic so small talk is bad, you're autistic, so you just hate any change, you only have your few spoons, neurotypicals make you mask and feel bad afterwards and the whole world is out to get you. Thats the underlying tone of a lot of your content.
maybe adopting a growth mindset would make life in this society a little easier. By that I don't mean brush over your difficulties and just mask. Nah, I mean more like what I described in the process of how I learned to change my pov of small talk, try to use it as a learning opportunity, as a challenge to improve my social skills and knowledge about the world around me. improve my empathy and people reading skills - all the while still allowing myself to avoid it when I just don't have the energy: it is not that superficial masquerade of meaningless noise that I have to participate in to appear normal. It's a skillset that I learned and almost all skils you learn will help your confidence and you will want to use that skill.
so i spent most of this vidio identifing the plants behind you..very nice... im not autistic but can totally realate why carnt peeps just say hi and be done with it ,, how are yous make me want to give an honest assesment of my feelings health and how i realate in that moment knowing they dont want to know really that im hot hungry hate supermarkets and they smell bad...oh hum
OMG i luv you guys!!! i luv the bod language between the 2 of you acting the words out!! yer both so amazing
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I've got a script: " fine thanks how about you? Can you believe this weather we've been having? Well it was great running into you!" It fits no matter what kind of weather you've been having
Curious to watch this one. I think a lot of it has to do on how im doing. There are times, though, where I find it incredibly frustrating ngl. Mainly evolving around the whole "how are you?" bit, as when its not so good... I find it to be a bit triggering... I want to talk about it (even in passing, in a small dose), not gloss over it and pretend like everything is ok. It feels so... wrong. I get that we all are dealing with our own stuff, but please bare in mind not all of us are blessed to have a solid support network... and just to be seen and validated... yeah, its not your responsibility but the next time youre thinking someone is weirdly overstepping boundaries in this case... please try to opt to be more compassionate. Anyways, thank you internet for listening to my impromptu ted talk.
Will be interested to hear what you think after watching! But I also find many parts of it challenging and frustrating, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I also agree with your comment on hoping more people will be compassionate - the world definitely could use a litle more understanding and compassion! Hope to see you at the premiere soon 🙂
@ChrisAndDebby
I despise small talk! Especially this year, with Kate Middleton being ill. I worry about her; she's my autistic special interest (along with Renaissance and Baroque music and pipe organs).
@@ChrisandDebby totally understand and can relate to the points made in the video. I think the only reason I've gotten more comfortable with the small talk is because I've done customer support roles for so long, so I've had a lot of practice. (You have it drilled in your head that any length of silence is bad, use your hold...!) If you are wanting to get better at it, strangers honestly are perfect to practice with. (If you mess up it's not like you'll have to deal with them again...) Ive sat and shot the breeze with random people in waiting rooms and waiting in line. That being said there are definitely times where I wish I had a sign that said please don't poke me, as I'm feeling rather fragile.
Also, I often had to call in sick when I knew I couldn't wear the mask. It's definitely really difficult when either physically or mentally not feeling well.
Now navigating and maintaining relationships long term is something I really struggle with. The small talk I know on a good day, with an appropriate amount of spoons, I can ace.
It only took about 20 seconds of your video before my stomach started feeling a clench from the automatic stress of knowing I need to small talk & appear “normal”.
I have no problem with small talk when it’s really small, like, tiny. And I enjoy talking about big stuff. It’s “medium” talk that crushes me. It’s the “how long is this supposed to go on” problem.
Eeek...yesterday I reluctantly substituted for an absent bowler on my husband's bowling team. I was super nervous and was being counted on by strangers. (I do not go to the ally while my husband bowls. It's loud and people want to talk about nothing.) So I convinced myself into believing i could have fun and just bowl. After all, it is a performance with my back turned that is done individually. Turns out there are dozens of unwritten rules. The very worst thing is that you are supposed to high five people after each one of them bowls. My spacial awareness causes me to miss and end up slapping wrists, and I am so overstimulated that I space off and do not notice when people are bowling or done with their turn....I layed down to rest after bowling, was exhausted, and could not sleep. I tossed around for 2 hours in bed. I woke up this morning and every high five, awkward conversation, and horrible throw of a bowling ball keeps replaying in my head. I have no idea what my face was doing yesterday because there was too much happening. I kept going outside to smoke. It is a good escape plan, but Do you have any idea how many people want to chat during a 7 minute cigarette? Omg, at least there were no high fives or loud noises outside. AWKWARD. SO AWKWARD.
Asking someone to maybe get coffee and chat means I am intensely motivated to form a connection
With me it goes like this: A neurotypical throws a smalltalk topic at me and I embark on it...or a tangent... so enthusiastically, I don't notice the other person just leaves.
Neurotypicals and their smalltalk are so boring I prefer to entertain myself. 😅
The relationship between the “ habit” of small talk and the autistic need for routine cannot be overstated…… because it actually cuts both ways, in my experience. While it’s true that planned leave us feeling disrupted, it’s also true that not getting regular conversations when we expect them can do the same thing, and talking with the few friends that we have is vital important. my list of friends isn’t particularly long, but deliberately seeking them out to say hello on a regular basis is explicit PART of my routine, for my perspective, and I feel disappointed or miffed when I don’t get the chance to talk to them, even even if it’s not about something very important.
All of these. I used to struggle with small talk until I realized I could get by with mostly listening, some polite nodding of my head, and then saying the same things in each situation. I’ve got a great script going for office environments. What I can’t figure out is how to take it from small talk to real talk and make a friend. I’m okay now with not having friends but it’s a puzzle to me when I observe other people. How did they know what to say? Funny thing is I thought I had this small talk skull in the bag. But after watching this video I realized maybe not so much. I avoid small talk at restaurants and grocery stores and anywhere else like the plague. If forced to participate in it, then I’m thinking of how to escape. And ending conversations is so hard!! Especially on the phone. I don’t know why it took me so long to recognize I was autistic. It seems so obvious to me now 😂.
I do find it a waste of time, and I find myself only engaging in conversation with a person I can gain knowledge and insight from. I call this habit "gleaning." After doing this for a while I then began to feel that I was being very selfish so I have forced myself to engage in small talk just for the sake of giving everyone a fair shake as it were. Now being middle-aged I've actually gotten fairly good at it
Sounds like you’ve figured out a good system for it - do you find that it changes based on the day? I can do it but especially after getting diagnosed and since being in burnout, I don’t put as much effort into it, especially when I’m really tired and overwhelmed
@@ChrisandDebbyOh yes absolutely, being retired I can pick my poison, as it were, and have the luxury of refraining from contact when not in the mood.
Wow. So the thumbnail alone summed up my entire experience. It brought me back to a day I was trying to write an important email at work, I was getting overstimulated because two coworkers were talking so loud and nonstop right by the computer and I just cracked and said “oh my god can you guys please stop talking?!” I said something like “how can you guys have SO MUCH to talk about?” And I felt bad and all but how unaware do people have to be to not consider anyone around them and the volume and amount of talking they are doing. Just massively inconsiderate in my opinion.
I could have written this script for you. I'd rather be in the middle seat on an airplane flanked by two big people than have a talker next to me.
Honestly, I think I lucked out with small talk; one of my special interests is *people*, what they like and how they socialize, so though small talk is kinda boring, I can usually redirect things to subjects that are more interesting. how the person is really doing + their interests as examples, and then i can come back next time and ask them 'oh, anything interesting with that thing you mentioned?" And they are usually amazed/happy i remembered.
That being said, i still do get exhausted after work a lot. My masking is usually holding myself back from over engaging/making sure I'm giving proper time for them to talk, and that takes a lot out of me...
At least when at work, I could quickly jump into a work comment, but with social stuff, I'm usually lost.
I love talking. Really, deep conversations are really nice to have! And I have always been great at talking and specially listening to others, which made me good at small talking. But do I like small talks? Not at all lol.
But I do feel like, when I have the energy and interest, I tend to transform small talks to deeper conversations, which make me more interested. Being a psychologist might make that habit easier, I think haha
Small talk is a form of pleasantry for people who engage in it, which are most likely neurotically. I derive no pleasure from small talk if the subject is not deep, meaningful and heavily reinforced with logic and real based facts, not opinion or perception, but being perceptive of the material that you’re talking about, breaking it down from first principal thinking and analyzing every little piece of it. If someone’s not willing to dive into a deep philosophical or psychological or science driven conversation, it is boring talking about rappers and pop stars don’t interest me talking about food unless I’m going to eat it is not as interesting either although I do like the culinary arts, but that doesn’t necessarily mean, I like talking about it in vertebrates any type of family tree of any kind is interesting RPG Tabletop, RPG dungeons and dragons, and anything that has to do with the workings of the human mind, behavioral therapies different types of communication, understanding the ends and out of it all.
I think this is a key difference - the deep dive into a topic rather than the chit chat where everything just grazes the surface. Those talks also drive my brain crazy and it’s hard to stay focused for longer than 10 seconds 😅
@@ChrisandDebby whenever I dive into a topic, I tend to overwhelm people, especially if it’s something I’m specially interested in even my partner is looking at me like slow down take a breath or they’re looking at me like you’ve already been talking about this for over two hours, no more lol 😂 I’ve gained some control over being able to not info dump, but it was definitely a difficult thing to learn
Person who I have known vaguely for years but whose name I don't know: Hi [my name]
Me: Oh hi, how are you?
Them: Doing well, thanks, how about you?
Me: Yeah, good thanks, how are you?
😩
I struggle with small talk as well. 1. social interactions usually make me anxious. 2. they’re talking about nothing. literally, nothing. you could scramble the word order into nonsense and it wouldn’t change the actual conversation.
I tend to pause looking for the right words, the other person often thinks I've finished speaking and cuts me off , meaning I rarely get to express a complete thought. Very frustrating at times. 🙈🙉🙊
Hey, I am a late diagnosed high-Masking autist my self. I am from Germany with only very little experience in english. Your videos are helping me a lot. It's awesome to be able to voice thinks so clearly now thanks to your help. All those thinks i knew but wasn't able to voice can now be clearly communicated. Its helping my Marriage as well, because i can send your videos to my wife and say: "what he said"
But I'm wondering. Could Debby make similar videos explaining how those thinks are for non autistic people. Like Smalltalk. What are they expecting from us? why is smalltalk good for them? What can I do to know when i should I talk or share a story? How do I know when silence is akward and when they are just processing? What does smalltalk feel like for them? Does smalltalk recharge the energy for them? Questions like those. I realy want to understand them a little better. Not only be understood.
Your English is very good.
Your questions are also good. From what I've read, neurotypical people are not asking to find out how we are. The asking is a social ritual, to be answered with "Fine," even if that's a lie. They expect to be asked back, to which they are also supposed to respond with "Fine" (I usually forget that part). Then everyone can go on their way, with their obligations to the ritual met. Beyond that, I don't remember what I read (when something does not make sense to me, I don't usually remember it).
If you keep reading the comments here, you will gain some information about your questions.
I hate small talk, but I do it well (at least from my perspective, I might be terrible and I just don’t know 😂) I used to avoid it like the plague, but I try to engage when I can. I see it as a neurotypical accommodation. I have also done well with it because I work a job where I have to rush around taking care of things so I always have an excuse to leave if the small talk goes on for more than a couple back and forths